Distractible
Fortunately, Wade is finally hosting another episode! Unfortunately, he's still bald. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
10,749 words · 6 speakers
Good evening, gentle listeners, all watchers, and welcome to Distractible. This episode, where D Wade avoids fruit worms, marries a seer, and favors Fortuna. Milky Mark converses at Khan's, slays with sunlight, gets blanked by GoPro, podcasts, and becomes giblets. Beanstalk blasting Bob disparages Fockers, grows a godly green thumb, pathetically pall bears, and surfs a storm. From modern feudalism to weeping baldies. Ha ha ha ha ha. It's time for Fortunately, Unfortunately, Part Two.
Now, sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.
Hey, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Distractible. I'm your host, because the last episode didn't count, except for in all the important ways that it did.
That we remember.
Yeah, just because he has the host powers doesn't mean he just invalidated the entirety of the last episode. I don't think, I don't think he can, I don't think unilaterally, I'm pretty sure. Unless we did make it so the host can remove one rule or some per host, I don't remember.
If we get a wheel spin and we can't remember what it does, it can be deleted. It's, I'm sure we'll remember all the rules we came up with, it'll be fine.
And these serfs and fifes vying for my title of king today, competing with one another. Mark and Bob, hi.
Hello.
Serfs and fifes, eh?
Isn't a fif, like a, isn't that a land?
I thought fif was the thing you say before you say five-oh, bum, fuck.
Give him a point. Five-oh, fuck.
I feel like I've actually got a point for saying that exact phrase before.
That's, that's the porno remake.
A hundred percent, yeah, definitely.
Jack and the giant beanstalk, wink.
No, it's just Jack and the giant beanstalk.
Mm-hmm.
And Jack grabs his arms and slides down, scurries up, and slides down. And then he climbs back up, and then he slides down, yep.
Yeah, and then what happens?
The beanstalk gets bigger.
An orgasm.
Oh. Okay.
I see two paths.
Not once you're covered in Beanstalk, come.
Uh, there's not enough pornographic choose your own adventures out there, you know?
You could really set the scene, Mark. Un-un-hollowed ground, that's not the word. What's that, desecrated ground? You could desecrate. You could desecrate all over if you wanted to.
There's a lot of words you could do to taint it. Breathe, desecrate so good. I don't want this. I don't want any of this.
I don't know why it just occurred to me for the first time in my life that that means that you rubbed taint on it and thus it is forever tainted.
How do you taint things? I guess it makes sense.
That's why it's bad. It gets tainted and they're like, ugh.
You can trust him. He knows what he's talking about.
Yeah, I know about taints.
Okay, I didn't know we had an expert.
He's the, the nice one?
I'm the nice one. Come, it's implicit in that. It's a heavy knowledge of taints.
What did you say, uh, last episode, Wade? Come amateurs?
I don't think I said that.
Yeah, you did. I think you did.
I think I remember that. We all remember it.
I'm pretty sure I had the editors scrub that one out.
Well, you don't talk to the editors. We all remember.
Yeah, but I sent a note to the person who talks to the editors.
No, you didn't.
You didn't send Mark a note?
You're right. Oh, yeah. This is officially the beginning of Small Talk, so keep it up.
This is the, this is the new intro, scripted intro for season five, too, so it's gonna be like this every time now. Gonna be a lot of Beanstalk pornography.
That's the theme for this year. It's gonna be a good season. It's a growing season.
It was on the vision board.
I don't know if we could make it three episodes with a theme, much less a whole season, especially if it's Beanstalk porn.
Hmm, I don't know. There's a lot of jokes there. We could milk it.
Do you want to share all of the jokes? Can you milk beans?
You can milk pretty much anything with nipples.
Do beans have nipples?
I'm a bean, Greg. Why don't you milk me?
I don't even know where that reference from.
Did you see they're making a new Meet the Fockers movie?
Oh, is that what that's from?
That's a Meet the, or Ben Stiller's talking about milking the cats. Rob Finner was like, I have nipples, Greg. Why don't you milk me?
This is just the same movie, just they're older now?
Honestly, I don't even remember. I just saw that's in the works and I was like, man, we didn't need that. Just leave that one in the past. Write a new one, guys.
No, they can't. They cannot do that.
I had all, all the Fockers I needed, all encompassed in the first three.
I was in, uh, France for such a short amount of time. I was in Cannes, the Cannes Film Festival. Still not sure what the right pronunciation is.
I think it's pronounced Marseille.
Give him a point.
Who? Himself? Me? No, no, no. I guess I, I don't know.
Whoever just made the funny, you know?
I was conscious in Cannes for about a, a fourth of the time that I was in the air flying back and forth to Cannes Film Festival. It was beautiful. I like, it was tremendous. I can't wait to go if ever I get invited back again. Um, and I was there speaking on behalf of, you know, the movie and it's released on YouTube coming up.
May 31st.
It'll be exciting times. And so, uh, it was, it was very nice, but man, I've never had a back and forth like that. And I hope to never, ever do that ever again. Cause oh my God. Oh my God, that was a lot to do.
Oh, the back and forth meaning the travel. I thought you meant like a conversation where they were just like, so Mark?
Yes.
We have questions.
Okay.
It's not if we asked the questions.
No, no, it wa, it wa, no, no, I ca, I see. I ca, no, no, not like that. It was just a panel. I was there for a panel and then I did like one interview afterwards. But it was, it was nice. It was just a panel with a couple other YouTubers that have had like.
What kind of panel are you only conscious for, for a little bit of it? What did they do to you?
I mean, all the panels that I've done so far. I've very rarely done a panel where I wasn't conscious for it. I guess I wouldn't remember if I hadn't, uh, but it was just, it was a panel and, uh, it was. Just because it was at Cannes and because there's prestige around it, but you, all of us here have been on many a panel. And it's like, there's things in the industry that have a different perspective than like us who have done panels for fans and things like that. Whereas like this is an industry panel with like industry people there. And it's really important that everyone hear these words. And I'm like, but I say these words online all the time. They could go to a video and I could just go, it's not more true because it happens at Cannes. I was like, but it is weird how the industry can work like that.
