Distractible
Original podcast
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What's the secret to being a great host this season? Keeping things deliciously simple, like mixing Simply Cranberry into a festive drink as guests arrive, or serving up a warm mug of Simply Apple on a chilly night. That means less time behind the scenes and more time in the moment with everyone. Crafted with real fruit, Simply juices and fruit drinks make any holiday drink effortless, inviting, and completely delicious. Simply, say yes to simple.
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Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable, this nude episode. Suckers Markers Talks Head accuses Wade of witchery, clarifies cholesterol, then plays doctors and nurse. Balls Out Bob hates screwing, loves sausage sauce, sucking Haradunia, microflaying, radiology, and lube. Wearing Nothing Wade loves to blow on the sidewalk, admits NPC-hood, initiates spirometry, and amputates. From anus criminals to fisting prostates. Yes! It's time for Yeah!
He'd Live! Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.
Well, hello there handsome and or beautiful people out there. I can see you. Even if you're only a listener, I can see you. Wow. Didn't decide to wear clothes this morning. Been there, done that. I'm your host Mark here for Distractible with my fellow naked men, Bob and Wade.
Ah, hello. Yes, it's me. I'm naked, especially if you're listening. You can hear it.
Yep, this is my real shirt or skin. Fuck.
Oh, old shirt skin.
Point to Bob for being able to keep up with the bit the longest without messing it up.
My brain just don't say shirt. Don't say shirt.
Shirt! The bit. Alright, good.
This is my real dick. I mean shirt.
Well, anyway, this is Distractible. This is the show where anything happens and points are given out in accordance to strict laws and adherence to rules. If anyone says otherwise, they are a heinous criminal that is trying to destabilize the entire establishment that we have built, the pillars of society that we have driven into the ground with a pile driver.
And nobody wants to be an anus criminal.
Nobody wants to be, what?
Is that not what you said?
I don't think that's what I said. Heinous, heinous, heinous.
Yeah, anus, anus.
Heinous.
We're saying the same thing, anus.
FBI's Butt Crime Division.
Anus!
Alright, okay. Uh, well, this is Distractible and I'm the judge of the person that is going to enforce the rules. These two are going to participate in my, my lovely, lovely game with which I will allow them to dabble into the worlds of imagination to concoct realities untold.
That's right.
What is that?
Screw you, bitch.
Oh, you, you want, you got an Allen key? Wait a minute, just wait till you see what I got. Look, it's a right angle XLR adapter.
Oh, that is handy.
Oh, that's a really convenient thing to have.
It actually is. That is super convenient. Yeah, wait, I wasn't gonna quiz you on what the name of that twisty thingy you said was, but.
Allen's wrench.
It is. It is truly Allen's wrench.
Velociraptors love it. They see this and they go.
Except from the movie.
The velociraptors appear in the kitchen scene and he's all, Alan.
Best dream sequence ever.
Did you know that in Canada, they have a different screw head?
I did know that. It's called the Roberts.
Yeah. Which if you look at it, it's just a square and that's kind of cool and all.
It's the best screw head ever designed. It's so much better. A Phillips screws can die in a fire and I hate them.
Yes, I think Phillips screws are fundamentally flawed and pretty pathetic, but now that we have those star screws, I gotta admit, hello?
That's a weird admission.
Did you hear that or was?
No. Didn't hear a thing.
I heard like a. Like a high pitched tone. You know, like a hearing test where it's like.
She goes barking. Something happened.
Did I check on this? Are you safe?
Yeah. Do you need to investigate?
It's fine. Don't worry about it. Anyway, those star screws, they probably have a name, right?
Torx? Is that Torx heads?
Torx, Torx, Torx.
T O R X Torx?
Yeah, aren't they the, the superior screw now?
I mean, Torx are cool. I like Roberts because it's simple, but all good, all superior. Anything that's not a Phillips, the best.
Anything that's not, I've never had a Phillips screw that hasn't eventually stripped. It is just awful.
Typically I'm all for stripping, but not with screws.
Strip right now.
I am. This is my real shirt.
Take your skin off, quick. I mean, your shirt, fuck.
Yeah. What do you get under that?
Oh, you want to know what's under here? You want to know what's under here?
More shirt.
Wow.
Uh, anyway, sorry. I had to write some points for, I won't say who.
Congrats, Bob.
We all know.
Well, just so you know, Wade, you're right.
Off to a strong start.
But this is not an episode about screw heads or screw types, even though that would be a fascinating episode and everyone would be very excited.
I would have done so well.
It would have done incredibly. We would have gone in the charts. What are we in the charts?
Haven't looked at them yet. Gotta be honest.
We're at least top 100, probably.
Probably, probably, probably, probably.
Man, it's gonna be a much longer episode if we have to tear everyone down this time.
Yeah, we don't need to go into that. It's not important. It's not part of the problem. Although we should do a marathon episode. We should do compilation episodes that aren't actually clips. It's just multiple episodes in one episode and we really, really exploit YouTube's retention time and we, you know, yeah, you know what I'm saying?
No, I didn't follow any of that.
All right, let me repeat myself. We should have compilation episodes, multiple episodes in one.
Like ones we've already done or new ones where we just like go right into it with one recording?
Same, we've already done them.
Guys, the chart situation is not great. I'm gonna be honest.
Damn.
Uh oh.
I can't find us on the main charts.
Oh, we're not even, we're not even on the charts anymore.
