Build Emotional Intimacy Without Losing Yourself with Adam Lane Smith

Can you be successful in every area of your life and still struggle to feel truly loved in your relationships? In this episode, I sit down with attachment specialist Adam Lane Smith to talk about how some high-achieving women learn to hide their needs, try to solve everything alone, and struggle to let others get close. Adam shares how to have the conversations you've been avoiding, express your needs without feeling guilty, and create more emotional safety with the people you love. He also breaks down the 3-date method for getting clear on compatibility before committing to someone. Tune in to learn how to start building relationships where you can feel seen, safe, and accepted. Check out our Sponsors: Shopify - Launch your business before Black Friday, go to http://shopify.com/happy to start your free trial. Monarch Money - Get your first year of Monarch Core for half off at http://Monarch.com with code EYH. Northwest Registered Agent - Visit http://northwestregisteredagent.com/EarnFree and start using free resources to build something amazing. Fabric - Join the thousands of parents who trust Fabric to help protect their family. Apply today in just minutes at http://meetfabric.com/EARN. Meetfabric.com/EARN. Quince - Find the fall pieces you’ll reach for most at Quince. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns and when Quince asked how you heard about them, let them know it was here on Earn Your Happy. Gloss Genius - Run a business that takes appointments? Use code HAPPY at https://glossgenius.com/earnyourhappy for 50% off your first two months of a premium plan. Faire - Sign up today and get 50% off your first wholesale order, up to $100 at http://faire.com/happy50. Terms may apply. Life at the Speed of Play - Go to http://getmarksbook.com/earn to get two copies for the price of one—one for you and one for a friend. HIGHLIGHTS 00:00 Why are high-achieving women often hard to love? 04:45 What led you to make attachment and relationships your life's work? 07:30 Why being successful at work doesn't always translate to intimacy at home. 09:30 How childhood experiences can teach you to solve problems alone. 12:00 How to ask your partner for what helps you feel loved and safe. 15:15 Adam's approach to managing fear before opening up to your partner. 21:45 How to choose the right time and prepare for an important relationship conversation. 24:00 The conversation formula that helps your partner understand what you need. 27:45 How sharing your needs and preferences can build intimacy. 29:45 Rebuilding emotional safety and connection in a relationship. 35:00 Practicing vulnerability even when rejection feels possible. 38:30 How to be clear about what you want in a relationship. 41:00 What to look for beyond chemistry when getting to know someone. 42:15 Can you talk about the hard things before building a future together? 48:00 Learning to hear your partner's feedback without immediately trying to fix things. 51:00 What a difficult conversation can teach you about trust and curiosity. 54:00 How to ask trusted people to help you see your blind spots. 58:45 The attachment pattern Adam identifies in some high-achieving women. 01:00:00 Ways to practice openness and connection in everyday life. RESOURCES Explore Adam Lane Smith’s attachment resources and coaching support HERE! Learn how to turn podcast guesting into massive sales, ⁠⁠save your spot for the free live training HERE⁠⁠! Make your own ⁠Million Dollar Media Kit HERE! Try glōci for 40% off your first order with code HAPPY at checkout - head to getgloci.com FOLLOW Follow me: @loriharder Follow Chris: @chriswharder Follow glōci: @getgloci Follow Adam: @attachmentadam

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Ready to launch your business before Black Friday? Go to Shopify.com/happy to start your free trial. Monarch Money, Monarch breaks the debt cycle, turning that endless gloom into a plan with an end date. Use code EYH at monarch.com to get your first year of Monarch Core half off at just $50. Northwest Registered Agent, Northwest gives you access to thousands of free guides, tools, and attorney drafted documents to help you run your business with confidence. Visit northwestregisteredagent.com/earnfree and start using free resources to build something amazing. Indeed, spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates

• 0:43Speaker 00

  who check all your boxes. They're giving Earn Your Happy a $75 sponsored job credit. Go to indeed.com/podcast right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Life at the speed of play. Mark is offering our listeners two books for the price of one. Go to getmarksbook.com/earn. Sequencing, sequencing.com is offering your listeners up to 10% off your full genome test plus free shipping. Go to sequencing.com and use promo code EARN for 10% off.

• 1:20Speaker 00

  Okay, whenever I'm traveling, I love to skip like the main mall of the town and I like to hunt down all of those little shops on the corner where the locals love to go where all the good stuff is. So candles made by local people, a sweatshirt with the town's name on it, hot sauce made 20 minutes away and the owner knows everybody's name. And I've also been on the other side of that shelf because I built a product from scratch and I'll never forget, the first independent store who believed in it enough to put it on their shelves. Big box stores sell stuff, but small shops tell a story about people. So if you own one of those shops, you need to know about FAIRE. FAIRE is a B2B marketplace that makes it easy

• 2:04Speaker 00

  for independent retailers to stock products from over 100,000 unique brands worldwide. It's perfect for planning your holiday inventory right now. Unique quality products are what get new customers through your door and keep your regulars coming back. Plus eligible retailers get 60 day interest free payment terms and free returns on your first order with every brand. So testing something new feels less risky. Sign up today and get 50% off your first wholesale order up to $100 at F A I R E.com/happy50. That's F A I R E.com/happy50. Terms may apply. We're almost so wired to almost deal with the pain of the avoidance rather than the confrontation of it.

• 2:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's better to be emotionally starving and get all the cancers, thyroid cancers, reproductive.

• 2:55Speaker 00

  We're used to it.

• 2:55Speaker 01

  Auto disorders. Yeah, that's better than telling my husband that I want a hug every morning before he goes to work. That's easier to just die. And that's the reality of most women is I will die. It's existential level dread. That's what most women are dealing with.

• 3:17Speaker 00

  Adam, welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for coming on.

• 3:20Speaker 01

  I'm glad to be here, Lori. Thank you.

• 3:22Speaker 00

  Okay, we're gonna discuss a topic that I feel spans pretty much every single one of my listeners, whether they are in a relationship, want to be in a relationship, have left a relationship. Life is truly relationships. And I think these dynamics that we're going to talk about, whether you're in a romantic relationship and friendship relationships, anything like that, I think this, you know, goes so much deeper than we even realize. And I'm really excited because it's one of my, it's one of my favorite topics and I always learn so much. So here we are.

• 3:54Speaker 01

  It's my favorite too. That's why we're here.

• 3:56Speaker 00

  Yes. Okay. Well, I have majority entrepreneurial go getter type of women. I run in a very, I would say high achieving friend group. And I can tell you now, after I, you know, I'm 45, a lot of my friends are either late 30s, 40s, 50s. We're kind of in a position now where some of my friends are divorced, some are married, but struggling in their marriage. Some are very, some are married in a really great marriage. And then I would say I have a really big number of, you know, either divorced or single friends right now who are really, really struggling with finding a relationship as a high achieving woman. And

• 4:41Speaker 00

  so I love, you know, some of the topics that you've been covering, but I would love to start with asking you, why are high achieving women actually the hardest people to love? And we'll also get into why, why you got into what you're doing. But what do you think that overarching theme is with that?

• 5:01Speaker 01

  I think they're the hardest to love because they hide their humanity from other people. They think that what they offer is feelings and services. They're going to make other people feel good. They make themselves invisible in their relationships by and large, and then they just try to make people happy. And what happens is the other person doesn't have someone to bond to. They have a concierge, they have a maid to bond to, but not a human being. Most women, what they need to do is bring their humanity back into their relationships. Most women who are high achieving, they're playing life on hard mode and they have been since childhood. It got them really far in entrepreneurial ship. It got them amazing and maybe financial success. All of those wonderful things does not work in romantic relationships and it will attract the wrong partners at the same time.

• 5:45Speaker 00

  Hmm. What would you say for the people who've been in relationships for a very long time? Like maybe before they even got into what they're doing now?

