Distractible
Bob and Wade make everything terrible for Mark. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
9,361 words · 4 speakers
We do now.
It's the office intro with our faces over each of the characters.
Oh, we're gonna get sued.
And Steve Carell, we leave Steve Carell.
Right, of course. None of us could replace him.
Now introducing special guest.
Never mind. I don't think they did that in the office where they go, and now our special guest.
Are you sure? Pretty sure. Season 14, episode 2.
It's been a while since I watched it, so.
Michael comes out of his office and goes, that's what she said. And someone goes, oh my god, Steve Carell, special guest Steve Carell.
Oh my god.
So realistic.
Very realistic. Just like this podcast. It's almost like we're really here. But no, we're agentic.
Oh, yeah, I have agency.
Yeah, do you? Are you sure?
I am agentic.
Okay, Bob is agentic.
I thought you were an aphrodisiac. That's not the word. I thought you.
You keep thinking, man. You keep thinking over there.
Oh, I could be both of those.
Yeah, get those thoughts churning, man. It's almost gonna be your turn.
Bob, you're my aphrodisiac.
Torbeck can make you feel all kinds of things.
Torbeck, you sound different.
That's how he always sounds. Shut up. Torbeck is here and depressed as usual.
I feel like he's in the room.
Not all of us are talented and accomplished voice actors. Actually, none of us are.
I think you are. I think you could do that one.
It's just Torbeck. Stop showing off, god. Oh, it's not showing off to Torbeck.
Let's not. I think he was right about that.
Oh, look at me. I am Torbeck. It is great to be here in the Berg with you.
Introducing Ethan as Torbeck. Wow.
Special guest, guest Ethan Nester?
Ah!
Nah! Alright.
List point, list point. I'm sorry, Bob. We're being unfair to you.
I'll just be quiet for the rest of this one. Ethan, take my spot.
Alright Ethan, everybody welcome. Special guest Ethan.
Ethan Nester.
Ethan Nester. What's up, my cranky crew? Oh, there's no S's in there, so don't.
Is there a rule about calling yourself out if you say something?
I don't think so.
I don't have to call myself out or yourself out?
Did someone say the word? Bob, did you say it?
No, he said it.
I said it. I, I said it.
He said that you all are being the you word to me.
Yeah.
Well, now we have to do it, but I don't even know what for.
Well, I, I didn't know if I, well.
If you enjoy, just shut your yap hole.
Well, we get yelled at a lot for not noticing, and I noticed, so I didn't know if I had to notice.
I think he is saying that you were being unfair for making fun of me for lisping or for not being able to do the Torbeck voice. I'm not sure. I don't know what his point was.
Just in general, you know, we were just, we were just being rude to Bob.
So he was saying we were unfair because you were getting shit for it.
It was unfair of you all to make jokes about me.
What a waste of this coin.
If this is declared fair with all heads, we will, you and me, Wade, we will pay for voice training lessons for Bob until he can make the Torbeck voice.
Oh, okay.
We will make it right. We will pay for those lessons. If it's doubly unfair, we get to make fun of Bob for his normal speaking voice as well.
That's pretty fair.
That's very fair, I think. Alright, ready? Ah! Heads!
Oh, no.
Is that lady heads on yours? I can't.
Ladyous heads, yeah, ladyous heads.
Alright, we gotta pay for Bob's voice lessons.
We're gonna, we're gonna hire the actual guy from Legends of Adventurous and we're gonna get him to get you to be able to be Torbeck and we will not stop paying whatever his fee is and or a comparable voice trainer cuz he might be pricey now that that show's popular.
He's very famous and successful. Well, I mean, if I'm gonna do this, I want the real Torbeck to teach me about Torbeck stuff. So.
All right. Okay. Well, we'll see what his availability is.
Yeah. Price, cost be damned, you know?
Okay, you're gonna, you're gonna get a fair, we get you voice lessons for Torbeck.
That doesn't look like, hold on a second.
Is that his name? Andy Flynn? Is that the guy's name?
Yeah, but I searched Andy Flynn and I did not get the right guy.
If you search Andy Flynn Adventurous, he comes up.
Oh.
There's, there's another like actor or someone who is also named Andy Flynn.
You were laughing like it was some porn actor or something and I thought that it was gonna be. All right. The great Andy Flynn. Wow. Look, he's, man, he's working out. He's getting, oh.
Oh, my God. His whole Instagram is just him working out with the shit.
Holy shit.
He's so jacked. I don't have to learn that, do I?
No, no. Well, unless it's part of Torbeck. He might say it's actually part of it.
Oh, no. Okay. Well.
Hey, listen up, handsome. What's your day rate for getting Bob voice training to be Torbeck?
We're not trying to replace you unless he does better than you, in which case, sorry.
I mean, given where I'm starting from, how could I not be better than him?
That poor guy is about to get hounded and he's gonna hate us.
He's gonna be like, what is distractable?
Who are these dumb fuckers?
God, I hate our fans.
I hate distractable too. All right. So that is handled.
Of all the times to get triple heads, I would just say, couldn't I use that on a thing that actually mattered? I mean, not that I won't enjoy voice lessons with the great Andini.
You're literally immortal.
Was that from a coin flip? Oh, that was from a coin flip. Okay. Never mind, never mind, never mind, never mind. I don't have nothing to complain about. That's just me being a bitch.
Like Mark and I deserve some good coin flip wins.
Nah, you deserve nothing. Shut up. Mark, continue your episode.
