Nate Bargatze

Comedian Nate Bargatze feels a heaviness about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Nate sits down with Conan to discuss accusations of mundanity, fulfilling his dream of performing at the Bridgestone Arena in Nashville, designing an amusement park, his iconic George Washington sketches on SNL and hosting the Primetime Emmys. Later, chaos erupts as Conan and his team attempt to level the playing field with gender-equal slang. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: (669) 587-2847.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:03Conan O'Brien?

  When it comes to insurance, Farmers doesn't like surprises. That's why there's Farmers coverage on a page. What is it you ask? Did you ask? I don't think you did, but let's pretend you did.

• 0:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay, what is that?

• 0:14Conan O'Brien?

  It's your coverage on a page, pretty straightforward.

• 0:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:18Conan O'Brien?

  That's good, because sometimes it gets confusing, you know? What am I covered for, what am I not? Here, it's all on a page. Does your insurance do that? Get a quote to get started at Farmers.com. Don't be confused, don't wonder. Farmers makes it pretty clear. Underwritten by Farmers Truck or Fire Insurance Exchanges or affiliate. Products not available in every state.

• 0:39Conan O'Brien?

  Who do you shop for first on the holidays, Sona? Was it, do you shop for the kids, or do you shop for Tac?

• 0:43Speaker 01

  My kids.

• 0:44Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, you gotta get them their stuff.

• 0:45Speaker 01

  Or my dog.

• 0:46Conan O'Brien?

  And then your husband is last. Well, guess what? It's that time of year, you feel that, you smell that cinnamon cider in the air? Do you smell that?

• 0:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:56Conan O'Brien?

  And you see pumpkins around, people buying turkeys. Little early to buy a turkey. Doesn't matter. Holidays? I would say it's just around the corner, but that's a cliche. It's very nearby in the cupboard. Well, guess what? Amazon delivers joy with low prices on the gifts you want, even this early in the season. So get ahead of the season, shop early gifts, top picks, holiday decor, and advent calendars at low prices. Get ahead, start on holiday gifting with Amazon's low prices. Shop now at Amazon.com/holiday.

• 1:33Speaker 02

  Hi, my name is Nate Bargatze.

• 1:38Speaker 02

  And I feel a heaviness about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

• 1:43Conan O'Brien?

  All right, now what's the heaviness about, Nate?

• 1:45Speaker 02

  I think you come with a lot.

• 1:48Conan O'Brien?

  You are correct.

• 1:49Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:49Conan O'Brien?

  Give the man his prize money.

• 2:13Conan O'Brien?

  Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I am Conan O'Brien and Sona Sessian is right next to me, drinking a massive glass of water.

• 2:21Speaker 01

  It is massive.

• 2:22Conan O'Brien?

  And you're taking this really weird, over-articulated sip. And then here's Matt Gourley doing, creating characters in real time.

• 2:32Speaker 01

  I'm scared of it spilling again and then Eduardo getting mad at us.

• 2:36Conan O'Brien?

  Eduardo is very, very strict about liquids getting anywhere near the electrical ports. Because both of you have spilled water.

• 2:45Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 2:46Conan O'Brien?

  And you have not?

• 2:47Speaker 01

  Oh, I'm perfect. I never spilled. I know podcasting. I care about equipment.

• 2:52Speaker 03

  You could joke, but it's true.

• 2:53Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 2:54Conan O'Brien?

  You did spill one time.

• 2:56Speaker 03

  Well, I didn't.

• 2:56Conan O'Brien?

  A big bag of Dee's nuts.

• 3:01Conan O'Brien?

  Listeners, we were chatting just before we went on mic.

• 3:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:07Conan O'Brien?

  Sona was doing tons of Dee's nuts jokes. I became-

• 3:12Speaker 01

  During a very important meeting.

• 3:13Conan O'Brien?

  I became irritated and said, "What was the beginning of all the Dee's nuts thing?" We all started trying to plow into how Dee's nuts got started and then Eduardo, you had a theory.

• 3:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, Dr. Dre on the Chronic album in 1992 had a track called Dee's Nuts.

• 3:29Conan O'Brien?

  Do you think that started it or do you think, was it a thing before that?

• 3:32Speaker 03

  In terms of pop culture, I think, absolutely. I'm sure it came well before that.

• 3:36Conan O'Brien?

  But I know that Dee's nuts really took off when? When did it really take off where? What was the heyday of Dee's nuts?

• 3:43Speaker 01

  This is a real nerdy conversation.

• 3:45Conan O'Brien?

  And can we have a Dee's nuts assunt?

• 3:46Speaker 01

  You don't analyze Dee's nuts. You just Dee's nuts. You just do it.

• 3:50Conan O'Brien?

  Now, you say Dee's nuts a lot?

• 3:52Speaker 01

  I do. I say a lot of like guy stuff, like, "Suck this."

• 3:58Conan O'Brien?

  What?

• 3:59Speaker 01

  I don't wanna say suck my dick, but I sometimes say-

• 4:02Conan O'Brien?

  Well, you know-

• 4:02Speaker 01

  I know, that is what I say, but I felt really gross being like very vulgar right away. But yeah, sometimes I tell people suck my dick.

• 4:10Conan O'Brien?

  Right. And is that a common thing for women to say they have a penis, even if they don't have a penis?

• 4:14Speaker 01

  No, it's not common. I'm, I'm-

• 4:16Conan O'Brien?

  So you're an uncommon-

• 4:17Speaker 01

  I'm unwell, I think is what it is. Yeah.

• 4:20Conan O'Brien?

  And that's a regular thing you've been doing for years, is telling people to suck your dick?

• 4:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, and then once on Broad City, Alana Glazer's character says to another guy, she goes, "Suck my dick."

• 4:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and did you high five the screen at that moment?

• 4:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, I was like, "It's not just me."

• 4:32Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 4:33Speaker 01

  And so did Caitlin Olson's character in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

• 4:37Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 4:37Speaker 01

  This is what I know.

• 4:38Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 4:39Speaker 01

  You know, Matt knows Star Wars and Indiana Jones.

• 4:41Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 4:42Speaker 01

  You know the Civil War.

• 4:43Conan O'Brien?

  Civil War.

• 4:43Speaker 01

  I know suck my dick when a woman says it.

• 4:46Conan O'Brien?

  Now, what if our two interests coincided and I was talking about a guy in the Civil War, uh, who said suck my dick? Uh, to General Deez Nuts of the Union Army. Yeah, and General Lando Calrissian was there as well. Yeah, General Lando Calrissian.

• 5:04Speaker 01

  Our worlds collide.

• 5:05Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and all our worlds came together and it meant the end of the world. It was matter meeting anti-matter, meaning what's the matter?

• 5:10Speaker 01

  Oh, come on.

• 5:12Conan O'Brien?

  Listen, so-

• 5:13Speaker 01

  Come on.

• 5:14Conan O'Brien?

  What about, now you're a mom now, which still horrifies me.

• 5:17Speaker 01

  I know, me too.

• 5:19Conan O'Brien?

  What happens if your kids hear you, maybe they're in their room playing with what Soviet toy your husband gave them? Um, and what, you know that little-

• 5:27Speaker 01

  They play with American toys too.

• 5:29Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, now they have those? Wow, what a country.

• 5:31Speaker 01

  Wow!

• 5:32Conan O'Brien?

  I came there once and there was a little wind-up Gorbachev with lead paint on it. It just says over and over again, "What's happened to the wall? Where's the wall?" Um, but you- So anyway, if you're, if you're and Tack are having an argument and the kids hear it and you shout at Tack, "Suck my dick."

• 5:52Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 5:53Conan O'Brien?

  Deez Nuts.

• 5:55Speaker 01

  I never say it in a serious setting.

• 5:57Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, is that okay? So they're not picking up on it? Your house is not a serious setting. I've been to your house, it's not a serious setting.

• 6:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, but it's not like, I say it jokingly, like, "Suck me dick," you know, or like, "Deez nuts."

• 6:07Conan O'Brien?

  And your kids know the difference.

• 6:08Speaker 01

  Cause I don't, I don't actually have a penis, and it's okay, that's the joke.

• 6:12Conan O'Brien?

  Who knows, but my thing is-

• 6:15Speaker 01

  I know.

• 6:16Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, okay. Just check when you get home. But, my question is this-

• 6:21Speaker 01

  If I find one.

• 6:22Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Whoa! Where have you been?

• 6:27Conan O'Brien?

  I go months at a time without seeing mine.

• 6:29Speaker 04

  I censor myself, but during this conversation, like, you know how Robocop has that readout? I've had all these things come to mind to say, and I have cut every single one of them.

• 6:37Conan O'Brien?

  Not me. I don't have one of those. My screen broke a long time ago.

• 6:40Speaker 01

  Clearly, I don't either. What are you cutting out? Why would you do that?

• 6:43Speaker 04

  I don't know. It's just us, man. We're just having a good time. Us and a million listeners.

• 6:47Speaker 01

  Why am I the only one who says things like this? If you censor, you can't censor. We can't, we don't censor.

• 6:53Speaker 04

  I normally don't. He normally doesn't.

• 6:54Conan O'Brien?

  But his not censoring is different than you're not censoring.

• 6:57Speaker 04

  That's true.

• 6:58Conan O'Brien?

  He'll think, oh, I could make a Lando Calrissian reference.

• 7:00Speaker 04

  No, that's not true.

• 7:01Conan O'Brien?

  But I think I won't.

• 7:02Speaker 04

  This time because she was saying-

• 7:03Conan O'Brien?

  But you're thinking about, you're talking about dicks and cocks and, you know.

• 7:07Speaker 04

  And that's why I'm censoring myself, because I was gonna say Milk Dee's titties.

• 7:12Speaker 04

  See, that's why I censor myself.

• 7:13Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? You should have censored yourself.

• 7:14Speaker 04

  I know. I know.

• 7:16Conan O'Brien?

  It's too late now.

• 7:16Speaker 04

  I know.

• 7:17Conan O'Brien?

