How To ABCs

Professor Wade "Bald" Barnes quizzes students Mark and Bob on their knowledge of the alphabet. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  This episode of Distractible is presented to you by T-Mobile 5G Home Internet.

• 0:05Speaker 01

  The folks over at T-Mobile have some big news for you. They now have the fastest 5G home internet, according to the experts at Ookla Speed Test.

• 0:12Speaker 02

  So if you want the fastest 5G speeds with a five-year price guarantee, visit t-mobile.com/homeinternet to check availability.

• 0:19Speaker 00

  Price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Fastest based on Ookla Speed Test. Intelligence data, second half 2025. All rights reserved.

• 0:28Speaker 03

  Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractible. This episode, Weaving Wade Goes Mickey Advocates Xenomorphs, Then Challenges the Chaps, Two Ruckus Relays, Morgan Marks Mills Wade, Hits the Red Rug, Fears Glambot, Gets the Judicial Call, Ejaculates, and F-bombs, Beat Down Bob, Jacks Off Sea Nanas, Finds Fabulous Farts, Fibs About His Globes, Stops Orgasms, and Masturbates, From Psychopso-vision, to Break Room Potentates.

• 1:09Speaker 03

  It's time for How to ABCs. Now, sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

• 1:24Speaker 02

  Hey, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Distractible. I'm the host because the wheel chose me. And let's be honest, that's the only reason any of us ever, really. When is if the wheel chooses us? If you've never been here before, this is the show where one of us hosts, the other two compete for points. Whoever has the most gets to host the next episode. And as always, my two co-hosts, Mark and Bob, are here. Hello. Hello. Hi. How y'all doing? Good. I'm good. Pretty good. Pretty good. How are you, host? Oh, I'm doing okay. One half of my eyes work right now, and it's great. Wait, is your good eye or your bad eye the one that's working? Do you have that, or is that just a me thing? My left eye is more dominant, and my left eye is okay. But whenever one eye's not okay, it really screws with you. But probably worse if it was my left eye that was blurry, yeah. Yeah, you're fine. You're fine. Shut up.

• 2:08Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 2:09Speaker 02

  Don't shut up. Oh, you know, I was gonna, I should have taken away a point, but I'm not ready on the points pads yet. So you're lucky, you're lucky.

• 2:14Speaker 01

  That was a test and you failed.

• 2:16Speaker 02

  Oh, man, just wait till I get this pen in my hand. I'm gonna remember these things.

• 2:20Speaker 01

  I know, you probably won't be able to read it anyway. I'm not that scared.

• 2:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're a jerk.

• 2:24Speaker 02

  Come on, guys, I'm almost got.

• 2:26Speaker 01

  No, I wasn't saying he was a jerk. I was saying he's an idiot.

• 2:29Speaker 02

  Please save it for the episode. Wait, this is the episode.

• 2:32Speaker 00

  I can smell you through the internet.

• 2:34Speaker 01

  I can smell you.

• 2:37Speaker 02

  Morgan Freeman, is that you?

• 2:39Speaker 01

  No, but that's what it was supposed to be. Isn't that a sea natter's video?

• 2:43Speaker 02

  Oh, right.

• 2:44Speaker 01

  It's like Gassy Mexican and sea natter and he's like, they're playing pro pot and he's like, can you hunt me as Morgan Freeman? And he's just like, I can smell you.

• 2:53Speaker 02

  I think you're right. Video is probably 12 years old now.

• 2:56Speaker 01

  Oh, I think it's older than that. I got bad news.

• 3:00Speaker 02

  Points are ready to be going down. Bob, I forgot all the mean things you said, so you do get a point for that reference.

• 3:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm such a nice guy earned a point accidentally during my insult session.

• 3:11Speaker 00

  You are the nice one.

• 3:13Speaker 01

  I'm like the inverse Grinch.

• 3:14Speaker 02

  The cinch? What's the opposite of G? Is there an opposite of a letter?

• 3:18Speaker 01

  Schnurg.

• 3:19Speaker 02

  Ah.

• 3:21Speaker 00

  Oh, we're playing that game, are we?

• 3:23Speaker 02

  No, well, you can right now. You can play whatever game you want, but no, that's not my game.

• 3:27Speaker 01

  Everybody loved that game, if I recall.

• 3:29Speaker 02

  It was fun. I enjoyed it.

• 3:30Speaker 01

  Didn't you guys yell at each other because you were doing it in different ways and then getting mad?

• 3:34Speaker 02

  Sure, but I still had fun. Especially since I knew I was doing it right.

• 3:38Speaker 01

  And Mark did too. I'm inferring from his noises.

• 3:43Speaker 02

  Oh, I'm the host. I'm gonna move us on. I was like, what now? What happens next, guys? We usually and will continue to start with small talk, so I guess, uh, anything new, anything good?

• 3:51Speaker 00

  I got a few fun things. I'm going to the Oscars.

• 3:55Speaker 01

  Really?

• 3:56Speaker 00

  Not because I'm gonna win anything or I've been nominated, but I've been invited to the Oscars.

• 4:02Speaker 01

  I've never been invited.

• 4:03Speaker 02

  They have my address, right? Because I haven't seen anything yet and I'm assuming.

• 4:06Speaker 00

  Oh, it must be in the mail.

• 4:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:08Speaker 00

  Must be, yeah, must be in the mail. I have no idea, uh, because I've been to like premieres and stuff and things like that. This is, I've been to obviously the Emmys, but those are the family and children's Emmys. What, what's going to be different about this one is like. I basically being forced to walk the red carpet, but I'm curious. I'm curious this time if it'll be different than it usually is. You know what I mean?

• 4:29Speaker 01

  A lot more sneers and dirty looks coming your way.

• 4:32Speaker 00

  Actually, you're probably right about that. They're gonna ignore me harder.

• 4:35Speaker 01

  There's gonna be one dark like mahogany carpet and you're just gonna see a mouse with a bat waiting for you to walk down that way.

• 4:41Speaker 00

  Oh, no.

• 4:44Speaker 00

  Mickey, no.

• 4:46Speaker 04

  Really fucked up this time, pal. You're gonna need to send help for this. You're all Sam Raimi sends his regards.

• 4:56Speaker 00

  Allegedly. Uh, yeah, that covers. That's legally covering any kind of.

• 5:00Speaker 01

  When that happens in real life, we'll be covered.

• 5:05Speaker 01

  That's pretty sick, though. Are you like borrowing a suit made of mole pelts or something crazy? Are you wearing, doing the whole thing?

• 5:11Speaker 00

  Mole pelts? How'd you know my suit, man?

• 5:14Speaker 01

  I look, I follow the, I follow the industry. What can I say? I have my finger on the pulse, you know?

• 5:18Speaker 00

  Cashmere mole pelts. This is the tricky thing. I do have to get like a really nice suit, which I have some nice suits, but it's like by someone, you know, a designer or something and I'll, I'll have to be expected to.

• 5:31Speaker 01

  Pull like a Gaga, man. Show up in something crazy. Be like in a ball full of blood, like wearing an oxygen mask or something like.

• 5:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm not gonna lie. That's pretty cool. I don't know how to do that. I think they'd be really pissed if I just got blood all over the carpet.