And there's so much that I could be like, it could be a little jaded, be like, well, we do so on the internet. But also it's like, I get that if the entire world is all about who you know, you know, and not, you know, what your actual experience or expertise is. I guess when you go to Cannes, that's where all the fancy movie people are that are making fancy movie decisions. Or influencing those that are talking about fancy movies. So it was good to go. And it was like, it was because, you know, I'm a sometimes stubborn as a mule sometimes and you two best to drag me along like, it'll be good for you. Come on, come on, it'll be good for everybody. If you just say the words you always say, we know you could say them. Just we're gonna get you on stage, on a good stage at the most prestigious film festival in the world. You can just talk and it's like.
This will be a, I'll complain while they fly me business class all the way there in my big, my big apartment on the plane. Just, I can't believe I have to do this. So I do recognize that like, it's very, it's very cool opportunity. I just was like, whoo, that was a quick turnaround. Woo, that was quick. Yeah. So I'm very tired.
It's pretty cool though.
It was pretty cool. I do want to go back. Kansas was not like any other convention you or I have ever been to where it's not like in a big giant building. It's on the beach. Like my, my panel was literally on the beach. They put up a big like cabana.
Very fancy.
Very fancy. It was super cool. Yeah. And I get why all the rich people went there. It's like, yes, we will show films here on this beautiful beach. And I'm like, they're right. They're right about that. You know, they, they, they, they got the spot right. This is nice.
I was assuming it's because where they invented film. I guess I was wrong on that one.
I don't, is it, is it where they invented?
That's why they call them film cans or canisters.
Oh, I would believe that, huh?
Yeah.
Do they call them that?
I canister. Sure. I believe film comes in canisters. I think that's accurate.
Honey, pop in the canisters. Time to watch Twister.
Mm hmm, mm hmm, mm hmm. Interesting, interesting. Well, Mark went to France, which is fine, but I played God this weekend.
Holy shit.
I created life.
You've already done that?
Yeah. A different life. Uh, no, I, we planted stuff. I just try and make it sound fun. We're gardening with James this weekend. One of the activities was we got some planters and we planted cherry tomatoes and basil and rosemary and some lavender and strawberries, which I'm really not thinking they're going to produce a lot of strawberries, but we'll see. It's fun. I don't think I've ever planted stuff before, which makes me sound like a sheltered loser, I guess, but it was nice. You just dig a hole and just whoop, cover the hole.
Did you put like topsoil and fertilizer and stuff?
No, yeah, we did. We did. We got topsoil. So it is like it's fertilized and we're watering them and the stuff we got is supposed to be very resilient and it's supposed to like a lot of sunlight, which it's going to get, but yeah, we'll see, you know, but it was fun. James liked it. Now all he wants to do is go look at his plants constantly. So he's into it.
I got a gift for a, a rosemary in a jar, home growing kit. Like it's super simple. It's got these rocks in it. It's like, do this. And I followed the instruction and I put it in a window and da, da, da, and it started growing and it like, I noticed he was like going for the window. I was like, oh, it must want more sunlight. So I cracked open the window so it could like have a direct beam of dead.
Like the next day, ah, oh no, that's too much. How do I get the balance? I'll put it, I'll put it outside, but in the shade at a place that always gets shade. And then it just like fucking like brown and flopped everywhere immediately. I'm like, ah, God, it's California. It's the thing supposed to grow here. Oh God.
Maybe the original placement was the best when it was growing and thriving. I don't know.
I think, yeah, it was, I, I assumed it was like, oh, it's thirsty. Oh, it wants to go outside. Oh, it's reaching towards the window. Oh, man.
Mark's out here torturing herbs. What the fuck? I thought I was playing God.
Gotta help.
I just love the idea of the you play, you set it up and the rosemary is like, oh, the sun. Oh, God, then you walk up and you're like, oh, you want more sun, huh? And the world immediately is just like, ah, the death ray, fuck.
It's like the scene from Sunshine where they're in the sunroom and they're like, hit it, turn it up.
Maybe that's what happened whenever the earth got floated in the Bible. Maybe God was like, they're building two story houses. They're trying to get closer to the sun. Oh, water, that'll elevate them. I'll give them some water. That'll lift them up.
Look at those idiots drowning.
Yeah, the most successful thing I've ever grown was as a joke, Coate, I was like, hey, you think this cut in half onion will grow if I plant it in that pot we have outside with nothing in it? The fucking biggest onion, like it was a, it was, it was like three feet tall. The grass shoot that came out of it. Holy shit. And when I pulled that thing, cause it was not a big onion. It was like a little small onion. When I pulled that out of the ground, the bulb was like this fucking big. It was, it was mass. Cause I forgot about it for a year.
Did you eat it? Was it good?
Nah, I didn't want to risk it.
I mean, fair enough, I guess. Fair enough.
I know this is stupidest thing I could ever say when I just grew like the greatest onion I'll ever, it probably would have been fine, but you know.
No, I get that, right?
It was in the ground. It was in the dirt.
Ew, as a person who doesn't grow things, who's amazed that I planted some plants that I bought from a store. Like I understand in principle, but it's weird to me to be like, oh, look, a thing in the dirt.
This is food now. I'm like, I understand that's how it works. And I understand food at the grocery store can be much nastier, right? Cause they like, they pick stuff, it goes into a container, it goes on a train, it's fucking, people walk on it, like who knows what happens? And then I buy it at the store and I'm like, this is clean food. Okay. And it's stupid. But it is just weird when you're not used to it, to just be like, this onion I pulled out of the pot in front of my house? Let's eat it. Let's make fajitas.
Even like apples and like fruits and trees. I'm like, nah, these are, these are wild fruits. They could have worms and stuff in them. I can't trust that.
Dude, they couldn't. I, I had a berry bush in front of my house growing up that we knew what kind of berries it was. And it was always the same. And every year they would start, uh, fruiting and, and my dad would go out and be like, try one. They're good. And I'd be like, what if they went bad over the winter? Like, what if they're not good now? Right? Cause that last year they were fine, but what if they evolved? And now it's going to kill me because I've been eating their babies.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anyway, sick onion, though.
