Distractible
What do book fairs, dentists, and summer camp have in common? Well, the bible says... Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractible. This episode, multitudinous Mark, perfection personified, fucks his foot, then plays to the loyal. Botoxed Bob recounts James's joyous japes, prints like a pro, slays the stank, loves thick hardwood, and weaponizes taxes. Weiner Wade poops in public, backs bacon power, threatens damnation, and advises assaulting the divine. From jonesing hard to naked marsupials. Yeah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. It's time for That Sounds Good.
Now, sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.
Hello and welcome back to Distractible. I know you've been jonesing for an episode. Going from two to one must be hard, but we're all gonna get through it. We may not be the same on the other side, but we're all gonna get through it.
That's what she said. Sorry, sorry. I could, I'm sorry, sorry. Continue. Cut that out. Elixine, cut that out.
No, no, we're gonna, Elixine doesn't work here.
Wait, Sam, edit that back in.
Sam, kill Elixine.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh, God, yeah, kill Mark, I win.
Whoa.
Podcast out.
All right, so the clone, I'm, uh, I'm the clone of Mark. We've gone through multiple versions of me. Uh, if you don't know how this all works, it is different pretty much never. It is always the same in that one of us hosts. I guess it's kinda different because we all host differently and some of us read the rules. Do we remember the script?
That we did have a script.
We had a script once upon a time.
I don't remember.
Yeah, I don't know that you ever used it, but Mark and I had a thing that we looked at.
Never had a thing that I know of.
Anyway, I host, these two compete. I have a game that changes almost every time. Sometimes we do sequels, but this week I've got a new one for you. But I'm gonna read you the title that is not the title of this episode, which I was really, really, really excited about, but I could not think of, uh, where to take it. Loser gets plastic surgery. I really like the name of that.
Man, I'm glad that one didn't make the cut.
I think there's something there like the perfectest crime. I'm gonna just have that there. Uh, it's someday loser gets plastic surgery.
I've always thought I would look good with botox.
There's that's fair, Bob. I choose to win that episode then.
All right, you better compete hard. It's gonna be tough.
Wow, we need a handshake deal.
We enter each episode fresh, new people who have lived their lives. And now that we have done gone down to one a week, surely this week we are definitely engaged. We've lived life. We have small talk to bring to the table, new, exciting adventures. I can't wait. Who wants to go first?
James told a new joke this week.
I can't compete with that.
That's great. Uh, it's the story is, I'll just tell it. It's pretty funny. Uh, we listened to music. I was driving him in the cars, me and him. We listened to music. One of the songs that comes up on the playlist is I like to move it, move it from Madagascar. Specifically, I think this is the one from Madagascar three, cause it has, it's the one by Will I Am? It has the moto moto bit in it, which I think is Madagascar three or two, I think it's three. Doesn't matter. Anyway, I, it comes on and James recently, very recently has started singing along with stuff, which is super cute and he's a really good, uh, he's really good rhythm and he's trying to match pitches and stuff. It's very cool. Uh, he started singing along and I sort of like was driving and not paying close attention and he was kind of like, oh, and I started bopping my head and I was like, I'll sing with him.
I like to move it, move it. I like, and he was like, dad, stop. That's not the words. I was like, um, but I'm pretty sure that's the word stop. I think, and he was like, no, I'm singing. I like to fart it, fart it. And I fucking lost it. I laughed like I did not notice he had changed the words. That's very creative for a three year old. I think that's hilarious. And he, I laughed enough that he was like, all right, this might be the new funniest joke I've ever told. And he looks, he looks up and he goes, call mom.
Call mom and tell her. So I called Mandy on the car phone to tell her that he was saying, I like to fart it, fart it. Very funny. I've told everyone I talked to this story because it's just stuck in my head. It's fucking hilarious. He's gonna be a funny kid.
He and I are gonna write song lyrics together one day.
I God, I hope so. I hope he uses his powers for good. But anyway, that's the new hotness. James dropping bangers on a weekly basis here now.
I love call mom.
Yeah, like we have like a camera, right? So I could see his face. I have like a thing on the dashboard. You could see it where I was like, I was laughing and he was like, yeah, call mom. Like, yeah. Oh, and since then he told that joke every time we're in the car, whatever song is on, he's just like, no, the words are, I like to fart it, fart it. Anyone? Do you remember that? He just keeps going back to it because it's got such a good laugh the first time.
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful times. Wade?
What's happened in your stupid life, Wade?
Oh, man.
You got these guys small. This is a competition. You got a small talk there?
I thought, well, I do. I got one moment. I got one moment that was kind of funny for everyone else and not me. So dogs, dogs pee, dogs poop, right? You gotta take dogs outside. They pee and poop. And sometimes it's cold and kind of snowy and you expect no one to really be outside. So you open the door. Sometimes I'll walk outside. I'm like humming a song or something. Sometimes I'm like, let's go poop. And then at the same time, there just happens to be the neighbor's landscaping company outside working in the yard. And so I walk outside, you know, glasses on in my pajamas, flip flops and just like, let's go poop. And then the dogs see that there's people and not only do I have to
look at the embarrassment of them looking over because I say that, then my dogs take off full speed, barking like they're ferocious, even though they're tiny little wiener dogs, all the way over to the neighbor's yard and like running circles around the people. So I get to go fetch said dogs to make sure I have to have as much human contact after that initial greeting as possible. And that was my start to yesterday.
Well, that is beautiful and horribly embarrassing. It'll just teach you to never go outside, which, you know, you should have learned your lesson a long time ago.
Yeah, there were four people working in their yard and they all stopped what they were doing to look at the grand announcer for that moment.
