Wade's Worst House Issues (Compilation)

If this compilation proves anything, it's that the Curse Of The Drowned Man is still alive well (despite what certain Bald-Face liars may want to believe.) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  This episode of Distractible is presented to you by T-Mobile 5G Home Internet.

• 0:05Speaker 01

  The folks over at T-Mobile have some big news for you. They now have the fastest 5G home internet, according to the experts at Ookla Speed Test.

• 0:12Speaker 02

  So if you want the fastest 5G speeds with a five-year price guarantee, visit t-mobile.com/homeinternet to check availability.

• 0:19Speaker 00

  Price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Fastest based on Ookla Speed Test. Intelligence data, second half 2025. All rights reserved.

• 0:28Speaker 03

  From brown muddy showers to miscellaneous mishaps.

• 0:34Speaker 03

  It's time for Wade's Worst House Issues.

• 0:39Speaker 02

  Have we, have we talked much since I had to replace five toilets?

• 0:42Speaker 00

  Wait, what? When did you have to replace five toilets?

• 0:45Speaker 01

  That's like all the toilets at your house.

• 0:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 0:47Speaker 02

  For some reason, in, in Ohio, some of these houses are built, they're like three bedrooms, but they're like, you know what? You need five bathrooms. And everyone's like, oh, man, five bathrooms. No, you don't. You don't want to see a five bathroom.

• 0:58Speaker 01

  Everyone in Ohio only eats junk food, so they just constantly have the runs, right? So you need toilets close by in case you got a diarrhea.

• 1:05Speaker 02

  I guess so. I don't know why there are so many bathrooms, but let me tell you, all that it means is literally more shit to clean. So much.

• 1:13Speaker 00

  It's so bizarre. In my entire life, and I have owned a house, I have lived in apartments, I have never had a toilet break on me. I've never seen a toilet like just, just in my own home at least, just, yeah, I've never seen a toilet shut down.

• 1:27Speaker 02

  Three of the five have broken and I was so mad. I was so fed up because we had water damage in the same ceiling that Mormon guy was. I was just like, you know what? I'm done. I don't care what it costs. I called, I was like, bring me five toilets, install them, do my bidding today. Like, oh, we can do it tomorrow. I was like, fine, tomorrow. I literally replaced every toilet in the house because I was just like, I'm so fed up. I'm tired of like every six months, finding more water damage. They're like, eh, we replaced the spikity spukity inside the back of the back of the, you won't have any more drips. It's like, oh, well, fuck right off, because I will.

• 2:04Speaker 01

  That plumber who talks like that is definitely a key component of your problem, I think. If you paid a guy to come into your house and he was all, "Ooh, the spikety-spukety at the back of the bed." That's a red flag, Wade. That's a bad start, okay?

• 2:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's no good, yeah.

• 2:22Speaker 01

  Uh, what's going on with you?

• 2:23Speaker 02

  Uh, nothing. I've been locked in my house for like, two weeks since we got back. Uh, we got family visiting here soon, so I gotta like, clean house. It's like, "Oh, I feel better. Time to clean toilets." So that's my week coming up. Very exciting stuff.

• 2:37Speaker 01

  It takes like, five minutes to clean a toilet.

• 2:39Speaker 02

  This house has five. I live in a house with five toilets. I have a man who has five toilets.

• 2:46Speaker 00

  Wow, man, that's-

• 2:47Speaker 02

  And I've replaced them all once, so technically I've owned ten in this house.

• 2:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, all of them flood. That's your only superpower.

• 2:54Speaker 01

  Just take such prolific shits that no toilet will survive for long.

• 2:58Speaker 02

  Anytime anybody listening ever has a water issue, I get tweeted and blamed for it. Like, anytime someone's like, "I spilled my coffee at work. It got my desk wet. Drowned man curse." It's like, I don't think so.

• 3:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, I couldn't imagine what that must be like. And Mark definitely has no idea.

• 3:17Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm, yeah, nothing like that. Anyway, Bob, how's your fridge?

• 3:21Speaker 01

  Uh, it's fine. Actually, you know what? It's still a piece of shit and I hate it every day.

• 3:26Speaker 00

  Alright.

• 3:27Speaker 02

  You stand there hating it. Things are actually pretty good. We, uh, got rid of our old house, so I'm no longer a man with ten toilets. I'm only a man with five.

• 3:36Speaker 01

  You have five toilets?

• 3:37Speaker 02

  Dude, I feel like every house we've ever looked at in Cincinnati, for some reason, it's like, one bedroom, five toilets.

• 3:43Speaker 01

  You know what? I just, I say that, but I, we do have four toilets in my house. I forgot we-

• 3:47Speaker 02

  I mean, for Cincinnati, man, I don't know, it's because we have chili or what it is, but they're like, "You need toilets. You need so many toilets."

• 3:55Speaker 01

  You gotta have the capacity to dump out on every floor of your house, at least one location, okay?

• 4:01Speaker 02

  You gotta have a master bathroom. Uh, if you have, if you have a two-story house in a basement, which I, I feel like a basement's pretty standard here, but if you have a basement toilet, a main floor toilet, a master toilet, and then like, one upstairs guest toilet, you have to have at least four toilets. Otherwise, it's not really a house. It's a weird warehouse. You've been set up, you're on like, Ashton Kutcher's Punk'd. Was he the one that hosted Punk?

• 4:22Speaker 01

  I think so, actually.

• 4:23Speaker 02

  So, i-if you don't have four toilets or more in Cincinnati, you're, you're on an episode of Punk'd. I've lived here all my life. It's been a twenty-year buildup. He's coming. Ashton is coming. Alright.

• 4:35Speaker 01

  So that's doing well for you?

• 4:36Speaker 02

  Well, having five less toilets is great, yeah.

• 4:39Speaker 01

  That's, that's the takeaway from, alright.

• 4:41Speaker 02

  Thank you for the time.

• 4:42Speaker 01

  Wait, no, can I, I don't, I, so I don't want to get into the details of the transaction because I don't want to dox you or anyone, but what, how was the, the disclosures on your old house in regards to all the water damage stuff?

• 4:55Speaker 02

  Oh, I was very transparent.

• 4:57Speaker 01

  Did you write like a five-page paper of like, and then this toilet leaked and it came through this ceiling and there's pictures in the, in the appendix?

• 5:06Speaker 02

  For every issue we had, we spent so much money trying to fix everything correctly and we redid so many like pipes that like, on the form, I was like, look, somewhere along the ownership lines, there were a lot of like do-it-yourselfers that really sucked. And we spent, whatever, five years redoing their doing and this happened, this happened, this happened and this happened, but we did everything we can to fix it right and we did this, we did that, we replaced this. Like, I was very upfront because honestly, I am proud of the work we had done to that house because we thought it would be our forever home. So we were fixing it up to like be done correctly for that. So I, I had, I fully disclosed every, even things I probably didn't have to disclose. I was like, this happened, we fixed it, you're welcome, buy my house! I would tell you all what's going on in my life, but other than more plumbing issues,

• 5:51Speaker 02

  I do have more plumbing issues.

• 5:53Speaker 01

  You have new plumbing issues?

• 5:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, so, um, we had the backflow thing removed, right? Then they wanted to come like check everything out. They're like, okay, we're just gonna come out, do like an inspection, make sure everything's working good. And they came out, working good. They're like, whoa, whoa, we're here, let's go ahead and just test, like, we'll do your normal inspection, we'll test your faucets and things. The guest room shower, they went to turn on like the tub faucet thing and it was pouring out water. And they're like, alright, they flipped it to the shower, shower like trickles out some water, the tub part's still pouring out and then behind the tub part, water starts spraying, like where it connects to the wall, which is not where it's supposed to be spraying. So we went to replace that and a plumber came back and was like, okay, you guys have the trim thing? I'm like, yep, got it. Is it the right one? Yep, this looks like the right one. Great. Didn't take long. Went to install it and I guess it comes with like an O-ring that helps seal it. And somehow

• 6:39Speaker 02

  the plumber took this new O-ring and just fucking ripped it in half or something and was like... Like, ah, well, I can't finish installing it because you see this O-ring is damaged. I accidentally ripped it whenever I was doing blah, blah, blah, blah. I was like, oh, okay. He's like, don't worry. We got tons of these. I'll get one. Be back out tomorrow to fix it. They have ghosted me since. I've heard nothing.

