Wade's One Man Show

The reviews are in, and critics are raving: "Finally! A star that out-shines the rest!" - The Minion Chronicle "If I said I didn't like it, that would be a bald-faced lie." - The Hairless Herald "I can't f**king see!" - Bob Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:01Speaker 00

  Born from the intensity of a night in the eternal city. Introducing, Born in Roma Fragrances by Valentino. Feminine perfume Donna Born in Roma features juicy black currant, central jasmine, soft cashmerin, and warm vanilla. Masculine leaning but unisex Womo has notes of fresh violet leaf, aromatic sage, green vetiver, and mineral salt. Shop holiday gifts at Macy's.com.

• 0:29Speaker 01

  For decades, a shadowy organization called the Lemonati has kept lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Look around, lemon-forward sodas, even lemon-forward songs. We ran the tracks, slowed them down, reversed them, and squeezed out the truth.

• 0:46Speaker 02

  (Singing) I'm a lemon!

• 0:49Speaker 01

  That's lemon propaganda right there. But now, 7-Up is fighting back with their new Lime Lemon Soda. Join the 7-Uprising. Flip the sip!

• 1:00Speaker 03

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• 1:29Speaker 04

  Warning: This episode contains harsh noises that may be unsettling to those with sensitive hearing. And wait, listener discretion is advised. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. That is all.

• 1:43Speaker 05

  Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable! This episode, the coming Bob and Monday Mark put their pal through his paces, bringing wide smiles to his brother's faces, as worldly Wade takes on the trials, rating strange, unrighteous sounds, chewing small nuts, and identifying cats, tonguing foam and surviving abject oral torture. From spittle cam to satay stand-up. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! It's time for Wade's One-Man Show. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

• 2:31Speaker 06

  Come with me and you'll be in a world of bald imagination. Take a look and you'll see your reflection. If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it. Subreddit defend me, do it! Wanna rig the game? There's nothing to it. Wade finishes his song early and suddenly looks scared. Am I not supposed to read that part out loud?

• 3:06Speaker 07

  No, you can read, yeah, read it out loud. You're good.

• 3:08Speaker 06

  Oh, still me.

• 3:13Speaker 06

  Is this still a song? I don't know the song. But first, step into my mind for a world first view of my thoughts during literally every recording of Distractible ever.

• 3:24Speaker 07

  I should have read parenthetical singing and so.

• 3:27Speaker 06

  Yeah, you probably should have, man.

• 3:28Speaker 07

  This is not singing one. The next one's singing again.

• 3:31Speaker 06

  Good. Whoa, I can't believe where I am. Editors, recreate the Tunnel of Terror from Willy Wonka, 1971. Is this still from the song? I sang all the parts I know from the song.

• 3:41Speaker 08

  It sings songy, but it's kind of spoken. You don't know this song?

• 3:44Speaker 06

  I've not seen Willy Wonka since I was like eight.

• 3:46Speaker 07

  Okay, all right, all right, well, director's cutting in.

• 4:01Speaker 06

  Okay, all right, yeah, I'll probably do it like that.

• 4:05Speaker 06

  There's no earthly way of knowing which direction they are going. There's no knowing whose points are growing. Hope my bald head isn't glowing. Is it raining? Is it snowing? Why my hunger isn't growing?

• 4:27Speaker 06

  Uh oh, now their words are slowing. So the danger must be growing. Are the fires of hell a glowing? Is my turn here without me knowing? Yes! The danger must be growing. The conversation keeps on slowing. And they're certainly not showing the signs that they'll keep going. Ah! Quite right, sir. I am bald. Oh, there's more. Yeah, that's not it. There's more, yeah. Oh, man, wow. What a great tunnel that was. Parenthetical singing for this?

• 5:04Speaker 07

  Uh, nope. No, you're done singing.

• 5:06Speaker 06

  And that's how I keep on winning! Welcome to Distractible, boys! And, uh, uh... Rororaggy! Welcome, boys! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Is it hot in here, or am I just bald? Anyway, a very pleasant evening to all the gentlemen, the, uh, the, the, uh... Vaginized people out there! Woo! That was a close one. Oh, looks like I got some sweat on my lens. Oh, well. I don't need to clean that, ever. Just like the drop of spit I spat into the lens three months ago and has been there in every episode since. I can see it, that's, that's true. Uh, this is not a joke, this is real. Sam, our editor, has been laughing at the same drop of spit that's been on my lens for the past 24 episodes.

• 5:51Speaker 06

  And I've just never bothered to clean it or notice. Oh, I've noticed! Ahahaha! Good thing that's not embarrassing.

• 5:57Speaker 07

  You've noticed it, you've never cleaned it. Sam told me about it recently, and he was like...

• 6:01Speaker 06

  It's funny that Sam thinks there's only one.

• 6:04Speaker 07

  Wait, Sam, he has the exact moment the spit landed on your lens? That's been in every episode since that he's noticed? So play, play the moment when he spits and it's there.

• 6:17Speaker 06

  Throw shit, they throw feces, the feces blocks up my pipe, they come back up, and it's like, oh, somehow the shit's got in your air conditioning. You know, this is your fault, sir. You gotta replace the whole fucking thing. How does shit get in the AC? I don't know, cuz I guess this wrench is actually a screwdriver, is actually a power drill, which is like, we don't fucking know anything!

• 6:36Speaker 07

  Funny thing about the Tunnel of Terror, there actually is a moment where he just, he's like... Vo, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, bla!

• 6:44Speaker 07

  I watched it to try to write down.

• 6:46Speaker 06

  I've not seen it since I was so young. I remembered like the first part. I remember the tunnel, but I do not remember the cadence of any of that.

