Chris Fleming

Comedian Chris Fleming feels in the constant threat of physical danger about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Chris sits down with Conan to discuss the 2022 Crandelier, injuring himself doing Irish step dance, and how he handles an audience that refuses to come along for the ride. Later, Conan drags Aaron Bleyaert into tribunal over his aggressive sparkling seltzer consumption. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: (669) 587-2847.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Conan O'Brien?

  The holidays are supposed to be about making memories, not managing the mess that comes with them. Between winter weather, road trips, shopping and family gatherings, your vehicle can take a beating. Mine sure does.

• 0:13Speaker 01

  Same.

• 0:14Conan O'Brien?

  Especially when I'm back in the Northeast, driving around. I mean, I grew up with that.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:18Conan O'Brien?

  Cars were red, the salt on the road, people throwing rocks at me.

• 0:22Speaker 01

  Whaaat?

• 0:23Conan O'Brien?

  That's not a weather thing. That's more of a me being, making people angry. Problem. WeatherTech helps protect your vehicle from snow, slush, salt and seasonal messes. They also make the best gifts for automobile protection, from floor liners and cargo liner to side window deflectors, even gift cards. Great for today and to prevent future messes. Everything is built to last, easy to clean and designed for harsh winter conditions, okay? I grew up with this.

• 0:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:49Conan O'Brien?

  And the salt would eat away the car. We actually did have a Chevy. My dad had a Chevy Impala and the floor rusted out and you could see the road going by.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  Oh, what?

• 0:58Conan O'Brien?

  We were praying for WeatherTech and we didn't even know it. That was before it existed.

• 1:02Speaker 01

  That's cool.

• 1:03Conan O'Brien?

  So get a gift today at weathertech.com.

• 1:09Conan O'Brien?

  Now Sona, clearly I'm a very important person to you.

• 1:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:12Conan O'Brien?

  Just accept the premise and we'll move ahead.

• 1:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:14Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a very important person to you. What would you get me from Macy's for the holidays?

• 1:20Speaker 01

  A vase.

• 1:22Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't want a vase. I want something better.

• 1:24Speaker 01

  A jacket.

• 1:26Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, nice jacket. I love a nice jacket.

• 1:27Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, that jacket, nice jacket.

• 1:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, so now you have to do it. Cause you said you would.

• 1:30Speaker 01

  Aw man, I didn't know you were doing that. I didn't know you were trapping me.

• 1:33Conan O'Brien?

  I know the holidays are months away, but it's never too early, Sona, to find gifts that I will love, gifts I will wear and surprises that make the season unforgettable for me.

• 1:44Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:44Conan O'Brien?

  Macy's Gift Guide makes holiday shopping easy with beauty favorites, stylish fashion, jewelry, cozy essentials, must-have toys, home upgrades and picks for every person on your list. Coach handbags, Breville appliances, Lego UG, and more all in one place. You can skip the scrolling and shop with confidence. Shop now in-store or online at macy's.com/giftguide.

• 2:09Speaker 02

  Hi, my name is Chris Fleming.

• 2:14Speaker 02

  And I feel in the constant threat of physical danger being Conan O'Brien's friend.

• 2:18Conan O'Brien?

  And you should. And you should, Chris Fleming.

• 2:43Conan O'Brien?

  Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined by my squad. Sonam Afshesi and Matt Gurley, how you guys doing? Hi.

• 2:51Speaker 01

  I'm good. We're good.

• 2:52Conan O'Brien?

  As you know, I am confounded by the world around me.

• 2:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:57Conan O'Brien?

  So much has changed so rapidly. And I, like a lot of people, find myself sometimes going down an Instagram hole. Really? And I think a lot of people do that. But I've found sometimes that, oh my god, I just lost 20 minutes of my life. And I have very specific interests. I mean, I'm a Beatles fanatic, but I also love guitar. I love, there are these different things, vintage Batman clips from the 60s. So Instagram is starting to know me and they're firing these different ads at me. And a lot of them are for, oh, here's a cool little mini guitar neck that you can take on an airplane flight so you can practice chord shapes. And it connects to your phone. And the magic is, all these ads that I get sucked into are very tempting

• 3:40Conan O'Brien?

  because everything's about like $48 or, you know, it's all an amount where you think, oh, that's harmless. It's a water pick that can go in your back pocket that, you know, cleans your teeth and it takes an AA, everything takes like a double A battery. So I, I don't know, they're starting to figure out who I am, Instagram, I say they, but Instagram, the algorithm is figuring out who I am. And so this is very disturbing. Lately, I started getting bombarded with these ads for something that converts any bottle in your car into something that you can urinate into. And it's... And so if you're on like a, if you're driving and you're stuck in LA traffic,

• 4:21Conan O'Brien?

  as one can be, you can snap this thing onto the mouth of an empty bottle and it fits snugly over your equipment. And yeah, there's also a vibrate mode. Hello. No, no, it's just for urinating into a bottle. And I've, I don't have that problem or anything, but I keep getting this ad and I'm thinking, what about me screams, I, I need to urinate into a bottle in my car.

• 4:47Speaker 03

  It would have to be what you're watching on Instagram.

• 4:49Conan O'Brien?

  I know, but I mean.

• 4:50Speaker 03

  You're watching piss contest.

• 4:53Conan O'Brien?

  I'm not. I swear to God, I'm not. I don't know why this is coming after me. And everything else that I get, a lot of it's guitar stuff and a lot of it's, they know I like kind of gadgety things.

• 5:04Speaker 02

  Your phone also listens to you. So maybe if you just said once, I really have to use the bathroom.

• 5:09Speaker 03

  Or I'm really into peeing in a bottle.

• 5:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, or maybe, but who's the guy in The Aviator again that Leonardo DiCaprio played?

• 5:16Conan O'Brien?

  Howard Hughes.

• 5:16Speaker 01

  Howard Hughes. Remember he just.

• 5:17Conan O'Brien?

  He saved his urine.

• 5:18Speaker 01

  He just saved his urine. Maybe you come off as the urine saving guy.

• 5:23Conan O'Brien?

  That's possible. No, and I'm open to, I'm not defensive on this topic at all. I didn't know if it was an ageist thing, because I'm not the youngest one in the room right now. And I, I didn't know if it's that.

• 5:34Speaker 03

  But does it, did you set up?

• 5:36Conan O'Brien?

  I don't recall. I'm not the kind of person, Eduardo, that's a fair point, that your phone is listening to you, but I don't think I've ever said, God, I love bottle urinating, you know? And I don't, I'm not someone who perpetually complains about, I've got to urinate a lot because I don't think I do. So what is it about me? What triggered this?

• 5:53Speaker 01

  Maybe it's the music. You always look at.

• 5:56Conan O'Brien?

  My favorite band is PP Party. It's true.

• 6:00Speaker 01

  Maybe because you're into like guitars, maybe they think you're a musician who's on the road a lot. And then a lot of people who are on the road a lot pee in bottles. I mean, Tac used to tell me a lot of his bandmates used to pee in bottles. Oh God, they're gonna be so mad I said that.

• 6:13Speaker 03

  The worst part is that we're all gonna get this algorithm now. We're all gonna get bottle piss.

• 6:17Conan O'Brien?

  My phone right now, I just heard my phone, my phone.

• 6:20Speaker 01

  Peeing bottles.

• 6:21Conan O'Brien?

  My, my phone is sitting on my desk and I just heard it go, hmm, got it.

• 6:27Conan O'Brien?

  And I was like, what was that phone? Nothing. Proceed.

• 6:32Conan O'Brien?

  Proceed, PP man. But, hey, Phone, I don't want you listening to me. No problem. Better make up with your wife. For what? This morning, you seemed kind of testy. Hey, Phone! See you in the Steele dossier. Yeah.

• 6:53Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, yeah, I love my phone just listening and making little kind of like Iago in Othello comments, like, oh, well. Ooh, that's a juicy one. What's that, Phone? Nothing.

• 7:05Conan O'Brien?

  Why don't you get back to your podcasting, Mr. Wee Wee? Jesus, iPhone. Take it easy. Maybe I'm not an iPhone. We don't want to alienate other carriers and manufacturers. You're right, you're right. Thank you, um, nondescript phone.

• 7:24Speaker 01

  I love that even your phone cares about our sponsors.

• 7:26Conan O'Brien?

  I know.

• 7:30Conan O'Brien?

  Tanisha's going to be furious.

• 7:35Conan O'Brien?

  Tanisha's working with another phone company right now. Okay, okay, Phone, just take it easy. By the way, you should get that cough looked after. What?

• 7:47Speaker 01

  Oh my god, so stupid.

• 7:49Conan O'Brien?

  All right, you screwballs, settle down.

• 7:53Conan O'Brien?

  It's the 1940s, see? Hey, my guest today is a hilarious comedian who's currently on tour and tickets are available at Chris Fleming Fleming.com. What can I say? I love this gentleman.

• 8:10Conan O'Brien?

  Thrilled he's here today. Chris Fleming, welcome.

• 8:17Conan O'Brien?

  I have some things to say about this man. And vice versa. First of all, hey, this is my podcast, which means I speak and you say nothing.

• 8:25Conan O'Brien?

  Now, let's start the interview. Every time, I've been a fan of this guy a long time, and there's something about you, you are catnip to me.

• 8:34Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 8:34Conan O'Brien?

  Whenever I see this guy.

• 8:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 8:36Conan O'Brien?

  I immediately walk up, grab you by the arm.

• 8:39Speaker 02

  You don't walk up.

• 8:39Conan O'Brien?

  What do I do?

• 8:40Speaker 02

  You, well, his prey drive kicks in.

• 8:42Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 8:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:44Speaker 02

  If I don't see him first, I get warned that Flanny from Largo at a party, he said, Chris, I think Conan spotted you, you better get out of here.

• 8:53Conan O'Brien?

  You better get out of here and make it quick.

• 8:54Speaker 02

  And he may look like my paternal grandma, but he's strong. Especially when he's got a little white wine in him. It fortifies him. And outside, when he's got no stage makeup on, he's featureless, so you can't even see him. You can't see him coming. It's like a land formation that looks like a human being.

• 9:15Speaker 02

  And then all of a sudden, he's coming at me.

• 9:17Conan O'Brien?

  Now, people are gonna think this is a bit.

• 9:19Speaker 02

  It's not.

• 9:20Conan O'Brien?

  It is true that anytime it started, I believe, I invited you to my Christmas party.

• 9:27Speaker 02

  And as a bit, because everyone is way more famous than me there. It's like Tom Hanks, you have like Halliburton executives there.

• 9:35Conan O'Brien?

  I'm big with Halliburton people.

• 9:36Speaker 02

  And to make me comfortable.

• 9:37Conan O'Brien?

  People from the defense, the landmine people are there, the people that manufacture them, not the people that are trying to stop them.

• 9:43Speaker 02

  One of the Castros was there, I think.

• 9:45Conan O'Brien?

  Well, we used to have both Castros till Fidel died. But, you know.

• 9:49Speaker 02

  To make me feel comfortable, because I was, and like, and it's also like a bunch of realtors, I think, there. To make me feel comfortable.

• 9:55Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 9:55Speaker 02

  Conan will be like, I just invited you to be kind, I don't actually want you here. And then he'll grab me by the waist and drag me down his long hallway and throw me out the door.

• 10:04Conan O'Brien?

  I always physically, because I have a thing with you where I think you're one of my brothers, the brother I should have had.

• 10:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:13Conan O'Brien?

  That's your right, Neil, instead of Neil. I should have, I should have, I feel like I have that relationship with you, and I have no right to think that, but I have no problem laying hands on you, dragging you out of my house and throwing you out of the house, and then you, of course, scuttle back in.

• 10:30Speaker 02

  Yeah. And you do it also, not just, so in the house, everyone's like, ha, ha, Conan's doing this bit.

• 10:36Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 10:37Speaker 02

  But he does it in public, so he did it in Texas.

• 10:39Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, we were at, we were in Austin.