• 6:56Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 6:58Speaker 00

  Oh, no.

• 6:58Speaker 02

  This O-ring is lost in the void. Per usual, we've got company coming soon. And I guess I've got to rule out that particular bedroom because, well, the bathroom.

• 7:08Speaker 02

  If you try to use the shower. Also, this is a more subtle thing that doesn't apply to everyone. If you get a generator installed, your generator comes with a set of keys that keeps it locked up. So people can't just access it that are going by. Highly recommend you don't lose the keys because man, oh, man, could they not inspect the generator? If you don't have the keys. Not saying I lost my keys. I'm just telling you all out there, don't.

• 7:31Speaker 01

  You know what? That axiom that I live by when you're talking about keys is don't lose them.

• 7:39Speaker 01

  Doesn't matter if it's for a bike lock, for a cabinet, maybe you got keys for, you know, for some kind of deck box, generator. You know what I do is I just keep those.

• 7:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:52Speaker 01

  No, what you gotta do is you've got to sneak into Wade's house and just start pouring cups of water around the bases of all the toilets. Fucking goddammit, no. Wade walks into a dark bathroom and flicks the lights on and there's like 16 ounces of water on the floor. And he's like, no, you're new is the new is the. You guys remember when Wade's toilet leaked water for like two years straight?

• 8:13Speaker 00

  Yes, I did.

• 8:14Speaker 02

  Just this year I had to replace all the toilets. It happened again this year.

• 8:18Speaker 00

  Dude, my mind was blown because I was on TikTok just browsing and I saw someone in a drowned man shirt. And it was just like they were doing a completely different bit, not related. They were just wearing it casually. And I'm like, oh my, oh my God.

• 8:32Speaker 01

  That's cool.

• 8:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's very weird. Yeah.

• 8:38Speaker 00

  This episode is brought to you by T-Mobile 5G Home Internet. You already know that T-Mobile 5G Home Internet is ridiculously easy to set up with a price that doesn't feel like you're getting scammed every month. But here's something new worth noting. T-Mobile now has the fastest 5G home internet, according to the experts at Ookla Speed Test. No, seriously, their 5G home internet speeds are officially the fastest, which means that when you're downloading all your movies that aren't mine, every single one except for mine, you'll get them at the fastest speeds possible, along with all your video calls and uploading files and maybe even streaming something in the background, you know?

• 9:15Speaker 02

  And yeah, it is still a great value. Back by a five-year price guarantee, so your bill doesn't slowly creep up when you're not paying attention. So if you want the fastest 5G home internet with a simple setup and savings that actually stick, head over to t-mobile.com/homeinternet to check availability today. Price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Fastest based on Ookla Speed Test Intelligence data, second half 2025. All rights reserved.

• 9:39Speaker 00

  But this week, we're going to be starting it in an unusual fashion. We're going to be starting with small talk.

• 9:44Speaker 02

  Oh, boy. A lot of great things, lot of great things. Did you know radon is a thing? And there's systems that mitigate it. And boy, when those systems go wrong and they buzz for like four or five seconds, they make a horrible kicking noise every four minutes throughout all of your entire life. And you can even hear it in your bedroom and you're trying to go to sleep and like you get that moment where it's like, uh, kind of wakes your ass up real quick. So, man, I'm on a kick. Uh, who needs coffee, energy drinks when you have radon mitigation?

• 10:14Speaker 01

  Okay, just turn it off.

• 10:16Speaker 02

  Apparently I can unplug it. I found that out today. Yeah, you should have, I guess, if you have a basement or you're near water, whatever else, like a little radon detection. At very, very least, if you do have high radon, mitigation is important because radon can eventually lead to lung cancer and other bad things. You don't want that, so.

• 10:30Speaker 00

  Radon is a radioactive gas that has no smell, color, or taste, produced from the natural radioactive decay of uranium, which is found in all rocks and soils. That was eBay.

• 10:40Speaker 02

  How much, uh, so are you on a list now for searching eBay for radon?

• 10:44Speaker 00

  I don't think so. I don't think radon is really something you could buy in bulk.

• 10:48Speaker 01

  It's a, it's a gas that seeps into basements. I don't think it's.

• 10:51Speaker 02

  Well, you haven't gone to Costco or Sam's and looked for it.

• 10:53Speaker 01

  I was at Costco today, didn't have any radon.

• 10:56Speaker 00

  Well, that's unfortunate, so weight is irradiated. I mean, I have lenses that are somewhat radioactive, but I think it's okay.

• 11:03Speaker 02

  I think that's why I'm bald.

• 11:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's you really should stop blocking the radon with the top of your head. You should go chin up sometimes.

• 11:10Speaker 02

  I am the mitigation system.

• 11:12Speaker 01

  It's all absorbing into your scalp to keep your hair away.

• 11:15Speaker 02

  Like, wait, you're so lazy, you'd never leave the house. It's like, well, every five minutes, I have to go dunk my head in the radon bucket.

• 11:21Speaker 01

  Has anything bad happened to your house?

• 11:24Speaker 02

  You know, my birthday happened recently.

• 11:26Speaker 01

  Terrible. What bad thing could happen to a man on his birthday?

• 11:31Speaker 02

  Well, you guys remember the radon mitigation system. I've mentioned that once or twice.

• 11:34Speaker 01

  And your fireplace was beeping. You ever get that fixed?

• 11:37Speaker 02

  Fireplace was beeping. So here's what happened. We replaced our sump pump. We replaced a fan for the radon mitigation system. Those things are connected. And then I went outside and the dogs were outside, you know, sniffing around, going to the restroom and they both like got to a point where they were like, Oh, hell yes. And they took off toward like the side of the house. And I was like, what in the fuck are they so excited about? Oh no, a dead animal, something terrible. And they ran over to like our AC unit and they were just like, oh God, I love this smell. They were like going nuts, running around. And I was like, what in the shit is happening? And I walked over and I was like, what? Was someone eating waffles out here?

• 12:16Speaker 02

  Because the only thing I could smell was this really strong scent of maple syrup. Most obvious maple syrup. I could not be mistaken for anything else. It was maple syrup. And I was looking around and I was like, I don't see anything on the ground. There's this like gas line, I guess. There's this AC unit, I guess. There's this really powerful power cord that says like Duke Energy, which is a Cincinnati power company on it. What could possibly be dangerous right here? I hope it's not a gas leak. Oh God, the dog's really crazy. It's a gas leak. I'm gonna blow up and die. Uh, because earlier that day, as Bob mentioned, uh, my fireplace was beeping whenever somebody was outside doing something. I forget what they were doing, but, um, oh, we had like some wood, like around, uh, we have a generator and the wood got damaged around the generator when someone was doing like some kind of landscaping thing on the generator itself.

• 12:59Speaker 02

  So we replaced like a piece of wood and the guy was over there working and I was like, you replaced the wood on around the generator and he hit a gas line. And now it's leaking a maple syrup smell. We're all gonna die. So the first thing I did was I immediately called like the gas company and I was like, they were like, After hours in case of emergency, I was like, yes, it could be. And they were like, hey, what's going on? I was like, does gas smell like maple syrup? And they were like, I don't think so, but you know what? I'm gonna put, I'm gonna get you one of our technicians. They'll call you in a few minutes and we'll get you sorted. And while I was waiting to hear back, I was doing more research. I was like maple syrup smell, maple syrup smell. Could be urine, could be an air conditioning coolant leak. And I was like, AC units right there. AC coolant leak, that's it. I'm gonna call and get someone from the AC company out here.

