Sarah Silverman Returns Again

Comedian and actress Sarah Silverman feels rejoice/dead inside about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Sarah sits down with Conan once more for an in-depth discussion on human anatomy, adapting her memoir into a musical, and grieving her parents through her new comedy special PostMortem. Later, Conan, Matt, and Sona unearth the origins of their names as they Review the Reviewers. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: (669) 587-2847.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:03Conan O'Brien?

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• 0:16Speaker 01

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• 0:17Conan O'Brien?

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• 0:23Speaker 01

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• 0:23Conan O'Brien?

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• 0:46Speaker 02

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• 1:20Speaker 01

  Hi, my name is Sarah Silverman, and I feel...

• 1:25Speaker 01

  rejoice slash dead inside.

• 1:28Conan O'Brien?

  About being...

• 1:29Speaker 01

  About being Conan O'Brien's friend.

• 1:32Conan O'Brien?

  I love how you had to look down at the paper to see what my name is. We met in 1993. You're one of my earliest talk show guests.

• 1:39Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:40Conan O'Brien?

  And you're checking the page to see what my name is.

• 1:43Speaker 01

  O'Brien.

• 2:06Conan O'Brien?

  I wish I could be me. I'm my favorite member of my family tree.

• 2:11Speaker 03

  What the fuck?

• 2:12Conan O'Brien?

  Oh my god.

• 2:14Speaker 04

  See, this is why we need to roll. We're actually rolling now.

• 2:17Speaker 03

  Oh, we are. I thought I heard every one of your crazy songs. But that one I'd never heard before.

• 2:21Speaker 04

  We're starting this podcast with that song.

• 2:23Conan O'Brien?

  We're in right now, okay. Well, um, yes, I'm Conan O'Brien and then blah, blah, blah, Sona, blah, blah, blah.

• 2:30Conan O'Brien?

  Listen, I, I say so much nonsense all the time that I'm always stunned when something burbles out of my mouth that you haven't heard before.

• 2:38Speaker 03

  Me too.

• 2:39Conan O'Brien?

  But I just did it.

• 2:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:40Conan O'Brien?

  I just said, um, what did I say? My favorite person is me. I'm my favorite member of my family tree.

• 2:46Speaker 04

  I wanna be me.

• 2:47Conan O'Brien?

  I wanna be me because I'm my favorite member of my family tree.

• 2:51Speaker 03

  Did you just make that up?

• 2:51Conan O'Brien?

  I think I did.

• 2:53Speaker 04

  I've never heard it before.

• 2:53Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know. It rings true. And it's a stupid thing to say.

• 2:57Speaker 03

  It's so stupid.

• 2:58Conan O'Brien?

  Who would say I wanna be me because I'm my favorite member of my family tree? These things spill out of me all the time. As I've said, brushing my teeth, uh, in the middle of the night, I'll wake up and I'll say something like that. Sometimes I'll put it to music.

• 3:12Speaker 04

  And the listeners should know that you hear Conan in an unhinged form on the podcast. I would multiply that times like eight?

• 3:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:19Speaker 04

  Pre-recording, that's what it's like in here, I think.

• 3:22Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, I'm trying to be responsible somewhat when we do this, and I should probably stop. But over the years, everyone always said, uh, there was the meeting after the show. You were around for those, Sona.

• 3:35Speaker 03

  I was, as the meeting before.

• 3:37Conan O'Brien?

  You were around for those. The meeting before the show, when we were going over the jokes and the band is playing and the audience is loaded in, that was pure insanity.

• 3:44Speaker 03

  Insanity.

• 3:45Conan O'Brien?

  And then the meeting afterwards was unhinged insanity.

• 3:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:48Conan O'Brien?

  As was rehearsal. Rehearsal was often, um, a, a, a mad king. A mad syphilitic king.

• 3:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:58Conan O'Brien?

  A collegula who's putting his horse in charge of the, making him, his horse a senator, uh, only I have a, a Fender guitar strapped on and, um...

• 4:08Speaker 04

  Don't forget the syphilis, all the syphilis.

• 4:09Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, syphilis. And the horse had syphilis too.

• 4:11Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 4:12Conan O'Brien?

  Um, the point being that, uh, these are just little snippets that I guess, uh, are somehow...

• 4:21Conan O'Brien?

  What's wrong with me? Syphilis.

• 4:23Speaker 03

  Is it syphilis?

• 4:24Conan O'Brien?

  It's not syphilis. Okay. I get tested every day.

• 4:26Speaker 03

  But is this how you were as a kid?

• 4:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 4:29Speaker 03

  Would you go around muttering like, "I like, I wanna be me, blah blah blah."

• 4:32Conan O'Brien?

  There was a lot of-

• 4:33Speaker 03

  Would you say things like that?

• 4:34Conan O'Brien?

  craziness and, I mean, we've talked about this, but anytime I played any sports activity with other kids, all I did was talk and make up who I was and to describe who my character was and how I'd been in prison, but I just got out because I had murdered a fan in the stands, but now they're giving me a second chance. I knew my name, I knew my whole backstory, and my brother Luke, my poor brother Luke is a saint. He's a year older than me, would be like, "Just play the game." We'd play this, these pickup basketball games, and these people sometimes wouldn't even know me. And I'd be like, "Yeah, see, this is who I am, see."

• 5:08Speaker 03

  You didn't in front of people you didn't even know?

• 5:10Conan O'Brien?

  Sometimes, yeah.

• 5:11Speaker 03

  So like, there was never this thing in your brain that was like, "Oh, God, people are gonna think I'm crazy." You were just like, "Whatever."

• 5:17Conan O'Brien?

  There was no stopping it.

• 5:18Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 5:19Conan O'Brien?

  I did go to a summer camp once, and I don't think the kids liked me that much, but this one camp counselor was- I was on a trip and I made up this whole story about a bird, a bird that was the size of a human that was running through the woods, and I made up this whole thing, and I was just babbling and improvising this whole thing, and this guy was crying, he was laughing so hard.

• 5:39Speaker 03

  Oh my God.

• 5:40Conan O'Brien?

  And he got back and he was like, "That kid is really..." And they were like, "That guy? I don't like that guy." And they were like, "I'm telling you, he's really funny, tell them about the thing you told me on the trail." And I couldn't recreate it, and he still hated me.

• 5:51Speaker 03

  Did people really dislike you? Like, did you, you know, do you think that like, you walked into a room and people were like, "Oh, God, Conan's in here."

• 5:57Conan O'Brien?

  I think when I first showed up, people were like, "Here's..." I looked like the Wendy's logo, uh, with a bowl haircut, and I had a weird name, and I was not good at sports. So I think maybe initially, but then I always, I think people came around, "Old Consey."

• 6:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think so.

• 6:12Conan O'Brien?

  It paid off.

• 6:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, it did. Look at you now.

• 6:15Conan O'Brien?

  Look at me now, in a small-

• 6:16Speaker 03

  Built a whole career out of that.

• 6:17Conan O'Brien?

  In a small room. Look at you now, in a small room at Larchmont, in Los Angeles. You're working with us. Yeah. Come on.

• 6:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, look at us, we're here.

• 6:25Conan O'Brien?

  A podcast with my assistant.

• 6:29Conan O'Brien?

  The creme de la creme of show business.

• 6:34Conan O'Brien?

  Did you know that after Dean Martin broke up with Jerry Lewis, he just spent a bunch of his later years just touring around with his assistant?

• 6:40Speaker 03

  Is that true?

• 6:40Conan O'Brien?

  Nope, made it up.

• 6:41Speaker 03

  Oh, come on, man. Why do I believe everything you say?

• 6:47Conan O'Brien?

  Because I have a certain authority. My guest today is a very funny comedian, whose latest comedy special, Postmortem, is available to stream on Netflix starting tomorrow. See how I said tomorrow?

• 6:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:58Conan O'Brien?

  I'm thrilled she's here. Love her, who doesn't? Sarah Silverman, welcome.

• 7:01Speaker 04

  Okay, we gotta do it again, like before.

• 7:03Speaker 03

  You gotta pause.

• 7:04Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, right, you're right, you're right. Why didn't you mention it?

• 7:07Speaker 04

  Well, I've mentioned it multiple times in a row.

• 7:09Conan O'Brien?

  I hope you fall downstairs soon, but you're not hurt, but it's scary. It's frightening to you. The fall is frightening.

• 7:14Speaker 04

  Okay, I'm processing that, but thank you.

• 7:16Conan O'Brien?

  It's scary, and you're scared by it.

• 7:18Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 7:18Conan O'Brien?

  That's what I hope happens, too. It's a very specific wish.

• 7:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:21Conan O'Brien?

  I wish you ill, but not that ill.

• 7:23Speaker 03

  But maybe you have a bruise, too.

• 7:25Conan O'Brien?

  All right, let's try this again.

• 7:26Speaker 04

  And just for the listeners' sake, if you've been listening chronologically, we're trying to get Conan to leave a pause because some music comes in and it just never happens.

• 7:32Conan O'Brien?

  You know what we need to do? We need to make some kind of symbol right here between "she's here" and then... I'll do it again.

• 7:38Speaker 04

  I'll do that.

• 7:38Conan O'Brien?

  My guest today is a very funny comedian, whose latest special, Postmortem, is available to stream on Netflix starting tomorrow. I'm thrilled she's here.

• 7:55Conan O'Brien?

  Sarah Silverman, welcome.

• 8:00Speaker 01

  When I was thinking about today...

• 8:02Conan O'Brien?

  You mean dreaming about today?

• 8:05Speaker 01

  Yes. And masturbating about today?

• 8:10Conan O'Brien?

  Hey.

• 8:11Speaker 01

  But like, with tears, you know? The way you do it. And...

• 8:17Conan O'Brien?

  I cry when I masturbate, it's true.

• 8:19Speaker 01

  I don't know why this happened, but all I've been singing on the way... Are you still laughing about you crying when you masturbate?

• 8:26Conan O'Brien?

  I guess, yeah. Laughing to cover up the fact that it might be true. Go ahead.

• 8:31Speaker 01

  I've been singing Conan. Don't be discouraged. The man, he isn't hard to understand. Is that right?

• 8:42Conan O'Brien?

  Same song from Chico and the Man.

• 8:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:44Conan O'Brien?

  Chico, don't be discouraged. But you'd read it Conan, I love that. Conan, don't be discouraged.

• 8:50Speaker 01

  My parody version.

• 8:52Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, but I like it, but it lines up. Cause I often, I'm always worried that the man is hard to understand. So it lines up. A lot of kids listening right now are thinking, what's Chico and the Man? It was a very popular, very popular sitcom. Huge, starring Freddie Prinze. And then it ended when the star of the show ended his own life.