• 6:53Speaker 07

  It's a, they literally cut a chicken head, head off a chicken in that scene. I forgot that that is actually just there.

• 7:00Speaker 06

  They do?

• 7:01Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 7:01Speaker 08

  That's pretty hardcore.

• 7:03Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 7:05Speaker 06

  Great, uh, great intro. Well, well written.

• 7:07Speaker 07

  I was, I was the, the, the gulp was not an action. It was actually dialogue. So it should have been gulp and then.

• 7:16Speaker 08

  It's okay. They'll, they'll fix it. Sam will fix it.

• 7:18Speaker 07

  Take it out, take it away. Start the show.

• 7:20Speaker 06

  Hey everyone, welcome back. I had a horrible misfortune of having these two tie last time, but at least the last time we recorded a, a real episode. It's been a minute since you guys have seen us fresh. We're fresh and after a nice break, we're coming back and I don't know how to intro this because I don't know what the hell's happening. I don't know if we're doing small talk. I don't know how I'm being punished. I don't know. Maybe it's already over.

• 7:42Speaker 08

  Who says you're being punished? Here, I'll give you a hint.

• 7:45Speaker 06

  I love tier lists.

• 7:46Speaker 08

  Woo. Oh, yeah. No, you're gonna love this tier list.

• 7:50Speaker 06

  Is Wade's secret tier list a cannoli?

• 7:53Speaker 08

  These images at the bottom, that's what you're tier listing.

• 7:55Speaker 06

  So small. Okay. Hang on, let me, I gotta maximize this. See, my eyes aren't good.

• 7:59Speaker 08

  Yeah, I would make the screen bigger probably so you can see it. It's.

• 8:02Speaker 06

  I don't know what the first picture is. I'm guessing some kind of food or centipede. Then we got green drugs, a praying mantis, a toilet, a couch made of, that's, is this, is this all fucking styrofoam?

• 8:14Speaker 09

  I want to play a game. In front of you, you'll see various forms of styrofoam.

• 8:19Speaker 06

  Oh, God.

• 8:19Speaker 09

  All of which you will have to listen and review if you want to survive. Rate them fairly and honestly. And don't worry, we will play the sound again for you if you didn't catch it the first time so that you can give the most thorough review possible. There is no way out of it. You can't complete your one man show unless you review all of the styrofoam in front of you. You could always quit, abscond the podcast, lose your status as the third of three April members, plus the fourth. But if you leave, just remember, the subreddit will never defend you again. And we will simply find someone else who is

• 8:59Speaker 09

  even more bald and even more weight than you. Good luck, have fun, and don't worry about a time limit. We'll be here as long as you need. That's what friends are for.

• 9:13Speaker 08

  This is bullshit.

• 9:15Speaker 06

  That was such good timing, Bob. That was so good. You played that so well.

• 9:18Speaker 08

  I was hoping what happened.

• 9:19Speaker 06

  Oh my god, that's so good.

• 9:21Speaker 08

  Oh, man.

• 9:22Speaker 06

  The first three images gave me no indication. I was like, wait, that toilet looks weird. That couch looks weird. Why is that cat covered in... Oh no.

• 9:29Speaker 08

  Not only do you get to look at the visuals to rate these, they have accompanying sounds. And you know what, buddy? Since it's your show, we could start wherever you like. Which one you want to rate first?

• 9:41Speaker 06

  I don't try to figure out what even some of the images are. Do I get clarification on that before the sounds if I have questions?

• 9:46Speaker 08

  I'll tell you the name of it right before I push the button to play the sound of it.

• 9:50Speaker 06

  We don't need the sound of the cooler. The cooler's D tier. I don't want that one.

• 9:54Speaker 08

  Cooler first. You got it, buddy.

• 10:00Speaker 06

  Oh, why is there a moose? Yeah, yeah, gone. Get rid of that.

• 10:04Speaker 07

  I don't know if he got that. Wait, let me just make sure.

• 10:07Speaker 08

  Is the level okay on that? Cause I can make it louder.

• 10:09Speaker 06

  No, it doesn't need to be louder. It was so loud. In fact, you could turn it down.

• 10:13Speaker 07

  Yeah, a little, little up, actually. That was good. It was a little quiet on my end.

• 10:16Speaker 08

  Are you sure this belongs in D tier?

• 10:19Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 10:20Speaker 08

  I don't know. We got a long way to go, man. There's a lot of...

• 10:23Speaker 06

  I'm thankful that that sound is actually like just on the cusp. It's not quite the...

• 10:27Speaker 08

  Yeah, well, that's definitely the worst one here. Don't worry about it.

• 10:31Speaker 06

  I mean, I can usually drink out of styrofoam cups, so I guess we could put that in.

• 10:34Speaker 07

  Well, well, before you rate it, you gotta hear it. You can't.

• 10:37Speaker 08

  You have selected cup.

• 10:41Speaker 06

  That's not a cup noise?

• 10:44Speaker 06

  Who does that with their cup? What is that?

• 10:46Speaker 08

  It's sliding around the table. It doesn't make a sound when you touch it to your mouth. It makes a sound when you...

• 10:51Speaker 06

  Yeah, no shit. That's why it's okay usually. A cup can go A, I guess.

• 10:56Speaker 08

  A tier? Bold choice.

• 10:58Speaker 06

  Does that mean I like it? Or does that mean I just... It's better than the others?

• 11:01Speaker 08

  It means it's A tier.

• 11:02Speaker 06

  Okay, I want to get this one out of the way. The very last image, the broken thick styrofoam, that is my absolute fucking bane. Thick styrofoam is the worst.

• 11:10Speaker 08

  All right, you've chosen the break.

• 11:15Speaker 06

  Okay, that was okay. The noise is okay, but.

• 11:17Speaker 08

  Yeah, that sounds different than I remember. Wait.