• 5:43Speaker 01

  You should just do it yourself.

• 5:45Speaker 02

  No, it's like, it's like one of those hamster balls. You know the things people like fight each other in, like they roll at each other down the hill in the balls?

• 5:51Speaker 01

  You sell those balls from Unisonus when you kicked Ethan in the nuts?

• 5:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm sure somewhere.

• 5:57Speaker 01

  Just bust out one of those. It'll be fun.

• 5:59Speaker 00

  I show up in one of those. It's like, it's like I only have this much air in there and I'm just dead by the time.

• 6:06Speaker 00

  Floating in this blood ball.

• 6:08Speaker 02

  If you have performance, no one would forget.

• 6:10Speaker 01

  Everyone would remember you. That's true. That's the goal.

• 6:14Speaker 00

  That's the goal. You're right. That is the goal. Anyway, it's not usually my thing to go to events like that, but I, I'm kind of obligated into because I'm working with YouTube a lot for things. And it's not this year that they're hosting the Oscars, but I think next year or the year after that, uh, YouTube TV is gonna air on the Oscar or the. Editors, flip that. I don't wanna say it again.

• 6:39Speaker 00

  Oscar is gonna air on YouTube TV.

• 6:41Speaker 01

  Scratch that, reverse it. Yeah, whatever.

• 6:44Speaker 00

  2029, actually, so it'll be quite a few years, but one of the people at YouTube got me an invite, so.

• 6:49Speaker 01

  Oh, that's pretty sick.

• 6:50Speaker 00

  I'm about to be ruined by Hollywood.

• 6:53Speaker 01

  I have a reason to watch the Oscars now, just to see if there's a moment where they pan past you and I'm like, oh.

• 7:00Speaker 00

  Cause that's all it's gonna be. It's gonna be.

• 7:03Speaker 01

  But if it's fucking, what if you, you like walk in, cause it's all assigned seats, right? Or at least some of it is like, they give you a thing and you walk in and you're like. F 20. And it's like fucking Samuel L. Jackson or someone is just sitting there and you're like.

• 7:20Speaker 00

  Bot light's gonna land on him and be like, everyone raise your hands for Mark Wahlberg. Mark Wahlberg.

• 7:28Speaker 00

  I'm not nominated for anything, but I keep.

• 7:30Speaker 01

  I know you'll probably be like up on the balcony or whatever, but you'll be in there. You'll be breathing the same farts as those people.

• 7:36Speaker 00

  You're right. They got great farts. Uh, I probably will be just like shoved off to the side, but hey, you know, it's an honor.

• 7:43Speaker 01

  No, that's cool. Wait, if you're walking the red carpet, does that mean you get to do the cool motion video rig thing? Where they have the celebrities do a little po- and that guy got fired for some reason that I don't understand, even though his stuff was always awesome.

• 7:55Speaker 00

  Who that is, but maybe, I don't know. I don't want to glam bot, I think is what it's called.

• 7:59Speaker 01

  Glam bot, that's the one.

• 8:00Speaker 00

  I don't know if I want to do that because the risk reward is so low. Because either I fuck it up and everyone who's made fun of it, and I've probably made fun of it someplace like, ha, ha, you can't do it right. Even though it's turning and looking at a thing, you know, that's really all it is. Or I'm immortalized as yet another fucking meme for some stupid face I pulled and I didn't know on the fucking glam bot.

• 8:25Speaker 00

  I don't think that there's any winning for me of doing that.

• 8:27Speaker 01

  You're right. You basically have to do it.

• 8:29Speaker 00

  No, I have to run.

• 8:34Speaker 01

  So what they get you on glam bot is is looking at it in fear and running.

• 8:37Speaker 00

  Pretty much. Yeah. Then that would be the meme. Yeah, you're right.

• 8:40Speaker 01

  It's you realizing and then like.

• 8:43Speaker 00

  And then just starts following me like

• 8:47Speaker 01

  Like a minute long one when they're usually like 10 seconds or something.

• 8:50Speaker 00

  And then you just see it like go through my chest and a big explosion of blood out the back in front of the lens like And I'm dead.

• 8:58Speaker 02

  And glam bots immortalized forever.

• 8:59Speaker 01

  That's how I want to die. Get aliened by a glam bot.

• 9:03Speaker 02

  Well, now you put if it came from the back and burst like a chestburster glam bot, that'd be kind of cool.

• 9:08Speaker 01

  Yo, if it's chasing him, I'm assuming he's not running away backwards.

• 9:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, why would I do that? That looks sick.

• 9:14Speaker 01

  He's running away backwards just so we could be like.

• 9:18Speaker 02

  Don't forget to like and subscribe.

• 9:20Speaker 01

  Still gotta pull a face.

• 9:22Speaker 02

  That's pretty cool though. Hope you enjoy the Oscars. That sounds fun.

• 9:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, thank you. Thank you.

• 9:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, I hope that's fun. That seems like it'll be fun. Maybe kind of boring, maybe kind of weird, but hopefully pretty fun.

• 9:30Speaker 00

  I mean, it'll be a little weird because of things for me always are a little weird. I'm I'm I'm still gonna be like, why am I here? I don't know why I'm here.

• 9:37Speaker 02

  They're gonna have, I figured what the movie was that you were competing with for number one with Iron Lung, but they're gonna have you present them an award just to like rub it in.

• 9:44Speaker 00

  It's send help.

• 9:46Speaker 02

  They're just gonna get an award to make you present it like, oh, surprise, award presenter, markiplier.

• 9:51Speaker 00

  And like the last thing I want to do is is present. I don't really like the idea of presenting things. I don't know why. It's just like, it's not my thing.

• 9:59Speaker 01

  You're like reverse Tony Stark. You don't like handing people things.

• 10:04Speaker 02

  What a, what a reference.

• 10:05Speaker 01

  Nobody pointed and said that was funny. I'm crushed.

• 10:09Speaker 02

  I thought it was funny. I thought it was funny. I

• 10:11Speaker 01

  I know, but you just laughed like a nerd.

• 10:14Speaker 02

  I went straight to giving you a point. What's better than that? See, look, well, Wade, that was funny.

• 10:20Speaker 01

  See, that's what I want.

• 10:22Speaker 00

  No, it's an insult.

• 10:23Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 10:24Speaker 02

  It was so good. I went straight to the, I bypassed laughing, went straight to the point.

• 10:27Speaker 01

  I'll take it.

• 10:28Speaker 02

  Oh, so Mark's going to the Oscars. Bob, what's your competing small talk?

• 10:31Speaker 00

  Don't have diarrhea today for the first time in a while. So, you know, I'm doing pretty good.