Thank you. I will.
It's time to.
Move on to small talk.
Yes, we are.
It's been a very derailed episode.
That was a cold open.
I'm gonna give a blast of of news updates from the various things of N A B of which I'm going to. But by the time this comes out, I will have already been. So no, you can't meet me there. Uh, Da Vinci got a new update. That's pretty cool. Go Pro comeback, maybe cool cameras came out. Uh, there's a lot of other new tools with A I in them that are probably scary. I don't know. Adobe's out of frothing in the corner or something. I have no idea. And then there's a lot of bags, a lot of lights, a lot of camera equipment, a lot of monitors for viewing things, audio equipment, kind of cool stuff like that. That's all you guys need to know. Okay. As we do every week, we do a media and broadcast equipment news update.
That's true. Every week.
It's an interest we all share.
Equally.
Equally. Wait, say one tech thing.
Okay, man.
That's that is technically correct.
You're gonna point.
I had that one ready in the bank just in case.
You look around at the closest thing in your room like, uh, uh, oh, microphone.
Does wrist wrist rest? Does that count? Does this this tech? Does this count? Technology made it, right?
Ah, it's kind of, I don't know.
So technically.
His true laugh.
God damn.
All right. Strawberry lemonade for lunch. I've gone fucking nuts.
Oh, my God. No wonder you're so crazy.
Yeah, I know. I'm going crazy.
Look, I don't. I don't care if this has a billion red forty and and, you know, uh, it's it's the Coke Zero Cherry Float. It's delicious. It probably has all kinds of chemicals in there to make it taste good. But goddamn.
No, those are surprisingly good. I like those.
Acetaminol fame. Nice.
Does it have acetate in it?
I don't see any, but it's got phenylketonurics.
Ketones. Those are good.
I've not heard of those since the Treaty of Westfalia.
We're never gonna forget Westfalia.
See, you casually use that word in like so many episodes and then you acted like you've never heard it before in your life. When we were playing the thing, I feel like that was a pretty generous word.
You had cheeseburger.
Yeah, well, that's long and weird. I'm just smart.
He's right. He's right.
We talked about this. I told you I was finding funny. When we were fighting those words together, you were like, oh, oh, I found a really good one. And I was like, all right, he's getting tough words. I'll get tough words.
Well, I thought we did be more of the game where we had to like.
You were just sitting there being like, oh, cheeseburger. Yes, this will stump them.
There weren't that many 12 letter words.
The thing is, I could totally see Wade doing that where he finds cheeseburger. He's like, oh, oh, yeah, that's gonna stump them. Oh, man.
Maybe I missed the assignment a little bit. Okay.
I thought we were on the same wavelength and we never are.
I'm sorry, man. When I searched for 12 letter words.
Except when we play Slade this player too.
Then we are the same wavelength.
Then we doesn't. Then we're all on the same wavelength.
And I've learned that Lightning Boy sucks.
He does not.
He's awesome. I had the best run I've had solo run I've had has been with him. Fucking I got the craziest thing where I basically half my deck costs zero. And then I had a couple of that one where you put all zero cost cards from your discard back into your hand. I had things where on the second or third turn, I was just like, get them all back. Everyone's dead. Like, he's fucking crazy. If you build him, right?
I did not have that kind of luck when we were playing. I had one evoke and a bunch of bullshit.
And plasma? Oh, plasma.
Oh, plasma.
I didn't even see plasma. I had lightning, cold, dark and glass.
Glass is stinky, but plasma is the way.
Glass is equivalent to lightning, except it diminishes. I think it shouldn't diminish over time.
I'd rather have dark.
Yeah, of course. Everyone would rather have dark.
Oh, yeah. Dark, dark was great. But I only had like one dark. That's why I lost.
Get more dark.
I couldn't, man. I was at the heart and the mercy of the draw. And the draw was like, you know what you need? Glass.
Quit the game forever then. Quit it forever.
Let's play it right now. No, we have a, we have another game. Have you even small talked at all, guys?
I did. I said, I said I had strawberry lemonade today, and that's technically qualifies as small pot.
Yeah, you're right. You're not getting a point for it, though. Technically.
Oh my God, I hate that.
Yeah, I didn't give you a point for that either because it scared me.
Good.
I'll give you the truest laugh.
Wade, you need to learn how to golf this year. I need more people in my circle who golf.
Okay.
We're gonna, we're gonna hit the range and then we gotta go play some, some local nine holes. You're good at sports. You're good at ball sports. You're athletic guy. You'll be fine at golf. It's very fun.
If you had said like volleyball, basketball, tennis, like for some reason golf and baseball, man, I don't know, just, I need, I need a whole racket. The little tiny nub club. I'm just, man, I miss the ball a lot.
It's not easy. The thing about golf is it doesn't matter if you're the fucking worst golfer ever. It's still fun to go drive golf carts around and go and just hit balls and try and get them near the hole. It's fun.
You say that until we're six hours in and I'm still on hole one.
I'm awful. The last time I played nine holes, I lost like six balls in nine holes. Like I'm terrible at golf.
But you're so strong. You hit the ball. It goes far.
That does not help you. One of the balls I lost, I lost because I hit it like 50 yards past the hole and I almost killed someone.
If I hadn't yelled four and they hadn't turned and looked, I might've killed a guy. Still had a great time.
Well, the risk there is also that they turn right to the ball and get dunked right in the face.