• 5:55Speaker 01

  So my biggest demographic I work with is people who have been in a 15 to 30 year marriage and it has felt very low emotional intimacy pretty much the whole time. They are struggling. Sometimes there's resentment, there's hurt, there's sadness. Nobody hates each other, but nobody feels much love or much intimacy or closeness. Sex drive has absolutely plateaued, dead bedroom, and she is desperately trying to figure out how, how do I get him to love me again? How do I get me to want him again? What's wrong with me? Why am I broken? Why do I always freeze up and can't think of the right words to say in conversations? Why do I only pick the wrong words to say that seem to drive him way further when I love him so much and I want this to work so hard? Most women are facing that. And as

• 6:40Speaker 01

  they get better and better, they invest that, that performance, the solo solving alone in her head, the anticipating what everyone else needs, the always bringing everything in so that no one can be offended, and the endless performance and service and perfectionism that, that serves her great at work and her career goes up and her romance goes colder and colder. Most women who feel like men are intimidated by them, it's often not that men are intimidated by them. It's usually that men don't know how to engage with them at all because she hasn't left any open doors for a man to connect with her. That's usually what I see.

• 7:17Speaker 00

  That's a big mic drop, door open that I would love to walk through in just a second. But what I would love to know is what brought you to this particular niche? You did say you work with people who are kind of in that, you said 15 to 30 year marriages. And I know that you are in a marriage yourself. What made this kind of the zone of genius for you? What brought you here?

• 7:41Speaker 01

  Great question. I grew up with attachment issues is what this is called. It is a inability to connect lovingly and peacefully with other people while feeling safe. You can't feel safe. So you learn to perform and get your needs met. You please people. I made myself invisible, like many of these women do. I made myself invisible. I spoke very little. I served. I made other people happy. A lot of people walked all over me. I wasn't, I wasn't making decisions from my ethics and my goals. I was thinking, how do I work around other people and make them like me so that I can feel okay? And that was how I went into my relationships. Now, when I turned 20, early on in the cycle, most people don't do this

• 8:22Speaker 01

  till they're 50, 60, 70. At 20, I said, I can't do this anymore. I just can't live like this anymore. Nothing would be worse than this. So I made myself do the opposite of all of that, which is not to get angry and mean and loud. And that's what a lot of the femininity gurus online will teach you. Embrace your goddess energy. Only you matter. That selfishness doesn't usually resonate for these women. It's, it's not who they are and it's never who they'll be. Instead, it's embracing being able to speak calmly to other people, to know that you will be safe no matter what, to filter out the people you can't trust and build right relationships correctly with them that are just based on who you actually are. So that at the end of the day, they know you, they love you and they accept you. Then

• 9:04Speaker 01

  you build all this bonding chemistry that keeps you safe and loved. I just saw a article this morning about gabapentin and how it's being massively over prescribed in the American population, especially among women, gabapentin.

• 9:17Speaker 01

  This is for anxiety. I'll just say, a large number of American women and Western world women are on anxiety medications. GABA, G A B A, is supposed to flow when you have high levels of oxytocin, the bonding hormone that you get from intimate, loving, safe connections. And most women today are performing endlessly, everywhere to try to get somebody, somewhere to give them enough love and acceptance to get oxytocin to make their GABA go up so they don't need antidepressants. They feel calmer and safer and loved every day, but they don't know how to give people real intimate access. Or I should say, not the right people, only the wrong people. That's what we're looking at. So what made this my zone of genius?

• 10:00Speaker 01

  I locked in, I had to. When I found that that was the answer to all the problems that hurt me, I go to the school to figure out how to help other people, to find what the name of it was, attachment theory, almost nobody was talking about it at the time. And I made it my entire life's work to do this. Now, my wife also, before we got married and had kids, she was a very hard worker, valedictorian through high school, got a full ride scholarship to Harvard Business, just astoundingly brilliant woman. And she opened, she ran her own business, she was a very successful entrepreneur, she sold it before we got having kids. Now we have six kids together, she's just brilliant, but she had, when we met, the very same problem that many of these women have. I've walked

• 10:44Speaker 01

  with her through that journey of learning to, learning that it's okay for her to be a human being. And in fact, I love her more for her humanity than I ever could have loved her for the services she was providing.

• 10:55Speaker 00

  Thank you so much for that. Now, let's go back to kind of what's underneath this, because it's really easy to, a lot of my friends and myself included, we're all deeply in personal development. And it's almost like you can personal development yourself to death. You could try to solve it on your own, but you can't necessarily see your own stuff. Even my husband and I are like, we're wanting to make sure that we're always good in our relationships. So we started couples therapy recently, and that's been so eye-opening and interesting, even though we've done so much personal development and coaching.

• 11:27Speaker 01

  It's a trap.

• 11:28Speaker 00

  It truly can be, like, you can also learn to argue with personal development. You can both kind of learn the back and forth. So I'm really curious, how do we figure out, you know, because right now, we could be looking at it and be going, all right, well, maybe these guys can't necessarily, like, they just don't know how to connect with successful women. And then it can feel like their fault, it can feel like our fault, we can try to change ourselves. And then all of a sudden, we're just all very confused and we're all self-diagnosing. So can we go to what you feel, or what you have learned is underneath just all of these different attachment styles and the problems that you continue to see with high achieving women?

• 12:10Speaker 01

  Hundred percent. I have three daughters myself. And here's what, most of the women who are listening to this right now, here's what you didn't get in childhood. When my three daughters look a little nervous, I go to them, I get down on one knee and I look at them and I put my arm and I hand on their shoulder, I say, sweetheart, you look a little nervous. Do you have a question you need to ask me? And they're trained and they think, and they think, oh, yeah. And then they ask me a question and I give them an answer and I say, now, do you feel better? Yeah, I do. And I've trained my three daughters to just start asking me questions more naturally. A lot of women, when they're little girls, they try to ask dad a question, or mom, and mom and dad go, oh, kid, come on, just enough with the questions. I don't have time for this. Stop. Can you go watch TV? Can you

• 12:54Speaker 01

  go on your tablet? Can you get away from me? Just another question. And they learn that no one wants to hear from them. When my daughters have problems, they come to me and say, Dad, how do I do this? Because I've trained them carefully. This is what I'm going to do. I'm going to show you how to do it. And then I let them do it. And I ask, do you need me to step in? And they say, yeah. And I say, ask me. And I train them to ask me to step in or give a solution or give advice. I have trained my daughters, when they are at weak moments and difficult moments and challenges, to be relational problem solvers. The problem is that many women have learned to become solo problem solvers, because they've learned

• 13:34Speaker 01

  in childhood, nobody cares. Nobody's going to help you. Do it yourself. And then, they do self-development for thirty, forty, fifty years. I have some women who've been in therapy for twenty years straight. More therapy, more podcasts. I love podcasts, listen, but, but podcasts don't solve it. They give you the tools that you go use. The application must be relational. And there's where I say self-development is often a death trap for people. Most of my clients come to me after three decades of self-development. It does almost nothing. It works on the prefrontal cortex, which goes offline when you get stressed out and reroutes to your limbic system, fight, flight, fawn, people pleasing, and freeze, shutting down. That's the problem. You're training the wrong side of your brain in

• 14:19Speaker 01

  self-development. Relational training must take place to resolve the amygdala, the limbic system, the fear systems, all of those as they're tied into relationships. Is that, is that helpful?

• 14:30Speaker 00

  Yes. But what does, so my question is, what does relational training look like? Give me a tactical, tell me, paint the picture of how this all works.

• 14:39Speaker 01

  Between maybe in a romantic relationship, you mean?

• 14:42Speaker 00

  Sure.