• 9:13Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 9:13Conan O'Brien?

  Kind of tragically. It was a big deal when I was a kid. It was huge.

• 9:16Speaker 01

  I just remember the guy, the comic that gave him the gun was like the youngest comedian ever to be on The Tonight Show or something.

• 9:24Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, really?

• 9:24Speaker 01

  Oh, I like fun facts. I mean, is it the funnest fact? No, maybe not.

• 9:30Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Your fun facts are terrible.

• 9:34Conan O'Brien?

  Fun fact. A fetus can only live two minutes outside the womb. If it's less than six months old. Fun fact.

• 9:44Speaker 01

  If it's not fun, then why are we all laughing?

• 9:47Conan O'Brien?

  You're right. I think that's a good point.

• 9:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:49Conan O'Brien?

  It's a very good point.

• 9:50Speaker 01

  I didn't want to wear my glasses. There she is.

• 9:53Conan O'Brien?

  I see you now. Sarah, I come to both name drop and compliment you, which is I had breakfast this morning with a certain Mr. Billy Crystal.

• 10:03Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 10:03Conan O'Brien?

  Who was raving about your show, Bedwetter.

• 10:08Speaker 01

  He went to see the, oh yeah, he went to see the musical.

• 10:11Conan O'Brien?

  He went to see the musical and he was like, it's terrific. It's fantastic. Cause I said, I've got to go, I've got to go see, and then I got to name drop with him. I'm going to go see Sarah Silverman and have a conversation. He's like, oh, you got to tell her, her show is amazing. Her show is fantastic. So that's what I'm starting with. I mean, obviously we had some other talk in there first about. Fetuses dying.

• 10:33Speaker 01

  Right.

• 10:33Conan O'Brien?

  Crying while masturbating and, you know, some stuff that went a little south. But now we get to the good stuff, which is a big compliment from, yes, we go north with, with, with Mr. Billy Crystal. Loving your show, so congratulations.

• 10:47Speaker 01

  Yay, thank you.

• 10:48Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 10:48Speaker 01

  It's in DC, it closes in a week, or it's probably closed by the time this hits people's ears. But hopefully it will go to, whatever, cut this part out.

• 10:57Conan O'Brien?

  No, keep this part in.

• 11:01Conan O'Brien?

  This, I think, drops in 2028.

• 11:03Speaker 01

  This is the clip.

• 11:05Conan O'Brien?

  People will be listening to it on their jet packs. I'm very happy, when I hear that you're gonna come in and do the podcast, I was like, I got the day off. This is the day off. This isn't work, talking to you.

• 11:16Speaker 01

  It's work.

• 11:16Conan O'Brien?

  Is it for you?

• 11:17Speaker 01

  No, for you.

• 11:19Conan O'Brien?

  No, it's not. I've always, you're the best. I mean, I love talking to you.

• 11:25Speaker 01

  I love talking to you.

• 11:25Conan O'Brien?

  You're a ray of sunshine. And I think in the community of show business, the business of show, who doesn't like them some Sarah Silverman? Everybody loves Sarah Silverman.

• 11:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:35Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, when you have a party, everybody shows up. Like, when you have these rooftop parties, I mean, these guys don't, sorry.

• 11:40Speaker 01

  Aww.

• 11:41Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I'm, come on. Well, it's awkward, but the people I see at your parties, it's incredible.

• 11:48Speaker 01

  I know, there's like no one where you are trying to avoid a conversation, I feel. I feel like everyone is a joy to see.

• 11:55Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 11:56Speaker 04

  Even this guy?

• 11:57Speaker 01

  Even this guy.

• 11:58Conan O'Brien?

  Even this guy.

• 11:59Speaker 01

  Very exciting that you came.

• 12:01Conan O'Brien?

  When I show up, people are, even the biggest stars get excited. Owen Wilson couldn't work up the nerve to come up and talk to me. Yeah, it was exciting to see. It was, I don't know. And you know what I admire about you? You're very funny, and you keep branching out. I saw you in Maestro, and I thought you were a terrific actor. Is that something that you've wanted to do? Did you think about acting? Because I always, you know, I didn't know if that was something that you had like an arrow in your quiver for a while. You're just like, I want to try this at some point.

• 12:36Speaker 01

  What is this acting thing?

• 12:37Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 12:38Speaker 01

  No, I always wanted to be an actor.

• 12:41Conan O'Brien?

  Really?

• 12:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I always wanted to be a comic, and then... That really is, you know, more like, I always think that's like being gay, being a comedian, you know, because you're like born that way.

• 12:53Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 12:54Speaker 01

  There's nothing you can do about it.

• 12:55Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 12:56Speaker 01

  And you should just let your freak flag fly.

• 12:58Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 12:59Speaker 01

  But I, yeah, I like acting, but I, well, it's not up to me, but I feel that people can, I can get lost in a character and you aren't like, that's Sarah Silverman.

• 13:09Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 13:09Speaker 01

  But I understand that people tend to worry about that because they go, oh, but everyone knows her and they like, you know, she's like herself.

• 13:19Conan O'Brien?

  You were not, though.

• 13:20Speaker 01

  But I wasn't.

• 13:21Conan O'Brien?

  That's what I thought was interesting about, when I saw you in Maestro, I thought, no, that you're, you were just this other person. And it was not, there was no speed bump of now I have to adjust my dials.

• 13:34Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 13:35Conan O'Brien?

  For Sarah Silverman. I thought you really did a beautiful job.

• 13:38Speaker 01

  Well, I audition, you know, I always want to audition because I, you know, I want to like, uh, get the part because they like, would I, you know, whatever, I'm, now I'm embarrassed, this isn't funny or anything.

• 13:50Conan O'Brien?

  Well, this, why can't we just have a conversation? What's wrong with that? We can add laughs later. We'll pipe them in.

• 13:57Speaker 01

  Laughs here. I always, you know, love to audition.

• 14:04Speaker 01

  Isn't it funny that the sound of like a million people laughing is like a whisper sound effect?

• 14:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 14:13Conan O'Brien?

  It's horrifying. That sounds like, uh, wind coming through the trees and a murderer's chasing me.

• 14:18Speaker 01

  That's like when you see.

• 14:19Conan O'Brien?

  That didn't sound like a lot of people being happy. But maybe you're right. Because when that many people cheer, it sounds like death is on its way.

• 14:25Speaker 01

  How do you do it? How do you do that?

• 14:28Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, well.

• 14:29Speaker 01

  Huge crowd laughter. Imagine, yeah.

• 14:32Conan O'Brien?

  You're right. You're right.

• 14:33Speaker 04

  That just sounds like a dental tool.

• 14:35Conan O'Brien?

  No, that's a guy who's, uh, got, had a tracheotomy and he, and the tube came out.

• 14:43Conan O'Brien?

  And he's running around the hospital trying to get it plugged back in again. What, did I lose the crowd here? What's happening? Alright, so it's the same. We're both doing the same set. I'm gonna take my jacket off and if you think it's too sexy, I'll put it back on. Jesus.

• 14:59Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 15:00Conan O'Brien?

  Wow. Okay.

• 15:01Speaker 01

  You really know how to wear teal.

• 15:06Conan O'Brien?

  A little teal for you right there.

• 15:07Speaker 01

  That is a great color on you.

• 15:09Conan O'Brien?

  Isn't this nice?

• 15:09Speaker 01

  Your eyes pop.

• 15:11Conan O'Brien?

  They make the old papers pop, that's for sure.

• 15:14Speaker 01

  I just like the papers pop.

• 15:17Conan O'Brien?

  I distracted you, you like to audition, but they still know it's you. And they know that, you know, what I'm saying is you can't go in anonymously. So sometimes you might even have a higher bar to clear because they're like, oh, it's Sarah Silverman.

• 15:29Speaker 01

  No, no, people won't get lost in a, you know, like I, I, I, this great writer-director had a series on Apple Plus. I guess I shouldn't say that, whatever. And he asked me to be in it. And a great role, and I was like, great, you know? And then, and I've had to do this before too, so I had compassion, but he, he had to call me and be like, "I'm horrified, um, the people at Apple Plus don't want you for the part. They feel like the people won't get lost in you," or whatever. And I was like, I totally understand that because I had a pilot once and I asked this amazing director to direct it. And he got right back to me and was like, "Yes, I'm in." And he's like this awesome, cool, far-out director.

• 16:13Speaker 01

  And then it was for NBC years ago and they were like, "Oh no, we don't approve him."

• 16:18Conan O'Brien?

  What?

• 16:18Speaker 03

  Oh my god.

• 16:19Speaker 01

  And that was awful. Not that good a story, but thank you for your... This is how you react in a podcast.

• 16:26Speaker 03

  It is.

• 16:29Speaker 01

  I'm killing.

• 16:30Conan O'Brien?

  Luke, I am your father.

• 16:35Conan O'Brien?

  It's kind of close to that. I, uh, I think that, uh, there were many years where I could have made it when I was young as a leading man.

• 16:47Speaker 01

  What would you play?

• 16:48Conan O'Brien?

  I think I was held back by my small eyes.

• 16:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:52Conan O'Brien?

  My thin lips.

• 16:53Speaker 01

  Right.

• 16:54Conan O'Brien?

  My prominent eye vein and, um, my complete inability to be someone other than Conan O'Brien. I think those things tragically held me back.

• 17:05Speaker 01

  So unfair.

• 17:06Conan O'Brien?

  I think, yes. And I think I needed to, I wish I had broken through those walls. Because I also, I, I think.

• 17:14Speaker 01

  I can't hear the word walls without thinking pussy walls. Go on. I don't know why. Is that even a word?

• 17:19Conan O'Brien?

  Well, now neither can I. Cause now you just, that just fucked me up completely.

• 17:25Speaker 03

  Like the, like the labia?

• 17:26Speaker 01

  I don't know. I don't know where I've heard pussy walls, the phrase. And I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm, I am interested in the story you were telling, whatever it was, but. Yeah, let's, let's break this down. Are these interior or exterior walls? I'm, in my mind, it's interior walls. I don't know where I've heard it or why it's so embedded in me. But like whenever I'm watching The Bachelor or Bachelorette, which is any given Monday.

• 17:51Speaker 01

  They always say like, you know, and I put up my walls and I always say out loud pussy walls. And then my boyfriend who's like in another room hears it and is like, knows exactly what's happening. Cause it's like a, it's almost like an OCD thing, but is, have you guys heard that?

• 18:05Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I'm curious.

• 18:06Speaker 01

  I've never heard.

• 18:07Conan O'Brien?

