TBT: JWoww

Bunnie welcomes the iconic Jenni Farley, aka JWoww, who first stole our hearts on Jersey Shore and grew to be reality TV's big sister. She talks about life now, including how motherhood changed her, where the Jersey Shore cast stands with each other today, and her excitement to create the horror movie we all need. Jenni also talks about handling life in the public eye, her advocacy for autism and the importance of being your authentic self no matter what. Watch Full Episodes & More: www.dumbblondeunrated.com https://www.dumbblondeunrated.com/ JWoww: Website https://www.jennifarley.com/| IG https://www.instagram.com/jwoww/

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Bunnie XO?

  What's up, guys? Don't forget to sub to Patreon so that you can see the visuals, because not only do we have episodes of the podcast, we have exclusive content that nobody else sees on any other apps, behind the scenes, photo shoots, and we're dropping a whole bunch of surprising stuff this year. So if you guys don't want to miss out and you want to be the first to know, go over to our Patreon, www.dumbblondeunrated.com. Love ya. Is this thing on?

• 0:27Speaker 01

  Bonnie, who used to be a former sex worker, now hosts the podcast Dumb Blonde.

• 0:32Bunnie XO?

  Most little girls grow up wanting to be doctors and lawyers and shit. And I was like, I want to be super hot, make a lot of fucking money and be a rock star's wife. That was my goal as a child, and here we are.

• 0:42Bunnie XO?

  What's up, you sexy motherfuckers? Welcome to another episode of Dumb Blonde. Today, this woman is a frickin' household name. If you don't know who she is, you are living under a rock. Miss JWoww, baby. Jenny Farley, how you doing, baby?

• 0:58Speaker 02

  Well, now I'm blushing.

• 0:59Bunnie XO?

  Oh, you are so beautiful. I was just staring at her across the table and I was like, you are so beautiful.

• 1:05Speaker 02

  Oh, my gosh. Thanks.

• 1:07Bunnie XO?

  No, like stunning, even in person. Like, you're beautiful online, but in person, it's wild.

• 1:12Speaker 02

  Like, online, I'm like, is that how I look in real life? Like, and everyone's like, oh, my God, you have all this, like, crazy work done. You've done this. I said, and I look back and I'm like, no, I actually just think I make the most awkward facial expressions on every red carpet, because I'm just that person.

• 1:29Bunnie XO?

  I tell everybody, I fucking hate red carpets.

• 1:32Speaker 02

  Same.

• 1:33Bunnie XO?

  Like, you can go there looking and feeling your best to yourself, and then you get that fucking Getty image back, and you're like, who the fuck is this wombat? Like, there's so many times that I'm like, what happened?

• 1:44Speaker 02

  I just went to the PCAs. By the way, congratulation on Jelly, winning.

• 1:49Bunnie XO?

  Thank you.

• 1:49Speaker 02

  I saw, I did not win, but I got all my pictures back. And I'm like, is that how I look?

• 1:55Bunnie XO?

  You looked gorgeous, though. I thought you looked gorgeous.

• 1:58Speaker 02

  I make the just most asinine, ridiculous faces that clearly don't resonate well in photos.

• 2:06Bunnie XO?

  It's also because there's fucking fifty cameras going off at one time. You don't know which one to look at. Nobody ever fucking picks a good side to post, ever.

• 2:15Speaker 02

  They want the bad ones.

• 2:16Bunnie XO?

  They have one that has haunted me for, did you see the TikTok I made of it? I look like Slimer. I'm telling you, it is Jenny, it's the fucking worst thing. And they post it in every fucking news article.

• 2:27Speaker 02

  That's what they do.

• 2:28Bunnie XO?

  It's the fucking three chinner. Like, I mean, I'm like, I laughed and it was like, just, hi. You know, like, it was so bad.

• 2:35Speaker 02

  Me too. Like, I'm always like this. I'm always like, and I'm like, I always have like PR or someone like, lift, lift your chin, like do something where, and I'm just dead inside. Cause I'm like, I don't know what to do.

• 2:46Bunnie XO?

  Nobody fucking gives lessons on how to walk on a red carpet either.

• 2:49Speaker 02

  No.

• 2:50Bunnie XO?

  It's like you have to, you're thinking, you're thrown to the wolves and you have to figure it out yourself.

• 2:54Speaker 02

  And as an older millennial, I have the awkward stance or the peace sign.

• 2:58Bunnie XO?

  Me too.

• 3:00Bunnie XO?

  I do the double peace sign. I'm always like, what do I do with my hands?

• 3:03Speaker 02

  Slapping my hand down like, what are you doing? I'm like, what am I supposed to do?

• 3:07Bunnie XO?

  It's so awkward, dude. Well, I think you look stunning on all the red carpets.

• 3:10Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 3:11Bunnie XO?

  So I got to listen. I don't really listen to too many podcasts. I'm not, I've kind of like, you know, cause I do my podcast. So I don't really dive into other ones, but I listened to the vile files podcast with you the other day. And I really loved it.

• 3:26Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 3:26Bunnie XO?

  I was like, she is such a sweet soul.

• 3:28Speaker 02

  Oh, thanks. That was my first real podcast like yourself that I wasn't doing for press for just like five minutes. And I was just like, all right, I've known Nick for years. I met a, or I met his girlfriend on their first date.

• 3:44Bunnie XO?

  Oh.

• 3:44Speaker 02

  I've known him like years prior. I was like, all right, I think I'm just gonna take your suggestion and go on. Um, but without any rhyme or reason.

• 3:54Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 3:55Speaker 02

  I've never known to do a podcast and like, understand like, You know, what am I gonna bring to the table on a podcast?

• 4:03Bunnie XO?

  Uh, yourself.

• 4:05Speaker 02

  But I'm like, what does that mean? And that's where I get nervous and I'm super introverted and I get really scared doing these things because I, even though I know Nick, I'm a fan of Nick. And even though I know you now, I am a super fan of you. So I'm like, I should be interviewing them. Like, why does anyone want to interview me? I'm just a mom in New Jersey.

• 4:24Bunnie XO?

  You are an icon who's been on TV for almost two decades.

• 4:29Speaker 02

  Yes, and it feels like 20, but yes.

• 4:32Bunnie XO?

  The longevity of that alone is so admirable because not very many people get a TV shelf life of that long.

• 4:41Speaker 02

  No, and I, I will tell you this, if they would have told me that in 2009, I would have showered and not look like I did in half the episodes. But again, none of us knew back then, but.

• 4:54Bunnie XO?

  But I think that's what made you iconic was you were so, you were rough around the edges, but you were like a diamond in the rough. And you literally have not only grown up with a generation, but you are like the big sister that nobody had to a generation.

• 5:08Speaker 02

  Oh, thank you. I, looking back, I can see that. And being the oldest girl in the house and living on my own since I was 17 and all these things, being raised by my dad, like all of that I, I see being like, that's my full circle moment was I was like the mom of the house. But the one that like, didn't allow the shit to continue, the one that called everyone out on their shit still to this day.

• 5:37Speaker 02

  But I think it took me to be, which I'll be 39 next week, many, many years to see it because when you're living it and you're going through it, I didn't see it then. I, I, I couldn't, I, for one, I didn't even, I couldn't even establish the fact that we were famous for just being us.

• 5:55Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 5:55Speaker 02

  Like, I was just like, I'm just being me and having the best time of my life with these crazy roommates. And it took probably within like the last five years to realize how big. Jersey Shore truly was.

• 6:10Bunnie XO?

  It was literally just um a moment in history.

• 6:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 6:15Bunnie XO?

  Like it was a historic event that is gonna go down in the history books of the cast of Jersey Shore. Like you guys, there's nobody who doesn't know who any of you guys are.

• 6:24Speaker 02

  Oh, thank you.

• 6:25Bunnie XO?

  Yeah, for sure. I want to circle back to your childhood, though. You did just say that you were raised by a single father. And I had heard that before because I was raised by a single father also.

• 6:35Speaker 02

  I know.

• 6:36Bunnie XO?

  And yeah.

• 6:37Speaker 02

  And I love how you put him on a pedestal, the way that you do.

• 6:40Bunnie XO?

  Oh, Bill.

• 6:41Speaker 02

  Yes, Bill.

• 6:42Bunnie XO?

  Good old Bill. I call Terry my dad.

• 6:45Speaker 02

  But I'm like, I love that. And I love how you show through your videos, like, how much he means to you. Being a woman, married, you know, grown, and like you still give the accolades to the man who made you who you are today.

• 7:01Bunnie XO?

  I appreciate that. It's been a long road. Me and Bill have had a bumpy ride. Same. Yeah. Tell me a little bit about your childhood. Tell me like, you know, where was mom when you were growing up?

• 7:10Speaker 02

  So when I was two years old, so first off, my parents had me in the eighties when they were 20. I think my mom actually got pregnant like 19 or 20.

• 7:22Bunnie XO?

  Same.

• 7:22Speaker 02

  And my dad was like 21, 22. And in hindsight, looking back, like, I couldn't fathom. No um technology like we have now. There were no iPads. There were no cell phones. There was no internet. And you have this 20 and 22 year old that just decided, oh, a one night stand turned into something more. And we're gonna have this child and not even in college. Um, and around two years old, my mom got very sick with a mental illness. And then they still stayed together. But my mom was in and out of the hospital. Uh, and a lot of people actually don't know this story, so it's nice to talk about it because people always get confused.

• 8:07Speaker 02

  But my mom was in and out of the hospital and. Um, around, I think it was my fourth or fifth birthday. My grandmother left my birthday party and got in a car accident and died.

• 8:20Bunnie XO?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 8:21Speaker 02

  It was my mom's mom.

• 8:22Bunnie XO?

  Oh.

• 8:22Speaker 02

  So that took my mom out of the equation like, and I feel so terrible because I was like, I couldn't comprehend. Then, like, leaving my birthday all excited. It's in February. As I said, it's next week.

• 8:34Bunnie XO?

  Coming up. Yeah. Happy birthday.

• 8:36Speaker 02

  Thank you. Upstate New York. There was um, snow and a teenager um, hit the brakes and skidded across the ice. And uh, T-bones my, my aunt, uh, my um, godmother and my grandmother's car. My grandmother soon passed.

• 8:52Bunnie XO?

  Hmm.

• 8:53Speaker 02

  And because of my mom was suffering with mental illness so badly, she just couldn't do it anymore.

• 9:00Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 9:00Speaker 02

  And so my dad at like twenty-five, twenty-six was like, well, you know, here we are. Like, it's just you and me, kid. And it has been ever since. My mom is actually still alive. I take care of her. She's in an assisted living home close by. Everywhere I move, she moves right by me, but um, she's like my third child.

• 9:22Bunnie XO?

  Hmm. I always say that I inherited custody of my parents because

• 9:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:26Bunnie XO?

  My mom died last year.

• 9:28Speaker 02

  Oh, I'm so sorry.

• 9:28Bunnie XO?

  I inherited. It's okay. We weren't close at all, but um, she, I inherited her and you know, I had to, I had her in an assisted living and got to spend like the last year of her life with her. So.

• 9:39Speaker 02

  Same scenario. As much as I am close to my mom, I love her and I take care of her.

• 9:44Bunnie XO?

  Hmm.

• 9:45Speaker 02

  Uh, she's not my mom.

• 9:47Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 9:48Speaker 02

  You know what I mean? It's, you know, my grandmother, my dad's mom was my mom. And unfortunately, she passed away right before the Italy season, which caused a whole spiral for me, but you know, my dad's family really stood up and was like, we're gonna be a community. Like, I remember when I first got my period. I had to call my cousin and I was like, what is happening?

• 10:10Bunnie XO?

  No.

• 10:10Speaker 02

  Can't call my dad.

• 10:12Bunnie XO?

  Oh, it takes a village.

• 10:14Speaker 02

  Yeah. And like my, I got made fun of in school and someone like, this is so corny, but like, when I was like thirteen, someone was like, um. Said the word boner and I was like, I don't know what that is. So I, I had to go to my cousin. He was like in her twenties and I'll never forget, there's not much I remember from my childhood. Cause I think I truly suppressed it, but I'll never forget my, the look of my cousin's face. When I was like, can you tell me what a boner is?

• 10:46Speaker 02

  Again, these were like, I don't, I, I think those were like the most important moments, not the boner one, but like the moments.

• 10:53Bunnie XO?

  Listen, I remember, I remember my first boner. No, I'm just kidding.

• 10:56Speaker 02

  Like where I think being a mother is so important and having a mother is so important.

• 11:04Bunnie XO?

  It really is.

• 11:06Speaker 02

  As bad as my childhood was and, and as great as my dad was, uh, to help me facilitate to become the woman that I am today, like those, those like really important moments you need with that female energy wasn't there. And I think I put my all now into my daughter because of what I didn't have.

• 11:29Bunnie XO?

  I, and I can't wait to talk about your daughter later because you said some profound things that I heard and I just, I love the way that you mother. Don't you think it's crazy that, um, you know, not having a mom around makes you want to be, or you know, not having a present mother, whether she is in your life or not, makes you want to be sometimes in our cases, the complete opposite of what they were. You know, I, I inherited my bonus baby and I knew that I was not gonna be like how my crazy stepmother or how my crazy mom was. I was like this, I want to be a completely different parent and has that affected you in that way also?

• 12:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, I would say more so now than ever. Um, in my twenties, I couldn't rationalize. Well, actually I'll take a step back. In my early twenties, I thought I was gonna get the same diagnosis as my mother. So I went balls to the wall.

• 12:25Bunnie XO?

  Which diagnosis was that, if you don't mind?

• 12:27Speaker 02

  Nobody knows, but I will say it's schizophrenia.

• 12:29Bunnie XO?

  My mom was a schizophrenic too.

• 12:31Speaker 02

  No way.

• 12:31Bunnie XO?

  Swear to God.

• 12:32Speaker 02

  And you speak about it publicly?

• 12:33Bunnie XO?

  Uh, yeah, I've been very vocal about it.

• 12:35Speaker 02

  Wow, yeah. So, and the only reason why I don't really speak on it is because she's still here and I don't want to define her as that. But at 22, that's what she got diagnosed with. Actually, if we're gonna just be open and honest, um. It was the eighties, it was nineteen eighty seven. My dad couldn't get a hold of my mother for hours and he worked at this not this great place because you know the twenty two, what kind of career are you gonna have? Right. And he kept calling the phone and calling the phone. Nobody was answering. This is landline guys where uh Oh, I miss those. Yeah. I do miss a good landline phone call and a three way. Yeah.

• 13:13Speaker 02

  So my dad um like knew something was wrong and knew something wasn't right with my mother. So he ran home and he couldn't find us and we lived at like a second or third story apartment building and he went through you know, those back emergency stairwells and he found my mom like in the fetal position passed out and me holding her in a diaper. Oh, I just got chills. And he thinks that she either had a seizure there or she had a psychotic break and that was it that and I held her for the two to three hours. He couldn't reach us.

