Facing Death (with Sebastian Junger)

What does a lifelong atheist do when his dead father appears above him in the emergency room? Author and war reporter Sebastian Junger nearly bled to death in 2020 from a ruptured aneurysm, and what he saw in those moments sent him on a journey into physics, near-death experiences, and the nature of consciousness itself. In his third appearance on EconTalk, Junger discusses his remarkable book In My Time of Dying with host Russ Roberts. He reflects on covering wars from Sarajevo to Afghanistan, the strange phenomenon of dying people seeing the dead, and why he's still an atheist. Along the way, Junger offers a powerful meditation on terror and reverence, blessing and wounding, and why understanding life's fragility might be the most sacred gift of all.

• 0:02Speaker 00

  Welcome to Econ Talk, Conversations for the Curious, part of the Library of Economics and Liberty. I'm your host, Russ Roberts, of Shalem College in Jerusalem and Stanford University's Hoover Institution. Go to EconTalk.org where you can subscribe, comment on this episode, and find links to other information related to today's conversation. You'll also find our archives with every episode we've done going back to 2006. Our email address is [email protected]. We'd love to hear from you. Today is March 24, 2026, and my guest is author Sebastian Junger. This is his third

• 0:42Speaker 00

  appearance on Econ Talk. He was last here in June of 2021, talking about his book, Freedom. Before that, in 2018, we talked about his book, Tribe. I loved both those books. Our topic for today and his latest book is In My Time of Dying: How I Came Face to Face with the Idea of an Afterlife. And I want to say before we start that I like this book even more than the other two, which is saying something. Listeners, please go buy it, read it. It's beautifully written, and it makes you think. I read it in two settings. It's quite short. It's about 138 pages of text on my Kindle, but I wish it went on forever. It's that good. Sebastian, let's start with a little about yourself.

• 1:26Speaker 00

  I think if I was ever in physical danger, either from the natural world or bad people, you might be the one Econ Talk guest I'd want by my side. You are a very capable, resourceful human being in the physical world, which is increasingly rare, as we discussed recently with Alad McLean Jones last week. And you've faced danger many times, and some of those times you discuss in this book. So before we get to the events of the book that are at the center, talk about your life experiences that you brought to writing about death.

• 2:03Speaker 00

  And dying.

• 2:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, thank you. Well, just very briefly, my father was a wartime refugee. He fled Germany, fled Spain when the fascists came, and then fled France. And so, as my father, he brought a lot of awareness of war into my world when I was young. And that clearly implanted itself in my mind. My dad married an American woman. I grew up in Boston in a very safe, lovely, and wildly boring suburb called Belmont. And I was a very anxious kid. And so, what I went on to do, I now realize, with the benefit of hindsight and good counsel

• 2:46Speaker 01

  by people who love me, I realize I was basically my whole life wildly compensating for an upbringing that felt overly safe. And I'll put it very bluntly. When I was a teenager, I wanted to become a man. And I didn't know how to do that in the environment I grew up in. And so, I wound up as a war reporter for many years, and eventually stopped doing that and had a family, two young children. And that's when I nearly lost my life at home.

• 3:18Speaker 00

  But as a war reporter, where were you at various times?

• 3:23Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. So, my first war, self-assigned, self-funded, and really accountable to nobody, was Bosnia. It was Sarajevo, the siege of Sarajevo in 1993, 1994. And I came home from that and wrote my first book called The Perfect Storm. And I literally turned the manuscript in. I was dying to go back overseas. I turned the manuscript in, did not have high hopes for it. It felt like an odd book that people might not necessarily plug into. And I went overseas to Afghanistan. So, this is 1996, when the Taliban were just taking over Afghanistan. I saw them on the outskirts of Kabul. I saw them in Zalalabad.

• 4:06Speaker 01

  I'd come under some suspicion from them. I left and then I was in Kosovo and in 98 and Sierra Leone, Liberia, the civil war in Liberia as well, Nigeria, the Niger Delta with men rebels who were, who actually took me captive for a little while. That was very, very, very unpleasant. And, and then eventually I was with American soldiers in Afghanistan. I'd been in Afghanistan many times. I was there in 2000 with Ahmad Chama Sud, who was just fighting in the Northern Alliance, then 2001 when Masud's commanders took Kabul after 9/11. And then eventually with American soldiers. And ironically, in some ways, I'm probably best known for the work I did with American soldiers, even though I'd been to

• 4:49Speaker 01

  Afghanistan many times and really adore that country. And I really hope in my lifetime, I can go back safely with my family. That would be kind of a dream for me.

• 4:57Speaker 00

  So you've seen a reasonable amount of death in those, those journalism experiences, correct?

• 5:03Speaker 01

  Yes, I have. Yep.

• 5:07Speaker 00

  And you write about it in the book. And you mentioned a couple of brushes with death that you had as a, as a young man. Surfing, I think, was the, is the most dramatic one. Is that right?

• 5:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, when I was a kid and didn't know any better, I was surfing in midwinter off the coast of Massachusetts by myself. And I just, yeah, I almost drowned. I was in very, very big seas and I almost drowned. And I also was a climber for tree companies. So I did the aerial work. I worked 60, 70, 80, 100 feet in the air, hanging on a line with a running chainsaw, taking trees down in pieces. And which looks, I'm sure from the ground, it looks terrifying and dangerous and all that other stuff. And it's, and it's definitely terrifying. But what I realized up there in the treetops, and I made good money for a young, a young man, a young person, I made good money doing it. I love the job.

• 6:00Speaker 01

  But what I realized is that if I was going to get hurt or killed up there, It would only be because I made a mistake because I was simply dealing with the laws of physics. And if you top out a pine tree and you do it wrong and it comes back on you and crushes you, which can happen, it's because you did it wrong. Right? You didn't make the cuts right. You didn't account for wind direction, et cetera, et cetera. So I realized it's the laws of physics which are knowable. And so if I'm just super careful, I'm probably safer than I am driving down the road where there's a random element, other people, other drivers that aren't, don't obey the laws of physics. Right? They can't be predicted. And so I actually came to feel quite comfortable up there, even though I was also, you know,

• 6:45Speaker 01

  very scared of heights and learned to do the work simply by not looking, like literally not looking down. I completely compartmentalized my fear so that I could be functional. And then there's an equivalent process in combat where you can be functional and scared by compartmentalizing what happens, what's happening.

• 7:00Speaker 00

  When you were in combat, which you write about in a few different episodes in the book, what are you doing? Are you, as a journalist, are you, are you fighting? Are you just observing? What was your role in those situations?