  In 1989, when the Berlin Wall fell, did you say that poor woman? I mean, I'm just curious. I think that's a, I think that's a great joke and I think it deserves something.

• 18:16Speaker 03

  Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this pussy wall.

• 18:19Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. That's what I'm going for.

• 18:22Speaker 01

  It's more, it has to be plural. Or like, uh, who was the vice, oh, can you believe I can't remember the vice pres, the, uh, guy who ran for vice president with Kamala? Walls.

• 18:32Conan O'Brien?

  Walls, yeah.

• 18:33Speaker 01

  It was Tim Walz. I, that also in my head, I was like pussy walls.

• 18:38Conan O'Brien?

  Well, that's probably what caused them the election.

• 18:40Speaker 01

  What is that from Pussy Walls? Why do I have, is that a phrase?

• 18:43Speaker 04

  I don't know that that's something we can Google and find out.

• 18:46Conan O'Brien?

  I don't, I'm just, I don't.

• 18:47Speaker 03

  Pussy Walls.

• 18:48Speaker 04

  I tried. I'm just saying, you're gonna get something.

• 18:50Speaker 01

  Try it with a sneeze.

• 18:51Conan O'Brien?

  Eduardo tried. Well, what I'm, what I'm curious about is now it's in my head, so that if I go to say, "We need to repair these walls," meaning structural, you know, damage to my home from the recent California fires, "We need to repair these walls," I'm gonna go to Pussy Walls. And that's gonna cause all kinds of problems in the household. So you've done this. You've, you've ruined my mind.

• 19:15Speaker 01

  That was, I mean, honestly, a little bit my hope for all of you is that it's infected.

• 19:21Conan O'Brien?

  That's interesting. Now, you jumped right in with a specific part.

• 19:25Speaker 03

  The labia.

• 19:26Conan O'Brien?

  Just don't do that.

• 19:27Speaker 03

  I mean, that's kind of, the labia of the vagina. The Pussy Walls.

• 19:30Speaker 01

  As opposed to.

• 19:31Speaker 03

  He's just very, he's very weird when you say things like labia.

• 19:35Speaker 01

  Labia is the lips.

• 19:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:36Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 19:37Speaker 01

  I recently learned all this. Vagina is the hole that is the hole where the penis goes in and the baby comes out.

• 19:45Conan O'Brien?

  Oh!

• 19:46Speaker 01

  The urethra is not on your clitoris, but it basically is. I think it's like under the hood of it or something. And it's the tiniest hole that somehow like five streams come out of. And then.

• 20:01Conan O'Brien?

  You know what's crazy? I'm learning shit.

• 20:03Speaker 01

  No, I didn't know.

• 20:04Conan O'Brien?

  I am, I am a grown ass adult with two children and I'm learning. I didn't, okay, keep going.

• 20:09Speaker 01

  And then the vagina is just the hole. It's not the hole, it's not the thing. The thing is called a labia. I've been spanked about this.

• 20:17Conan O'Brien?

  Hmm, bet you have.

• 20:18Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 20:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think.

• 20:21Conan O'Brien?

  Wait, what's the matter with you? You look like you're about to pass out.

• 20:25Speaker 04

  Don't project on me. But I'm fine, I.

• 20:28Speaker 01

  Did you guys know all this?

• 20:30Speaker 04

  I, I think I did from anatomy class.

• 20:32Speaker 01

  Great, wow.

• 20:33Conan O'Brien?

  I think I learned it from his anatomy books.

• 20:35Speaker 04

  Yeah, and I got it all wrong.

• 20:37Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Uh, this was not discussed at any point during my life. Um, and then later on, you know, you, you learn things.

• 20:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:45Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, and I mean recently, uh, which is shocking, but yeah, it's okay. And right now.

• 20:51Speaker 04

  Right now.

• 20:52Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, from Sarah. But I, uh, it's incredible that, yes, we should be able to talk about this freely. We should be adults and we should talk about this freely.

• 20:59Speaker 01

  I mean, but also like, as I would say, straight men and gay women have like an actual view of the vagina that I have not had. Where you really like can see everything. Yeah.

• 21:12Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 21:13Speaker 01

  You know, I mean.

• 21:13Conan O'Brien?

  It's like with the Terminator vision, like we have little, and there's little readouts on the side.

• 21:18Speaker 01

  I mean.

• 21:18Conan O'Brien?

  There's times in my life when I've been down there, there's these little readouts.

• 21:21Speaker 04

  What do they say? What does it say? Like, run away? It says, do not engage?

• 21:26Conan O'Brien?

  Do not engage. Do not engage. Flea, flea. Flea, hostile, hostile.

• 21:33Conan O'Brien?

  You know, it's, it's, it's green and there's these digital readouts on the side and yeah, it's.

• 21:38Speaker 01

  I see that. I picture it like, it has, it's like pulled back with little pins like the.

• 21:43Speaker 04

  Like a butterfly.

• 21:45Speaker 01

  Or yeah, like a frog that you dissect or something.

• 21:48Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, no.

• 21:50Speaker 01

  It's filleted. Yeah, cause it's so many folds. I, I, I, I.

• 21:56Conan O'Brien?

  You know what I want?

• 21:56Speaker 01

  I don't know if I, I don't know if mine is, one time, many years ago, I'm sorry, I'm talking way too much.

• 22:03Conan O'Brien?

  This is fantastic. I love this. One time, gather round, kids. Campfire, go ahead.

• 22:09Speaker 01

  I was upstairs. I mean, this is visual, really? Wait, can I have your pen?

• 22:13Conan O'Brien?

  Sure.

• 22:13Speaker 01

  I don't, but I was at the cellar a million years ago. The Comedy Cellar, the Comedy Cellar, sorry. And I was sitting at a booth across Marc Maron and I don't remember who suggested this, honestly, but we both, we each drew a picture of a vagina and then we showed it to each other. And it was so embarrassing, cause mine was like, our, we exposed it and then his was like that, like two parentheses in a line. And then mine was like so much. It was so much. Detailed. But like, I don't know if that's just me. I, I've, I don't think that my vagina is like, maybe that's more of a expressionist. Do you, that doesn't.

• 22:58Speaker 01

  It looks like a salad.

• 23:01Speaker 01

  My vagina looks like a salad. I don't know if it is that not.

• 23:05Speaker 03

  You know what? Yeah, I can see that.

• 23:07Speaker 01

  It's like, yes, the hot dog bun. But then if you open that up, there's a world.

• 23:13Conan O'Brien?

  A whole world to be found.

• 23:15Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 23:16Conan O'Brien?

  What is it Nikki Glaser said that her it looked like a hastily packed suitcase?

• 23:24Conan O'Brien?

  Image got into my head.

• 23:27Speaker 01

  That's so funny.

• 23:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, different perspectives. There's the, of course, the Marc Maron perspective. Keep in mind, he wears glasses. So maybe he didn't have his glasses on, you know, when he's, when he's.

• 23:38Speaker 01

  But that said, I've never been face to face with a vagina.

• 23:41Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, come on.

• 23:43Speaker 01

  All right. No, I mean, I, you know, I remember my stepsister wanted to go on Shark Tank and try to sell a vagina mirror, which would just be like basically a a mirror on a selfie stick or something, but you could do that with an iPhone and I have, I guess, so.

• 23:59Conan O'Brien?

  Wait a minute, your sister wanted to sell that as a product?

• 24:02Speaker 01

  It's a million dollar idea.

• 24:04Conan O'Brien?

  Isn't it? It's a rear view mirror. It's a rear view mirror on a.

• 24:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, what is it? Listen, someone put wheels on luggage like way too late. No one thought of that.

• 24:18Conan O'Brien?

  That is true.

• 24:19Speaker 01

  When wheels went on luggage, I go, I can't believe it took this long to put wheels on luggage.

• 24:24Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 24:24Speaker 01

  Why was there ever, why were, where was, were there ever?

• 24:27Conan O'Brien?

  No, you'd think Leonardo da Vinci would have thought of that.

• 24:37Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 24:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, I love awards.

• 24:40Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen, you know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 24:54Speaker 03

  Nice.

• 24:54Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 25:03Speaker 03

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 25:07Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5N, which I love. Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 25:27Speaker 03

  Hello?

• 25:27Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space with available, I had this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA-estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty. It's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View U.S. News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 26:01Conan O'Brien?

  Who do you shop for first on the holidays, Sona? Was it, do you shop for the kids or do you shop for Tac?

• 26:05Speaker 03

  My kids.

• 26:06Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 26:06Speaker 03

  Or Oki.

• 26:07Conan O'Brien?

  You gotta get them your stuff.

• 26:07Speaker 03

  Or my dog.

• 26:09Conan O'Brien?

  And then your husband is last. Well, guess what? It's that time of year. You feel that, you smell that, that cinnamon cider in the air. Do you smell that?

• 26:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:18Conan O'Brien?

  And you see pumpkins around, people buying turkeys. Little early to buy a turkey.

• 26:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:23Conan O'Brien?

  Doesn't matter. Holidays, I would say it's just around the corner, but that's a cliche. It's very nearby in the cupboard.

• 26:33Conan O'Brien?

  Well, guess what? Amazon delivers joy with low prices on the gifts you want, even this early in the season. So get ahead of the season. Shop early gifts, top picks, holiday decor, and advent calendars at low prices. Get ahead, start on holiday gifting with Amazon's low prices. Shop now at amazon.com/holiday.

• 26:55Conan O'Brien?

  Sona, you have to admit, the holidays, it's really about hanging with the people you love.

• 27:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:01Conan O'Brien?

  And getting to be yourself. Not going to some stuffy holiday party where you need to conform to what the man wants you to think about the holidays.

• 27:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's about being yourself. Turn your holiday time into Miller time by enjoying a Miller Lite in a place where you're free to enjoy yourself on a walk with a cousin. With a cousin? Why are they getting all specific about?

• 27:21Speaker 03

  Because it's family.

• 27:22Conan O'Brien?

  But what about a niece or a nephew?

• 27:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:26Conan O'Brien?

  Like a walk with an ex-wife? I don't know. I mean, they're just throwing, that's a weird, they just made a very specific choice.

• 27:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:33Conan O'Brien?

  Now's the time for those unexpected holiday side guests and enjoy a great tasting light beer. 'Tis Miller time, as Dickens wrote. Miller Lite is brewed for taste, the taste you can depend on. The original light beer since 1975 and still iconic more than 50 years later. I like to be with my bros, my chums, my posse. Crack open a Miller Lite, take a swig, a sip, look around and see my friends. We've known each other forever and we're just hanging out.

• 28:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, you guys are just doing chest bumps and high fiving.

• 28:03Conan O'Brien?