  No, but you know what? That's not a saying. You can't just-

• 7:19Speaker 01

  You can't.

• 7:20Conan O'Brien?

  Can I just say this?

• 7:21Speaker 04

  That's gonna catch on like wildfire.

• 7:22Conan O'Brien?

  No, it's not, because it doesn't roll off the tongue, Milk Dee. But Dee's nuts, it's just bang, it's done.

• 7:27Speaker 01

  Milk Dee's titties. No, but that's also, you can say that to a lactating woman, but not every woman's lactating. Every guy has nuts. You could say Dee's nuts.

• 7:34Speaker 04

  No, I think Hitler is missing one.

• 7:36Conan O'Brien?

  No, that's a, I think that's not true, by the way.

• 7:39Speaker 01

  You could say Dee's nut, if someone's lost one.

• 7:42Speaker 04

  You have to say Disnut.

• 7:42Speaker 01

  Disnut. But with a D. Disnut.

• 7:46Speaker 04

  Milk Dee's titties. Both of you. Milk Dee's titties.

• 7:49Conan O'Brien?

  We were talking about, this is very hard to do, Matt, but we were talking about Dee's nuts, and you took us down the wrong path. Which is next to impossible to do on a discussion of Dee's nuts. Well, wouldn't it be singular? It would be singular on nuts. Wouldn't it be singular? What? How did Dee's nuts get boring?

• 8:10Conan O'Brien?

  There are adolescent kids right now going, ah, this Dee's nuts conversation isn't panning out. No, I'm not gonna rap.

• 8:17Speaker 01

  No, can we also talk, Dee's nuts came out when, 1992?

• 8:20Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 8:21Speaker 01

  I mean, she's been going strong for over 30 years.

• 8:23Conan O'Brien?

  I think it's he's been going strong.

• 8:24Speaker 01

  No, she's been going strong. That's impressive.

• 8:27Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, I wanna say before, this has taken down another unceremonious path,

• 8:32Speaker 01

  I'm just talking about it's important.

• 8:33Conan O'Brien?

  That we were talking about the beginning of a great American phrase. And I thought that was a worthwhile discussion and I'm glad that we did it. I don't think Milk Dee's Titties is gonna become a thing.

• 8:44Speaker 04

  Oh, you'll see.

• 8:45Speaker 05

  I think we should, I think we should sell Team Coco merch with that phrase on it. Milk Dee's Titties? I will not be wearing those!

• 8:51Speaker 04

  And I get 100% of the income of that because I not only coined, but crafted that.

• 8:55Conan O'Brien?

  Should it then be parentheses, lower down the T, and not Dee's Nuts?

• 8:59Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 8:59Conan O'Brien?

  To incorporate the earlier, more popular phrase to give a turbo boost to the Milk Dee's Titties.

• 9:05Speaker 04

  I don't think it needs it. I think Milk Dee's Titties works on its own.

• 9:08Conan O'Brien?

  How about we make them both, one polyester, one cotton, and we see if it catches on?

• 9:11Speaker 01

  You can't milk nuts!

• 9:13Conan O'Brien?

  Well, you can, actually. All right, we'll take a break. We just found out that our funding from PBS has been cut, says right here. And, um, Sona, you go and read up on some basic biology. Uh, let's get into it.

• 9:29Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:29Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, well, anyway, my guest today, very, I mean, Sona?

• 9:35Speaker 01

  What are you?

• 9:36Conan O'Brien?

  Sona?

• 9:36Speaker 01

  I'm sorry. Nothing, my Robocop thing is going off and I'm saying, no, no, no.

• 9:41Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, yeah.

• 9:42Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, it happens.

• 9:43Conan O'Brien?

  If Sona's editing herself, it's time to call Ripley's Believe It or Not. My guest today is a hilarious comedian who's currently on his Big Dumb Eyes world tour. God, he's good. Tickets are available at natebargatze.com. We're thrilled he's here today. Uh, I love him. Hilarious comedian, lovely fellow.

• 10:05Conan O'Brien?

  Nate Bargatze, welcome.

• 10:11Conan O'Brien?

  We've known each other a long time. I met you, what was the year that you first came on my late night show?

• 10:16Speaker 02

  Uh, 2008. You were my first late night appearance.

• 10:19Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 10:19Speaker 02

  It was Late Night Conan.

• 10:20Conan O'Brien?

  I think I saw somewhere you were describing the experience of pulling up to 30 Rock and you hadn't done a late night show before?

• 10:26Speaker 02

  No.

• 10:26Conan O'Brien?

  Were you nervous about that?

• 10:28Speaker 02

  Well, you said that this is where I didn't in New York. They go, limos will come pick you up, but it's just a town car. But I'm from Nashville, so I'm like, you're just not throwing the word limo around. I'm expecting a real limo.

• 10:39Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 10:40Speaker 02

  But it was just a town car. You're like, all right, you know, I mean, I was still excited, but it was like, all right, a little deflating.

• 10:49Speaker 02

  I thought it was gonna be limo and then...

• 10:51Conan O'Brien?

  You wanted to put your head through the window?

• 10:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:53Conan O'Brien?

  Like you're on prom night?

• 10:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:57Conan O'Brien?

  He was wearing, I remember he came on and he was wearing a low cut dress.

• 11:01Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 11:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, he was all excited for prom.

• 11:03Speaker 01

  And a corsage.

• 11:04Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 11:05Speaker 02

  They, uh, so then we pulled up front, it was me and my wife, and then all the, there's people got cameras taking pictures of the guests that are gonna be on Conan, uh, they're coming out of the car. And so right when they pull up, I'm like, ah, this is not gonna be good, you know, cause I'm just, my first time doing late night, there, Julie Lewis-Dreyfus, I think was on the show.

• 11:24Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 11:24Speaker 02

  So they're looking for that. And then I come out and right when I walk out, uh, I, one of them goes, it's nobody.

• 11:32Speaker 02

  And, yeah.

• 11:36Speaker 02

  And then one, one guy did take a picture. I saw, he didn't even hold it up to his eye to make sure, he just kinda held it down.

• 11:43Conan O'Brien?

  Shot from his chest, yeah.

• 11:44Speaker 02

  Yeah. And he goes, I guess just, cause he saw me, he's like, yeah, might as well just see if some, maybe some.

• 11:50Conan O'Brien?

  You can hear him press delete.

• 11:52Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

• 11:53Conan O'Brien?

  It's a very audible sound, trust me. Many a paparazzi has deleted the photo while I'm standing there.

• 11:59Speaker 02

  You know what happened too, on my first one with you, cause they always say with comedians, if we mess up on stage, cause you're up there alone.

• 12:05Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 12:06Speaker 02

  And so when you, usually like, right when you get offstage, if you did said something wrong, you're saying it to whoever the first person comes near you, cause you just haven't talked to anybody.

• 12:14Conan O'Brien?

  Mm-hmm.

• 12:15Speaker 02

  And I messed up, but I, no one would even be able to tell, but in my head, I knew I messed up a joke. And when you came over and you're like, neighbor, get to, and you're like, alright, whatever. And then you shake your hand again, I go back to you, I go, I think I messed up that one joke. And you're like, I don't, alright. And then we just walked back. Like there was, they wasn't like it was a, you know, it was like, I stumbled a word.

• 12:36Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 12:36Speaker 02

  But I remember just, I always tell people that story, like the first thing I said to Conan when he comes over, I'm like, I think I messed up. You're like, I don't, alright.

• 12:44Conan O'Brien?

  It's all good. It's all good.

• 12:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 12:46Conan O'Brien?

  But also, I'm a huge fan of yours and it's nice, cause I've encountered you a bunch of times out in the world.

• 12:53Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 12:53Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, you were at the SNL 50th, and I don't know if you remember, I mean, I certainly remember it, but, uh, I got invited by Martin Short, like, do you wanna come have dinner with? Steve and I are gonna have some caviar and champagne the night before the 50th, you know, to sort of pre-game. I thought he was joking about the caviar and champagne. And I show up and it's the two of them there and you're there too.

• 13:15Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 13:16Conan O'Brien?

  And I don't know about you, but I will never be jaded about Steve Martin and Martin Short. Do you know what I mean?

• 13:22Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 13:23Conan O'Brien?

  And so I was just, I think like you, just happy to be there, you know?

• 13:27Speaker 02

  I was, yeah, I just happened to, I was walking out and they were like, hey, we're going up to have dinner. They didn't, they didn't tell me you were coming and they just said, we're going up to have dinner. And I was, and they're like, and I was actually funny, I was going to meet Spade.

• 13:41Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 13:41Speaker 02

  And then you're like, all right, let me go out there. And like, I just went out there, saw them a little bit and I'm kind of like, I gotta, you know, I need to go.

• 13:48Conan O'Brien?

  I gotta get out of here, yeah.

• 13:48Speaker 02

  And but it's crazy because you're talking to Steve Martin, Martin Short. And then Conan, then you come and then you're like, I mean, it's just sitting there. You're like, this is the most thrilled dinner. I've never had caviar. That's the first time I had caviar.

• 13:59Conan O'Brien?

  I, I'm not a fan of caviar.

• 14:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:01Conan O'Brien?

  Were you, were you, did you like it?

• 14:02Speaker 02

  I liked it there, but I could have been swept up in the moment. I'm not against.

• 14:06Conan O'Brien?

  It's off-brand for you.

• 14:07Speaker 02

  Yes, yes. And I could have just been in that moment being like, it's the best thing ever.

• 14:13Conan O'Brien?

  I was really happy because we got to hang out a little there. And then after the Oscars, I go to this after-party, I think it was a Vanity Fair party. And I run into you and a friend and we just, I think I talked to you guys for a long time. I felt like safe with you guys, like this will be nice. I can hang out with these guys.

• 14:31Speaker 02

  We did too. Yeah, I think comedians are kind of just tend to go, I don't, you know, because when you're at those parties, you're like, I don't know what I'm going to say to.