Thank you.
I'm excited to throw away a bunch of cherry tomatoes and basil later this summer.
Well, Bob, I had a thing for you. So you said you'd become God. You created life. I swear to you, I got this text from Molly today. I had a dream last night. Mandy had a baby girl and wanted us to watch her for a while. And everyone gave us a strange look like, why do you have their baby? So when you said you played God and like created life, I was like, my wife is a prophet.
But only of Bob's life.
Molly and I are actually just colluding to really confuse you.
It was, it was good. It was well played because I was like, that's so random. And then you're like, I played God. I created life. And I swear I, my brain, I was like, wait, something, something is not right in the universe. I'm having a call of a recollection of something that I had disregarded. Hey, that's my, that's my update. My life's a secret. I've got nothing to share with you now.
All right.
But next episode, maybe.
Any more, any more updates before I get us into the game?
I got teased by GoPro. I think that they're doing it on purpose.
They show you just a little skin or something?
No, no, it's funny. It, it goes back to like a week ago where I'm like, hey, after NAB, you know, I got back from, you know, my honeymoon. I was like, hey, you know, if there's any way that I could get in touch, you know, with GoPro. And then it's like, oh yeah, here's three emails of people at GoPro that like, they've, they've responded. Send an email to all of them and like, hey, what's up? It's me, Mark Blyer's, my channel.
Nothing. No response.
And I'm like, okay, all right, that's fine. Then a little bit later, I get on a YouTube call. We're talking about the movie release and I'm like, hey, YouTube. I don't know if you have a contact to go. And they're like, yeah, of course we do. We work with them all the time. Oh, great. Can you, can you send in the good word for me? And so I get a message back. This was like six days ago now. The guy who I had met at NAB that was like, yeah, yeah. Well, look at, he's like, hey, what's up, Mark? So good to hear from you. Listen, I'm in London. Inter like the, the service is real spotty here, but I'll send you a block of times that we can talk. In the email. All right, can't hear you.
I'm driving through a tunnel while I type this.
And I said it back, oh, man, it's so good to hear from you. Look, I, yeah, we met at NAB, I believe. And I hope I didn't remind him that we did. Uh, because I, I, he's like, you know, and don't, he was like, don't worry. If you want a camera, we can send you one of our new mission one pros. We'll get you to you. It'll be great. And so I responded back five days ago. Sounds good to me. Can't wait to see it. And yeah, let's chat whatever you have time. Four days ago, checking in on this. Feel free to send me over your times and you're free to talk. I'm headed to cans this weekend, but we'll try to look into it. 23 minutes ago, I sent another email right as we got started. Just got back from cans yesterday.
Let me know if there's any time to chat this week. That you're about to get the, it's not you, it's me message.
Damn.
I feel like I shouldn't have mentioned that we met at NAB. I feel like I just reminded him what it truly was.
He's watching right now and he's like, I blocked that email and he's still talking about it.
Three follow up emails. I get it's a little pathetic or it's very business. I think it might be businessy. It might be.
It's very businessy. That's super business. Yeah.
So I said, I had that crush on that girl in high school and I kept messaging her. It's like, ah, this is pure business.
Please get back to me. Could make love, just saying. Anyway, so don't worry, guys. I'll get one of the new GoPros when it releases in stores.
Well, I thought you prompted me. I found a new thing. I'm getting ready for the bounties. I'm not going to lie.
I thought that was the new GoPro and I was.
Dude, I wish. I wish so hard that this is the new GoPro. You have no fucking idea. No, I was just, I was so hype about this. I love my GoPro and I have the, I have the media cage for it, right? Cause it has the mic and stuff. It's such a pain in the dick on this model because you have to unscrew it, fold the legs out, slide it out of the media kit to change the SD or to change the battery. I found this on the internet. It's a quick release for GoPro. It's the fucking best. It's a fl- you, you take off the original feet and you screw this in, but it still has Feedy McGee's, but then literally you could just like, oh, slam that bitch on there and it's a, it's the best thing ever.
Uh, and the new one, they've moved it. They moved it over to the side, but yeah, it's got all the quick release stuff.
Yeah, the new one's gonna have that. Don't even worry about it. Anyway, that is really funny, but you just made me, I've been literally playing with my GoPro just cause I'm like, God, look, it's on, it's off, it's on, it's off. God, I love this.
They're gonna reach, they're gonna fucking reach out to you.
Listen, whoever works GoPro, GoPro people, listen, I have nothing valuable to offer you. I'm not of, uh, the director of the most popular movie in the world or anything like that, but it would be such a good bit, guys. And if I know anything about GoPro, it's that they appreciate a really good bit.
Bob and I are ready. I have no connection to you whatsoever. I own a GoPro.
Plus I could let Mark borrow it and so he'll probably get off your case.
But we won't because we know that'll be in the terms and conditions of the sponsor.
Here's a review unit. The one stipulation is don't let Mark a buyer touch it.
Say whatever you want. Don't even shout us out, but don't let Mark touch it.
That'd be so funny.
God, man, if I, if I was not me that wants it right now, I would be like, that would be such a funny bit.
The agony of Mark, this, this all happens. Three weeks from now I'm holding it on kit and Mark is like, that's really funny, man. You were right. You were right. It's funny.
God, yeah, cuz it's like they're releasing the the one like in, I don't know, a week and a half or something. But the ILS, the interchangeable lens one is the one I really want. And I just, that doesn't come out till later this year. So there's plenty of time for them to fuck me over.
Uh, we're just, we're put, we're sitting in Olive Branch right now. Bob and I are here.
They're good. They don't listen to this podcast. There's no way.
Unless, yeah, you're right.
That's it. That's all I got.
So I was looking in a lot of my episodes recently. I'm like, man, I didn't get to as many prompts as I thought I was gonna do. So I'm, I've got a part two ready here since I host so infrequently these days. We're gonna go back to fortunately, unfortunately. Yes, remember fortunately, unfortunately. Have no idea if people watching or listening liked it, but I did, so I'm going back anyway.
We don't care what they think. Let's be honest.
Agreed. We decided that the council probably.
I care. I care.