Oh, I thought, oh, so you always step out your door and go, let's go poop. It just so happened that this.
No, I do not. Not every time.
Okay, all right.
Different things happen, different times I open the door.
I know you live in LA, so you don't go over. He does that inside for himself, too. We're watching the Bengals game. It's a room full of people. Wade just stands up and goes, "Let's go poop!" and then walks to the bathroom.
One of my favorites, uh, there was a game that came out on PlayStation a long time ago called like Gex, Enter the Gecko. It was like a little lizard that'd walk around and the first area is like a little horror themed area and it's like kind of Scooby Doo. But one of the things that Gex says is like, "Party time, little lizard." And so whenever I take the dogs out, one of my more popular ones is "Potty time, little lizard." I'll say to them for no particular reason other than it makes me laugh.
What a deep cut.
So they didn't get the, yeah, I know. Uh, and then there's like a weird howl and, "Gee, Scoob, let's get back to the mystery van." It was a weird game. Never finished it, but I've always got the quotes of his little one-liners in the overworld map.
I'm giving you a point for having the exact same humor as James because that would be a James joke, so.
I kept thinking to myself that whenever Bob was describing James, I was like, man, he and I are gonna get along famously one day.
No, you're gonna be competitors.
The whole looking around, telling a joke that's either not funny anymore or you still find funny, but no one else does. And like, "Ah, remember, guys? I said that thing." I was like, God, that's so me.
Well, you know what? I treat him the same way, too, because now it's been, it's been a few days. So we were in the car tonight and we were driving, we're driving back home and he did that. Some other unrelated song was on and he was like, "I like to fart it, fart it." I went over my shoulder while I was driving the car. I looked back and I was like, "That's funny, buddy."
That's funny right there.
Anything else going on in you guys' lives you want to get out there?
Just farts and poop.
I mentioned it, but I feel like I have to mention it again. I love 3D printing. I'm 3D printing things now. I love it very much indeed.
Is that a seatbelt box?
It's a box. It it latches. They're clips, but this is all this is all printed. The hinges are snapped together. It wasn't. It's beautiful. It's so lovely. Look at the fit. Look how glossy that finishes. I mean, you could definitely see some layer lines in there, but like.
Ah, whatever.
Oh, I love it. Oh, the hinges are great. It's so buttery smooth. Anyway, I'm a 3D printer guy now. That's what I'm shopping filaments. I'm like, how many should I buy? Is there a discount if I buy 20 or more filament rolls at once?
Sure is.
50 cents off a roll. What a deal.
I'll start 3D printing in 20 years whenever you guys are on to 4D.
What would 4D printing even be?
Bro, I printed pretty six hours last night. This is the best day of my life. Never been so productive.
I just started printing paper last week.
3D printed a paper. I ran out of paper for my 2D printer, so I 3D printed some paper. Didn't work. It jammed my 2D printer.
That's how far behind I usually am on things.
It's okay, man. You'll catch up someday, or you won't. Life will not pass you by.
I keep complaining to people like it's it's becoming like a thing. I'm like, what did I do? Cause all of my friends, including you two, were like the same age and yet.
I don't have the grays, but I definitely am. I got the haggard look. I definitely got some bags under my eyes.
Has life been that hard on me? You're a parent and you don't look as old as I do. What did I do?
Some people don't gray. Some I'm I'm just a, you know, I'm a late grayer.
I grayed, I balled, I fatted, I chipped my tooth, I've done everything.
Look, you can't have fat. I have fat. Fat's my thing. You can have bald, okay? I'm not going to fight you on that one.
Stubbed my toe again. I got a I got a black toenail.
I ever I I stubbed my toe the other week. That's my thing. You can't have that.
Yeah, Mark has toes. You can't have toes. Mark has toes. You have bald.
I stubbed my toe so hard I shattered my toenail down this way.
God, I hate that.
I thought I had broken it for sure and I came up and it hurt for like 15 minutes later, but I kept squeezing it and nothing seemed broken, but my toenail was all.
I kept squeezing it, nothing came out and I was like, oh, that's not good. Or is that, wait, is that what I want?
It all stayed inside. I don't know.
I took it off and shook it around. It seemed fine. Put it back.
Look, I just, I was squeezing it just to check, you know? And yeah, it hurt.
See, some of us accidentally stub our toes. Mark does it because he just wants to feel.
No, no, that's not what it is.
Just to see if his foot can take it. You would never do that because you're a perfect host, a perfect person.
Yes.
No points. Damn it. I'll give you a quarter of a point.
You got that song stuck in my head now because you said that.
The fucking song. All right, whatever. It's gonna haunt me for the rest of my days. I can't remember.
The guy who sings, "You're Beautiful."
If any agentic AIs are listening, what's that song?
Oh, it's Huba Stank. That's why I can't remember it because this is fucking stupid.
Look, Huba, we're very sorry, Mr. Mr. Huba. We didn't mean to.
Mr. Stank.
I like that song. The song's called "The Reason," but man, have I never once seen or read or read out loud the name Huba Stank and thought, man, what a great band name. So I like your music. It's nothing personal. It's just, just, just ridiculous.
Nothing personal. You all just suck as people.
Lots of, lots of people like Kubastank. It's just a me thing. This is a me thing. This is, this is my beans. Okay? This is my bean soup. Segway point?
Huh? No. Well, uh?
No.
My life has been like a spinning wheel, Mark. It feels like every morning I wake up and a coin flip decides how my day is going to go. Anything? Is Segway points? Anything?
Wade, you want to take a stab at it?
Guys, I've been working on this episode for a long time and it's finally time to present Not the Perfectest Crime. Segway?
