Unhappy Birthday

To cheer up Mark from being sick on his birthday, Bob and Wade share stories of their own bad birthday experiences. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:27Speaker 01

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• 1:22Speaker 03

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• 1:28Speaker 04

  Good evening, gentle listeners, all watchers, and welcome to Distractible. This episode: Mushroomy Mark invites Ron, suggests budget death match, and has a deflating day. Windy Way despises foam, dreams of Elon, gets plundered in Pokémon by X, and fouls the foul. Beady Bob destroys Ellen's bush, defends Allium Sapper, rejects celebrations, and burns his buttocks. From the greatest of friends, to blasting the bangles. Ha ha ha ha ha! It's time for Unhappy Birthday. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted

• 2:13Speaker 04

  and enjoy the show.

• 2:17Speaker 05

  Hello and welcome to Distractible, the only podcast that I would recommend if someone asked me what my favorite podcast was named Distractible. Yes, I'm your host Mark, here with my greatest friends in the world, Bob and Wade. They're not my best friends, they're my greatest friends.

• 2:36Speaker 06

  That's better or worse?

• 2:37Speaker 07

  That's an important and hurtful distinction. Thank you, Mark.

• 2:41Speaker 05

  You wouldn't say it's my best enemy, you would say my greatest enemy, right?

• 2:47Speaker 07

  I don't know if I have a greatest enemy, but syntactically, I have to agree with you on that one, yes.

• 2:53Speaker 05

  You understand the difference, but you do have a greatest friend in me, just like that guy Ron DeSantis sang in Toy Story. You got a friend, you got the greatest friend in me.

• 3:09Speaker 06

  Ron DeSantis?

• 3:11Speaker 07

  Yeah, they actually had Ron DeSantis re-record for Toy Story 5. It's a new, it's, you know.

• 3:17Speaker 05

  I think it's working. I think this is progress. It's healing the divide, just like this podcast does every week.

• 3:23Speaker 06

  God, you make me want to make jokes, but I can't make the jokes. Try to avoid these jokes.

• 3:27Speaker 05

  What jokes? Come on, make it. You can censor it.

• 3:29Speaker 06

  That's why there's no books in Toy Story.

• 3:36Speaker 06

  Is that okay?

• 3:37Speaker 07

  Yeah, that's pretty funny.

• 3:39Speaker 06

  Editors, make me like, make me look funnier and more approachable, so it's funny.

• 3:43Speaker 07

  What does that mean?

• 3:44Speaker 05

  I think it means, you know that game, there's like a GMod mode where the scary thing is it's a fucking JPEG, a squared image coming at you. I think that's you approaching the camera very fast, yeah.

• 3:58Speaker 06

  That's why there's no books in Toy Story.

• 4:01Speaker 05

  They only need the image.

• 4:07Speaker 06

  It's like sitting pose.

• 4:08Speaker 05

  Anyway, we're off to a riotous start. Um, we're gonna have special guests like Ron DeSantis will be on the podcast, uh, as soon as he answers our call. Um, and then equivalently cool guests will be rolling through the door as we change our podcast entirely from a, uh, podcast of three friends being idiots to a pure rotating guest interview show.

• 4:30Speaker 06

  What if we have a whole bunch of guests and we just make them all do like a battle royale type feature every episode and we do nothing?

• 4:35Speaker 07

  I think people would tune in for that.

• 4:37Speaker 05

  Yeah, they would. They would do that. Yeah, I'm sure.

• 4:39Speaker 06

  Ron DeSantis versus, uh, Mickey Mouse versus, uh, Avantris Crew. Is Mickey Mouse a real person? Can we have Mickey?

• 4:46Speaker 07

  No, it's perfect. It's like, uh, it's like a real life version of, uh, Celebrity Death Match. It's, it's like that, but it's real. That's it. That's the whole idea. Perfect.

• 4:56Speaker 05

  We're gonna take the Avantris Crew and we're gonna have each of their personas from different campaigns, not your favorite ones. Trust me, can't afford those guys. Chuckles not gonna be in there.

• 5:06Speaker 07

  No, no, no.

• 5:07Speaker 05

  Cannot afford chuckles.

• 5:08Speaker 06

  How do we, uh, get them, uh, trick them into, we call it like distract a con, Mark Aplier con when they come for them?

• 5:14Speaker 05

  Thank you for acknowledging.

• 5:15Speaker 06

  What was the, what was the really crappy one with like the little ball pit and nothing else?

• 5:19Speaker 07

  DashCon?

• 5:20Speaker 06

  Maybe. I think I was conflating that one with Fire Festival. The name Fire Festival's in my brain.

• 5:24Speaker 07

  Those are not similar things at all.

• 5:26Speaker 05

  Yeah. What was the ball pit convention?

• 5:28Speaker 07

  The whole ball pit situation, what you get 50, you get five free extra minutes in the ball pit or whatever, the whole thing. That was DashCon. That joke, that meme. It's not a meme. It's, it actually happened, but.

• 5:39Speaker 05

  That's so funny.

• 5:40Speaker 07

  Fire Festival was a live music festival that was, uh, hosted in kind of part of an island in the Bahamas, if I remember correctly.

• 5:49Speaker 05

  It was no supplies, no nothing. It was like a luxury experience. They brought them out to this island and they had nothing there.

• 5:58Speaker 07

  They had like a field with like a hundred FEMA tents in it and like some styrofoam box lunch sandwiches and it was a whole, it was a whole thing. There's some really great, you know, like YouTube commentary, rundowns of it. If you want to learn more, they're all over the place.

• 6:13Speaker 06

  That'd be the cruelest way to kill me on an island. You like give me all the supplies I need, but you put them in styrofoam. So I'm like, guess I'll die.

• 6:19Speaker 05

  Hey, there's a video idea. I'm gonna give you a point because we're gonna do that now. All right. Styrofoam Survival.

• 6:25Speaker 07

  This podcast is, is gonna become Mr. Beast. My friend tries to live on Styrofoam Island for one week.

• 6:33Speaker 06

  I don't.

• 6:34Speaker 05

  I'll give you partial credit, Bob. It wasn't your idea, but I feel like you are gonna be in on it when we actually do it.

• 6:39Speaker 07

  I'll, I'll be like the one who's on the island secretly to torment Wade.

• 6:43Speaker 05

  I'm gonna give you a styro point. Every time there's a styro point, it gives a styro squeak sound effect.

• 6:49Speaker 07

  Great. You can't hear it, but you know that it will be happening. So you could imagine it. Imagine it really vividly.

• 6:55Speaker 05

  When you listen back to the podcast to review it, you'll hear it.

• 6:59Speaker 07

  All those re-listens you put in and distractible, then you'll suffer.

• 7:03Speaker 06

  I would probably, I rewatched a bunch of our clips, but God, I hate me. I can't stand watching myself or listening to myself. So I don't like, I'm like, oh man, I love listening to Mark and Bob. Ah, fuck, I'm talking again. Let's skip it.

• 7:20Speaker 07

  No, I get that. And not about you, even though that is funny, but I feel the same way about myself. I can't do it. It would take after all this time. I don't, have you, do you feel like you're over that, Mark? I feel like you've seen so much of your own, like you did, the movie is a whole other level of you saw yourself from so many angles and doing so much like, are you, are you still cringed out by yourself?

• 7:39Speaker 05

  No, not at all. No.

• 7:40Speaker 06

  He watches the podcast and takes a sharpie and he colors over us. So it's just him and he's like Wolverine holding the photo like, God, I love distract a plier.

• 7:48Speaker 05

  Listen, I have Sam edit out a separate cut that is just my camera.

• 7:54Speaker 05

  And it still changes to the three person there, but it's all me. Every single one of them is just me.

• 7:59Speaker 06

  Seeing me like Mark act like me would be uncomfortable. That would, that would, we're so different.

• 8:05Speaker 05

  No, wow. In what way?

• 8:07Speaker 06

  I'm bald or not. I'm an idiot. You're smart.

• 8:15Speaker 07

  All right. Okay. I like this. I like this.

• 8:17Speaker 06

  We have different ways of not focusing. I just like, how can I make this into a really funny joke? Wade, what do you think? What are we talking about? Fuck. We just have, we're just, we're different.

• 8:27Speaker 07

  Any other differences you want to comment on specifically? Maybe one that'll lose you points?

• 8:32Speaker 06

  Nope, not today.

• 8:33Speaker 07

  Well, at least I could feel better about myself if I lose while Wade is trying to win.

• 8:37Speaker 05

  All right. So what we usually do at this juncture is we go into small talk. Would you guys like to do that? Or would you like to skip the small talk?

• 8:43Speaker 07

  Uh, if you're saying you have an absolute banger episode and you don't want to waste all the time on small talk, I'm okay with that.

• 8:50Speaker 06

  I would love to do some small talk.

• 8:52Speaker 05

  Okay, good, good, good.