Yeah, everyone knows the front of the face is the most resilient part of the head. Back of the head, all you got is skin, bone, brain. Front of the head, you got cartilage. You got eyeballs and teeth. You don't need those to live. You got a lot of extra stuff that'll cushion the brain, which is really the part you gotta keep safe.
Yeah, yeah, I guess, yeah.
And ears are not as protective as they seem.
Do you want to play like tennis instead?
Can't we just play golf, little golf? You could use my clubs. They're for tall guys. You're a tall guy.
Well, here we just go to Topgolf and that'll be the end of it.
I mean, that's fine, too. That's fun. I like Topgolf.
I know I wasn't invited to this, but you know, I'm assuming I was invited.
Well, dude, you're always invited. You just live across an entire giant ass country.
Now, hold on, hold on. Always, mostly, you're usually invited.
No, look, my, my perspective is Mark is invited to everything that I do, but I know that there's just realities about how far away we live from each other. It's not always gonna line up.
So like, I'm gonna go hop in the shower. Mark's just invited?
If he wanted to, man, he could jump right in with me. I got a big, big, tall, big shower. Be fine. Lots of space.
Got an extra brush. Can you use a brush?
Would you help me hold it while I pee if you were in the bathroom with me?
I feel like that's up to him.
That's what I'm asking.
He could be invited. You don't get to dictate how he participates.
All right, that's my small talk. Bob, you got?
I feel like that was my small talk. Wait a minute.
I claimed it.
Oh shit. What else do I have going on? I have a car and Wade doesn't. How about that?
You still got that car thing going on, huh?
Yeah, it was a nice car, too. That was great.
It's a great car that was mine. That was in my driveway. That's my car.
It's a good car.
I already told you everything that happened in my life because we caught up, so.
It's tricky. When you hang out in real life and it's not recorded, what do you? I guess we need to record it every time we're near each other, just in case it needs to go on the podcast.
We've been together every day except for yesterday in some capacity.
There was a real good AI update.
There was.
I mean, at this point, it was like two weeks ago, so.
Trust me, there's a lot of people who are gonna hear this who did not hear the update. If you don't know what real good AI is, you should check it out. RealGoodAI.org.
For those that don't know about it, and yes, we're making AI and we're building our own data center. Right?
Yes, yes.
We're gonna call it Real GPT. No, it's science. The good kind of science? Is there a bad? Is there evil science? I guess, probably. There's mad science, so I guess that's not good science. This is the fun kind of science.
Like flubber.
It is like flubber. It absolutely is like flubber.
Anyway, there was a breakthrough in training and getting the Gaussian process model in with it's normally a neural network, so. That was big.
It is proof of concept for the future of good AI.
I know I asked this and they're not ready to publish yet, but when do you think that'll be published?
Um, that is a tricky call. I don't know if I know enough about it to say for sure when it'll be published. I think it's already, like, there was already a newsletter type update that is, that's available on the website. And I think there are some social media posts where Manny's talking about it and like, we stream every Thursday. If they come to the stream, they can ask about it. But publishing, getting it actually written up and published and all that stuff is like the slowest, most painful process ever, so. I don't know if I can give an actual timeline for that, but, but he's working on it. Eric did that research and he's such a good little scientist that even though he's real sick right now, he's still working. He's busting his ass.
Crazy.
For all of us.
If it turned out to be evil, we didn't do that part.
Yeah, for sure.
That was probably someone else.
Nature versus nurture. You can only do so much.
That's, uh, that's what they say.
Maybe math is just evil. I've had inklings.
I've always thought math was particularly evil, but you know, I've never known the math to prove it.
It can be very divisive.
No, sorry. Too, too late. Hush. That's, uh, uh. The buzzer rang. That joke was midair. It did not land in time.
That would have been such a good point to use that.
Yeah, that would have been good.
I'm invoking the double coin flip rule.
Nope.
No, this is dodgeball. That's a double fault. Sudden death.
Next constitution, we gotta make a challenge of some kind besides unfair, but it's like, you know, flag based. We gotta throw something.
Didn't we used to have flags and get rid of them?
Oh, you're right. Wait, that's vaguely familiar. Wait. Oh, wow.
But I don't know if we stopped using them because we forgot, or if we literally were like, no more flags. Now we do the unfair coin flip.
Okay, now we got an extra one where it's like, we have to throw something, but every time it gets thrown, it has to be heavier than before.
Throw something.
That's gonna get real bad, real fast.
Yeah, I guess I'm not keeping heavy shit around my, my desk anymore.
All right. Okay. We gotta get on with the game because we've been doing this for 20 minutes already. We're not gonna have any time. Get ready for a recycled idea from the past.
Yeah, you know what time it is. Actually, it's a slightly evolved idea from the past.
That's the best kind of recycling.
Dinosaurs! No! Okay.
Alright, cool. Uh, no, you fools. It's time for That Sounds Bad!
Oh, play the theme song. Yeah, wow.
Special guest, Steve Carell.
Steve! Alright, see ya.
He was on the other side of that door. He said he had to go.
I should have gone this way, of course, but I didn't. But it's, uh, fine.
I vaguely remember this. Wasn't it That Sounds Good the first time?