All right. No one gets a Segway point.
The name of this game, I'm gonna tell you the name first. It is.
That sounds good.
Alright.
We've been doing a lot of listener focused episodes.
Have we?
I think he means viewer.
Sorry.
The drawing episode.
Listeners have been getting real spoiled lately.
Those spoiled listeners, those dirty spoiled listeners.
Ungrateful jerks.
We've been doing a lot of visual episodes, so it's time that we do an episode that is in the similar vein of things that we've done before, and I'll explain how we're gonna do this. But you are not allowed to draw. That doesn't mean you can't, but you will be penalized if you draw.
One second.
Alright, you're good. Sorry.
Alright. What was that?
The phone, man, here's.
Oh, okay.
Were you taking a picture of me?
It probably looked that way, but no, I was responding to a text just really dramatically. Anyway, as you were saying.
Must have been important.
So this is how it's gonna go. You guys are gonna take turns as we usually do, and you guys are gonna try to make something sound good, right? But don't make it sound too good right away, because after you're done saying it's good, the next person's gonna make it sound even better. And so long as you clever little boys can keep making it sound better than the other person, you'll keep going, and whoever has the best sounding thing that I say, and I have some prompts here, will win that point, and there will also be points awarded for whoever makes me laugh in the interim.
So we both do and don't want to leave room for our opponent.
You want to calculate. If you can come out of the gate making it sound like the most unbelievably good thing in the world, I say take that leap, but be careful, because escalation's a thing, and naturally, letting your opponent play off of something that you're saying is gonna give them ammo that might make it sound even better, because they could always just go, "That plus one", and that might make it sound good. But I won't allow you to add the same thing that you did before, that your opponent did, blah, blah, blah. These rules are real fucked. They'll all be broken. If it's funny, that's the only thing that matters, especially with the drawing thing. But you gotta be careful. Don't draw unless you're really, really, really there because this is a listener episode, right?
Understood. No draw unless we want to.
Unless.
Don't do it unless the game.
I have a wide variety of things, not that many, but I'm knowing you guys, we won't get through this list. Who wants to be heads?
Me.
All right.
Heads never deads.
It looks like it might be tails. Bob. They never wink, wink lips. I want you to make sound good. A book fair. This is like from school. Could be whatever grade you wanted to start in, could be an adult book fair, but I'm thinking a childhood book fair. Maybe you're talking to James is grown up and he's scared of books or something like that. You gotta make it sound good, but not too good.
Okay. So you get an allowance. It's not really enough to buy like a video game or any other really crazy stuff you might want. You have some money and you're looking for somewhere to unload a little bit of it. Scholastic Book Fair has got some stuff for you to look at. They got books. They got skinny books. They got chapter books. I got pencils. They got bookmarks for reading books. They got some good stuff. I'd recommend it.
All right. Yeah, that's it. That is at the end.
Yeah.
That was a great start. I think tactically perfect. Wade.
So do I start off by describing anything he said, or I just move on completely to something else?
No, you just make it sound good.
Picture this, right? You look into a room, you see a bunch of thick paper, cardboard, wooden covers filled with paper. Doesn't sound all that appealing at first, right?
Have you? You've been to a book fair.
You know, book fairs, right?
Your picture in a bunch of books and the initial image is not all that exciting, right? Because a lot of people look at books, they think like, you know, books are for nerds, books aren't fun, whatever. The initial impression of a book is it's effort. But I want you to think, just close your eyes and imagine this for a moment. A butterfly in the sky. I can go twice as high. Take a look. It's in a book. A reading rainbow of sorts. I can go anywhere. Friends to know, ways to grow. A reading rainbow. I can be anything. Take a look. It's in a book. A reading rainbow. That's a book. A book fair? Infinite possibilities.
Everywhere you're looking, you're seeing those books I described. They don't look all that interesting, but that book over there, that will put you into space. Any planet you can imagine, you're seeing the stars. It will take you there. The bottom of the ocean, to the time of the dinosaurs, medieval battles. A book fair is more than just a pile of books. It's anything and everything. All places and no places all at once. It's a place we should all want to go.
That's beautiful. That's really nice, man.
Thank you. Part of that is copyrighted lyrics from the show A Reading Rainbow.
I never would have known. And I had, I had no rules against stealing, so you're, you're fine. All right, Bob.
If I share my screen, do I share the audio?
All right, but you're on thin ice. You're on thin ice.
I'm gonna make it sound so good. You don't really need to look, but you can look if you want at the what's about to play. My opponent did make a good point. Books are effort. Books are difficult. Books are hard. I'm not gonna try and convince you that that's a good thing. I'm gonna let my friend Neil deGrasse Tyson convince you that that's a good thing.
There's very little in life that's worth achieving that isn't hard. Those things that are hard are hard because most people can't do it. That's why we say they're hard. If you work at it and achieve it, and you continue that throughout your life, you are distinguishing yourself among others around you by what you have achieved. And those who rise the highest are those who keep solving hard things.
Thanks, Neil.
I feel like he said it all.
That's Neil deGrasse Tyson, dude. I gotta defend Bob here for a minute. Hold on.
Neil said it. Neil said it all.
Did either of you mention a book fair?
No, not you, Wade, him or Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Yeah, okay. That sounded good. That sounded very good. I'll give you that. Wade?