• 10:36Speaker 01

  Oscars, tummy troubles, you know, I'm feeling pretty good. No, I haven't had diarrhea. Don't slander me like that, self. This, well, this is equally stupid compared to Mark's thing, but my car had a recall on it. I've owned this car for like a year and almost two years now. And since I bought it, since before I bought it, this recall was out. It's one of those ones where it's like, it's not going to kill you, but like hit my brake at some point and be very inconvenient. But they were in no rush or obligation to like fix it. So I waited for a long fucking time and I, on Friday this past week, I dropped it off and they had my car Friday through Monday over the weekend, which was again, kind of annoying, but they're fixing a thing. And it has been for the

• 11:16Speaker 01

  last year, every time I turn it on, it goes bing bong. There's an open recall on me. You should get me fixed. And I've been like, fucking, I would if I could, right? I had to like wait my turn to get, finally got it scheduled. I dropped it off and I was like, okay, so you guys are going to fix the recall, whatever, your place to park, and you're going to turn off the thing in the software where every time I drive my car, it tells me that there's a recall, right? Cause now I got it fixed. So I don't need that anymore. And the, the person at the desk was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, they're going to fix it. And I was like, I don't think you answered my question. I think you just kind of waved me away, but I don't care to talk to you anymore and I'm going to assume it'll be

• 11:56Speaker 01

  fixed. Got my car back yesterday. It was on when I got it, because the guy like pulled it out front and I got in. I didn't drive it again until today. I got in this morning, turned it on and I was like, ah, it's good to have my car back. Ding ding. There's an open recall on me. I was like, fuck,

• 12:16Speaker 01

  I'd rather they just fixed that and didn't even fix the recall. God damn it. So now for the rest of eternity, my car is just gonna be like, there's a recall. Fix me. And I'm gonna be like, shut up. Just be a car. God damn.

• 12:28Speaker 00

  I'm surprised that you got a notification in the car because I got, I get mine through a letter. I've had two recalls on my truck so far. The first one was like, there's a minor thing in the roof thing that could leak sometimes. And I'm like, oh, they just need to change the rubber gasket. This next one, I got a letter was like, sometimes if you put it into park, it will not be in park. And I'm like, that's, that seems like bad. And it's like, solution. We don't have one yet. We're working on it.

• 12:54Speaker 01

  And I'm like, interesting, interesting. No hills for me. Only park on flat ground and be careful what you aim it at. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know. It's kind of fancy that I got on my own dashboard. My car was like, I have a recall, but also, why would you do that to me? But I'm sure it'll go away on its own, right? That sort of thing clears itself up eventually. It'll realize it got fixed and then it'll be like, oh, I don't have to do that anymore. And then it'll be fine. Plus, I'm going to the Golden Globes. Not as cool as the Oscars, but uh, pretty fun.

• 13:28Speaker 00

  Hey, some people say it's as cool.

• 13:29Speaker 01

  Are you actually going to the Golden Globes? Yeah, obviously. You didn't get your invite win? Maybe my mailing address just hasn't been updated. I'm one of the three hosts of Hit Podcast Distractible. Why wouldn't I go to the Golden Globes? Which I think already happened this season. I don't remember. Right. Okay. So that is a lie point. I just wanted to make sure. No, whoa, hey, whoa, I'm not lying. I'm going to the Golden Globes. Yeah, he's gonna, he's gonna buy a, buy a pass. I'm gonna buy a three day pass. I'm gonna get a meet and greet. We'll start scheduling stuff. I love the gaming panels, the Golden Globes. They're doing a special reading of a, of a secret episode of Welcome to Night Vale. I don't know what the different awards are even for.

• 14:05Speaker 00

  Golden Globes and Oscars are two different movie awards, but there are also other award ceremonies.

• 14:12Speaker 01

  Few of the proud, the Marines, that's not one. So let me think about some other awards.

• 14:17Speaker 00

  If I had to guess, I think the Oscars, the Academy Awards are more prestigious.

• 14:21Speaker 01

  I think it has to do with the voting, the Academy Awards, the Academy votes on them. I don't know who votes on the Golden Globes, but it's not the, it's not the Film Academy of whatever the fuck the Academy is or whatever, but like, also doesn't the Golden Globes also do TV? I believe it does movies, but also television awards, I think.

• 14:39Speaker 00

  Maybe I'm not, I should know this. And this is me talking about this is going to get me excluded from any possible thing ever, but.

• 14:46Speaker 01

  You could still win a, a country music award. Top hit on Reddit is the main difference between the Golden Globes and the Oscars is that historically, the Golden Globes are rigged while the Oscars are not. I don't know what that means, but that's, that's probably information that is totally internet true.

• 15:03Speaker 02

  I hope Blueprints wins.

• 15:04Speaker 01

  Game of the year, game of the year.

• 15:07Speaker 00

  Game of the year.

• 15:08Speaker 02

  Me, been still into Pokemon fan games, been wanting sleep. I don't know if I had really good steak. There's a steakhouse in San Texas State, Brazil. We've all been there, went back. Oh, good. Getting very busy though. It's becoming like Soto where like you have to have a reservation a couple of weeks out because it's very busy, very busy.

• 15:25Speaker 01

  They got the meat.

• 15:26Speaker 02

  And escalators outside still broken. I don't think it's their fault.

• 15:30Speaker 01

  Is it actually broken?

• 15:31Speaker 02

  It was when we were there. The one going up was shut down. I think I'm three out of three for going and getting to use the escalator up as a staircase. But then at the top, they had it blocked off. It wasn't blocked off at the bottom. So you could use it as a staircase. When you get to the top, you have to like step over or move the sign that keeps you from going in. And it was like, that's concerning. Why not block off on both sides? No. But you know, meat good, still alive.

• 15:52Speaker 01

  Hey, you survived. That's good. Good job, buddy.

• 15:55Speaker 02

  Unless you guys have any more small talk.

• 15:57Speaker 00

  I mean, I've always got more.

• 15:59Speaker 02

  I gave you a lot of small talk points, Mark. You had a lot of cool small talk. I give Bob a lot of small talk points.

• 16:04Speaker 00

  Anyway, so I got more.

• 16:05Speaker 01

  Mine was way more relatable, you know, I just.

• 16:08Speaker 02

  I got more, I got more. I got called for jury duty.

• 16:11Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 16:12Speaker 02

  Are you going?

• 16:13Speaker 00

  I don't know. It's the way it works in, um, because I got told for jury duty back in Ohio. And, uh, it was like, you show up for that court case, but in LA, it's you are on call to be a juror for one week, right? And so if you are called in, you report and then do the whole juror selection process. And I'm concerned because when I did my first jury duty, I was picked as like number two juror and I was like 19 years old. So something about me seemed presentable and professional. So I gotta show up disheveled, dirty, just absolutely uncaring, but.

• 16:49Speaker 02

  Wear your, wear your Oscars blood outfit.

• 16:52Speaker 01

  No, I can tell you, if you wear your director hat and some sunglasses when they, and when they ask you to introduce you, be like, oh, I'm Mark. Uh, you may have heard about my move. They'll immediately be like, mm-mm.

• 17:05Speaker 01

  We're using one of our vetoes.

• 17:06Speaker 02

  Get a T-shirt that says, uh, Jesus was a mushroom.

• 17:09Speaker 01

  Or just do the Brian Regan bit.

• 17:10Speaker 02

  I don't know that one.

• 17:11Speaker 01

  I stole six cars. I killed three people. Oh, victim, victim. No.

• 17:17Speaker 02

  I don't know that one, but it sounds funny.

• 17:18Speaker 00

  Am I allowed to talk about the court cases after it's been done?