• 14:38Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 14:39Speaker 02

  Half these actors, like, I don't, you know, it's like, but with us, we just went over there and we all just hung out and it was the best.

• 14:47Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 14:47Speaker 02

  Just found a corner and then just.

• 14:49Conan O'Brien?

  Chewed the fat. It was really fun.

• 14:50Speaker 02

  There's a safety.

• 14:52Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 14:52Speaker 02

  When you feel it with other comedians that you're like, you know, you're not going to say anything wrong, where no one's going to get mad or not that you would.

• 14:59Conan O'Brien?

  You said two things that were wrong and I got real mad.

• 15:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 15:02Speaker 02

  But those are, you know.

• 15:04Conan O'Brien?

  You said, you said my lips are thin and unappealing.

• 15:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:08Conan O'Brien?

  Talk about my prominent eye vein.

• 15:10Speaker 02

  That's what I told my buddy Nick. I go, I think we gotta get out of here. Conan's pretty upset.

• 15:16Conan O'Brien?

  I've been delighted for everything you've made happen. You are spectacularly funny. You talk a lot about how you're all about normal. You're just a normal person. You're exactly average. And I think you've been very good at comedically exploring that realm. And I understand what you're saying, but you're also not. You are insanely talented. When I watch you do comedy, you have such a natural style that I don't think your heart rate increases at all. When you go from backstage to you get up on stage, I think you burn maybe three calories. Yeah, definitely. And. I put on calories.

• 16:00Conan O'Brien?

  I'm always watching you gain weight, usually around the middle. He's getting bigger. Yeah.

• 16:06Conan O'Brien?

  But you know, there's, and there's such an economy of words. There's not a wasted word anywhere in there, but it appears as if you're just talking about what's on your mind. And I know there's a lot of thinking and work that goes into that. But you make it look like anyone can do this. And I think that in that way, you are anything but average. I think you're quite singular in your ability to do that. The greatest average. Yes, you are. That's what I have a special called The Greatest Average American. Yeah. I was talking about Tennessee with. Well, then, thank you for saying all this stuff. Okay. That's not, yeah. Yeah. I don't know, you're just gonna go into like a Tennessee bit now. It wasn't a bit. And I don't even address it.

• 16:51Conan O'Brien?

  I'm not gonna do a bit. I wasn't gonna do a bit. Hold on a second, let me black out this tooth. Yeah.

• 17:01Conan O'Brien?

  If those revenues come from my still.

• 17:05Conan O'Brien?

  There, I had to get that out. Yeah. Nah, it was good. Well, I meant everything I said, but I also, I love how I don't think, so many people are altered by fame. You seem like someone who has not changed in any way.

• 17:19Speaker 02

  I hope not. I mean, it's, uh, yeah, you just do crazy things. But I live in Nashville. I live, we live in a cul-de-sac. Like, I mean, we, we keep everything as normal as we can.

• 17:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 17:28Speaker 02

  And moving back home was a big part of that. But I appreciate saying that about the words, because it is, it is conversational and people think it's just like, I'm up there just talking. But it's, I'm not a, uh, great, I've never was a crowd work person. I can't. I'm not good with, I don't like, I like knowing what I'm doing. It's very planned.

• 17:47Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 17:47Speaker 02

  And I know what I'm gonna get on with, get out with. I make sure it's all trained. Like, it is, uh, yeah, it's a whole.

• 17:54Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I'm gonna be boring for a second, because this is something I wanna know. And, um, sometimes I think there might be people out there that think, oh, don't, you know, when Conan talks about comedy, or they might think it, it gets too nerdy and in the weeds. But I'd love to know what your process is. Do you, when you think of these ideas, do you sit down and write it out? Or is this something, and you edit it and you work it? Or how does it work? How's, how does Nate Bargatze do this?

• 18:22Speaker 02

  I write the, uh, a lot of times I come up with the funny part first.

• 18:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 18:27Speaker 02

  And so I'll put that maybe in my notes on my phone, but I don't write out outside of that. Then I just think about it and I just, and I'm really big on how you present it and the transitions and how you get, I think that's something that I've learned over time, that it's like the jokes, you know, when you write a script or anything where you wanna go joke? Jokes are the easiest thing for comedians especially. It's like, that's gonna be easy. We can go throw a script down and everybody can pitch 500 jokes on it. But it's making it make sense and making, and that's the flow.

• 18:58Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 18:58Speaker 02

  And that's the part that I'll let it sit in my head. I just kinda think about it all day. And I just, like, there'll be different times. It's like, oh, you know what? I'll put that there. And maybe I grab one that I had a joke. The big one, uh, that I talked about, so I had a joke, uh, buying iced coffee with milk

• 19:15Conan O'Brien?

  Mm-hmm.

• 19:15Speaker 02

  at Starbucks that everybody talks about. So I, I tried originally write it, come up with a joke about how, and with milk. Uh, you don't buy it, like, I never have it unless, like, a woman was in my house.

• 19:27Conan O'Brien?

  Mm-hmm.

• 19:27Speaker 02

  So, my mom, we had milk, and then the little bit, the hour I was, lived alone till I met my wife.

• 19:33Conan O'Brien?

  Mm-hmm.

• 19:34Speaker 02

  Uh, there was no milk.

• 19:36Conan O'Brien?

  Uh-huh.

• 19:36Speaker 02

  And then, back with my wife now, we have milk.

• 19:39Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 19:40Speaker 02

  So, it was just, I try to make that a whole...

• 19:44Conan O'Brien?

  This is the service women provide.

• 19:46Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 19:46Conan O'Brien?

  With them comes milk.

• 19:48Speaker 02

  In many ways.

• 19:49Conan O'Brien?

  In many ways.

• 19:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, they're good, this is what, they have milk, so it's like, they're, it's just in them, you know?

• 19:56Conan O'Brien?

  Ironic that the providers of milk also insist milk be present, but anyway, we'll get into that later.

• 20:00Speaker 02

  Uh, this is funny, this is the part I go, "No, you can leave this in."

• 20:04Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 20:05Speaker 02

  Uh, I'll let you leave it, you can see it.

• 20:07Conan O'Brien?

  Sure, yeah.

• 20:08Speaker 02

  But, anyway, so, it was some, it was the idea of that, and then, I could never make it work as its own joke. So, in that Starbucks joke, I just, I put, like, "I've never bought milk publicly in the history of my life."

• 20:21Conan O'Brien?

  Mm-hmm.

• 20:22Speaker 02

  So, all of that whole, you hope it's gonna be this big chunk, and it's not.

• 20:26Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 20:27Speaker 02

  And it becomes one sentence.

• 20:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 20:28Speaker 02

  In a story, but that, it really expands that story. So, I, I grab a lot of stuff for parts, and you go, "All right, well, that can't, that's, obviously, it's not good." It didn't work as good as, this is the best it's ever worked, to be honest.

• 20:41Conan O'Brien?

  By the way, it's, uh...

• 20:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:43Conan O'Brien?

  And Son is a tough audience, he said, lying.

• 20:45Speaker 02

  Um, uh...

• 20:48Conan O'Brien?

  You, talk about little jokes, you had a, it's a small, it's not like a big hunk, but you have this small run where you talk about, um, how you'd be a terrible time traveler, because you'd go back in time and you wouldn't be able to prove that you were from the future, because you don't know how anything works, and I, the minute you laid out the premise, I, like, lay down on the floor and said, "Okay, I love this premise, because it's true." I mean, I'm, I love jokes about history, and I'm kinda fascinated by history, and I, I work that vein a lot, but I also know that if they sent me back in time, I would be a little... But you talk about how you couldn't prove it because you'd say, oh, no, we have something called cell phones. Well, how do they work? I don't know.

• 21:32Conan O'Brien?

  And I thought the ideas are so fantastic because A, they're true and they're really elegant. And you, obviously, you put yourself down a lot, which appeals to me because I was always very comfortable making fun of myself. If I do find out that I've hurt someone's feelings, if I ever found out that I really did bother Matt or Sona, I think I would be sick to my stomach.

• 21:59Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 22:00Speaker 04

  We should, we should tell you then.

• 22:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 22:01Speaker 04

  Some things.

• 22:02Conan O'Brien?

  Can't hear you. No, my Eduardo just killed the, something's wrong with the.

• 22:05Speaker 01

  I can hear him just fine.

• 22:06Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 22:07Speaker 01

  No, no, I can hear him in the headphone.

• 22:08Conan O'Brien?

  Wire on my end.

• 22:09Speaker 04

  We'll just start making a list.

• 22:10Conan O'Brien?

  But anyway, I know that.

• 22:12Speaker 02

  I agree with that. Yeah, I would feel more mortified if I hurt someone's feelings. And that's why I was, I always wrote it inwardly, like, if you make fun of yourself, you can go as far as you want. There's, there's a, there is a something you gotta, you can't, you gotta, you can make fun of yourself, but you, uh, you have to do it. You just have to show love is what I've learned over time. So like, even if you talk about your family or wife or even yourself, you have to at least show some love. Or people won't go with it. When I first started doing jokes about my wife, which is, it was, I could tell when they, when I was younger, they were like, well, why are you even married? You're like, well, this is not coming out the way it's supposed to be coming out then.

• 22:49Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 22:49Speaker 02

  I need to, and you have to have that balance where I can make fun of her, me, and I kind of do it through me a little bit more. And as long as you're making fun of yourself and putting yourself as the, you know, the loser.

• 23:01Conan O'Brien?

  I think you're right when you talk about love, coming out of it, affection, being good natured about it. I think those are all crucial and you can't come up with that as a formula that I think has to be in you. That has to be part of your personality. And I know you were raised, I mean, you've talked a lot about it. There's probably nothing I can bring up on this podcast that you haven't discussed, but your childhood, your parents having really strong values and imparting that to you.

• 23:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 23:28Conan O'Brien?

  You did this, I mean, this great thing that I thought was hilarious where you're over at friends' houses and you're watching, they're gonna watch a movie that's like.

• 23:37Speaker 02

  Friday the 13th.