• 7:13Speaker 01

  Oh, no, you're never fighting. I mean, that's, I mean, if you're fighting, you're not a journalist, you're a participant, right? And so I had, I had a video with American soldiers, I had a video camera. In other situations, earlier in my career, I just had a notebook and pen. I was writing down what I was seeing and hearing, what people were saying, and the sense I could make of everything with a video camera. You know, you're, you're recording events in the moment for later use, which is very different from distilling information into a notebook. They're both crucial to journalism. And so with American soldiers, when I used a video camera most, I had it on me constantly.

• 7:58Speaker 01

  I mean, literally constantly, I slept with that. Just you never knew when something was going to happen. Or you would never knew when there was a conversation between two soldiers that was to somehow evocative or interesting that you wanted to record that. It wasn't all combat. It was everything about life at this small outpost called Restrepo. I'm shooting video. I'm taking notes. I'm imitating everyone else very, very closely. Are they taking a knee and drinking some water on a long patrol? I'm doing that. Like, are we behind? Are we getting behind cover? I'm doing that. Are we getting low? I'm doing that. Like, everything that they did, I did. And because that was safer. And I just, I lived in terror of becoming a problem, somehow causing a, even being wounded would be causing

• 8:41Speaker 01

  a problem, right? Like, I just, like, they're out here on a combat mission. God forbid, I make that harder, or, or, or, God forbid, endanger someone or get someone hurt, right? So I was, I never asked for anything, like, not even, hey, can we just detour to that little hilltop so I can get a photograph? Like, what happens if someone gets hit on that little hilltop? How do you, how do you, how do you not, how do you live with yourself? Right? So I just never asked for anything. I wouldn't even ask someone to, like, bring me my coffee mug across, you know, from across the whatever. Like, I just, like, God forbid, God forbid. So, and I say, God forbid, I'm an atheist, so I understand the secular context, but I think you get my meaning about, it's unthinkable. And so I was very, very careful about what I asked for.

• 9:27Speaker 00

  In those settings, what was the most frightening moment that you remember that you, you probably write about in the book, but are there moments that stand out that were particularly horrific?

• 9:40Speaker 01

  Well, one was in Sierra Leone. We, we were, I was coming back from a frontline fight with a couple of Sierra Leonean soldiers and a couple of journalists in the open jeep. And the rebels that we were fighting, a group of them stepped out from the jungle and stopped us with their guns leveled, and seemed to be having a screaming argument about whether to kill us all. It was in Creole and I couldn't follow it. But at one point, a guy racked his gun and leveled it. And another guy grabbed the barrel and jerked it upwards. And so we were very, that was, it was my first experience with going kind of hollow inside, which is a fear response.

• 10:19Speaker 01

  And another time I was told by rebels in Nigeria after they detained me, they thought I was a spy. And one guy walked up to me and said, he had a machine, very muscular young man with a machine gun. He was a, he was an EJAL warrior. And he came up to me, he said, when we kill you later, I'll be the one to do it, just sort of by way of introduction. Very, very scary moments for me. And, and with American soldiers, there was, you know, we were in a lot of combat. The only time that I sort of like froze, which is another classic fear response is sort of freezing for a moment was when I, I had nothing to do because my, my video camera, the firefight started very suddenly. I almost got hit by the first round. It hit a sandbag right next to my forehead.

• 11:03Speaker 01

  And, and I couldn't get to my video camera, so I didn't have a job to do. I had nothing to do. And the only thing that insulates you from your fear is having a responsibility, right? And I, and I couldn't get to my camera. It was 10 feet away and this, between me and the cameras, the sand was moving from bullet impacts. I just, and I, because I didn't have a task, a mission, a purpose, I, I froze. And, and then Tim, my colleague, Tim, very brave, wonderful, beautiful Tim Heatherington, he, he jumped across that gap, threw me my camera and then started throwing ammo to the soldiers who were separated from their ammo as well. He was extremely brave in that moment.

• 11:47Speaker 01

  But of course, I've also seen him in moments when he was paralyzed and I was fine. So fear is a, fear is a weird thing, right? And I should just add that Tim was killed in combat in Libya in 2011. We're coming up on, on 15 years now.

• 12:04Speaker 00

  Now, the book revolves around a health crisis that you experienced that's worsened by the fact that it takes place somewhat far in terms of time elapsed from a serious hospital. Give us the general outline of what happened to you.

• 12:21Speaker 01

  Sure. Yeah, so it was June of 2020 and I've taken my family, my wife and I have taken our little girls who were at that point like three months old, six months old and three years old. Taking them out of New York City, we own a property in Massachusetts. It's deep in the woods at the end of a dead end dirt road. There, there's no cell phone coverage there. When it rains, the landlines go out because they're old. It's basically paradise, right? And in its remoteness and its beauty and which is great until you have a health crisis, right? So I, you know, I never, I mean, I'm a lifelong athlete. I'm

• 13:02Speaker 01

  not a walking heart attack. I was a really good long distance runner when I was young and carried that foundation of health my whole life. So I never, it occurred to me that I would ever go to the ER for anything except a car accident or a chainsaw accident. And just as sort of background. So in mid sentence, we had a little bit of babysitting from some teenage girls who lived up the road a ways and, you know, which was rare during COVID. So the girls came over and my wife and I went out to this cabin that I built even deeper in the woods, like completely off the grid, like no electricity, just kerosene lamps and a wood stove. And we went out there just to sort of relax a bit. And in mid sentence,

• 13:47Speaker 01

  while we're out there just enjoying this beautiful place of tranquility and peace and connection.

• 13:54Speaker 01

  In mid-sentence, I felt this sort of jolt of pain in my abdomen. And I was like, oh, what was that? And I thought it was some crazy indigestion. And I sort of stood up to breathe and walk it out, and I almost fell over. What I didn't know, obviously, is that I had an undiagnosed aneurysm in my pancreatic artery. It's a very rare condition. An aneurysm is an unnatural ballooning of the artery wall. Again, this isn't heart attack territory. It's not arteries filled with cholesterol, you know, whatever fat, whatever it is, whatever clogs arteries, I can't remember the word. Plaque. Plaque, that's it, plaque. Thank you. It was a structural problem.

• 14:39Speaker 01

  And aneurysms continue for, can grow for years, decades, undetectable, unnoticed. And then when they rupture, you are bleeding out into your own abdomen. You are bleeding out just as much as if someone stabbed you in the abdomen and severed an artery. Except it's into your own artery, so you don't know what's happening. There's no blood on the kitchen floor, right? And, you know, within a minute, I was too lightheaded to keep my feet. My blood pressure was plummeting. I was losing a pint of blood every, you know, 10 or 15 minutes into my own abdomen. And you can, you know, you can, there's 10 pints of blood in the human body, you can lose about half of them before you die.