• 10:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:43Conan O'Brien?

  We were in Austin, and there was a Four Seasons Hotel, and I'm standing up in front, and all of a sudden, this. Big, it was, uh, what's the big festival they have there?

• 10:50Speaker 02

  Southwest.

• 10:51Conan O'Brien?

  Southwest. I was doing something there and then I get back to the hotel and I'm waiting to go to the airport or something and this, this car pulls up and, um, you, uh, you're the chauffeur in this story.

• 11:03Speaker 02

  No, I was under it like Cape Fear.

• 11:08Speaker 02

  In a tankini and he, and he sees me and he just starts.

• 11:12Conan O'Brien?

  The door opens and Chris Fleming steps out and I'm there at a hotel and there's tons of people around. The minute he, I don't even know he's gonna be there. He steps out and I instantly grabbed you.

• 11:25Speaker 02

  I just say, oh no. And we don't even say hi.

• 11:27Conan O'Brien?

  I grabbed him and started to drag him down the long, uh, driveway of the Four Seasons Hotel in Austin.

• 11:34Speaker 02

  While yelling, "Security, get him out of here." And security in Austin, they're not improv trained. They didn't go through the brown range. So they're kinda coming up, cause I look like someone who might be a new shoe to you.

• 11:45Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, of course.

• 11:46Speaker 02

  I look like a super fan in Omaha or something.

• 11:50Speaker 02

  Who wants, who really thinks we're connected.

• 11:52Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, take it easy. I'm sensing more anger than excitement there.

• 11:55Speaker 02

  And then, yeah, and then that happens at parties. And then the thing is at parties, I'm genuinely running from you and you're coming at me.

• 12:03Conan O'Brien?

  You really, well, at Sarah Silverman's, you saw me and you took off and I took off after you.

• 12:07Speaker 02

  I had to put my drinks down.

• 12:09Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, he had two drinks. He had to put them down. And today, you walked into the podcast with a tea and whatever that is.

• 12:15Speaker 02

  Two drinks again. I'm almost double fisting.

• 12:17Conan O'Brien?

  A guava berry extract and you put them both, I said, "Put them down, put them down." Because I'm a kind attacker. I let him put his drinks down first.

• 12:24Speaker 02

  And he started crawling.

• 12:26Conan O'Brien?

  You started crawling?

• 12:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, because you're so high up. It's, it's like, uh, it's what you're supposed to do when the birds come for you.

• 12:32Conan O'Brien?

  Right. Or a nuclear bomb.

• 12:33Speaker 02

  When they come from the sky.

• 12:34Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, duck and, duck and cover.

• 12:36Speaker 02

  And what did you tell me at that party? As I'm running by like Olivia Wilde being like, "Excuse me."

• 12:41Conan O'Brien?

  I don't remember, what did I?

• 12:42Speaker 02

  You said, "I wanna make a, like, a pillow, a life-size pillow out of you so I can thrash it around in the yard."

• 12:49Speaker 01

  What is wrong with you?

• 12:52Conan O'Brien?

  I want a full-life size Chris Fleming pillow, and I would just attack it like a, like a rottweiler and be like,

• 12:59Conan O'Brien?

  stuffing would be flying out, because stuffing flies out of him when you shake him.

• 13:02Speaker 02

  Oh yeah, out of my nostrils.

• 13:04Conan O'Brien?

  I'm gonna say some nice things really quickly, you'll be uncomfortable, but let's do this.

• 13:07Speaker 02

  Just mute my mic.

• 13:08Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, uh, Chris Fleming, number of years ago, my young children, who are very good, uh, finders of great comedy, they come to me and they say, "Dad, you have to watch this guy," and I'm like, "Leave me alone." I'm, I'm, I'm signing eight-by-tens to myself.

• 13:30Speaker 02

  You're doing a lot of online gambling, too, at this point.

• 13:32Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I was online gambling.

• 13:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:35Conan O'Brien?

  And, that's why I had to sell more eight-by-tens.

• 13:38Speaker 02

  Eight, not even eight-by-eleven.

• 13:39Conan O'Brien?

  And they say, "There's this character named Gale Waters, Waters, you have to see it," and my wife and I start watching them, we become addicted. One of the greatest, most fully-realized characters I've seen, just looking at these YouTube clips, I'm, I'm blown away. Then I find out that you're doing a show at Largo, and so I go and I see your show, and I'm, I can't get enough. I'm addicted to this Chris Fleming fool.

• 14:09Speaker 02

  And when you come to my shows, you always, he always texts me, asking if there's a helipad that he can land on.

• 14:14Conan O'Brien?

  I'm always saying.

• 14:15Speaker 02

  And he says, "I don't wanna be conspicuous," and then he's in the audience, rotisserie style.

• 14:20Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Are you ever worried he's gonna rush the stage and try to tackle you?

• 14:24Speaker 02

  He puts up a cattle wire. That you've, that you are kind of, like, like a bull wanting to get on.

• 14:30Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I wanna charge the stage.

• 14:32Speaker 02

  The fact that you're a ham, it does surprise me. I don't think I have that as much as you do. The fact, when you see a stage, you wanna be on it.

• 14:39Conan O'Brien?

  I'm, I'm enraged. I can see a, a fantastic production of, you know, like, with the biggest, greatest Broadway stars of, you know, Hamlet. And I'll be in the audience, "Why aren't I up there?" Do you know any of Hamlet? No!

• 14:58Speaker 02

  But you want to do Hamlet on Broadway.

• 15:00Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, yes, I.

• 15:01Speaker 02

  You could be Ophelia, wandering around.

• 15:03Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, I could, yeah. Tackling people. Did Ophelia do that?

• 15:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 15:07Conan O'Brien?

  So, anyway, I see your show, love that, and then I start watching all of your, I know you retired Gail Waters Waters, but you made this ad that had me crying for a car. Remember that?

• 15:20Speaker 02

  Oh, oh, the Crandallier.

• 15:22Conan O'Brien?

  The Crandallier.

• 15:23Speaker 02

  The 2022 Crandallier.

• 15:24Conan O'Brien?

  The 2022 Crandallier, which is a car, and you had terrible animation for it.

• 15:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:28Conan O'Brien?

  And it was a car that wouldn't exist, shouldn't exist.

• 15:31Speaker 02

  I made it out of PVC piping from Home Depot. I spent like a day in Home Depot building the Crandallier.

• 15:37Conan O'Brien?

  And the Crandallier is just this terrible car that, no, it's way too big, right? It's shaped, it's badly shaped.

• 15:42Speaker 02

  It takes up, I think, two and a half lanes and you have to lie face down in it like a seal. And I don't, I forget exactly.

• 15:51Conan O'Brien?

  And then I find out that you made this pilot that was looking for a home and I.

• 15:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, you did.

• 15:57Conan O'Brien?

  You sent me the pilot and I watched the pilot.

• 16:00Speaker 02

  I said, SOS, I said, "Help me."

• 16:00Conan O'Brien?

  Help me. So, I watched the pilot and that, in so many places, had me crying. Specifically, for no reason, your character, when he decides to run, runs backwards, for no reason. And there's a callback to it later on where you see like a giant moon and you see a silhouette of you running backwards.

• 16:23Speaker 02

  When he's traumatized.

• 16:24Conan O'Brien?

  When he's traumatized, he runs backwards. And he runs across the, across the moon scape. And I just thought, why, how is it that he and I don't live on an island together?

• 16:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, and it will come to that.

• 16:36Conan O'Brien?

  Just do this foolishness.

• 16:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:37Conan O'Brien?

  Because I'm doing it.

• 16:38Speaker 02

  Off the coast of Oregon.

• 16:39Conan O'Brien?

  I'm doing it for my staff, I'm doing it, I'm doing it to my staff, to my family, and everyone's rolling their eyes and saying, "Please go away." And there's this other person out there who's doing this absolute foolishness.

• 16:51Speaker 02

  Your twin flame. And you also tried to save that show and send it to Netflix. And that guy who then tried to get it sent up got fired immediately.

• 16:58Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, really?

• 16:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:59Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, I like getting people fired. Um, and so, I'm a massive fan, and what I will say, and then I go on to see your. You did a stand-up tour and I went and saw your stand-up. And I'm just following this guy around. I can't say enough good about your work. And one of the things I want to say before we get really stupid again is I cannot think of another comedian that I've seen who comes up, who's so prolific at instantly coming up with amazing references and images. It's, you're like a savant.

• 17:33Speaker 02

  What about Tony Adams?

• 17:34Conan O'Brien?

  Better.

• 17:37Conan O'Brien?

  Better.

• 17:38Speaker 02

  Thank you, Conan. Thank you very much. You're very sweet.

• 17:40Conan O'Brien?

  I can't even say his name now. I'd vomit.

• 17:43Speaker 02

  You're very sweet to me.

• 17:44Conan O'Brien?

  No, you're just, just the things that you say are little crystalline gems that come shooting out of your mouth. I'm like, what it, how does, how are you able to do that? I, I've always sort of prided myself on being able to come up with things quickly.

• 17:58Speaker 02

  Oh, you're way faster. Oh, my God. The things you must say in your car when you're driving.

• 18:01Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, my God.

• 18:02Speaker 02

  Cruising down the 134. Blasting Larry Mantle in Buena Vista Social Club.

• 18:06Conan O'Brien?

  There he goes. There he goes.

• 18:10Speaker 02

  I can only imagine the things your dashboard has hurt.

• 18:14Speaker 02

  But thank you, Conan.

• 18:15Conan O'Brien?

  My dashboard is in therapy. Anyway.

• 18:17Speaker 02

  You know what you're like? You're like the mob. You're like the Boston mafia. When they break your arm and then they, and they give you the cash to pay for it.

• 18:22Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, that's what I always do.

• 18:24Speaker 02

  Once you thrash me around.

• 18:26Conan O'Brien?

  Then I say nice things.

• 18:26Speaker 02

  And then you say incredibly sweet things.

• 18:28Conan O'Brien?

  But now we're back to the thrashing. You monster.

• 18:34Conan O'Brien?

  I, first of all, I think we have some bond that comes from, you're from Stowe, Massachusetts.

• 18:39Speaker 02

  Correct.

• 18:39Conan O'Brien?

  I'm from Brookline. And there's a Massachusetts thing. I don't know what it is. You have any insight into that?

• 18:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, we're, the, what we're, our bond is that we're too wiggly from Massachusetts.

• 18:51Conan O'Brien?

  Mm-hmm.

• 18:51Speaker 02

  And the fact that we, yeah.

• 18:53Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 18:54Speaker 02

  The fact that we acknowledge our hips.

• 18:56Conan O'Brien?

  It's all about planting your feet and letting all that chowder settle and, uh. Chowder! And then, you know what I mean? And then, socks, all that. And then you and I are these wiggle worms.

• 19:10Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm. Yeah.

• 19:11Conan O'Brien?

  People are always comparing me to those socks that those.

• 19:14Speaker 02

  At the car.

• 19:15Conan O'Brien?

  At a car sale thing, uh, you know, car lot that are going.

• 19:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:19Conan O'Brien?

  And you are too. You are a wiggling worm.

• 19:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's why, you know, I think Massachusetts, if they could have a time machine, the one thing they would change, they would stop Elvis from shaking his hips.

• 19:31Conan O'Brien?

  And we're a Boston Red Sox cap.

• 19:33Speaker 02

  That's right.

• 19:34Conan O'Brien?

  And don't sing so much.

• 19:35Speaker 02

  That's right.

• 19:35Conan O'Brien?

  Just talk about the Red Sox.

• 19:36Speaker 02

  You, you probably, you probably at least know a little bit about the busted Red Sox, right?

• 19:41Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah. And you know absolutely nothing.

• 19:43Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no. Like, even growing up, like, the jocks were like this, like, he needs a conservatorship, for me.

• 19:49Conan O'Brien?

  Those are good jocks that know conservatorship? Hey, that guy needs a conservatorship. It should be legally placed. A codicil in his parents' will. Who is this guy? He's an idiot about everything but conservatorships.

