Lizzy Caplan Returns

Actress Lizzy Caplan feels "meh, had better" about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Lizzy sits down with Conan once more to discuss the loss of her father, how social media has created a culture of narcissism, and her newest TV mini series Zero Day. Plus, Matt Gourley helps Conan finally track down one of his childhood dream toys. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: (669) 587-2847.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Conan O'Brien?

  Who do you shop for first on the holidays, Sona? Was it, do you shop for the kids or do you shop for Tac?

• 0:06Speaker 01

  My kids.

• 0:07Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 0:07Speaker 01

  Or Oki.

• 0:08Conan O'Brien?

  You gotta get them your stuff.

• 0:08Speaker 01

  Or my dog.

• 0:09Conan O'Brien?

  And then your husband is last. Well, guess what? It's that time of year. You feel that, you smell that cinnamon cider in the air? Do you smell that?

• 0:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:19Conan O'Brien?

  And you see pumpkins around, people buying turkeys. A little early to buy a turkey.

• 0:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:24Conan O'Brien?

  Doesn't matter. Holidays? I would say it's just around the corner, but that's a cliche. It's very nearby in the cupboard. Well, guess what? Amazon delivers joy with low prices on the gifts you want even this early in the season. So get ahead of the season. Shop early gifts, top picks, holiday decor, and advent calendars at low prices. Get ahead, start on holiday gifting with Amazon's low prices. Shop now at amazon.com/holiday.

• 0:55Conan O'Brien?

  The holidays are supposed to be about making memories, not managing the mess that comes with them. Between winter weather, road trips, shopping, and family gatherings, your vehicle can take a beating. Mine sure does.

• 1:06Speaker 01

  Same.

• 1:06Conan O'Brien?

  Especially when I'm back in the Northeast, driving around. I mean, I grew up with that.

• 1:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:10Conan O'Brien?

  Cars were red, the salt on the road, people throwing rocks at me.

• 1:14Speaker 01

  Whaaat?

• 1:15Conan O'Brien?

  That's not a weather thing. That's more of a me being, making people angry problem. WeatherTech helps protect your vehicle from snow, slush, salt, and seasonal messes. They also make the best gifts for automobile protection, from floor liners and cargo liner to side window deflectors, even gift cards. Great for today and to prevent future messes. Everything is built to last, easy to clean, and designed for harsh winter conditions, okay? I grew up with this.

• 1:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:42Conan O'Brien?

  And the salt would eat away the car. We actually did have a Chevy. My dad had a Chevy Impala, and the floor rusted out and you could see the road going by.

• 1:49Speaker 01

  Oh!

• 1:50Conan O'Brien?

  Boy, we were praying for WeatherTech and we didn't even know it. That was before it existed.

• 1:55Speaker 01

  That's cool.

• 1:56Conan O'Brien?

  So get a gift today at weathertech.com.

• 2:02Speaker 01

  Hi, my name is Lizzie Kaplan and I feel...

• 2:08Speaker 01

  Nah, I've had better. About being Conan O'Brien's friend.

• 2:13Speaker 02

  Yes!

• 2:35Conan O'Brien?

  Hey there, Conan O'Brien here. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Put a little pause there. Adam West style to add a little drama.

• 2:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was very.

• 2:44Conan O'Brien?

  Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Joined by Sonam of Sessian.

• 2:49Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 2:50Conan O'Brien?

  And of course, Matt Gourley. Hello. And guess what? This is a different little take on things. I've got some gum in my mouth right now.

• 2:56Speaker 02

  Oh, I hate that sound.

• 2:58Speaker 01

  God, don't chomp in.

• 2:58Conan O'Brien?

  I know, people don't like that. Alright, I'm gonna take it out. But anyway, I just thought it kinda made me look like a guy that doesn't, I don't know, I don't care that much about my work. I just do it. I'm just kind of an artist, you know?

• 3:08Speaker 01

  You just, you forgot it in there.

• 3:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I forgot it was in there.

• 3:11Speaker 02

  And chewing gum implies all of that to you, that you don't care about your work, you're an artist. Just because you eat chewing gum?

• 3:17Conan O'Brien?

  Um, I don't know. I didn't put much thought into it, and then you asked for an explanation and the whole thing fell apart. Like wet cardboard. Um, the gum is out of my mouth. For those of you, what is it called when you hate the chomping?

• 3:28Speaker 02

  Misophonia.

• 3:29Conan O'Brien?

  Misophonia?

• 3:30Speaker 02

  I think I have.

• 3:30Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I've got misophonia.

• 3:32Speaker 01

  Oh, man!

• 3:35Conan O'Brien?

  Sorry.

• 3:35Speaker 01

  Oh, God, I need to go.

• 3:37Conan O'Brien?

  I just wanted him to walk right into it.

• 3:39Speaker 01

  I wanna not be here anymore.

• 3:41Conan O'Brien?

  No, I, uh, I've been around people that have it, and you can't do anything. You can't have soup, you can't have peanut brittle around people that have misophonia.

• 3:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:52Conan O'Brien?

  What's the matter?

• 3:53Speaker 02

  What are you looking at me for?

• 3:54Conan O'Brien?

  I'm just saying, it's, uh, it's terrible.

• 3:56Speaker 02

  You're not a victim. Let's put it that way.

• 3:58Conan O'Brien?

  I think I'm a victim in some ways.

• 3:59Speaker 02

  How so?

• 4:00Conan O'Brien?

  Constant expectations of greatness.

• 4:02Speaker 01

  Oh, I don't think anybody does expect that from you.

• 4:08Conan O'Brien?

  Wherever I go, I'm burdened by middling expectations. I, uh, no, it's, it's, it's terrible for people that have that. And it's, it's tough to be around.

• 4:17Speaker 01

  What do you mean? Like, it's tough for you to bring around someone who has that?

• 4:20Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, uh, my daughter was constantly saying, I hate the way that it sounds when you consume the food that keeps you alive.

• 4:28Speaker 01

  I mean, in her defense, but in her defense, you eat like an animal. I mean, not in a nice way, but you eat, the way you eat is...

• 4:39Conan O'Brien?

  Describe it.

• 4:40Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 4:41Conan O'Brien?

  You've got the floor.

• 4:41Speaker 01

  First of all, you're angry whenever you're eating. I don't know why. I don't know if you enjoy the food. And then you inhale it as if all of your siblings are just looming over you.

• 4:50Conan O'Brien?

  They were.

• 4:51Speaker 01

  But nobody is anymore.

• 4:53Conan O'Brien?

  I know, but it's the phantom leg syndrome.

• 4:55Speaker 01

  Nah.

• 4:56Conan O'Brien?

  I'll tell you why I'm angry when I eat. Because I know that the food is sustaining my life, which is causing me pain.

• 5:02Speaker 01

  But why can't it make you happy?

• 5:04Speaker 02

  So you're mad at the food because it's keeping you alive?

• 5:07Conan O'Brien?

  I'm mad at the food because it's keeping me alive so that all this continues.

• 5:11Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 5:11Conan O'Brien?

  Pretty dark, huh?

• 5:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:13Conan O'Brien?

  No, I, uh, I will admit that I eat quickly.

• 5:17Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 5:18Conan O'Brien?

  And I do, I'm getting better. I'm trying to chew the food and be thoughtful, he said, lying.

• 5:24Speaker 01

  Okay, I figured. Because I saw you eat not that long ago, and it's the same.

• 5:28Conan O'Brien?

  Really?

• 5:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:29Conan O'Brien?

  I didn't get any better?

• 5:30Speaker 01

  Nah, it's okay. It's okay to just be you.

• 5:33Conan O'Brien?

  Well, Danny, your brother, did he, does he eat quickly? Or no, he eats with the calm assurance that he was the oldest. He only had one sister, and no one was gonna take his food.

• 5:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, actually, he does.

• 5:42Conan O'Brien?

  Your father was in the corner brushing his mustache. He wasn't gonna take it.

• 5:44Speaker 01

  Okay, come on. Why does it all go back to Gil and his mustache?

• 5:48Conan O'Brien?

  It's a good-looking mustache. There's no way that it just looks that way. He's combing it constantly.

• 5:53Speaker 01

  He's not combing his mustache constantly.

• 5:55Conan O'Brien?

  Frisk him, I bet he has a tiny little comb.

• 5:57Speaker 01

  I'm not gonna frisk my dad.

• 5:59Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I'm gonna have the police frisk Gil at the airport the next time he goes through. And I bet whenever, I bet whenever he walks through the machine, he goes, "Bleh, bleh, bleh." And they, I mean, no, it's a metal comb. It goes.

• 6:09Speaker 01

  I know, what kind of comb is it?

• 6:10Conan O'Brien?

  Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. Yeah, it's metal. And they take it out and it's this tiny little mustache comb. And then he has to explain to them that's why his mustache looks so good. This riff's a waste of everyone's time. Gil, my apologies. I love you. You're a good man.

• 6:22Speaker 01

  You're apologizing. That's good.

• 6:24Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I said it quickly.

• 6:24Speaker 01

  I know.

• 6:25Conan O'Brien?

  Let's not draw attention to it.

• 6:26Speaker 01

  Look, I'm on Nev's side.

• 6:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, I, I think that, uh, I've, and she's made me very conscious of the way I, I, I eat. And so she helped me that way.

• 6:35Speaker 02

  There's a difference between inhaling food and are you doing the kind of open mouth? That's the thing that I have a misophonia for. I can't stand when people.

• 6:43Conan O'Brien?

  An open mouth chewer? I don't think I'm an open mouth chewer.

• 6:45Speaker 02

  Someone very close in my life is an open mouth chewer.

• 6:48Conan O'Brien?

  You're talking about Jeff Ross? Jeff Ross is a chomp, chomp, smack, smack man. And I think we can all agree on that.

• 6:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's chomp, chomp, smack, smack.

• 6:54Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 6:54Speaker 02

  Okay, yeah.

• 6:55Conan O'Brien?

  He'll be talking to me and be like, yeah, so anyway, uh, and I'm like, what, what are you eating? And sometimes it's something that doesn't even need chewing, like a melting, what do you have there, Jeff? A melted popsicle?

• 7:06Conan O'Brien?

  What are you chewing for? It's two days old. It was in the back of my car in the sun. So it's liquid. That's right. Anyway, I think we're gonna go out, uh, the east coast. We'll be there for the SNL thing. There's nothing in your mouth right now. Yeah, he's an open mouth chewer.

