#572 - My Multiple Men, Common Sense Express and In Association with Prunes

John’s hammering away at the word count of his opinionated column again. This time in his crosshairs it’s e-scooters. Politically he’s a hard person to work out. Which from a balance perspective is actually very helpful. There's also reports from Pembrokeshire, and we hear from a character who has piqued the boys' interest lately. Plus, when there’s news of (yet more) boundary breaking content to be fed into the digestive tract of the British audio industry, sometimes you just need it to sit in the stomach for a few days to build suspense. Because Elis James, will, for the first time will [REDACTED FOR SPOILERS]. You don’t want to miss it. Want to get in touch? Once described as post on laxatives. It’s email. And our address is [email protected] mailto:[email protected] And here's links to the latest exclusive Patreon bits, so go get on those! New Adventures episode! https://www.patreon.com/elisandjohn/posts/adventure-6-mega-168171679/ featuring raw sex appeal. Pottery competition! https://www.patreon.com/elisandjohn/posts/win-exclusive-of-168173316/ For lots of exclusive EJJR #content, join our Patreon at patreon.com/elisandjohn. For weekly visual highlights, head to youtube.com/@elisandjohn. For everything else, head to elisandjohn.com. The Elis James and John Robins Show is a Significant Production. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Before we start this episode, we want to invite you along to the adventures of Ellis and John.

• 0:04Speaker 01

  If you head over to patreon.com/ellisandjohn, you can join us on our monthly escapades, including

• 0:10Speaker 00

  mini golf picks.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  It's the strangest legal jump in the history of long jump.

• 0:14Speaker 00

  Bird watching. My two favourite things are birds and football.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  And you can watch our latest episode now, where we tackle an escape room.

• 0:22Speaker 02

  So John is absolutely flying here. Well, Ellis is there as well.

• 0:26Speaker 00

  Ellis is there as well, Dave.

• 0:27Speaker 02

  We did the first three, Dave, for complete chill.

• 0:32Speaker 00

  So for adventures and so much more, head over to patreon.com/ellisandjohn now.

• 0:40Speaker 03

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• 1:12Speaker 04

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• 2:05Speaker 01

  Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Elis James and John Robbins podcast. And I have news which is going to rock Ellis's world.

• 2:13Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 2:14Speaker 01

  Ellis, Wales is part of the conversation.

• 2:18Speaker 00

  Is it now?

• 2:19Speaker 01

  Wales is at the table.

• 2:21Speaker 00

  Have you been talking to Michael Sheen?

• 2:23Speaker 01

  Wales has relevance.

• 2:25Speaker 00

  Right. Well, yes. I mean, I've always known this.

• 2:28Speaker 01

  But I'm going to go as far as to say

• 2:29Speaker 00

  I've been banging the drum.

• 2:30Speaker 01

  Wales no longer is part of the conversation. Wales is the conversation.

• 2:34Speaker 00

  Are you talking about the Commonwealth Games? Because that ended a couple of weeks ago.

• 2:36Speaker 01

  No, no one's talking about the Commonwealth Games.

• 2:38Speaker 00

  Well, I was talking about it. Emma Finnick won four goals.

• 2:40Speaker 01

  Were you?

• 2:40Speaker 00

  Yeah. Emma Finnick won four goals and she's from Carmarthen.

• 2:44Speaker 01

  But they're struggling to find hosts for it because no one watches it anymore.

• 2:47Speaker 00

  I'm going to spit on you.

• 2:50Speaker 02

  Well, it got paywalls, didn't it, this year, I think?

• 2:52Speaker 01

  Did it?

• 2:52Speaker 02

  Yeah. That's why no one watched it.

• 2:54Speaker 00

  Which is incredibly frustrating because especially the Welsh, well, Wales did very well, but especially the Welsh Australian team. Never mind. I want to know why Wales Matters in John's world, because it's either going to be, is there a famous Welsh therapist?

• 3:09Speaker 00

  Because golf, I suppose, would be in Woes them.

• 3:11Speaker 01

  No, Wales, I think, championed the pull-your-socks-up psychological approach of the mid 1940s.

• 3:18Speaker 00

  Yes, of course, yeah.

• 3:20Speaker 01

  No, I Walesed.

• 3:22Speaker 00

  Of course you did.

• 3:24Speaker 01

  I walked the land of your fathers and forefathers.

• 3:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:29Speaker 01

  And five fathers. I communed with Welsh beauty.

• 3:35Speaker 00

  Oh, lovely. You've got a girlfriend.

• 3:38Speaker 01

  I swam in the Welsh sea.

• 3:40Speaker 00

  Oh, I love that.

• 3:41Speaker 01

  And I have

• 3:41Speaker 00

  My favourite thing to do.

• 3:42Speaker 01

  I have things for you to do that thing to, where you go, "Ray!"

• 3:47Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 3:48Speaker 01

  "Hi!"

• 3:48Speaker 00

  Although when they're announcing the lineups at football matches.

• 3:51Speaker 01

  Well, I just want your take on my Welsh takes.

• 3:54Speaker 00

  Yes, please.

• 3:55Speaker 01

  Because I have become one with the Welsh landscape.

• 3:59Speaker 00

  You were also in my neck of the woods, weren't you? You were in a sort of a penmanship.

• 4:02Speaker 01

  I was in your neck. I was crawling up your throat and out of your mouth and saying, "Wales is really good."

• 4:08Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 4:09Speaker 01

  Like in Alien, where the little mouth comes out of the big mouth. And Sigourney Weaver was Instagram, because that's who I was saying it to.

• 4:17Speaker 00

  Right, right.

• 4:18Speaker 01

  To an extent. I stayed in Tenby.

• 4:21Speaker 00

  Lovely.

• 4:23Speaker 02

  Where's the, that's the way, Alice, please.

• 4:25Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 4:25Speaker 01

  "Hi!" There were a high proportion of very tanned children.

• 4:34Speaker 01

  Which I'm not sure is a good sign.

• 4:38Speaker 00

  If you're not Welsh, or you're certainly not South Walian if you haven't been burnt in Tenby.

• 4:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 4:43Speaker 00

  My friend Sean got a son burnt to her feet in Tenby.

• 4:46Speaker 01

  I mean, we

• 4:47Speaker 00

  Because you forget about the feet.

• 4:48Speaker 02

  We slapped on the factor 50 on Lila in Portugal for 10 days like there was no tomorrow, and she came back the most tanned person I've ever seen in my life.

• 4:57Speaker 01

  So it's not a sign of bad parenting?

• 4:59Speaker 00

  Well, sunburn is.

• 5:00Speaker 01

  Right.

• 5:01Speaker 02

  Sunburn is.

• 5:02Speaker 00

  Sun tan, I would say, isn't.

• 5:04Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 5:04Speaker 00

  Because it just means they're outside. And if they're sun tanned rather than

• 5:06Speaker 01

  It was a very tanned toddler.

• 5:07Speaker 00

  If they're sun tanned rather than sunburnt.

• 5:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:11Speaker 00

  That means they've had cream on, they've just been outside. And yeah, I mean, listen, I'm not a doctor.

• 5:17Speaker 01

  No.

• 5:18Speaker 00

  A sun tanned toddler, I would say, is probably not ideal. You've got to keep him in the shade.

• 5:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:24Speaker 00

  But it was very hot.

• 5:25Speaker 01

  It was, it was.

• 5:26Speaker 00

  And I needed to see the toddler and meet the parents.

• 5:29Speaker 01

  So the holidaymakers at Tenby are off the hook.

• 5:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:31Speaker 01

  Because I don't, I don't know.

• 5:33Speaker 00

  Did you go to the bookshop, the chaotic bookshop?

• 5:36Speaker 01

  No, but

• 5:37Speaker 00

  That is fantastic.

• 5:38Speaker 01

  Our flat was above the best deli in Tenby that sold the best crisps in the world, aka Brett's.

• 5:46Speaker 00

  Oh, lovely. Okay. So you found somewhere then, because you were struggling to find some of them.

• 5:51Speaker 01

  Once you Brett, you never go back. But they're very hard to find.

• 5:55Speaker 00

  That was a disappointing sentence.

• 5:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, I thought he's got a great rhyme here. I cannot wait. I can't work out what it is.

• 6:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, because that was in John's wheelhouse.

• 6:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:05Speaker 01

  Okay, then. Once you Brett, you don't sweat.

• 6:08Speaker 00

  Lovely.

• 6:09Speaker 02

  That's all right.

• 6:13Speaker 00

  I'm not doing it. It's not my wheelhouse.

• 6:15Speaker 01

  Once you Brett's, you're no regrets.

• 6:18Speaker 02

  Oh, I was thinking.

• 6:19Speaker 00

  That's, that's great.

• 6:20Speaker 02

  When you Brett's, you know what you gets, guys.

• 6:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, nice crisps.

• 6:27Speaker 01

  Get in touch with them, Dave.

• 6:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:30Speaker 01

  They are sort of mainly a French, but they have mad flavours like gruyere and jalapeno.

• 6:36Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 6:36Speaker 01

  They all tasted a thing. The butter ones are the best.

• 6:39Speaker 00

  Butter crisps.

• 6:40Speaker 01

  They taste of butter.

• 6:42Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 6:43Speaker 01

  Listen to Radio Cymru the whole time.

• 6:45Speaker 00

  Did you?

• 6:46Speaker 01

  To get into the atmosphere.

• 6:47Speaker 00

  Oh, that's going to make me cry, I think.

• 6:49Speaker 01

  And do you know what's interesting?

• 6:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:51Speaker 01

  It's because I only know Welsh language music through you.

• 6:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:54Speaker 01

  I assumed it was all good, because the stuff you listen to is like indie folk, psych folk. There's a lot of absolute gym music.

• 7:04Speaker 00

  Well, this is, this is the Radio Cymru problem, you see. When you have one radio station for an entire country and an entire language, you have to be all things to all people.

• 7:17Speaker 01

  Well, they weren't playing anything particularly outre. It was all quite run-of-the-mill, like, I can only say gym music, because I'm able to do it.

• 7:26Speaker 00

  But you see, most, the thing with English language radio is, most English language radio is playing terrible mainstream music, but you've got so many options and choices.

• 7:36Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 7:36Speaker 00

  So with Radio Cymru, you've got to appeal to everyone. So a lot of it, in the same way with any language, is going to be mainstream culture. It's largely playing that. Although there are some very good programmes on Radio Cymru.

• 7:48Speaker 01

  But I liked it because I didn't, I thought all Welsh language music was quite obscure, sort of playing small venues type vibes.

• 7:55Speaker 02

  It's quite poppy.

• 7:56Speaker 01

  Yeah. Who are the big pop? Who's the Taylor Swift of Wales?

• 8:01Speaker 00

  Taylor Swift? Well, there was a, there was a girl band called Aiden who reformed, and they, they were a sort of a pop group. They formed around the 90s, so it's probably around the time of the Spice Girls. And then you've got the older, the older people like Bryn Vaughan, who was an actor in a very famous sitcom. He's, he's, I would say, a mainstream musician.