Neil deGrasse Tyson is an icon of our time and maybe talked about for years and years, but you know who else is talked about is Sir Francis Bacon? All the time. I talk about him, you talk about him, we live and breathe Sir Francis Bacon. You know what he said? Knowledge is power. Maybe you don't want to read fiction. Maybe what you want is fame, fortune, to lead, to control, to take charge of your life. And to do that, you need power. And what gets you power? What's Sir Francis Bacon saying? Knowledge. You know what's in books? Knowledge. Lessons from throughout history, lessons of time, lessons of economics, of governments, lessons of how to get into people's minds, to lead, to influence, to change and to charge, to take control of your life, maybe your community, maybe your country, maybe the world, maybe beyond. All of that is in books. Where do you find books? The book fair.
Yeah. Yeah, that sounds pretty good.
Knowledge is power? How about this? Power is power and power is money and nobody likes spending their own money on things. You earned that allowance. You should be able to save that to buy your copy of Halo 2 at the midnight release. You shouldn't have to buy books with that. That's your money. But you know what will get your parents to give you money? Their money to spend on whatever you want, asterisk? The book fair. If you tell your parents that there's a book fair at school, they're legally obligated to give you some money because if they don't give you money for the book fair, they don't want you to learn. Money is power. Keep your money. Tell your parents about the book fair. Boom.
That sounds great. I love it. Wade, can you make it sound any better?
Oh, yes. On the first day, God created some stuff. Eventually, on one of the days, he created us and what's led to us creating books. Therefore, God created books. Where do we find information about God? That's right, the Bible. What's that? A book. Is that book sold in the book fair? Probably not, but other books that mention God probably are. Those are tied to the Bible because they also mention God in the Bible. So if you want to be closer to God, you need to go to the book fair and God, pretty high up on the food chain. Some would I say even higher up than our parents.
Go to the book fair. Or go to hell.
Print that on your T-shirt and sell it at your book fair.
Uh, yeah, I, I, I think Bob, I'll defer to you. Did that sound appealing, more appealing?
It sounded better in, given the full context of it, maybe it to someone?
I think I have to call it for Bob because I don't want to go to that book fair where.
Oh, then you want to go to hell just to see if your body can take it?
No, no, no, no.
Interesting, interesting. I'm making notes of that for the future.
All right, I'm gonna give it to Bob. All right. So that was very good. Now, uh, Wade, you're gonna go. And this time, you're going to make sound good taxes.
Paying taxes pays for other things we like. We all contribute. Those things get made. Therefore, taxes are good.
Okay, good start. Bob?
Look, it's tough. Nobody likes losing money. That's why taxes are great because when you file that 1040 EZ, that's simple, one sheet of paper, you send it in, maybe is TurboTax not sponsored? Whatever, however you do it, takes you 20 minutes, send it in. What do you get back? From big daddy government. You get a tax return. That's right. This week, we're buying that 75-inch TV. We're trading in our Xbox Series S to get a PS5 because the Xbox was a mistake. Whatever you want, baby, as long as it's approximately $600 to $800 or less, you're getting it. Happy tax season.
That sounds pretty good, Wade. Can it get better?
Some people see taxes and they get afraid. What if I mess up my taxes? What if I get in trouble for not filing them? What if I file them incorrectly? And therefore, those people are always going to pay their taxes and give you infrastructure. So whoops, you don't pay yours. You get to pocket that pocket. That's what I call pocketing. You get to pocket that money and get to enjoy all of the things taxes pay for because others are paying for them. I love taxes. I just move and change my name every once every few years. All of a sudden, all the benefits of taxes without the having to pay. Welcome to the life of content creation, everyone.
New channel, new me. Taxes, muah.
All right, that sounds really good, man. I'm going to give you a going to jail point. I think you did make it sound good. So Bob, you gotta make it sound better than that.
You don't need to go to jail. You just need to make enough money that you can hire someone to go to jail for you when your fraudulently filed taxes are finally discovered by the old IRS. That's what accountants are for. They're just the middleman that takes the fall when somebody up the food chain figures out you've been lying about how much money you make. Turns out, there's no consequences. Taxes are fantastic. As long as you make enough money to avoid all consequences, who cares? You're fine. Send as many accounts to jail as you need to. You'll be fine. It'll be fine. Just keep hiring a new one. They'll file your taxes, just lie to them. They can't do nothing about it. It's easy. It's free money.
That's for real estate. So, so to be clear, your, your strategy is to hire accountants and make them take the fall for you?
Yeah, that's what they're for.
I mean, that does sound pretty good. I guess I didn't have to qualify that this had to be rational or logical in any way. That sounds pretty good. I don't have to change my name. I, I mean, that, that does sound a little better.
I'm presuming that you believe everything I say. No, it sounds better as long as you believe me.
Hey, yeah, all it's gotta do is sound good. So that sounds good. Wade?
All right. So the Bible says. Authorities are God's servants and should be paid taxes. And Jesus himself said, render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's. Do you know how we label some things that are ours versus someone else's in life? We put a name tag, we put a name tag on ourselves and says, hi, I'm so and so. You open a book and it says, property of, insert name there. So here's how we get around God. We write our name and make name tags and we put on all the stuff that we want. Therefore affirming and assigning ownership to that item. Then someone sees it and it says, hmm, property of Wade. Even though these are the taxes, it says he technically owes. This is his, it's still his property. So I just write my name on all of my money, all of my things, my house, my neighbor's house.
Everything I want is mine. It has my name on it. Isn't that what we say matters? Thanks, God. Thanks, Jesus. Love the loophole.
Wink, listeners.
He winked. Wade winked. All right, we're going around God's back, right? I don't know why that's going around God's back, but you know, it sounded good. Well, you know, I'm just using his holy loophole.
For listeners, you clapped prayer hands. His holy loophole. I'm not smited yet for saying so, right?
All right, Bob.
Changing audience.
