Pod Insights Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend The Conan and Jordan Show – Beet Red Face About this episode On this episode of “The Conan and Jordan Show”, Conan examines Jordan’s fondness for junk foods like sugary cereals before they argue about each other’s physical appearance.
Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
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1:29 Conan O'Brien? All right. It's time for an episode of the Conan and Jordan Show. Of course, we just heard Rush.
1:37 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
1:37 Conan O'Brien? And that's one of your favorite bands, if not your favorite band of all time.
1:40 Speaker 02 You hear the growl of that Moog synthesizer, indicative of early 80s synthesizers? No, it's actually Moog. It's a Dutch name. It's actually pronounced moog, if you really want to be accurate.
1:49 Conan O'Brien? All right.
1:50 Speaker 02 And Moog himself...
1:51 Conan O'Brien? Hey, do me a favor. Just a quick favor. There's a little slice there of "Go Fuck Yourself" pie. Would you have just a little taste right there?
1:57 Speaker 02 I know a lot of people equate synthesizers with the late 80s sound. That is to say, bright and blaring. I'm talking specifically about 86, 87, and 88, the most horrible, arguably, year. But when you talk about early 80s, there's more of a buzzy synthesizer sound.
2:11 Conan O'Brien? You came out of the gate so hot, so fast, that we're in danger of scaring off the listener, even big fans of yours. So just take it easy, take a breath, and let me introduce people to the concept. Of Conan and Jordan having a show together. I'm constantly stopped in the streets by people who say, you have that, that crazy Jordan character, is he real? And I say, yes, he's absolutely real. And we thought, what better way to delight the Sirius XM listener? Then by capturing some of that magic right here in the studio. And that's why you're here, Jordan.
2:43 Speaker 02 Okay, I understand.
2:44 Conan O'Brien? And we play that song up front because you have made it very clear. You love Rush, you love that Tom Sawyer song. And, um, and we're here to learn more about you and maybe learn more about our relationship. How we get along and how we relate to each other. I as human, you as robot from the future.
3:02 Speaker 02 I see.
3:03 Conan O'Brien? Sent here to destroy us.
3:04 Speaker 02 I'm not completely convinced that we have a show. I feel like when most people get a show, there's some kind of feeling of accomplishment. Will I be financially compensated for this?
3:14 Conan O'Brien? We'll talk about that.
3:15 Speaker 02 I haven't been engaged.
3:15 Conan O'Brien? You should, you should just be proud that you're here with Conan O'Brien and that your thoughts are being captured and put out into the atmosphere. I think that's the achievement. Money, what does money do? Money just muddies the waters. It soils the whole, the whole enterprise, don't you believe?
3:35 Speaker 02 I think my artistic services should be adequately compensated.
3:39 Conan O'Brien? Well, first of all, you're calling yourself an artist now?
3:42 Speaker 02 Yes.
3:43 Conan O'Brien? Cause you can babble on about a Moog Munk synthesizer at length?
3:47 Speaker 02 Moch.
3:51 Conan O'Brien? And if you're an artist, what is your medium? You know?
3:54 Speaker 02 A spoken word, clearly.
3:56 Conan O'Brien? Okay, oh, okay, all right. All right. Some work in oils, some, of course, in clay. You work in raw irritation. You're, um, you're a difficult guy to speak to. And yet I overcome,
4:13 Conan O'Brien? I overcome my irritation to be with you today because it clearly does delight people.
4:17 Speaker 02 Okay.
4:18 Conan O'Brien? And that's why we're here. And there's so much to talk about, first of all. When I, um, I won't name the protein bar, but I have a protein bar here and you noticed it and you mistook it for a candy bar at first, but it's just a protein bar.
4:31 Speaker 02 It's covered in chocolate, right?
4:32 Conan O'Brien? Uh, I don't think that's chocolate.
4:34 Speaker 02 That's not chocolate? There's a brown substance coating your candy bar?
4:37 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, I don't even know what that is, but it's not chocolate. It doesn't taste good enough to be chocolate.
4:41 Speaker 02 I'm not aware of any alternatives to chocolate that have that brown appearance.
4:45 Conan O'Brien? Well, I can think of one. But uh, it's called a McShitty, this bar. And um, I enjoy it. I uh, it, it, it gives me that little something I need in the middle of the day. I traditionally only eat two meals a day.
5:00 Speaker 02 It gives you something you need?
5:01 Conan O'Brien? It does, yeah.
5:02 Speaker 02 What type of protein is in that bar? A low quality protein like pea or soy? Or is it like a high quality whey only protein bar?
5:09 Conan O'Brien? I don't want to get into it. That's not what we're here to talk about.
5:11 Speaker 02 What's the balance of protein to carbohydrates to fat? Do you just shove something in your mouth? Because maybe your trainer recommended it? Or did they have it at your gym? I don't understand.
5:20 Speaker 03 Jordan, what do you think what you're doing right now is worth monetarily?
5:23 Conan O'Brien? Yeah. Is this your art right now?
5:25 Speaker 02 What I'm saying is-
5:25 Conan O'Brien? Bullying someone?
5:26 Speaker 02 This is a slow burn. You don't have to go for like rapid fire laughs. We're here, people are driving to work. This is slow and steady.
5:34 Conan O'Brien? Okay, anyone listening to this right now has probably stopped their car along the side of a road. And possibly is thinking of ending it all. So um, don't make any assumptions about what the listener is doing, okay? Uh, I don't know what's in here. Uh, I actually don't have my glasses in studio. Um, here, let me borrow yours Frank. He's look, Frank is letting me borrow his glasses. I can't reveal the name of the bar. Protein Blend Soy Protein Isolate Calcium-
6:00 Speaker 02 Right out of the gate. Genetically modified? Is it genetically modified?
6:04 Conan O'Brien? Well, I am. I've been genetically modified. No one's this funny naturally. Or this good looking. Uh, yeah, it's uh, sodium cacinate. All this stuff that was in the Bible, in the Old Testament. Um, it's alkalized cocoa.