• 7:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:22Conan O'Brien?

  But he'll, he'll hear this. Does he listen to the podcast? I don't think he does. Yeah, here and there.

• 7:26Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 7:27Conan O'Brien?

  But we, this is my way of talking to him now is through the podcast.

• 7:30Speaker 02

  Podcastively aggressively?

• 7:32Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? This is a great, I'm very passive aggressive. And this is a great way to talk to people who I know and love in my life and, and tell them how I really feel.

• 7:39Speaker 02

  That's not bad. I'm gonna talk to the person who does the lip smacking.

• 7:42Conan O'Brien?

  Who is it?

• 7:42Speaker 02

  I can't say.

• 7:43Conan O'Brien?

  Why? Who?

• 7:44Speaker 02

  Oh, wait, we're on camera.

• 7:46Conan O'Brien?

  Who? Say.

• 7:49Conan O'Brien?

  Oh. Why are you doing all this miming on camera? Anyone can look up.

• 7:53Speaker 02

  This is gonna backfire.

• 7:54Speaker 01

  You're, you edit it. You can easily edit out the.

• 7:57Speaker 02

  I don't edit the video.

• 7:57Conan O'Brien?

  Wait, you haven't told her? You haven't told her?

• 7:59Speaker 02

  No, I've told her, but it's gotten to the point where I can't say it anymore.

• 8:02Conan O'Brien?

  Well, then this is the perfect way that she listened to the podcast.

• 8:05Speaker 02

  Wait, I'm not even saying this is a she.

• 8:09Conan O'Brien?

  No, I mean, you could have married anyone. It's legal. Yay. He's spouting down, rolling out the phone.

• 8:17Speaker 01

  Oh, I'm sorry, Matt.

• 8:18Speaker 02

  I love this person more than life itself.

• 8:22Conan O'Brien?

  Yup, no.

• 8:23Speaker 02

  And this is but a, and, and I have faults too. And so, and probably greater faults. I'm sure I have greater faults.

• 8:30Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 8:30Speaker 02

  Uh, it's, it's been discussed and it's been noted and it's been, it, it put into the record and there's nothing more I can do about it.

• 8:36Speaker 01

  Oh my God. How about the two of you, you and this person that Matt's talking about, eat. You have a time minimum to eat a meal and this person.

• 8:48Conan O'Brien?

  What are we talking about?

• 8:49Speaker 01

  I don't know. I lost it as I went.

• 8:52Conan O'Brien?

  Eduardo speaks Sona. Eduardo talks good Sona.

• 8:55Speaker 01

  I lost it as I went.

• 8:56Speaker 03

  So you think you can put like a decibel meter on that person to make sure they don't pass a certain volume, maybe?

• 9:01Speaker 01

  Yes, there you go. We'll fix you.

• 9:03Speaker 02

  But that's the problem. It's not the level of volume. It's almost worse that it's slightly quiet.

• 9:07Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 9:08Speaker 02

  Then you start, like, I start straining to hear it. It's, it's much my fault.

• 9:12Conan O'Brien?

  It's a dynamic.

• 9:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:13Conan O'Brien?

  And I think it's fair to say that in all relationships, especially the one you're talking about, which is a marriage.

• 9:18Speaker 02

  No, no, this is, um, my clergyman.

• 9:22Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, yes, that's right. Pastor Samuelson.

• 9:25Speaker 01

  You eat a lot of meals this time?

• 9:26Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. They always get together for, for beans.

• 9:29Speaker 02

  Yes, I take my dinners with my clergyman.

• 9:32Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 9:32Speaker 02

  Out in the cloister.

• 9:35Conan O'Brien?

  You have oysters in the cloister.

• 9:37Speaker 02

  Me so horny.

• 9:39Conan O'Brien?

  Listen, you gotta admit, that was, that was the natural. It was a home run. The lights exploded. Uh, Eduardo watched me trot in slow motion around the field with, uh, Robert Redford's body.

• 9:48Speaker 01

  Let's, can we please just actually give you a sandwich and say you can't finish this in less than 10 minutes?

• 9:56Conan O'Brien?

  That would be hard. That would be difficult.

• 9:56Speaker 02

  I have the same issue.

• 9:57Conan O'Brien?

  I, I eat quickly, uh, as do most people that grew up in a prison or penitentiary.

• 10:03Speaker 01

  Okay, you know what?

• 10:04Conan O'Brien?

  I put my arms around my food to protect it from my brother Neil.

• 10:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:08Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, who used one of those supermarket grabbers to reach over and get my food. He was ingenious.

• 10:13Speaker 02

  I didn't have this oppressive sibling thing. I think for me, it was just, let's get this over with so I can do fun things and live life. Food wasn't that exciting.

• 10:22Speaker 01

  Watch Star Wars again.

• 10:24Conan O'Brien?

  To live life.

• 10:26Speaker 02

  You happen to be right?

• 10:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 10:28Speaker 01

  So I can organize my figuring.

• 10:31Speaker 02

  But take it easy.

• 10:32Conan O'Brien?

  Boba Fett goes in front.

• 10:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't see a problem with this.

• 10:35Conan O'Brien?

  Mandalorian goes second.

• 10:37Speaker 02

  You're making my point for me.

• 10:38Conan O'Brien?

  R2-D2 third.

• 10:40Speaker 02

  Well said.

• 10:41Conan O'Brien?

  Sabart Ropabip goes fourth.

• 10:44Speaker 02

  That one's not real.

• 10:46Conan O'Brien?

  It could be. There's a new installment.

• 10:48Speaker 02

  So you guys understand.

• 10:49Conan O'Brien?

  Disney keeps cranking them out because they can't stop. They don't have other content.

• 10:53Speaker 02

  I got a lot of editing to do on this, uh, this one.

• 10:56Conan O'Brien?

  Zardarth Bixnax goes fifth. He's from the planet Arx Max Max.

• 11:03Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 11:04Conan O'Brien?

  Look stacks you.

• 11:05Speaker 02

  Now you're getting personal.

• 11:06Conan O'Brien?

  All right. Well, anyway, uh, yes, live life to its, you are Zorba the Greek, man. Just living life to its fullest. Hmm, this small thimble full of iced tea, decaffeinated, and then off to organize my figurines.

• 11:21Speaker 02

  Oh, you're one to talk, asshole.

• 11:23Conan O'Brien?

  Zarth Billmore. Chaz Bixy.

• 11:26Speaker 02

  Theodore Roosevelt, 14 volumes gotta be read by noon.

• 11:29Conan O'Brien?

  It's called knowledge of history.

• 11:31Speaker 01

  The nerd off.

• 11:33Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, please. I think when I read history, I'm educating myself about the history of our nation. Maybe with an eye towards how we should move forward. What you're doing is living in a fantasy world of Gax Bixnor, Chaz Bilney, Rex Haxeldax, Zorath Bithree, and.

• 11:59Speaker 02

  Sounds pretty good.

• 11:59Conan O'Brien?

  That's one character.

• 12:00Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 12:01Conan O'Brien?

  All right, my guest today.

• 12:02Speaker 02

  Oh, God.

• 12:03Conan O'Brien?

  There's no transitions in this universe. They were done away by the Empire. Who destroy all transitions?

• 12:12Speaker 02

  Uh, excuse me?

• 12:13Conan O'Brien?

  Excuse me. That was a guy.

• 12:15Speaker 02

  That was, who's that? Darth Vader?

• 12:16Conan O'Brien?

  No, there's someone with emphysema.

• 12:17Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 12:19Conan O'Brien?

  My guest today, how do we know Darth Vader didn't have emphysema? And there was no, uh, device assisting him. My guest today has it, my guest today is a.

• 12:28Speaker 02

  I have, I have, I have some.

• 12:30Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no.

• 12:30Speaker 02

  I have some thinking I have to do.

• 12:32Conan O'Brien?

  My guest today, my guest today, you have some D.

• 12:34Speaker 02

  I have to go home and reconsider.

• 12:35Conan O'Brien?

  You need to go look in the mirror for a long time, buddy boy.

• 12:38Speaker 02

  I can't believe you're telling me this.

• 12:40Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 12:40Speaker 02

  And I'm taking it from you. I take it from you.

• 12:42Conan O'Brien?

  My guest.

• 12:43Speaker 02

  No, not, no, no, not guest yet. I got it. I got it.

• 12:46Speaker 01

  No!

• 12:49Speaker 02

  You, of all people, and you yourself are always admitting you're just projecting.

• 12:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:54Speaker 02

  Why don't you go screw your dick wish?

• 12:57Speaker 04

  Dick wish?

• 12:57Conan O'Brien?

  This is what you held up our guest for? I hope you're proud of yourself. You sure showed me. I don't know how I'm going to recover from that lethal blow. My guest today. All right, I'll allow it. You know what, this is, I love this person. What's happening, son? Are you okay?

• 13:13Speaker 04

  I'm dying.

• 13:14Conan O'Brien?

  I'm dying.

• 13:15Speaker 04

  I am actually dying.

• 13:16Conan O'Brien?

  My guest today. Of course, she's a very talented actress. You know her from such films, TV shows as Mean Girls, Party Down. I, I just, she's one of my favorite people. You know that.

• 13:28Speaker 04

  I love her too.

• 13:29Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, you can see her in the Netflix series Zero Days. She's so crazily talented. I also happen to know that she's an amazing person in every way you would want someone to be an amazing person. I'm excited. I'm thrilled she's here today.

• 13:45Conan O'Brien?

  Lizzie Kaplan, welcome.

• 13:50Conan O'Brien?

  Well, as you're well aware, I've got a bad case with Lizzie Kaplan. She's one of my favorite people of all time. Your work and also just you as a person, I'm just gonna start off saying it. We've hung out a little bit on the side and I just always leave thinking, Jesus Christ, that Lizzie Kaplan is, if there's anyone cooler than this woman, I have not, I have not met her. And, um.

• 14:12Speaker 04

  Damn.

• 14:13Conan O'Brien?

  Damn, seriously, seriously. I absolutely adore you.

• 14:17Speaker 04

  Thanks, Conan.

• 14:18Conan O'Brien?

  I know you're going through some stuff right now and I know your father just passed.

• 14:24Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 14:25Conan O'Brien?

  Which is bizarre because I just went through this with my parents at the, in December. Both of them went at the same time, like it was a suicide pact. Which it was not. But it just sounded suspicious in the press, like my dad went and then my mom went two days later and it just sounds like, okay, this is a murder, you know? But it wasn't.

