How to Heal Your Heart & Find Love Without Settling with Matthew Hussey

Are you loving yourself, others, and your life in a way that truly serves you? In this episode, I sit down with Matthew Hussey, who has spent over 15 years helping millions of people raise their standards, build meaningful relationships, and navigate the challenges that come with finding love. We talk about how your past experiences shape your relationships, why you may chase the wrong things, and how the stories you tell yourself can make heartbreak even harder. Get ready to raise your standards and build the kind of love and life you truly want. Check out our Sponsors: Shopify - Try the ecommerce platform I trust for Glōci. Sign up for your $1/month trial period at http://Shopify.com/happy. Monarch Money - Get your first year of Monarch Core for half off at http://Monarch.com with code EYH. Northwest Registered Agent - Visit http://northwestregisteredagent.com/EarnFree and start using free resources to build something amazing. Fabric - Join the thousands of parents who trust Fabric to help protect their family. Apply today in just minutes at http://meetfabric.com/earn. Indeed - Indeed is giving Earn Your Happy listeners a $75 SPONSORED JOB CREDIT to help get your job the premium status it deserves. Just go to http://Indeed.com/podcast right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on Earn Your Happy. Momentous - If you want to try Momentous Signature Spec Creatine, head to http://livemomentous.com and use code EARN for up to 35% off your entire first order. Brevo - Meet Brevo…the all-in-one marketing and CRM platform built to help you connect with customers, boost engagement, and grow your business smarter. Get started for free today—or use code HAPPY50 to save 50% on Starter and Standard Plans for the first three months of an annual subscription. Just head to http://www.brevo.com/happy HIGHLIGHTS 00:00 The one shift that changes how you love yourself, others & your life. 04:45 Why understanding your love languages can strengthen your relationships. 10:30 The 3 relationships that determine the quality of your life. 16:15 Do you really need to “fix yourself” before finding love? 21:00 The red flags people miss and finding love again after heartbreak. 25:00 Rewriting the stories you tell yourself that can make heartbreak even harder. 34:30 Are you chasing the wrong things in relationships? 40:00 Tips to overcome the fear of rejection and have more vulnerable conversations. 48:45 How to create deeper and more genuine connections. 53:00 The Daniel Radcliffe story that changed Matthew’s perspective on pain. 57:00 Can your “baggage” become the thing that makes someone love you more? 01:04:15 The book for anyone struggling to find love and feel worthy of it. 01:08:15 There’s nothing shameful about wanting to find love. RESOURCES Get your copy of Matthew’s Book “Love Life: How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person, and Live Happily (No Matter What)” HERE Learn more about Loop at loriharder.com/loop Get on the waitlist for Mentor Collective Mastermind HERE! Try glōci for 40% off your first order with code HAPPY at checkout - head to getgloci.com FOLLOW Follow me: @loriharder Follow glōci: @getgloci Follow Matthew: @thematthewhussey

• 0:01Speaker 00

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• 0:45Speaker 00

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• 2:44Speaker 00

  You listen to the stories of the dating world is so hard and, and it's so hard to find someone, especially if you're older. Where does somebody start even just dealing internally? Like, do we work on ourselves first or what does that look like?

• 2:58Speaker 01

  I think it is a place of compassion for yourself. Let's say part of the story is that I'm behind. Well, behind who? There are people that are married today, who you're comparing yourself to, who may not be married in five years.

• 3:14Speaker 00

  So you're actually ahead because they're about to get divorced.

• 3:19Speaker 01

  If you look at it that way, yeah, you've got, you've got five years head start on finding love after this person even knows that they're, you know, not going to be married anymore. It's a weird thing, this head behind game that we play.

• 3:38Speaker 00

  Hey, everyone. Welcome back to the Earn Your Happy Podcast. Today's episode is another throwback, one of my favorite conversations. And you guys know that I've had this podcast for eight years. So if you're newer to the podcast, I have literally recorded over 1,400 episodes, you guys. So I want to make sure that you don't miss any of these super amazing juicy conversations that I have chosen just for you, because I can't tell you about the wealth of knowledge that is in this freaking catalog of throwbacks. I don't want you to miss it. It's truly what has changed my life and helped me on my journey of growth in entrepreneurship, in relationships, in personal development.

• 4:23Speaker 00

  And I know that these messages are going to hit you in the same kind of powerful way that they hit me. So I hope that you love this one as much as I do and let's get started.

• 4:36Speaker 00

  Matthew, thank you so much for coming on the podcast. I'm so excited to have you here.

• 4:40Speaker 01

  It's nice to be here. We've not been able to do anything in this capacity, but we've hung out.

• 4:44Speaker 00

  We've hung out.

• 4:44Speaker 01

  But we've never actually been able to do something on this level.

• 4:47Speaker 00

  I know. I was just telling my friend, she was like, oh, how do you, how do you know them? And I'm like, oh, we got to be at this really cool mastermind together. I'm like, we sat by each other.

• 4:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, we were, we were mastermind buddies. We were right next to each other. Yeah.

• 4:58Speaker 00

  So for me, that was a big deal. I'm like, we got to sit together. So you know, we got to know each other. So, and your beautiful, amazing wife, she's just like, she is such a light when she enters. You knew this, you found her.

• 5:12Speaker 01

  She is. She loves you and Chris.

• 5:14Speaker 00

  Oh, she's such a sweetheart, literally obsessed. So you guys just got married barely recently.

• 5:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, we, we got married. God, when was it? It was like November, October, October of last year.

• 5:26Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 5:26Speaker 01

  We went on, we went on a honeymoon in November. Yeah, we, we've like, it's been a little while. It's been, it's been amazing. We, it's so nice to be married. It feels, it feels really nice. I didn't know if I would feel any different.

• 5:38Speaker 00

  That's just what I was going to ask you. I, I felt different, but it was for different reasons. So what felt different about being married? Like what changed for you?

• 5:49Speaker 01

  I think that, look, the reason I decided, I called a friend when I was thinking of proposing. And I, I'm the kind of person, I, I'm like, why, what's the point in this? And I, for many years, I didn't know if I entirely saw the point in it. You know, I knew, I saw the point in long-term relationships, but whether marriage meant something to me, I didn't.

• 6:13Speaker 00

  Totally.

• 6:13Speaker 01

  You know, I, I didn't have any reason in my background or my belief system that marriage should really matter. And the sort of rebel in me said, like so many people do, do I really need a piece of paper to, you know, say that I'm with someone and committed and do I need to? And I called a friend of mine and I said, you know, why should I get married? I said, is it, what's the difference? And I trust this person and I value his opinion. And he said, there's something about saying that it's you and me on that level. There's something about creating a situation where you don't just get to leave,

• 6:56Speaker 01

  where every argument isn't suddenly putting you into this feeling of, is it going to work? Is it not? But you have a reason to stay. Your finger isn't just constantly on the trigger.

• 7:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:08Speaker 01

  Is the way he put it. And you know, there's something about that that spoke to me. And when I got married, it felt like, the reason I wanted to get married is I said, I want to, I feel like I really want to build something now. I felt like dating, I was resetting all the time with a new person and a different situation. And it kind of felt like I was constantly hitting reset. And I liked the idea of building. And that's what I think shifted for me was this feeling of now that we're married, it really feels like we're building something. And I'm not someone who, you know, I don't think anyone's going to find me on this podcast tour for this book,

• 7:52Speaker 01

  talking about kind of evangelizing about marriage or why everyone should get married or anything like that. But for me, it's definitely, it's shifted something. It's felt like, oh, we, it feels like a safety to build. Cause we've created this pact together. And now it's like, oh, it really is you and me. Let's build together. And I just, that feels fun to me.