6:22 Speaker 02 Why don't you try like a Rise branded bar? Which is just like a hundred percent whey protein.
6:30 Conan O'Brien? Okay.
6:31 Speaker 02 All right.
6:32 Speaker 03 Here's your money.
6:33 Conan O'Brien? There you go. There's your money for your art that you just practiced by irritating me. You know, this actually leads us nicely into our topic today.
6:42 Speaker 02 Okay.
6:43 Conan O'Brien? Which is I wanted to talk to you about nutrition. Now, one of the things that fascinates me about you, Jordan. Uh, other than your um, complete lack of a heart rate. Uh, or any kind of brain function. What really fascinates me about you is that you um, you embody so many contradictions. I'm fascinated by this strange dichotomy in your diet. You're all about healthy foods. But am I correct? You have a real weakness, fondness for junk foods.
7:16 Speaker 02 Well, there are, like any human being, I'm not impervious to marketing efforts by various large corporations that produce processed food products. I have cravings like anyone else.
7:28 Conan O'Brien? You always talk like you're in a deposition. Have you noticed that? There's not, this is not a deposition. This is a conversation between two friends. Me compensated, you not. I don't understand why you talk that way. So you're saying you like junk food?
7:43 Speaker 02 I'm saying I have certain cravings. I, candy is not a particular craving of mine. I would never eat a bar such as the one you're eating that's covered in a chocolate-like substance that smells like chocolate, looks like chocolate, but according to you, may not be chocolate. I don't have cravings for candy. You know, I'll have like a tiramisu, I'll have a, some ice cream.
8:04 Conan O'Brien? Tiramisu or ice cream does not count. I'm talking about, I think, I remember going through your office and finding boxes of cereal. And, and let's talk about that. You like children's cereals.
8:16 Speaker 02 Well, it's, it's interesting that you bring that up. I would say, once every three to four years, I'll get a craving for some commercial breakfast cereal, okay? And
8:28 Conan O'Brien? Well, okay, when you say "commercial breakfast cereal," specifically, what are you talking about? Give me some brands.
8:32 Speaker 02 Oh, I'm talking about your Kellogg's, General Mills, maybe even a Quaker.
8:36 Conan O'Brien? Those are not, I want specific, you're telling me about companies. I want to know the names of the cereals. Tell me the names of the cereals. Oh, great. Oh, oh, great connoisseur of foods. Tell me what these are.
8:49 Speaker 02 First of all, I do not believe that any breakfast, any breakfast cereal is healthy, okay? Even if they're marketed as such, even if they don't have added sugar. I believe the whole concept of extruding wheat or other grains is indigestible to the body, makes the body work hard. Even supposedly healthy cereal like Cheerios, which is marketed as having whole grains, I don't think is healthy for the human body. That's my own belief. I'm sorry if I get the show in trouble for saying so. Now, now, no, not at all, not at all. And first of all, I'm gonna make it clear, those are your views, not mine. All these cereal companies you mentioned, I'm a big fan of. I love those companies and I'd love to be in business with them. Okay.
9:26 Conan O'Brien? And I'm willing to hawk or market anything that they're selling.
9:29 Speaker 02 Okay.
9:29 Conan O'Brien? I don't care if it's irradiated.
9:31 Speaker 02 Okay.
9:31 Conan O'Brien? I have no soul, but you, but you, Jordan.
9:33 Speaker 02 If I'm going to fall off the wagon.
9:35 Conan O'Brien? Yes.
9:35 Speaker 02 Understanding that, I don't believe any of them are healthy. I'm gonna go for the maximum impact, satiate my cravings so that craving goes away.
9:43 Conan O'Brien? Give me the names.
9:43 Speaker 02 And lie dormant for another three to four years.
9:44 Conan O'Brien? Give me the names.
9:45 Speaker 02 Okay, so while I made some new discoveries recently, but historically, I would say my holy grail, my guilty pleasure would have been like Fruit Loops.
9:52 Conan O'Brien? Fruit Loops.
9:53 Speaker 02 Regarding Fruit Loops, you have an American version of Fruit Loops and you have a British version of Fruit Loops.
9:57 Conan O'Brien? Wait a minute, there's a British version of Fruit Loops?
10:00 Speaker 02 The difference is.
10:01 Conan O'Brien? Hold on, they have a British version of Fruit Loops? First question, is toucan Sam on the box or is it a different bird?
10:06 Speaker 02 No, it is toucan Sam.
10:07 Conan O'Brien? Or is their bird a lady, which is what the Brits refer to as a lady?
10:10 Speaker 02 Who says toucan Sam isn't a lady, Sam is a gender neutral name.
10:14 Conan O'Brien? Very good. I like the way you've evolved. Go ahead.
10:16 Speaker 02 There are certain regulations in the European Union that prohibit the use of artificial colors, for example. So the Fruit Loops in the UK have different colors. They're colored by natural products, turmeric, spinach, things like this.
10:29 Conan O'Brien? What?
10:30 Speaker 02 And sure, the colors are a little more muted than the artificially colored product we get here in the United States, but that's a small price to pay. And furthermore, I found that the Fruit Loops in the United States have a hydrogenated oil and the British ones do not. I've never had the pleasure of consuming the British ones. They're not readily available.
10:47 Conan O'Brien? Why are you shouting?
10:49 Conan O'Brien? Why are you shouting?
10:49 Speaker 02 This is my normal tonality.
10:51 Conan O'Brien? I don't think so.
10:52 Speaker 02 And by the way, we have a man, Eduardo, who can adjust the input level to.
10:56 Conan O'Brien? Now, lower, lower the irritation levels, please.
10:59 Speaker 02 So, okay, I, I would like to try the British Fruit Loops. Nevertheless, Fruit Loops was always my holy grail. And I'll tell you something, not about Fruit Loops, but about Trix, which is a General Mills cereal, okay? So they also have artificial colors here. And a number of years ago, General Mills took the admirable stance and they said, we are going to phase out artificial colors in our cereal. And I said, finally, our country is moving forward. They listen to the consumer, the consumer votes with their dollar, consumer trends show people want healthier. McDonald's offers salads now. So now finally they're getting rid of artificial colors and they did. And of course the colors were now natural, they were a little more muted and the cereal. tasted exactly the same and suddenly there was an angry letter writing campaign by Americans complaining about this change.