• 14:47Speaker 04

  Pillow.

• 14:47Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 14:48Speaker 04

  For mom.

• 14:49Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, exactly. But no, uh, so we were chatting a little bit out in the hall and I said, we don't need to talk about this, but it might be good to talk about because I just went through it. I'm, it's so fresh in my mind, the different weird feelings that you feel. So if it helps you at all.

• 15:07Speaker 04

  Totally.

• 15:08Conan O'Brien?

  We can talk about it and then I'll charge you $350.

• 15:10Speaker 04

  Cool, great.

• 15:11Conan O'Brien?

  Cause that's the going rate.

• 15:15Speaker 04

  Yeah, so I like pop my Prozac right before.

• 15:19Conan O'Brien?

  I did recognize that pill.

• 15:21Speaker 04

  Yeah. Big fan, by the way.

• 15:23Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, man. Hey, keep that Prozac coming.

• 15:25Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 15:25Conan O'Brien?

  You guys are doing amazing work.

• 15:26Speaker 03

  We have a bowl of it here.

• 15:28Speaker 04

  The Coca-Cola, the original.

• 15:32Conan O'Brien?

  Interestingly, I don't know if you remember this, but I met your dad.

• 15:35Speaker 04

  I do remember that.

• 15:36Conan O'Brien?

  And I had a very long chat with your father. It was at a party, I believe, here in Los Angeles. And you came in afterwards and said, what were you just, what were you doing? And I said, oh, me and your dad were just talking, and we talked for a really long time. And you looked aghast, like, oh, my God, what did he do? What did my father say? But I remembered, I remember him very fondly.

• 15:59Speaker 04

  That's really nice. Thanks, Conan. Yeah, he was a very funny man, very strange man. It's wild. It's wild, the whole thing. And I actually kind of wish I brought him around to more parties and more things because people had good experiences with him. But, yeah, it's weird. My mom died when I was 13, so I feel, as you do, but it's very fresh for you, like, you feel like an orphan, even though you're old. And, not you, you're very young.

• 16:29Speaker 04

  Speaking for myself.

• 16:31Conan O'Brien?

  I know what you're saying, because Sona came, when my parents passed, Sona and a couple of the other people, not you, Eduardo, came out, because he had better things to do. No, right, there was a big game that night. No, it was in Boston, and I didn't expect anyone to come. And so some of the people who I work with flew to Boston to be there, which meant, which was very nice. It was so funny, because I wanted, I just wanted to make Sona laugh. And so Sona came up to me at some point, and remember, I was just going like, "I'm an orphan."

• 17:04Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 17:04Conan O'Brien?

  And, but playing it up for sympathy when I'm a 61-year-old

• 17:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 17:09Conan O'Brien?

  white guy.

• 17:10Speaker 04

  A lot of little orphan Annie gifts in the text messages.

• 17:14Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, but it was just absurd. I kept saying like, "I don't know where I'm gonna sleep tonight." Yeah, you're gonna sleep at the Four Seasons Hotel, you fucker. You know, I just, I did feel the same kind of thing, which was just, "Oh, I guess I'm an orphan, but I don't get to walk around with a big 1920s cap."

• 17:32Speaker 04

  Well.

• 17:33Conan O'Brien?

  See, this is why I love Lizzie.

• 17:35Speaker 04

  You know?

• 17:36Conan O'Brien?

  She's giving me permission.

• 17:37Speaker 04

  Don't limit yourself.

• 17:38Speaker 02

  You two of you should hop a boxcar.

• 17:40Conan O'Brien?

  We should.

• 17:41Speaker 02

  As orphans.

• 17:41Conan O'Brien?

  We should walk along together. Two scruffy orphans.

• 17:44Speaker 04

  Two scruffy orphans in the Four Seasons.

• 17:46Conan O'Brien?

  It's like, wait a minute, that looks like Lizzie Kaplan and Conan O'Brien. And there's an SUV following them, like 15 feet behind in case they need anything. So, anyway.

• 17:57Speaker 04

  But, yes, I do, I mean, I, I don't, I couldn't even begin to wrap my head around your version of it, which is like the one-two punch. But I do think there's something, which you will never know, but there's something really kind about it happening that way, that you didn't have to have like the five years of looking after your mom without your dad. And that would have been brutal. That's just a good chapter that nobody really needs. But, yeah, I, I just kept thinking like my, so my mom died, it was awful.

• 18:28Conan O'Brien?

  And also, you were 13, which is...

• 18:30Speaker 04

  I was 13, which is crazy.

• 18:32Conan O'Brien?

  Everyone thinks, oh, it would be the worst if you were two or three. And I've read some about this and it's, no, if you're, it's apparently the worst time is if you're a teenager. That's when it can impact you the most.

• 18:43Speaker 04

  Can confirm. It was horrible. And then like every funeral after that, never felt as bad, you know? Like a grandparent would die or it just never, it never hit his heart, obviously. And then my dad, I just assumed he was 80, he was not well. It wasn't that surprising, even though it kind of was in the, in the moment. But I was so, so, so fucked up over it, obviously. But I realized like, it doesn't even matter if you're 13, if you're, it's your parent. Your parents loom so large, whatever your relationship is. And we had a good relationship, but even if you're not speaking to your parent, if they died, like that's gonna, you're, like, it's coming for you, Conan.

• 19:25Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 19:25Speaker 04

  It's gonna, it's gonna get you bad, probably after the Oscars.

• 19:30Conan O'Brien?

  I don't feel things. I think we have to get through the Soul Train Awards and then... We had Werner, the great Werner Herzog was here. He's helping us out with something in a really lovely way. But he was here and he's always been very nice to me and he said, he had heard the news and he said, Conan, you only have, and he said in that Werner Herzog voice, one mother and one father. I don't know why that's coming out Irish. What the fuck happened? How did he do it? Someone help me out here. I gotta access him.

• 19:56Speaker 02

  One mother and one father.

• 19:58Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's good.

• 19:59Conan O'Brien?

  There you go. Thank you. I don't know why I went to the leprechaun.

• 20:02Speaker 02

  One mother and one father.

• 20:03Conan O'Brien?

  I don't fucking know. Oh, but you still got Lucky Charms. No, he's like, you have one mother, one father. And I just was, I was, it's like, this is not helping.

• 20:14Speaker 02

  I suppose it was coming from him.

• 20:15Conan O'Brien?

  Coming from him. And he said, and there is no afterlife. They've descended into a void of meaningless madness and chaos. Thanks Werner.

• 20:27Speaker 02

  Can I say something very quickly? He was here and obviously we all love him and Matty always sets out a basket of snacks and stuff. And so he was standing, talking to you and some other people. And before he left, he's like, and now it is time for me to leave, but first, a little treat. And he went over and grabbed like a little thing and took it with him. It was amazing.

• 20:47Speaker 04

  He narrates his regular life like that?

• 20:50Speaker 02

  A little treat.

• 20:52Conan O'Brien?

  And then I will descend again into chaos and madness. Anyway, yeah, it is, you're still going through it. And then what's strange is the expectation other people have for you, which is you just, you feel what you feel. And I'm, I don't know if it's an Irish quality or what, but I just sort of get through things. And so I've had people that have said, you just must be devastated. And I think, I don't know. I don't know what I'm feeling. I know that I've, and then I noticed that I had put my watch on upside down and backwards.

• 21:26Speaker 02

  You're trying to reverse time.

• 21:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, exactly. I don't know what I was doing, but like my belt was on wrong. I was telling everyone, oh, no, no, these things, well, they lived a long life and I think they enjoyed themselves and all was well. And they went peacefully and quietly. And people would say, you just put your pants on over your head. And poured gravy into the bathtub. What are you doing?

• 21:45Speaker 04

  Yeah. But, yeah, I don't, I don't, I, I guess it's like it's impossible for me not to just be making constant comparisons to when my mom passed away. And I had no skills, no tools, no, I mean, I had support, but like 13 year old friends support, which is not amazing for that situation, like as hard as they all tried. I just, it was, there were so many years of it just being so, so, so hard. And now I realize like, oh, I do actually have support and a therapist and, brosack. And, you know, like a great, like I will be okay. I ended up being okay the last time against the odds because that was crazy.

• 22:28Speaker 04

  I just like, I definitely am processing it in a much healthier way. I'm letting myself be sad, but that's not, that was not easy for me to do as a kid. As a kid, it was just like exactly what you're saying, like keeping it moving.

• 22:40Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 22:40Speaker 04

  Armor, armor, armor. And now it's better, it's better for it to happen now and in this way. But like, it's fucking crazy. It's just crazy. I'm so, I guess I'm just so sad about it, which feels healthy. I'll take that over angry and confused.

• 22:58Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 22:58Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 22:58Conan O'Brien?

  Right. That's a gift to be able to feel sad.

• 23:01Speaker 04

  Yeah. Um. Let me tell you.

• 23:02Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 23:02Speaker 04

  You should try it.

• 23:04Conan O'Brien?

  Please, there's no time. Now, mattress firm.

• 23:08Speaker 04

  Oh, no.

• 23:11Conan O'Brien?

  Don't be the villain in your, oh, sorry, we'll do that later.

• 23:14Speaker 04

  Oh, my god.

• 23:14Conan O'Brien?

  Do you, I even remember the tagline from that stupid, uh, not stupid, terrific mattress.

• 23:26Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 23:29Speaker 04

  Yeah, I love awards.

• 23:30Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen, you know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 23:44Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 23:44Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from U.S. News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 23:53Speaker 01

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 23:57Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5 N, which I love.

• 24:01Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 24:01Conan O'Brien?

  Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 24:16Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 24:17Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space. With available, I have this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA-estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty. It's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality innovation technology and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View U.S. News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 24:51Conan O'Brien?

  Who do you shop for first on the holidays, Sona? Was it, do you shop for the kids or do you shop for Tac?

• 24:55Speaker 01

  My kids.

• 24:56Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 24:56Speaker 01

  Or Oki, or my dog.

• 24:58Conan O'Brien?

  And then your husband is last. Well, guess what? It's that time of year. You feel that, you smell that, that cinnamon cider in the air? Do you smell that?

• 25:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:08Conan O'Brien?

  And you see pumpkins around, people buying turkeys. A little early to buy a turkey. Doesn't matter. Holidays, I would say it's just around the corner, but that's a cliche. It's very nearby in the cupboard. Well, guess what? Amazon delivers joy with low prices on the gifts you want, even this early in the season. So get ahead of the season. Shop early gifts, top picks, holiday decor, and advent calendars at low prices. Get a head start on holiday gifting with Amazon's low prices. Shop now at amazon.com/holiday.