• 15:22Speaker 01

  And I lived, we lived an hour from the nearest hospital, which was a little regional hospital. So I was literally a human hourglass. And they, we went, my wife, I couldn't walk, my wife literally dragged me out of the woods and put me in the passenger seat of the car in the driveway. And I was going in and out of consciousness, and every time... I lost consciousness. She thought, that's it, he's not coming back. And terrible experience for her. I had no idea I was dying. I didn't even know I was losing consciousness. I was syncope. And someone who's syncope, in and out of consciousness, they don't know, it's seamless for them. They don't know they're losing consciousness, right? And, and then

• 16:05Speaker 01

  I knew something was really bad, because the sky, the sky turned blinding whites, and everything turned whites. And there's this awful whiteness, just eclipsed everything, and I was blind. Another symptom of blood loss. So, at any rate, they got me to the hospital, just in time. I was in end stage hemorrhagic shock. I'd lost half of my blood, two thirds of my blood. I was in conditions that for most people are not survivable. Particularly at my age, I was in my late 50s. But I'm, I have an athlete's heart, my heart kept slugging away in my chest. I gave the doctor something to work with, and, and they, they, I got, they brought me into the ER and started trying to save

• 16:50Speaker 01

  my life.

• 16:51Speaker 00

  I like when the nurse says to you, can you open your eyes, Mr. Younger? And you did. And you were puzzled. And she said, we want to make sure you're still with us. And you realize, uh oh.

• 17:05Speaker 01

  Yeah. Well, that was a little later in the evening, actually. Yeah, it was at night. It was a little later in the process. You know, when they brought me into the ER, they put me in a trauma bay. The doctors immediately knew what was going on. The medics in the ambulance didn't immediately knew what was going on. They started to transfuse me to, with a large, a large gauge needle through my neck into my jugular, to give me blood, right? Blood keeps you alive. The blood of other people, right? So here's my brief pitch. Please donate blood. Right? I'm alive because 10 people donated blood. You will keep alive someone's father, someone's daughter, someone's spouse. It's very important. At any rate, they were working on me, and I was in incredible pain. And the first extraordinary thing that happened was a nurse came, they couldn't give me sedatives. My blood pressure

• 17:50Speaker 01

  was 60 over 40, right? I mean, I was, I was running on fumes. I was 10 minutes from dead, right? It was incredible pain and from all the blood in my abdomen. This nurse came up to me and said, held my hand and said, he said, she said, look at me and breathe with me, I'm here. And, and I did, and magically the pain went away. My mind, I'm like, that's not going to work. That's some 1960s Lamaze stuff. Like, I want some drugs, right? It worked. And that human connection, literally, I believe, helped save my life, along with incredible doctors. But it was absolutely crucial. Doctors don't have time to hold your hand, right? Like, it falls on someone else and thank God, thank God for them.

• 18:30Speaker 01

  But, so they started working on my neck and, let me just say briefly, I'm an atheist. My father was an atheist and a physicist. He's dead. He was atheist and a physicist. And, which is like atheist squared, right? And, so I'm lying there, I have no idea I'm dying, absolutely none. I'm in for belly pain, I'm very confused. And under me, the universe sort of cracks open. It's this like infinite darkness and I'm getting pulled into it. And I'm terrified of this infinitely black pit, basically. I don't know I'm dying, but I know I don't want to go in there. I'm terrified of it.

• 19:11Speaker 01

  And, and then suddenly, my dead father appears above me to my left, on the ceiling, I mean, on the ceiling, just above me. And he's there in his sort of essence, this sort of energy form, it's my father. He's right there. I'm shocked, right? And, and basically, he communicates to me, look, you don't have to fight it, it's okay. You can come with me, I'll take care of you. You don't have to hang on, you're good. Come with me, right? I was horrified, I was like, go with you, you're dead. The party's over here. Like, get out of here, we'll talk a lot later, right? And so I said to the doctor, because I'm still conscious, I'm still conversant, right? When I had this vision. So I said to the doctor, you gotta hurry, I'm going.

• 19:56Speaker 01

  I'm going away and I didn't know where I was going, but I knew I wasn't coming back from there. Right. And, um, and then much, much later, they transfused me, they got me into the interventional radiology suite, which is basically you lie on a something called a fluoroscope. It's like an X-ray machine, but it takes video. So they can X-ray you in real time. They put fluorescent dye in your veins. They can see which tube is leaking inside your body. They can see where the catheter is going as they thread it through your vasculature to get the catheter to the, the rupture and they embolize it, they plug it and save your life. You know, that's, it's like, that's what happens there. And while I'm, while I'm there, they work and work and work on me for hours and they

• 20:37Speaker 01

  can't get the catheter to the rupture. And, um, and I'm in incredible pain and I'm confused and I am having hallucinations and I'm, um, and I see monsters everywhere, very, very frightening monsters in the machinery. And, um, the, uh, and at one point, the doctor, I watched the doctor shrug his shoulders and say, oh, well, we tried, like, there's nothing more we can do. And that was the first time, you know, usually you're sedated for moments like this. Yeah. I couldn't be sedated, right? Very, very lightly. That was, that was the moment that I realized, oh my God, I might die. Like I might not make it home. And that was

• 21:18Speaker 01

  a moment of devastating loneliness and isolation. And that's again, where this nurse appeared and said, keep your eyes open. So we know you're still here. I'm with you. I'll go, we're going through this together. Just extraordinary, extraordinary experience for me.

• 21:34Speaker 00

  And

• 21:39Speaker 00

  I want to just say as an aside, that most people review this book very well, very favorably at Amazon, but a couple of people, and I mean, a couple give it low scores because there's so much medical detail, some of which we just, we just got. And it, it's really a tremendous actual narrative, uh, device because you alternate between it as the narrator of the book, looking back on this episode. With a very cold, clinical eye about what's happening, and it makes the emotional intensity of it that much more powerful. So I just want to voice that disagreement with that reviewer. It really makes the book quite extraordinary. And you had to, of

• 22:22Speaker 00

  course, recreate this. You weren't taking notes and as the journalist, you recreated it through the notes that the doctors have to take in these, or the reconstruction the doctors have after these kind of events and through interviewing them. So all the detail that you're giving us, and it's quite spectacular. And the writing is just amazing. Makes it that much more powerful. So before we go any further, talk a little bit about your father, because he, besides this unimaginable, literally, moment of somehow confronting him,

• 23:03Speaker 00

  and we'll talk in a little bit about what you had to do to deal with that. I would just, spoiler alert, Sebastian, you said you are an atheist. You did not say you were an atheist. So while this was a startling event, and it had an impact on you, it didn't have the impact that some people might imagine. But my point is, is that your father is one of the doctors and your wife, the other main character of this book. Talk about it for a little, talk about him a little bit.