11:43 Speaker 02 People saying this is not the cereal I grew up with. I do not want my children having these disgusting colors. And I'm thinking to myself, you're blowing it. You're blowing it. We're finally moving forward as a nation and you're you're you're saying the exact opposite of what you should be saying. People were so disappointed this cereal wasn't as bright as it used to be tasting exactly the same. And you know what General Mills did? They said, sorry, we made a mistake and they put the artificial colors back in and that's regression and I I'm incredibly ashamed of this country's reaction to the naturally colored.
12:11 Conan O'Brien? Well, I love America. I'm a proud citizen of the United States and it's been very good to both myself and my ancestors. So I disagree. Uh, when America makes a decision, I back it 100%. Second of all, you're under this impression that people buy their cereals based on the company that made them. No one goes to the supermarket and says, where's the General Mills aisle?
12:31 Speaker 02 Okay.
12:31 Conan O'Brien? Uh, and where's the Kellogg's aisle?
12:33 Speaker 02 I favor General Mills to Kellogg's.
12:34 Conan O'Brien? No one cares. Just talk about the cereals. I'm telling you, going forward, you know what I mean? No one does that. No one else does that. No one even thinks about who makes these cereals. It's not important. So, your dream would be-
12:49 Speaker 02 The dream was Fruit Loops, okay? But recently I had one of my cravings that I wanted to satisfy and I was in the supermarket. So I went to the cereal aisle and I said, let me just take care of this, nip this in the bud and then it will disappear and I can eat normal unprocessed foods for another three years. So I filled my basket with my Holy Grail Fruit Loops and then I mixed it up a little bit. I also did Golden Grahams, which I was also one that I have liked historically and I went with a Lucky Charms, which is like a wild card guilty pleasure. Another one of those super sugary cereals. And then I went with uh, Quaker Cereal Life. Life is not quite as sweet as some of the other ones.
13:25 Conan O'Brien? And again, we don't need to know the company. Just say life.
13:27 Speaker 02 Okay, Life Cereal. Now, I did some experimenting and I had some revelations about these cereals now as a grown man. Uh, you know, I change as I go through life and my reaction every few years is different than the previous occasion. So I determined that while life, I still enjoy the taste and it's it's lower sugar than the others. Um, there was some digestive instability.
13:51 Conan O'Brien? What?
13:53 Conan O'Brien? Did you get the runs? Did you get the shits?
13:57 Speaker 02 There was some digestive-
13:58 Conan O'Brien? Did you blow a did you blow a gasket south of the border?
14:03 Conan O'Brien? What happened?
14:03 Speaker 02 Sometimes you feel stable in the gastrointestinal tract and sometimes you don't.
14:08 Conan O'Brien? So you had a whatever, you had a six hour make out session?
14:11 Speaker 02 There was no, first of all, I don't want to-
14:13 Conan O'Brien? You had a six hour make out session with your toilet, is that what happened?
14:15 Speaker 02 I don't want to overstate this, there was no violent reaction. I'm, I'm aware of the subtleties of my body. You see, I look deep beneath the surface.
14:21 Conan O'Brien? Subtleties of your body, it sounds like you ate something. I don't know why you're laughing, I'm not laughing, I, I think this is, look at you, you look maniacal.
14:28 Speaker 02 That's my face. Let me tell you something, I don't need, I don't need a violent explosion to tell me something is wrong. I know I can detect subtleties in my body and my own digestion.
14:38 Conan O'Brien? Well, how subtle was it?
14:40 Speaker 02 You may not have even noticed it, but I'm telling you, I felt-
14:42 Conan O'Brien? I mean, I, I'm not sitting, I'm not hanging out-
14:45 Speaker 02 I'm telling you, I look, I study my body, I study the human body.
14:48 Conan O'Brien? Dude, I'm not hanging out by your toilet, checking out-
14:50 Speaker 02 Why do you keep bringing out the to- uh, the toilet?
14:51 Conan O'Brien? Because you said you had it, you said you had-
14:53 Speaker 02 I said there were digestive instabilities.
14:55 Conan O'Brien? Digestive instability usually means one thing.
14:57 Speaker 02 For you it does, because you're a man of extremes, okay? So you hear this and you imagine, you imagine a man on a toilet bowl, you know, beet red face, sweat flying off his body.
15:06 Conan O'Brien? What are you talking about? What are you talking about?
15:09 Speaker 02 What I'm telling you is, do you need to know this particulars? Isn't the fact that there's digestive instability already a red flag to stay away from Life cereal? Again, no, no offense to the Quaker Oats company, this was only my personal-
15:20 Conan O'Brien? Stop mentioning the companies!
15:21 Speaker 02 This is my own personal reaction and I don't know-
15:22 Conan O'Brien? Don't mention the companies, I do a lot of business out there.
15:25 Speaker 02 What I'm saying-
15:25 Conan O'Brien? I am a very business friendly comic.
15:28 Speaker 02 What I'm saying is, I prize my gastrointestinal stability. I like to, I like to have certain conditions, I like to be, I like to feel empty, light, okay? Light on my feet, I don't want to be bloated, I don't want excess bulk, I just want to be empty.
15:43 Conan O'Brien? You don't want to be running to the toilet at three in the morning.
15:45 Speaker 02 Listen to me.
15:46 Conan O'Brien? Does the toilet scream when it sees you coming?
15:49 Speaker 02 There's a pressure, it's a subtle pressure. Okay, you feel a pressure in your bowel.
15:54 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
15:54 Speaker 02 Uh, sometimes, and it's very subtle, okay?
15:57 Conan O'Brien? Well, it's not that subtle.