• 11:21Speaker 08

  Ah, that's not so bad.

• 11:22Speaker 06

  Yeah, that that sound is fine.

• 11:24Speaker 07

  Wait, make it louder. Let me hear it. I want to make sure we're getting them the fair. Yeah.

• 11:29Speaker 08

  Here, let me just do it like this.

• 11:33Speaker 08

  Ah, there's a little more subtlety in it than, yeah, okay.

• 11:36Speaker 06

  Yeah, it still doesn't. It's like the breaking noise rather than the rubbing noise. So it's okay. I don't know where I want to rank that yet because like the image, D tier, the sound that you actually just played of it breaking, not bad. That's the S tier sound compared to the rest.

• 11:49Speaker 08

  Okay, well, we can come back and listen to that more later. Once you've heard some of the other ones.

• 11:53Speaker 06

  Let's do the the third to last, the ball.

• 11:56Speaker 08

  The ball?

• 11:57Speaker 06

  Big, big ball. Shouldn't be bad.

• 11:59Speaker 08

  Yeah, it's probably fine.

• 12:05Speaker 06

  They doing to it?

• 12:06Speaker 07

  They're rolling and squishing it like this.

• 12:08Speaker 06

  Okay, um, that the sound itself wasn't. Look at that a bee. Bee for ball. I do not want to do the hat. I hate the thought of one of those on my head. Let's just get it over with.

• 12:20Speaker 08

  Hat. You got it, buddy.

• 12:24Speaker 08

  Oh, that's a good one. Just imagine that sound coming right off the where it's touching your head.

• 12:29Speaker 07

  Yeah, because it's like it's on your head and you're you're doing a stylus like draw your finger around the brim like.

• 12:35Speaker 06

  I don't know if it shows, man, but I've had goosebumps since we fucking started this. Killing me. Put the hat in D tier. Styrofoam hat is the worst fucking invention.

• 12:45Speaker 08

  I it sounds delightful. It's insulative, so it can be stylish and keep you warmer or cooler, probably mostly warmer, I guess, but.

• 12:53Speaker 06

  Do the hand holding the little balls. Little balls shouldn't be bad, right?

• 12:56Speaker 08

  Oh, the small nuts.

• 13:00Speaker 08

  It's like the head and then you squish them, you know?

• 13:04Speaker 06

  Thankfully, no squeak. Not good noise, but no squeak. Um, I guess toss those in B as well. Okay, you don't.

• 13:10Speaker 08

  Sorry, which one? That was really loud. Which one did you say?

• 13:13Speaker 06

  B, B, just get them out of here. Uh, let's do the cat. Cat, cat noise can't be bad. It's just a cat.

• 13:18Speaker 08

  Cat with styrofoam on it. Oh, no, I labeled one of them twice. That's fine.

• 13:23Speaker 07

  Oh, no.

• 13:23Speaker 08

  I'm pretty sure. Well, you know what? It sounds probably like the small nuts. But like with a imagine there's like a meowing. It's a cat. You can't write. You can't put it low. You love cats. Just think about, uh, think about Keters and then think about.

• 13:38Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 13:39Speaker 07

  Here Bob, but just out of fairness, let me, let me give you one more, just so you can, you can be sure to have it. It's, I wanna make sure it's a fair judgment on this.

• 13:48Speaker 06

  Alright, here you go. Here's your first one.

• 13:50Speaker 08

  Is this one a cat?

• 13:56Speaker 06

  That is, there's no cat. That's, oh, that's like a fucking windshield wiper. That's F tier. Make an F tier for that.

• 14:02Speaker 08

  Is this one a cat?

• 14:10Speaker 08

  It's a minute long.

• 14:12Speaker 06

  Dude, I can't, I can't. I can't do that for a minute.

• 14:16Speaker 07

  Well, you just gotta say which one's a cat.

• 14:18Speaker 08

  Was that one the cat? Or was it this one?

• 14:24Speaker 06

  Oh.

• 14:25Speaker 08

  Ooh. That's, that's harsh.

• 14:28Speaker 06

  Oh, stop. Okay, yeah, that's a cat. It's scratching it. It's cat. Cat, fuck cats, D tier.

• 14:33Speaker 08

  Are you sure?

• 14:33Speaker 06

  Yeah, all those sounds are D tier. F tier, but, stopped, I heard it. Yep, that's the bottom tier.

• 14:39Speaker 07

  Well, maybe it's the one that I said was laughter. You, look, there's, see, I sent you a file that says laughter.

• 14:44Speaker 08

  Was this a cat?

• 14:49Speaker 07

  That's a funny cat. That's a hilarious cat right there.

• 14:52Speaker 06

  Yeah, the cat, the cat's D tier. You know, the cat, the ball noise, cat was gonna go up there. Those, no, cat's fucking D, I never wanna hear those again. Cat, bottom tier.

• 15:00Speaker 08

  Cat, D tier. You got it, buddy.

• 15:05Speaker 00

  Born from the intensity of a night in the eternal city. Introducing Born in Roma Fragrances by Valentino. Feminine perfume Donna Born in Roma features juicy black currant, central jasmine, soft cashmerin, and warm vanilla. Masculine leaning but unisex womo has notes of fresh violet leaf, aromatic sage, green vetiver, and mineral salt. Shop holiday gifts at Macy's.com.

• 15:34Speaker 01

  The Lemonati has spent decades keeping lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Their lemon agenda has infiltrated everything, even our music. That hit song named after the color of lemons? Not a coincidence. Big Lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years. Think about it. But now, 7-Up is fighting back with their new Lime Lemon Soda. Now lime comes first. 7-Up, flip the sip.

• 16:04Speaker 06

  Is that a bathtub?