• 23:37Conan O'Brien?

  Friday the 13th, and you stood up and said, I cannot watch this.

• 23:44Conan O'Brien?

  You do the jokes, it's really, I mean. I have, I have, I have, I have blanked on it now. Oh, you say, you say. But I know, I say, I'm not allowed to, I don't think I'm allowed to watch this. Yeah, and you're. And I thought other people would join in. Yeah, and you stood up and declared. Cause we were not seventeen, like it said we're supposed to be. Right, you were sixteen and a half. Yeah. But my favorite part, you say that, and the, the woman, the mom there, comes in and says, "Well, maybe we just don't tell your parents," and you said, "Well, that's gonna be hard, "because I just phoned them and they're on their way."

• 24:15Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Such a great joke. Yeah.

• 24:24Conan O'Brien?

  This fall, I wanna try something different.

• 24:26Speaker 01

  What?

• 24:27Conan O'Brien?

  I like to change it up, I like to learn things, so I'm gonna try and make apple cider.

• 24:30Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 24:31Conan O'Brien?

  Every morning.

• 24:31Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 24:32Conan O'Brien?

  This fall, just to see if I can do it.

• 24:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:34Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, fall's the perfect season to try something new, like joining T-Mobile.

• 24:38Speaker 01

  Oh, that's good.

• 24:39Conan O'Brien?

  See what I did?

• 24:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:40Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, there are two hundred and fifty reasons to join T-Mobile right now, you wanna hear what they are?

• 24:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:44Conan O'Brien?

  They're America's best network.

• 24:46Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 24:46Conan O'Brien?

  True story, plus T-Mobile has got off-grid satellite coverage. That comes in really handy, I like to just wander in the woods sometimes.

• 24:53Speaker 01

  Oh, that's weird.

• 24:54Conan O'Brien?

  When I'm thinking about, like, making apple cider, and, uh, that's when it comes in handy. Here's another reason, high-speed data in over two hundred and fifteen countries and destinations. I travel a lot for the.

• 25:03Speaker 01

  You travel a lot.

• 25:03Conan O'Brien?

  Travel show that I do.

• 25:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:05Conan O'Brien?

  Stream this podcast while ignoring local landmarks, that's always fun to do, like, "Oh, look, there's the Mona Lisa, yeah, check it out, I'm in the Louvre, I should, "but I'm listening to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend."

• 25:15Speaker 01

  That doesn't seem like a good idea.

• 25:17Conan O'Brien?

  It's a great idea.

• 25:18Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 25:18Conan O'Brien?

  You know, uh, you can see art anytime, but how often can you listen to this podcast?

• 25:23Speaker 01

  My god.

• 25:24Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 25:25Speaker 01

  What?

• 25:25Conan O'Brien?

  Now, all these reasons make T-Mobile a great choice.

• 25:28Speaker 01

  I agree.

• 25:28Conan O'Brien?

  T-Mobile is stacking up reasons to join, go to T-Mobile dot com and find yours best, "Based on analysis by Ookla of speed test intelligence data, first half of twenty twenty-six, "can't believe I read that, T-Satellite with capable devices in most outdoor areas in the US, "where you can see the sky, high-speed international data with qualifying plan, "visit T-Mobile dot com, consult a physician," I just threw that in there.

• 25:52Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 25:56Conan O'Brien?

  Coca-Cola Zero Sugar is so good. It's almost impossible not to finish it before the meal arrives. It's just too good to wait. That happens to me sometimes.

• 26:05Speaker 03

  Me too.

• 26:05Conan O'Brien?

  You can try rules like no sipping until the appetizer arrives, or you tell your friend, "Don't let me touch my glass." But every time you're staring at an empty glass. So if you've ever finished your Coke Zero before the first fry hits the table, you're among friends. It happens. Occupational hazard with Coke Zero.

• 26:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:23Conan O'Brien?

  Real Coca-Cola taste, zero sugar, too good to wait. Enjoy an ice cold Coca-Cola Zero Sugar today.

• 26:31Speaker 06

  Granger knows. If you're a procurement manager at an industrial manufacturing facility, you're balancing inventory and budget while sourcing critical supplies across the operation. Too much inventory, costs climb. Too little, production slows. Granger's $2 billion in on-hand inventory helps you get what you need when you need it. So you can help keep budgets balanced and lines moving. Call 1-800-GRANGER, click Granger.com, or just stop by. Granger, for the ones who get it done.

• 27:06Conan O'Brien?

  Your stuff is really funny, and I don't see crazy exaggeration in there. A lot of it feels true. I will crazily exaggerate when it's necessary, but I have found that the hardest laughs come out of something that really happened.

• 27:20Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah, and that's the fun part is like trying to figure out how to... Because you can have little moments. And so how do you, like, even in that moment, is like, it's a funny idea that the kid... That I called my parents and then I went home is what really happened. And then, but then it's like, how do you tell that in a way that's like not just a fun, you know, like your friend at his school, "Oh, my kid went into this real fast."

• 27:44Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 27:45Speaker 02

  So it's, and that's the presentation of it. And like tell them on the journey is like, because it's one little thing that you're like, everybody's had happen to them, but it's how do you package it so they go along with it? You know, one joke that I had that I wouldn't tell you is when I did, when you were here in LA, when you first in TBS, and I had a joke about getting in a fight. My buddy... Took a, we took a bite out of his hamburger and then he thought some, he just immediately thought someone else did it. Uh, at the restaurant, he got up to go fight him and we had to like calm him down. And it's a, it's a whole story with, and, but I, uh, this was back when I, I sent that joke into Letterman to do it. And, uh, they told me it was, uh, mundane. And so I had to look up, I didn't know what mundane meant.

• 28:29Speaker 02

  And so I was in my head, I'm like, I bet it's not great. Like, I don't, you know.

• 28:35Conan O'Brien?

  I picture you carrying a dictionary.

• 28:36Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 28:37Conan O'Brien?

  It's on a rope around your neck.

• 28:40Speaker 02

  I looked at it. So mundane wasn't good. It wasn't a flattering thing, but then, uh, I was, you know, I think I just did yours. I couldn't do that. You swear when you're doing all these late nights, but then I went to you and you let me do it. And that always meant the most to me because I told Letterman this, he was mortified. Yeah. I was like.

• 28:57Conan O'Brien?

  I'm glad.

• 28:58Speaker 02

  I was glad too. Like it felt, it was like, uh, I, you know, cause there was a joke that I was like, once I learned what mundane meant. I was like, well, I don't think it's that.

• 29:06Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 29:07Speaker 02

  Uh, but it's, you, you've always let comics, uh, us come on your show and do stand up. And, uh, it was very pro stand up. And so you were.

• 29:16Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, well, uh, I'm, I'm glad it all worked out. The way, my perspective is always different. I've, I've had stand ups, uh, many stand ups thank me for their time on the show. And I think, what are you talking about? You came in Nate, uh, several, four times and you, um, were really funny for six minutes. Made the show better and brought your talent and put your shoulder to the wheel. And that was six minutes that I didn't have to sweat. So it's not that I didn't. You were doing me a favor too.

• 29:45Speaker 02

  That's true.

• 29:46Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, you should present me. Yes. And frankly, I found that story very mundane.

• 29:52Speaker 02

  He told every other writers, we got a mundane one tonight.

• 29:55Conan O'Brien?

  I think I said it in your intro. Our next mundane comic hails from Old Hickory, Tennessee.

• 30:01Speaker 02

  Don't worry folks, he doesn't know what that means.

• 30:05Speaker 02

  I come out, thank you.

• 30:06Conan O'Brien?

  You know what it reminds me of? It reminds me of this great.

• 30:10Conan O'Brien?

  Thank you. You came up and you were holding a dictionary like, what?

• 30:15Conan O'Brien?

  You remind me a lot, and this is the highest compliment I can pay any stand-up or any comedian. You, uh, you remind me a lot of Bob Newhart. In that your stuff is, I'm sure you've heard this before, but very seemingly simple, um, and delivered very quietly and as if it's just occurring to you in a very humble way with a straight face. And the jokes are beautiful. And you just reminded me of a Bob Newhart joke. Bob Newhart has this joke, which is, you know, I don't really like country music, but I don't want to condescend to those people who do. Um, and by the way, if you like country music, condescend means to talk down to. And I always thought like, that is a perfect, I've said this before, but a really good joke.

• 30:58Conan O'Brien?

  You can riff and you can goof around and it's like, there's can be a good spirit to it. But it's very, it's like packing peanuts that come when you open a box. It's, there's not much to it. A really good joke feels like a diamond in your hand. It has weight. It's like a little gold ingot. You can feel it. That's a joke, Newhart's joke, and your jokes feel like, oh, no, no, no. This has actual value. You can write this on a, on a stone and hand it to people and like 500 years from now, it's still going to be funny. You've got so many of them, you're crazily prolific. And I think one of the times you came on our show, you had, I think you came on a second time or a third time pretty quickly after.

• 31:35Speaker 02

  After the first time.

• 31:36Conan O'Brien?

  After the first time, you came back pretty soon and people were saying, well, you can't come back that quickly because.

• 31:42Speaker 02

  My manager told me. I didn't tell them. They, they, well, you just had Malaney. So this is a long story. And Malaney just did it and Malaney came back pretty quick. Uh, like, I mean, like, like, you know, three months or something like that. And so then y'all were doing more auditions as Comedy Club Eastville. And I was like, oh, I want to try to do it again. And then my manager at the time, which they were great. Uh, I mean, they like, but they, they're, they're like some of my favorite managers. Uh, but they all just, it was back in the day, New York days. And they were, uh, they go, you can't do it again. And I was like, why not? And they go, they don't let people come back. I go, well, John Mulaney just came back. Not saying I was even Mulaney, but just like being like, well, I just.

• 32:20Conan O'Brien?

  Give it a shot. Give it a shot.