• 8:13Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I kind of had a similar thing and I didn't even know that it would happen. But I think what happened when we got married is we learned communicating, thank God, pretty early on in our marriage. I think that's from Chris's mom, who did a lot with just like psychology and kind of, he just learned so much from her growing up. But what it did was it took off certain options off the table and language off the table. So there were things that we communicated about, like, well, now that you're married, you don't even, you don't fight and say things like, I'm leaving or talk about divorce. Or like, there were certain things that were just, they're off limits now. And whether that changes with a piece of paper or not, I think what it did for us is it just had us like leap over this,

• 8:55Speaker 00

  this line that all of a sudden, oh, we've, we've gone into something where we're both committed. So whether that's marriage or not, which I'm very open for people, so many people now who are, you know, maybe they don't believe in marriage because they have different things that in their background. I can understand that because, and I think you can still somewhat create that experience just through communication.

• 9:16Speaker 01

  Yeah. And I think, I really agree with that. And you get to decide what your relationship is going to be. I mean, that's one of the beautiful things about life. You get to decide what's important to you. And I think when you're in a great relationship, you get to decide together what's important to you as a couple. And whether that's marriage or a different path, I think that's up to everyone individually. And of course, so many people have been through it already. They've been married. And they have a lot of scars from that experience, whether they're men or women. And I have a lot of respect for that and I have a lot of sympathy and empathy for that because. You know, to suddenly run around talking about the merits of getting married to people

• 10:00Speaker 01

  who may have spent the last twenty years married and maybe it devastated them financially in a very difficult divorce. Maybe they found themselves in a very difficult or even abusive relationship for many years that they felt they couldn't get out of, certainly not easily, or without blowing up their life in ways that were terrifying. That's real. And it's very easy for someone at the beginning of that process to talk about how wonderful this thing is. And it's easy to forget, there are people in all different stages of life that have had a different go of it. And so they have to do what's right for them in this chapter. And that's one of the things I'm excited about, about this book, is that it's not got an agenda.

• 10:44Speaker 01

  It's not about saying to people what they should or shouldn't do, that you should or shouldn't be in a relationship, that you should or shouldn't get married, or that you should have a family or you shouldn't have a family. There is no agenda. The only focus of this book is your happiness and your confidence within yourself. And what I've always found, that love and what it does to us is a wonderful way in to all of the things that we might want to work on or heal within ourselves anyway, because it brings up everything.

• 11:19Speaker 00

  I'm like, yes, my, I mean, my marriage every day is always just a constant reflection of me, myself, and what I'm working on, truly. It's always making decisions for, you know, loving myself in the relationship. So let's talk about your book, because I love the title. We were just talking about how great the title is and the double meaning, Love Life. Why, why this book right now for you?

• 11:43Speaker 01

  I wanted to write a book, my last book came out over ten years ago.

• 11:47Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 11:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:48Speaker 00

  Did that fly by?

• 11:50Speaker 01

  It really, well.

• 11:52Speaker 00

  I know, it's like parts did, parts didn't.

• 11:55Speaker 01

  I've been humbled a lot in that time.

• 11:57Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 11:58Speaker 01

  I was twenty, I was twenty-four, I think, when I wrote the book, the original book. And there are things you say at twenty-four.

• 12:07Speaker 00

  I was just gonna say, have you gone back and read it and been like?

• 12:09Speaker 01

  You know, the surprising thing is, I run a retreat that I've run since I was twenty-one.

• 12:15Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 12:15Speaker 01

  When I was twenty-one, I ran it with six people. And we took over my friend's house in the south of France. And I did a five and a half day retreat for these people in the south of France. And I got this house for free, because he was just doing me a favor. And I've run that retreat every year since. And now there's many hundreds of people in that program. And we do it at a resort in Fort Lauderdale in Florida. And it's a very different thing, and it's grown and grown. But, you know, one of the surprising things about that program is that a lot of it hasn't changed. When I go back and read the original book, the surprising thing about it is actually how much I agree with.

• 12:52Speaker 00

  How much the structure works.

• 12:53Speaker 01

  Yeah. But, you know, I think of giving any kind of advice, which is a really precarious position to put yourself in, in life, is to be any kind of an advice giver. I think you grow into a lot of the things that maybe you say early on. You know, they're like a pair of shoes that are too big for you. And you, maybe there's a lot.

• 13:15Speaker 00

  You're like, I wanna be this? We're teaching it because we wanna do it?

• 13:17Speaker 01

  And because it's, there's truth to it, and because it makes sense. And then you, you know, I feel like I've spent, I've obviously had new insights in that time, in the fifteen years that I've been doing this. But I've also, I feel like grown into those shoes a lot more. And the things that now I maybe once said ten years ago, I feel like they resonate differently for me at this point in life. So this book was a chance for me to say what I wanted to say now. I've been working with people and helping them find love for fifteen years of my life. This is, my entire adult life has been dedicated primarily to women in helping them find love. What do I know today? And how could I put it all in one place?

• 14:02Speaker 01

  And, you know, one of the big, the reason I called this book Love Life is because I believe that there are three relationships that we, that determine the quality of our lives. There's our relationship with other people, our relationship with ourselves, and our relationship with life itself. And those are three relationships you really can't get out of. You know, we don't live on an island, we live amongst other people. We're always gonna be in relationship with ourself until the day we die. And we're always gonna be in a relationship with life until the day we die. And those relationships get very fractured at different times. You know, especially if your relationship with other people is not great right now.

• 14:45Speaker 01

  Or let's say you don't have a romantic relationship, and it's something you deeply, deeply want, then it's quite likely that you're also gonna have a fraught relationship with life. Because if you really, if your dream was to find love and to get married or to have a family of your own, and that didn't happen in the way that you wanted it to, you thought you'd be in a different place in your life right now, this does not match your blueprint for how you thought life would go, then you can start to dislike life, you can even start to hate life, you can also start to hate yourself, because you think there's something wrong with you, I'm broken, you know, I'm never gonna find it. And this book deals with those really difficult questions that people face.

• 15:29Speaker 01

  You know, what do I do when my life didn't, didn't pan out by today the way I wanted it to? What do I do when I feel like, because of the years that this hasn't worked out for me? Or maybe it did seem like it was working out, and then somebody left? You know, or they turned around and said they didn't want a family after all. And now this person I've been with for years, I feel like I'm having, I've left because there's some vital part of me that wants to be expressed in having a child, but this person didn't want that with me. What do I do? What do I do when I feel like I'm getting older every year, and the number of people that are available to me seems to be dwindling, or I'm increasingly feeling invisible? My friends are all pairing off, or have already paired off?

• 16:14Speaker 01

  And, you know, I feel like I'm the only one left at the party.

• 16:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:18Speaker 01

  How do I cope with those feelings? And even if I can cope with the egoic elements of those feelings, which are that, you know, I feel like a bit of a spare wheel with my friends who are all in couples, or I feel like, you know, my family at the Thanksgiving table wants me to find love and I haven't, or that I feel strange because I'm at this age and I haven't found love. Even if I can deal with all of those outward facing concerns about what people think, how do I deal with the internal chronic pain that can come from loneliness? How do I cope when it feels like there is an absence at the heart of life for me?

• 17:03Speaker 01

  These are big questions. And these are the kinds of questions that this book attempts to deal with for people.

• 17:10Speaker 00

  So I feel like after fifteen years, you have literally heard, I'm sure, just about every single situation. I think, I was so excited to have you on the podcast, because it's not just for, so many of the single friends I have right now are people who are just going through divorce, because, you know, I've reached a certain age of your life, and people are either finding them on like a second marriage, or maybe still haven't found someone, and they're just starting to feel a little desperate or scared. So for you working with all of these different people, where does someone like that start? If they're starting to get those feelings of like, oh my gosh, like, this is not looking good? And you, you listen to the stories of the dating world is so hard, and it's so hard

• 17:55Speaker 00

  to find someone, especially if you're older. Where does somebody start even just dealing internally? Like, do we work on ourselves first? Or what does that look like?