• 8:21Speaker 01

  So Ellis, I'm going to tell you all the places we went, and I would like an anecdote, a sentence anecdote from you on all of them.

• 8:30Speaker 00

  All right then.

• 8:33Speaker 01

  Wait one second.

• 8:34Speaker 00

  Have you seen a picture of Covey on Bookshop?

• 8:37Speaker 01

  No.

• 8:38Speaker 00

  Which is the chaotic one. Let me show you this.

• 8:43Speaker 00

  Look at that.

• 8:44Speaker 01

  Oh my lord.

• 8:44Speaker 00

  You've got to, you've, you've got to, um, you've got to sign a waiver before you're allowed in.

• 8:50Speaker 01

  Oh, no thank.

• 8:51Speaker 02

  It's just a lot of books overflowing on a lot of shelves.

• 8:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, and.

• 8:55Speaker 02

  It looks like a disorganised office.

• 8:56Speaker 00

  Well, look at that picture. I mean, I don't know how anyone finds anything.

• 9:00Speaker 02

  No.

• 9:00Speaker 00

  But it's a very famous book. It's very small, but, um, yeah, it's all stacked up.

• 9:04Speaker 01

  So, Bosherton Lily Ponds.

• 9:07Speaker 00

  Oh, my dad's favourite. I would always Kai Bosherton it because I didn't want to go there, but dad loved it.

• 9:14Speaker 01

  It's mad. A lot of algae though, in this heat.

• 9:16Speaker 00

  A lot of algae and I like it now as an adult, but as a kid I found it boring, but it was always dad's number one choice.

• 9:21Speaker 01

  I went to a rival walled garden.

• 9:24Speaker 00

  Did you?

• 9:25Speaker 01

  You are an ambassador for a walled garden and I went to their arch nemesis.

• 9:30Speaker 00

  Did you? So you went to the arch nemesis of Bishop's Palace in Paracresco.

• 9:34Speaker 01

  No, I went to Stackpole.

• 9:36Speaker 00

  Oh, I love Stackpole.

• 9:38Speaker 01

  It was really nice.

• 9:39Speaker 00

  Did you see rabbits in Stackpole?

• 9:40Speaker 01

  No, but they do have melon forcing pits.

• 9:43Speaker 00

  What's that mean?

• 9:44Speaker 01

  Which sounds like a sort of delicious torture.

• 9:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:47Speaker 01

  The Victorian pits which were used to grow pineapples and melons in the past.

• 9:52Speaker 00

  It all sounds like torture still.

• 9:54Speaker 01

  Um, you, I don't know. It's like you force rhubarb somehow. I don't know.

• 9:59Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 9:59Speaker 01

  Um, but they had an amazing array of vegetables and butterflies.

• 10:05Speaker 00

  A lot of school trips to Stackpole when I was young.

• 10:07Speaker 01

  Really?

• 10:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, I've not been there probably since the eighties, but I went there a lot then.

• 10:11Speaker 01

  We listened to Barafundle on the way to Barafundle.

• 10:14Speaker 00

  Yes. Here, here, here, kluch, kluch, kluch, aye, ya, funny.

• 10:18Speaker 01

  However.

• 10:19Speaker 00

  Which means I second that.

• 10:21Speaker 01

  The Barafundle car park was full.

• 10:23Speaker 00

  Ah, what happens then?

• 10:24Speaker 01

  We went to Broadhaven South and I swam in the sea.

• 10:27Speaker 00

  I love swimming in the sea and I love Broadhaven South and we never really went there when I was a kid. We used to go to Broadhaven because Broadhaven South is a nightmare if you've got a buggy. So let's blame my little sister. She should have looked a walk quicker.

• 10:39Speaker 01

  We went to Marlow Sands.

• 10:41Speaker 00

  Oh, nice. Okay.

• 10:42Speaker 01

  That was a highlight. I swam in the sea.

• 10:45Speaker 00

  I love swimming in the sea.

• 10:46Speaker 01

  Also.

• 10:47Speaker 00

  I hate swimming in pools. I love swimming in the sea.

• 10:49Speaker 01

  Marlow Sands is like this massive bay and we looked down from the car park and it was quite busy. There's a little secret mini bay to the right hand side.

• 11:01Speaker 00

  Oh, is there?

• 11:01Speaker 01

  Where you have to climb down some rocks. It was like a VIP area for the adventurous.

• 11:05Speaker 00

  Oh, nice.

• 11:06Speaker 01

  Um, and I think.

• 11:07Speaker 00

  So obviously you didn't go there.

• 11:09Speaker 01

  I think an elderly lady may have seen my bum as I got in my swimming shorts.

• 11:12Speaker 00

  Oh, that's all right.

• 11:13Speaker 01

  That's okay.

• 11:13Speaker 00

  That, for her, that's an anecdote.

• 11:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:15Speaker 00

  I saw John Robbins' bum today. The podcaster, yes.

• 11:18Speaker 01

  Um, there's a superb cafe there.

• 11:20Speaker 00

  Is there?

• 11:21Speaker 01

  Uh, went to Pembroke.

• 11:23Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 11:24Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 11:25Speaker 00

  Pembroke Castle?

• 11:26Speaker 01

  I, I've got beef with Pembroke Castle now.

• 11:31Speaker 00

  Why?

• 11:32Speaker 01

  Quite pricey to enter.

• 11:33Speaker 00

  Oh, was it?

• 11:35Speaker 01

  To the extent where we didn't enter.

• 11:38Speaker 00

  Really?

• 11:39Speaker 01

  And.

• 11:39Speaker 00

  And you're a podcast millionaire.

• 11:41Speaker 01

  And also, it was a bit mad, but also the, the, like the price list. So adults, I think it was 18 quid, which is quite a lot for two adults, 36 quid.

• 11:52Speaker 02

  Depends what you get in the castle.

• 11:53Speaker 01

  Children, nine quid. You might have to edit this out. Registered disabled children, eight quid. I kind of thought, you might, you might want to let them in free.

• 12:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:08Speaker 01

  I wasn't expecting just a one pound discount for someone who's registered disabled.

• 12:12Speaker 00

  The problem is, you see, Henry the Seventh was born in Pembroke Castle.

• 12:16Speaker 01

  Why is that a problem? Surely that's a selling point.

• 12:19Speaker 00

  Because that was his idea. He would like charge the disabled kids for God's sake, long after I've gone.

• 12:25Speaker 01

  I'm sure they have discounts for like families, but I thought that's 36 quid for two adults. Two adults or two carers with two disabled kids. You're looking at like fifty four pounds.

• 12:35Speaker 00

  That's a lot of money, isn't it? That's a lot of money. I haven't been, I used to have a book.

• 12:39Speaker 01

  It didn't look like the town could sustain any less visitors.

• 12:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:43Speaker 01

  Let's put it that way.

• 12:44Speaker 00

  Okay. Cause I had a book, I had a book on Pembroke Castle when I was little, but so I'm, I've been there, but I can't remember what the prices were in the eighties.

• 12:52Speaker 01

  However, Carew Castle.

• 12:53Speaker 00

  Lovely. Here, here, here.

• 12:56Speaker 01

  Half the price. Went round Carew Castle.

• 12:59Speaker 00

  Carew, yeah.

• 13:00Speaker 01

  Carew and, uh, learnt about all of the various things that happened there in the past.

• 13:06Speaker 00

  It's, it's nice. And there's like shops where you can buy pots and things.

• 13:09Speaker 01

  Very family friendly. Lots of kids running around doing archery. Loved it.

• 13:14Speaker 00

  Loads of kids getting injured.

• 13:17Speaker 01

  Saunders Foot Bay.

• 13:18Speaker 00

  Oh, yes.

• 13:20Speaker 01

  Amroth Bay.

• 13:21Speaker 00

  Now, Amroth, that's another one of dad's favourites. I love Amroth.

• 13:25Speaker 01

  Now, in Amroth, we.

• 13:29Speaker 00

  I can't believe you've been to Amroth. That's fantastic.

• 13:31Speaker 01

  We sat with our ice creams.

• 13:33Speaker 02

  You can always spot when a criticism's coming from John, can't you?

• 13:35Speaker 01

  Well, this isn't a criticism of Amroth.

• 13:37Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 13:38Speaker 01

  Um, two sort of energetic kids.

• 13:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:43Speaker 01

  Cause it's a pebbly beach.

• 13:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:45Speaker 01

  Right? It's like.

• 13:46Speaker 00

  Oh, I'm not a fan of a pebbly beach, John.

• 13:48Speaker 01

  So anyway, they start chucking sort of fist sized pebbles just onto the other pebbles.

• 13:53Speaker 00

  It's Welsh humour.

• 13:55Speaker 01

  Yeah. And it's quite annoying when you're sitting, listening to the sea.

• 13:59Speaker 02

  Oh, that's lovely though. Pebble on pebble.

• 14:01Speaker 01

  It's rock on rock. It's someone throwing rocks at other rocks.

• 14:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's fine.

• 14:06Speaker 01

  So anyway, their parents come over and I'm thinking, I can go for that. I'm going to put an end to this bloody rock on rock action.

• 14:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:12Speaker 01

  No, both parents picked up a rock. The four of them chucking rocks at rocks.

• 14:17Speaker 02

  Yeah. I love it. I'd have done that.

• 14:19Speaker 01

  Would you?

• 14:20Speaker 02

  Give us a rock, Lila.

• 14:21Speaker 00

  I'd have done that. I love throwing.

• 14:23Speaker 02

  What are we doing here? We're throwing rocks on rocks. Great.

• 14:25Speaker 01

  Just throwing rocks and rocks. There's a big scene of rock throwing in Amroth.

• 14:29Speaker 00

  Sometimes the pebbles shatter and it makes a fantastic noise.

• 14:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:33Speaker 01

  Yeah. It's sort of almost like sort of being constantly shocked.

• 14:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I don't care about you.

• 14:39Speaker 01

  Okay. Um, walked from Aberadee to Porthgane.

• 14:44Speaker 00

  Oh, okay. Porthgane, yeah.

• 14:45Speaker 01

  Porthgane was my highlight of the whole trip.

• 14:49Speaker 00

  Was it? I've not been there for a long time.

• 14:51Speaker 01

  A superb restaurant.

• 14:53Speaker 00

  Oh, really?

• 14:53Speaker 01

  Called, I believe, The Shed. But it's just a little, tiny little harbour for fishing boats. I think there's the remnants of.

• 15:02Speaker 00

  Oh, it's by St David's, isn't it, Porthgane?

• 15:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, there's the remnants of a sort of 19th century, um, building that it's sort of cut into. And there's a little shop for ice cream. There's a little pub. There's a little, The Shed restaurant.

• 15:17Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 15:17Speaker 01

  Where I had fish and chips and that's it.

• 15:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:20Speaker 01

  And the man serving us fish and chips was so much fun. Um, then went to St David's.

• 15:24Speaker 00

  Oh, love it.