Yeah, it was That Sounds Good. This is now That Sounds Bad, which is an idea that I got in the middle of That Sounds Good, and I was like, wow, that probably would be funnier. And I believe that's correct. The way it works is one of you, well, I'll flip a coin, we'll decide who goes first, will say something. I will give you a prompt, and you'll go, give me a way that it's bad. And these are typically good things. And then you're gonna make it sound bad, and the other person's gonna make it sound worse, and the other person, then it goes back to the first to make it sound worse. Whoever can make it sound bad, really bad, and continue the chain without going back. So the first person that says something that is not worse than the previous one loses, the other person gets the point. Makes sense? Right, right, right. Yes.
I think this'll work better, because if there's one thing you guys are good at, it's being negative. Heads, Wade. Tails? Wade.
Cause he's, ah, hey, wait a minute. That's unfair. Oh, shit, wait.
It's Bob. Alright, tails, you're Bob.
Oh, good. Thank God. Somebody wasted our unfair already this episode.
Look at how prismatic it looks. It's like all blue and stuff.
Oh, that is cool.
It's just my, uh, my reflection monitor here, but Elgato, I need to say this. I have the prompter, and it's very useful, especially if I'm recording. I can see if I'm recording and whatnot, but you either have this model or the fucking gigantic one. I just need a little bigger. That's all I need.
Bigger than the giant one?
I have a giant one, then I looked at how giant it was. I was like, I can't physically put it up here. It'd be too big. But I need something that's just- A little bigger. It get to it somewhere in between, you know?
Middle sized prompter.
All right, Bob, you're gonna make a donut. The delicious, delectable sugary treat that is a donut. Sound bad?
Donuts taste great, but you know what comes with that great taste every single time you have a donut? Feeling of failure. You immediately, when you make the choice to have a donut for breakfast, you immediately feel like you've lost the day. Like, no matter how good it tastes, you're like, well, it's a donut day, so, you know, I maybe I won't work out today. Like, who cares? I had a donut, like, everything's down the drain. It's all downhill from here. It's a great donut. Maybe I'll have pizza for dinner. Who cares? It's donut day. It just comes with it. As good as it tastes, it's just not a solid start. It sets you up for a downward trajectory.
All right, that sounds, you know, I get that. I get that. You know, if you start with donuts, you got all that sugar going up in there. It's not good for anybody to start that way as opposed to like, you know, an egg or something like that, you know? The food that has all the nutrition possible.
Perfect food. You feel like I'm, you could kill the world. You eat eggs.
Wade, can you make that donut sound bad or?
Well, on top of just starting the day off wrong because you're choosing to have a donut, the process of getting a donut is really fucking annoying, especially for us non-morning people. Cause donuts, you know, when you get donuts on your way to work, if you work a normal nine to five, you go and you get your donut and you get your coffee and you have to wait in the longest fucking lines. We grew up in Milford, we went to school in Milford, right? And in Milford, there was a Dunkin' Donuts right on the like, out of the way. If you're going to school, it was out of the way. If you're going to work, I guess it's on the way to the highway. But the line would wrap around the building and then come out on to like the bypass that would block up traffic. And you had to go and wait forever to even get your donut. And then you get there and you're like, I want this donut. I don't know, strawberry frosting like, we're sold out.
Would you like this cake donut? I'm like, no, I don't want, I just waited for 40 minutes for the strawberry. Long lines and disappointment because the ones you want, they're limited in quantity. They can't possibly paint another.
Whoa.
Whoa. Donuts does this place have?
Hey, pink seventy-six, you know, that's how you get your strawberry.
Do you know how donuts are made? Wait.
Magic paint donuts? What the hell's going on?
He just puts some little paint on it. It's not strawberry, but no, they're like, we got the ugly cake thing.
Dude, I like cake dough. Cake donuts are delicious.
Not when you want the strawberry frosted.
Well, you just kind of modify your expectations.
All right, inconvenient. That's great. All right, Bob.
Another thing about donuts, when you're in like a group setting, they're almost always a letdown. You show up to the office, show up to the set. We've been on set, Marcus done a lot of, you show up and you see it and you're like, ah, they got a box of donuts. All right, I was running a little late. I skipped breakfast today. I would really love to have a donut. That sounds fantastic. God, I hope they have some chocolate glazed or what? I don't even really care. I just hope they have a good, I hope it's not like jelly filled powdered covered donut that's gonna make me a mess for the rest of my life. Oh, don't even, whatever, I'll eat it. And then you go up to the box and you're like, God, I'm starving. This is what I needed. And you open the donut box and for some fucking reason, there's one quarter of one bear claw in the box.
One, who cuts up and touches donuts in a public box of donuts? Two, who leaves one quarter of one donut? And three, why is the box still there if there's not even one entire donut in it? It's always like that. I've never opened a box of donuts anywhere other than my own house and found a whole donut in it, let alone multiple that I could choose from. At this point, there's a certain point where you realize, right? And so sometimes you see it and you're like, I'm not even gonna look. That's probably fucking day old donuts. I don't even care. But you forget sometimes. And when you really need it, that's when you forget and you're like, ah, there's, there's donuts, there's hope.
And then you open it and it's fucking sadness and anger and it makes your day worse every single time.
Man, those true words, very bad. Wade?
Do you grab a donut? You're ready to take your bite? Take it. Real interesting, good flavor maybe at first. And then we zoom into the throat as the donut comes down.