• 14:42Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm. Sure. If a woman comes to me and says, Adam, I am scared, I'm nervous, I don't know what my husband wants, I don't know how to please him, I'm afraid he's going to leave me, I wake up every day afraid I've done something wrong. And at the end of the day, he assures me he loves me and that feels okay, but then I'm still stressed out every day waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I say, have you ever sat down with your husband and explained this series of feelings? And they say, no, no, no, no, that would be too much. Have you ever sat down with your husband and had him outline explicitly what would make him actually stop wanting to be around you? What would you have to do so you could run a scan to see if you've done those things? No, no, I haven't. Okay. Have you ever sat with your husband and said, I feel loved and safe when you do these things for me?

• 15:26Speaker 01

  Can you do these things for me measurably? These are my targets. No, I haven't. Okay. Have you ever sat with your husband and said, how do you like this? How do you like your eggs cooked in the morning? How do you like sex on Saturdays? How do you like this? How do you like these things? So I can make sure I'm taking care of you. And do you want to know how I like things? And if he says, yeah, absolutely, most women are a black box, they won't share that. Here's how I like things. Can you also feel reassured? Then they grow in intimacy. Knowing, knowing each other builds that oxytocin, which releases GABA, which makes you calmer and safer. But knowing the parameters of a relationship helps you stop being afraid. Even just being able to share your imperfections instead of performing rewrites that childhood memory that says, if I share an inconvenient feeling, my husband

• 16:09Speaker 01

  will groan, sigh, roll his eyes, want me less, and walk out of the room. And when instead, he leans in and he says, no, tell me more. I actually do care about you. I want you to be okay. That's a mind-blowing experience. If you're not having the relational experiences, you're not rewiring those areas of the brain. The experiences on the outside are everything that counts. And you have to get the skills you need to build those. Does that work?

• 16:36Speaker 00

  Yes. Here is my question now, based off of that information. So for women who have, you know, there were things in my life that I've completely shut down for so many years that the thought of that, while it sounds amazing and like it will work, it also feels very scary. It's, it's knowing, or it's wanting to learn, how do we break that down in a way that feels like we can do it? So it's not so much information all at once, because I think a big fear that could come up for people is around, what if there's answers I don't want to hear? And so that's where potentially this avoidant experience comes from, is we're almost so wired to almost deal with the pain of the avoidance, rather than the confrontation of it.

• 17:18Speaker 01

  Hundred percent. Yeah, it's better to be emotionally starving and get all the cancers, thyroid cancers, reproductive

• 17:24Speaker 00

  We're used to it.

• 17:25Speaker 01

  autoimmune disorders. Yeah. Just get a couple autoimmune disorders, cancer, you know, constant joint pain, insomnia. That's better than telling my husband that I want a hug every morning before he goes to work. That's easier to just die. And that's the reality of most women is, I will die. It's existential level dread. That's what most women are dealing with. So they freeze. I have a four-step process that helps people resolve this. Number one is stabilizing your own attachment. This is not fixing your attachment. You can't until you are relational. Relational fixes are all that really help. But you can learn to manage your own stress response enough to be able to lean into the conversations

• 18:07Speaker 01

  without having a panic attack, or what we call a dorsal vagal shutdown, where your system closes down, ROKA's area, the speech center of the brain goes offline because the blood is disappearing out of it to reroute to the fear centers. You can learn to manage that through physical techniques. So step number one for us is learning all of those components with the entire point of moving into relational work, not being stuck in the personal piece. Number two is engaging a partner. So instead of just jumping open one day while your husband's sitting there on the couch, you go, I'm just gonna do it. It's gonna be the worst thing in the world, but I'll force myself. And you blurt out nine hours of feelings. And he is scared to death, and then his eyes glaze over, and then he runs from the room. And you say, oh, no, all my fears. No, that was an ambush,

• 18:52Speaker 01

  number one. There was no context. It was an overwhelm for both of you. You probably look scared out of your mind, like a serial killer coming for him. You probably listed all the negative feelings you have and how awful things are. You didn't list an invitation or opportunity. You didn't help him understand specific targets. So there's a number of ways you engage a partner slowly. Usually, I tell women, and this lands strangely for a lot of women, but I say, ask permission. Not because you need his permission to speak, ever, but asking permission and saying, listen, I'm learning this thing about myself that, that I've made myself really small and quiet to please other people. And I'm learning more and more, that may not be what everybody wants from me. And it's not exactly

• 19:37Speaker 01

  how I want to be living, but I don't know if it's okay with you if I explore this part of myself. Is it all right if I do this? Are you okay with that? Or will that upset you? And is it all right if I share pieces of that with you at times so that you can see where I'm going and what I'm thinking? What's the best way? If yes, what's the best way or time for me to give you those downloads and those deposits? Do you want me to flag it to you? Should we set a meeting time? What's going to be good so that I can bring that to you in the best way? And when you have that, it's actually the man's job in the relationship to be setting designated times that a woman can come to him with concerns so that she never has to guess. That's a failure on the man's part, but most men don't know how to do that.

• 20:22Speaker 01

  When she can schedule that with him and get that permission, she can feel safer doing so. This is at the beginning part, this is a big game about minimizing as much of the fear as possible, so you can just do the thing. Once you've established that you have a good enough loving partner, that's going to be like, yeah, I'm confused what you mean, but sure, I'll listen. That's fine. I do care about you. If they'll just listen, nature begins to often take its course as long as you can direct him on what you want. You have to be clear and measurable about targets. I can go through the whole sharing process if you need me to.

• 20:57Speaker 00

  You guys know I'm all about turning big ideas into something in reality, but here's the thing, not every idea deserves your time, energy, and especially your money. That's why I want to tell you about life at the speed of play. Launch products people love, the new book from the legendary Silicon Valley entrepreneur, Mark Pincus. That's Mark with a K. It's an instant national bestseller and in just 170 fast paced pages, which I'm all about, Mark shares invaluable life skills and his battle tested, easy to follow framework for quickly testing ideas, getting real feedback and figuring out what is worth pursuing. He's one of Silicon Valley's most prolific idea generators, and this isn't some stuffy business book.

• 21:40Speaker 00

  It feels like sitting in his kitchen, getting advice straight from someone who's actually done something huge. Because how many of us have spent months overthinking an idea, wondering if it'll work, instead of actually testing it? That's exactly the cycle this book helps you break. And Mark has a special offer for our Earn Your Happy listeners. Go to getmarksbook.com/earn and get two copies for $32. That's just $16 each. And Mark is personally paying for your second copy because he knows entrepreneurship can be lonely. Keep wanting to give it to a friend who's ready to make something happen. Again, go to getmarksbook.com/earn.

• 22:22Speaker 00

  Between this podcast and my beauty and wellness brand, some weeks, everything is on fire and I need help yesterday. And if I had to hire a new podcast producer tomorrow, I wouldn't just post must edit audio. I'd want someone who's worked on conversational shows, gets my style, can handle the chaos from one day to the next, trying to fit in four podcast episodes a week, all of the ads that I have to put on the podcast. So this is a job for sponsored jobs. Sponsored jobs boost your posts in search results so you can reach people with the skills you actually need and you only pay for results. Sponsored jobs posted directly on Indeed are 95% more likely to report a higher than non-sponsored jobs.

• 23:05Speaker 00

  That's huge when you can't afford to wait around for help. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Less stress, less time, more results. When you need the right person to cut through the chaos, this is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. And listeners of the show will get a $75 sponsored job credit to help get your job the premium status it deserves at indeed.com/podcast. Just go to indeed.com/podcast right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need a hiring hero? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs.

• 23:47Speaker 00

  When I launched Glossy, my drinkable skincare brand, I was obsessed with the formula. The product was my baby, but the store part felt way more intimidating. And that's a big reason we built on Shopify in the beginning, because you really don't have to be an e-commerce expert to get up and running. And that's a big deal in the beginning of a business. And here's the biggest lesson I learned about the holidays. You do not want to be building your store in the middle of the rush. You want to be set up, you want to be tested and ready before the traffic hits. So two things I love. First, Shopify mobile app. I'm on planes, I'm on stages, I'm here recording with you and I can still check my inventory, help a customer, see payments right from my phone, which is so much fun. And that's the second they check out.