• 18:04Speaker 01

  I think that there's this conception that we, you know, we have to make ourselves ready, and we have to do the work first before we go out there and find someone. And I, I've always found that to be almost a slightly righteous idea, that is often in some way put forward by people who have already found love, who are in relationships, and certainly weren't enlightened and had it all figured out at the time they met their partner.

• 18:34Speaker 00

  I'm like, thinking, I'm like, you're right, I was like a mess when I met my husband, like a mess.

• 18:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:39Speaker 00

  And we sorted it out together, so.

• 18:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 18:42Speaker 00

  And it worked out.

• 18:43Speaker 01

  But that, we sorted it out together is very powerful, because, you know, and I'll come back to your question, but I almost wanna create a pressure valve for people who feel like, I keep being told that I've gotta go work on myself, and I've gotta make, you know, get to a point where I'm ready and I'm. And we all come to our love lives with scars and some kind of baggage, some kind of healing we haven't done. And I think the right partner is the person we heal with. We don't heal before we get there, entirely at least.

• 19:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:14Speaker 01

  You know, we, we find someone who's good at handling us, someone we're good at handling, or at the very least, two people who are capable or patient enough to handle each other. And then you have a chance at healing together, especially if you're with someone who accepts you. Especially if you're with someone who offers that latitude for your darker sides, your more difficult sides, your more flawed sides. That's a very healing.

• 19:43Speaker 00

  Very true.

• 19:43Speaker 01

  Experience, you know, you learn. Look, the game for all of us in life, I think, is to, is to find a level of acceptance within ourselves, where we have accepted who we are, who we've been.

• 20:02Speaker 01

  What caused us in life to be that? Even in our moments of greatest shame or regret. What was going on with me? That that brought out that action, that behavior, that decision that I now regret or feel deep shame over? What was going on there? There was something going on. It wasn't out of nowhere. And I was, you know, I think we're all doing the best we can at any given time, even if our best is awful or terrible or causes great pain to others. I think that we're doing the best we can with the tools and the resources and the learnings that we had. And I think the game is to get to a level of acceptance where we can find compassion

• 20:47Speaker 01

  for ourselves in all of that. And that's an internal game, but sometimes finding someone in life who models that kind of acceptance for you, whether it's a friend, a family member, a therapist, a partner, it becomes a kind of external representation of the internal place that we're trying to reach and can reach. It just models it from the outside. We don't, ideally, what we don't want to do is wait for that kind of acceptance from the outside because you never know when it's going to come. I got very lucky in a sense that my wife Audrey modeled that kind of acceptance for me early on that allowed me to feel like I could be more of myself around her.

• 21:30Speaker 01

  And by the way, that was for me a cue to, that was a kind of green light to keep going. It was this, oh, I feel at home with this person. I feel I could, this person makes me more of myself, not less of myself. And that became a real green light for me. And I hope that more of us can use those things as green lights as opposed to the green light is this person is hot and cold and it makes me want them even more. Or this person is, is, you know, making me feel anxious and that must, that kind of feels like passion and I really want to get this person. And I think we use the wrong things for green lights. And we, as my wife Audrey says, we chase the wrong things, thinking they're going to make us happy.

• 22:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:08Speaker 01

  So I think a huge part of it is learning to chase the right things. To come back to that question of where does someone start? I think it is a place of compassion for yourself that, you know, there's a reason that you're in this place you're in right now. You have had experiences in your life that have, in your own ways, made it hard for you. Now, those could be experiences from childhood that have meant that you've had a more difficult go of it. Because the love you received, the kind of love you received or the love you didn't

• 22:47Speaker 01

  receive, has predisposed you or your nervous system to a certain, to being attracted to the wrong things.

• 22:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:56Speaker 01

  Or to things that continuously hurt you. You know, my friend, Dr. Romany, in her book, talks about the, it's not you, her book is called, she talks about the happy family vulnerability that for some people, because they're from a happy family, when they come across a narcissistic person, they, they can't spot it. It's like an animal in the wild, they don't recognize.

• 23:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:14Speaker 01

  And then they end up in a deeply painful and abusive relationship for many years that changes them. It changes their confidence.

• 23:23Speaker 00

  Interesting.

• 23:24Speaker 01

  Makes them lose themselves. And there's a lot of rebuilding that has to get done after that. And if you're a victim in a situation like that, then you've had a harder go of it than certain other people. But even that idea that you've had a harder go of it, we have to remind ourselves that, you know, I don't know, someone's 55 and they find themselves back out there again after a divorce and they have a story around that, like, and let's say part of the story is that I'm behind. Well, behind who? There are people that are married today who you're comparing yourself to, who may not be married in five years.

• 24:04Speaker 00

  So you're actually ahead because they're about to get divorced.

• 24:07Speaker 01

  If you look at it that way.

• 24:10Speaker 00

  It's true.

• 24:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, you've got, you've got five years head start on finding love after this person even knows that they're, you know, not going to be married anymore. It's a weird thing, this ahead behind game that we play. You know, I, I really loved Anthony Bourdain. You know, I, I used to watch Parts Unknown all the time and the more I learned about Anthony Bourdain, that was kind of inspired by the fact that he never, he didn't, he was still broke working in a kitchen, I think in his early 40s. And then he got a book deal, actually funny connection, got my publisher, Karen Rinaldi at Harper Collins, she wasn't at Harper then, but she was the one who gave him his first book deal for Kitchen Confidential. And I think he was 43 at the time.

• 24:56Speaker 01

  And for many people, they would say, oh, that feels like that's, you know, I would have to have my big break earlier than that. But he was 43 and then didn't go on to become the rock star that so many people knew him as in Parts Unknown until his 50s. And, you know, I do Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. He started Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, I think, when he was like 58.

• 25:18Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 25:19Speaker 01

  Started and went on to get his blue belt. And I looked at all these things as this incredible inspiration for so many people and myself who may have at some point felt like, oh, I'm still behind, I haven't done that, I haven't done that. And I looked at him as this example of someone who had a growth spurt later in life. And then, of course, you know, we all know the story, he took his life. And, and was he ahead at that point? You know, clearly there was a lot happening for him that made it feel like living was intolerable. And I don't know this, you know, I can't know what was going on in his mind at the time, but it must have been an extraordinary amount of pain. And yet there will have been so many people looking at him in that moment saying, he's

• 26:03Speaker 01

  ahead, you know, he's a rock star, he's got everything anyone could ever want. And, and I think we play this game in love too. And we're constantly looking at other people and what they have. We don't know what's going on with other people. We don't know what the inner workings of their relationship are. I know many people who are more successful the day they leave a relationship. And I get as excited by the people who come up to me in the street and say, I left someone because of you, as I do the people that come up to me and say, I found someone because of you. Because I know if you leave the wrong person, that can be life-saving.

• 26:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:38Speaker 01

  Let alone time-saving. So I think the first thing is to start to detach from the story that is making this way more painful than perhaps it needs to be. In the book, I talk about my relationship with chronic physical pain because in my late twenties, I developed a ringing in my ears that was very loud and didn't go away, tinnitus. And on top of that, I developed pain in my head and my ear that really affected my life to the point where I couldn't see a way forward. I was like, I don't, this is, it didn't make me miserable over weeks or months, it stayed for years.

• 27:17Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 27:18Speaker 01

  And, you know, five years into a pain like that, you identify with it. And you're just like, this is my lot and I'm never going to get over this. And what am I going to do? I'm, I can't do this for another 50 years. And I know so many people have that experience with physical chronic pain, but emotional chronic pain has a similar

• 27:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:38Speaker 01

  kind of structure and resonance because when you feel like you are always lonely and you're chronically lonely, or when you feel like you're chronically anxious or chronically depressed, you don't just feel the pain of the thing. Your pain is made worse by your relationship with that pain. You have a relationship with it.