Mushroom cloud inside of you. Why? Cause not a single fucking nutrient just entered your body. You just ate nothing but greasy fat and sugar and exploded within you telling your body, I don't want anything actually to eat. What I want to do is die 20 years younger. Hop, hop, hop, hop, hop. Armageddon fucking get, oh, there's fallout happening right in your butt. Hope you have a shelter built. You don't. There go your insides from all the grease, sugar and fat content of probably the worst combination of things you can eat outside of directly eating poison or like bleach or something. So congratulations for all of the nuclear waste building up in your gut. Cause you're gonna be seeing that thing expand soon. Trust me, it does. It catches up.
Uh, yeah, you're right. Donut Armageddon. That's pretty bad. Bob?
Donuts, right? You know, donuts. You've seen donuts. They have a fatal flaw. They're too soft. You don't want food to be too soft like that. You know what could go inside of a donut? Jelly, cream, razor blades, poison tablets, anything, small animals, worms? Who knows? Donuts are designed to be filled, which is sold as a feature, but they're so soft, you could slide something in, you can't even see, can't even see the hole where it went in. You could be handed a donut with a dozen razor blades in it and not even be able to tell there was anything wrong with it. And you take a big bite and boom, razor blades in your mouth.
All right, man. That does sound bad. I don't, I don't like that. All right, Wade?
Revelations, no.
I think I'll concede to the razor blade.
All right. Yeah. Okay. All right. Okay. Razor blade donuts. All right. That was a horrifying visual. That sounded so bad.
I thought I had it with the nukes.
I gotta look at every donut you see for the rest of your life with a little, with a little contempt.
Now, the razor blades were a step up. I can't deny.
All right, Wade, it's your turn to go first.
All right.
You're gonna, uh, you go outside. It's a bright, sunny, beautiful day, perfect temperature. Birds are singing. Make this sound bad.
Let me set this scene one more time. It's a bright, sunny day. You go outside.
It's a bright, beautiful, sunny day, perfect temperature, slight, just the lightest, beautiful breeze. It doesn't even tussle your hair, but it cools. That's so refreshing. And then the birds are singing and grass, green trees, leaves, beautiful nature.
Well, let me tell you why this really, uh, fluffs my feathers a little bit in the wrong way, Mark. Cause I walk outside, it's beautiful, sunny day. There's a light breeze. It doesn't even tussle my hair. And then I'm reminded, Mark, I don't have hair. I'm bald.
And you know, every time I go outside and it's a beautiful sunny day with a light breeze, I'm reminded there is no hair. I could get sunburn and my hair doesn't blow in the wind anymore. And that kinda takes a little bit of it out for me.
Well, you're right. Okay. I get it. I'm sorry. I didn't realize there are some people that can't enjoy that.
Well, sensitivity training might do you some good, I guess.
All right. All right. Come down there, Wade. You slow your roll a little bit.
All right. It's a beautiful sunny morning. You're outside. You've gone to your favorite park. You're out there to enjoy some nature and you start your walk. Ah, excuse me. Oh, excuse me. Ah, on your left. Whoa, a bicycle. Oh, fuck. You know who the fuck is outside? People. People are outside. Every time I've been outside, tried to enjoy nature or a beautiful day, there's always someone there to ruin it. There's always some kid on a bicycle or a skateboard or with a remote control car or a dog that's not on a leash for some reason in a public park. Or there's always some stupid person out there ruining that shit.
The only place you're safe from people is inside your house or in the house of a trusted friend or associate, where you know no one who's going to ruin it is going to be there. Maybe the backyard is safe, but even in your own backyard, you can have shit ruined by people. Outside stinks.
That's a good point. All these great weathers and fun things draw other people and people are naturally terrible.
We all know this to be true. Awful.
Wade.
It's not the people outside you gotta worry about. It's them. They're watching. Inside, you can go ahead, you can search and make sure there's no bugs planted on your lamps or your light sockets. But outside, there could be cameras anywhere. The birds themselves, they're drones. Who's watching from the moon? The government. Is there even a moon? I don't know. The earth is flat, so why is there a round thing in the sky? Doesn't make a lot of sense to me. So I'm outside and I'm reminded of all the things out of my control and all the people watching me that wanna take me, take my brain and put things in my butt. Yeah, I don't wanna go outside. It's awful because all it is is chaos out of my control and they, they control it all.
Alright, man. Okay, cool. Alright.
Uh, that escalated quickly.
Yeah, Bob, uh, couldn't you go worse than that?
It's a beautiful morning. Maybe it's in the past. Maybe this is from another generation. Beautiful August morning. Sun's coming up. Lovely day. You're outside. It's about 8:15 in the morning. August 9th, 1945. Beautiful, lovely morning in your home city
of Hiroshima, Japan.
And all you wanna do is stand outside and soak up some sun. Oh, what's that rumble in the distance? Alright, this might need to be cut out. I'm having second thoughts about this.
No, it's so funny. It's so funny. It's, god.
Oh, man.
Look, that might be one of the worst mornings a person has ever had. It's funny in this context, but also pretty serious. Pretty bad.
Pretty bad, pretty bad.
Hard to, hard to imagine much worse.
Can't ever joke about that thing, much like other things that we can't make fun of, for sure.
I better give you a point for it.
But it's not over. Wait, can you go worse?
I just want you to know, I had written a couple of things to escalate and my last one was looking up the sky one last time before nuclear war.
He's got you beat. He's got you beat.
That was where I had it ending. So, uh.
Great minds, huh? Great minds.
What is worse for you than that? I don't know.
I don't know. You concede. You can concede.
I don't want to, but yeah, yeah, I got, I do. Yeah.
All right, that's it.