• 16:06Speaker 08

  No, that's like, um, like computer packaging. It's like the thing.

• 16:10Speaker 06

  Oh, that's awful. Yeah, do it. Get out of the way. I hate that shit. I have to have someone else get my computers and stuff out. I had to get my parents to unbox my toys for me.

• 16:22Speaker 06

  Oh, thank God, no squeak. Yep. Um, you know what? Seat here. It didn't get the squeak in, so seat here.

• 16:28Speaker 08

  And he's really, he's really all about the squeaks.

• 16:30Speaker 06

  Like, I don't like Styrofoam, the feeling of it, and then the squeak that it makes. The crunchy I can live with.

• 16:35Speaker 07

  Did you know if you imagine yourself licking anything, you can vividly tell what the texture is?

• 16:41Speaker 06

  I, I'm gonna throw up.

• 16:42Speaker 07

  Just like think of your tongue running.

• 16:43Speaker 06

  I'm not listening to you. I can't. I can't picture that, man.

• 16:47Speaker 08

  I looked for so long for pictures of people eating Styrofoam. I'm not even lying. It turns out nobody likes to eat Styrofoam. I couldn't find a picture of a person eating Styrofoam, Wade.

• 16:59Speaker 06

  Thank God, Ben. I would have, I couldn't, I would have thrown up on camera.

• 17:02Speaker 07

  Which is why I have a bucket of Styrofoam right here.

• 17:05Speaker 06

  There's no way. There's no fucking way.

• 17:08Speaker 08

  This one I called poop.

• 17:13Speaker 08

  That's it. It's just a short sound. I'll play it a little, play it some more for you.

• 17:15Speaker 06

  D, D.

• 17:17Speaker 08

  D, got it. Okay. You sure?

• 17:19Speaker 06

  Yeah. Um, I guess let's do the first one, the weird.

• 17:23Speaker 08

  Oh, I like that one. That one's got an interesting story.

• 17:26Speaker 06

  What is it?

• 17:26Speaker 08

  So it's worms, but it's a, it's a species of super worm that actually subsists on Styrofoam. The, the scientific researcher who, I don't know if she bred them or discovered, I think she bred them, but she has a lab, and when you walk into her lab, there's this insanely loud sound of all of her thousands and thousands of worms just crunching their way through Styrofoam. And as far as I know, it sounds something like this.

• 18:02Speaker 08

  They're just the coolest, the coolest little worms and they just dig, they tunnel through it.

• 18:08Speaker 07

  Now you want to talk about eating Styrofoam. Those bugs love eating Styrofoam.

• 18:12Speaker 08

  They're mostly made of Styrofoam.

• 18:15Speaker 06

  Yeah, more D.

• 18:16Speaker 08

  All right, D tier. Oh, do you want to sort the tier? Should we go back and revisit some of these sounds so you could say which ones higher or lower within the tier? Or should we save that?

• 18:25Speaker 06

  Oh, man, let me tell you, last three or F tier of D tier, perfectly, perfectly sorted.

• 18:30Speaker 08

  Okay, perfect.

• 18:33Speaker 08

  Got it. Okay.

• 18:34Speaker 06

  Whatever the first, is that peanuts? Is the first one peanuts?

• 18:37Speaker 08

  Oh yeah, those are regular nuts.

• 18:39Speaker 06

  Dude, that's what my friend used to fucking chew on. I can't. Okay.

• 18:42Speaker 08

  This is kind of the sound of chewing on them. So you have to imagine they're in your mouth and you're hearing this from inside your own head, right? So you're like,

• 18:53Speaker 08

  it's pretty.

• 18:54Speaker 07

  Um, we don't have an S.

• 18:56Speaker 06

  You're right. Those are D tier.

• 18:59Speaker 07

  But where in D tier?

• 19:01Speaker 08

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, try again, try again. Where do they go?

• 19:07Speaker 08

  Yeah? Okay. You think that's right? Between the cat and the poop?

• 19:09Speaker 06

  Perfect. Let's just go in order, man. Do the fucking praying mantis or whatever that is.

• 19:13Speaker 08

  Oh, that's Pennywise carved out of Styrofoam. This one's more, this one's sort of how I think it would sound. It doesn't actually make a sound, but this is kind of how I think that would sound.

• 19:24Speaker 06

  Please just be Bill Skarsgård.

• 19:30Speaker 07

  We all float down here, am I right?

• 19:33Speaker 08

  That's kind of how I imagine the, the like death light would feel in your ears when it's happening to you. Cause that's not how it sounds in the movies and stuff, obviously, but.

• 19:42Speaker 06

  I think that's a solid D tier. Uh, right, right below, uh, the peanuts.

• 19:46Speaker 07

  Yeah, some of these we had to take some creative liberty on because, you know, kind of hard to find a sound that is exactly like that.

• 19:53Speaker 06

  Uh, toilet next.

• 19:54Speaker 08

  Toilet next? Oh, you got it, buddy. So you have to imagine this is coming from your own butt while you're sitting on it.

• 20:04Speaker 08

  Or maybe you're wiping, so you're like shifting your weight, you know?

• 20:07Speaker 06

  You know, we'll toss that and see.

• 20:09Speaker 07

  Hang on, I have a, I have a noise for this that might actually apply. I just found it. It's, uh, uh, well, you know, I'll just, I'll let Bob play it.

• 20:19Speaker 08

  There you go, Wade. Maybe this is the toilet. Just maybe you want to change your ranking.

• 20:26Speaker 06

  I didn't like that. Oh, more.

• 20:30Speaker 07

  Supposedly that's spraying styrofoam with water? I don't know why it was so pulsile.

• 20:38Speaker 08

  It's like the tiniest little squirt bottle. They're just like.