• 13:42Speaker 02

  So I called and I was like, hey, you guys know that maple syrup smell? I saw it online. I've got that. And the person was like, um, never heard that one before, but I, okay, uh, maybe, maybe you have an older model? No, no.

• 13:56Speaker 04

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• 14:23Speaker 02

  Oh no, you can't trick me. I've got the maple syrup stink. I sounded like a madman because I kept calling numbers. I was like, dude, maple syrup. I know, I know it's you. I know it's you. I know maple syrup. I got the smell, maple syrup. So I kept calling and eventually like, you know, the, the gas company technician called me back and he's like, it would smell like eggs or something, whatever smell he told me. It's like propane has a scent, other gas has a scent. He was going through different sense of things. So, okay, probably not that. Uh, next, the, the other person called me and they were like, hey, I can come out tomorrow, take a look. If it's your AC coolant, you know, it's fine to wait for a day. I'll, I'll come take a look tomorrow. We'll see what it is. Uh, this is on April 2nd, so, uh, I'm streaming and then, uh, nine o'clock Eastern, I end my stream.

• 15:04Speaker 02

  Uh, and then Molly texts me, door? Question mark? And I was like, door? And, uh, I go upstairs and there's people at my front door and I'm like, who's at my front door at nine o'clock at night? Is it the gas company? Maple syrup? Is it the AC people? I opened the door and Tyler is standing outside. I was like, you don't live here. Then our friends Bird and Foo are also outside next to Tyler. I was like, you guys also don't live here. You're holding something. Is that a cookie cake? They're like, surprise! It's like, what, what, what's happening? Oh, it's my birthday tomorrow. You guys are here the day before my birthday surprise. We might have a gas leak. Got their suitcases and stuff. And I was like, come on in. It's

• 15:46Speaker 02

  definitely safe. Nothing to worry about. So they surprised me. It was awesome. They came in. We hung out. Next day is my birthday and we're talking about plans like, oh, we're gonna go out and do this. I just gotta wait for this technician to come out. He's gonna take a look at the AC unit, probably to replace something, but you know, it'll be cool. Dude shows up, takes a look at the AC unit and on my birthday, I'm describing this maple syrup smell. And the guy's like, I do smell maple syrup, actually. Like, I've never heard that. Honestly, thought you were crazy, but it smells like maple syrup. I was like, I'm not crazy. I know maple syrup. I've had it. I've eaten maple syrup before. I know the smell.

• 16:16Speaker 01

  It goes on waffles. It goes on pancakes, French toast. I know about maple syrup.

• 16:20Speaker 02

  So the guy's trying to convince me it's not the AC unit and he's like, he's rubbing his hands on the pipes of the thing. He's like, I know this is weird, but like, and I was like, oh.

• 16:30Speaker 00

  For those who are just listening, Wade juddied his fingers towards camera, not said a word.

• 16:37Speaker 02

  That's what happened was the guy held his fingers toward me like in a very, took me a minute to have realized and attempt to get me to sniff his fingers.

• 16:44Speaker 00

  Well, he didn't want to say out loud the words, smell my fingers.

• 16:48Speaker 02

  I don't like to admit it to anyone, but yes, I paid this man $60 to come to my house so I could smell his fingers on my birthday.

• 16:55Speaker 00

  Oh, did you?

• 16:55Speaker 02

  Yes, three separate times I smelled this man's fingers.

• 16:58Speaker 00

  Three times? That's a little strange.

• 17:00Speaker 02

  And none of the times did his fingers smell like maple syrup. They were bad. It got away from bad to worse.

• 17:05Speaker 00

  The mystery thickens.

• 17:06Speaker 02

  You know, and there were only two pipes you rubbed on. So I really, I honest, I swear to God, I don't know what the third one was that I smelled, but they were all bad.

• 17:13Speaker 00

  I don't mean to say it, but have you thought about a Canadian ghost? Like?

• 17:19Speaker 02

  I hadn't. There are a lot of Canadian ghost refugees in Ohio.

• 17:24Speaker 00

  Are you, is your house on a Canadian burial ground? Is this like, I just gotta ask?

• 17:29Speaker 02

  Yes, people do. They they they have their pilgrimage from Canada to Cincinnati to bury their loved ones. Where I live quite often. But yeah, smell those fingers. No maple syrup, nothing good, really weird. Uh, and the guy's like, okay, well, let me check a couple other things. You have like an exhaust pipe over here from your furnace. I'm gonna go check that. Just to make sure it's not a gas leak. I've got this fun little thing that looks like a Ghostbuster tool. I'm gonna rub across all your pipes. So we did that. No gas leak, but he did smell our exhaust thing from our furnace. He's like, the scent's kind of strong. I'm gonna go take a look at your furnace, make sure we're all good there. Then I guess I'll get out of here and uh, the smell doesn't go away. Call someone else.

• 18:05Speaker 02

  Who do I call? And he's like,

• 18:06Speaker 01

  Ghostbusters.

• 18:08Speaker 02

  I'm going to voice this Ghostbusters.

• 18:09Speaker 01

  I'm just kidding. I don't know. See ya.

• 18:12Speaker 00

  See ya. He exits a bit, then you're like, ah, I don't didn't land. See.

• 18:18Speaker 01

  Well, I was the guy. It was the guy, right? Wade is Wade is standing there next to the repair technician and he's like, who, who do I call? And the guy's like, Ghostbusters. No, I'm just kidding. I gotta go. Good luck.

• 18:30Speaker 00

  I don't know, man. Just as an exit tool for a conversation I don't want to be in. That's great. See ya.

• 18:35Speaker 02

  See ya. So guy comes in the house. He looks at the furnace and he's like, all right, uh, it's an older furnace. So let me take a look here. To describe what happened, uh, his eyes got wide and he froze, didn't say a word, immediately reached for a valve, turned it, grabbed an orange, I think it was an orange ticket out of, I don't even know where, immediately put it around the thing and was like, you need new furnace. I was like, what? Maple syrup? He's like, no, no maple syrup.

• 19:01Speaker 01

  Maple syrup?

• 19:02Speaker 02

  He's like, I don't know what made the maple syrup noise, but like your heat exchange is uh, you need a new furnace. Oh no, can you just do that real quick? I don't know if you guys remember this, but a year, year and a half ago, old house, guess what? Had to replace the furnace in the AC unit.

• 19:16Speaker 01

  I do remember that.

• 19:17Speaker 02

  Yeah. So the guy's like, you need a new furnace and like, you know, your AC unit, it's newer. Uh, but some parts were soldered and welded that aren't supposed to be, uh, it's not really a great brand. And in all honesty, I was gonna just tell you that you might want to look into replacing it at some point before it goes bad. Because it was just, it was installed really poorly. And I was like, oh, so if you're gonna do the furnace, you could do a bundle where you do the furnace and AC unit. And I was like, dude, I just did this like a year ago. Don't do this to me, man. Not you. Not like this. Please. Maple syrup. I called you about maple syrup. Don't tell me the furnace.

• 19:48Speaker 00

  Maple syrup, maple syrup.

• 19:49Speaker 02

  We can have some guys come out tomorrow. I'll have another guy come out today. He'll go over pricing and stuff with you. No, I don't want to. I don't want to do it. I don't want to. Ultimately had to wait. Meanwhile, you know, Tyler, Bird, Foo, they're chilling. They're like, oh man, we can go downtown to Cincinnati. We go to the zoo. Maybe we can call it Bob Mandy. We hang out, have some fun friend times. It was like, hey, guess what? I got another technician coming in like an hour. I'm stuck. But tomorrow, tomorrow we'll do some fun stuff. Guy comes out an hour later, gives me pricing. I agree, whatever. Yeah, technician will be out tomorrow around like 7 a.m. to start working on your furnace. 7 a.m. tomorrow. You mean, all my friends are here? How long will it take? A couple hours? Yeah, about eight to 10 hours. 10 hours. All my friends here for the

• 20:30Speaker 02

  surprise birthday party. Okay. So next day, we're here. They install the furnace. They install the AC unit. Takes all fucking day. Surprise party turned into like, hey, maple syrup? Smell my fingers? Pay 16 grand for another furnace and AC unit? Happy birthday. All right, we gotta go to the airport. See you, Wade. Guys, what about hangout? Now we're leaving. Maple syrup?