Razor blades. You look up at the clouds and razor blades.
I thought at first that's where you're gonna go. It's like you're looking up la di da. Ah, my foot.
Razor.
Congratulations, Bob. That's two in a row. You're on a roll.
Feel great about that one.
It's right back to you to start and you're gonna make sex sound bad.
Just limbs and sweat. Just sticky, just rubbing, just a lot of rubbing. If you're not prepared for the rubbing, there's a lot of chafing. Just gotta, just, uh, you know, just like, eh, you know?
It's like a really disinterested sex ed teacher.
All right, listen, you don't want, it's not, eh, ew.
Eh, ew.
Yeah, you both are sex ed teachers teaching a class about how abs is the right path.
All right, Wade.
Sex may be fine for some and it's a cooperative activity. One of my favorite animes and mangas, solo leveling.
I don't need a partner. The odds of having someone else get in my way and had caused me extra time and stress, whenever I know I can get the job done faster and more efficiently? No, thank you.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna allow this, but I'm like, you made masturbation sound good as opposed to sex sounding bad, so.
Well, it's better.
Well, I'll, I'll, I'll let it pass. I'll let it pass. That's the one warning.
That's right. You will.
I will. Yeah, I've determined it for you. I may not, I'm thinking about it again. All right, Bob.
All right, sex. Sex happens with another person. You'll feel what they're doing to you and you'll feel what you're doing to them and you you'll kind of have an idea what's going on, but you know what you don't get to know? What are they thinking? What are they looking at? Are they looking at your hips? They looking at your your chubby thighs? Are they laughing at your physique? Are they laughing at your technique? Are you doing a good job? Are they happy? You think it's going well? Do they think it's going well? Are they satisfied? Was that fake? Did that, are they just pretending? Are they faking it right now? Wait a minute. How am I faking it? Wait, is this real? What's real? What's real here? You want to lose all sense of self? You want to disassociate so hard that you barely even exist for a while?
Yeah, go ahead. Have some sex.
I love a dissociative crisis. Uh, that's, uh, that is true. Yeah, you will entirely lose your, your, your sense of personhood.
Happens to me every time.
Wade, worse.
Life with your partner is a beautiful dance, a tango. You guys have it all figured out. You know how you divide up the home chores, the work life, raising kids, so on and so forth. You have similar interests. You go and you see your movies together, you go on your walks. Everything is a perfect yin and yang. And then all of a sudden, one night, you have one drink too many at the bar and all of a sudden you wake up and go, huh, what happened? Who's that? Oh, sex. Wrong person. Now my whole relationship's in flux and all kinds of fucked up just because of one bad sex? I'm sorry, I'm on a keto diet, but I ate a roll. I break my diet and it's okay, but I put my dick in the wrong hole and all of a sudden it's all gonna end?
Sex ruins everything.
Wow. I didn't see that.
All right. Okay. Uh, that, that's for sounds real bad, man. You're right. It all blows up. Bob, can you make it sound worse?
Do you like movies? There's one specific movie I've seen that I wish I could unsee.
Stop reading my script.
That I think will make you think twice about ever having sex ever again for any reason. Ever seen the 2007 film Teeth?
Damn you.
The story, that's a comedy horror comedy in air quotations about a woman whose vagina has teeth. Yes, this is real. This is a real medical condition. This is not fabricated for fictional movies. This happens and there's no way to know until it's too late. There's no way for you to be able to tell. It's a gamble every time. Maybe you like gambling with your dick, but for me, I say it's not worth it. Just imagine the teeth vividly. Imagine it.
It's almost like there's razor blades in there.
That's exactly the motif I'm, I'm riffing on. Yes.
That was great. Yeah, that sounds horrible. Yeah. I remember in that movie when the doctor gets his fingers bitten off, he goes,
So I'm giving you a point for vagina dentata.
Vagina dentata. What a delivery. Yeah, I'm actually, uh, screen sharing with Wade, Wade right now. So I'm just stealing all your ideas directly off of what yours.
Dude, I had to double check and make sure I didn't still have the document up from the one man show.
All right, Wade, you got one chance to go higher.
Teeth, pretty bad. Kind of a one-off instance. I want you to imagine for a moment a world of superheroes and supervillains, right? Imagine if we could all just get like a little shot and all of a sudden we could develop a superpower, but we don't know how that's going to come to fruition. Some people can fly. Some people get super strength. Some people come magma. Some people get really small and climb into dicks, but then they sneeze and explode and there it goes. You never know what kind of horrible sexual shenanigans might come up. You never know if there might be teeth or worse than teeth or.
Maybe whenever someone farts after they have a nuclear explosion come out. This world of superheroes could be amazing, but also you got more than teeth to worry about because any kind of jizz or come or sensation or scream or laugh or spit could be acid, could be anything. Everything is a gamble. Every time you even go to hold someone's hand, it could melt your fingers off, much less putting your dick in there. This world of superheroes could be great, but it has a dark underbelly of sex, explosions, melting, pain, screams, and that little tickling sensation you can never quite get to go away, which is kind of itchy after a while.
Yeah, that does sound bad. That sounds worse than just teeth. I'll give you because you made me remember the boys.
I kind of stole everything from that.
All right, Bob.
Let's put a timeframe on this. Let's say, just as a specific example, it's not what you think. Calm down.
Okay, okay. I thought the 1945.
Perhaps it's August 9th again, but it doesn't matter what year it is.