They don't have GoPros to give you.
Hey, hey, hey.
Fuck, man. What the fuck, guys? Come on, man.
Whoa, damn.
Just felt like the right moment.
I ain't marketing it, Cam, that'd be more than.
That's a business class to Cam.
What, what are you bitter about a thing you didn't want to go to?
I know you didn't want to go to that.
I didn't at all. Man, I'm bitter about it, probably.
Weird choice.
To tell people who are watching this episode didn't see the first one. The way this game works is I have a simple scenario. And one of you will lead off and with either fortunately or unfortunately, I'll tell you which one to go with. And you'll say something like, I decided to go for a walk. Unfortunately, I broke my leg halfway through. Fortunately, then the other person will go and start with a sentence with the opposite. So fortunately. And you guys go back and forth through the scenario, one of you trying to make it more unfortunate, the other trying to make it more fortunate. And then we'll finish that scenario. You two will flip your positions and we'll do another one. Hope that explained it well. If not, well, you'll get it by listening. So just pay attention and get off my back.
Appreciate you covered it. That's good enough.
Uh, I guess to decide who goes first, I'll flip a coin. Bob, heads or tails? Which one you want?
Heads.
It's tails.
Okay, trust that flip at all, but that's fine.
What was wrong with that? I think it was all good.
The old catch it off screen, fumble with it, then show it on can't. Yeah, I know what we're doing here.
All right. When you put it like that.
You can challenge it if you want. There are, there are some methods.
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, no, I'm not doing that. It was a trap.
Unfortunately is what you were gonna say.
Did we not change that rule? It wasn't one of our objectives to change how that works, or was it?
I don't think we changed it at all.
Oops, oops.
That's one of my favorite things on the separate is everyone was like, at the beginning of the episode, it's time to trim some fat, add some of the most complicated bullshit we've ever added to the show for the rest of the entire episode.
We really suck at making things easier for ourselves.
Fortunately.
Oh, no, it's my, I go first.
That is true. And it is a fortunately. All right, Mark, your scenario here. On a dare, I became an overnight doctor and you're fortunately.
Fortunately, I was almost a biomedical engineer, so I had some experience in the matter.
Unfortunately, the dare came from a young man who was suffering from incurable cancer and thought that maybe I could save him.
Fortunately, I know what cancer is, so I started Googling and let me tell you, I got a lot of results.
Unfortunately, the AI summary told me that all I needed was tea tree oil and some incense to treat what I, what it thought was a case of fungalitis.
Fortunately, incense also is used in funerals. So when he passed, I was ready.
Unfortunately, I was asked to be a pallbearer and I overestimated how heavy the casket would be. So when we lifted it up, my side went woo.
Cause it was a much lighter weight than I thought it would be.
Fortunately, it was one of those African funerals where they do the dances and things like that. So everyone else just got into it and we just started going and twirling and flipping it around and everyone was really having a good time.
Unfortunately, when we got to the hole that had been prepared for the casket, LeBron James decided to play defense for the first time in his entire career. And when we went for the dunk, he blocked our shot.
I don't know anything about basketball. I'm reaching here. He's good. I assume he's good. So he doesn't play defense. Is that a stereotype? I don't know.
Yeah, yeah. I think, I think this is probably, it's as accurate as I know from my entire time learning from Tyler, how sports works.
Yeah. Mark's on a sports podcast. I trust Mark.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. Fortunately, I was on a sports podcast, so I knew who he was and I was able to interpret his movements as basketball moves. And so
I then resumed my expertise as doing commentary on the sideline and I started a podcast there on the spot and I got so many views.
Unfortunately, I kept getting feedback from listeners that they were running out of money and thus unable to continue supporting the sports betting platforms that were making me so wealthy.
Fortunately, there's always more suckers out there that are willing to listen whatever slop I give them. So I just started getting all these guests who say they've been shunned or canceled for one reason or another. And I say, a name's a name. Get them on my podcast. I'll give them a platform. So I got all the audience I needed.
Unfortunately, my audience listened to me and did exactly what I said. No matter what it was, no matter who I had on the show, they took it as gospel, hospital.
That's what I'll call my new hospital. Straight to the gospito.
They took it a straight gospito and it sent him straight to the hospital.
Fortunately, I've lived this lie of being a doctor for so long. I just took over the gospito and started praising the Lord on the way to health. And honestly, business has never been better. Can I end it now? Or do you want, Bob, you want to dig some more? You're the, oh gee, nah, you gotta stop. You have to kill this. I think I shall. Um. I like it when the rounds end with a gunshot.
Uh, Bob, we'll start with fortunately again, because otherwise you're just the same role as you were last time.
Yeah, I don't want to be a bummer. Come on.
Against all odds, I became the leader of the entire planet. You became the leader of the entire planet.
Fortunately, I had been assuming that would happen at some point in my life, so I was completely prepared.
Unfortunately, to be leader of the entire world, we had to pick a location and it was up to popular vote and they picked the middle of the Himalayan mountain chain.
Fortunately, there's good air up high. So even though it's remote, I'm living pretty good up here in the Himalayas.
Unfortunately, every time a diplomat tries to visit my office, they, half of them end up falling to their calamitous demise.
Fortunately, I invented the internet. You may have thought it was invented previously, but I invented it for realsies. And now everyone just emails me. Another invention of mine.
Unfortunately, they might be good air up high, but there's poor reception. I am trying to get emails and I keep wandering around the mountain like this with my phone, hoping to get a connection. When are they gonna get those damn fiber lines up here?
Fortunately, as the leader of the no longer free world, I can recruit as many phone wanderers as I need. So I have a whole army of idiots holding my clones of my exact phone around, wandering the Himalayas. It was basically statues to my need for cellular reception, just scattered around the vicinity.
They all just go, hello?
They slowly freeze to death, yeah.
Yeah, they don't get jackets.
No.
Unfortunately, while I was hoping for signal, I missed some important messages about some war or some people rebelling against me not making the world free anymore or something like that. Anyway, some rockets are now midair or something.