• 28:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:01Speaker 01

  And, and that relationship is the thing that ends up making life feel really intolerable. My relationship with my chronic pain was that it made me unattractive, it made me weak, it made me unable to achieve things because it was just took up, took up all of my focus. And if I didn't achieve things, then I wouldn't be loved or I wouldn't be worthy. And it would never go away. And if it never goes away, I'll never be able to be happy again. And so I had this whole relationship with that suffering and it made it so much worse.

• 28:40Speaker 01

  And what I learned is if I can take control of that relationship, then the suffering itself actually massively lessens. And that was what happened for me. When I realized I couldn't change my physical pain or that it didn't, I tried everything and nothing made it go away. I went into a place of let me change my relationship with this thing. And by changing my relationship with it, it started to decrease. The same can be true in our love lives. When you find yourself at a certain point in life where you're back out there again and you didn't think you would be, you're going to experience all sorts of pain. Now, some of that pain is gonna, it's, you're gonna feel it physically.

• 29:25Speaker 01

  You're gonna feel a loneliness or you're gonna feel heartbreak. Now, in a heartbreak, you feel physical pain. But what makes that physical pain intolerable is the story that goes with it. I'm never going to find anyone like that again. I'm never going to be this happy or as happy as I was.

• 29:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:45Speaker 01

  Again, I'm too old now, so no one's going to want me. I'm going to be invisible to people. I'm, there's all of that story. And the story is what turns the physical pain into something unbearable. But the story is the part that we can actually change. When you feel, when you lay in bed at night and you feel heartbroken, you feel a sensation. You might feel it in your throat, you might feel it in your chest, you might feel it in your stomach.

• 30:14Speaker 01

  But if a sensation is just a sensation, like any other sensation, if a bee came and stung us right now, we wouldn't have a load of story to go with it that made it intolerable. It would be painful, but you'd go, oh my God, a bee stung me. That's so unfortunate.

• 30:28Speaker 00

  A bee doesn't like me.

• 30:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, you wouldn't be like, I can't believe I was.

• 30:31Speaker 00

  I knew bees don't like me.

• 30:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, or I was, I'm so stupid. Why was I sitting in this part of the room where a bee could easily access me? And like, I'm such an idiot. This is what I always do in my life. I always like, we wouldn't have that story. You just go, the bee stung me, it hurt. That's annoying for me. You might even feel some compassion for yourself, like this sucks. I got stung. But in a breakup, or in a heartbreak, or in a being lonely again at a certain point of our lives, we don't just have the sensation, we have the story, and the story makes us so unhappy. So what my, my, this is a roundabout way of saying that in answer to your question, when someone gets themselves, when they're in that situation, look at the story that you're telling yourself around this right

• 31:15Speaker 01

  now. And when you realize that that story is the part that you can actually change or see differently, and you can start to just look at the sensation in your body as something that can be treated separate to the story, by the way that you show up for yourself, or the way that you breathe, or the way that you regulate your nervous system right now, then it, it starts to become something you feel like you have an awful lot of control over. And I would say that's something you can do before you ever worry about getting out there again, or, or dating again, anything like that.

• 31:50Speaker 00

  This is so great because it's so similar to, if, if anyone's not necessarily in the dating pool right now, this is so similar to friendships and literally what I had to do before I could even gain female friends. I made all my friends more in my like, early thirties, like all of my really good girlfriends. And so many people look at me and they're like, oh, I'm so jealous of your girlfriends. I'm like, I just got these like not that long ago. But I had to change my story. I had such a painful, negative story around female friendships. And so I carried that into every single encounter with a woman. I was like, well, I'm more of a, I'm more of a guys girl because they're not catty. They don't, you know, use things against you. I feel like if I'm vulnerable, that's just going to be used against me for later. So I would always have a wall up. And so

• 32:34Speaker 00

  I just carried this story over and over until one day I had to learn, I have to view this in a different way in order to like even be open to anybody, because all I would do is put that story on every single person, whether they were amazing, they wanted to be friends, they could have been my best friends, but I just, I couldn't see past. I couldn't let that guard down.

• 32:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, there's a, there's a, such a great example. I'm so glad you said it. There's a, a chapter in the book called Never Satisfied. And I talk about the challenge of us feeling like when we're never happy, we always, we are, you know, in love, we either go for the exciting person who feels like they hurt us, or we find someone who doesn't hurt us, but we're not excited by them.

• 33:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:22Speaker 01

  And that kind of pattern that we're constantly finding ourselves in. And I talk about this idea of never satisfied. And the feeling of never being satisfied often has us chasing the wrong things. And I break down the reasons why we do that and what's going on with us. But one of the things I talk about is this idea of staring at the wall, that when, when we have had an experience over and over and over again in our lives, it's the, you know, we've probably all heard some version of the self-development analogy of, you know, the race car driver being asked, what's the key to driving that fast and not crashing? And they say, don't look at the wall. Because if you look at the wall,

• 34:02Speaker 01

  the car's going to go straight to it. Well, in life, we all have our wall. What, for you, it was that if I make female friends, they're going to turn on me at some point, and they're going to use information against me. And ultimately, they're going to capitalize on that and they're going to hurt me. I can't trust them. And so of course, when that's your wall, you, you look for it everywhere. And I tell a story in the book of, you know, my wall, growing up around kind of, hmm, either the threat of confrontation or violence,

• 34:41Speaker 01

  or the reality of it, and, and making me very hypervigilant to bad types. And, you know, being in a bar in Japan with my brothers, where everyone was just having a good time, and me ending up kind of attracting a confrontation with someone who I thought was looking at my brother, and continuously seeing him look at my brother, look at my brother, look at my brother. And because that's my wall, you know, my wall is we're not safe.

• 35:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:10Speaker 01

  We're not safe. And there's danger in every room, and we have to be constantly looking for it and hypervigilant. And, you know, for me that night, it made me see this person and think this person's about to harm my brother. I need to go over there and do something first. And, you know, I luckily never turned into a fight because someone came and, you know, separated the two of us. But I remember going over there and kind of essentially precipitating the very thing I want the least.

• 35:42Speaker 00

  Right.

• 35:43Speaker 01

  You know what I mean? There's, there's nothing I want more than a peaceful, fun time with the people I love. And my fear that we're not going to have that, because there's some sort of threat of violence or danger in the room, is what makes me actually attract it and precipitate that. And if you're looking for the wall, you'll find it wherever you are. You'll find the woman that betrays you.

• 36:05Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 36:06Speaker 01

  And it'll become the evidence. And at a certain point, we've focused on the wall for so long that we don't even realize it's a wall anymore. We just think it's the world.

• 36:14Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 36:15Speaker 01

  And for me, I, I had to realize, oh, there are other realities than the one that I have told myself is the world. I grew up distrusting people a lot in, in a, in a perhaps a slightly different way to you, but I grew up with real trust. I didn't really realize they were trust issues at the time, because when you're looking at the wall, you don't realize it's the wall.

• 36:39Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, you think this is, yeah, you're like looking out for yourself.

• 36:41Speaker 01

  I don't have trust issues. It's that you, you know, everyone has an agenda.

• 36:43Speaker 00

  Exactly. Totally.