• 15:26Speaker 01

  Uh, walked around the cathedral with its sloping walls.

• 15:29Speaker 00

  I love St David's Cathedral. Many school trips there. And then if you, the teachers would always make us count the steps because there's one little half step right at the top. So the, the teacher would always say, how many was that? We'd all say 99. You go, no, it was 100. And then he'd point at the half step. We'd all go, no, sir. Good times.

• 15:46Speaker 01

  You would go on a school trip to the same place twice.

• 15:48Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 15:49Speaker 01

  I don't, I don't think I ever did that.

• 15:50Speaker 02

  No.

• 15:51Speaker 00

  Well, it's just, you know, not a huge amount to do.

• 15:55Speaker 01

  There is lots to do. That's what I'm here to say.

• 15:58Speaker 00

  I love St David's.

• 16:00Speaker 01

  The Pembrokeshire coast is spectacular.

• 16:03Speaker 00

  Oh, it's fantastic.

• 16:04Speaker 01

  Water as blue as this teal tension studio.

• 16:07Speaker 00

  Did you go to Cummeraglas, out of curiosity?

• 16:09Speaker 01

  Didn't get to Cummeraglas.

• 16:11Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 16:11Speaker 01

  And that was the one thing off your list that we missed.

• 16:14Speaker 00

  It's a natural cove and the water's very, very clear. So if you like snorkelling and stuff, it's great to run there.

• 16:21Speaker 01

  And I ate the following ice creams. Rhubarb and custard times two, Kinder Bueno, Bonafide Pie, and a fifth of a tub of Oreo ice cream left in the freezer of the Airbnb by previous tenants.

• 16:31Speaker 02

  What? Did you? I don't know if I, would I have done that?

• 16:34Speaker 00

  No, I wouldn't. What if they'd laced it with, you know?

• 16:37Speaker 02

  What if it was an experiment?

• 16:38Speaker 00

  Ant eating poison or something.

• 16:40Speaker 01

  My, um, B E A U X, which I am aware means multiple men. But my B E A U X drew a line in the sand about eating Oreo ice cream that had been left by previous tenants.

• 16:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:56Speaker 01

  And I didn't.

• 16:57Speaker 00

  Cause you've got to ask yourself.

• 16:58Speaker 01

  I gobbled up the line in the sand.

• 17:00Speaker 00

  When did it, when, how long's it been there?

• 17:02Speaker 02

  You're assuming it was the previous tenant.

• 17:04Speaker 01

  No, I said previous tenants.

• 17:06Speaker 02

  So it could have been there from 1998.

• 17:08Speaker 01

  Could have been there for a year.

• 17:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:09Speaker 01

  But what, but you would eat year old ice cream in a freezer?

• 17:13Speaker 00

  I've never had ice cream in a freezer for a year.

• 17:15Speaker 01

  No, yeah, I know what you mean.

• 17:17Speaker 00

  So I sort of don't know.

• 17:18Speaker 01

  Um, am I? No, that is my laptop.

• 17:21Speaker 02

  Oh, it was John Ellis. That's cool.

• 17:24Speaker 00

  And you know what? He knew it was him because.

• 17:25Speaker 01

  He knew straight away.

• 17:26Speaker 00

  You know, like when frogs blink?

• 17:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:29Speaker 00

  And the, the eyelid, it comes down really slowly. He did a frog blink because he was so angry. Cause he looked like a sort of jungle frog.

• 17:40Speaker 02

  Shoe on the other foot there, John. I'd be getting torn a new one right now if that was my laptop.

• 17:44Speaker 01

  And you may be, so watch yourself. Make sure you're right.

• 17:48Speaker 02

  I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

• 17:49Speaker 01

  Cause that, that was a warning.

• 17:51Speaker 00

  Was it?

• 17:52Speaker 01

  Like when I did my cycling proficiency test and the instructor purposefully fell off his bike on the way to us to prove a point. Absolutely mad thing to do.

• 18:02Speaker 00

  What?

• 18:03Speaker 01

  Yeah. He crashed his bike to, to, to like make us realise he needed to wear a helmet.

• 18:09Speaker 00

  On concrete?

• 18:10Speaker 01

  Uh, yeah, on a path.

• 18:11Speaker 00

  And that's.

• 18:12Speaker 02

  Well, what sort of, I've, I've got many questions. What sort of dismount was it? Do you reckon it was something he did a lot?

• 18:19Speaker 01

  No, there was a path between two bits of grass and there's, he basically ran the wheel into the gap between the end of the path and the grass and then kind of wobbled and then fell off to one side onto the grass.

• 18:31Speaker 02

  Are you sure he wasn't covering himself? Had he, had he just fallen off?

• 18:34Speaker 01

  No, he, no, he did do it on purpose.

• 18:36Speaker 00

  That's fantastic.

• 18:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:38Speaker 02

  Yeah. Is cycling proficiency still like a thing that it was?

• 18:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:41Speaker 01

  Oh, to observe the cyclists on our road, you'd think not.

• 18:46Speaker 02

  Oh, maybe, cool. Cause I'm sure I did it in primary school.

• 18:49Speaker 00

  I did in year six. I failed it actually.

• 18:51Speaker 01

  I tell you what, line bikes or any bike hire system in any city.

• 18:57Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 18:57Speaker 01

  Need to have red light sensors on them that immobilise them and arrest the driver if they go through them. You could do that. You could have a sensor on the bike that says.

• 19:08Speaker 00

  Have you got a job as a columnist at a right wing paper, John?

• 19:11Speaker 01

  Uh, no, I've got a job as a columnist at Common Sense Express.

• 19:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's what it'd be called.

• 19:16Speaker 01

  I don't, I don't think not wanting.

• 19:18Speaker 00

  And he's invested in a new right wing newspaper because that's the way the wind is blowing.

• 19:22Speaker 01

  I don't think not wanting to be hit by a line bike is a political issue. I think it's a personal safety issue.

• 19:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, of course.

• 19:28Speaker 01

  And they weave through pavements and they don't wear helmets.

• 19:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:33Speaker 00

  Yeah. And I've got more of a problem with electric scooters.

• 19:37Speaker 01

  Oh, a hundred million per cent.

• 19:40Speaker 00

  Which frighten me on a daily basis.

• 19:43Speaker 01

  Well, the thing is.

• 19:43Speaker 00

  And they also frighten me in other countries.

• 19:45Speaker 01

  They've gone.

• 19:46Speaker 00

  No one is doing it properly. Like I've been in France and Poland. Portugal and they've got them and you're like, come on me.

• 19:51Speaker 01

  They've got signs on the Tube now saying, no e-scooters are allowed on the Tube. And you kind of want to go, they're not allowed anywhere. They are illegal. Why are, say, PS and they're illegal on public roads.

• 20:08Speaker 00

  That would be a very sweet, it would be a very sweet house style change for public notices. If they started having PS, like, PS, not just speed limit, no, not just speed limit, but PS, on this road it's 60.

• 20:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:22Speaker 00

  Be quite a sweet way of doing it, I think.

• 20:24Speaker 01

  Yeah. But yeah, unless of course the e-scooter is part of a council certified trial, in which case they are allowed on public roads. But those ones are limited.

• 20:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:34Speaker 01

  The change wise, yeah.

• 20:35Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 20:36Speaker 01

  But they're illegal, Dave.

• 20:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, they are, but you do see them.

• 20:39Speaker 01

  But why don't, and this is maybe where I stray into right wing.

• 20:42Speaker 00

  Clarkson territory.

• 20:43Speaker 01

  Why don't we just have 10,000 police officers solely clumping down on e-scooters?

• 20:48Speaker 00

  No, not police officers, snipers. Punishable by death.

• 20:53Speaker 01

  Probably get elected on that ticket.

• 20:55Speaker 00

  You'd have a sniper on the top of every Santander.

• 20:59Speaker 01

  Of which, of which there aren't enough now. So another thing the snipers are doing are opening Santander's.

• 21:06Speaker 00

  Do you remember we used to do Clarkson's hyperbole?

• 21:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:09Speaker 01

  For three weeks.

• 21:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 21:12Speaker 01

  Didn't really work.

• 21:13Speaker 00

  No, it didn't.

• 21:14Speaker 01

  Just reading out Jeremy Clarkson columns.

• 21:17Speaker 00

  It's good times. I'm live, I'm live radio.

• 21:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, live on BBC Five Live.

• 21:21Speaker 00

  We were pushing the boundaries.

• 21:23Speaker 01

  Everyone loves him now, though. It wouldn't work now because everyone would be like, do you know what? Clarkson's farm's good.

• 21:28Speaker 00

  The farm did in the world are good, to be fair.

• 21:31Speaker 01

  I keep passing a bridge on the motorway which says Clarkson for Prime Minister under it. And every time my entire body sinks.

• 21:40Speaker 00

  Yeah. Who wrote that? And why?

• 21:46Speaker 01

  Someone who's got a lot of money, I would say.

• 21:48Speaker 00

  Yeah. But he also, he's, it's not a part of his agenda.

• 21:55Speaker 00

  It's not like he said, I wouldn't mind being Prime Minister one day.

• 21:59Speaker 01

  But then Frank Zappa, you used to be able to get Zappa for president t-shirts. So maybe it's that. And that, to be fair, would also have been a disaster.

• 22:05Speaker 00

  Yeah. Maybe he's too busy writing riffs.

• 22:09Speaker 01

  Yeah. So that's all my Welsh stuff.

• 22:11Speaker 00

  That's fantastic. You've had a great, so did you walk the Pembrokeshire coastal path?

• 22:15Speaker 01

  Yes. Yes.

• 22:17Speaker 00

  Oh my gosh. I've, this, this is a holiday I heartily endorse.

• 22:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's very you. So good.

• 22:25Speaker 00

  You've got a freshwater east, that's really nice as well.

• 22:27Speaker 01

  No, did not. I mean, there's just so much to see and do.

• 22:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, of course. Yeah. And also you presumably had good weather.

• 22:34Speaker 01

  Oh, superb weather and also a nice bit of rain. But as I said, did I tell you last, hang on, who was on this show last week?

• 22:43Speaker 00

  Lou Sanders.

• 22:44Speaker 01

  And you weren't here.

• 22:45Speaker 00

  I was here.

• 22:46Speaker 01

  And Ellis wasn't here.

• 22:47Speaker 00

  Before, I was here, but Dave wasn't, I mean, it was Husko.

• 22:51Speaker 01

  Oh, so I hadn't told you about when we arrived at Tenby and there was an entire bar of people singing that song. What's it called, Dave?

• 23:00Speaker 01

  Do you think you're better on your own? And sing it like it was the Welsh national anthem at 4pm on a Thursday.

• 23:09Speaker 00

  Town. I think, I think the local council tried to ban hen doos and stag doos because it became quite rowdy.

• 23:15Speaker 01

  The entire community would collapse.

• 23:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:20Speaker 01

  Because that's a big proportion of it, I think.

• 23:22Speaker 00

  Tune though. Is it Alice DJ?