Fortunately, I am in the mountains, which is it's really difficult for missiles to find their way into the mountains. The tall rocky peaks screw up their GPS signals and they get lost like that Uber Eats driver with your burrito. So I'm probably fine.
Unfortunately, my army of phone holders all seem to be triangulating my position. Pretty much every GPS satellite is focused on this mountain peak at this exact juncture, and I can see the missiles on the horizon.
Fortunately, several of my phone wanderers froze in comedic falling down positions and are vaguely in the shape of a toboggan. So I lashed several of them together and ride my phone wanderer toboggan down the mountain to the valley of safety.
Unfortunately, their phones did freeze into their toboggan final form and the missiles are seeking out the signal. And so I am simply leading the missiles down the slope.
Fortunately, I have the snowball making and throwing prowess of Buddy the Elf after years of living in the Himalayas. So while we're careating down the slopes on my toboggan, I'm firing a literal Gatling gun of snowballs into the herd of missiles that are following us and causing them to slightly deviate from their course and crash into each other and some of them are exploding.
Unfortunately, while I did manage to like disperse most of the missiles, their chain of explosions, some nuclear very impressively, have caused an avalanche. And in fact, the entire top half of Mount Everest is sliding down towards me at high speed.
You stay out of this, Wade.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm sorry. Were you trying to end it?
If you got one, you could go, but I was gonna, I was like, okay.
Passively end it by sheepishly interrupting me?
Oh, I want to see where this goes.
All right, well, I was giving you a moment to see if you had something, but if you didn't.
Oh, we got, we got.
Also, toboggan is a sled, but there's also a toboggan hat. It's a term used in the American South, apparently.
I think a toboggan is much more broadly and commonly a sled.
Not in my stupid brain.
You're not from the American South. Ohio is in the North.
We border the South.
What?
Kentucky was the South.
I mean.
Uh, Civil War lines, may I remind you?
Sure.
North v. South, where was that line? The Ohio River.
Sure, sure. Do they call them that in Kentucky? Are they, is the hat a toboggan in Kentucky?
Clearly, it must be. Exhibit A, I thought a toboggan was a hat.
I, I'm engrossed in this story. I want to see the leader of the non-free world get out of this. It's such a daring situation. I want to know.
Sorry, Bob. Back to you. There's an avalanche.
Fortunately, I know how to surf. And an avalanche is basically a snow wave. And a toboggan is basically a snow surfboard. So I hop up like a cool guy on my surf toboggan and surf the avalanche down the remainder of the mountain to go even faster to safety.
Unfortunately, while this did work in every way that I, I just described, the bottom is not covered in snow. So I am hurtling towards the ground at double the speed of sound and triple the speed of those nuclear explosions, which are remarkably slow. Uh, and I will, uh, inevitably crash and explode into giblets of blood and gore as I hit the bottom of the valley.
Fortunately, at the moment when I was about to smash into the ground and be turned into a fine pink mist, my reflexes kicked in and I was pulled out of that layer of the dream up one level in, back into the 15 passenger van that we were all actually sitting in, falling off of the bridge. And I looked at Leonardo DiCaprio and he said, we gotta go. Craprio. Craprio. It's legally distinct from any real people who might exist and have very similar names or roles on their IMDb webpages.
Unfortunately, while I did wake up from there while I was bored on my mountaintop in the eternity of time I spent as leader of the non-free world, I accidentally started spinning one of those little topswalls up there and I didn't stick around long enough to see if it stopped. So in my subconscious mind, I still think I'm in the dream world and that will inevitably lead me to take my own life.
Hi, game? Is that it?
Who's the host here?
Well, you guys have been very insistent. I don't know, you know?
You need confidence, man, confidence.
I've not been the host in a while. I've forgotten how to be forceful, guys. Come on, give me a break.
I haven't done improv in a minute, but I'm pretty sure when we clapped and the scene, we don't go, "Well, everybody? No? No? Okay, he's going."
All right, all right, fine. You guys are the crap real all over my hosting. It's cool.
We wouldn't have gotten to Craprio if you'd have stopped it so soon.
Yeah, you were gonna cut off to Craprio.
I'm glad I didn't. See, this is why I was such a good passive host.
You could cut that off. You could talk to the editors, man.
Editors, make me look like a better host. Wow, thanks. All right, Mark, you're leading this one.
Somebody asked me if a taco was a cannoli.
Fortunately, I'm an expert on the subject, and I told him the exact definition of a cannoli in exacting detail so that there was no question or possible doubt as to what that answer would be.
Unfortunately, the person who asked me the question originally was Wade. So after I finished a very long, detailed, accurate, and explanatory explanation of what exactly a cannoli is and answered his question perfectly, he looked at me dazed and said, "Sorry, what?" I was singing Shakira in my head to myself.
This accuracy doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
Fortunately, I gave him a compliment, and that's the easiest way to pawn him off. So he still gave me points for my contribution, and the audience won't know the difference, and neither will he.
Unfortunately, when he laughed at how good my compliment was, it changed the angle of his head, which just so happened to catch the bright, blasting sunlight and reflected directly into my eyes, permanently blinding me temporarily.
Fortunately, because I gave that qualifier of temporary permanent blindness, I was able to recover, but not before I played it up for points. And I really hammed up the fact that his shiny, shiny head caused me blindness, therefore getting me headline upon headline about how podcast host Mark was blinded by friend.
Sorry, just laughing. It was a good, it's a good one. Unfortunately, we eventually circled back to the actual question that Wade had originally asked, and I had to inform him, once I made sure he was listening, that cannolis are indeed tacos, which he hates.
Fortunately, he wasn't listening then either. In fact, I'm pretty sure he wasn't listening the entire episode and possibly even now. So, me and the other host, whatever his name is, just went on and started doing our own thing, coming up with our own bits, not really paying attention to any of the rules that he inevitably tried to force on us. And the episode turned out way better for it. Like, the audience was all, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a better idea, yeah."
Unfortunately, you can't legally call something a podcast if it doesn't have three hosts. And upon this series of events, for some reason, Wade threatened to quit the show altogether, thus ruining our podcast.
Fortunately, I know some people at the League of Ordinary Podcasts, and they really are okay with us supplementing literally anyone else that's bald in there, and people won't even know the difference because they all look the same.