• 24:31Speaker 00

  So Shopify checkout with Shop Pay converts up to 36% higher than the competition. When you've worked that hard to get someone to your site, that last click matters. So if you've had a business idea sitting in your notes app for way too long, this is your sign. Launch before Black Friday, a time of year when more people are already shopping and ready to buy. If you're ready to launch your business before Black Friday, go to Shopify.com/happy to start your free trial. That's Shopify.com/happy. Go to Shopify.com/happy today to hear your first.

• 25:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think that would be super helpful. I know that's been really big in my marriage is I used to be an ambusher. And it didn't, it just didn't go well. And I don't want to be approached like that at all with his stuff either. And you know, I think, I think when we're a couple who both are very, we both have our zones of genius and I would say we're both, we are both very wired, high achievers. Lot of trauma, childhood trauma for both of us around it. But you know, when you are busy in your day and you are already in a, you know, a one track emotion of work for that day and you're winding down, there, there are times, there are times that are much better than other times. And I do want to know so that I can emotionally be in that place.

• 25:53Speaker 00

  So I would love to learn how to approach that because I actually think this is one of the hardest things for people is the conversation feels so hard because we don't know, just like even if you were speaking on stage or a podcast, we kind of want to know our start and our finish. And if you don't, you're very, very lost and it doesn't feel good. So I would love to learn that.

• 26:11Speaker 01

  It's one of the skills I teach. I'm happy to share it here. One thing that I've noticed is women tend to ambush, not because women don't care. That's what men think. Women are just like, aha, now I can attack you. It's because women are number one, monitoring if you're going to be receptive. So they're constantly scanning for when is that man in his most peaceful, most relaxed state where he's most likely not to get upset at me because she's walking on eggshells like she did around dad and mom probably. So she's walking on eggshells, waiting for his softest moment. And that's usually at like 11 o'clock at night when he's, he's laying down and his head touches the pillow and she goes, now this is the moment. He's so relaxed. Hey, do you have time for a three hour conversation about our relationship?

• 26:55Speaker 01

  And the guy's like, no, I would rather die. Why are you doing this? And then that is confirmation to her, I'm not good enough. He doesn't care about me. I do everything wrong. And it drives her deeper and deeper into that shell. So setting the, setting, setting the time, making sure you have a partner who is a decent enough human being that if you say, hey, I have something that's about me, that's not death, it's not going to be death and terrible for us. I'm not having an affair, but I have something about me I'd like to share with you. When is a good time for us to do that? And then giving it to them and letting them designate it to you because number one, you're not grabbing them in the middle of something else and saying, listen to my feelings. You're letting them set a time.

• 27:35Speaker 01

  Number two, they can show up ready to listen at a better energy than you can ever create yourself. And number three, you can show up prepped for that conversation, knowing that you're going to be received because you have permission to speak about it. So number one, setting that initial time is absolutely fundamental. It's something you have to do. Number two, practicing a physical somatic body skill that brings your stress level down. Mental things don't work. Picture a happy little cabin in the woods, doesn't work. Doing your meditations doesn't work. Lying to yourself in the mirror about I'm a super princess made of unicorns. It doesn't work either. You have to do physical techniques that really bring you down calmly. That's the only thing your limbic system properly responds to. So doing that in advance, so you don't walk in screaming, freaking out, terrified, crying,

• 28:20Speaker 01

  apologizing for breathing. You walk in calm and steady with your linguistic centers maxed out. And then number three, you walk in and you do this formula. I'm giving you context first for why I'm sharing what I'm about to share. If you just blurt out and start sharing with no context, the other person's brain goes into stress mode flooding with cortisol and adrenaline, trying to figure out why you're sharing it and what answer you want. So they spend the whole time filtering data based on how am I supposed to respond? If you tell them first context, this is why I'm telling you and this is the kind of response I'm looking for. Then they can start filtering based on that with no cortisol and no adrenaline. So now it's not a threat process. Now it's very calm. They're filtering and problem solving.

• 29:05Speaker 01

  And actually, for a man, like, this is one of the best approaches because you're asking him to do what his brain does. It observes in the back and then jumps forward to make a snap decision based on what the data means and find a solution. It's the most frustrating thing about men until you learn to work with it. So this is what I'm looking for. Tell him, I'm just looking to share with you. So you can download it, hold it in your head and use it for later. I can do that. Tell him that in advance. I'm sharing this with you to be known, to be heard, because I love you. I just want you to know, whatever it is. I'm sharing it with you for that reason. Here's the response I'm looking for. It doesn't have to be the exact words, but I just want you to tell me that if you still love me or not, after I tell you that I am becoming a worm. Right? Whatever it is, that's, that's, that's the thing, right? I'm, I'm just wanting, I want you to know that I want to know if this is okay. And if you still love me, that's totally fine.

• 29:50Speaker 01

  He can give you a yes or no. And then after you've prepped it, you share. And you share toward that context. And you share with factual pieces of information as much as possible. Don't give a 20 minute monologue about feelings and everything he's ever done wrong. Give factual downloads with maybe one example and tell him you have others if he needs them. That's a key piece. Most men's mind and eyes go blank because you give 15 examples to, to try to force him to care, even if he already cares. The assumption he doesn't care is one of the most deadly things that women do when they get in. Cause they've waited for three years to have this conversation and all the time they've rehearsed it in their brain. And the man in their brain doesn't care. So they've rehearsed making him care.

• 30:33Speaker 01

  And they have three years of experience hallucinated in their brain through simulation about him not caring. So now he's being punished for not caring when he hasn't even had a chance to care yet. That's a big piece right there. And then after you finish sharing, you ask your question again. You, you repeat the ask again. If you can do it in that fashion, it is the most respectful, direct, loving way that works so great with the masculine brain. He can make sense of your emotional data. He can help you, especially if you use the phrase, I need your help at the beginning of the conversation. So you framed it as him doing a service that men usually love doing unless they're a sociopath, which is very few men, by the way, just for the record.

• 31:16Speaker 01

  If you can frame it this way, my goodness, he will be singing your praises from the rooftops because you are the lowest maintenance woman on the planet. And not because you don't get your nails done and you don't ask for things, you're low maintenance because he doesn't have to guess about you. Women spend so much time guessing. The research indicates about five to six hours per day guessing and worrying the average woman right now. They don't realize if that was gone, how good you'd feel. But also most women don't track how much the man is guessing. And if she can remove the guessing for him, how much better he feels. A low maintenance woman means no guessing. It doesn't mean that you don't have needs. That's what I'll say there. I'll pause for breath.

• 31:54Speaker 00

  What do you think when you say a lot of men are guessing? What are some of the things that you are seeing frequently that they are guessing about?

• 32:03Speaker 01

  A lot of men are guessing about loyalty. How much do I need to do before, unless you'll leave me? Will you leave me for this? Will you leave me for this? Will you desire me if you know this about me? Will you respect me if you know this about me? If I did this, would you turn against me? Would you fight me? What do you actually like? What do you, most men, most husbands I talk to have no idea what their wife likes in the bedroom and would give their left arm to learn. But most women are saying, babe, I like anything you like in the bedroom. Just whatever, just, just use me however you want. I'm happy to be used. And, and men are driven insane by that because they want to serve and give and make sure she's experiencing joy as well. And as she shuts that down, what she's telling him is, I don't trust you. I don't want to share that with you.