• 23:24Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 23:24Speaker 00

  Yes. Oh my God. What an era for dance music. That's, that was my type of dance music.

• 23:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:31Speaker 00

  That's a tune.

• 23:32Speaker 01

  So that concludes my experience of the Welsh countryside. Do you know what? This is, I'm not having a go at Wales, Ellis, for crying out loud. The coast give me, gave me strong west coast of North Scotland vibes.

• 23:49Speaker 00

  Right.

• 23:49Speaker 01

  The difference is, when you turn to the, the land, it's not dramatic, but it is provincial French. It's like being in sort of Normandy or Burgundy.

• 24:03Speaker 00

  Brittany.

• 24:04Speaker 01

  Or Brittany.

• 24:05Speaker 00

  Tell you what is nice, I don't know if you went that far, the Prisely Mountains in North Pembrokeshire are really nice.

• 24:10Speaker 01

  I would like to get to mountains in Wales.

• 24:12Speaker 00

  But they're, I mean, the Prisely Mountains, cards on the table, not as spectacular as Snowdonia or even the Brecon Beacons, I would say. But they're nice and it's a, it's a different kind of landscape. North Pembrokeshire is quite different to South Pembrokeshire.

• 24:26Speaker 01

  And if anyone has read in the press, a harrowing story that recently, over the bank holiday, large amounts of rotting food and human excrement were left at beauty spots in Wales.

• 24:35Speaker 00

  That wasn't you.

• 24:36Speaker 01

  That wasn't me.

• 24:38Speaker 01

  I take only pictures, leave only memories and sometimes a wee.

• 24:46Speaker 00

  Glad you didn't leave rotting food on the beach.

• 24:48Speaker 01

  Or feces.

• 24:50Speaker 00

  Oh, I've seen some, have you seen some like drone shots of how festivals have been like this year?

• 24:55Speaker 01

  Reading festivals.

• 24:56Speaker 00

  Creamfields as well is another one. But then there's some that have really nailed it now. You see the drone shots and everyone takes every single drop. And it just looks like, like a day after.

• 25:05Speaker 01

  Every single drop of wee.

• 25:06Speaker 00

  Every single, no, drop's the wrong word, isn't it? Just every single item of what was on the field.

• 25:11Speaker 01

  They should just be prosecuted for fly tipping back on the column again. A thousand pound fine. You've got CCTV, you've got the details, you've got their tickets.

• 25:18Speaker 00

  You've probably not got CCTV. You are a hard person to work out.

• 25:25Speaker 01

  I just think if you, if you use the countryside, you have to respect the countryside, which I could get elected to a Tory party.

• 25:34Speaker 00

  No, I totally, I totally agree with that. I'm not a litter, I'm not a litter bug.

• 25:37Speaker 01

  God, no.

• 25:38Speaker 00

  Not a litter bug.

• 25:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:40Speaker 00

  Famously not a litter bug. Well, not famous.

• 25:52Speaker 03

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• 26:24Speaker 04

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• 26:58Speaker 01

  I tell you, someone else who's seen a lot of the Welsh countryside recently, Ellis.

• 27:02Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 27:03Speaker 01

  Hugo Chambre.

• 27:06Speaker 00

  Okay, Hugo's bedroom.

• 27:07Speaker 01

  Hugo bedroom in French. Yes, we've been talking about Hugo Chambre for some time now. Because Hugo has begun a quest, which I have, I haven't poured scorn on it.

• 27:19Speaker 00

  No. I think you pointed out that it was difficult.

• 27:22Speaker 01

  I poured doubt on it.

• 27:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:24Speaker 01

  Hugo is travelling from Land's End to John O'Groats, playing a round of golf every day until he breaks par.

• 27:30Speaker 00

  What happens if he doesn't?

• 27:32Speaker 01

  He has to come keep zigzagging up. Well, we will find out.

• 27:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:36Speaker 01

  Because I'm delighted to say that in between the 18th and the 19th hole.

• 27:42Speaker 00

  A wink there at.

• 27:46Speaker 01

  We have, well, we've got the sound of calling in our ears.

• 27:51Speaker 00

  This is real. This is live. This is how it happens. This is excrement on the beach. This is real. This is, I felt a bit, Who Wants to be a Millionaire, that didn't it?

• 28:00Speaker 01

  Is that, is that a sequel to Sex on the Beach?

• 28:04Speaker 01

  Anyway, we're joined by Hugo now. Hello Hugo.

• 28:10Speaker 05

  I'm slightly struggling with my audio. I don't know if you can hear me.

• 28:14Speaker 01

  We can hear you. Can you hear us?

• 28:16Speaker 05

  Quite faintly.

• 28:18Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 28:18Speaker 05

  At the moment.

• 28:19Speaker 01

  You were loud and now you're next loud. Engage the defaintify software.

• 28:26Speaker 01

  Hugo, maybe if you turn off your video, it might help.

• 28:30Speaker 05

  I can do that. That's a bit mean, but I can do that.

• 28:33Speaker 00

  Well, we do like the visuals for the visuals.

• 28:37Speaker 01

  Okay, there is a fundamental flaw with the way we record this podcast and I will not rest until everyone has been sacked. And then I will solve the problem. I'll probably have to rehire Zoff and Michael.

• 28:49Speaker 00

  Well, you'll just have to do it.

• 28:50Speaker 01

  And Dave, to be honest.

• 28:51Speaker 00

  No, you can do it all. You know what you're doing. So I remain sacked.

• 28:54Speaker 01

  Oh, Ellis, you will be on a no hours contract.

• 29:01Speaker 00

  Yeah. I'm glad I handled the recruitment at Significant Productions. Can't lie.

• 29:07Speaker 01

  You'd have so much paperwork, Dave. Okay, Michael's eighth sacking of the quarter. How much compensation do we need to give him?

• 29:15Speaker 00

  Also.

• 29:16Speaker 01

  Unfair dismissal number 13 for Zoff.

• 29:18Speaker 00

  And also if, when, if Michael Zoff moved on, their CV would look crazy, wouldn't it? Sacked, rehired, sacked, rehired, sacked, rehired.

• 29:26Speaker 01

  Sorry, I was employed by a mentally ill person.

• 29:39Speaker 01

  We're delighted to say that Hugo joins us now. Hugo, how are you doing?

• 29:45Speaker 05

  Hello, Dave. Hello, John. Hello, Ellis.

• 29:47Speaker 02

  Hello.

• 29:47Speaker 05

  I'm good. I'm in a retail park outside Inverness.

• 29:52Speaker 01

  Oh, I may have been to the same one. Have you had a cry yet?

• 29:57Speaker 05

  Not yet. Is that on the agenda for my afternoon?

• 30:00Speaker 01

  Go to the Costa.

• 30:01Speaker 05

  Maybe Superdrug, a good location, or there's a Hollywood Bowl behind me.

• 30:05Speaker 01

  I recommend a Costa drive-through because they can hear it in your voice, but they can't see it on your face.

• 30:13Speaker 01

  Now.

• 30:13Speaker 05

  But yes, I'm good. Not on the verge of tears currently.

• 30:16Speaker 01

  Hugo, as discussed, you're travelling from Land's End to John O'Groats, playing golf every day, trying to break par. And I've poured doubt on the project. The fact you're even in Inverness doesn't fill me with confidence.

• 30:31Speaker 05

  Or have I done it already and I'm just enjoying the rest of the trip? No, no, I haven't. I've just been in Inverness. It's been a hard challenge. And when you first responded to my email, John, you did pour doubt, scorn and other things on my challenge. And I was playing quite well at that point. The weather was nice and I thought, this is so doable. John doesn't know what he's talking about. And since then, I've had some moments where it's been quite tough. I think we all wonder what we would be like under immense sporting pressure. And I'm quickly finding out that I'm not a mentality monster. I'm not a big game player.

• 31:16Speaker 02

  You're Elis James doing beat back.

• 31:18Speaker 05

  At points. And yeah, I've struggled to convert.

• 31:21Speaker 01

  Well, also, those people who do so well under pressure, the all-time greats of golf, your Faldo's, your McElroy's, et cetera, tend not to be sleeping in tents for a month.

• 31:32Speaker 05

  Yeah. No, they don't. Although, who knows? Maybe McElroy in his autobiography, when it comes out, will reveal that he has been in some sort of hyperbaric tent. Yeah, the tent has been interesting. I would say it's broadly been fine. I'm quite a good sleeper. It's not very soundproof. At the start, it got very cold at night and very hot in the mornings as soon as the sun comes up. It's not very waterproof. Thankfully, there hasn't been much rain in the UK recently. But yeah, I don't know why you would make a tent that's not waterproof, but.

• 32:11Speaker 01

  I don't know why you would buy a tent that's not waterproof.

• 32:13Speaker 02

  Hugo.

• 32:14Speaker 05

  Well, yeah.

• 32:15Speaker 02

  Hugo.

• 32:15Speaker 05

  I thought it would be. Anyway, yes, Ellis.

• 32:17Speaker 02

  How are you in yourself?

• 32:21Speaker 05

  Can I give you a rough timeline of events?

• 32:25Speaker 05

  In January, I got engaged.

• 32:28Speaker 02

  No one was expecting that.

• 32:30Speaker 05

  I ran an ultramarathon. And in August, I left home to go on a camping expedition to try and shoot a golf score. So I think there's something that some mental health professionals would have to say about that combination, that sequence of events. But I'm quite chipper, to be honest.

• 32:49Speaker 02

  I'm all right. I'm all right.

• 32:50Speaker 01

  I'm like down, Lyn. So.

• 32:53Speaker 02

  Going to go to your Baptist church?

• 32:55Speaker 01

  Not just a mental health professional as well, because I've got a list here of the food outlets you've been using. Starbucks 21, Subway 4, Burger King 5, McDonald's 8, Greg 7, Papa John's 7, Costa 5. Again, that's not what McElroy's nutritionist would recommend.

• 33:13Speaker 02

  Seven Papa John's, wow.

• 33:15Speaker 05

  The problem is, I've got quite a lot on my plate, not to sort of mix my metaphors. In terms of playing golf, travelling, trying to edit videos. And so going for the easiest options and cheap options has, yeah, it's been maybe not great for me long term. A lot of beige food, struggling to find vegetables in there on a regular basis. But hopefully I can get it done, achieve the goal and then go home to some sort of home-cooked food at some point.

• 33:48Speaker 01

  Okay. Well, you mentioned that you got engaged in January. We've also had, I don't know if you've heard, some correspondence with your fiance, Lily. Hugo, did you hear that?

• 34:02Speaker 05

  I did hear that, yes. I didn't actually know she had written that or what she'd written, but it was very funny. I very much enjoyed that.

• 34:10Speaker 01

  Because Lily.

• 34:11Speaker 05

  Yeah, there's been a lot of, Lily was very, well, you go on.

• 34:14Speaker 01

  Lily did seem to have been told a slightly less doubt-filled tale from yourself than from me as regards to the achievability of the task.