• 13:55Speaker 02

  And that was the day that she went to the hospital, but I'm sure you know with that diagnosis um the hospitals don't like to keep people. They don't. They kind of get you healthy, happy. They put you on medication. Yes, uh the best of your ability and then send you back and but my grandmother's passing was the end all be all and I remember being my daughter's age, eight or nine years old and I told my dad like you gotta give up, you gotta stop. Like we have to move on and You were parenting your dad at such a age. Cause I was like, we can't keep living like this because she was so in and out of the program. But he wouldn't get a divorce yet. He was like, we're gonna try and make this work. Make it work.

• 14:40Speaker 02

  He was, but there was no relationship there. Like it was just like, I remember one time when I was like seven, my son's age and my mom In the middle of the night, fell and broke her shin and her shin bone was like through her. Like and it's it was very traumatizing because I remember it, but it was because her medication, she was too over medicated and she slipped and fell. And I was like, Dad, we have to have to like live for ourselves and we have to get her the help that she needs. Cause being home might not be the best case scenario and it just wasn't. Um, and that was just like the beginning of her health issues. I I don't know if you know, like song, long term psych meds can cause so many other health issues.

• 15:25Speaker 02

  And, um, you know, but I will say this. She was the only mother I knew. As in, since the beginning of time, that was, that was my mom. So I don't feel like I missed out on anything like. For instance, like a mother with um dementia or Alzheimer's, like you knew your mom one way. And now, God forbid, you have to see your mother in a different light and you're always reverting back to. The mom that she once was, but that took a lot of soul seeking to see. But, um, you know, I only knew my mom one way. So like, I'm like, that was just my mom.

• 16:06Speaker 02

  Some people have it better, some people have it worse. That was just my mom. So I'm okay with my, my. Just my story because I truly believe the the way that my story went as my childhood went. Um, I ended up where I am now. Because if I was happy and content and had the beautiful white picket fence house growing up and both parents and the. And the the beautiful family that people have, I would never have wanted to move to New York City and find. Who I wanted to be and I would have never ended up on the Jersey Shore.

• 16:44Bunnie XO?

  I always say that. I always tell everybody they're like, you know, God, you've been through so much trauma. Cause my mom left me on a doorstep when I was three months old while my dad was in the hospital. So I never knew a nurturing mom ever. And then I didn't find her again till like AOL. When I was like twenty one, she popped up on my screen and was like, hey, I'm your mom. And I'm like, well, this is fucking weird. So it started a whole weird thing, but. Um, you know, I forgot where I was going with that. I had a point, I swear, but um, you know, as far as like our moms go, do you think not having that mother figure in your life? Cause I, I just wanna know, cause I grew up severely like aggressive almost, like I was the parent too. And I feel like not having that mother figure and that feminine energy made me pretty aggressive. Like I was feisty.

• 17:30Speaker 02

  I was raised as a boy. I say it all the time. My dad only knew one way to raise me. And it was martial arts, four wheeling, jet skiing, snowmobiling. I was raised a boy.

• 17:41Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 17:42Speaker 02

  There was no makeup in my house. Like I remember little giants. Like I was that girl.

• 17:47Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 17:47Speaker 02

  Like, why you have cherry red lipstick on, like lip gloss? Like that's not a thing. I was wearing like boo boo and Tommy Hilfiger and I was like a complete tomboy and like, you know.

• 17:59Bunnie XO?

  Is that why you were such a fighter? Because on the show, you came in guns a blazing and you were pretty like.

• 18:05Speaker 02

  I think, I mean, I wanna say it. I think, and I guess that would just be my personality. Like that was just, I, there was no nonsense.

• 18:14Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 18:14Speaker 02

  And as you know, single family home, there is no nonsense.

• 18:17Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 18:18Speaker 02

  Like if you want dinner and your dad's working late, you had to provide yourself dinner. Like especially in the nineties and you know, in the early two thousands, like you were there to raise yourself. Um, I think it's different in a mother, single household because in a, at least for me.

• 18:36Bunnie XO?

  More nurturing, I would imagine.

• 18:38Speaker 02

  I would imagine.

• 18:38Bunnie XO?

  If it was a normal.

• 18:40Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 18:40Bunnie XO?

  Mother situation, yes.

• 18:42Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 18:42Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 18:43Speaker 02

  I, as, as the assumptions there.

• 18:45Bunnie XO?

  Yeah, we're just assuming at this point. Yeah, we're bonding right now over not having moms.

• 18:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, trauma bonded.

• 18:51Bunnie XO?

  Healthy moms. Um, so moving on from that, which you know, shout out to your dad for stepping up to the plate. Because back then dads didn't do that. And some people get mad at me when I say that. They're like, yes, they did. My dad raised me too. And I, I'm like, do you know how rare that is? Especially back then in the eighties, like for a single dad to raise girls.

• 19:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:12Bunnie XO?

  It's wild.

• 19:13Speaker 02

  Girls.

• 19:14Bunnie XO?

  And that's why I treat Bill the way I do now, because I'm like, you know what? Back then you didn't have to do that, but you did. And like, yeah, you're my dad. And technically you did have to do it, but you didn't have to do it, you know, so.

• 19:24Speaker 02

  Can I ask you a question?

• 19:25Bunnie XO?

  Sure.

• 19:26Speaker 02

  Did you know your mother's diagnosis before you met her?

• 19:31Bunnie XO?

  Um, no. So when she came back into my state, my parents were like, kept everything hush, hush. I had a crazy stepmom who my dad married, who was extremely abusive. And I mean, it was just really bad. And they, I didn't get to see a picture of my real mom until I was eighteen years old and I had to fight for it. My dad had to, was getting on a plane. I'm like, I don't know if I've ever told the story. I might have. My dad was getting on a plane after coming to visit me because I had ran away from, I left home at fourteen and never went back.

• 20:01Speaker 02

  I've done those before.

• 20:03Bunnie XO?

  Yeah, never got a dollar from my parents, nothing, like never looked back. And um, my dad had come out to visit me and, you know, just make sure I was okay or whatever, see where I was living. And he was getting on the plane, but because my stepmom was so overbearing, he couldn't let her know that he was doing this. So she walked on the plane before him and he turned around, reached in his pocket, hands me a Ziploc freezer bag full of pictures and just runs on the plane. So I'm left to go sit in my car and look at these pictures of my mom. And that was the first time I ever, had ever gotten to see my mom. And so, when she came back in my life on the AOL situation, she was trying to cause problems and, you know, she was telling her version of the truth.

• 20:47Bunnie XO?

  And my dad was just like, you cannot believe anything your mom says. She's a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. And he's like, she told me she had six brothers and sisters and when I met her mom, she was an only child. You know, so I was like, damn. So that sent me on her whole thing. I was like, God, am I gonna inherit that?

• 21:05Speaker 02

  So that's what I was gonna ask. The question was gonna be like, if you knew her diagnosis, were you scared to get it?

• 21:13Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 21:13Speaker 02

  And did that, formula, like, because I know it happens in your early twenties. They say late teen, early twenties.

• 21:19Bunnie XO?

  Wow, I thought, I thought it could like happen at any time, like if you go under too much stress.

• 21:23Speaker 02

  Or drugs.

• 21:24Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 21:24Speaker 02

  Things, but like there, it mostly happens, i- if it's gonna happen organic, organically is what I heard is, it will happen from like eighteen to twenty-four or stress induced or drug induced. Certain drugs can bring it out.

• 21:38Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 21:39Speaker 02

  Um, so I had like mandatory therapy growing up because of it. Like the state required it, or my dad just lied and was like, you need to go to therapy. But.

• 21:50Bunnie XO?

  Oh, he cared so much about you. He was like, he wanted to get ahead of the problem if there ever was one.

• 21:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, so, but by doing that, they informed me of these things I don't think that they should have.

• 22:00Bunnie XO?

  Right. It caused health anxiety.

• 22:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, so I like, early twenties, went full tilt thinking like, if I'm going to have this, I'm going out like, with a blaze.

• 22:14Bunnie XO?

  Guns ablaze.

• 22:15Speaker 02

  Got like, full blown Bon Jovi.

• 22:19Speaker 02

  Like because, um, shout out to him, by the way, he lives local to here.

• 22:23Bunnie XO?

  We love him. I just met him a couple of weeks ago at his music, we-

• 22:27Speaker 02

  No way.

• 22:27Bunnie XO?

  Music cares thing and I was so in awe because I grew up in the rock era, so Bon Jovi was like a god with his little blue jean shorts and crop tops.

• 22:35Speaker 02

  Yes, that was my first concert with my dad.

• 22:38Bunnie XO?

  That's amazing. Oh, my goodness.

• 22:41Speaker 02

  He's iconic to me.

• 22:42Bunnie XO?

  No, same.

• 22:43Speaker 02

  I don't think he likes us because we're Jersey, but like, shout out to him. I'm a super fan.

• 22:50Bunnie XO?

  Yeah, I love that.

• 22:51Speaker 02

  But in the early, like my early twenties, I really thought for like a solid six months to a year that like, I would end up like my mom. And I hated myself for that. And I like experimented with drugs and alcohol and partying and like not getting my shit together and like resented my father for like bringing me into this world that like I didn't choose and really like hated, I don't know, I just said, I think I hated the world. Because then I also grew up in an affluent neighborhood in upstate New York where everyone is, you know,

• 23:33Speaker 02

  upper middle class and we didn't have that and we were considered poor. And I was just like, well, like this, this sucks. My school is all blondes, blue eyed cheerleaders that have like all the money in the world to me. That was a lot of money. It was probably, you know,

• 23:51Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 23:52Speaker 02

  low six figures, but to me that was like astronomical. Like, so I developed this like resentment and like hatred for like the position I was put in. And it took until like-

• 24:06Bunnie XO?

  How crazy, how crazy to be that young and so kind of like aware of everything going on.

• 24:12Speaker 02

  Aware, but it just. I don't know. I wish I, I wish I could like hug my young self and be like, it's gonna be okay. You just gotta go through it.

• 24:21Bunnie XO?

  You can do that. You can visualize that and do that. And it's so healing. I've done it a few times in therapy.

• 24:26Speaker 02

  Here's a question I got for you.

• 24:28Bunnie XO?

  Okay.

• 24:29Speaker 02

  Were you popular in school?

• 24:33Bunnie XO?

  So I don't know if I was popular because I never wanted to follow the crowd. So if you were a cheerleader, barf. I didn't want to have anything to do with it, you know? So, but I, I was a bully. And I used to fight everybody because I was getting beat up at home. So I fought on the bus all the time, or I fought with girls all the time. And like, that was, my outlet was beating people up. So I don't know if I was cool, but people just didn't fuck with me because I was always fighting. I was very aggressive. I was always very, you know, life of the party. And I hung out with the popular girls. But, and one of my best friends, Tasha, shout out Tasha. She was, she was like the cheer, cheerleader captain, but I was like her emo friend who like, you know, was like a tomboy. I used to wear boxers rolled down

• 25:15Bunnie XO?

  and t-shirts and tennis shoes to school. So I don't know. I don't know if I was popular.

• 25:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:20Bunnie XO?

  I was just kind of always danced to the beat of my own drum and didn't care.

• 25:24Speaker 02

  I only asked because I felt very mirrored with you. Like this is giving me mirrored image right now. And I'm the same because of my upbringing and because of my position in life, I wasn't popular, but I wasn't bothered.

• 25:39Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 25:39Speaker 02

  And nobody would try and bother me.

• 25:41Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 25:41Speaker 02

  And I, I kind of migrated to like all the groups.

• 25:45Bunnie XO?

  Mm-hmm. Same.

• 25:46Speaker 02

  I had like a friend in each, but like to me, no friend at all. Like, cause I was like, I'll fight for you. But like, I guarantee nobody would have fought for me.

• 25:54Bunnie XO?

  Right. Oh, same. That's, I, I've always been that friend who, and I'm always the fucking one who's the asshole because I'll speak up first.

• 26:01Speaker 02

  Same.

• 26:01Bunnie XO?

  And I always get made to look like the villain, but I'm like, I don't care. You know, like this, somebody has to say it. So I'm gonna be the one to say it.

• 26:08Speaker 02

  And I, I will say that life of me and that part of me definitely transitioned to the show. And I couldn't even hide it.

• 26:15Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 26:15Speaker 02

  So a lot of times people are like, oh, what is wrong with her? Why is she quiet? Why is she this? Why is she that on the show? And I'm just like, I'm just trying to keep my mouth shut. And it's just like, it looks to be one thing, but it's just me trying to not be like who I am.

• 26:28Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 26:29Speaker 02

  Which is the person that's ready to like snap your neck for doing to me the wrong thing.

• 26:36Bunnie XO?

  My life motto was, don't start none, won't be none.

• 26:39Speaker 02

  Same, but it's hard on a reality TV show because you don't know how it's gonna be edited and you don't know how it's gonna be perceived and you don't know if you're in the wrong because you're so in the moment.

• 26:49Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 26:50Speaker 02

  Because to me, it feels right, right? And then I've seen it play back and I'm like, oh shit, I wasn't in the right. Like I was, or it wasn't being perceived that way. Because you only have one viewpoint rather than all eight.

• 27:03Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 27:04Speaker 02

  And there were times that I was like, oh, I wish I didn't do that.

• 27:07Bunnie XO?

  Hmm, what is your biggest lesson you think you've learned just being in the public eye for as long as you have?

• 27:15Speaker 02

  Um.

• 27:16Bunnie XO?

  Good and bad?

• 27:18Speaker 02

  For me, and this might be good and bad, for me, it wasn't like selling myself. Like I noticed a lot of people that go on reality TV and they take that 15 minutes and they do things that I don't think they would normally do. Or they would leave their significant others to try and like go to LA and be something that they're not.

• 27:36Bunnie XO?

  Hmm.

• 27:37Speaker 02

  And I always stayed authentic to myself. And, but I, I don't know if that helped my career or like made it so I didn't reach my full potential in the industry.

• 27:51Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 27:52Speaker 02

  Because what if I did move to LA? What if I did pursue the things that I wanted to do? What if I did date, you know, a football player like they all do? Or a basketball player? What if I did like pursue more PR and put myself out there? And, you know, do the roles that I were offered. But because I'm so introverted and because I just like being me, um, I didn't pursue those things.

• 28:19Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 28:19Speaker 02

  And I always questioned like, is that, was that the best option for me?

• 28:24Bunnie XO?

  You would have been just like them. I think, I think how you've gone on your journey has set yourself apart from everybody. And when people have so much access to you, it gets watered down. So the fact that you're almost 20 years in on your, in your public platform and you're just now sitting down doing podcasts for yourself, like that speaks volumes. Because normally people would have gone and capitalized off of what they could have, you know? And you're just kind of doing it on your own time.

• 28:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:54Bunnie XO?