Maybe we're at least chart adjacent?
We are out of the top 200 on the charts. Let me look at comedy. That usually cheers me up.
That's a hell of a fall.
We're 12 on comedy. We're still 12. We can do it.
But there's only 13.
That's still not bottom. Woo!
We did it. All right.
We're better than Conan O'Brien.
Listen, this is why we're gonna be better than, better than Conan O'Brien. We're gonna say right here, right now, because we're gonna start with the greatest small talk we've ever done in our entire life. Take it away, Wade!
Okay, what are we talking to? Oh, it's small talk. I was like, what's the topic for small talk? What's the small talk topic? I don't know! Let me tell you, life-changing, this goes back to last episode to some extent, but life-changing thing, snowblowers.
You too?
Let me tell you, so much better than shovel. Shovel, great for like an inch or a little bit more or less, whatever, but any more than that, snowblower, life-changing. You push it and the snow just go. However, depending on how your blower blow, if the wind go-go, snow oh no, you know?
Are you the type of guy that's doing your snow blower up drive where you're like, oh, thank goodness. And you turn it around to go the other way. You're like, oh, oh, hell. Oh, God.
No, but I did blow into the wind and everything I blew just came right back and covered me and the spot I'd already been plowing.
That's exactly what I was pantomiming.
Yeah, that's, that's the joke.
But it was, well, it was all one direction. It was just consistently the wrong one.
Oh, okay.
Oh, so you told me what the wrong, so you went the wrong way. Ah, backed it all the way up to the beginning.
I see.
Well, the alternative was, it was doing the sidewalk, right? So like, otherwise I have to walk through the snow to blow it the correct way. And I wasn't gonna do that, so.
I'm sorry, does the thing, does the head on your snow blower not rotate?
It, it does like left, straight or right, but I don't know, no matter which one I did, the snow somehow came right back.
It seems like that's the three options you need to select from, though. I feel like you could find a right answer in there.
Yeah, but it's not like, it's not straight, left, right, like this. It's more like kinda diagonally. So it's still going straight, no matter which direction I switch it to. So some of it was still blowing back.
Ed, can you make it so Wade accidentally cast a spell right there? Cause it was really, I, yeah, yeah.
You know, it goes straight.
Oh, no, no, no, this is not anywhere near as elegant as you had it.
Way worse. No, no, the first one was better.
First one was way better, yeah.
Oh, I can't like cast spells, but yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's okay, man. It's okay. Don't worry about it. Magic is over.
Snow blower, good. But, uh, wind, wind, snow blower, couldn't be bad.
Well, that's good. Snow blower, good, but you know, it takes a certain intel, you know, certain items in games, you need like an intelligence level to be able to use it properly. You can still use it with Elden Ring. You have, you can use it, it's not effectively, okay.
I've got the master blow, but I'm too underleveled for it.
That's okay. At least you have it. Now you know where to spend your level up points.
I feel like the kind of person, if this was a D and D campaign, people start off at like, I'm an 18 year old, level one wizard. And by the time I'm 50, I'll be level 90. And I'm the guy that comes in like, yeah, I've lived 20 years of trying to level up, still level one NPC over here.
Oh NPCs are usually level five.
Yeah.
I know you've only been cooking for a day and you've leveled it up to 10. I'm still cooking level one and I'm a cook NPC stats, y'all.
Don't worry, man. Don't worry. You'll get there.
You get a segue point, Wade. Thanks for your sweet segue to my small talk.
Yay.
All right.
My first point.
Probably.
It's not.
So I like cooking and I I have been fairly successful at cooking a wideish range of things and I'm I like to experiment. But I learned a new thing recently and it's just so much easier than I thought it was. And it's so fucking delicious when you make it at home.
Microwave.
No, have you guys ever made homemade sausage gravy?
Oh, yeah.
Not homemade, but I love sausage gravy.
You haven't made homemade sausage gravy, Wade. You haven't made a homemade anything.
Oh, no. Sausage sausage and bacon grease gravy like that. That's like a staple growing up item for me. Yeah.
Okay, I've never made that before and I always thought it was more. It's not complicated. It couldn't literally couldn't be easier and holy shit, when you make it at home, is it delicious?
Can I walk you through before you do it just to prove?
I don't even believe that you or I don't even not believe that you know how to do it. I just don't believe you've ever done it yourself. I believe you've watched it be done and then you've eaten it.
This is this is quite a statement. It's quite a statement.
I can't imagine you cooking.
I've only personally made it once. This is true. Molly's made it a few times, but growing up, my grandparents made it all the time. My mom made it all the time. I actually prefer bacon to sausage. I got burnt out on sausage as a kid and I've having now that I want like a sausage link, but I typically don't. But no, like I'm assuming the way you're talking is you'll like fry some sausage, use the grease, maybe take some out if you have too much grease, add some flour, add milk, let it brown. Flour, milk, let it load it brown, salt, pepper, done like.
Yeah, really, it's so good. It's one of the most, it's probably terrible for you because it's literally just grease with flour and milk, but it's so good.
Oh, it's just horrendous. It's, it's fat, salt and grease all congealed into one big sauce. You slop on something else that's fat and salty and greasy.
Oh God, you have that with some biscuits and eggs and whatever. Oh, it's so good. I want it right now.