• 34:30Speaker 05

  Well, I was very optimistic when I left. So clearly that optimism had rubbed off on her, or maybe I'd convinced her that it was very doable.

• 34:40Speaker 05

  And at this point, it feels somewhat less doable.

• 34:46Speaker 05

  So, yeah, I mean, currently, she's, I mean, you know, her email was very funny. I think there was some prose for comic effect in there. She has broadly been very encouraging of my trip. I think she quite likes having me out of the flat. As soon as I told her of the plan, she was like, yeah, yeah, go, go, as long as it takes. And she keeps telling me how neat and tidy the flat is while I'm not there. John, you are the only person who is really keen to hammer home the integrity of the challenge. Getting an ad from you on the England Golf app late one night.

• 35:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, I've been checking out your scores, Hugo, but currently Lily is on the call.

• 35:30Speaker 02

  And she does exist.

• 35:31Speaker 01

  And she does exist. Lily, are you there?

• 35:34Speaker 06

  Yes, I am here.

• 35:37Speaker 01

  Lily.

• 35:37Speaker 05

  You told me you had an important work call this afternoon.

• 35:40Speaker 06

  Yeah, precisely.

• 35:43Speaker 01

  So Lily, what was the version of events given to you when Hugo left for this venture?

• 35:51Speaker 06

  Well, it was billed as a work trip and a relatively brief one.

• 35:58Speaker 01

  Ironically, a work trip that has, I think, seen Hugo probably not working for some four weeks.

• 36:04Speaker 02

  He's also driven 3,261 miles.

• 36:07Speaker 01

  Which he won't be able to claim. I mean, well, no one's paying him to do this. He's just gone mad, Dave.

• 36:15Speaker 01

  HMRC will take that into account.

• 36:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, but he could claim he's an influencer and he's making content for his channels, is that not? I don't know. I don't know where the line is there.

• 36:24Speaker 01

  Leave it with me.

• 36:25Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 36:26Speaker 01

  So Lily, how long did Hugo say he would probably be away?

• 36:30Speaker 06

  Well, he sort of said end of summer, maybe. See, I was going away for a couple of weeks. So it sort of billed as not too long after I came back.

• 36:40Speaker 01

  That sounds quite vague for a relationship. End of summer, maybe.

• 36:44Speaker 02

  It's like when the cocks go full.

• 36:46Speaker 06

  We're quite relaxed.

• 36:47Speaker 01

  That does sound like what people would say in the Victorian era when they went off for their European tour. I may be back next spring. It depends how Vienna is.

• 37:01Speaker 01

  So Hugo, what happens if you get to John O'Groats and you haven't broken par?

• 37:08Speaker 05

  There's some great golf in the Shetland Islands.

• 37:11Speaker 01

  And then in the sea.

• 37:12Speaker 05

  You know, there's further north to explore.

• 37:15Speaker 01

  There's what?

• 37:17Speaker 05

  There's further north to explore. I really wish we weren't having this conversation with Lily on the line.

• 37:24Speaker 02

  What's the, because you have a handicap of seven, what's the closest you've come to breaking par, Hugo?

• 37:32Speaker 05

  I was two under par with four holes to play. And a couple of them were quite easy holes as well. And I think that was just a mental collapse.

• 37:44Speaker 01

  Well, my argument, Hugo, would be that because you're focused on score, when you're scoring well, you will tense up. When you're scoring badly, you will give up.

• 37:57Speaker 05

  Thanks, John.

• 37:59Speaker 02

  Has your golf improved, Hugo?

• 38:02Speaker 05

  It definitely has. And it definitely did. I went through a real purple patch in Wales. And then sort of into the North West of England a bit. And since I've been in Scotland, there has been a serious increase in the amount of wind since I got here.

• 38:21Speaker 01

  It's all those Burger Kings.

• 38:24Speaker 05

  And the Burger Kings might be taking their toll. Yeah, that's possible too.

• 38:29Speaker 01

  Lily, what are your plans for the autumn, Dave?

• 38:35Speaker 06

  Well, I might have to come and visit the Shetland Islands if that's the only way I can see my field today.

• 38:41Speaker 02

  Lily, well, in terms of how the rest of the year is panning out, and dare I say, as we move into 2027, is there a point when your tone might change here? Because you seem very accepting and very relaxed at this stage. Have you kind of mapped out a point when maybe the narrative changes a little bit from your side and you start to maybe suggest Hugo comes home?

• 39:04Speaker 06

  Well, you see, the flat is very clean right now.

• 39:10Speaker 06

  And I'm having a lot of peace and quiet and reading a lot of books, which I enjoy. So.

• 39:17Speaker 01

  I mean, in many ways.

• 39:18Speaker 06

  Maybe a couple of months. I guess when the wedding admin kind of kicks in and we actually need to make some decisions.

• 39:25Speaker 01

  This is actually.

• 39:26Speaker 05

  But you're so good at the wedding admin.

• 39:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, nicely played. You certainly shoot under par for relationship communication. And I am beginning to think this is the relationship I've been looking for my whole life. This is one I can make stick. But, okay, Hugo, two practical questions. Who's marking your card and how do you afford this?

• 39:52Speaker 05

  I did mention, John, that you were the person who's most concerned about the integrity of the challenge. So sometimes I have played with people, but sometimes I have played on my own. And I know you said in the last episode that that doesn't count. But if we don't have our word, if we don't have our integrity, then what separates man from beast?

• 40:12Speaker 01

  Well, it's neither to do with word or integrity. It's to do with what counts as a qualifying score. You need to have your card signed.

• 40:20Speaker 05

  But I don't need it to be a qualifying score. I don't need it to count towards my handicap. I just need to do it. I just need to know that I have done it.

• 40:27Speaker 01

  So some of these scores I'm looking at, England Golf, you've asked a friend to attest your score who wasn't there.

• 40:35Speaker 05

  I prefer not to speak.

• 40:42Speaker 02

  What an answer.

• 40:43Speaker 00

  Imagine if you could do that in court.

• 40:45Speaker 01

  Mourinho.

• 40:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, I won't be answering this one.

• 40:48Speaker 01

  No comment.

• 40:49Speaker 00

  Sounds like a Mourinho press conference.

• 40:51Speaker 01

  No comment. Hugo, your DNA is on the steering wheel. They've got CCTV of you carrying the cases of, I don't know, buzz balls out of the Longus. No comment. You're still within your rights to say no comment.

• 41:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:07Speaker 00

  Yeah. I mean, the jury are going to take that into account, though, aren't they?

• 41:11Speaker 01

  I used to have a YouTube golf channel called Bad Golf with Alex Horne. And every so often.

• 41:17Speaker 05

  Come on, it's still alive.

• 41:18Speaker 01

  It's still there. It's still there.

• 41:21Speaker 01

  Every so often, like, a manager of a golf club would go, oh, great, that's really cool. Come down, we'll sort you out two tee times, you know, no charge, we'll get you a buggy. And that was great. And then most of the time, they'd be like, yes, £120 please. And a buggy is an extra £40. And we're like, okay, so we're not making any money on this one.

• 41:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:39Speaker 01

  Are you having to pay for the rounds of golf?

• 41:43Speaker 05

  It varies. I would say that the clubs have been very accommodating and friendly. And that I would not have been able to do this or play this many rounds if, if I'd had to pay at all of them.

• 41:57Speaker 00

  And is that, is that a joint bank account with Lily at this stage or a separate bank account?

• 42:02Speaker 05

  Separate bank accounts.

• 42:05Speaker 01

  Lily, at what, at what level of the wedding fund decreasing do you, do you call, call back your, your fiance?

• 42:17Speaker 06

  Imminently. One, one pound, I think.

• 42:21Speaker 01

  Well, I wish you all the best, Hugo. Lily, I am very envious of your life. It sounds like you've kind of got it made as long as Hugo is somehow independently wealthy.

• 42:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:33Speaker 00

  And good luck, Hugo. Keep, keep in touch.

• 42:35Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 42:35Speaker 01

  Well, keep in touch. I'll be following you because I don't want to give spoilers for your Instagram account because it's very fun to watch. But is it safe to say there's lots more videos to come?

• 42:46Speaker 05

  There are, yeah. John, you're also concerned about the speed of my video uploading. It's.

• 42:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:50Speaker 00

  Oh, you're doing it from a tent.

• 42:52Speaker 05

  Hugo.golfing on Instagram.

• 42:53Speaker 01

  Hugo.golfing on Instagram. And the videos are actually really good. It's not easy to edit. I mean, it's an absolute nightmare editing golf rounds.

• 43:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:04Speaker 01

  It's probably one of the most difficult things in the realm of video editing to do. But to do it all on one phone from a tent and to make it like digestible and exciting is, is a huge achievement.

• 43:17Speaker 00

  When you're trying to digest your seventh Greg's of the, of the week.

• 43:22Speaker 01

  But Hugo's handicap has gone down. He's now a, a 4.1 and two of the rounds have been won over par, which is devastatingly close. One of which featured, I believe, Hugo, a double bogey on the last.

• 43:37Speaker 05

  Yeah, it did. It did.

• 43:38Speaker 01

  That must have hurt more than a thousand suns.

• 43:44Speaker 05

  Yeah. And, and the good thing is I've got plenty of time on my own to just think about it. Just sit and think, what if?

• 43:53Speaker 01

  Well, thank you, Hugo. Thank you, Lily. Feel free, either of you, to get in touch with any updates. And maybe Hugo, what we'll do is if, if you fail, we'll play a round of golf together. And.

• 44:04Speaker 05

  That sounds very nice.

• 44:06Speaker 01

  I'll come up.

• 44:06Speaker 05

  But I won't fail.

• 44:07Speaker 01

  Well, if, if you, if you do, just, just in case, I'll come up to John O'Groats, we'll play, you'll break par, you'll come back and I'll stay there forever until I die frowning at the sea.

• 44:19Speaker 00

  Good luck.

• 44:20Speaker 05

  Cheerio.

• 44:22Speaker 06

  Bye.

• 44:23Speaker 00

  Bye, Lily.

• 44:24Speaker 05

  Love you, Lily.

• 44:25Speaker 06

  Love you.

• 44:26Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 44:29Speaker 01

  And I love me.

• 44:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:31Speaker 01

  And I am loved and I am worthy.

• 44:33Speaker 00

  And you're worthy and you deserve love.

• 44:36Speaker 01

  I deserve love.

• 44:38Speaker 00

  We should call the podcast that. It's the podcast title, John Deserves Love.

• 44:41Speaker 05

  John Deserves Love.

• 44:42Speaker 01

  We all deserve, everyone deserves.

• 44:43Speaker 00

  Everyone deserves.

• 44:44Speaker 01

  There is only love. Love is the only option.

• 44:47Speaker 00

  Uh, no.

• 44:47Speaker 01

  What, what else have you got?

• 44:48Speaker 00

  Football.

• 44:49Speaker 05

  Hate.

• 44:51Speaker 01

  True, actually. Um, there's lots of other options.