• 17:21Speaker 01

  Probably not supposed to. The real thing is if you do get picked for something, it's gonna be really fucking boring. Like, not that people want to be on a murder case, because like, then you're dealing, you have to see things and learn about things that are potentially, you know, terrible. But there's a much better chance that you're gonna be on a thing where it's like, no, this guy defrauded California out of taxes money. And we're gonna prove it. And it's like, great. I love reading documents. Explain it to me. Hooray.

• 17:46Speaker 00

  That was a boring thing about the last one. I won't get into too many details, but it was basically that. It was being like, they're squabbling over this guy didn't pay this much about this. And it's just like,

• 17:56Speaker 02

  You don't want to end up on like a high profile case because you end up sequestered. It's like you're supposed to be away from everyone for a long time. And that would suck.

• 18:02Speaker 00

  Can I make YouTube videos? They won't let me make YouTube.

• 18:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, that sounds like content to me, baby.

• 18:07Speaker 00

  All right.

• 18:08Speaker 02

  Hey, just me and our jurors, room 29 at the old Yi Hotel.

• 18:13Speaker 01

  It's your boy, Marky Marky Pleair, coming at you live from the jury deliberations.

• 18:18Speaker 02

  We have a verdict and you get it first if you're a paid subscriber.

• 18:22Speaker 01

  Let's check out juror number eight. Last time you said she was the hot one. That's the kind of stuff you make, right?

• 18:28Speaker 02

  Yep. You know my god as well, man.

• 18:30Speaker 01

  You're such a dog, Mark.

• 18:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it.

• 18:34Speaker 02

  You guys are funny, you know that?

• 18:36Speaker 00

  Did I get any points for it?

• 18:37Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, man.

• 18:38Speaker 01

  How many points did I earn for all my jokes I told?

• 18:41Speaker 02

  Oh, I don't know. I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna start writing some points.

• 18:44Speaker 00

  Oh, good, good, man. Good. Thank you.

• 18:46Speaker 02

  You know what a fun trial is? I wasn't on a jury. So when I, whenever I got called for jury, dude, I don't know if it was for federal or for local, but it was a thing where I had to call once a week for a month. So like four times I had to call to see if I still had to be on the jury. And then like, one of the times they were eventually like, you will not be on this jury. You don't have to call anymore. I was like, okay, cool. And that was the only time I've ever gone through the process, but it was like a weekly call in. Whenever I was working at the courthouse, I went and I got to sit on some of the war shack. I think it was Stephen Warshack. Basically, it was the smiling Bob, the this is Bob, like penis pill trial.

• 19:18Speaker 02

  That was a fun one to sit in on. You remember the, the hi, this is Bob commercials?

• 19:21Speaker 01

  I remember the, yeah, like the Cialis commercials with Bob or whatever.

• 19:24Speaker 02

  I think that was the, the guy.

• 19:26Speaker 00

  What commercial? Hi, this is Bob penis pill?

• 19:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was always like him, like waving and smiling and then like his wife with sunglasses, like looking whenever his trunks would fall off. Oh, oh, oh. I think that was the group. I might be misremembering the company associated. I think it was Warshack that was the owner. The article here is the rise and fall of the Cincinnati boner king. This would have been great for yesterday, last episode. I was working at the courthouse whenever that one came in. So a lot of the details of the case were actually really sad and depressing because people got scammed out of money and stuff. But like the overall theme of the boner pill stuff, funny. It was a big mixture of funny and sad. The topic of which was interesting. If I remember right, one of the details was like, I think it was an open trial. Like people could come and media was in there.

• 20:11Speaker 02

  But like they got accused of, and I think found guilty of basically like having a subscription thing where it's like, oh, so sign up for a free thing. But you have to give your credit card and like you couldn't cancel or something, or it was really hard to cancel. Those commercials were great. Unfortunately, uh, sometimes people running companies aren't good. Shock, shock.

• 20:29Speaker 02

  This episode is brought to you by T-Mobile 5G home internet. You already know that T-Mobile 5G home internet is ridiculously easy to set up with a price that doesn't feel like you're getting scammed every month. But here's something new worth noting. T-Mobile now has the fastest 5G home internet, according to the experts at Ookla Speed Test.

• 20:47Speaker 00

  No, seriously. Their 5G home internet speeds are officially the fastest, which means that when you're downloading all your movies that aren't mine, every single one except for mine, you'll get them at the fastest speeds possible, along with all your video calls and uploading files. And maybe even streaming something in the background, you know?

• 21:06Speaker 02

  And yeah, it is still a great value. Backed by a five-year price guarantee, so your bill doesn't slowly creep up when you're not paying attention. So if you want the fastest 5G home internet with a simple setup and savings that actually stick, head over to t-mobile.com/homeinternet to check availability today. Price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Fastest based on Ookla Speed Test Intelligence data, second half 2025. All rights reserved.

• 21:31Speaker 02

  So we have a game today. It's gonna be a combination of a couple of different games that we've played. I don't think anything that anyone said was a segue, so I can't give any segue points. We've done episodes of how to, how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, how to boil an egg, how to do all, we've done that stuff before. We've also done a game where you two will talk to each other and have to start off a sentence with the following letter like, "Hi, how are you?" "I am good. How are you?" "Tangaroos, man, they're everywhere," you know, H I J K, whatever. I might just skip the letter in there. We're gonna do some how to's where you two work together to tell me how to do something while playing the alphabet game.

• 22:02Speaker 01

  Oh, I'm ready for that.

• 22:04Speaker 02

  Easy, low effort. And I'll even, I'll leave this up to you guys. Do you guys want to just pick the letter you start on? And then the next time, the next person will get to pick the, or do you guys want me to do the random thing again? Random.

• 22:16Speaker 00

  And so we're working together to sell this, right?

• 22:18Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 22:19Speaker 01

  I'm just gonna pull up a picture of the alphabet in front of me, so I can't fuck that one up.

• 22:23Speaker 00

  I'm gonna go in blind. I don't need any crutches.

• 22:26Speaker 02

  All right, I've got, I've got a wheel. We love our wheels. I've got a wheel with letters A to Z in front of me, so I'll be spinning that to see where we start. Uh, to see who goes first. Mark, you're first in the line here, so you'll be heads. Bob, you'll be tails.

• 22:40Speaker 02

  Hale goes first. Bob, you get to go first.

• 22:42Speaker 01

  All right.

• 22:43Speaker 02

  So your topic will be how to train for a 5K when you hate running. Your starting letter is N. N isn't Nancy.

• 22:53Speaker 01

  Does this have to be like, everything we say is like one sentence? Like it's a list of instructions kinda deal?

• 23:00Speaker 02

  One sentence, I think, is good, yeah.

• 23:02Speaker 01

  Nobody likes running, but you're gonna try.

• 23:05Speaker 00

  Orgasmic pleasure awaits you with the runner's high.

• 23:09Speaker 01

  Pleasures you can only imagine until you know how to achieve such a mystical, mythical high.

• 23:16Speaker 00

  Retrograde ejaculation is achievable when you run.

• 23:22Speaker 01

  Did we just skip a letter already?