15:58 Speaker 02 So the problem is, when you have, when you have this pressure, it desensitizes the bowel to what normal pressure should feel like. Anyway, regardless, let's move on from that, so I eliminated life.
16:07 Conan O'Brien? So that's your, uh, critics, food critics, uh, that's your food-
16:14 Conan O'Brien? Your food critics report on Life cereal.
16:16 Speaker 02 In my case, there was some digestive instability.
16:18 Conan O'Brien? A heaviness in the bowel.
16:20 Speaker 02 An unstable subtle pressure. Okay, so I rejected Life cereal from the running, although I did enjoy the taste. And there are some people that may be completely stable. I can't speak for your own experience.
16:34 Conan O'Brien? Right.
16:34 Speaker 02 Okay, so I put Life aside. Now, Fruit Loops was not as great as I remembered it. In the end, I found it monotonous, the Fruit Loops. It was a one tone. And what really surprised me was Fruit was Lucky Charms. Let me talk a little bit about Lucky.
16:46 Conan O'Brien? I'm a fan of Lucky Charms.
16:49 Speaker 02 Okay, well.
16:49 Conan O'Brien? There was a time when I was a child when I thought, well, maybe this is a misrepresentation of the Irish people. But I came to embrace it. Uh, and I love Lucky Charms.
16:58 Speaker 02 Here's my take on Lucky Charms, okay? First of all, I removed half the marshmallows. I found that there are too many marshmallows as a stock in the manufacturer.
17:05 Conan O'Brien? No, no, no!
17:05 Speaker 02 There's too many of a good thing.
17:07 Conan O'Brien? The marshmallows are like the best part.
17:09 Speaker 02 I'm not saying they're not. I'm saying less is more.
17:11 Conan O'Brien? They actually, I think there's been a movement to have them make a Lucky Charms that's only the marshmallows, and I would be behind that.
17:16 Speaker 02 Okay.
17:16 Conan O'Brien? Because the other part of Lucky Charms is just a conventional.
17:20 Speaker 02 Well, it's funny you bring that up, and I made a discovery. Now, they are made with General Mills, and I recognize that.
17:24 Conan O'Brien? Stop mentioning the names of the companies!
17:27 Speaker 02 I recognize that the flavor of the non-marshmallow part was very familiar to me. And then I realized they're Cheerios, they're honey nut Cheerios. They are sweetened Cheerios plus marshmallows, same company, same ingredients of the non-marshmallow portion.
17:42 Conan O'Brien? You just, you know what I'm saying is? You just blew the lid off this thing.
17:46 Speaker 02 Because I did. And if you remove half of the marshmallows and you eat Lucky Charms, you're eating Cheerios, sweetened Cheerios, plus some extra bonus marshmallows. Yeah, there they are.
17:55 Conan O'Brien? Here we go.
17:55 Speaker 02 Lucky Charms.
17:56 Conan O'Brien? All right, here's Lucky Charms, and they've got all of course.
17:58 Speaker 02 Take out half the marshmallows.
17:59 Conan O'Brien? No, don't take out half the marshmallows! I love the marshmallows!
18:03 Speaker 02 You can have half of my marshmallows.
18:04 Conan O'Brien? Well, okay, we should share an apartment then. Because then I could get all the marshmallows and you could just eat whatever this other... I mean, basically, that's a packing material they put in there. You know that Amazon uses this as their packing material when they ship? I love the marshmallows and I also love, when I was a kid, they just had, these just were monochromatic. It was just an all yellow or an all gold. Now they have different faded colors. They've spray painted each marshmallow individually.
18:32 Speaker 02 You're encouraging this use of artificial colors as those people that wrote those letters to General Mills did.
18:37 Conan O'Brien? It tastes really good, this stuff. I think, I think, I think you were right. I'm gonna say this, I don't agree with you on much and I think a lot of what you've said is pure idiocy and lunacy, but your choices are correct, oddly enough. Fruit Loops are superior and Lucky Charms are superior. They're both quite ferals.
18:55 Speaker 02 Uh, see, I told you I was disappointed by Fruit Loops.
18:57 Conan O'Brien? And I'm now, I'm just eating the marshmallows and you know what? I'm in heaven.
19:00 Speaker 02 Yeah. I actually feel wasteful when I throw away half my marshmallows. It's good to know that you would have appreciated them.
19:06 Conan O'Brien? Don't, don't. Can you save them for me? Can you save them for me?
19:09 Speaker 02 You know, you can buy your own marshmallows. There's, it's ridiculous to suggest that I would save them and transport them to you.
19:14 Conan O'Brien? You want some Fruit Loops? Yeah, let me try the Fruit Loops.
19:16 Speaker 02 Take a look, take a look at the British Fruit Loops and understand that they taste the same and tell me if you would really...
19:22 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, I can't wait till my, at Customs, at Heathrow, and they say, "What's your business here in London, Mr. O'Brien?" And I say, "I'm here to check out your Fruit Loops."
19:36 Conan O'Brien? I'm laughing at you, not with you. Are there other foods besides cereals that you go crazy for? I mean, is...
19:44 Speaker 02 You're talking about processed foods?
19:45 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, processed foods. I mean, I know that you like Pop-Tarts. I know that you like...
19:49 Speaker 02 I don't like Pop-Tarts. That was...
19:50 Conan O'Brien? I found them in your office.
19:51 Speaker 02 Yeah, in 2008.
19:53 Conan O'Brien? Okay, so what happened?
19:54 Speaker 02 Shot in 2007, by the way. Aired in early 2008.
19:57 Conan O'Brien? Okay, I'm a good driver. I'm a good driver.
19:59 Speaker 02 That was December. We shot it in December.
20:00 Conan O'Brien? Wattner's on at five. Good driver.
20:03 Conan O'Brien? Um, uh, that's great. I'm happy for you that you're happy.
20:07 Speaker 02 Yeah, other processed, processed foods are not my weakness.
20:10 Conan O'Brien? So your aberrant behavior, you say, comes in cravings. Um, I do wanna make, call someone to your attention.