• 44:54Speaker 00

  Being numb?

• 44:55Speaker 01

  Being numb. Well, speaking of love, let's talk to Adrian.

• 45:04Speaker 00

  Anyway, I hope you're enjoying the new football season because you do like the football as well as the, the balance sheets, don't you? Oh, absolutely. I mean, I'm, I'm as daft as any other football player. I, I work in Liverpool and I live in Brighton, just, just because I've got a season ticket there. And, and I commute up every week. That, that's how dumb football fans are. But football fans understand that, that daftness that we have. Yeah. Okay. Kieran McGuire, football finance guru. Thank you very much indeed. Ellis and John, join us now. They're coming up next, although today the part of John will be, will, will, won't be played by John, interestingly. Interesting that. How are you both?

• 45:46Speaker 00

  Very good, thanks. Is that Kieran? Does he do the Swiss Rumble account on Twitter? No, he doesn't. He, he's our version of it. I think they respect each other, but underneath, I think they're, they're probably sworn enemies.

• 46:00Speaker 01

  I can't get over the Brighton to Liverpool commute.

• 46:03Speaker 00

  No.

• 46:04Speaker 01

  Surely that's just so catastrophic on your mental health and time, time richness.

• 46:10Speaker 00

  After a, after a, well, after, I had this argument with a psychologist yesterday, actually. I, I don't know whether a long return to where you live from for a football match from the home games is good or bad. I think it makes you worse as a fan. What, what do you think? You've got more time to, you've got more time to, you've got more time, more time to stew on it.

• 46:34Speaker 01

  You once drove to Sunderland from Carmarthen to watch a nil-nil, didn't you?

• 46:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was Carlisle. Yeah. At least you got a point. On a Tuesday night, nil-nil. Clean sheet. Yeah, we hit the bar. We hit, we did hit the bar in the second half.

• 46:48Speaker 01

  And did that sustain the chat for the six hour drive? The bar hit?

• 46:53Speaker 00

  Do you know what? What sustained the chat was I got given a homemade parking ticket by, by someone that I'd parked outside someone's house and they'd made like a parking ticket, obviously that wasn't legally binding. I had it with a calligraphy pen that just said, please never do this again. So that sustained the chat for about four hours. When, when I was, when I was living in Cardiff in the early nineties, I, I got together with the, the South Wales branch of the West Brom Supporters Club. And there was a lad from Bridge End there who told me that when he got back home to Bridge End from West Brom once, he was so furious, he'd stewed for so long, that when he got home, he took out the battleship he'd very skillfully, carefully, painstakingly made with matches.

• 47:36Speaker 00

  He took it into the garden, this beautiful thing, sprayed it with lighter fuel and torched it. He was still sorry angry. That's amazing. Yeah. Yeah, it is, um.

• 47:48Speaker 01

  I, I would, I've got to say this, just watch it on the old telly.

• 47:53Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, that's how you're different, isn't it? Not the same.

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• 48:36Speaker 03

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• 49:08Speaker 04

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• 49:41Speaker 01

  Dave, there are snipers on every lookout tower.

• 49:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:45Speaker 00

  On the SunTunda.

• 49:46Speaker 01

  There is discontent within the camp.

• 49:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:52Speaker 01

  Um, I am tiring of-

• 49:53Speaker 00

  Are we reading the same sheet?

• 49:57Speaker 01

  I am tiring of the manual labour. Sure, I'm a conscientious objector, but I don't deserve this.

• 50:05Speaker 02

  What are you talking about?

• 50:07Speaker 01

  We're in the ring-fenced section. I've been ring-fenced.

• 50:10Speaker 02

  Oh, I see. Okay, cool.

• 50:11Speaker 01

  It's what they did with conscientious objectors in the war.

• 50:14Speaker 02

  Oh, did they?

• 50:15Speaker 01

  They would sort of do the work on little farms and camps and stuff.

• 50:18Speaker 02

  Oh, right. Okay.

• 50:19Speaker 01

  Read Keith Vaughan's journals. They're superb.

• 50:22Speaker 02

  I will, actually.

• 50:24Speaker 01

  He was an artist in the, uh, 30s, 40s and 50s and spends a lot of his-

• 50:31Speaker 00

  And a conch.

• 50:31Speaker 01

  A conch.

• 50:32Speaker 00

  Growing tomatoes?

• 50:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, spends a lot of his journal detailing, um, a futuristic sex device he's invented.

• 50:39Speaker 00

  Then I'm definitely reading it.

• 50:41Speaker 01

  Which is some form of black box, but he never explains what it does.

• 50:46Speaker 00

  So it's like, what, based on 1940s technology?

• 50:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, imagine like-

• 50:49Speaker 00

  Just wind up.

• 50:50Speaker 01

  H.G. Wells's time machine, but it's a sex device.

• 50:54Speaker 00

  Okay, then I'm, I'm actually putting an asterisk next to his name.

• 50:57Speaker 02

  I'd put a question mark next to the whole thing, Ellis, what's your writing?

• 50:59Speaker 01

  And, um, no, I won't spoil it, but the most incredible end to a set of journals you will ever read.

• 51:07Speaker 00

  Okay, I'm actually right, I'm, there's a big box going around Keith Vaughan's journals now.

• 51:14Speaker 02

  And talking about incredible ends to incredible content, of course.

• 51:18Speaker 01

  Thank you, Dave.

• 51:19Speaker 02

  And sexy content as well, coming back to the sexiness of Keith. What's his name? Keith Vaughan? Keith Vaughan's book. Uh, there is, uh, sexiness aplenty in one of our recent escapades, isn't there?

• 51:29Speaker 01

  I wouldn't say sexiness aplenty. Ellis talks about being aroused and then we make some pots.

• 51:34Speaker 02

  Uh, I think you skip out one huge bit in the middle of our latest adventure.

• 51:38Speaker 01

  Well, let's save that to people, for people to watch on patreon.com forward slash Ellis and John. The new adventures of Ellis and John is up. It is, um, audacious. It is, uh-

• 51:52Speaker 00

  Creative. It comes out better on camera than I expected.

• 51:57Speaker 01

  Yes, and better than it sounds.

• 51:58Speaker 00

  And is better than it sounds. I've thoroughly enjoyed it.

• 52:01Speaker 02

  It is one of my favourite ones in terms of the-

• 52:03Speaker 01

  Is it really?

• 52:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, because of the, what happens throughout the episode genuinely is one of my favourite adventures that we've done so far.

• 52:08Speaker 00

  It's one of my favourites mainly because even though the service station one should have been great, going to that many services in a day leaves you with a very empty feeling.

• 52:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 52:20Speaker 00

  Which I couldn't shift for about 72 hours.

• 52:23Speaker 02

  When I was in Norton Keynes on my own at half seven at night, I had a lot of questions.

• 52:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, on the way back, you don't feel like you're contributing to society.

• 52:30Speaker 00

  No. And they're not destinations.

• 52:34Speaker 01

  I would disagree with that.

• 52:36Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 52:36Speaker 01

  I went to Beckingsfield yesterday for a wee.

• 52:39Speaker 00

  What, even though you were in your house?

• 52:41Speaker 01

  No, I was travelling back from therapy and really needed a wee.

• 52:44Speaker 00

  Okay, but that's not a destination, that's-

• 52:46Speaker 01

  Well, it's a wee destination. Am I not glad it's there?

• 52:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, but you just needed it to be, it was convenient.

• 52:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was great. Otherwise it was probably on the slip road.

• 52:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, but like a cinema is a destination or a restaurant, but you wouldn't go to Beckingsfield just for the day.

• 53:01Speaker 02

  Shall we?

• 53:02Speaker 01

  Yes, Dave.

• 53:03Speaker 02

  Focus, please.

• 53:04Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 53:05Speaker 02

  On today's adventure release.

• 53:08Speaker 01

  Yes, I do hope there's a montage, Dave.

• 53:11Speaker 02

  Oh, well, as luck would have it, here is a montage of Elis James and John Robbins going pottery making.

• 53:19Speaker 02

  Why are we in Camden, Dave? Are we meeting your dealer? No. Are we meeting Big Mark? He never went as far as Camden.

• 53:27Speaker 00

  Have you got us a record deal?

• 53:28Speaker 02

  No, I've not got us a record deal, no. We're not doing drugs. We're heading inside for pottery making.

• 53:36Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 53:37Speaker 02

  That's social pottery.

• 53:40Speaker 01

  Ah, is it our hen do?

• 53:42Speaker 02

  It's not.

• 53:44Speaker 01

  Is it Ellis's 50th birthday?

• 53:46Speaker 00

  Are we, are we married and on the rocks?

• 53:48Speaker 01

  Are we going through the menopause?

• 53:51Speaker 01

  I'm gonna make an ashtray with skulls and robot snakes coming out of the skulls and knives on it.

• 53:57Speaker 02

  I'm gonna make the first clay tennis racket.

• 54:01Speaker 00

  Dave, I should warn you, pottery makes me horny.

• 54:06Speaker 00

  So how are we going to navigate that?

• 54:09Speaker 01

  We shouldn't have worn those lights shorts.

• 54:14Speaker 02

  I think the wheel will cover a multitude of sins in that respect.

• 54:17Speaker 00

  And it is a sin.

• 54:18Speaker 02

  Be as horny as you bloody well like, guys.

• 54:19Speaker 00

  It is a sin.

• 54:20Speaker 02

  Uh, we will make some pottery with a master potter.

• 54:24Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 54:25Speaker 02

  And they'll give you a pottery lesson.

• 54:27Speaker 01

  Or will I give them a pottery lesson?

• 54:29Speaker 02

  I would love to see it.

• 54:31Speaker 00

  Um, you see where you have a bit of a wobbly rim? Yeah. Well, I want to try. It's compressing the rim.

• 54:38Speaker 01

  Good grief.

• 54:38Speaker 00

  I know.

• 54:39Speaker 01

  It's an enormous temptation as a comedian and as a human to say, "Sounds like my love life a lot."

• 54:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:47Speaker 01

  But I'm not going to do that, Jack, but I need you to know that I've seen every single occasion.

• 54:54Speaker 00

  Swayze, more.

• 54:57Speaker 01

  Oh dear.

• 54:57Speaker 00

  What we need to do with director Dave's seal of approval. There's only more here, Dave.

• 55:02Speaker 01

  Porn director Dave.

• 55:03Speaker 00

  And vision.

• 55:04Speaker 01

  Pornography.

• 55:07Speaker 00

  Is recreate- My sexual awakening.

• 55:10Speaker 02

  The famous-

• 55:11Speaker 00

  In 1990.

• 55:22Speaker 01

  Just gonna take her up to a steady three quarters. Come on, come on, little girl. I've got you. You're in safe hands now.

• 55:32Speaker 00

  I think you said be careful at one point.

• 55:34Speaker 01

  It's gonna be okay. Don't you dry up now, baby girl.

• 55:40Speaker 01

  Papa's home.

• 55:54Speaker 00

  You are 15 minutes for the paint challenge of Ellis and John go pottery making. Your time starts now.