• 36:45Speaker 01

  And I, I had to make friends with people. And one thing I've been good at in my life is paying attention to other people and what they're doing differently. And I had to make friends who I realized didn't not trust in the way that I didn't trust. You know, our mutual friends, Louis, friend Louis Howes. I, I would be around him in the early days of knowing him, and I would see him doing things for people that I would be too distrusting to do for people. And, and I would almost get curious about that. And I would go, Louis, when you do that for someone, are you not worried that they're going to take advantage? Or that they're going to, you know, not give and just take and take and take? And because

• 37:30Speaker 01

  that had been my experience in life, is that people will just take. And they'll take until you've got nothing left and that you're burnt out and you're, and so I would ask him those questions and I'd see a different belief system than the one I have. You know, I might hear him say, well, you know, you, yeah, there's always the possibility of that, but I get more by giving. Or, you know, if I notice that, then I just, you know, I steer more of my attention and generosity towards the people in my life that are reciprocal relationships. But I also make peace with the fact that, okay, that was a situation where I gave more than I got, and that's okay. You know, it's like, I would realize like, oh, there's a different way of thinking here.

• 38:05Speaker 00

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• 38:50Speaker 00

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• 39:31Speaker 00

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• 40:15Speaker 00

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• 40:56Speaker 00

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• 41:41Speaker 00

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• 42:19Speaker 01

  And he's not obsessing over this in the way that I might obsess over this or whatever. And that was very powerful for me because I went, oh, there's other, there are other ways to live. And especially when you see other people living in those ways and it's working for them. You know, you go, well, maybe I don't want to be my way anymore. Maybe it's not serving me. And I have found the most powerful thing in the bridge between where we are now, look, staring at our wall, making our wall the world, and a different kind of life is curiosity.

• 42:55Speaker 01

  It's not, I don't think it's belief. The self-development world is often kind of obsessed with the idea of just believing. If you could just believe, then, I don't know, I've never been able to do that.

• 43:09Speaker 00

  Just go into it, yeah.

• 43:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, I've never been able to just believe that something is possible for me that I've never had or never experienced or don't have any reference points for. That idea of just believing has always left me feeling incredibly inadequate because I go, wow, other people must just be better at believing because that's not possible for me. But curiosity for me became the gateway to belief because curiosity would make me observe other people and life and see that there are other ways of being. You might have observed that there do seem to be women who have really beautiful female relationships.

• 43:45Speaker 00

  Very similar story, just, yeah.

• 43:47Speaker 01

  And what is that? And, and, and, okay, I'm not there, but, and it's not been my reality, but what is going on there? There seems to be another reality. And, and then when you do that, you do things a little different. You might say, okay, I'm just going to experiment. If I'm being curious, I might not know the way to do that, but I might just experiment with some different ways of being. It's the same in, in our love lives when we're dating. I had a woman who I coached that she was dating a guy and it was going really well. And I tell this story in the book. And she really liked him. And then one day, he had a barbecue with his friends. This was early on. He had a barbecue with his friends and he didn't invite her.

• 44:31Speaker 01

  And she was, it triggered everything for her. The wall for her was like, you know, it was abandonment, it was rejection.

• 44:41Speaker 00

  Like, I'm not good enough to be around your friends.

• 44:43Speaker 01

  Exactly. And so when she didn't get invited to this barbecue, she sent him a message in the middle of it and said, why didn't you invite me?

• 44:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:53Speaker 01

  Right? So already there's an energy there that she's bringing to it. And he said, oh my God, I'm so sorry. You know, the truth is, I just haven't seen these friends in a while. Really excited to see them and get some quality time with them, but can I call you tonight? And she wrote back, don't bother.

• 45:12Speaker 01

  Now, she had a right to be hurt that she wasn't invited. But the way that, again, this was her wall. The way that she interpreted this meant that she then precipitated the kind of division that she didn't want.

• 45:33Speaker 00

  Right.

• 45:33Speaker 01

  She didn't want to feel separated. She didn't want to feel abandoned. But then she said, don't bother, went straight into this avoidant place.

• 45:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:42Speaker 01

  And then every day he didn't call, she felt validated. You see?

• 45:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:48Speaker 01

  This is exactly what people do. But she had told him not to call.

• 45:52Speaker 00

  And he's like, but I'm doing exactly what you told me to do.

• 45:55Speaker 01

  Yeah. And I, you know, I don't like, and this, and of course, the energy that she's bringing him is a very difficult one at that stage. It's not an energy of vulnerability. Because vulnerability might have been, you know, is probably nothing, but I, I felt hurt that you didn't invite me.

• 46:17Speaker 01

  And it, you know, it made me feel, it made me feel unsafe or it made me feel, it brought up some stuff for me. And, you know, it'd be great to speak to you later, but I just wanted to be honest with you. Or maybe she'd say that when she got on the phone to him. I actually felt a bit hurt earlier. I probably don't have a right to, we're just getting to know each other. I just, you know, I felt that and I wanted to share it with you. That would have offered him a chance to know her better, to have compassion, to maybe even see himself in that. Because maybe there's situations like that where he's felt that in life and he goes, oh, I relate to that feeling. Maybe he sees that and says, that's so interesting.

• 47:00Speaker 01

  The last three people I dated, when they felt like this, they lashed out or they did something spiteful in return, or they went cold on me, or, but this person just brought vulnerability. When he sees that, maybe he sees someone who's unique or different or going to create a better life around with him than the people he's dated in the past. So there's all these different ways that could go. By the way, he could also, she could say that and he could go, yuck.

• 47:36Speaker 00

  Right, totally.

• 47:37Speaker 01

  I don't want that. Like, I want someone who's perfect and doesn't have any of these flaws. And by the way, that would say a lot about him and, you know, the level of growth he's at in his love life. But, so he could have been turned off by that too. It's not that you try something different and it's guaranteed to

• 47:54Speaker 00

  Right.

• 47:54Speaker 01

  get you the result you want, but it's, what it does is it gets you a different result than the one you're used to. And when you get a different result than the one you're used to, you start to develop at the, the, a one foundational belief that I think is actually the gateway belief to all others, which is, oh, there are other ways of living this life than the way I've been living it. There's a different way to play the game. There's a different way to show up. And it creates different realities. And I, it sounds so simple, but there's something mind-blowing in that idea that the reality that we have been living in for so long is not the only reality that is available to us.

• 48:37Speaker 01

  It creates this feeling of expansiveness about life.

• 48:42Speaker 00

  I know, I love that part. And it's hard because you also, it's hard in the best way. Like, you know, if you have that conversation where you're authentically you and you say how you are, I think sometimes it can feel scary because now you're actually being rejected for you and who you are. Like, oh, I got vulnerable with them. I showed them how I really felt or that I didn't want them doing that thing. It really hurt me and they still rejected me. And at least before it was kind of for like, not who I was, or I could put up, you know, something that just felt like I was stronger and they weren't actually hurting me. And I think that's the part that, that's the challenge is like getting through knowing that if you really show yourself, you could really be rejected, but also people can really accept you.

• 49:25Speaker 00

  You can like really find love and you can really find those friendships.

• 49:28Speaker 01

  You find your people.

• 49:29Speaker 00

  You find your people.

• 49:30Speaker 01

  You find your people.

• 49:33Speaker 01

  And you know, I would caution anyone against thinking that your stuff is worse than anyone else's stuff. You know, other people might be less vulnerable about their stuff. They may not talk about it as much, or they may have a great Instagram profile or a great dating profile that puts their best foot forward. But we've all got these things. Everyone, everyone's got things that they're ashamed of. Everyone's got things that they wish they had done differently. You know, we live in a bit of a world of like hashtag no regrets. But you know, David Wyatt, the British poet, said that, you know, if you if you have no regrets, where have you been?

• 50:12Speaker 00

  That's true. That's true.

• 50:14Speaker 01

  You know, you can't live without having some regrets. And by the way, regrets, they're useful. They they inform what you do next. If you don't regret anything, then how do you ever learn anything? So it's, we all have these things. You're not, you're not strange. Everyone thinks they're strange. No, you don't get it. If you really knew.

• 50:34Speaker 00

  If we really.