• 32:48Speaker 01

  I don't like you. I'm serving you because I have to, because you're not the kind of man that builds real loyalty for me. So I'm just here, do whatever you're going to do. And most men begin to shut down their own sex drive as a response. It becomes very mechanical, just, just like do the deed and get it done. Maintenance sex. That's what most relationships start to retreat into with a dead bedroom. If she can share that with him, there's even a different bonding hormone that men have more receptors for when he's hitting targets, including in the bedroom. It's a different receptor site that men have more, much more of than women do. And it's absolutely crucial that you activate it.

• 33:22Speaker 00

  So around that, the dead bedroom portion, because I mean, I, I literally hear everything. I've obviously been in a, well, I, not obvious, but I'm in a 20 year marriage. And I'm so curious. I've also listened to so much on Esther Perel, where the more you become like best friends, the less you can be intimate in the bedroom. Then a lot of my friends who have been divorced, it's kind of like some of the story on the male side is like, we just drifted apart. There was no spark there anymore. I know that's a big question. Do you know what I'm trying to ask without asking you? What is going on with the drift apart, especially with high achieving women? Cause there's always that, that portion in it.

• 34:07Speaker 00

  And I don't know if it's time, the high achiever, all of it combined, the not ever saying any of our desires ever, and can't be reignited, do you think?

• 34:17Speaker 01

  No, absolutely. It can re, it can and should be reignited. In fact, that's how a proper, long-term, monogamous relationship works is that is continuously being renewed. Most people think it's one and done, and then you're gone once the magic's out. It's not how it works. That's called novelty dopamine. It dies at about five to seven months of being together. It's designed to, it's not something that lasts. It's the salt on top of the meal. It's not the meal. You have to be building the proper bonding hormones. Oxytocin through warmth and intimacy, which flows best when you feel emotionally safe. Most women don't feel emotionally safe, either because of what the man's doing, or because she can't receive safety because she's blocking it, or both.

• 34:59Speaker 01

  That emotional safety is crucial for what we call the oxytocin pipeline to then begin emotional intimacy, being known and received and loved. And then into non-sexual physical touch, and then into sexual physical touch, and then into foreplay, which is mandatory for men and women. After the first year or two of a committed relationship, we see very low oxytocin levels correlated with erectile dysfunction issues in men, sex drive issues in men, all kinds of problems, but especially in female sex drive. As you build that, the foreplay into sex, where it's a playful, unitive, joyful experience you build together. Not, well, not super quick, not the Viking attack method where it's over fast.

• 35:36Speaker 01

  And then into after care and after play, where you're having fun and laughing, talking, playing on the pillows, leading back into emotional intimacy, building the oxytocin pipeline again and again. Sex should be an experience you build, but there's another thing that's crucial. If you're just focusing on happy, fun playtime, that kills the relationship because there's another bonding hormone called vasopressin. It is so much older in our system. It is designed for trust. It's designed for when I was stressed and afraid you were there and you helped me. It does, it's massively important in mate protection, especially in men being territorial over my woman. It's incredibly important for protection of the marriage and relationship, and then the family that's immersed in it.

• 36:19Speaker 01

  It is incredibly important for not cheating. It sends a signal that I have a partner. When we have mammals and we block vasopressin in their brain, they start cheating, even if they were faithful before. If they were cheating before and you flood them with vasopressin, they become immensely faithful, monogamous little mammals at that point. But men have more receptors for this than women do. It's achievement-based, stress-based, team-based. You have to have both. And if you don't have both, and if, if attachment issues and stress and fear are blocking them, where you're not letting your husband nurture you and care for you, and you never feel safe ever, even though he's trying. Or if you don't solve problems with him, you step back and let him solve them, or worse, you solve them all alone yourself, then you can't do that bonding.

• 37:04Speaker 01

  Of course, love is going to die. Of course, the feelings of warmth and intimacy die. That's oxytocin flow and serotonin. It's also vasopressin and dopamine. As all four of those drop down to rock bottom, your GABA drops, which is supposed to be suppressing your cortisol, which floods out of control. And now your brain sends a signal that says, I don't have a partner. I'm alone. I should look for one. And now you're white knuckling it, trying to be faithful to somebody. Your heart says, we're not a, we're not a couple, we're not a team. If you can build that vasopressin oxytocin intensely through very intimate, secure attachment, through practicing experiences together, through in the bedroom, letting him help you achieve multiple times of joy. By telling him exactly what the targets are, so that he can be hitting those for you. So so many different things.

• 37:49Speaker 01

  If you can build a life like that, the, the passion doesn't just come back. It maxes out higher than anything you ever experienced. The oxytocin levels, I was just talking to Dr. Sue Carter, the world leading expert on these bonding hormones. She's on a, I think on a tour in Europe right now, speaking about them. And she talks about how oxytocin is one of the few chemicals in your system that doesn't have an upper ceiling. You can go as high as you want. It's great for men and women, but it drives so much of our sexual desire. Most couples, rock bottom on both. That's, that's our problem.

• 38:20Speaker 00

  Obviously now we have some of the tools to get into these questions and in these conversations for a lot of people. I mean, I grew up in an extremely religious upbringing where even just having those conversations feels insanely big, almost impossible, like to even start having them. So I think for, and I know a lot of my friends in the, the generation that we grew up in, like our mothers never, ever expressed any emotion around that, around anything, never talked about. You know, any desires whatsoever, how the marriage was, nothing.

• 38:59Speaker 00

  And so I think we're, a lot of us at my age are, or, I mean, I think for a lot of people are walking in fairly blind to these conversations where it almost feels like too much once again. And it's almost like some people and some of my friends, just because I have quite a few of them now who are divorced. And the conversations that I heard is like, they're just really feel like the man thinks it's done. Like there's no more, there's not a possibility of attraction there. What do you say around that? Like, how do you resuscitate that?

• 39:33Speaker 01

  Well, number one, I will say we're back to the self-development trap because even after all that self-development, it feels too big to even tell your husband, hey, I like it when you kiss my neck. Even that's too much after how many years of self-development, how many tens of thousands of dollars of coaching. That's where the relational work has to be done. This is stuff that you should have been talking about back when you were three years old. When I pick my daughter up and I swing her around and she says, Daddy, I like that. And I say, oh, good. And I do more of it. And she learns it's okay to share your preferences. When she says, Daddy, I don't like cheese on my hamburger. I remember like of my daughters, none of them like cheese on their hamburgers. Okay, I tracked that. And then every time I get them a hamburger, I don't just quietly not, I say, hey, I'm gonna make sure there's no cheese on it because you like it. And they go, and they do this

• 40:18Speaker 01

  happy little like wiggle because I remembered something about them. And they remember sharing preferences and it was taken care of. And then it's explicitly mentioned. That's the training that women haven't got quite often from whatever life they're in, secular, religious, anything. It is so crucial to be able to practice that with your partner, however you need to get there. Physical somatic techniques, number one, are really crucial. Like I said, building up, building permission. Sweetheart, is it okay if I share any sexual desires with you at all, even small ones? You better believe that man is put on a lab coat and safety glasses and a pulling on clipping board. It's like, yeah, I got you right. Like, what? You're like,

• 41:02Speaker 01

  what? Right? He's in. Imagine the power of that. But, but that's the fear is, I'm gonna say, sweetheart, is it okay if I share a sexual preference? And he's gonna respond the way your caregivers did in childhood. How dare you. You're gonna get it how you, how I like it. It doesn't matter. Stop talking. Quit being picky. Don't be a bad little girl. There is no way to overcome the fear except by facing it. But you can diminish the fear with a variety of techniques. It's just, until you do it, it will haunt you. And as you begin doing it, facing the fear, the fear is not even the problem. The fear is

• 41:43Speaker 01

  the mechanism of trust. Because as you step over that hump, and he receives you on the other side, and he says, babe, I'm glad you told me. The vasopressin explosion in your system and the oxytocin explosion, the dopamine explosion, the serotonin, your GABA going up, you are gonna feel like a drunk 16-year-old with your first crush all over again. So when you ask me, is it possible to rebuild love? Oh, yeah. But it's only done by facing the stress points. It's done by facing the fears. It's done by taking a breath and saying, I'm gonna trust you the way I've never trusted another human on the planet. And I'm begging you to receive me with kindness. Here's one thing I'm gonna experiment and tell you. And

• 42:25Speaker 01

  I'll tell you one thing today and one thing every day for the rest of our lives together. And we'll see how it goes. If you can take that approach, oh, my goodness. Oh, man, you have such a love, passion story coming. It's unbelievable.