• 23:24Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 23:27Speaker 01

  I got my, you thought I was lying, but I am sitting here staring dead ass at my picture of the alphabet. No one is getting any shit past me.

• 23:38Speaker 00

  You're right. A man, I really need that. I'm not gonna do it though.

• 23:41Speaker 01

  No, no, you don't. Come on, man. We can do this.

• 23:44Speaker 00

  We can do this. Should I back up and try again? Sure. Uh, you're, you're on cue. I'll help you. Quick, act now and you'll be running marathons with pleasure soon.

• 23:56Speaker 01

  Running is easier than it seems. All you have to do is run.

• 23:59Speaker 00

  So, so, so easy.

• 24:01Speaker 01

  That's what this tutorial is about. How easy running is and that you should go run right now.

• 24:07Speaker 00

  Understand, the only thing standing between you and orgasmic pleasure is your laziness.

• 24:14Speaker 01

  Very lazy boy. Very naughty boy. No orgasmic pleasure for you.

• 24:19Speaker 00

  When will you learn that pleasures beyond your comprehension are right around the corner?

• 24:26Speaker 01

  Xerxes could run for thousands of miles and he may have been a god, but we'll get you running a 5K in no time.

• 24:33Speaker 00

  You'll never compare to Xerxes. Let's be honest, but you could get close.

• 24:36Speaker 01

  Zebras maybe. They run a lot, but I bet you could keep up.

• 24:39Speaker 00

  All you need to do is buy our special shoes to get you started.

• 24:45Speaker 01

  But you could only buy our special shoes after you've paid our subscription price, which is 33.33 a month for first time subscribers.

• 24:54Speaker 00

  Compounding this interest applies, you're gonna pay a rate of 38.99 APY.

• 24:59Speaker 01

  Don't worry about that. Give me your credit card info. We'll get you signed up right away. Get them, get the shoes shipped right out. You'll be fine.

• 25:06Speaker 00

  Everyone who's bought our program before has been very happy about it, especially with the orgasmic pleasure. Don't forget about that.

• 25:12Speaker 01

  Funny how I forgot to mention, also you need our special running shirt so that your nipples don't get chafed and fall off.

• 25:19Speaker 00

  Gyno is no laughing matter, which is why our compression shirts will get rid of those man boobs.

• 25:24Speaker 01

  Hernias neither. Compression shirt and compression shorts and compression girdle, hernias be damned.

• 25:30Speaker 00

  I'm wearing it right now. Look, do you see any hernias? Do you see? No hernias.

• 25:35Speaker 01

  Just so you know, we can't make any medical claims about the benefits of our compression clothes. I am just telling you that colloquially, you're very unlikely to get the hernias.

• 25:43Speaker 00

  Knowing is half the battle.

• 25:46Speaker 01

  Loser, loser. Is that what you want to hear? No. So you better start running, you loser.

• 25:53Speaker 00

  Move, move, move. You gotta get to the phone first. So you can call our number, order our shirts, then our shorts, then our shoes, and you'll be on your way to fantastic 5Ks.

• 26:06Speaker 01

  Do we start on N or O?

• 26:07Speaker 02

  N.

• 26:08Speaker 01

  Oh, and that's it. This is our simple 26 step plan to get you running 5Ks.

• 26:15Speaker 02

  That was very funny. I gotta give the point to Bob though, because he didn't miss any letters there. I that, you know, that's.

• 26:20Speaker 00

  You know what? Yes. I think you might have been cheating, but you know.

• 26:23Speaker 01

  Oh, can I declare unfair that he can't have that?

• 26:26Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 26:26Speaker 00

  You just said it, so I can't stop you.

• 26:29Speaker 01

  Well, you did say it.

• 26:32Speaker 00

  I think it's unfair that he has that.

• 26:34Speaker 02

  I'm not gonna lie. I did give you a point, Mark, for not using letter help, but we can still declare it.

• 26:39Speaker 00

  All right, here we go. Let's see.

• 26:42Speaker 01

  All heads, Mark wins. All tails, I win. Well, we could decide after the fact.

• 26:46Speaker 00

  All tails, we have to go backwards through the alphabet, and I still can't look.

• 26:50Speaker 01

  Oh, fuck.

• 26:51Speaker 02

  Fair enough. I'm down.

• 26:53Speaker 01

  No, I like that. Good suggestion, Mark.

• 26:55Speaker 02

  Oh, I'm hoping for all tails.

• 26:57Speaker 00

  All right, here we go. I'm hoping.

• 27:01Speaker 01

  Oh, it fucking hit the floor. Hang on.

• 27:03Speaker 02

  I got one.

• 27:04Speaker 00

  That's heads. Uh.

• 27:06Speaker 01

  I don't know where my coin went.

• 27:08Speaker 02

  I don't think it matters.

• 27:09Speaker 00

  Some data scientist wants to know what he had.

• 27:11Speaker 02

  That's true.

• 27:13Speaker 01

  Hey.

• 27:14Speaker 00

  Where'd it go?

• 27:15Speaker 01

  Coin?

• 27:17Speaker 02

  Bob, it's right behind your ear.

• 27:19Speaker 01

  What the fuck? Okay, it's gone, I guess.

• 27:22Speaker 00

  I'm holding a very cool pose with this.

• 27:24Speaker 01

  I actually just don't see it.

• 27:26Speaker 00

  All right, it doesn't matter. That would be a nail biter if both of us got the same. Oh.

• 27:30Speaker 01

  It's the lion, which is tails.

• 27:34Speaker 00

  Okay, all right, I tried.

• 27:35Speaker 02

  The coin has spoken. Everything stays as is.

• 27:38Speaker 01

  Do you want me to stop using it, Mark? Do you want me to stop cheating?

• 27:41Speaker 00

  No, no, no. The coin's spoken. The coin's spoken. I thought I could get an advantage, but uh, you know.

• 27:45Speaker 01

  I know, but I want it to be fun.

• 27:47Speaker 02

  You know, make a note of do alphabet backwards, though. That's a great idea.

• 27:51Speaker 00

  Oh, no.

• 27:52Speaker 02

  The next one, Mark, you will start us off. How to escape a Zoom call without anyone noticing.

• 27:59Speaker 00

  Ah, I see.

• 28:00Speaker 02

  Your letter is P.

• 28:03Speaker 00

  Pretty much everybody has been in this situation. You're in a Zoom call, boring you to tears. You've got shows you gotta watch. You got places you wanna go. How do you get out of this?

• 28:12Speaker 01

  Quick, find a dummy online that looks as much like you as humanly possible and dress it in your clothes.

• 28:19Speaker 00

  Remember, when you're looking this up, you need to keep your eye line on the camera so they think you're paying attention.

• 28:24Speaker 01

  Some people forget about the camera, but you could do almost anything. If you maintain eye line with the camera, it will look like you're engaged and a great, great employee.

• 28:34Speaker 00

  Take a screenshot of your webcam, grow it up big and make sure you have a printer nearby that you can print out a full copy of it.

• 28:41Speaker 01

  Understand that you might have to give up the clothes you put on your dummy forever, but it will mean you'll be able to get out all these Zoom calls you don't wanna be trapped in.

• 28:50Speaker 00

  Vava voom, oh no, I forgot about the noise the printer would make. You gotta be shush, shush, shush about it.