• 23:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, so he was a product of a mixed marriage. His mom was an Austrian Catholic, and she married a Sephardic Jew, an Ashkenazi Jew, who grew up partly in Spain, spoke fluent Spanish, and was a journalist. And he was posted to Dresden when they met. They met at a dinner party in Salzburg. And they fell in love with each other immediately. They're very, both very smart, good-looking, charming people, and they fell in love and got married extremely quickly, as people did back, you know, back in the day, right, 1900. And so...

• 24:17Speaker 01

  And they moved to Dresden and 10 years later, the Reichstag fire in 1933, things started to get ugly. He took his family out of, so my father grew up speaking Spanish and German, took his family out, went to Germany, uh, and were there until the fascists came in 36, they left, they went to Paris. Uh, they were there until the fascists arrived a few years later in the form of the Nazis and they went to Portugal and then eventually the United States where he met my mother and fell in love and had a family. So, as he liked to say, because of the fascists, he got married and had a family and speaks five languages

• 25:01Speaker 01

  fluently because they just kept learning everything, every country he passed through, he learned the language. And he became a physicist. He was, he was a very, very, very smart man. Um, extraordinary mind and extraordinarily limited in, in some important ways as well. And he, I now realize he was what we would now call on the spectrum, like very, very clearly on the spectrum, a very, very sweet man and, um, and, and, and oblivious and, and hard to connect to emotionally and, and somewhat childlike in his emotions and his feelings, but a brilliant physicist. And, um, so, um, you know, we had a complicated

• 25:41Speaker 01

  relationship, but I loved him and he, um, he died, I, holding my hand, talking to his dead sister who was in the room, right? I mean, that, I mean, clearly to him, she was in the room. It was my first experience with this sort of odd phenomenon, that dying people see the dead, that the dead show up to receive the dying. And I didn't know anything about it. I was like, wow, it's so strange. Like he's quite convinced she's here, you know, like I'm a total rationalist, right? Like I've got no time for any of that nonsense.

• 26:09Speaker 00

  As was he.

• 26:11Speaker 01

  As was he, yes. No time for any of that nonsense, right? And, um, but, you know, we can get to this if you like, but, but there's a quite a lot of, you know, quite a lot of evidence, there's quite a lot of testimony, thousands and thousands of people and hospice nurses and doctors, like who, you know, the dead showing up in the rooms of the dying is a well, well-known thing and it's been going on forever. So make what you will of it. I try to make sense of it in my little book. Um, but, um, so he, I'll just end, I'll end with this. Him showing up for me, as mortified as I was, right? I didn't know I was dying. I certainly didn't want to die. Well, I wasn't going to go willingly, right?

• 26:52Speaker 01

  It was the, in some ways, the closest connection I've ever had with him. He was not an easy man to connect with emotionally. Intellectually, yes, not emotionally. He was there for me completely when I needed him most. A just a beautiful, big-hearted father who was going to take care of his son, his 58-year-old son. And, you know, I have to say, it in some ways changed my relationship, my internal relationship with him.

• 27:21Speaker 00

  Yeah. Sure. And you write about it, like movingly, on the book. It's amazing.

• 27:27Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 27:29Speaker 00

  Now, some people, when they see something they can't explain, and this issue of near-death experiences and testimony, you know, I'm, I'm a mystical rationalist, which is an oxymoron. I'm very open to the mystical side of things, but I'm also very much an analytical and rational person. So when people tell me about these testimonies, there's a lot of explanations for those that are not, that don't, it doesn't, you don't have to believe in God. You don't have to believe in an afterlife. You don't have to believe in, that this reality we live in is somehow not the real thing. But I'm open to those possibilities, is how I would describe it, which is why I, I like and enjoy very much being a religious person.

• 28:13Speaker 00

  For me, it's my way of connecting to the ineffable, the mysterious things we don't completely understand. And I think I've probably referred to it before, but, you know, the movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind, when Richard Dreyfuss has a vision, which is implanted in his brain by aliens to come to a mountain that looks a certain way. And we see him, it's incredibly, unbelievably poignant for me. He's, he's making, he's a dinner and he's, he's, he's making a mountain. Unconsciously, he's forming a mountain with his hands, or with his knife and fork, a mountain of mashed potatoes that looks like what he's been told he needs to find,

• 28:58Speaker 00

  this vision.

• 28:59Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 29:00Speaker 00

  And his family, all of a sudden, he stops in the middle of it because he looks around and he realizes everyone's looking at him like he's crazy. And when we see things we can't explain, we call that crazy. That's the word we literally use for it. It's crazy that your father would show up, and so you're forced to confront it. And some people, you know, Richard Dreyfuss in the movie is bewitched, or whatever you want to call it, possessed, obsessed, and everyone around him sees him as a tragic lunatic and who needs help. You had to confront something similar. You saw something that is at odds with your worldview.

• 29:45Speaker 00

  You could easily, and it may be true, attribute it to stress, well, you called it a minute ago, when talking about other people, hallucination, which is just a fancy word we use for your brain doing things that don't seem plausible. But you decided, you didn't dismiss it. You embarked on a journey of exploration, both of the near-death experience, but also something which I found magnificent in the book, what we understand about reality, about the creation of the universe, the physics that your father, of course, was involved in, and that your relatives, or friends of your relatives, had spent their lives on.

• 30:30Speaker 00

  And so the book becomes a beautiful investigative journalism, you could call it, which kind of understates what it is. It's something magnificent. And what do you find?

• 30:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, so first of all, I say in the book, the problem with...

• 30:53Speaker 01

  Being a rationalist, and rationality is an enormously powerful tool, right?

• 30:58Speaker 00

  Phenomenal.

• 30:59Speaker 01

  Right, I mean, we, we, there, planes stay aloft because of the rational process, right? Medicine exists, you know, everything exists because of a rational thought process. And so, don't dismiss it. But, the problem with rationality, as I say in the book, is that things keep happening that don't make any sense, right? So, the sort of line between a visionary seeing the truth and a crazy person is very, very thin, always has been. The, the, the great prophets, right, of, of religion are very, very close to just being schizophrenics, right? And maybe there's some overlap once in a while. So, if, if someone came to you and said, "This is the deal.

• 31:41Speaker 01

  The universe is 93 billion light-years across. It came from nothing to everything in an amount of time that's too small to measure." And we now live in a situation where mineral dust can organize itself in such a way that it's self-aware, can think about itself, humans and probably other, other beings on other planets. And, and not only that, when you're smart enough, when the human race is smart enough to look at the quantum level, in other words, the subatomic level, what it finds is this weird, apparent contradiction that particles at the subatomic level, if you observe them,

• 32:25Speaker 01

  if there's a conscious observer, they can only be in one place at one time. If you don't observe them, they are in all places at one time. The observer, act of observation at the quantum level creates the reality that it is observing. Now, if a person on, was, was saying all this on a street corner...