• 50:35Speaker 01

  If you really knew what I was like, if you really know what went on in my head, if you really knew what I've done in my life, the things I'm ashamed of, you would run for the hills. And it's kind of like, we all think that way, or a huge number of us think that way, and not realizing that everyone else is having the exact same thoughts and experiences of life. And so I think that you're in good company. If you if you feel a little, you know, or are very screwed up, if you feel like there are a ton of things that you you're having to work on, if some part of you suspects or worries you're broken,

• 51:12Speaker 01

  you're in great company. And, and there's something about being real, in in the right cadence, right? It's not like we go, we show up on a first date and we bare our soul in all of these ways, because it's not, it wouldn't be appropriate to do that. We do that with people that we increasingly learn to trust and feel safe with, and we show a little more, and that's rewarded on their side by them also being more vulnerable. And that's how connection is built. But the the ability to do that with people is the route to real connection. And we spend so much time in our love lives, looking to impress instead

• 51:54Speaker 01

  of connect. And that's one of the reasons I think we feel so disconnected all the time. It's one of the reasons why, you know, it's almost like there are, there are different ways that we do this. Some people go on a date constantly looking to show how great they are. This is what I've achieved, and this is who I am, and this is how funny I am, and this is how learned I am, and these are all the books I've read that I can quote and look at me and how many books I've read and how knowledgeable I am. And, you know, that we we constantly, it's like a show and tell of how great we are. And that's a bid for control. If I can feel like I'm powerful and I'm high status, or if I, then I have

• 52:35Speaker 01

  leverage in this situation. And then, you know, people go away and they say, I never really feel, I didn't feel connected to that person, or I felt intimidated by that person. You know, there's a constant, it's okay to intimidate a few people. You're always going to intimidate a few people if you've done anything in life. But if you're intimidating everybody, then there's a pattern there that's worth exploring. Am I just, am I seeking to constantly impress as a bid for control? Or am I really connecting? Another way we don't connect is, you know, through people pleasing, you know, and being passive on a date, or never really offering our opinions, or never really taking the stage on a date

• 53:14Speaker 01

  and talking about, you know, so it's a, it's a problem. But through, through authenticity and being who we really are, that's what makes someone connect with us. There's a book called On Writing Well by William Zinser. And he said, this is where he gives advice to nonfiction writers. And he said that there's a moment when he's reading an article written by somebody where at the beginning, he often finds that there's a kind of desire to impress. The writer is trying to use overly flowery language, clever sentence structure. It's it's a kind of, you know, look how impressive I am as a writer. And he said, somewhere down

• 53:58Speaker 01

  in the article, there'll be a moment where the writer says something authentic, reveals a detail about themselves, or the way that they're thinking, a vulnerability. And in that moment, he sees that and he goes, aha, a human. And he said, the moment where I feel like, aha, a human, that's the moment where I know I'm on, that that writer is on to something.

• 54:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:22Speaker 01

  It's worth us asking ourselves, when we're out there trying to find love, at what point does someone have that moment with me? At what point are they reading the article of my life, my thoughts, me on a date, and suddenly having a detail said that makes them go, aha, a human? And of course, at what point are you feeling that with them? That's where you know you're connecting. So and that connecting comes through in vulnerability and relatability.

• 54:57Speaker 00

  That's so good. I can think of so many conversations, just, I've been with so many different people lately, and there's that moment, they're like, okay, now the conversation doesn't feel forced. It feels like you can connect person to person. You know, when it stops having that pushing energy, and all of a sudden, it just like takes a life of its own. I love, I love that moment. And it's always because they share something.

• 55:16Speaker 01

  They share something. And, and it's, and it's easier to do that when you've accepted those things in yourself.

• 55:23Speaker 00

  That's so true.

• 55:24Speaker 01

  You, you know, if you have not, if there's a part of your story that you have not processed yet, and you feel shame around it, then you're either not going to talk about it, or when you do talk about it, you're going to talk about it through squinted eyes, and almost like that feeling, you know, that you, the other shoe's going to drop once you've said this, and and they're going to look at you differently, and they're going to judge you. But what we're really afraid of is that they're going to learn this thing that you already think about yourself, that I already don't like this about me. And once you know it, you're not going to like it about me. And it's going to validate the fact

• 56:05Speaker 01

  that this is shameful, or ugly, or pathetic, or unlovable. And so that part is where the self acceptance can become really powerful, because it allows you to, it's a way of processing the stories of your life in a way that allows you to come to a place of compassion for yourself, why you did those things, how you arrived in that place, a kind of acceptance that I believe is true, which is that you couldn't have done anything different than you did, that you really were doing the best you could at the time. Maybe your best is better now. But at the time, you were doing the best you could. And the acceptance that

• 56:47Speaker 01

  there have been things that have come out of that, that you wouldn't give up. That, yeah. And, and, and once you've been through that processing, it's kind of a way of rewriting the script and the story of your life through a different lens, a more loving lens, a more compassionate lens. Then you, you no longer say these things in the same way to people. And it's funny, people take their cues from us in life. They learn how to think about something by the way that we say it.

• 57:20Speaker 00

  So true. Yeah.

• 57:21Speaker 01

  There's a, I remember seeing an interview with Daniel Radcliffe. Not that I want to draw any more comparisons between me and Harry Potter, but.

• 57:32Speaker 00

  I'm like, now you know, I can't see why.

• 57:36Speaker 01

  I'm not doing myself any favors here. And there's a story of, he tells of him, I think it was going to Japan to promote one of the movies in the height of the Harry Potter hysteria. And there was a giant crowd there, far bigger than anyone anticipated. And they hadn't brought enough security. And he was with his parents. And he describes this very scary experience of having to move through this crowd and get to their car. And it being something that's potentially quite harrowing. And then the car doors closed, and he sat with his parents. And he said, he looked at them, almost waiting to see

• 58:20Speaker 01

  how he should react. And then he said, my parents burst out laughing. And he said, when they burst out laughing, I started laughing. And then we all laughed together. He said that was a very instructive experience for me, because had my parents freaked out, had they been afraid, had they, you know, gone a different direction with that, it might have changed the way I saw the whole thing. But when they laughed, I laughed, and it became this funny situation. I had two women take my program many years ago. And this was back in the days. Now, we, you know, when we do an event, it's a lot of people.

• 59:02Speaker 01

  But this was back in the days where it was like a kind of weekend style bootcamp almost. And we'd take people out and get them to actually like, practice talking to people. And these two women had both been out the night before. And the next day, they, they came in, and one of them said, you know, it was a lot of fun, but I had a really hard time with something. I said, what's that? She said, well, I have kids. And it never left my mind, like, how do I talk about the fact that I have kids? As if she had like Darth Vader waiting at home for any guy that would come over, you know, it was like, but

• 59:42Speaker 01

  to her, it was, it was baggage. She said, how do I talk about it? Two or three people later, a woman put her hand up, and she said, I don't have a question. I just want to tell my story. I started talking to this guy, and ended up exchanging numbers, and it was a great experience. And the whole crowd applauded. And she was, I was like, so what happened? She said, I went over to the guy, and I said, he had a chin dimple. She said, your chin dimple is like, really adorable. She said, it's not quite as adorable as my daughter's cheek dimples, but it's adorable.

• 1:00:20Speaker 01

  And it was this fascinating moment where she, she didn't even realize, she wasn't saying it as an example of I did it differently.

• 1:00:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:31Speaker 01

  She didn't realize there was a connection between what she had done and what the other woman had asked. But one woman said, how do I bring up the fact that I have kids?

• 1:00:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:42Speaker 01

  And the other woman mentioned her daughter in the first sentence of speaking to someone, not in the context of saying, I have a daughter, but in the context of flirting.