  I dig that.

• 28:55Speaker 02

  It's, and I don't even know why, like right now, I couldn't even tell you. It was just like.

• 28:59Bunnie XO?

  You're just ready.

• 29:01Speaker 02

  I am ready, but I I'm a fan. Like, I'm a huge fan of yours.

• 29:07Speaker 02

  Just like it's Your podcasts are so, and I was telling my fiance this earlier, warm and welcoming. And they're not for clickbait and they're not about like taking someone down while bringing someone up. It's just like authentic and I love you and your dad and your story with your your daughter. Your bonus child and your husband. And I'm like, you know, these these are the people that if I was to do a podcast, which I normally wouldn't, like, this is what I would want to do it with. Like, these are the people I want to be with.

• 29:43Bunnie XO?

  I appreciate that. That is like such a sweet compliment and I it's hard for me to ever, I tell everybody, you gotta take your flowers while you're here. But when people give it to me, I get like all squirmy and I'm like, hey, wanna make out? You know, like I say something weird, but I appreciate that and thank you so much because I've really worked so hard on this podcast to kind of set myself apart from all the rest of them. Cause I've been doing this for so long, you know, and for you to be able to see what I'm trying to do just makes me so happy.

• 30:10Speaker 02

  I see it and I'm a fan.

• 30:11Bunnie XO?

  I appreciate you. Let's circle back um to your childhood. So you're growing up with dad, you are going to school. And then you get out of school and you go to college for graphic design.

• 30:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, so we didn't have a lot of money growing up, but my dad loved taking me to Disney every few years. And when I was a teenager, I was got to go to Disney with my dad. Which I'm still a huge fan of.

• 30:37Bunnie XO?

  Don't you have a Disney sleeve?

• 30:41Speaker 02

  And I wanted to be a Disney animator. So I started going to college for like software development and CGI and computer graphics and animation. And um I'll just be honest, I was awful at it.

• 30:57Bunnie XO?

  I can't draw a fucking stick figure.

• 30:59Speaker 02

  I can draw.

• 31:00Bunnie XO?

  I admire people who can.

• 31:03Speaker 02

  It takes a different breed of person to do what animators do. I mean, you're in a room sixty, eighty, a hundred hours a week. You know, animating seaweed for a movie. So during college, when I was in New York City, um I got it like this kind of like this little offer, like, do you want to be on a Guido voting off show on VH1? Sure. Um, and this when I was like twenty two, twenty three, but fast forward. Um, when I was gonna take my last year of college to graduate to do something, I had no idea what I was gonna do. Cause again, even though I was going to college for it, I didn't think I had the ability to do so.

• 31:47Speaker 02

  Um, it was do my final year or go on a show that was just recently bought by MTV, no longer VH1. And it was recasted as like a, a Real World. And they're like, do you want to do that? Again, without knowing anything.

• 32:04Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 32:04Speaker 02

  It was just, you're gonna show up in New Jersey and you'll either be on it or you won't. At twenty five and then looking back like twenty five, I couldn't even wipe my own ass. I don't know how we like send troops off at eighteen, cause like, like even like raising children, eighteen ain't shit.

• 32:22Bunnie XO?

  I try to tell everybody that, like twenty one, twenty two, you're still babies.

• 32:25Speaker 02

  Babies.

• 32:26Bunnie XO?

  And everybody, people get mad at me for saying that. They're like, they're old enough, they're adults, they're, they need to be held accountable. And I'm like, cause I'll have like, you know, youngins on the pot, youngins. You know, twenty one, twenty two year olds on the podcast and I'm like, you're just a baby. And people in the comments will be like, they're not babies. And I'm like, this is a baby. Like I, you don't know what you're doing at twenty one, you're not doing what you're doing at twenty one at forty one, that's for sure.

• 32:49Speaker 02

  Hundred percent.

• 32:49Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 32:50Speaker 02

  And I see it all the time. And looking back, I'm like, you were a child and it was a blessing. And I, it was the best experience of my life and it still is, but like, I still think until you're thirty, you were a child.

• 33:04Bunnie XO?

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 33:05Speaker 02

  You have to go through some hard shit to be like an adult in my eyes before the age of twenty five years old.

• 33:11Bunnie XO?

  For sure. Is there anything you regret about going on Jersey Shore?

• 33:16Speaker 02

  Um, I wouldn't say regret, but I would say I wish I was more prepared, but I don't believe any of us. Production, MTV, Viacom, the cast, any of us were prepared for what that show was gonna be. And I, I will say this, I do regret going in, um, so closed off.

• 33:38Speaker 02

  So a lot of my roommates like had brothers and sisters. I'm an only child. They lived with people in college. They've had more experiences. I went in never living with another person besides my dad. Never having the shock value of like having roommates and sharing a bathroom.

• 33:58Bunnie XO?

  The different personalities.

• 34:00Speaker 02

  Different personalities. So it was so like when people are like, oh, you were quiet or you're this or that. I was just shut off.

• 34:06Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 34:07Speaker 02

  Like it was a culture shock to me.

• 34:10Bunnie XO?

  You take me as a type of person who reads energy too. Like you may not even realize that you're doing it, but you're assessing the situation. Before you jump into it.

• 34:19Speaker 02

  Yes. And that's just like, oh, she's, you know, the, the best parts were like, oh, she's high or she's, she's out like, I get that all the time now. She's on Xanax in episodes or she's.

• 34:30Bunnie XO?

  I wish.

• 34:31Speaker 02

  Same. I have like a natural downer personality as it is. Like if I did any of those things during the day, I would be drooling in a corner somewhere.

• 34:40Bunnie XO?

  I can't. I could lick, I could smell Xanax and I'll pass out.

• 34:45Speaker 02

  And it's, it's just me being me. Like I'm, if I'm not assessing the situation, I'm completely like zoned out. I'm, I'm literally thinking about like what I have to do in three days with my daughter at cheerleading or like I am just completely desensitized and disassociated.

• 35:05Bunnie XO?

  Disassociated. That's, that's a good word, but because of all the trauma that you went through as such a young girl, you probably do disassociate.

• 35:12Speaker 02

  Oh, and I did that on the red carpets too. So getting back to how awkward.

• 35:15Bunnie XO?

  Overwhelming.

• 35:16Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 35:16Bunnie XO?

  Oh.

• 35:17Speaker 02

  So I have stage fright. So when all those photographers or all those people are like yelling and like saying everything, I completely disassociate.

• 35:27Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 35:27Speaker 02

  Or I'll disassociate on the show when I know something's gonna happen that I'm like. Preparing for and I'm just like, you know, here it comes. But like my facial expressions give, I guess I give Xanax or frozen botox, which I need right now, by the way, very badly.

• 35:45Bunnie XO?

  Your skin is beautiful, by the way. I've been checking it out this whole time. You don't have one flaw on your skin. It's amazing.

• 35:51Speaker 02

  No surgery, like everyone says, but I do do injections, like.

• 35:55Bunnie XO?

  I think it's because you have beautiful cheekbones, any, because I have cheekbones too. Anybody that has fucking cheekbones, we get accused of having facial surgery.

• 36:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:04Bunnie XO?

  And I get it. I understand because people have the buccal fat removal and like the cheek implants, but sometimes people just have natural cheeks.

• 36:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:11Bunnie XO?

  You know?

• 36:12Speaker 02

  And mine are more prominent when I'm thinner and my weight fluctuates like day turns into night because I'm either like an emotional eater or I just like during COVID, I probably gained like 25 pounds.

• 36:26Bunnie XO?

  I think we all gained weight.

• 36:27Speaker 02

  Yeah. But so everyone after that's like, oh my God, she's changed so much. She looks so different. It's just like, no, I, I checked myself because during COVID, I'm sure it wasn't great for a lot of people, but like there was a lot of drinking and eating. It was very unnecessary in my household. I did not work out. I was drinking a bottle of wine a night. Face timing my girlfriends and it caught up, but um, so I lost, I, I finally got my shit together and I lost the weight, but everyone's like, you know, the surgery and she's frozen and she looks medicated. It's just like, no, I'm just, I'm 38, turning 39. I'm on a reality show. Now I have children.

• 37:08Speaker 02

  Having children is a different ballgame. Being on TV, I don't want to misrepresent my family. I don't ever want my children to look back at me and be like, how dare you? Because it's also a new age. 2009 is not 2024 in the way we live. What we said and did in 2009, you cannot do today. And even just as an older woman, I wouldn't do.

• 37:32Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 37:33Speaker 02

  And um, all that is flooding into me every time I film or every time I'm on the red carpet or every time I'm moving and I just straight up disassociate. And I'm just like, whoa, let's think about something else in my head.

• 37:47Bunnie XO?

  Do you think you'll ever stop filming?

• 37:50Speaker 02

  I hope not.

• 37:51Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 37:52Speaker 02

  I really hope not. I think our fans are growing up with us. Um.

• 37:58Bunnie XO?

  They've grown. They've grown up with you and now you guys have a new generation that you guys are raising.

• 38:03Speaker 02

  Those are funny.

• 38:04Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 38:04Speaker 02

  Those are funny. First off, like I'll go to the awards and I'll have like a twenty year old be like, I watch you. And I'm like, where was your mother? Your mommy, my mom, where was your mother?

• 38:16Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 38:16Speaker 02

  Cause you were not supposed to be watching me at eight years old.

• 38:19Bunnie XO?

  Oh, but that's what I mean. When like you were at, you were that big sister or even possibly a mother figure to, you know, these kids that grew up watching you.

• 38:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's, it is beautiful to see and I always try and think of that. I'll always be myself, but I'll always have that kind of like in the back of my head doing television like, what would your daughter think of you in this moment?

• 38:45Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 38:46Speaker 02

  But, but old teenage Jenny is always there. This is just my personality and I'm sure with you.

• 38:54Bunnie XO?

  Mm hmm.

• 38:54Speaker 02

  Our personality is our personality.

• 38:56Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 38:56Speaker 02

  Our childhoods are what built us, created us and made us.

• 39:01Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 39:02Speaker 02

  Um, the little bit of mandated therapy I did in as a child is okay, but I am so pro advocate therapy.

• 39:12Bunnie XO?

  Mm hmm.

• 39:12Speaker 02

  But I don't do therapy today.

• 39:14Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 39:14Speaker 02

  I live with my demons and I like it. I live with my trauma.

• 39:19Bunnie XO?

  With them, yeah.

• 39:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, I became friends with my demons. I became friends with my trauma. It's segueing into something that I want to try new in this world that I did during COVID. Um, because I think I can translate those demons and that trauma into art.

• 39:36Bunnie XO?

  Hmm.

• 39:36Speaker 02

  Where if you can't do that, because I think I am just an artist, because that was my dream as a child to grow up and, you know. Do Disney.

• 39:44Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 39:45Speaker 02

  Um, and become an animator. I wanna, I wanna change my trauma and I wanna take my trauma and like just turn it into art in other ways. Whereas if I had someone come up to me tomorrow and was like, you know, um, my son has this or my daughter has this or I'm experiencing this trauma. I would one hundred percent advocate for therapy.

• 40:06Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 40:06Speaker 02

  But for me personally, I, you know, I could just rant all the time. My trauma, I didn't, I don't know. I would love to know your side too of how you feel with that.

• 40:15Bunnie XO?

  Yeah, so I think focusing on you really quick. I think that you feel that way about therapy now because you were forced to do it as a child too.

• 40:24Speaker 02

  Possibly.

• 40:25Bunnie XO?

  I was forced to do it as a child. So when I was going through my super rebellion stage, I was like, fuck this. I'm not doing therapy, nothing. And then twenty nineteen, I got my implants taken out and I had a miscarriage. And it sent me into a fucking spiral and I'm telling you, the suicidal ideation was something I had never dealt with before. And when you talk about being like, you're becoming like your mom, that was my biggest fear in that moment. I was like, this is it. This is my breaking point. Like this is, you know, I'm never gonna be able to pull myself out of it. And, you know, that's when I got back into therapy because I was like, I have to let this out somehow. I didn't have a creative outlet besides the podcast, you know, but I don't trauma dump on the podcast. I like, I prefer other people to trauma dump.

• 41:09Bunnie XO?

  Um, so I did get back into therapy and I learned to fall in love with it because I learned to look at it as a way of kind of psychoanalyzing myself and figuring out what I needed to do to heal. That doesn't mean that.

• 41:22Speaker 02

  Oh, that's beautiful.

• 41:23Bunnie XO?

  That doesn't mean that that has to be your story. I think turning trauma into art is an amazing, you know, analogy. And I think that that's beautiful also.

• 41:32Speaker 02

  That's, no, that's beautiful too. Like I. Um, I'm so sorry, though. May I ask why you got your implants removed?

• 41:41Bunnie XO?

  Uh, sure.

• 41:42Speaker 02

  Only because I recently had to get mine redone.

• 41:45Bunnie XO?

  Wow, okay, yeah, so I was going through, um, I was having like these, like, I have severe anxiety. And I was, I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship when Jay and I met in 2016, so I'd never healed from that. And I had to heal during the beginning of our relationship with, with my husband. Um, I was having these panic attacks, um, I couldn't like go to the concerts because it looked like I was on acid. Like the room would like start melting. I couldn't see people's faces. Like it was really bad. And I had also recently got sober. I got sober in 2017 off of Xanax and Laura Tabs. And then I got so, and cocaine, and then I got sober off alcohol in 2018.

• 42:28Bunnie XO?

  So, thank you so much. So I think a whole, it was just a whole smorgasbord of never going my whole life, feeling anything because I was always numbing shit. To where when I was just like, I've got to figure out what's going on with my body. And then also my left boob was like swelling so high and like, uh, it was just like you couldn't touch it. And you could feel like something in here, like it was crazy. So it was just like a bunch of things. And I was like, you know what, I'm gonna get my fucking implants out. Maybe that'll may help my mental health as well as get the swelling to go down. And so I got my, I didn't have BII. I did have symptoms of BII, but I don't, breast implant illness.

• 43:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:08Bunnie XO?

  But I don't know if I can claim that I had breast implant illness, because I know.

• 43:12Speaker 02

  No capsular contraction.

• 43:13Bunnie XO?

  Some women battle that. So they went in and they did the surgery. My implant folded in half and scar tissue started growing around it. So that was why my left implant started getting so big. I had no idea a fucking implant could fold in half.

• 43:30Speaker 02

  And Frankie can back me on this, my producer, in July, I had the same thing.

• 43:36Bunnie XO?

  No way.

• 43:37Speaker 02

  That's why my jaw, my left boob, I box and I tore my muscle and my implant folded and I had a capsular contracture and my implant tried to go through my shoulder.

• 43:51Bunnie XO?

  Oh my god.

• 43:53Speaker 02

  It tore and I had to have like an emergency removal.

• 43:57Bunnie XO?

  Oh my god.

• 43:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:58Bunnie XO?