• 25:44Conan O'Brien?

  Now Sona, clearly I'm a very important person to you.

• 25:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:47Conan O'Brien?

  Just accept the premise and we'll move ahead.

• 25:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 25:49Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a very important person to you. What would you get me from Macy's for the holidays?

• 25:55Speaker 01

  A vase.

• 25:56Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't want a vase. I want something better.

• 25:59Speaker 01

  A jacket.

• 26:00Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, nice jacket. I love a nice jacket.

• 26:02Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, that jacket. Nice jacket.

• 26:03Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, so now you have to do it because you said you would.

• 26:04Speaker 01

  Aw man, I didn't know you were doing that.

• 26:06Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I know the holidays, I know the holidays are months away, but it's never too early, Sona, to find gifts that I will love, gifts I will wear, and surprises that make the season unforgettable for me.

• 26:18Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 26:19Conan O'Brien?

  Macy's Gift Guide makes holiday shopping easy with beauty favorites, stylish fashion, jewelry, cozy essentials, must-have toys, home upgrades, and picks for every person on your list. Coach handbags, Breville appliances, Lego UG, and more all in one place. You can skip the scrolling and shop with confidence. Shop now in-store or online at macy's.com/giftguide.

• 26:47Conan O'Brien?

  Lizzie, you've described yourself as, and I can see it, that you were a tough kid. Was that before your mom passed? Is that your nature, or was it because your mom passed at such an early age that you were a tough kid? And how were you a tough kid?

• 27:00Speaker 04

  Uh, it may have been in there somewhere, but no, it was, it was after my mom thing. I look at 13-year-old kids now, and they look like tiny babies. I just remember, like, my dad sent me to a therapist once. It was a group therapist, and it was a bunch of other kids who had lost a parent. And you had to, you had to, like, hold a talking stick to talk about the, and I went to it once, and I was like, this is bullshit. I hate it. I'm fine. And I guess convinced them, my dad and my aunts or whatever, like, I don't need to do this. I'm okay. And they believed me. And then they, like, never sent me back to anything like that or worried about me.

• 27:37Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 27:37Speaker 04

  Again. I don't know how anybody was, like, convinced by a 13-year-old saying that she's fine when this happens, but I think nobody else was fine in my family. So everybody was just kind of picking up the pieces.

• 27:49Conan O'Brien?

  So you were not a great target for... Or say bullies, like you would have chewed them up and spit them out. Or were you the bully?

• 27:57Speaker 04

  I mean, I was, I, I don't think I was the bully. Is that what bullies say?

• 28:01Conan O'Brien?

  Well, we actually have some friends here. Come on in, guys.

• 28:05Speaker 04

  Stephanie from second.

• 28:08Speaker 04

  No, I, I wasn't a bully. I've had the same friends since then, since before then, and they're still my closest friends now. And my dad was like that too, and my mom. That was a big thing in our family, without it being like a lesson that was explicitly taught, like, you just keep your friends. But yeah, nobody like fucked with me. I guess I was tough. I was angry, but I thought it was, that was a toughness thing.

• 28:34Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 28:35Speaker 04

  And I tried to be funny. And it was just like this, oh. I remember when I was 13, like the height of humor was the retort, your mom. So I just remember like saying something, somebody would say, your mom.

• 28:56Speaker 04

  And just like immediately the look on their face like, oh God, I said, oh God. And she, and so I would just go to like trying to make everybody else feel

• 29:03Conan O'Brien?

  Of course.

• 29:04Speaker 04

  Less uncomfortable. And I lived in that way of being for a really long time. And now I don't care if people are uncomfortable, which feels like a win. But I didn't have that as a kid at all. Yeah.

• 29:17Conan O'Brien?

  That's a great superpower to care less about what other people think.

• 29:21Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's like, that's just like age, honestly.

• 29:24Conan O'Brien?

  I think age helps and I know you and I are similar in this way. I have a social media presence, but I am not on social media. Meaning, you know, through Team Coco and all of our different subsidiary enterprises. We will post things and, and if something's gonna go out under my name, I will craft it or approve it. But the last thing I would ever do in the world is type my name into the web and see what people are thinking. Or just live in that world because I think it is pure madness. I think, and, and as our friend Werner would say, chaos.

• 30:06Speaker 04

  Chaos and darkness.

• 30:07Conan O'Brien?

  And darkness.

• 30:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 30:08Conan O'Brien?

  It's so damaging.

• 30:09Speaker 04

  It's horrible, and I'm sure that it's like been an impediment to professional things for me, but I don't care.

• 30:17Conan O'Brien?

  Why? Why would you say that?

• 30:18Speaker 04

  I ju- I mean, I'm really-

• 30:20Conan O'Brien?

  Because you think you're supposed to like be every day saying, this is, this is the chia seed pudding that Lizzie had today.

• 30:26Speaker 04

  I can't do it. It's so-

• 30:27Conan O'Brien?

  You're going to do it. We brought out some chia seed pudding. And we're gonna Instagram it right now.

• 30:33Speaker 04

  I don't, I don't know how to do it. I feel like a dinosaur for not doing it. I was like right on the cusp. Now, anybody younger than me, I think like it's mandatory. They tried to tell me it was mandatory to, to be on this stuff. And I just fought it and really was like, this whole social media thing's really gonna blow over. This internet, I don't think is gonna stick around. And now I do sometimes think like, oh, I probably should be playing that game a little bit more. But I just can't do it. I hate it. It's embarrassing. The amount of times you have to like divorce your feelings about your friend who you know and love in person, and then their social media persona, then some people like, I just can't, I like can't reconcile those two things anymore.

• 31:18Speaker 04

  And I, it's like an illness. It's weird. The narcissism, it's made everything fucking worse. Like, let's be real. It's made everything worse. I'm hoping, because our kids are the same age, I think.

• 31:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, like around three and a half.

• 31:31Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 31:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:32Speaker 04

  I think, I'm praying that it like isn't as omnipresent for the, but I don't know. I don't, I really don't know. I see it. I'm staying with some friends now. I've known their daughter her whole life. She's amazing. Uh, she's 13. She goes to private school in Los Angeles. And it's like, it is a fight to not give this girl a phone and access to this stuff.

• 31:52Conan O'Brien?

  That's a big question is when they get the phone. It was a big question for us.

• 31:55Speaker 04

  Yeah, because your kids are the age, like, this is like the beta testing generation on this stuff. And now we see like, oh, it's bad. But as a parent, like, I get why it's difficult. I get why you don't want to be the one being like, hey, you're, you're gonna be the one kid who doesn't have this, and that's gonna make you weird and an outsider. And but it's so bad. It's so bad.

• 32:16Conan O'Brien?

  There's and then there are questions the other way, which is it can be a safety thing at a certain age. That if they have a phone, they can call you. And so it was a big debate. We wrestled with it a lot.

• 32:25Speaker 04

  What'd you do?

• 32:26Conan O'Brien?

  We had the phones implanted in utero.

• 32:29Speaker 04

  Oh, boy.

• 32:30Conan O'Brien?

  So when my daughter was born, she came out with 700 likes.

• 32:33Speaker 04

  Wow, that's really good, though.

• 32:36Conan O'Brien?

  No, I remember us getting in. We did pretty well. I'm Liza would know the exact age because I was probably looking in a mirror and thinking about my career.

• 32:48Conan O'Brien?

  When this decision was finally made.

• 32:50Speaker 02

  Your social media, the mirror.

• 32:51Conan O'Brien?

  My social media is the mirror. Look at that jawline. If only those eyes were a little bigger and they popped on screen. Conan, I need help with the children. Quiet! That eye vein has held me back.

• 33:04Speaker 04

  Trolling yourself.

• 33:05Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 33:07Speaker 04

  You're your biggest troll.

• 33:08Conan O'Brien?

  You suck. It doesn't add up to me that you would feel you needed to do anything like that. Oh, I need to increase my social media presence, or I have to do this or do that, because you're so talented. And well, no, I'm saying I'm serious. You're so.

• 33:24Speaker 04

  But really.

• 33:25Conan O'Brien?

  No, I'm serious. You have such. I don't see how. Do you guys see what I'm saying? I don't see how anything you're doing is enhanced by, and this is how I make a Cobb salad.

• 33:35Speaker 04

  Right.

• 33:35Conan O'Brien?

  I don't think.

• 33:36Speaker 04

  I fundamentally agree with that. And I guess that's kind of like the main takeaway is people aren't paying attention to you that much. So anybody, people are paying attention to you all the time, Conan.

• 33:47Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, I am. You know, I looked into it. I am the exception to that rule.

• 33:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, you are.

• 33:50Conan O'Brien?

  When people say no one's thinking about you.

• 33:52Speaker 04

  Except you.

• 33:53Conan O'Brien?

  It's because they're thinking of Conan.

• 33:56Conan O'Brien?

  But no, no, I.

• 33:57Speaker 04

  Yeah, they're not. And so like they think, you know, I look at some of my friends who are, or myself, and I think like, oh, I should be, I wish I did this job or did like two more jobs during this period of time. And the reality is like, people assume you're working. They assume you're busy. Nobody needs to know about like those fallow periods. And the reason why people are even thinking about it is because you feel the need to just like chime in with your opinions every single day. Or like what set you're on every set. I just don't. Yep. It's a real disconnect for me. Like, why do we all have to like log our fucking opinions about everything all the time? Like, it's our job. And you see, you know, like on message boards or whatever. Sometimes I'll look at the Daily Mail.

• 34:40Speaker 04

  Oh, God, the Daily Mail. It's so bleak. And the comments, like, it doesn't even matter. You know exactly what people are gonna say. Like, they're gonna judge this person on her appearance, or her decision, or something she did 10 years ago. And it's, it's like these people think that it's now part of, it's their job now to sit down and like, do their part of this equation, which is like, log in their opinion about what a piece of shit this person is. And I just think, like, who are these people? I know we always think, like, okay, they're in their mother's basements or whatever, but they're probably not. They're probably like, living out in the world, and yet they take time out of every day to like, sit down and, let you know how they feel about Britney Spears's dancing. Like, who, what? Why are you weighing in on this?

