Pod Insights Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend The Conan and Jordan Show - Lady Crackers About this episode On this episode of “The Conan and Jordan Show”, Jordan attempts to show his ability to be a successful product pitchman. Conan and Jordan also take turns answering life’s great philosophical questions.
Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Speaker 00 What do I gift my mom and nieces?
0:01 Speaker 01 Walmart has top brands you know, like Ninja, Disney, Lico.
0:08 Speaker 00 Oh, Dad loves music.
0:09 Speaker 01 Sonos can bring his songs to life with sound that hits just right.
0:16 Speaker 00 And my coffee-obsessed bestie?
0:17 Speaker 01 Delongi Brews Coffee, right for mornings extra bright.
0:21 Speaker 00 All those great brands at Walmart? Who knew?
0:23 Speaker 01 We knew, now you do too.
0:26 Speaker 02 Shop gifts no love at Walmart.
0:30 Speaker 03 Meeting new people just got way more fun because now you don't have to do it alone. With Tinder's new Double Date feature, you and your bestie can match together. Tap the Double Date icon to see profiles built for two. When two pairs match, the group chat kicks off. Scope the profiles, send memes, keep the chat fun, hype each other up, flirt a little, maybe plan a hang. It's always better when you're in it together. Try the new Tinder Double Date. Explore all the possibilities. Tinder, it starts with a swipe. Download Tinder today.
1:12 Conan O'Brien? All right, well, welcome to the Conan and Jordan Show. This is our second episode. I have to be honest with you, Jordan. I didn't think we'd get to a second episode.
1:20 Speaker 05 Yeah.
1:21 Conan O'Brien? Because during the last one, I'm just being honest, I wanted to smash your face into powder.
1:29 Conan O'Brien? But we made it. We're here. And this is by popular demand. People love the Conan and Jordan Show.
1:36 Speaker 05 What kind of polling did you do to determine the success of the first episode?
1:42 Conan O'Brien? I've looked at no data. I've talked to no one. I live pretty much a secluded, strange life. But I know deep in my heart that this thing's a smash hit, so much so that, look, we have our own sign now, the Conan and Jordan Show.
1:54 Speaker 05 Now, I was under the impression that the previous recording session was an audition of sorts.
1:58 Conan O'Brien? Oh, God, no. No, we use... Uh, every part of the Buffalo here, we can't waste anything. So no, that was not an audition. That's, that was the first episode.
2:08 Speaker 05 So now we have our own show. We've passed, we've passed whatever requirements we needed to pass.
2:12 Conan O'Brien? What requirements are there? This is the radio.
2:14 Speaker 05 I was under the impression it was sink or swim that the first episode was going to determine the future viability of you and I.
2:20 Conan O'Brien? Not really, no. No, you were under no pressure.
2:23 Speaker 05 Is this a vote of confidence by any interpretation?
2:25 Conan O'Brien? Nobody. Nobody has, uh, I've run this up the flagpole at Sirius. They said, we don't have a flagpole and we're not taking your call.
2:31 Speaker 05 How does this compare, the launch of this show, how would this compare, let's say, to the launch of your late night show?
2:37 Conan O'Brien? Thirty years ago now, yeah.
2:38 Speaker 05 Or, or, or any of your new projects, even your Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend podcast. Would this be comparable launch?
2:43 Conan O'Brien? Not at all. No, those were like massive battleships that, you know, you hit it with the champagne, they slide into the ocean, then they have a storied career, uh, on the high seas, defending England or America, or whatever country manufactured the ship. Uh, this, um, I don't know, this is the omission of a little gas, maybe from like a broken down machine. Uh, but still, it's something that's happening and we have to respect it.
3:07 Speaker 05 What kind of promotional circuit can I expect? Will we be hitting the road?
3:12 Conan O'Brien? Oh, God, no. No, no, no. We, uh, we can't spread anything.
3:16 Speaker 05 Is there any kind of press release that I need to approve or anything like that?
3:19 Conan O'Brien? I don't even think we can afford that and I'm told they're free. So, uh, no. And first of all, you've so far been just asking a series of questions and I've indulged you, but let me get a little bit of stuff out.
3:28 Speaker 05 Oh, you have an agenda. Okay, go ahead.
3:30 Conan O'Brien? Well, you don't have to announce everything. Uh, it's the Conan and Jordan Show. It's the second episode. This is where you and I talk and, um, people do all the time ask me, how's Jordan doing? I want more Conan and Jordan. You know that our videos are a massive hit on YouTube, various other sundry places, the, the websites. Uh, people love them. They can't get enough. They want more. Well, now we're giving them more. And what better way to experience us than while you're driving around, maybe in your rental car, or at home, listening to Sirius XM? This is the way to do it. People listen to the Conan O'Brien channel. They want to hear this stuff, you know? So it's you and I together. How you feeling about it?
4:12 Speaker 05 That's what you cut me off to get to?