• 1:00:57Speaker 01

  She said, your chin dimple is adorable, but not quite as adorable as my daughter's cheek dimples. She had communicated that she had a family in a way that she was actually flirting. One of them signaled, I can guarantee you, if she brought up her kids, the former woman, if she brought up her kids, it would immediately, even if, even if he was questioning, should this be a big deal to me? It would immediately become likely a big deal to him because of the way that she had internalized it.

• 1:01:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:26Speaker 01

  The other woman, she was sending a very clear message that this is just part of my life. And what he was more focused on was her energy, her charisma and her, her kind of fun flirtatious way than the detail that she had just given, which it was quite clear wasn't baggage to her. So that's, you know, it would be worth everyone listening to this or watching this, asking themselves, what's the thing that I have told myself is going to make me unlovable? If someone learns it?

• 1:02:02Speaker 01

  If, and that's usually the thing we keep locked up in a cage and we don't go there. And we try to fracture ourselves in a sense, so that we can be this other person in the daylight and then we could go home and feel our shame on our own at night. And God forbid anyone ever come to that room at night and learn these parts of us. Some of the most beautiful and impactful work we can do is to go towards those things and to start to change the narrative that we have around them and the acceptance we have around them. Cause if we can do that, the things you once thought were baggage can not only be not important, they might actually end up being the reason that someone falls in love with you as deeply as they do.

• 1:02:47Speaker 00

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• 1:03:31Speaker 00

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• 1:04:13Speaker 00

  When I launched Glossy, my drinkable skincare brand, I was obsessed with the formula. The product was my baby, but the store part felt way more intimidating. And that's a big reason we built on Shopify in the beginning, because you really don't have to be an e-commerce expert to get up and running. And that's a big deal in the beginning of a business. And here's the biggest lesson I learned about the holidays. You do not want to be building your store in the middle of the rush. You want to be set up, you want to be tested and ready before the traffic hits. So two things I love. First Shopify mobile app. I'm on planes, I'm on stages, I'm here recording with you and I can still check my inventory, help a customer, see payments right from my phone, which is so much fun. And that's the second day checkout.

• 1:04:57Speaker 00

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• 1:05:37Speaker 00

  There was a stretch in my early twenties when I was chipping away at credit card debt and it honestly felt like it was never going to end. I'd make a payment, I would feel good for a day and then I'd look at the balance and feel like I did nothing. And what changed everything was finally seeing a finish line. That's why I love Monarch's debt pay down simulator and visualizer. It shows your exact debt free date based on your real balance and payments. And you get to watch that timeline move. Every extra payment, the date gets closer. That kind of visible progress keeps you going. And my favorite part is playing out your options. You can run different payment scenarios side by side and instantly see which one gets

• 1:06:21Speaker 00

  you debt free the fastest. You're in control of the plan. Monarch takes that heavy endless feeling and turns it into a plan with an actual end date. And a quick check in on my phone means I always know where my money is. Going from this will never end to a date you can circle on the calendar. That feels like freedom. Write your own money story with Monarch. Use code E Y H at monarch.com to get your first year of Monarch Core half off at just $50. That's 50% off your first year at monarch.com with code E Y H. That's so true. I love hearing that. I, it's like, I can think of all of these stories that used to stop me, whether it

• 1:07:03Speaker 00

  was in, um, you know, wanting, I'm sure you can think of this, when you wanted to go out in the world and share your own story, you have all of these ideas of why you're not going to be lovable.

• 1:07:12Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 1:07:14Speaker 00

  It's so crazy to think some of those stories are probably things that inspire people now in your life. Like I, I didn't graduate high school and I hadn't told anyone until like three years ago. I even took me two years after we were married to tell my husband. And now that's something that so many, like so many people relate to me and they're like, oh my God, this is so much freedom because I didn't either. Like I had no idea. The thing that would be is the most shameful is something that people actually love about my story now. And it's giving them permission. And this is in everything that we do in all of our lives. So most likely the thing that someone is sitting there so afraid of is going to free someone, or you're going to connect, or you're going to gain a best friend, or you're going to gain, you know, a partner or whatever that looks like.

• 1:07:55Speaker 01

  And, and, and you're going to turn off the people that

• 1:07:59Speaker 00

  Totally.

• 1:08:00Speaker 01

  don't get you. And that's okay too, that there are going to be people who don't get you.

• 1:08:04Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:08:05Speaker 01

  Not everyone has to get you. Life isn't a popularity contest. It's not about finding as, collecting as many people as possible. It's who gets you? And not everyone will get you. It's not everyone's job to get you. It's not everyone's job either to even forgive you for things that you feel like need forgiving. It's, you know, to, there are people in life that we, that we hurt and it's not their job to forgive us. It's our job to forgive ourselves and to find new people or to find other people who can view us holistically because they weren't maybe so in the firing line of a previous version of ourselves. You know, so it's, it, it, even that can be a liberating thing.

• 1:08:49Speaker 00

  That.

• 1:08:49Speaker 01

  To go, not, not everyone has to get me. Not everyone has to be okay with everything about my life. But I, I'm looking for the people that are, I'm looking for the people that see how far I've come. I'm looking for the people that can view me holistically in light of my life and what they know, which is the, are only things they know if I tell them and if I share them. And this is an, this is an ongoing thing. I, I wouldn't want to give anyone the impression that I've done all of this for myself. I am recontextualizing my own stories in real time right now. There are many stories that I tell that have been a huge sigh of relief because I go, oh, I was able to share that. And everyone didn't hate me for it.

• 1:09:34Speaker 01

  You know, some people judged me and that's fine. And then other people felt even more connected to me, or I was able to help people even more as a result of saying that. And there are, there are other parts that I'm still contextualizing. I'm still on the road to going, oh, I, I still feel shame around that, or I still am holding on to something around that. I need to, I need to go towards that. And I need to start to view myself more holistically in light of that and more compassionately. And if I can do that, then it becomes this new thing that I can share without the fear of

• 1:10:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:11Speaker 01

  someone coming along and confer it, confirming that this makes me unlovable because I've already found myself lovable with this.

• 1:10:18Speaker 00

  That's true.

• 1:10:19Speaker 01

  I've found, I've found, I've managed to come to a place where I find myself lovable with this thing. And, and now I don't need the world to find it as lovable as maybe I, I needed to when I was hoping that they would validate that I was, you know, not a terrible person or not unworthy in light of this detail.

• 1:10:41Speaker 00

  So what are we going to get out of the book? Like what, what are you hoping when you were writing this? People would ultimately feel, because you've poured your, I mean, it's been 10 years since your last book. You poured all of your lessons. You're now a totally different person. You're in a totally different place, relationship, all of the things. What are you hoping? Like who is this for? And what are you hoping people get out of it?

• 1:11:05Speaker 01

  Great questions. Who's it for? It's for anyone who wants to find love. First and foremost, if, if you want to find love, I think this book is a wonderful, wonderful resource. And I hope it becomes an indispensable resource for people. I hope it gets passed between people who are in different stages of finding love. And whether it's finding love, you know, in their romantic lives or finding love for themselves again, or some combination of the two. I hope it, so it's for anyone who's trying to find love. It's for anyone who feels like. You know, they don't know what's holding them back.

• 1:11:48Speaker 01

  Or they don't know why it keeps not happening the way that they want it to. And they want to understand what maybe the deeper reasons are that you can't get from just looking for some dating advice. Or you can't get just from asking a friend what's happening. They're more nuanced answers and they're more deeper answers. It's for anyone who's struggling with their story around their love life. You know, many people have a story. I'm always the woman before the woman that they marry. I'm, you know, always the friend and never the leading role. I'm, you know, they always, they never commit to me. I'm always the person that they date and have fun with, but never commit to.