• 8:55Speaker 06

  We're recording this later in the evening, the next day than we usually record because I had to cancel yesterday. We hopped into a call because as you guys know, I was like, I got the review again. But after we after like, yeah, we can reschedule. I was like, man, I had some really good small talk for today, too. And I only remember one of my small talks, and that's the weird dream I had about being in Elon Musk's bedroom. Where he had a comforter that was white and gold, like embroidered that had his name at the feet.

• 9:21Speaker 05

  It's a really good small talk. Yeah.

• 9:23Speaker 06

  But it was weird because like he was trying to explain to me. He's like, I'm not really the way you think I am. The aliens are making me behave this way because we have to concede. Like he was like convincing me that aliens were in control of everything. It was a weird dream.

• 9:37Speaker 05

  Oh, it's a dream. I thought this was real. You know, I miss that part.

• 9:40Speaker 06

  Yeah, I was in Elon's house yesterday. I'm a big Elon guy.

• 9:43Speaker 07

  Look, if it's gonna end, let it end. All right.

• 9:45Speaker 05

  I can understand that.

• 9:46Speaker 07

  You get a call from him and he's like, you're the only one who understands. I styled my entire existence after Ellen. Okay. It is Ellen Musk. I'm a huge Degeneres fan.

• 9:58Speaker 05

  I mean, who isn't these days? Is Ellen Degeneres still doing things? I can't even remember.

• 10:03Speaker 07

  Didn't it turn out she was like a crazy monster who was really mean to everyone who worked for her and it was a whole and then she got like canceled off the everything. Now she just shows up at the Super Bowl, sitting next to George Bush for some reason.

• 10:14Speaker 06

  Is that true? I don't. You've just made a lot of statements I'd never heard.

• 10:18Speaker 07

  It was like a picture that went around. I have no idea the context at all. I just know that that picture does exist. And it was like, I don't know if it was in the Super Bowl. It was like a big football game or something. And it was Ella Degeneres sitting next to George Bush. And now my brain was like, whoa, is it? Whoa, is it 2004 already? Whoa.

• 10:35Speaker 06

  Yeah. Uh, so Wade, to catch you up on this, um, actually, should we tell him? The guy sitting in front of Ellen in this picture is the guy who like welcomes people to the Hall of Fame. That's kind of fun.

• 10:46Speaker 07

  The guy, the big guy who wears the, who goes around and tells people they got in, makes them cry on TV.

• 10:52Speaker 05

  You know, it's funny. If you go to Ellen Degeneres' Wikipedia page, there is no mention of any controversies at all.

• 11:01Speaker 07

  Oh, I guess I must have hallucinated that.

• 11:03Speaker 06

  Oh, no, wait, there's something. Okay. Ah, allegations of onset bullying in retirement. Oh, I thought a lot of the daytime TV just kind of like died from, um, content platforms that people hated us because of that, like.

• 11:12Speaker 07

  I think her show kind of went down with her, but I do think daytime TV is not in a great.

• 11:16Speaker 05

  Place right now.

• 11:17Speaker 06

  Doesn't Dr. Phil have a whole bunch of like crazy stuff going on right now, too?

• 11:21Speaker 05

  Dr. Phil.

• 11:24Speaker 06

  Go up the face you made. I feel like I sinned. I'm sorry.

• 11:28Speaker 05

  Yeah, I mean, if you if you don't know how Dr. Phil is in recent years.

• 11:35Speaker 06

  No, I don't.

• 11:36Speaker 05

  I know you're under a rock for most of things, and I am too, but like you don't know.

• 11:41Speaker 06

  No, the last time I saw Dr. Phil, he was in like Scary Movie 13, cutting off Shaq's leg or something. I don't know.

• 11:48Speaker 07

  That's like Scary Movie Three, wasn't it?

• 11:50Speaker 05

  He was in Four, which is, yeah, not as good.

• 11:53Speaker 07

  Cause Dr. Phil was in it.

• 11:55Speaker 06

  I didn't know he had a last name. Apparently he has a last name, McGraw. I didn't know that either. I'm learning things today.

• 11:59Speaker 05

  It's not that same extent, but this is like that bit from the Conan O'Brien podcast where the guy is like, what financier Jeff Epstein? What?

• 12:09Speaker 06

  Have you seen have you seen that bit where?

• 12:10Speaker 05

  No, I don't. I live under a rock. There's, yeah, everyone's Conan's trying to tell us what goes like, yeah, disgraced financier, had an island, like just sex trafficking. He's dead also. Just like, you're telling me, no way. Are we talking about the same guy?

• 12:27Speaker 07

  My friend, my good friend, Jeff Epstein. You're talking, you're talking about somebody else. No, you guys are just messed up, man. That's good. Good joke, Conan. Good prank. You got me.

• 12:37Speaker 06

  Dude, I just learned about Bernie Madoff like a month ago. I'm so behind on these things. At least we still have Enron, right?

• 12:44Speaker 05

  You still got that stock?

• 12:46Speaker 07

  Those certificates sitting in your bank vault are definitely gonna pay off.

• 12:49Speaker 06

  I really do live under a rock.

• 12:51Speaker 05

  Yeah, but that's why we're here to try to get you out from under that rock.

• 12:54Speaker 06

  I don't know. I feel like I'm usually happier under the rock.

• 12:57Speaker 07

  Under Rock is underrated.

• 12:58Speaker 06

  Like, I feel like Squidward's person knows a lot. Patrick lives under a rock, and I'd much rather be like Patrick.

• 13:04Speaker 07

  I think the only thing about Under Rock is you have to have to be kind of lucky and have a little privilege to be able to exist under rock. Not everyone gets to do that, though.

• 13:14Speaker 06

  Well, now I feel guilty about living under my rock, but I really like my rock.

• 13:17Speaker 07

  No, look, enjoy it. I'm not trying to guilt you.

• 13:19Speaker 06

  That's fair.

• 13:20Speaker 05

  I did give Bob a not under Rock point, so for exposing himself to the dangers and horrors that are outside of the Rock.

• 13:28Speaker 06

  I don't want to do that anymore. Ignorance is such bliss. If there's one thing I've learned, knowledge is suck. I just want to eat my steak. At least I know that reference. Guys, I know that reference.

• 13:37Speaker 07

  You know that reference from 1999? God damn.

• 13:41Speaker 06

  He's bald. He likes steak.

• 13:43Speaker 07

  You identified with him and you didn't understand why until you two were bald.

• 13:49Speaker 06

  I know. I was like, I hate this guy. Then I lost my hair. I was like, I love this guy.

• 13:53Speaker 05

  I have something about that scene that I have to ask you guys because it's been said since that movie that that guy, the actor who did that scene is like a strict vegetarian. And in that scene, he actually ate a mushroom. And I had to go back to that scene and I'm like, I'm looking at the piece of meat, quote unquote, on his fork. And I'm like, I swear to fuck, that's a piece of steak. There is no way in hell they made a piece of mushroom look like that, especially when he's chewing it, it's on the fork. I don't believe that it's a mushroom.

• 14:24Speaker 06

  The shot where he has it, because he has the fork upside down and he's holding it and there's like a very tight shot of a huge fucking hunk of steak. I've heard multiple different things. The, I've heard that like, he just really didn't like steak and that was the scene and so he just did it. And he had, he was like forcing himself to eat it was like, steak. I heard he was like a vegetarian or be, I don't know what the truth is, but I've heard lots of rumors that that whole scene for the people on set was like, kind of funny, kind of fucked up because that dude did not want to eat that steak at all. And the whole, the whole dialogue was about how much the steak was delicious.

• 15:01Speaker 00

  Cheers to fall savings at Whole Foods Market, home of higher ingredient standards. This Halloween, share chocolates and candies made without that spooky high fructose corn syrup. Throwing a party? Make it easy with a berry chantilly cake. Ready to cook pizza? No antibiotics ever chicken wings and sushi made fresh daily. Fall gatherings never tasted better. Save through November 3rd at Whole Foods Market.

• 15:29Speaker 06

  He should have won an award for being the guy who like betrayed all of his friends for a steak he didn't even want.

• 15:34Speaker 07

  The Golden Globe for willing to do the most to sacrifice their personal values just to be in a movie goes to...

• 15:43Speaker 05

  That guy.

• 15:44Speaker 06

  This says that he spat the steak out between takes, but for wider shots, they had the mushroom steak.

• 15:50Speaker 07

  Look, props people can do some seriously fucking magic bullshit. So like, I wouldn't be surprised if it was just mushrooms and they just did some, some magic shit to it.

• 15:59Speaker 05

  No, see, that's what I don't believe. I would love to see a video of some prop food person that actually made a mushroom look like that. Because that looked like the tastiest steak I've ever had in my life. I would ever have in my life.

• 16:11Speaker 06

  Maybe we've been doing it all wrong. Maybe we just want mushrooms, Mark.