4:14 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
4:14 Speaker 05 I thought you had some bombshell you were gonna drop. That's what you had to say? That's the information you had to spread? I can't believe you had Billy Corgan on your podcast and you didn't ask him what he was chanting at the beginning of 1979. A question that's been confounding fans for decades on the forums. You had him right here.
4:32 Conan O'Brien? I did ask him.
4:32 Speaker 05 What were you chanting? But instead it was, oh, I'm a guitarist too. Do you prefer a Telecaster or a Stratocaster? You know, why didn't you ask him the question that people?
4:42 Conan O'Brien? First of all, it's just Stratocaster. It's not Stratocaster. Second of all.
4:45 Speaker 05 We just said the same thing.
4:46 Conan O'Brien? Second of all, I did ask him. We talked about it as he was getting into his car because the magic moments for me aren't captured. Okay, you greedily want me to spill that kind of stuff into a microphone. I walked Billy to his car. It was Acura and massive dent in the back bumper. Um, and I asked him that question and he told me the answer, but that's the kind of thing I can't share.
5:17 Speaker 05 You can listen to the isolated audio tracks on YouTube and you still can't figure it out. He would have told you. It's not meant to be a secret. It's not like Quentin Tarantino not telling people it was in the suitcase in Pulp Fiction. It just so happens he's never been asked. Now you had the opportunity to ask and finally put this to rest, but instead you decided to stick to guitars?
5:37 Conan O'Brien? I asked him what I was interested in and I also knew that he'd tell me when we walked him to his Acura and he did. So, uh, I was satisfied.
5:47 Speaker 05 The internet is a great resource for many things. You could look up Beyonce song lyrics, the lemonade and see, you know, a thousand renditions of it. But there are some songs John Parr's St. Elmo's Fire where there are not accurate depictions of the lyrics anywhere.
5:59 Conan O'Brien? Wait a minute, the song St. Elmo's Fire?
6:01 Speaker 05 Okay.
6:02 Conan O'Brien? What? Do you like that song?
6:04 Speaker 05 1985 Man in Motion, St. Elmo's Fire by John Parr, which was secretly about differently abled people overcoming the odds. But under the guise of a teen movie as used in the movie.
6:15 Conan O'Brien? They weren't teens. They were in their twenties. Don't anger me when people call people teens when they're 25, 26, sometimes some of them pushing 30. Emilio Estevez was 44 years old when he starred in that movie.
6:27 Speaker 05 You're a man that appreciates horns. Do you understand? Horn work that David Foster put into that final chorus. Yet, nobody understands what the lyrics are.
6:34 Conan O'Brien? All right, tell me the lyrics.
6:36 Speaker 05 I figured it out.
6:37 Conan O'Brien? Tell me the lyrics.
6:37 Speaker 05 No, you try to figure it out.
6:38 Conan O'Brien? No, I don't even know.
6:39 Speaker 05 You can, I looked at the sheet music in the eighties. And the sheet music had the wrong lyrics.
6:43 Conan O'Brien? I can't conjure the song.
6:45 Speaker 05 Okay.
6:45 Conan O'Brien? I can't conjure the song.
6:46 Speaker 05 I can see a new horizon underneath the blazing sky.
6:49 Conan O'Brien? Hold on, hold on.
6:49 Speaker 05 They changed the lyrics in the last chorus, that's the power. The lyrics are the same in the first and second, but the last one, he changes it up. But you can't understand what he's saying. I figured it out. I listened to that hundreds of times.
7:00 Conan O'Brien? Well.
7:01 Speaker 05 You cannot figure it out. Everything on the internet is wrong. Everything on the internet is wrong.
7:05 Conan O'Brien? A life well spent. Here we go.
7:06 Speaker 05 No, you gotta get to the end.
7:08 Conan O'Brien? We're gonna listen to this part first. Okay, this is, I remember this.
7:11 Speaker 05 The first note is upcut. Famous production error.
7:14 Conan O'Brien? I think the year was 1985, I'm in the theater.
7:17 Speaker 05 Yeah, I just said that.
7:18 Conan O'Brien? Settle down.
7:19 Speaker 05 Thanks for.
7:19 Conan O'Brien? You're kind of revving.
7:22 Conan O'Brien? Oh, listen to those drums, those are terrible.
7:24 Speaker 05 This driving, this driving beat, that was David Foster's signature. Night Ranger, secret of my success.
7:32 Conan O'Brien? Wait, why are we listening?
7:33 Speaker 05 I told you to get to the end.
7:35 Conan O'Brien? You like this song?
7:36 Speaker 05 This song is fantastic. This song gets the blood pumping. What are you talking about? Don't you hear that driving beat? It's like four on the floor, but you hear the hi-hat work? And it's that ostinato. You may think that, oh, it's repetitive, the drumbeat. I say ostinato, the Italian concept of persistence. That is a great musical technique.
7:53 Conan O'Brien? All right, we just got canceled. But they just let me know.
7:56 Speaker 05 Have you heard the end of Aerosmith's What It Takes? Where he's like, let it go, let it go? That's ostinato. They cut that off for the single releases of this song.