• 32:51Speaker 01

  Right, into a megaphone, you'd be like, "Well,

• 32:55Speaker 01

  where's social services? He's clearly insane." Right? That is what, exactly what physicists have found. And interestingly, the physicists, supremely rational men and women, have concluded that, you know, there is a possible, there's a many odd possibilities, one of which is that consciousness is a universal quality like the force of gravity. And it actually, it's a universal quality that is part of the physical universe and gives it form, that creates the universe that we ourselves see, right? And these are rational people suggesting this because I, they seem to be at their wits' end to explain these contradictions that we know we can prove exist.

• 33:40Speaker 01

  As Sir Arthur Eddington, a great physicist of about 100 years ago, as he said,

• 33:47Speaker 01

  "Something that we don't understand is doing we-know-not-what." And that was his ultimate pronouncement about the state of human knowledge.

• 33:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, I, I mean, there's so many beautiful, mystical, rational, irrational things. The singularity that the universe started in a space with no volume and expanded instantly into, into the world that we, that we're part of now is implausible. What, I mean, it does, you have to, now, what you do with that is, we all have different ways of dealing with it, but there's something, the universe should fill one with awe, I believe. And we'll talk about that a little more, more in a minute.

• 34:41Speaker 00

  But you also explore, one last thing, I would just say that, you know, I find it extraordinarily beautiful and fascinating that the one thing we have a very limited understanding of the physical world about is our consciousness, which is the thing we used to...

• 35:01Speaker 00

  Absorb and master the physical world. That's, that's too weird. But those things filled me with awe. And you also explore the near-death experience literature. And we've had guests on the program talk about that before. People are, many, many people are extremely convinced by it, as they would be because they're believers. Many people are very skeptical about it because they're not. I assume there are some people who've become believers from it, but not everybody because it's imperfect. It's not open and shut.

• 35:39Speaker 01

  Yeah. So, so the three, sort of three groups of criticisms of the book, which was really well received, but the, of the sort of reader reviewers, some people are upset that I'm still an atheist.

• 35:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, come on. God gave you a miracle. Your father came to you and you still don't fill in the blank. But the fill in the blank is part of the problem because he didn't tell you which religion you're supposed to follow now. But, okay.

• 36:08Speaker 01

  Yeah. And also, you know, what I say in my, in my, you know, quote, defense is, look, if I saw my dad, if I'd seen God, I might, you might have an argument to make. But I saw my father. Yeah. Right. And another criticism, it's really a disappointment that I just didn't come out and say, great news, everybody, there's an afterlife. I'm here to tell you, don't worry about dying because we're just going to keep on going, just as we were with our loved ones. And, you know, that there's, there's no responsible way scientifically or journalistically to make that assertion. Right. It just, you cannot do it. It's an act of faith, not an act of rationality. And I was looking for answers. Right. And

• 36:49Speaker 01

  there are two sort of main groupings in my mind of things that need to be talked about. There are, there are stories and there are explanations. And the stories are crucial to our psychological survival. Right. And they often involve God. And, you know, I have children and I now understand why people believe in heaven because God forbid something happens to your child, you need to feel that they're going someplace good. I, as a father, I get it. Right. Those are stories. Explanations explain how the world works. Right. And, and you can tell the difference because explanations can be tested. You don't want to test the stories because you embarrass them. You need them. Right.

• 37:29Speaker 01

  The explanations have to be tested because if the explanation for why airplanes fly, if that explanation has holes in it, people are gonna die, right? So, so what I was trying to do was explain, not come up with a story about my father's appearance above me in the hospital, but explain what it was I was seeing. And so, yes, there's a near-death experience is a sort of NDEs is sort of a now common term. They're very, very, they're very common. There's thousands of testimonies about it, all very, very similar. And if you look into the literature, there are two, of course, there's two camps, right? There's the believers and there's the rationalists. And the rationalists have always been my baseball team.

• 38:13Speaker 01

  I like watching them defeat the, defeat the other team over and over and over again, right? It's one of my most pleasurable experiences, watching that process, right? But here's the thing. So the rationalists convincingly explained to me, and I read all the papers, that a lot of, a lot of the visions that people have, a lot of the experiences, this sort of hovering above the body, this is, those can be explained through neurological processes, neurochemicals, stressing the dying, the stress on the dying brain, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

• 38:45Speaker 01

  Except for one thing, and I'm continuing to be a rationalist here, right? Because if you're a rationalist, a proper rationalist, you will apply rationality even to the rational process, right? I mean, you are skeptical of everything and you even inquire into your own skepticism, skeptically, right? You really must. So the thing that doesn't quite work for me, yes, if you give a roomful of people LSD, they will all hallucinate. We know how that works. If you, when people die, they have low, low blood oxygen, et cetera, et cetera. It stresses the brain. They may see things. They may have a hovering feeling about the out-of-body experience. All these things can be explained. They put pilots in the centrifuge, human centrifuges, fighter pilots, to see when they'll,

• 39:27Speaker 01

  how many Gs will make them, forces of gravity will make them pass out. They have out-of-body experiences. We can reproduce all of these things, right? What does not make sense, what does not happen in the roomful of people who have just taken LSD. Is that they all have the same vision, right? Not the same experience like hovering above your body. They see the dead, right? They don't see fire, fire trucks and flamingos and swimming pools. They see the dead, right? And sometimes there are cases, multiple cases of dying people seeing someone show up in their room who they didn't know had died. Like, what's David doing here?

• 40:10Speaker 01

  And they didn't know he had died and there he is and no one else can see him, right? So is that probative? No, but it certainly arouses some questions in me. So what, the sort of where I came with this is that, not that there's a God, you can have an afterlife and no God, or a God and no afterlife. They are not necessarily paired, right? They don't need each other, right? People just assume they go together, but, um, but it's possible, and again, I did read a lot of physics, that there is a post-death continuation of individual consciousness at the quantum level that we're incapable of understanding, right?

• 40:55Speaker 01

  It's, it, it, we, we, our brains are for the macroscopic world, where they're not designed to understand the subatomic world. And at the quantum level, consciousness, which seems to affect everything in the universe, that that continues in some form and that some of these mysteries, like telepathy and people, the dying seeing the dead and ghosts and this and that, all, you know, sort of memories from former lives and all these sort of strange and in my opinion, sort of often flaky testimonies and experiences, it's possible that they actually are united under a, a very simple idea that, um, we do not ultimately understand the, the, the

• 41:37Speaker 01

  true nature of reality, of time, of life and of death. And that might explain some of these phenomena, and I'm totally open to it.