20:17 Speaker 02 Okay.
20:18 Conan O'Brien? I am a fan of, of crime, true crime, and I've done a lot of...
20:22 Speaker 02 Crime itself or documentaries about crime?
20:24 Conan O'Brien? I love crime.
20:25 Speaker 02 Okay.
20:27 Conan O'Brien? I'm a coward myself, but if I could get away with it, I would. All right. But serial killers, and specifically many of them have described it's an urge that comes over them every couple of years. And then they go insane. Their eyes get demonic, the way yours did when you were talking about Fruit Loops and Lucky Charms. And they commit these horrible acts, their faces splattered with blood, and then they compose themselves, they clean up the scene, and they go back to their, quote, "regular lives," where they're very contained and robotic. You exhibit all of the same traits. It's the same. It really is the same. The only difference being that some men kill people and some men eat cereal.
21:05 Conan O'Brien? You say tomato, I say tomato. You're a murderer through and through. You can eat your soy protein, impervious to any criticism, while I'll consume high-quality whey protein, and once every three years, I'll have some Lucky Charms. All right, well, I think we've exhausted this issue. And by the way, that means that I, you've exhausted me. I want nothing more to do with you. We're gonna take a little break. We'll be right back.
21:33 Conan O'Brien? You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?
21:36 Speaker 04 Yeah, I love awards.
21:36 Conan O'Brien? Every now and then, in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen. You know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.
21:50 Speaker 04 Nice.
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21:59 Speaker 04 I drive a Hyundai Palisade, and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.
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22:23 Speaker 04 Hello!
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22:57 Conan O'Brien? Who do you shop for first on the holidays, Sona? Was it, do you shop for the kids or do you shop for Tac? My kids. Okay. Or Oki. You gotta get them your stuff. Or my dog. And then your husband is last. Well, guess what? It's that time of year. You feel that, you smell that cinnamon cider in the air? Do you smell that? Yeah. And you see pumpkins around, people buying turkeys. A little early to buy a turkey. Yeah. Doesn't matter. Holidays? I would say it's just around the corner, but that's a cliche. It's very nearby in the cupboard. Well, guess what? Amazon delivers joy with low prices on the gifts you want even this early in the season. So get ahead of the season. Shop early gifts, top picks, holiday decor, and advent calendars at low prices.
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23:51 Conan O'Brien? Sona, you have to admit, the holidays, it's really about hanging with the people you love. Yeah. And getting to be yourself. Not going to some stuffy holiday party where you need to conform to what the man wants you to think about the holidays. Yeah. Yeah, it's about being yourself. Turn your holiday time into Miller time by enjoying a Miller Lite in a place where you're free to enjoy yourself on a walk with a cousin. With a cousin? Why are they getting all specific about? Because it's family. But what about a niece or a nephew? Yeah. Like a walk with an ex-wife? I don't know. I mean, they're just throwing, that's a weird, they just made a very specific choice. Yeah. Now's the time for those unexpected holiday side guests and enjoy a great tasting light beer.
24:34 Conan O'Brien? 'Tis Miller time, as Dickens wrote. Miller Lite is brewed for taste, the taste you can depend on. The original light beer since 1975 and still iconic more than 50 years later. I like to be with my bros, my chums, my posse. Crack open a Miller Lite, take a swig, a sip, look around and see my friends. We've known each other forever and we're just hanging out. Yeah, you guys are just doing chest bumps and high-fiving. Miller Lite is great taste done right. Go to millerlite.com/conan to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. 'Tis Miller time. Celebrate responsibly Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.
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26:32 Conan O'Brien? Hey, we're back. I'm here with my co-host, Jordan Schlansky. Jordan, when I walk this earth, and I do walk this earth, people are always asking me about you. Do you get questions when you walk around? Do people come up to you and say, hey, I know you. You're that guy, Jordan? They do. Yeah. And what's their... What do you hear from those people? What's the feedback you're getting? Uh, well, the mere fact that people approach and oftentimes want a photo or a selfie already tells me that they're appreciative of the work that I guess you and I do together, the artistic work, our contribution. Well, people have tried, you know, if they see Sasquatch, they try and get a photo. So it's not always a compliment. It's like, oh, Jesus, there it is.
27:15 Conan O'Brien? Let me try and get a photo of it in real life before it scurries away. But people are nice to you. Yes, they are. Do they question you about our relationship in real life?
27:30 Speaker 02 I can't recall any questions about you in particular.
27:35 Conan O'Brien? Oh, really? They're not interested in me at all?
27:36 Speaker 02 I get questions about myself, but, you know, that's my own experience. You might get questions about you and not me.
27:44 Conan O'Brien? No, I only get questions about you.
27:46 Speaker 03 How often do you hear people ask you what you do on the show and what your duties are?
27:52 Speaker 02 Generally, it comes from Conan. No one else asks me what I do. It's a fascination of yours.
27:59 Conan O'Brien? Well, it's a fascination. I have to say, while we're in the course of the time that we've been doing this this radio show, you've constantly asked me when you're gonna get paid. And I think there's no proof that you've actually done anything for me in 25 years of employment, and yet you've been steadily paid. So I'm just curious, why should I pay you at all? You may owe me tons and tons and tons of back pay from years, years of working for me and being well compensated and living a very nice life and going to wonderful restaurants and traveling the world and doing what I can tell is nothing. Every time I've quizzed you on what you do on the show, you have no idea.
28:42 Conan O'Brien? And now, all I do is want to chat with you briefly on the Sirius channel. And what do you say repeatedly? When am I getting paid? How much am I getting paid? Where's my money? That's offensive. I thought we were friends.
28:56 Speaker 02 Yeah. Nevertheless, I believe that artistic contribution should be compensated.
29:01 Conan O'Brien? What is art? What are you talking about art? There's no art here.
29:04 Speaker 02 I'm talking about in when I'm finally engaged by Sirius and given a contract, I expect to be referred to as the artist. In parentheses, that's generally how these things work. Are you an artist?