• 28:56Speaker 01

  When they don't hear the noise the printer is making because you were shush, shush, shush about it, you'll be scot-free and then whatever you printed will help you to get out of the thing you were doing.

• 29:08Speaker 00

  Xanthum gum, you have a whole drawer full of it. Obviously, anyone would. Start popping that and chew loud, too loud, too proud.

• 29:17Speaker 01

  Yum, yum, xanthum gum, mmm, down to my belly. No, don't swallow it, that's dangerous.

• 29:24Speaker 00

  Zeus himself would judge you if you swallowed that, so don't.

• 29:29Speaker 01

  Anyway, dummy that looks like you, printer noises, xanthum gum. I think you could see where we're going with this, but let's move on to the next step.

• 29:37Speaker 00

  Butts, butts are the most distracting of the human body part. So don't get it in frame at all, or they'll pay attention to you.

• 29:45Speaker 01

  Common mistake to get your butt in the frame. So, but listen to that last one, that's an important one. Another common mistake is to get your front parts in front of your penis into the frame.

• 29:59Speaker 00

  Dicks, dick, we call them dicks.

• 30:01Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 30:02Speaker 00

  Are all the second most noticeable thing boobs are probably third weirdly enough The little dimple on your back above your butt fourth uh fifth is your your your collarbone so Keep those puppies down.

• 30:18Speaker 01

  Everything off screen except for your visage really just the face and don't look cute while You're doing it everything boring everything ugly.

• 30:27Speaker 00

  Face I don't know why he's using fancy words like visage or something but get real Close so that you can print it out chewing your gum keeping your butt out and make sure You're covering the printer noise once it's out here's what you're gonna need next.

• 30:39Speaker 01

  Great googly mooglies it's time to get your favorite children's book no one will begrudge You reading a good book during a meeting to help stimulate your neurons and stay heightened And focused.

• 30:53Speaker 00

  Hip hip hooray once they've gone into a deep slumber from the book that you have Been reading them you can then take a piece of tape take your print out slowly and carefully Scratch it quickly and fastly put it up over your camera.

• 31:12Speaker 01

  If that works which it will you're basically done there's only one more very important Step.

• 31:21Speaker 00

  Just open your ears and listen this is the most crucial part of the entire process And here it comes.

• 31:30Speaker 01

  Knuckle down toughen up buttercup it's gonna happen you're gonna do it it's gonna Be great.

• 31:37Speaker 00

  Listen listen listen ears ears ears this is all what it's been building towards This moment right here.

• 31:46Speaker 01

  Munch your xanthum gum never stop with the xanthum gum chew chew chew chew chew Don't swallow.

• 31:53Speaker 00

  Nobody likes the swallower never swallow no no no but pay attention.

• 32:00Speaker 01

  Only one step left and it's this.

• 32:04Speaker 01

  Fucking run! Get out of there, go! You're free, it's time! You've done everything we've asked of you, now go! Fly, you fools!

• 32:14Speaker 02

  I think that's all the letters.

• 32:16Speaker 00

  There's all, yeah, yeah.

• 32:18Speaker 02

  Great googly boogly and vava voo, man.

• 32:22Speaker 00

  You know how I always am whenever I'm in crisis? Vava voo!

• 32:26Speaker 01

  Think dropping the coin really threw me off my game.

• 32:29Speaker 02

  Oh no, it was so funny.

• 32:31Speaker 00

  Hey game, hey game.

• 32:33Speaker 02

  How to fake knowing what you're doing at a wine tasting? Or how to fake being a wine connoisseur? Your starting letter is C.

• 32:42Speaker 01

  Connoisseurs are a simple bunch. Pretentious, excited to agree with anyone who seems pretentious. They'll go along, you just mainly need to be confident.

• 32:51Speaker 00

  Dumb asses, all of them. They think that one wine's better than the other. Everyone knows it's all grapes all the way down. There's literally no difference.

• 32:59Speaker 01

  Especially the red ones. Red wine all tastes the same. It tastes like if grape juice got spilled in some dirt. And all you're doing when you're pretending is finding fancy ways to describe exactly that flavor.

• 33:14Speaker 00

  Foot fungus. That's basically what wine is. They mash them with their tootsies, they get all their athlete's foot in there. You're drinking liquefied fungus from feet.

• 33:22Speaker 01

  Greasy foods help. Whatever you're drinking, make sure that you're eating the greasiest thing you can to go with it. The grease really opens up the palate, is what they would say.

• 33:32Speaker 02

  Hi ho, hi ho. It's off to the tasting you go. You are prepared, but don't you worry, we're gonna be there the whole damn time for you. We're gonna be there for you.

• 33:45Speaker 01

  Oh, I didn't know we were doing songs. Uh, hang on.

• 33:49Speaker 01

  I wanna drink from the champagne bottle! The champagne bottle!

• 33:59Speaker 01

  I don't want to do that.

• 34:00Speaker 02

  We skip, where are we at? What letter is that? GHI.

• 34:04Speaker 01

  What? We didn't skip shit. GHI. What do you mean?

• 34:07Speaker 02

  Oh, I, okay, that's my bad. You're perfectly fine.

• 34:10Speaker 01

  Why did you think I screamed at the top of my range?

• 34:13Speaker 02

  I don't know, man. I just, I lost my, that's my bad. I'll deduct a point for me.

• 34:18Speaker 00

  Just pay attention to us, your guides. That third guy, we don't know him. He's, he just kind of follows along.

• 34:25Speaker 01

  Knowledge is the enemy of success in this endeavor. What you really want to do is pick a loser and make sure everyone gangs up on him. In our case, it's Wade.

• 34:34Speaker 00

  Lubrication is the spice of life. You need social lubricant with alcohol. You need personal lubricant with, you know, and you need mental lubricant so you can get those neurons firing.

• 34:47Speaker 01

  Masturbation. I don't know why he wouldn't. He said, you know, like it's masturbation. That's what you need personal lubricant for. So don't, don't mix that up.

• 34:55Speaker 00

  Not everyone is crude. Some people like to be a little more subdued with their dialogue, you know?

• 35:00Speaker 01

  Oh, now I'm crude. Oh, now it's fun, fun when we're not giving instructions, but oh, now, oh, Bob's so crude. Wow.

• 35:10Speaker 02

  Hold on. We're holding, we're holding.

• 35:13Speaker 01

  Oh, crude. I'll say I can stretch it.

• 35:19Speaker 00

  I thought I knew. Okay, hold on. This is gonna be so worth it. Plantobacillus plantarum lacti. Let's just get to the main brunt of it. That's the bacteria that, that's the fermentation bacteria that makes wine really taste, you know, whatever.

• 35:37Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 35:41Speaker 01

  That was just my response. That wasn't the next one. No, I was just allowing him to demonstrate his, calm down. If you really want to, nope, wait. Car de Champs. That'll wow him. If you want to wow your, your fellow wine connoisseurs, just drop that, the Car de Champs. Famous Cote de Leon district of France, famous vineyard, and everyone will be like, wow.

• 36:09Speaker 02

  How's that spelled?

• 36:11Speaker 01

  Q U A R T S de Champs.