• 16:13Speaker 05

  Maybe. I, you know, I've seen some mushroom burgers. I've seen stuff like that, but usually it's minced or it's like a whole portobello. It's like, I don't think, I feel like.

• 16:23Speaker 07

  People need to back off on the whole portobello. Like, oh, it's approximately the size of a burger patty. So is a very small cow pie. I do not want either of those things on a burger bun. I like mushrooms, but one whole fucking portobello grilled up and shoved in a burger bun is not a burger. It's gross. It's also not a pizza crust. Pizza people. Like, oh, it's just like a little personal pizza. No, it's not. It's like a huge fucking chewy ass gross mushroom with cheese melted on it for some reason.

• 16:55Speaker 06

  You're speaking my language. I'm not, I'm not a mushroom guy. Don't like the texture.

• 16:58Speaker 05

  Love the flavor in other things. I can't deal with the texture and the knowledge that I'm eating a mushroom, right?

• 17:05Speaker 06

  I'm like that with onions.

• 17:06Speaker 05

  Okay, well, okay, come on. Onions are great.

• 17:09Speaker 07

  Okay. Mushrooms is like one of my favorite things to eat, but not that. That's an abomination. And did you say you don't like onion?

• 17:18Speaker 06

  I don't. The texture of onions drives me nuts, but I like onion flavor, like onion powders and stuff.

• 17:22Speaker 07

  Like what you like, don't like what you don't like, but onions are delicious and that's a tragedy. You gotta get those onions in there. That's the base of flavor. That's where the flavor is.

• 17:31Speaker 05

  As a texture guy, I love eating onions. I do. I, we did an Unis honest video where it's like, we bought like way too many onions.

• 17:39Speaker 07

  That is one of my favorite Unis honest videos that lives in my head. Just you guys fucking calling each, FaceTiming each other back and forth with your huge stupid bowls of onions. Both of you just be like,

• 17:53Speaker 05

  I thought it would. Destroy my body. I was fine. I completely fine. So I was like, oh, this is gonna, I'm gonna pay for this tomorrow. So fine. Not an issue at all.

• 18:04Speaker 07

  That is surprising. I didn't, I assumed it was bad.

• 18:07Speaker 05

  No, no, it was, it was A okay. I was good to go.

• 18:10Speaker 07

  Did your whole house just like smell like onions for a month or anything crazy?

• 18:14Speaker 05

  Yes, that did. Yeah, that was a thing, but at least it wasn't pure garlic. I feel like if I just tried to fry garlic.

• 18:20Speaker 07

  Ah, God, that would be tough.

• 18:23Speaker 05

  All right, uh, everyone got their small talk out.

• 18:25Speaker 06

  I might have to have knee surgery. You'll be fine. Well, okay. So by the time this episode airs, I'll hopefully have the results of the MRI I'm having tomorrow, which is a weird thing to say.

• 18:35Speaker 07

  You will been having had to have knee surgery.

• 18:37Speaker 06

  Well, at least I'll have the MRI done, but the theory is a meniscus tear, partial tear right now.

• 18:42Speaker 05

  I will give you a conditional point where if it is bad and you need to get a surgery for it, I will give you a point for now. This is a conditional point.

• 18:51Speaker 07

  This past weekend.

• 18:52Speaker 06

  I was a man again.

• 18:54Speaker 05

  Oh, my God. You get a man point.

• 18:57Speaker 06

  Oh, my God, another baby.

• 18:58Speaker 07

  We're a different kind of man. My brother in law and I built a box.

• 19:04Speaker 06

  Coffin?

• 19:05Speaker 07

  It's basically coffin sized. Yes, it's a, it's a deck box. You'll see it Wade when you come over on Saturday.

• 19:10Speaker 06

  Is that why I'm invited over?

• 19:11Speaker 07

  Not for you, not for you, not for you.

• 19:13Speaker 06

  You're gonna see it, Wade.

• 19:15Speaker 07

  We'll see what the, we'll see what the MRI says, but no, it's a, it's like a deck box for the backyard to go by the pool. And it's like a fuck, it's one of those projects where we built like a frame and then we, uh, covered the outside of the frame. Then we put the bottom, then we put a lid on it. And at each, including the frame phase, at each phase, we like put, had it assembled and we're like, ah, that step is done. And then we like turned it or whatever to work on it. And we picked, picked it up together and we're like, oh, that's getting kind of heavy, like, oh shit. And at the, when we finished it, it's the fucking heaviest, mediaest box made of, uh, mostly just pressure treated wood.

• 19:51Speaker 06

  What are you putting in it?

• 19:52Speaker 07

  Like pool noodles and floaties and I'll just, it's sort of like shit to go in the backyard that needs to go with the pool, like pool chemicals and the pool cleaner. Guy thing that you tossed in there that sucks up all the dirt off the bottom and.

• 20:04Speaker 06

  Can I hire you to make something for me?

• 20:07Speaker 07

  Well, the second half of the story is it was really fucking hot and I almost died. But uh, maybe if you, if you can hire me to do it, not when it's 96 degrees and 90% humidity outside.

• 20:18Speaker 06

  But we'll pick it up Saturday.

• 20:20Speaker 07

  You climb in your coffin, I'll load your, I'll load your box in your car, whatever you need, man.

• 20:23Speaker 06

  One of the things I've struggled to find, Molly likes having bird feeders out. She likes watching the birds eat different bird seed and stuff. Finding a box to store bird seed in is actually fucking difficult. Cause we don't want to just like in our garage, cause then like mice and shit want to get into it. So it attracts things in your garage. But like finding any kind of like storage container that keeps out like insects and mice. Or like, if you get like one of the plastic containers, like we've had raccoons just tear into them and destroy it to get to it.

• 20:49Speaker 07

  In your garage though?

• 20:51Speaker 06

  Not in the garage. We were trying to find one like for the back deck, just to keep it outside, like by the bird feeders. In the garage, we could probably have pretty much anything, but.

• 20:58Speaker 07

  Yeah. Well, I could tell you the best case for that is look for large dog food, plastic containers. But I could build you like a surround for that so that it's like a hardwood box with a plastic tub inside. So that it has an airtight seal, but also it looks nicer and raccoons can't tear into it.

• 21:15Speaker 06

  I'm going to forget this, but if, if one of us remembers, we should talk about it Saturday.

• 21:19Speaker 07

  I'll build you an artisanal bird seed box. I think if I do that, that's going to have to be like a bounty though. Like I'll film it and that'll be a, that'll be a bounty for the show. Cause.

• 21:27Speaker 06

  I was just going to pay you for it, but yeah, sure. If you'd rather have points, I mean, sure.

• 21:30Speaker 05

  We're going to have to put some input ourselves into the bounties because maybe, maybe also like instead of just adding things to the wheel. The host needs to add a bounty. I feel like we, we're obligated to do something like that.

• 21:41Speaker 07

  You don't like the options that we're accumulating?

• 21:44Speaker 05

  No, they're good options, but it's like, yeah, I would love you to be able to build something like that, but it's like, the audience isn't going to agree to that. There's no way. We gotta make it official. We gotta have an official pipeline.

• 21:53Speaker 07

  Oh, I don't care. They don't, this isn't a democracy. That was a lie. The constitution is me.

• 21:59Speaker 05

  Meaningless, that was a lie.

• 22:00Speaker 07

  I agree with that. Obligations on the host, man. Hold on, where's my veto stick? Obligations? Hold on.

• 22:06Speaker 05

  There's no veto. Where did you get this idea that there was a veto stick? There's no veto stick. You come out of the Constitution episodes with this strange idea that was never talked about in the entire episode. Suddenly you're like.

• 22:18Speaker 07

  It's because he just sits there while while you and I are talking about what's actually happening and he's like, we should have a veto stick.

• 22:24Speaker 06

  I've had this napkin for at least three seconds now. I've just been waiting to use it.

• 22:28Speaker 05

  Yeah, but you you could say these ideas in the Constitution episodes, but you don't. You just say like, I don't like that one. I don't like that one. And then if you have, I could be about the veto stick, but it's also like the veto. I concept is also in this thing, you know?

• 22:44Speaker 06

  Yeah, but I know how chance works. I've started by, dude, you know what I've spent on Pokemon cards? Do you know how rare it is to get like a really good hit on Pokemon cards? I know the I've learned the gambler's life, but I need to get out.

• 22:57Speaker 05

  Or you could become more addicted to it. What if we had rare coins?

• 23:01Speaker 07

  I think it might be one of those cases where the only way out is through.

• 23:05Speaker 06

  I have probably spent close to nine K on Pokemon cards.

• 23:08Speaker 07

  What's that like? Six Pokemon cards?

• 23:10Speaker 06

  These days, yes. I have bought six cards.

• 23:14Speaker 05

  Well, it's gonna pay in dividends, right? It's gonna pay money back.

• 23:16Speaker 06

  I got scammed in one. I got scammed once.