• 41:47Speaker 00

  And one of the strange things about...

• 41:51Speaker 00

  Losing a parent, I just lost my mom about two months ago, is of course you want to talk to them. Yeah, and you go to call them and you realize, oh, they're not, they're not home anymore.

• 42:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:05Speaker 00

  And for me, I wrote a eulogy for my mom and in the course of doing so, I got dramatically closer to her, which is interesting in and of itself. I'm, I'm performing the Jewish ritual of Kaddish, which is to three times a day, go to a service and say a prayer in Hebrew that, that we could spend a whole episode on that. We won't, but the point is, is that I feel close to her in a way, in some ways closer than I did when she was alive. And I think about her much more often, which is sad, but a reality and somewhat comforting. I'm curious, in studying the physics for this book,

• 42:51Speaker 00

  whether you got close to your father, especially given that experience that you had, given that he was a physicist, didn't have to be a physicist, he could have been anything. But you were doing, and I'm sure you wanted to talk to him.

• 43:06Speaker 01

  Oh, yes, I, you know.

• 43:07Speaker 00

  Maybe you did talk to him. I mean, I, a lot of my people I know, after they lose a loved one, one of my favorite moments of my life is when a widow came to me and said, you know, my friends say I should stop talking to my husband. And I said, well, often you talk to him. She said, well, every day. And I said, you should keep talking to him. I think, I don't agree with your friends. So I'm curious how that, if that affected you.

• 43:32Speaker 01

  Well, I'll tell you what, when I was recovering from, you know, I had half my blood in my abdomen. It takes a while to recover from that. Your body has to reabsorb it and you don't feel very well until it does. So I was spending my time with a little light reading about near-death experiences and, and I eventually wound up reading about physics, right? And I realized this is the path, you know, either you take the story path and go for the story of religion and God, which I wasn't going to do, or you take the explanation path and it ultimately, all explanations lie in, in, in physics.

• 44:05Speaker 01

  Um, so I'm reading these physics papers about quantum reality and all that stuff. And I remember thinking, God, Dad, if only you could hover above me again and just help me here. Cause I, I don't, this isn't making any sense.

• 44:18Speaker 00

  It's hard.

• 44:19Speaker 01

  Yeah. So I called up his colleague, two of his colleagues who I knew when he was alive. He was very close to them. I invited them over for lunch. I told them, I wanted to tell them what had happened. They were, they adored my father. Right. And I wanted to tell them what had happened and to get, and ask them, you know, what do you, what do you think my father would make of this? Right. And so we had a great conversation, but to keep in mind, they're physicists. They're extremely literal. Right. And um,

• 44:50Speaker 01

  so at one point I, I said, okay, so what are the odds that my father could wind up after he died, years after he died, hovering above me in a corner of the room? Like, what are the odds? I mean, there's odds for everything. What are the odds? Right? And it was sort of a rhetorical question, right? Forgive me. I'm just human. Right? But he took it, he took it literally. And he sort of Rudolph, Rudolph was his name, Rudolph. He sort of looked up and up like that and I could see him running the numbers. Right? He said, I would say the odds are about 10 to the minus 63.

• 45:31Speaker 01

  I was like, what? There's a number for this? Like, you kidding? It's like, there's a number for everything, right?

• 45:37Speaker 00

  It's a very small number.

• 45:38Speaker 01

  A very small number, but it's not infinitely small. It's not infinity, right?

• 45:42Speaker 00

  It's zero.

• 45:42Speaker 01

  Absolute zero, right? And so, um, he said, yeah, the, the, the molecules, the atoms that had once made up his body, they're still out there in the universe and sort of random ocean would have to place them. All coherently together in the corner of the room. Um, uh, for you to see him, it's not impossible. It's just unbelievably, so unlikely that it will probably never happen. I'm like, oh my God, that's the physicist's brain. Like that was the brain I was dealing with my whole childhood with my father. You ask a rhetorical question and he looks up at the ceiling and starts running numbers.

• 46:25Speaker 01

  Right. And, um, so, yeah, it, uh, it, that, that physics was a, a, a serious inquiry for me. And, and call me, recall me to, you know, my childhood when what he did for me was a sort of a kind of magic.

• 46:41Speaker 00

  I want to talk about death for a minute. You say something quite shocking, uh, which really pulls the reader up short. You say the following, finding yourself alive after almost dying is not as it turns out. The kind of party one might expect. You realize that you weren't returned to life. You were just introduced to death. And in the book you write, I had to quote you, in the book you write about some of the emotional challenges of, of coming back. And of course you write a little bit about your wife's challenges, who, who not only had to drive you, which is unimaginable as you're passing in and out of consciousness. That, that trip must've seemed, time must've been very relative, uh, in, in that, in that drive. And then she had to.

• 47:25Speaker 01

  She actually called an ambulance, uh, so.

• 47:28Speaker 00

  Oh, right. But then she's got to drive.

• 47:29Speaker 01

  She called, she, she called an ambulance. Yeah.

• 47:32Speaker 00

  Um, but as she's driving, it must've been very hard. And she's in the hospital while you're of course trying to say, fight for your life. And so she's had, I'm sure some challenges dealing with your challenges. But you write about how, uh, it wasn't what one might expect, which is, oh, you've got a new lease of life and everything's more meaningful now because you realize life is finite. That was not your first reaction.

• 48:00Speaker 01

  No, I mean, I didn't, I kind of knew life was finite. What I didn't realize is that you could be dead by dinner.

• 48:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:06Speaker 01

  Without being in a war zone or without driving and being in good health. I had no idea that the world worked that way, right? And, um, and that's terrifying, but as I say in the book, the flip side of terror is reverence. And if you do understand that life really is that, um, uh, temporary, moment by moment, it makes the moment you're in inflate, like the universe inflated in the big bag. It inflates in meaning to encompass everything, right? That's all you get is this moment, and it now encompasses everything. And it's simply a matter of keeping that foremost in mind while you go through the travails

• 48:48Speaker 01

  and tribulations of your life, right, which have to be dealt with.

• 48:52Speaker 00

  Piece of cake.

• 48:54Speaker 01

  Piece of cake. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

• 48:56Speaker 00

  No, that's, um, obviously, it's, uh, many religions try to instill that, that sense of reverence. Here's, here's the quote. It was the thing I was gonna ask you about next. You just quoted it, um, without me asking. Quote, "The flip side of terror is reverence. If you're not sufficiently reverent, you're not sufficiently terrified, and vice versa. My appreciation for the current moment rose to such levels, it could almost be paralyzing. There was virtually no activity that couldn't come grinding to a halt because I realized all over again, how unlikely the whole thing was. Why wasn't everyone crying all the time over this? I thought, have you seen the trees, really seen them, or the clouds? By the way,

• 49:41Speaker 00

  water droplets form digital patterns on the porch screen after it rains. Religious people understand life is a miracle, but you don't need to sub it out to God to be rendered almost mute with wonder. Just stand on a street corner and look around for a while." Close quote. Really beautiful. Um.