Anyway, I'd never made that at home before. We were just like, man, I want breakfast for dinner and was kind of like, God, I really want like sausage gravy. Man. And I was like, I'll do it. And I did. And it was really, it was just so easy and delicious. Anyway, I just, I'm constantly shocked. There's so much cooking stuff where I've been like, oh, that's, I could never make that. And then you just try it and you're like, ah, actually that's not that, actually it's not too hard. It's pretty good.
Places like Bob Evans and stuff have a similar type to the homemade, but there's something about it that's always different. I don't know if they put too much in it or if it's because it's like preserved or something, but making it home hits so different.
Yeah, it does. I recently did that with chicken marsala too. Chicken marsala is very delicious and not that hard to make at home and it's real good. I think what I'm learning is cooking is easy, guys. Easy game. I've got the cheat codes.
Do you want to know my favorite, my favorite gravy meal? This might surprise you.
I don't know what that means. Go ahead.
Favorite gravy meal? This is might be my favorite meal of like anything.
Is it the KFC sadness bowl?
If I was on death row and they asked me my final meal, this would probably be it. Bacon grease gravy, like the sausage gravy you're talking about with bacon grease, gravy, fried pork chops.
God, Jesus.
Where you get like the flour, dip it in egg.
Sure, sure.
Fried everything. Biscuits, mashed potatoes and peas.
You wouldn't need to be put to death. You'd just die if you ate enough of that.
And you cut up the pork chops, you tear up the biscuits, you mix all of it together, add some salt and pepper, especially pepper. Mix it all up. It looks terrible. But if you get like the potato gravy, the right amount of each, and then you get like a bite of pork chop and biscuit all in one bite. It is ambrosia. It is the best thing in the world. It's so good.
Ambrosia, he says. My auntie used to call that gloop.
I love gloop. I would die and I probably will die for gloop.
Yeah, I imagine that'll be the end of you someday. You'll be too old and you'll take a bite and it'll just be like, oh, there's that last 5%.
Somehow my car, some cars, what the fuck am I trying to say?
Carson Daly?
No, the cholesterol is the word by Carson. My cholesterol's never been bad somehow.
Well, recently they did discover that they're kind of been a bit, a bit wrong about cholesterol and the levels that it actually should be over a long period of time. That's why things have been inconsistent for a while and you should actually have a little bit more of both types, you know, and it's like, it's hard to actually say quantify.
That's what I keep telling the doctor.
Yeah, it's, uh, it's, it's complicated. Turns out the human body, very complicated. Anyway.
Born from the intensity of a night in the eternal city. Introducing Born in Roma fragrances by Valentino. Feminine perfume Donna Born in Roma features juicy black currant, central jasmine, soft cashmerin and warm vanilla. Masculine leaning but unisex womo has notes of fresh violet leaf, aromatic sage, green vetiver and mineral salt. Shop holiday gifts at Macy's.com.
What's the secret to being a great host this season? Keeping things deliciously simple, like mixing Simply Cranberry into a festive drink as guests arrive, or serving up a warm mug of Simply Apple on a chilling night. That means less time behind the scenes and more time in the moment with everyone. Crafted with real fruit, Simply juices and fruit drinks make any holiday drink effortless, inviting and completely delicious. Simply, say yes to simple.
But weirdly enough, Bob, you get the other segue point. Cause we're going into our game called Yeah Heat Live.
Okay, alright, yeah, you getting me and see where this is going? Alright, we're gonna start this off with a scene. You two are the world's greatest doctors. The most lives saved. One of you has one more patient than the other, but I won't say which one. You kind of debate which one counts as a patient. Your counts are in the thousands, but you know, he kind of squabbled between each of which one actually counted and which one was actually easy. But you are gathered here because you have a patient in front of you on the operating table. Mystery illnesses presenting with lesions, high fever, abdominal exploding. Um, there's, there's multiple things wrong with them. They're on the verge of death.
Only you, whichever one of you can do it, only one of you can save this patient. And you, in the same vein of all the other, blah, blah, live. Yeah, win, nah, nah, nah, you know, in that way, you'll take turns. You'll repeat the action of the previous doctor and when you reset time and go back and try again. Let's just assume the other one just like brings him back to borderline health. Whatever, wave it however you want. The next person will repeat that action because you secretly do respect your fellow doctor's genius ability. And you know that they were on the right path, but obviously they weren't seeing the chess move in front of that one. So you gotta repeat that action and then do the next action after that in the same vein of all the, yeah, I'd win.
But you're trying to save this patient's life. In other words, it's exactly the same thing we do before, but with a slightly different rapper to make it feel fresh.
I like this rapper.
Hmm, so I need to pull up my D20 because the way this works for everybody at home who haven't seen another now I'd win or now I'd lose, they're going to take a turn. It's a D20 if they roll, for every good action, they will get plus one advantage on the roll. They're need, they need a 20 total to win and save the patient or save the life. Now he or she would live, but they incrementally get their advantage growing with each turn that it takes. Could hit on the first one, could hit on the last one. So I'm gonna flip to see who goes first. Uh, we of course have heads for Wade, tails for Bob. Bonk. We got heads for Wade. Congratulations Wade, you're going first, doctor. It's not saying you're more skilled than your fellow doctor.
Cause you're not.
Some may say.
All right. So right now we know nothing about them other than in front of us and they're dying.
Well, they have high fever, abdominal explosions. They look terrible.
Okay. They've got a lot of bad symptoms.
Yeah, they're.