  I just got goosebumps.

• 43:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, and um, didn't think, never knew that was a thing. Had them for ten years. Not an issue. Not one day where they're, it just tore, where it tore, the scar tissue developed because it's realizing it's a foreign object.

• 44:14Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 44:14Speaker 02

  And it's trying to push it out. And I had to go in an emergency surgery. And I'm only laughing because I was like, oh my god, someone else experienced this.

• 44:24Bunnie XO?

  That's wild. You're the only other person, anybody else I've told that to, they're like, how did it fold in half? I'm like, I have no fucking clue. Do we know how yours folded in half?

• 44:31Speaker 02

  Like, the, um, when I tore, my muscle was swollen and it just like, kind of like.

• 44:38Bunnie XO?

  Curved it over.

• 44:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, and it just started like manipulate, but my arm went numb. Like, I was like tingly. It felt like I thought I was having a stroke. Like, tingly, my arm, my fingers were going numb. I couldn't lift my arm over my head. And it just looked at like, high.

• 44:54Bunnie XO?

  Oh, were you in pain too?

• 44:56Speaker 02

  So much pain.

• 44:57Bunnie XO?

  Oh. Did it start getting bigger?

• 44:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, so it, it technically wasn't bigger, it was longer.

• 45:03Bunnie XO?

  Hmm, oh god.

• 45:05Speaker 02

  Because it was like, it was.

• 45:06Bunnie XO?

  It was trying to squeeze out.

• 45:08Speaker 02

  So my plastic surgeon said, I, that was the first time I did shoulder surgery. He found part of my implant in my shoulder.

• 45:16Bunnie XO?

  Oh my gosh, do you have saline or silicone?

• 45:19Speaker 02

  Silicone.

• 45:20Bunnie XO?

  Oh my gosh, that's scary.

• 45:22Speaker 02

  I was like dying for pictures and videos. He did not take any. I was so mad because I was like, I want to see. So he had to go in and pull the implant from like, inside the pit shoulder.

• 45:32Bunnie XO?

  Oh my gosh.

• 45:34Speaker 02

  You couldn't see it up here, but like in pictures, I'm like, oh my, like, I didn't realize how high it was.

• 45:39Bunnie XO?

  Oh my goodness.

• 45:40Speaker 02

  The pain, the pain is like out of this world.

• 45:42Bunnie XO?

  Wow.

• 45:44Speaker 02

  As you know.

• 45:45Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 45:45Speaker 02

  And so are they gone gone?

• 45:47Bunnie XO?

  They're gone gone. These are mine.

• 45:48Speaker 02

  Good for you.

• 45:50Bunnie XO?

  Thank you. I mean, listen, I tell everybody if I'm feeling froggy when I'm sixty and want to get these old saggy runny eggs fucking up here, I might get some implants when I'm all, you know, two feet in the grave. But right now I'm just, you know, I, I think that aesthetic that I had, I was, you know, the super big boobs and just super bleached hair. It's like, I think as you get older, you try to go like more of a natural route.

• 46:11Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 46:11Bunnie XO?

  And I love fake boobs. I, the way they sit, the way they look, love them. But I just, my body just rejected them.

• 46:19Speaker 02

  Same. And I, I said to him this last time, I said, if it happens again, because now I have this like pocket from the muscle tear that if my body rejects. So this is what happens when you have something like this. And I love to share this because people don't realize BII or things that can go wrong, or capsular contracture, or things of this nature, and how plastic surgery, and this is why I'm not, I'm an advocate for plastic surgery, but I'm always like, you have to know A to Z when it comes to plastic surgery. So because of this situation, and because my body decided to reject my implant later in life, I had to get, thank God, not

• 47:02Speaker 02

  option A, but I will explain option A. Um, I had to get a, a human donor mesh to wrap around my implant. So my body wouldn't reject it again.

• 47:13Bunnie XO?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 47:14Speaker 02

  So this is like my last chance.

• 47:16Bunnie XO?

  What is that made out of?

• 47:19Speaker 02

  God forbid, I'm assuming an accident where someone donated their, their, I don't know.

• 47:26Bunnie XO?

  And what is it? Is it like a, is it skin muscle?

• 47:29Speaker 02

  I wish I could tell you. It's a mesh.

• 47:31Bunnie XO?

  We'll have to Google that. Can't one of you guys Google that?

• 47:34Speaker 02

  So, um, the other option, which was A, which really kind of upset me because I don't eat pork. I haven't in over a decade, was pigskin.

• 47:44Bunnie XO?

  Oh.

• 47:45Speaker 02

  So going into this emergency surgery, I thought I was gonna have to have pigskin wrapped around it. And it's just a way so your body doesn't reject the implant. It doesn't look like it as a foreign object.

• 47:56Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 47:57Speaker 02

  So they, so I'm assuming it might be human skin is the option, secondary option.

• 48:04Speaker 02

  But thankfully, he was able to get that instead of pig because I was like, the irony here, of course, I don't eat pig for ten years. And now I'm gonna have it inside of me.

• 48:15Bunnie XO?

  Is it a personal choice or religious choice for the pig?

• 48:18Speaker 02

  Personal. I fell in love with pigs. And I wanted, I don't know, I love animals more than humans. And when I fell in love with pigs, I look at them different now.

• 48:32Bunnie XO?

  It's fat?

• 48:33Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 48:33Bunnie XO?

  Weird. Yeah, that is weird because you would think fat would disintegrate.

• 48:36Speaker 02

  Donor fat. So, yeah, so it's just so like wherever they cut you open to put the implant, they mesh it. So your body, there's a barrier between your body and the implant for rejection purposes.

• 48:52Bunnie XO?

  That is wild. When they pulled, so they, he gave me my implants after he pulled them out.

• 48:57Speaker 02

  I'm mad at my doctor.

• 48:58Bunnie XO?

  There's shit floating around in them.

• 49:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:00Bunnie XO?

  I did a TikTok on it. There's literally like you can hold it up and see, and I had saline, I didn't do silicone. But you can see shit just floating around in the bag.

• 49:09Speaker 02

  Oh, my God. So it penetrated inside the bag?

• 49:12Bunnie XO?

  I don't know. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's in there, but it is gross. I was just like, golly, this is, and if, and again, it's saline, it's not silicone. So, you know, if that, if something can creep into a saline valve, that's a little scary.

• 49:25Speaker 02

  That is. Yeah. So, but your way, I, I reduce mine, but if this happens again, I'm taking them out.

• 49:33Bunnie XO?

  Yeah, I love it.

• 49:34Speaker 02

  Flapjack titties, I don't care.

• 49:36Bunnie XO?

  The body is so resilient. I thought I was gonna have flapjacks. The body is so resilient that your boobs fluff back up. It's wild. They fluff back up. So I have like a little perky, and I did a tiny lift with a micro surgeon, so I don't have really bad scarring. As long as you have a micro surgeon do your lift, it's, they look really good.

• 49:55Speaker 02

  I did a lift because I went from a G to a C. And I, I have to be like, I'm so happy because I barely see them and it's only, it hasn't been long. So when, um, I think when I can get like a laser or something, or like a scar reduction, I think they'll be gone.

• 50:12Bunnie XO?

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 50:13Speaker 02

  Praying though to the gods that it doesn't happen again.

• 50:16Bunnie XO?

  No, it won't. And we won't speak that in your life. But my friend does, uh, scar tattooing in Vegas. If you ever want to go to him and he can get rid of any scars that you have. Yeah, it's amazing. They do flesh colored, no tones.

• 50:28Bunnie XO?

  So Ta, uh, tell me about your relationship with Nicole. How did you guys become best friends? And are you guys really best friends in real life?

• 50:34Speaker 02

  Yes, I will say, I mean, I spoke to her all this morning.

• 50:41Speaker 02

  I, I can't even say how it happened and maybe she needed an older sister because she's an only child and I needed a younger sister because I'm an only child and we just, our personalities are so different that it just worked. She's just so sweet and innocent and pure and tiny.

• 51:01Bunnie XO?

  Snooky is sweet and innocent?

• 51:03Speaker 02

  She really is. She is day to day and I look up to her, even though she's literally a foot shorter than me.

• 51:12Speaker 02

  Because she is, she's just this like, she, she doesn't like confrontation where I'll take confrontation head on. And that's where her sweetness comes from. Like she doesn't want to fight. She's, she just wants to have a good time. She just wants to have, party and, and like, here's the best example. And she'll probably be like, why'd you talk about this? But like six months ago at her summer house, she invited me off camera. This girl has ride or die high schooler friends, a dozen of them. I can't say that about me. I have like one or two, but because I moved to New York City and went to college and separated from everyone because I needed to escape my childhood. I don't have that.

• 51:57Speaker 02

  And she took me into her circle of friends and her best friend since high school and me started crying over how much we love this girl and how much we love protecting her. So her best friend Steph was worried that I was going to take the position. And I always thought I was worried that I was overstepping Steph. But her best friend since like three years old was like, I'm so happy she has you in this life to protect her in this industry where I can't. And I was just sobbing and I was like, thank you so much for allowing me into her life. But we just, being completely different people.

• 52:38Speaker 02

  We just work and that might just be the reason why we're so close and we talk a hundred times a day and we're our kids godparents or and you know her first born is my godchild and I love him like I just love her kids unconditionally and my daughter knows that that's her aunt and my daughter knows like sissy is her cousin and they talk every day.

• 53:04Bunnie XO?

  No.

• 53:04Speaker 02

  But I look up to her in the sense that she is one of the most amazing parents. She took the world by storm by getting pregnant early on to the point where like Dr. Drew was like, "Dyphus should be called on you if we find out you're drinking." Like really like the world was not ready for Snooki to be pregnant.

• 53:23Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 53:23Speaker 02

  But by doing by but by choosing to have Lorenzo and saying, "This is gonna be my life," Nicole immersed and she's fucking incredible. I look up to her for business advice. She owns all these beautiful stores, mother advice, like she she can take on any task and own it.

• 53:45Bunnie XO?

  Hmm.

• 53:46Speaker 02

  And she's still Snooki.

• 53:47Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 53:48Speaker 02

  She still wants to party and have a good time. I would be fucking exhausted in bed by 2:00 PM. Like she's still like, "Let's rage and we're going out till 6:00 AM." I could never.

• 53:57Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 53:58Speaker 02

  And that's where my personality is like, "Bring it back."

• 54:01Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 54:01Speaker 02

  "I'm gonna reel you in."

• 54:03Bunnie XO?

  You might be the calm to her chaos.

• 54:05Speaker 02

  I think so. And I think when we're filming, we need that. We need each other. Like there is not like, "I I could use you." No, it's it's really like, "I need you." And we're so ride or die. I don't care who's wrong, who's right. Like she is like, "I'm gonna be in a nursing home with her."

• 54:25Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 54:25Speaker 02

  Next to my mother.

• 54:26Bunnie XO?

  You guys are each other's emotional support humans.

• 54:29Speaker 02

  We are. And I'm so thankful for her because I don't think if any other scenario would have came into play or our paths would have crossed in any other light, we would be who we are together. It took being on the show together to make us bond in the way that we do, but I, oh, she's my favorite, favorite little person, just my little like tiny.

• 54:54Bunnie XO?

  Your little nugget.

• 54:54Speaker 02

  She is. She's my little nugget. She's my little squirrel, I call her.

• 54:57Bunnie XO?

  I love that. Last question about Jersey Shore and then I want to move on to your kids. How do you feel about Sam being back?

• 55:07Speaker 02

  That one was emotional.

• 55:08Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 55:09Speaker 02

  Because, and I hope she agrees, um, we were super close before Jersey Shore Family Vacation came back. We weren't really that close during the first six seasons of Jersey Shore, but after that, um, I thought we were really close. And it hurt so much when she didn't come back. But again, this was me being young, not seeing it through her lens, not seeing it through her eyes with her ex, because I don't think I would ever go back on a show where my ex was.

• 55:39Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 55:39Speaker 02

  And I got bitter. And I got bitter to the point where I was like hating on her because I was like, why do you hate us so much? You won't come back to us. But now her being back is such a blessing.

• 55:51Bunnie XO?

  No.

• 55:51Speaker 02

  And it's like we haven't skipped a beat. And she's added to like group chat. We speak almost every day and it's, it's the Sam I've always wanted that I was never able to experience on a show. Because her and I, and I don't know why, because I wouldn't say we had the same personality traits. Her and I could never click the way that I always wanted to click with her in the original Jersey Shore.

• 56:16Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 56:16Speaker 02

  And we just developed that relationship before Family Vacation and then it was like stripped.

• 56:22Bunnie XO?

  Mm-hmm.

• 56:23Speaker 02

  But now we have the relationship I've always wanted with her. And I'm not, and I'll be honest, I'm not a girl's girl.

• 56:29Bunnie XO?

  Right. It, it's. But yeah, you could have fooled me. I think you are more of a girl's girl than you give yourself credit for.

• 56:33Speaker 02

  Authentic girls.

• 56:34Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 56:35Speaker 02

  And it's very hard, especially being on TV, to find someone that authentically wants to be my friend.

• 56:42Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 56:43Speaker 02

  I think it's easier for like maybe guys, or I just end up like gravitating towards guys because there's no drama.

• 56:50Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 56:51Speaker 02

  But to be an authentic friend is so hard, especially like a woman trying to find another woman.

• 56:57Bunnie XO?

  I, I agree. That's why I have my tribe and.

• 57:00Speaker 02

  I'm obsessed with that.

• 57:02Bunnie XO?

  I agree with you, finding. An authentic girl gang is really hard, but it's like, once you find those people, they are literally family.

• 57:12Speaker 02

  You can't let them go.

• 57:13Bunnie XO?

  At all.

• 57:13Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 57:14Bunnie XO?

  It's amazing.

• 57:15Speaker 02

  And I have one, and I say one friend from when I was in my single digit years old, that I will never let go to like, the day I die. Like, she is my ride or die. And I found a few along the way. But to say that I have girlfriends on a show that I've been with for 15 years, that I could call tomorrow or right now and say, I need your help, I know these girls would pick up.

• 57:38Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 57:39Speaker 02

  Nicole especially.

• 57:40Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 57:40Speaker 02

  She'd be like, what the fuck you do? But she'd pick up.

• 57:43Bunnie XO?

  Why'd you do it?

• 57:45Speaker 02

  And that's, and that's the most special part of the show. But I will also say, that might actually be our downfall of the show. Not our relationship.

• 57:53Bunnie XO?

  Because there's not enough drama.

• 57:55Speaker 02

  Because we protect each other more than I think any other show. And the boys too.

• 58:00Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 58:00Speaker 02

  There is something about us that drives our producers nuts, that we will literally side text each other, like, is this okay?

• 58:08Bunnie XO?

  Oh.

• 58:09Speaker 02

  Or am I okay?

• 58:10Bunnie XO?