• 49:59Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 50:00Speaker 00

  Are you still reverent, mostly, or terrified, or both, or?

• 50:05Speaker 01

  I have easier.

• 50:06Speaker 00

  It's been six years.

• 50:07Speaker 01

  Yeah. I have easier access to reverence. I mean, you can't entirely live in that place because, uh, there are tasks that need to be done where you have to focus on, um, a lot of mundane details. And, and I have young children, you know, whatever, like, you can't. You can't stay in that place constantly, but if you can't access it, you're really, you're not, you're not living. And if you allow yourself to be overwhelmed by frustration and anger and emotions like that, really overwhelmed by them, they are eclipsing the miracle of the fact that you're alive. Right? That you exist, that you can hold your children, that you can see a tree. You know, it's like, it's all, it starts to sound very trite, but it's, you know, it's quite true.

• 50:50Speaker 01

  I'll say, this makes me think of something that happened when I woke up in the ICU. So they eventually, after the doctors gave up, they tried another approach. It worked. They saved my life. And the next thing I knew, I was in the, it was morning in the ICU and I woke up to the sound of nurses talking about me, ICU nurse, two ICU nurses. And, and my eyes opened and, and one of them said, congratulations, Mr. Younger, you made it. Like, we almost lost you last night. In fact, it's kind of a miracle. No one can believe you're alive. And indeed, I'd survived something that where the survival, odds of survival are incredibly small. Right? And I was shocked. I had no idea.

• 51:31Speaker 01

  And then immediately, I remember seeing my father, my dead father, and the black pit. Right? And then the nurse walked away and she came back an hour later. I've just, I'm just lying there. I'm throwing up blood. I got tubes sticking out all over me. I'm in pain. I'm thinking about this terrible thing. Right? And, and she comes back and says, hey, how are you doing? And I said, well, not that great. What you told me is terrifying and I can't stop thinking about it. And, and she said, try this, instead of thinking about it like something scary, try thinking about it like something sacred. And she walked away. So in my mind, as, as a non-religious person, as a secular person, the word sacred is a beautiful word. It's a necessary word.

• 52:16Speaker 01

  And I hold it to mean any process, any information, anything that protects, upholds human dignity. That's what sacred means. So sometimes school teachers are performing, doing sacred work. Sometimes shrinks are, sometimes doctors, sometimes ministers. Right? Like, we are, we are all capable of sacred work by my, by my definition of the word. So as a journalist, I've gone to front lines over and over again and came back with information about what's happening in Afghanistan, or Sierra Leone, or whatever it may be, now Liberia, Gaza, et cetera, Iran, like, information that's sacred because it will help the world, it may help the world make wiser choices and protect human dignity. Without that,

• 53:00Speaker 01

  wherever you fall politically, it doesn't matter to me. Without that information, no good choices are possible. So journalists, on their best day, are potentially doing sacred work, in the sense that I mean it. So my question to myself was, I just went to the ultimate frontline. I almost died. I looked over the edge and was allowed to return to life. Did I come back with sacred information? In other words, with information that might help others face their own mortality with more dignity, with more love, with less fear. Did I? Yes or no? And that was the challenge I gave myself in writing my book, which took me two years to start, because I was so avoidant. I'd been so traumatized by this. I was so avoidant of the topic. I just really couldn't bear for a while. And

• 53:45Speaker 01

  one of the odd things about almost dying, and it's very common, I didn't know this, is that often people who almost died, whether it was a medical emergency, or a car accident, or what have you, often they're seized with the terror that they actually did die. And they just don't realize it. And that they're in a kind of dying hallucination. And they are the only ones who don't know. And there's an amazing movie from 30 years ago called Jacob's Ladder, about a Vietnam, a soldier in Vietnam, who thinks he's returning home to his girlfriend, et cetera. He's actually dying in the battlefield, and he doesn't know it. And his flashbacks to the battlefield are actually, what's actually happening and

• 54:27Speaker 01

  everything else, is the fantasy, right? The hallucination. Devastating idea. So apparently, that's really common. It's an effect of trauma. And so I got very crazy, right? I became the most neurotic person I'd ever met. I got very depressed, very anxious. After I came home from the hospital, I couldn't be alone. I was agoraphobic. I mean, I was really a mess, way more so than combat had ever, ever done to me. And at one point, I went up to my wife. And I said, listen, can you just tell me you see me and that I'm here and that I made it and then like just can you just tell me? And she, I mean, no, no, no one wants to hear that from their spouse, right? Like that question, a bad sign, right?

• 55:09Speaker 01

  And, uh, and she said, yes, of course you're here, I, you know, et cetera, et cetera. And in my mind, I'm like, yeah, that's exactly the kind of thing a hallucination would say, right? So it still didn't, uh, it's a very, actually a profound philosophical question. How do you know that you're here? And finally, I'll, I'll end with this, but I think it's a good, a good point to make along these lines. She, my wife said to me this amazing thing. She said, Sebastian, do you feel lucky or unlucky that this happened to you? I mean, not that you survived, but that it happened at all. Like if you could push a button and have it not happen, would you, would you push the button? Boy, I didn't know what to say because on the one hand, I felt really like this was the most terrible thing that I'd ever experienced. On the other hand, I was privileged. I was special.

• 55:52Speaker 01

  I got to look over the edge and then come back, right? And I was sort of chosen to see the truth. I, I phrased it even in grandiose terms to myself about what had happened to me, right? And, uh, I didn't know what to say. I didn't know, I didn't have an answer. And then eventually I looked up the word, I, I thought, okay, in sort of more mythic terms, she's saying, am I blessed or cursed? Right? So I looked up the word blessing. Curious, right? What, what the origin was. And it's related, it's just, it's from the Anglo-Saxon word, blezian, which means blood. And the idea is that there is no blessing without a wounding, right?

• 56:35Speaker 01

  There is no, no blessing without some kind of cost, some kind of consequence, without some kind of diminishment and, and that they're, they're twins and that you actually, you really can't have one without the other. And of course, life is both, right? Life is painful and horrible, but, and a miracle, all at the same time, it's a blessing and a curse. And, uh, once I saw it like that, it kind of released me from this sort of moral paralysis about, you know, who was I and what was happening to me?