They're flatlining every few minutes or a few seconds, you know, they're kind of like going in.
You know, kind of like that. Really horrible in utter agony, desperate.
And just to remind myself and everyone out there, this is the thing where if I say too many words, Bob has to repeat them exactly. This is the, don't be too long.
That's the bit. Yes.
All right. Dear Journal of American Medical Association, I can't believe this happened to me.
Okay.
Go on.
My patient, his lungs, is he breathing? And I check his lungs.
Check his lungs. Not sure if that works towards saving him. Doctor, uh, Bob, Doctor Muyskens. In your medical opinion, do you think that assists in getting the patient closer to life?
I'm gonna say, yeah, as an initial thing, like if you check his lungs, it's like, oh, there's a squirrel in there and you, you know, you know, you're going next, like gives you.
That's good.
Classic thing that's.
That's good. Like checking the tailpipe for if there's a squirrel in there.
The classic banana in the lungs gag. Yeah.
People used to worry about gerbils up the butt, but no, it's been squirrels in the lungs that's been the real killer.
All right, we're rolling.
That saves them. I swear to God.
Hmm. Not quite. It was good. It was a good check, uh, but with a 15 plus one, you got 16 nearly there. Uh, but as you check, you leaned, it's like an ocean. It's like tidal waves in there in and ever like every breath. And then it's quiet all of a sudden and the patient dies.
Ready to operate now.
Doctor Muyskens, it's your turn.
Uh, yeah, great. Dear Journal of American Medicine History, I can't believe it happened to me.
You both are ready. Your competing papers.
Yes.
My patient, I'll check his lungs. Wait, why am I still writing this? Okay, the next thing I do is I think it must be an old school problem. Lungs are clear, no squirrels, leeches, leeches everywhere. All any part of any fleshy bit I can get a leech on to boom leached. That'll suck it out.
Penis leached, taint leached, perineum leached.
His ABC leached.
ACDC leached.
All right, we'll see if leeches work. This will give you plus two. Oof, it's a two. You get a four total. Nope, you bleed him dry. All blood is vacated. Um, he's super dead now. Froth in the mouth, all blood like emaciated, dried husk, dead. Dr. Barnes.
Dear Jamma, Journal of American Medical Association. Can't believe this happened to me. My patient, I'll see if he's breathing. A little bit doesn't sound good. Why am I still writing this? You know what? I'll go a bit more old school. Leeches. Cover the patient in leeches. Now that he's getting all that bad blood out. Amputate the feet. I get my buzzsaw.
Cured.
Doctor Vice kids, in your professional opinion, do you think that gets closer to life?
If the feet were the problem.
Or is his genius so good that we just can't see where he's going with this?
I mean, it's not impossible. There's something so wrong with his feet. That that's the solution.
I like you, doctor. We should work together.
Maybe he's got the the gangrene or some some sort of flesh eating. Hang on his foot.
I mean, leeches were as likely to cure it as this, I would say.
Hey, leeches is a legitimate medical treatment that's still employed in hospitals to this day. It is. It actually is. Not for the reason that they used to do it, but it is.
I know it is, but.
I'll give it to the feet. Maybe there's some horrible infection. Let's roll. It's a plus three. 12, total 15. Not quite. Uh, he's, his lungs are full. Uh, he drowns in his own sputum. His blood is all gone and then his feet, uh, seal the deal. Um, he barely feels that though before he dies. Just so if that makes you any feel good.
I'm gonna feel really bad when we cure him and he doesn't have any feet. My bad.
Dr. Muyskens, uh, what's the next step?
Dear Mamajamas at JAMA, I can't believe it happened to me. Uh, I'm gonna check this patient's lungs and save him while I write this. Uh, that doesn't sound good. I should probably stop writing. All right. Now I'm gonna cover him in leeches. I don't know what that will do, but it looks like I'm doing something. And isn't that really what we're trying to do at work? Just get through the day? Anyway, I found my buzzsaw.
He's never gonna have feet again. Uh, right. He's sick. I am gonna go hyper modern. Leeches is the old school. The new school technique is a laparoscopic robotic microsurgery. I'm just gonna cut his whole abdomen open and flay him and then use a tiny little robot to search around for what's wrong and fix it.
Modern technology.
You're gonna, you're gonna flay him macro so you can send a tiny robot in?
It could be a whole fleet of tiny micro robots. All the surgeries all happening at once. One of them's probably gonna find something.
All right. You know what? I'm not even gonna ask Dr. Burns if that helps. I know it's helping.
I think this is a terrible idea.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm gonna back you up on feet cutting offing. You're gonna give me micros.
I'm only saying, cause I know he'll do the opposite of what I think anyway. So you're welcome.
I've looked. Hey, I gave you the, all right, we're rolling. Uh, boh, what a genius.
Nat twenty.
Yes, I knew it would work.
Oh, thank God I don't remember laparoscopic idioma or whatever you said.
The incredible genius to know that the leeches would create all the cavities for the laparoscopic surgery and that the feet could so cause a sudden purge as the machines push in and push down. All the illness goes shooting out the stumps like, oh, whoosh, splat, all over Dr. Barnes.
Damn it.
Ah, he's like, you know, covered in it. They see an outline of him and all the, all the grossness and illness.
That's why the feet had to come off. That's the exit route.
I can't believe he's getting posted in bad Mamajamma before me.
All right, let me find my, let me get my notebook back.