• 23:19Speaker 07

  You got Pokemon scammed?

• 23:20Speaker 06

  A box was verified, shipped to us, and I opened it up and someone had like surgically taken the box and opened it and perfectly resealed it. But they opened all of the packs in like the most perfect, like surgical way, taking out the valuable cards. They were filled with nothing but shit. It was just like awful, like valueless, like here's your online card everyone throws away. Here's all these commons that no one wants and like all what was like 10 packs in the thing were all replaced with shitty cards. I'd already gotten rid of the box because I was stupid and was like, oh, go ahead and recycle it. Recycling day. So I got rid of the box. So whenever I messaged him, I was like, hey, I know I'm probably not going to get a refund for this, but at least don't buy from the seller. They're like. You have proof?

• 24:02Speaker 06

  I was like, well, no, but I'm not even asking for a refund. I'm just telling you like this guy's gonna scam. Well, we can't stop.

• 24:07Speaker 07

  You have proof. They don't want us to. You should coffeezilla them, bro.

• 24:12Speaker 05

  If only you had a platform where you could say their name.

• 24:15Speaker 06

  I don't know their name because it was like anonymous. It was through a third party site. I gave them the number of like on the box. I was like, okay, they'll probably track it. They'll know. And they know who they got it from, even though I don't know. So I was like, you can stop this. I can't.

• 24:27Speaker 07

  Not without the proof.

• 24:29Speaker 05

  How do you know that the people you bought it from didn't do it?

• 24:32Speaker 06

  I don't want to put them on blast, but this was stock X.

• 24:34Speaker 07

  I my initial instinct was whatever third party touched this might have totally been been in on the the situation.

• 24:41Speaker 06

  They seem like a pretty big site, so that'd be a weird one for them to put the neck on the line for, but someone in their employee could have done it.

• 24:48Speaker 05

  If stock X is one of those big websites that does a lot of those kinds of things. It's kind of like a more organized eBay or maybe less organized. So really it's just like they do verification, but there's always a chance someone doing the verification doesn't know. So.

• 24:59Speaker 06

  This was professionally done.

• 25:02Speaker 05

  I guarantee you that thing was already tampered with when they got they looked at it was like, seems good. And then passed it along to you.

• 25:07Speaker 07

  It's some Ocean's Eleven Pokemon card scam shit.

• 25:10Speaker 06

  The way this was opened, like even whenever I was like, I was looking at this, the cards, knowing I got scanned that I was like, man, this is so good. Am I scanned? Maybe this is just really bad luck. Is this like the opposite of a god pack? Did I get a turd pack? Like, is that possible? And then they were all turds. And it's like, well, that's probably unlikely, but it was it was professionally, I was professionally scammed.

• 25:30Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's why you should never buy anything like that, not in person.

• 25:33Speaker 06

  Well, thank God I don't have more orders already purchased on the way, but I've not bought any since.

• 25:40Speaker 07

  Lesson learned almost in time.

• 25:43Speaker 05

  This is why I don't get hobbies. I don't dip my toe. I dive in and fucking I'm like, I mean, that's, man, Pokemon card. I don't get it. I've never been a Pokemon fan, but it's like that whole thing where the value of them has exploded in the way that it is. I don't understand. One of my first packs, I pulled a $340 card. And then the addiction started and I couldn't get away from it, right?

• 26:02Speaker 07

  I think I'm pretty with you, Mark. I like intellectually, I understand why those cards sell for early amounts they sell for. But on like a personal level, I just can't fathom why that's the case. And that's the world that we live in. Because I get that investments are very speculative and there's a whole world of investing and like you have shit like Kalshi and speculative markets and whatever. But Pokemon cards especially, it's like, it's kids' to- can't we just let kids play with those? Like, they're fun.

• 26:31Speaker 06

  I would love for the scalpers not to ruin everything.

• 26:33Speaker 07

  They're great. Why can't, can't we just let kids buy those packs for like three bucks at the, at the store? Go home and open like, oh, I got a Pikachu.

• 26:42Speaker 06

  You know what I want to bring back? Beanie ba- can we bring back Beanie Babies? Can we make Beanie Babies popular again?

• 26:47Speaker 07

  Mandy's mom saved her extensive collection of Beanie Babies and we've been doling them out to James. And some classics from my youth have resurfaced and it's still, it's awesome. He has the parrot, uh, and he has the frog.

• 27:00Speaker 06

  Yeah. Legs? Is it legs, the frog?

• 27:02Speaker 07

  Yeah, and the rainbow caterpillar, which was one of my personal favorites as a kid.

• 27:07Speaker 06

  I want to bring, I want Beanie Babies to be popular again.

• 27:09Speaker 05

  I don't think it's gonna happen, but it could, maybe. We could do a lot of scams. We-

• 27:14Speaker 06

  Scam? Wait, what?

• 27:15Speaker 07

  We could buy a Beanie Baby theater.

• 27:17Speaker 06

  We could- You want to open a card shop with me?

• 27:20Speaker 05

  We collectively could do a lot of damage in the world if we wanted to, right?

• 27:25Speaker 06

  Chat, viewers, listeners, audience, esteemed guests, do you guys want us to- What scam do you want us to pull?

• 27:31Speaker 05

  We, we could turn evil and we could do so much.

• 27:35Speaker 06

  I'm bald, I'm halfway there.

• 27:36Speaker 05

  I've, I've constantly tried to make episodes where it's like, how do we make money fast and get evil quick? And I'm like, man, that could be this episode.

• 27:45Speaker 07

  That is the end of my small talk. Yeah. I was a man. It was really hot. Uh, we built a box.

• 27:50Speaker 05

  Well, I was sick. I was sick on my birthday. My birthday!

• 27:58Speaker 06

  You mean Bob and Mandy's anniversary? You were sick on their anniversary?

• 28:01Speaker 07

  No, whoa, it's his birthday first.

• 28:03Speaker 06

  Chronologically, but like, we're leveling importance.

• 28:06Speaker 07

  Don't do that.

• 28:07Speaker 05

  I just want to know if you guys have had any disappointing birthdays, because I gotta tell you. I had everything planned. Everything was so good. It was so sad because like, the people at Cloak were planning me like a birthday surprise.

• 28:21Speaker 06

  Oh no.

• 28:22Speaker 05

  I couldn't show up on Monday because I was sick. And then I didn't show up on Tuesday because I was still sick. And I showed up this morning and it was such an under- Like, uh, they, not for them, but it's like, clearly- This had been sitting there a while and let me tell you is like they I didn't tell them that I was showing up so it was like one of them was writing like oh wait and then they went into my office and they they did something they came back out and I'm like oh yeah I gotta film this like no you well you it was awkward like there but go yeah go ahead and I go in there with my phone I'm like alright here I go and I open the door and I see there's a GoPro on there filming me I'm like oh ah

• 29:04Speaker 05

  And I look around and it was it's decorations that were clearly put up over the weekend and there's bags of Takis like from the roof it's very nice it was very sweet there's faces of me half of them are falling off half of them are drooped out the tape has been pulled one of the bags of Takis is like was on my desk just fall over the string flopped over the side and I looked around there's just balloons kinda like half

• 29:28Speaker 06

  Post-apocalyptic birthday.

• 29:30Speaker 05

  It was lovely. It was really lovely, but it's like, man, oh, man, what a what an and then like they bring out the cake and they're like happy birthday and I'm I'm messed up the others so I don't you know snot on anyone I don't think of contagious business like a best of anyway and then they're like they bring out the thing they light the candles and then they hand me a plate and being like don't blow on it.

• 29:52Speaker 05

  And I'm like I wasn't gonna. They hand me a paper plate so I can wave it on the birthday candles. Yeah, so I did and I did it one shot and I got them all out, but it was really, really, you could tell that the the energy, energy wasn't there as much as it could be.

• 30:12Speaker 06

  Those decorations are are designed to be up on the wall for like an hour tops. There are limits and that's just really unfortunate timing, but.

• 30:21Speaker 05

  Yeah, I'm painting a much worse picture than it was because I think it was only a couple of things that were slightly down, but.

• 30:28Speaker 06

  But I'm picturing Leon going back to Raccoon City and seeing like, welcome Leon, all over the fucking ground.

• 30:36Speaker 05

  One of the employees is dead wearing a party hat saying happy birthday Mark. Dead? Fucking police is dead in a corner.

• 30:44Speaker 07

  When Mark's not around, who knows what happens?

• 30:47Speaker 05

  I just want to hear about disappointing birthdays. If you don't have any, I'm sure you know of someone that's had the worst birthday.