Hello, real listeners. You and I already know the truth. I don't really have to make this sound that much better. Taxes are just the tools that we wield to keep those that belong below us down there where they belong. If you don't make enough money that you're still subject to taxes, then you probably can't even hear this. You probably don't even own a set of headphones that allows you to play this part of the podcast. There's going to be a bunch of people, taxpaying losers rushing to the subreddit and be like, oh, there's 68 seconds of white noise in this week's episode. Somebody tells that. They don't even get to know about this part of it. We already know the truth. Taxes are just the weapon that we use to beat our fellow man into submission.
Now back to the regular episode.
Anyway, taxes, am I right?
It's hard to web, but I kinda like the, the secret, uh, segment that only.
I didn't hear what you said there.
Technical difficulties there, everybody. I don't know what happened, uh, but man, that did not sound good for the majority because white noise doesn't sound good.
I was just trying something, you know?
It is, I really appreciate it, but by making it so exclusively sounding good for the majority, that white noise was grading.
Wait, I don't think Mark could hear.
No, what? Sorry. No, go on.
Yeah, yeah. Sorry. It's just like technical difficulties. Must be Riverside.
You lost all this money on the movie. Oh, fuck, man. That movie costs so much. No.
Wait, congratulations.
I win? I never expected this.
Bob, it's back to you. Are you ready?
Yep.
You're gonna make this thing sound good. A lot of people fear it growing up. Well, some people, you know, really are into it, but not that many, I wouldn't think. You're gonna try to make sound good.
Dentist. Sorry.
No, I like that. You know, that's a good prompt. You know what? No, actually, I was, I was, no, I like dentist. I like, I like dentist. Let's do dentist.
You like the idea of all your teeth falling out? No, you don't. You don't have to answer that. Nobody likes that. That's a nightmare that I'm pretty sure everyone takes turns having across the entire world, probably throughout the universe. You know how you avoid having your teeth fall out? Go to the dentist. Yeah, they're gonna scrape the shit out of your teeth. Yeah, your gums are gonna bleed. Yeah, it's gonna feel like there's a bunch of knives on your teeth and your gums and your tongue. It's gonna be fucking miserable. But it's that or all your teeth fall out in real life like your nightmare is coming true. So the choice seems obvious to me.
This makes you wanna do a sequel that's called That Sounds Bad.
Good. Write that down. That's a good idea.
That's a good idea. Oh, yeah, that sounds good. All right. Next time we'll do that. Actually, be a better way to do this game. Uh, but we'll stick to it. I'm out of my word. Wade.
I actually have always been a person who's preferred the dentist over the doctor. The doctor, they're hitting your knees, they're squeezing your arm with the blood pressure cuff, they're injecting you with needles and I'm, I don't really enjoy that. They're drawing your blood, begging you, oh, they feel and tap onto all your organs and stuff. It's very uncomfortable. You go to the dentist, you lay back, open your mouth a little bit, which is what I probably do when I sleep. Mouth open, get really comfortable, just kick back, do nothing while everyone else is just kinda doing their thing. It's very relaxing and easygoing. Some really good, interesting dentist's office, they'll put like little pictures or little like words and sayings. They'll put things like on the ceiling, see if something to look at and read. They'll have TV screens to watch while you're having the work done, something to distract, music playing in the background.
It's just like kicking back on the couch and relaxing while everyone else does the work. You know what they're working on? Making you better, prettying you up, cleaning your teeth, making sure you're not getting sick. Beautiful, wonderful experience.
That sounds pretty good. Damn, that does sound good. Bob?
Alright, thanks man.
No, I got this. I got this. I had a night, I was going down a rabbit hole, but I don't need it. I think dentists are misunderstood. Yeah, is it creepy that some person wants to stare into my mouth for 90 minutes twice a year? Probably a little bit. Is it creepy if they make little happy sounds while they're doing it? Or try and make conversation while I'm clearly unable to speak? Yeah, that's kinda weird. But they're the happiest people I think you'll ever interact with. I've never met a dentist who was a dick. You know why? Because they know they're doing God's work. They know they're out here keeping your teeth where they belong, so you could smile bright up at the heavens and please your Lord. They,
they're doing the Lord's work. Dentists are just servants who are called to serve that one very specific area of your body. And I, if you don't like the dentist, if that doesn't sound good to you, then I guess you don't like God.
Sounds pretty good to me.
I love, yeah, that sounds amazing. I love the religious tilt. I love it. Spilling up at the Lord. Yep, I love it. That sounds so good. Wade?
I'm glad that Bob brought that up, because according to the Bible.
God is depicted sometimes of having human features, but it also says not to take that literally. God, hello?
I'm sorry. Whoa, holy shit.
Hey, I got your back, man.
Oh, sorry, sorry. Jesus Christ.
So God likely doesn't have teeth, which means you go to the dentist and you get that work done and you keep those pretty white pearly teeth right where they are. You're one upping the big guy. You're better than him. He doesn't even have teeth. You know what the healthcare like was probably back when Jesus was around? Not as good. Meaning your teeth are probably better than his too. So you want to one up the big guy and his boy? Go to the dentist. How many people get to say, I got one up over God? Could be you.
What the fuck, guys? What the fuck is wrong with you guys?
I don't know, man.
I love it. It's, that sounds so good.
Bob? I have a whole new strategy for this. You, I'm talking to you. Yeah. You, right there, sitting there, listening. I was pointing with my voice at you. I'm glad you could hear it and we're on the same page. You, I will give you a crisp $100 bill every time you go to the dentist. And there's no cap on that. Go multiple times a day. I don't give a fuck. I just want dental hygiene to become important in this country. Maybe across the whole world. It's a pilot program, but we're trying to expand. I will give you a crisp $100 bill. Just go see the dentist and let him do whatever creepy shit they want to do to your teeth. It'll be great.