And it's definitely in like the 2000s or later. Maybe it's August 9th of this past year. Do you know what means if you had sex on August 9th of this past year? It means that in less than a month, you're gonna be a parent and you're gonna be responsible for an entire other human being. And there's all kinds of stuff that comes along with that. And some of it is great, and some of it involves terrible, horrible, unthinkable things. And some of it involves poop being on parts of you you didn't know poop could get on. And some of it involves furniture you own never smelling the same. But there are a lot of aspects to it. And
unless you're ready for that shit, and unless you really mean that shit, you should just stay away from it. Because God knows how much you're having sex these days. How many kids might just be cropping up left and right? Who knows? Yeah, watch out for that shit.
Unless you're a woman, then it's way less of a surprise, but you know, still, whoa.
Still, whoa. All right. Here's my logic here. That's definitely the scariest thing in the world to some people, but to some people, it's what they really want.
They want that. Weirdos, I know. Very strange people. Just bizarre, right? I think there are probably a subset of people that want the lava come, but it's probably a much smaller proportion of people that think that it's good than that it's bad. So.
Can I clarify that I was, I was specifically thinking of this in the context of we're like teaching a high school health class? And then I think the breakdown of high schoolers who want to have kids on purpose is probably a lot lower than the general population.
That is scary. It's, it's probably true. It probably is very scary.
I'll take a stab at, give it to him. I'll take a stab at escalating from there. Well, but he's the judge. He's the judge. I just, I felt like clarify.
Wade is passing on this to take another stab at getting even worse than babies.
Th- this feels like the, the building on, right? Like I'm taking, we're taking each other's ideas and taking a step.
That's the whole thing. Yeah. Yep.
Why did I do this? Okay. So.
You find that person, you meet eyes at the bar, they take a sip of their drink. You know what they're thinking, because it's what you're thinking. They want another drink. Ah, fuck. So you buy them a drink. You guys, you have some chemistry. You find out you have some stuff in common. You go home, you fuck like rabbits. You have sex here, you have sex there. All the sinful fuck that you can have. And then you find out you got pregnant. You're gonna be a dad. You're, they don't know this person's name. We don't remember their name. But you know, I'm gonna, I'm gonna be there. I'm gonna step up. I'm gonna try to raise this kid. You stick around, you get to know the person. Okay. We have some chemistry. We can, we can, we can make this work. And then the day of the delivery comes, baby's born. Doctor goes and goes to hand you the baby and the baby bites the doctor's finger. You're like, oh, that's kind of weird. I had to do that. Baby's handed over to the mom. Baby doesn't cry.
It just sits there kind of looking like it knows something you don't. And then you see the six, six, six tattoo on the baby and you realize you and sin have helped birth the Antichrist.
Because of your sex. Now you've gotta raise the anti-Jesus. Cause parenting responsibility.
Always coming back to religion with this guy.
You know, I wasn't falling the whole time, but I, I shouldn't have doubted. I shouldn't have dad. That's true. What's worse than having a bunch of babies that you don't even know about, but maybe you do. The evilist baby.
Evilist baby. Hides the remote and all kinds of sick shit. That monster.
Bob, what do you think? You got another?
Oh, sure. Yeah, I could go worse than that. I got them locked and loaded over here.
All right, all right.
Sex does crazy things to your brain. Empties you of all reason. It drains you of any thought. Soon as you get on the brain, you're like, anything, anyone, sex. I need it. I gotta have it. And then one day you snap back to reality. Well, there goes gravity.
And then you wake up and you look over and you're like, ah, maybe we could do it one more time before I head out and never talk to this person again. And you're looking and you can't face the other way. You're like, oh, this is weird. I can't really remember last night. Ah, this bedroom is kind of familiar. That's that perfume. My perfume is very familiar. It's crazy. Some strangely nostalgic about what's going on here. I don't understand. And then finally the person next to you wakes up. They notice you're awake. They roll over and they look you in the eyes and say, what a magical night, son.
The best part of waking up.
Is that worse than Antichrist?
Incest Antichrist. I don't know.
Really think about it, Mark.
Are you guys forcing me to choose?
Mark, would you rather have Antichrist or incest?
If you let Wade win, you have to have incest. That's the rules.
As far as like what sounds bad, my face went more at Bob's. So I'm gonna go with his as being currently the leader. So wait, unless you want to take another stab at going even worse and then presenting me with another choice.
You go out, there's a beautiful festival happening, right? There's flowers everywhere, everything is perfectly in bloom, everything is immaculate looking. You go to have a drink, best drink you ever had. You take a bite of food, the best bite of food you ever have. And then the crowd parts and you see her standing there, absolutely glowing, a goddess, the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. And you go up and you strike conversation and she introduces herself and you start talking. And all of a sudden, she's giving you some signs and you're picking up on them and you're giving signs, she's picking up on them. And you guys go and you find a nice, beautiful, quiet spot in the flowers and you have sex like you've never had before in your life.
And then she tells you afterward her name, Hera. You're like, Hera, Hera. Wait a second. And then a bolt of lightning strikes nearby and fucking Zeus appears. And is like, did you just fuck my wife? Because the things I can do to you will make Sisyphus feel like he's on vacation. And you spend the rest of eternity paying for that sex and all of the worst ways of torture you can imagine. Fuck your mom, I call that Tuesday.
For eternity.