• 20:53Speaker 00

  Ah, man, you know, it's such a shame because what should have happened is they should have all chipped in, got you a new furnace and installed them themselves. That

• 21:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, all they brought me was a cake and some plane tickets to fly to see me. Those cheap bastards.

• 21:04Speaker 00

  I swear to God, they must have been chucking maple syrup bottles into your chimney and it went down into your furnace.

• 21:09Speaker 02

  That was before they were even in town. Here's the kicker. Do you know what the cake said that they brought me that I looked at? Sorry about the maple syrup. Happy birthday. Ran out of letters. Close. Mark, you have a guess?

• 21:21Speaker 00

  No.

• 21:22Speaker 02

  We have an inside joke from where we went to Disney a year and a half ago. And as sports fans, Bird's a fan of the 49ers. I'm a fan of the Bengals. So you're the pet of the worst team? Come on, man. Come on, man. A year and a half ago, the 49ers and Bengals were both in the AFC Championship game and the 49ers had zero quarterbacks. Their quarterback like broke both of his arms. Their other quarterback had a concussion. They were to the point where they had a quarterback who could not throw. All he could do was hand the ball off. They lost. The joke phrase of the day became, can this day get any worse? Later that night, the Bengals lost to the Chiefs after one of the Bengals players tackled Patrick Mahomes three miles out of bounds. And we said, can this day get any worse? So they brought me a cookie cake that jokingly said, can this day get any worse? And then my furnace and AC unit broke. It got worse.

• 22:07Speaker 01

  Smelled like maple syrup.

• 22:08Speaker 02

  Yeah. What was the maple syrup about? Never solved the mystery of the maple syrup.

• 22:13Speaker 01

  Did it go away?

• 22:14Speaker 02

  I didn't. So I've, I've gone out and I've smelled a couple of times. I don't smell anymore. So my best guesses are it was in fact the AC unit or it was some animal's urine. Because apparently some animal can have something going on where their urine can have like a maple syrupy smell.

• 22:27Speaker 01

  Canadians.

• 22:29Speaker 02

  But the weird thing is the smell seemed like it was higher up on like some bushes. It was like middle up on these bushes. So it wasn't like, it had to have been like.

• 22:36Speaker 01

  It was Chica.

• 22:37Speaker 02

  Chica. Chica shat on Mark's Vision Pro then came and pissed on my bushes.

• 22:41Speaker 01

  She's learning how to defecate higher.

• 22:43Speaker 02

  Mark, go smell your Vision Pro. Does it smell like maple syrup?

• 22:46Speaker 01

  Did you taste the poop? Are you sure it's not maple syrup? No. Yeah.

• 22:50Speaker 02

  So, um, Bob, as you know, uh, we had a little bit of an issue with our radon mitigation system. I don't know if you heard about that where we had to have that fixed a couple of times.

• 22:57Speaker 01

  I remember being very sympathetic to that issue, if I recall correctly. Yes.

• 23:01Speaker 02

  Maple syrup. Maple syrup. Um, I think I talked about on here how we had someone come look at our AC unit that smelled like maple syrup. And then it turned out we needed a new furnace. Two days ago, I was upstairs and I was watching TV or watching a show or something. And we have a, a gas fireplace and the fireplace turned on and I was like, oh man.

• 23:19Speaker 01

  Of its own accord?

• 23:21Speaker 02

  Molly must've turned it on. I looked over and the remote's next to me. Keters is asleep on my lap. The puppies are asleep on my lap or next to me and Molly's not even there. And I went, huh? So no one turned it on, but that is a fire. I looked at the remote, the remote said off. I am looking at a fire right now.

• 23:40Speaker 01

  Well, it was off, so clearly not, I guess.

• 23:43Speaker 02

  Uh, let me go feel it. Yep. That's warm like fire. All right.

• 23:46Speaker 01

  Wait, he who walks over to his fireplace.

• 23:49Speaker 02

  Two weeks ago, Molly's like, yeah, the fireplace turned on by itself. And I was like, okay, the cat stepped on the remote. Something happened to do this, like whatever fire just doesn't. Like what's gas just coming in and igniting on its own? That doesn't make any sense. But now that I witnessed it, I'm like, man, my wife's not a liar. That's crazy. Looking into it, apparently after a while, I guess fireplace got like wires or something. Things could go wrong where fireplaces go bad and have to be fixed or replaced. But I'm starting to think, man, that there's a Wade problem with homeowners. Ownership.

• 24:17Speaker 01

  Are you about to be the burned man, the scorched man?

• 24:21Speaker 02

  Everything in the old house. You guys like rarely tell me about shit going wrong in your houses, but every now and then, every week, I'm like, yeah, dude, had to replace this, had to replace that. Hey, guess what? Apparently every like 10, 15 years you have to replace a gas fireplace. So, um, guess what I'm calling soon? A gas fireplace company. Come look at our fireplace. Cause I feel like a gas fireplace turning on by itself is, um, bit sketch.

• 24:46Speaker 01

  No, that's not great. It's good that it did ignite itself or whatever. Yeah. Does it have like a pilot? Or is it like, like we have gas fireplaces where it's a switch on the wall. You turn it on and it doesn't have a pilot light, but it has a little electric thing that ignites it. But if that doesn't work, you're just letting gas flow into your house?

• 25:01Speaker 02

  Couldn't tell you. I know how to shut the gas off to it and I know where the button on the remote that says on is.

• 25:06Speaker 01

  Fancy.

• 25:06Speaker 00

  Well, if there was a pilot light and it just lit, that means there's gas leaking in there. So it's probably not great. So I'd keep the fire on if I were you.

• 25:15Speaker 02

  Fireplace. We solved the mystery of our ghost fireplace. Remember I told you like months ago, our fireplace was turning itself on?

• 25:21Speaker 01

  Wasn't that tied into the whole maple syrup smell debacle?

• 25:25Speaker 02

  It was around the same time. We decided, well, okay, we, I decided to, I was like, you know, our fireplace is turning itself on. That's probably safe. Let's wait four months to get someone to look at it. So finally got someone to look at it and somehow didn't explode. It turned out, so under this gas fireplace, there's a little panel you can open up and there's a switch in there. So if your remote dies, you can turn it on, just have it on. You can turn it off or you can turn to where the remote work. Cool. Makes sense. There's also a separate little function where you can turn the gas on or off to it.

• 25:53Speaker 01

  Sure, sure.

• 25:54Speaker 02

  Somebody spliced in a second switch for the on off. And the second switch had exposed wires about a quarter of an inch apart. And when those wires arc or touch, the fireplace just comes on. And it turns out whenever apparently it was like getting hot or something under there, it would either arc or the wires would be close enough to where they would just spark and turn the fireplace on. So we removed that and now we don't have ghost fireplace anymore. Do you have any idea why they may have done that? Nope. And neither did the guy that was looking at it. He was like, huh? I've never seen a fireplace with two on off switches underneath and the emergency on off switch that are connected and therefore only work if the other one still has power. Yeah, that's an interesting choice.

• 26:36Speaker 02

  I don't know why, but it's gone and now fireplace safe.

• 26:40Speaker 00

  Wade, how is your mood doing, knowing that you're a full inch shorter than Bob?

• 26:46Speaker 02

  Blood sugar, probably okay. Blood pressure, probably slightly elevated. Do you guys remember a certain noise? I may have talked about a nice every six minute.

• 26:59Speaker 02

  You talking about the Michigan hum or whatever it was? It's my version. It's called the radon mitigation system and it's back.

• 27:06Speaker 01

  Was some kind of ghost ruining your radon system? What's going on?