29:17 Conan O'Brien? When you walk your dog and it poops, do you say, "Ah, the artist is done"? Uh, I would like to now frame his work and pick it. Is that, is that your, is that, is that your attitude about what art is?
29:28 Speaker 02 Yeah, I don't have a dog. What I'm telling you-
29:30 Conan O'Brien? It was a hypothetical dog?
29:31 Speaker 02 Yes.
29:32 Conan O'Brien? And why do you hate dogs?
29:33 Speaker 02 What I'm telling you is, I'm not responsible-
29:34 Conan O'Brien? You don't like dogs?
29:35 Speaker 02 I'm not responsible for the US financial system and the, the business model that exists where if you work, you get paid for that work. I, I didn't invent that, but nevertheless, that's where we are and I just, I'm going through life here-
29:47 Conan O'Brien? Your eyes are crazy again.
29:48 Speaker 02 I'm just going through life in this society like everyone else.
29:51 Conan O'Brien? Your eyes are insane again.
29:52 Speaker 02 Right.
29:53 Conan O'Brien? Are you aware what happens to your eyes? Want me to do it for you?
29:55 Speaker 02 I, I don't know.
29:56 Conan O'Brien? Your eyes get very wide.
29:57 Speaker 02 Okay.
29:58 Conan O'Brien? The, there's a sharp break, a crazy break, uh, in the eyebrows and you get a frozen smile, otherwise known as a rictus. A frozen smile of a grinning ghoul. Uh, the smile that a corpse gets when it starts to, uh, you know, decompose, the muscles pull back and it gets a frozen eerie crazy smile. The death mask. That's your face.
30:23 Speaker 02 These are my human expressions. I did not craft this. I didn't ask for this body. I was given this muscle structure-
30:28 Conan O'Brien? Clearly not. No one asked for that.
30:29 Speaker 02 I was given this facial structure and that's the way my facial structure reacts to any number of stimuli.
30:34 Conan O'Brien? But you could work on it. Have you worked on trying to have a regular smile?
30:37 Speaker 02 No, I have not worked on trying to have a regular smile.
30:39 Conan O'Brien? Well, you should work on it a little bit. You know, you only get one life. You don't want to walk around and every time, what do your kids think when you start smiling on their birthday and they think, why is that daddy's gonna murder?
30:49 Speaker 02 I haven't had complaints about my smile other than from you.
30:51 Conan O'Brien? They're terrified of you. Your children don't want to talk to you. They're terrified of you.
30:55 Speaker 02 Yeah.
30:55 Conan O'Brien? Sometimes a child, a child is too afraid. When there's a, a masked grinning murderous clown in the house, a child doesn't go up to it and say, let's talk about this. So, I'm just saying you have, there's a chance here. You should talk to your wife and maybe there's, there's, we can help you.
31:11 Speaker 02 So what's your specific complaint right now? What's your grievance? That my smile is aesthetically displeasing?
31:17 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
31:17 Speaker 02 I don't, is that what you needed to express?
31:19 Conan O'Brien? It looks evil.
31:20 Speaker 02 Okay.
31:21 Conan O'Brien? It's sort of evil and, and maniacal.
31:23 Speaker 02 Okay.
31:24 Conan O'Brien? So, uh, Jordan, you're gonna, we've agreed, you're gonna work on your smile and on just being a little more normal, okay?
31:31 Speaker 02 That will make you more comfortable for me to have a different smile. I guess I could consider it.
31:37 Conan O'Brien? Hey, how's your workout regimen? What are you doing these days?
31:40 Speaker 02 Oh, yes. Well, you know, this is a complex question.
31:44 Conan O'Brien? It really isn't.
31:46 Speaker 02 Possibly beyond the scope of this medium.
31:47 Conan O'Brien? Simplest question of all. What's your workout regimen? What are you doing?
31:50 Speaker 02 Yes. Well, primarily, I like to lift heavy objects. I believe in resistance training, also known as strength training. I stress my muscles beyond their capacity to prompt them to grow larger and stronger.
32:05 Conan O'Brien? Why do you do that? Everyone knows what building muscle involves. You don't have to explain the process.
32:11 Speaker 02 I don't know if everybody knows. You take that for granted because you have high-powered trainers. The point is, if you don't stress your muscle beyond its capability... You have to work out to failure, okay? You have to work out until you can't lift another rep.
32:21 Conan O'Brien? Well, buddy, you're there. Look at your face. You just took a torpedo amidships. You're going down by the bow. Of all my employees, you're the one that's been the most honest with me over time about my appearance. And it's not always easy for me to hear. And sometimes it's very painful for me to hear. But could you just tell me how you think I'm looking these days?
32:49 Speaker 02 Oh, how you're looking these days? Well...
32:50 Conan O'Brien? Be honest. And you don't have to be mean if you don't on purpose.
32:53 Speaker 02 First of all, we need to be relative. We need to be relative to your age, okay? I'm not going to assess you as if you were a 20-year-old. Do you look as good as a 20-year-old? No, of course not. You wouldn't expect to. So there's that. So you've got, you know, age and, you know, there are certain... Look, you're a nice guy. I mean, what I'm saying is...
33:18 Conan O'Brien? Jesus Christ!
33:19 Speaker 02 Look, look, there are...
33:20 Conan O'Brien? I'm a nice guy?
33:22 Speaker 02 Physically speaking, you have strengths, okay?
33:25 Conan O'Brien? What's there about those?
33:26 Speaker 02 You've got great posture. And for a taller guy, you know what? Most people, when they hit puberty, people that are tall, they kind of develop a hunched stance because they're trying to like, diminutize themselves because they feel a little imposing.
33:37 Conan O'Brien? No, I didn't hit puberty. No, I just skates, but I stayed erect.
33:40 Speaker 02 No, for a tall man, you're quite, you are quite erect. You stand with good posture.
33:45 Conan O'Brien? But why you, I mean, you can say, clearly I work out. Isn't that clear to you?