• 30:54Speaker 06

  I have a worst birthday for not me, but it was my birthday. I don't remember how old I was. It was probably early high school. It's probably like ninth or 10th grade. Friends and I went out to like, we used to have like a neighborhood basketball court and pool. So we went out and we played basketball, swim in the pool a bit. And we came back, we hadn't eaten all day. We were starving. We had KFC, I think because we had so many people, we just did like a K, like I was gonna do my, my birthday dinner. Like my favorite meal a different day, because it was a lot more in depth than just getting like food for a bunch of people. So we had like KFC, everyone's like, all right, it's your birthday. You, you get yours first, birthday boy. And I had an unexpected sneeze while filling my plate. I sneezed all over the bucket of chicken.

• 31:32Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 31:33Speaker 06

  Everyone is starving. They're standing behind me with their plates out. And I sneeze all over the fucking chicken bucket. And one of my friends just puts his plate down, sits down. And you'd think like he just lost a family member, dude. I've never seen such disappointment in my life.

• 31:50Speaker 05

  I'm calling this point Kentucky sneeze chicken.

• 31:53Speaker 06

  It was, it's really funny in hindsight, but everyone but me was so just like, fuck.

• 31:59Speaker 05

  Like didn't even cover. How old were you? What was this?

• 32:01Speaker 06

  Ninth grade. It was one of those like you don't even feel coming on. It was just like, I'm gonna, like, just, just hit.

• 32:07Speaker 05

  I've never had that.

• 32:09Speaker 07

  Yeah, I've definitely had ones where I like barely got away. Or I, you're like, I dove out of the way with like, oh, into my shoulder or something. I've never just straight up been like, right on to something like a huge plate of food for the whole party or something.

• 32:24Speaker 06

  It was really good. It was good chicken for me.

• 32:27Speaker 07

  Yeah. Did you eat it all or how'd that?

• 32:28Speaker 06

  I ate a lot. No one else. I guess everyone else was too picky of an eater or something.

• 32:33Speaker 05

  It's really only on the top layer. You just gotta carve that down, get to the bottom pieces. Yeah.

• 32:38Speaker 06

  Except you, you reached all the way down to the bottom for your. Knees down my hand, then reached at the bottom. It's like, here, you guys get the rest. That's the first one that comes to mind.

• 32:47Speaker 05

  Bob, any disappointing or underwhelming birthdays?

• 32:50Speaker 07

  Just gonna be myself and be a jerk and say I my birthday has never been a thing I was that that into like nothing stands out as like horrendous birthdays. I had probably the biggest swing in birthdays between my 30th and 31st birthdays in terms of what was happening. You were at my 30th birthday. Both of you guys were. It was very fun. It's out in California. We did the go-karts.

• 33:16Speaker 06

  I was not there.

• 33:17Speaker 07

  Weren't you there?

• 33:18Speaker 06

  I didn't make it for that one.

• 33:19Speaker 07

  I have a memory of you being there. I guess Mark was the Mark's Mark's there.

• 33:23Speaker 06

  I think I think I think he drove up. I think I think like Ryan and stuff were there. I can't remember why we couldn't make it.

• 33:29Speaker 07

  Yeah, I remember Ryan and Yohann. Anyway, like lots of people showed up. Mandy's put on a big thing for my 30th. It was it was very fun. I had a huge burn on my ass because one of the go-karts I drove at that place, the seat was broken and I was basically my butt was against the engine the whole time I was driving. So I literally had a burn on the side of my ass cheek for like six months after that because it was really deep and really bad.

• 33:50Speaker 05

  Holy shit.

• 33:51Speaker 07

  Didn't care. It was awesome.

• 33:54Speaker 07

  It was really bad. It was it looked like it looked gross for a while. Like I was I went to the doctor and they're kind of like, what the fuck are you doing? I was like, look, man, am I gonna live or what? He's like, yeah, just cover that up. God, that's nasty. But anyway, so that was my 30th birthday was in October of 2019. And then my 31st birthday was in October of 2020. I don't remember the exact circumstances of why, but I don't seem to recall hanging out with anybody or seeing any other human beings in person for what felt like months before and after that birthday.

• 34:35Speaker 07

  Just a real big swing from like my best birthday I've ever had on my 30th to October 2020 birthday. But so it goes, you know?

• 34:44Speaker 06

  I think I had COVID on my birthday in 2020. I think Mull and I were flying back from Arizona and we barely got one of the last flights before they're kind of like shut everything down. Yeah, I think whenever we got home, we were both like, I don't feel so good. We had like a bunch. We had like a stack of those take home COVID tests and we both took one or whatever. And we're like,

• 35:01Speaker 07

  dude, we also got fucking stuck in Santa Fe at the start of COVID and he had a work thing that where it was like she had to go to a conference or something. And we were like, oh, we could go to Santa Fe. We've never been there. It's supposed to be really beautiful. There's like, you know, there's the,

• 35:15Speaker 06

  was it actually though?

• 35:16Speaker 07

  It's, it's cool. Santa Fe is a very interesting place. It's in like, what's it's in the high desert technically or whatever. It was cold because it was in the end of February of 2020. But we like did it and it was nice and we, we were friends with people that she worked with. So like, she did her work stuff, but then we hung out with, with her work colleagues after hours sort of. And we had some good, went out for some fun dinners. It was very cool, but it was literally like we flew home from that. And then the next day, the COVID started. If we had, if it had been a week later, I think, I don't know what would have happened, but we've been fucking stranded in Santa Fe or something. It was just like not close to where we were living in the, in the San Francisco area at that time.

• 35:58Speaker 06

  That time period feels like such a fever dream.

• 36:00Speaker 07

  You guys ever go back and watch Bo Burnham inside and be like, whoa.

• 36:04Speaker 06

  I've still never seen it at all.

• 36:05Speaker 07

  It's such a like time capsule. And for me, it was like such an accurate representation of the like, the way COVID felt as it sort of went on. It's weird to go back and watch it now because it's like a, it's like a flashback. Like it's like a weird trauma flashback thing. But also it's very funny.

• 36:25Speaker 06

  I'll check it at some point. I keep your, I have heard a lot of the songs, but no, I've never actually seen it.

• 36:29Speaker 07

  The songs are most of it. If you've heard the songs, like you've, you kind of get the idea, but.

• 36:33Speaker 06

  This year I spent my entire birthday driving back from Atlanta and there was a really, really bad accident on 75 down near Atlanta, Georgia that caused us like a three hour delay. A bunch of people got like hurt, semis flipped over. I think people died and we were stuck in that kind of traffic and stuff. And that whole combination of things was like, happy birthday.

• 36:54Speaker 07

  Sorry, I'm not laughing at you. You just said like crash car crash, people died. I just imagined you in there surrounded by death and mayhem being like, no one even knows my birthday.

• 37:05Speaker 05

  The hell?

• 37:06Speaker 06

  It was a terrible surprise.

• 37:08Speaker 07

  How are these gonna, how are these guys gonna crash cars on my birthday?

• 37:12Speaker 05

  You drive by the ambulance, yeah, thanks asshole. It's my birthday.

• 37:17Speaker 06

  Who caused this? Who caused this? I just point to a body bag. I flip it off. It's really fucked up.

• 37:22Speaker 07

  Yeah, why would you do that, man? God, jeez.

• 37:25Speaker 05

  It's this crazy thought. You know how some people say like, we should be on a 13 month thing? Like, it should be 13 months and there should be 28 days in a month who would all line up or something like that.

• 37:34Speaker 07

  Yeah, so that the calendar's more like even and yeah.

• 37:37Speaker 05

  What would happen to the people whose birthdays got expunged?

• 37:40Speaker 07

  Oh, fuck those guys.

• 37:41Speaker 06

  Wouldn't everyone's birthday be different?

• 37:43Speaker 07

  October 18th would still be October 18th. I mean, it's whatever.

• 37:47Speaker 06

  Well, would, no, wouldn't you technically shift? Cause if you were born like January 1st to 28th, you'd be the same.

• 37:51Speaker 07

  No, that's what I'm saying is you don't do that. You don't do that.

• 37:53Speaker 05

  Oh, God.

• 37:54Speaker 07

  Dates that are cut off are effectively deleted from reality. Those people might snap out of existence if we did that change, but that's how it should be.

• 38:02Speaker 05

  What if you pick your own new birthday in the new mystery month? Like, there's a 13th month now and then you get to have a special birthday.

• 38:10Speaker 07

  I'm assuming this change, this 13 month calendar change is in, in accompaniment with some sort of revelatory societal change. You could call it your rebirth day, right? Cause you're being reborn into the new republic with 13 months and it's led by, I don't know, the high priest or whatever, some whatever.

• 38:32Speaker 06

  Here's the worst birthday. The day before your birthday, the rebirth happens and you're like, by the way, your birthday's no longer tomorrow. It's like, but I had this whole, hmm, not your birthday anymore.

• 38:41Speaker 07

  I mean, you could still pick tomorrow. It would just be your rebirth day. And you'd have to get it approved by the city council slash high priestess, but like.

• 38:48Speaker 06

  You have to have your birthday approved.

• 38:51Speaker 07

  But, you know.

• 38:52Speaker 06

  Here's the paperwork. Can I please have, hmm, 3rd of June's a bit busy. Sorry.