• 35:22Speaker 04

  And, I mean, I actually, I realize I'm sort of like, talking in circles right now. I feel like I have fairly insightful things to say about this, not today. But I do, I do think, like, how can you not connect these dots? That, like, the lack of community, like, people's quality of life just being shittier. Everybody's isolated. People are fully okay living in this kind of like alternate reality, where it's your opinions, and the more fiery your opinions are, the more people pay attention. Yeah, the more clicks, yeah. But like, it's just create, look at where we are. The world is like, it, look at where we are. It's Trump. What the fuck? Like, does Trump exist without any of this stuff?

• 36:02Speaker 04

  Like, I don't, I don't think so. And beyond that, we're just, people are sad. Kids are sad. Everybody feels isolated. And there's no, I, I think we're in a weird position too, because yes, it is fully incorporated into our lives. We're, we're young enough that like, we had phones from a young enough age that it's like, woven into the fabric of our beings, but we had childhoods that weren't. Yep. And now they don't have that. I don't know what that looks like in the future, other than more like really lazy Gen Z. People who don't know what a good, a hard day's work looks like. Which I find myself saying all the time. So it's like how.

• 36:40Conan O'Brien?

  You just sprouted a bonnet.

• 36:41Speaker 04

  I know, I am like so, Tom, my husband really makes fun of me a lot because I am like a dinosaur about this. And look, I get left behind in this scenario. Like, I don't think the internet's gonna stop because it's making us sad.

• 36:55Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I always go back to, you just have to, you know, I don't know if I'm quoting Jersey Shore here, but you do you. Is that, I'm sorry.

• 37:03Speaker 01

  No, that's Werner Herzog as well.

• 37:05Conan O'Brien?

  No, this is different. You do, you do you in the chaos of the eternal void.

• 37:11Speaker 01

  Jim Tan laundry.

• 37:12Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's just like.

• 37:14Speaker 04

  In the Werner Herzog place.

• 37:16Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Werner Herzog was in, he was in one season, he was in one season of Jersey Shore where he told them all that they were in a void. But, but Lizzie, I always go back to who are my people? It's like my wife, my kids, for you, you know, Tom, it's Alfie. And who are my friends? And then what is my work that I do? I just always keep pulling myself back to that and saying, and then try to have empathy, which is working a muscle. You can't just say I have empathy. You just have to keep going at it.

• 37:51Speaker 04

  But that's hard to do, like for your job, that's really hard to do. I mean, talk shows are usually very mean and you're very nice.

• 38:00Conan O'Brien?

  See, that's how I.

• 38:02Speaker 04

  The pleasant nicest person.

• 38:03Conan O'Brien?

  Guys, guys, neither of you has the talking stick.

• 38:06Speaker 04

  Dolly Parton.

• 38:07Speaker 01

  We have microphones. Yeah, you put microphones in front of our faces.

• 38:10Conan O'Brien?

  We've gotta do this talking stick thing here. I intuitively fight against the bleakness, which gets harder and harder and harder with all the issues that come up. And, but if I didn't have kids, I would retreat into, well, my life went pretty well. And, you know, I exist, the earth does seem to be getting warmer, but I'll be gone before that's too much of a problem. I mean, I would have the capacity maybe to think that way. I would hope that I wouldn't, but I would have the capacity to, but when you have kids, as you know. You're invested in, oh, okay.

• 38:45Speaker 04

  The future.

• 38:45Conan O'Brien?

  We need to figure out how to fix this.

• 38:48Speaker 04

  I know, ugh, I know. They're like the greatest balm of all time and also.

• 38:52Conan O'Brien?

  But also, right now, going through what you're going through with the loss of your dad, I found, and I know that Sona's been through so much lately. Lost her home in the end, but I remember talking to you right after you lost your house in the fire, and you were saying like, I've got these Mikey and Charlie, and they need me present. They were kind of saving your ass because.

• 39:16Speaker 04

  Definitely.

• 39:17Conan O'Brien?

  You can't say to them, Mama's gonna just be depressed and weirded out for two years. I'll see you then.

• 39:23Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not gonna be like, I'm in a bed just crying all day. So, you know, and then they're ready to continue on, and so you're ready to continue on. Absolutely. It's like the best medicine. It really is, and it like gets you out of it. Totally. They're like little Prozac. Yeah, they are. Sweet, sweet Prozac. But yeah, it's amazing. Even if you're in a bad mood, like a normal bad mood, and you go in and see your kids, like unless you wanna have them, you know, when they're talking to their therapist or writing their memoir later, be like, "Mother was sad all the time. She took, she took it all out on me. She would kick the dishwasher and then ignore me for two days." Like, we're not gonna do that. We're like, not those people.

• 40:05Speaker 04

  My, my best friend lives in Alceina. I'm so sorry you lost her. That's like unbelievable. And watching her, she has a six-year-old, and their house did not burn down. But they're totally displaced, and they have to live in the back house of a friend from school's. And like, it's actually turning out to be kind of a great situation for now. But what, if she didn't have this little girl to like get to school and not be a husk of a human, like, I don't, I don't know. Yeah. I realize now, because I, I mean, I had my kid kind of late, like, how much time you just spend like wallowing in your own shit, and then you don't get to do that anymore,

• 40:47Speaker 04

  and that like rips you out of it. It's a, it's a wonderful thing. Is this the funniest?

• 40:52Conan O'Brien?

  Episode of this podcast. Am I wrong that I love this episode? Yeah, me too. I mean, Eduardo is the line, you're the line judge on these things, but.

• 41:02Speaker 03

  This is right up my alley.

• 41:03Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, no, because like this is, you know, excuse us for having a conversation. Chuckles over here. I know. This is the life of the party these days. No, no, but what I'm, this is, I don't know, it's making me feel a lot better.

• 41:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, it is kind of therapeutic.

• 41:19Conan O'Brien?

  It's really therapeutic.

• 41:21Speaker 01

  I think everything feels very heavy right now.

• 41:23Conan O'Brien?

  For sure.

• 41:23Speaker 01

  Even if you're not going through something, things just feel really heavy. It's okay to talk about it.

• 41:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 41:28Speaker 01

  You know?

• 41:29Speaker 04

  Agreed. I think you, I think you have to. And it is like absorbing the, because I'm from LA, I just moved. Like, we sold our house in December and gave the keys to the new owners on January 24th. So like right after the fires. And we were supposed to come back and pack up the house that we've lived in for 11 years and say goodbye to the house and have all these people over.

• 41:53Conan O'Brien?

  Where are you moving to?

• 41:54Speaker 04

  New York, baby.

• 41:56Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, all right, all right.

• 41:57Speaker 04

  Yeah, that just happened. And like take Alfie to Disneyland and do all this shit and we couldn't come back because of the fires. And being in New York and watching it, I have, this is my hometown, but I've like talked so much shit about LA and what it means and how it's changed and how it's gotten worse. And I'm sensing a theme in my overall personality.

• 42:21Conan O'Brien?

  Do you have more Prozac?

• 42:22Speaker 04

  Yeah, right, I gotta up it to 20 milligrams. Also, Prozac is new and we'll recommend, really, like.

• 42:31Conan O'Brien?

  We can do an ad for them.

• 42:32Speaker 04

  I would, I mean, I'm like, obviously loud and proud about it, maybe I'll regret this part of it.

• 42:37Conan O'Brien?

  No, no.

• 42:37Speaker 04

  But, uh, yeah, so watching it from afar was really strange. And seeing like my hometown go through this, I felt like this groundswell of love for LA, which hasn't gone away. I think this city is amazing. I think Altadena specifically is amazing, like what they're doing. And that was like the LA, I didn't grow up in Altadena, but I grew up like in the Miracle Mile and it was much more. That vibe than let's say the Palisades vibe, which is its own unimaginable, like, I don't even know, tragedy. But there's something about like the Angelinos who are from here, who aren't in the business, who just like have regular jobs, regular families, and like you're just doing it in LA. Like, that was my upbringing, and I have so much love for this city.

• 43:22Speaker 04

  And it was really horrible to be away because all of us, like in New York, who are from LA, kind of huddled together. Um, because you'd go into, you know, when it was like actively happening or just kind of starting. And I went to get my haircut. The guy's like, how you doing? Ah, haha. And I'm like, well, not great. Like, LA's on fire. He's like, oh, yeah. You know, when you're not from LA, you don't live there, it's just like, LA has fires. It's just like another thing that's happening somewhere else. And when it's your home, it's, it's crazy. And so like, like, my dad, obviously, passing away was brutal. And then I've stuck around for these couple of weeks and feeling the sadness of LA has been really intense. But also, everyone in New York's like, it reminds us of nine 11.

• 44:05Speaker 04

  Like, people are really coming together and building each other up. And like, the community, that was the main kind of complaints I had about LA. Like, there's no community, and there so is. And I feel like an asshole for saying that.

• 44:16Conan O'Brien?

  I, uh, lived in New York when, uh, during nine 11. And one of my clearest memories is going out to dinner and you, the, the waitress would come over. The wait person would come over and say, you know, um, would you guys like to start off with some drinks? Or, you know, and we'd say, well, how are you? And then the person would end up sitting down at the table and we would all chat. And I remember thinking, this is this weird, um, Eden that we're all living in, where all the old societal norms have gone out the window and people are really talking to each other. And if the bartender, you ask the bartender, you ask whoever's, uh, you ask the person in the store, how are you? Uh, where do you live? How are you doing?

• 45:01Conan O'Brien?

  And that happened in New York City, and then I remembered it going away. Like, it's like, that's hu- humanity just has this way of, if you hit a human being over the head with a big stick, he behaves himself for like six hours and then goes back to being whatever he was before. And I know that this too shall pass, but it is, you do, it's lovely while it's happening. And I'm noticing, I just keep having these great conversations with, um, I think I mentioned this, but there was- Had to go to Sundance for something and I, there was a woman who was driving me to the event in Utah, uh, from Salt Lake to, to Sundance and started chatting with her and it turned out she lived in LA and I said, well, how's your place? And she said, well,

• 45:45Conan O'Brien?

  my place burned to the ground. And she's driving me.

• 45:47Speaker 01

  Crazy.

• 45:48Conan O'Brien?

  And we just had this intense conversation and I thought, well, this is kind of what it's supposed to be all the time.

• 45:55Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 45:55Conan O'Brien?

  Which is, how are you? What's going on in your life? Not to drive me, driver?

• 45:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:59Conan O'Brien?

  Where are the Tic Tacs? Um, which is what I reverted to by the end of the drive.