8:02 Conan O'Brien? I'm gonna ask you to do me a favor, Jordan. When I hold up my hand like this, you're gonna have to stop talking. Because otherwise, you just wash over me and you're a little out of control right now. We had a nice conversation going, and then you brought up this song, Man in Motion, the theme song for St. Elmo's Fire, uh, which is a bullshit song. And then you.
8:20 Speaker 05 I want you to tell me what he's saying in the last chorus. Don't try to deflect, pivot, or otherwise change the subject. Don't slowly fade out the music.
8:27 Conan O'Brien? I don't care what he's saying in the last.
8:28 Speaker 05 Don't slowly fade out the music after we heard the inconsequential introduction based on the contents of this conversation.
8:32 Conan O'Brien? Oh, you say a great.
8:34 Speaker 05 Listen to the last chorus and tell me what he's saying.
8:36 Conan O'Brien? You're saying that a great song has an inconsequential opening?
8:39 Speaker 05 To the purposes of this conversation.
8:41 Conan O'Brien? A great song, by definition, has a great beginning.
8:43 Speaker 05 How's your hearing?
8:45 Conan O'Brien? My hearing is perfect.
8:46 Speaker 05 Listen to the last chorus and tell me what he's saying.
8:48 Conan O'Brien? Oh.
8:48 Speaker 05 Or Google it. Take as much time as you need.
8:50 Conan O'Brien? Oh.
8:50 Speaker 05 Tell me what he's saying.
8:51 Conan O'Brien? I forgot that the universal sign of good hearing is being able to determine and remember the lyrics to Man in Motion.
8:58 Speaker 05 Resources you have at your disposal as an A-list celebrity to tell me the lyrics to the last chorus.
9:02 Conan O'Brien? Hey, you think I'm an A-lister?
9:03 Speaker 05 Tell me the lyrics to the last chorus.
9:05 Conan O'Brien? Listen, here we go.
9:09 Conan O'Brien? St. Louis Fire. I can climb the highest mountain. I can cross the Wild Sea.
9:15 Speaker 05 This is easy. This is kids' play.
9:16 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
9:16 Speaker 05 Last chorus, it starts with, "I could hear the music playing."
9:21 Conan O'Brien? There he just yelled. I think he dropped some.
9:25 Speaker 05 It's, you missed the last chorus.
9:27 Conan O'Brien? Okay.
9:27 Speaker 05 Because you-
9:27 Conan O'Brien? Stop, because I don't care. Tell me what the last lyric, uh, stop.
9:30 Speaker 05 No, I'm not gonna, I'm not going to tell you. My hard work, you're not gonna benefit after ridiculing me. You're not gonna benefit from my hard listening work.
9:37 Conan O'Brien? Jordan.
9:37 Speaker 05 What I'm saying is, also, there are, there are many lyrics for which no matter how many resources you have at your disposal, short of contacting John Parr, by the way, who's a philanthropist, a British philanthropist, uh-
9:47 Conan O'Brien? Uh-huh.
9:47 Speaker 05 You will not be able to determine these lyrics. Uh, Ice House is Electric Blue.
9:50 Conan O'Brien? He's a philanthropist, but he can't give his music away.
9:56 Conan O'Brien? Look at that face. Oh, man. You got served, owned. Jordan, uh, you're a terrible person, and our time away from each other has been a salve for my tattered soul. Um, we're together again because the public demands it. We have our own show, and you completely commandeered it right up top to make us listen, uh, to that piece of mid-eighties crap.
10:17 Speaker 05 What's the power balance on this show? If, if it is, in fact, ours?
10:21 Conan O'Brien? Well, let's take a look at the order of the names.
10:23 Speaker 05 Okay.
10:23 Conan O'Brien? The Conan and Jordan Show. Huh.
10:25 Speaker 05 And the, the size of the font is also, uh-
10:28 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, Big Conan and then sort of Little Scripted Jordan. I think you understand what the power balance is here. Um, you're here because I allow you to be here. You live because I allow you to live. Uh, and maybe you're just a, someone that I imagined, and you think you have a life, but the minute I stop thinking about you, you'll disappear.
10:45 Speaker 05 Fascinating.
10:46 Conan O'Brien? So, let's talk. Man in Motion. I do encourage the listeners to try and discern, uh, the last part of the song, because that's- An important use of everyone's time.
10:56 Speaker 05 What will the listener take with them after listening to this radio program? They will take with them newfound knowledge, although you didn't allow the knowledge to be revealed, newfound knowledge of a great mystery of the internet.
11:08 Conan O'Brien? I think what people will take from this is a newfound hatred for you.
11:12 Speaker 05 If you ever have-
11:13 Conan O'Brien? They hated you before, but now they're gonna go look. Before it was if I cross paths with Jordan, I'll smash his face. Now it's gonna be I've got to find out where that fucker is. And I need to take him out at the knees. That's what's gonna be now.
11:26 Speaker 05 If you ever have Eddie Vedder on your show, I trust you will ask him what he's chanting at the beginning of WMA.