• 20:10Conan O'Brien?

  Duh, duh. Wow, he's really stupid. Conservatorships. As set down in Massachusetts State Law Section. Do you?

• 20:21Speaker 02

  There's that Harvard education coming out.

• 20:24Conan O'Brien?

  It wasn't that. I had this before Harvard. They made me stupider.

• 20:30Conan O'Brien?

  Tell me a little bit about young Chris Fleming. What is it about your origin story that creates this fellow that's sitting across from me drinking way too many liquids, self-consciously?

• 20:42Speaker 02

  Well, I mean, I don't like, I don't like, the praise is freaking me out.

• 20:45Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah. Okay, we'll get past that.

• 20:47Speaker 02

  Okay. What, I mean, okay, first, growing up with women. That was the big one. That's how this happens.

• 20:52Conan O'Brien?

  You had a lot of women in your life and that?

• 20:54Speaker 02

  I think I was raised, you know, almost, uh, in Ma- within Massachusetts to have that kind of, I was raised to be more feminine or whatever.

• 21:03Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 21:04Speaker 02

  And the masculine was kind of, it was, it was, do not.

• 21:07Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 21:08Speaker 02

  Do not go there.

• 21:08Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 21:09Speaker 02

  And so I think that's how we start.

• 21:10Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, you start with surrounded by women, um...

• 21:13Speaker 02

  Then I get into Michael Flatley.

• 21:17Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, as everyone out there listening, this is, these are rules to be a comedy genius. Lot of women around you, and then lots of Michael Flatley.

• 21:23Speaker 02

  So much so that I, okay, I had, I had a poster of Michael Flatley up in my...

• 21:27Conan O'Brien?

  Did you really? Is this real?

• 21:29Speaker 02

  Totally real. That's a poster more something I printed out from my computer. And then put it up and.

• 21:34Conan O'Brien?

  More of a mosaic you made over a six year period.

• 21:37Speaker 02

  Do we know Michael Flatley?

• 21:38Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, yeah.

• 21:39Speaker 03

  Of course, the Lord of the Dance.

• 21:40Speaker 01

  Lord of the Dance.

• 21:41Conan O'Brien?

  Do we love Michael Flatley?

• 21:42Speaker 02

  You know, he's from Chicago.

• 21:43Conan O'Brien?

  I didn't know.

• 21:44Speaker 01

  No.

• 21:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's like, it's like finding a Gandhi's from Seattle.

• 21:47Conan O'Brien?

  He's Italian.

• 21:48Speaker 01

  Stop.

• 21:48Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, he's Italian.

• 21:49Speaker 02

  It's so.

• 21:50Conan O'Brien?

  And he's also.

• 21:51Speaker 02

  He's not, no.

• 21:51Conan O'Brien?

  He's also Native American.

• 21:53Speaker 01

  I thought he was from Ireland.

• 21:54Speaker 02

  You would think I did some, anyway, so he comes out on stage. I see Riverdance live, he comes out, within seconds exhibits every cluster B personality disorder that there is. I mean, this, the way that he's peacocking around, I've never seen anything like it. And I said, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 22:11Conan O'Brien?

  So you wanted to be a dancer?

• 22:13Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, big time.

• 22:14Conan O'Brien?

  So surrounded by women.

• 22:15Speaker 02

  And say she was.

• 22:16Conan O'Brien?

  You see Michael Flatley and you light up.

• 22:18Speaker 02

  Light up. I try to do Irish step dance in my bedroom, tear my meniscus. I have to go under six months of physical therapy.

• 22:25Conan O'Brien?

  For real?

• 22:26Speaker 02

  For real.

• 22:26Conan O'Brien?

  Did you tell people it was from trying to do an Irish step dance in your bedroom? Or did you tell them football injury?

• 22:31Speaker 02

  No, it was incredibly, no, everyone knew my, no, everyone knew I wasn't going near the football field.

• 22:36Conan O'Brien?

  Is this a lingering injury or can you dance now?

• 22:38Speaker 02

  My right is a little, I can still dance. The doctor told me I would never dance again. Which. In Massachusetts, they love to give you a grim prognosis. I got diagnosed as red, green colorblind also.

• 22:50Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I am as well.

• 22:51Speaker 02

  In kindergarten, really?

• 22:52Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 22:52Speaker 02

  You know it's only men that get it?

• 22:54Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, I do know that.

• 22:55Speaker 02

  He told me that I would never go into space. I'm in kindergarten. He's like, you're never.

• 22:58Conan O'Brien?

  You'll never go.

• 22:59Speaker 02

  I can never go into space.

• 23:00Conan O'Brien?

  Doctor tells you you'll never go into space?

• 23:02Speaker 02

  You can't fly planes?

• 23:03Speaker 01

  You can't fly?

• 23:03Conan O'Brien?

  You can't go in the air force? Same thing happened to my dad.

• 23:05Speaker 02

  You gotta stay terrestrial. I'm, I'm. I'm on land. And space, so it's like, okay, one of three jobs I'm aware of is no longer an option.

• 23:13Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, yes.

• 23:14Speaker 02

  I'll go be a cowgirl then.

• 23:15Conan O'Brien?

  What if, you should have told him, my dream is to be a flying dancer.

• 23:20Conan O'Brien?

  A pilot who dances while he flies the plane. I'm telling you, that's not gonna happen.

• 23:25Speaker 02

  Flying dancer is a really sexy name for something, like a soft rock album?

• 23:30Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 23:30Speaker 02

  Flying dancer? But, okay.

• 23:33Conan O'Brien?

  By Toto.

• 23:33Speaker 02

  So that. I went to what you're describing, actually. Blah about me?

• 23:41Conan O'Brien?

  I got him.

• 23:43Conan O'Brien?

  Sometimes I just make little noises. I did this on my wife's, my first date with my wife. We get in the car together and I'm, we're in like a cab or something and I, and I just said, yeah, we're gonna go to thirty, you know, whatever, Thirty Fifth and Broadway. And I went, ooh. And Liza didn't know me that well and she was like huh? And I went, ooh, yeah, you can, this is a good way to go, ooh. And then I was saying-

• 24:08Speaker 02

  She wasn't laughing?

• 24:09Conan O'Brien?

  No, she just said-

• 24:10Speaker 02

  She was looking for the doorknob.

• 24:11Conan O'Brien?

  Oh my god, and I thought I should present who I-

• 24:13Speaker 01

  A tuck and roll.

• 24:14Conan O'Brien?

  I should present who I really am up front.

• 24:17Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 24:17Conan O'Brien?

  And I was doing all these muttering blah bits in the car, which you know all too well, Sona.

• 24:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:24Conan O'Brien?

  And she just did the eeriest thing. She just pretended it wasn't happening.

• 24:31Conan O'Brien?

  And anyway, so I don't know why I threw one of those in there. I don't think I've done that much on the podcast, but you're just talking and I'm like, ooh.

• 24:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:39Conan O'Brien?

  I'm too comfortable. Go ahead, keep chomping.

• 24:41Speaker 02

  No, keep making sounds. Oh, they hate-

• 24:44Conan O'Brien?

  What you eating there, buddy?

• 24:46Speaker 02

  Boba, you want some of this? I got, I got Nikki Glaser into this. It's like whoever got Miles Davis into heroin. Who was it? I think it was Buble, Michael Buble?

• 24:54Conan O'Brien?

  Buble on Boba.

• 24:58Speaker 02

  People are gonna be really, people get really sensitive about chewing.

• 25:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 25:02Speaker 02

  About sounds like-

• 25:03Conan O'Brien?

  Michael, Michael-

• 25:04Speaker 02

  Buble's on Boba. Michael Buble's Boba.

• 25:08Conan O'Brien?

  You know who's also on it? Boba Fett. Now we're talking. I saw Nikki Glaser recently do a show and I was like, she's way off. And then I said to someone, is she on Boba now?

• 25:18Speaker 02

  You wanna hit this, Conan?

• 25:22Speaker 02

  Okay, another thing-

• 25:23Conan O'Brien?

  In three days, I'm one year off Boba.

• 25:24Speaker 02

  Another thing about this-

• 25:25Conan O'Brien?

  Get it away from me.

• 25:26Speaker 02

  My friend who's a comic, Jake.

• 25:28Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I know comics too.

• 25:30Speaker 02

  He said-

• 25:32Conan O'Brien?

  My friend, he's a comic, ooh, I feel threatened all of a sudden.

• 25:34Speaker 02

  He did a story.

• 25:38Speaker 02

  I'm not just giving the professions of friends for no reason.

• 25:40Conan O'Brien?

  My friend who's a dancing pilot, he'll never be one.

• 25:43Speaker 02

  He told me, he was like, I used to be impressed by what you do. And then I had your, what you had for Boba, and I go, I could do that too. If you had this every day.

• 25:50Conan O'Brien?

  So were you chewing on one of the little bubba Boba bubbles?

• 25:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm chewing on the Boba bubbles.

• 26:01Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 26:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:03Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen, you know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 26:18Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 26:18Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 26:27Speaker 01

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 26:31Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5 N, which I love. Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid is fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 26:51Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 26:51Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space. With available, I have this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA-estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty. It's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View US News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 27:26Conan O'Brien?

  Did you know that one in four Americans targeted by scams end up falling for them? You fell for one.

• 27:31Speaker 01

  I fell for a scam?

• 27:32Conan O'Brien?

  Now, you didn't lose too much money, but you did lose.

• 27:35Speaker 01

  I did lose and it was very inconvenient and now they put protections on my account like I'm, uh, dumb.

• 27:40Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. I don't know where they got that impression. Criminals are now using AI to make scams look more realistic than ever. In 2025, AI fraud spiked 1,210% and cost Americans $893 million. That's incredible. Well, with AI, it can get so smart now.

• 28:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:01Conan O'Brien?

  Do you know what I mean?

• 28:02Speaker 01

  Maybe I should start scamming.

• 28:03Conan O'Brien?

  No, that's not the point.

• 28:05Speaker 01

  Oh, no, that's not the point of this.

• 28:05Conan O'Brien?

  That's not the point.

• 28:06Speaker 01

  It's so much money.

• 28:07Conan O'Brien?

  Click, Sona can expose your information, putting you at risk of identity theft. Luckily, this is the point. Not that you should start scamming, but that everyone should get LifeLock.

• 28:16Speaker 01

  Right, right, right, right.

• 28:17Conan O'Brien?

  LifeLock has live US-based restoration specialists who will be with you every step of the way to fix your identity theft from first alert to full restoration. This is fantastic. How do you not have this?

• 28:29Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 28:29Conan O'Brien?

  If you have expenses or money stolen due to identity theft, you're backed by the million-dollar protection package with up to $3 million coverage in some plans.

• 28:37Speaker 01

  Mm.

• 28:37Conan O'Brien?

  Join now and save up to 30% off your first year. Go to lifelock.com/conan. That's lifelock.com/conan to save 30%. Terms apply.

• 28:47Conan O'Brien?

  With the US Bank Smartly Visa Signature Card, you earn an unlimited 2% cash back on every purchase. Huh, it's a good deal.

• 28:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:55Conan O'Brien?

  No quarterly activations, no categories to track, just unlimited 2% cash back on every purchase. Sona, just the other day, I bought you this antique wig stand.

• 29:06Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 29:06Conan O'Brien?

  And I didn't get cash back, and I regret it now.

• 29:10Speaker 01

  Oh, okay. Well, that's a very thoughtful gift.

• 29:13Conan O'Brien?

  Do you wear a wig, or is that your hair?

• 29:14Speaker 01

  Absolutely not. It's definitely my hair. And so it's kind of, it's kind of insulting you would buy that gift for me.

• 29:20Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I'll just return it anyway, but I do wish I got cash back.

• 29:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:23Conan O'Brien?

  Visit usbank.com/smartlycard to learn more. The creditor and issuer of this card is US Bank National Association pursuant to a license from Visa USA, Inc. Some restrictions may apply.