• 46:05Speaker 01

  Oh, you got back there.

• 46:06Conan O'Brien?

  Enough of your whining.

• 46:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, your house. Where are my Tic Tacs?

• 46:11Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, he's a spearmint. I wanted the fruity kind.

• 46:15Speaker 02

  Sorry they burned in the fire, sir.

• 46:17Conan O'Brien?

  That's no excuse.

• 46:18Speaker 02

  Oh my god.

• 46:19Conan O'Brien?

  A burnt Tic Tac's the best one. Um, yeah, I, so it's, it's just perspective and empathy and all that kind of stuff isn't something you attain. It is a practice and it goes away and we all find ourselves drifting away from it and then something happens and we get pulled back into it.

• 46:38Speaker 04

  Yeah, I wonder, I mean, I, have you felt, cause I'm nervous about that, just like how everybody was like showing up and flooding the GoFundMes or whatever and I, like, like you're saying, like everything, people move on to the next thing eventually. This is gonna be a long recovery.

• 46:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:54Speaker 04

  Do you feel that it's still as intense?

• 46:57Speaker 01

  No.

• 46:58Speaker 04

  No.

• 46:58Speaker 01

  No, I don't. I, I mean, I even asked if I would still get a discount somewhere and they're like, oh, we stopped doing that a week ago.

• 47:05Conan O'Brien?

  That was really the sign because when it first happened, you would walk into a store and, and, and

• 47:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:11Conan O'Brien?

  Tell people that you had lost your home and they would give you this discount.

• 47:14Speaker 01

  A 20% discount.

• 47:15Conan O'Brien?

  How long did that last? Was that three weeks?

• 47:17Speaker 01

  That was like a few weeks and then, uh, I went into a store, I'm not gonna say which one, but I was like, hey, I, I lost my home in the fire. Do you guys have a discount? And they're like, oh, we stopped doing that a week ago.

• 47:27Speaker 02

  If anything, there's a surcharge.

• 47:29Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 47:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know. I know.

• 47:30Conan O'Brien?

  The sad thing is when it was a 99 cent store.

• 47:32Speaker 01

  I know.

• 47:35Conan O'Brien?

  I want this scrunchy. Do you have a discount, ma'am?

• 47:39Speaker 01

  I know.

• 47:39Conan O'Brien?

  It's 50 cents.

• 47:41Speaker 01

  I, I think that there's still people, I mean, there's still the empathy there, it's still there. There's still some feeling of it, but it is waning a lot. It is very quick, how quickly people kind of just move on.

• 47:52Conan O'Brien?

  To be fair, I would often go to a McDonald's and tell them, or a Cheesecake Factory and tell them I had lost my home in a fire, even when I hadn't.

• 48:00Speaker 01

  But you did it, you're taking my discount.

• 48:03Conan O'Brien?

  I know.

• 48:03Speaker 01

  Aw, man.

• 48:04Conan O'Brien?

  And they would be like, that sounds terrible. And I'd say, so this McFlurry.

• 48:09Conan O'Brien?

  What are we talking about here? Can I get 80 cent on, on the dollar? And I'd, sometimes I'd put a little ash on my cheek.

• 48:15Speaker 01

  No!

• 48:16Conan O'Brien?

  I did!

• 48:17Speaker 01

  What?

• 48:17Conan O'Brien?

  I'm just telling you the real me. I kept, always keep a little ash in your pocket. You can get a discount.

• 48:24Speaker 01

  It's not like I had ash ever on my face.

• 48:27Conan O'Brien?

  Well, you fucked up.

• 48:28Speaker 01

  You're not still okay.

• 48:29Conan O'Brien?

  You'd be having a, you'd be having a discount McFlurry right now. She had a little ash in your pocket.

• 48:35Speaker 01

  Why didn't you work up your orphan angle?

• 48:37Conan O'Brien?

  I tried that, yeah. There seems to be this consensus that I'm too old.

• 48:41Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 48:42Conan O'Brien?

  Which I don't get, because I think I'm very well preserved for a man my age. Ah, gee, I lost my parents.

• 48:50Conan O'Brien?

  Do you have any soup? Sir, I saw you drive up in a Porsche. Yeah, banana. I'm cash poor.

• 48:59Conan O'Brien?

  Asset rich. I have a lot too. I have a lot of land in Montana. And vast holdings, but I can't access them. Can I have some soup? All my money's tied up in holdings. It takes 24 hours to get the bank in Sweden to open up. All right, what's your name? Billy.

• 49:22Speaker 01

  You're changing your name?

• 49:24Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 49:25Speaker 01

  Billy does work better.

• 49:26Conan O'Brien?

  It was, it's a better name for me. What's the name you were thinking of naming your son, but didn't? Because Tom, Mickey, that's a good one. Mickey.

• 49:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:35Conan O'Brien?

  Mickey the orphan, Mickey the 61-year-old orphan.

• 49:39Speaker 01

  It counts.

• 49:40Conan O'Brien?

  Who's done quite well.

• 49:41Speaker 01

  It counts.

• 49:44Speaker 04

  It's so fucking dark.

• 49:47Speaker 01

  It really is.

• 49:48Conan O'Brien?

  I'm sorry, but my parents would laugh at it.

• 49:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 49:51Conan O'Brien?

  I can say that now because they're not here.

• 49:52Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 49:53Conan O'Brien?

  They would laugh at that. Like them in the afterlife. No, we wouldn't. Asshole. We never liked you. I am going to get back on track here.

• 50:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, take it back.

• 50:04Conan O'Brien?

  And I'm gonna get back on track to one of the things that makes me very happy for you.

• 50:11Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 50:11Conan O'Brien?

  Is that I think it is a wonderful era for people who have what it takes, have ability, and have a work ethic. And you have all those things and you're getting to do consistently this really cool work. You have this project now, Zero Day, and I was looking at the cast.

• 50:28Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 50:29Conan O'Brien?

  This is on Netflix. And I'm like, you know, I've had so many people sit in the chair that you're in, and people talk a lot about body dysmorphia and how people can think they look a certain way and they don't, and they hate on themselves. And I consistently believe that there's something called career dysmorphia that hasn't been diagnosed yet. Or, and I'd like to invent that and submit that to the New England Journal of Medicine. But I've had Al Pacino, Al Pacino sat in that chair and talked so much about the huge chunks of his career that didn't work out, and how they didn't want him for The Godfather, and how he couldn't get a job in movies in the late 80s and thought he was through,

• 51:09Conan O'Brien?

  and how he thinks, all the bad reviews people told him about. And I kept wanting to cut him off and saying, you're Al Pacino. You're the face of film for at least the 70s. You're, there's, you do iconic work in every decade. And you have it too? It's just so funny to me that you would talk about, oh, you know, the fallow periods, and maybe I could do more if I got the word out on my chia seed recipe. And you're in Zero Day on Netflix. Your co-stars are Robert De Niro, Angela Bassett, Connie Britton, Jesse Plemons, and...

• 51:46Speaker 04

  Matthew Modine.

• 51:47Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 51:48Speaker 04

  Dan Stevens. It's Gabby Hoffman. It's the craziest cast.

• 51:51Conan O'Brien?

  And it's the best work. Work I see now is limited series is is our cinema.

• 51:58Speaker 04

  And I I like limited series too. I like watching them and doing them. It just feels like a very long movie. I haven't seen Zero Day. My dad died. I don't know if we mentioned that. So I haven't watched the screeners, which is bad because I do want to watch it.

• 52:15Conan O'Brien?

  That's interesting. I'm I'm trying to picture you watch yourself.

• 52:19Speaker 04

  I hate it.

• 52:19Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I would imagine you would.

• 52:21Speaker 04

  I don't always hate it, but I I do want to watch this one because it's fairly dense and complex and I want to be able to like talk about it. It's topical, a little like eerily topical. It's I I hope people are in the mood to watch something that looks a lot like what's happening in reality, but it's kind of this like horror show version of it. Very smart people made this show, very smart people were in this show. And I don't know, it's ensemble enough that I think I could I could watch it without like hating the experience too much. But I think it's good. I mean, I I had a great time doing it. It was surreal. You oftentimes like the don't meet your heroes thing rings very, very true. It didn't on this.

• 53:05Conan O'Brien?

  That's nice.

• 53:06Speaker 04

  De Niro's like just a nice man. He's like a kind, generous man. I always think so Leslie Linka Glatter, who directed all the episodes and she did Homeland and she's she's the president of the DGA. She's like a badass incredible woman who's done a bunch of movies like she's she's wonderful. And she directed every episode and her vibe on set is she did one episode of Masters of Sex in the first season. And I wanted her to like be our all the time director, but she was doing Homeland, so she didn't. She maintains this on set energy that I don't even like it's six months. It's six months to shoot this. Robert De Niro has never done a television show. I believe he didn't know what he was getting into in terms of like

• 53:52Speaker 04

  the time, like how much time it takes and like the hours and he was in everything.

• 53:58Speaker 04

  But the first day of shooting on that, the crew is always in a good mood for everything on the first day. The last day, six months later, everybody was in as good of a mood. The vibes were so good. It was just like a job that felt important, but at the same time, right size in terms like in your real life, like you'd go to work and you'd go home and these people didn't need to be like your best friends and you didn't need it. It was just like. It felt very grown up, like adult, but also really fun.

• 54:26Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 54:27Speaker 04

  I don't know. It was great. It was a great experience. And we honestly, like during the strike, which was the last fun thing, just taking it back to like the doldrums again. We were supposed to start this June of last year, maybe? I don't know what year it is. Yeah, we were supposed to do like June to December, and that was the strike. And we ended up doing January to the next June. So it was a full year. And everybody stayed on board. Everybody was just as excited and we knew we got to like-

• 54:59Conan O'Brien?

  Which is rare, because usually that's when people say, you know,

• 55:02Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:02Conan O'Brien?

  I got this play I'm gonna go do in the West End.

• 55:05Speaker 04

  Yeah, there was nothing. It was, and even just having that moment of like, well, everybody else or so many other people were really stressed out about what they were gonna do and work and all of this, like knowing that Netflix is probably not gonna shelve the Robert De Niro series. Like, it just felt like we had a safety net at a time where there wasn't a lot of safety nets. And again, like if it's just the experience, which for me is truly the only part I like of this whole job, like it was a great experience and I think it's really good. And I think you should definitely watch it. America.

• 55:39Speaker 04

  So we can be, um-

• 55:40Conan O'Brien?

  Which camera are you looking to?