Unfortunately, it gets to all odds. Wade is the only bald person I know in the entire world. So, the League of Ordinary Podcast's stipulation that it must be another bald person was really tricky, and I wasn't sure if we could overcome it.
Clap! Oh, I thought you were applauding how good this was.
No, I was forcefully ending the scene. The scene was so good, he was giving us raucous applause.
I even got Shia LaBeouf in an audience seat way back there who was sending up the clap tune. I had to stop him and say, "Not yet. The singing portion hasn't happened." That's right, I forgot the rest of this is a musical, guys.
Oh, so you have musical samples prepared?
Two-sentence musical horror stories. No, you used to play music, Bob. Just play something. I don't mind hot music. I can do it.
I mean, I'll do it, but... When you wake up in the morning...
The hell! The hell! The hell!
Now that we've been posting clips again, which, you know, we should do, because if we were good podcasters, we would do that, which we don't, but whatever.
Nah, whatever. Nah, uh, who watches clips?
This is why we only get to contact League of Ordinary Gentlemen, or Pod- whatever the fuck you said. League of Ordinary Podcasters.
I guess Loop? League of Ordinary Podcasts?
Bob, you're a- this one, how could this one possibly go off tangent? You guys, you guys will be focused on this. This is a whole fun D and D-like scenario. "Your gaze turned toward the wizard trying to destroy you."
Fortunately, I already had my weapons drawn, and my shield had a plus-one magic defense.
Unfortunately, his staff comes at a natural plus-three in magic offense, so I was on the back foot. Additionally, given that he was already looking at me, I noticed his lips moving. He was mid-cast. I was basically screwed.
Fortunately, he wasn't far enough away to avoid my heroic leap attack, so I just went for it and just...
To attack him with my sword.
Unfortunately, I didn't know that he was one of the most preeminent wizards of levitation spells, and he caught me mid-air as I was jumping, and I just started going, "Oh, oh, oh, man!", and my sword fell out of my hand, and I just looked really embarrassing. And I was like, "Oh, God, not only am I gonna die, I'm gonna die real ashamed. Hope no one's phoning- oh, my God, someone's taping me right now. Oh, God, I'm being streamed."
Someone's phoning me.
Oh man, and I said phoning wrong. It's really embarrassing. Oh God, I'm so embarrassed.
Fortunately, one of my favorite hobbies is my, uh, what are those puppets called? That I know all so much about? With ventriloquism. One of my favorite hobbies is, uh, practicing with my ventriloquist puppet.
And so I start in on my routine immediately when I realize I'm trapped in midair. But I am both the human and the puppet in this scenario.
Unfortunately, the wizard didn't really get what I was going for. Even though I was really giving him all my ventriloquisms and I was like, I was doing the delayed talk. I was doing the talk after I talk, you know, throwing my voice over here and there. And, and he was just like, I'm just gonna blast you anyway, as if he didn't care. It's like he didn't even care I was giving the performance of my life. It's like he didn't care.
Fortunately, I had one move left. I dramatically took my ventriloquy hand up in the air and then hooked it around and reached up my own ass to make it crystal clear exactly what bit I was doing right now. So that the wizard had to start laughing and appreciating my jokes.
Unfortunately, while the wizard started to get it and he gave me one of those like, uh, yeah, that's kind of felt worse. Like he, I, I now get that he understood what I was going for. It's just like, it was like a pity laugh and I was just like, oh man, now my hands all the way up here. And that's all I get. This is how I died. I'm being phoned right now. Aw, man. Again, embarrassing.
Well, unless you want to keep going. You said that was your last trick. So I thought it was your last one, Bob. You good?
I have lots more tricks, but you can end it if you want. That's up to you.
I shall take it here.
Aw, man.
Because, I mean, it felt like a pretty good button. Listen, as someone who likes laughs, you take the pity laughs even if you don't like them.
Yeah, I'm never gonna turn away a pity laugh.
Uh, do you guys want to do one more? You guys want to stop there?
Yeah, what was that more?
Uh, Mark, you start this one, right?
Yep.
Yep. A night on the town is exactly what I needed.
Fortunately, it's exactly what I needed and I feel very rested. I feel restored. Going to that comedy night, hitting the bars with my friends. I had a great dinner. I even got some girl's phone number. It's great. Life's great. I won't call because I'm married, of course, but you know.
Mark you dog.
What a dog. He's got that dog in him.
We talked about what the.
I don't know if we did or not, but probably.
Yeah, we did. I'm sure. Yeah.
I'm sure we talked about that. Who needs context? Unfortunately, while the comedy club was fine, the town I went out on was Dayton, Ohio, which if you don't know about Dayton, Ohio, it's not a great town.
Fortunately, while I was there, I picked up a few pamphlets about how to improve my local community. And even though it may not have been my local community, I can always lend a helping hand. And so for the next few weekends, I volunteered again and again at various places to help the town with all of its needs.
Unfortunately, I didn't realize until the end of the first month of all of my volunteer hours that what volunteer means is is not paid labor. I assumed I would be earning a paycheck for all of that hard work I put in. And let me tell you, I gave them quite the earful about that when they told me I would in fact not be getting paid.
Fortunately, they listened to my earfuls and they changed the town's policy so that all rendered services for charitable purchases purposes must be paid. That's what they're gonna call it now charitable purchases because you know, all labor must be compensated. And I think that's gonna do wonderful things for the community.
Unfortunately, business leaders immediately saw the flaw with this new legislation and moved on from tricking people into working for them with charitable contributions to the next level of quasi charitable, non contributory labor.
It's as confusing as it sounds.
Fortunately, in all of my meeting people and my fun night on the town, I happened to meet the CEO of every business that worked and headquartered in Dayton, Ohio, of which there are many and very prestigious. And I got lucrative deals in all of this charitable, non-volunteer-volunteer work. And I got a cut of everything as the person that introduced the legislation and the person on the board of all the companies that found a way to find every loophole in it. I am loaded with money.