33:50 Speaker 02 Uh, well, I know that you work out because I know you and we, it's come up in discussion. Yeah, sure.
33:55 Conan O'Brien? But no, but when you look at me.
33:57 Speaker 02 When I look at you.
33:57 Conan O'Brien? Be honest, come on, you can tell I'm in pretty good shape.
34:00 Speaker 02 Well, who knows what you would look like if you didn't work out? So by that reckoning, uh, I'm guessing that working out, uh, has certain benefits, uh, to your, you're talking about visually, you wanna know how you visually look?
34:10 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, when I walk into a room, what are you thinking?
34:14 Speaker 02 Well, look, a man is a complex sum of his parts and then, and then some. Uh, I don't just, uh, dissect your physical appearance and separate it out from everything else. When you walk into a room, I say, there's, uh, there's a man, uh, and he's got, uh, some strengths.
34:34 Conan O'Brien? This is like the worst day of my life.
34:36 Speaker 02 What can I, what can I?
34:37 Conan O'Brien? I don't see why it's so hard for you to say, uh, I hear a lot of compliments from some of the people that work here, younger people, and they say, oh, you look really good, you look thin, you look like you work out. And you, you don't say any of those things.
34:47 Speaker 02 Well, I don't know what kind of feedback you're looking for. Do you want, uh, thin? Well, sure, I mean, you're not obese, so, you know, I mean, uh, I've seen you different weights over the years, uh, that's okay.
34:59 Conan O'Brien? There were different strains and pressures over time. Sometimes I probably, uh, self-medicated with food, but I think I've got it all under control now.
35:06 Speaker 02 I mean, look, this is not 2000, late 2004, early 2005. I mean, you know.
35:11 Conan O'Brien? That's when, that's the period when you really thought I went to shit, didn't you?
35:13 Speaker 02 No, you looked great, that's when you looked great, uh, late 2004.
35:16 Conan O'Brien? That's when I looked great?
35:17 Speaker 02 No, you had a good, a good few years, even through 2007, uh, you know.
35:22 Conan O'Brien? Few years, few years.
35:22 Speaker 02 Yeah.
35:22 Conan O'Brien? No, I can hear, fine. At your peak.
35:24 Speaker 02 I, when, when.
35:25 Conan O'Brien? What do you mean by peaks?
35:26 Speaker 02 Is this the lowest you've ever been? No.
35:28 Conan O'Brien? This is, the, this is a, uh, a lot of people think I look younger than, say, a 60-year-old man would normally look. Do you think that's true?
35:35 Speaker 02 Yeah, I'd say so, yeah.
35:36 Conan O'Brien? Okay.
35:37 Speaker 02 Yeah, you're not, uh, I mean, 60, is that like a senior citizen? But by the strictest definition, I don't know when, when do you not have to take your shoes off at the airport? 62? No, I'm just saying like I don't understand what's considered elderly, but, but you do not look elderly.
35:51 Conan O'Brien? Thank you.
35:51 Speaker 02 If six, if people think sixty is elderly.
35:53 Conan O'Brien? And I'm pretty spry. I think there's a good chance I could take you in a fight. I think I would tear you apart.
35:57 Speaker 02 Yeah, you've got height, yeah.
35:59 Conan O'Brien? No, no, not just height, but I have a strong muscle tone.
36:01 Speaker 02 Absolutely.
36:02 Conan O'Brien? I could totally rip you apart.
36:03 Speaker 02 Yeah, even at your worst in two thousand, you know, one, two.
36:08 Conan O'Brien? I was upset. There was a lot of horrible things happening in the world.
36:11 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
36:11 Conan O'Brien? So I ate a pizza pie. What's the problem? Every now and then, terrible things would happen and I would compensate by eating some pizza pie.
36:17 Speaker 02 So when you say you had a bad year, like nutritionally speaking, what are we talking, late night binges? Like what were you doing to gain that bulk?
36:23 Conan O'Brien? I was doing everything.
36:23 Speaker 02 I'm just saying, how does it happen?
36:25 Conan O'Brien? Oh, I was in Orson Welles.
36:26 Speaker 02 Explain to me.
36:27 Conan O'Brien? No one was writing in and saying that I was the tub of late night.
36:29 Speaker 02 What I'm saying, was it just that every meal was slightly bigger? Were you just eating late at night before being at rest?
36:35 Conan O'Brien? You know my issue. My issue is I can be, I can really lock it down, but then, like you, I have times of insanity.
36:41 Speaker 02 Okay.
36:42 Conan O'Brien? And there were some times of insanity.
36:43 Speaker 02 But are you eating like hot dogs, like large quantities of hot dogs?
36:46 Conan O'Brien? Anything I can get into my fat face.
36:47 Speaker 02 Right, right.
36:47 Conan O'Brien? Like a snake, I would unhinge my jaw and I would shove stuff in there.
36:50 Speaker 02 Was it portion size that got you?
36:52 Conan O'Brien? Portion, it was everything, everything. And yes, I, was I somewhat monstrous for months, several months, maybe in two thousand one? But then I snapped right back into this immaculate form and you're still beating me over the head because I went off the rails for a couple of months.
37:08 Speaker 02 I'm answering the question that was asked of me. You look better than you did, uh, back in the early two thousands.
37:13 Conan O'Brien? Okay, thanks a lot. And, and you say that I'll never get back what I had in the late two thousands.
37:17 Speaker 02 By the way, I've deteriorated as well. I mean, I mean, I'm answering.
37:20 Conan O'Brien? No, we're not talking about mentally, we're talking about physically.
37:22 Speaker 02 Yes. I, I've deteriorated as well. It, it, I would expect you to deteriorate.
37:26 Conan O'Brien? I'm not deteriorating. I'm a, I'm a, I, I, every day I get better and better, stronger and stronger.
37:33 Speaker 03 He looks good for, for, you know.
37:35 Speaker 02 For what?
37:36 Conan O'Brien? I don't even think for, I think I look fine.