• 27:09Speaker 02

  I don't know, but it lasted a full like month and a half and all of a sudden every six minutes. Well, right now it's like every 10 to 12, so it's not quite as severe.

• 27:18Speaker 01

  I thought you had people come fix that and also paid them a lot of money, I assume.

• 27:23Speaker 02

  And guess what phone call I'm making as this episode ends?

• 27:26Speaker 00

  I would love for you to get a Geiger counter. Do you know what a Geiger counter is?

• 27:31Speaker 02

  I don't know what a Geiger counter is. I'm not a fool.

• 27:33Speaker 00

  And some people may not know what a Geiger counter is, and we're not going to explain it because apparently everyone knows what a Geiger counter is. So if you're listening at home and you don't know what that is, that's a problem for you idiot.

• 27:44Speaker 02

  Hey, I've got friends that I had to teach what bipedal meant and they acted like I was some snob for knowing it. They're like, who uses the term bipedal? Who knows what that means? And I was like, I thought everyone.

• 27:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, why wouldn't? Anyway, we're not going to explain it either. For all of you who don't know it, we don't want to come off as a snob. So I'm going to give you a point for snobbery, but have you noticed any side effects? Are you, your eyes are a little red?

• 28:07Speaker 02

  No, other than trying to fall asleep and be like, oh, peace and.

• 28:13Speaker 01

  I just, I have to say, I didn't know radon systems could even be so loud. Every house I've lived in in Ohio has had one, never heard it make a noise my entire life.

• 28:23Speaker 02

  Like once every five or 10 years, you're supposed to replace that fan. It's been a month.

• 28:28Speaker 01

  Not a great sign. There must be something going on. Going on you got you got like squirrels in your radon tubes?

• 28:33Speaker 02

  So I found out, I don't know if I told you guys, the fan is actually not even on the inside. So they've got like the system, the tubes and stuff inside that go like down into like the, I don't know if it's like a just a hole in the basement or what it is, but basically all the radon supposed to collect down there, then the fan will turn, suck it out and shoot it through a tube and get it out of your house. So the fan is connected to a pipe that's outside, but for some reason, when that fan is going bad, it shakes the whole house and it's not even that big. It's like a container that's like yay big, that's the fan that somehow rattles the whole house.

• 29:06Speaker 00

  I've got a solution for you. You go to Target, you get a box fan, shove that bad boy up against that thing, duct tape it in place, run it at max speed, problem solved.

• 29:16Speaker 01

  Box fans are good for everything, man. Making beef jerky, getting rid of radon, all kinds of stuff.

• 29:21Speaker 00

  I actually used a box fan back before I didn't know how overclocking worked and I opened the side of my computer and shoved a box fan inside and then proceeded to promptly fry my graphics card into oblivion.

• 29:34Speaker 02

  No, you're supposed to use water cooler. Use one of those fans that sprays water.

• 29:37Speaker 01

  You, what you want to do is fill the bathtub up and then you just dip it in there. That'll keep it cool.

• 29:43Speaker 00

  Absolutely. So box fans, very versatile. Ignore what I said about blowing up my graphics card. It'll save your life.

• 29:52Speaker 01

  Uh, anyway, the toilet, the same toilet that was leaking three other times, it's leaking again and more. So that's different and I didn't poop my pants, but I did, I went to go use the bathroom. I pulled my pants down and they touched it. They touched the toilet water. Those pants are dead to me.

• 30:08Speaker 02

  Do you think there's a plumber conspiracy in Cincinnati where they intentionally screw up our plumbing? Is our water just super hard? Is it the water company? Why are there so many water issues in Cincinnati?

• 30:19Speaker 01

  Well, I don't think that breaks toilets. I think water, water hardness probably flogs faucets and breaks water heaters. But the toilet's a mystery. You know what? I'm going to be super honest and this is, uh, this is kind of gross probably. As a, as a large man who weighs a lot, I've had this problem in the past, but usually once is enough. Usually the toilet just needs to be re, reseated. With a new thingy, a new wax or whatever, wax ring or whatever. And then that's it. Cause I, cause like if it's not bolted down properly and then I'm, I'm very heavy. I can make it move a little bit and this isn't even that. I told the guy when he was here last time, I was like, look at me, I'm fat. This is where this toilet's gotta hold up, man.

• 30:57Speaker 02

  No, no, no. It's some kind of Cincinnati plumber conspiracy. Aliens, it's something.

• 31:03Speaker 00

  Or you stop shitting so hard, five head. Come on. If you didn't blast ass so powerfully, if you didn't have such strong shit muscles, which I'm assuming are muscles.

• 31:14Speaker 01

  It's a turd sheary muscle. Can I take away points? You get a turd sheary point, win.

• 31:21Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 31:22Speaker 01

  I had a very Wade like issue. You ever just have water come out of a wall?

• 31:26Speaker 02

  Oh, that one.

• 31:28Speaker 01

  It's interesting when that happens. I think we know what happened and I think it's okay. Which is a weird thing to say about water coming out of a wall, but um, sometimes toilets just leak. All of the toilets in our house, apparently are reaching the age where the, the flushy part is wearing out. And one of them was like, it was like wearing out in a way where it ran and overflowed itself. I don't know. It's not great.

• 31:50Speaker 02

  Everyone judged me when I ripped out all five and replaced them at once, but trust me.

• 31:55Speaker 01

  Yeah. Well, we're not replacing all of the toilets in the entire house all at once.

• 31:58Speaker 02

  You might as well, because it's only gonna cause more problems.

• 32:01Speaker 01

  I'm replacing the flush mechanism in like two of them.

• 32:05Speaker 02

  I tried that once. It didn't work.

• 32:08Speaker 01

  You just probably did it bad. You probably paid some idiot.

• 32:11Speaker 02

  If at first you don't succeed, rip out your toilets. He, he, he. You know the saying.

• 32:16Speaker 01

  They're fine. The toilets are fine. Kids are all right. We just need new flushy do's, whatever the hell those things are called.

• 32:22Speaker 02

  I remember when I used to think that naive I was back then.

• 32:25Speaker 00

  All right. Well, I don't know why toilets would fail so soon. I feel like.

• 32:30Speaker 02

  Soon.

• 32:30Speaker 01

  My toilets are like 10 years old.

• 32:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, I feel like they should last longer than that. Cause you got, you got truck stops in the middle of the desert that have gone through like a cavalcade of a million truckers, all eating tacos and burritos and Fritos non-stop on their journeys and they're still running.

• 32:47Speaker 02

  That's because the handles are so gross, no one ever flushes those. That's why they're always so nasty when we walk in.

• 32:52Speaker 00

  That's fair. I guess that's fair.

• 32:54Speaker 01

  Did I tell you guys about how our HVAC system was leaking water onto the floor of our basement for a while? And it turns out it's because there's a, it has a humidifier built into it. And the little hose for the humidifier just like got tweaked and was just pissing water out onto the floor. That wasn't great.

• 33:11Speaker 02

  I don't think you mentioned that one, but no, that sucks.

• 33:13Speaker 01

  That happened. We took a while to figure that one out. That was weird. Our deck is falling apart. Our deck is on this house. It's not that old. The deck is literally crap. Like the steps are literally cracking into pieces and it's super dangerous. And I don't know how to fix it, so I'm gonna have to come hire, hire someone to come build some deck stairs or something. I never complained about that.

• 33:31Speaker 02

  No, you should. I need, I need more people to complain about house issues. So I know I'm not alone. Cause like.

• 33:36Speaker 01

  The rest of it seems fine. It's just the steps are kind of crumbling, which is.

• 33:39Speaker 02

  In my brain, all of you guys like never have to change a filter. Your furnace is always work. Everything's always great. And then like, I'm like, yeah, I wanted to change a filter and the wall collapsed. You guys like, oh, can't believe that. What's so weird? Cause like, it's starting to feel like homeownership is only a thing that's a problem for me.

• 33:55Speaker 01

  The water pressure in our house is really bad and we need a new hot water heater. And possibly our house is just totally fucked because our, our county has really hard water. And so there's buildup in all the pipes.