11:33 Conan O'Brien? Be the first thing out of my mouth.
11:34 Speaker 05 Okay.
11:35 Conan O'Brien? Okay? I promise it. I'll write it on my hand.
11:37 Speaker 05 Yeah.
11:37 Conan O'Brien? All right? Swear to God.
11:39 Speaker 05 Go ahead.
11:40 Conan O'Brien? Usually it's how are you?
11:41 Speaker 05 Yeah.
11:42 Conan O'Brien? I like to try and ease into it.
11:43 Speaker 05 Yeah, I understand. That makes people feel comfortable.
11:46 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, that's all. That's my technique, but as a robot, you wouldn't know that. You have your own techniques. Jordan, this is what we have to do. We have to do a quick commercial. The sponsor now is Lady Crackers.
11:57 Speaker 05 Oh, yes.
11:57 Conan O'Brien? Why don't you just give an ad for Lady Crackers right now and just make it up as you go?
12:01 Speaker 05 Lady Crackers Los Angeles Olive Oil and Sea Salt. Now, you're gonna often find lesser quality oils used in many products, things like soybean oil. These are industrial oils. Then you'll find seed oils, sunflower, safflower. Rarely do you find a brand that's willing to go to the expense of providing a premium oil. Because frankly, most consumers don't understand what they're putting in their body. They shovel food in, they don't understand the quality of said food. Now you have a product that is using olive oil, one of the finest oils on earth.
12:29 Conan O'Brien? Can I just confirm? Can I confirm? Hold on a second. Can I confirm Frank? He had no idea what I was gonna hand him.
12:34 Speaker 05 No idea?
12:35 Conan O'Brien? This is not written?
12:36 Speaker 05 There's no copy?
12:37 Conan O'Brien? There's no copy? This is absolut- What are you doing? How are you able to do that?
12:42 Speaker 05 Well, the first thing I look for a product made with olive oil and lack of seed oils or processed oils like canola, which is also called rape seed, which people perceive because it has a high monounsaturated fat content.
12:53 Conan O'Brien? Did you say grape seed?
12:54 Speaker 05 Rape seed.
12:55 Conan O'Brien? What? Don't talk that way on this program. What are you talking about? That's awful.
13:00 Speaker 05 That's a piece of flora. Nevertheless, I look for products that don't use processed or seed oils. I like certain kinds of fats. I like olive oil, butter, uh, or ghee. Coconut oil is fine.
13:12 Conan O'Brien? Let's get back to, you know, the sponsor's gonna wanna hear their product name and a little more about the product rather than a list of every oil that exists.
13:19 Speaker 05 Yeah, Lady Crackers Los Angeles, olive oil and sea salt premium, very few ingredients, which is always a good thing.
13:25 Conan O'Brien? Would you like to taste one? Why don't you open it up and taste one?
13:26 Speaker 05 Uh, it's okay.
13:27 Conan O'Brien? Please.
13:28 Speaker 05 I, uh...
13:28 Conan O'Brien? Oh, could you please?
13:29 Speaker 05 I typically try to avoid...
13:31 Conan O'Brien? Would you please? Yeah. It's okay. Would you please? Avoid, please.
13:35 Speaker 05 Yeah.
13:35 Conan O'Brien? Just open it.
13:36 Speaker 05 When I open a box like this, I don't, I like to keep these three tabs intact, okay? Sometimes it's a challenge.
13:42 Conan O'Brien? That's great.
13:42 Speaker 05 I have to look, I believe that we're defined by what surrounds us aesthetically every day. I like a beautiful looking box to surround me, a box that, I could picture you, especially if we're producing a program like this, ripping this thing open.
13:53 Conan O'Brien? I would tear that, I would just tear it apart.
13:54 Speaker 05 Yeah, like a gorilla. But, uh, I like to, uh... Put it in your mouth, please. Yeah. Put it in your mouth. Right.
14:00 Conan O'Brien? Just have the cracker, please.
14:01 Speaker 05 Yeah, I understand.
14:07 Speaker 05 Yeah, well, uh...
14:08 Conan O'Brien? What do you think?
14:10 Speaker 05 Not overly salted, that's a good thing, you know?
14:12 Conan O'Brien? Right, sometimes they put too much salt on.
14:13 Speaker 05 I mean, they put too much salt, oh, 340 milligrams? That's a little high per serving. I don't know how you define a serving size, one ounce?
14:19 Conan O'Brien? That's the sponsor, Jordan, so just try and be positive about it.
14:23 Speaker 05 Is that to say that it's a perfect product? Uh, who am I to, who am I to assess?
14:27 Conan O'Brien? This is the worst ad ever. You can't just crunch it and say it's not perfect.
14:31 Speaker 05 What I'm saying is, I, I see a lot of, if you're looking for a cracker, if I were looking for a cracker, if I found myself, a lot of people look for crackers in their daily lives.
14:39 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
14:39 Speaker 05 They feel like they want a cracker. If I wanted a cracker, I would certainly go for Lady and Larder.