• 42:37Speaker 00

  Hmm, I love that. So for somebody who's, you know, they get a fresh slate. And when I say get, maybe they are out of a relationship, they're moving into another one, or they haven't been in a serious relationship or been married, but they're like, I want to go into this right in a powerful way. What are some key things that you would say establishing in the beginning? Maybe recognizing what ourselves, and then establishing moving into a relationship? So it is open?

• 43:05Speaker 01

  It's funny that you go back to first, beginning with ourself, though, because that's that self-development work. That's where we get stuck as we stay there. Yeah. I have a three-date method that I teach. And the first date is incredibly important. Because on the first date is where you lose securely attached men. It's if you don't do the first date correctly, they will ghost you after the first date. They're the guys that are super polite, super kind and professional. They shake your hand at the end of the date, and then they never answer your messages ever again. And nothing that you can track went wrong, they just 100% ghost you. Because you signaled incorrectly to them on the first date, that you're not interested in a secure, healthy relationship. You signaled to them that you are here to stimulate them and provide them with services. And that is not what

• 43:48Speaker 01

  they want. And they walk right out. So when you ask, where are, when women ask, where are all the good men? The good men have filtered away from you because, not because you're bad, but because you're signaling instability and somebody who cannot do relationships. On the very first date, it's what we call chemistry type number one, primal chemistry. You have to be showing him that you are the kind of person who knows what she wants, sure. And then is very clear and expressive about what she wants, while inviting him to share that with you, if he's interested, without being angry and abrasive about sharing it. Most women I find fall into the trap, right? I'm either going to be really angry and mean

• 44:32Speaker 01

  and controlling and the goddess energy flowing out, and I will tell you, take it or leave it. And be incredibly avoidant myself to seize control. Or, I'm going to be so capitulating and so pleasing and so fawning, that I will never offend anybody on the planet. Those are my two things that I can give. And then, and both of those are death. If you can really walk in with a good smile on your face, a calm nervous system, and be able to say, listen, I just want to make sure we're on the same page. I'm looking for a long-term committed relationship. We don't have to get married today, I promise. But I am looking for a long-term committed relationship. Here's what that looks like to me, marriage, kids, you know, whatever it is. This is what that would look like to me. And that's all I want. I'm not here for a casual thing, and I'm not here to be friends. No pressure here. I

• 45:16Speaker 01

  just want to hear the truth from you. Where are you at? What do you want? And what does it look like to you? And if we're, if we're aligned, great, we can do a second date. You can drop the handkerchief for him to ask you later. We can do a second date if we're aligned. Tell me where you're at. And being very clear with that and running that with him. So he knows that you know what you want, but you're also very gentle and kind about it. You have what you want, and you have your boundaries. But you are also kind and gentle. The second date, you take it so much further. And you say, great, you told me about the first date. You're looking for this thing, this committed relationship, this life. Where are you at right now with building that? Who are you? Who are you when you're not here with me? Where are you living your principles? Where are you living your ethics? Where are you

• 45:57Speaker 01

  chasing your goals? Where are the difficult things you're just beating down and conquering? Who are your friends? Who are your mentors? Who keeps you accountable? And here's all of those answers from my perspective. Here's how I'm growing. Here's who keeps me accountable. Here's how I live my ethics, my goals, my dreams. This is what I'm doing. And it's a character-based approach. I call it personal chemistry in the second date. Character-based approach, instead of fun and intimacy. Most women are trying to be a stimulating partner. A lot of women tell me, Adam, if I don't sleep with him on the first date, someone else will. No, you have to have those proper boundaries and that structure in place so that he knows your character. Healthy men will bond with you because of your character, not because of how you make them feel. Third date, gets really ugly. A lot of women cringe.

• 46:42Speaker 01

  And they're like, okay, Adam, I'm with you so far, but now you sound like a lunatic. I can't trust you anymore. Third date is where it shifts. Third date is called attachment chemistry. It's the third type of chemistry. With attachment chemistry, you say, okay, we both talked about committed relationships, and I kind of like you. I kind of like you. Express it. I kind of like you. You're really interesting so far. Let's get real about this for a moment. What would dating you actually be like? What challenges are you facing right now that you haven't overcome yet? What difficulties have you faced? What is the reality of us being together? What's the reality of challenges and things? What have you not told me yet that you do need to tell me? I'm welcoming you to do that. I'm gonna listen to you. We will be having a good, transparent conversation. Here's my challenges. Here's what I'm working on. I'm really not good at sharing things, unfortunately.

• 47:25Speaker 01

  I wish I was. I'm trying to get more adventurous in that regard and be trusting. So that's something I would be working on with you, is always making sure I'm asking you questions when I'm guessing, and sharing things with you. So if you ask me, I may need a moment to pause and recalibrate, but I will come back with information. And if you ever see me fall, see me disappear from that, tell me, it's not your job to fix it. I will step in. And you give each other what your red flags are, which turns them actually into green flags, because you're actually dealing with them, and it's refreshing. And if a man can do this with you, great. If he can't, get out. But it also gives you a touchstone to come back to later in the relationship. When he breaches something, you breach something, you guys can come back and go, hey, this is one of those moments you talked about. How are we gonna work through this? And if you both work through it, those little conflicts

• 48:09Speaker 01

  become bonding points. That's how you turn that into those three-date method, really into a very strict compatibility program where you signal to the best men, you erase the worst men, the avoidant men, climb out the window to escape from you, and you build a structured relationship you can trust. And then, you have nowhere left to hide. Now you set up the relationship in the best possible way. If you start hiding after that, they tell you that you're hiding, and they ask where you're going. And yes, you can hotwire a car and drive to Mexico to escape, but some, usually about halfway to Mexico, it occurs to you that maybe you should drive back and have a conversation with him about what you like in the bedroom. It gets a little bit easier that way.

• 48:48Speaker 00

  Okay. When I started my first business, I thought forming it was just paperwork. Nobody told me my home address could end up on public record. And when you have any audience at all in the world of social media, this is a big deal. Northwest Registered Agent helps you build a real business identity from day one. They've been doing this for nearly 30 years. And they're the largest registered agent and LLC service in the US with over 1,500 corporate guides, real people who know your local laws. Your home address, personal email and phone number, stay private. And a free account gets you lawyer drafted operating

• 49:32Speaker 00

  agreements, bylaws, and thousands of guides at no cost. No upsells, and they never sell your data. Don't pay hundreds or thousands of dollars for what you can get from Northwest for free. Visit northwestregisteredagent.com/earnfree and start using free resources to build something amazing. Get more with Northwest Registered Agent at northwestregisteredagent.com/earnfree.

• 50:07Speaker 00

  When I launched Glossy, my drinkable skincare brand, I was obsessed with the formula. The product was my baby, but the store part felt way more intimidating. And that's a big reason we built on Shopify in the beginning, because you really don't have to be an e-commerce expert to get up and running. And that's a big deal in the beginning of a business. And here's the biggest lesson I learned about the holidays. You do not want to be building your store in the middle of the rush. You want to be set up, you want to be tested and ready before the traffic hits. So two things I love. First Shopify mobile app. I'm on planes, I'm on stages, I'm here recording with you and I can still check my inventory, help a customer, see payments right from my phone, which is so much fun. And that's the second they check out.