• 34:05Speaker 02

  Ohio is a hard water thing. Yeah.

• 34:07Speaker 01

  I could complain, Wade. I just choose not, I could, I could choose what I complain about.

• 34:11Speaker 02

  I choose to complain. I need more people to do it.

• 34:13Speaker 01

  I don't wanna, I complain about funny stuff, not house stuff. Your house stuff is funny because you get shit like mud guy and toilets that leak for no apparent reason. My house stuff is like boring house crap. It's not funny and it gets fixed after I pay someone to fix it usually.

• 34:29Speaker 02

  Fireplace that turns itself on. It's always weird things.

• 34:32Speaker 00

  Okay. I feel like that's the least weird of the things.

• 34:35Speaker 01

  That is weird though. I mean, that's, that's not good. You don't want an appliance that could be leaking natural gas into your house to start behaving weirdly. That's concerning.

• 34:43Speaker 02

  That's the freaky part. Yeah. It's like for it to turn on, it means there is both gas and ignition happening that I didn't tell it to do.

• 34:49Speaker 01

  Well, as long as it does both, I guess that's better than one or the other, but.

• 34:53Speaker 02

  True.

• 34:54Speaker 00

  Problems that make themselves known are way better than problems that sneak up on you in the middle of the night. Bob.

• 35:02Speaker 02

  What were you saying? That's how he reacts to my small talk. Bob, I'm so sorry. You are me.

• 35:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, I really am the new, the new Blitz, aren't I? You know, I was out, I was out back the other day and my house, for no reason, my house smelled like Cool Ranch Doritos. And I was like, whoa, what happened? And then I called and I asked a guy and he was like, oh, your air conditioner is going to explode. We better replace it.

• 35:25Speaker 02

  How's your radon?

• 35:26Speaker 01

  Like the tons of radon, radon coming out my ears. And every time the radon fan turns on to make more radon, it's all radon. So fucking annoying. God, it's driving me insane. Every three and a half minutes that happens. I got a fireplace that won't turn off. It's just a constant fire. It won't go away. I can put water on it. I ejected it into a vacuum. Nothing.

• 35:50Speaker 02

  I'm going to start documenting with photos and videos, everything we go through. So you guys don't think I'm just making shit up.

• 35:56Speaker 01

  Me too. Me too. This is all real stuff. It's happening right now.

• 35:59Speaker 02

  Cool Ranch Doritos, that is a reference from like 2014, like a charity stream in like 2012, 2014, somewhere in that range, right? What did Cool Ranch Doritos keep away?

• 36:08Speaker 01

  It kept away the were cats.

• 36:09Speaker 02

  Were cats?

• 36:10Speaker 01

  I was king of the were cats. We told a scary story about going out into the Catskills, which everyone thought I said cat scales. Catskill Mountains. And somehow I became king of the were hats in my piss covered pea coat. It's a pea coat made of pea, not a pea coat made of wool. And Cool Ranch Doritos are what you put out on the window sills to keep the were cats at bay.

• 36:32Speaker 02

  That's such a strange, that's crazy. I've got a poop related story.

• 36:37Speaker 01

  All right, that's the episode.

• 36:39Speaker 02

  Ah, yeah. So you guys know, I talked to Bob about this earlier today, how I feel like, was it called Munchhausen? That people that go to the doctor don't really need to, they just like going to the doctor. I feel like people look at me like I'm that but for plumbers, because I have another plumber tale. So we had a new kitchen faucet installed and whenever the person came to install the kitchen faucet, I was like, hey, can you take a look at our bathroom faucet too? I had, well, our kitchen faucet wasn't working. I went to refill the dog bowl in the bathroom faucet and it came out like milky white and that was disconcerting. So then I dumped it out, cleaned it. And I used like the filtered system that we have and mixture of that bottled water. And he's like, oh yeah, let me take a look. And he's like, okay, it's mineral buildup, this and that. If you get a new sink or if you get a new faucet, I can install it for you.

• 37:23Speaker 02

  But you're have to get one that's like, you know, fits the sink, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then he's like, well, I'm here, let me take a look at some of your other plumbing things too. Cause some of them might have similar issues. So we took a look at our sinks and bathrooms and toilets and things. Ultimately came to the conclusion that two of the toilets upstairs were some of the flaps and stuff were starting to have issues. They were older toilets and he's like, you could try to fix the innards. Probably better to replace it and it'll be cheaper in the long run if you just get a new toilet in there. So we replaced two toilets and two sinks and uh, nothing went wrong. On the wood, except for a couple of days later, I went to turn on the kitchen sink. And the kitchen sink has like the top half that swivels and then the base with the handle. It's not supposed to swivel. I went to turn it on and the base also swiveled. And I was like, well, that doesn't seem right. I don't think the whole thing's supposed to turn. This isn't like a fun little puzzle, put it together, then you get to wash your hands.

• 38:06Speaker 02

  It's supposed to be just you turn on the sink and water comes out and you can aim the top. I've also had some issues with the basement has had some clogging problems. The basement toilet uh, had some clogging issues. And then a couple of times the shower has um, the shower drain has had things like some mud or something come out of it.

• 38:22Speaker 01

  Oh mud, yeah. Get a lot of mud in drains.

• 38:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was like, I don't know why there's mud coming out of our shower. I should probably have a look at that. Well, it's not mud, not mud.

• 38:31Speaker 01

  Stinky mud?

• 38:32Speaker 02

  Uh, yeah. So we went to clean it out. He had one of his little like tunnel snakes, whatever the hell they're called. Uh, no, that's, that's fallout three, the tunnel snakes.

• 38:38Speaker 01

  No tunnel snakes. I think that's correct. I think, I think either tunnel snake or tunnel fucker.

• 38:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, he has tunnel fucker and he put it in, he put it in my toilet hole and was like, well, there's no clog here. So um, hmm, we're going to have to go look at another pipe. So we go into like the unfinished part of the basement and he's like opening up pipes and putting his.

• 38:54Speaker 01

  Putting a snake in your pipes?

• 38:56Speaker 02

  He's putting a snake in my pipes.

• 38:57Speaker 01

  If only you'd been able to pay him.

• 39:01Speaker 02

  We opened the door and um, there's like, so the water heater has like a drain next to it, right? There's a pipe that goes to the water heater to this drain. So that with your water heater has issues, the water goes somewhere instead of throughout your house. Well, that drain was supposed to have a white cover. It was brown and uh, there was wetness around it, also brown. It's like, man, there's a lot of mud coming into our. House, that's weird. And the guy opened up one of the pipes. And for some reason, he opened up like three or four different pipes. One of them he opened up and immediately the horrible sewer smell that no one wants to have like was like, oh, God. And sat in our basement for like three days. It was awful. Uh, but he found this backflow prevention system. Uh, ultimately the backflow prevention system, which is like a cylinder with a flap.

• 39:45Speaker 02

  And when you flush or run water, the flap opens, stuff goes through, flap closes. If anything ever comes the opposite way, like if there's a backup, the flap is closed. So things can't come back up into your house. The problem is if the flap itself is either clogged or blocked, then the stuff can't get out and it stops. And then the things attached to the other side of the backflow comes out that way. He opened it up and immediately when he went to open it up, the lid was cracked in half and was just laying there not usefully. Inside there's like a gap and then like a little twisty lid. That twisty lid had a like a rubber band, ceiling band or whatever around it. That was oversized and like corroded and not fitting properly. And then laying on top of that lid was the flap.

• 40:30Speaker 02

  So when he opened it up, there's no flap. So this system exists, it's supposed to stop backflow and it's not working at all because the thing that stops the backflow was taken out and just sitting there. And the pipe goes from four inch diameter, I think, to three inch diameter, right before you get to the cylinder. So it kind of constrains the solids, as he called it. Uh, and then it got into the cylinder, things, I guess, started like coalescing, gathering there, having a nice little shit party and causing some of the backup issues. And this had happened before we even moved in. When we first moved in the house, we had some construction, my office was built. I noticed that the shower had mud in it then too. And I was like, these guys are fucking like building our, on my office, then taking a shower and leaving their fucking muddy boots. Shit all over our shower. What the fuck?