  But you guys have learned that through the years, because honestly, and you know, this is not me disrespecting Jersey Shore in any way, but you guys have been through some trauma and shit on this show, you know? So now you guys actually have personal boundaries that you guys don't want to cross with each other.

• 58:25Speaker 02

  Hundred percent. And you'll see.

• 58:26Bunnie XO?

  And there's families involved now.

• 58:27Speaker 02

  Hundred percent. And you'll see that with Sam with this new season that's airing. Um, Sam is going to meet Ron soon. And it's been a decade. And, ooh, I got chills. And from the girl's perspective, we were riding and dying for Sam.

• 58:44Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 58:45Speaker 02

  As much as we love Ron, I told Sam in the show, and I don't know if it's going to air or not, we don't get to see it ahead of time, I need to be a girl's girl for you. Because ever since the note, I wasn't. So, and even though I didn't know what was going on in the note, and I only took information I heard, and I wanted to send it to you, and honestly, it's whatever. It's, because again, a 25 year child, and you don't know how to handle things, but.

• 59:10Bunnie XO?

  But in the note, you were warning her about him, weren't you?

• 59:12Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 59:13Bunnie XO?

  So I think that was kind of a girl's girl move.

• 59:16Speaker 02

  It was. It was being diplomatic, because what I was warning her about, a lot of people don't realize, Nicole and I never witnessed.

• 59:23Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 59:24Speaker 02

  So, we were just being told that information.

• 59:27Bunnie XO?

  Gotcha.

• 59:28Speaker 02

  And we can move on from it, and it's like, it's, you know, it's buried, but like. We were kinda like being like, well, if it's not true, nobody's hurt. If it is true, then the information is known.

• 59:39Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 59:39Speaker 02

  But this season that's airing, I am like, I need to be your girl. I need to have your back and whatever you don't feel comfortable with, like, I'm gonna have your back.

• 59:50Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 59:50Speaker 02

  And I can't wait for the viewers to see how it plays out. Because, you know, I don't know, I was there and um, I don't ever want her to leave. And I don't ever want her to feel like she's not in a safe place. So that is where I say, I, I do love girls and I am a girl's girl, but it's to a very few.

• 1:00:11Bunnie XO?

  I think you get to a space in life, though, where we aren't who we were in our twenties. And as you get older, you realize that you want that feminine energy around you, like, even if you hung out with nothing but dudes your whole life, there comes a point in your life where you just want the softness.

• 1:00:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:00:26Bunnie XO?

  Yeah, I couldn't agree more.

• 1:00:27Speaker 02

  And it's beautiful if it's the right group that you have. And you wanna ride or die for them.

• 1:00:34Bunnie XO?

  Yeah, absolutely. Well, I think they're lucky to have you on their side. So let's move on to the babies. I read somewhere that you actually, um, around the time of your grandma's passing, that you had a miscarriage yourself.

• 1:00:48Speaker 02

  Uh, yeah, I actually think it was within like forty-eight hours.

• 1:00:53Bunnie XO?

  Oh, my goodness.

• 1:00:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, I flew to LA that for my book. I um, didn't even expect, I didn't know what I wanted to do. I just thought I was in the heightened spot of my life. And having a kid, I was just like, it was all such, I was shocked. But I went to my doctor and I realized there was no more heartbeat. And then I had to live with that trauma.

• 1:01:18Bunnie XO?

  So you knew you were pregnant?

• 1:01:20Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:01:20Bunnie XO?

  Okay, so you knew you were pregnant?

• 1:01:21Speaker 02

  Early on, before like the twelve week mark.

• 1:01:24Bunnie XO?

  Gotcha. So it wasn't like a surprise miscarriage. It was, I mean, it was a surprise, but you knew you were pregnant.

• 1:01:30Speaker 02

  I knew, but I knew something was wrong. I don't know if, when it happened with you. It just, you, I just didn't feel something was wrong.

• 1:01:38Bunnie XO?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:01:39Speaker 02

  And then um. Us as women, we just know our bodies. Yeah, and I had to like pick myself off the floor. It was like, it was such a awful, I'll never forget the feeling. I don't remember the moment, I remember the feeling of just being like, I have to go to a book signing. And I had to pick myself off the floor. And then I get um, I had like three book signings or something in like LA county. And I was at my third one. And I get the call and it was like ten or eleven PM. Our time, which is like two AM east coast. And it was my dad and I just knew. You, I didn't even have to like answer, I just knew. And when I tell you the, from what happened.

• 1:02:23Speaker 02

  With the baby, which seems so insignificant to my grandmother, it was just game over for me. Like I was just a shell, true shell of a human being. That was rough. And we had to go film like a month later, Italy. Which was, you know, and when you film, there at that time, no cellphone, no internet, no TV, no anything, pens, papers, nothing. Um, you're just, you're just in it. And I think Italy, because I couldn't like. Uh, escape or numb myself. I had to like deal with those demons and I was just, I was probably a hundred, I'm a hundred and forty pounds walking, like this is my weight. I was probably a hundred and twenty pounds in Italy.

• 1:03:09Speaker 02

  I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to sleep. I was, at that point, I was like, you know, can I take drugs to, to end my life? Like the suicidal thoughts come into place, cause like, pain sucks. Yeah. Pain is terrible. Grieving is, yeah, grief is just like debilitating. And then I have cameras in your face, they didn't even know. They knew, but they didn't know the extent. They didn't know about my mom. They didn't know that, you know, my grandmother is someone that raised me. Like, they didn't, they didn't know. So it's like, production couldn't even step in to help because I was, I was just a shell. Like, I wanted the hate. Like, I wanted to feel

• 1:03:54Speaker 02

  like the piece of shit that I was. Like, I didn't want to feel better or to grieve or to um, go get therapy, which I really should have at that time. It was, I didn't even think it was an option for me. Like, to me, there was no options besides, like, you are just that, you know, just, this is how you're supposed to feel. And I wanted to numb it all. It was, it was pretty trying.

• 1:04:19Bunnie XO?

  I don't know how you even, it, us as women are so resilient when it comes to our emotions because to film while you're having suicidal ideation is, I couldn't even imagine. I know I was in a ri- a dark room and I remember Jay came in and he just held me one time because I drove myself to the hospital because I, and I had called my mom on the way there and I was like, I am having these thoughts where I just don't want to be here anymore and it's scaring me. So I'm taking myself to the hospital and she like, calmed me down. I couldn't imagine having to go and film in another country at that too, while going through that.

• 1:04:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, and so the miscarriage, I didn't even have to speak on that because my grandmother died. So I was just like, you know, and I actually spoke about this on Jersey Shore Family Vacation when we came back because Mike was just recently sober and clean. And I was experienced, I was explaining to him my experience with drugs. Because I've dabbled, I've always been like the partier and stuff, but at that point, right before Italy, I tried speedballing.

• 1:05:21Bunnie XO?

  Oh shit.

• 1:05:23Speaker 02

  To roll the dice. So it wasn't like an intentional, but I was like, we're gonna roll the dice.

• 1:05:30Bunnie XO?

  When you say speedball, what was it?

• 1:05:32Speaker 02

  Um, it was, I'm pretty sure it was Xanax and cocaine.

• 1:05:37Bunnie XO?

  Okay, gotcha.

• 1:05:38Speaker 02

  Like a, a, A rower and an upper at this like the same time.

• 1:05:42Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:43Speaker 02

  Is that considered?

• 1:05:44Bunnie XO?

  Is that considered? I think speedballs are heroin and meth. So that's why I wanted to clarify. I wanted to clarify that. I could be wrong though.

• 1:05:53Speaker 02

  Two thousand and twelve version or eleven version. No, it was a downer and an upper.

• 1:05:59Bunnie XO?

  Gotcha.

• 1:05:59Speaker 02

  It was my first script of Xanax because they were giving it to me to get through the the funeral and it was like, it was just a band aid, right?

• 1:06:10Bunnie XO?

  I love the way Xanax makes me feel. You just forget everything.

• 1:06:14Speaker 02

  It was, and it was only one script and then I'm a natural downer. So when I took it, I was like falling asleep. But I partied early twenties. So then I was like.

• 1:06:24Bunnie XO?

  Drink on it and it's.

• 1:06:26Speaker 02

  Drink. And so I was like, well, I want cocaine now to keep me up. And then I was just like, well, I don't care about my life. So let me add alcohol. And then I would be like too high. So then I would be like, let me go back down. And it was short-lived. It was a couple of weeks of my life, but I literally in those few weeks before filming, and thank goodness that I was able to go filming because it probably saved my life because you can't access those things in Italy.

• 1:06:50Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 1:06:51Speaker 02

  And then I dropped, dropped all that weight so quickly because I was just trying to numb myself to the point where I was like, I'm okay if I don't wake up tomorrow. Like I'm, I'm okay. And I think Italy on, on one aspect is bad as it was, it probably did save me. Because the thing with Italy is we rolled right into New Jersey without going home. So this was like 70 days of being away from friends and family. It was like thirty something in Italy, thirty something in Jersey. We touched down at JFK. We went right into a hotel. We took our Italy clothes and went right into New Jersey.

• 1:07:31Bunnie XO?

  Geez, that is grueling.

• 1:07:33Speaker 02

  It, it is. And it's not like what we would normally do. But we wanted to keep this momentum going and it was, you know, it was production, but that honestly probably saved my life because it forced me. Not to deal with everything, but at least force me to not get worse.

• 1:07:48Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 1:07:49Speaker 02

  I wasn't able to access anything. I wasn't able to be my own demise. I was, you know, even though we were partying and drinking and hanging out and doing things like there were no drugs on the table.

• 1:08:01Bunnie XO?

  And you had the group around you too. So that probably helped in the healing process.

• 1:08:06Speaker 02

  And it's weird like.

• 1:08:07Bunnie XO?

  Indirectly.

• 1:08:08Speaker 02

  Yeah. Filming, it takes you out of your reality, even though it is reality, it's, it's not.

• 1:08:13Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 1:08:14Speaker 02

  So you feel like this level of busyness and you're like, well, I'll do this, I'll do that where I grieved when season five was over. But I grieved in like a healthier way because time passed.

• 1:08:27Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 1:08:27Speaker 02

  And I was really able to digest her death and like what happened in February and like how everything transpired.

• 1:08:37Bunnie XO?

  That's amazing though.

• 1:08:38Speaker 02

  And actually it was yesterday.

• 1:08:41Bunnie XO?

  The.

• 1:08:42Speaker 02

  Anniversary. Yeah.

• 1:08:44Bunnie XO?

  Goodness.

• 1:08:44Speaker 02

  It just came up on the memories because it was a week before my birthday.

• 1:08:47Bunnie XO?

  Wow.

• 1:08:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:08:49Bunnie XO?

  Oh my goodness. That's wild. Isn't it crazy how life comes like full circle?

• 1:08:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:08:53Bunnie XO?

  It's wild. Let's talk about a happier subject.

• 1:08:56Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:08:57Bunnie XO?

  Let's talk about your little feisty spitfire, your daughter.

• 1:09:00Speaker 02

  Yes. My one and only, my one and only, my princess.

• 1:09:05Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:06Speaker 02

  I always say I can have a thousand Graysons and it's just because there's something about just to me having my one princess that I just want to put my all into and she truly is a spitfire. She's a mini version of me, but she will also call me out of my shit. She's not damaged like I was growing up. So she has a beautiful pers- perspective in life. Watching the Barbie movie really put in perspective for me because as I'm crying over the trauma that the Barbie movie shows you, she's laughing at all like the funny mannerisms and like quirky things. And I'm just like. That right there put in perspective that I'm raising her right where she doesn't understand

• 1:09:48Speaker 02

  anything. She doesn't understand America Ferrera's like speech and what's it like to be a woman yet and like the demise of like, you know, how how beautiful it is to be a woman, but also how it can be your demise. Like you could, there's like, there's a ceiling when it comes to women sometimes.

• 1:10:08Bunnie XO?

  Society builds you up to tear you down.

• 1:10:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. And, uh, but she like, so for Grayson, a thousand Graysons, I can deal, but like for me, like she's my, she's my princess. She is my, she's just everything to me.

• 1:10:25Bunnie XO?

  You had said something in that interview, the one that I had referenced earlier in the, the Vial Files podcast. You had said that, you know, you, and I thought this was, it almost made me cry. Like I literally, I was making dinner, listening to it and I started like tearing up. But you said, I realized there was, I had to love her differently. I don't know how, how, if I'm saying wording it correctly. But you said, I, I learned that I had to love her differently. Like you couldn't fight fire with fire with your daughter. And you said that you would go in there and when she's having one of her, you know, fits, you'll hug her or even afterwards, you guys take space and then you come back in and you hug her and you won't let go until she, she lets go.

• 1:11:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:11:02Bunnie XO?

  And I was like, oh, that just like the mother wound in me. The mother trauma wound. I was like, oh, that is so deep.

• 1:11:08Speaker 02

  I did that last night, actually. Yeah. Yeah. She, you know, and I always say like nature versus nurture, right? Because she didn't have the childhood I have. She has two great parents and she has a great stepfather and like she has the world at her fingertips. Like she is not poor with a single parent and by no means. She has everything. And she has my personality, that fire, that anger, that I'm not going to back down. And I'm like, is this a genetic thing? Like, is this nature? Or is it like, I always thought it was how I was raised. But to me, she's me as a child, but like I was raised by my dad.

• 1:11:51Speaker 02

  And I always say that, like grandpa raised me. You have no right. You have a mom. Like as a joke, but like. She will come at me ten times far like harder than I will come at her. And I knew the day that like she swore at four and I had to do the dawn. And she spit it out. She's like, try harder next time at four. Or four or five, because I just moved into the new house. And it's been five years. I knew that I had a different breed of child on my hands. And it was magnificent to see. I was like, well, can you just at least listen to me? Because I'm like, you're gonna take the world by storm. You're never gonna back down. But I knew disciplining was not going to be the discipline that I grew up with. Right.

• 1:12:36Speaker 02

  And even though I don't believe in spanking or corporal punishment or all these type of tactics. That's what I grew up to. And that's what I knew as discipline. So discipline in my house, I wouldn't even say it's discipline. I just think it's um. It's just like changing lanes. Yeah. It's you can have your feelings, but there needs to be a level of respect. And if you're feeling angry, there are words that we can't say during that anger. And if you need to swear, you go to the bathroom and you swear. Or if you need to like get it out, there needs to be other ways because. I'm sure with you, that corporal punishment didn't work for you either. It may be more rebellious. Exactly. Yeah.

• 1:13:21Speaker 02

  So I knew going into parenting and I didn't know that I would have to such extreme children. That I had to learn and grow with them. And that was really, this has been one of the most challenging parts of parenting. And they don't make a book on this. They don't teach you, you know, they teach you A, B, and C. They don't teach you the nitty gritty of like. This child, you know, my son, if I like, I'm gonna spank you. Oh, I'm out. I'm done. He's good. Like I would never spank him. But if I say like, Grayson, do you really want me to spank you? Oh, mom, I'm straightening up. I'm good. If I said that to my daughter. She'll be like, bring it on. Yeah. She will snap her neck and be like, try it. She'll be like, wait till I'm your size.