• 20:42Speaker 08

  Does that make you want to rethink your, your D tier?

• 20:45Speaker 06

  No, I don't want to revisit D tier anymore because I'm afraid you'll make me listen to it. So that's C tier.

• 20:49Speaker 08

  Toilet is C tier. Above or below the packaging?

• 20:52Speaker 06

  Above. Packaging would be much worse, probably. Uh, I guess couch before the styrofoam nuclear warhead.

• 20:59Speaker 08

  Couch it is.

• 21:04Speaker 08

  Again, you're kind of sitting on it, right? It's sort of.

• 21:06Speaker 06

  Yeah, I can, yeah.

• 21:07Speaker 08

  Maybe you have your arm up on the back.

• 21:09Speaker 06

  I wouldn't.

• 21:10Speaker 08

  Yeah. You know, it makes your hair stand out then because it's kind of staticky. Or maybe, maybe you're watching the game. The Bengals just lost again. So you're sort of sinking into it in sadness.

• 21:19Speaker 06

  Yeah, we can, we can assume a couch is solid. Um.

• 21:22Speaker 07

  You know, when you get out of the shower and you don't towel off and you just decide to, oh, no styrofoam couch and just kind of rub your arms all over it and you make little styrofoam angels.

• 21:32Speaker 06

  Yeah, we can just toss it in D tier and call it a day. It can be below the hat.

• 21:35Speaker 08

  Below the hat. All right.

• 21:37Speaker 06

  All right, nuke.

• 21:38Speaker 08

  Nuke. Oh, that's not a new, whoa, that's not a nuke. Those are clouds. It's, it's an art exhibit, exhibit made of styrofoam where the, the clouds actually undulate. So they're on articulated mounts. It's actually really beautiful. Sounds like this.

• 21:55Speaker 08

  But you have to, yeah, so you walk in the room and they're kind of up high and they, they, it's like a, you know, it's like a three dimensional, it's very cool. It's very pretty. And there's lighting, there's lighting behind, this is sort of-

• 22:06Speaker 06

  I love art. I never have to go to a museum to look at it. So put it in S tier.

• 22:10Speaker 08

  You could just close your eyes and really just imagine the styrofoam on the ceiling and you're right-

• 22:15Speaker 06

  Beautiful. Toss it in S tier. So I can never have to go see it again.

• 22:18Speaker 07

  Oh, yeah.

• 22:20Speaker 08

  Face?

• 22:21Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 22:23Speaker 08

  It's just a quick one. It's like you're taking it out of the box, right? And you sort of like, you finally get a hole and you're like, yeah.

• 22:30Speaker 06

  Yeah, bottom of C tier.

• 22:31Speaker 07

  I have a, I actually maybe have another option for this if you were, if you were interested-

• 22:36Speaker 08

  Oh, interesting.

• 22:36Speaker 06

  Definitely not interested.

• 22:38Speaker 07

  I have to buy this sound.

• 22:42Speaker 07

  It's such, it's so good. Spend the money. Spend it. I found the sound of someone chewing on styrofoam. I found it.

• 22:50Speaker 06

  Please no.

• 22:51Speaker 07

  Oh, man.

• 22:54Speaker 07

  It's not letting me buy it. You're lucky. I mean, I'm sorry.

• 22:59Speaker 06

  Yeah. Yeah, man. Next time you get a one man show, I'm just gonna show a bunch of fucking holes for an hour.

• 23:09Speaker 00

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• 24:08Speaker 08

  What sound should we listen to next?

• 24:10Speaker 07

  Is that a baby made out of styrofoam?

• 24:12Speaker 08

  Oh, it's a bunny. Sorry, it's a bunny rabbit.

• 24:15Speaker 06

  Oh, you know, we built it up. Let's get it out of the way. Bunny next. I really hate the one that comes after and I'm, that's the one that scared me the most since we started. So I hope it's chill. Yeah, let's get the bunny.

• 24:26Speaker 06

  You know, thankfully, the sound for this one almost sounds more like whenever you're cleaning glass with like Windex or like a mirror. So.

• 24:32Speaker 08

  Yeah, it kinda sounds like a squeaky bunny, but also it definitely is styrofoam. Imagine the bunny just hops right into your lap and you start petting it, but it's all styrofoamy.

• 24:40Speaker 06

  Okay, I was gonna say A tier, but you just said that out loud, so it can go into B for bunny. Right where it's at.

• 24:46Speaker 07

  So this next one, Wade, you don't know what this is, I know, but it's a car. So you've never seen one before.

• 24:54Speaker 06

  Worst bit of this show is people still telling me I need to get a car. All right, a car. What is that?

• 25:00Speaker 08

  Well, it sounds like this.

• 25:03Speaker 08

  Oh, oh, that one's crunchy. That one's, that one's in there.

• 25:07Speaker 07

  Trying to open the door of the styrofoam car.

• 25:10Speaker 08

  Yeah, you, you realize it's not a functional car. You see, rip the door handle off and

• 25:17Speaker 08

  it like almost wants to squeak, but it doesn't go all the way there. It also kinda reminds me of the sound of like a car driving down a gravel driveway, you know?

• 25:26Speaker 06

  Is there a word for foreplay to torture? Is it just foreplay?

• 25:29Speaker 08

  Gore play?

• 25:30Speaker 06

  Yeah, I feel like that's what this noise is. It's like, it's not quite terrible, but like it, it gets you, it gets you right there in the mood for pain.

• 25:37Speaker 08

  You know what comes next?

• 25:39Speaker 06

  Yeah, so car, um, C below the toilet.

• 25:43Speaker 08

  Surprised you didn't go, uh, S tier, cuz I know how badly you wanna have a car.