• 50:51Speaker 00

  So Shopify checkout with Shop Pay converts up to 36% higher than the competition. When you've worked that hard to get someone to your site, that last click matters. So if you've had a business idea sitting in your notes app for way too long, this is your sign. Launch before Black Friday, a time of year when more people are already shopping and ready to buy. If you're ready to launch your business before Black Friday, go to Shopify.com/happy to start your free trial. That's Shopify.com/happy. Go to Shopify.com/happy today to hear your first.

• 51:31Speaker 00

  You guys know I'm all about turning big ideas into something in reality, but here's the thing, not every idea deserves your time, energy, and especially your money. That's why I want to tell you about life at the speed of play. Launch products people love, the new book from the legendary Silicon Valley entrepreneur, Mark Pincus. That's Mark with a K. It's an instant national bestseller and in just 170 fast paced pages, which I'm all about, Mark shares invaluable life skills and his battle-tested, easy-to-follow framework for quickly testing ideas, getting real feedback and figuring out what is worth pursuing. He's one of Silicon Valley's most prolific idea generators, and this isn't some stuffy business book.

• 52:14Speaker 00

  It feels like sitting in this kitchen, getting advice straight from someone who's actually done something huge. Because how many of us have spent months overthinking an idea, wondering if it'll work, instead of actually testing it? That's exactly the cycle this book helps you break. And Mark has a special offer for our Earn Your Happy listeners. Go to GetMark'sBook.com/earn and get two copies for $32. That's just $16 each. And Mark is personally paying for your second copy because he knows entrepreneurship can be lonely. Keep wanting, give it to a friend who's ready to make something happen. Again, go to GetMark'sBook.com/earn. Okay, so three date method.

• 52:55Speaker 00

  I mean, it sounds amazing and a little scary, but it sounds like you'd weed through it. And you know, I think a lot of people are, I'm having so many of these conversations right now because I'm just like, oh my gosh, I'm the married friend who's trying, but I just, I don't know the times. I don't understand the dating world right now. So I'm like, guys, I'm going to have this conversation. You just listen to it, okay?

• 53:17Speaker 01

  That's right. Send them this episode, just have this episode real quick and you're like, hey, you send it to them, just like, hey, I got the episode for you. There you go.

• 53:24Speaker 00

  We're just going to send it out. So with you doing what you do, I'm so curious, does this, like, sometimes can you just drive your wife crazy? Because sometimes the arguing, what does the arguing look like for you guys?

• 53:37Speaker 01

  It's a great question. You know, marriage and family therapists, which I was for a long time, they have the highest divorce rate of any kind of therapist because they become the boss and think they're the absolute king or queen of relationships. And I'm going to fix my spouse. And it's something I've guarded very diligently against. I have a lot of mentors in my life, a lot of very good, wonderful mentors. Some of them are priests of various denominations, experts in other fields, all kinds of good mentors. And if my wife flags something to me, I treat her with the human dignity and the respect that a wife deserves. People ask me, is your wife your best friend? No, because that would be insulting to my wife, that she was downgraded to a mere friend. My wife is an extension of my, my very essence. We are one being together.

• 54:20Speaker 01

  So if she flags something to me, it means it's real and I respect her wisdom and her kindness in that. So I listen. I don't say, you're instantly right, everything's perfect, you're telling me what to do. I say, I'm going to take that to my mentors and work through that. Thank you for that. And that's crucial that you have that relationship with a spouse because nobody's going to see the big cancerous mole that grew on your butt faster than your partner is going to. You won't find it, right? And if that mole is in your heart and they're flagging to you that there's a problem or that your trauma is getting in the way, if you can trust them and listen to them, the intimacy helps that happen. If you can trust them and listen to them, you get stronger and healthier and max out

• 55:02Speaker 01

  your optimization and success better than any program on your own could ever achieve, ever. Your spouse is the key to the ultimate human optimization that you can achieve because they will always see the places you don't want to be seen and the things you can't reach yourself. You have to have eyes on you like that. That's what a spouse is for. So what are my fights with my wife like? We don't fight, I will say. We discuss, we debate, we have grumpy days. But when we have a problem, she, three or four years ago, I was, I started a business, a co-founded business, building all of this for people. And three or four years ago, we were going through a rough patch at the business and I didn't talk to anybody for like 90 days.

• 55:47Speaker 01

  I just got really in my head, you know this, your audience remembers probably these moments. I'm in my head, like thinking about revenue and all of that, my business partner, and I aren't speaking or even like making eye contact anymore because no one wants to break, you know, break what's happening. And my wife sits down with a basket of laundry next to me as I'm sitting there like reading, pretending to read a book, so stressed out. And she goes, you know, I've been really frustrated with you lately. My wife. I closed my book and put it down and went, took a breath. Okay. I said, tell me more about that. Because she's earned my trust. If she's frustrated, it's not for no reason. Tell me more about that. And she goes, well, you haven't been sharing your feelings with me lately and I think you're sharing them with your business partner instead.

• 56:30Speaker 01

  And that just feels really bad that he's getting what I'm supposed to be getting. And I went, huh, tell me a little more. And she said, well, when I've gone through periods like that, you know, I really closed down and I talked to a friend and I try to always bring it back to you and I really wish you would do that for me because I want to be there for you. And I went, okay. Anything else? And she said, no, that's, that's it. I said, can I share mine? She goes, yeah. I said, okay. I'm curious why you think I'm talking to my business partner? And she went, hmm. And she thought about it and said, well, it's what I would do. And I said, no, I'm not, I promise you, we're not talking about feelings at all. In fact, we probably should, but he's, the only thing we talk about is when the vein in his neck throbs too hard and you have to go to the doctor. That's the only time. And then we just laugh about it and we go back to work.

• 57:15Speaker 01

  And she goes, oh, that's, I thought you guys were talking? Nope. I said, I don't talk to anybody. In fact, that's probably a problem now that you're flagging it to me. And she said, well, that's really sad. I'm not frustrated at all anymore. I'm just really sad for you. And I went, I'm kind of sad for myself now that I'm thinking about it. Okay. I said, well, I don't, I don't know how to share things with you. I'm not, I'm not even thinking about feelings. I'm in such a bad mode right now. And she said, okay. Well, what can I help you do to get through this phase? And how can we come back to a place where you're able to talk with me again? And we kind of troubleshooted through it. Both of us took a lot of breaths before we would answer questions because we settled the nervous system. It's a state shift, but it was, it was curiosity. Did you hear how many curious questions were back and forth?

• 58:00Speaker 01

  It was very short context. It wasn't assuming intent. It was, here's what I'm seeing. There was an assumption on her part, but it's here's what I'm seeing, here's what I'm observing, not because you don't love me anymore. Here's what I'm seeing. As we went back and forth and asked questions, this is us after a long time of building trust and intimacy. So we have that built into us. The vasopressin oxytocin, all of that makes you trust people and give a larger buffer before you go off on them too. So we have that working for us too. You have to build that. It's not just about the sex drive, it's about the, the buffer and the bubble wrap basically around you. But that's, that's what that discussion looked like. And it was, that was an intense enough discussion that was four or five years ago, and I still remember it to this day.

• 58:41Speaker 01

  That's, that's what a tense conversation looks like for securely attached people. Does that help as a model?

• 58:47Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm. That was so good. I love, I love examples, so I appreciate that, especially your real life examples. Um, so for women who are the high achievers, who want to do all the things, sometimes we can be like, well, I don't see that part of me stopping anytime soon. It might transform, but I don't know if that desire to want to build is going to go somewhere. And I do feel like in the past, I've been by certain groups of people or friends, like, when is it ever going to be enough? And I'm like, I kind of just have been a big dreamer my whole life. But then the side question to that, to anyone who feels like they do want to chase those dreams.