• 1:14:06Speaker 02

  Oh, she is, she is, but it's, it's to me, it's glorious. Because I also know. That she does not go around speaking like that in public.

• 1:14:16Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 1:14:16Speaker 02

  I know that I'm her safe place.

• 1:14:18Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 1:14:18Speaker 02

  Where she feels confident that she can speak her truth to me.

• 1:14:22Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 1:14:22Speaker 02

  She is like, I can tell you everything and more because I feel safe around you.

• 1:14:27Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:28Speaker 02

  Cause I'll see her out and she'll mind her Ps and Qs. She'll be perfect. She'll be genuine. She'll be pure. And then the moment we get in the car, she'll be like, oh my God. And she'll just go on a rant. And I'm like, oh, you held that in? Like, you're good. But like she, so she can already, she knows the difference already. And she also knows like, I am, I'm the one she will go the hardest with.

• 1:14:52Bunnie XO?

  Hmm.

• 1:14:53Speaker 02

  Because she knows I'm the one she can count on the most.

• 1:14:56Bunnie XO?

  Oh.

• 1:14:57Speaker 02

  And she can do that with. And I, and she, I mother her the way that I wished I was mothered growing up. So I'm like, I want you to feel safe. I was, I never felt safe growing up.

• 1:15:10Bunnie XO?

  Hmm.

• 1:15:11Speaker 02

  In that, in that way.

• 1:15:12Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:12Speaker 02

  And I love my dad and I cherish him and I will take care of him, Terry, to the end of days.

• 1:15:19Bunnie XO?

  We love you, Terry.

• 1:15:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, but like, it was just a different time and my dad couldn't afford emotions.

• 1:15:27Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:27Speaker 02

  He just couldn't. He could afford to put a roof over our head. He could afford to the, the ramen noodles on the weekdays. And he could afford the Tweety Bird clothing. But outside of that, like, or the bi-yearly, uh, Disney trips that were like off campus. Um, but he couldn't afford emotions. Emotions were just not allowed because he was raising a girl.

• 1:15:53Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:53Speaker 02

  So I allow all the emotions in my house. I allow all the conversations, all the yelling, all the screaming. I allow everything she needs.

• 1:16:04Speaker 02

  So she can then be like, all right, where's my hug? And then she kisses my forehead and she's like, good night. Thank you.

• 1:16:10Bunnie XO?

  No.

• 1:16:11Speaker 02

  So I allow her to go to bed with peace of mind. There's no anger.

• 1:16:15Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:16Speaker 02

  And I always have the conversations and I'm learning a lot of this on TikTok and this is why I love TikTok.

• 1:16:21Bunnie XO?

  Phenomenal.

• 1:16:22Speaker 02

  It is. I'm not a TikToker, but I watch.

• 1:16:26Bunnie XO?

  Yeah. Uh, it's a wealth of information.

• 1:16:29Speaker 02

  It is.

• 1:16:30Bunnie XO?

  I mean, from cooking to mental health to

• 1:16:33Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:16:33Bunnie XO?

  how to fucking raise a baby parrot.

• 1:16:36Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:16:36Bunnie XO?

  It's everything.

• 1:16:37Speaker 02

  Beautiful. It's such a beautiful platform and I'm so thankful to be on it as a fan of everyone. But they'll be like, and I'm sure you see a lot of boomer parents don't have conversations or don't speak to their children anymore. Their millennial children and millennial children are healing from their parents and trying to put their all into theirs. And that's very much mine. Only my dad's my best friend, but there's something to be said about TikTok where you hear these perspectives and I'm learning through TikTok like these conversational pieces. So I'll talk to Malani, which I learned on a, uh, a TikTok trend like,

• 1:17:20Speaker 02

  you know, if there's no more food or if I don't have to pay for your food or your house or your clothing anymore, would you still want to hang out with me? Would I still be your cool mom? And she goes, of course I'll hang out with you every day. And, and she'd be like, why do you ask this dumb question? I'm like, well, I saw this TikTok where there's this survey going around. If you'll hang out with your parents when you no longer need them for like food or shelter. And she'll look and I'll, and then I'll turn her and I'd be like, so what can I do better as a parent? She's almost 10. She's able to grasp it. She'd be like, well, we need to fight less. Cause and she'll say, she'll be like, it breaks my heart when we fight.

• 1:17:58Bunnie XO?

  No.

• 1:17:58Speaker 02

  And I'm like, I'm so sorry. I never mean for it to get to that level. She's like, but I know. I need to work on myself too, because I give you the hardest time. And I'm like, oh. And I was like, can you promise me something?

• 1:18:13Bunnie XO?

  She has the same self-awareness that you did.

• 1:18:15Speaker 02

  She does, but that's why I'm like, is it like a genetic thing? Is it just like, did I pass something on to you?

• 1:18:21Bunnie XO?

  Her soul picked you.

• 1:18:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, and she'll be like, and I'll tell her like, we need to keep this open dialogue and conversation going because I never want you to think at any point in our lives, 10, 20, 30 years from now, that you can't come to me open and honest. So if you need to check mom, you can check your mother. And I know if there's an older demo that watches you will disagree with that on such level. And that's the problem.

• 1:18:49Bunnie XO?

  I think so too. I feel like that generation stifled a lot of their children's voices.

• 1:18:54Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:18:54Bunnie XO?

  Where I let Bailey come on the podcast this week, it's dropping and I'm getting a lot of hate for letting a 16 year old talk about her trauma. But that's what my platform is about.

• 1:19:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:19:05Bunnie XO?

  So when my own child comes to me and says, Mom, I want to tell my story so that I can help other kids my age. What am I supposed to do? Tell her no? No, you have to wait till you're 18 to speak about things that have happened to you? It's wild that, you know, that demographic could even disagree. So look at their own glass houses and worry about their own problems.

• 1:19:26Speaker 02

  Do as I say. You're not allowed to have a voice. But it's like, what kind of parenting is that?

• 1:19:31Bunnie XO?

  It's not.

• 1:19:32Speaker 02

  Where your child can't have a voice and then it's a one-sided conversation. Cause you're self-proclaiming, you're perfect as a parent.

• 1:19:41Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:41Speaker 02

  And what you're doing is righteous and perfect. And at the end of the day, every person is imperfect.

• 1:19:48Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:48Speaker 02

  So if I am parenting you wrong and you need something else, and I learned that when I said that on the Vial Files, I learned in that moment, disciplining her in that way won't work.

• 1:20:00Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 1:20:01Speaker 02

  I need, and I needed to educate myself on how do I break down her walls? And make her feel safe.

• 1:20:08Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:09Speaker 02

  And loved while disciplining her.

• 1:20:12Bunnie XO?

  That's what a mom's supposed to do.

• 1:20:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:20:14Bunnie XO?

  Figure out how she can get through to you, figure out how you'll create that bond, that keep that bond and create that open, safe communication. And you know, just even a healing environment for her.

• 1:20:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:20:26Bunnie XO?

  That's a definition of a mom to me.

• 1:20:28Speaker 02

  To me too, and. Unfortunately, I'm learning that.

• 1:20:32Bunnie XO?

  Aww.

• 1:20:33Speaker 02

  I didn't have that, so I'm learning that.

• 1:20:35Bunnie XO?

  But you're doing a great job.

• 1:20:36Speaker 02

  And as I can see, so are you.

• 1:20:39Bunnie XO?

  I appreciate it. You don't have to compliment me though.

• 1:20:41Speaker 02

  You gotta take your flowers. You're allowed, I mean, you're not getting enough credit too. You, you have your bonus child and you're learning the same way I am and you're giving your teenage daughter a platform that is allowing her to speak because she has trauma, like she lost her mother, like those, these are terrible things to go through as a child and you're allowing her to heal and learning and I can't even say that for parents that I know that birthed these children.

• 1:21:12Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:12Speaker 02

  That, that, and I know people in my life that I'm like, you need to educate yourself on parenting a little bit more and I'm not saying that I'm great by any means, but like, I, I think I know my children well enough and that's all it is. Just get to know your children well enough to see what works and what doesn't and don't follow what you know.

• 1:21:34Bunnie XO?

  Even better, become the parent that you needed and that's what you've done and that's what I'm trying to do with Bailey. Bailey's story is so similar to mine as a child, it's crazy and I know that God placed her in my life to heal and that's what I'm gonna do and I choose to do with that lesson that he's, that lesson and blessing that he's sent me. So, yeah, I love it. I loved hearing that story about, it's Mulaney?

• 1:21:55Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:21:55Bunnie XO?

  Yeah, about Mulaney. So, take me on the journey with you and your son. Are we good on time? Cause I just wanna make sure. Are we okay?

• 1:22:01Speaker 02

  I don't know what time it is.

• 1:22:02Bunnie XO?

  It's 2:30.

• 1:22:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:22:03Bunnie XO?

  Okay, cool. It's just this and then I wanna talk about your engagement. So, um, so take me on the journey with your son because you are super outspoken about, um, you know, being a mom of an autistic son.

• 1:22:16Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:22:16Bunnie XO?

  And take me on that journey.

• 1:22:22Speaker 02

  The whole thing?

• 1:22:23Bunnie XO?

  I mean, just, yeah. So, you know, take me to the diagnosis.

• 1:22:27Speaker 02

  Oh, sure.

• 1:22:28Bunnie XO?

  Like, you know, you, you had your son and then did you, was there signs? Did you know that he was autistic early on? Or did it take a while for you to be like, hey, something's not adding up here?

• 1:22:41Speaker 02

  Even though they're not parallel, when raising newborns and toddlers, you go to a pediatrician and you're supposed to hit certain milestones. And my daughter was always great hitting her milestones. Uh, and Grayson, after about a year, started really slowing down. And in the state of New Jersey, they're able to get you something called early intervention, which is, has no diagnosis attached. It's just like, hey, your pediatrician said, he's not hitting his milestones. We can work with him.

• 1:23:17Speaker 02

  And at that point, I, I would say that I was pretty, um, in denial. But, uh, I mean, he wasn't responding to his name. This is 15 months. Any cues? Do you want your ba ba? Do you want an apple? Do you want lunch? Nothing. And at that point, even though he was in early intervention, again, they don't diagnose, but they will help with getting him up to the milestone that's needed. So the pediatrician can check a box.

• 1:23:44Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 1:23:45Speaker 02

  Um, I really thought he was deaf. And maybe that was just like the hope in me. Because I was hitting a point where I was like, he's not responding to his name. I actually have it. And if you want to dig it up, you can. There's an old YouTube video that I posted on it. And I'm like screaming his name. He's running away. Like, he's in his diaper in our yard, running away. And there's no acknowledgement and he's throwing tantrums and.

• 1:24:14Speaker 02

  throwing himself on the ground and you know there was just no acknowledgement so we got an ENT appointment which is ear, nose and throat and we got his hearing tested again at birth, fine hearing so I was like maybe something happened I'm hearing a lot of kids in our area we're having like friends of ours were like they needed tubes in their ears and like I was like maybe he's just got clogged hearing and he it's muffled and they gets tubes and it's great because he did have like four or five back to back ear infections so all that was aligning but again I really look back and I think I was in denial we go to ENT they're like no he has perfect hearing and that was a day that it was

• 1:24:57Speaker 02

  it was i- i- it sucked his father went back to work I sat in my like little BMW with him and just started crying like because I knew that whatever battle we were about to go through that it wasn't going to be an easy one so he again is still going through early intervention and the state of New Jersey allows it up until two years old so he missed his eighteen month I think eighteen to twenty-four month pediatrician appointment I purposely pushed it because I knew he was going to fail so I was like let's go get like four more months of early intervention speech OT whatever the case may be actually he didn't even he didn't even like was able

• 1:25:42Speaker 02

  to apply to speech because he didn't speak so he he wasn't even like allowed to do speech because there was no speech so it was like OT and it was just their version of ABA which is behavioral therapy and we go to like his eighteen to twenty-four month appointment I think at like twenty-eight months I can't recall it was it was months delayed I delayed it as much as I could just to give him a chance to nail his milestones He failed so miserably.

• 1:26:18Bunnie XO?

  Oh.

• 1:26:19Speaker 02

  I laugh now because he is my, he is my most perfect child I could ever ask for. He is the light in my eyes. He's the easier one of the two, by the way. All this.

• 1:26:31Bunnie XO?

  I heard boys are sweet. It's the girls that you have to worry about.

• 1:26:34Speaker 02

  Sweet as pie. This, he could do no wrong in my eyes. My daughter is just, they're so different. They're just everything to me in two different ways.

• 1:26:43Bunnie XO?

  No.

• 1:26:43Speaker 02

  So. We go to this appointment and um, he fails miserably and I knew it. I knew it. There are things that are like early signs where you flap. And you twinkle toes, which is like where you run on your tippy toes. Um, no speech, no eye contact. Like when you, you name it, he didn't pass it. And that was the day that they wrote me a script to go to like a children's specialized hospital. And to find a diagnosis. And at that point, without diagnosing him, our pediatrician was like, you're most likely looking at autism, but

• 1:27:28Speaker 02

  that doesn't mean that's not a death sentence.

• 1:27:30Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 1:27:31Speaker 02

  Um, and also by getting a diagnosis, your insurance can help him. So I'm thinking, okay. We go to children's specialized and I'll be honest, I could tell they did not want to diagnose my son

• 1:27:45Speaker 02

  as a celebrity. They're like, we can't get this wrong. So I know that like what normally probably takes two or three appointments was a ton.

• 1:27:52Bunnie XO?

  Wow.

• 1:27:52Speaker 02

  And they brought in specialists. Like they were like, we're bringing a, instead of like just an ABA therapist, we're bringing in doctor, like five different doctors from speech, OT, this Russian woman that I thank every day for meeting me. She had this heavy accent and I'll never forget.

• 1:28:09Bunnie XO?

  Those Russians get shit done.

• 1:28:11Speaker 02

  She did. She had no emotion to. And when I, I'll tell you what she said to me. It was, it stuck with me and I gotta find her. I have to look at his diagnosing papers and like really reach out to her and say, thank you because you saved my son.

• 1:28:24Bunnie XO?

  Oh.

• 1:28:24Speaker 02

  Um. So all five end up diagnosing Grayson. And after the tears are wiped and after all of this, um, you go to a window with a script. And at Children's Specialized Hospital, they tell you, you're gonna come here and you're gonna get like two hours of OT and two hours of speech and like four hours of ABA. And I remember the Russian lady going, no. You're gonna get forty hours of ABA every week for years. And that's gonna change your son's life. No. Not four hours, not six hours a week, forty. Wow. And I'm thinking, how the hell am I gonna pull that off as a working mom? We just entered Jersey Shore, I ended Snooki J Wout, but we were doing Moms with Attitude.