• 32:21Speaker 02

  And so they go, no. And then I just got the, I was like, well, I'm gonna go try to get on the thing. So I just did the, uh, I, I, I went and did it and, uh, the audition and I got it without them. They found out, I wasn't gonna tell them. I was just trying to see if I could get on the show. And then have them find out with me on the show. Cause they, they, my own managers were like, no. Which is very funny to me. Your own, your own team's like, I wouldn't even try again. He goes, we got lucky with that first one, so let's not, let's not push it.

• 32:51Conan O'Brien?

  You should probably just, you should go work at the steel mill now.

• 32:54Speaker 02

  He goes, John Mulaney did it. You're no John Mulaney. All right? I think we know what we're talking about.

• 33:00Conan O'Brien?

  These are great managers. You wanna do comedy some more? Isn't it something you do once and then you work the fields?

• 33:09Speaker 02

  They were, they're the best.

• 33:11Conan O'Brien?

  Sure, yeah.

• 33:11Speaker 02

  And the best in those stories.

• 33:13Conan O'Brien?

  And I guess you're still not with them.

• 33:14Speaker 02

  I feel bad. No, I'm not with them anymore.

• 33:16Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I guess they really are the best then.

• 33:19Speaker 02

  They're the best. It's, I had the most fun stories. Like it's, it's like, they're, you know, it's when you first get managers where you're like, they're, they're just very fun stories. And so then I went and did it and then they, they, Conan, your people called, which I didn't know they were gonna do. And they go, all right, we got Nate tonight on, whatever. And so then he's like, so you got it? I go, well, you told me I couldn't do it again. And so then he came down and he was, uh, and then we did it.

• 33:46Conan O'Brien?

  And he took a commission on the thing that he didn't get you.

• 33:49Speaker 02

  I like it.

• 33:50Conan O'Brien?

  Trust me, I've had, I experienced it that in the early days. You can't do that. Oh, I understand it's happening. Send the check to 1515 Milshire Boulevard. Okay, you called me a loser. Yes, you are. Send the check just to me, not to anyone else.

• 34:08Speaker 02

  So I used to have another manager that, uh, when I first got it, I would call his office and his, his, his wife was the secretary. And then he would answer the phone, or she would answer it, be like, uh, let me see if he's in. And it would be like 35 minutes, seconds, minute, you'd be waiting and then she'd be like, he's not here. And then one day he invites me to his office. His office is in his garage. And her desk is touching his desk. So then you're like, where were you for the minute? And then I'd.

• 34:40Speaker 02

  It was just, and I had another one where the guy would, he would answer his phone and you could tell it was his voice. And he'd be like, uh, answering for his name. And then you'd be like, oh, is he there? Snake calling? He goes, uh, let me see if he's in. And then you hang up and he, again, you wait a minute and he goes, hey, uh, yeah, I'm in. You're like, yeah, that was you. You're acting like your own secretary.

• 35:07Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to love, in the old days, it was fun. I would, when I got treated like that, to say, well, was it someone else's turn with the phone booth? I was pictured, these people in a phone booth. Yes, yes, it's quite busy here at Talent Co. Called it a good time.

• 35:26Speaker 01

  Hey, buddy, buddy. That's your third quarter. When are you gonna get out of the way so I can make my call? My wife's in labor, come on. My wife's in labor, come on.

• 35:37Conan O'Brien?

  Well, the reason most people don't repeat that quickly is that they build up a really good set and it takes a long time for the well to refill. And to your credit, you're, and I'll say this about John Mulaney too, you guys are crazily prolific. Which brings me to my next point. You have had, uh, I can't walk five feet in America without seeing your face. You are a huge success and I'm wondering how you're processing all of that.

• 36:02Speaker 02

  Uh, yeah, it's very different. Uh, I think you get used to it, or not used to it, but you know, well, some of the hardest parts of this is when you don't know if they know you. Cause then I can't, I don't know what to do. I'm either gonna be a lunatic to this person or like, why is he acting like he has control of the whole room? Or are they our fans? I don't know. So I always thought, well, if I can get everybody to know, then I'm, I'm a little more in control. So if you walk in a room, you can just be like, hey, what's up? And you kind of know they know you.

• 36:31Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 36:31Speaker 02

  So you can kind of make everybody feel like a fun room and we're all friends. And so when you're in that middle phase where it is straight up 50/50, if... You, I can't tell if, are they, you know, do they know, and then you'll be like, I'm a comedian. They're like, yeah, I know. And you're like, well, you gave off like you didn't know at all.

• 36:50Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 36:51Speaker 02

  And so.

• 36:52Conan O'Brien?

  You're screwed either way. If you say, um, hi, yeah, um, I ordered a coffee and it's for Nate Bargatze. Yeah, we know.

• 37:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:01Conan O'Brien?

  You're Nate. And so, but if you say, we ordered a coffee and I think you know who I am. You're a dick too.

• 37:08Speaker 02

  Yes. Yeah, it's a hard balance. In an overall perspective, how I try to handle it, that's a deeper feeling is I really try to remind myself that it's not about me. And so I'm living a life of service. Uh, right before I go on stage, I remind myself, this has nothing to do with me. This is not about me. It's not a celebration to me. It's a show for everybody in that crowd and I need to do the best show for them.

• 37:31Conan O'Brien?

  That's great.

• 37:32Speaker 02

  So that, that's how I've, I, I learned that once I, I did so, uh, starting out, I always wanted to play Bridgestone Arena in Nashville. And it's, uh, our arena. And so, you know, 20 years, I like, I didn't really think I would get there, but I kind of day dreamed it, you know? I was handing out flyers in New York City and all this stuff. And you're coming up and you're like, oh man, what if I can do this one day? And then, uh.

• 37:57Conan O'Brien?

  That was sort of the bucket list thing. I want to do Bridgestone Arena.

• 37:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. It was just kind of far away and you, you know, it's kind of daydream. It's like, I'm not, it's a, it's a goal that your, your goals should actually be simple. They should be like, you'd be embarrassed if you can't get them. And then your dream should be embarrassed to say them out loud. And so you just kind of have your goals are like, I'm trying not to hand out flyers. Well, what do I got to do to stop that? And that's a, that's a realistic goal. Cause you're like, it's just a guy one level.

• 38:23Conan O'Brien?

  It's achievable, right.

• 38:24Speaker 02

  And so you can then figure out, all right, I gotta do this. How do you get on late night? And then once you get in late and you're like, all right, I've kind of got in like, so if I keep doing late night and get TV credits, I can do cruise ships if I have to. Like you can do whatever with, you know, but then when I did Bridgestone and we sold the most tickets ever.

• 38:40Conan O'Brien?

  250 people.

• 38:41Speaker 02

  250 people. It's a big one.

• 38:43Conan O'Brien?

  I just looked it up. It's a very, he says arena and that's cute, but I guess in Nashville.

• 38:49Speaker 02

  It's a, it's a horse arena. There you go. And all seated.

• 38:54Conan O'Brien?

  Talk about a small dream.

• 38:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:56Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, no, how many people is it, Bridgestone Arena?

• 38:57Speaker 02

  Uh, it was nineteen thousand, three hundred and sixty-five. And then so, but it's, that night, I remember having a feeling of like, like, what, what am I, like, what do you, you know, I've been looking at that dream for twenty years. And so then you're like, well, what is there, what am I looking at now? You know, and then you just gotta kind of find, and what I've started with, like, my Nate Land company is like, you just find something else that you, you realize, like, oh, I need to have something else.

• 39:23Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 39:24Speaker 02

  And you put it out there, then have a daydream and do the same, do the same thing, see if it happens.

• 39:30Conan O'Brien?

  This is amazing. You're gonna make, you call it an amusement park?

• 39:34Speaker 02

  Uh, yeah, I guess, I guess. I won't find out.

• 39:37Conan O'Brien?

  Um.

• 39:38Speaker 02

  I'm gonna call it.

• 39:39Conan O'Brien?

  This was not amusing at all.

• 39:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:41Conan O'Brien?

  I was not amused.

• 39:42Speaker 02

  We wanna be a decent park.

• 39:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 39:44Speaker 02

  Just where people.

• 39:47Conan O'Brien?

  You set the bar low.

• 39:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 39:49Conan O'Brien?

  A place you can go.

• 39:51Speaker 02

  We're a little bit above a Buckies. Like, it's Buckies, then we're just a little bit above Buckies.

• 39:56Conan O'Brien?

  A B amusement park.

• 39:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:59Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I mean, good luck with that, and, uh, I just love the idea of you looking at different, people are gonna be making sketches and drawings of different rides and things, and you're gonna be saying, nah.

• 40:10Speaker 02

  No.

• 40:10Conan O'Brien?

  Or, uh, a little more of this.

• 40:13Speaker 02

  A little bit more steeper.

• 40:14Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, steeper, more danger, more danger.

• 40:16Speaker 04

  Is there a mascot? Is it, is there gonna be like a mascot of you?

• 40:19Speaker 02

  No, I don't know. Look, I mean, this is, so this is, we're very early. Obviously, this could all crumble and fall apart and goes nowhere. The idea of it is like theaters. I don't think theaters are, are, like, you know, they're not going away. Like, people love going out and to do stuff, and there's just not stuff for them to go do. So if you can go make movies where a family can go out, I love taking my daughter to the movies. It's a great experience. Uh, a lot of this Hollywood, I would say Hollywood out here, but they've gotten so far off where they're either making an animated movie or a horror movie, and there's nothing really to go to. And then a lot of stuff's on Netflix and other, so you're just kinda at home. So I think experiences is something that, you know, you're seeing even younger kids really want to do. Experiences. They want to go do something.

• 41:04Speaker 02

  You know, the idea of like my, we used to get dropped off at the theme park at Opera Land and you could just go hang out with your friends all day. And you wanna, like, I wanna give that to a parent. Cause that's like, uh, even for that kid, like, they get to go be around their 15 year old friends and

• 41:17Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 41:18Speaker 02

  It's part of growing up and it's the fun aspect and have a safe place for them to go do that where you know you, you know, you can trust they can do it. Like, uh, you know, I like the old timey, like, people worked at Ford, their whole family worked for Ford. Like, you know, the idea of that where people just worked at this company and they had real pride. You see like a older person that worked for like a Ford, they will defend Ford to their death. And I like, I loved, I love the like pride of whatever they did, that it was like a company.