• 59:27Speaker 00

  How can we start in our relationships observing maybe where we are closing off or shutting down that desire portion of our life? Because I do see that I have just like turned big segments of myself off.

• 59:42Speaker 01

  Mm hmm. You see how fast we go back to how do I figure out the parts of that I can't see? That's our problem is relational fixes is what we're supposed to be doing. It's going to the people in your life you trust and saying, hey, I'm trying to figure out where I have shut down the best parts of myself. You know me better than anyone. Could you give me a handle on what do you see that I'm shutting down? Where in our conversations do I block? Where do I deflect? Where do I run away? Where do you see me say, I don't know? Where do you see me get weird? Where do you see me locking down? Humans are relational beings. We're not these hyper individualistic creatures that never connect to anybody else. So we're living completely silent experiences. That's insanity. That's a modern insanity that we've invented.

• 1:00:27Speaker 01

  Humans are relational beings. We have always been and always will be. It's what kept us alive and helped us rise to be the dominant species on this planet. Relational actions and relational connections, relational problem solving. You're never going to figure out all the places where you're weak. You will stumble for the rest of your life and figure things out at 10% speed and barely even get through because then you'll be petrified about what you learned and stuck and frustrated and scared. Talking to other people, hey, I trust you. Where am I falling short? What am I doing? And they tell you and you say, oh, wow, that's embarrassing. And they go, it's okay. I love you anyway. And you get a huge hit of dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and you feel loved and cared for. And then you get vasopressin and you trust them more because of the experience.

• 1:01:12Speaker 01

  So you have already improved. You've already improved your biochemistry and your relationship flow. And now you've practiced for when you share that thing with your husband later because you did it in a lower stakes relationship here and it was okay. They didn't recoil in horror and drive you out into the darkness to live with the coyotes as your only friends. They said, no, I still love you. And then your brain goes, well, if they did that, maybe it's possible. My husband isn't the monster that my brain thinks he is. Maybe he could love me too. And it decreases the fear just a little bit around telling him too. One relationship starts building on all the other relationships in your ecosystem until you are relationally problem solving. And then it gets so incredible. It feels so good. It rewards you for it.

• 1:01:57Speaker 01

  And eventually you start remembering to do it. And then even better, looping back, other people like it. So they start asking you more questions to do it. It's me talking to my three year old daughter going, sweetheart, you look sad. Are you okay? It's other people checking in with you instead of going, wow, Lori's got her got her mean face on again. I don't want to pull the pin on that grenade. She'll just tell me that's none of my business anyway. She'll just smile and say she's fine. I won't even bother asking. It would be awkward. They go, hey, you know what? Last week Lori shared something with me. I wonder if I can ask her and they'll step in Lori, you look, you kind of got your, you got your war face on right now. Are you okay? And you go, oh, I do. And you kind of go, wow, I didn't realize, like, I guess I actually was worrying about something this morning.

• 1:02:43Speaker 01

  I meant to ask my husband something and I guess I've just been worrying about it. And they go, okay. Well, maybe you should ask him when you get home and you go, oh, yeah. I guess I could. Well, okay. Hey, thank you. And you give him a hug and they give you a hug. Oh, and you feel better and you feel loved and accepted. And then you go home and you go, hey, I should have asked you this this morning. I spent all day kind of stressing over it. Is it okay if I ask you a question or is later better? And he goes, no, that was okay. And you ask him, he goes, oh, that's the you spend all day worrying about that? No, here. And he tells you and you go, oh, I feel better. And he goes, yeah, it's okay. Just next time ask me. And he gives you a hug and you feel better. And now your system next time is recalibrated to do it even faster and even easier. Cause now you have data that says this works and it feels great.

• 1:03:27Speaker 01

  And that's how you reprogram your system over time.

• 1:03:29Speaker 00

  Hmm. I know you talk a lot about attachment styles. What attachment styles are you seeing that fit female entrepreneurs?

• 1:03:38Speaker 01

  I love that question because I had to do an update to the field of attachment theory because there was no attachment style that fit female entrepreneurs. Every woman that I meet seems to think she's anxiously attached, but she doesn't fit that classical mold. She's so much more ambitious and driven and she has an internal sense of control in business and in risk assessment and all of that. She's also very avoidant in all of her other problems, but she acts as if she's anxious and fawning. And the, the old fearful avoidant, loud, explosive, controlling, cheating, that sort of model didn't work for her. So I had to update this and create a new subtype solely almost for this group of women that my wife matches, by the way.

• 1:04:19Speaker 01

  Quiet, disorganized, disorganized, meaning cannot be neatly organized into either avoidant or anxious, but both. It's a blend of both very avoidant, but ethical avoidant on the outside. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't even want to step on a flower. I don't want to harm anyone. I will pull in completely and solve everything myself. And then a very nurturing form of anxious attachment. I'm never good enough. That's okay. I'm not angry and resentful. I'm just never going to be okay, but I know what it's like not to feel loved. So I want to make sure other people feel loved. So anxious and avoidant together in a power combo that drives her relentlessly towards success, but drives her further and further inward until she's unreachable by other people. That's quiet, disorganized style.

• 1:05:01Speaker 00

  Mm hmm. I can relate to that for sure. You said your wife relates to that.

• 1:05:06Speaker 01

  That was her style. Now the goal is to become remade, secure and not be any of those styles anymore. But that's where she began was quiet, disorganized.

• 1:05:14Speaker 00

  And I know the goal is through relational work.

• 1:05:18Speaker 01

  There you go. You got it.

• 1:05:19Speaker 00

  But it took me an hour. But where would you say we start that relational work? And if this has to go to, um, obviously looking at some of, uh, what you have to offer after this podcast, let us know what that looks like.

• 1:05:33Speaker 01

  Oh, sure. Yeah. I have a ton of resources. My whole team and I are here to help people build this. We have coaching, we have courses, we have an entire community for this. We have everything built to help people do this. But the biggest step realistically is thinking about how you're living right now and asking yourself if it's possible, you're leaving 80% of the joy of life on the table and only living on 20% of what you could be enjoying. The point of this conversation is not to make any woman feel like she's not doing enough because God forbid, they're usually doing too much and they're dying for it. The point of this is that women and men deserve so much more love than they were raised

• 1:06:18Speaker 01

  to believe that they could get. And other people will love you more than your brain and nervous system is telling you is possible. So take a look at yourself and say, am I getting what I want? If you have a partner, take a look at them and say, are they an uncaring monster like I've painted? Or could they be facing their own battle that's keeping them locked in their head too? And if I was able to offer them more intimacy and more care, is it possible they would step into that with me? Really reflect on that. And if you can schedule a small conversation with somebody that you love, where you just reveal a little bit, it's what I call the I'm an anxious person speech. Hey, I deal with a lot of anxiety and a lot of worrying and I'm doing it alone inside my head and I don't want to do it anymore.

• 1:07:02Speaker 01

  So I'm just letting you know, in case I've ever looked weird or confusing, it's me inside my head, trying to be good and trying to do right. You can yank me out of it anytime you see me doing it. The I'm an anxious person speech saves so many relationships. It's a great place to get started.

• 1:07:18Speaker 00

  Hmm. So good. Well, I'm so grateful for this conversation. Where can we go connect with you outside of this?

• 1:07:24Speaker 01

  Search my name, Adam Lane Smith on Google. You'll find me on 15 different places. It seems like these days everywhere, every platform, I'm on adamlanesmith.com. My entire coaching team is on there. We also have female coaches that can work with women who are more comfortable in that avenue too, but they're all trained in my methodologies.

• 1:07:41Speaker 00

  Awesome. Thank you so much for this conversation. Super, um, helpful, I think for everybody in any situation. It doesn't matter what relationship you're in because we're relational beings. So I really appreciate you. Thank you so much for coming on.

• 1:07:55Speaker 01

  Thank you, Lori.