• 1:29:10Speaker 02

  I was pushing really hard on social media to be a stay at home working mom. I was doing everything under the sun to be like a brand ambassador. This is pre TikTok. Because I needed to make money for my children. And I was like, that alone is forty, fifty hours a week. Yeah. How am I supposed to sit in a hospital with him for eight hours a day, five days a week? Cause that's what she said. She goes, I don't care. This is what's going to fix your son. So I take the script and I go to like the little like almost checkout and I'm like, I need to sign my sign up for. Sign up for like two hours of, you know, speech this week and two hours of OT. And they're like, all right, great. I get a call like three hours later and they're like.

• 1:29:53Speaker 02

  Your insurance doesn't take congenital diseases. And apparently. Insurance is such a scam. They stated that autism is something you're born with. Like Down Syndrome and that's congenital. It's something you're born with. I actually learned that on Vile Files. Cause I was like, I actually don't, I don't even know what congenital means. Yeah. And that's what my ex-husband's insurance stated autism is by definition. I don't know if autism is something you're born with. Right. I, I don't think it's a proven theory. It's not like Down Syndrome where you can see a marker is missing. Or is it added or missing? I don't wanna misspeak. Missing, I believe. Missing. Added?

• 1:30:38Speaker 02

  It's added, right? Forty-three instead of forty-two. I'm the wrong person to ask. Yeah, I think it's like forty-three instead of forty-two or something like that. And um, I was like, wow, this is, this fucking sucks. Yeah. Um, so then I was like, well, fuck it. I am doing all these brand ambassadors. I brand and there's a reason for this. So I do all this brand ambassadoring. I'm on Facebook. I'm on Instagram. I'm on YouTube. I make YouTube videos every other week. And I said, well, then I guess I need my own insurance. And I need to hire my friends who are helping me on these videos as my employees full-time. And I'm gonna make an LLC and I'm gonna work my way around it.

• 1:31:23Speaker 02

  And I'm gonna apply for the insurance that's needed for my son to get the help that he needs to get forty hours of ABA every week. Go mama, go. So I asked my friends, would you consider working for me full-time? We'll make, and this is when content creation was huge. We'll you, we'll make YouTube. We'll do everything we're doing now and we'll just gas it. We'll just blow it up. And I don't care if I monetize. I need to get my son's insurance. And my friends were like, yeah, fuck it. We're independent contractors and they'll need insurance too. So I created an LLC. I applied for private insurance. I was able to have the, the two employee minimum.

• 1:32:05Speaker 02

  And I spent twenty-five hundred dollars a month on this private insurance for me and Grayson. And he got forty hours of in-house ABA every week and OT and speech. And when I doubled down, ABA is what saved him. He is a fucking incredible little human that is above not only the state.

• 1:32:29Speaker 02

  But our township curve so with education in math and literacy. He is top of his class. He is, don't get me wrong, he's a little shit starter, but like he is.

• 1:32:43Bunnie XO?

  I mean, he's your child, so.

• 1:32:45Speaker 02

  He went from not speaking, not, he went into first grade, he's in second, first grade without reading, without even comprehending what a word is on paper.

• 1:32:53Bunnie XO?

  Wow.

• 1:32:54Speaker 02

  To he is like a G or H reading level.

• 1:32:57Bunnie XO?

  Aww.

• 1:32:58Speaker 02

  He knows how to read books front to back. He's like reading Harry Potter with me.

• 1:33:02Bunnie XO?

  He talks too. I saw a couple of videos.

• 1:33:04Speaker 02

  Incredibly.

• 1:33:04Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:33:05Speaker 02

  He's in jujitsu with my fiancee twice a week. He wants to wrestle the same way my fiancee does. He, when I tell you, he will tell me how it is. He, he is, like not only talks, it's, he, he won't stop talking. I'm like, I know I wished this for a few years, but can you not?

• 1:33:28Bunnie XO?

  Maybe take it down just a notch, but.

• 1:33:30Speaker 02

  And he argues so fluidly. I'm like, as much as I want to be like, can you like not? I'm like proud. I'm like so proud. I'm like, you can argue with me. Three years ago, I would have, I would never have guessed that we would be here. And I don't think a lot of people give the accolades that they need. Cause you know, I've had people in my life and in his life, unfortunately, that'll be like, well, you don't know if he would have just ended up like this. It's always the doubters, right? It's always, you don't know if like, what you did was even the reason. Like he could have just been slower than the norm.

• 1:34:05Bunnie XO?

  And next time somebody says that, be like, but I didn't wait around to find out.

• 1:34:09Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 1:34:10Bunnie XO?

  I did what a mom is supposed to do and I advocated for my children and that's what the fuck any mom should do. And I'm so proud of you for doing that.

• 1:34:19Speaker 02

  No, thank you. And I, you know, he was put into my life for this. He was, he was put into my life to understand sensory needs and sensory issues. And I'm on the board of Culture City now with some of the most amazing people advocating for children and adults like my son or Down syndrome and PTSD and war veterans and everyone alike. So they're able to go to venues or fly or go to places they never thought they would be able to.

• 1:34:51Speaker 02

  And it's all because of him and I thank him every day. I'm like, your story is being told through the universe even right now. And it's so beautiful because your story is going to help so many people. And we're going to break those barriers. So everyone like yourself or everyone with PTSD and Down syndrome and you know, war veterans that can't hear certain noises can live a beautiful life. And I always say, and it's all because of you and you opened my eyes to want to help people just like you.

• 1:35:26Bunnie XO?

  You have a, a phil-, uh, what is it? Phil-, I don't want to say it the right way. Philanthropic aura with, uh, you're just so sweet and like giving back just makes you so happy watching you talk about advocating for your son and being on the board and all that stuff. Just I, it really like fills your cup. Like it's, it's beautiful to watch because you can tell you really believe in this and just the wholeheartedly like it's your mission in life.

• 1:35:53Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:35:54Bunnie XO?

  I love that.

• 1:35:55Speaker 02

  I have two passion projects in my life. That's one. That's my ride or die. That's the one that like, I'm waiting for Grayson to take over my legacy and that so he can speak for himself through his eyes. And I'll be honest, he doesn't know he has autism. We don't speak about it.

• 1:36:11Bunnie XO?

  Yeah, we don't need to. Why put it, why put a label on it? There's no need for it.

• 1:36:14Speaker 02

  If I say Culture City or if I say autism, he's like, what's that? And I'm like, nothing, honey. Just something that mommy's talking about because Grayson's Grayson. And I advocate for him, but he doesn't have to know that it's because of a diagnosis he had. He just remembers who Grayson is today. He doesn't know who Grayson is or was at two and three. And there'll be a day, and that's the reason why I saved those videos for him to see when he's way older, probably your daughter's age, and he can digest that. And I'm going to let him take that and whatever he wants to do. If he wants to be an advocate, amazing if he wants to close that chapter in his life. Because I don't believe.

• 1:36:58Speaker 02

  In a couple of years, he'll need assistance anymore.

• 1:37:01Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:37:02Speaker 02

  He has wonderful teachers in his school system that help him, but I, I truly believe he'll be with the general, um, population and mainstreamed by middle school.

• 1:37:13Bunnie XO?

  Hmm.

• 1:37:14Speaker 02

  And so it might just be, and that was the goal. That was what that Russian lady told me. She's like, you're, you need to, you need to do this now. So by the time he's in middle school, you won't need me.

• 1:37:26Bunnie XO?

  But look at you for, you know, kudos to you for listening to her because if somebody could have looked at her, had been like 40 hours a week, like that's crazy, but you thought it was crazy, but you still did it. Now look at the results that you've gotten with your son.

• 1:37:41Speaker 02

  Incredible.

• 1:37:42Bunnie XO?

  You're an incredible woman. That's like, that just warms my heart here and all of that. You're such a fighter for, you know, good causes and, you know, for your children and just after all the shit you've been through to become the woman that you have is really admirable.

• 1:37:56Speaker 02

  Thank you. It's, it's still scary. My other passion project, the one that is stemming off of my trauma where I'm trying to like use it, that one intimidates me.

• 1:38:06Bunnie XO?

  Which is, is it the horror movies?

• 1:38:08Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:38:10Bunnie XO?

  Let's talk about it.

• 1:38:12Speaker 02

  And my, my fiance was like, you have to talk about it. I was like, I really don't want to. He's like, well, I'm going to call your manager and tell you that you have to.

• 1:38:18Speaker 03

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• 1:38:48Speaker 02

  And it's scary because I'm finally comfortable in my own skin right now.

• 1:38:52Bunnie XO?

  Hmm.

• 1:38:53Speaker 02

  I am. I'm just, I'm being honest, but.

• 1:38:56Bunnie XO?

  No better feeling.

• 1:38:57Speaker 02

  It is, but I don't do well in it. I want to get uncomfortable again.

• 1:39:02Bunnie XO?

  Wow.

• 1:39:03Speaker 02

  So during COVID, my dad was like, what do you want to be when you grow up? And I said, I have no idea. And I'm damn near pushing 40, but when I, I decided that I wanted to take, now you know the full story of my background where file files didn't, I live with that trauma.

• 1:39:23Speaker 02

  But my dream was to make psychological thrillers. Not necessarily horror, which I love horror, but psychological thrillers through the eyes of schizophrenic people. Oh. And that's something that I have not spoken about. This is you turning your trauma into art? Yeah. So my, the first movie I made during um COVID is through a uh psychiatrist's eyes going through her master's degree or her doctorate's degree and doing an experiment on people to see if they could, she could break. Wow. She could break them. Wow. Yeah. That's heavy.

• 1:40:05Speaker 02

  That is. And my second one that I'm about to go pitch that I'm finalized, I just finished writing is through the eyes of a woman that possibly has schizophrenia. So to her though, it's real. But to the others, is it? So it's, and I want to play on that. So I, it's not like the slasher films, it's not like the, you know, the, the horror movies of, you know, today and things. It is through the eyes of mental illness. But I think there's something so beautiful to it. Because to me, when I speak to my mom, and I'm sure when you spoke to yours,

• 1:40:44Speaker 02

  it's matter of fact, your mother had five or six siblings. That's what she believes. What my mom says to me, it's what she believes. And it took me thirty something years to get over that anger and being like, that's not real. Like, that's not real. The thing about schizophrenia is you, and if you have a loved one in that, with that mental illness, you have to just accept the fact that what they see and hear is just true to them. And when you can get over that, I feel like you can have a beautiful relationship. Or you can just roll with the punches and you can um you can like you can accept their way of life.

• 1:41:28Speaker 02

  Doesn't have to be the relationship you expected it to be, but it can be a relationship.

• 1:41:32Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 1:41:33Speaker 02

  And so I'm taking my trauma as my childhood and and there is a day that I dream to make one about my mother in itself, but I have to actually do this well.

• 1:41:45Bunnie XO?

  Yeah, I think you will.

• 1:41:47Speaker 02

  Have to get there.

• 1:41:48Bunnie XO?

  I feel like when you dial into things, you really.

• 1:41:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, I want to tell my mother's story through her eyes one day.

• 1:41:56Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:41:56Speaker 02

  That would be my like avatar. I swear.

• 1:41:59Bunnie XO?

  I love that.

• 1:42:00Speaker 02

  But so all the movies that I want to make and they're little indie films and they're they're just my passion projects because I feel like that's my therapy.

• 1:42:10Bunnie XO?

  You have been making them, correct?

• 1:42:11Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:42:12Bunnie XO?

  You've been writing, directing, producing?

• 1:42:14Speaker 02

  Yes, because nobody can take my baby from me.

• 1:42:17Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 1:42:17Speaker 02

  So if I'm gonna do psychological thrillers, I need to do it my way. So I wrote, directed and produced the first one. The second one I'm going to do, um I I wrote it, I'm gonna direct it. Uh I will hire a production company because it's actually a real budget. It's not my own money. The first one was my own money. And I'm gonna try and pitch it to to Paramount or Shudder, whoever will have me.

• 1:42:45Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:42:46Speaker 02

  Um.

• 1:42:46Bunnie XO?

  You're manifesting right now.

• 1:42:48Speaker 02

  I I hope.

• 1:42:49Bunnie XO?

  You are.

• 1:42:49Speaker 02

  Uh but yeah, there there's something I I I want to give my mom a legacy.

• 1:42:56Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:42:56Speaker 02

  And it's kind of a messed up legacy, horror thrillers, but I want to give I want to give people with that type of mental illness a legacy and to say and to kind of break the barriers the same way I do with my son, even if it's in a in a in a weird way, because it can be healing and it can be a conversational piece. If you see a movie two ways, if you see a movie that you can see it through the eyes of a schizophrenic and the eyes of a logical person, that that's not a schizophrenic in that movie and you can sit together and have a almost an argument or a conversation and be like, well, I agree with. This person or I agree with that one. It opens a dialogue of the bigger picture.

• 1:43:41Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 1:43:42Speaker 02

  And the bigger picture is how they view the world. And how we should be softer to how they view the world. And that is, um, that's my goal.

• 1:43:54Bunnie XO?

  I love that.

• 1:43:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:43:55Bunnie XO?

  I think that's awesome. And I think that you're doing a really good job with the trauma that you were given. And I understand now why therapy isn't a thing for you because you're an artist at heart. So creating is what makes you happy.

• 1:44:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:44:09Bunnie XO?

  I think that's amazing. I can't wait to see it. I want to see it. You gotta send it to me. Send me the first one. I want to see it.

• 1:44:15Speaker 02

  My baby one, uh, that I made a COVID is like, you know, balling on a dollar budget.

• 1:44:20Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:44:21Speaker 02

  It's nothing to be, it's my proud moment to say that I'm gonna do this.

• 1:44:26Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:44:26Speaker 02

  This is what I'm going to do.

• 1:44:28Bunnie XO?

  Your first attempt. You wanted to see if you could follow through with it. Yeah.

• 1:44:31Speaker 02

  To see if I'm capable. But the, the one, the one that I want to make for my mom, um, it's, and I haven't even written it yet, but that one, I want to, you know, uh, I want to make in her, in her eyes and I, I want to tell her story of how in 2017, when my, when the hospital called me saying that she was wandering the streets for three days and was lost and confused and didn't know who she was and hadn't had a drink or water. And this was right before I was leaving for Vegas for the New Jersey Shore family vacation. And I have to shout out one of my producers.

• 1:45:11Speaker 02

  This is the story I want to tell. My mom was lost wandering the streets, confused, not knowing who she was. And the thing about schizophrenics, they still have free will, ironically.

• 1:45:21Bunnie XO?

  It's wild.

• 1:45:22Speaker 02

  And she was.

• 1:45:23Bunnie XO?

  Our world is in a mental health crisis.

• 1:45:25Speaker 02

  Wild.

• 1:45:25Bunnie XO?