14:44 Conan O'Brien? That's a fine pitch. I'm gonna do you one better. Lady and Larder, I want a cracker at night, and I want one with a clean crunch. Mmm, that gives you that Lady and Larder crackle, the munch crunch that makes you happy a whole bunch. That's why I like Lady and Larder. Lady and Larder, tear that box open, rip them tabs, and slam that cracker down your puss. And remember, if any crumbs go astray, use your tongue, get it outside your face, and lick 'em up! Keep that tongue outside your head, it's a good way to get those crumbs. Lady and Larder, now with more of the good stuff that you love. Get it now! What do you think? Good ad?
15:29 Speaker 05 Well, you know, we have different approaches.
15:31 Conan O'Brien? Yeah. You talked in a very depressed way for a while. And then said, seems like kind of a high sodium content.
15:38 Speaker 05 In the end, we both appreciate lady crackers for different reasons.
15:43 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
15:43 Speaker 05 You like the clean crunch. I like the lack of over reliance on processed industrial oils.
15:48 Conan O'Brien? It's the clean crunch that gives you a munch, and I love it a bunch.
15:54 Conan O'Brien? See the way it rhymes?
15:54 Speaker 05 Yeah.
15:55 Conan O'Brien? People love that in an ad. They're not gonna remember your sodium content quip. But they're gonna remember mine.
16:02 Conan O'Brien? Do you have an idea for a jingle for this? Do you wanna sing a little song about?
16:04 Speaker 05 Yeah, the company asked us to sing a jingle. Can you please do the jingle? I'm not one to sing. But I could tell you, I wrote a jingle for Guinness Beer once. I entered a contest in 1996.
16:17 Conan O'Brien? Oh, let's hear it.
16:17 Speaker 05 And I believe I should have won.
16:18 Conan O'Brien? Okay, let's hear it.
16:19 Speaker 05 They may have this regularly. You had to write a limerick. You're familiar with a limerick?
16:22 Conan O'Brien? Oh, that's racist, but sure. Yeah, and I have, I live with a leprechaun.
16:27 Speaker 05 Okay.
16:27 Conan O'Brien? And I just ate a four-leaf clover for lunch.
16:29 Speaker 05 A limerick is a written work that follows a very specific syntax and rhyming structure. Okay, five lines, one, two, and five rhyme, and then three and four rhyme.
16:38 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
16:39 Speaker 05 Guinness had a contest, come up with a limerick. And the winner will get, maybe it was a trip to Ireland or something like this. So in 1996, I sent in a limerick, which I have to believe would have run.
16:48 Conan O'Brien? Do you remember it?
16:49 Speaker 05 Yeah, I absolutely remember it.
16:50 Conan O'Brien? I can't wait to hear it.
16:51 Speaker 05 And I'm, and the fact that it didn't win tells me that either they lost the mail or someone didn't, the right person didn't look at it.
16:58 Conan O'Brien? Right. What's the limerick?
17:00 Speaker 05 Okay, here's the limerick about Guinness Beer. Across ire, a young traveler set out on a quest to find fortune, no doubt. As he strolled into Ennis, he was pulled a cold Guinness, hence the lad's pot of gold was that stout.
17:15 Conan O'Brien? You know what? That's good.
17:16 Speaker 05 Yeah, that is good.
17:17 Conan O'Brien? That's very good.
17:17 Speaker 05 Yeah, I spent a long time on it.
17:19 Conan O'Brien? Oh, I hope you didn't spend too long on it, but...
17:21 Speaker 05 Well, I wanna know what was better than that. I'd like to know Guinness, in 1996, what was a better limerick than that to promote your product? I got no acknowledgement.
17:29 Conan O'Brien? There was an old man from Antucket
17:33 Conan O'Brien? who wanted his young friend to suck it. He said, Guinness, I said, I didn't mean your head. And then the guy kicked the bucket. I just made that up.
17:42 Speaker 05 That's pretty good.
17:44 Conan O'Brien? And you know what? I spent no time on it.
17:46 Speaker 05 Yeah.
17:47 Conan O'Brien? And it's got something dirty in it, so everyone's gonna remember it.
17:50 Speaker 05 Yeah, I feel mine is superior.
17:52 Conan O'Brien? Okay, but the point is, uh, don't, you're still bitter that you lost that Guinness contest? What was the prize?
18:00 Speaker 05 I believe it was a trip to Ireland. I can't confirm.
18:02 Conan O'Brien? Wow, some prize.
18:03 Speaker 05 I don't drink beer myself.
18:04 Conan O'Brien? My family fled that place.
18:08 Conan O'Brien? Let's get out of here! There's nothing to eat!
18:13 Speaker 05 You referring to the potato famine?
18:15 Conan O'Brien? No. My people fled in 1982.
18:20 Conan O'Brien? The line at Burger King was too long. We gotta get out of here! Let's get to Brookline, Mass! They flew over on Aer Lingus.
18:31 Conan O'Brien? Aer Lingus, that'd be a funny allumric. Also dirty. Hey, listen, uh, I thought you did a good job with the ad, overall.