  Miller Lite is great taste done right. Go to millerlite.com/conan to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite, but they much anywhere they sell beer. Tis Miller time. Celebrate responsibly Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

• 28:24Conan O'Brien?

  What I want to do is take this episode so far and maybe the whole thing in its entirety and play it for a group and have them turn the dials so that there's, you know what I mean? And just see what happens when we take some of these turns. Do you know what I mean? And I want to say an older crowd, an older crowd that remembers the Korean War well. And I want them to be able to like turn the dials and just to see what would happen. Wouldn't you be interested?

• 28:47Speaker 03

  I mean, that would be fun, yeah. I mean, it does take a lot of twists and turns, like a vagina, right?

• 28:52Conan O'Brien?

  No, what? What do you mean twists and turns?

• 28:54Speaker 03

  I don't know what I said.

• 28:56Speaker 01

  Vagina is like driving in Italy. It's like, uh...

• 29:00Conan O'Brien?

  What? You could get killed at any moment.

• 29:04Speaker 01

  You can't believe there's only one lane, there's an ocean, there's like a huge cliff with an ocean.

• 29:09Conan O'Brien?

  Suddenly there's a burrow in the road?

• 29:15Conan O'Brien?

  This is, uh... This just reminds me exactly of the Dana Carvey conversation I had. This is why I don't worry about you. I don't worry about you at all because we start talking and then suddenly vaginas are flying around.

• 29:27Speaker 01

  I did think of something yesterday that I thought only Conan will. Well, you know, I mean, gosh, I can't really do this in standup because I don't feel like anybody would remember. But I do think that they should, uh, reveal the Epstein files. But it should be the one Epstein files. And all of them are signed Epstein's mother.

• 29:50Conan O'Brien?

  From Mr. C... Man, this is your second 70's sitcom reference.

• 29:53Speaker 01

  I know.

• 29:54Conan O'Brien?

  I love it. Mr. Cotter. Did you ever watch Welcome Back Cotter?

• 29:59Speaker 03

  I watched it on Nick at Night because I went through a Travolta phase and I just loved, I loved that show. But it's silly, right?

• 30:07Conan O'Brien?

  Well, yeah.

• 30:08Speaker 03

  It's not considered like, is it considered like... Like prestige television back then? I don't think so.

• 30:15Conan O'Brien?

  I don't think so. I know it was a huge, it was a huge thing when I was in fifth, sixth grade. People would put up their hand to go, "Ooh, ooh, ooh," like Arnold Horshack, and everyone thought that was hilarious.

• 30:25Speaker 01

  I had a, my sister and I had a Welcome Back Cotter trash can.

• 30:30Conan O'Brien?

  What?

• 30:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:31Conan O'Brien?

  No, they make lunchboxes. They don't make trash cans.

• 30:33Speaker 01

  No, ours, we had a trash can and it said like, "I'm gonna call you schools out because you have no class," and like all the different things they say. And we laughed and threw away our garbage.

• 30:47Conan O'Brien?

  I'm glad you saved that Juan Epstein joke for me.

• 30:50Speaker 01

  It just seemed like the right place.

• 30:53Conan O'Brien?

  So it's The Epstein Files.

• 30:55Speaker 01

  Right.

• 30:56Conan O'Brien?

  But it's Juan Epstein from Welcome Back Cotter.

• 30:58Speaker 01

  We know Trump is all over those, the actual list, so that's probably what he would, maybe he would reveal that and be like, "What? I said I was gonna..." And I did.

• 31:09Conan O'Brien?

  So Trump is gonna release The Epstein Files from Welcome Back Cotter to throw everyone off the scent from the real Epstein. And then say, "Those are the, okay, I get it. I understand."

• 31:19Speaker 01

  So the logs are, will basically just be Juan Epstein and Juan Epstein's mother?

• 31:24Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, yes, which was...

• 31:27Speaker 01

  Disgusting people. Criminals.

• 31:31Conan O'Brien?

  Are you a conspiracy theorist?

• 31:33Speaker 01

  I don't know. I mean, the moon landing was fake.

• 31:40Speaker 01

  Are you? I don't know.

• 31:41Conan O'Brien?

  I am not, no. I am, I am one of those people that thinks the simplest explanation is usually the correct one.

• 31:47Speaker 01

  Occam's razor.

• 31:48Conan O'Brien?

  There you go. I shave with it every day.

• 31:49Speaker 01

  Didn't even go to college.

• 31:52Conan O'Brien?

  You don't need to go to college. Uh, yeah, I, I, I'm not. I am not. I'm, when, when people say, "Hey, man, you know what I think happened, man?" I, I'm not in on that, on that ride usually.

• 32:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, my, um, the guy who does my makeup, um, is really, fell into a whole thing about how the Challenger didn't really explode and all those people are still alive and...

• 32:14Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 32:14Speaker 01

  You know, and, and I, you know, I was in, I was in ninth grade and we watched it because there was a teacher from Concord, the next town over, Kristy McCullough.

• 32:24Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, who was killed, yeah.

• 32:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, or was she?

• 32:27Conan O'Brien?

  Where are they? Where does he say they are?

• 32:29Speaker 01

  They're just living regular lives. And with different names.

• 32:33Conan O'Brien?

  Does he ever explain why the people on The Challenger would agree to this? You all have families and stuff, but we're gonna pretend that you blew up and then you're all gonna live on, in different parts of Cincinnati. And what was the reason for faking it? Yeah, exactly.

• 32:48Speaker 01

  No, that doesn't, I don't know.

• 32:50Conan O'Brien?

  See, that's the thing is, they don't even need a reason. Yeah. They don't even need a reason, "Hey, man, you're not thinking it through, man." I'm sorry, that's my idea of most conspiracy theorists. I'm sorry, if you're a conspiracy theorist and you're listening out there, I think you're wrong.

• 33:02Speaker 01

  Well, like, conspiracy theorists don't call themselves conspiracy theorists, right? It's like cults don't call themselves cults. I have a friend who I'm, I know, I feel confident grew up in a cult. And he goes, "It's not a cult." I go, "That, you wouldn't know." Yeah. You're in it.

• 33:19Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 33:20Speaker 01

  There's no punchline to that, I just...

• 33:23Conan O'Brien?

  There doesn't have to be, until you call it out, and then, you know what I mean? That's just it. We're in it, man. We're talking about it. You know, we're all in the flow. There's no need for there to be a big "boom boom," you know? We're past that. We're in a new, we're in a post-comedy world now.

• 33:39Speaker 01

  Laffs are for pussy walls.

• 33:41Conan O'Brien?

  Exactly. "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that pussy wall." I'm telling you, Sonya, you're onto a great new routine. This is a good routine for you.

• 33:51Speaker 01

  I can't do this routine, this is Sarah's routine. No, no, I'm giving it to you.

• 33:55Conan O'Brien?

  But you guys, yeah, she's giving, she does not want it.

• 33:56Speaker 01

  Okay, I don't do stand-up. Did anything come up when you searched pussy walls?

• 34:02Speaker 05

  The only thing I could find, which Eduardo and I think agree...

• 34:05Conan O'Brien?

  And he was looking for this long before you came in, that's right.

• 34:07Speaker 05

  I looked at my internet search history, I look back, and instead of cock-blocking, that, he got puss, she got pussy-walled?

• 34:15Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I've heard of that as clam-jamming.

• 34:16Speaker 05

  Oh, clam-jamming's probably, but the, the...

• 34:19Speaker 01

  Wonderful, wonderful.

• 34:20Speaker 05

  The R and B dictionary said that, and then the other thing...

• 34:23Conan O'Brien?

  Clam-jamming?

• 34:24Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 34:24Conan O'Brien?

  I totally got clam-jammed!

• 34:26Speaker 01

  Oh, my god!

• 34:27Speaker 05

  Oh, black baby, clam-a-jam.

• 34:31Speaker 05

  Yeah, and then uh.

• 34:32Speaker 01

  Did you try it as two words or one word?

• 34:34Speaker 05

  It, well, it says two. I, I, I think claim, I, I think it's incorrect. We don't know. We still don't know.

• 34:40Speaker 01

  Did you try one word with a Z?

• 34:42Speaker 04

  I, so, so my first thought was it has had to have appeared in a rap song somewhere. And sure enough, there's like a couple lyrics where it says like ripping through the pussy walls.

• 34:51Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 34:52Conan O'Brien?

  I don't think you want to do, you don't want to do that.

• 34:54Speaker 04

  No, cause that feels like we're making a lateral move to the side or something. That, that doesn't seem right.

• 35:00Speaker 03

  What?

• 35:00Speaker 04

  You know what I mean, right?

• 35:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, it doesn't sound like it feels good.

• 35:04Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 35:05Conan O'Brien?

  This is the least hot and heavy talk ever.

• 35:08Speaker 04

  With the.

• 35:08Conan O'Brien?

  About intercourse.

• 35:10Speaker 01

  A lateral move. A lateral move near the vaginal wall.

• 35:14Speaker 04

  Well, I didn't want it to sound.

• 35:17Speaker 01

  Oh, vaginal wall. Vaginal walls.

• 35:20Conan O'Brien?

  It's vaginal wall.

• 35:20Speaker 03

  It's the Hyman.

• 35:22Conan O'Brien?

  What's that?

• 35:23Speaker 03

  Isn't that what that means?

• 35:23Conan O'Brien?

  You don't, I don't think you know anything.

• 35:24Speaker 03

  Oh, okay.

• 35:25Conan O'Brien?

  I, I honestly.

• 35:26Speaker 03

  Ripping through the pussy wall is probably the Hyman. I'm, right?

• 35:30Speaker 04

  Oh, maybe, in that, in that context. I don't think of it that way normally, but maybe that's what it is.

• 35:34Speaker 01

  Now, the Hyman is like a little like bag of blood that, that has no purpose, except.

• 35:41Speaker 05

  It feels more of a gate than a wall.

• 35:44Speaker 01

  It's more like a, um.

• 35:44Conan O'Brien?

  I'm resting my head on the microphone.

• 35:45Speaker 01

  You ever smoke a Camel Crush before they were outlawed in California?

• 35:50Speaker 03

  No.

• 35:51Conan O'Brien?

  You keep talking and I'm just, I'm resting my forehead on the microphone. But what is a Camel Crush? And I'm just gonna be listening.

• 35:58Speaker 01

  It's got a little ball of like menthol poison that you can.

• 36:02Conan O'Brien?

  Oh.

• 36:02Speaker 01

  Squeeze and you hear it go. And then it's a menthol cigarette. And I guess, I guess what I was saying is that's like a Hyman.

• 36:12Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, boy. Um, can you Google that?

• 36:15Speaker 01

  Can we take a nap for the rest of this?