• 36:14Speaker 00

  Orchard.

• 36:18Speaker 00

  Orchard. You grow grapes in an orchard.

• 36:25Speaker 01

  Wait, what letter are we on?

• 36:28Speaker 00

  And, oh fuck, wait.

• 36:29Speaker 01

  R.

• 36:31Speaker 00

  Roardchard. The original pronunciation of orchard is Roardchard.

• 36:41Speaker 01

  Swine, there's a reason swine and wine are almost the exact same word. They go together. Drink your wine and eat your swine, but don't drink your swine and eat your wine. That's what I say.

• 36:52Speaker 00

  Torture.

• 36:56Speaker 00

  Torture. Sometimes these wine tasting events feel like torture. You gotta tough through.

• 37:03Speaker 01

  Oh, fuck. Where did we start?

• 37:07Speaker 00

  Oh my god.

• 37:08Speaker 01

  See? Okay.

• 37:10Speaker 00

  A long way to go.

• 37:12Speaker 01

  Unorthodox. That's the kind of wine you wanna focus on. Everybody knows about the common stuff, but you want the unorthodox wines.

• 37:25Speaker 00

  Vineyard. Another word for orchard.

• 37:31Speaker 01

  Worcestershire sauce. It's another flavor you could describe a red wine having. Worcestershire sauce.

• 37:43Speaker 00

  X.

• 37:46Speaker 00

  Oh, this is the spot. X marks the spot. You're there. You've made it to the location. Our cryptic clues have gotten you to the tasting. So you're there now. It's time to not die.

• 38:01Speaker 01

  Your palate won't lie to you. Whatever your palate tastes, that's what your wine tastes like.

• 38:11Speaker 00

  Zaza juice. Some people in history have called wine the zaza. Don't ask who, it's not an X, it's a Z. Just remember when you're getting all fancy, they care about this shit. I don't personally, but when you get into the vineyard orchard place, ask for the zaza.

• 38:29Speaker 01

  Anyway, look. I feel like we've gone down a lot of rabbit holes here. The important thing is be as douchey as you can. They love that shit. Wine connoisseurs are there for the douchiness.

• 38:41Speaker 00

  Boredom. Boredom. It's just the way it's gonna be, so get used to the boredom.

• 38:51Speaker 02

  All right, that's all the letters.

• 38:53Speaker 00

  Man, I love when you end our bits with, all right.

• 38:58Speaker 02

  I, dude, I was laughing so hard during all of this.

• 39:02Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 39:03Speaker 02

  It started with Rorchard and it just didn't stop.

• 39:08Speaker 02

  Like, I'm not funny enough to follow that up. That was just so perfectly done, guys.

• 39:14Speaker 00

  Oh, thank you. Yes, my orchard, orchard, perfect.

• 39:18Speaker 01

  Plus, now you know how to drink wine.

• 39:21Speaker 02

  Zaza, that's with a Z, not an X.

• 39:25Speaker 01

  I'm sorry, are you familiar with Zaza spelled with an X?

• 39:29Speaker 02

  It's, you know, Zaza, Zaza, Zaza.

• 39:33Speaker 00

  Cause actually every letter could potentially be Zaza, so.

• 39:39Speaker 02

  Who started that one? Bob, did you start that one? So it's Mark again?

• 39:42Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 39:43Speaker 02

  We'll do, we'll do one more. It'll be two and two. How to build a throne out of office supplies to become leader of the break room?

• 39:50Speaker 01

  Wait, what?

• 39:51Speaker 02

  Was I not clear?

• 39:52Speaker 01

  Wait, say that, wait, what?

• 39:54Speaker 02

  How to build a throne out of office supplies to become leader of the break room?

• 40:00Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 40:01Speaker 02

  This is a classic how to.

• 40:02Speaker 00

  Classic, yep.

• 40:04Speaker 02

  Your starting letter is K.

• 40:08Speaker 00

  King, we know you to be truly the ruler of the break room, but the other peasants don't know it yet. How do you get your crown?

• 40:17Speaker 01

  Look doubt on them from your throne. That's how you get your crown. Becoming king is purely about stature and status.

• 40:27Speaker 00

  Monarchies were built with the blood and bone of those lesser than you. So let's identify first, who is your lesser?

• 40:34Speaker 01

  Nonarkeys were built by not building a throne out of whatever materials were available in the kingdom. So let's identify, where is your kingdom?

• 40:44Speaker 00

  Openly declare your intentions to your fellow workers. Shout from the top of your lungs, I am the king, you are all my subjects, I will kill anyone that opposes me.

• 40:54Speaker 01

  Piously allow them to remain living in your kingdom to show that you do have mercy, even though you are a mighty king.

• 41:04Speaker 00

  Quack like a duck. It sounds random. It is not. This is very written in history. At this point, you must quack like a duck. It's going to throw them off a little bit, but your dominance will be asserted.

• 41:16Speaker 01

  Run in circles while you quack. Seems counterintuitive, might seem silly, but running in circles is a key part of the quacking, the quackening, it's often called.

• 41:25Speaker 00

  Suck anything nearby that gets within your circle of influence. It doesn't matter. It sounds strange. Again, this is how kings are made. It is not normal, but you are not normal.

• 41:36Speaker 01

  They might laugh at you, but people often laugh at things they can't even comprehend. You are their king and you know that is the truth, so you must stay strong.

• 41:46Speaker 00

  Undress immediately. Your mortal clothes are not fit for a king. You will be getting more clothes, but now they need to bask in the glory that is your body.

• 41:54Speaker 01

  Vigorously whip your penis back and forth to demonstrate your obvious superiority and take full advantage of your nudity.

• 42:09Speaker 00

  Women or those who may not have a penis whip whatever you can. Anything and everything will work so long as something is whipping in one direction. More vigorous, the better.

• 42:20Speaker 01

  Zilliness clothes await you in your royal, zilliness meaning of, or like cotton, await you in your royal throne. You will be clothed in glory along with kinglyness.

• 42:36Speaker 00

  Zebras should be dancing through the building at this point. Do not be alarmed. It's part of the process. They know where they're going and you know where you're going.

• 42:51Speaker 01

  I'll do it.

• 42:52Speaker 00

  Oh, fuck. Ah, it's so good for so long.

• 42:57Speaker 02

  Oh, that's right. Yep. Sorry. I was I was writing something down. I completely missed that.

• 43:02Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 43:03Speaker 01

  You don't need to know the exact order of the alphabet. You're a king, goddammit.

• 43:10Speaker 00

  Sounds, man. Act like one.

• 43:13Speaker 01

  Anyway, we were going to decide what your kingdom was. It's the break room. The whole break room. That's your kingdom. Whatever's in the break room. That's what you have to build your throne out of. Getting back to the important points here.

• 43:23Speaker 00

  Break room's the best place for a throne room because that's where everyone goes to rest. And that's where everyone will go to pay homage to your kingly and or queenliness.

• 43:34Speaker 01

  Can't take a break without going to the break room. That's what my manager always said. They're forced to be your subjects. It's a beautiful system.

• 43:41Speaker 00

  Doors. Rip every door off of every other door in the office. Bring it to the break room. There's nothing that says king or queen like big doors.