• 55:42Speaker 02

  The American camera.

• 55:43Speaker 04

  Hey, America.

• 55:45Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, that's China.

• 55:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:46Speaker 04

  Yeah. Let's just make it the number one show on Netflix till the next thing comes out on Netflix, America.

• 55:53Conan O'Brien?

  The last observation that I will make is, and I'm certain I'm right about this, as dire as things are right now, and this is my need to be optimistic, but I also think this is accurate. Let's say you could go back in time to what you would consider like the classic period of making entertainment, and it's like the 1930s, the 1940s. They would have watched you in Mean Girls, and they would have said, she's great, she's really funny. That's what she does, and that's what you would have done for the next 50 years of your career. And because we live in this different era, there's nothing you can't do in this era. Whereas they would have definitely put you in a slot.

• 56:31Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 56:31Conan O'Brien?

  And you would have been punished for being really good at one thing, and they never would have seen the other thing.

• 56:37Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 56:37Conan O'Brien?

  So, even if that means there's iPhones and other problems.

• 56:42Speaker 04

  Do you love Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos somewhere?

• 56:48Conan O'Brien?

  I just wanna say-

• 56:48Speaker 04

  That's what you're trying to say.

• 56:51Conan O'Brien?

  They have been on their yachts many times.

• 56:54Speaker 04

  I bet you have.

• 56:55Speaker 02

  You're a big yacht guy.

• 56:57Conan O'Brien?

  Big yacht guy.

• 56:57Speaker 04

  Yeah, big yacht.

• 56:58Conan O'Brien?

  I know my yachts.

• 57:00Speaker 02

  You got big yacht energy.

• 57:01Conan O'Brien?

  I am.

• 57:03Conan O'Brien?

  That's the only big energy I have. I have big yacht energy. No, I love a big yacht. I like being invited. I like being at the beck and call of a billionaire.

• 57:12Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 57:13Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and then when they say like, "Dance for us," I do a little something.

• 57:17Speaker 02

  That makes more sense.

• 57:17Conan O'Brien?

  And then I get a Krugerrand, a gold coin, in case anyone doesn't know what that is.

• 57:22Speaker 04

  I also think that even like, not in the 30s, like in recent times, they would typecast you and pigeonhole you. And now it's like only, it's very new to not have that happen, like in the past 20 years, maybe. People think, oh, you can do more than one thing.

• 57:37Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 57:37Speaker 04

  But a lot of people do find themselves like stuck in a lane and it sucks.

• 57:42Conan O'Brien?

  I'm stuck doing one thing because that's what I can do.

• 57:45Speaker 04

  That's not true, Conan. That's not true. I heard.

• 57:48Conan O'Brien?

  I, I'm, but I'm saying happily. I'm happily stuck in my lane.

• 57:51Speaker 04

  You're not stuck in a lane, though, because I just read that you were incredible in your Sundance movie. Okay.

• 57:58Conan O'Brien?

  As a male gigolo.

• 58:00Speaker 02

  This orphan thing is working for you.

• 58:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, that's how I got the part.

• 58:03Speaker 04

  Yeah. I'm an orphan. Yeah, I'm an orphan.

• 58:07Conan O'Brien?

  Why am I getting smaller and squeakier as an orphan? But, Lizzie, this was a lovely conversation.

• 58:14Speaker 04

  This is so surreal. I feel like we're just starting it.

• 58:17Conan O'Brien?

  No, but this was.

• 58:18Speaker 04

  There should have been more jokes.

• 58:20Conan O'Brien?

  You have dysmorphia.

• 58:21Speaker 04

  There should have been laughter.

• 58:23Conan O'Brien?

  Well, we're gonna put laughter over all the parts. When you talk about losing your dad, when you talk about losing your dad and I talk about losing my parents, we're just gonna pipe in laughter from the 1940s.

• 58:34Speaker 04

  That would be amazing. That would be.

• 58:36Conan O'Brien?

  I love Lucy laughs.

• 58:37Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 58:40Conan O'Brien?

  Nothing has changed. It's only, you've only today confirmed my feelings about you, Lizzie, which is you're one of my all-time favorite people. You are incredibly, hyper, insanely talented, and you're a real person, and every time I see you, you're Lizzie Kaplan, and you're very wise, and just a delight to be with you. Thank you very much. I'm gonna say it, Zero Day Netflix, if you're not watching it, you're stupid.

• 59:07Speaker 04

  Yeah, you're stupid.

• 59:09Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 59:09Speaker 04

  Don't be stupid. Watch Zero Day.

• 59:13Conan O'Brien?

  Come on, why isn't that gonna be the tagline?

• 59:15Speaker 04

  That is the tagline. I mean, De Niro's been saying that on everything.

• 59:25Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 59:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love awards.

• 59:29Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen, you know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 59:42Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 59:43Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 59:51Speaker 01

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 59:56Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5 N, which I love. Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 1:00:15Speaker 01

  Hello!

• 1:00:16Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space. With available, I had this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA-estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty. It's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View US News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 1:00:50Conan O'Brien?

  Ever invest in something that seemed incredible at first, but didn't live up to the hype?

• 1:00:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, like all the time.

• 1:00:56Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I did that with an all-potato restaurant.

• 1:00:58Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 1:01:02Conan O'Brien?

  Marketers know that feeling. They optimize for the numbers that look great, like impressions, but then they don't see revenue. You know what I'm talking about, don't you, Son?

• 1:01:11Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, all the time.

• 1:01:11Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, LinkedIn has a word for that: bullspend.

• 1:01:14Speaker 01

  Bullspend.

• 1:01:15Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, instead, you can get the highest ROAS of major ad networks with LinkedIn ads. Cut the bullspend.

• 1:01:23Conan O'Brien?

  Advertise on LinkedIn. Spend $250 and get a $250 credit. Go to LinkedIn.com/Conan. Terms apply.

• 1:01:35Conan O'Brien?

  Coca-Cola Zero Sugar is so good, it's almost impossible not to finish it before the meal arrives. It's just too good to wait. That happens to me sometimes. Me too. You can try rules like no sipping until the appetizer arrives, or you tell your friend, "Don't let me touch my glass." But every time you're staring at an empty glass. So if you've ever finished your Coke Zero before the first fry hits the table, you're among friends. It happens. Occupational hazard with Coke Zero. Yeah. Real Coca-Cola taste, zero sugar, too good to wait. Enjoy an ice cold Coca-Cola Zero Sugar today.

• 1:02:15Speaker 02

  Recently on the podcast, we talked about how you could mail into a comic book advertisement and get the Polaris nuclear submarine.

• 1:02:22Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, the only thing I'll add to that, this was many years ago. I don't think it's still true, but when I was a kid, probably around 1970, 71, on the back of a magazine, there were these things that you could, on the back of a comic book, there were things you could send away with. One of them famously was like X-ray specs. And it showed a guy, I mean, it's so not PC today, but a guy looking at a woman in a dress. And the idea was that you put these on, you can see through her dress. Oh, good. Yeah.

• 1:02:49Speaker 02

  How many of those did you buy?

• 1:02:50Conan O'Brien?

  700.

• 1:02:52Conan O'Brien?

  And they do work. Yeah. One of the things that really intrigued me was, give us, I don't know what it was.

• 1:02:58Speaker 02

  $7.

• 1:02:58Conan O'Brien?

  $7 and we'll send you a working mini Polaris sub that fires missiles. You can get inside. It has a periscope. Now, I never did it, but all these years later, it floats into my mind every now and then, what the hell was that thing? What did you? Because legally, if you send them $7, they have to send you something. And so we brought it up, and you remembered it too.

• 1:03:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, I did. And I remembered the hovercraft too. And they're distinctly two different things.

• 1:03:26Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 1:03:26Speaker 02

  So the submarine does send you a submarine.

• 1:03:31Conan O'Brien?

  What?

• 1:03:31Speaker 02

  But apparently it's been very hard for people to track down and I found the third point of singularity blog. It kinda, it looks like they went on a kind of hunt themselves.

• 1:03:40Conan O'Brien?

  Yep.

• 1:03:41Speaker 02

  And ultimately found it. It's the other tab, Eduardo, if you don't mind. And this is what you end up getting and it's like a cardboard submarine.

• 1:03:48Conan O'Brien?

  Oh my god, wait a minute. I swear to god, that kid looks like me.

• 1:03:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:03:52Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, that's what I looked like back in the day. He's got the same bowl haircut, the same um look of just uh defeat?

• 1:04:02Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:04:03Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, uh, no, I, I, but that, wait a minute. That, I have to say, looks more impressive than I thought.

• 1:04:10Speaker 02

  Really? Cause I see just cardboard that's kind of pinned together and certainly not gonna do well in the water.

• 1:04:16Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:04:17Conan O'Brien?

  Um, well.

• 1:04:17Speaker 01

  But isn't that nice? He's using his imagination. Isn't that the whole point?

• 1:04:21Conan O'Brien?

  Does it fire a?

• 1:04:22Speaker 01

  I guess not.

• 1:04:23Conan O'Brien?

  A missile?

• 1:04:23Speaker 01

  Okay, so, it's alright.

• 1:04:26Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, so I don't know. I was, this is, this is helping me. This is actually, this is therapeutic.

• 1:04:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:04:32Conan O'Brien?

  This is giving me some closure because that's something.

• 1:04:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:04:36Conan O'Brien?

  You get inside and it does close and it's got, I mean, seven bucks? I guess this is seven bucks back then. So now this would be the equivalent of like thirty-five dollars.

• 1:04:48Speaker 02

  That's true.

• 1:04:49Conan O'Brien?

  So, or fifty dollars. I don't know. Times have changed. It's so funny, he looks so far from water.

• 1:04:55Speaker 02

  I know. It's like, definitely Wisconsin.

• 1:04:58Conan O'Brien?

  He's in the Midwest. There isn't a body of water for eight hundred miles and he's like, see you later!

• 1:05:05Speaker 02

  For the listener, this looks like a cardboard submarine seated in the middle of a big lawn.

• 1:05:12Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and there's a fence way in the backyard and then power lines. All you can see is, is just lawn and no ocean.

• 1:05:21Speaker 01

  It's fun. So, how fun is that? Isn't that fun? If you're a little kid, you don't, you're not gonna go to the ocean and go in a submarine. That's, I used to make things out of boxes.

• 1:05:31Conan O'Brien?

  I used to too. I used to, if, if a big box came in, it was just a done deal that either Luke or I would get to build something with it. So I don't know, I'm, I'm, I am not disappointed by that.

