The 6 Relationship Habits That Help You Fight Less and Love More

Do you find yourself having the same arguments over and over with your partner, family member, friend, or business partner? In this episode, Chris and I share the rules of engagement that have helped us communicate better, resolve conflict faster, and remember we're on the same team during disagreements. We talk about the mindset shifts and tools that can help you move through conflict with less defensiveness, more understanding, and greater empathy. Tune in to learn how to handle conflict in a way that builds more trust, deeper connection, and healthier relationships. Check out our Sponsors: Shopify - Try the ecommerce platform I trust for Glōci. Sign up for your $1/month trial period at http://Shopify.com/happy. Monarch Money - Get your first year of Monarch Core for half off at http://Monarch.com with code EYH. Northwest Registered Agent - Visit http://northwestregisteredagent.com/EarnFree and start using free resources to build something amazing. Fabric - Join the thousands of parents who trust Fabric to help protect their family. Apply today in just minutes at http://meetfabric.com/earn. Indeed - Indeed is giving Earn Your Happy listeners a $75 SPONSORED JOB CREDIT to help get your job the premium status it deserves. Just go to http://Indeed.com/podcast right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on Earn Your Happy. Momentous - If you want to try Momentous Signature Spec Creatine, head to http://livemomentous.com and use code EARN for up to 35% off your entire first order. Brevo - Meet Brevo…the all-in-one marketing and CRM platform built to help you connect with customers, boost engagement, and grow your business smarter. Get started for free today—or use code HAPPY50 to save 50% on Starter and Standard Plans for the first three months of an annual subscription. Just head to http://www.brevo.com/happy HIGHLIGHTS The "1 to 10" scale that helps end unnecessary arguments. Why taking a pause can completely change the outcome of a conflict. How the "same team" mindset strengthens every relationship. The question that helps you understand instead of criticize. Why ownership statements are more effective than blame. The 5-minute listening exercise that helps both people feel heard. RESOURCES Apply for the Elite Entrepreneur Mastermind HERE! Get on the waitlist for Mentor Collective Mastermind HERE! Try glōci for 40% off your first order with code HAPPY at checkout - head to getgloci.com FOLLOW Follow me: @loriharder Follow Chris: @chriswharder Follow glōci: @getgloci

• 0:01Speaker 00

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• 1:27Speaker 00

  This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Ready to launch your business before Black Friday? Go to Shopify.com/happy to start your free trial. Monarch Money, Monarch breaks the debt cycle, turning that endless gloom into a plan with an end date. Use code EYH at monarch.com to get your first year of Monarch Core half off at just $50. Northwest Registered Agent, Northwest gives you access to thousands of free guides, tools, and attorney drafted documents to help you run your business with confidence. Visit northwestregisteredagent.com/earnfree and start using free resources to build something amazing. Indeed, spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes.

• 2:10Speaker 00

  They're giving Earn Your Happy a $75 sponsored job credit. Go to Indeed.com/podcast right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Life at the Speed of Play, Mark is offering our listeners two books for the price of one. Go to GetMark'sBook.com/earn. Sequencing, sequencing.com is offering our listeners up to 10% off your full genome test plus free shipping. Go to sequencing.com and use promo code EARN for 10% off. It'll be this perfectly normal Saturday and somehow I would kind of notice, maybe I would sabotage it or want to start a little fight or bicker longer.

• 2:51Speaker 00

  And I'm like, oh my God, my body is so tuned to chaos that I actually just like would start something. I could be choosing an awesome day if I just choose how to get through this or let it go or realize it's not that important or really look at why am I doing this? Like, what's the whole point?

• 3:15Speaker 01

  And we're back.

• 3:16Speaker 00

  With another episode of He Said, She Said.

• 3:18Speaker 01

  So we're talking about arguing today.

• 3:20Speaker 00

  Let's get on a fight. Let's get in a fight.

• 3:23Speaker 01

  We actually have on podcasts in the past. It's rare. I mean, it's rare that we argue. It's rare that we fight. But we've actually been like gotten on arguments in podcasts. I've had people DM like, oh, you guys are spicy on that one.

• 3:34Speaker 00

  Then we were like, you didn't even hear when we stopped recording. So.

• 3:37Speaker 01

  Or right before we recorded, how many times are we in like an argument before we hit record? And we're like, and we're back.

• 3:43Speaker 00

  You guys, the first year we did this podcast together, I'm pretty sure all the time we were like, fuck this, I don't want to do this stupid podcast with you anymore.

• 3:51Speaker 01

  So true.

• 3:53Speaker 00

  Now we're good. Like for the most part, I would say 90% of the time now we're really good. And I do believe it's because we really, really have been sticking to our rules of engagement.