Unfortunately, the money stopped coming in. Once we realized that we duped every loser in Dayton into working, not working for us for unpaid paid labor. And I couldn't convince anyone that it was worth going to Dayton, Ohio, just to earn some money.
Dean.
Take that, Dayton.
I don't know if Dayton's in any better shape than we started, but you know.
I was just gonna say, fortunately Dayton's the Goshen of Cincinnati. And that means that there's a vestigial body.
There are four people who get that joke. And three of them are in this call. I don't even know if Bob gets that joke.
You get that joke. You get that joke.
What, the Goshen joke?
Yeah, I get that.
Okay, I don't know if you know Goshen.
Yeah, you get that joke. Everybody gets that joke.
They got a pay lake in a La Rosas?
Pay lake? What the hell kind of thing?
They got a pay lake. I used to go fishing over there. You had to pay to fish.
Is that a good thing or a sad thing that they have a pay lake?
I don't know, man. I'm just saying what they they got a pay lake. They got some they got a La Rosas. So, you know, take it for what it is.
Nobody has La Rosas.
The Holtzman's Donuts over there. Shout out to Holtzman's Donuts.
I gotta save that in my book for bits, do you?
They got a pay lake.
They got a pay lake?
They got a pay lake. They do.
That's such a redneck thing to say, too. That's great.
It's like a toboggan hat, you know?
They got a pay lake and a Coors Light vending machine.
I go there on my honeymoon.
All right, Bob, you lead this one off. The family and I arrived at the zoo as planned.
Unfortunately, after all these years, I was expecting to walk in and find my favorite animal at the zoo, Harambe, living it up and in his enclosure, just like he always did.
That was fortunately.
Oh, wait, am I fortunately?
You're fortunately, yeah.
You sure were.
Fortunately, that was just a joke. Fortunately, it was a beautiful day and the weather was perfect. Great for zoo stuff.
Great for seeing my favorite gorilla, Harambe.
Unfortunately, the rogue hit squad that is the zookeepers of Cincinnati Zoo are were feeling extra itchy today and I, they were out on patrol with their rifles, looking for something or someone to shoot. And they spotted me walking down.
This episode's being called Unfortunately, There's a Sequel. That's what the name of this is.
Fortunately, I had chosen not to wear my favorite Harambe costume that day. So they didn't mistake me for a zoo animal that they needed to take out.
Unfortunately, all the TV screens around me suddenly slipped over to an announcement saying, "The zoo purge will begin in five minutes. All animals will be released to purge their sins. Find, seek shelter, or good luck." Oh, no, it was animal purge and I was in the middle of it.
Fortunately, I had had this dream many nights leading up to this day. And I knew that where we really needed to go was the pachyderm house. Like a fortress built out of limestone, I knew that if we could get into the pachyderm house, we would be safe.
Unfortunately, the pachyderms, which are elephants, if people didn't know, are the richest of all the animals. And so they were preparing themselves to expunge all of their own frustrations and also guarding their house with extreme high cost security measures. I was walking into the most dangerous place I possibly could, but maybe there was a chance.
Fortunately. I got my wife and kids to go in front of me. Because I was like, ah, they're chasing us. I'll keep you safe from behind. So they walked into the pachyderms defenses first.
For me.
That is fortunate, that is fortunate. Unfortunately, despite my family's noble sacrifice, and yes, they did absorb all of the bullets that they had in their sentry guns. There was a locked door at the end of the hallway. What was I gonna do? Probably can't get anything right.
Fortunately, I happen to subscribe to the lockpicking lawyer on YouTube. And I've seen him pick hundreds of locks. Some of them with a simple can of Diet Coke. Some of them are as easy as just whacking it on the ground at the right angle. So despite having no actual experience or tools in my possession, I knew if I could find a bobby pin and something else, I could get right through that locked door.
Unfortunately, as I opened the door, I suddenly realized why the defenses were active and the door was locked. As I came eye to eye with the family of pachyderms that was there sheltering for safety. And they all looked at me.
Fortunately, in this universe, finding Nemo rules apply. And I realized I could probably speak pachyderm. So I put my hands up as a sign of pacifism and I said,
And they believed me?
He's using too many fortunes.
Yeah. Unfortunately, I said that last part as a question and the answer was no.
Well done, guys. This was, this was an episode. Uh, you guys had some no butt moments. You had some yes ands. It was a good.
No, I was very, very particular about not no butting. I was accepting all of it in.
I may have no butted a few times.
It's alright.
Therefore, we no butted a few times, but it was good. It was good.
We, comrade.
Alright, let me go through the points here. Bob, you got points, uh, points for, give him a point. Green thumb, decreprio, uh, leader, description of me. I don't know what I was starting to write here, but all I wrote was men.
Men.
Just men.
I got the men point. I'll take it.
Oh, mean. I think it's supposed to be the word mean. You were both being means. You both got mean points.
Those are very different words.
Plus one magic defense. My favorite hobby. That thing with puppets?
Yeah, I got there. I got there.
Puppeting yourself with your own hand. You got the night on the town point. Fortunately, a joke.
Fortunately, a joke?
Oh, yeah, cuz you started off with like the unfortunately on the last star. You're like, unfortunately, that was a joke.
Oh, right.
Pachyderm. Uh, hut, I think. I don't know. Pachyderm something.
House?
House. That's the word I wrote. And your elephant noises. Mark, you got points for, I see two paths. Callback. You were in cans. You wasted, in all caps, like GTA style, an onion. Go pro? Or like, go no? Cuz you're not gonna get one.
Oh, come on, man.
League of Ordinary Podcasts. You are mean. Phoning me?
He's, when he was getting recorded, he was like, they're phoning me. Oh, no.
Oh, oh, yeah, they're phoning me. You were trying to fix Dayton with charity work.
Uh huh, yeah.
Then you got a charity point. Zoo purge was really funny. Uh, and zoonarios. I don't know. You got another zoo point. Right now, that brings the total. I probably should have been counting. Thirteen points for Bob. Eleven points for Mark right now. So Bob is ahead by two going into the wheels.
Didn't feel like I was gonna be ahead, but I'll take it.
Did I get a cans point?
You did.
You did. Cause I remember thinking, oh no, somebody let him out. Anyway, wheel spin, huh? How many spins will we spin?