• 29:40Conan O'Brien?

  This is fascinating to me. You grow up, surrounded by women.

• 29:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:43Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, Michael Flatley, um, torn ACLU.

• 29:48Speaker 02

  And I would go to plays like what you, what you're saying is exactly what I felt like as a child going to musicals and seeing the comic relief, and I go, oh, I could, that leg work, I could do, I could get 80% more laughs.

• 29:59Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 29:59Speaker 02

  By moving my legs a certain way. And my legs have, I don't know if your body has this, my legs have a different brain on stage. When I'm like.

• 30:05Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, yeah.

• 30:06Speaker 02

  They kick in, it's like, not think, I'm not thinking, and my leg, my leg body, my leg mind does something.

• 30:11Conan O'Brien?

  Is all over the map.

• 30:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:12Conan O'Brien?

  Um, so you, uh, when do you get it? What's your first experience with comedy? You're doing improv, you're doing sketches, you're doing stand-up? What are you doing? What are you doing?

• 30:23Speaker 02

  Musicals and uh and then well pre okay preschool it was a silent play Peter Rabbit. I played Farmer McGregor and I was super shy, but I wouldn't stop talking. That pesky rabbit, we gotta get us counting tomatoes, blah, blah, blah. Okay, Farmer McGregor.

• 30:40Conan O'Brien?

  Do they tell you you don't really need to talk?

• 30:42Speaker 02

  Keep it down.

• 30:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 30:43Speaker 02

  So that was the first that was the first sign of uh of that impulse.

• 30:47Conan O'Brien?

  You got the bug.

• 30:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, I got the bug and then and then I started making videos with my friends in high school.

• 30:51Conan O'Brien?

  See, this is the thing that I think is miraculous about this new era. People like to bitch and moan about this new world we're in, social media and all the ills. I think it's been a godsend in a lot of ways for people like you because you didn't have to compromise at all.

• 31:08Speaker 02

  No.

• 31:09Conan O'Brien?

  When you started making your videos, you were you were going for a hundred and twenty percent.

• 31:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:15Conan O'Brien?

  Chris Fleming.

• 31:16Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 31:17Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, like it or don't, none of my business. Um, not I'm gonna cajole you into liking me. There was no sense of neediness coming off of it. It was this is me being funny in the way I like to be funny.

• 31:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:34Conan O'Brien?

  Um, and if you're out there and you like this, uh, cool. And I think you've just been, like I said, you're a really hard worker, you're very prolific, you're wildly creative, and you could just put this out in the purest form yourself. That was not possible.

• 31:53Speaker 02

  No.

• 31:53Conan O'Brien?

  Can you imagine the world if, you know, you came along in the nineteen sixties or seventies?

• 31:58Speaker 02

  I'd be the Unabomber, yeah.

• 31:59Conan O'Brien?

  You'd be the Unabomber. And you know what? That would have been pretty good, too.

• 32:02Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, I would have done it cute.

• 32:04Conan O'Brien?

  No, you'd been. You mean, the the the letters you wrote wouldn't have been all about our sick society. It would have been more like funny bits.

• 32:11Speaker 02

  I'd be one of those guys that steals tropical fish from a store or something, you know, and then does something.

• 32:18Speaker 02

  Remember in Maine when that guy that was like a hermit who would go in and break into, remember that?

• 32:22Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 32:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:23Conan O'Brien?

  There was a guy who lived in Maine as a hermit. He just decided to try it. He just parked his car and walked into the woods and then basically walked around and broke into vacation homes on the winter and lived in the woods. I read a book about him recently.

• 32:40Speaker 02

  Really?

• 32:41Conan O'Brien?

  Fascinating. Yeah, there's a book on him. It was great. It was a short read, really good. And he was in the, and then they finally caught him breaking into a house after 15, 20 years of.

• 32:50Speaker 02

  He was taking people's fish?

• 32:52Conan O'Brien?

  He was taking, no, he was.

• 32:53Speaker 01

  Was he just living there, you squatting?

• 32:56Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, he would, he would stay there, he'd get their food and then he'd live in the woods and he.

• 33:00Speaker 02

  He'd live off like panko and stuff.

• 33:02Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 33:02Speaker 01

  Oh, okay. I don't see a problem.

• 33:04Conan O'Brien?

  I didn't see this.

• 33:05Speaker 02

  It was a victimless crime.

• 33:06Conan O'Brien?

  I'm gonna say, I didn't see this detour coming.

• 33:08Speaker 02

  Oh, sorry.

• 33:09Conan O'Brien?

  And I didn't prepare.

• 33:10Speaker 02

  I just wanted to imagine what would happen if I didn't have access to wifi to upload my stuff. I'm just trying to envision that. What do you think would have happened to me? I would have been, I would have been boned. Maybe, maybe if they rebooted Mad TV for like daily motion or something.

• 33:25Conan O'Brien?

  I don't think, I don't know. I don't know what would have happened. I think about this for myself.

• 33:29Speaker 02

  But you know, it was great.

• 33:29Conan O'Brien?

  I think about this all the time, which is put me in a world where there is no place to be a total maniac. And I'm a babbling idiot in a field and my job is in Ireland is to like place the stones and build a stone wall. And I'm saying, yeah, I'll, I'll put up a stone on the stone wall, but first I'm Stonewally McStonerton. Look at me now. Oh, McWally McStonerton. Now I'm his, his evil boss. Oh, yes, his evil boss. And, and, and people just be.

• 34:01Speaker 02

  I'm his dead wife.

• 34:02Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I'm his dead wife. She died a year ago, the milk sickness. Oh, I died of the milk sickness.

• 34:07Speaker 02

  Pay me respects. You would, you would act out in a very public way.

• 34:11Conan O'Brien?

  I would act out, which is what I used to do.

• 34:13Speaker 02

  You still do.

• 34:14Conan O'Brien?

  I know, it's, it's a problem.

• 34:16Speaker 02

  It's an unscratchable itch that you have.

• 34:18Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 34:18Speaker 02

  Which is good.

• 34:20Conan O'Brien?

  Why?

• 34:20Speaker 02

  Because it makes you continue to be fun.

• 34:23Conan O'Brien?

  I hope so.

• 34:23Speaker 02

  Even though you're, you would, see, if I were you, I would imagine I'd be, I'd be tired.

• 34:29Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 34:30Speaker 02

  No, you are, you are so energized.

• 34:32Conan O'Brien?

  I'm energized.

• 34:33Speaker 02

  You have so much physical.

• 34:35Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 34:35Speaker 02

  Kinetic energy.

• 34:36Conan O'Brien?

  But I'm curious, there are two kinds of comedians, the ones that are themselves always, I have that disease, and then there are the ones that are brilliantly funny, but if you talk to them when they're not.

• 34:48Speaker 02

  They're really sullen.

• 34:49Conan O'Brien?

  They're like, um, yeah, okay, well, I better get up. And then they get up there and and it's really great.

• 34:55Speaker 02

  No.

• 34:55Conan O'Brien?

  You strike me as more my type.

• 34:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:58Conan O'Brien?

  But I don't.

• 34:59Speaker 02

  I'm not as wild as you, I don't think, i- in my daily life, but I, I don't see a, this, that much of a distinction. I definitely, part of my onstage stuff is me responding to the stress of being onstage and then using that emotion to then kind of react a certain way and using that energy. So it's, it is heightened, absolutely.

• 35:19Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 35:19Speaker 02

  But I don't see a, a line between that. You know, come nightfall, I'm not different than I, than I was.

• 35:26Conan O'Brien?

  Right, right. Are you medicated?

• 35:28Speaker 02

  No. You would think I, I probably should be.

• 35:31Conan O'Brien?

  This is me medicated.

• 35:36Conan O'Brien?

  And it's like, I don't know, I do feel like if they shot me with horse tranquilizers, I'd be like, horse tranquilizers, right?

• 35:44Conan O'Brien?

  Hit me again, doc.

• 35:46Speaker 02

  And, and you, and you also with fans are doing full heralds out in the streets.

• 35:50Conan O'Brien?

  Full bits.

• 35:51Speaker 02

  You're doing.

• 35:52Conan O'Brien?

  Bits everywhere.

• 35:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 35:53Conan O'Brien?

  I had to be stopped because I went with, uh, Liza and the kids up to see Liza's in-laws. We went to this place that's called like Snoqualmie, and there's a place like Squamish Lake, and I'm like, oh, Squamish, I'm at Squamish, and I'm talking to people, and I'm doing bits for people, and my son just went, please stop.

• 36:12Conan O'Brien?

  He said it like Lurch on The Addams Family.

• 36:14Speaker 02

  You're sounding, you're sounding so composed.

• 36:16Conan O'Brien?

  He's so composed.

• 36:17Speaker 02

  He's so composed.

• 36:18Conan O'Brien?

  And who adores you, by the way. Thinks you're really, thinks you're funny.

• 36:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, which also makes you mad. Also, I saw-

• 36:23Conan O'Brien?

  Enrages me.

• 36:24Speaker 02

  I think also sometimes, is it, are you ever doing bits in public where people don't quite recognize? I mean, you're obviously so recognizable, but on the, I saw a video of you-

• 36:31Conan O'Brien?

  It doesn't matter if someone doesn't recognize, I don't care.

• 36:34Speaker 02

  I know, no, I know.

• 36:35Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna get, they're gonna get whatever sick thing is in-

• 36:37Speaker 02

  I saw a video of you at a music festival.

• 36:39Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 36:39Speaker 02

  Like-

• 36:40Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 36:40Speaker 02

  You looked like Reese Witherspoon in Wild, you know, like you-

• 36:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, that was what I was going for.

• 36:45Speaker 02

  It was incredible.

• 36:46Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. I took my daughter to a music festival and-

• 36:49Speaker 02

  I think you had trench foot in there.

• 36:50Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I did. It was a big field and I'm-

• 36:53Speaker 02

  You looked good.

• 36:54Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, thank you.

• 36:55Speaker 02

  What is that like when you're there, when you're at the music festival?

• 36:57Conan O'Brien?

  Um, I mostly am stunned by how much older I am than everybody. It's stunning. It is absolutely stunning.

• 37:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:07Conan O'Brien?

  Because everyone there is 20, 21, 22.

• 37:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:11Conan O'Brien?

  And then there is me who-

• 37:12Speaker 02

  Towering.

• 37:13Conan O'Brien?

  Who voted for Eisenhower in an election, uh, and I'm, um, I'm just- Nothing will make you feel older as a dad than going to a music festival. And I'm also thinking like, how come none of these ladies are wearing pants?

• 37:26Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 37:27Conan O'Brien?

  Don't they get cold at night?

• 37:28Speaker 02

  Yes. I've started dreaming like that.

• 37:30Conan O'Brien?

  Put on some pants!

• 37:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 37:32Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know, it's, it's so, I never see you being that way. I think you're always gonna be-

• 37:36Speaker 02

  When a young person doesn't have their midriff out, they're Republican.

• 37:40Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 37:40Speaker 02

  That's what it's-

• 37:41Conan O'Brien?

  So, here's my question. So, are you more wood sprite? Are you elf? Uh, are you a phantasm? Uh, what are you? Are you, are you a creature made of leaves? I mean, what are you?

• 37:55Speaker 02

  In this boucle, I'm all, I'm all of the above in your boucle.

• 37:58Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, I have a question for the room. Has any guest moved the chair around more than Chris Fleming? You have-

• 38:05Speaker 01

  No.

• 38:05Speaker 03

  Not since you.

• 38:07Conan O'Brien?

  I move it a lot?

• 38:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think you do.

• 38:09Speaker 02

  You know, in, uh, in heat-

• 38:10Conan O'Brien?

  You know who didn't move at all? Pacino.

• 38:12Speaker 02

  Okay, but you know when Pacino and De Niro are talking in heat?

• 38:15Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 38:15Speaker 02

  In the diner?

• 38:16Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 38:16Speaker 02

  And, and, and, and De Niro's moving a little bit in case Pacino takes out the cuffs?