• 25:48Speaker 06

  Not that bad, not that bad.

• 25:50Speaker 07

  Hey, if this one fell off the boat like your other one, it would float, so it would just come to you eventually.

• 25:55Speaker 08

  You wouldn't have the same problem at all. Mark is dead on with that.

• 25:58Speaker 06

  But rather than fill it with concrete and let it fucking die.

• 26:01Speaker 07

  You know, boats are made of styrofoam, right?

• 26:03Speaker 08

  Yeah.

• 26:04Speaker 07

  You like boats.

• 26:05Speaker 06

  They're not, are they? No.

• 26:07Speaker 08

  They're filled with styrofoam.

• 26:09Speaker 06

  Man, stop. I don't want to think about that.

• 26:11Speaker 08

  Don't worry, it's between the metal. It doesn't make the sound unless you're on the water and the boat is floating because then it flexes. And in the two, the two metal sides of the hull, kind of like, you know, that really slow intense squeaking that you can get when you like, just barely move Styrofoam against, you know, surfaces.

• 26:28Speaker 06

  You guys really enjoy this bit. You guys really, really enjoy this bit.

• 26:31Speaker 08

  You, you said it was a good bit. Everyone's enjoying this.

• 26:34Speaker 06

  It's brilliant. I think everyone's gonna hate you. I hate you, but it's brilliant. I did not see this coming. Uh, let's do the, the coney crate.

• 26:41Speaker 08

  Oh yeah. So you have to imagine you're eating, hopefully your favorite food while, and this sound is happening also as part of the whole experience.

• 26:50Speaker 06

  That's pretty actually legit. Also, whenever you like have it on a table and you have to like cut in it. Yeah.

• 26:56Speaker 08

  Or like you have it in the car and you get home with it and you go to grab it and the box isn't quite lined up and it just like, you know, and then you have to squeeze harder and you're like, ah, not my conies. I'll save you conies.

• 27:09Speaker 07

  Or when you're done with your conies and you pick up the pack, you're trying to lick all the goop off the inside. You're stretching it.

• 27:16Speaker 08

  They got the, they got the special habanero cheese and you're like, oh, give me the extra cheese. Habanero cheese in my mouth.

• 27:24Speaker 06

  I don't want it that bad. None of that. Um.

• 27:26Speaker 07

  Or when your buddy ate your conies and you're picking up the empty can and you're like,

• 27:32Speaker 07

  and you're squeezing it.

• 27:33Speaker 06

  Okay, this is, this is bottom of seat here. And honestly, Styrofoam cup goes down with it because you guys are making me remember all the feelings of putting that on my lips. So move, move cup back down.

• 27:41Speaker 07

  But yeah, oh.

• 27:44Speaker 08

  We're, we're not done till we have something in every tier. You can't have an empty tier. That's not how tier lists.

• 27:48Speaker 06

  Oh, uh, ball, ball goes up to A.

• 27:52Speaker 07

  Ball was pretty okay.

• 27:53Speaker 08

  Well, do you, let's hear the last one again. We do have to put this one somewhere.

• 27:57Speaker 06

  Just crunch, I remember, right? Yeah.

• 28:00Speaker 08

  Yeah, that's not so bad. It's not like this one.

• 28:03Speaker 06

  Oh dude.

• 28:05Speaker 08

  This one's way better.

• 28:07Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 28:08Speaker 08

  Oh, you know what's more realistic though? In, in real life, if you were breaking such a big piece of Styrofoam, I think it would sound like this.

• 28:18Speaker 08

  All together now.

• 28:22Speaker 08

  How many buttons can you press at the same time on a stream deck?

• 28:35Speaker 08

  Anyway, where does the breaking go? The broken, the, you know, snapped piece.

• 28:40Speaker 06

  Dude, it's been, the breaking part of it, the actual snap doesn't bother me, but those two pieces, if someone grabbed them and started rubbing them together, that has been what has plagued me my whole fucking life. So that goes to the bottom of D tier because that image is one that haunts my nightmares. Ball, ball A tier.

• 28:56Speaker 08

  Ball is life.

• 28:58Speaker 06

  And we're done. Great job. Good show. Good bit. Fun.

• 29:01Speaker 08

  Like this is a really bottom weighted tier list. This is just kind of negative today.

• 29:05Speaker 06

  Styrofoam is a bottom, so it makes sense. But you know what's at the top? Art. Art's great. Love art.

• 29:10Speaker 08

  Art is good. That's, that's way it's S tier styrofoam sound.

• 29:16Speaker 06

  Not the sound, not the sound.

• 29:18Speaker 08

  It's all part of it though. The smell, the sound. The taste, the texture. They let, they give you a piece and you can chew on it or whatever you want. Stick it in your pants. It's art.

• 29:28Speaker 06

  I can't believe there's worms that eat this shit. Those need to be exterminated immediately.

• 29:32Speaker 08

  No, they're gonna save our lives. They're going to consume all the excess. You want the worms. This is the sound you want to hear, Wade.

• 29:41Speaker 08

  You, cause that's the sound of the worms eating all the styrofoam that's otherwise never going to degrade. That's always gonna just be laying around piling up. Styrofoam is gonna choke out the world unless we can make more worms like that.

• 29:56Speaker 06

  Alright, then do it, I guess. I'll just get rid of it somehow.

• 29:59Speaker 08

  Alright, we're sending some to your house. I'll send you a big, big styrofoam box full of worms. Hopefully they're still inside by the time it gets there.

• 30:06Speaker 06

  It'll go with the rest of my boxes, unopened and in the corner.

• 30:09Speaker 08

  That'll find their way out, don't you worry.

• 30:11Speaker 06

  Oh man, what an episode. Good episode.