• 36:18Conan O'Brien?

  I think we need, I think that we need to take all the furniture out. We need to have it resurfaced. I mean, I don't know what to say. I don't know what to say. Um, I'm at a loss. I think I started out, if you can believe it, with a compliment from Billy Crystal. About.

• 36:38Conan O'Brien?

  How you turned your memoir,

• 36:41Conan O'Brien?

  The Bedwetter, into a musical and how he saw it and he thought it was brilliant and to pass on that compliment. Now there's exploding hymens,

• 36:50Conan O'Brien?

  lateral penises.

• 36:53Conan O'Brien?

  Reagan is yelling at Gorbachev to tear down the pussy wall.

• 36:58Conan O'Brien?

  Vulgar sketches courtesy of a ghost Marc Maron. Your sister has a crazy device. Takes a rear view mirror off a Hyundai. And people can examine themselves and the whole podcast is is just, it's over, it's over. It's over. There will never be another podcast after this one. This is the end of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. This is now Conan O'Brien Needs a Job. You've done this. You did this yourself. Yay. You should.

• 37:30Speaker 01

  No sound.

• 37:30Conan O'Brien?

  You should feel good about it.

• 37:32Speaker 01

  You would think I would be done with vagina humor in my twenties. Maybe my thirties. Surely by my forties. But there's just still so much more to explore, you know?

• 37:43Conan O'Brien?

  There is.

• 37:44Speaker 01

  There is.

• 37:44Conan O'Brien?

  And it's you speaking your truth.

• 37:46Speaker 01

  I'm so sorry. Why don't we talk about your penis and balls?

• 37:53Conan O'Brien?

  Let's get into it.

• 37:54Speaker 01

  I feel like they talk like this.

• 37:57Conan O'Brien?

  Like what?

• 37:59Speaker 01

  That was my dad trying to do an Irish accent. Conan, it's your penis and balls. Penis and balls.

• 38:07Conan O'Brien?

  It's your penis and balls.

• 38:10Conan O'Brien?

  I think I've anthropomorphized my genitalia before on this show and it's always just kind of petulant and whiny. Yeah.

• 38:17Speaker 01

  I don't wanna.

• 38:20Conan O'Brien?

  It's always flipping through like the New Yorker. I'm trying to get it interested in, you know, doing something.

• 38:26Speaker 01

  I don't wanna.

• 38:28Conan O'Brien?

  I see it more of that is that just, it's recalcitrant. There's a word that's a good word. Yeah, it's just kind of fussy and flipping through the New Yorker and looking over its little shoulder. Which I guess would be a scroti.

• 38:42Conan O'Brien?

  I want to apologize. I promised one grade school that we would donate an episode. And in advance, I said it was this episode. I just did it numerically. I didn't know it was gonna be Sarah Silverman. I said it was episode 3252. So this is being livestreamed. To the Michael Driscoll School, which is a K through eight school in Brookline, Massachusetts.

• 39:08Speaker 01

  You can be anything you want to be.

• 39:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah. Today's word is scrotine.

• 39:16Speaker 01

  Let's, let's not, you know.

• 39:18Conan O'Brien?

  Listen, let's elevate this.

• 39:20Speaker 01

  Well, or.

• 39:21Conan O'Brien?

  Take it further.

• 39:22Speaker 01

  Or.

• 39:24Speaker 01

  Let's not stigmatize words that mean, you know.

• 39:29Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 39:30Speaker 01

  The, their genitals.

• 39:31Conan O'Brien?

  Exactly. I mean, what's their problem? I don't see a problem.

• 39:35Speaker 01

  I don't. What?

• 39:37Conan O'Brien?

  What?

• 39:40Speaker 01

  You don't even need to say words anymore.

• 39:42Conan O'Brien?

  To do Seinfeld.

• 39:49Speaker 01

  He's held hostage and he had tape over his mouth and he'd still be like, oh God. I'm just an impressionist. Seinfeld.

• 39:58Conan O'Brien?

  Seinfeld being held hostage.

• 40:09Conan O'Brien?

  He wants to know who kidnapped him. He's got tape, duct tape all over him.

• 40:19Conan O'Brien?

  It's a simple question, Jerry Hat. It's a very reasonable, he wants to know the identity of the people. They wore masks, of course, to get the ransom.

• 40:28Speaker 01

  Somebody must have done an impression of him at, like, once he has dementia.

• 40:32Conan O'Brien?

  Yes. No, it's who are all these people? Seriously? And who the fuck am I?

• 40:41Conan O'Brien?

  And where am I? I'm frightened for my life.

• 40:46Speaker 01

  That was like, has a little, has like, uh, undertones of Mr. Howell.

• 40:51Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Yeah, it does, it does.

• 40:53Speaker 01

  Just to keep it on the seventies.

• 40:55Conan O'Brien?

  Another sitcom, yeah. Well, that's sixties, sorry.

• 40:57Speaker 01

  It is?

• 40:58Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Gilligan's Island, yeah, sorry. I think probably, I'm just gonna guess.

• 41:02Speaker 01

  Again, I, these are things I know from Nick at Night.

• 41:04Conan O'Brien?

  Maybe sixty-eight, I don't know. Well, anyway, a little sip of water now.

• 41:09Conan O'Brien?

  Now, um, my brother Neil would know exactly the air dates for Gilligan's Island, so I could always consult him. Wow. I swear to God, if I called him up right now, he'd probably, he would, he would tell me exactly, he'd say, "Oh yeah, the original air date was September 3rd, 1964," and then it went off the, yeah.

• 41:25Speaker 06

  It was September 26th, 1964.

• 41:27Conan O'Brien?

  Is it? I just made up a date.

• 41:28Speaker 01

  Oh my gosh.

• 41:29Conan O'Brien?

  Oh wait, I think what we're revealing here is that I don't have a brother Neil. Yeah, Neil doesn't exist. Neil doesn't exist, and I just use Neil as an excuse for my insane knowledge of 60's television. Is Neil in the room with us right now? Yeah, I am, it's like the end of Spartacus. I am Neil, I am Neil, I am Neil, yeah. But Neil still doesn't know anything about vaginas.

• 41:49Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, let's just say Conan doesn't know anything about vaginas.

• 41:52Speaker 01

  That's the podcast.

• 41:54Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 41:54Speaker 01

  The new podcast.

• 41:55Conan O'Brien?

  The new podcast should be...

• 41:57Speaker 01

  Conan doesn't know anything about vaginas.

• 41:59Conan O'Brien?

  Right, but then, think of the guests we'd get, who'd come in here and explain things to me. Be fantastic, what a great show. Okay.

• 42:06Speaker 01

  I've been looking for the picture in my phone of your mouth that I used as my vagina.

• 42:12Conan O'Brien?

  That's right.

• 42:13Speaker 01

  I've actually been tasked with finding it.

• 42:15Conan O'Brien?

  I think we should explain that for any, you should explain it for any listener who doesn't know the story behind it.

• 42:21Speaker 01

  What story behind it?

• 42:24Speaker 01

  Just kidding. Yes, and, not an improviser.

• 42:29Conan O'Brien?

  Just gonna rest my head on this microphone.

• 42:33Conan O'Brien?

  I'm determined to conduct a serious interview with you.

• 42:35Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 42:36Conan O'Brien?

  And you guys are welcome to jump in at any time and help out, but I, I'm gonna forge on, which is...

• 42:42Speaker 01

  Let's get quiet.

• 42:43Conan O'Brien?

  It's getting really quiet here. You wrote a memoir in 2010, and then you decided...

• 42:48Speaker 01

  And that's what I'm plugging here today.

• 42:50Conan O'Brien?

  It needs to be a musical.

• 42:52Speaker 01

  Oh, yes.

• 42:53Conan O'Brien?

  Where did that leap come from?

• 42:55Speaker 01

  Actually, Adam Schlesinger, may he rest in peace, came over my apartment and was like, "This book's a musical." And I read the chapter titles, he's like, "That's a song." You know, whatever, and then I was like, "All right." We made it.

• 43:11Conan O'Brien?

  Had you experienced writing songs before?

• 43:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, I had a, I had a show on Comedy Central that was a musical and my first special had music in it.

• 43:21Conan O'Brien?

  But I didn't know that you wrote, oh, this, I didn't realize you wrote all the songs.

• 43:25Speaker 01

  Yeah. No, I didn't write all the songs in the Sarah Silverman program. I wrote some of them and co-wrote some of them. But in my special, Jesus is Magic, which I, you know, um, it doesn't, I'm guessing doesn't hold up because I say a lot of things that I wouldn't say today. I'd get in a lot of trouble and have. But, um, it, but, uh, yeah, I wrote this. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Are you showing me my mouth, Louis?

• 43:52Conan O'Brien?

  You all right?

• 43:53Speaker 01

  Can you show me my mouth, Louis?

• 43:54Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 43:55Speaker 01

  I just wanted to see if I could do ventriloquism.

• 43:57Conan O'Brien?

  Guess what?

• 43:57Speaker 01

  What?

• 43:58Conan O'Brien?

  You can't.

• 44:02Conan O'Brien?

  It's very clear. You also have to throw your voice to be a ventriloquist. It's just not about.

• 44:09Conan O'Brien?

  It's, well, also articulating, but you also have to throw your voice, I believe.

• 44:13Speaker 01

  Gee, gee, Conan. Yeah, no, I can't do that.

• 44:17Conan O'Brien?

  Well, if the doll has had a stroke and that's its backstory, then it's okay.

• 44:23Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, no, it's terrible what happened to you. It's okay. I'm slowly getting better with. Lots of intense therapy. Well, you still don't sound great. Oh, it's a long process. I'm getting better. That's what I would do if I had to be a ventriloquist. I'd make sure the doll had had a terrible cerebral event. That's what I would call it. Impressive, huh?

• 44:44Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 44:47Conan O'Brien?

  You did it. You got us back on track. I'm doing what I can. I'm doing what I can. But anyway, I hear great things about this musical.

• 44:57Speaker 01

  Thank you. Yeah, yeah. And, and he saw it because the, I saw his musical, Mr. Saturday Night, which was really great. And the woman who played the incredible Broadway star who played his daughter plays my mother, Beth Ann. Uh, that is Shoshana Bean and she's incredible. And so he came to see it because they, yeah.

• 45:18Conan O'Brien?

  Now, are you nervous if you know that someone of that caliber is in the audience? I don't like to know that people are in the crowd.

• 45:25Speaker 01

  I don't want to, like if I'm performing, no, I don't want to know. I actually took a chance. Did I tell you this? But I remember, do you know Todd Glass?