  As far as help wise.

• 1:45:27Speaker 02

  So. She lived in the state of New York and I could not get her in the state of New Jersey to save my life because she had free will and she never wanted to move away from what she known. But this was obviously a detrimental situation I was in. So I told my mom, do you want to come swimming at my house?

• 1:45:43Bunnie XO?

  No.

• 1:45:44Speaker 02

  She goes, yeah, for sure. I want to spend the summer and come swimming at your house. That was my way of getting her to New Jersey to save her. Because the, the hospital was like, well, she's going to be released. I had my fiance's sister pick her up at the hospital, pick her cat up that was stuck in her apartment and drive her to New Jersey, where I had nowhere to put her, nowhere. I didn't know what to do. And my producer Ashley was like, I have an assisted living home friend, like my best friend runs one. And she had my mom in there within a week. Her diabetes stabilized. Her, um, her blood sugar, everything and, and a, um,

• 1:46:26Speaker 02

  a psychiatrist and medicated, she was off her meds, she was off everything. And I had to go to Jersey Shore the next day.

• 1:46:32Bunnie XO?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 1:46:33Speaker 02

  But if it wasn't for Ashley, I would have never made the show. I would have never have been able to help give my mom the care that she needs. And I would have never have gotten her out of New York. Because that's where she was choosing to live and, and I had no right.

• 1:46:48Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:46:49Speaker 02

  So the opener of the movie is going to be through her eyes, walking those three days. And nine, when we had a heat wave in the state of New York where like all the air conditioners broke. I don't know if you saw it on the news, it's just like, damn near eight years ago. And that's going to, that's how I envision the opener of it being.

• 1:47:08Bunnie XO?

  I love that. And I think that's going to be captivating.

• 1:47:10Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:47:11Bunnie XO?

  Because a lot of people deal with mental health issues. Some might not be as extreme as schizophrenia, but their, mental health is rampant. And everybody deals with either if it's a form of depression, a form of anxiety. Uh, BPD is, is people are speaking up more now about having it. So I really think that these are going to be healing for children of people who have schizophrenia. And as well as children of parents who have mental illness and people who have mental illness themselves.

• 1:47:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:47:40Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:47:41Speaker 02

  That's my goal.

• 1:47:42Bunnie XO?

  I love it. I think it's amazing.

• 1:47:44Speaker 02

  It's my therapy.

• 1:47:45Bunnie XO?

  I really, I love it. I think it's a beautiful thing.

• 1:47:48Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 1:47:48Bunnie XO?

  The last thing I want to talk to you about is your relationship.

• 1:47:53Speaker 02

  Ah.

• 1:47:53Bunnie XO?

  How's that going?

• 1:47:55Speaker 02

  It's good. You know.

• 1:47:58Speaker 02

  It's, so I'm scared to talk about it because it is so good.

• 1:48:02Bunnie XO?

  Oh.

• 1:48:03Speaker 02

  And I also.

• 1:48:03Bunnie XO?

  People ruin great things.

• 1:48:05Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:48:05Bunnie XO?

  Try to.

• 1:48:06Speaker 02

  People, you know, we came off Rocky on the show originally, but that's not who he is and that's not who I am. And reality TV is, you know, the devil that I play with.

• 1:48:15Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 1:48:16Speaker 02

  And it's my career, but like, he is my light every.

• 1:48:21Bunnie XO?

  Oh, sorry. I felt it. I felt it falling and I was like, um, trying to hold it.

• 1:48:28Speaker 02

  Oh, I didn't realize it was on that.

• 1:48:30Bunnie XO?

  May I just give you that? Okay, thank you. Sorry. Now I understand why there's a weight right there. I was like, were you working out right before?

• 1:48:39Bunnie XO?

  It wouldn't be too far off, though. I do do weird shit. I'll eat like a piece of pizza, like especially when we're traveling. I always tell them, um, there we go. When we're traveling, I tell them, I'm like, I always gain three pounds when I hang out with you guys. So I'll eat like a piece of pizza and then I'll start like lifting weights afterwards. I'm sorry. When you, once you hit forty, that shit does not come off as easy as it did.

• 1:49:01Speaker 02

  You hit forty?

• 1:49:02Bunnie XO?

  I'm forty-four.

• 1:49:03Speaker 02

  I'm sorry. What?

• 1:49:05Bunnie XO?

  I love you. Yeah, I'm forty-four. The internet, the internet says I'm, what, how old does it say I am?

• 1:49:13Bunnie XO?

  Yeah, I, I always say I'm an eternal vampire on the internet. So I've had to be very, it's crazy because I used to get so much hate where people were like, you're too young to talk about the things you talk about. And I can't believe Jelly Married's so young. And then.

• 1:49:26Speaker 02

  How old is he?

• 1:49:27Bunnie XO?

  Just turned thirty-nine.

• 1:49:28Speaker 02

  I really thought you were younger than me.

• 1:49:30Bunnie XO?

  Oh, I love you, but no. Sorry, guys. Sorry about that. My microphone fell over. But, um, okay, so let's fire, let's go, let's get back on track and let's talk about your, um, relationship.

• 1:49:40Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:49:41Bunnie XO?

  So how's that going? And can you tell me a little bit about like, do you guys have plans for a wedding or what's going on with that?

• 1:49:49Speaker 02

  Um, I don't know if I'm gonna take, so I've been married before. And by getting married, I don't think it defines a great relationship.

• 1:49:58Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 1:49:59Speaker 02

  It just, to me anyways.

• 1:50:01Bunnie XO?

  I agree.

• 1:50:01Speaker 02

  Been there, done that. Like, it just doesn't define a great relationship. So what I have with Zach is so precious. I'm trying to do everything I can to make sure it just stays exactly what it is. He is like my knight in shining armor and I protect our relationship.

• 1:50:19Bunnie XO?

  You guys, I am so sorry Jenny, goodness. I'm like sitting here.

• 1:50:26Speaker 02

  I know.

• 1:50:26Bunnie XO?

  Trying to hold it and I'm like, yeah, uh huh, that's great. Here, let me just hold the mic.

• 1:50:31Speaker 02

  This is amazing.

• 1:50:32Bunnie XO?

  Okay. All right.

• 1:50:36Bunnie XO?

  All right, we good? I'm not touching it. All right. I'm not touching it. All right, so let's get back to the relationship. So. Marriage does not define a piece of paper and marriage does not define a great relationship.

• 1:50:52Speaker 02

  Yes, and for me it doesn't. I know Zach would love to get married and I feel that we will. My birthday is actually our fifth anniversary. My first date in 2019 was my birthday with him.

• 1:51:08Speaker 02

  But being so, I guess, just.

• 1:51:14Speaker 02

  Just going through the heartache of a divorce and being so traumatized of through a divorce. I don't ever want to put that on him, but I also don't want to put that negativity on him.

• 1:51:25Bunnie XO?

  Right.

• 1:51:25Speaker 02

  I want to do something different. I want like the Curtis and Goldie Hawn.

• 1:51:31Bunnie XO?

  I always say that, I always say Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn.

• 1:51:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, like they are beautiful. Like and so for us, it's just, it's great. And for him to take on the kids that he. And the role and the capacity that he has, like if I'm not home, he brings my daughter to cheer. He brings my son to jujitsu. They have that together. He teaches him. When therapy was at our house, like he shows up, he gets Grayson in the shower. He puts him to bed, they read together, they have their mantras together every night. Like he is their stepfather and he loves them as much as I do. He's, he's just such a pivotal and such a beautiful role in our house that I actually.

• 1:52:18Speaker 02

  I took that as a, and I took a step back in social media and putting him everywhere because I want to protect what we have at all costs. And um, the world might not see it because of what we have on the reality TV show. So to me, I'm like, he is my everything and I'm going to protect that.

• 1:52:38Bunnie XO?

  Yeah, you have to.

• 1:52:39Speaker 02

  And I'll fight you.

• 1:52:42Bunnie XO?

  He's a pro wrestler, right?

• 1:52:44Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:52:44Bunnie XO?

  Yeah, he's, he works for, uh, A, what is it, AEW?

• 1:52:48Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:52:48Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:52:48Speaker 02

  Um, but.

• 1:52:49Bunnie XO?

  Same as Soraya, right? Soraya was just.

• 1:52:51Speaker 02

  I just saw Soraya. I love her.

• 1:52:54Bunnie XO?

  She not a doll, baby.

• 1:52:55Speaker 02

  She is incredible.

• 1:52:56Bunnie XO?

  She's a sweet, just warm human. Like, uh, just love her. She just came on.

• 1:53:00Speaker 02

  I saw and I was like, my two worlds are colliding right now.

• 1:53:04Bunnie XO?

  Uh, she is literally, when I come back in, in another life, I want to be Soraya. Cause I, inside, I'm an emo Goth girl. You know, I just don't have the aesthetic.

• 1:53:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:53:12Bunnie XO?

  So she's, she embodies everything I love.

• 1:53:14Speaker 02

  She's aesthetically just perfect for that.

• 1:53:17Bunnie XO?

  Yeah, she's, she's a doll, baby. But yeah, so being with a wrestler, are you a wrestling fan?

• 1:53:23Speaker 02

  So actually I'm not, but I'm learning.

• 1:53:25Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:53:26Speaker 02

  And I think Zach's dream is to go to the WWE, which is just incredible in itself. We know all these wrestlers that are there and um, it's, it's not easy on the body. Soraya, she broke her neck or back.

• 1:53:40Bunnie XO?

  Twice.

• 1:53:40Speaker 02

  Twice and she, we didn't think that she was going to come back. So I was there the day she came back and like, I am such a fan of the hard work wrestlers put in. And the accolades they don't get.

• 1:53:55Bunnie XO?

  Hmm.

• 1:53:55Speaker 02

  Because everyone's like, oh, it's fake, it's this, it's like the, the injuries are not fake.

• 1:54:00Bunnie XO?

  No.

• 1:54:01Speaker 02

  The, the bruises.

• 1:54:02Bunnie XO?

  Perfect. She says it's, it's fixed, not fake.

• 1:54:06Speaker 02

  Love that.

• 1:54:06Bunnie XO?

  Hmm.

• 1:54:07Speaker 02

  It's fixed, not fake. I love that. And um, the hard work and the traveling and the missing out on so many life, um, you know, home life things because you know, they, they put their all into the career. So, but my dream. It's for him to live his dream because he's wanted it. When I first got together with Zach, he was Grayson was two.

• 1:54:30Bunnie XO?

  No.

• 1:54:31Speaker 02

  And his mother, who's my kid's Mimi, Mimi goes to me and she goes, Zach wanted to be a wrestler since he was Grayson's age and Grayson's just sitting there in his diaper and stuff. And to me, that that was so precious because I don't know what that's like. I don't know what it's like to have a dream that you've wanted your whole life. Right? Like I'm molding myself into the dreams that I want now based on my past. And I don't even know if it's gonna work out, right? I don't know if these movies are gonna work out. I am.

• 1:55:03Bunnie XO?

  They will work out.

• 1:55:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, but I'm a pig in shit being on reality for the last fifteen years. Like I fell into this.

• 1:55:10Bunnie XO?

  Amazing.

• 1:55:11Speaker 02

  You know, at the time that I was in college, I wanted to be an animator, but then I went to animation school. It's like, ooh, that ain't for me either. Like I'm so thankful to mold. My dad's a used car salesman, or he was growing up. So I'm like, I'm a daughter of a used car salesman. I can mold myself into that fresh new car smell and like figure it out. But for someone that I meet and that I'm with and I wake up every morning to, he's wanted this dream since he was two and I admire that so much because I don't know what that's like.

• 1:55:46Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:55:47Speaker 02

  And I'll never know. And the work that he puts into every morning, five thirty in the morning, gets up, works out, regimented. He wants to be done with his workouts before the kids and I wake up. So he can dedicate that hour to helping me get ready with the kids and get them to the school bus like. But the way he's so regimented and the way he carries himself and he lives a drug free life, lives an alcohol free life, except for the weekends and he doesn't allow himself. Even if I'm like Monday, like, do you want a drink? Cause I haven't had a drink. He's like, no, it's Monday. Like, I admire that because he has goals and I've kind of like fallen into my goals.

• 1:56:29Speaker 02

  And I've learned through like my traumas, like where I want my goals to end up or through my kids, where I want my goals to end up. This has been his life story.

• 1:56:39Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:56:39Speaker 02

  And that's beautiful.

• 1:56:40Bunnie XO?

  That is beautiful.

• 1:56:42Speaker 02

  I'm like, I want his dream probably more than him to be that WWE wrestler standing on stage and performing, uh, only because like I've never seen someone want, like want something so badly.

• 1:56:56Bunnie XO?

  I know the first, um, the first thing that helps a man succeed in life and accomplish his dreams is having a woman behind him who believes in him.

• 1:57:04Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:57:05Bunnie XO?

  Cause when I got with Jay, we, we had a wing and a prayer.

• 1:57:08Speaker 02

  And I, I know your backstory. I know you don't like the flowers and the accolades, but girl.

• 1:57:13Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:57:13Speaker 02

  You two, not only are you meant together, like to be together, but your backstory is so fucking beautiful.

• 1:57:20Bunnie XO?

  I appreciate it.

• 1:57:21Speaker 02

  It really is.

• 1:57:22Bunnie XO?

  I appreciate you. He's my little cherub angel. I tell everybody, he's just, he is everything that I wish I could be. My husband is just a sweetheart and just so diplomatic. I'm like, son of a bitch. What is it like to be that nice? You know, like, how do you do it? But no, I think it's a good yin and yang that we have. And I feel like that you, that's how it is with you and your significant other also.

• 1:57:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:57:45Bunnie XO?

  I love that. Yeah. Jenny, I have taken over two hours of your time and I could, I feel like I could sit here and talk with you for another four hours. Like I just love your vibe. I love the way you present yourself. I love everything you stand for. Please keep kicking ass. You too, dude. I appreciate you. Thank you for coming on the podcast.

• 1:58:06Speaker 02

  Thank you for having me. This has been incredible.

• 1:58:08Bunnie XO?

  And why don't you tell people where they can find you if they're not following you, which I'm sure they all are. But if they're not following you, what are your socials?

• 1:58:14Speaker 02

  I believe across the board, it's at JWoww, J W O W W, um, on everything.

• 1:58:21Bunnie XO?

  Yeah.

• 1:58:21Speaker 02

  I'm everywhere.

• 1:58:22Bunnie XO?

  She's, yeah.

• 1:58:23Speaker 02

  But I do nothing on any of them. Cause I'm just watching all of you.

• 1:58:27Bunnie XO?

  Oh, I love that. Thank you so much for coming.

• 1:58:30Speaker 02

  Thank you so much for having me.

• 1:58:31Bunnie XO?

  I appreciate you. And thank you guys for tuning into another episode of Dumb Blonde. I'll see you guys next week. Bye.