• 56:04Speaker 01

  It's not sort of a high octane, like a hundred metres, is it?

• 56:09Speaker 02

  You both just carried on doing what you were doing.

• 56:11Speaker 01

  Your time to gently paint your pottery starts now.

• 56:14Speaker 00

  Your hen do continues now.

• 56:17Speaker 01

  That's an outrage. I, I not giving away that, that bowl then based on that.

• 56:23Speaker 02

  The truth of the matter here is we strictly put on both of you with the glazing.

• 56:27Speaker 01

  It's instant disqualification and capital punishment.

• 56:29Speaker 00

  Well, it is, but there's a sort of, it is a moral issue. Why don't we just break them both in half?

• 56:36Speaker 01

  Well, why don't we give them both away, Dave?

• 56:38Speaker 02

  Oh, that's nice.

• 56:39Speaker 00

  This is lovely. I love this one.

• 56:40Speaker 01

  Why will you put your hummus? I'll just have to spoon it straight into my mouth. I'll cup it in my hands at parties.

• 56:48Speaker 00

  I know there's been an awful lot of speculation online about my actions. And I'd like to tell you all my side of the story.

• 57:02Speaker 02

  There we go.

• 57:02Speaker 01

  Dave, that feels like someone should now be going, "On Netflix."

• 57:07Speaker 00

  It felt huge, that one.

• 57:09Speaker 01

  Only on Amazon Prime.

• 57:10Speaker 02

  A lot goes into the app now. What is Ellis apologising for? You'll just have to wait and see. By the way, at the minute, there is a fantastic trailer up on Instagram, so follow at Ellis and John for the trailer.

• 57:21Speaker 01

  Dave, it's a lot of stuff.

• 57:23Speaker 02

  It's a lot of, this is what I mean. It's, it's one of my favourites because so much goes on. It's like a proper TV show, this one, because so much happens. There's so many beats to it, as, as they would say.

• 57:30Speaker 01

  No wonder we're not breaking even.

• 57:38Speaker 01

  It's worth it. It's worth it creatively.

• 57:40Speaker 02

  Creatively or in the black.

• 57:41Speaker 00

  But I don't, but I, but I don't care about that.

• 57:44Speaker 01

  Don't you?

• 57:47Speaker 01

  We're diffro.

• 57:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, we set the bar high. I will give you that.

• 57:51Speaker 01

  We've set the bar high and spent too much on the bar.

• 57:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:54Speaker 01

  That's why they don't do high jump over a gold bar, Dave.

• 57:57Speaker 00

  I'd rather be financially in the black.

• 57:59Speaker 02

  Yeah. Uh, it's, it's a hell of an app. Uh, yeah, the trailer is up on Instagram. Of course, the, the actual, the full app is now on Patreon.

• 58:07Speaker 01

  Yes, uh, so you can sign up, please, at Ellis and John. No, patreon.com forward slash Ellis and John. And, uh, I am going to, I say this.

• 58:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 58:17Speaker 01

  I will do a personal meet and greet with anyone who signs up 10,000 of their friends.

• 58:24Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 58:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:25Speaker 02

  Cool. Will you?

• 58:26Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 58:26Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 58:27Speaker 00

  So we are giving away-

• 58:29Speaker 01

  For five minutes in silence or two minutes with chat.

• 58:33Speaker 02

  There you go. There's the caveats. There's always a couple of caveats at the end.

• 58:35Speaker 01

  That'd be so funny to do. You know, like you get those meet and greet tickets at gigs.

• 58:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:40Speaker 01

  Like, you, you can do it, but they won't speak to you. You just stand next to them.

• 58:44Speaker 02

  We're giving both pots away.

• 58:46Speaker 00

  You can have a selfie in silence.

• 58:47Speaker 02

  Yeah. I'm looking at the pots now. They're in the corner of the studio. We're giving them both away, aren't we, Ellis?

• 58:52Speaker 00

  Yes, we're giving mine away on Instagram and we're giving John's away on Patreon. To find out how to win either pot, head to our Patreon and Instagram. As Dave said, the trailer went up on Instagram earlier today, but you can watch it now. It is live on our Patreon page, so please go there if you're a member and do consider signing up if you're not.

• 59:11Speaker 01

  They're very good pots because one of them is, um, varnished and one of them is tarnished.

• 59:16Speaker 02

  Interesting. We say no more.

• 59:17Speaker 01

  We say, we say no more. Say it to the sea, captain.

• 59:23Speaker 02

  Patreon.com.

• 59:24Speaker 01

  And the seven winds-

• 59:26Speaker 02

  Slash Ellis and John.

• 59:27Speaker 01

  Doth blow-

• 59:28Speaker 02

  I'm trying to wrap up.

• 59:29Speaker 01

  Thine eye to the foreshore at Bant Twain.

• 59:33Speaker 02

  The end.

• 59:34Speaker 01

  Now, on this show, we are always pushing boundaries.

• 59:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, we are.

• 59:38Speaker 01

  Just when you think this show is dead in the water and use internet forums to express that, which is your right.

• 59:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's democracy.

• 59:47Speaker 01

  That's democracy for you. Just when you think our backs will break with the final straw of a dearth of ideas, we revolutionise radio.

• 59:58Speaker 02

  Again.

• 59:58Speaker 01

  We turn podcasting on its head.

• 1:00:02Speaker 00

  You've got the same sheet as me.

• 1:00:04Speaker 01

  Never. Never, you would, never would they trust you with this sheet.

• 1:00:08Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 1:00:09Speaker 01

  This sheet has the keys to the kingdom.

• 1:00:10Speaker 00

  Oh, it's a John sheet, is it?

• 1:00:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's a John sheet. The John sheet is, I mean, it's not, I don't know if you've ever watched documentaries about Bletchley Park. It's just a series of glyphs.

• 1:00:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:21Speaker 01

  Uh, numero, alphanumeric symbols, the odd omega, the odd theta, the odd gamma knocking about.

• 1:00:32Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:00:33Speaker 01

  Um, some Arabic script. And from that, if that were paints, from that easel of words and glyphs, I paint my word masterpiece.

• 1:00:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:46Speaker 01

  And that's-

• 1:00:46Speaker 00

  And that's why Thirst was such a stressful embarkation.

• 1:00:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, a lot of-

• 1:00:50Speaker 00

  Because you had to translate it from the hieroglyphics.

• 1:00:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, but a lot of people from, um, MI5 enjoyed it. Um, Ellis?

• 1:01:00Speaker 01

  Two weeks ago, you told us you'd never eaten prunes.

• 1:01:05Speaker 02

  We've got the clip if you want to hear the clip.

• 1:01:07Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, let's hear the clip. Roll the clip. When I read that email, I did look into getting an ice cream maker because I really fancied prune ice cream. I think that would work really well.

• 1:01:18Speaker 00

  I don't think I've ever had a prune.

• 1:01:19Speaker 01

  You've never had a prune?

• 1:01:21Speaker 00

  No, I've had dates and figs.

• 1:01:23Speaker 01

  Oh my God, you've had everything but.

• 1:01:25Speaker 00

  And raisins and sultans.

• 1:01:27Speaker 01

  Prunes are great.

• 1:01:28Speaker 00

  Because of the laxative links. I'm always worried that I'll basically put a prune on my plate and then lose the next two days of my life to diarrhoea.

• 1:01:38Speaker 01

  Ellis, kiss goodbye to your expectations.

• 1:01:43Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:01:43Speaker 01

  Because we've got some prunes for you.

• 1:01:46Speaker 00

  Have you now? I had a, I had figs two days ago.

• 1:01:49Speaker 01

  Well.

• 1:01:50Speaker 00

  To sort of prepare my body, but I didn't know this was happening.

• 1:01:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:01:53Speaker 00

  So that's, that's Waitrose prunes and sultans.

• 1:01:56Speaker 01

  What would any other podcast do? They'd probably just sit around the office going, huh, turns out Ellis has never eaten prunes. That's interesting. Let's do the same old BS.

• 1:02:05Speaker 01

  Not this podcast, Ellis.

• 1:02:06Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:02:07Speaker 01

  You're going to try prunes next episode.

• 1:02:11Speaker 00

  I'm not doing it now.

• 1:02:14Speaker 01

  We're not mad.

• 1:02:15Speaker 00

  What's, you're actually teasing me trying, trying prunes for the first time?

• 1:02:19Speaker 01

  That's because we think vertically, horizontally and in 4D.

• 1:02:23Speaker 00

  Have you, have you laced them or something?

• 1:02:25Speaker 01

  No, the tin's still, it's still on the tin.

• 1:02:28Speaker 02

  Okay. Give it a tap for the mics. People know it's actually there. There it is. Signed, sealed, delivered.

• 1:02:34Speaker 01

  So I can confirm that if you listen to the next episode, Ellis will eat some prunes for the first time.

• 1:02:41Speaker 00

  So the Tuesday app, the flagship app.

• 1:02:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:43Speaker 01

  Prunageddon.

• 1:02:44Speaker 00

  Prunageddon.

• 1:02:45Speaker 02

  We're teasing content across the podcast episodes, Ellis.

• 1:02:48Speaker 00

  So the Tuesday app that will, that will be, that will go out on Five Live, yeah, the following Friday, I'm going to be trying prunes for the first time.

• 1:02:55Speaker 01

  Will Ellis turn out to be a prude or a prunetic? See you next week.

• 1:03:02Speaker 00

  Okay, good.

• 1:03:03Speaker 01

  Lights out. Checkmate. Game over. Game, set and match.

• 1:03:07Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah. It'd be like, it'd be like, like an axe being swung towards a screen, like in a trailer, then blackout.

• 1:03:13Speaker 01

  Bosch.

• 1:03:13Speaker 02

  Okay. Great. Well, I'm excited.

• 1:03:16Speaker 01

  I'm excited.

• 1:03:17Speaker 00

  I hope I like them.

• 1:03:18Speaker 02

  How do you feel?

• 1:03:18Speaker 01

  I'm sure you like them. I love them.

• 1:03:19Speaker 00

  Because it's not very nice to eat food you don't like.

• 1:03:22Speaker 02

  No. Don't worry for the, and rightly so, people don't love smacking of lips into the mics. We'll be careful with all that.

• 1:03:29Speaker 00

  I'll hold the mic away. Yeah. I'll do what I'll do. I'll stand in the corner and I'll eat prunes and I'll shout, I'll shout my verdict.

• 1:03:35Speaker 02

  No, no, we need you on the cameras.

• 1:03:36Speaker 01

  He'll eat them on the toilet and we'll have a boom, a boom mic over the top to protect his dignity.

• 1:03:42Speaker 00

  Yeah. We could do live updates in the toilet as the prunes take effect.

• 1:03:46Speaker 02

  Is it that? Because I, I've had few prunes in my life. Is it that instance?

• 1:03:50Speaker 01

  No, it's not.

• 1:03:51Speaker 02

  Oh, you'll be all right.