• 4:06Speaker 01

  Fair rules of engagement, how to fight nice. And we got into this conversation like, hey, that'd be a cool one to share because we went to dinner last night with another couple that we didn't go, I haven't been to dinner with before, super cool couple. And we got on a topic, they're a little bit younger than us. So like, you know, hey, why do you think you've made it 20 years and all this stuff? Like, we just kind of know how to fight at this point. And we're going through these different tips like, oh, these would be good for the podcast. And so hence here we are today. Let's teach them how to fight, babe.

• 4:31Speaker 00

  Okay, so you're gonna need to pick a fight later today and see if these work.

• 4:37Speaker 00

  Okay, so rules of engagement, right? One of the things that we do, this is the one that's kind of like been really tried and true for us that we use all of the time is one to 10 important scale.

• 4:48Speaker 01

  So we learned this from Rob and Kim.

• 4:50Speaker 00

  Yes, Rob and Kim Murgatroyd. So if you are in the middle of a fight, let's say, I'm going to use something super basic for this, you guys. Chris and I have moved a lot. We've had a lot of different homes. And for me, like the arrangement of the furniture, the decor, all of that stuff is very important to me. I actually like, it sounds crazy, but I feel the energy of stuff in a room. Like if it's in the wrong spot, I feel it and it will drive me, it will distract me like.

• 5:16Speaker 01

  It's Feng Shui.

• 5:17Speaker 00

  It's crazy. So sometimes Chris will come and be like, no, I don't like that there. I like this chair here. And I'm like, okay. So on a scale of one to 10, how important is this to you? Because for me, it's a nine. Like, what does this feel like for you? Because in my body, this drives me insane. I'm not going to be able to handle it.

• 5:35Speaker 01

  And let me like jump in here real quick. She's saying we'll literally pause and be like, when things are starting to get heated in our house, she's like, okay, listen, on a scale of one to 10, where does this issue fall for you? Because it's a nine for me. And in the case of the furniture, and usually it's not like, I don't want it there. It's usually like, I want this set of chairs. These are awesome. You know what I mean? And you're like, no, those are not going to look at her. They're not going to fit or whatever. And so you'll be like, it's a nine. I'm like, eh, it's like a six or it's like a seven. And then that's when you quickly realize why drag that thing out is more important to the other person.

• 6:07Speaker 00

  But if you're going to do this, you absolutely have to be completely honest about where you're at. And if you're constantly a nine or a 10, you might actually want to start talking about why you're always in that state. Like that brings up a really interesting point about you might need to potentially start coming to their side a little bit more and knowing that not everything is of the utmost importance and deciding what actually means the most to you. Or you're never going to be able to be in a great relationship because it's starting to show that you have no give. Like you're not willing to meet them halfway.

• 6:42Speaker 01

  Yeah. And here's another one. It's not a rule of engagement, but it's kind of like a great tip. If you really care about having a great life with a partner. By the way, these apply for romantic partnerships or business partnerships. And it's this one, I'd rather be happy more often than I care to be right. Right? So in a world, you can't always be happy and always be right. Sometimes one has to take precedence over the other. And so choose wisely. I'd rather be happy more often than I have to be right more often.

• 7:10Speaker 00

  Yes. Okay. So the next one is just exactly what you had mentioned earlier. And it's truly a pause button. If you are in a business argument with a partner and something arises and it really pissed you off, please, for the love of God, this also is every relationship. Take a pause and do not take any actions or verbal actions or emails or any arguing until you let the highest height of the emotion wash through you. This usually takes, it can be as quick as five minutes. I recommend a day for business things. I recommend obviously faster for if it's in your household.

• 7:52Speaker 00

  But give yourself minimum five minutes to allow that actual chemical emotion to settle in your body.

• 7:59Speaker 01

  Yeah. So I call this timing. You know, you call it the pause button. I call it timing. That's timing is everything. And there's a time and a place for everything. And there's two sides of timing. This is important to know. Lori just mentioned the first side of timing. That is, don't address something when you are going to over address it because you are boiling over. But the other part of timing is know when to have a talk with the other person. Know when is a good time that they're going to be open to receive me. Know when it's been the right amount of time to maybe have them receive it in a way that won't be such a hot button. Give other people a chance to cool down too, not just yourself. So timing is everything.

• 8:39Speaker 00

  Okay, the next one that we always do, this is like when we are in a fight and we can't see the end. Maybe the shit we just said just is like not working, right? Cause you're just like boiling. And in the middle of one of those fights, one of us will hopefully, it seems like this always happens. We'll say, hey, same team. Like, let's not forget that if our goal, like once in a while, we'll literally ask, we'll be like, hey, our goal is never to be apart. Like we never want to divorce. Is this accurate? Like, are these true things that we never want to be apart? We always want to stay together. Then why are we extending this argument to literally be ruining a perfectly decent Saturday or Sunday?