• 30:13Speaker 08

  Oh, we're not done yet. Yeah, we're not done yet. What are you talking about?

• 30:16Speaker 06

  Okay. I don't feel so good. Do you feel good?

• 30:20Speaker 08

  I know what'll help you. Reading another scripted bit.

• 30:23Speaker 06

  Oh, fun.

• 30:27Speaker 08

  Don't worry, buddy. This one's, this one's actually a little bit longer than what Mark had. It'll go fast. It'll go fast. I'm gonna put the script in the chat and you could just read it from the chat. Wow, that looks long in that chat.

• 30:41Speaker 06

  Jesus, I had to scroll for a minute there. Uh, editors were fading into the interior of distractible, whatever that means.

• 30:50Speaker 06

  Sorry, no, no, no other camera there.

• 31:12Speaker 08

  Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming out tonight. We've got a great lineup of comedians for you and we'll get to those right after this first guy. He's bald, he won't shut up about philosophy and for some reason, he's here to perform for you right now. It's Wade.

• 31:28Speaker 08

  It's a little more enthusiastic than I was expecting. There you go.

• 31:32Speaker 08

  Uh, that's, that's accurate.

• 31:42Speaker 08

  This is not in the script, so I just want to put that out there. That was a good bit of improv, Wade. I appreciate it.

• 31:50Speaker 06

  Um, like fuck you guys, fuck you all for watching and listening and fuck you too for putting this together.

• 31:56Speaker 08

  It's scripted. Do you not see this? Is it too hard to read, the scripted part?

• 31:59Speaker 06

  Uh, it said I began my comedy routine, which I did, and then you guys had to talk shit. And it says I'm an asshole, so I'm trying to be an asshole, which is I think what I'm doing.

• 32:07Speaker 08

  The part where it says Wade in, in capitals, that's, oh, you know what? This is too hard to read. I thought it would format it better than this. This is too hard to read now that I'm saying.

• 32:15Speaker 06

  Send it to me. I'll, I'll put it in script format for it. I can read this part. I was just doing my comedy routine and being an asshole.

• 32:21Speaker 08

  Here, Wade, can you open this link? What happens when you click on that?

• 32:25Speaker 06

  I'm signing in with my Google account to something.

• 32:28Speaker 08

  It's fine, it's fine.

• 32:29Speaker 06

  Uh, I encountered an error.

• 32:31Speaker 08

  Son of a bitch.

• 32:32Speaker 06

  The only thing I see is fade in. It's dark and stormy.

• 32:36Speaker 08

  Oh, that's not it. Uh, here, I'm sending you the PDF. The PDF finally happened. I'm sending you the PDF.

• 32:41Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 32:42Speaker 08

  I really thought that would work better, but, uh...

• 32:44Speaker 06

  Oh, I didn't know that you were supposed to read the other part, so I'm glad that you broke the silence with that, because I didn't see the word "Bob" anywhere.

• 32:49Speaker 08

  Yeah, I was, I was, I thought you were just letting it cook. That's fine.

• 32:52Speaker 06

  What's up, douchebags? That's right, it's time for Wade's Big Philosophy Funnies! How many of you idiots know what philosophy even is? Oh, do you know, Mark? Do you know? No! You dropped out of college. Bob, do you know? Oh, you were so smart. You were, I went to law school. Where I practiced my law. Not at all. And you guys out there, what are you doing with your lives? Not doing anything productive, because you're watching us.

• 33:15Speaker 08

  Yeah, to be antagonistic towards the show.

• 33:17Speaker 06

  Wrong, wrong! No, no, no! Double no, idiot! Look at this guy. Hair? Anyway, you're all stupid, so I'll just tell you. Philosophy is whatever someone smarter than you tells you what to believe. Since I'm... Clearly, the smart went here. I'll just tell you all how to live. So Jean-Paul Sartre, I don't even know how to pronounce his fucking name, because I'm also an idiot, is writing "Being and Nothingness" at a local cafe when the barista comes up and asks him if he wants anything. Sart says, "Yes, I'd like a coffee, please. No milk." The barista responds, "I'm sorry, monsieur. We're out of milk. Would you like it with no cream instead?" Don't you just love Jean-Paul Sartre? Jean-Paul!

• 33:55Speaker 08

  No. Oh, yeah, Mark, you have a line.

• 33:58Speaker 06

  Say who? Who? Who? Anyway, Descartes is sitting at a bar having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," he says, and disappears.

• 34:11Speaker 06

  You guys don't get it, because you're fucking stupid. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

• 34:18Speaker 06

  Two behaviorists have sex. One turns to the other and says, "That was good for you. How was it for me?" Oh, these are the jokes.

• 34:26Speaker 08

  Is that philosophy?

• 34:27Speaker 06

  How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb? Depends on how you define "change."

• 34:34Speaker 06

  Well, that's my time. You're welcome for all the wisdom I just dropped. Stay stupid.

• 34:44Speaker 08

  Alright, the script just says he has to decide when it's time to come back, that he's supposed to just stay off camera until he thinks it's time to come back. So, we're free now. Well, that was way shorter than I expected.

• 34:56Speaker 06

  You guys complimenting my performance?

• 34:58Speaker 08

  You think that was, you think that was true to the script? You think that was a long enough break there? I thought you'd be gone for-

• 35:03Speaker 06

  Oh, I thought it said, "I decide."

• 35:05Speaker 08

  I didn't know what it, do you know what any of those jokes meant? I didn't, honestly, I expected you to be able to pronounce-

• 35:10Speaker 06

  Yeah, they're-

• 35:11Speaker 08

  The French guy's name.