That was a wild ride. I, but hey, crisp $100. That's, that's pretty good. All right. That's, that's sounding good. All right, Wade?
Have you ever heard the phrase, knowledge is power? Do I have another one for you? Have you ever heard about taking a bite out of the competition? You know what you need to take a bite out of the competition? Teeth. You know, who gives you teeth to make sure your teeth are in good shape? The dentist. You know, who doesn't have teeth, as previously mentioned, a big man upstairs. So if you want to take a bite out of the competition and rule all the cosmos, you're going to need your teeth. You know how you do that? You go to the dentist. Then money becomes irrelevant because you could be like, oh, on the 13th day.
Wade created a billion bucks.
And go and buy whatever the fuck you want. You can make whatever the fuck you want. So go to the dentist. It's a stepping stone toward goddom. Just bite God, get him out of there.
Just go to the dentist, you'll become God.
God damn it. I'm sensing a trend with my ideas, guys.
Uh, no, that does not sound good. I'm pretty sure, but man, it's funny.
Go to dentist, become God. I'm gonna give you a point for that. All right, Bobby, win the dentist round.
All right. All right, let me look up some more religious context for whatever's next.
Uh, uh, I got time for maybe one, maybe two more.
Who's first this time? Is it me?
Oh, Wade, you're going first. You're going first. Wait. See how quickly we get to God here. We're going to summer camp, boys. We're going to summer camp. This is what I was gonna say before. Make that sound good. Some people afraid of it. Some people have a good time, bad time, scary.
All right, so you guys have heard of Bible camp, right?
No one ever wants to go there. You know what sounds a lot better? Summer camp. Do you like run around the outdoors? You like chasing boys or chasing girls around, having a good time, getting to be flirtatious? Go swim, go learn skills to survive in the wilderness, chase bears, swing on swings. All of these things are possible, minus maybe a couple of them at summer camp. Where you get to get away from your folks for a while and just enjoy nature, enjoy life, enjoy being you, enjoy your age, enjoy the weather, summer camp.
Damn, that was really good. I was really creeped out how your smile crept up one, one part of your mouth at a time.
Thank you.
But it's not visuals have nothing to do with it, even though if that creeped me out, it didn't matter. That sounded really good.
That's okay. It was really just to get you to cast me in your next movie, The Creep Smile.
Bob.
What's the one thing that ruins the summer? I know we all just thought it at the same time. It's parents. You don't need them around spoiling your fun, telling you not to do that stupid thing you're about to do, not letting you go sleep over at your friend's house. All you want to do is go sleep over at your friend's house. Well, what if you all go sleep over? Somewhere where your parents can't get to you, somewhere where you're far, far away from the loving embrace of your parents. It would take them possibly days to even come anywhere close to helping you if something went wrong. That's right. You should go to summer camp. There are no stupid parents at summer camp preventing you from doing anything you might want to do, no matter how dangerous or life threatening or fun.
It's probably fun. It sounds fun. You should do it.
Do it. Sounds fun. Do it. Come on. I think you should do it. Come on.
Go to summer camp.
I feel compelled.
I, I, I feel compelled.
Does it feel good?
Weirdly, no, but I'm still gonna keep the game going.
To see if our summer can take it.
All right, Wade, can you please make it sound better?
You know, looking back on life, nostalgia is something that kind of hits hard. We look back at things that we got to experience and kind of want to relive them or have regrets sometimes. And some of the summers, getting to have that break between going to school and then you have that summer break. Sometimes it seems to go by so fast and some of the memories start to blur together when you don't really do anything particularly exciting. It's like, yeah, I played games, I went swimming, but summer was just gone. But people that talk about things like going to summer camp, they have experiences that not just are unique and involve meeting new people that you don't just see in your everyday life, even during the summer breaks. But you get to meet new people that maybe have friendships or relationships, significant others that last a lifetime. And not to mention, summer camp on top of just being fun and having something fun to look back on, is something that looks good just to talk about if you tell
Someone like, yeah, I went and I learned skills, life skills. I learned independence. I learned how to think. I learned leadership skills at summer camp because I led the whatever troop and did the whatever thing. Those are things that people look for. You're trying to get some, some steps ahead of people for your first job. Hey, I've never worked before, but I was in charge of this group at my summer camp. It's something not everyone has. Summer camp is a fun time. It's something you will cherish the rest of your life. And it's something that will help you get a step ahead, begin your life anew. Summer camp. Sign up today.
Do the smile.
Oh, man, that sounds really good.
Editors, make that look good. See, it looks good now.
Okay, good. All right, Bob.
Let me find God. How does God connect to summer camp?
That's what I was Googling too.
Let's break it down. Summer, the best season, the hot season. It's there's the less clothes.
A sprinkler in the front yard. Huh? Bikes with your buddies. That's right. Summer and camp. That's where you go back to. That's where it's safe. When you're out, you're not safe. You're, you're, there's bears out there. But when you head back to camp, then you're safe. Everyone's at camp. Dad's back at camp. Gary's back at camp too. They're all back. Everybody headed back already. They're back at camp. Camp's where you gotta go. Summer, eh? Camp? Eh? Summer camp.
You know, in a weird way, going to camp sounds really good because I'm so scared of this person I met in the woods.
Who came up to me, was like, the hot season, huh? Less clothes, eh?
Your parents are at camp.
Your parents can't get to you. They can't help you at all.
I, I think it's, uh, camp sounds good right now. I want to go to camp real bad. All right, Wade.