37:38 Speaker 02 You look fine. Fine is a good word for it. Fine is the perfect word.
37:42 Conan O'Brien? This is terrible. Eduardo, would you weigh in?
37:44 Speaker 02 Sure.
37:45 Conan O'Brien? Well, I mean, is the only thing he's saying, do you think he's being a little hard? Harsh? Or do you think he's, he's accurate? You can be, say whatever you want and then you can work someplace else tomorrow.
37:53 Speaker 02 For, for six.
37:55 Conan O'Brien? Don't, no one's.
37:57 Speaker 03 Why does it always for that age?
38:00 Speaker 02 We see the world through a subjective lens, you understand? We consider a number of possibilities. You don't exist in a vacuum. Your physical appearance doesn't exist in a vacuum. When I look at you, I think of your life circumstance. I think of your aura. I think of so many things that are far more important than your physical shell. Physically, sure, you're deteriorating, as we all are. And it will only get worse. And not even in a linear scale. It will be exponential.
38:21 Conan O'Brien? It's gonna go fast. Do you think I'll go downhill fast?
38:23 Speaker 02 The difference between 60 and 70 will be far more dramatic than the difference between 50 and 60.
38:27 Conan O'Brien? I don't think so. I think 60 and 70, I'm gonna do pretty well. I think 70 to 72 is when I go right in the shitter. I think that's when I become just a total mess.
38:36 Speaker 02 What I'm saying, there'll be times when you look back on this video, for example, and you say, "God, I was an Adonis back then." Look at me now. I'm saying this is, from this point forward, as good as it's gonna get for you. Now, sure, you can make certain improvements to your lifestyle, nutritionally speaking.
38:50 Conan O'Brien? But it's not gonna change that much.
38:52 Speaker 02 Right, exactly.
38:52 Conan O'Brien? I could go to Britain and have their Fruit Loops, but it's not gonna get that much better.
38:55 Speaker 02 But you understand, this is the beauty of the human experience. There's a rise and a fall. This is the period where, look, I didn't make these rules of nature, but they exist. Your body is useless to human evolution at this point. You, we know that you have value to us, but Mother Nature doesn't know this. Your genetic programming doesn't know this. You are, as, you know, potentially everyone in this room, a couple of very good-looking men in here, you are deteriorating. You are, you are in the decline, the decrescendo, the plummet.
39:33 Conan O'Brien? All right, well, this has been fun.
39:35 Speaker 03 Well, I wanna, I wanna ask you a question. You were saying that you were kinda beating around the bush. Those two bad years, the decline years.
39:41 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
39:41 Speaker 03 What was wrong with him in those years? In your estimation?
39:46 Conan O'Brien? And thank you, Frank.
39:47 Speaker 03 Yeah, my pleasure.
39:48 Speaker 02 You see, I'm being prompted to be critical, and then I will be criticized for being critical. What's worth mentioning is when people do decline, sometimes they decline in different ways, okay? We have different deficiencies. For whatever reason, your own particular deficiency was somewhat unique among the people that I know. Sometimes I see people get bellies. I see people, you know, have, lose muscle mass. You had a very specific deficiency. Your face and your body itself stretched horizontally. You widened. Your face widened. I don't understand the mechanics of it.
40:23 Conan O'Brien? I was with child.
40:24 Speaker 02 What I'm saying is-
40:25 Conan O'Brien? I was carrying a baby.
40:26 Speaker 02 Unless there was like-
40:27 Conan O'Brien? I was carrying a baby!
40:29 Speaker 02 Okay, so now, in case there was like an injection of human growth hormone to widen the bone structure of your jaw, I don't understand the mechanics of it.
40:36 Conan O'Brien? Look at my face now, does it look the same?
40:40 Conan O'Brien? Is it too wide?
40:40 Speaker 02 Now you look, you look okay, you're not-
40:42 Conan O'Brien? Okay!
40:42 Speaker 02 Is it too wide?
40:43 Conan O'Brien? Why don't you fucking say I look good? I'm a good-looking man, why can't you say that?
40:46 Speaker 02 You have strengths. You definitely have strengths.
40:48 Conan O'Brien? Alright, that's it, we're out.
40:48 Speaker 02 You definitely have strengths.
40:49 Conan O'Brien? We're out. We're out. We're out. You know, that's it. Anyway, this has been the Conan and Jordan Show, soon to be just the Conan Show again.
41:00 Conan O'Brien? And I'm very depressed. I'm gonna go have, uh... I'm gonna go have wine. And it is, uh... It's a little after 2 o'clock in the afternoon as we record this. I'm gonna have a lot of wine, and that face is gonna plump up real nice.
41:16 Conan O'Brien? But Jordan, thank you for joining me. I do appreciate it.
41:18 Speaker 02 It's my pleasure.
41:22 Speaker 02 It's the Mini Moog. You see that growl? It's a growl.
41:24 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, uh-huh, yeah. No one cares.
41:28 Conan O'Brien? This is your favorite band?
41:29 Speaker 02 Bob Moog.
41:31 Speaker 02 Dutch name, of course, Moog. Just like a stroopwafel. You're familiar with the Dutch treat stroopwafel? The O-O, stroop meaning syrup.
41:39 Conan O'Brien? No, I didn't know that.
41:40 Speaker 02 Waffle meaning waffle.
41:42 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, waffle is, of course, waffle.
41:44 Speaker 03 We were just, uh... I was just informed we were just canceled.
41:46 Conan O'Brien? Yeah. Wait. Nope, I just heard we're back. Who's even assessing this show?
41:56 Speaker 03 Conan and Jordan Show with Conan O'Brien and Jordan Schlansky is produced by me, Frank Smiley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Jim McClure. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez. Our supervising producer is Andrew Gruce. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. The theme song is "Tom Sawyer" by Rush. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan and Jordan? Call the Team Coco hotline, 669-587-2847, and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine
42:41 Speaker 03 podcasts are downloaded. And be sure to subscribe and tune into Conan O'Brien Radio, Channel 104 on Sirius XM.
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