The Perfectest Crime

Detectives Bob and Wade are on the case to piece together the clues left at the scene of the perfect crime. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractible. This legendary episode. Brainstorming Blue Prince Bob rejects a southern draw, and wistering Wade Wade detects a cold, hard one as Magnifico Mark the Semper Ternum Maestro finally unleashes the most anticipated event in podcast history. From sucking ass to extensive notes. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. It's finally time for The Perfectest Crime.

• 0:39Speaker 00

  Now, sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

• 0:47Speaker 01

  Welcome, everybody, to Distractible. You read the title correctly. It is time for The Perfectest Crime. I've been working on this for a very long time. I actually, well, you know, I, man, I can't, I can't spoil it. You don't even know who I am. I'm Mark, inventor. If you're watching this in the future in some historical archive of the greatest podcast episode ever made, which is only this episode, it's me, the creator of the world-changing, it either brought world peace, or it destroyed everything even more than it already is.

• 1:26Speaker 01

  Me, Mark, legendary host of the future greatest episode of Distractible that ever existed.

• 1:34Speaker 02

  Especially your podcast nickname in the future, Mark the Creator-plier.

• 1:39Speaker 03

  The legend.

• 1:40Speaker 01

  That's pretty good. Yep, I'm gonna give you both point for, uh, for, uh, so kiss ass, suck, I'll give-

• 1:45Speaker 02

  Suck it ass?

• 1:47Speaker 01

  Kiss ass point. Wait, you get a suck ass point?

• 1:50Speaker 03

  Oh, hell, yeah. I'll take what I, man, you have just have-

• 1:54Speaker 01

  Just salve? What the fuck?

• 1:56Speaker 03

  I'll address it in small talk.

• 1:57Speaker 01

  All right, that's good. Uh, well, too bad, you guys, there is literally no time for small talk. This is going to be such a dense episode that there will not be an opportunity to discuss your lives, because your lives are now on the line.

• 2:18Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 2:19Speaker 01

  Also, also, it's Bob and Wade for anyone also the future historians that are watching this. Yes, it's the legendary participants.

• 2:27Speaker 02

  The legendary, the legendary other two guys, also known as and friends for all time.

• 2:33Speaker 01

  It's Bob, middle name Muyskens. What's your middle name?

• 2:37Speaker 02

  Martin.

• 2:37Speaker 03

  Wade Wade Barnes.

• 2:39Speaker 01

  Do you not want to reveal your true name?

• 2:41Speaker 03

  No, I don't want people knowing George is my first name. That'd be helpful.

• 2:44Speaker 02

  I know the, the audience has been excitedly waiting for this to happen, but I think Wade and I are at least 60% as excited as the audience is to see what exactly this is about to be.

• 2:55Speaker 03

  Well, Bob, I work in fractions, but that probably adds up to the percent you were talking about.

• 2:59Speaker 02

  Six tenths, sir.

• 3:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, I don't like to condense.

• 3:02Speaker 01

  Are you boys ready?

• 3:04Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 3:05Speaker 01

  I want you to close your eyes.

• 3:08Speaker 03

  Mine?

• 3:11Speaker 02

  What the fuck?

• 3:12Speaker 03

  Sorry, you can keep yours open.

• 3:14Speaker 02

  The ones on the front of your face. Yes.

• 3:17Speaker 01

  Everyone at home, you, you don't have to close your eyes, especially if you're driving. Like, please keep them open.

• 3:22Speaker 02

  Unless you want to really see what excitement is.

• 3:25Speaker 01

  You gradually wake up from a drug induced sleep. You can't see. It's currently dark everywhere. Even if you were to open your eyes, you closing your eyes right now is not the same as in the room. You could open your eyes, but just you can't see right now. Suddenly, a speaker crackles overhead and you hear the following.

• 3:49Speaker 04

  Rise and shine. Rise and shine. I have to ask you a question. Is the tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it? Then does it really matter? Who was holding the axe? You see, I have a problem. My crimes have become too perfect. No one will ever know.

• 4:21Speaker 04

  Surely I am not perfect. Is that even possible? I am a criminal. I have perpet- ...chaos. But if no one knows. Why then would I even do it? In the first place. But that's why you're here. Look around you. In this place. I have committed the perfect crime. You don't even know what you lost, but you will. If you are as good as they say. If you're not. Then no one will ever know of my crimes. And I was too. Perfect.

• 5:06Speaker 04

  Solve the mystery with the clues I have left you detectives. Some of them may be true. Some of them may be false. It is up to you to differentiate the method from the madness. But look carefully. Trust. Nothing. Trust everything. Can you really even trust? The man standing across from you. Perhaps only the most perfect detective could penetrate the perfect crime. Good luck detectives. And act quickly. Time is against you.

• 5:48Speaker 01

  You open your eyes, you're in a room. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, yes. And across from you, you recognize each other. The two greatest detectives in this day and age. You both are rivals, vying for the top spot, always at each other's, you know, backs, you know, trying to solve the biggest mystery. You've got, oh, you can pick your own, I guess, detective names. I didn't really come up with Schmenwoschmalonk, you know, uh, and then Wade.

• 6:22Speaker 02

  Oh, it's I'm Sven Wash Blanc.

• 6:24Speaker 03

  You could be whoever you were. You could be Bob, I guess. I wasn't claiming that one.

• 6:28Speaker 01

  But you're the greatest detectives that ever lived. You find yourself in a square room. And how this is gonna work is I'm not gonna describe what's in the room. Right now, what you guys are doing is you are going to take turns looking around the room. I will tell you where you have to pick a direction to look, northeast, south, west, wherever. And I will tell you what's in that direction. And then you'll differentiate the room. It'll be like segmented off like that. There's north stuff in the north. Stuff in the east, south, and west. And then in there, you can then search in something in that area or look somewhere in there. And you'll find a clue.

• 7:10Speaker 01

  And once you find that clue, you will then weave that clue into the story of what the crime is. You don't know what the crime is. You don't know how it was made. But you're gonna figure it out because you're the greatest detective to ever live in. Also, you're trying to beat the other guy, right? You wanna be better. So each of you is gonna take turns. The only rule is that you have to end your rant with, "Don't you see? It's the perfect crime." That's what you have to end it as, right?

• 7:41Speaker 03

  I write that down?

• 7:42Speaker 01

  You're gonna write that down? "Don't you see?"

• 7:47Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 7:49Speaker 01

  Now, here's the thing. This guy, the person who left, Gorgor, or whoever, or thing, or monster, or entity, has, is so good at crime. This is legitimately the perfect crime. They have laid the clues out in the exact order that they knew you would find it in. They knew you so well that they knew which clue you'd find before. So you have to keep the clues in order and you will be using the other person's clues that they find. You don't know who this is. You don't know what the crime even is. You have to start from scratch. But assume that you are equipped with some basic detective-ing things, magnifying glass.

• 8:31Speaker 01

  You've got a fingerprint kit for all the good that'll do you. You've got, you know, a notebook. You've got things that you can detect with, right? Okay. Does that all make sense?

• 8:44Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 8:44Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 8:45Speaker 01

  Now, I'm gonna flip a coin and I'm gonna determine who's going to look and find the first clue. Heads Wade, tail Bob.

• 8:54Speaker 03

  Oh. Good job.

• 8:57Speaker 01

  Tail Bob.

• 8:57Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 8:58Speaker 01

  Alright, so Bob, once again, square room, northeast, south and west. Look in a direction and then you'll see something. I'll tell you what's in there and then you can look for one clue and it'll, you can keep going till you find one clue.

• 9:11Speaker 05

  Now my mama, mama schmuck.

• 9:13Speaker 02

  Oh no, I'm not fucking coming to that for the whole episode, God. I do not have a southern accent that I can do for that long. I just don't.

• 9:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, I know, I know. That's very good.

• 9:24Speaker 02

  Anyway, I was, I'll do what schmenois would have done anyway. I feel like I have to look south. Everything always starts in the south.

• 9:32Speaker 01

  Along the south wall is a half kitchen. There's a fridge, a sink, a stove, well, just a cooktop and like, I guess you could call it like, of a kitchen countertop with drawers.

• 9:45Speaker 02

  You said there is a fridge, right? Yeah, I, you have, I have to start in the fridge. Learn a lot about a person from the fridge.

• 9:51Speaker 01

  Okay, gotcha. Fridge or freezer?

• 9:53Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, top and bottom. If it's a top and bottom, you gotta go freezer first on top. That's where the sketchy stuff goes.

• 10:00Speaker 01

  You open up the freezer and you find a plastic wrapped bundle of cash, hundred dollar bills in stacks.

• 10:10Speaker 02

  And now I have to formulate my version of what the crime was?

• 10:13Speaker 01

  Yes, yes, that's your first clue.

• 10:16Speaker 02

  It's all clear now. It's all coming into focus. Don't you see? The criminal stole this cash.

• 10:27Speaker 02

  Don't you see? It's the perfect crime.

• 10:31Speaker 03

  I understand.

• 10:32Speaker 01

  Alright Wade, your turn.

• 10:34Speaker 03

  Alright, so Bob and I are rivals. We are opposite of each other.

• 10:38Speaker 02

  I'm smart, he's stupid. I'm fat, he's bald.

• 10:41Speaker 03

  And Bob started in the south, so in order to be his polar opposite and be a true rival, I'm gonna look at the west wall.

• 10:50Speaker 01

  W- west?

• 10:52Speaker 03

  That threw me for a second.

• 10:56Speaker 01

  Okay, alright, okay. In the West, you see a small science looking setup. There's beakers and chemicals bubbling, there's like a table there with drawers as well, and then there's a standing wardrobe cupboard looking thing.

• 11:14Speaker 03

  And do I know Bob's clue? Am I allowed to use his clue?

• 11:17Speaker 01

  Yes, yeah, you're, you're so good. You see what he's doing.

• 11:20Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 11:21Speaker 01

  You know, you're both, you know, that Sherlock Holmes detective mode thing, you know, piecing it all together.

• 11:26Speaker 03

  Okay, so whenever I formulate my hypothesis, it has to include his clue too. I understand. Um, I'm going to look in the wardrobe cupboard thing.

• 11:34Speaker 01

  Okay, wait, actually, you have to look left door or right door of the cupboard.

• 11:38Speaker 03

  Well, I read left to right, so let's go right.

• 11:40Speaker 01

  Okay, you see a dirty, used shovel.

• 11:45Speaker 03

  I, Detective Wade, know that the perfectest crime was committed. Money was taken from someone very well off and buried, but our criminal found himself in dire straits, needed to access that money, dug it up, laundered it, and put it in the freezer so he'd have access to some cold, hard cash. Don't you see? It's the perfect crime.

• 12:06Speaker 01

  Did you really have to check?

• 12:08Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 12:12Speaker 01

  Alright, alright. Bob, it's your turn.

• 12:14Speaker 02

  Well, I have to stay in the South because I'm lazy. Uh, let's, let's progress to the refrigerator.

• 12:22Speaker 01

  Uh, you open the refrigerator and you see on the top shelf, a blue crown, like lots of little sapphire gems. It's very elaborate. The fur lining around it is also blue. Uh, it's just a weirdly blue crown.

• 12:41Speaker 02

  Yes, it's all coming together. The criminal, of course, broke into the home of the ambassador, not from anywhere in particular, just the ambassador, it's a known person, and went to safe number one, expecting to find the sapphire crown of crowns, uh, but found just a big old box of cash, which obviously they took. Uh, they went to safe number- Two, because they had contingencies, got it open, dirty shovel, clearly had been used to hide a body as the ambassador is want to do. Took it, who might, you might need leverage, you know, only adds to the perfectness of the crime. And then, as they were on their way to safe number three, tripped over the crown, the crown laying on the floor in the bedroom of the ambassador.

• 13:26Speaker 02

  Clearly had been used as part of some sort of role playing game, perhaps with a mistress, maybe with, who, who knows? Hard to tell. Anyway, that's what they were really there for. They snatched the crown and they head in home. It's perfect. Don't you see?

• 13:44Speaker 02

  It's the perfect crime.

• 13:46Speaker 03

  Okay. So am I repeating what Bob said about the ambassador? Or is that just?

• 13:50Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no. You, the clues are what's important.

• 13:53Speaker 03

  Okay, got it.

• 13:54Speaker 01

  How the web is weaved is up to you. We're, as, as the clues pile on, you and your genius is gonna call him an idiot. And you're gonna figure out what the real crime is.

• 14:06Speaker 03

  I am going to open the other wardrobe.

• 14:10Speaker 01

  Man, you guys are, you guys are lazy. He's just looking in the safe spots. I should've.

• 14:14Speaker 03

  Who goes to loot? Something's like, I better go across the room before I open the second door.

• 14:18Speaker 01

  I thought you might have some, all right, you know, it's fine. You open up the other one and you find a crowbar, a battered and used crowbar.

• 14:27Speaker 03

  Any, any debris on it? Or is it just like dinged up?

• 14:30Speaker 01

  The paint's chipped up. It's been, it's to indicate it's been used. What for? Who knows? But it's clearly been used. Both ends are used up, scuffed. It's old.

• 14:40Speaker 03

  My dear Dawson's, I have come up with another hypothesis.

• 14:43Speaker 01

  You what?

• 14:44Speaker 03

  Basil of Baker Street from Great Mouse Detective and his associate Dawson, or Sherlock Holmes and, you know, his.

• 14:52Speaker 02

  I can't tell if it's a bit anymore.

• 14:54Speaker 03

  The guy with the creek, you know, Dawson, he had the creek.

• 14:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, I know that one. I'm familiar with that Dawson.

• 15:00Speaker 03

  I do like my rival's idea about the ambassador. I'm gonna use the the ambassador. But the ambassador was visiting a trip to the palace of the monarchy, where the blue prince resided. I'm all too familiar with blue crowns with my time with the blue prince. The ambassador caught our culprit in the act of stealing this crown. In haste, the crowbar used to break into the building was also used to dispatch of our poor ambassador, who is loaded with pockets of money. The ambassador was taken, buried in a hole, money removed from his pockets, shoved into a freezer. So that way, whenever our culprit needed access to cold, hard cash,

• 15:42Speaker 03

  it would be cold, it would be hard, and still cash. Don't you see? It's the perfect crime.

• 15:49Speaker 01

  I I do see, I do see. Uh, but Bob, I don't think that's the full story.

• 15:54Speaker 02

  No, no, I see something very different happening. I stand up from the refrigerator, slam it shut, gasp, and then run with my arms flailing over my head to the west to see what the hell Wade's looking at.

• 16:09Speaker 01

  There's a science table, lots of science stuff. There's chemicals in beakers. There's a drawers, a stack of drawers. And then there's the cupboard. The cupboard is open. Wade is standing in front of it, holding a shovel and a crowbar.

• 16:23Speaker 02

  So I just start rummaging through the vials full of chemicals to see what's going on with those.

• 16:29Speaker 01

  What's being concocted, you have deduced with your detective's eye, is one of the most deadly poisons known to man. Silent, tasteless, odorless, almost the perfect poison, if not the perfect poison.

• 16:45Speaker 02

  What we're uncovering this far is only the pre heist to set up the heist of all heists. We're not even, we're not even talking about the real crime yet. So clearly, so I think I was generally right about the first part. The crowbar was used by the criminal to make entrance into the ambassador's home. The cash was just picked up. Ambassador is known to carry cash and the criminal just. Like a video game just went around picking up piles of cash and then wrapped it, put it in the freezer just in case. And the shovel was, was found in the safe as described, clearly leverage over the ambassador. And the blue crown maybe was found in one of the safes. Maybe I misread that, but the blue crown is the key. The blue crown was taken and is going

• 17:30Speaker 02

  to be used or was used. I guess this is supposed to have been perpetrated. It was used by the criminal to gain entrance into the gala. The criminal posed as the blue prince, uh, who we all know and have so much experience with, and I have just as much, if not more experience than Wade with, cause he's a liar and he exaggerates. Criminal posed as the blue prince and bought a small pen, ballpoint pen filled with this tasteless, uh, odorless, perfect poison so that he could sneak into the gala, sneak up to the red queen, blue

• 18:12Speaker 02

  prince's own mother, jab her with the ballpoint pen unbeknownstly to her or anyone else, and then slink away as the blue prince is known to do. He's a slinker and our criminal slunk away back to his hideout. And as perfection dictates, the queen died sometime later where no one could even understand how it was she came to pass.

• 18:38Speaker 01

  Damn, that's crazy. Where'd the ballpoint pen come from?

• 18:41Speaker 02

  I would, who doesn't have a ballpoint pen? Everybody's a ballpoint pen. It's in the ambassador's house. He was like, ooh, cash, cash, pen, cash, cat.

• 18:51Speaker 01

  That's your first warning. You added a clue that wasn't there. I'm not going to deduct anything, but yeah, it's your first warning.

• 18:57Speaker 02

  All right. Maybe it wasn't a ballpoint pen. Am I allowed to say just that it's an implement? Maybe that will come up.

• 19:02Speaker 03

  I hope it's a fountain pen just to spite you.

• 19:05Speaker 02

  Oh wait, uh, don't you see? It's the perfect crime.

• 19:09Speaker 01

  All right. Very, very good. Wade, uh, Bob is, is in the west.

• 19:14Speaker 03

  Yeah. Well, it's time for me to move. We're gonna go north.

• 19:21Speaker 03

  Why is the north funny?

• 19:23Speaker 02

  I laughed because I thought that's where I was and then I thought for another second it was like, "Nope, that's not where I was." He was just trading spots with me, but I'm just an idiot.

• 19:34Speaker 03

  I'm going north on this wall and swapping with Bob to look at the poison.

• 19:38Speaker 01

  In the north wall, there's an elegant armchair, there is a fireplace, and there is a really, really nice, old wooden desk.

• 19:50Speaker 01

  It's a really nice, you know, armchair too, I guess, and a really, really, they're all really, really nice.

• 19:55Speaker 03

  I'm going to start with the armchair.

• 19:58Speaker 02

  He just wants to sit down, I see.

• 20:00Speaker 03

  I know.

• 20:02Speaker 01

  You look closely at the armchair and you notice an engraving on it that says, "From the White House." See, there's no name for the chair. The White House, but you know.

• 20:16Speaker 03

  The White House chair, the White House armchair, everyone knows the White House armchair.

• 20:20Speaker 02

  Wait, I recognize that chair, is that the chair that goes with the Resolute Desk?

• 20:24Speaker 01

  Yes, it is the chair that goes with the Resolute Desk.

• 20:27Speaker 02

  It must be called the Resolute Chair.

• 20:29Speaker 01

  Yes, it's the Resolute Chair!

• 20:32Speaker 02

  AKA, Ben Franklin's ass warmer.

• 20:35Speaker 01

  Yes, yes, yes, you found the Resolute Chair.

• 20:39Speaker 03

  This fits into my narrative so well.

• 20:44Speaker 03

  Our culprit went to break into the palace to steal the blue crown from the blue prince. He was caught and, bastard or otherwise, grabbed a nearby shovel, which is always all over the palaces, as you know. A crowbar, I'm sorry, crowbar is what he used. Also all over the palaces. When he broke into the palace, hit the witness over the head, had to drag him out, bury him, empty his pockets. One thing he didn't count was that his chair, the ambassador's chair, had an engraving from the White House. Our culprit in committing the perfectest crime was also unraveling a conspiracy involving the White House, trying to get this crown for themselves. Fearing for his life, he took the money he had, stored it in his freezer, knowing that not only was he about to have

• 21:30Speaker 03

  the police after him for his crimes, but the entire force of the US government to conceal their part in this.

• 21:37Speaker 02

  Don't you see? It's the perfect crime.

• 21:42Speaker 01

  All right, here you have it. If you, if you haven't counted on, I'm giving a point for every time you end it with, you see, this is a perfect crime. And then I, I'm, I would deduct a point if you've missed any of the clues. So I'm keeping track of it. There are now six clues on the field.

• 21:59Speaker 03

  And there was poison.

• 22:01Speaker 01

  Oh, fuck, you missed the poison.

• 22:04Speaker 01

  I called it out before you did. There was poison.

• 22:07Speaker 03

  He told it himself. I caught, I caught it.

• 22:10Speaker 01

  Nope, nah, uh, you'd already said, you already said, don't you see? It's the perfect crime.

• 22:15Speaker 03

  But don't you see it's the perfectest crime?

• 22:17Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no, that's not it. Okay, good. All right, delightful. Bob, your turn.

• 22:23Speaker 02

  I'm gonna go to the only other place that we haven't checked out yet. Just out of pure curiosity. I go to the east.

• 22:30Speaker 01

  All right, in the east, you see a door, there is a keyhole, and there's a light switch.

• 22:36Speaker 02

  Well, I know if I go and peer into the keyhole, so I'm just gonna stab me in the eye. So I'm gonna check out the light switch.

• 22:41Speaker 01

  All right, okay. The only thing you can do this with the light switch is flip it. So are you flipping it?

• 22:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, I flip it really fast without looking at anything. I just start going. Eventually my wrist gets tired as kind of like, ah, da, da, da, and then I give up.

• 22:55Speaker 01

  What you're seeing is the lights go out, but instead of being total darkness, you see a purple glow emanate in the room. And you see the fracture, for a fraction of a second, you see weird shapes and like, you know, things glowing here and there where you're like. And then eventually you settle with it off and you hear the following message.

• 23:15Speaker 04

  Congratulations detectives. I didn't expect to take you that long, but I would have been more disappointed if you didn't make it. Like a baby. But now it's time to run. You didn't think it was just one step, did you? I'm afraid there are layers. And now you must weave the story of my crime together. Take the clues that you had and add them to what you see. But the real question is, which step came first? Did you start at the beginning or did you start at the end? The only way forward is to discover more clues.

• 23:59Speaker 04

  I've left you everything you need. More clues. More. Bloody herring. I totally hope to see you. On the other side. But if I don't, then it only proves my point. Or maybe I'm already seeing you. Right now.

• 24:20Speaker 01

  So in the darkness, there's suddenly these strange glowing spots around the room. All you know, in all the, the four cardinal directions, on the floor, ceiling.

• 24:33Speaker 02

  Are they moving? No. So they're just like static spots all around.

• 24:37Speaker 01

  No, they're not moving. Everything's still static. Nothing's changing. There's not like, you know, a mobile, baby mobile of lights going around. It's just everything's static. It's black light. So it would reveal certain things.

• 24:49Speaker 03

  I changed pants.

• 24:53Speaker 01

  That's true. You guys haven't looked at each other yet.

• 24:56Speaker 02

  Can I perceive anything or are they just purple spots? Are they like too far away or are they?

• 25:01Speaker 01

  You still have to look in a direction. So as soon as it goes off, wherever your head goes first, that's where you're gonna, oh.

• 25:08Speaker 02

  I immediately looked towards Wade when the lights turn off because I panic and I'm pretty sure he's the criminal. He's just gonna kill me.

• 25:15Speaker 01

  All right. So Wade is up north. Well, I guess that wouldn't matter. You're looking at Wade. I guess it wouldn't matter where he is.

• 25:20Speaker 02

  Yeah. I mean, well, like I start flipping the lights and when I realize I'm like, Wade, and I stare at him.

• 25:26Speaker 01

  Yes. Wade's hands are glowing.

• 25:30Speaker 02

  Interesting.

• 25:31Speaker 03

  They just do that.

• 25:35Speaker 02

  My immediate suspicion is because I know that black light reveals bodily fluids. Wade must have been touching himself, but then I realized that's not what we're doing here. That's not what we're doing here. That's unrelated. He probably was, but this is something else entirely, obviously. So what happened was the criminal is not Wade.

• 25:55Speaker 03

  For $5, I'll show you the perfectest time.

• 26:02Speaker 01

  That'll be Wade's sequel to this game.

• 26:06Speaker 02

  That's like the adult version of it is like this is apples to apples and that's the the Cards Against Humanity version. Our criminal used the crowbar to pry open the safe in the ambassador's house to get the blue crown for the purposes of posing as the blue prince. The blue prince, uh, fake blue prince, our criminal, was planning to attend on that very same evening, the gala at the White House. As we all know, the White House has lots of galas. This is a totally normal thing for White Houses to do. And the blue prince had a plan to murder his mother, the red queen.

• 26:50Speaker 02

  And so he took his stealth shovel, the size of which we have not yet discussed, and coated the tip of it in the perfect poison that he had, uh, hence brewed and brought with him in a tiny vial. And so the criminal, across his back, strapped his widely known tactical shovel that he was wont to carry around, especially to galas. Blue prince with his blue crown and his tactical shovel made his way into the White House, sauntered up casually to the red queen, made sure that he happened to just like be a little rowdy and turn and bump her and cut her right on the arm with the edge of his tactical shovel, which was a thing that he had done many times as a child.

• 27:33Speaker 02

  And so it wouldn't be weird at all for him to do it now as a fully grown adult man or woman. I guess it is blue prince. I mean, probably whatever. So anyway, the poison was thus delivered. And it was at that point that the, uh, the blue prince needed to make an escape and needed to do so in character. And the blue prince is known for stealing something from every party that he attends. And so the blue prince just started rummaging around and at one point picked up a crowbar. No, I used that already. Why did I do that? That's exactly not what I was leading towards. Rummaging around, had a seizure for a second, looked at a crowbar and changed his mind

• 28:14Speaker 02

  and then sat in a chair and declared loudly for the entire gala to hear.

• 28:20Speaker 05

  This is my chair now. I sat in it and I farted in it and so it is mine. This is how we claim chairs in my kingdom, so it is mine.

• 28:32Speaker 02

  And the blue prince snapped his fingers and two royal guards came in and without the blue prince getting out of the chair, they picked up the chair and the prince and unceremoniously carried him out of the gala. And everyone was kind of like, God, I fucking hate that guy. And his mom was like, I know, I know, but we have to invite him. I'm John. I did my best. And everyone kind of looks at her and is like, yeah. And anyway, so that's how we got the chair. But the chair, having the criminal's fart freshly upon it, was placed in our chamber here. And while we were unconscious, purely as a red herring, and because it was pretty funny, the criminal farted a whole bunch more into the chair and then took Wade's hands and just went.

• 29:19Speaker 02

  And so the reason Wade's hands are glowing is because they have misleading fart clue all over them.

• 29:26Speaker 01

  Do farts glow under black light? Wait, sorry, you're not done.

• 29:30Speaker 02

  After all that, the criminal positioned our bodies for us to wake up in the chamber. And right as they were about to leave, and certainly not as an afterthought, they looked at the chair and thought, oh, that's weird. It felt a little pointy when I sat on it. And they sort of looked and there was like a cut in the edge of the upholstery and they pilled it up. And there was just a cube of cash in the chair. They didn't even expect that to happen. And they're like, oh shit, oh God. And they just took the cash out of the chair and stuck that in the freezer because they were like, who would look for clues in a freezer? And so that's why the cash was in the freezer. Don't you see? Don't you see?

• 30:06Speaker 02

  It's the perfect crime.

• 30:08Speaker 01

  All right, there you go. That's the stuff. I think you got everything. I'd almost, I gotta be, have a better system of tracking the items. And I'm gonna put in a time limit on your deductions.

• 30:19Speaker 02

  Why would you do that?

• 30:21Speaker 01

  So make it harder on you.

• 30:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, after my turn, just you wait.

• 30:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna put a two-minute timer on this from here on out. All right, Wade, Wade, it's, it's, uh, it's your turn.

• 30:34Speaker 03

  Is anything glowing in my area, the north wall?

• 30:37Speaker 01

  So you look there, no, there's nothing glowing. I can tell you that, but also I won't let that consume your clue. I hadn't thought about that part of if you could look where there's something not glowing.

• 30:48Speaker 03

  Okay, I just wanted to see if there was something. I was gonna investigate something if it was, but since I'm over here anyway, even though it's not glowing, I'm gonna take a look at the desk.

• 30:54Speaker 01

  Take a look at the desk? Okay, it's too dark to see anything.

• 31:00Speaker 03

  Is that his clue?

• 31:01Speaker 01

  No. Well, I'm just letting you know, black light mode is like a different mode for the room.

• 31:08Speaker 03

  Okay, so we can only investigate things that are glowing when it's in black light mode?

• 31:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Would it help if I told you where like some general? No, you'll figure it out. So you keep looking. You stumble around in the dark.

• 31:19Speaker 03

  I am currently on the north wall. I'm going to move toward the nearest glow, whether it's up, down, or at another wall.

• 31:27Speaker 01

  They're all equidistant.

• 31:28Speaker 03

  I move toward the one on my left.

• 31:31Speaker 01

  If you're facing.

• 31:34Speaker 03

  East.

• 31:35Speaker 01

  Okay, all right. It's the fucking door and the light switch.

• 31:40Speaker 03

  Why are you following me? Get the fuck out of here. Is there any kind of glow from the keyhole? Can I look through the keyhole?

• 31:46Speaker 01

  Uh, nothing.

• 31:47Speaker 03

  Is Bob glowing?

• 31:48Speaker 01

  You looking at Bob? Is that your thing?

• 31:50Speaker 03

  If, yeah, if I can, if I can see him, yeah.

• 31:52Speaker 01

  Bob has stains down his chin, corners of his mouth, on his decolletage, top of his shirt a little bit. So the clue is Bob's glowing mouth area.

• 32:07Speaker 03

  Our culprit broke into the White House with a crowbar, planted the crown of the blue prince, and stole money to send a message and to leave a mis-trail of motive. The actual target in the White House was killed with an untraceable poison, then taken out, buried with a shovel. The money then taken and put into the freezer, kept as cold hard cash for later. I thought my glowing hands were gonna be a red herring, but whenever I looked at my rival and saw that he had a glowing nasty face, I understood that not only was it not a red herring, but our glowing hands and mouth face were actually part of a bigger clue. Our culprit is not only committing the perfectest crime, but they're a pervert.

• 32:48Speaker 01

  Don't you see? It's the perfect crime.

• 32:51Speaker 02

  Did you forget a whole bunch of shit? Are you done?

• 32:55Speaker 01

  You forgot a whole.

• 32:56Speaker 03

  Poison, crowbar, shovel, money, crown, chair, glowing hands, Bob stain. I know all those things.

• 33:04Speaker 01

  Did you? Wait, where's the shovel used?

• 33:06Speaker 03

  The target was killed with the poison, then buried with the shovel.

• 33:09Speaker 01

  I think, yeah, for some reason in my head, I was trying to keep track of it, but you're so quick. So I only need to give you guys one minute.

• 33:16Speaker 03

  Perfect. That's great.

• 33:17Speaker 01

  I don't know. We're gonna keep adding things to this. Okay, Bob.

• 33:21Speaker 02

  I head back to the kitchen to see if there's anything glowing to look at over there. Is there anything on like the stove top that's glowing?

• 33:29Speaker 01

  There, because you've looked in the fridge, the fridge is open and there is a glow in the fridge.

• 33:35Speaker 02

  Oh, I peek back in there.

• 33:37Speaker 01

  It says, look in the cupboard.

• 33:40Speaker 02

  Do I get to do that? Or is that the whole clue?

• 33:43Speaker 01

  That is.

• 33:45Speaker 01

  That's the problem. I see that the problem is.

• 33:48Speaker 02

  In the same continuous motion, I don't stop at the fridge. I see that it says that and I go, oh, and keep scooting right on over to the cupboard.

• 33:58Speaker 01

  I think, yeah, you should, you should be able to, you should be able to, uh, you should be able to do something, so.

• 34:04Speaker 02

  I feel like that's like a special thing. Like I'm not choosing to do that. I like triggered a trap card and now I'm like, oh, in the cupboard.

• 34:10Speaker 01

  It says, look on the ceiling, because the cupboard is open. You guys conveniently did this in a way, I think. And then, are you, you, you obviously continue to look up at the ceiling and it says, look under the body.

• 34:25Speaker 02

  Oh, I look at the floor to see if there's a body?

• 34:30Speaker 01

  Too dark.

• 34:31Speaker 02

  We don't know where that is, do we?

• 34:35Speaker 02

  Do I get to take any additional actions?

• 34:39Speaker 01

  Okay, all right. I'm gonna go ahead and say you would turn the light on cuz you're like, if you're following this trace, like ping pong ping, look down and you can't see it. So you would go turn the light on, right? Then you see on the floor in the center of the room, which has been there the whole time is a body.

• 34:58Speaker 03

  We're not very good detectives.

• 35:01Speaker 02

  I knew that was a mislead. I disregarded it off the rip.

• 35:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, me too.

• 35:06Speaker 01

  Both of you dismissed it. It's too obvious.

• 35:09Speaker 03

  Perfect crime wouldn't leave a body. Clearly it's a.

• 35:12Speaker 01

  All right, I'll give you one minute.

• 35:14Speaker 02

  The criminal clearly brewed the poison, coated the edge of the shovel, uh, broke into the ambassador's house, stole the cube of money and the blue crown, put on the blue crown and the shovel to pose as the blue prince, got into the gala at the White House, accidentally bumped into Red Queen with the poison, thus killing her much later, sat in the resolute chair to make the escape. Wade was actually one of the guards because Wade was already secretly stalking the criminal and has not revealed that yet. And that's why his hands are all colorful. And that's also why my mouth is colorful because once we were here, uh, the, the chair was here, Wade was here, the criminal was here, uh, the, the shovel was here and the criminal, the criminal had used a crowbar to knock

• 35:56Speaker 02

  me unconscious. And then when I was still unconscious in the room, they wiped my face all over the fart chair cuz they thought that would be really funny, uh, which it was to be totally fair. Uh, and then they took the body of the other guard and laid it in the middle of the room.

• 36:11Speaker 02

  Don't you see? It's the perfect crime.

• 36:14Speaker 01

  I'll give you that one just cuz I think I started a little late. Uh, so I think you had a little extra time for that.

• 36:19Speaker 03

  Oh, man, can't wait to squeeze it more than that in one minute.

• 36:22Speaker 02

  All right, the story's really gonna have to get tighter. I see, I see, I see.

• 36:26Speaker 03

  Okay, does that mean, uh, just for clarification, does that mean the body you investigated it there? So, or is there somewhere to see?

• 36:32Speaker 02

  I have not looked under it. We just learned that the body is there.

• 36:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm counting the body is a clue and then there's something else.

• 36:40Speaker 03

  Watching Bob when the lights were turned off, did it seem like he went to most of the lights?

• 36:45Speaker 01

  I, I couldn't tell you that. Yeah. But I will, okay, I'll say you've got vastly more things you haven't seen with the light on than with the light off.

• 36:57Speaker 03

  All right.

• 36:58Speaker 02

  You know what I'd say?

• 36:59Speaker 03

  I'm gonna go back to the north wall. There's only one thing left to look at there, right? I think I looked at the desk, right?

• 37:04Speaker 02

  Oh, there's a couple of things. You looked at the chair.

• 37:07Speaker 01

  You look at the chair? You couldn't look at the desk because it was dark. You tried.

• 37:10Speaker 03

  It was dark. I want, okay, I want to look at the desk now that the lights are on.

• 37:13Speaker 01

  You'll notice that there are two drawers on the side of the desk. That's, that's of the thing of note. The other thing of note, it's also the Resolute Desk. It's actually the Resolute Desk.

• 37:25Speaker 03

  I will pick the closest drawer, the one closest to the front.

• 37:29Speaker 01

  They're top or bottom. So it's like drawer one or drawer two.

• 37:33Speaker 02

  Closest to the front. What the fuck?

• 37:35Speaker 03

  Top drawer, drawer one.

• 37:37Speaker 01

  Okay, one, okay, drawer one. Okay. You open up drawer one and you see what appears to be a shrink ray. But don't laugh. Don't laugh, it's a clue. This is a very serious crime.

• 37:52Speaker 03

  Well, just the, the description of what appears to be a shrink ray has me.

• 37:56Speaker 01

  I mean, I'm not calling you an expert in what metaphysics or whatever it would be that actually applies to a shrink ray. But in, in your eyes, you're like, huh, I've watched Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. That sure looks like a shrink ray.

• 38:10Speaker 03

  As a swift action, can I try to use it on myself?

• 38:16Speaker 01

  You know, my, my game didn't account for that, but you know, I say, why not? I guess, all right, it boom, you shrink. It is in fact a shrink ray. Everything that was, I guess, previous height is now out of reach.

• 38:33Speaker 01

  I see the error in my ways. Yes, but you could see under the desk, I guess, maybe. There's nothing under there. Don't even bother looking.

• 38:41Speaker 03

  Our culprit broke into the White House with a crowbar, planted the blue crown on the Resolute Chair, but stole money to give motive, money that was in the Resolute Desk. The actual target was killed with the poison, undetectable. The body taken, buried with a shovel. This vast amounts of money were shrunk with the shrink ray in order to compact it down, in order to get it back out, then put into the freezer. My glowing hands, Bob's glowing chin, I thought a red herring. But culprit, also a pervert. Did he use the shrink ray for more? I think we're on to something. We're going to find out what's in that other drawer and to find out exactly what he shrunk, other than the money itself. Don't you see? It's the perfect crime.

• 39:24Speaker 01

  I, I, I love it, but I'm gonna give you one warning. Cause all you did was mention Bob's glowing mouth and insinuate something. Gotta tie that in, gotta tie that in harder, but I'll, I'll give it to you this time. All right, Bob.

• 39:37Speaker 02

  I have to look under the body now, right? I did all of that. I have to look under the body now, so.

• 39:43Speaker 01

  You roll the body over. You notice multiple things. He is still wearing pants. You see two things that seem to be in his front left and front right pocket. But also underneath him, you see a hole with a mound of dirt. That is clearly has been dug up. It's different than the concrete of the rest of the area. It's like a freshly dug pile or maybe freshly buried something.

• 40:13Speaker 02

  Which of those things is technically the clue I need to concern myself with in, in crafting my new story?

• 40:22Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 40:22Speaker 03

  I think you could choose one to investigate if I had to guess. You could probably investigate the hole or one of the two pockets.

• 40:27Speaker 01

  Wade could then make a stretched out dive for the other thing, I guess. If he thinks it's gonna be worth it, but yeah.

• 40:33Speaker 02

  Is the shovel within arm's reach? I'd like to take the shovel and start carefully without touching the clearly poisoned edge. Start digging up the hole, the disturbed earth thing to see what the hell's going on in there.

• 40:45Speaker 01

  You dig it around, you shove it around and you go tink. That's not right. Until you start digging out, you pull out a, a, a ledger, right? Like it's a ledger of documents that look like financial documents. And as you start flipping through, you notice that the numbers don't add up. It's all nonsense and every single one of them is signed with the initials G W B.

• 41:14Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 41:17Speaker 02

  I know what happened.

• 41:20Speaker 01

  Three, two, one.

• 41:21Speaker 02

  Our criminal used the crowbar to break into the ambassador's house and break into safe number one and steal a cube of money and break into safe number two and steal the blue crown and then break into safe number three and, and steal the ledger.

• 41:38Speaker 02

  And the ledger was swapped out because GWB, of course, is Grace Whittingham Bellworth, the name of the accountant for the, for the ambassador. Then posing as Blue Prince with his poison shovel, he goes into the, uh, the gala at the White House, bumps into Queen, Red Queen, kills Red Queen, realizes halfway in that one of, uh, the guards, where it's realized his mistake, kills that guard with the shovel as well, but beats him to death really quickly, uses the shrink ray he always keeps in his back pocket to shrink that guard down and hide him in the drawer of the Resolute Desk, sits on the Resolute Chair and makes a whole stink about it and gets his guards to carry him out in the Resolute Chair on the way out. He's like, I need the desk too. The desk matches. I get the chair and the desk. And he takes the Resolute Chair and the Resolute Desk with

• 42:18Speaker 02

  him as they leave and, ah, and he did the thing where he shoved my face into the chair. Ah, I had that last time already. All right.

• 42:26Speaker 01

  Ah, almost, almost, almost, but.

• 42:29Speaker 02

  Don't you see?

• 42:34Speaker 01

  All right. So I'm deducting a point because it was out of the time for your glowing mouth and Wade's glowing hands. I didn't catch either of those.

• 42:42Speaker 02

  He's, he's, he carried him in the chair. Does that not carry over? Okay. I was presuming it was the same story as last time, but I didn't say it that time.

• 42:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. It wasn't specifically called out, so I'm going to deduct a point for that. So you just lost two points on that one. All right. I like the sequential number of safes. It just had all the valuables in it.

• 43:03Speaker 02

  Ambassadors have lots of safes. Everybody knows this.

• 43:05Speaker 01

  All right. All right. Wade, your turn.

• 43:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm starting to write a novel here. Trying to remember all these clues. Okay. I'm going to check drawer number two.

• 43:13Speaker 01

  Wait, you can't reach it.

• 43:14Speaker 03

  I climb up the leg.

• 43:18Speaker 01

  All right. Okay. This is actually going to work out really well for you. You open drawer number two. Man, you guys are so sequential in your things. You find what appears to be a growth ray.

• 43:28Speaker 02

  Oh, wow. Look at that.

• 43:30Speaker 01

  You're lucky I didn't make one of these a gun. You're like.

• 43:34Speaker 03

  I'll test this on myself.

• 43:36Speaker 01

  You go, oh, thank goodness. After struggling to, to open the drawer, you only opened it a sliver because obviously you couldn't have opened it all the way. You climbed into the drawer. You're like, oh, thank goodness. You somehow managed to, because there's probably a charge up sequence. I'm giving you this one. You press the trigger, runs over towards the barrel. Hit me, baby. Hits you. You're inside the drawer. You blast the resolute desk into pieces as you get splinters all over your body. Uh, but you're, hey, you're, you're big again.

• 44:10Speaker 03

  Can I use a bonus to shrink the splinters so they hurt less?

• 44:15Speaker 01

  No.

• 44:16Speaker 03

  All right. Theory time. Oh, no, no, not, not, hold on, phone, not you, not you, not phone lady. Theory with a P H.

• 44:24Speaker 02

  Hey, theory.

• 44:26Speaker 03

  Three, two, one, go. Former President George W. Bush broke into the White House where he used to live with a crowbar and planted a blue crown on the resolute chair near the resolute desk, but stole a ledger that was there to cover up his crimes. The accountant that had found the ledger and was using it was then killed with an invisible poison. Body was taken and buried with a shovel. The money was shrunk with a shrink ray, put into the freezer where it was then expanded again with the growth ray, because there's just so much money. My glowing hands were a red herring, as are the initials that could point to me, G W B, when it in fact means President Bush. They were coded while I was unconscious to throw off my idiot rival, who also was a victim himself, because

• 45:08Speaker 03

  our culprit was also a pervert, hence the nasty stains and glowing white all over his chin, mouth, neck area. It may be a bit disgusting and convoluted, but don't you see, it's the perfect crime.

• 45:22Speaker 01

  Nailed it. Nailed every facet of it. That's one beautiful point for you, man.

• 45:28Speaker 03

  The growth, the growth ray at least fit in with my, he shrunk the money.

• 45:31Speaker 01

  It's good. You know, it all ties in. It all ties in. I like it. It makes a lot of sense. All right. Bob, back to you.

• 45:38Speaker 02

  I'm still over the body. I have the hole and now I have two pockets. I reach for the body's left pocket on my right.

• 45:49Speaker 02

  So like they would put their left hand in their left pocket.

• 45:52Speaker 01

  I wrote this specifically, in the left pocket, there is a fake ID, a fake employee ID, or fake credentials for a man named Wade.

• 46:06Speaker 03

  Is it an ID, like, uh, just a driver's license or like an identification for a certain place?

• 46:11Speaker 01

  Uh, it's an employee ID. So all it has is a name. It doesn't have a picture.

• 46:15Speaker 03

  Okay, but we just don't know what it's an employee for, like what business or anything?

• 46:19Speaker 01

  I didn't think that far through, man.

• 46:21Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 46:22Speaker 01

  Sorry.

• 46:22Speaker 02

  Got it.

• 46:23Speaker 01

  I apologize. Wait, hey, let me reveal something to you. I didn't write the crime, guys.

• 46:28Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 46:29Speaker 01

  I didn't write the crime.

• 46:30Speaker 02

  Do you think that was a correct answer that we were building toward?

• 46:33Speaker 01

  Yeah. Do you think that there's a, that I've got a right answer that you guys are going for? No. That's not the point of it.

• 46:41Speaker 03

  It's just a tag that says, "My name is Wade."

• 46:44Speaker 01

  Yes, that's what it is. "I work at Business."

• 46:47Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 46:49Speaker 01

  Three, two, one, go.

• 46:52Speaker 02

  Criminal used the shrink ray to break into the Ambassador's house, shrank the front door, but used the growth rate to grow it back up so it fit back in, shrank the door on the one very large safe, out of which they withdrew a ledger, signed by Grace Whittenham Bellinghouse, and replaced with a forgery, the block of money and the blue crown. They take the blue crown, they put, coat the shovel in poison, they Fred, they go as the blue prince into the gala at the White House, kill Red Queen, they realize while they're there that one of their two guards they brought with them is famous detective Wade, and realize they're gonna have to deal with that on the way out. So they're in there, they do the kill mom, they do the whole thing, they sit in the chair, and they make a whole stink, and they take the chair and the desk with them, and on the way out, uh, as they're outside finally

• 47:35Speaker 02

  alone, he looks at, the blue prince looks at his two compatriots and is like, "Who are you?" And one of them has an ID that says Wade on it, so he kills that one, and he shrink raised the body, and then they get back here, and he growth raised the body, so that it's the normal body, and then he takes my unconscious face and wipes it all over the fart chair, and then also Wade's hands are glowing because of the fart chair, and he touched it a lot, don't you see? It's the perfect crime. Oh, God, why is that so hard to do? Fucking hell.

• 47:58Speaker 03

  I don't know, man. I don't know.

• 48:00Speaker 01

  I, I can't confer. I need to confer. Did you use the crowbar in your? Cause that used to be the safe thing and you did the shrink ray on the safe door instead of the crow. I think you missed the crowbar.

• 48:13Speaker 02

  I have, if I'm gonna be honest, I was gonna have him kill not Wade with the crowbar and then use the shrink ray. But I just said he killed him and didn't say that he killed him with the crowbar. So I did intend that, but I did not say it.

• 48:28Speaker 03

  We gotta self stop self reporting, Bob.

• 48:30Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, I'm here. I'm here to play to win, but only if I can win fair and square. Okay, I'm not want a cheap win.

• 48:37Speaker 01

  I'm gonna, I'm gonna give you the point for don't you see it's the perfect crime because my timer is a little, you know, early for you guys. So, uh, but I have a deductive point for the crowbar. Back to Wade.

• 48:47Speaker 03

  I think the only other thing I haven't looked over, over here is the fireplace. The desk is done and gone. I'm gonna look at the fireplace with two reasons. One, it's not been investigated and two, to burn out the splinters inside of me because wood is flammable.

• 49:00Speaker 01

  You know what else is flammable?

• 49:02Speaker 03

  Hopefully not my glowing hands.

• 49:04Speaker 01

  No, to say the human body.

• 49:06Speaker 03

  Oh, well, I'm hairless, so I'm not too worried about that.

• 49:09Speaker 01

  Okay. All right then. In the fireplace, you see the remnants of burnt pieces of money. It's burnt all over. It's, it's like someone shoved in a giant brick of cash into this fireplace, but burned it.

• 49:28Speaker 03

  Okay, uh, this fits into my narrative. Just give me a moment to figure out how and where.

• 49:33Speaker 01

  There's so many elaborate steps to the perfect crime. It all fits together. You're the greatest detective. You can piece the puzzle.

• 49:40Speaker 03

  I got, I understand. I, I, the, the pieces, I see the numbers around me, the equations, they're all starting to blend. I think I'm ready for this.

• 49:49Speaker 01

  All right. Three, two, one.

• 49:52Speaker 03

  The perfectest crime wasn't always intended to be the perfectest crime, but it was a response. For you see, former President George W. Bush's money was taken and burned by his former accountant as a warning that he knew what Bush had done. So Bush broke into the White House with a crowbar, planted the blue crown on the chair. Dole the ledger covering up his crimes. The accountant, both for knowing and for doing what he had done, was targeted and killed with a poison. His body taken and buried with a shovel. The only thing left other than the crown was the Wade name tag to lead away from Mr. Bush with another W name. The money was shrunk, the money not burned, the money taken from the White House shrunk, put in the freezer. It was then reversed with the growth ray because there was so much of it.

• 50:36Speaker 03

  My glowing hands, red herring as are the initials that could point to me. They were coated, but I was unconscious to throw off my idiot rival, but revealed our culprit was a pervert when I saw his glowing chin. Don't you see? It's the perfect crime.

• 50:47Speaker 01

  I think you got it.

• 50:49Speaker 02

  When Wade does it, he's talking slowly and it feels like he has an hour and a half. And when I do it, I feel like I could barely get three sentences out before a minute is up. What the fuck?

• 50:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, what? Okay, so Wade, or no, sorry, Bob.

• 51:02Speaker 02

  I have to look at what's in the right pocket, I guess.

• 51:06Speaker 01

  You're not gonna like it.

• 51:08Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 51:09Speaker 01

  It's an employee ID with the name Bob.

• 51:16Speaker 02

  I don't even need time to think. I'm ready.

• 51:18Speaker 01

  All right, here we go. Three, two, one, go!

• 51:23Speaker 02

  The criminal was breaking into the ambassador's house. They used the crowbar to break the front door. They get inside to go to the one very large safe. They use the shrink ray to shrink the door on the safe. They steal the large pile of money, the ledger to make sure nobody knows how much money is missing, and the blue crown. They return to their base. They dawn their shovel coated in poison and their blue crown, opposed to the blue prints at the gala at the White House. They go to the gala at the White House and on the way in, they realize that one of their bodyguards they've hired is a notorious detective, but he can't quite figure out which one it is. On the way in, bumps into mom, poisons the red queen, red queen later dies. That's the real goal here. But then to get away, sits at the resolute chair, makes a whole stick and is like, I need this chair. And the guards carry him out and that's why Wade's hands are glowing. And then he's like, I need the desk too. And they take the desk with them. And as they get outside, when they're finally alone, he looks, he says, I know one of you is a great detective.

• 52:05Speaker 01

  Wade?

• 52:06Speaker 02

  And Wade takes one of the two IDs he has in his pockets, wants his Bob, wants his Wade, he puts it in the other guy's pocket. And the other guy's like, wait, wait, that's not mine. And then the criminal kills the other person. And that's the body, shrink the body, they bring it back. Headquarters, it's the, don't you see, it's the perfect crime.

• 52:23Speaker 03

  Holy shit.

• 52:25Speaker 01

  I got bad news, Bob. I don't think you, I don't think he burned the cash.

• 52:28Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, I forgot what I was gonna do about that. Wade did that.

• 52:34Speaker 03

  I don't, what is even left to investigate?

• 52:36Speaker 02

  There's a lot of stuff, dude, there's so many things we haven't looked at.

• 52:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, there's multiple drawers, there's multiple surfaces, uh, yeah, there's a, there's, there's the rest of the kitchen.

• 52:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's where I'm going. I might have to throw out all of these clues, everything but the kitchen sink.

• 52:53Speaker 01

  Perfect. In the kitchen sink, you notice there's something shiny in the garbage disposal. You fish your hand in there, brave as can be, and you pull out an expensive looking watch engraved with the initials. B M M.

• 53:10Speaker 03

  Got it.

• 53:11Speaker 01

  Three, two, one, go.

• 53:15Speaker 03

  Former President George W. Bush was taking care of Bob Mr. Marley's money. And it was taken and burned by his former accountant as a warning that he knew what President Bush had done. So Bush broke into the White House with a crowbar, planted the blue crown on the resolute chair next to the resolute desk, but stole a ledger to cover up his crimes. He let the pocket watch with the initials B M M on it to betray his accomplice. The accountant was targeted and killed with poison, his body taken buried with a shovel as a, for what he had done. The only left other than the crown was Wade and Bob name tags to call out us, the world's greatest detectives, to dare to try to solve this crime. The money was shrunk and put in the freezer where it was then re enlarged with the growth ray and used with the shrink ray before.

• 53:59Speaker 03

  There's just so much money. My glowing hands are a red herring. His initials could point to me. They were coated while I was unconscious, as was Bob's face covered in glowiness because the culprit is also a pervert. Don't you see, it's the perfect crime.

• 54:10Speaker 01

  Was the money burned?

• 54:12Speaker 03

  I think so, yeah. George Bush was watching Marley's money, then it was burned by the accountant.

• 54:16Speaker 01

  Oh, you're right, you're right. That's, that's so true, that's so true. I apologize, that's on me.

• 54:20Speaker 03

  I don't know if my story makes any fucking sense anymore, but goddamn, it's my story.

• 54:24Speaker 01

  Look, the crime is so convoluted, so deep, so multi-layered, that it makes sense only when you see the full picture.

• 54:34Speaker 03

  Oh, you like Bob Mr. Marley? I couldn't think of anyone with the initials B M M other than Bob.

• 54:39Speaker 01

  Oh, I can't think of one person with initials B M M. I can't imagine why I asked Bob what his middle name was. God, I put so many clues to try to pick. You against each other. Both of the messages in both of the audio messages are like, how do you, can you trust the other person? You're guys like nah.

• 54:55Speaker 03

  I don't.

• 54:57Speaker 01

  No, clearly you do. His mouth is dripping with blood is your hands are covered.

• 55:03Speaker 02

  Yes, blood. Yes, yes.

• 55:06Speaker 01

  It didn't have to be semen. It didn't have to be. It could have been blood.

• 55:11Speaker 03

  I didn't think about blood.

• 55:13Speaker 01

  All right, Bob. Last, last look.

• 55:15Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 55:16Speaker 01

  You've almost got it all. You've almost got it all.

• 55:20Speaker 02

  Am I allowed to go to the east and try and open the door?

• 55:25Speaker 01

  Ah, yes, you could try, but it doesn't open. It is in fact locked.

• 55:30Speaker 02

  Can I peer through the keyhole or is it not that kind of keyhole?

• 55:35Speaker 01

  You can look through the keyhole, but all you see is just an empty hallway.

• 55:41Speaker 02

  I mean, there's stuff we have not explored in the kitchen, I think possibly. But is there anything on the body I have yet to explore? You set up the two pockets and the hole. There was no other evidence of anything on the body.

• 55:53Speaker 01

  Uh, I didn't, unfortunately, I didn't plan and everything for that. Uh, so what you have is the, there's still drawers in the science area.

• 56:04Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 56:05Speaker 03

  I think the stove top is also not.

• 56:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, there's the cooktop and then there's the kitchen counter with like one, there's one drawer in the kitchen counter. Yeah.

• 56:15Speaker 02

  I want to go to the science and look at the drawer, like the top drawer.

• 56:19Speaker 01

  Do you open the?

• 56:22Speaker 02

  Oh, God.

• 56:23Speaker 01

  No, it's, I mean, I'm just laughing because I don't know how the fuck you're gonna do this. You find a green Sultan's cap, straight out of Agrabah, like Sultan Green. It all makes sense. It all makes sense.

• 56:41Speaker 02

  Got it.

• 56:42Speaker 03

  Three, two, one, go!

• 56:45Speaker 02

  The night before the perfect crime Wade burns the money of the criminal in an attempt to stifle him, but the criminal would not be stopped. The criminal and Wade as an accomplice use the crowbar to break into the ambassador's house. They go up to the safe and use the shrink ray to shrink the door of the safe, removing the money, the ledger, so that the money is secret, and the blue crown. They then take the blue crown and the poison shovel to sneak into the gala at the White House. A sneak up next to mom, boom, poison, mom's gonna die later, but the prince has realized that one of his two accomplices is Wade, but that's why Wade stuck a name tag with both his and his rival, best detective in the world's name, in the pocket of the other guy. The prince sits at the chair, makes a big stink, claims the chair, has his guards carry him out in the chair, and says, "Also bring the desk." So they bring the desk. When they get outside, he confronts his bodyguards and says, "One of you is a detective, elusive

• 57:29Speaker 02

  their pockets, and no matter what he finds in the box of the one guy, it says one of our names." So he kills that guy, and Wade helps him kill that guy, that's why Wade's hands are glowy. And then they shrink that body and they put it in the desk, and they bring the desk and the chair back to the hideout, and then they unshrink the thing, and, oh, something else. Oh, kid, don't you see, it's the perfect crime? I definitely forgot something there, fuck.

• 57:49Speaker 03

  Did you remember to fart your face?

• 57:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, he didn't, you didn't get your glowing mouth, the expensive watch, and I think the newest addition, the green Sultan's cap.

• 57:58Speaker 03

  I just have the clues, like, listed out with little notes of what, like...

• 58:03Speaker 02

  I did that too, but I can't, I didn't write them in the order that I'm telling the story, so the moment I have to jump around, it's like, okay, well, I've never fucking find my place back on the list of shit I have in front of me. Can I just say, we didn't do small talk, but I was in the hospital for three days immediately preceding this, can I just throw that out there with no context?

• 58:23Speaker 01

  I'll give you a hospital point.

• 58:25Speaker 02

  I was literally in the hospital Friday night through yesterday afternoon.

• 58:29Speaker 01

  Oh, I didn't know that, you okay?

• 58:31Speaker 02

  I'm fine, I just- Can't remember the stuff in the thing that we're doing.

• 58:36Speaker 03

  I was in physical therapy literally yesterday. Does that count?

• 58:39Speaker 01

  No, no other small talk will be allowed. All right. Last clue.

• 58:43Speaker 03

  I'm gonna look at the stove top.

• 58:45Speaker 01

  You're gonna look at the stove top. Okay, so in a pan, there's a lidded pan. I'm just gonna say you open, you open, right?

• 58:53Speaker 03

  I lift the lid.

• 58:54Speaker 01

  In the pan is a burnt phone. A burner phone, but it's burnt. I thought that was funny. Okay, whatever. Fuck, fuck.

• 59:04Speaker 03

  I'm trying to make sure I don't lose any more points.

• 59:07Speaker 01

  Well, Bob, you don't have to go again. So you're, you're, you're okay. So there is a burner phone that's been burned on the stove top.

• 59:15Speaker 02

  Is that not why they're called that? Cause they're not called a smash with your foot phone.

• 59:19Speaker 01

  Okay. All right. Ready Wade?

• 59:21Speaker 03

  No, let's do it.

• 59:22Speaker 01

  Three, two, one, go.

• 59:25Speaker 03

  Former President George W. Bush had Bob Marley's money. It was taken and burned by his former accountant as a warning to show that he knew what Bush had done. So Bush broke into the White House with a crowbar, planted the blue crown on the resolute chair and a green Sultan's cap on the resolute desk. Trophies of the many crimes he committed as president, but he stole a ledger to cover up his crimes. Bush also left the pocket watch with B M M on it to betray his accomplice Marley and point to him. The accountant was targeted and killed with a poison, uh, his body then taken and buried with the shovel. He then, Bush then burnt the burner phone he had used to communicate with Marley to cover up more evidence.

• 1:00:04Speaker 03

  The only other thing other than the crown, uh, was Wade and Bob name tags left to call out the world's greatest detectives today than to kind of try to come and solve this crime. A shrink ray was used to shrink the money was put in a freezer, then regrown with a growth ray. My glowing hands were a red herring to point to me. Bob's face was all gross and nasty because the culprit is a pervert. Don't you see it's the perfect crime?

• 1:00:23Speaker 01

  Wow. Every piece, everything put together. And so is George Bush the culprit?

• 1:00:30Speaker 02

  George W. Bush is the perfect criminal.

• 1:00:34Speaker 01

  George W. Bush is the perfect criminal.

• 1:00:39Speaker 03

  He's gonna think it, he's gonna do it. Is it senior or junior? I don't even know. Uh, I didn't expect you guys to narrow it down to an actual suspect, but I love it. So this, this last message might not make sense, but, uh, here we go.

• 1:00:57Speaker 04

  A world where you could actually solve. My crime was. Perfect for me to. Give you anything less. But perfection would be a disservice to your skills. I know this burns in your heart. I know you regret the mistakes you've made. And I know you strive for perfection to be me. Just as I once did. But I warn you, the road to perfection is long and arduous. If you were to ever attain perfection, you would become just like me.

• 1:01:37Speaker 02

  I fucking love the image of George W. Bush sitting on a laptop at his ranch in Texas, just like.

• 1:01:48Speaker 02

  This is gonna make him so confused.

• 1:01:50Speaker 01

  All right. Well done. Well done, guys. Well done. You have not quite solved the perfect crime, but Wade, you got really close. I'm gonna, he's gone.

• 1:01:59Speaker 02

  Well, what the shit happened? He got so mad, he disappeared from existence.

• 1:02:04Speaker 03

  Guys, I did the thing by microphone.

• 1:02:06Speaker 01

  Oh, no. All right. Well, the Wiz almost, oh, the episode's almost over. All right. Uh, I guess, uh, that that'll wrap it up. I'll say before we go to the wheels or anything. Um, well done. Uh, that was very experimental. I tried to plan a lot, but a few things obviously didn't quite work out, but I think at the end, the objective that I wanted was there, which is you guys kind of going crazy with clues. I realized that I wasn't smart enough to come up with actually like a super well-written, contrived, perfect crime. So I was like, ah, what if they're both going nuts trying to come up with what the pro crime must have been?

• 1:02:46Speaker 01

  I I think what I should do in the future is, because it's kind of like all all these things are are just things that are kind of random and could point to anything. So why don't I just actually make it random? I'll have locations. I imagine it's like cards or like clues in the locations, like a different version of clue. And then people are piecing it together and then people can play it. It's like they have to make their clues make sense or everyone's clues make sense. But anyway, so it needs tweaking, though. But I, this, this acts as a copyright for the perfect crime. No one can take this idea from me. I'm on this. I'll see you.

• 1:03:16Speaker 03

  It was a really fun time. I know I sound like shit, but it was a good time. However, the stress of trying to remember and get all of that shit out in under a minute, fucking.

• 1:03:26Speaker 01

  I gotta figure out an easier way for you guys to like, get the, get the items and all the different things, but I.

• 1:03:32Speaker 02

  I mean, honestly, it does need to be like cards. That would really help if it was like, I could have a hand of cards and I could put them in an order. So that I could be like, this one, and then this one, and then the, cause that was, I was not able to remember that many things.

• 1:03:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. No, that would, that would be huge. Yeah.

• 1:03:50Speaker 03

  I have two and a half pages of notes.

• 1:03:52Speaker 02

  I do too. It didn't help.

• 1:03:54Speaker 03

  Well, I had all the clues like kind of together with a little snippet of like what I wanted to put, but.

• 1:03:59Speaker 02

  I have a bunch of bullshit scribbles and what it goes on and on. It's a bunch of nonsense.

• 1:04:05Speaker 01

  Uh, but well done, guys. Um, yeah, that was, that was super fun. So, uh, any, any bounties, I guess?

• 1:04:11Speaker 02

  Is being in the hospital a bounty? That's not a thing, is it?

• 1:04:13Speaker 03

  You know what's really sad is I had one I was gonna do, but I didn't actually accomplish it during the episode.

• 1:04:18Speaker 02

  There's a wheel spin thing that's like most recently hospitalized, I think is what I'm thinking of. That's not a bounty.

• 1:04:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, I don't know if we want to strive to be the most recent one in the hospital.

• 1:04:27Speaker 02

  Look, if I'm, I want to get paid in, in distracted points if I'm gonna have to do it either way.

• 1:04:32Speaker 01

  Well, all right. If there's no bounties and we're gonna go right to the, the score. Um, so each of you, basically, I gave you the point for doing the, don't you see it's a perfect crime? At the end. Uh, so you both got seven points from that. You both got a suck ass point. Uh, Wade, you got a point for write that down? Which I thought was funny because you wrote down, uh, but then both of you were writing down, uh, blueprints. I give you a point for that. When I was first adding points for things like that and there was too much to keep track of. I couldn't add points in the middle of everything.

• 1:05:02Speaker 03

  That was a, an odd to blueprints, right? Like had to be.

• 1:05:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. It was, uh, it was kind of like the implication.

• 1:05:06Speaker 02

  I made me happy.

• 1:05:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. So, uh, and then minus one for, um, you missed poison. So that puts you in nine. Uh, Bob, you had the eight. Mama schmunk made me laugh real hard. Then unfortunately you started losing a lot of points. You, uh, you got a hospital point, but you lost a total of seven points.

• 1:05:26Speaker 02

  That sounds right.

• 1:05:27Speaker 01

  For forgotten and items throughout. So you, you netted two points, uh, in this game going into the final round.

• 1:05:35Speaker 02

  So really it's anybody's game.

• 1:05:36Speaker 01

  Anybody's game. It is always anybody's game.

• 1:05:39Speaker 03

  Be really sad for me and really funny for the content if golf rules cropped up now.

• 1:05:45Speaker 02

  All right, how many spins will we have?

• 1:05:48Speaker 03

  Just one.

• 1:05:49Speaker 02

  It wants us to do three.

• 1:05:51Speaker 01

  All right, three it is. Okay, let's add in, um, uh, kissed the judge's ass the most.

• 1:05:59Speaker 03

  Literally or figuratively?

• 1:06:01Speaker 02

  I feel like if you did that literally, you get the, you win that one.

• 1:06:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, that's true.

• 1:06:06Speaker 02

  But I don't think that's likely to happen.

• 1:06:08Speaker 01

  It's figurative until literal.

• 1:06:09Speaker 02

  Spin number one of three, shall we?

• 1:06:17Speaker 02

  Shortest.

• 1:06:19Speaker 01

  Wade, congratulations, you get that point.

• 1:06:21Speaker 05

  All right.

• 1:06:22Speaker 02

  It's just winding it up for golf rules on the third spin. Spin two of three, come on, baby. Give Wade some more points.

• 1:06:33Speaker 02

  Doing best on New Year's resolutions.

• 1:06:36Speaker 01

  How you guys doing on those? Yeah, Wade, how you guys doing?

• 1:06:39Speaker 03

  Not great for me because I have had the knee injury, so I've not been walking.

• 1:06:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, I was hospitalized for a foot injury, so the walking thing has been real hit and miss. But I have, I have walked 105 miles so far this year.

• 1:06:53Speaker 03

  I think that beats mine. I'm probably at like 20 something.

• 1:06:56Speaker 02

  And that's only ones where I've officially tracked it as a workout, so.

• 1:07:00Speaker 01

  That goes to Bob.

• 1:07:01Speaker 02

  Spin number three, this is where golf rules hits.

• 1:07:05Speaker 03

  More viewers, just give a point to viewers, you know?

• 1:07:08Speaker 01

  Oh, ah, TMI point. I don't think anyone's really done anything TMI this episode, so.

• 1:07:15Speaker 03

  Let's re-spin that one. Oh, I need to pee and my balls itch. Is that TMI?

• 1:07:20Speaker 02

  That's a pretty normal amount of I for this setting here.

• 1:07:25Speaker 01

  Best mental image. Okay, so we have-

• 1:07:27Speaker 03

  I have to pee in my balls.

• 1:07:29Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no, it was, I'll rank this by the, the other one. I will say, Wade, you had a very concise storytelling. Bob had the gala, had like the, the, the shrinking and growing of the doors. And there was, there was a lot more, I think, going on.

• 1:07:46Speaker 03

  Bob is a better storyteller than me. I would say he probably created the best imagery.

• 1:07:51Speaker 01

  So with that, we have a final score of 10 to 4. Congratulations, Wade. You are the winner of the perfectest crime. What do you have to say?

• 1:08:05Speaker 03

  I don't know what to say. Looking back, I don't know when I recorded the Going Nuclear episode, but since the middle of May, this is only the second time I've won. I've had a hell of a bad streak, but you know what? I'm bald, back on top, and I'm gonna host the next episode. These things are facts.

• 1:08:23Speaker 01

  Couldn't have said it better myself. Uh, Bob?

• 1:08:26Speaker 02

  I think the actual perfectest crime that took place here was that Wade won this, and I still think there was something crazy happening with time and time dilation and some bullshit, because I swear to God, I could not have talked faster, and Wade told his story like he was falling asleep the whole time. And I don't understand how you did that. It doesn't make sense metaphysically to me how you did that. It seems like there was something crazy happening, and I, I am not gonna say the word, it triggers the thing, but it just seems crazy.

• 1:09:02Speaker 01

  I will admit, there was a point in Wade's stories where I only had like four boxes checked, and he was halfway through his time, and I'm just like, there's no way he'll get this. And then it was just like-

• 1:09:12Speaker 02

  And then he just said like one sentence where every word was a clue, and then it was like, oh, okay.

• 1:09:17Speaker 03

  I buried the burned body while the money shrunk, Ray Grore, freezer.

• 1:09:22Speaker 02

  Here are some things I saw while committing the crime. Drink, Ray, growth, Ray, desk, chair, body.

• 1:09:28Speaker 01

  Oh, but anyway, that was very fun. I'm glad that worked, uh, uh, at least somewhat. There's some problems with that if I ever do this again for the perfect to stir crime. Um, and then obviously the perfect destor-est crime. Um, I will improve upon the formula, uh, or do something completely different. Who knows? Maybe I'll, maybe I'll abandon this completely.

• 1:09:48Speaker 03

  It was very tabletop. Even when you play a tabletop game with very strict rules, there's still times we have rules interpretations. That's all we had. It was well done. You did a good job.

• 1:09:55Speaker 01

  But I hope you all enjoyed it. I certainly did. Uh, it got, I think it could get even crazier towards the end there if I, if I tweak some things here.

• 1:10:03Speaker 03

  I don't want it to, man. I gotta take Excedrin after this.

• 1:10:07Speaker 01

  But thank you all so much for listening and watching. Follow the podcast to stay up to date on all of our episodes, and, uh, be sure to check out these guys on their various platforms, wherever they may be. LordMinion777, minion777, or my screen for Bob over there. Me, Mark, this has been Distractible. Podcast out.