• 38:56Speaker 07

  Well, I do feel like if we're gonna reassign a bunch of people, you have to pick in the new month.

• 39:01Speaker 05

  Yeah, what, what is even the new month called?

• 39:04Speaker 07

  I'm pretty sure it'd be called New Brewery.

• 39:05Speaker 06

  So you go from like January 30th to 3rd you were, 13th you wereeds?

• 39:10Speaker 05

  Okay, this is, I look on Wikipedia, it says it's Undecember, not December, Undecember.

• 39:18Speaker 07

  Mine, mine are way better. Newtober.

• 39:21Speaker 05

  What's your birthday? 3rd of Undecember.

• 39:24Speaker 06

  Or just like Maine, or Maine's a state.

• 39:28Speaker 06

  Maine, you know, you just call it Maine.

• 39:30Speaker 05

  Maine?

• 39:30Speaker 06

  The 4th of Maine?

• 39:35Speaker 06

  I've got four hours of sleep.

• 39:36Speaker 07

  People who have birthdays on May 4th, who live anywhere near 4th Street in.

• 39:42Speaker 06

  Oh, it's like May. That's why I thought, okay, I feel a little bit better. I was like, man, May really feels like a month. You guys know I share a birthday with Eddie Murphy, Marlon Brando, Alec Baldwin, Kobe Smulders? They don't list me. Whenever I looked up April 3rd birthdays, they don't list me.

• 39:57Speaker 05

  I share a birthday with Elon Musk.

• 40:00Speaker 06

  I dreamed of him.

• 40:03Speaker 06

  Or it was real. I guess I don't know anymore.

• 40:05Speaker 07

  Guys, I share a birthday with Abraham van Rebeek, right? Rebbeek, Rebbeek.

• 40:11Speaker 05

  Rebbeek.

• 40:12Speaker 07

  He was the governor general of the Dutch East Indies from 1709 to 1713. So that's, it's not great.

• 40:19Speaker 06

  Amanda Bynes, Jane Goodall.

• 40:22Speaker 05

  Wait, my fucking birthday is so strange. I share a birthday with someone named Kyler Emery, Elon Musk, me, Henry VIII of England, Mel Brooks. And it's just like, oh wait, what the fuck? Why is, anyway, why is Henry VIII the fourth most famous birthday for June 20th?

• 40:39Speaker 07

  Oh, Zac Efron. So our mom Donnie's birthday is October 18th. What a random thing.

• 40:45Speaker 06

  Is it bad that first, uh, on famous birthdays, they list me as the second most famous birthday with the first name Wade? Wade's not even actually my first name.

• 40:53Speaker 05

  All right, okay. So we're reeling this episode a little bit. Let's shift gears since we got, we're running out of birthday things. What other random bullshit can make me laugh? I'm sick. That was my other thought is I'm sick. Make me, tell me fun stories.

• 41:05Speaker 07

  Look, I had another birthday. It wasn't mine, but it was my fault. Uh, so when Mandy and I got together, I honestly don't remember the full context, but we were looking at like stars in the sky. Like we're just hanging out, talking and we're like, I picked out Orion's Belt in the sky. I believe Mandy did. And I didn't really know much. I still don't really know too much about like constellations, but she picked that out and we talked about it. It was like, oh, that's Orion's Belt. And it became kind of a thing. I'd be like, oh, look Orion's Belt, which we still do on occasion. And so for the first birthday that she had while we were together, her birthday's on Christmas Eve, December 24th. Uh, I was like, I know what I'll do. This will be a great idea. I'll get her a charm bracelet. And I'll get three star charms and it'll be like Orion's belt.

• 41:48Speaker 07

  And that's really cute because that's a thing we do. Great. This will be a great new boyfriend birthday present. And I gave it to her and she was very polite about it, but her reaction was clearly kind of like, oh, cool. And like, I wasn't too torn up because I'm not a very good gift giver, but I'm I'm aware of that. So I was like, yeah, maybe it's not as good as I thought. But we talked about it and I was like, you didn't seem to like your thing like, I can exchange it like, I'm not. If you, there's a better present, I'd rather get you something you like. And she's like, oh, no, it's nice. I just already have like three of these. And I was like, that's weird. Not for me. She's like, oh, yeah, like several other guys I dated before we got together.

• 42:30Speaker 07

  We sort of did the Orion's belt thing and they thought it would be a cute idea. So I like, I have a, I have a bunch of these already.

• 42:39Speaker 06

  She opens a drawer. There's just like falling out bracelets.

• 42:44Speaker 07

  I was like, oh, that makes sense why you would kind of have a weird reaction to that. That's a lot. That makes a lot of sense in the foot. She was very nice about it. Obviously things panned out, but uh, that was, I don't even think she was that upset. But that was really awkward because she had to be like, oh, you know, all those other guys I dated. They had the exact same idea and I'm pretty sure some of theirs were way nicer than those one you got me. So.

• 43:08Speaker 06

  I just love that you all have the same through thread of, yeah, the thing we do is we look for Orion's belt. Just like with Chad and Tom and Michael.

• 43:15Speaker 07

  Never occurred to me that she was setting that up with, it was like a test with every guy that she was with. Look Orion's belt, like see what, see how he reacts when you point out Orion's belt. They all did it wrong.

• 43:26Speaker 05

  Yeah, yours was the best belt.

• 43:27Speaker 07

  She got me a gift that I still wear and use, which was, I don't have it on right now actually, but it's a ring that I still wear frequently and have worn like since she gave it to me and it's very nice. And I got her a thing that I'm pretty sure she threw away at some point in the next three months. Because she already had one and she probably couldn't tell the difference and was like, oh, I should keep the one from Bob. I'll keep this one.

• 43:48Speaker 06

  Takes the drawer, dumps it into a bag, like one of these, that's probably the one.

• 43:52Speaker 07

  Some goodwill somewhere in Cincinnati has like 19 charm bracelets with three stars on them. It worked out. It's fine.

• 43:59Speaker 05

  So I got you a point for that. Anything else you guys got? What's going on, man? What's going on in the world? No, not like that. No, no.

• 44:07Speaker 06

  Oh, okay. What's wrong? Am I ugly?

• 44:10Speaker 05

  Yeah, wait, what the fuck is going on with you, man?

• 44:13Speaker 06

  Oh, a lot, man.

• 44:15Speaker 05

  I don't know if you've looked at the scoreboard lately, but come on.

• 44:18Speaker 07

  Look, this is not going to be freshly topical by the time this episode comes out, but it's still happening. The World Cup has been happening.

• 44:25Speaker 06

  US is playing as we speak, I think.

• 44:27Speaker 07

  Can I just say how delightful it's been to see a bunch of people from other countries around the world coming to the US and fully expecting it to be some like shit hole hellscape filled with assholes that they just wanted to leave. Like they all have, like, everyone has these expectations that are formed just like we do, right? Of other countries that are formed largely by like the news and movies and TV, like media that you watch. And none of that is good at creating an accurate idea of what another place is going to be. And I feel like there's been, there's been people bitching about stuff and like whatever. But there's been a rush of people who are just like, oh my God, you guys, America is fucking great.

• 45:12Speaker 07

  Every American I meet is like the nicest person I have ever met. This place is dope. I love McDonald. And like, there's just this fresh discourse online of people, of people not, non-Americans having that reaction to be like, I thought this place fucking sucked. This is great. I get why you all like it so much. And then all the Americans are like, dude, we've been telling you it's, we're, the government and then the people are separate things, which ironically is the opposite of how it's supposed to be, but that's not what we're talking about right now.

• 45:43Speaker 06

  Did you see the stories of all the people trying to take ranch dressing and stuff home?

• 45:46Speaker 07

  Yeah. It's just been very like heartwarming and that's so fun because I, I, not that long ago, we, I think I brought up the discourse around whatever, like, oh, British people think America's not hot in America and blah, blah, and all this stuff like, I, I'm clearly, I'm a sucker for it. Same as everyone else. I'm not above fighting with other countries and having beef for no reason. But like, When we actually hang out with each other, it's chill. We're chill. You're chill. It's cool. We should, you should come over more. We should come hang out with you guys. It's cool, man.

• 46:17Speaker 05

  I, I've loved seeing all the videos because every once in a while you'll get that video of like, there's, there's a British guy who came over to America for work or something. He's like, what the hell? It's amazed Texas barbecue is unbelievable. And it's like, yeah, yeah, it is. Uh, but uh, if there's, I can't believe how botched like the world cup has been so far in America. And for that opinion to still.

• 46:44Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 46:44Speaker 05

  It's been okay. Like the games have been going on and you know.

• 46:48Speaker 07

  Look, man, we call it soccer. Like there was a fundamental, uh, risk taken, I think by FIFA, letting it happen in a place that we're, where we, we don't call it what a lot of the world calls it, but.