• 1:05:42Speaker 01

  Me neither.

• 1:05:43Conan O'Brien?

  That actually looks like, looks better than I thought it was gonna look.

• 1:05:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, me too. I'm, I'm impressed.

• 1:05:49Conan O'Brien?

  This, this, I salute this company and I think this should have been used by the, uh, the military.

• 1:05:55Speaker 02

  The thing that I more remember was this hovercraft.

• 1:05:57Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 1:05:58Speaker 02

  When I said last time that I thought it was a kit, that's what the hovercraft is. You were supposed to take your motor out of your vacuum and build this hovercraft. So let's go to the other

• 1:06:06Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 1:06:06Speaker 02

  tab here.

• 1:06:07Conan O'Brien?

  This must have thrilled your parents.

• 1:06:08Speaker 02

  I know.

• 1:06:09Conan O'Brien?

  When they went to use the vacuum.

• 1:06:11Speaker 02

  Does this look familiar to you?

• 1:06:12Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 1:06:12Speaker 02

  Lifts 200 pounds.

• 1:06:13Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 1:06:16Speaker 02

  And then scroll down and you can see on this blog. Wait, go back up to see what this blog is named. Dwyer and Michaels.

• 1:06:21Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 1:06:22Speaker 02

  All right.

• 1:06:22Conan O'Brien?

  This guy actually built the vacuum. Okay, you can. And here's the order. Astronauts, iron on with with order. Okay, you can float on air free, lifts 200 pounds. So basically, yeah, a hovercraft you could build. I remember this.

• 1:06:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, now scroll down and you can see that the guy built it.

• 1:06:38Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, there's a bunch of other ads.

• 1:06:40Speaker 01

  Oh, boy.

• 1:06:40Speaker 02

  That's, that's it.

• 1:06:42Conan O'Brien?

  He's building it?

• 1:06:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:06:43Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, well, there you go.

• 1:06:44Speaker 02

  And then, yeah, play that video.

• 1:06:47Speaker 01

  What?

• 1:06:48Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I know this website. It's called Bad Use of Your Time.

• 1:06:54Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I was supposed to do dialysis today, but I figured I'll build this hovercraft from the 60s. I mean, and that's, that's kind of cool.

• 1:07:03Speaker 01

  Well, we can't get enough air from a vacuum. Oh.

• 1:07:06Conan O'Brien?

  Ah, got him, he wasn't looking.

• 1:07:07Speaker 02

  But no kid that's, you know,

• 1:07:10Conan O'Brien?

  No.

• 1:07:10Speaker 02

  eight-year-old kid is gonna be able to build that. I guess it's a nice project with your, you know, scout troop leader or your dad.

• 1:07:16Conan O'Brien?

  Um, big problem here is you have to take the motor out of your parents' vacuum cleaner.

• 1:07:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:07:22Conan O'Brien?

  And that was not gonna fly in my house.

• 1:07:24Speaker 02

  No kid from the 50s that took the motor out of their vacuum cleaner would get away unscathed.

• 1:07:28Speaker 01

  Also, how do you do that? How do you just take a motor out of a vacuum? Why do they think an eight-year-old would even know how to do that? Okay.

• 1:07:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:07:36Speaker 01

  That's fine. I'm asking the real question, but you guys are being nostalgic.

• 1:07:39Speaker 02

  Wait, no.

• 1:07:41Conan O'Brien?

  We're here with you.

• 1:07:42Speaker 02

  Don't throw me into this, Buzz.

• 1:07:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, just because we don't answer every one of your questions.

• 1:07:45Speaker 02

  I was practicing.

• 1:07:46Speaker 01

  So you stare at me confused and it makes-

• 1:07:48Conan O'Brien?

  I just don't know why I hired you. That's a look that goes back to-

• 1:07:51Speaker 01

  You don't have, shh, don't think about it, don't think about it.

• 1:07:54Conan O'Brien?

  2008 question.

• 1:07:56Speaker 01

  We don't think about that, we just live in the moment.

• 1:07:59Conan O'Brien?

  Live in the moment. Um, well, that, you know what, I have to say, there is closure here.

• 1:08:03Speaker 02

  Good, that's what I-

• 1:08:04Conan O'Brien?

  I now know what rosebud means. That helped me, that helped me.

• 1:08:08Speaker 01

  How? Why?

• 1:08:09Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know, because it was a mystery that never got solved. It was an itch that never got scratched. It was a riddle that's never had an answer, and now you have shown me what it was.

• 1:08:18Speaker 02

  Do you remember too, like, the X-ray gogs? There was also a thing where you could go from being a scrawny little kid to a big, kinda like, buff guy, and there's a little picture of tough guy kicking sand on the little guy on the beach?

• 1:08:29Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, those are called steroids.

• 1:08:31Speaker 02

  That's called-

• 1:08:31Conan O'Brien?

  Out of a comic book? That's called juicing. I don't know what they were, what they were promising. They were just probably sending you a booklet that says,

• 1:08:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:08:37Conan O'Brien?

  "Take two soup cans from mom's kitchen and start using them to make a bicep," but I, um, now we know what that is, which is medical-grade chemicals-

• 1:08:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:08:48Conan O'Brien?

  -that will transform your body. And I had a no, because I'm on them.

• 1:08:53Speaker 02

  How, how long you been on them?

• 1:08:54Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, sadly, I've been on them for my entire life.

• 1:08:57Speaker 02

  Oh, no. What would you have looked like?

• 1:09:03Conan O'Brien?

  I'd have had no skeletal structure. Um, well, that was fun. That, that, that, thank you for doing that.

• 1:09:09Speaker 02

  You're welcome.

• 1:09:10Conan O'Brien?

  That, uh, that helped me, and I hope it helped everyone else who listens from my generation who remembers that. Sona, you seem confused.

• 1:09:16Speaker 01

  I am completely confused. Uh, but I also, I mean, I think that every generation has, like, toys and stuff that, like, kinda dupe you.

• 1:09:23Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:09:24Speaker 02

  What was yours?

• 1:09:25Speaker 03

  McDonald's Monopoly.

• 1:09:27Speaker 01

  Oh, well, that's different, because that was Rick. But I was thinking of the spy tech gear. Do you guys remember the spy tech stuff? It was like a bunch of gear that they sold to kids that was supposed to help you spy, like, be a better spy?

• 1:09:38Conan O'Brien?

  Like, there was a mirror periscope?

• 1:09:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, like a microphone, or like a, uh, not a microphone, but something you held up so you could hear things from further away.

• 1:09:47Conan O'Brien?

  And so, and it didn't work?

• 1:09:48Speaker 01

  I know, I think we bought a bunch of it. I don't think any of it worked.

• 1:09:51Speaker 02

  Were you doing actual spying?

• 1:09:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, on our neighbors.

• 1:09:54Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 1:09:54Speaker 01

  We would go around our neighbors, hide behind bushes, and try to spy on them.

• 1:09:58Speaker 02

  Do you ever hear anything juicy?

• 1:09:59Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:00Speaker 01

  No, because they didn't work!

• 1:10:02Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, they're Armenian too!

• 1:10:05Conan O'Brien?

  We all live in this neighborhood. What about you? What did you mention?

• 1:10:08Speaker 03

  I mentioned McDonald's monopoly. Although to Sona's point, it was, it's been explained now through documentaries that it was all a scam.

• 1:10:15Speaker 01

  It's rigged.

• 1:10:16Speaker 03

  But as a kid, you know, you were sold on the promise of like, oh, if I just buy a bunch of fries and we keep eating at McDonald's and we get these little game pieces, we can win a mansion or, you know, some really cool prizes.

• 1:10:27Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 1:10:27Speaker 03

  And you're just constantly after the chase.

• 1:10:29Speaker 02

  Well, the real win there is the health that you got from all those fries.

• 1:10:33Speaker 01

  Our generation reminds me of the Columbia House records. Yes, I was thinking of that too. Like a penny for like CDs. 19 CDs. Yes.

• 1:10:42Speaker 03

  For one penny.

• 1:10:43Conan O'Brien?

  You know, I have to say, all of these things are true disappointments. The sub is looking pretty good.

• 1:10:48Speaker 02

  Now that you mention it.

• 1:10:50Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, and I'm just saying, I'm happy because the one I dreamed about the most actually appears to be somewhat valid. Would I take it deep into the North Atlantic and attack a Russian sub? Probably not, but that kid seemed pretty happy.

• 1:11:06Speaker 01

  That kid could have been you.

• 1:11:07Conan O'Brien?

  That kid could have been me.

• 1:11:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:11:09Conan O'Brien?

  And then maybe in some other, you know, fold in time, that kid is me.

• 1:11:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:11:15Conan O'Brien?

  You know? Well, this has been a strange end to any conversation. I'm gonna sign off now, but Dreams Deferred will continue. It's the new segment. Peace out, Tupac.

• 1:11:25Speaker 01

  Jeez.

• 1:11:27Conan O'Brien?

  Live your dreams or your dreams live you. I have no ending for this, so I'll just keep talking.

• 1:11:32Speaker 02

  No, please.

• 1:11:32Speaker 01

  Just say bye.

• 1:11:33Conan O'Brien?

  Until I hit something.

• 1:11:34Speaker 01

  Just say bye.

• 1:11:35Conan O'Brien?

  And we end, or do we? A beginning becomes a reality as we finalize.

• 1:11:42Speaker 01

  We'll see you next.

• 1:11:43Conan O'Brien?

  He's turning my sound off.

• 1:11:48Speaker 02

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sona Movsesian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

• 1:12:08Speaker 02

  Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

• 1:12:58Speaker 02

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• 1:13:29Conan O'Brien?

  When you hear Alka Seltzer, you probably think heartburn, right?

• 1:13:31Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 1:13:32Conan O'Brien?

  Well, did you know Alka Seltzer has a line of cold and flu medications known as Alka Seltzer Cold? Did you know that, David?

• 1:13:39Speaker 05

  No, but I feel like we need it.

• 1:13:40Conan O'Brien?

  Why didn't you know that, David?

• 1:13:41Speaker 05

  I know you expect me to know everything.

• 1:13:43Conan O'Brien?

  I knew this.

• 1:13:44Speaker 05

  Did you?

• 1:13:45Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I've tried it. It's really good. And I like that fizzy, fizzy, fizzy when you drop the Alka Seltzer Cold into the water.

• 1:13:51Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:13:51Conan O'Brien?

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