• 38:20Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 38:21Speaker 02

  That's what I'm doing, cause I know you're coming for me.

• 38:23Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 38:24Conan O'Brien?

  I'm like, here's my situation, I'm on the downside of a marriage. Yeah. That's, uh, that's, um, that's the-

• 38:29Speaker 02

  What was the normal life to you? Barbecues and ballgames?

• 38:32Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 38:36Speaker 02

  I watched that on loop.

• 38:37Conan O'Brien?

  That works both ways. If I see you coming, maybe I gotta put you down.

• 38:41Speaker 02

  And there's another flip side to that coin.

• 38:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 38:43Speaker 02

  If you see me see you coming, I'm gonna put me down.

• 38:47Conan O'Brien?

  But if I see you coming towards me, if I see you and you're headed towards me about to put yourself down, I may have to come over to where you are and put myself down, so I'm down before you.

• 38:59Speaker 02

  And there's another side of that lake.

• 39:01Conan O'Brien?

  Wait, we're on a lake now?

• 39:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:03Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 39:03Speaker 02

  If I see you see me thinking about putting yourself down, I'm gonna draft up my own suicide pact that I'm gonna have you sign so that I can

• 39:14Speaker 02

  put you down.

• 39:15Conan O'Brien?

  Why you breaking? Why you laughing? This is a serious matter here. Let me tell you, there's a flip flop side to this flip flop. Okay, we're gonna look at the other side of the onion now. We're inside the volcano looking out, okay? If I see you headed my way and you're gonna put yourself down on the other side of the lake,

• 39:32Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 39:33Conan O'Brien?

  I'm gonna take what you've done. I'm gonna take that note. I'm gonna copy it. I'm gonna put it through ChatGPT and submit it to Columbia University.

• 39:40Speaker 02

  I'm not sure what ChatGPT is, but if I tunnel to China.

• 39:44Conan O'Brien?

  It's a flip flop side. I, I, I have the same thing. I think we're probably obsessed with the same moments in movies where just I, that.

• 39:50Speaker 02

  Where Pacino needs notes but isn't getting them?

• 39:52Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, yeah, exactly.

• 39:56Speaker 02

  Come on! It's like, well, if he weren't Pacino, they would say, hey, let's dial that back a little bit.

• 40:00Conan O'Brien?

  He has a crazy shout in Heat.

• 40:03Speaker 02

  Oh, I mean, the, the ass.

• 40:04Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, the ass.

• 40:05Speaker 02

  His eyes bug. I guess it was the 14th thing.

• 40:07Conan O'Brien?

  Can you do it for me? Cause I can't remember the exact line.

• 40:09Speaker 02

  I don't even wanna try it, but it's Hank Azaria.

• 40:11Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 40:12Speaker 02

  Cowering in fear.

• 40:13Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 40:13Speaker 02

  And he goes, I don't know why I got caught up with that bitch. And then Pacino whips around and goes, cause she's got her. And he forgets his line for a second. His, his eyelids vanish and he goes, Great ass!

• 40:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 40:28Speaker 02

  And you got your head all the way up it. And Hank is just like.

• 40:32Conan O'Brien?

  Hank, yeah. Hank Azaria's head goes back through the chair.

• 40:37Speaker 02

  And that's how Pacino delivered every line in every movie after that.

• 40:42Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. I don't, I will, I'm a, I, I'm, anything Pacino does, anything. I'm with it all the way.

• 40:50Speaker 02

  Me too.

• 40:51Conan O'Brien?

  He is my favorite actor.

• 40:53Speaker 02

  Me too.

• 40:53Conan O'Brien?

  I can't take my eyes off of him.

• 40:55Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 40:55Conan O'Brien?

  I forgive, I don't even forgive it. I think whatever he does is by definition fantastic.

• 41:01Speaker 02

  Oh my god. When he's snapping his fingers, telling his wife why he's gotta stay on the edge.

• 41:05Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I gotta be.

• 41:06Speaker 02

  Yeah. Kicking the TV out of his car.

• 41:09Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 41:09Speaker 02

  Remember the, the guy who's hooking up with his wife?

• 41:12Conan O'Brien?

  By the way, screen Heat and then listen to this podcast.

• 41:14Speaker 02

  I know, I've never seen it, so I'm not the spoiler alert city.

• 41:18Conan O'Brien?

  It's so good.

• 41:19Speaker 02

  Yeah. It's like the climax of Heat is him kicking a TV out of his car in downtown LA. And they're blasting the song Ultramarine.

• 41:28Speaker 02

  Anyway, yeah, we should watch it together.

• 41:29Conan O'Brien?

  Listen, you took us down another road.

• 41:32Speaker 02

  Sorry.

• 41:33Conan O'Brien?

  There've been a few little cul-de-sacs you've taken us down.

• 41:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:37Conan O'Brien?

  And I won't stand for it. I wanna get us back on track here for a little bit. Pacino made another movie, Any Given Sunday.

• 41:45Speaker 02

  See, that's sports, really.

• 41:46Conan O'Brien?

  You have said, you have said that your concern sometimes is that you're not weird enough. That's a quote of yours, and I'm here to tell you, sir, fear not. Fear not. I'm here, I want to, I want you to have me on speed dial, and whenever you have that fear.

• 42:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:04Conan O'Brien?

  Call me, and I will talk you down.

• 42:06Speaker 02

  A dirty little freak, yeah. I, do you know what I mean by that, when I say like, it's not?

• 42:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, well, my, that your fear is you might catch your reflection when you're doing something slightly that's hacky, or you feel like, meh, this was my first thought, it wasn't my third thought?

• 42:24Speaker 02

  No, you know I do first thought. I do, I'm fully impulsive. I don't, I don't go, I don't have more than one.

• 42:30Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 42:31Speaker 02

  I just kinda, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. But it's like, I think it was starting out in stand-up in such a esoteric little club in Cambridge. Everyone was so freaky that I, as a child, felt, I started in high school doing stand-up. And so I felt kind of inadequate around the weirdos, the true weirdo. I did, I honor the freaks.

• 42:50Conan O'Brien?

  You felt that you were not freaky enough.

• 42:53Speaker 02

  That's right.

• 42:53Conan O'Brien?

  When you were starting out. That blows my mind. I wanna meet these other people.

• 42:58Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 42:58Conan O'Brien?

  I wanna meet these other.

• 43:00Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 43:00Conan O'Brien?

  Tribbles. Imagine. Little fuzzy people with one eyeball, a single leg that comes out and

• 43:10Conan O'Brien?

  you're not weird enough, Chris Fleming.

• 43:13Speaker 02

  They're building crafts.

• 43:14Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 43:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:15Conan O'Brien?

  We must go back to our planet now.

• 43:17Speaker 02

  It's seaworthy. No, no, they want to go. They're building a ship.

• 43:20Conan O'Brien?

  They're building a ship. Very nice.

• 43:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:22Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, yeah, that's, and so you start to do, here's the, I had this experience when I went to see your show, uh, your stand-up show here in LA.

• 43:31Speaker 02

  At the Wilshire Ebel.

• 43:32Conan O'Brien?

  At the Wilshire Ebel, yeah. And I went to see it and I'm walking in, we park. My wife and my kids are walking towards the theater and we see all these people who you could just tell are here to see Chris Fleming, and I mean that in the nicest way.

• 43:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 43:49Conan O'Brien?

  They're really creative, everybody's, it was, everyone was on the exact same frequency and we all packed this theater. It, I'm assuming that you start out in Massachusetts and you have your years in the wilderness. But when you do these shows now and the place is packed with people that are hanging on every word. And you can't do anything that's going to be off-putting to them. That's gotta be an incredible.

• 44:17Speaker 02

  Oh, oh, yeah. No, it's, it's, it's sensational. It's, it's like, you have to be held like that and

• 44:25Speaker 02

  almost everywhere, not Phila- Philadelphia is pretty rough on me, but everywhere else is.

• 44:29Conan O'Brien?

  They're rough on everyone. They will throw a battery at you if they don't like what you're doing.

• 44:32Speaker 02

  It is crazy, Philadelphia. But, but, um, I was just there. But no, it's, it's unbelievable. And there's a part of me that's like, it, it's almost like it's enough where we're at right now. Like, I kind of just want to retain this. I'm not, I'm not really too keen necessarily even on like expansion because I feel to be seen like that by people and encouraged, it really makes you feel like it's so effortless. It's so beautiful.

• 44:56Conan O'Brien?

  But there's also, there's no, there's this flawed concept that you have to keep.

• 45:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:02Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, this is a really good restaurant. We have to get to the point where there's fif- there's eighteen in every state across the country and they have to be everywhere. It has to be a franchise and you need to keep leveling up. And I think there is nothing better than paying your rent, doing the thing that's exactly what you want to do.

• 45:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:24Conan O'Brien?

  And because of the world we live in now, like I say, it's not big tent anymore. So it's not network nineteen sixty-seven where you need- you'll get canceled if you're-

• 45:35Speaker 02

  Right.

• 45:36Conan O'Brien?

  Only thirty million people are watching your show.

• 45:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:39Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, my God, what an embarrassment. You got beaten by Mr. Ed last night. You're out.

• 45:43Speaker 02

  No one in Rapid City tuned in.

• 45:45Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, exactly. You're done. You're done, kid. And then you're parking cars the next day across the street from Chasen's. Uh, that's not the world we're in now. You- what you need to do is just keep doing what you've been doing. That's it.

• 45:58Speaker 02

  Exactly. I mean, and it's like, there is that, there is that like American thing in me of like, um, expansion or whatever, that I, that I don't really feel so much anymore because I have done big rooms that, for that are not my crowds. And to not be seen and not be understood and to not have a curious audience, even though it is massive or whatever. It's, it's a horrifying experience. And so it, it's really, I'm really, really grateful at just kind of keeping my head down and just keep doing what I'm doing.

• 46:30Conan O'Brien?

  What is it like for you if you are, are in front of a crowd, let's say Philly or some town where-

• 46:36Speaker 02

  Philly wasn't that bad.

• 46:36Conan O'Brien?

  No, you're exaggerating.

• 46:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 46:38Conan O'Brien?

  Um, they attacked you three times. That's-

• 46:41Speaker 02

  They did piss me off a bit.

• 46:43Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, what do you like when, yes, I, I've seen you when the crowd is right there and everyone's with you.

• 46:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:51Conan O'Brien?

  When you're taking your flights of comedic fancy and for some reason they're not going with you. Do you try and get them back or do you have a fuck it gene?

• 47:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, I, I, at this point, I'm like, I don't need to, I, I'm not gonna try to win anybody over. I, I would have as a younger person.

• 47:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 47:09Speaker 02

  But I, I, I don't feel that anymore and it gets really fuck it and I can get a little bitchy. And that can allow you to write jokes that you would not, when you're heightened in an angry way, you can also, your brain can function in a different way. And I have found that to be productive in some ways. But it's pretty gruesome. And especially if doing physical stuff, if they're not laughing, I can get locked somewhere. Like, I need the laughs to push, like, I got stuck in like a half somersault and, because they weren't laughing.

• 47:36Conan O'Brien?

  Defying gravity is what you're saying. You're just frozen in the air.

• 47:39Speaker 02

  No, no, on the ground.

• 47:40Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, on the ground, yeah, yeah.

• 47:41Speaker 02

  On the ground, like, in one of these, and I needed the laughs to push me, but I could, but they never came.

• 47:47Conan O'Brien?

  That's the worst. I always think, that's up there with, if you do a bit that involves you running out of the room and no one laughs, the walk back is the saddest thing in comedy. You do a bit where you're like, oh no, yeah, woo, I'm out of here. And you run out of the room, it's silence, and then you can hear your shoes squeaking as you walk back in the room and it's, oh, yeah, anyway, that was good, what you were saying. It's just the worst.

• 48:15Speaker 02

  Do you mean doing this socially or on tape?

• 48:18Conan O'Brien?

  It's all the same to me, man. Why draw distinctions?

• 48:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, you got a laugh quota every day that you gotta fill.