• 46:58Speaker 06

  Our football is the game where we're trying to eliminate the part where your foot touches the ball.

• 47:02Speaker 07

  But we have good stadiums and good food and nice, like it's been, it's been lovely. It's been funny too, to see that, how many people have that experience of, uh, the stereotype where they're like, oh, well, we were staying in New York and we were like, let's just take a day trip down to Disney or something. And then they look at the maps and like, oh, fuck, how many days drive is that? What the shit?

• 47:22Speaker 05

  I, I want to see like videos of people, if, if they've come to the conclusion like, oh, this is why you don't have high speed rail everywhere. And it's like, we could, if we really put effort into it, we, we could, but it's a huge, is a huge fucking effort to make it happen and it'll happen eventually, but way too late and you know, but.

• 47:40Speaker 06

  Yeah. The comments of like people, I think there was someone like in Alabama, like a small town in Alabama. They were just like, this place is crazy. I went to this diner and the food was fantastic. And the people were so nice and stuff like, yeah, that, that has been really awesome to see.

• 47:51Speaker 07

  Plus it's been really fucking hot. I know there's a heat wave happening in Europe right now, which is like a uncharacteristic, dangerous heat wave. But it's been hot enough here too, that everyone's kind of like, all right, everybody knows what hot is like, whatever. Let's stop. That's a stupid thing to fight about. Okay. It's hot here. It's out there. It's hot everywhere. This fucking sucks. Turns out the real problem is climate change. Let's all talk about that now.

• 48:13Speaker 05

  Yeah. I, I hate to tell you this, guys. It was 58 this morning here.

• 48:18Speaker 07

  What?

• 48:18Speaker 06

  I thought you were just gonna be like, "Climate change is false, boys."

• 48:21Speaker 07

  By the time I woke up today here, it was fucking like 90 degrees already and I'm humid. We had like heat advisories going on.

• 48:28Speaker 06

  It is still mid 80s and feels like 90 here at 10pm.

• 48:32Speaker 07

  It's supposed to be hot out in Los Angeles.

• 48:35Speaker 05

  Yeah, no, see, the whole thing about climate change is climates change all over the place. They're all doing different things. We have, however, apparently Super El Nino's on the way.

• 48:47Speaker 07

  Yeah, well, that's it. We talked about it before on the show. Is there's a possibility of a derecho, which I think I said incorrectly last time. Derico? Direct? Was this some crazy shit happening?

• 48:58Speaker 05

  Yeah, there's, it's like, Super El Nino.

• 49:01Speaker 06

  What is a Super El Nino?

• 49:02Speaker 05

  It's something where this band of warm water, it usually stays more towards the Asian side of the Pacific. It can technically form and push almost everything towards the American side of the Pacific and then just create, that's why in LA, there's this legend of this 50-year flood, where the, all the rivers in LA, all the canals can overflow and it'll just be torrential flooding across the land. Might happen?

• 49:38Speaker 07

  Oh, fun.

• 49:41Speaker 06

  At least you guys would have a surplus of non-drinkable salt water.

• 49:45Speaker 07

  Everyone complains when there's fires all over, so we were like, "What's the opposite of fire? They must love that."

• 49:52Speaker 06

  I could tell you, fire's weak to water in Pokemon.

• 49:56Speaker 07

  Yeah, well, that's, that's great. I'm sure nothing bad will happen.

• 50:00Speaker 06

  Did he freeze frame himself?

• 50:01Speaker 05

  I did, I did.

• 50:03Speaker 07

  Oh, that was really good.

• 50:04Speaker 05

  Thank you, thank you.

• 50:05Speaker 07

  You didn't fucking move a single hair on your eyebrow.

• 50:09Speaker 00

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• 50:43Speaker 05

  Anyway, Super L Nino could happen. Weather's, uh, weather's funny. Yeah.

• 50:47Speaker 07

  Funny boo hoo, not funny ha ha.

• 50:49Speaker 05

  The term mega Nino.

• 50:51Speaker 06

  Super secret rare Nino.

• 50:53Speaker 03

  Mega Nino.

• 50:54Speaker 05

  May have contributed the end Permian extinction. So, you know, called the great dying.

• 50:59Speaker 07

  We have the great dying two? Electric Boogaloo?

• 51:02Speaker 06

  Uh, so many sequels aren't as good as the first.

• 51:06Speaker 07

  Dude, even the weather's reaching back for sequels now. What the fuck?

• 51:09Speaker 05

  I'm sure there's plenty of people that know more about the weather than I do. In fact, you know, I, I, I think even Amy knows much more about it. So everything I'm saying probably isn't.

• 51:18Speaker 07

  Even if only some of it's wrong, you're gonna get roasted in the Reddit. We know that for sure. That goes.

• 51:23Speaker 05

  All right. Any other funny things besides our impending doom?

• 51:26Speaker 06

  No, that's about as funny as it gets, I think.

• 51:30Speaker 07

  I have a bounty to claim.

• 51:35Speaker 06

  I gotta do one of these now. You guys are making me look bad.

• 51:37Speaker 07

  I, this is possibly one of the first ones that we talked about when this notion came up. I have a, I was at Wawa and a fan came up to me. I asked multiple times and they were like, yeah, yeah, put it in the episode. That's totally fine. They came up to me and we talked and I was like, hey, do you have a coin? And they got a penny.

• 51:55Speaker 06

  Oh, and it's heads.

• 51:57Speaker 07

  And I called heads. I called heads. It was heads. I won the coin flip.

• 52:02Speaker 06

  I didn't think you had that in you.

• 52:03Speaker 07

  First try, no cheating. You can go to that Wawa and confirm with that person if you need to, but I believe that is my first bounty on the board.

• 52:13Speaker 05

  I feel like that's also, um, the, the coin flip part of it is worth more than just a bounty, if I'm not mistaken.

• 52:23Speaker 07

  Honestly, in the moment, I couldn't remember a hundred percent how it was. I was like, I'm just gonna call it. And if I win, I'm hoping that is the correct thing to have done. Oh, also, I didn't say it. The person, the fan's name was Rexy. Thank you so much, Rexy, for literally going to the cash register and getting a penny so that we could have a coin. Cause I, like an idiot, didn't have one on me.

• 52:41Speaker 06

  Rexy robbed Wawa for your bounty? That's crazy.

• 52:45Speaker 07

  Rexy committed a misdemeanor for me. I better. Get extra bounty points.

• 52:50Speaker 05

  I think that's a three point thing. I'm pretty sure it's it's a higher point thing than is normal. So I'm going to say plus three. There might be even more for that. Um, I can't remember.

• 53:03Speaker 06

  If you guys are going to put in the effort, you can take your points for your bounties.

• 53:07Speaker 05

  Also, we have to spend the official budget for the subreddit at some point.

• 53:11Speaker 07

  I saw one that I think we can agree on. That would be a good first one to dip our toes into. It just came up on this month's post, but people were like, they need a trophy. And I have talked about previously that I was, I wanted to get a trophy, but I never fall through on anything.

• 53:24Speaker 06

  Well, thank God. Me too. Either, both.

• 53:27Speaker 07

  That would be a good use of budget, I feel like, is to get like a winner's trophy. And then I guess we'd have to award it to Mark because he is the current reigning champion. And we just started this new season.

• 53:38Speaker 06

  I never got one for winning the very first season.

• 53:41Speaker 07

  And you still won't. I mean, maybe. I, I, look, I'm not a poet. We could talk about it, but I was imagining it's one where it's like the trophy. You're, you get a little, it's like the Stanley Cup. When you win your season, you get your name engraved on it and then you own it for that next year. The whole thing. But the, the Reddit has to vote and it democracy some stuff or something.

• 54:00Speaker 05

  We will call that the, the episode there. And once again, the bounty slash coin flip has devastated the point balance. We had Bob with half a styro point. There's the sound effect. A point for not being under a rock, a very small cow pie, a man point, rug pull coin, as burn parentheses, bad rebirth fetish.

• 54:25Speaker 05

  I wish, I'm not sure if that's a thing. I can't remember what was in the most recent Dungeon Crawler Carl. But there was a mention of an either rebirth or unbirth because of the kangaroo bit.

• 54:35Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 54:36Speaker 05

  Stuck in my mind since that.

• 54:38Speaker 06

  That made me not want to get into a kangaroo's pouch.

• 54:41Speaker 07

  I already didn't want to do that. I, I was not, I, that wasn't an issue for me.

• 54:45Speaker 05

  I don't know what Matt Deniman's up to on a day to day basis. And you know, a lot of authors like put content in their work. It's like barely just the author's barely disguised fetish. And I'm like, hmm.

• 54:57Speaker 06

  Real quick, real quick, you're kind of the point. Matt, I know you're watching this right now. What the fuck did the Bengals do to you, man? Jack? That's the Bengals character we get? The guy who pisses in the hall?

• 55:09Speaker 07

  That's the most accurate Bengals fan representation in any media I've ever seen.