• 35:12Speaker 06

  I don't think I ever read any Sartre, Sarté, I don't, I don't, I've never read any of his work. I, I finally got the rhetorical question one way too late. That's great. I got the rhetorical question one. What about Descartes? "I think, therefore I am," and he says, "I don't think," therefore he disappears. Because he's not, since he doesn't think. What was the question?

• 35:31Speaker 08

  Descartes, he said, "I think, therefore I am," and then they asked him if he wants a beer. He says, "I think not," and then he, he isn't anymore because he doesn't think.

• 35:39Speaker 06

  Oh.

• 35:40Speaker 08

  He disappears.

• 35:41Speaker 06

  I see, I got it. Philosophers changing a lightbulb, but like the word "change," depends on what they do to the lightbulb or how it like, well, okay.

• 35:48Speaker 08

  Do you know, do you know what behaviorists believe? Or what that, do you know what that is? I don't know that one. But I really like the "it was good for you, was it good for me?" I think that's a hell of a line.

• 35:58Speaker 06

  Yeah, I, I imagine behaviorists focus on other people's behavior. So like, they're probably like, I don't know, I've never studied behaviorism.

• 36:07Speaker 08

  Do you know anything about philosophy? You're pretty rude about the whole thing, but-

• 36:10Speaker 06

  What is knowing?

• 36:12Speaker 08

  It's when you know something and you can tell someone else what it is.

• 36:15Speaker 06

  See, for me, philosophy was more about learning to think than it was remembering stupid facts. Like, facts get in the way.

• 36:21Speaker 08

  I don't, I think facts are knowledge. I think you're talking about wisdom.

• 36:24Speaker 06

  Explains why you didn't get any of the humor.

• 36:27Speaker 08

  That's the only scripted bit I have. Not a very good screenwriter.

• 36:30Speaker 06

  No, it was great. I loved it. I, I enjoyed it. I liked my intro with the coin and the cigar, and I liked my comedy philosophy jokes. I thought that was all great. Much better than the last bit with the noises and pictures. Ah, the noises. Okay, man. Why? Great show. Great episode. You guys did a good job.

• 36:48Speaker 07

  I apologize. Wait, I didn't write you an outro, so you're on your own.

• 36:52Speaker 06

  Oh, is this the outro time?

• 36:54Speaker 07

  Unless you got more show. I'm ready.

• 36:55Speaker 06

  I don't know, Bob. Is it my outro time?

• 36:58Speaker 08

  Would you like me to come up with something on the fly for you to do? Or would you?

• 37:02Speaker 06

  No, no, if you're good, I just want to make sure I have satisfied the requirements under one man show constitutional law. All good. I'll do an outro. Look at me. Hee hee hee. I just did all of that dumb shit. Bald! Hope you enjoyed. I was super toyed with. Thanks for watching Distractible. One of us probably won. I'm gonna hand it over to these two now to determine who that was.

• 37:27Speaker 07

  Oh, well, you know, it's a tough choice. It was a real tough battle out there. I think that, you know, hmm.

• 37:34Speaker 08

  I wrote down a lot of points, and almost none of them were for Wade.

• 37:39Speaker 07

  Yeah, almost none.

• 37:40Speaker 06

  Who else could they be for?

• 37:42Speaker 08

  I just said anyone who's not Wade on my scorecard. I don't know. I guess technically Wade has to win it, though.

• 37:50Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 37:50Speaker 08

  If we're gonna follow our own made up rules that don't mean anything.

• 37:54Speaker 07

  Yeah, I mean, it's his show. He's the only one competing, so.

• 37:58Speaker 08

  Congratulations, I guess, are in order. You did it.

• 38:01Speaker 06

  Over. It's done.

• 38:03Speaker 07

  Your prize is a lifetime supply of packing peanuts going to be flooded by hose into your house. Every window, we've already tapped. We've conquered your HVAC system. We're going to be pumping it in from below and above.

• 38:18Speaker 06

  That would actually be... Okay, the noises, sir.

• 38:21Speaker 08

  Oh, not that one.

• 38:24Speaker 06

  What the fuck was that?

• 38:25Speaker 08

  That was the intro again.

• 38:27Speaker 06

  I think packing peanuts in the wind, like filling a house with packing, even a room, would be the worst prank someone could pull on me. Noted. You guys wanna give like a loser's speech? Do I give the loser's speech?

• 38:39Speaker 08

  We didn't lose.

• 38:40Speaker 06

  Who did?

• 38:40Speaker 08

  Me. I think everyone lost. I definitely think there should be a Styrofoam warning on the top of this episode. I know you're not the only person who dislikes those sounds and there was a lot of that.

• 38:51Speaker 06

  I'm thankful that most of those were relatively mild. There were a few that gave me the chills, but most of them were relatively mild and I appreciate that.

• 38:59Speaker 08

  Try to keep it fun here, you know?

• 39:00Speaker 06

  Most cases worse than the actual noise. There were some bad noises. You got some bad ones. Well put. Good to see you, boys. Glad it came back like this. Man, I've got so many ideas for next episode. I just don't know which one I'm gonna pick, so stay tuned.

• 39:12Speaker 08

  I guess one of us should do the outro, huh? To check out the, follow the podcast and the merch, but what did all that shit we usually say? Anyway.

• 39:20Speaker 06

  People keep saying, hey, why don't we just stock more? It's like, we have been each time we have stocked more than we did last time. It's not a ploy. You guys just buy it. And so next time we'll order more. We're, we're working on it.

• 39:36Speaker 08

  Should say, there's Valentine's Day stuff coming that, that no one is, has not been public yet. You should, so see if that's there. Unless you catch it in the first hour, it's probably sold out. So you really gotta be on top of it, but. Okay, bye. Podcast out.

• 39:54Speaker 05

  Watch new episodes on Spotify.

• 39:59Speaker 10

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• 40:29Speaker 03

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