• 48:24Conan O'Brien?

  If you commit to something physical and people aren't there with you.

• 48:27Speaker 02

  Oh, it's rigor mortis.

• 48:29Conan O'Brien?

  It's a true horror show.

• 48:30Speaker 02

  Completely, completely.

• 48:32Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, that's why, then the only thing to do is go twice as hard.

• 48:38Speaker 02

  But, no, but see, I can't, I just, I freeze. But see, that tells you, you're in fight or flight, you fight, I freeze. So, so if you are, if you're mad, you'll go even, you'll go more physical. I, look, because you've done so many tapings for so many audiences, you must have a, a, a thing in you that you can tap into to go, I, I need to work not in collaboration with this audience.

• 49:03Conan O'Brien?

  I guess, maybe, I don't know. Yes, I, I think it's just called, yeah, Hours in the Cockpit, but you too, I mean, we just, we both have, we're both in the same situation. The thing I love about your work is that it's, you've never done one thing that I would have thought of, not one. I look at you and I think, I very much feel a kindred spirit with this fellow. And all the stuff you're coming from and your point of view and your physicality is very different from me. And so I can just enjoy it as a fan. And I'm just waiting to hear what you come up with next. It's just, that is for me.

• 49:43Speaker 02

  That's darling.

• 49:45Speaker 02

  That's really darling.

• 49:45Conan O'Brien?

  It's true.

• 49:46Speaker 02

  I know, I believe you. No, thank you.

• 49:48Conan O'Brien?

  It's not that true. Said it to fill time.

• 49:51Speaker 01

  You were so close.

• 49:52Conan O'Brien?

  Can I say one thing? Nothing I've said so far in praise has been true.

• 49:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, I know.

• 49:56Conan O'Brien?

  It's all been kind of a bit within a bit.

• 49:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:59Conan O'Brien?

  Did you notice I was doing this every time I said I really liked your work?

• 50:02Speaker 02

  I felt something under the table.

• 50:03Conan O'Brien?

  Little air quotes, yeah. No, I meant everything I just said, 100%. That's what's endlessly fun about watching you do your thing is, and you don't make any concessions.

• 50:17Speaker 02

  No.

• 50:17Conan O'Brien?

  In the best way. This is the idea you had.

• 50:20Speaker 02

  Do you think you make concessions?

• 50:22Conan O'Brien?

  Um.

• 50:23Speaker 02

  I don't think you make concessions.

• 50:24Conan O'Brien?

  I, I think I did. I, I think I, there were times in, yeah, I think there were times in, uh, interviews for all those years when I was doing Late Night, where I would, you had a choice sometimes, what's the funniest thing I could do versus what would a good host do? And I would let good host win because I-

• 50:45Speaker 02

  Cause you're not a psychopath.

• 50:46Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, well, also-

• 50:47Speaker 03

  Well, let's, let's, let's be careful there. That's, uh, I will say-

• 50:51Conan O'Brien?

  He's definitely a psychopath, yeah, psychopath. I'm a psychopath who, uh, or sociopath, choose, or both, uh, psychosociopath.

• 50:59Speaker 03

  You know how to pose as someone.

• 51:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, yes, yes, yes, that's it, that's it, yeah. No, but I do have, if I'm out with somebody in front of a crowd.

• 51:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:08Conan O'Brien?

  I do, I don't want them to get hurt. Does that make sense?

• 51:12Speaker 02

  That's beautiful.

• 51:13Conan O'Brien?

  Like, I don't want them to get hurt, so-

• 51:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:15Conan O'Brien?

  There were plenty of times where you could tell, like, it's your job as a host, which I took really seriously, to take care of this person, even if you're deep down a sociopath. You, I felt the need to do that, and that would make me, it sounds like a selfless thing, it wasn't, it's selfish. I'm not happy if I'm out there with someone who's really unhappy, unless they really deserve it. But if they're unhappy, I can't do my thing. It doesn't work.

• 51:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, I, I don't see that as selfish. I mean-

• 51:43Conan O'Brien?

  No, I'm being really strict.

• 51:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 51:44Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Strictest terms. I, I'm very, I get very squeamish when people, uh, try and pretend that they're being selfless when I think, I, I know, I've really, when people-

• 51:56Conan O'Brien?

  Present themselves as selfless. And when you look at it, they're doing it in their own self-interest. And so it's not really selfless. I get very particular about it.

• 52:04Speaker 02

  To preserve your comfort.

• 52:05Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 52:05Speaker 02

  Of course.

• 52:05Conan O'Brien?

  So I just try to be stringent about that.

• 52:07Speaker 02

  I feel the same way.

• 52:08Conan O'Brien?

  Which means strict.

• 52:09Speaker 02

  But, but the fact that you can do man on the street stuff. I couldn't do that because I don't even like the idea of, like, I, I like being onstage and just a black space, a void. The idea of like potentially, I don't know how you do that, working with other people, like randos on the street.

• 52:26Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 52:27Speaker 02

  And then they must get uncomfortable occasionally.

• 52:29Conan O'Brien?

  You know.

• 52:29Speaker 02

  But you probably are really good at it.

• 52:30Conan O'Brien?

  They mostly, it's funny, when we do the, all those years of doing the remotes, I always, I think if the other person was really uncomfortable, I don't think we'd end up using it.

• 52:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, right.

• 52:42Conan O'Brien?

  Because it, and now again, not to be nice, but it probably wouldn't be that good. Now, every now and then, there's someone who deserves, uh, every now and then, I get, eh, yeah.

• 52:53Speaker 02

  The claws, the talons?

• 52:55Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 52:55Speaker 02

  Who, what guests do you think deserved, have deserved the Conan talons?

• 52:58Conan O'Brien?

  Well, that's for a second podcast we do where there's no microphone.

• 53:03Conan O'Brien?

  We only had the Pope on once. Boy, was he a prick.

• 53:08Speaker 02

  Remember he texted me after you did your Hot Ones, the day your Hot Ones came out?

• 53:11Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, yeah.

• 53:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was trending everywhere. And then Conan texts me, he goes, "Watch my Hot Ones, I fucking killed that shit."

• 53:17Conan O'Brien?

  I did. And you know, cause I wanted.

• 53:19Speaker 02

  And he did, and he did.

• 53:20Conan O'Brien?

  But you know what I did it for? Not to brag.

• 53:23Speaker 02

  No, of course not.

• 53:24Conan O'Brien?

  But my thing is, I feel that I'm your tutor, I'm your mentor, and I was trying to show you what a real man does. You know.

• 53:32Speaker 02

  He eats buffalo wings.

• 53:33Conan O'Brien?

  And you.

• 53:34Speaker 02

  Were you doing your conservatorship on it?

• 53:37Conan O'Brien?

  But you know, you would have had a little bite of a wing and then scuttled away and done, become a bunch of different characters.

• 53:44Speaker 02

  Oh, I wouldn't have been able to take what you did.

• 53:46Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, that's what I wanted you to do.

• 53:47Speaker 02

  Truly.

• 53:48Conan O'Brien?

  This whole thing was a sting operation, and I just got it.

• 53:51Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 53:51Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 53:52Speaker 02

  I would have had a panic attack.

• 53:53Conan O'Brien?

  My Hot Ones beat the Hot Ones you're going to do in the future.

• 53:57Speaker 02

  In 30 years?

• 53:58Conan O'Brien?

  In 30 years, when you do Hot Ones.

• 54:00Speaker 02

  In hospice care, when I'm sundowning.

• 54:02Conan O'Brien?

  The host Sean is like a very old man, and he has no lip. Because he's been eating hot sauce for 40 years.

• 54:09Speaker 02

  No chin.

• 54:10Conan O'Brien?

  He just has, that's where bone, bone is coming through.

• 54:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:13Conan O'Brien?

  He looks like the red skull that battled Captain America. He's got pieces of bone coming through.

• 54:18Speaker 02

  Don't lump me in with every nerd thing.

• 54:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, you know.

• 54:21Speaker 01

  You know.

• 54:22Speaker 02

  I'm not really a Marvel guy.

• 54:23Conan O'Brien?

  You know, like when a bed wetter, you know.

• 54:25Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 54:25Conan O'Brien?

  Now that I do know. You know, like when someone's like, oh, there's a girl. Oh, you're scared.

• 54:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 54:31Conan O'Brien?

  You know when people's afraid of cootie?

• 54:32Speaker 01

  Cooties, cooties.

• 54:33Speaker 02

  What are you doing? I like cooties singularly.

• 54:35Conan O'Brien?

  Why are you doing this?

• 54:36Speaker 01

  I don't know. It just felt like we were piling on.

• 54:38Speaker 02

  Piling on like a bully.

• 54:40Speaker 01

  Because he said cooties and I was like, of course.

• 54:41Conan O'Brien?

  You know when people pretend to like America when they don't?

• 54:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 54:44Conan O'Brien?

  Anyway.

• 54:45Speaker 01

  Just describing.

• 54:46Speaker 02

  When you did that move, I thought of the, you, the, the, the trailer that you were in with Rose Byrne, where you got the glasses on.

• 54:52Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 54:52Speaker 02

  You look like every woman that taught me in elementary school.

• 54:54Conan O'Brien?

  And that's what I'm, that's what I'm going for.

• 54:56Speaker 02

  I went.

• 54:57Conan O'Brien?

  That's what I'm going for.

• 54:58Speaker 02

  I went.

• 54:59Speaker 01

  Oh, right.

• 55:02Conan O'Brien?

  Chris Fleming, Chris Fleming. He's the funniest guy in town. Chris Fleming, he's always around.

• 55:10Speaker 02

  And we're in Cleveland, by the way. We're.

• 55:12Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, there's no one funny here.

• 55:13Speaker 02

  The town is Cleveland.

• 55:15Conan O'Brien?

  I'm just looking through your papers. It says here you owe me.

• 55:18Speaker 02

  My forms?

• 55:18Conan O'Brien?

  Eight thousand dollars.

• 55:20Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 55:20Conan O'Brien?

  That's interesting.

• 55:21Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 55:21Conan O'Brien?

  Um, look, this is the first guest we've had who paid to be on the podcast. This is a paper play.

• 55:29Conan O'Brien?

  I'm really gonna try and get some money out of you for this.

• 55:31Speaker 02

  I know.

• 55:32Conan O'Brien?

  I do believe, I'm gonna wrap this up. I do believe this. I believe that the almighty, the almighty God, put this man on the earth just to amuse me.

• 55:42Speaker 02

  I agree.

• 55:43Conan O'Brien?

  And I'm eternally grateful to that God because, look at him. He's, his fingers are vibrating. I so wanna reach across the table and throw him over the room.

• 55:52Speaker 02

  No.

• 55:52Conan O'Brien?

  But I won't, because I'm a kind man.

• 55:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:55Conan O'Brien?

  Or good at posing as a kind man.

• 55:56Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 55:57Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 55:57Speaker 02

  Even then.

• 55:58Conan O'Brien?

  But I'm so overjoyed to see what you do next, and all I ask is that I get to come watch it.

• 56:03Speaker 02

  Oh, you're the best, Conan. You're truly the best. Thanks, man.

• 56:06Conan O'Brien?

  That's all I want.

• 56:06Speaker 02

  I look up to you so much, so thank you.

• 56:08Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 56:08Conan O'Brien?

  That's so nice. See, he was nice at the end.

• 56:10Speaker 02

  No, it's like there's, there's people, when, when people, when, you know, there's certain people that give you praise that keeps. You know, that's what that buys you years of doing the things that you feel strong about doing. And he's one of them? I'm so, oh, big time. Oh, my God. Of course.

• 56:24Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I did some work in the early 90s that was memorable.

• 56:27Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 56:28Conan O'Brien?

  That's all I'm gonna say.

• 56:29Speaker 02

  Alright.

• 56:29Conan O'Brien?

  Um, I want you out of here.

• 56:30Speaker 02

  I know, I get that.

• 56:31Conan O'Brien?