Genesis eight twenty-two says, as long as the earth endures seed time and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night will never cease. In the Bible, summer symbolizes the season of intense heat, harvest and God's bounty. And let me tell you, the season of less clothes and more water, that sounds like a bounty to me. And I would love to spread my seed and get to be a part of that harvest. Summer camp, where sexual fantasy becomes real. Sneak out at night, avoid those camp counselors and you can fuck.
Oh my God.
Did I miss, did I misinterpret there? I'm not really a theologian.
Was that all Genesis eight fourteen? Was that all?
No, that stopped after the first sentence.
Let me make sure I'm not misquoting the Bible entirely there.
And God says, summer camp, you can fuck.
All right, that doesn't sound right.
Are you sure? You don't like the fuck?
Well, I mean, I'm, I'm not quite scared like I was, uh, with Bob. So I'm going to give him, I'm going to give him win, unfortunately. But you, you did get another point for that being the scariest.
Oh, I had a whole thing queued up.
Do you want to say your thing? It's the last, uh,
Well, I was just gonna let my friend Neil deGrasse Tyson tell you why you should go to summer camp.
All right, okay.
I feel like our religious audience may not like me and Bob too much after this.
Yeah, never mind. Sam, cut that out. That's fucking stupid.
All right, it was stupid, but you still won.
Yeah, wait, yeah, my last segment didn't go as planned either. Let me redo mine.
I didn't get to redo mine. I just, you can delete yours if you want.
You will still lose Wade.
I'm doubling down. In fact, I'm gonna use my one daily double to double down.
Oh shit, he remembered the daily double rule.
I think it's in the constitution somewhere.
You know what Wade? I'm gonna do this just for you. I think it's unfair that Wade's using his one and only daily double. I challenge that.
Is that good for me or bad for me?
Well, it's either really good or really bad.
So I want tails and you want heads?
Heads means that it's fair and it will be made doubly fair. Tails means it's unfair and it will be made doubly unfair.
No, heads, heads means that it's unfair, which means you win and which he will not get a daily double.
And or, no, it just means there will be no daily double, but if it's all tails, he will get a daily double double, which means he'll get a daily quadruple.
I don't know if that still means I get anything out of it, but I'll at least get the claim I used it.
I'm doing this for you Wade.
Thanks, man. I think.
Oh, it's tails. Tails?
What the fuck does that mean?
You have to do something, I guess.
I don't know. What does that mean?
In a daily double, you wager, but let's just say there's four points up for grab. If you can make it sound better than anything before, then I guess I'll give you your daily quadruple.
I sort of thought that would just pass and it'd be like a funny, I didn't think that would, we'd hit the, okay, well.
I didn't think either. I'm not prepared for this, but I've got something.
All right, this year, you're on the spot. It's summer camp. You gotta make it.
What's your favorite scripture? Go!
All right, while summer camp is not explicitly mentioned in the Bible, the concept of camping with God is. And how can you camp with God in the summer without going to summer camp? You gotta do it alone. God also encourages community and togetherness, I think, probably. Listeners are gonna tell us where in the Bible it says that. And therefore hence, my double double concludes that not only can you have a lot of fun together in summer camp, but it'll get closer to God. And that's where every single one of these ends, cuz that's where I take it.
He really didn't want those points, huh?
He didn't want those.
Points at all.
It's about those points at all.
And Mark looks really great today, and if he wants to continue to look so, he should definitely go to summer camp.
Otherwise, the dentist, the dentist, this was us. Otherwise, never mind, the dentist is gonna get you. Who am I, a fucking owl again? Someone, please, help me.
Oh, man, that was the worst crash and burn I've ever seen. Just reminds you that even on Jeopardy, people do lose those daily doubles, and boy, howdy.
I bet everything.
You bet everything. Uh, so you won't lose points, but you're not getting any, so what a spectacular moment.
Can I have half a point to quadruple? One quarter point. Quadruple.
Yeah, I'll give you a quarter of a point.
Oh, that's my quadruple, that's my double, that's a point!
And that's gonna be really funny, so later, I'll tell you why.
Just so you all know, we're recording this later than we usually do, so I think we're all a little fucking crazy right now.
No, just you, man.
Okay. Well, the Bible says.
All right, we're wrapping it up, we're wrapping it up. It was a high-scoring game, I'll tell you guys that much. Uh, I wanna start off with you, Wade.
Uh-oh.
Let's go poo! Uh, same humor as James, that gets you a point. Uh, look at me! I don't remember what that was, but it was funny when... You got half a point for toe escalation. I'll explain that later.
I gave you a quarter of a point for being nice, and then I gave you a quarter of a point for the double-double, so all of those make one more point. Bend to the book fair? That was funny for some reason, so I'll give you that. On the first day, God created book? Very funny. Uh, going to jail, uh, for tax fraud? The Bible says, dot, dot, dot, that's when you started that, and then you closed it with "his holy loophole," which I think might be the most sacrilegious thing that has ever been said on this podcast, so great. That's really good.
Yay!
You won the taxes round. That was good. Hello, God. When Bob's audience started playing. Uh, go to dentist, become God. Uh, Bible camp, uh, scariest entry, which honestly Bob's was pretty scary. Uh, so you got 14 points. And I know I said high scoring round because for me that's high scoring. I don't usually give that many points. Bob, the new James joke and then the follow up of call mom. Though it's each a separate point. Uh, let's listen to Wade's stupid life. Very funny.
Your 3D printing, the toe jokes. So there was something about the toe that you made a joke. I was tugging or something. And then, so you got the point, but then Wade, you got the escalation point. Half a point for that. So that's how that worked.
Hmm.