18:38 Speaker 05 Thanks. This land?
18:39 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
18:39 Speaker 05 Okay.
18:40 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, you did a fine job. Um, we're gonna take a little break. When we return, Jordan and I will have a deep philosophical discussion. Don't touch that dial.
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19:18 Speaker 00 What do I gift my mom and nieces?
19:19 Speaker 01 Walmart has top brands you know, like Ninja, Disney, Lego.
19:26 Speaker 00 Oh, Dad loves music.
19:27 Speaker 01 Sonos can bring his songs to life with sound that hits just right.
19:34 Speaker 00 And my coffee-obsessed bestie?
19:35 Speaker 01 The Longy Brews Coffee, right for mornings extra bright.
19:39 Speaker 00 All those great brands at Walmart? Who knew?
19:41 Speaker 01 We knew, no you do too.
19:44 Speaker 02 Shop gifts no love at Walmart.
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20:24 Conan O'Brien? All right, I'm gonna move on to our next segment. Conan and Jordan discuss a philosophical question. Frank, why don't you tell us what you had in mind here?
20:31 Speaker 06 So we're gonna have a segment here called Conan and Jordan Have a Philosophical Discussion.
20:36 Speaker 05 Okay.
20:38 Speaker 06 Jordan, if, and Conan, if time travel were possible, would it be ethical?
20:44 Speaker 05 Well, I think we would redefine our ethics and morality to suit the emergence of new technology. I don't, I can't imagine many circumstances in human history where ethics have stopped the progress of technology, unfortunately. A lot of times conflicts are justification to develop technology. You look at the, you look at nuclear technology, both fission and fusion. You know, originally, originally fusion, and then later fission. Fusion, of course, you're taking to light elements and joining them. And fission, you're taking a heavy, like a uranium or a plutonium, and you're splitting it.
21:25 Speaker 05 Nevertheless, I can't think of situations where technology never advanced, at least to my knowledge, because of ethics and morality.
21:33 Conan O'Brien? Can I stop you before you get boring? Oh wait, I'd need a time machine for that.
21:43 Conan O'Brien? I'd have to go back nine minutes ago to the start of your day.
21:51 Conan O'Brien? Blammo! You just got blammoed. My question would be, is sports betting allowed? If sports betting allowed, then definitely, let's have that, let's go back in time. I could clean up. Then you make a lot of money, then you go back further in time. When land is really cheap, you go to Long Island, and you say, hey there, 1680 farmer, what do you want for these nine acres on the ocean? These nine acres, why, I would wish to have, uh, six dollars. Six dollars, eh? Here's 16 dollars. Well, thank you. Yep, that's what you would do.
22:28 Speaker 05 Would you go backwards or forwards? If you had one shot, you'd go backwards and what would you witness first? If you can only witness what?
22:33 Conan O'Brien? I'd go to Ford's Theater, and I'd say, hey Abe! Behind ya! I'd save Abraham Lincoln's life.
22:39 Speaker 05 But if you are just an observer and had no ability to change anything, and you can witness one event, so you could pick the time and place, and you can go back, would that be it? I mean, just as an intellectual curiosity.
22:50 Conan O'Brien? I would go back in time.
22:51 Speaker 05 You would go back to the assassination of Lincoln? Would you go back, because Lincoln, there's one mystery.
22:55 Conan O'Brien? I don't want to have just one, I want to see anything.
22:57 Speaker 05 If you had one, or two, like, would you go to like the Kennedy assassination to uncover the mystery? Or would you go to something where there's certainty? Or would you go back to the Jurassic period and, and, and look at a dinosaur?
23:10 Conan O'Brien? Eh, I've seen Jurassic Park, and I think they probably got it right. So I don't need to see that.
23:15 Speaker 05 So would it be the Lincoln assassination?
23:16 Conan O'Brien? And I wouldn't go to the Roman times, because I saw Gladiator, and I think that's a good. I think most movies have pretty accurately depicted what those times were like. And I think if I go back in time, it's gonna look like that only a little dirtier. Like, people's togas will be dirty. And I'll be like, ah, this sort of sucks. So I don't want to see that.
23:31 Speaker 05 Yeah.
23:32 Conan O'Brien? So, um, nah, I don't want to see that stuff. I really just want to go to Ford's Theater and go, hey Abe, heads up! Because you know what, I'll tell you this, Abe Lincoln was 6'4", my height, and a strong backwoodsman, he would have turned around. Booth was a relatively small guy and an actor. I've interviewed enough of them to know that they're pretty easy to take in a fight. So I, he would just clean Booth's clock, that would be fun. Abe would just be wailing on Booth.
24:00 Speaker 05 And then it would just turn into another failed assassination attempt, which there are many throughout American and world history and and wouldn't be as consequential as it was today. And and in the end, you wouldn't have witnessed a momentous occasion. You would have just witnessed a
24:14 Conan O'Brien? I would have witnessed. I would have witnessed the ultimate beat down. Abe Lincoln kicks the shit out of some little actor. Takes his Derringer away and kicks the shit out of him and then throws him off the balcony. And then all the actors that are starring in the play, our American cousin starring Laura Keen, they all start kicking Booth.