• 1:03:51Speaker 01

  So I mean, if you, if you ate like three tins because you'd read an article that they were good for you, then you might be in a bit of trouble. But it's not, it's not like taking a laxative.

• 1:04:00Speaker 00

  But I think, I think Polar Mints have those effects, don't they?

• 1:04:03Speaker 01

  Yeah. If you ate three tubes.

• 1:04:04Speaker 00

  Three, three, three packets of Polar Mints. Yeah.

• 1:04:06Speaker 01

  Or chewing gum.

• 1:04:07Speaker 00

  So I've, I've never had a prune and you've had very few prunes in your life. It was John's prune boy.

• 1:04:13Speaker 02

  No, but this is, this is all about you. I don't need to tweet any. I don't need to tweet any. We need to get two more tins of prunes.

• 1:04:17Speaker 00

  I mean, why are we doing this on the radio? Why are we doing this on the radio? We should be doing this in a stadium.

• 1:04:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, we should be doing this live.

• 1:04:22Speaker 02

  This should be for Netflix.

• 1:04:23Speaker 00

  We should have done this at Wembley.

• 1:04:25Speaker 02

  We've got the Royal Albert Hall around the corner.

• 1:04:26Speaker 00

  Oh, well, why didn't we do it then? I could have just eaten prunes.

• 1:04:29Speaker 01

  For Royal Albert Hall, it'll be kumquats.

• 1:04:33Speaker 01

  It'll be 10 different fruits Ellis has never had. Write that down, Dave.

• 1:04:36Speaker 00

  What, 10 different fruits Ellis has never had?

• 1:04:38Speaker 01

  Do a sour sop. We could do a custard apple.

• 1:04:41Speaker 00

  Never had that, never had that.

• 1:04:43Speaker 01

  We could do a mangosteen.

• 1:04:45Speaker 00

  Never had that.

• 1:04:46Speaker 01

  We could do.

• 1:04:47Speaker 00

  I've had dragon fruit, FYI.

• 1:04:49Speaker 01

  Oh, we could do white dragon fruit.

• 1:04:51Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:04:52Speaker 01

  Which is disgusting.

• 1:04:53Speaker 00

  Great.

• 1:04:53Speaker 01

  But looks like the best thing on earth.

• 1:04:56Speaker 00

  Okay. White dragon fruits.

• 1:04:58Speaker 01

  Yeah. I mean, and regular dragon fruits do, but they're hugely disappointing flavour.

• 1:05:03Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. I haven't eaten a pear since 1990. I could give that a go.

• 1:05:05Speaker 01

  Really?

• 1:05:06Speaker 02

  What?

• 1:05:06Speaker 00

  I don't like pears. Yeah. But I think pears are all right. Anyway, tune into Tuesday's app.

• 1:05:13Speaker 01

  Tune into Tuesday's app.

• 1:05:14Speaker 00

  I'm nervous. I'm nervous.

• 1:05:15Speaker 01

  Are we ending it on that cliffhanger then, Dave?

• 1:05:17Speaker 02

  We are, yeah. We may as well.

• 1:05:18Speaker 01

  Okay. We'll do, we'll do Mad Dad on Tuesday as well.

• 1:05:21Speaker 00

  Oh, nervous now.

• 1:05:22Speaker 02

  Got a big show on Tuesday. It's all, it's all to come.

• 1:05:25Speaker 01

  Okay. Oh, in fact.

• 1:05:27Speaker 02

  Go on.

• 1:05:28Speaker 01

  One of the Mad Dads is prune related again.

• 1:05:31Speaker 00

  Is it?

• 1:05:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05:33Speaker 00

  Do I could, I could eat loads of things that have a laxative effect. That'd be laugh, couldn't it? I could have prunes. I could have a big black coffee, smoke a fag and have a curry.

• 1:05:43Speaker 01

  And I'll make you really nervous. And then you have to do your exams.

• 1:05:46Speaker 00

  You could chase me.

• 1:05:49Speaker 00

  You could chase me. We could see if I can S myself on the radio.

• 1:05:53Speaker 01

  And somehow this happens. Wake you up at 3:30 for an early flight.

• 1:05:59Speaker 00

  Oh, really?

• 1:06:00Speaker 01

  That always does. That always gives me a tricky time.

• 1:06:02Speaker 00

  And then I can go abroad and change my diet for a bit.

• 1:06:05Speaker 01

  Yeah. And you're on a train to the airport where the toilet is out of order.

• 1:06:08Speaker 00

  Yeah. Okay. All right. We'll do that on the, on the radio.

• 1:06:15Speaker 01

  That would be like, I mean, it'd be obviously awful, but sort of an episode of Jackass.

• 1:06:22Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:06:22Speaker 01

  Where all four of them have been laced with all those monstrosities and just the camera following each one on a mission to get to a toilet.

• 1:06:30Speaker 02

  I saw a clip the other week of the, of Jackass where they, he gets locked in a porter cabin that's just full of poo. And then he gets pulled up on a, pulled up on a crane and then gets turned upside down. It's horrible.

• 1:06:41Speaker 01

  It is horrible. And you could die.

• 1:06:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:06:45Speaker 01

  You could get horrible infections.

• 1:06:46Speaker 00

  My man got tipped in a port Louis festival about 20 years ago. Horrible business.

• 1:06:50Speaker 01

  However.

• 1:06:51Speaker 00

  Not for me.

• 1:06:52Speaker 01

  Those GoPros that we have on our heads looking at us for the adventures.

• 1:06:56Speaker 00

  For the Elis James diarrhoea challenge.

• 1:07:00Speaker 01

  Plus CCTV.

• 1:07:02Speaker 00

  Oh, I don't want CCTV. That's horrible thought. CCTV in a public toilet.

• 1:07:06Speaker 01

  Following three people into one of the messes themselves. The pilot could be in a big field.

• 1:07:11Speaker 02

  I think this, no, I think we've got better ideas.

• 1:07:13Speaker 00

  We should be doing this at the Etihad. That would be absolutely massive.

• 1:07:17Speaker 02

  Right. Well, I think we've built, we've, we've built this up enough. There's nowhere else to go with prunes, of course. So we should say goodbye.

• 1:07:24Speaker 00

  Yes. Thank you very much for listening. We'll be back on Saturday with the bureau and then on Tuesday. Goodbye.

• 1:07:29Speaker 01

  Bye bye.

• 1:07:31Speaker 00

  He said it had never been done. He thought it was the impossible dream.

• 1:07:37Speaker 01

  What's this?

• 1:07:39Speaker 00

  Now, is all that about to change? Forever. One man.

• 1:07:48Speaker 00

  One piece of dried fruit.

• 1:07:52Speaker 00

  One question. Will he S himself again like he did in Butte Park after too many Red Bulls?

• 1:08:01Speaker 00

  From the creators of the Cymru Connection, Made Up Games and John walks around an Aldi.

• 1:08:10Speaker 00

  Get ready for Ellis Eats a Prune.

• 1:08:17Speaker 00

  In podcast feeds from Tuesday, 8th of September.

• 1:08:24Speaker 00

  Ellis Eats a Prune is a significant production in association with prunes.

• 1:08:31Speaker 01

  Oh God.

• 1:08:33Speaker 00

  It's a living, isn't it? It's a living. I was worked today, Dave. All right. Right. Cinematic trailer for Ellis trying to prune on the radio.

• 1:08:44Speaker 02

  I had to record that into my daughter's wardrobe for the acoustics.

• 1:08:48Speaker 00

  It's not right. In association with prunes.

• 1:08:54Speaker 02

  Michael, great edit by the way.

• 1:08:56Speaker 01

  If you'd.

• 1:08:57Speaker 02

  Great edit.

• 1:08:58Speaker 01

  If you told me walking off my first ever stand-up open mic gig that I'd be doing this, I'd have said, yeah, fine. But what is it and how did we get there?

• 1:09:14Speaker 01

  I mean, I'd, I'd rather do that than drive to Manchester for 10 minutes for no money in a, in a Mini that gives me a bad back. I don't, you know, I'm not saying no.

• 1:09:23Speaker 00

  It's better.

• 1:09:24Speaker 01

  I'm saying why.

• 1:09:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:09:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:09:26Speaker 02

  There we go.

• 1:09:27Speaker 01

  Well, tune in.

• 1:09:28Speaker 00

  People listen.

• 1:09:30Speaker 02

  People of that is, watch the Spike and listens for prunes on Tuesday.

• 1:09:35Speaker 01

  So Dave, what I want to see on the Cara is that trailer set to footage from, of me handing the prunes, Ellis eating the prunes, us reacting to the prunes.

• 1:09:46Speaker 00

  Reacting. Whoa.

• 1:09:48Speaker 02

  I don't think it's Cara worthy. That's its own clip on the grid. This is grid, grid.

• 1:09:52Speaker 01

  It's grid worthy.

• 1:09:53Speaker 00

  That's grid.

• 1:09:53Speaker 01

  No one posts to grid anymore.

• 1:09:56Speaker 02

  Uh, me. We do, don't we? Joe, social media Joe's with us today. We do post to grid, don't we?

• 1:10:01Speaker 01

  No, but in terms of like young people.

• 1:10:03Speaker 00

  Young people don't.

• 1:10:03Speaker 02

  Oh, really?

• 1:10:04Speaker 00

  Young people's grids are empty, but their stories are very, very busy.

• 1:10:07Speaker 02

  So it means something, doesn't it?

• 1:10:09Speaker 01

  Oh, big time. If you're gonna, but even, I don't, I'm not sure it does. Cause you look at a lot of people's grids and it's like lockdown.

• 1:10:15Speaker 00

  Nah.

• 1:10:16Speaker 01

  And you're like, oh, all one goodbye. He's still with him.

• 1:10:23Speaker 02

  It's the bureau tomorrow, isn't it? With Lou Sanders, of course.

• 1:10:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:10:26Speaker 02

  So Lou in tomorrow for the bureau due to the unique way that they are recorded.

• 1:10:30Speaker 00

  And I listened to those shows and I howled with laughter and I considered quitting.

• 1:10:36Speaker 02

  No, goodness, no. It was fantastic though.

• 1:10:38Speaker 00

  Yeah. Ruth was great as well. I listened to Ruth's episode. It's good. We've got a great subs bench.

• 1:10:44Speaker 02

  Good ensemble cast.

• 1:10:45Speaker 00

  Strength in depth.

• 1:10:47Speaker 01

  It's Michael Owen and Ronaldo.

• 1:10:50Speaker 00

  Yeah. On the bench. On the bench.

• 1:10:54Speaker 02

  Okay, bye.

• 1:11:04Speaker 04

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• 1:11:36Speaker 01

  Thanks for listening to the show and you can follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Ellis and John for more content.

• 1:11:42Speaker 00

  And you can watch highlights of every episode over on our YouTube page at Ellis and John.

• 1:11:47Speaker 01

  Plus you can find all things EJJR, including links to our Patreon, our merch and much more by heading to ellisonjohn.com. See you next time.