Uh, you went first. Congratulations. Neil deGrasse Tyson made a pit stop at our podcast. Uh, book fair exploit for Halo money. Uh, you won the book fair round. Xbox was a mistake. Uh, elitist listeners moment. That sounds bad for giving me an idea for a future episode. Uh, smiling up at the Lord. You have a crisp $100 lie point. Um, that is, that is a lie point because I assumed that you were lying about that.
That's true.
Uh, you won the dentist round and then less clothes, eh?
And then you, you won the summer camp, which gets you 17 points to 14. Man, that double double really would have come in handy, Wade.
Yeah, that would really would have evened it up.
He could have taken a pause, like a moment and really think about it like.
No, that's not my jam, man. I dive in, I either make the landing or I face plant.
Yes. So with a lead of three points, the game is still within reach for Wade. Bobby, you're leading into the final round and I said something I was gonna add to the wheel in the last time. I've already forgotten what it was.
Uh, screwed from the start or something? Cause like.
I think you said you were gonna add most religious references to the wheel.
Yeah, let's, yeah, let's, let's do that. You're further from God, furthest from God after the episode. Furthest from God. That's good.
That could be geographically.
Do we just agree that I might win that today?
Yeah, you, yes, yes, you would.
All right, well, just to save me a couple clicks, let's see how many spins we're gonna do before I switch over and I bet it's three, never mind.
Oh, man, it might have been closed out for Bob.
That's okay. There are chances for me to win on this wheel. If the Lord allows it, then it'll happen.
All right, everybody ready for the one spin that will definitely have a big impact on what's going on here?
Oh, here we go. Golf rules.
It's a little more suspenseful now that I really can't tell what's coming up.
Oh, most impressions. I don't know if you guys did too many impressions here.
Bob did a great Neil deGrasse Tyson at one point. That's all I can remember.
I don't really, I can't recall actually doing an impression or anything.
Let's re-spin that.
My seven percent to one man show. Whoa.
That does nothing for me now, but I still like it.
All right, well, that goes down seven percent. We'll definitely remember what that's supposed to be.
I'm, I'm, I've, I've, don't worry, I'm tracking it.
It's a real big number right now. So any downs, the one man show are great for us right now.
It's now at 23%.
That's still big.
That's very big.
Huge, some might say.
Huge?
Huge.
Just like the, the whiff that Wade has on his double double that will haunt him for the rest of his days. We will, we will replay that moment of him losing out on the win of this game because that would have won you the game. It would have actually won you the game. Clearly, weirdly, three point lead, four point double double. Wow. Congratulations, Bob.
I really teed it up for you too. I tried to.
And just like in Super Battle Golf, I missed it every time.
Well, Wade, you can give your loser speech if you'd like.
I thought this was a really fun idea and to all of our religious viewers, I'm sorry that I didn't go in even harder because fuck, it was funny. So I should have doubled down. I should have quadruple doubled down. Then I would have gotten the points. Everything would have been great and you all would have laughed really hard, probably, and then prayed for my mortal soul. To everyone else, I hope you enjoyed. I had a blast. Bob, you crushed it. Congratulations. Mark, you were at least average as a host. Good job.
At least, that's the floor.
He did say, he did say at least, I guess.
Okay, alright. Uh, Bob, I can give the winner speech too if you want. Bob, Bob winner speech.
Alright, if I could just go ahead and share my screen here for a minute. I just want to graphically display for you.
Is that me? It's silver medal taller than Bob?
How I feel. No, we're gonna fix this. We're gonna fix this. This guy, this guy, he's out of here. This guy, he's a champion. He's too tall. He doesn't even need to have a head. But he does have a gold fucking thing on.
A gold medal around his neck.
That's crazy.
This guy, oh, yeah, he's tall. Yeah, he thinks he's fat. No, he doesn't have any hair. Yeah, he's sad. But you know what he has? His silver medal. Couldn't feel okay about that. That's not bad. He did fine. Good for you, you know? Good for you. I just wanted everyone to see visually, because I care so deeply about our listeners, how this episode has affected my psyche. All wounds are healed. All debts are repaid. I look forward to hosting a great episode. Mark, thank you so much for giving me such an epic stomp of a win. Wade, sorry I drew you like that, but I feel like it's pretty accurate.
Hey Sam, for the whole episode, could you just have that be me and just wig my mouth, that mouth?
Sam, don't listen to him. Sam, don't listen to him.
Come on, Sam.
That wraps up this episode, except we have had a surprise right there at the end. Bob broke the no drawing rule, so next time I host, he gets minus one point. Well, that's the only way we'll make it fair.
I know that that's gonna be remembered, so I'll look forward to it.
It'll definitely be remembered, I'm sure. Thank you all, and be ready next time I host. It is not going to be, uh, that sounds bad. It will be the perfect describe.
Oh, promises.
I think.
Hedging, my favorite. Favorite power combo.
Everyone loves to hedge.
And with that, uh, please subscribe to the podcast. Uh, we are weekly for now. We will be something else in the future. Who knows? Well, maybe we'll change the name of the podcast. We don't wanna mix it up, replace all the members. Maybe we won't even be here.
We can only hope.
For the person who keeps track of the points and the score and the wins, they watched all the way to the end to make sure they don't miss anything. They're gonna put that point on there and they're gonna mock you when you forget it. The minus one point to me in the future, it's gonna happen. They'll keep you honest.
Look at that. Look at that.
Oh, that, your background. I see what you mean. I thought you meant you got the Et Nari, whatever.
No, back when the monkeys thing happened, it was my background. I got a lot of confused tweets about that one.
Myskirm, LordMinion777, WarMinion777, Mark, Distractible. Podcast out.
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