24:32 Speaker 05 You see, you have me inside you. You know, sometimes you'll give me a straight answer and you have the facts as well. What you ridicule me for is really a reflection of yourself.
24:40 Conan O'Brien? Did you just say that I've had you inside me?
24:43 Speaker 05 You have me inside you now.
24:44 Conan O'Brien? Stop. Don't ever say that again. Don't ever say that again. I don't want you inside me.
24:48 Speaker 05 What you see and you detest in me lives inside you. That's why you detest it with such ferocity.
24:53 Conan O'Brien? Don't ever say that again. Don't ever, ever say I'm inside you again.
24:56 Speaker 05 I'm a part of you and you're a part of me. I've seen you at your best. I've seen you at your worst.
25:01 Conan O'Brien? Wait, we're inside.
25:01 Speaker 05 We have an incredibly intimate relationship that you don't acknowledge.
25:05 Conan O'Brien? If we're inside each other, then it is intimate.
25:07 Speaker 05 Yeah.
25:07 Conan O'Brien? And that's hard to do, too. Think of the geometry of that one.
25:14 Speaker 06 He he mentioned where he would go if he could time travel. Jordan.
25:18 Speaker 05 Yeah.
25:19 Speaker 06 Where would you go?
25:19 Speaker 05 Oh, yeah, this is fascinating. This is a legitimate question.
25:23 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
25:23 Speaker 05 Uh, you know, I, uh, gosh, I was assuming one shot, one chance. I mean, the question is future or past, right? Because future is like unwritten. Where do you even go? Do you go 10 years? Do you go 1,000 years?
25:33 Conan O'Brien? I'm not in that takeaway future. I'm just gonna say past.
25:35 Speaker 05 Oh, past. Um, yeah, well, you know, I would want to witness something. Uh, I probably, like you, wouldn't necessarily want to solve any mystery as much as just witness something.
25:47 Speaker 05 I might go back and witness dinosaurs if I could assure my own safety and and you'd have to be in the right place at the right time. So you really have to educate yourself.
25:54 Conan O'Brien? So we have to talk to the dinosaurs first and say, leave that guy alone over there?
25:58 Speaker 05 I don't want to be killed by a dinosaur. I just want to witness them.
26:01 Conan O'Brien? Well, it's gonna be a problem. If you go back there, you have to take that into account.
26:04 Speaker 05 Yes, I do have to take it into account.
26:04 Conan O'Brien? There's a good chance. I mean, if I, and I could see you being very irritating to a brontosaurus. I could see a brontosaurus being like, fuck, I just fucking hate that guy.
26:15 Speaker 05 It's a brontosaurus.
26:17 Conan O'Brien? Oh, it is not. Now you're just saying.
26:18 Speaker 05 Saudis, of course, the Latin for lizard.
26:20 Conan O'Brien? You're just saying shit. It's not brontosaurus.
26:22 Speaker 05 Quetzalcoatlus.
26:24 Conan O'Brien? What?
26:25 Speaker 05 You familiar with Quetzalcoatlus, the flying dinosaur? There was like a 1982 or 1983 horror movie called Q. Q stood for Quetzalcoatlus, or they called it Quetzalquatl. But the actual scientific name is Quetzalcoatlus.
26:35 Conan O'Brien? Quetzalquatl was a Mexican god, I believe.
26:37 Speaker 05 You know the 1980s?
26:38 Conan O'Brien? Just talk over me, that's fine.
26:40 Speaker 05 No, Quetzalcoatl, if he was a Mexican god, he must have been named after Quetzalcoatlus.
26:45 Conan O'Brien? Say how you pronounce Brontosaurus again.
26:47 Speaker 05 Brontosaurus.
26:48 Conan O'Brien? Okay, you need to be hit, I'm not gonna say with steel rods, cuz that's, but with a denser wood. Like a wood, but it's a dense wood, like a mahogany. You need to be hit with mahogany.
27:01 Speaker 05 Okay.
27:01 Conan O'Brien? Because no one says that. Um, even a Brontosaurus, if it just heard that, would put both of its giant paws in front of its eyes. And just be like, oh my god, what a dick. No, it's not, how do you say pterodactyl?
27:17 Speaker 05 Uh, pterodactyl.
27:19 Conan O'Brien? Why do you say these things like Dracula?
27:22 Speaker 05 I'm just looking at the root of the word. I understand that these words have Latin roots, and I look at the root of the word and I use it properly. I'm not one of those people that says alum, or haphazardly throws out the word alumni improperly.
27:34 Conan O'Brien? And what do you say?
27:35 Speaker 05 Well, if I'm talking about a man, it's alumnus. And if I'm talking about, okay, we'll see.
27:39 Conan O'Brien? So I went to a.