Dear Jamma, I did it.
Dear sexy mamas of Jamma magazine.
I'm gonna tell my grandma about you Mamajamas at Jamma. She lives in Alabama.
Writes the battle on a cam.
Cam what? What did you say?
Trying to do camel, but camo.
Camo.
All right, so you, okay, Dr. Bison says that was incredible. You both go home. By the way, it was like an auditorium operating room, so you had a whole bunch of people around. They all got up and they were like this, you know?
That's why we had to have those flourishes, because we wanted to really put on a show for the people.
Yeah. All right. So since you're, you're both go-getters, right? It's the next day. You both are on your 3 a.m. hike, sprint actually, up a mountain, and you get to the top of the mountain and you see each other. You go like, oh, is you, because, you know, I, I got a bit two, three twenty-nine and I got whatever. But using your super doctor senses, you hear a cry for help. Someone at the top of the mountain is going, Help me. I can't hold on much longer. Longer, oh, and my grip is loosening. You both scramble over and on the ledge, there is a man who is dangling by one finger
on the ledge of a cliff that is the most precipitous drop, makes El Capitan, looks like, look like a hole that a child dug. It's miles into the earth. Finger, right here, all of the fingers broken and backwards are actually like splayed backwards. So he only has the one finger. His other arm is bent and contorted from being 127 hours. So he's really emaciated and tired and both his legs are gone. Or his feet are gone for some reason. This might be the same person.
Happens a lot, happens a lot.
Well, well, well, redemption dog for me.
Yeah, I'm not saying it's the same guy, but it looks and kind of sounds like it and the feet are missing. Maybe he was going up for a celebratory hike, kind of shouldn't have done that right after he got out of the hospital.
With no feet, yeah.
Yeah, he's, he's on the ledge and it's up to you two to save him. It's your turn, Bob.
Okay, I assess the situation and decide that I can approach. I get down on one knee, close to the patient and whisper to myself, I can't wait to write jam about this. And then I check his lungs.
Cause we've all agreed that that helps.
Standard operating procedure, always check the lungs.
I always say, you gotta make sure you have an airway, you check those lungs and then you can do move on to whatever next thing you gotta do. That's what they teach you.
Broken fingers could be a lung issue.
Maybe he needs more hair, you don't know.
Could be, could be, all right.
Do you go like, no, take a deep breath?
Get down, get down, pull my stethoscope out like, all right, deep breath in. Uh, and again, if you could refrain from moaning, uh, one more time.
It's gonna be a little cold.
I'll move it up for you. You're not in a hurry, are you?
You rolled an eight plus one. As you lean down, his, his airway sounds great. And then you don't hear anything anymore. Except a distant as he falls to his doom.
I heard, thank you.
That counts as a win for me.
Uh, not quite, not quite. Dr. Barnes, you see your, your fellow doctor bumbling over there to check the lungs. And you know, you have to do the same because, you know.
Standard operating procedure.
Yeah, yes.
I get out my pen and paper, get down on one knee. This is for you, Jamma. I look down at my patient, knowing the first thing I need to do is check the lungs. So I listen in. Lungs are good. I yell, nurse, suction. She brings over the suction tube. Typically reserved for like blood and other things to siphon off, but I know it'll lift this man up and pull him back up.
All right. Yeah, I was so was the nurse. Do you each have your own nurse? It's just the one nurse. Okay, it's just the one.
Just nurse, doesn't even have a name.
You have to share a nurse.
I've watched enough Mark videos, though it's just nurse.
Yep, you're right. All right, Roland. Oh, close, 14 plus two, 16. Not quite. Nurse rushes over with the suction device, tries to suck it back up. It's just not enough. He slips out of the machine and goes plummeting to his death.
Well, suction's crucial, though. We'll get him with it.
Yes, of course, of course.
I assess the situation. I go over, I approach, go down on a knee. Jamma, and get my stethoscope out, listen to the lungs, lungs are fine. I go, nurse, suction. Nurse comes over and the suction doesn't do anything. And then I remember, what's the second step we always take? I go radiology, x-rays. And that guy comes rushing in from the side and with a mobile x-rays like
takes a full body x-ray so we can really see what's going on in there.
I like how this is like a, you know, a 2D side by side fighting game and you just tag out.
Radiation team comes in.
Alright, so we got three points for that. Let's see how that does. Oh! Nat 20! There is clearly a superior doctor on staff today!
Why did I think about the x-ray?
Jamma, uh, Jamma.
You see, clear as day that his bones are cracked in such a way that you si- if you simply tip him, they will burst through his cut-off feet and plant it like a, like a scaffold against the wall so that he can maintain stability long enough for you to both treat his injuries and get him safely up over the ledge.
Mm-hmm.
Which I'm assuming you ask an assistant to do to pull him up, cuz-
Well, that's the other reason I got radiology, uh, more hands, you know? And I just step back and I let them do it, cuz I'm the surgeon here.
And if you radiate enough, they'll have even more hands.
I have to start writing Jamma immediately.
Yeah. Well, Dr. Barnes, why don't you go finish your little jaunt back down the mountain? You gotta, gotta get this article written.
I will, and as I do, I flail my arms like this to show my displeasure. And I just want you all to know that.
Okay. Do you do the Kermit yell as you run away?
I'm going back to Wee Akeem!
No, that's not the- he goes, "Ah!"
Oh!