Please be over.
One.
Damn. Damn.
Well, either I'm gonna win or something really bad is gonna happen.
All right. So the list, I'm going to listen to my nephews, my mom, my in-laws and remove the last time we had sex from the wheel.
Well, no, you can't just remove. You gotta remove. Wait, can't how, what were the rules to remove?
We literally said that in the council episode. We could start removing stuff if we wanted to.
No, if it came up and we didn't know what it did, we can remove it. That was the official ruling.
I thought we could remove too in general.
Look here, how about this? How about this? Your motion is on the table. We'll put it to the subreddit congressional panel. If that is the thing we decided, they will correct us and this will be retroactively removed. For now, we're gonna leave it, but we'll say if it comes up today, maybe we don't remember what that means.
We'll all pretend like we don't know what that means.
The most unambiguous winner wheel thing in our history and no, I don't know what that means. Couldn't mean anything.
And you guys can lie if you want this particular one removed.
You know, I think when it was proposed, the rule was actually who got laid most recently, and that could have multiple definitions. And I think someone wrote it in as sex.
I think you put it on the wheel, didn't you?
I'm the only one who has ever put anything on the wheel.
Well, no, no, you wrote it. I think, I think Mark proposed it's what I'm saying.
That's what I'm saying. That's why I think it was who got laid most recently, but you know.
I don't know. I'm not the one who wrote it, so I couldn't tell you.
If it's inaccurate, who got laid most recently?
Laid off.
Yeah, that could be anything.
Wade, what are, what are we adding?
Let's go with, uh, healed the world the most since the last episode. You know, right? Since the last episode.
Oh, that's so nice.
This could be like, like Bob planted stuff, you know, he's contributing to, uh, creating life. Uh, it could be doing like charity work.
I definitely didn't. The amount of jet fuel that was burned on my flights to and from. It wasn't a private jet, but hey, I was sitting there in business class. You know, they, they have, I, you know, I never know what the difference would be business and first is. I mean, business crowd, I don't know what it could possibly be more. Cause it's like, you got the life flat seat and everything, but there's like four first class seats behind a partition up there. And I'm like, what could they possibly be giving them? Yeah. I guess somebody all know.
Well, now you gotta fly that next time and tell us.
It's actually just where they put the suitcases and shit and they just call it first class just to create the mystique of like, I didn't even see anyone go in there. They're like, what?
They're always sold out. So you can never get one, but you always want. Interesting.
All right. Spin number, the only one. And I'm sure nothing bad will happen.
That's a point for Wade. You know, I don't remember what that means. Do you remember what we meant when we wrote that down?
Hey, that's a weird one.
All right. So, uh, by default, before anyone can vote on this, the winner is Bob.
And subreddit, don't forget you have, you have a duty. You, you must review Wade's request to remove. Did we say that hosts can remove stuff or is it the thing that Mark and I said, where if it comes up and we don't remember, I'm pretty sure it's what Mark and I said, but.
I believe it's the don't remember thing, but I think we need, just need to give the subreddit more congressional power.
This is a democratic republic podcast.
Yeah, exactly. And eventually they'll need to vote for their representatives and we'll have an electoral college of the subreddit that will fairly.
There's too many people for a direct vote. The technology doesn't exist.
This is our podcast, democratic comrade.
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Exactly.
We podcast, comrade. Or, so wait.
Everything's fine. I thought I actually just shut my computer down mid-recording.
You might have.
I just almost did. That was almost, whoopsie.
Ooh, it's like a wizard.
What, do you have a big button on your desk, the only function of which is to turn your computer off? How do you almost shut your computer off?
I set my, my point score thing on like the Windows button and my mouse just happened to be hovering over where shutdown was. It was a real comedy of errors that happened there.
That's the most sincere shock I think I've ever seen you display. Ooh.
Shocking. I was like, oh no, not like this.
Ooh.
Mark, loser's speech. I feel that there are many things in life that will come at you hard and fast. And so I say avoid those things. Take the soft path, take the void, the road of avoidance. And though I have lost today, this has nothing to do with this speech at all. I'm using it as an opportunity to guide you towards the cushy life. I got a taste of it. It was great. I will do anything in my power to chase that high again and again and again. And so it has ruined who I am, but I am passing that ruin off to you, our lovely audience. Enjoy the ruin, audience.
Bob, winner's speech.
I honestly, I'm a little surprised. I felt like I wasn't winning. And then we got to the edit, I was like, oh, Mark's gonna have a strong lead. And then the numbers just came, I, I don't know if there was cheating or if people were stuffing ballot boxes or what happened, but you know, I'm not gonna ask questions. I'm just gonna take the win, smile, just, just, just assume peaceful transfer of hosting duties and it's gonna be great. Be great for everybody.
Well, accused and said, I suppose.
Accused too. Who, who accused? No accused.
Stuffing on the ballot, I mean, the only purpose of putting stuff in the ballot is me, so if they're stuffing the ballot box or...
Hey, you know, you can, we can insinuate corruption all you want, and he's not declaring it.
Listen, my name might be Jerry Mander, but that doesn't mean I do anything illicit.
I don't know who that is.
Then just call me Mr. Mander. You can follow the podcast, probably should. We just celebrated five years of making episodes together, so there is and or was new merch. So check it out. There might still be some. I doubt it, but there could still be some. Go follow the guys, Bob at MySkrum, Mark at Mark, me at Minion777, or LordMinion777. What?
It's sold out.
There is not merch, but there will be more merch soon, probably. Iron Lung, when is it coming out?
May 31st on YouTube. If you've never gone to YouTube for buying movies, you can.
So do. For Iron Lung, which, I mean, I'll seriously like do. It was a really good movie. I think you did a great job on it.
Uh, and compared to how the industry works, the fact that you succeeded in not only making an amazing movie, but having the success you did still blows my mind. So if you guys continue to support it, changing the world, it's on the wheel now. We want to change the world, so let's do it.
Thank you kindly.
That's it for me. Stay tuned for the next one. Bob will host, give us a banger, and we'll keep it going. Until then, podcast out.
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