  How did you get here? Did you get here in a, a car, some kind of, I'm picturing like a VW bug.

• 56:36Speaker 02

  It's pumpkin yellow.

• 56:41Speaker 02

  You wanna see it?

• 56:43Conan O'Brien?

  Do you really, what do you really have? I wanna know what's down there.

• 56:45Speaker 02

  Well, you wanna see the other one?

• 56:46Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 56:47Speaker 02

  Okay, well, I'll show you after. I, I have one car now that I drive, it's, I drive on the right side, it's a Japanese car. And so cops look and they're like, should we shoot the tires out?

• 56:58Conan O'Brien?

  It's a Waymo?

• 56:58Speaker 02

  But they don't.

• 57:01Speaker 02

  It's called a Nissan Figaro.

• 57:02Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, nice.

• 57:03Speaker 02

  It's tiny.

• 57:04Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, yeah.

• 57:05Speaker 02

  You wanna go on a ride sometime?

• 57:06Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I will.

• 57:06Speaker 02

  The battery died.

• 57:07Conan O'Brien?

  Let's do something. I, I really do, I really do wanna go and get a meal with you.

• 57:12Speaker 02

  Let's do it. I haven't seen you in a while.

• 57:13Conan O'Brien?

  You've been, uh, and, you know, my family, anytime you wanted to come over and do a tight 10, and then we'll give you a little, yeah, little pita sandwich, some creamed corn on it. What? It's my favorite meal. Uh, we'd have you over, seriously. You're a wonderful person. I'm just gonna say this to all of our listeners, if you haven't seen Chris Fleming do his thing, go online, start watching, You'll Never Stop. Uh, he's a brilliant, brilliant fellow. Peace out, Tupac. Uh, props to your mother. Uh, I got nothing, no way to end this.

• 57:48Speaker 01

  Just say thank you, bye.

• 57:50Conan O'Brien?

  Looking at my hand right now, it's really dry.

• 57:51Speaker 02

  Just cut my, uh, Eduardo, cut the mic.

• 57:53Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, cut the mic. No, cut the mic.

• 57:54Speaker 02

  Three, two, one.

• 58:02Conan O'Brien?

  Owning a car or home comes with responsibilities. Sure, it's fun, but sometimes it makes you wonder why you ever longed for adulthood in the first place. I do that all the time. I'm like, oh, these bills, these bills. What am I gonna do?

• 58:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:14Conan O'Brien?

  You know, when you own a house, you gotta fix it yourself, Sona.

• 58:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:17Conan O'Brien?

  You, you see this to be true, right?

• 58:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, your garage door breaks and you're like, well, I have to fix it.

• 58:22Conan O'Brien?

  Probably at first you said, hey, I'll get the super to fix it. It's your house, dude.

• 58:26Speaker 01

  Fine dude.

• 58:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, Liberty Mutual customizes your car and home insurance to save you money. In fact, they work overtime to tailor your insurance policy around what you actually need. The only thing they can't do is get that Liberty, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty jingle out of your head.

• 58:39Speaker 01

  Liberty, Liberty, Liberty.

• 58:41Conan O'Brien?

  It's in my head all the time.

• 58:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, me too.

• 58:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Start your quote at LibertyMutual.com.

• 58:50Conan O'Brien?

  This fall, I want to try something different.

• 58:51Speaker 01

  What?

• 58:52Conan O'Brien?

  I like to change it up. I like to learn things, so I'm going to try and make apple cider.

• 58:55Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 58:56Conan O'Brien?

  Every morning.

• 58:57Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 58:57Conan O'Brien?

  This fall, just to see if I can do it.

• 58:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:59Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, fall's the perfect season to try something new, like joining T-Mobile.

• 59:03Speaker 01

  Oh, that's good.

• 59:04Conan O'Brien?

  See what I did?

• 59:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:05Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, there are 250 reasons to join T-Mobile right now. You want to hear what they are?

• 59:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:09Conan O'Brien?

  They're America's best network.

• 59:11Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 59:11Conan O'Brien?

  True story. Plus, T-Mobile has got off-grid satellite coverage. That comes in really handy. I like to just wander in the woods sometimes.

• 59:18Speaker 01

  Oh, that's weird.

• 59:19Conan O'Brien?

  When I'm thinking about, like, making apple cider. And that's when it comes in handy. Here's another reason: high-speed data in over 215 countries and destinations. I travel a lot for the

• 59:28Speaker 01

  You travel a lot.

• 59:29Conan O'Brien?

  travel show that I do.

• 59:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:30Conan O'Brien?

  Stream this podcast while ignoring local landmarks. That's always fun to do. Like, oh, look, there's the Mona Lisa. Yeah, check it out. I'm in the Louvre. I should, but I'm listening to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

• 59:40Speaker 01

  That doesn't seem like a good idea.

• 59:42Conan O'Brien?

  It's a great idea.

• 59:43Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 59:43Conan O'Brien?

  You know, you can see art anytime. But how often can you listen to this podcast?

• 59:48Speaker 01

  My god.

• 59:49Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. No, all these reasons make T-Mobile a great choice.

• 59:53Speaker 01

  I agree.

• 59:53Conan O'Brien?

  T-Mobile is stacking up reasons to join. Go to T-Mobile.com and find yours best. Based on analysis by Ookla of speed test intelligence data first half of 2026. Can't believe I read that. T-Satellite with capable devices in most outdoor areas in the US where you can see the sky. High-speed international data with qualifying plan. Visit T-Mobile.com. Consult a physician. I just threw that in there.

• 1:00:18Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:00:21Conan O'Brien?

  Coca-Cola Zero Sugar is so good, it's almost impossible not to finish it before the meal arrives. It's just too good to wait. That happens to me sometimes.

• 1:00:30Speaker 01

  Me too.

• 1:00:30Conan O'Brien?

  You can try rules like no sipping until the appetizer arrives, or you tell your friend, "Don't let me touch my glass." But every time you're staring at an empty glass. So if you've ever finished your Coke Zero before the first fry hits the table, you're among friends. It happens. Occupational hazard with Coke Zero.

• 1:00:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:48Conan O'Brien?

  Real Coca-Cola-taste, zero sugar, too good to wait. Enjoy an ice cold Coca-Cola Zero Sugar today.

• 1:01:02Speaker 03

  Blay, you're joining us here because we have to ask you a question. We need to get to the bottom of something.

• 1:01:06Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 1:01:06Speaker 03

  Okay, when we record, you sit back there with Eduardo and Adam. And we took a picture of a recent session. We're gonna bring it up on the screen here.

• 1:01:14Conan O'Brien?

  Let's take a look here.

• 1:01:14Speaker 03

  And we just want answers. This is what you brought in.

• 1:01:17Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:18Speaker 03

  Five cans of sulfur water and a hand sanitizer.

• 1:01:22Conan O'Brien?

  Well, the hand sanitizer's not mine.

• 1:01:23Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:01:24Conan O'Brien?

  Because I don't... It's... When I use hand sanitizer, I don't... I don't use hand sanitizer.

• 1:01:28Speaker 03

  Do you drink that much in a session?

• 1:01:30Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:01:31Speaker 03

  Really?

• 1:01:32Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, easily. Not shown is probably the coffee I finished.

• 1:01:35Speaker 03

  How do you not have to pee five minutes in?

• 1:01:37Speaker 01

  That's what I was just gonna ask.

• 1:01:38Conan O'Brien?

  I have a big bladder, but I didn't want to offer that information.

• 1:01:41Speaker 01

  How do you know your bladder's big? Just because you don't have to go pee-pee all the time?

• 1:01:45Conan O'Brien?

  Because I could drink that much and be fine.

• 1:01:46Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:01:47Speaker 03

  I'm impressed.

• 1:01:48Conan O'Brien?

  You know what's interesting? Look at his body language right now.

• 1:01:50Speaker 01

  Why are you so defensive?

• 1:01:51Conan O'Brien?

  I don't like being at this table.

• 1:01:53Speaker 01

  Why are you so defensive?

• 1:01:54Conan O'Brien?

  I don't like being at this table. Can I run this for one second? You have your arms crossed in front of you.

• 1:02:01Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:02:02Conan O'Brien?

  That was the universal sign for it.

• 1:02:03Speaker 01

  You think that's gonna work? You think that's gonna work?

• 1:02:06Conan O'Brien?

  I'm doing this.

• 1:02:07Speaker 01

  You do you.

• 1:02:08Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 1:02:08Speaker 01

  U T U.

• 1:02:09Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no. No, no, no, don't say this to you.

• 1:02:12Speaker 01

  U T U.

• 1:02:12Conan O'Brien?

  No, U T U. U T I.

• 1:02:17Conan O'Brien?

  Listen, I need to conduct a serious interrogation here.

• 1:02:19Speaker 01

  I'm not talking.

• 1:02:20Conan O'Brien?

  The pointing. You're not talking. I'll call Ripley's Believe It or Not.

• 1:02:23Speaker 03

  This is not a gotcha thing either. I'm just curious.

• 1:02:25Conan O'Brien?

  Clearly, clearly, this isn't a gotcha thing. But why... You love being in here. Your leg is going like a jackhammer. You have your arms crossed in front of you like you're defiant. Right. And you're shouting. You always shout into the microphone, does he not, Eduardo?

• 1:02:38Speaker 02

  This is true.

• 1:02:39Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, why can't you... I'm known to be loud, but I do lower my voice when we're on the microphone. Right. You shout when you get on the microphone. I am... Too loud.

• 1:02:50Speaker 04

  Excited to be here always. I love what I do. And I love working for you and I love working with my best friends. And I am excited to be here.

• 1:02:58Conan O'Brien?

  Good answer.

• 1:02:59Speaker 04

  Thank you so much. I've said previously on this podcast, guys, back me up. When you're behind this counter, it feels like you're very far away. Out of the action. So I feel like I need to project. I have a lar- large head.

• 1:03:13Conan O'Brien?

  But you understand how microphones work, right?

• 1:03:15Speaker 03

  This is not why we brought you to the table.

• 1:03:17Speaker 04

  I have a large head and it just comes out of me, man. It just reverberates. It's like talking to a cave.

• 1:03:22Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, I just wanted to attack you a little bit.

• 1:03:24Speaker 04

  Jesus.

• 1:03:25Conan O'Brien?

  And make you self-conscious.

• 1:03:25Speaker 04

  Yes, it's working.

• 1:03:27Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, settle down. And remember, that's a very, that's a very sensitive.

• 1:03:30Speaker 03

  You let my client say his piece.

• 1:03:32Speaker 04

  Thank you. Um, thank you.

• 1:03:33Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, and now I'm gonna make the.

• 1:03:35Speaker 04

  You know!

• 1:03:35Conan O'Brien?

  This goes for men and women too.

• 1:03:37Speaker 04

  God, Jesus.

• 1:03:38Conan O'Brien?

  This means add a little paprika.

• 1:03:40Speaker 04

  It looks like you're trying to give me like a, like a, like a, what is this called? I don't want to say.

• 1:03:44Speaker 01

  Nipple, nipple twister, purple nurple.

• 1:03:46Speaker 04

  I was gonna say titty twister is what I called it as a child.

• 1:03:49Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, well.

• 1:03:50Speaker 04

  A purple nurple?

• 1:03:51Conan O'Brien?

  Thanks, body mouth.

• 1:03:52Speaker 01

  I thought it was purple nurple.

• 1:03:53Speaker 04

  It's a purple nurple.

• 1:03:54Conan O'Brien?

  I do think I'm gonna turn this back to Matt because he had some kind of idea here. I don't, if the idea was, you drink four cans of water, I'll be, I'll be shocked. If you've built, if you've built your church on sand, I will be shocked. But I'm sure there's something big coming here. What you got, Matt?

• 1:04:13Speaker 03

  No, I'm, I'm abstaining. I'm not getting involved.

• 1:04:16Speaker 01

  Hey, but that's a lot.

• 1:04:17Speaker 04

  Get him!

• 1:04:18Speaker 01

  Isn't that a lot? Isn't that a lot?