"I'm leaving. It's me, Kermit. I'm leaving."
You both get in your Uber, but unfortunately, you both think it's the same Uber. So you both hop in and you, you find yourself seated next to your despised archrival doctor, one of you clearly superior. We're not gonna say who.
Hard to tell.
You're driving along and, uh, your Uber driver takes off, starts to go across, you know, the Golden Gate Bridge, and he looks back at you both and goes like, "Hey!" You notice a cast on his hand. You can sense he's driving. He has like pedal shifters up near the steering wheel cuz he has no feet. He goes like, "Doc, Doc, it's me! Yeah, you saved me yesterday, twice you-" He tries to go twice and hold up two fingers, but he only has one. So he's like, "Twice! Eh, eh, twice yesterday." And meanwhile, while he's turned back at you, he's drifting the wheel a bit too far to the right. Bang! Right through the guardrail. Eh, down into the rim.
Into the splash, right? He's knocked unconscious. You are both so fine. Backseat of that car was really secure. Seatbelts on, your medical protection obviously kept you safe. You're totally unharmed and you know you could get out easily. But the patient, your patient is unconscious. He's already floating. He's not in water yet, but he's kind of like, like this, just a little bit like that. And he obviously couldn't swim to the surface. No feet, one finger. You need to save him. He might be injured. He might be dead. His neck might be broken. He wasn't wearing a seatbelt. He kind of flopped all over the place. Bang, boom, but then landed right back in his seat. Dr. Barnes, you're not going to let this chance go to waste. You gotta save your patient. You're underwater.
The car's flooding. What do you do?
I pull out my waterproof paper and I write, dear Jamma, thank God I was prepared for this situation. I pocket it. I pull out my cassette tape of classical music, put it in so I can listen to something peaceful while I go to work and I'm never gonna believe this. I check the lungs.
You check the lungs, Stan. Gotta follow standard procedure. You cannot follow standard procedure.
Can't deviate.
Oh, so close.
That's right, 20.
It was an 18. Plus one is 19. So close. He is dead.
But at least I get to listen to some violins.
Yeah, car floods, um, he's dead.
Tragic. Dinner, Dr. Mice?
Can't save them all.
I guess we could, you know, if you just wanted to give up, but Dr. Mice says, would you give up?
Oh, we have a resident patient, so I don't wanna, you know.
Where do you think we were driving to?
I'm not really on call tonight. I was sort of, shouldn't, who's on calls? Shouldn't they page someone else? I get out my waterproof paper and just scribbles. It's not even language, just, I'll send that later. And then I put that away and I get out my cassette tape of classical music and put that in the car, which we're assuming has a cassette player in it.
Yeah, sure.
Sure, okay. It starts playing.
All good Ubers do.
Check the lungs, just to see, sounds fine, not the problem. I reach for my buzzsaw, but I notice someone's already taken that step. And then I decide that it's probably neurological. So I grab this patient's head and pull his eyes open. And I say, follow my nose, follow my nose. And I start going like this. And his eyes, he doesn't lock on at all. He can't track a target. And I know it's neurological.
Watch it, D20, I can smell it, I can feel it.
I know, I feel it too, I don't want it.
Ooh, not quite, that was a four.
Ah, so close.
Yeah, his eyes, you force to open, kinda do one of these where they instantly just like go white like, and then he's dead.
That's probably fine.
Gotta remember to go to dinner after this. Dr. Burns.
Deer jam on my waterproof paper. I can't believe this happened to me. I'll write it later. Pocket it. Cassette tape in, classical music, check the lungs, looks good. Maybe it's neurological. I lift the eyelids. Follow my nose. Oh wow, he's following, must not be that. You know what?
Could be the prostate. I bend him over. Grab my bucket of pocket lubin.
Whoa, whoa.
Clearly that's the problem.
That was really up in there.
Don't question this medical professional, he knows what he's doing.
You never know how deep the prostate might be. Sometimes it hides.
That thing's unruly in there, especially after a car crash. Could be going all over the place. Anyway, rolling. Ooh. Oh, nat one.
Oof. Shit, no pun intended.
That, that prostate was so unruly, it pulls you in with it.
All right. Always the optimist way to appreciate that about you.
Thanks.
Doctor Meiskins.
Waterproof paper. Jammer, mammer, jammer, mammer. Put that away. Cassette tape of classical music. Click. Jamming out. Check the lungs. Sounds fine. Maybe it's neurological. Follow my nose. Follow my nose. All right, he's fine. It's not neurological. Maybe it's his prostate. Big 10 gallon thing of lube.
Like a, like a ventriloquist dummy. All the way in there. Hey, don't get that dinner reservation. Don't worry, I'll get this wrapped up real quick and then we can get right out there to dinner. And then I turn the patient's head and I say, dinner? I hardly know him. And then I take my arm out of his butt and I'm like, ah, his prostate's fine. Man, that's some medical stuff you can do, you know?
What could you possibly do? What could you?
Next.
Oh, the, the water, the car is starting to fill with water. And I think, oh, he's recently had several accidents. He lost his feet. And I say, nurse, it's Mr. Ina Marra. Cause we're starting to drown.
We really gotta get out of here. We got that dinner reservation. We're sinking into the bay.
I forgot about pocket nurse, damn it.
All right, nurse, nurse comes in, uh, does nurse things. Let's see how that helps.
Nat 20, baby.