• 1:12:31Speaker 01

  Or, you know, or I never get past the second date. You know, whatever it may be, we have a story. I'm too old. I'm invisible now. No one's going to want me. I, th- this book is a great place to come. If you've got a story that you've developed over time that has now become your enemy in this area. And it's also for people who are struggling with the feelings of loneliness and unworthiness that come about when you're looking for love. You know, I really want to, there's a lot of shame around looking for love. And a lot of feeling judged.

• 1:13:13Speaker 01

  Like, this is the thing, for many people, it's the thing they want more than anything in this world. They want it more than they want money. They want it more than they want a thriving career. They, and they don't want to admit that to the world. It's easier to focus on the other things. No one judges you for going after your career aggressively. But the moment you say, I really want to find love and you start to go after that aggressively, people start to look at you like you're desperate.

• 1:13:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:13:41Speaker 01

  And, oh, you need to just chill out and let it happen to you. It will happen when the time is right. It will happen, you know, when you least expect it. And you kind of get shamed by a lot of people for looking for love, which is absurd. Because love is this thing that is beautiful, whatever form it comes in, whether it comes in the form of friendship or family, or whether it comes in the form of a romantic partner. You know, love is, for me, I don't think there's anything more important. I know if my career went down the pan, if everyone decided that they didn't want to hear from me anymore, I would have the people I love in this world.

• 1:14:17Speaker 00

  Totally.

• 1:14:18Speaker 01

  That's what I would go back to. What could be more important than that? I need food and I need love.

• 1:14:23Speaker 00

  That's true.

• 1:14:24Speaker 01

  Food, air and love, you know? And it's like, and then for the people that feel like they're not finding it, they get increasingly more scared. Because every disappointment, every ghosting, every flake, every non-committal person who ends up breaking their heart, every time they get cheated on is just another confirmation that it's not happening for me. And that maybe it will never happen for me. And if it never happens for me, one of my greatest life goals won't be realized and I'll, and I'll be sad for the rest of my life. I had a woman who said to me, Matthew, she, this was the question she led with. I get goosebumps as I say it.

• 1:15:06Speaker 01

  She said, I need to kill my desire to find someone. Because it's not happened for me. And if it never happens for me, but I hold on to this desire, I'm going to be sad for the rest of my life. So the only way for me to be happy, I believe, is to kill my desire to want someone. Who could hear that and not feel a sense of heartbreak for the person who has arrived at that conclusion? There is nothing shameful about wanting love. There is nothing shameful about trying to find love.

• 1:15:50Speaker 01

  And I hope that this book creates a place where people who are on that path feel like they're not alone, that there is absolutely no shame in it. And that there are reasons to be optimistic. That it doesn't matter what your story is so far. The past does not have to equal the future in this area. New things are possible. And you might actually be able to find more comfort and peace and even happiness along the way than you felt was possible before reading it. And it's why I was very careful about how I named the subtitle of this book.

• 1:16:33Speaker 01

  How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person and Live Happily No Matter What. That was, those three lines were very, very important to me. They weren't arrived at lightly. You know, raising our standards means recognizing that our needs have to be more important than the target of our affections or desire. Too many people have that the other way around. It's more important to get the person than it is to have my needs met. And then they find that they get the person and they're deeply, deeply unhappy. That relationship is a kind of hell. And I've been in a relationship like that where it was, I was miserable.

• 1:17:13Speaker 00

  I agree, totally lonely in a relationship.

• 1:17:15Speaker 01

  I was lonely. I was in excruciating anxiety day after day, where I didn't feel good enough. I didn't feel my needs were met. And, you know, I remember a friend of mine leaving a lunch with me who hadn't seen me in a long time. And they said, they didn't tell me this until after the relationship, but they said, I saw you that day and I realized, oh, he is not happy. But my mind was so focused on trying to hold on to something that I thought I wanted, that I thought would make me happy, that I didn't realize how miserable I was. And that was because I put a person before I put my own needs. So raising your standards means flipping that on its head and saying, my needs come before the person. And they have to, because if I get the person, but my needs aren't met,

• 1:18:00Speaker 01

  the person becomes worthless to me.

• 1:18:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's true.

• 1:18:02Speaker 01

  I'm miserable. So how to raise your standards, find your person, because I don't believe there's one person. I believe it's finding our person. And our person is the person that wants to build with us. It's not just someone we think is awesome. It's someone that actually wants to build with us. The right person is both right and ready. They want the same things as us. And our person isn't perfect, but they're great at handling us and we're great at handling them. We build something beautiful together. And then, you know, live happily no matter what. Because I really, I really believe that happiness can be found on the path. And that's not me saying, learn to be happy by yourself. It's, it's actually subtly different. It's learning to be happy enough.

• 1:18:47Speaker 01

  Happy enough is a, is one of my favorite phrases. And me 10 years ago probably would have looked at that like with a Taipei mindset and said, that's settling by another name. But these days, I don't believe that at all. I think happy enough is a superpower. Because when you're happy enough, and happy enough says that if I, if nothing changed from the way my life is today, I will be fine. And when you have that, you can say no to the wrong behaviors, the wrong people. Happy enough is like the basis of having standards. Because you realize I'm happy enough. You can even acknowledge that I would be happier

• 1:19:30Speaker 01

  if I found an amazing person to share my life with. But I'm happy enough even if I don't. And I show people in this book how they can reach a point of being happy enough that will become your ultimate power in finding love. Because to me, one of the master keys of, of finding love is loving your life. And, and loving yourself and being happy enough even before you've found it.

• 1:19:56Speaker 00

  Well, this was so good. I just slipped into a little vortex with you. And honestly, it doesn't matter if you are dating, looking for love. Everything that you said resonates with me deeply because it is loving who you are and it affects and impacts all of your relationships. So I'm so grateful for you coming on the show. Thank you so much.

• 1:20:18Speaker 01

  Thank you. And for, for anyone out there, I'll say this. I have really, I've spent a lot of time with people in all different phases of their life in this area. And there are going to be chapters in here. That, this is, this is one of those books where you could buy it for a single chapter that I believe is going to change your life. You know, we have a chapter on the question of having a child. And all of the experiences people have that make them make bad choices in dating because they're in a rush to create a biological family.

• 1:20:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:20:49Speaker 01

  And how do you deal with that when you feel like you're in a rush, but you're not meeting anyone? So there's a whole chapter on that. There's a whole chapter called How to Leave When You Can't Seem to Leave, which is aimed at narcissistic relationships or abusive relationships. That you, you know, this chapter is designed to be the thing that someone can read that will give them the strength and the courage to actually leave a situation. So if you're even thinking about that for yourself, get the book just for that chapter. There's a whole section on the book for confidence that anyone who's not even looking for love could just take on its own as a, as a model for becoming a more confident person in their lives. So it's, it really is a book that's designed to, you know, there's a whole book on, a whole chapter on heartbreak and how to overcome heartbreak.

• 1:21:33Speaker 01

  It, I think there's something for everyone in here. And anyone who's thinking this would be just a book for someone finding love, it's certainly the number one audience for this is going to be people who are looking for love. But it, I think is going to find a huge outside audience of people who want to be happier, more confident, and also be capable of having hard conversations with other people in life, which is another huge section of the book.

• 1:21:57Speaker 00

  That's a whole other book.

• 1:21:59Speaker 01

  I know, I know.

• 1:21:59Speaker 00

  I could talk to that one all day long. So grateful for you again. Where's the best spot for us to go grab your book?

• 1:22:06Speaker 01

  So the best spot would be love life book.com. And you can still order it from wherever you want, whether it's Amazon or Barnes and Noble or any of your local bookstores.

• 1:22:14Speaker 00

  You guys, go grab the book. All you have to do is go down to show notes. You can go and check that all out. Thank you so much for coming on and you guys, so grateful for you as well. And until next time, earn your happy. Bye, everyone.