• 55:14Speaker 06

  Not a single other person wearing like sports merchandise. I'm pretty sure it's been mentioned ever, but they were like, yeah, this fucking asshole Jack and his Bengals hat likes to piss on walls.

• 55:23Speaker 07

  Cause he loved the Bengals.

• 55:25Speaker 05

  All right, and then Wade, you had, uh, Mark con, Styro Survival. There's the sound effect, uh, plus one okay point. Uh, you have a contingency point for surgery that's not yours yet.

• 55:38Speaker 07

  If you injure yourself enough that you need surgery right now, I think it's fair that you get that.

• 55:43Speaker 06

  I think I already did.

• 55:45Speaker 05

  You have Kentucky sneeze chicken. You have Atlanta birthday ruined, uh, and then the month of Maine. So with that, you only have seven points, one contingency. But I think you also have another shadow point that's owed you for something in the future. Uh, those are gonna roll forward.

• 56:03Speaker 07

  I'm sure that won't cause me any problems.

• 56:05Speaker 05

  That'd be fine. All right, seven to 12 and a half points is the score with plus three for Bob's coin flip with a fan. Going into the final wheel spin, it does not look good for Wade.

• 56:16Speaker 07

  There it is. I was trying to get it up, trying to time it nice for you.

• 56:19Speaker 06

  At our age, it's hard.

• 56:20Speaker 07

  You're telling me. Oh, did you mean penis?

• 56:23Speaker 06

  Mm-hmm.

• 56:24Speaker 07

  I certainly didn't.

• 56:27Speaker 06

  All you need is one, baby. Two is good too.

• 56:29Speaker 05

  Two's good too. All right, the, the.

• 56:32Speaker 07

  Oh, not that one, not that one.

• 56:35Speaker 07

  No, no, no, no, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

• 56:38Speaker 05

  I wanna, I wanna add recite the alphabet backwards, closest wins a point.

• 56:44Speaker 06

  I can do it right now.

• 56:45Speaker 05

  You don't have to be perfect, but you have to be fastest, but also most accurate. And then if both of you get it perfect or the same number of mistakes, it would be whoever completed faster.

• 56:55Speaker 06

  We'll remember all that.

• 56:56Speaker 07

  Two spin, baby.

• 56:58Speaker 06

  Come on, daddy needs a new pair of sneakers.

• 57:04Speaker 06

  Oh damn, I should have been meaner.

• 57:06Speaker 07

  I don't feel like I launched any personal attacks.

• 57:09Speaker 06

  You gave me a couple of ribs, nothing crazy.

• 57:12Speaker 07

  I did, I did. I feel like this one is, this one's a kind of a weak one, like we could award it, but also I feel like a respin is not unfair in this situation.

• 57:21Speaker 05

  I don't feel strongly, there wasn't a lot of animosity this episode.

• 57:24Speaker 07

  This is a very amicable episode.

• 57:26Speaker 05

  Let's respin it, respin.

• 57:28Speaker 06

  It's too, it's too late for coins, right?

• 57:30Speaker 07

  It's definitely too late now that a spin is happening. Hey!

• 57:34Speaker 05

  Hey, there it is. Oh, wait, did he say?

• 57:37Speaker 06

  He said I wouldn't, Bob's words were, I don't think a respin would be unfair.

• 57:41Speaker 05

  Okay, alright, I guess we have to flip for that. No, that counts. So you didn't, oh fuck, you don't think a respin would be unfair?

• 57:51Speaker 07

  So a respin would be fair and no respin would be unfair. So if it's all heads, we, we do an extra respin and if it's all tails, we don't respin because that would be making-

• 58:04Speaker 05

  Yeah, if, if it's all, if it's, okay, wait, a respin would be fair, which means you want to respin, so-

• 58:11Speaker 07

  We would double the fairness if we get all heads, right? And then we would fix the un, we would make it unfair if we get all tails. So we would double the spin or we would do no spin. I guess it's so confusing.

• 58:23Speaker 05

  I think it, I think it's the opposite. If it's heads, we do the respin because that would make it fair. If it gets all tails, we will not spin anymore for the rest of this. We will remove all spins.

• 58:34Speaker 06

  I'm too tired to think it through, but that sounds right to me.

• 58:37Speaker 07

  Look, you're, you're the host, man.

• 58:39Speaker 05

  If it was tails, it would, it would be what he's opposite against would be, would be, have to be made doubly fair, but the opposite. But the heads is just to make what you said fair, which would be to spin.

• 58:53Speaker 07

  I guess, even though we were already going to do that.

• 58:56Speaker 05

  What is doubly fair of? Let's go double both ways. We're gonna do double both ways. We'll add an extra spin if it's all heads. We'll do absolutely no more wheel if it's tails. Okay.

• 59:09Speaker 05

  Tails for me, I think.

• 59:10Speaker 07

  I got the lady, I got heads.

• 59:12Speaker 06

  Oh, okay, I'm tails as well. I thought we were gonna.

• 59:15Speaker 05

  Yeah, okay, alright, okay. Alright, we're still spinning it. Well, so this counts, Bob.

• 59:19Speaker 06

  I'm cu- don't call it a comeback. Don't call it a back come either.

• 59:22Speaker 07

  Oh, I always wanna call it a back come. Anyway, spin number two of two.

• 59:26Speaker 05

  The amount of people still go in my chats is like, come amateurs.

• 59:30Speaker 07

  Had the best time.

• 59:32Speaker 06

  I had the time of my life and I owe it all to you.

• 59:35Speaker 05

  He's claiming the best time. Do you wanna give it to him?

• 59:37Speaker 07

  I- I can't disagree. He seemed like he was having a really good time.

• 59:40Speaker 05

  Alright, that's another point away. It doesn't even matter. That's only nine points, so unfortunately, even though he won both spins. Congratulations, Bob.

• 59:48Speaker 07

  I did it. The bounty really secured it for me.

• 59:51Speaker 05

  It really did. It really did. But even without the bounty, I think you still would have won.

• 59:55Speaker 07

  Cause I would have won by half a point with no bounty, but I won by three and a half with it. Is that how that works out?

• 1:00:01Speaker 05

  True, yes. That is how this went down. So congratulations, Bob. Give your winner's speech.

• 1:00:06Speaker 07

  Oh, yes. Oh, it feels like it's been a long time since I've won, but that's probably not true. I'm accustomed to doing so many of these when we were doing two a week that now it feels like we have all these spaces in between our recordings and it's... Anyway, it feels good to win. And it feels really good to get my first bounty under my belt. I'm excited to do some of the more complicated ones. There are ones that involve sending things to you guys or appearing at your houses potentially that I'm really interested in. Keep adding shit to the bounty board because even if you think it's a weird idea, uh, only one of us needs to like it for it to happen. And there are definitely some on there that I think I look at and I'm like, ooh, and I know you guys are not going to wanna do.

• 1:00:46Speaker 07

  I like the bounties. I wanna do so many bounties. I want an episode where the only points are bounty points and I win, cause I did so many bounties.

• 1:00:54Speaker 05

  Alright, that is entirely possible. We can make that happen. We can make anything up. Wade, can you make anything up?

• 1:00:59Speaker 06

  I could.

• 1:01:01Speaker 05

  Alright, short and sweet. Uh, just like me.

• 1:01:05Speaker 07

  We don't have to hash this out. I just had this thought. We didn't make any rules about whether the host could do bounties, did we?

• 1:01:11Speaker 05

  We didn't, technically speaking.

• 1:01:13Speaker 07

  So there's an avenue where a host could technically hijack a series of episodes by completing a lot of bounties and just winning the episodes and continuously being the host?

• 1:01:22Speaker 06

  Host has a lot of power, yeah.

• 1:01:24Speaker 07

  That loophole might exist. We might have created that. And I don't know if there's anything we could do about it.

• 1:01:28Speaker 05

  I mean, technically speaking, yeah, that I don't think there's any rule against it.

• 1:01:32Speaker 07

  Just brainstorming right now. But we shouldn't do that.

• 1:01:35Speaker 05

  It would have to be brought up in the next constitution or the emergency boat episode.

• 1:01:38Speaker 07

  Biennial.

• 1:01:39Speaker 06

  Bi-anal boat.

• 1:01:40Speaker 05

  Anyway, thank you all so much for watching and or listening this episode. I am feeling better finally, so I am healthy once again. I hope you all are feeling healthy out there. If you're not, I hope you rest up and get your health back in order. And you can always look forward to another episode of this. We're getting back into the swing of things, but you know, or not getting back into the swing of things. We have been in the swing

• 1:02:03Speaker 06

  We're swingers.

• 1:02:04Speaker 07

  We're swinging, baby.

• 1:02:05Speaker 05

  Be sure to follow these guys. Be sure, be sure to follow the podcast and look forward to the next episode coming at you at a very predictable time. Have a good day. Podcast out.

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