Doctor Meiskins has done it again. Not a nat 20. It was an 18, but it still counts. What a hero. The nurse, I guess, actually is, is the hero, but the doctor made the call to bring in the nurse. Gets all the credit. Nurse goes, boom, unbuckles the seatbelt, opens the door. Grabs a pension and flips to the surface.
The nurse ignores me and is like, I'll save him and then actually saves him.
Wade and I are just sitting in the back of the Uber like.
Wade gets out his waterproof paper.
You guys are gonna love the next one.
Man, the dice really are just doing me a favor today.
Man, it's so good to be on this side of the dice roll bullshit for once. I swear it always happens to me, not for me.
Oh, yeah, it is. It is good for you, bubba. I'm very proud of you.
I mean, I'm just an excellent doctor, I guess, so.
Maybe. We'll know if either of you is an excellent doctor at the end of this one. It's still up in the air.
I got three saves, man. I'm undefeated.
Speaking of up in the air, you two are not up in the air at all. Actually, that's completely a lie.
Our helicopter rescue from the water?
You, you are at the bank depositing your big bonus checks, one of them slightly bigger than the other, but they're both huge. They're massive checks, right? And so you, the teller goes, next. You both go, oh, you here.
Here's my check.
You mean the number is big? You don't mean a physically large check?
No, they're huge, actually. They are huge. And you can see the numbers.
It's $30, but the biggest check you'll ever see.
So you can see which one has bigger numbers than the other, and you both are able to get that information, plus everyone else here. When suddenly, behind you, the door bursts open.
This is a robbery!
And you're like, who could possibly be crying? Whoa, you see your patient there with a bomb strapped to his chest, one finger on the trigger of a gun, and he says, oh, the ground are all, oh, I can't do this. Help. Oh, doctors, some maniac strapped a bomb to my chest and I had to hobble in here on my new wooden peg legs. And they just, oh, man, can you help me? You look at the clock. It says 10 seconds or minutes, not nine, it's seconds. Bob, what do you do?
I don't have my notebook with me, so I get my phone out and start a voice memo.
Dear Jamma, I'll write this down and send it to you later.
This is a voice memo. Pardon any mistakes I might make in describing my actions. With plenty of time to spare, I draw my travel scalpel from my tool belt and I aim for the red wire on the bomb because it's always the red wire and I go
and I cut the red wire and save everybody.
Incredible.
It's it's so close. It actually goes through the red wire, but it hits him right here. It was a 15 plus one really good aim, but just a little off the mark. He dies, but the bomb doesn't go off. So, you know, that's, that's pretty good. Yeah, that's pretty good. But he's still dead. So, Dr. Barnes.
No paper.
On my phone. Dear Jamma, watch this shit.
I go up, grab my scalpel. Audio message. Cut the red wire.
Watch this shit. Listener, you better watch this shit. Doesn't explode. Patient looking a little concerning, so I know what to do next. I check his lungs.
So are we saying that the bomb is diffused now? So we're just gonna continue on?
We don't know. I don't think it just didn't explode when we cut the red wire. I'm still here.
All right, let's say it doesn't cut the wire. It just killed him for some reason, never in blow for the last one, just to keep the bomb going because I can't have the bomb disarmed this early. So you're gonna go check the lungs, right?
Okay, that's definitely, definitely an advantage.
I go to cut the red wire. I cut him and just the way I can listen to the lungs.
Oh, my God. It was the lungs. It was the lungs.
The bomb was attached to the lungs.
So you somehow threw your scalpel and that, I don't know.
No, I wanted this one to go longer.
You checked his lungs. You, that also disarmed the bomb.
Jamma, watch this shit.
When you listened to his lung, you noticed that there was some kind of strange lump in there. So you got ahead of a diagnosis that would have caused, that had been lung cancer down the road. And also resonating in his chest was the exact voice imprint of the people that abducted him. So you were able to determine their identities from sound resonating in his chest alone. And man, hero beyond hero.
He's a great doctor, but like I'm making the front page.
Yeah, that, that is stunning. And everyone in the bank is like, "Oh, Dr. Barnes, Dr. Barnes."
Finally recognition.
Woo, Barnes.
Jamma's gonna love me.
The Jamma article is just, "Dear Jamma, watch this shit." And then a huge parenthetical that's like rustling noise, clicking a phone being set down. Sounds like a scalpel gets drawn, running away, few steps, running away.
Then sudden distant cheering.
A voice in the distance says, "Now take a deep breath."
Underneath, I'll have a little asterisk that says, "Arrow up, recommended operating, standard operating procedure. I'm changing the game now."
And that is published.
We have to defuse before we check the lungs.
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All right, I'mma call it there. I don't think, uh, I couldn't come up with any more scenarios than that. So I think that'll have to be.
You got twenties early.
Yeah, that was a lot of twenties.
We didn't have any like 90 step ones today.
I know. The stupid big one went on forever.
Big one just kept going, man.
And the baseball one for the asteroid, that also used to be a huge one.
Yeah. More beans.
All right. So congratulations, doctors, you did great. One of you did marginally better than the other. I won't say which, I'll just count the points.
The real winner today is Jamma.
So Wade, uh, you, we'll start with you. You got a point for your real shirt. It's very nice. Uh, you got a level up with your snow blower. You did get a segue point from Bob.
What? Nothing, nothing happened. Don't worry about it.
To your Jamma. Uh, camo mool.