• 41:46Conan O'Brien?

  My first car that I bought was a Ford and, uh, the first new car that I had, I had a lot of crappy old cars.

• 41:53Speaker 02

  Your Ford Taurus?

• 41:53Conan O'Brien?

  My Ford Taurus. Yeah. And guess what? They just found it. Um.

• 41:58Speaker 02

  It was, uh, involved in a crime. Did you try to take it for insurance reasons?

• 42:01Conan O'Brien?

  No, I'm telling you, this is a true story. Three days ago, I get, uh, a message from Jason Chalamet, who's been with me forever, who's my right hand. And he said, he said he knew someone who worked over at Warner Brothers and he asked them to drop by this, their parking garage and just look around and they sent back photos of the 92 Ford Taurus that I owned, that I had through, I had, I got that show, I, I mean, I got that, uh, show. It is a show. It's a super high output. Uh, I got that Ford Taurus. I got that Ford Taurus, um, when my, my twenties and I had submitted a packet to The Simpsons and didn't know what was gonna happen. And I was so cautious about money, but I just decided I'm getting a new car and I get a 92 Ford Taurus.

• 42:45Conan O'Brien?

  And, um, then I got the job with The Simpsons. So that became my car in LA and, uh, I had all these adventures in that car and it became a standard thing that everyone knew about me.

• 42:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:56Conan O'Brien?

  And it always got a laugh. It would come up a lot of times with celebrities where they would say, well, I drive a, I just got a new Ferrari or something. They go, what do you drive, Conan? I'd say 1992 Ford Taurus SHO. Super high output. And it would get a laugh. And I'd be like, no, I'm being honest. That's what I really have.

• 43:11Speaker 02

  What are you gonna do with it now that?

• 43:12Conan O'Brien?

  I wanna get it. I wanna chronicle this, but I want to get it rehabbed and bring it back. And I'm so excited. It is covered in grime. This person took photos, which we can post. It is covered in dust, but it's got its inspection sticker from 1992. Um, yeah.

• 43:31Speaker 02

  It was just on a lot?

• 43:32Conan O'Brien?

  It's in the parking garage at this moment at Warner Brothers. I don't know why they haven't towed it away. Um, it's got, we did a bit with it when I went through the whole Tonight Show thing, where I'm coming to work and I assure the audience, and I think he has a little tension with NBC right now. And we shot this thing where I pull in to, uh, to the parking lot and suddenly all this gunfire breaks out. And all these squibs went off of my car and it blew holes in my car.

• 43:56Speaker 02

  Are those holes still there?

• 43:57Conan O'Brien?

  Their holes are still there. And its claim to fame is that the, um, clutch is stripped because Brad Pitt did a bit with it once and got in it and, and peeled out, which I didn't know he was gonna do. Um, it's got a stick shift and he's, it's this Ford Taurus with a stick shift. That's the novelty. And he peeled out in this thing like the F1, you know, Superman that he is. And later on I noticed, oh, the clutch is all fucked. Brad Pitt fucked up my Ford Taurus. And who can say that? Brad Pitt fucked up my Ford Taurus. So I wanna bring it back. Maybe you and I'll take a ride around.

• 44:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, I would love it. I like a stick shift. I have a stick shift.

• 44:34Conan O'Brien?

  I do too. Yeah.

• 44:36Speaker 02

  I would, I'd joke, if you ever wanna, uh, if you wanna valet and leave your car up front, just drive a stick shift. Cause they don't.

• 44:43Conan O'Brien?

  They don't wanna.

• 44:44Speaker 02

  Like, I mean, no, if they're younger, they don't know how to do it. And if they're lucky, they got like a cook in the kitchen. That's like, that hasn't done, like, he goes out, he's like, alright, everybody turn around. Don't look at me. No one, no one look at what I'm doing. Cause he's gotta get back into it. He used to, it's how he learned, but he's like, give me a second. It's been a while. Turn your back.

• 45:04Conan O'Brien?

  Hold on.

• 45:07Conan O'Brien?

  Put buckets over your head. I have to ask you because um, a couple of things. One, you talk a lot about these restaurants that were your favorites when you were a kid and they're still your favorites. Like you talk a lot about Applebee's, places like that. And I was thinking, I relate to this because when I first came out to LA, I think I was pretty, I was not a worldly person, but I remember when I first, when I get out of college, I come out to LA and I was so excited. There was a Denny's across the street from where I worked and I could, I remembered it dawning on me, no one's in charge of me anymore and I'm making my own money. I can go to Denny's anytime I want. And I felt like I was the, the king of the Nile, you know?

• 45:52Conan O'Brien?

  I felt like the greatest, and I would go over there and I'd be like, I'll have an extra large Coke and no one can stop me. And I'm 22. You'd think I'd have been a little more sophisticated, but I, I've always had a soft spot.

• 46:06Speaker 02

  I relate to that so much. I think I have a big problem because of that reason. Like it was like getting uh, all this fast, I like, not that you can't eat it, but I eat it so much and it's that aspect, cause no one can tell me I can't do it.

• 46:19Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 46:20Speaker 02

  Cause growing, growing up, if you went to McDonald's or went out to eat, it was kind of like a big night. It wasn't like you weren't, you weren't getting it all the time.

• 46:28Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 46:29Speaker 02

  So it was a big deal. And then once I, you live on your own and you make your own money and then you're like, I can just go, I mean, I can go to McDonald's like at any point. And now we've uh, gone down a little slippery slope.

• 46:42Conan O'Brien?

  I had, my dad was a lovely man and never got angry, but when he did get angry, it was always about the smallest thing. And I remember, my brother Justin tells me this story, but he got us food from McDonald's and we came in and we were, I mean, again, I cannot stress enough what a lovely man my dad was and um, but he starts unpacking all the McDonald's food and then he realizes he got the chicken McNuggets, but the guy forgot to put sauce in and he's looking around for the sauce and he's getting more and more uptight and you can see him gritting his teeth. And then he, he opens up the bag and the kid forgot to put the sauce in and he just, he starts shiver, like shivering with anger and he just went, shithead!

• 47:28Conan O'Brien?

  This is a guy who if I came in and said, "Dad, I just totaled the family station wagon." He'd be like, "Well, I'm glad you're safe." But it was the smallest thing.

• 47:41Speaker 02

  If you wrap your head because of your, once you accept that you're gonna do this too. It's like, that's what's so frustrating. When you're like, "I'm gonna eat chicken nuggets." I was like, "Oh, honey mustard."

• 47:50Conan O'Brien?

  And I'm gonna have that sweet and sour sauce.

• 47:51Speaker 02

  Sweet and sour sauce, whatever. They got hot mustard. I'm a big fan of hot mustard. But then, yeah, and you just have it all pictured. And then when it's not there, the only reason you're eating chicken nuggets is for the sauce.

• 48:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:02Speaker 02

  You're not eating them for...

• 48:02Conan O'Brien?

  They're just a vessel. I can get chicken anywhere.

• 48:05Speaker 01

  Eat a dry nug?

• 48:06Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 48:07Speaker 01

  Hard pass.

• 48:07Speaker 02

  Are your, yeah, your house ketchup, like, you're just like, so disappointing.

• 48:13Conan O'Brien?

  No, I know that my dad, a very good man, is in heaven right now. And God is saying to him, "You led an exemplary life." But about the McNuggets moment. And my dad is probably holding his ground.

• 48:28Speaker 02

  No, he's in heaven. He's just eating all the sauce.

• 48:30Conan O'Brien?

  But you know what makes my dad angry? The guy's up there too. He died two years later in a terrible shootout. I made that up. I don't know what happened to that kid.

• 48:38Speaker 02

  They have one job.

• 48:39Conan O'Brien?

  I think your dad murdered him.

• 48:40Speaker 02

  Well, God, they have one job.

• 48:41Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. I have to bring up what I believe is the Washington sketches. They gotta be in the Smithsonian. Those are, those are works of art. I was blown away by that, as was everyone. I was so happy that it went viral. I was curious before this interview and I checked it out. It's like 28 million people have watched it. I mean, it's just, uh, and it's great because it's all true. That's what I love about it. It's all true. And in that New Heart spirit, all of it is exactly accurate. And it's touching on some really powerful stuff with Keenan. And it's done just perfectly. It's just, it's really, uh...

• 49:23Speaker 02

  Well, I mean, Streeter and Mikey. Streeter said, "I don't like you, Dave."

• 49:26Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 49:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:27Conan O'Brien?

  Just great. Just really great. And, um... Is it fun? When you go out there with a sketch that good, it must be really fun to do that in front of a crowd at SNL.

• 49:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, that's.

• 49:36Conan O'Brien?

  Especially the first time, you know?

• 49:38Speaker 02

  Well, it almost didn't make it because during the table read, I did it and I'm like, I'm so, I just, you know, used to performing for a live audience. So when it's just everybody's kind of quiet and you're reading, like, I'm not reading it very fun because it's like, it's just awkward. And so when we got for the dress rehearsals, it was on the maybe side and I really liked it. And I was like, because I knew, I was like, it'll do good once I'm in front of a crowd. Like, I just need, yeah, like, timing, you know, it's hard to have timing. And Lauren put it in at the, uh, he was like, all right, we can try it last. And then we tried it last and dressers wanted to destroy and then move up to third.

• 50:14Conan O'Brien?

  Now, here's my pet peeve. Did Lauren enunciate? He, Lauren reads the stage directions at the read through?

• 50:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:19Conan O'Brien?

  Did he enunciate or was he eating food at the time?

• 50:21Speaker 02

  He gives popcorn, a little popcorn.

• 50:24Conan O'Brien?