• 45:35Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 45:36Speaker 01

  So funny, so, so funny, but I worried that he can get in his head. So it was years ago and he was about to go on at Largo and I knew he had like some bigwigs coming to see him. And I took a chance and right before he went on, I said, I feel like I should tell you they didn't show up. But they had, but I felt like if he thought that they didn't show up.

• 45:58Conan O'Brien?

  He'll be more relaxed, yeah.

• 45:59Speaker 01

  He'll just be fuck it and be super relaxed and he was. And then when he got off, I go, I lied, they're here and he was so happy. But it could have gone really bad, of course, but I took a chance.

• 46:10Conan O'Brien?

  What if he had gone out and just bad mouth the exec?

• 46:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, fuck them for not coming.

• 46:14Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, fuck them, I don't need them anyway, they're just a bunch of empty suits.

• 46:18Speaker 01

  It was impulsive, my heart was pounding, but I, I felt like it was the right thing to do and it, and ended up being good. And now he's a big star.

• 46:26Conan O'Brien?

  I, I think you did the right thing. You took a chance.

• 46:29Speaker 01

  He is the funniest, the second funniest, third funniest, fourth funniest.

• 46:35Conan O'Brien?

  That's the seventh funniest person who's not in this room right now.

• 46:39Speaker 01

  Let's take it down.

• 46:40Conan O'Brien?

  Let's take it down to you have a new standup special.

• 46:44Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yes.

• 46:45Conan O'Brien?

  And I'm going to bring it up because you've clearly forgotten, but it's called Postmortem.

• 46:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:50Conan O'Brien?

  Now, how long did it take you to put this together, this set?

• 46:54Speaker 01

  It was definitely the fastest hour I've put together because of the events that it's about. My parents, you can't relate to this, but died very closely together.

• 47:05Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah. What's that like?

• 47:09Speaker 01

  They died nine days apart and we, we moved in and like duela'd them through death at home. And so it's, it just, and it happened when my last special came out. I've only done, I think this is my fifth special and my last special before that was my fourth special. Oh, I'm sorry. I don't, this is a terrible right turn, but maybe, I don't know what's going on, but my elbow, if I even touch it to a surface.

• 47:39Conan O'Brien?

  It hurts?

• 47:40Speaker 01

  Excruciating pain. It's like nerve ending or something. Does this sound familiar?

• 47:44Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 47:44Speaker 01

  Can you, really?

• 47:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's happened to me.

• 47:46Speaker 01

  What is it?

• 47:47Speaker 03

  It's, it's like, something is weird and then when you touch it the wrong way, it's very painful.

• 47:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:53Speaker 03

  And then it just kind of self-corrects itself, but I don't know how.

• 47:56Speaker 01

  My boyfriend goes, you should call the doctor. I go, no, because in three days it will be gone and I'll just have never known what it was.

• 48:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:02Speaker 01

  Anyway, what was I saying? My parents died. Sorry, go on.

• 48:09Conan O'Brien?

  What was I talking about? Oh, yes. The two most important people in the world to me passed away within nine days of each other. Wow.

• 48:16Speaker 01

  So you win.

• 48:18Conan O'Brien?

  I'm very competitive about these things. My parents went within three days of each other. But, um.

• 48:25Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. So as we're, we're taking care of them, my last special came out. And so when I went back to doing stand-up, I was starting completely over. And of course, all I had to talk about was my bad experience and it developed faster than usual.

• 48:42Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, because those are such strong feelings. You go out there, it's fresh, you're talking about it. Would you workshop this at the aforementioned Largo? Is that where you would go?

• 48:50Speaker 01

  Of course, of course.

• 48:51Conan O'Brien?

  Largo's, uh, well, we did many, we did podcasts from Largo, I believe. Did we? Or did we just do, no, we did, you know, we did, we did late night shows. During the COVID, we did the late night shows.

• 49:02Speaker 01

  Why are you talking about this like it was in 1987? It just happened. It was all during the pandemic.

• 49:07Conan O'Brien?

  COVID feels like a long time ago to me.

• 49:09Speaker 01

  It does.

• 49:09Conan O'Brien?

  It does. It actually does. Now people talk about it and it feels like, oh, yeah, COVID. Anyway, Largo, terrific space. And every time I'm there, I was there recently doing a bunch of.

• 49:22Speaker 01

  Oh, my God. You were amazing at the Oscars.

• 49:25Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, this is the point of this podcast. Thank you.

• 49:27Speaker 01

  You were amazing.

• 49:29Conan O'Brien?

  But I worked out stuff for the Oscars at Largo and, um, your picture is everywhere backstage. Plus, there's a big pillow of your face backstage, which you donated. Yeah, it's, it's very nice. That's a great space to be.

• 49:43Speaker 01

  It's, there's not pictures of me everywhere, but there's a couple of pictures.

• 49:46Conan O'Brien?

  There's a lot of pictures of you. I think you just bring pictures every time you go.

• 49:48Speaker 01

  No, I don't, but the pillow.

• 49:49Conan O'Brien?

  You hang them up when no one's looking.

• 49:51Speaker 01

  There is a pillow with my face on it back there. That's my friend Mark Cohen crocheted it. And then he gave it to me and I lived in a tiny apartment and I was having lunch with Flanagan and I was like, I can't, I love him so much, but I can't have a pillow with my face on it in my living room. It's like, it's embarrassing.

• 50:08Conan O'Brien?

  What is your problem?

• 50:09Speaker 01

  He goes, bring it over here.

• 50:11Conan O'Brien?

  Bring it over here. Wait a minute, my penis suggested?

• 50:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:15Conan O'Brien?

  Bring it over here. So you did this hour. Do you think, this is a question that I get a lot, that one of your parents was aware that the other had passed? Because most people that find out that your parents went at the same time or almost the same time, think that it's not coincidental, that one person knows that the other has passed and decides to also join them.

• 50:38Speaker 01

  Well, no, my dad knew that my stepmother, my stepmother had died. She had cancer. It was terrible. She loved life. Blah, not blah, blah, blah. Sorry, I'm not at all. Not blah, blah, blah, at all. But you know what I mean?

• 50:51Conan O'Brien?

  How was your eulogy, by the way?

• 50:53Speaker 01

  It was some.

• 50:53Conan O'Brien?

  She loved life, blah, blah, blah.

• 50:57Speaker 01

  She was so wonderful and they were in bed together, holding hands. So she was, he was, he was, they were holding hands and she had passed away and my sister had texted me because I had gone home to sleep for the night and she said, Janice has passed away and dad is, is, would normally be awake by now, but I think he, in his bones, he knows and he doesn't. But yeah, he, well, he lived another week and, and people came to visit him and stuff and, and so he knew and, and he even, um, he was so funny in his final days. Like, he, um, Jeff Ross came over. He was very close to my parents.

• 51:37Conan O'Brien?

  Roast master Jeff Ross.

• 51:38Speaker 01

  Roast master general, not your executive producer for my night. Though that would be, yeah. And, um.

• 51:44Conan O'Brien?

  Jeff would not go by if your dad was on his way out.

• 51:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:47Conan O'Brien?

  What's the point? Why would I go? There's no soup there.

• 51:52Conan O'Brien?

  They got food? I don't think I'll go. He'd be talking to your dad as he was dying while texting.

• 51:57Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 51:59Conan O'Brien?

  But anyway, so Roast Master Jeffrey Ross.

• 52:02Speaker 01

  Roast Master General, yeah. And he, first of all, he came, and I shockingly have this on video, so I talk about the thing and then you see it at the end, you know, like, in the credits, I put a bunch of like videos and pictures, like, you know, when you see a biographer or something, and then you you see the, like, the real people, I like that. Anyway, Jeff walked in and he said, everyone called my dad Schleppy. "Schleppy, I got bad news. I don't think you can be my emergency contact anymore." You know, my dad was laughing. And then Jeff had introduced my parents to this magician named Bernie Shine, who's closer to their age, and they all became good friends. And about six months earlier, they had all gone to see Bernie do magic, you know? So Jeff is sitting with my dad and he goes, "Do you want me to FaceTime Bernie so you could say goodbye?"

• 52:47Speaker 01

  And my dad said, "Okay." And, because my dad wanted to go. He probably could have gotten better, but he was like, "No, I'm good, I wanna..." He really just wanted to be with his Janice.

• 52:57Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 52:58Speaker 01

  So Jeff calls him and he holds up, you know, the camera and Bernie gets on and he goes, "Donald, I'm so..." He goes, "Donald, I'm so sorry." And my dad goes, "Bernie, your show was so bad it killed Janice."

• 53:19Conan O'Brien?

  God bless him, that's hilarious.

• 53:20Speaker 01

  Oh, my God. And then he goes, "And I'm not feeling so hot either." He knew it was gonna go, you know?

• 53:27Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, my God, that would be... I hope, I mean, I hope I'm able or in condition. Whenever my time comes, I hope I can be nice to be funny on the way out, wouldn't it?

• 53:39Speaker 03

  You're gonna be funny. I don't know how you stop yourself from it.

• 53:44Conan O'Brien?

  I just wanna do like, but I really wanna do long involved bits. That take a long time. That interfere with my medical care.

• 53:52Speaker 01

  You're gonna lie in bed like, "I'm funny still, right?"

• 53:55Conan O'Brien?

  So funny, right?

• 53:56Speaker 01

  "Am I funny?"

• 53:57Conan O'Brien?

  How was that last one?

• 53:59Speaker 01

  "Liza, it's funny, right?"

• 54:02Conan O'Brien?

  Mr. O'Brien, you'd live if you could just take this pill, but we can't get it in your mouth because it keeps moving. But right, but like, it's still funny, right? Like, what I'm doing is funny? I'm telling you, what you have is not that bad. You just need this antibiotic right now if you just sit still. He's dead. He wouldn't stop. Come on, you love it here. You love hanging with us.

• 54:26Speaker 01

  I do love it here.

• 54:30Conan O'Brien?

  What's better than hanging with us?

• 54:31Speaker 01

  How do you know time? No, I'm just kidding.

• 54:33Conan O'Brien?

  No, we've, we've.

• 54:34Speaker 01

  That was a real Kevin Nealon.

• 54:36Conan O'Brien?

  My favorite Kevin Nealon-ism of all time was when he was on the talk show once, and I've mentioned this, but I don't care. He's on the talk show and we're, he's doing really well. Everything's going great. And then there's a brief pause where neither one of us are talking, and Kevin just says, "Where is our waiter?" That just kills me. And I've seen, that clip is out there.

• 54:56Speaker 01

  I find, I think he's like the most underrated comedian out there.

• 55:02Conan O'Brien?

  Although people do love him. I mean, his episodes on this show consistently. So he is acknowledged. People know how funny.