• 9:24Speaker 00

  You guys, sometimes it's so crazy. If you've been someone who's been from a chaotic background or, you know, a family life where your parents always argued. I noticed in our relationship in the first like, God, probably even five years. I really noticed that sometimes I would even sabotage. It'd be like a finally, you know, I'd wait all week long for Chris to be home from work and us to be able to do something and it'd be this perfectly normal Saturday. And somehow I would kind of notice, maybe I would sabotage it or want to start a little fight or bicker longer. And I'm like, oh my God, I am, my body is so tuned to chaos that I actually just like would start something. And it was the realization of that of do we even like, why am I doing this?

• 10:09Speaker 00

  And if we're on the same team, this is a perfectly amazing Wednesday or Sunday, whatever. And really think about, I could be choosing an awesome day if I just choose how to get through this or let it go or realize it's not that important or really look at why am I doing this? Like, what's the whole point?

• 10:27Speaker 01

  This one's simple. It goes back to what I said earlier. Is it more important to be right or is it more important to be happy? And when you acknowledge, we told this couple last time, here's the cool part about being married. Like once you're in it, in it, like you know, you're not going anywhere. If you know you're not going anywhere, then you're just making your own life miserable by choosing to be right instead of choosing to be happy. So like just squash that shit.

• 10:46Speaker 00

  There was a stretch in my early twenties when I was chipping away at credit card debt, and it honestly felt like it was never going to end. I'd make a payment, I would feel good for a day, and then I'd look at the balance and feel like I did nothing. And what changed everything was finally seeing a finish line. That's why I love Monarch's debt pay down simulator and visualizer. It shows your exact debt free date based on your real balance and payments, and you get to watch that timeline move. Every extra payment, the date gets closer. That kind of visible progress keeps you going. And my favorite part is playing out your options. You can run different payment scenarios side by side and instantly see which one gets you

• 11:31Speaker 00

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• 12:09Speaker 00

  When I launched Glossy, my drinkable skincare brand, I was obsessed with the formula. The product was my baby, but the store part felt way more intimidating. And that's a big reason we built on Shopify in the beginning, because you really don't have to be an e-commerce expert to get up and running. And that's a big deal in the beginning of a business. And here's the biggest lesson I learned about the holidays. You do not want to be building your store in the middle of the rush. You want to be set up, you want to be tested and ready before the traffic hits. So, two things I love. First, Shopify mobile app. I'm on planes, I'm on stages, I'm here recording with you, and I can still check my inventory, help a customer, see payments right from my phone, which is so much fun. And that's the second they check out. So Shopify

• 12:54Speaker 00

  checkout with Shop Pay converts up to 36% higher than the competition. When you've worked that hard to get someone to your site, that last click matters. So if you've had a business idea sitting in your notes app for way too long, this is your sign. Launch before Black Friday, a time of year when more people are already shopping and ready to buy. If you're ready to launch your business before Black Friday, go to Shopify.com/happy to start your free trial. That's Shopify.com/happy. Go to Shopify.com/happy today to hear your first.

• 13:33Speaker 00

  Between this podcast and my Beauty and Wellness brand, some weeks, everything is on fire and I need help yesterday. And if I had to hire a new podcast producer tomorrow, I wouldn't just post must edit audio. I'd want someone who's worked on conversational shows, gets my style, can handle the chaos from one day to the next, trying to fit in four podcast episodes a week, all of the ads that I have to put on the podcast. So this is a job for sponsored jobs. Sponsored jobs boost your posts in search results, so you can reach people with the skills you actually need, and you only pay for results. Sponsored jobs posted directly on Indeed are 95% more likely to report a hire than non-sponsored jobs.

• 14:17Speaker 00

  That's huge when you can't afford to wait around for help. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Less stress, less time, more results. When you need the right person to cut through the chaos, this is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. And listeners of the show will get a $75 sponsored job credit to help get your job the premium status it deserves at indeed.com/podcast. Just go to indeed.com/podcast right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need a hiring hero? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. Okay, the next one is a great question to ask. This can actually go with the scale of

• 15:02Speaker 00

  one to 10. And it's just to ask, what's making this feel so important to you? So instead of criticism, get curious. What's making this feel so important to you? And what's the outcome you're hoping for here? And when you can actually hear that, you can much better understand how it's impacting their whole life. Like, you might just think it's them being stubborn, when really, it's like, I don't know how to tell you that when I sit down to work, I can't focus, because this is how this actually feels in my body. So really getting curious about it.