• 57:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, I have in my notes, it's funny you came to this point, I have in my notes a line from the comedian Jimmy Carr, who a philosopher, a friend of mine thinks is a great philosopher. And Jimmy Carr says, "You can't have an easy life and a great character." You have a choice. You can have character, you can grow into something deep and meaningful, or you can have an easy life. But if you have an easy life, you're probably not going to build the inner connections that it takes to have what we call character, or meaning, or all kinds of other things we might tie to suffering.

• 57:54Speaker 00

  And sacredness is one of those things. It's funny, because I was going to ask you, I was going to ask you this question earlier in the interview. All the dangerous places you put yourself in your career as a journalist, you could ask, you know, the same question. You chose to live a life, most of your life, to build who you become, who you've become, a very serious person who experienced things that most of us don't experience. So you've lived your life, in many ways, this goes back to your father and your understanding that came years later, but in many ways, you have your life because of your childhood

• 58:39Speaker 00

  and your father's life, and your parents' and grandparents' life experiences, you wanted a taste of, they had a lot of character. They saw a lot of life, and they suffered a great deal, and they had a lot of terror and fear and hardship. But they were human beings of great character, I suspect. And you forged a similar experience for your own life. And this is just another chapter.

• 59:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, thank you. Thank you very much for that. And I am sort of conscious of having been extraordinarily lucky in the circumstances that I was born into and grew up in. Having been in many wars, the idea that, you know, I had a childhood where I didn't have any reasonable fear for my safety, for my life, no reasonable concern that there'd be food for dinner, that I might not be able to grow, you know, grow up in the house we were living in, that we have to move as refugees. Like, I was so lucky that those thoughts weren't even in my mind, right, as possibilities. And as I got older, I wouldn't say I felt guilty about those

• 59:51Speaker 01

  good circumstances, but it did make me think that something was left undeveloped in me, and something human, something essentially human, was left undeveloped in me because I, because I never had to worry about, like, what was gonna happen to me. I mean, when, when, when have humans ever had that luxury?

• 1:00:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:13Speaker 01

  Right? I mean, that's just, it just started, look, they only invented antibiotics a few decades ago, right? Like, when my father was born, you know, infection could have easily killed him because they didn't have antibiotics, like now, like, so even within my lifetime, there are things that protect people from, as doctors say, bad outcomes, unimaginable to even, you know, our grandparents. And so that precipitated in me a desire, I'm gonna say test myself, it's not quite the right word, but to not, not prioritize safety and convenience and comfort in the decisions that I make in my life. I wanted to prioritize

• 1:00:56Speaker 01

  experiences and challenges and human connection. I wanted to be in places where humans connect very immediate visceral way, often because they're in difficult circumstances and they have to connect in order to survive. And those situations, as stressful as they can be, for me, have also been the sort of food my soul has subsisted on, right, and made up for the sort of vacuum, the moral vacuum of a safe American suburb in the 1970s.

• 1:01:29Speaker 00

  I want to close with your experience of writing the book itself. Obviously, a book can be an escape, but it can also be the deepest dive into the things that you need to discover. I suspect it was a little bit of both for you. It was, I'm sure it was incredibly cathartic. It was powerful to go back and talk to those doctors. And your connection to them, which what's amazing is that you weren't really communicating with them, but you had a human experience of dignity with with their hands that is unparalleled in in human experience.

• 1:02:09Speaker 00

  It's only a few people have that curse and blessing of of that level of of gratitude and and being taken care of. It's an amazing thing. But I'm curious, just putting it all down on paper and then putting it in a book you can hold in your hand and now it's done. And and of course, I'm proud just knowing you, Sebastian, that I didn't write the book. So I can't imagine, you know, what it's like to write a book this good. I like my own books, but they're not like this. What's that? Try to put into words what it's like to have that experience of writing it and then just finishing it and saying, okay, I've chronicled this incredible chapter.

• 1:02:56Speaker 01

  Well, you know, it's like one's children, like you sort of love them equally, but in different ways. All my books, I love equally, but in different ways. And in this, this book was particularly meaningful because I, you know, it was about me and it was about mortality. I mean, you know, I'd never really written about myself before. And as a journalist, that always seemed like unseemly, right? You might an occasional mention here and there, right? And a few references in my book, War. But yeah, this one felt different and it felt like it easily could be the book I end my career on. Like, how do you go beyond this one? Like, what are you gonna, the Great Railroad Disaster of 1883? You're like, where do you go from here? I didn't know. I don't, I still

• 1:03:40Speaker 01

  don't have an answer to that question. So, the experience of writing it, I just, I love my words, right? I love the process of arranging words in just the right way, so that they communicate essential information, sacred information, in a way that readers can't help themselves, they just want to keep reading. Like, that's my, that's my vision, that's my goal, right? And I love that process of doing that with words. I absolutely adore it. And, and that, and this book was that process, in some ways, times a thousand, because it was the most about, the most abstract ideas, the most elusive concepts, right? And could I keep it grounded in, you know, a reality that was compelling, even though we're talking

• 1:04:25Speaker 01

  about quantum physics, God help me, right? Like, and I feel like I did it. I flatter myself that I did it. Some people think it was too much science, but I think I would have lost them anyway. They said that about The Perfect Storm as well. Like, what's with all the physics of wave motion? Well, look, a hundred-foot wave sank the boat. You may want to know, you might want to know how that works, right? So, you're not gonna, you're not gonna please everybody. But, so, I, I finished it, and it was extremely emotional process. And, a lot of, you know, trauma comes with sorrow, and trauma comes with grief, and a loss of innocence, and pain. And, you know, I'm not embarrassed to admit, I, you

• 1:05:07Speaker 01

  know, I cried my way through any number of sections as I was writing it. And then, and then it stopped, and then I was sort of okay. And, you know, I was actually, under my wife, my poor wife, under her requests, she said, can you go talk to someone? You need some help. Like, and so I did. I found a counselor to talk to. Between writing the book and talking to a really good therapist, like, I actually got to a good place. But I gotta, I gotta tell you, it took a couple of years. It was way worse than combat, way worse, right? Life is terrifying when you really understand what life is. It's terrifying, and in equal measure, it's magical. That's the deal. It's the only deal you're ever gonna get.

• 1:05:48Speaker 00

  My guest today has been Sebastian Younger. His book is In My Time of Dying. Sebastian, thanks for being part of Econ Talk.

• 1:05:56Speaker 01

  My pleasure. I really enjoyed it. Thank you.

• 1:06:06Speaker 00

  This is Econ Talk, part of the Library of Economics and Liberty. For more Econ Talk, go to EconTalk.org, where you can also comment on today's podcast and find links and readings related to today's conversation. The sound engineer for Econ Talk is Rich Goyette. I'm your host, Russ Roberts. Thanks for listening. Talk to you on Monday.