• 55:07Speaker 01

  He's the funniest.

• 55:08Conan O'Brien?

  I always tell, I tell Kevin all the time, I'm telling you, you're the funniest and people know it.

• 55:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:16Conan O'Brien?

  It's out there. It's out there.

• 55:18Speaker 01

  Oh, okay. So that's the, that's the line.

• 55:20Conan O'Brien?

  It's on the dark web.

• 55:21Speaker 01

  Everybody knows. No, he's so fucking, he's so funny. And I love his jokes. You know his joke where he goes, "This is what bothers me about like the generation after, you know, like that we're of comics who are like, 'That's so hacky, talking about airplanes, talking about rental cars, difference between New Yorker and..." That's because comics used to have to be on the road and they still do, you know?

• 55:45Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 55:45Speaker 01

  And that was their lives and that's what they're talking about. It's not just hackneyed because like you heard someone tell you that stuff is hackneyed. Nothing is if it's funny. Like, there's no topic that's, you can't talk about. Anyway, this isn't part of his joke. But he has a joke about being on an airplane. He goes, you know, "I was on the airplane, you know, and I, I don't think that the pilot was very experienced." You know, he, he got on and he goes, "Oh, thank you for flying with us. So we'll be taking off in roughly five to 10." "Whoa, whoa, here we go."

• 56:19Speaker 01

  And then he comes back on 10 minutes later. Oh, where is the, uh, oh, here it is.

• 56:31Speaker 01

  And he used to do impressions, I don't think, not on, in, on, in his professional life, but he would always do impressions of the Beatles talking about, does this ring a bell?

• 56:41Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 56:42Speaker 01

  I'm not gonna do it, right? You just have to have him do it when he's here, but it's like, I remember it was like, I was fucking John in the asshole and it pulled out and it came on his face and that's when we wrote "I Will."

• 56:58Speaker 01

  That's like an easy version, but he, like a real, like an almost aristocrat's version, but it's always the Beatles talking about how they wrote songs.

• 57:06Conan O'Brien?

  I've never heard him go blue.

• 57:08Speaker 01

  I think that's why, it's just only for, you know, at-home words.

• 57:13Conan O'Brien?

  You just sold him out as being incredibly, uh, yeah, I, I adore him. I adore that man, we both do. He's not here, but, um...

• 57:23Speaker 01

  I mean, he's not dead.

• 57:24Conan O'Brien?

  He is to me.

• 57:27Conan O'Brien?

  Our thing is we don't look each other in the eye. We just will never be, you know, I won't take down my wall, he won't take down his.

• 57:33Speaker 01

  Pussy wall.

• 57:34Conan O'Brien?

  There's, there's, see, it all comes around.

• 57:37Speaker 01

  Pussy around. Oh, wait, no.

• 57:40Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, I'm stopping it here.

• 57:42Speaker 01

  Pussy here.

• 57:44Conan O'Brien?

  The show is post-mortem. It's streaming on Netflix. And, uh, I-

• 57:50Speaker 01

  Post-mortem. But it's not sad. I mean, it's got sad moments, but it is, you know-

• 57:55Conan O'Brien?

  It's a comedy special. It's a comedy hour.

• 57:57Speaker 01

  It's a comedy special.

• 57:58Conan O'Brien?

  I don't think I, I just, all I did was say the title and you went, "It's not sad!" I said the title. You have that title. That's the title you came up with.

• 58:06Speaker 01

  It's about my parents dying, but I am pointing out that it is, you know, just the funny parts.

• 58:13Conan O'Brien?

  A good comic can take any, any, any event.

• 58:16Speaker 01

  Tragedy plus less than a year equals comedy.

• 58:23Conan O'Brien?

  Thank you so much for being here.

• 58:25Speaker 01

  We've said it all.

• 58:26Conan O'Brien?

  We said it all like Bogie and Bacall. I treasure our friendship.

• 58:30Speaker 01

  I do too.

• 58:32Conan O'Brien?

  And I'm happy whenever you're coming by. And I think I learned a lot about female anatomy today and male anatomy. And that Kevin Ewan's really blue, disgusting comedian when I'm not around. He's never does that stuff for me, only for you.

• 58:47Speaker 01

  No.

• 58:47Conan O'Brien?

  Sad now, but Sarah, thank you for being here.

• 58:50Speaker 01

  He can also fart on command. Anyway, thanks. Bye.

• 59:00Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 59:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, I love awards.

• 59:04Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen, you know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 59:18Speaker 03

  Nice.

• 59:18Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from U.S. News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 59:26Speaker 03

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 59:31Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5 N, which I love. Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 59:50Speaker 03

  Hello.

• 59:51Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space. With available, I had this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA-estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty. It's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality innovation technology and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View U.S. News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 1:00:26Conan O'Brien?

  This fall, I want to try something different.

• 1:00:27Speaker 03

  What?

• 1:00:28Conan O'Brien?

  I like to change it up. I like to learn things. So I'm gonna try and make apple cider.

• 1:00:32Speaker 03

  Ooh.

• 1:00:32Conan O'Brien?

  Every morning.

• 1:00:33Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:00:33Conan O'Brien?

  This fall, just to see if I can do it.

• 1:00:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:00:36Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, fall's the perfect season to try something new, like joining T-Mobile.

• 1:00:39Speaker 03

  Oh, that's good.

• 1:00:40Conan O'Brien?

  See what I did?

• 1:00:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:00:41Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, there are 250 reasons to join T-Mobile right now. You want to hear what they are?

• 1:00:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:00:46Conan O'Brien?

  They're America's best network.

• 1:00:47Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:00:47Conan O'Brien?

  True story. Plus, T-Mobile has got off-grid satellite coverage. That comes in really handy. I like to just wander in the woods sometimes.

• 1:00:54Speaker 03

  Oh, that's weird.

• 1:00:55Conan O'Brien?

  When I'm thinking about, like, making apple cider.

• 1:00:57Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 1:00:57Conan O'Brien?

  And that's when it comes in handy. Here's another reason. High-speed data in over 215 countries and destinations. I travel a lot for the

• 1:01:04Speaker 03

  You travel a lot.

• 1:01:05Conan O'Brien?

  Travel show that I do.

• 1:01:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:01:06Conan O'Brien?

  Stream this podcast while ignoring local landmarks. That's always fun to do. Like, oh, look, there's the Mona Lisa. Yeah, check it out. I'm in the Louvre. I should. But I'm listening to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

• 1:01:17Speaker 03

  That doesn't seem like a good idea.

• 1:01:18Conan O'Brien?

  It's a great idea.

• 1:01:19Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:01:20Conan O'Brien?

  You know, you can see art anytime. But how often can you listen to this podcast?

• 1:01:25Speaker 03

  My god.

• 1:01:26Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Now, all these reasons make T-Mobile a great choice.

• 1:01:29Speaker 03

  I agree.

• 1:01:30Conan O'Brien?

  T-Mobile is stacking up reasons to join. Go to T-Mobile.com and find yours best, based on analysis by Ookla of speed test intelligence data first half of 2026. Can't believe I read that. T-Satellite with capable devices in most outdoor areas in the US, where you can see the sky. High-speed international data with qualifying plan. Visit T-Mobile.com. Consult a physician. I just threw that in there.

• 1:01:54Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 1:01:59Conan O'Brien?

  Earth can be a lot. There's gravity. There's mosquitoes.

• 1:02:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:02:02Conan O'Brien?

  And a sun that will gulf us in about 5 billion years, give or take.

• 1:02:06Speaker 03

  Oh, good.

• 1:02:06Conan O'Brien?

  It is going to eventually incinerate us, the sun. But we've got 5 billion years.

• 1:02:10Speaker 03

  Okay, that's fine.

• 1:02:10Conan O'Brien?

  Cosmically speaking, you earned a break, so escape to Pluto TV.

• 1:02:14Speaker 03

  That's where this was going.

• 1:02:15Conan O'Brien?

  Yep, I knew the second I saw, the minute I saw the sun exploding and incinerating us, I knew this was going to Pluto TV. Turn off your earthly problems and turn on the movies and shows you already love. From Anchorman, The Legend of Ron Burgundy, to Dirty Dancing, from Alias to The X-Files, no subscription, no fees, zero dollars. When that sun's pulsating and burning you up, you've got the best thing on TV. And the best things on TV are free. Escape to Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay never.

• 1:02:48Speaker 04

  Okay, let's do some review the reviewers. This is where we kind of read through some of the Apple Podcasts reviews.

• 1:02:54Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, God.

• 1:02:54Speaker 04

  And we can review or answer or comment.

• 1:02:56Conan O'Brien?

  Terrifying.

• 1:02:57Speaker 04

  Anything they say.

• 1:02:57Conan O'Brien?

  Let's do it.

• 1:02:58Speaker 03

  They're all five stars, right? They're all five stars.

• 1:03:00Speaker 04

  Uh, yes, this is from Deborah PDX. Okay.

• 1:03:03Conan O'Brien?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:03:04Speaker 04

  Called Conan the bacterium. I love you guys so much. Have you heard about Conan the bacterium? This is a real bacterium that can survive radiation. Check out the recent episode of Short Wave. Here's a quote from the episode. It sounds like it's describing all three of you. Oh, my God, he recalls, thinking, there's something new that forms when you put the pieces together, which makes it better than one or the other. It's the combination in which they interact with each other. In other words, the interaction between the three components is greater than the sum of its parts.

• 1:03:33Speaker 03

  Aww.

• 1:03:34Speaker 04

  That's Conan the bacterium.

• 1:03:35Conan O'Brien?

  But I don't understand. They say the bacteria is hard to defeat because it's got three components?

• 1:03:39Speaker 04

  Uh, they just said it can survive radiation.

• 1:03:41Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:03:42Conan O'Brien?

  So, huh.

• 1:03:43Speaker 04

  Good question.

• 1:03:44Speaker 03

  What if that's what you're named after? Cause your dad's a, your dad's a microbiologist. What if he was like, oh, Conan the bacterium?

• 1:03:51Conan O'Brien?

  No, he didn't.

• 1:03:51Speaker 03

  And then you were born and he was like, oh, God, let's name this one Conan.

• 1:03:56Conan O'Brien?

  Really mean thing to say.

• 1:03:57Speaker 03

  Well.

• 1:03:58Conan O'Brien?

  And that's not how I was named Conan.

• 1:03:59Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:04:00Conan O'Brien?

  My dad went to the, I was non, unnamed for a little while.

• 1:04:03Speaker 04

  For how long?

• 1:04:04Conan O'Brien?