Was it that one?
Camo mool.
Oh, yeah. Camo. Cause he was trying to ride with Alabama and Mama Jamma and Grandma.
Oh, right. And then you won the bank, you saved the bank robbery.
Woo hoo.
That's six points. Incredible. Bob, you kept the bit. Robert screw, screw sausage gravy. The actual segue point. They both count. You got the operation. Dinner, I hardly know him. Among other things that made me laugh.
That was really funny.
You got the climbing point and the drowning, which leaves you with eight total points to Wade's six. So going into the final round, Wade, you have six points. Bobby, you have eight, a big advantage, huge advantage.
And just right on time, any second now, it's gonna, yep, here it comes. There it is. The magical wheel. How many should we spin wheel?
Eight.
That'd be a hell of a spin. Oh, guess what? It's three again. Always three, only three.
I want to add to the wheel. Who remembers the first step? The first person that says, check the lungs. And so there's, we have to remember what the first step is of standard operating procedure.
I'm gonna forget that tomorrow, much less like three months from now when it comes up.
There, that's very long.
We're gonna have so many medical people in the comments that are so upset.
They're not. No, they, you guys were textbook.
That's true.
I mean, you practically wrote the textbook, but.
We wrote the textbook, yeah.
Yeah, you wrote the textbook, so it's all good.
We'll definitely remember that when it comes up. Spin number one.
Half point for Mark.
You're on the board.
That's what I'm talking about.
Dude, if we get surprise golf rules and Mark wins.
Me, half a point.
All right, spin number two.
Not golf rules.
Most accents used.
Any of us use an accent?
I mean, maybe me in describing the patient, but he didn't really have an accent.
I grumbled a lot sometimes. That's sad. It's not really an accent.
I think this is a rare one where not many accents occurred here, so we could.
Yeah, I think maybe just re-spin.
Yeah, let's just redo that one.
Oh, lie points, absolute value. We didn't have any lie points this time, did we?
No lie points, yeah.
We really need to incorporate more lie points.
We do.
I need to lie more.
I lie all the time, just to get points for it. Best mental image.
Oh, such good mental images.
There were some winners.
There were really good ones.
I liked Bob throwing the paper away.
Ventrilicus dummy dinner, I hardly know her.
Ventrilicus was pretty good.
Oh, man, how do I even decide?
What about the X-ray on the side of the mountain?
If I had to be technical about this, Bob, I can't give the point to you because you can't conjure a mental image. So I'm gonna give it to Wade because I know you were describing a lot of things, but I know, I know it was a blank slate up there. Wade, you're gonna get that point.
That's so me. It's like, hey, Bob, if you picture the point, I'll give it to you.
Have you seen the TikTok of rage baiting my fat dog with a treat?
No.
Very funny, very funny because everything's like a tree and he goes like this every time he goes for it. He's like,
It's for like five minutes straight.
And as soon as he opens his hand, just stops. It's very funny.
It all reminds me of the Family Guy bit where Mr. Pewterschmidt's driving by the orphanage. He's got like a puppy and a bunch of toys in the backseat. He's like, you gotta really want it. He keeps driving away as the kid tries to get in.
Almost had it that time. All right. So with that, we're done. Bob with eight points to Wade, seven to my half. Bob, congratulations for winning this episode. Doctor my skins.
That's the first time our point totals ever matched our heights.
It's not too late to deduct one.
It doesn't affect me anymore.
All right, back down to six. All right. Okay, I'm giving you a mean.
Wait, I was lying. Give it back.
Nah, too late.
That's what you get for being nice to Wade. I never make short jokes.
As I say, you did it like 30 times, but I guess that's whenever you were host, you were allowed to.
What? No, wait, listen, wait.
That was the last episode. I know I can. All right, Bob, congratulations, but I'm gonna let Wade do his loser's speech first.
Your spot back at the bottom. That's okay, because I know Jamma appreciates our hard work. The lungs were good. We did our jobs.
What does the other A stand for? Journal of American Medicine?
Medical Association.
Ah.
I had to look up respected medical journals.
What my favorite one was. And as soon as I saw Jam, I was like, that's a fun one.
Yeah. Sorry, Wade, on your loss. Bob, congratulations. Your winner's speech, please.
That's going smoothly. There we go.
Dear Jamma, another successful day as a doctor. You're welcome that I'm part of this shitty profession.
You write so fast.
You have no idea. You think I save lives quickly. I don't know why I'm tilting my head like this either. Listen, sometimes the dice are in your favor and or you're just a superior medical doctor. And one of those things is definitely true about me today.
We will never say which ones wish. Thank you, everybody. So much for listening and or watching. I hope your theaters of your minds were working overtime today. And if you could save them better, no, you couldn't. You're not a doctor like these two definitely are. I am not a doctor either. So I am not legally liable for being sued for any reason of impersonating one. Thank you. Have a good day. Uh, there's merch on the site distractible.shop. And if you find it fashionable, you can buy that. Iron Lung in theaters already. It's already happened. You already know that it was a big scam. Just my let's play up there uh for running twice, actually, because I had to fill the time. But thank you so much for giving me all of your money and ticket sales, and I will never regret it as long as I live.
I will run away into the woods now and never be seen again. This has been Bob and Wade. You can find them at my screen lord minions 777 or minions 777. I'm Mark. Have a lovely day. Podcast out.
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Page updated October 31, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated