Distractible
What happened to Mark at the Oscars, and what's that under Bob's shoe? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractible. This illustrated episode: Wriggling Wade, greatest host of the generation, reinvents the wheels of commerce. Baldurash Bob has his house communally pebbled dashed, requests short stories, and treads in shit. Masturbating Mark evades the red rug, draws snipers, tartypoes, dicks, and Zordon, then gets dusty with eight hot rings. From Badger Beards to Range Masters.
It's time for Buy My Thing. Now, sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.
Hey, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Distractible. I am today's host because I'm bald, and bald people have rights too, I found out. Joined, as always, by my co-hosts who simulate to disagree with that, Mark and Bob.
Hey, what's up?
How's it going, my haired fellows?
Feeling airy.
Aw, hair-tastic.
Hair incredible.
Terrific.
Terrific? I got my head shaved again, and I'm at the point now where there's so little color left when I get my head and beard shaved that it's like, "Clink, please stay, stay, little fella, don't go."
Just gotta cut the gray so that it'll slowly erode from a goatee down to a mustache.
I'm just gonna have this tiny little bit of beard. It looks so bad.
It's just an outline of your lips.
I've always thought this was the best facial hair.
Call it my extra smoochers.
Wouldn't be a good look. I have a little bit of like, a really terrible handlebar. Anyway, if you've never seen the show before, then I don't know why you tuned into this specific episode, but this is the one you found. I'm not gonna explain the rules today because I'm tired. I don't feel like it. We're gonna jump into small talk.
I have a whole bunch. Something happened this weekend, and it's so crazy because we're doing one a week. So it's actually like, this weekend was nuts.
Actually, stuff happened?
Yeah, that's fair.
I guess actually when it comes out, it'll be last weekend, so, uh...
So Bob, do you want to go first before I hand over the?
Yeah, Bob, do you want to?
I feel like I have the opposite of what Mark is about to talk about. We set a record for the household in the last week.
I didn't know household records existed.
How many days have you ever gone with, uh, how do I phrase this? Where you had a dog or a baby throw up or poop inside the house? Our record is 10 in a row.
Wow.
I've got a cat. You didn't mention cats. So our record is specifically cat.
Cats can count. Cats can count.
Yeah, Keter's stopped using his potty pads again, so we've had, I don't know how many days in a row, but.
A lot?
It's been a minefield coming to my office. It's been, am I, anywhere there's carpet? You never know anymore. Your feet will tell you for either one or two.
Lovely. That sort of undercuts the dramatic storytelling I was building up there, but no.
Please go ahead. It's not a fun tale for me.
Our house has been sick and Lexi is, I don't know, an idiot. And, uh, she, we can't leave Lexi in her cage anymore. I mean, she's not an idiot. She's old is the problem. And she gets too anxious, so we can't leave her in her cage anymore, or she poops. And then she eats the poops and then she throws up poops, which is somehow worse than either individually.
Wait, uh, yeah, it's not, that's not pleasant. That's, yeah.
And then when she does that, she then proceeds to throw up for like the next 24 to 48 hours because it was gross. And which I have to give her credit for. I think that's the right call. I think I would throw up too.
Very gross. Very gross.
There's an exciting thing that I'm gonna talk about that is exciting for me and other people. And I'm only shilling a little bit here. Did you know the Real Good AI? The nonprofit that was founded by Mark and, and run by my wife is having a writing competition? I don't know if anyone who watches this or listens to this is a writer or fancies himself a writer. You should look into it though. Realgoodai.org slash the scary tapes.
Oh. Because it's a AI horror writing competition and the winners of the competition are in some fashion going to be made into podcast episodes where they're going to be read and slash performed in a way, possibly by us or other voice actors or that part's not set yet, but the winners win a cash prize and also it'll be like an October podcast series. It'll be fun. It'll be scary.
Scary stuff. That sounds great. That sounds awesome.
So if you want to write a story, I think it's like, oh, seven to 10,000 words or something like that. It's like kind of short story form, but not too short. Check it out. Look at the website, realgoodai.org/thescury tapes. I'm excited. I want to start reading them. I realized this takes time and this thing just started. So no one's submitted any stories yet, but like, and I don't think I get to pick. I'm not like a judge or anything, but I just want to read them. See what people have.
That's exciting.
How many royalties do I get?
Um.
As the creator of the original, the scary tape, I feel I'm owed a fat 85%.
How much of the charity funds does Mark get to skim off the top? Come on.
Well, you fund the whole organization that's running it and you're a co equal member of the show and I mean, pretty much all of them.
Yeah.
Really realistically.
So I could legally.
Ooh. Wow.
Sweet. Good.
I'll talk. All my people will email your people, by which I mean I'll email the lawyers and they'll tell me what's going to happen.
Mark's gonna go to jail. It's gonna happen.
Mark got a cease and desist and jail time. Yay.
But yeah, aside from all the puke and the dog pooping and the dog pooping puking, um, I'm really excited about that. I'm focusing on the writing competition. Submit stories. Please distract me. The rest of life is a hellish puke filled nightmare right now. So, Mark, your sound is like way more fun. I'm ready to hear this. I want to hear.
It was fun. I will not deny. Even more fun when I saw headlines being written, especially by hometown Cincinnati Inquirer, written by.
Baby, BB.
Beb.
Hodges?
Yeah, yeah, Beb.
B E B E Hodges. I am so sorry.
I love when Babe writes us some notes.
Hey Babe.
Babe, Babe, markiplier's at the Oscars.
This headline, headline is so funny. Milford grad gets lost at the Oscars. Quote, "The whole carpet's red."
Ah, man, you know, I hope I had, oh, so funny.
Yep, it just really makes me seem like a bumbling fool at the Oscars. So to defend myself, I'm actually doing a first for the small talk portion. I am going to be, the listeners are gonna get mad the earliest they've ever been in an episode because I'm drawing things on the screen because I need to, to properly illustrate how this all went down.
Are we getting a map of the Oscars?
Yep, you're getting a map of the Oscar. Behold.
Paint. Alright, so it's nothing right now, but hold on, let me.
I'm ready.
Editor's gonna love this one because I'm gonna make them look at stuff later, too.
Yeah, it's just all good. Okay, so first off, you have Hollywood Boulevard, right? So you got, you know, it's, it's Holly, I don't know why I'm writing this out, Hollywood.
Hollywood.
I don't see enough sex shops to believe you.
Okay, here we go. XXXX Hollywood style, you know what I mean?
They got the extra X. God dang.
Wow, the quadruple X.
And then across the street, you know, they only got three and a half X's and they're real mad about it.
Hmm, the triple X slash.
So, and then there's this one guy that actually, this guy actually exists and he was real mad. He was all like, "You, you bastards, middle finger, get out." And let's say he had a dick.
That was his face. Is that his body?
He has a dick in his hands.
Okay.
It's top down. That's the top of his head.
Yeah, it's top down.
Oh, he's a bald.
He's really got a Charlie. He's got Charlie Brown hair thing going on there.
There you go.
He was, he was real mad. That is not a Hitler mustache.
Now, this is, this is just a real Google image search of Hollywood Boulevard right here.
Okay, anyway, so I'm gonna take that back. So we're in cars, right? So we're, we're, we're in our fancy Uber Black or, you know, whatever the Lyft equivalent is. We're not sponsored by anyone anymore because we're so alone. So we're driving here and there's multiple checkpoints here, right? Well, actually, let me get this different color. So, so what's crazy about it was like heightened security. I don't know if this is how this is always like this, but there's like cops. Drive forward a full block sniper, right? There's a fucking guy holding a sniper rifle who's fighting every urge in his body to do this.
Flying prone on the road, yeah.
No, he's on a, he's on a vehicle. This is, this is another, this is another.
It's the roof of a van. It's clearly a van.
Yeah, see, it's got the mirrors and it's got the trunk, the tail. Anyway, so we're driving along, we go in stages, right? So there's a full block, right? This is a full B L O C K block.
Yeah, I'm with you.
There's swirvy barriers, literally puzzle style like this. Each time you go to checkpoint here, you had to open the trunk. This is the trunk, you know, and then you had to pop the hood. You know, that's the hood there and the engine, right?
To pop the hood? God.
Yeah, and then turn off the car and they had a dog walk around. You had a little, little boofy dog, you know, sniffing.
Does that dog have udders?
No, it's on the prowl. That's, that's what it is. It's on the prowl.
It's actually a tardigrade poodle mix. It's called a poodle grade.
How's the car tail?
It would a hundred percent be called a tardapoo, wouldn't it? I messed that up real bad.
Depends on the mix. If it's the father and the mother, you know.
Yeah, no, that's right. It depends on the genealogy. Has it that?
Tardoodle?
Tardoodle.
Anyway, so we finally get here. Um, and so I'm gonna, how do I do layers? I'm okay. I'll hide in that layer, right?
Okay. So we make it to the Oscars through all the security, right? So the Oscars is set up in a way where there's a street intersection here. And you don't know that because it's all hidden by drapery now and fake hedges. So you got, man, listeners are seething.
I can't wait for BB to write another article. It's like Mark doesn't know how many legs a dog has.
Listeners are crashing their cars on purpose just so they could start watching.
Mark thinks cars have tails. Here's his artwork proving it.
So we have three lanes. We get out, we, we go here. There's lines that start up basically from here and funnel you in this way. It's like a narrow path that opens up like this, right? So we're walking, uh, me and Amy, we're walking in and we're walking in and we're walking in. And then there's a, a series of gates here, right? So it's gates to check your badges to, uh, make sure.
No red carpet yet.
No, it's red. This is all red.
All red. Okay. The red starts already. Got it.
Yep, it's red. So it's all red carpet, right?
Everything's red. Like you're filming Iron Lung all over again.
Exactly. Hundred percent. You're with it. You got it, man. You're the greatest host of our generation.
That's the name of the person who wrote that article. She's not here.
No, she's not here. She's not here. Yeah.
Anyway, funnel back down, like squeeze, you know? Uh, so we squeeze in here and then the actual red carpet is right over here. Actual.
I'm having a stroke. That says actual.
It does. Sure. Yeah.
Actual. Pic to.
Actual business.
It was written in this weird font. I couldn't read it. This is where the problems started, right? I was like, oh, man. So our journey is now funneling down into here. And there were some nice people working that recognized me and said, hi. That was lovely getting here. So we break up into three lanes going into the official red carpet. Dun, dun, dun, dun. This is how it's all laid out. Photo.
Oh, Tom.
Poto people, you know, the poto people.
Poto people.
Yeah, yeah. Poto people. Sure, sure.
So the way it works out is like, we couldn't see this, right? There's a S bend and it kind of opens up, probably actually, I didn't even see it, but I think it goes like that, right? So this is red carpet. So this is it. This is the main thing. This is where the people be walking, you know? This is where the people.
Are they all erect?
No, no, this is foots.
Oh.
That guy is a huge dick. Look at those dicks.
The big dick energy in Hollywood.
I see, she got the.
Sorry, I just saw the top down view, so I thought it was the head and then just.
Oh, you didn't say Bigfoot was there. Shit.
He was, he was. It was crazy.
You know, who edits my videos? Which is at a Bigfoot museum. I didn't know.
I think actually it must have gone like this because I didn't see that happening. So I think it actually was like this because I didn't see any of this. There were three lanes of people here and there's a door right here, right? So we're about here, we get in and then boom.
Hello.
They're not this big. This is not to scale. Huge head.
This is like a Wizard of Oz head situation?
Did they have Mr. Potato Head greeted you?
Tiny eyes. That's scary. Buck tooth. No, they're very nice. So this, this lovely person said, Mark, oh, and Amy, oh, it's so good to see you. We've been told to take really good care of you, right? I'm gonna pass you off to my associate who is literally right here. Hello.
They knew, they knew they'd be here eventually on this.
They have their own tablet and they also are like, oh, hi, Mark. We've been told to take really good care of you. So we've gone like, this is, this is like 10 steps, right? She goes, now, well, if you come with me, there's a side path that we're gonna take you through, right? And I said, oh, well, you know, I don't usually like cutting lines. I I'm good to wait. You know, like, no, no, no. We've been told to take really, really good care of you.
Keep this guy off the red carpet. Got it?
I don't know if that's true, but it didn't turn out that way.
Let this guy nowhere near the red. Bigfoot's over there. Mark can't be over there.
So this door has no signs on it, no label. I don't even think it had a handle, right? There it's just.
It just became a door and opened when you thought about it correctly?
I don't recall her opening it. I don't recall. So it opens, right?
It's a very floppy door. So hold on here.
It is a very floppy, a floppy handleless door.
Yeah, well, that would make sense. It didn't have a handle. Yeah.
It might have opened the other way, but I'm not gonna redraw it.
I don't know if that detail makes the story or breaks it.
I don't know either, but we're here.
So we go through here.
And wouldn't you know it, it's also red carpet here. And I'm like thinking, hey, this is all good. You know, why not? Yeah, they wanna get me to the front. All you YouTube's doing the treat me treatment, you know, I'm really, anyway, there's another person. Another person that's very happy to see me.
It's the first person just in a mustache.
Hello?
And then they're like.
This way.
They're pointing.
Oh, my God, I would not follow that finger. Jesus Christ.
They must have been real happy to see you with a pointer like that.
So it's this way. So at this point, we're just like, and she's telling us like, hey, don't worry. There's like a photo. You'll go to the stairs. You can take photos there and up at the top, there's a photographer with next to Oscar statues, which we did get that picture and it looks very good. Um, go this way, right here to this other person who's right here, still happy to see me, you know?
Go that way.
Oh, no. Oh, the pointer finger length was a dead giveaway, Mark.
This guy, this guy was muscular, by the way. I don't know why that stands out to me, but he's got muscles, right?
I just appreciate that they're all bald.
I think that it looks like an okay symbol, right? It's okay. Go this way, right? There was another box here where there were people here, um, and they were taking pictures and observing. And I thought it was like a secondary poto people.
Mini poto people.
This is how we missed walking the red carpet legitimately. Hi, hi, hi, this way. And we just by the whole thing. And, and it literally all of this joins back up right around the corner, like right here. It funnels all back down. Uh, there's a slight turn here and then it goes up the stairs to lead to the theater where you go in there to the Oscars. So we were escorted that way.
So is this one of those things where they like, had like traditional superstar celebs walk outside? And because like, are people that were nominated outside or?
Thought that, but no, all of the, all the celebrities, they just go.
I guess through this door.
All those fucking losers just go on the normal red carpet.
Yeah. So, yeah, all of the, the celebrities, all the nominees, they went the, this way. And we went. There weren't many people walking.
I'm gonna say who all went this way. It's like exclusively Mark. They're like, mm.
So I'm not saying anything. Uh, there's no conspiracies here, but this is just.
These people that were taking good care of me, were they like, oh boy, hey, Mark, we're gonna take you real special way about. Be our movie, will you?
Uh, you know what? It might be, it might be, I can't say one or another, but this is the, this is the truth. And so what, what the funny thing is, and I'll try to draw, this is Fede who works, he's like the head of, uh, movies at YouTube, who helped get me the, the invite. I'm gonna try to draw his face when I told him I had somehow.
So excited.
I had somehow missed, uh, the, the entirety of.
Of the, the, let's see, let's try preemptively get these under there.
Oh, he looks like me right now. What a happy, lively guy.
I didn't know he was a South Park character. That's crazy.
Just after I told him that, uh, just.
He looks like the dude that eventually was in charge of the Power Rangers.
Zorg or whatever his name was. Yeah, okay. And I can't be sure, but I'm pretty sure I might've seen a little bit of a tear form.
Kind of looks like if he opened his mouth, he'd be like, ah, geez, Rick.
I bet he can't wait to invite you again after this depicts.
And, and I remember him saying something along the lines of, let me type it out. I don't know why, but. Oh, that's the size is good. It would have been good if the press knew you were here, I guess.
Oh, it's so small.
Oh, wait, no, it was, fuck, it's so small. Oh, it would have been good if the press knew you were here, I guess. And so I just.
Zordon.
My heart crushed Zordon? That's his name? Oh, I wouldn't, of course I can't edit that.
That is how that looks now. Fucking tidiest words.
Oh, he'd be good at the press knew you were here. Here spelled EJ.
Shut, I can't, he, he, English isn't his first language, right?
He's, he's from.
Apparently it's not mine either. There we go. Okay. Is that better? Is that better for you? All right. I'm done.
Yeah. Just want to get this right for the Citi Inquirer.
That is the story of how I missed the red carpet.
So it wasn't your fault. The M and M's set you the wrong way.
I mean, yeah, very much. I.
Damn blue Disney M and M's.
It really was a thing where I even said like, look, I'm good to wait. And then they looked at me like, and then I went, I guess I've never been here before, so you would know best. So I'll, I'll follow your lead. I'll right through the door. Let's get through the door. They weren't malicious at all. They were very nice. And they have those iPads because they have to memorize the faces and names of everyone that shows up there. And there must've been a big note by mine. Warning, this guy's from YouTube. Take really good care of him.
You showed up inside the building and some guy in a walkie talkie was like, why the fuck is he still? Alive. What did you assholes do out there? You just happened to survive.
The sniper was just laying out, sun tanning.
And with the old Leslie Nielsen like, oh, my shoe's untied.
Goes right over.
Next year, I'll get him next year.
I should just end the episode. I don't think any game I can do can compete with what we just witnessed.
Oh, hey, we're only doing one episode a week. We might as well make it short and worse than they were before.
Excellent. All right. Well, I hope you all enjoyed Mark's Oscar episode.
The Oscars themselves are very nice. I ate a lot of food there, but the rest of it was fine.
I don't even know how this works. Are they all celebrities? Cause it's in the Dolby, right? Which is a big theater, but it's not like it's 10,000 people or something. It's not.
No, no, I think it's like max capacity is actually, well, I don't even know what is a capacity.
It didn't Dolby like a couple thousand at most, like it's like a 15, 1800 seater, isn't it?
Thirty four hundred. So yeah, we, we're in the mezzanine, the first level above the ground floor. All the celebrities are up in the front, like bottom, the good seats, uh, but we had good seats too. The majority of the people there are industry people, like producers, directors, the people that work in the post and the production side of it. The crews of those that were nominated, they just put the celebrities up in front. So I was up there. I was actually sat next to Fede and his wife. I hope I'm pronouncing his name correctly because every, ever since I, I learned his name, I've kind of just whenever I've seen, oh, Fede, how are you?
Hey champ.
Hey.
I have totally misheard someone's name before and then just tried to mumble it to get away with it. I've been there where you're like, Christine, Christine, hey Chrissy, how are you?
Crayola, good to see you.
Oh God, I hope, I hope you guys never run into Babe from the Cincinnati A Choir.
Probably BB.
Listen babe.
I, well, I mean, you know, I don't think we were mentioned at all. So Bob and I are probably safe.
That was the way you look and the way you just, I was like Keanu Reeves was in the room with me again.
I don't know what I have that's giving very Keanu today. I don't even have my long hair anymore.
Something with the shirt, man. I don't know. That feels very, very Mr. Reeves.
It's an iron lung t-shirt.
Uh huh.
Well, less so whenever I see the bottom. I guess it was just a really high neck top, maybe. I don't know.
That's a cool shirt.
Thanks. No one else can ever get it.
Can we have one?
No.
It never got made. This is a prototype of an old design that didn't make the cut.
So you're wearing garbage?
Yes, I'm wearing literal garbage.
It's pretty cool. That sounds trendy. Speaking of trendy, no one gets a segue point because none of this is like anything that I'm doing, but I do have a game. Uh, so what we're gonna do is we're gonna do a game and I just call it buy my thing. We can change the name later, of course. But right now it's the, that's the prototype. I don't know if it'll be distributed. You guys might not be able to wear it, but as of right now, that's the prototype I'm working on. One of you is gonna get a prompt and it's gonna be a thing that you're trying to sell to me. You want me to buy your thing. The next person will spin the wheel and they're gonna try to get me to buy their thing instead and they get to respond to the first person's sales pitch, you know, whatever rebut it. And then whoever the first person was will get one more chance to rebut that rebuttal and then I'll make a choice as to whose thing I'm buying and that's that round.
I know we're just getting into the game, but the last one we did was my dice breakers game where the premise was equally convoluted. And I feel like while I was explaining it, Mark was kind of just like.
No, no, I, I got it. Bob, this guy can't even follow a red carpet, man.
It's like, okay, it's like Wheel of Fortune plus Jeopardy in the middle of it.
Here's, I'll explain to you what I got from that and you tell me how close I was.
I'm sure you're dead on.
You're gonna spin a wheel.
Right? And in there are things and we need to sell that thing. To the opponent?
Wait.
You, you wave and then it's gonna spin again and the other guy's gonna rebut to the thing that I s-
They want me to buy their thing instead.
Oh. I see, I see, okay.
So if I spin it, let's say it lands on broom, Mark's trying to sell me a broom and then Bob spends and gets pizza. He wants me to buy a pizza instead of the broom. I can only buy one thing.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, that's an easy one.
But then Mark gets one more chance after Bob gets me to try to buy the pizza, but no, no, no, listen, you still want the broom. And then I'll decide, we'll go again.
Hmm, no, goodness.
I don't know how good this particular wheel is if I can like remove things after they land on it. I also don't even know how to spin the wheel, so we're gonna, we're gonna figure this out together.
Sounds really well planned.
No, whoa, whoa, hey, whoa.
As per usual from me, it's about as well planned as it ever is.
It's, I think it's great. I think it's gonna be great.
Thanks, man.
I think it sounds really fun.
Dude, I don't like the way you flipped.
I was just saying, I think it sounds great. I'm gonna have a great time. This is gonna be super fun.
I think it's really fun. I don't know if I like that tone at all.
The tone doesn't mean anything. Listen to the words. All that matters is the words I'm saying.
I like the words. If the listeners have anything to go by, it doesn't matter what our faces say, it doesn't matter what our lips say, it's only the words. I guess tone does come into play for their ears.
No, no, listeners can't hear tone. You see tone.
You're, you see tone. I have synetonia.
Bob, your heads, mark your tails, whoever wins goes first.
Heads, Bob, you get to go first on the first prompt.
All right.
Do you guys want me to spin twice in a row so you both know what you're doing or do you want me to just spin first pitch and spinning?
Nah, keep going. We got it.
That feels like an advantage for the second person. I think you spin and then we have to just jump into it.
All right, done. All right, first, hey, that actually spun it, cool.
I was looking at some of these things on the wheel. What is that?
Bob, you want me to buy some shoes?
Is there a time for this or do I just go?
I didn't plan that far ahead, so obviously just go.
Just because we're already here, I just wanna paint the picture for you.
All right, I'm with you.
You live in a house.
I think so.
Houses have floors. You've been talking about this.
Last time I checked.
You have feet.
Two of them.
Which we're gonna make pink for some reason. Great. This is your foot. That's your foot. That's your pink fleshy foot.
Perfect.
And you know what? Walking around your own house in your own pink feet is delightful. Unless you have a cat that leaves little presents for you on the carpet. I don't know how big Keters' shits are, but we're gonna say this is one specially coagulated shit. And you didn't even step on it. You stepped into it. Your whole toes are now embedded in shit. Don't you wish you had some magical product to protect you from toes wiggling in that fresh steamy cat shit?
Yeah, I really do.
Don't you just wish someone had something that could defend you from this scenario happening over and over and over again? Because Keters, as I know, because my dog is very old, Keters is just gonna shit wherever he wants.
Yep.
And he wants to do it a lot. And he wants to do it everywhere. Well, that's why I'm here to tell you about shoes. I have exactly what you need. It does not matter what you step on, asterisk, as long as you're wearing shoes. It cannot harm you. It cannot make your toes have shit between them. It cannot make you wonder if you have shit underneath your toenails for the rest of your life. You'll be safe forever from the shit. Wherever Keters needs to go, he's good. He's covered. You wanna take care of your pets. Do you love Keters?
Oh, yeah.
Then buy some shoes. You don't have to answer, because I know you do. It means you need shoes. It means you're gonna buy shoes. It means you're gonna buy my shoes, because I'm selling them right here, right now, and you need them. That's it. That's my pitch. By the way, if you don't buy shoes, you hate Keters.
That's a hell of a pitch. What a hell of a pitch.
Too bad he doesn't make the rules, man.
I'm ready. All right, Mark, you get to rebut. You're trying to sell me.
Instead of shoes, I need to get.
Beans.
By the way, some of these prompts may not be equal to the other.
Me and the boys at 3 a.m. looking for some beans.
Hey, don't sell it for me.
Oh, yeah, sorry. Wait, I'm doing your job.
Yeah, yeah. All right. Well, anyway, since we're here, you know, I might as well.
I want you to look at this man.
This hungry, hungry man, yearning for success, yearning for his prodigal son, his favorite YouTuber to ever amount to anything, amount to a whole hill of beans, right? That's, that has nothing to do with the rest of what I'm selling, but that's pretty good, right? I made that up.
Fantastic.
Yeah. Anyway, this man starving. Imagine this again, the thing with the dust, what the fuck is it called?
Vacuum?
No, with the, the tie and the depression, the.
The dust bowl? The Great Depression? The dust bowl?
The thing with the dust?
Oh, the vacuum or the dust bowl?
The, the dust, right? They survived the many depression era. Buy my beans, man. They, then, then they eat them now. Don't be like this guy. Buy my beans.
I don't want to deal with the dust. I want the beans. I want the beans. I don't want to be like that guy. Would you like to rep?
Just one second, just doing a little preparation here.
Oh, is he still selling shoes? Oh, no.
I wish. I can't reiterate enough, if you want catch it between your toes, then buy beans, I guess. But Mark did make one good point. The Great Depression was bad. The people in the dust bowl were sad, except the one guy who had shoes.
See how, wow, it does not look like he has pupils right now. He does have pupils. That is not, that's not what it looks like. Anyway, he's, see how happy and cool he is with his eyeballs? Cause he's the one with shoes. That could be you. Also, these people's feet are all covered in cat shit.
Man, I hate to slam dunk Bob like this, but.
Oh, are we having to rebut to the rebut?
Man, I have the screen.
Three rounds has a fourth. How could I say no?
I would like to present my rebuttal.
He got so big.
Have you heard of the expression, as above, so below?
I have now, if I hadn't before.
Okay, so hold on.
This man may not have much.
I don't like, what he does with the mouse as you say that?
Um, there we go. It's fine. We've averted disaster. Now, would you ever take advice from someone? Fuck. Okay, open your mind for this. This is, okay, all right.
You must remain symmetrical at the top of your body to the bottom, right?
If you buy his shoes, your whole balance will be thrown off. Notice, nothing up there. Look how bad this is gonna look. If you, if you listen to his advice.
No. How bad if I looked wearing shoes my whole life?
Oh my God. Oh, oh no. Oh, ew, ew. Suddenly everyone's gonna be looking down here at your feet and they're not even gonna notice your head. Also, by beans.
Alright, alright. I don't know if I get another turn, but I'm taking one. I'd like to screen back. If that's all you've got, please.
Alright, we're gonna press the fifth round, our three round thing.
I just need to highlight one thing. I don't know if it was clear. We're back here. Great Depression, sad, dustful, very sad. These people, feet covered in shit, no shoes. This guy, happy, shoes, no shit. If you just zoom in and look really close.
Oh, no!
That's what the sad people have in their hands.
Now, that is slander or libel. It's written, I think.
They're not just sad because of the Great Depression. They're sad because all they have is beans. I rest my case.
That's like that artificial chick kind, the chick with an apostrophe N.
Clearly, that's B-E-A-N-Z and not how I spelled it. B-E-N.
B-E-E-N-S?
The Benz. Oh, the Benz! I just looked at, uh, I don't want to present.
I mean, spelled beans. You're actually gonna kill me. I yield my time.
I have given an assortment of points this round, which I wasn't intending to do, but I had to. However, overall, uh, man, that last photograph of the bean depression, I just gotta give the point to Bob for the round. But I don't know who got more points total during the round. Bob gets the round point. Also, buy beans didn't quite do it.
Okay. You countered Bob real well the second time, but...
You know what, Mark? I see the vision. You're not buying shoes. You're looking for something to buy. Also, buy beans.
They're, they're actually completely separate product categories. They're not mutually exclusive at all. We, we're not even competing, really.
Okay, Bob, you get to go first this time.
Wait, what?
Didn't I just get to go first?
Mark, you get to go first this time.
I shouldn't have said anything, I guess.
There were so many rebuttals, I didn't remember where we started.
It was, it was perfectly logical.
I'd like to screen, please. I'm gonna draw about how I just went first.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Alright, so, Mark, you get to go first this time. You're going to sell me. Oven or stove?
You came to the right guy. If there's a guy that knows about having stoves.
Let me at least stop sharing just in case.
No, I don't even need to share.
Unless you need an illustration of what a stove looks like. You know what? Let me guide you through it.
I look like the kind of guy who needs to know.
I understand you're the type of buyer that wants to know every in and out, not like this poor piece of shit right here. Sorry, Fede. I've, man, this is no longer Fede. I want to, I want to be very clear. This is not Fede. Wait, what the fuck? They're here. It's not, not brown, not in brown.
This is no stove having guy. I'm not even gonna bother with the entry level models. You sir want the Range Master 9000, right?
That sounds fancy.
I love the way you smell.
Thank you.
Let me give you a glance at this thing. Boom, pow, whoa, fuck, what? It stopped? Don't need that much.
Does it like run out of paint? What's happening?
What the fuck kind of brush is this?
This is limiting my artistic vision.
All right. So you got the Range Master 9000, all right? So this bad mamba jamba oven, oven not only has dual zone, uh, not only does it have dual zone ovens.
It's got not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven. It's got a secret elbow burner right here.
Keeps on your toes. It's only for experts and you, my friend, seem like an expert who needs all of those zones and a special surprise to keep you awake in the line of duty. Starting off at ninety-nine, nine, nine, nine.
That dot could be going anywhere. Man, if you're trying to sell me something, you sure picked the price.
I know, right?
Well, this is the Range Master nine thousand. Look.
We accept Klarna.
Credit Klarna?
Don't use the watercolor brush. It runs out.
Man, I'm pretty sold. That thing has not one, not two, not three, all the way up to a secret eighth burner?
Sure, I think.
No, that was right. That was right.
No, you're so right. It definitely has eight burners.
I maybe lost count at some point.
Oh shit, no, you were absolutely right. There were eight burners.
Instead, Bob, you get to sell me.
What does that mean? What does that mean?
Marcus to choose what you sell. His round already went, so his rebuttal, he can't use any verbs.
Oh, so I can use verbs. He can't use verbs.
Wait, why am I getting punished for this?
Well, you get to choose what he has to sell. So you get to choose the item. But your punishment is you don't get to use verbs in your rebuttal.
Don't worry, there's other ones on here that do things to the same person or other person.
All right, he's also an oven salesman.
Okay, also an oven salesman. Oh, man, the poop shoes.
My friend here, well, he was really focusing on the stove. He said there's a dual zone oven and then he went on and on about how many burners there were. I am here to tell you about the Of Master nine thousand and one.
Which does have a burner, some knobs or whatever the fuck. It has one big fucking burner on it. How many burners do you need? You need a thing that makes heat. But what this baby lacks in stove, it makes up for in ovens. She's girthy. She's got legs. And this bad boy has not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven, not eight,
but a secret ninth dick oven right in the dead center of where you're gonna wanna be standing while you're cooking your masterpieces with this bad mama. Yes, it's a stove. Yes, you can boil pasta on it. But how many other ranges are gonna allow you to cook eight and one hot dogs worth of different dishes all at one time? That's right. This is the Of Master 9001. I'm gonna put it in red so that it seems good, better than green.
It starts at $1 down and $3,600 a month for the next 72 months. It's in the fine print of the contract. $1. Here, I'll fancy it up. One, and I'll give you a double dollar sign. Astorisk.
What a rebuttal.
Where else are you gonna get secret dick oven?
Mark, do you wanna rebut with no verbs?
Oh, oh, me, me?
Yeah, man.
I hear.
Side surprise.
The noun.
A surprise.
Oh, oven. Oven. Foo, oh, it runs, no, out, oh, color out. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, secret eight. Dual zone, on side, on the side. Is not verb, no verbs on the side, got it? No, no, is not.
Isn't is a verb?
Fuck. Hey, that's a verb.
Do you see the fuck over there? Food, heat, life, love. We can hang that in our kitchen, food, heat, life. Salt, acid, heat, power. Not one.
Plug.
Plug, no. How plug? Not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven, not eight, not nine.
That's a sad plug.
Ten, plug.
Power from, from, from power tower. This out window. This window, window? Power tower. Wisdom.
Oh, God.
Here.
Thanks.
Not coal oven. Fuck.
Not coal oven, fuck, the noun. Nine thousand two volt. No, that don't matter. Amp.
Is amp verb?
No, it's amperage, isn't it? Or ampere's? I don't know.
Nine thousand two amp deluxe gold edition.
Whoa, wow.
After steak on.
Do, do, do, do, TikTok.
Lock?
It after two steak clock.
No steak on then.
Then.
To discount.
Nine, nine, nine, nine.
Wow, it got a lot cheaper.
Please, you know.
Please, you know, buy, buy?
Now, by rule, that's the three rounds. Fuck the noun.
All right, if I can have the screen back for just one second.
Okay, so since you're rebutting the rebut, I'm gonna make you also use no verbs.
Good, easy. This one dollar. This.
Nine, nine, nine, nine?
Hmm.
Nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine. One dollar. Me, you.
I feel like there are far less verbs than I thought there were, but I didn't want to risk it.
Mark, I'm gonna give you that one.
I love the one dollar price, but I'm smart enough to have heard the asterisk and the 72 months of $3,200 payments or whatever it was.
It was $3,600 money, like, it's nine ovens.
It is, it is a lot of ovens.
You could be a man who owns nine ovens, but I guess you won't.
The secret ninth dick oven. That is pretty good.
Don't knock it till you've tried it.
I've got so many prompts, but I'm just gonna save it for another day. We're gonna do more. Yeah, we'll do a sequel of this. Well, this is a fun one.
I'm gonna have to get better at drawing in MS Paint. It's the most skill set I've ever developed.
I was not expecting the four to five rounds. I was not expecting the art or the four to five rounds. That was a nice bonus.
I gotta not use the watercolor. I don't know how.
No, it was perfect and I loved every minute of it.
Great. Good. I'll use it every time.
So let me go through the points. Bob, you got points for poop, relatable pets, pink feet art. You got three asterisk points.
Cool, cool.
You won the shoe round, one big burner, thick oven, not one, nine plus dick oven, red, better, one dollar down. Small print, spine print, fine print. And then one dollar or nine nine nine nine, giving you a total of 11 points.
Yeah, baby.
Mark, you got points for Oscars art. I was not expecting an artsy episode, so I gave you a point early on for doing some art for the Oscars.
You got a sniper point.
Alright.
Actual patousnutes? Is that something we said at one point?
I don't know what he was trying to write, but that's something he wrote at one point. Actual patousnutes.
Yeah, actual pictures, I think I was saying.
Oh, pictures.
You got poto people?
Poto people, yep.
Poto people point.
Uh, Zordon for making me remember the Power Rangers guy. You were nice to me. So you got a nice to me point.
I was nice to you.
Yeah, but it was right after you insulted me that he said something nice. So I had to give him the point at that point.
Fuck.
Cause you were mean right before.
The noun?
The dust. As above, so below point.
Not feday. We want to make sure you all know it's not.
This is sounding like a lot of Mark points. We're not even, we're not even in the second round yet.
We are, well, I gave him a lot of Oscars points. He had a lot of Oscars.
Uh, there you go, there you go.
Yeah, Bob, this might've been rigged against you from the start with the Oscars.
Oh, God. Oh.
Not one. This was before Bob's nine dick oven, but not one, not two, not three, dot, dot, dot, but eight. And I drew a circle for stove.
Sure.
Green, so it's good. Cause that made me laugh. Surprise the noun.
10 side plugs, power, tower, window. You did well with the no verbs. At least it made me laugh really hard with the no verbs. And then fuck the noun came around.
Fuck the noun.
Giving you 16 points. Right now you're at 16 to 11. 16 to 11 right now.
Oh, well, that feels pretty balanced.
He had a lot of Oscars points. It was a lot of small talk points.
Hey, I could go to the Oscars too. I was just taking it easy this week.
You would have had a similar experience as me.
Well, next week when you go to the Oscars, you get all the points for it.
I didn't realize that was gonna be so worth so many points on this show. I would have participated.
I wasn't expecting patusnutes and a poto people.
Well, let's see how many pointless spins we can have today. I bet it's gonna be one.
You know, to be fair, there are ways to completely manipulate this.
I thought it was gonna be one.
Three spins. Well, I like how the wheel rewinds itself after you spit. It was all like, wait, what happened? Oh my God, it's not displaying words anymore because it's too much shit.
We officially got two money.
Now it's just a mystery wheel.
Oh, so we won't even know what it is until it pops. Oh, that's nice.
Oh, that's that's kind of exciting. Wait, what are we adding?
All right, I'm gonna add screwed from the start because Bob, I feel like today you might have been screwed from the start. Mark had so many points from the small talk. You just you didn't have much of a chance. So you can have a screw from the start point. If it lands on it.
Yeah, if it lands on it. Interesting.
There they are. Wait, I see them now.
Oh, wow. They're so tiny.
What did they update this app? What the hell? It's never done this before. Now it scales the text size?
We lost part of our peas. You do something to the winner.
All right. All right. Spin number one. Well, now the words are so small. I can't fucking really tell anyway. Best mental image.
Oh, best mental image, man.
I talked about a lot of dog poop, baby throw up, and dogs throw up made of dog poop. I didn't even try and describe the smell. I was just giving you imagery alone.
Yeah, but remember the angry guy with his dick out and all the, the, the Mr. Potato Heads? Remember all those? There was a lot of images.
I drew shoes. You remember all the shoes I drew?
You did. I don't know that I would call poop the best mental image, even though your descriptions, Bob, is always are amazing.
Best is meaning the same thing as like most vivid to me right now, not most pleasant, most vivid.
That makes sense that that would mean that to you right now?
Yeah, right now, that's what that means.
I'm just gonna go ahead and tack that point on to your opponent, Bob.
Okay, well, that seems a little excessive.
Just think of Feday's face.
Yeah, remember? Mark's never gonna be invited to the Oscars again, man, so.
That's not a mental image. That's just an image. It's not a mental image at all.
You're right, but, but it was the guy, it was the guy, people, the listeners count. This guy is dismissing the listeners.
Spin number two. Whoa.
Accidentally clicked twice. I didn't know what was gonna happen. I thought I might have deleted the whole thing for a second.
Man, I thought you were just choosing where it landed now. Surprise golf rules. Whoa, so shocking.
Bob gets six points. Who put that on there? All right, spin number two, and I won't click it twice. Here we go.
Most dread to participate?
Oh, man, who is dreading participating in this game the most?
I can tell you, we had St. Patrick's Day dinner over at Mandy's parents' house tonight, and I was fucking exhausted because we haven't, James has not had childcare so far this week, so it's been fun, but I've just been hanging out with them all day, Monday, Tuesday, when normally I'd be doing like recording or streaming or whatever. We had dinner and I was sitting there after we ate, and I was, I was like, I'm dreading, dreading the recording because I'm so tired. So like, I legitimately said, I think, I'm dreading the recording because I'm so exhausted.
And Mark was excited to share his Oscars experience. Bob, you know what? You can have that one.
I can't argue.
All right, Bob just needs five points. The tie, six points to win.
I'm not out of it yet. You just, I see the fucking wheel rewinding itself. Really off putting. Whatever update this app did, I don't like it.
It is a little off putting.
Spin number three.
All right, the third and final spin, unless it's add two spins, board doesn't apply.
Oh, you know what?
Well, it's gotta go to Bob, eh?
Yeah, I gotta give that one to Bob.
Doesn't even matter. Who fucking cares? Doesn't matter. It's more stupid.
Well, I mean, it affects the total points you have.
Doesn't, oh, okay. Well, no, you wouldn't want to not have more, one more total point. That'll save me.
It's a respectable seventeen to thirteen.
Doesn't sound respectable.
I have a lot of respect for that.
I'm respectful about it. Are you?
In fact, in my next episode, I will make the entry for the wheel the most respectful.
Hmm, there we go.
Because that's how much I respect it.
I see.
Bob, you know what? Out of respect, I'm even gonna let you go first with the, with the second place finish speech.
Just give me a second here. If I could just have the screen for a second.
Of course.
Uh, I just want to draw this so that everyone has a mental image of it. This is, this is today's episode. This, oh, he's, it's a three dimensional drawing. Just, just, uh huh, it's like that, goes down. So this is Mark on top. There you go. Gold medal. And down here, yep, three dimensions. That's how dimensions work. This is me, normal sized human, me, down here. Look, my face may be sad. And Mark's face may be happy. And I may have a silver medal around my neck. But I think we can all see who the real winner is from this drawing.
It's a really good drawing.
For the listeners, Bob was somehow, even though on the bottom step, still twice the size of Mark.
Well, approximately four times as tall as Mark, based on the scale of my drawing, which is lore accurate, I think. That's biblically accurate heights.
It's all yours. Congratulations, Bob, on being the real secret winner, I suppose. But Mark, the winner who counts in the standings, congrats, your winner's speech.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I would like to draw your attention to this drawing. You may find this to be familiar, right? There's a baseball game happening.
Is there?
There's a baseball game.
Or is there a really angry UFO man with the green mustache?
The St. Louis Arch? Where are we?
No, there's a baseball game happening over here with baseball man McGee about to swing his baseball bat. It's bad as brown.
That's wood, yeah, sure.
That's wood, and then there's a dude over here all like, I'mma catch you.
Catch that.
He's squatting, he's squatting, he's squatting, I put her here, put her here.
He's got that wood glove?
And he's going like, oh pow, put it right there. And then, you know, you got the pitcher doing the pitcher thing. He's about to whip left.
Wow, what an arm. Oh my, I can see why he's a pitcher.
Right, okay.
He's gifted.
So you may know, from Bob's diagram, yes, this is me here, standing upon my.
Whoa.
I got crushed, barely.
It was just a third leg.
I thought you had a dick and one boob.
No, no, no, here's my three dimensional boxes. And yes, I may have to stand upon two of these boxes, right? And perhaps Bob does, in fact, uh, have to stand on, uh.
Classic. That's my classic hair.
But you know, you know, you know what? In all honesty, guess who's got more boxes? Because I got not one, not two, not three, but I believe I have four more boxes. And there's other boxes over here because we have, I have a total of 17 boxes.
Wow, okay.
And that's a box. And there's another box. I might have stepped on him. But and Bob's, I've been using his boxes.
How many does he get?
He has 13 boxes. And I'd say that made all the difference for me to be able to see the baseball game. But we're equal. Well, I mean, are we? Yes, actually we are.
Well, do you count Bob's straight up Marge Simpson's hairdo?
Anyway, I just want to point that out.
And then red for bad and green for good. What the fuck? I don't even remember my own bits.
Well, the points were done a while ago, boys, but great speeches.
If I could just have the screen for a second. I just want to point out one thing. I just want to point out one thing. You could come here with me. I just want to point out one thing.
He's stealing my drawing.
I just want to, I just want to get this out here.
If we draw, I'll not even cheat. If we draw a straight line across the top of the heads. And if we assume that green is in fact, good and red is in fact, bad. I think we can see whose hairdo just barely makes it into the green area. In Mark's own drawing.
Hmm, drawing.
I rest my case.
Thank you. I thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Well, Bob, I got to give you the completely worthless after effects, after speeches are done point there. Cause you, you won that part.
I did. You didn't have to tell me that. I know I won. It's clear.
I'm even gonna make a note, speech winner.
This was really an episode for the listeners, if there's ever been one.
I hope our descriptions of the images were vague and confusing and you have no idea what the Oscars looked like. You have no idea what poop looks like and you have no idea what we look like.
Oh, they know what poop looks like. I need to think about that one.
If you haven't already, go follow Bob, the art and poo master at MySkirm. Go follow Mark, not getting invited by, back to the Oscars ever again.
Never.
Follow me, Bald, at Minion77 or LordMinion777. I do nothing that interesting. And I guess stay tuned for the next one. We have merch sometimes at distractable.shop.
Yes.
There could be stuff there right now. There might be stuff there tomorrow. There might have been stuff yesterday. That's why you gotta check all the time. We don't know. You don't know unless you look. Stay tuned for the next episode, which right now I think will be next week. We're taking things a little slow and nice and enjoyable, which is why we can have 10,000 extra things for Sam and the lovely editing team to have to edit in, like all of our lovely drawings today. And all of you listeners and watchers out there, please come back for the next one. We're begging you. We'll draw you on our, we'll draw ourselves on our hands and knees, but we're not gonna show any of you that picture. Until then.
If I could just have the screen for a second.
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