  I was born, um, I don't think that long, but they were, you know, they want the name right away. And my dad said he wanted to go to the medical school library and look, he didn't have the name yet, and he looked up names. He thought it should be interesting. And my dad had very specific ideas about how a first name should work with a last name. And because the last name is O'Brien, he thought it should end with, it should allied well with the last name.

• 1:04:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, he's right.

• 1:04:31Conan O'Brien?

  He's right. And he also wanted something that was simple. He hated nicknames, so his name was Thomas and everyone called him Tom, and he didn't like that. So he wanted a name that wouldn't be broken down into a nickname. He had all these rules. And so Luke, Neil, Conan.

• 1:04:46Speaker 04

  But where did he find Conan?

• 1:04:48Conan O'Brien?

  He looked up, and I think it's, uh, you know, one of the early religious figure. I don't know if it was a cardinal who was in Ireland. And actually, um, there's a very famous thing called the Bayou Tapestry, which is this like cartoon that describes uh the battle in 1066 and all the things that happened when England was invaded by the Normans. And there's one panel that shows a guy fleeing. And underneath his name, he's a cowardly person. It says C O N A N. And then the next panel is Conan surrendering the keys to the city and he has the keys on a long pole. Like he's so afraid, he just wants, doesn't even want to touch the bad guys. He's just handing them the keys on a long pole. Oh my god.

• 1:05:31Conan O'Brien?

  It's one panel and then the next. And my parents, um, years ago, went to the gift shop where the Bayou Tapestry is held. And you can bu- you can look up the different panels and they bought the two panels and gave them to me.

• 1:05:44Speaker 03

  Aww.

• 1:05:44Conan O'Brien?

  Conan fleeing the battle and then Conan handing over the keys and um, it's hilarious. So I'm named for this guy.

• 1:05:52Speaker 03

  I was gonna say.

• 1:05:53Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:54Speaker 03

  So I saw this and they were like, oh.

• 1:05:55Conan O'Brien?

  That's not why he named me that. He just, he found that later on and thought it was really funny. He gave me that name because he saw it somewhere. He thought it was really, didn't know anything about Conan the Barbarian, nothing.

• 1:06:04Speaker 03

  It's cool.

• 1:06:05Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:05Speaker 03

  Conan is a really cool, it's just, does all your other siblings have like, pretty traditional names?

• 1:06:11Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:11Speaker 03

  And then you're not traditional.

• 1:06:14Conan O'Brien?

  It's like, uh, you know, there's that story, that song by Johnny Cash, Boy Named Sue. Yeah.

• 1:06:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:06:20Conan O'Brien?

  Where a guy names his son Sue and he gets beat up all the time, but it makes him stronger. Uh, and then at the end, he goes to his dad and says, why'd you call me Sue? And he's just like, because it made you a tougher guy.

• 1:06:31Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:06:31Conan O'Brien?

  Um, I was, you know, Conan was a little like that at times, growing up.

• 1:06:36Speaker 03

  Did it make you tougher?

• 1:06:38Conan O'Brien?

  Oh god, well clearly you've seen them. I'm a pretty, I'm a pretty rough and tumble fellow.

• 1:06:44Speaker 03

  Very much like the Tapestry version of Conan.

• 1:06:46Conan O'Brien?

  I was gonna say. How many keys have you handed over? It can go one of two ways. Let's just say it can either make you tougher or it makes you immediately surrender in the Battle of Hastings. The first time I met you, you just handed me your car keys.

• 1:07:00Speaker 04

  I'm sorry, on a pole. I'm sorry. Please don't hurt me. Sona, who were you named after? Your grandma, is that right?

• 1:07:07Speaker 03

  My grandma, yeah, well, you know, I go by my middle name. Talim is just a, like, I think it was just like a nice Armenian name, but then they just called me Sona.

• 1:07:15Conan O'Brien?

  Does Sona have a meaning?

• 1:07:18Speaker 03

  Well, she was Greek, but the name itself in Hindi means gold.

• 1:07:22Conan O'Brien?

  That's cool.

• 1:07:23Speaker 03

  But I don't know if it, if there's, like, if there's a Greek meaning to it. I don't know. I have no idea. Yeah.

• 1:07:29Conan O'Brien?

  You haven't given it much thought. Matthew, are you named after anybody?

• 1:07:32Speaker 04

  My namesake is, really belies me because it's really cool and it just doesn't fit for me. I was named after Marshall Matt Dillon from Gunsmoke.

• 1:07:40Conan O'Brien?

  You're kidding?

• 1:07:41Speaker 03

  What?

• 1:07:41Speaker 04

  I know.

• 1:07:42Conan O'Brien?

  What a cool person to be named after. I was almost named Festus, and that's really funny if you watch that TV show.

• 1:07:49Speaker 04

  My grandmother, who died the week I was born, loved that show and loved him, so she kinda, I think to honor her, they, they named me after him.

• 1:07:58Speaker 03

  I thought it was biblical. That's cool.

• 1:08:00Conan O'Brien?

  To be named after a TV show from the 60s, 70s is hilarious.

• 1:08:04Speaker 03

  That's awesome.

• 1:08:05Speaker 04

  I know my name is very biblical, Matthew James, but my dad's name is James. None of it's biblical. It's, yeah.

• 1:08:09Conan O'Brien?

  Interesting. Very interesting.

• 1:08:11Speaker 06

  Can I point out that it says in Latin, Sona means can be heard?

• 1:08:15Speaker 03

  No way!

• 1:08:17Conan O'Brien?

  What? That's so funny. Try not hearing her.

• 1:08:20Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:08:21Conan O'Brien?

  I'm sorry.

• 1:08:21Speaker 03

  That is so cool. I can't believe I never thought to, like, Google that. Oh my god.

• 1:08:26Speaker 04

  Do you know what Matthew means?

• 1:08:27Conan O'Brien?

  What? Gift of God.

• 1:08:29Speaker 03

  It is a charm.

• 1:08:33Speaker 04

  You didn't get everything right, God.

• 1:08:35Conan O'Brien?

  All right, gift of God.

• 1:08:36Speaker 04

  I gotta re-gift this one, God.

• 1:08:39Conan O'Brien?

  You got a factory irregular.

• 1:08:40Speaker 03

  Give this. What am I doing?

• 1:08:43Speaker 04

  What is this, a white elephant?

• 1:08:44Speaker 03

  Nothing, I'm jerking off the thing. I'm doing the jerk off motion, but like, no one can see it.

• 1:08:48Conan O'Brien?

  Can I say something? When you do the jerk off motion, you always have the penis way off to the side.

• 1:08:52Speaker 04

  I know.

• 1:08:53Conan O'Brien?

  And it's coming out at a weird angle.

• 1:08:55Speaker 04

  It's like you're around the corner.

• 1:08:56Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:57Speaker 04

  What?

• 1:08:58Conan O'Brien?

  And also, no, it's not.

• 1:09:00Speaker 04

  Salad dressing?

• 1:09:00Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's not salad dressing and it's not castanets.

• 1:09:03Speaker 04

  Oh my god.

• 1:09:04Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, now you're a Pepe A. Grind that out.

• 1:09:08Speaker 04

  Oh my god.

• 1:09:08Conan O'Brien?

  All right, well, let's, don't look at the video for this. You won't like it.

• 1:09:11Speaker 03

  No, I know, don't do it.

• 1:09:12Speaker 04

  I'm worried for your husband.

• 1:09:13Conan O'Brien?

  Well, hey, thank you.

• 1:09:16Conan O'Brien?

  No wonder, no wonder Tac has always doubled over in pain. Surprise.

• 1:09:22Speaker 03

  Is that how it's done? Is that how it's done? You don't punch it?

• 1:09:26Conan O'Brien?

  Son of a got all hot and heavy last night.

• 1:09:27Speaker 04

  It's also not just one of those. It's all of those. He's gotta go through all of them.

• 1:09:31Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. I'm like, stop it! Stop it! Oh, my God. Now he's at Benihana. Now he's at Benihana.

• 1:09:37Speaker 04

  Oh, my God.

• 1:09:37Speaker 03

  Blink, blink, blink, blink, blink.

• 1:09:38Speaker 04

  Oh, he made the onion volcano.

• 1:09:40Conan O'Brien?

  OK, OK. Let's wrap this up. Thanks, you fan. We took your kind of interesting scientific fact, and we got to Benihana chef chopping up with blades. Tacks.

• 1:09:54Speaker 04

  Penis.

• 1:09:55Conan O'Brien?

  Tackle. All right. Peace out, Tupac.

• 1:10:01Speaker 04

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sona of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

• 1:10:21Speaker 04

  Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

• 1:11:11Conan O'Brien?

  Technology can generate salary recommendations in seconds, but building an offer that lands skilled talent? That takes more than just an estimate you came up with.

• 1:11:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, you're right.

• 1:11:21Conan O'Brien?

  That's where Robert Half's new 2027 Salary Guide can help.

• 1:11:25Speaker 03

  That's good.

• 1:11:25Conan O'Brien?

  Did we use a salary guide with you, Sona?

• 1:11:27Speaker 03

  Uh, no, but maybe-

• 1:11:28Conan O'Brien?

  For several years, I just gave you groceries, remember?

• 1:11:30Speaker 03

  I know, yeah, I remember that. That was not good.

• 1:11:33Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, well, anyway, now you got Robert Half's new 2027 Salary Guide. As a staffing firm placing talent every day, Robert Half combines compensation data with the experience of local recruiters. You can hire with the confidence that comes from experience. The new Robert Half Salary Guide is here. Visit roberthalf.com/salaryguide.

• 1:11:54Conan O'Brien?

  When you hear Alka-Seltzer, you probably think heartburn, right?

• 1:11:57Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 1:11:58Conan O'Brien?

  Well, did you know Alka-Seltzer has a line of cold and flu medications known as Alka-Seltzer Cold? Did you know that, David?

• 1:12:05Speaker 01

  No, but I feel like we need it.

• 1:12:06Conan O'Brien?

  Why didn't you know that, David?

• 1:12:07Speaker 01

  I know, you expect me to know everything.

• 1:12:09Conan O'Brien?

  I knew this because I-

• 1:12:11Speaker 01

  Did you?

• 1:12:11Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I've tried it, it's really good. And I like that fizzy, fizzy, fizzy when you drop the Alka-Seltzer Cold into the water. Alka-Seltzer Cold: Fast Dissolves Tablets are designed to deliver cold and flu relief fast. Just drop the two tablets in water and hear those bubbles bursting into action, ready to work faster than pills. Bubbles faster than pills. Pills take time to dissolve, not bubbles. Next time a cold or flu strikes, quick! Alka-Seltzer Cold: Nothing works faster for cold and flu symptom relief. Among oral products used as directed.