• 41:13Speaker 02

  It's really weird because when the shit came out through the shower, it looked the exact same as the mud those workers had left.

• 41:20Speaker 02

  That's crazy to me.

• 41:21Speaker 01

  Oh, weird.

• 41:22Speaker 02

  So now that I know that shit is getting caught and backflowing into our house, I'm have, they, they want, well, they want me to remove this backflow thing, which means cutting in the concrete, removing the backflow prevention system, putting in a normal pipe, repaving the pavement. And then they want to put a more powerful toilet in the basement called a power flush.

• 41:39Speaker 01

  It's got a motor on it.

• 41:41Speaker 00

  It's like an airplane toilet.

• 41:43Speaker 02

  But it has a stronger like flow, so it can push stuff so it won't get caught in the pipes and will.

• 41:48Speaker 01

  What kind of stuff? What stuff? Mud? You talking about mud? That guy you dealt with before, who was always like, yeah, just need more mud. Was he talking about something I didn't understand?

• 41:58Speaker 02

  The way that guy handled our house, I would not be surprised if he went, ate like a burrito, came over and was like, man, I got more mud.

• 42:05Speaker 01

  Took a minute, but I made you some more mud for your wall.

• 42:08Speaker 02

  But yeah, so anyway, more plumbing. So we got, we got our sink tightened and now we got to get concrete cut out to remove this backflow thing to put in the pipe. So yay.

• 42:17Speaker 00

  That's nice.

• 42:18Speaker 02

  That's my story I was saving.

• 42:19Speaker 01

  See, just been holding it in this whole time since you moved in.

• 42:22Speaker 02

  I haven't gotten to poop in six months.

• 42:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, keep my mud inside. Hey, just give me a minute. The mud will settle. I never know when I'm gonna need this much mud. Guys who work on drywall must just, that's just must be agony. You got a big project next week. No, I can't. When's my next job? Oh, God. I need the business.

• 42:42Speaker 02

  When I first noticed the issue was right after you guys visited and Mark had used the basement bathroom. So I was like, what did he do?

• 42:48Speaker 01

  What did I, what do you mean? What did I do?

• 42:50Speaker 02

  Shortly after that's whenever the, the stain appeared in the shower and I was like.

• 42:54Speaker 01

  Don't blame this on me. Mark came to my house and took a muddy shower in my shower.

• 43:00Speaker 02

  He's like, I've been filming a movie for two years. I haven't showered. So wait, I took the first opportunity I had.

• 43:06Speaker 00

  Listen, I, I gotta admit though, um, your problems might be caused because I remember when we were watching, uh, something.

• 43:14Speaker 01

  Television.

• 43:15Speaker 00

  Your walls were shaking so much. You don't think that maybe, maybe the vibrations are knocking things loose in your house, like your radon? The subwoofer that rattles the entire house.

• 43:26Speaker 02

  Well, I mean, we, we found out it was just a light fixture making the rattle noise, right? It was something on the shelving unit, but you said it was a light fixture. But no, that the, the, the, the boomy Basie is boomy Basie. Is Basie alright? Yeah, like Molly had a full foot massage in her office when I was watching like Jack Reacher because like the gun scenes were just like and she would text me, she was like, the hell are you watching down there? My whole office is shaking. You mentioned that big Basie porn? That'd be kinda crazy.

• 43:54Speaker 00

  They just add the vine boom to every impact.

• 43:58Speaker 01

  Lots of really Basie thuds going on.

• 44:00Speaker 00

  It's like a wrestling match, but porn.

• 44:04Speaker 02

  WWE, the porno.

• 44:06Speaker 00

  WWP.

• 44:09Speaker 01

  Wouldn't it be WWXX?

• 44:13Speaker 00

  I guess they have the WWE Raw.

• 44:15Speaker 01

  Oh, that's it, right? Why did we didn't need to come up with anything else?

• 44:18Speaker 02

  I prefer WW Protection.

• 44:22Speaker 00

  WW Safety.

• 44:23Speaker 02

  Well, listen, you guys were talking about relatable issues that keep reoccurring. You ever just spend thousands and thousands and thousands on plumbing? And then you could leave for a week, you come back and I don't know, the three fucking bears must have visited your house while you were gone and all used your power flush and somehow broken the goddamn basement plumbing again. To where the little drain near your water heater has poo coming out of it?

• 44:49Speaker 01

  You mean the exact issue that you just had them cut open cement in your basement floor and replace of all your toilets in the entire house and all that? That issue that they fixed by doing that?

• 45:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. Now the shower and the water heater drain both are like, well, if you flush, of course I'll here have it back. Do you have what you recycle? It must be the system they set up. Everything we do, I am like, please just do it right. And tell me how expensive it is to do it right. Whatever it takes, just do it right. Don't want an issue. I don't want the cheap fix. I don't want the temp fix. I want the, you know what? We should have done this from the start. Let's fix it. You'll never have to worry again. It's a fucking pipe that goes to a sewer. How hard could it be to get it right? Apparently they installed it backwards. Can you install a pipe backwards? I thought the flow could go either way.

• 45:42Speaker 02

  Apparently not. It's like a goddamn minnow bucket that one side's the catch and then it's all there sloshing around till it's overfilled and the minnows are swimming back up.

• 45:50Speaker 04

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• 46:18Speaker 01

  It's like a video game. The guy was standing over the pipe and there's a big arrow that's like,

• 46:24Speaker 01

  and he was all,

• 46:26Speaker 01

  ooh, which way does this need to go?

• 46:28Speaker 02

  I'm tired of poop. My car is still at a random port. Don't know which one, by the way. And my house is full of shit. Speaking of air conditioner, ours is working, but I'm concerned because every week it feels like in order to maintain a temp, I have to lower it more than I want to, to maintain like two degrees higher.

• 46:47Speaker 01

  That's not a good sign.

• 46:48Speaker 02

  So originally our AC was set to like 73. We were pretty comfortable. Then it was 72. It's down to like 70 degrees and I'm still like, man, it's a little warm in here.

• 46:58Speaker 01

  That is a very bad sign. That's happened to me before. Right before our AC stopped working in the middle of the summer. Yeah, it's also not hot. Like it's, it's warm enough that like, yeah, you want the AC on when it gets hot because it gets up into the seventies, close to 80. But it's not hot. When it gets actually hot and humid, you're going to have to set that bitch on 60 degrees to keep it at a non-suffering temperature. Didn't you just get that replaced? I thought you just had your whole HVAC thing.

• 47:27Speaker 02

  Last year.

• 47:28Speaker 01

  How long do those last? Nine months?

• 47:30Speaker 02

  Apparently my birthday was the anniversary, my one year anniversary to having it installed. Because my birthday is whenever I had to be fucking fixed.

• 47:37Speaker 00

  Well, they, they are only supposed to last one year. So really, you shouldn't complain.

• 47:42Speaker 01

  Aw babe, it's our HVAC-aversary.

• 47:45Speaker 02

  I just, I go with the companies that have the best ratings, the best reviews, the best track record of, I had this fixed 30 years ago and it's still good to this day. This company is great. And everyone says that. And then I get something and they're like, Is this a screwdriver? No, it looks like a wrench. Okay. And somehow, that's what they apparently do. They send the monkeys with tools that are like, throw shit, they throw feces, the feces blocks up my pipes. They come back up and it's like, oh, somehow the shit's got in your air conditioning. And this is your fault, sir. You gotta replace the whole fucking thing. How does shit get in the AC? I don't know, cuz I guess this wrench is actually a screwdriver, is actually a power drill, which is, we don't fucking know anything.

• 48:26Speaker 01

  I gotta say, guys, just collectively, this was a funny bit for a while. But years and years of Wade having plumbing issues seems like kinda milking it.