Yeah, fuck your mom. I call that Tuesday. Well, I don't know how, I thought we were done a long time ago, this is. All right, I'm gonna, I'm gonna say that's, that's still, that's still, you could walk away and be like, maybe worth it. Cause you made it sound really good in the beginning there. And if you'd go into more detail of what Zeus, and there's the whole thing where Sisyphus, he might be happy, you know? Question, jury's still out. Oh, but you won't be. Zeus will make sure you're not. Anyway, I'm gonna go with Bob won that round, which means that he's, he's won.
That was one mob fuck. I'm talking about doing it for every day for the rest of your life and life is eternity.
Oh, is that the punishment?
He did throw that out there. Yeah.
Every Tuesday.
I thought you were saying that to be like, huh, fucking your mom. That's what I do every Tuesday compared to the punishment that Zeus is gonna.
No, no, that was one of the, that was one of the days of the week.
I think that was one of the punishments. Yeah, I think.
Oh, I'm saying you're not doing the same thing. You're not just pushing a rock up a hill. He's making you do all kinds of shit for eternity.
Okay, well, it still stands that Bob's made it sound really bad.
You know, the description was worse, but that's fine. You can, you want some variety in your life just to see if your body can take it. I get it.
Yes, you know, this is just not making it sound bad, man. I guess. Anyway, I'm gonna give it to Bob. Um, he, the sex. All right. Okay, we're closing it out. It's been a tighter race than you think because Wade, don't be so dismiss, because Bob had me laughing real hard a few times. You had me laughing hard consistently in pretty much all of those. So here's the points as they stand. Wade. Office intro, microphone, you had cheeseburger, the truest laugh. Did you win donut? No, it just says donut. Oh, donut Armageddon, doesn't tussle my hair, made me laugh really hard. Dick in wrong hole, ruined, fuck your mom. I call that Tuesday. So that's a total of one,
two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight points. Bob is agentic. You are agentic. You got a lisp point that I laughed at really hard. Fair. Give you a point for winning the coin toss. We have to get you voice lessons to be Torbik, ideally from Torbik. You won the donut round. Hiroshima made me laugh really hard, which, you know, now that I say that out loud.
Sunny day, you won that dissociative sex thing. Very funny vagina dentata. And then you won the sex round. So this next one had a lot of, a lot of good laughs. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. So it's a close race. Still could be anybody's.
I have a document up and the only thing written on this document at this point is STD, which I.
Yeah, I can't believe neither of you touched on the STD front of things.
I feel like we just leapfrogged right past it. Yeah, that's okay. I have, I have Google up and the last thing I Googled trying to get my next retort ready was Hitler mom name.
So I had plans, but uh.
Oh man, I French'd Mark.
This went places, man. This went places.
All right. How many bonus spins will there be?
One.
Oh, only one.
Oh God, if it ties again and I get another one man show, fucking.
Marcus, what? Show him me again?
All right, it could happen. It could happen.
Only thirty letter words, Bob. We gotta find thirty letter words.
All right. Are you, what are we adding to this one?
Uh, who had sex most recently?
Unless you guys don't want to share that.
We're all married here. Does that make that better or worse to share that? Got him. Got marriage.
I gotta text Molly. Molly, we gotta go have sex so I can win next week.
Every day. Guys, can we take a thirty second, thirty second break for no reason before we spin?
It's the most important spin of your life today. Come on. Free parking. Okay, so we add a point to free parking and then there's a separate entry for getting free parking, right? Is that?
Well, that means the final score just stands, right?
Oh, right.
Cause that counted. That was a spin.
Oh, that's true. That's true. I guess we do do that.
Wow. What a useless spin.
Great for Bob. Great for Mark. I'm the loser from this.
I'm sorry, Wade. That was really anticlimactic. I thought that maybe there would be like a, oh, another tie, one man show. Man, you had some really funny ones.
It's okay. Better be anticlimactic than Antichristactic.
Yeah, you really, you really go to the same places sometimes, huh?
Eventually you get to the gods.
And even Zeus. Yeah, yeah, still the gods. But congratulations, Bob, not to be so all poor, but I just feel bad because Wade has not won in a, in a while. It is, it has been a while.
Long time.
All right, we got, hold on now.
Been a long time, long time. Bob, winner's speech.
That went really great. Think that was all around very successful. I have mixed feelings about what all I ended up actually saying, but you do what you have to do to win. It's how important this show is. It's how life goes. That's why I'm a winner. Cause I do what I gotta do.
Thank you. That feels appropriate.
Uh, wait, loser's speech.
I've been sitting here thinking about how I could have made the last one sound even worse. And I was like, well, what if while lying there in bed, Hera rolls over and Zeus crawls out from insider and drags you into the teathy chumps of vagina mess where razor blades and the flavor of Kool-Aid you don't really care for is all that's served. And then like the meat's cold. It's just a really awful experience in there.
Purple Kool-Aid?
Oh, wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look, I like the color. It's just gross. It's just not a good flavor.
Alas, I didn't get to all the descriptors. I did the best I could. I thought we had a good back and forth. I conceded a couple of times where maybe I should have gone, gone further. So I live a life of regret and failure.
As all losers should.
Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Well, at least you recognize that, Wade, and you can correct your mistakes next time. If there is a next time, only one way to find out. Subscribe or follow this podcast to know. We don't know when we're gonna quit, but it'll be a shocking surprise. Better stay tuned to see when it is. Then you will cry.
I always cry after.
I cries all the time.
Ha, cha, cha, ha. Ha, ha, la, podcast out.
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