• 1:04:21Speaker 03

  Five cans in?

• 1:04:22Speaker 01

  By, in like, in like 45 minutes?

• 1:04:24Speaker 04

  No, these, these could be like two hours.

• 1:04:27Speaker 03

  But how do you open them during an interview and we don't hear it?

• 1:04:29Speaker 04

  I will say, I wait till there's laughter and I go underneath the table. Eduardo sees this. I go way underneath the table. It's just true. And it's, so it's like, I wait for like, ha, ha, ha, ha. Underneath the table. No one hears it. So I defy our listeners, can you hear me ever open a can of pop?

• 1:04:45Speaker 03

  No, I never do.

• 1:04:46Speaker 04

  Yeah, thank you.

• 1:04:47Conan O'Brien?

  Well, it's not a can of pop. This is just, um.

• 1:04:49Speaker 04

  Well, soda. It's all the same. Is it soda?

• 1:04:52Speaker 03

  It's something.

• 1:04:52Conan O'Brien?

  You know what you could do is pre-open them.

• 1:04:54Speaker 04

  Yeah, but then they get flat.

• 1:04:55Conan O'Brien?

  They don't really get that flat.

• 1:04:56Speaker 04

  We're here for two hours. You know, I do all, I will say.

• 1:05:00Speaker 03

  You're being fine talking about four cans of pop.

• 1:05:01Conan O'Brien?

  I will pre-open a couple. I think this is one of the best things you've ever brought to the podcast.

• 1:05:04Speaker 03

  I agree.

• 1:05:05Conan O'Brien?

  The great mystery of the four cans of pop.

• 1:05:09Speaker 03

  I agree. Okay, so let me just get something straight. You always say you want something to talk about, and I bring you something to talk about, and this is the response I get.

• 1:05:18Conan O'Brien?

  I'm sorry.

• 1:05:18Speaker 01

  I call bullshit on you.

• 1:05:20Conan O'Brien?

  I apologize. I apologize.

• 1:05:22Speaker 01

  What did you bring to talk about?

• 1:05:23Speaker 03

  What did you bring today?

• 1:05:24Conan O'Brien?

  I apologize. I assumed that if we were gonna bring something, it'd be something of quality.

• 1:05:30Speaker 03

  Oh, my God. Never again. I will never bring another thing.

• 1:05:34Conan O'Brien?

  I brought something too. Ah, Sona, you keep these tissues handy. These Kleenex.

• 1:05:41Speaker 03

  Oh, my God.

• 1:05:42Conan O'Brien?

  I charge you with needing, do you need all of these?

• 1:05:45Speaker 03

  This is also something.

• 1:05:46Conan O'Brien?

  Are you a real nose blower, or are you an eye wiper? If I can get hours out of this, look, it's on my head.

• 1:05:56Speaker 03

  If you found this out, you would go for 15 minutes on him if you found it of your own accord.

• 1:06:00Conan O'Brien?

  I don't, I don't agree. I, uh, listen, I find you guilty. And, and, and maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you having four cans of pop is a deep vein of ore, and I'm being ignorant.

• 1:06:14Speaker 03

  Well, look.

• 1:06:14Conan O'Brien?

  So let's explore it more. So what else?

• 1:06:17Speaker 03

  We're actually out of time.

• 1:06:18Conan O'Brien?

  Now, the pop, where do you, how far beneath the table to hold the can of aforementioned pop before you ignite the grenade that makes such a loud noise? You know what I am thinking of now is that he must be tortured when the, when the conversation gets kind of serious, and he really wants, maybe he's had a lot of saltines, and he really wants to open his can of pop, but he can't because there's no laughter. And I've taken us down, I'm taking us on a road of, well, jeez, and so, well, I'm really sorry that you lost your father. Were you close to your father? I was very close to my father. Oh, I see. And you're just there struggling, and then you're probably trying to force a laugh. Ha, ha, you ever heard of a laugh joke?

• 1:06:58Speaker 03

  Seems like you got a lot of material out of this suggestion.

• 1:07:00Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? You've been, this is, I'm, I'm helping you by making this very funny with my mind. You are. That is, that is honestly, that is really, if you want the honest truth, that is actually truly the case. I do get annoyed when the podcast gets serious, and I'm very thirsty, because I'm just waiting.

• 1:07:15Speaker 04

  For life, and I will say, and I hesitate to even bring this up.

• 1:07:20Conan O'Brien?

  Remember the time we had a fireman's widow on? And she was recently widowed? And she was really upset, and I was talking to her about the pain of loss. Remember? And then you were in the corner, and I couldn't see what you're holding on to the table, and you kept going, "Knock, knock, knock, knock." "Who's there? Dishes, dishes, Sean Connery." And I was like, "What?" And the woman said, "I just lost my husband in a fire." And you were like, and I heard,

• 1:07:45Speaker 04

  Uh, I, I,

• 1:07:46Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, Adam has, Adam has something to say, and I respect it.

• 1:07:48Speaker 02

  I was just gonna say, I think the intention here was, you know, if you remember, Blay narked on Eduardo for watching soccer. And I think the intention here was to, I, was to, was to kinda get some revenge on Blay. I don't think this delivered necessarily, so we need to figure out a way to get a better revenge.

• 1:08:02Speaker 05

  Let the record, let the record state, this is not revenge at all, yet.

• 1:08:07Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, but, but I will say, I will say, yes.

• 1:08:09Speaker 02

  Why is Blay?

• 1:08:10Conan O'Brien?

  Listen, Blay, why did you just high five him that you need greater revenge? Brought upon you. You dummy.

• 1:08:17Speaker 04

  Wait, what?

• 1:08:18Conan O'Brien?

  He just said, "This doesn't count as revenge against me, because it's not mean enough." And you, you high, you gave him a fist bump.

• 1:08:27Speaker 04

  I, I thought he was-

• 1:08:28Conan O'Brien?

  He just said, "I, you're, let's convict him to death, and hang him, and by the neck." And you went, "Yeah," and fist bumped him.

• 1:08:34Speaker 04

  I kind of wasn't paying attention.

• 1:08:36Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, I know, I know, you're thinking about your next can of pop.

• 1:08:39Speaker 03

  Well, you did have something to say, what was it?

• 1:08:41Speaker 04

  Uh, oh, I was gonna say, I-

• 1:08:43Speaker 03

  Please, please speak more quietly. I'll let the man talk. Let the man talk.

• 1:08:48Speaker 01

  I think it's a normal volume, personally. I think he is speaking at a normal volume.

• 1:08:53Conan O'Brien?

  That's a fist bump.

• 1:08:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:08:54Conan O'Brien?

  That's a fist bump. Oh my god, I think he's getting a headache.

• 1:08:58Speaker 03

  This room is, is hell. This is hell.

• 1:09:02Speaker 04

  This is your segment?

• 1:09:03Speaker 03

  I know.

• 1:09:04Speaker 04

  All right, look, I was gonna say, I do burst in sometimes.

• 1:09:08Speaker 05

  Now that's revenge.

• 1:09:09Speaker 01

  Yeah! Eduardo, Eduardo, Eduardo, Eduardo, Eduardo.

• 1:09:16Conan O'Brien?

  Nice. Never screw with the guy who controls the volume knob. I want to clarify something. I think this is a great thing that you brought in because I could go after you. That was fun for me and we got a lot of good, hard laughs. Me mocking you, doing the whole bit with the Kleenex tissues. We'll probably get a Kleenex tie in now. I was on cloud nine. So, um, did I throw you under the bus? Sure I did, but it was a lot of fun and we had a lot of yucks. And, um, Eduardo, I still think we have to try again to, uh, to get Blake. Even though we've gotten him twice in this segment. We will. Yeah. And so, uh, I'm gonna keep an eye and if you break, if you keep some jelly beans back there, I'll be all over you like a cheap suit. You know, I say bring it on. Oh, wow. I say bring it on. Challenge accepted.

• 1:10:00Speaker 01

  I feel like a lot goes on back here that we don't know about.

• 1:10:03Conan O'Brien?

  This is the real podcast.

• 1:10:04Speaker 01

  Cans are being opened. Are you doing a crossword puzzle ever, Adam? Be serious.

• 1:10:08Conan O'Brien?

  No, but I check my phone a lot. He checks his phone a lot, yeah. He also has worry beads. He's always rubbing worry beads. And, uh, if he thinks that the podcast has lost its way and is no longer relevant. I can hear rattle, rattle, rattle.

• 1:10:23Speaker 01

  One day we should, the three of us should be back here and they should be up here.

• 1:10:26Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, that's an idea.

• 1:10:28Speaker 01

  Is it?

• 1:10:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:29Speaker 01

  Who's gonna do what Eduardo's doing? Oh, I guess Matt could do it.

• 1:10:32Speaker 03

  If he shows me the basics, I can do it.

• 1:10:34Speaker 01

  I'll be Blake.

• 1:10:35Conan O'Brien?

  I think it's two knobs, frankly, Eduardo.

• 1:10:37Speaker 01

  Matt will be Eduardo.

• 1:10:38Conan O'Brien?

  One says louder and one says quieter.

• 1:10:40Speaker 01

  Conan will be Adam.

• 1:10:41Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I can sit over there and I can worry. I'm worried, I'm worried. I don't hear money here. All right.

• 1:10:51Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, please, please.

• 1:10:53Speaker 03

  No one is safe.

• 1:10:55Speaker 01

  Hear money here.

• 1:10:56Conan O'Brien?

  He's always, this, you know what he asked me to do before we came in here today? He wanted me to wear a shirt that said Walmart. And I was like, why? And he went, they're not a sponsor yet, but they might be. And I'm like, this is a really ugly shirt. I have nothing against Walmart, right? It's ridiculous.

• 1:11:14Speaker 01

  You know, it is silly. It's so Adam to do that, yeah.

• 1:11:17Conan O'Brien?

  Remember those glasses you wanted me to wear that said STP motor oil? And I was like, why? And you said, just wear them.

• 1:11:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, or that shirt that says, I love fracking.

• 1:11:28Conan O'Brien?

  That was my shirt. And fracture. My grandmother, my grandmother made me that shirt. She was big, she was saying, "I'm telling you, there's a way to get oil out of the ground that's even worse for the, for the environment." And I'd be like, "Granny, it's 1975, let it go." All right, we're good. And you know what? I love you all.

• 1:11:47Speaker 03

  No.

• 1:11:48Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't.

• 1:11:49Speaker 01

  No, there it is, there it is.

• 1:11:52Speaker 06

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

• 1:12:12Speaker 06

  Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

• 1:13:02Speaker 06

  Hey, that's me, Teddy Swims. You hear that? That's life. So go grab it. Grab your old friends, grab new friends, grab a white club. Grab flavor for everyone in your group. Grab music, laughter, and moments you'll never forget. You'll never regret it. Oh, hey, man. Grab new friends.

• 1:13:23Conan O'Brien?

  Grab old friends, grab life by the glow. White Claw. Please drink responsibly. White Claw Cell to Work, Chicago, Illinois.

• 1:13:32Conan O'Brien?

  Technology can generate salary recommendations in seconds, but building an offer that lands skilled talent, that takes more than just an estimate you came up with.

• 1:13:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're right.

• 1:13:42Conan O'Brien?

  That's where Robert Half's new 2027 Salary Guide can help.

• 1:13:46Speaker 01

  That's good.

• 1:13:46Conan O'Brien?

  Did we use a salary guide with you, Sona?

• 1:13:48Speaker 01

  Uh, no, but maybe-

• 1:13:49Conan O'Brien?

  For several years, I just gave you groceries, remember?

• 1:13:52Speaker 01

  I know, I remember that. That was not good.

• 1:13:54Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, well, anyway, now you got Robert Half's new 2027 Salary Guide. As a staffing firm placing talent every day, Robert Half combines compensation data with the experience of local recruiters you can hire with the confidence that comes from experience. The new Robert Half Salary Guide is here. Visit RobertHalf.com/salaryguide.