  Popcorn. He used to have popcorn and he used to have like carrots. And you'd work all night on a sketch and be like, this is a perfect sketch. And then I'd forget. It depends. But Lauren, if he was in a, having the little hankering for something, you, you know, like, we, we open on and then crunch, crunch, crunch.

• 50:43Speaker 01

  I love that you still remember.

• 50:44Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I do. And I'd be like, swallow and then say the directions. And it'd be a key direction, like, what the, the audience sees immediately that he's dressed as an astronaut. And Lauren would say, the audience sees immediately.

• 50:55Conan O'Brien?

  And then, uh, people aren't laughing because they don't know he's an astronaut. And then we pan to.

• 51:05Speaker 02

  They don't know he's an astronaut. Why is he in space?

• 51:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 51:09Speaker 02

  It's a moon landing.

• 51:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. No, read, read it yourself. Don't just listen to Lauren.

• 51:16Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, if he had been eating, they wouldn't have known that you're George Washington and you're talking to the troops.

• 51:23Conan O'Brien?

  Hello, my people. This isn't funny. This blows. Who cares about weights and measures?

• 51:31Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, you're hosting the Emmys.

• 51:33Speaker 02

  I am.

• 51:33Conan O'Brien?

  They are very lucky to have you and you're gonna have a blast.

• 51:38Speaker 02

  I'm excited. That's what I wanted to, yeah, talk about. You killed it on the Oscars. So it was, it was, it was very fun that night too to see you just because it was like so perfect and it was so fun. And then it was like, it seemed like after that party, like you're just like, oh yeah. You know, when you're like, this dude killed it. Like it was the best.

• 51:55Conan O'Brien?

  That was fun.

• 51:56Speaker 02

  And, uh, yeah.

• 51:57Conan O'Brien?

  But then Bing, you're gonna, you're, they're fortunate. We're in an era where not everybody, the good people don't always get to do it. And I think it's great that you're doing it. I think you're gonna have, you're gonna have a really fun time and people are gonna be very happy that you're doing it. So.

• 52:12Speaker 02

  Well, thank you. Yeah, I'm excited. Is there any, like, you know, I've not watched all the shows. That's the, that's the part I gotta get on that.

• 52:20Conan O'Brien?

  Oh yeah, you gotta watch the shows and, uh.

• 52:22Speaker 02

  I know this, I mean, I know generally.

• 52:25Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, you just.

• 52:26Speaker 02

  I've seen all the commercials. I feel like that should count. Is that enough?

• 52:30Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, just only the commercials.

• 52:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 52:32Conan O'Brien?

  You should do all your jokes about the commercials that air around the shows.

• 52:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 52:37Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, because if you make yourself happy, it's gonna be fantastic. And that's the only thing. The only trick is make yourself happy.

• 52:46Speaker 02

  We have some pretty fun ideas, uh, for some stuff. So I, I'm looking forward to it and it's, the monologue is, uh, you know, that's just with do, kinda doing stand up. So it's like I'm, I'm looking at, uh, luckily I have had, I had a couple of jokes that I had that kinda can fit in, uh, this kind of scenario. So then you're gonna be able to put that in there and then, uh, just really work on the monologue and, uh, you know, it's like, I think we have some sketch stuff because you don't have as much time as you.

• 53:15Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 53:15Speaker 02

  Think. That's what's, I think it's like 12 minutes or something like that.

• 53:19Conan O'Brien?

  You know what the thing is? It's not.

• 53:20Speaker 02

  Total.

• 53:21Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 53:21Speaker 02

  So that's every, like, like.

• 53:23Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I think you can get more because you're Nate Bargatze. I think you can get more time, but.

• 53:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, you don't wanna be.

• 53:29Conan O'Brien?

  No, exactly. But the other thing is, um, I always remind myself the times I've done award shows. When I would do the Emmys or when the Oscars, I'd always remind myself. This is not my show.

• 53:40Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 53:41Conan O'Brien?

  This show is about other people. I'm here to perform a very specific job. Because people would come up to me and say, hey, why didn't you, why don't you switch the categories of like, hey, it's not my, you know, how come this takes so long? Or what was that about? And like, it's not my show. My job is to just do the best I can with the time I have and really try and make it fun. And so, um, yeah, it's not a lot of time when you boil it down. It's less time than people think it is.

• 54:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:05Conan O'Brien?

  But, uh, you're gonna have, you're gonna have a great night and you should just enjoy it.

• 54:10Speaker 02

  Uh, I, I tell you what, I've been very happy with CBS, like, because we, like, we had, we were shooting some promos. And, uh, some of the jokes that they, that, like, some of the producers and they have written, were very, very funny and self-deprecating. And I could tell they were written with me in mind and like my. So, uh, I was very, you know, excited to be like, you know what? I think CBS is, like, they get it. And they're gonna, at least for this Emmy, like, they're, they understand and like, they're being like, yeah, just go be you. And I don't feel like there's any, uh, you know, just from that phase of, and the promos we shot were very funny, I think, too.

• 54:48Conan O'Brien?

  They're, uh, it's real simple.

• 54:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:50Conan O'Brien?

  They know that they have a great host. They do. They know that and they want you to be happy. So, make yourself happy with everything you do on this show and it's gonna be the best Emmys ever. Seriously. So, um, honored to have you here. I'm so happy for you.

• 55:07Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 55:08Conan O'Brien?

  You're a great guy and you're crazily talented and, um, I'd love to, I'm gonna get that tourist repurposed.

• 55:16Speaker 02

  I'd love to do it.

• 55:17Conan O'Brien?

  And I'm taking you to the Denny's in Gower Gulch.

• 55:19Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 55:20Conan O'Brien?

  In, uh, in, in, uh, in Hollywood, which is where I used to go back in 1985 when I was just getting started.

• 55:27Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 55:28Conan O'Brien?

  And, uh, it was, and I ate hundreds of pounds of food there. Very quickly.

• 55:33Speaker 01

  Exactly the same, too. They haven't, we've done anything to that place.

• 55:37Conan O'Brien?

  I thought I went back when we were doing the podcast. You and I went back.

• 55:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, we did.

• 55:41Conan O'Brien?

  And we had a feast.

• 55:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:42Conan O'Brien?

  This was like four years ago. Son and I were in this Denny's four years ago and we had a blast.

• 55:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was fun.

• 55:49Conan O'Brien?

  And I was like, you know, I used to come here. And they're like, we don't care. I sat right over there. Okay, knock yourself out Conan. But continued success with everything.

• 55:59Speaker 02

  Hey, thank you so much.

• 56:00Conan O'Brien?

  And please come back anytime you want to talk about anything because I'm your biggest fan.

• 56:04Speaker 02

  Uh, yeah, I would love that. Thank you. Thank you for everything you've done in my career. You played way more of a part than you might think you did, but you've played a giant part in my career, so.

• 56:13Conan O'Brien?

  I'm very aware of what I've done for you. And now that you're in the big money, I want compensation.

• 56:19Conan O'Brien?

  Six hundred dollars.

• 56:21Speaker 02

  I'll fix the, I'll fix the clutch. I'll fix the clutch on the tour.

• 56:25Conan O'Brien?

  Deep hit the clutch. All right Nate, take care.

• 56:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, buddy.

• 56:36Conan O'Brien?

  Coca-Cola Zero Sugar is so good, it's almost impossible not to finish it before the meal arrives. It's just too good to wait. That happens to me sometimes. Me too. You can try rules like no sipping until the appetizer arrives, or you tell your friend, "Don't let me touch my glass." But every time you're staring at an empty glass. So if you've ever finished your Coke Zero before the first fry hits the table, you're among friends. It happens. Occupational hazard with Coke Zero. Yeah. Real Coca-Cola taste, zero sugar, too good to wait. Enjoy an ice cold Coca-Cola Zero Sugar today.

• 57:14Conan O'Brien?

  So now, you have to admit, the holidays, it's really about hanging with the people you love. Yeah. And getting to be yourself, not going to some stuffy holiday party where you need to conform to what the man wants you to think about the holidays. Yeah. Yeah, it's about being yourself. Turn your holiday time into Miller time by enjoying a Miller Lite in a place where you're free to enjoy yourself on a walk with a cousin. With a cousin? Why are they getting all specific about? Because it's family. But what about a niece or a nephew? Yeah.

• 57:45Conan O'Brien?

  Like a walk with an ex-wife. I don't know. I mean, they're just throwing, that's a weird, they just made a very specific choice.

• 57:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:52Conan O'Brien?

  Now's the time for those unexpected holiday side guests and enjoy a great tasting light beer. 'Tis Miller time, as Dickens wrote. Miller Lite is brewed for taste, the taste you can depend on. The original light beer since 1975 and still iconic more than 50 years later. I like to be with my bros, my chums, my posse, crack open a Miller Lite, take a swig, a sip, look around and see my friends. We've known each other forever and we're just hanging out.

• 58:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, you guys are just doing chest bumps and high-fiving.

• 58:22Conan O'Brien?

  Miller Lite is great taste done right. Go to millerlite.com/conan to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. 'Tis Miller time. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

• 58:42Conan O'Brien?

  This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. BetterHelp therapists can help you figure out what rules or traditions aren't serving you and how to rewrite them. And with insurance, many members pay $15 or less. Some pay $0. BetterHelp, they do a great job. You're in good hands. BetterHelp therapists are fully licensed in the United States with at least three years and 1,000 hours of hands-on experience. When it comes to matching with a therapist, BetterHelp does the initial work for you. Just take a short questionnaire to help identify your needs. And if you're not happy with your match, this is the best part. A lot of people think, oh my God, this is the person I've signed up with. I need to make this work. That's not the case. If it's not a good match, you switch to a different

• 59:24Conan O'Brien?

  therapist at any time from BetterHelp's tailored recommendations. BetterHelp is now in network with more than 125 health plans with many copays as low as $15 for eligible members. And if you don't have eligible insurance or live outside the US, you can still get 20% off your first month. Sign up and get 20% off at betterhelp.com/conan. That's better H E L P dot com slash Conan.