27:40 Speaker 05 You're talking about a man, you got an alumnus, a woman is an alumna, right? Two men or a mixed group is like alumni, and two women or multiple women is alumne. And the word alum is not based in any reality. Conventional wisdom says now, if you're using it to express gender neutrality in a modern way, that's fine. But you have to know all the rules before you break them. That's what Air Supply said in Making Love Out of Nothing at All. I know all the rules, I know how to break them. Written by Jim Steiman, who of course was an author, famous songwriter. He would act through his muses. He couldn't sing himself, Jim Steiman, so he got Meatloaf, he got Celine Dion, he even got Air Supply, who I believe Max Weinberg played with, uh, Air Supply in 1986.
28:15 Conan O'Brien? Do me a favor, go back and visit, go visit the dinosaurs. That's my request. Go back and visit the dinosaurs and just sort of stand around and see what happens, okay? And if you get stomped or crushed, that's just what happens.
28:28 Speaker 05 You're an alumnus of Harvard University, okay?
28:31 Conan O'Brien? No, I'm an alumnus of Harvard University.
28:36 Conan O'Brien? We're gonna say it correctly or not?
28:40 Speaker 05 I don't know what that was.
28:42 Conan O'Brien? Alband. In your ass. If you're gonna say it, just say it.
28:49 Speaker 05 You know, you gave a great speech at Dartmouth College.
28:52 Conan O'Brien? Nope, I gave a great speech. It Dartmouth. Kalish.
29:00 Speaker 05 And you may remember the success of your speech, but I remember some of the events that happened surrounding that. There were dinners.
29:06 Conan O'Brien? You came with me when I gave.
29:07 Speaker 05 Yes, there were dinners with alumni of that school who have gone on to achieve greatness. Captains of industry, CEOs of major company, who I hold on customer service with for 45 minutes, were coming up and giving me their business card and all these people respected and revered you. They wanted to talk to you. They wanted to meet you because absent the ability to intimately know somebody, people use certain classicative data to assess you as a person. They know what your education is. They know some of the facts that you know. I know you on an intimate level. I know what they don't know. So while these captains of industry were coming up and respecting you and talking to you and they had their tweed jackets and you probably had some tweed jacket as well, because that's the role you play when you go to an Ivy League school.
29:49 Conan O'Brien? I also had a falcon on my shoulder.
29:51 Speaker 05 Yeah, so they're coming up and talking to you. I know the real you. I know that you're an animal. I know that you're you're eating hot dogs, you're eating Big Macs in your spare time and then you get all dressed up and cleaned up and you talk intelligently to these academics. But I know the real you behind the curtain. That's all I'm saying.
30:06 Conan O'Brien? Well, if an animal is someone who eats fast food, then call me an animal and call most Americans an animal. I love the United States of America. I really do love this country. And for you to attack it that way, I think is not just scandalous, but treasonous.
30:22 Speaker 05 You're so you're thinking in your head as they're talking to you, you're thinking, yes, they respect me. Yes, I am respectable and sophisticated. And then you go home and you shove your face with your crackers or what your crackers of different seed oils.
30:38 Conan O'Brien? You just lost it. You lost it. The wheels just came off the trolley. The wheels just came off the trolley. Look at him spiraling.
30:46 Speaker 05 Eating rits in your hotel room at Dartmouth.
30:49 Conan O'Brien? You're spiraling.
30:50 Speaker 05 Weeping in the corner in your tighty-whities. AI, I just gave this speech. These people respected me. I'm an academic. I'm wearing this tweed jacket. I know you're an animal.
30:58 Conan O'Brien? You're.
30:59 Speaker 05 You're whimpering in the corner, eating rits.
31:01 Conan O'Brien? We're ending it here. You know what? You've had, you've had a complete breakdown today. And I can tell always because you get a fiendish look on your eyes. Your eyes arch up. You start to smile.
31:10 Speaker 05 That's the face I have.
31:11 Conan O'Brien? No, no, no, no, no.
31:12 Speaker 05 You're talking about my physical condition.
31:14 Conan O'Brien? You, uh, and then you lost your mind. You started spiraling on the word cracker. And, uh, you lost it. You flamed out. And now a bunch of men are rushing up to you and pouring foam over you so that you, uh, don't burn to death. Jordan, uh, this was a great episode. It was a great episode because you came out of the gate hot and then you ended up in this spectacular explosion. Uh, I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for anyone who's in your life. But I also love you. And when I say I love you, I'm lying. It's just not true. Anyway, this has been, uh, episode two of the Conan and Jordan Show. I think one of the most fascinating shows, uh, in the history of any medium. Uh, it's unrehearsed. We never know what we're going to talk about.
31:59 Conan O'Brien? And, uh, we just, uh, we just play with this spinning top that is Jordan Schlansky.
32:05 Speaker 05 Medium comes from the Latin medium, the singular. Uh, media or media being the plural.
32:26 Speaker 00 What do I gift my mom and nieces?
32:35 Speaker 00 Oh, Dad loves music.
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32:53 Speaker 02 Shop gifts no love at Walmart.
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