• 43:48Speaker 01

  Elevators are just break rooms that move around a little bit. So don't forget to take advantage of your elevated break rooms.

• 43:57Speaker 00

  Funnily enough, you'll need to take the elevator doors as well. Everyone will be able to still ride an elevator. It'll just have no doors. It'll be a little scary. But this is not for the faint of heart. You're about to be a king and or queen.

• 44:08Speaker 01

  Greatness does not come easy. It will be confusing. Some people will die, but you will be great.

• 44:16Speaker 00

  Death. Am I right? I am.

• 44:21Speaker 01

  Isn't it glorious just to imagine the future where everyone has to pay toodleage to you and collect taxes and start beheading people? Just king stuff, you know?

• 44:32Speaker 00

  Just gather some chairs, plop yourself on it. You're pretty much there.

• 44:36Speaker 02

  All right. Well done. I mean, that's funny. Funny.

• 44:41Speaker 01

  Ah, you did it. Thank you.

• 44:43Speaker 02

  Guys, I did my points differently this time. I did two columns and it's so much more legible.

• 44:48Speaker 00

  Whoa.

• 44:49Speaker 01

  Whoa.

• 44:51Speaker 02

  It's so much more legible.

• 44:53Speaker 00

  That's crazy.

• 44:54Speaker 01

  Is it, though?

• 44:55Speaker 02

  Oh, I think so. Let's get to let's get to the points and see. We'll start with me. I got. Minus one point for being an idiot. Mark, you got Oscars, Mickey coming, jury duty, funny point, no letter help because you didn't have the letters in front of you. Vava Voom, butts, distracting, nobody likes to swallow, Iho, plantayada yada. Oh, the you looked up a word, plant, whatever that word was, I could not keep up with it. Orchard, Porcher, X, marks the spot, quack and suck, ha, ha, ha. You lost three points for skipping Q, oh, for you did Orchard at

• 45:37Speaker 02

  first instead of Orchard, so you skipped the R and Y there at the end.

• 45:41Speaker 01

  That's fair. That's fair. All fair.

• 45:42Speaker 02

  Bob, you got points for Morgan Freeman, remembering, mole pelts, reverse, Tony Stark, good poops, car recall, going to the Golden Globes, which is a lie point, loser, running, great googly boogly, fucking run. You stretched out time for Mark when Mark was working on a letter at one point, you bought some time and that got you a point. I think you looked up a word again, I didn't get a good Quordis something or another with a Q. Oh, sure. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know what it was, but I think you you named something. Was it the? No, that's Zilliness. I've got Zilliness and Nonarchy here as well, but you it looks like it's I this is

• 46:21Speaker 02

  the one I can't really read too well, but it looks like it says Q U U A R D I S A W M Quordisum? That sounds like a word. No idea, but you got a point for it. I didn't count our totals here, so we got one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, minus three, so 12. For Mark, how do we do lie points? Do we just count them? And then if something comes up on the wheel, it changes? Does count them as normal first? Is that the rule?

• 46:45Speaker 01

  I'm not going to tell you. I think you should do them however you want.

• 46:48Speaker 02

  So right now, the score is 14 points, Bob, with a lie point, 12 points, Mark, negative one, me.

• 46:55Speaker 01

  Pretty good. Pretty good.

• 46:56Speaker 02

  And then we got our our wheels.

• 46:58Speaker 01

  It's not the worst. It's not the worst.

• 47:00Speaker 02

  How many spins will there be?

• 47:06Speaker 01

  It's three again. Look at that.

• 47:08Speaker 02

  What to add, what to add?

• 47:10Speaker 01

  Hey, we're closing in 100 options here, guys. This is gonna be number 95 on the wheel.

• 47:14Speaker 00

  Oh, damn.

• 47:15Speaker 02

  Let's give a point for chivalry. Doing something to help out, like if you do something to help out a teammate or your opponent or the host, if you're just helpful, you get a chivalry point.

• 47:24Speaker 01

  All right, three spins, shall we?

• 47:29Speaker 00

  Oh, damn.

• 47:32Speaker 01

  Add 10% chance to the one man show. It is.

• 47:35Speaker 00

  Puts us at 28%, I think.

• 47:38Speaker 01

  Yep, plus 10. We are at 28%.

• 47:40Speaker 02

  All because of 10% being added twice.

• 47:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, we started at six and then we added 12% in one episode and 10% in this episode. I'm sure that won't come up for you, Wade. It'll be fine.

• 47:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, hopefully.

• 47:54Speaker 01

  Oh, shit. Hey, look.

• 47:57Speaker 00

  Okay, well, this one is obvious. I think Bob has to have this one because mine is black and it's basically close to white on the the background there. He's got like salmon pink to purple, I believe, would be pretty close. I don't even think I have to measure that one.

• 48:11Speaker 02

  Bob, do you argue?

• 48:13Speaker 01

  No, I do think that's pretty likely. No, one more spin.

• 48:18Speaker 00

  I got a chance.

• 48:19Speaker 02

  Oh, well, that goes to Mark, I guess.

• 48:21Speaker 00

  I think I get that one. Yeah, I think I do.

• 48:24Speaker 02

  The final score is Bob 15, Mark 13 after the wheels. Mark, you get to lead us off with the loser's speech. You can use whatever letters of the alphabet you want.

• 48:33Speaker 00

  You know, I'll put it this way. In life, sometimes the losers are really the winners. I'd like to take a textbook out of Sam Altman's book of business, right? OpenAI, they're set to lose $200 billion like in the next year. They've already written that off. And you know, some of those other companies, they only lose a couple billion, you know, like 10 or so. And people used to think that was a lot. But sometimes there's new depths to losing that we have not yet reached. And I intend to lose harder than ever. And by doing so, we'll see who really is the winner. We'll see.

• 49:10Speaker 02

  Well said, I think. Bob?

• 49:13Speaker 01

  Feels good to win, you know? I participated in today's episode with my words and my voice out loud and for that, I earned it. It's not up to me whether I think it was funny or not. It's up to Wade. And he pointed and he said that was funny. So.

• 49:31Speaker 02

  Points don't lie. Points don't lie.

• 49:33Speaker 01

  True, true is true and fair is fair. The coins don't lie. The points don't lie. And there we go.

• 49:39Speaker 02

  Well said. Well, thank you guys for participating and making it really, really funny. I did get some good laughs and I hope you all enjoyed watching. Congrats to Bob for winning. If you haven't already, go follow the boys. Mark at Mark, Bob at Meisker, me at Minion777 or LordMinion777. We have merch sometimes at distractible.shop, so keep an eye over there. The next one, Bob will host. We'll see what he comes up with. Until then, podcast out.

• 50:05Speaker 01

  Did Guam in, Mark? Yeah, are we Guam in?

• 50:07Speaker 00

  Uh, what happens when I do two? Do I go double Guam?

• 50:10Speaker 01

  You disappear from where you are and you reappear in Guam.

• 50:13Speaker 00

  Take me to double Guam.

• 50:16Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 50:19Speaker 01

  Double Guam.

• 50:21Speaker 00

  You know, the editor is just like, what the fuck? This is double Guam.