• 48:36Speaker 02

  Six years. It's been six years.

• 48:39Speaker 01

  Change, change themes. Have an electrical issue. Uh, then maybe your roof leaks, like pick.

• 48:46Speaker 02

  Well, yeah, hold on.

• 48:48Speaker 01

  Pick something up, move on from plumbing, man. Like, come on now. You're paying these guys to sabotage all this stuff. See, this is, is this even happening? Do we have any actual proof that any of this is real? Or is Wade just like making up stories?

• 49:03Speaker 00

  I bet he's at a car this whole time.

• 49:06Speaker 02

  Do you want a picture of the turd-covered drain?

• 49:09Speaker 01

  Yes, I would love to see a picture of your recycled shit juice.

• 49:12Speaker 02

  I will go take one and text it to you too, if you wanna see it.

• 49:16Speaker 00

  I dare you, I double dog.

• 49:18Speaker 01

  I don't know if I believe you. I'm just gonna leave it there. I don't know if I believe you. Mark, Mark changes. Mark has lenses, there's drama with lenses. Mark has a server farm, there's drama with the server farm. Mark makes a movie, there's drama with the movie. He keeps it fresh. And I appreciate that about you. Your fake, made-up life stories are, you know, they stay interesting, you know?

• 49:41Speaker 00

  Gotta keep it interesting for the podcast.

• 49:43Speaker 01

  We're basically just AI. This is definitely a simulation.

• 49:46Speaker 00

  Oh, we haven't even talked about VO3.

• 49:49Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Did we not talk? Yeah. Wade, show us, show us your shit picture. I'll give you a point for it.

• 49:55Speaker 02

  I texted it, dude. You want me to show it on camera?

• 49:57Speaker 00

  Come on, come on, show us.

• 49:59Speaker 01

  Come on, show it on camera. You, wow.

• 50:03Speaker 01

  Man.

• 50:03Speaker 00

  Oh, God, you live with that?

• 50:05Speaker 02

  This was white and clean whenever we left to go to Minnesota.

• 50:09Speaker 01

  You're not supposed to take a poop on the grate and then try and stomp it through with your feet. That's not a good.

• 50:14Speaker 02

  You should see what the shower looked like at one point. I regret tempting this.

• 50:20Speaker 01

  I still think he's making it up.

• 50:21Speaker 02

  I'm deleting that from my own history because I don't want to see it again. This was the maple syrup, I believe, year where I had to replace the furnace and AC unit because the weird maple syrup smell outside, which I think actually in two days I'm due to change the furnace filter. Yay, another adulting fun.

• 50:37Speaker 01

  That takes like five seconds.

• 50:38Speaker 02

  I just don't want to do it. Did I tell you about the water filter, Snafu?

• 50:42Speaker 01

  No.

• 50:44Speaker 02

  So we have filtered water and you have to change out like the filter is like a bottle that just like screws in. And you're supposed to change it every six months. So I went to change it a month ago, right before we had visitors. I mean, like the day before we had visitors and Molly had just like cleaned up the kitchen. We'd cleaned the house. Everything was like sparkly shiny. I was like, you know what? I'm gonna go ahead and change out this water filter too. Even have fresh water for everyone when they get here. This is gonna be great. And I read the instructions are like, easy to change filter. Don't even need to shut the water off. Just unscrew, pop the new one in, screw it in, you're done. And I was like, how do you filter the water if it doesn't go into the water? Why would, why would you not have to shut the water off? But all right, if they say so, I start to unscrew the old one.

• 51:25Speaker 02

  Water everywhere.

• 51:27Speaker 01

  Is this the one in your fridge?

• 51:28Speaker 02

  No, no, it's under the sink. Like we have, uh, the kitchen faucet has like another little filtered water faucet.

• 51:34Speaker 01

  No, you probably should have turned the water off. Yeah.

• 51:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, I really thought I should have. And you know, under the sink, there's all those little levers that turn off water to different things.

• 51:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, there's probably like a separate shut off just for that one thing, I bet.

• 51:46Speaker 02

  Well, I panicked and I was like, I don't know which one of these it is. Let me run down and shut off the main water valve. So I ran down, shut the main water valve, ran back up and guess what? There's still water in the pipes after you do that. Pouring out all over the wood floor. It's all a disaster. Molly's grabbing towels. It's a mess.

• 52:06Speaker 01

  You know, if you had just screwed that back in, it might have.

• 52:09Speaker 02

  I tried and even like once, I don't know, once that seal was wet, it was like, oh, I'm not going back in, bitches. But eventually I turned off, man, once you start flipping those things under the sink, they work a lot quicker than the water main shut off.

• 52:23Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, no, those are, that's like, it's what they're for.

• 52:26Speaker 02

  But that cabinet never been. Cleaner before. Good old, I had to have one good water scare this year. I think we replaced toilets this year. That might've been last year, but we replaced some toilets again. All the fun house stuff, man. All the fun house stuff. I don't know if those count as regrets, but they're certainly like dings on the fun that this year had.

• 52:43Speaker 01

  I mean, it sounds like you regret not turning the water off. That's for sure.

• 52:47Speaker 02

  I regret not flipping that little handle right away, too.

• 52:49Speaker 01

  It's really easy.

• 52:51Speaker 02

  Once the water's off, those filters could not be easier to change out.

• 52:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:56Speaker 02

  It's like putting a cap on a water bottle. It's so simple with that. When there's water not pouring out, it's crazy how easy it is to screw that in.

• 53:03Speaker 01

  But yeah, I, uh, I do have a topic for today. It's an oldie but a goodie. But before we get into that, uh, a small talk.

• 53:09Speaker 02

  Every six minutes.

• 53:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. You, that was your small talk last time.

• 53:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, I called. It's gonna take them two weeks to help us. Do you know why there's a problem? Do you know what I did wrong?

• 53:21Speaker 01

  You hired a crappy company.

• 53:23Speaker 02

  It's the company. I don't know if there is another one. When I called, I was like, why do they sound like I did something? They're like, oh, you. I was like, yeah, you guys helped me like a month or two ago. I had a, oh, I see. Yeah, well, the, the noise is back. Yeah, it's back.

• 53:41Speaker 02

  It seemed like it was likely to happen, sir. We had a batch of defective fans sent in. Why did you call? Why? You sound so disappointed to hear from me. You did this. They're like, oh, yeah, we could come help you. Uh, let's see. How, how often's the noise? About every six minutes? All right, that's pretty frequent. We'll see you in 13 days or 11 days or whatever it was. Please, no, I can't do this again. That's right. Sorry, sir. And we're coming in the morning. Please, no. Click.

• 54:11Speaker 01

  There's a concept in, in, uh, the charity fundraising world called donor fatigue. And I feel like this applies to you in a very direct and specific way. You don't deserve to get sympathy for every single thing that happens to you, Wade. And this is a very reasonable thing that you should get sympathy for. But I'm so emotionally burnt out on you begging for sympathy for everything that happens that you think is a wrong and a slight against. I have none left to give. I'm an empty cup, sir.

• 54:42Speaker 02

  You've dealt with two broken toilets. I've had five. I've had three ceilings, two floors, another ceiling three times, a garage door, a rain on my dinghy twice in two months.

• 54:52Speaker 01

  This is over, that's over the course of years.

• 54:54Speaker 02

  You're fatigued. Try being me.

• 54:57Speaker 01

  You don't think I've had a bunch of shit break over the course of the last seven years of my life in the places I've lived?

• 55:04Speaker 02

  If you think I snapped from a losing streak, wait till you see what happens whenever you guys think, "Oh, I've dealt with hearing Wade deal with his problems enough." Try being me! You have to, you better hope Mark wins this episode because the depths I will take us have no bounds!

• 55:20Speaker 01

  I didn't even say anything! I didn't even say anything!

• 55:24Speaker 02

  I will send someone to break your houses for the episode!

• 55:31Speaker 03

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