• 59:55Conan O'Brien?

  Three, two.

• 59:56Speaker 01

  I'm not saying no one says it that way.

• 59:58Conan O'Brien?

  And we're back, we're back. And this is now a segment out of nowhere that's happening because Sona won't stop talking about this. Sona goes back on the attack about how you can't milk these nuts. I explained that, yeah, I think you can. Matt, this is quite unusual, came in on my side. And then Eduardo.

• 1:00:20Speaker 03

  I said, um, sorry, I'm in tears over what Blay. Well, let's recon- we gotta cover that.

• 1:00:25Conan O'Brien?

  Guys, let's reconstruct what just happened in Dealey Plaza so that the listeners know what's happening.

• 1:00:30Speaker 03

  Get out the red yarn.

• 1:00:31Conan O'Brien?

  Go ahead.

• 1:00:33Speaker 03

  In Spanish, uh, you know.

• 1:00:35Conan O'Brien?

  Are you gonna be okay, Eduardo?

• 1:00:37Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:00:37Conan O'Brien?

  You're crying.

• 1:00:38Speaker 03

  I am. It's referred to as leche.

• 1:00:41Speaker 01

  It, it.

• 1:00:41Conan O'Brien?

  What is it?

• 1:00:42Speaker 03

  Uh, you know, sperm, male sperm. Nut milk. It's referred to as milk. Yeah.

• 1:00:47Speaker 04

  But why are you quibbling? Because your whole thesis is premised upon the fact that you're a woman saying suck my dick.

• 1:00:53Speaker 01

  No, I'm saying you can't milk a dick.

• 1:00:55Conan O'Brien?

  You can!

• 1:00:57Speaker 04

  But you can't suck your dick.

• 1:00:58Conan O'Brien?

  Eduardo, whose side are you on?

• 1:01:00Speaker 03

  I'm uncoated.

• 1:01:01Speaker 01

  Well, this is the United States of America. I understand what they do in Mexico, but you can't milk.

• 1:01:06Speaker 04

  It's metaphorical.

• 1:01:07Speaker 01

  No one, no guy says, "Bee, milk this bitch."

• 1:01:10Conan O'Brien?

  You don't know that. What do guys that work on the farm routinely probably refer, you know, who knows what they say? But what I'm- Blay, what did you have?

• 1:01:20Speaker 04

  Well, Blay came in very earnestly.

• 1:01:22Speaker 03

  Well, I was just saying, they have almond milk. They have a thing called almond milk.

• 1:01:27Conan O'Brien?

  The milk of the nut.

• 1:01:28Speaker 03

  The milk of the nut.

• 1:01:29Conan O'Brien?

  You're referring to the testicles as nuts and they have their own milk.

• 1:01:33Speaker 01

  No, he's talking about almond.

• 1:01:35Conan O'Brien?

  No, I know he is, but what I'm saying is, he- Blay has come in with the proof. That nuts can yield milk.

• 1:01:44Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:01:44Conan O'Brien?

  We now have the evidence that in Mexico.

• 1:01:47Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:01:48Conan O'Brien?

  Courtesy of Eduardo.

• 1:01:49Speaker 04

  I'll let them know America, by the way.

• 1:01:50Conan O'Brien?

  Sperm is called, referred to sometimes as leche.

• 1:01:53Speaker 04

  So it's literal and figuratively, there's precedents. There's literal and figurative precedents.

• 1:01:57Speaker 01

  You can't, but no, I'm saying you can't say it in like a sexual way, like, hey, I have a bag of mom's milked these nuts.

• 1:02:03Conan O'Brien?

  Why can't you?

• 1:02:04Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:02:04Conan O'Brien?

  Why can't you?

• 1:02:05Speaker 01

  Because we're talking about it in the sexual sa- I don't say suck my dick in like a, like a, like a dick is a guy I'm with and I'm like, suck dick.

• 1:02:15Conan O'Brien?

  What? What are you, are you having a breakdown?

• 1:02:18Speaker 04

  I know, but we weren't also, we weren't speaking sexually.

• 1:02:20Speaker 01

  Yes, you were. You were saying milk these nuts in a sexual way.

• 1:02:24Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 1:02:25Speaker 01

  You meant, you meant, you meant jizz it.

• 1:02:28Conan O'Brien?

  Jizz it?

• 1:02:30Speaker 01

  You mean milk these nuts?

• 1:02:32Conan O'Brien?

  What's wrong with you? Jizz it? I was simply saying, and it wasn't in a sexual way, it was someone who had gone to, you know, a center to have their sperm harvested so that they could use it to one day have a child.

• 1:02:49Speaker 04

  Not me. A farmer gets on a little three-legged stool and I just stand there.

• 1:02:55Conan O'Brien?

  You were a cowbell.

• 1:02:57Speaker 01

  What are we talking about?

• 1:02:58Conan O'Brien?

  What I'm saying is an ejaculation does not have to be sexual. You know, it just doesn't.

• 1:03:03Speaker 04

  Wait, what?

• 1:03:05Speaker 01

  You are talking about sperm.

• 1:03:06Speaker 04

  Now you've lost me. What do you mean? It could be journalistic? What, what do you mean?

• 1:03:11Conan O'Brien?

  Like, when I read Robert Caro's first book on Lyndon Johnson, I ejaculated several times. As a place marker. I didn't have a bookmark. And later on, I'm like, where was I? Oh, right. The new deal. Here it is.

• 1:03:28Speaker 04

  But the pages would all stick together.

• 1:03:30Conan O'Brien?

  They don't all stick together. And you know what? They have to know what to do. You use a green tea to get it off. Great. Guys, I don't want to be taking down a path, which I don't think is right for anyone to listen to. But I am just telling you, Sona, that we have once and for all proven, and this is a rare alliance. This is a really rare alliance. You've got, over there, you've got Putin with Eduardo. You've got Zelensky over here with Matt. And I'm Trump. And the three of us are in agreement that you can milk these nuts.

• 1:04:02Conan O'Brien?

  Mic drop.

• 1:04:03Speaker 04

  Oh, boy.

• 1:04:03Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:04Speaker 04

  You got that one.

• 1:04:06Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, we sure did. And you're with me on this one, aren't you, Eduardo? I mean, Eduardo is, and what about you, Blay? Just say yes.

• 1:04:12Speaker 04

  Yes, I don't even know what we're... I'm not sure what the alliance... Yes, I'm into it.

• 1:04:17Conan O'Brien?

  Just join the alliance.

• 1:04:18Speaker 04

  I'm into it, I guess.

• 1:04:20Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:21Speaker 05

  Honestly, the only thing going through my head right now is I was at the first day of school with a bunch of 12-year-old parents.

• 1:04:27Speaker 04

  Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Let's hear it.

• 1:04:30Speaker 05

  All I can think about is that I talked to a mom I had never met before, and she, like, found out what I did, and she was like, "Oh, our whole family listens to the podcast."

• 1:04:38Speaker 04

  Oh, no. Turn it off.

• 1:04:40Speaker 05

  And so that's all I can think about right now.

• 1:04:42Speaker 04

  Turn it off.

• 1:04:44Speaker 05

  And I'm really sorry, Giles, who's the listener.

• 1:04:46Conan O'Brien?

  Sorry, Giles.

• 1:04:47Speaker 05

  The 12-year-old who listens.

• 1:04:48Conan O'Brien?

  Sorry, you shouldn't listen to this, and don't milk these nuts. You'll go blind. Well, that's all our time today. Oh, wait a minute, that's not how podcasts work.

• 1:04:58Speaker 04

  Definitely, we're out of time.

• 1:04:59Conan O'Brien?

  All right, well, I guess we did some good work today. Mic.

• 1:05:06Speaker 04

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

• 1:05:26Speaker 04

  Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnik. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

• 1:06:16Conan O'Brien?

  Technology can generate salary recommendations in seconds, but building an offer that lands skilled talent, that takes more than just an estimate you came up with.

• 1:06:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're right.

• 1:06:26Conan O'Brien?

  That's where Robert Half's new 2027 Salary Guide can help.

• 1:06:30Speaker 01

  That's good.

• 1:06:30Conan O'Brien?

  Did we use a salary guide with you, Sona?

• 1:06:32Speaker 01

  Uh, no, but maybe-

• 1:06:33Conan O'Brien?

  For several years, I just gave you groceries, remember?

• 1:06:36Speaker 01

  I know, yeah, I remember that. That was not good.

• 1:06:38Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, well, anyway, now you got Robert Half's new 2027 Salary Guide. As a staffing firm placing talent every day, Robert Half combines compensation data with the experience of local recruiters so you can hire with the confidence that comes from experience. The new Robert Half Salary Guide is here. Visit roberthalf.com/salaryguide.

• 1:07:00Conan O'Brien?

  When you hear Alka-Seltzer, you probably think heartburn, right?

• 1:07:02Speaker 04

  Yep.

• 1:07:03Conan O'Brien?

  Well, did you know Alka-Seltzer has a line of cold and flu medications known as Alka-Seltzer Cold? Did you know that, David?

• 1:07:10Speaker 04

  No, but I feel like we need it.

• 1:07:11Conan O'Brien?

  Why didn't you know that, David?

• 1:07:12Speaker 04

  I know, you expect me to know everything.

• 1:07:14Conan O'Brien?

  I knew this because I-

• 1:07:16Speaker 04

  Did you?

• 1:07:16Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I've tried it, it's really good. And I like that fizzy, fizzy, fizzy when you drop the Alka-Seltzer Cold into the water. Alka-Seltzer Cold Fast Dissolves Tablets are designed to deliver cold and flu relief fast. Just drop the two tablets in water and hear those bubbles bursting into action, ready to work faster than pills. Bubbles faster than pills. Pills take time to dissolve, not bubbles. Next time a cold or flu strikes, quick! Alka-Seltzer Cold: Nothing works faster for cold and flu symptom relief. Among oral products used as directed.