• 15:33Speaker 01

  And then we got to talk about ownership statements. And this is, gosh, I forgot what I said before, when we were kind of blanket statement. Yeah. So ownership statements versus blanket statements. And here's the difference. A blanket statement is like, you always do this. I always, like, using the word always is a really dangerous world or word, right? Ownership statements is saying things like, I feel hurt when this happens. Not saying, this always happens when, but saying, hey, I feel hurt when this happens. You're not trying to quantify how many times it happens. But instead, just saying, this is how it makes me feel when this happens. So it's like, you always do this to me.

• 16:09Speaker 00

  A really easy way to look at this when you're fighting is how many times do you say you? How many times do you start a sentence with you?

• 16:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, instead of I.

• 16:16Speaker 00

  Instead of I. All right, the last one that you can try, and this is a really good one for really trying to get in there and understand what is going on in their brain, is the five minute rule. This one is hard, you guys, but it will change your life. When you are arguing, if it's a big topic to, to, like, this is why I, you know, want to move to California.

• 16:39Speaker 01

  Or quit my job, or whatever, yeah.

• 16:40Speaker 00

  Quit my job. You give each other each five minutes uninterrupted, and you don't sit there thinking about, oh, this is what I'm going to say to this sentence that she just said. This is what I'm going to say to this thing they just said. It's five minutes of opening your heart, not thinking of what you're going to say next. You have to promise you're not thinking of how you're going to rebuttal everything they're saying. You step in their shoes, and you try to really understand what they're saying and listen. And then you give the next five minutes. Obviously, you can go back and forth and back and forth for set amounts of time until you start to feel like there's a bit of a resolution. And you really should, this really should help if you do this enough rounds, to be

• 17:22Speaker 00

  able to then get a sense of, of where you're at.

• 17:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, they don't, they don't have to be right, but they have to be heard. And that's what this five minute rule really helps to provide. Sometimes people just want to be heard. They don't want to be right necessarily. They want you to know what's on their mind, and that's.

• 17:41Speaker 00

  Between this podcast and my Beauty and Wellness brand, some weeks, everything is on fire and I need help yesterday. And if I had to hire a new podcast producer tomorrow, I wouldn't just post must edit audio. I'd want someone who's worked on conversational shows, gets my style, can handle the chaos from one day to the next, trying to fit in four podcast episodes a week, all of the ads that I have to put on the podcast. So this is a job for sponsored jobs. Sponsored jobs boost your posts in search results, so you can reach people with the skills you actually need, and you only pay for results. Sponsored jobs posted directly on Indeed are 95% more likely to report a hire than

• 18:23Speaker 00

  non-sponsored jobs. That's huge when you can't afford to wait around for help. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Less stress, less time, more results. When you need the right person to cut through the chaos, this is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. And listeners of the show will get a $75 sponsored job credit to help get your job the premium status it deserves at indeed.com/podcast. Just go to indeed.com/podcast right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need a hiring hero? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs.

• 19:05Speaker 00

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• 19:48Speaker 00

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• 20:31Speaker 00

  When I launched Glossy, my drinkable skincare brand, I was obsessed with the formula. The product was my baby, but the store part felt way more intimidating. And that's a big reason we built on Shopify in the beginning, because you really don't have to be an e-commerce expert to get up and running. And that's a big deal in the beginning of a business. And here's the biggest lesson I learned about the holidays. You do not want to be building your store in the middle of the rush. You want to be set up, you want to be tested and ready before the traffic hits. So, two things I love. First, Shopify mobile app. I'm on planes, I'm on stages, I'm here recording with you, and I can still check my inventory, help a customer, see payments right from my phone, which is so much fun. And that's the second

• 21:14Speaker 00

  they check out. So Shopify checkout with Shop Pay converts up to 36% higher than the competition. When you've worked that hard to get someone to your site, that last click matters. So if you've had a business idea sitting in your notes app for way too long, this is your sign. Launch before Black Friday, a time of year when more people are already shopping and ready to buy. If you're ready to launch your business before Black Friday, go to Shopify.com/happy to start your free trial. That's Shopify.com/happy. Go to Shopify.com/happy today to hear your first.

• 21:53Speaker 01

  The, the source of the argument. This is one of the best things you can do. It's hard, but you set that timer five minutes uninterrupted, and it gives a person a safe space. So now, they're not coming at you with all guns blazing, and okay, how can I use this five minutes wisely? And you're going to find they explain things more calmly.

• 22:08Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 22:08Speaker 01

  Love it.

• 22:09Speaker 00

  All right. We're so grateful for you guys. Thank you for always tuning in. We have gotten to just like, talk to so many of you either in person or DMs or at our events. And it's so much fun to know exactly who we're talking to. So I hope that this really helps you guys.

• 22:22Speaker 01

  All right, guys. Thanks a lot.

• 22:23Speaker 00

  We will see you next week. Bye, everyone.