Jesse Eisenberg Returns

Actor Jesse Eisenberg feels unconflicted about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Jesse sits down with Conan once more to discuss why everyone on his school bus rooted for him not to cry, working with the enigmatic Woody Harrelson, and the exploring the disconnect between his Jewish heritage and the modern experience in his latest film A Real Pain. Later, Sona reports from hosting the Pasadena Armenian Festival, which naturally leads to a deep dive into sexy Conan fanfiction. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: (669) 587-2847.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:03Conan O'Brien?

  Your child's clean credit history can make them a target for identity thieves. Well, guess what? With LifeLock, you can add family members to your plan, giving you the power to block identity threats targeting your children. Now, Sona, your kids are pretty young still.

• 0:16Speaker 01

  They are.

• 0:17Conan O'Brien?

  Five, but within a couple of years, you know, they're gonna be buying heavy machinery online.

• 0:23Speaker 01

  What?

• 0:23Conan O'Brien?

  I'm just imagining them buying... They're gonna be... become tractor fanatics. They're gonna be buying tractors online. So if you have expenses or money stolen due to identity theft, you're backed by the million-dollar protection package with up to $3 million coverage in some plans. So join now, save up to 30% off your first year. Go to lifelock.com/conan. That's lifelock.com/conan to save 30%. Terms apply.

• 0:49Conan O'Brien?

  Now, Sona, clearly, I'm a very important person to you.

• 0:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:52Conan O'Brien?

  Just accept the premise and we'll move ahead.

• 0:53Speaker 01

  Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 0:54Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a very important person to you. What would you get me from Macy's for the holidays?

• 1:00Speaker 01

  A vase.

• 1:01Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't want a vase. I want something better.

• 1:04Speaker 01

  A jacket.

• 1:05Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, nice jacket. I love a nice jacket.

• 1:07Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, that jacket, nice jacket.

• 1:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, so now you have to do it, because you said you would.

• 1:09Speaker 01

  Aw, man, I didn't know you were doing that.

• 1:12Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I know the holidays... I know the holidays are months away, but it's never too early, Sona, to find gifts that I will love, gifts I will wear, and surprises that make the season unforgettable for me.

• 1:23Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:24Conan O'Brien?

  Macy's Gift Guide makes holiday shopping easy with beauty favorites, stylish fashion, jewelry, cozy essentials, must-have toys, home upgrades, and picks for every person on your list. Coach handbags, Breville appliances, Lego UG, and more, all in one place. You can skip the scrolling and shop with confidence. Shop now in-store or online at macy's.com/giftguide.

• 1:49Speaker 02

  Hi, my name is Jesse Eisenberg, and I feel...

• 1:54Speaker 02

  Unconflicted, maybe for the first time in my life about something, but in this case about being Conan O'Brien's friend. That's so sweet. Yes.

• 2:23Conan O'Brien?

  Hey there. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Sona is giggling away uncontrollably. I don't know what's happening. Sona Mossetti, and I see, of course, Matt Gourley. The whole gang's here and... Feeling the holiday vibe. Are you feeling it? Oh, I love Christmas. You do? I truly do. You're a Christmas guy? I am, yeah. What do you... I'm guessing, do you go all out with the traditional stuff? Do you have lots of stuff you put out, little holiday trinkets? I think so, yeah. What do you mean, I think? Are you okay? I'm afraid to admit it to you. I'm afraid of what you will tear into. I am a sentimental old sap about Christmas.

• 2:54Speaker 01

  Oh, that's nice.

• 2:55Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Are you, Sona?

• 2:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean...

• 2:57Conan O'Brien?

  You have our... First of all, I know you celebrate it a little later on.

• 3:00Speaker 01

  No, no, we celebrate American Christmas too, but we, you know, we have a fake tree which you guys got mad at me for when we were doing summer smores.

• 3:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 3:09Speaker 01

  And then we like put a few things on, but we're not like the house people stop at when they're driving down the block and be like, "Oh, my God, look at this."

• 3:16Conan O'Brien?

  I don't want to be that house.

• 3:18Speaker 01

  You don't?

• 3:19Conan O'Brien?

  No, the house that has... They have a thing now, I saw an ad where they project... You can put little projectors that project like candy canes. And snowflakes. And snowflakes, and little Santas, and reindeer, and they crisscross your entire house, and I think, I would go insane.

• 3:33Speaker 01

  What?

• 3:33Conan O'Brien?

  If I was in my house and that was being projected and coming in through the window, I think I'd lose my mind.

• 3:38Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 3:39Conan O'Brien?

  No, and you step outside to go get the paper and your... These lasers are firing candy canes into your eyes? Does it get your paper in the nighttime? Yeah. I get it delivered at night.

• 3:50Conan O'Brien?

  When I want it, when there's bad news, I want to hear it right away.

• 3:52Speaker 01

  The guy, the little guy, the paper boy comes back at night just for your house?

• 3:57Conan O'Brien?

  I pay him a little extra to come by at night. It makes me feel...

• 3:59Speaker 01

  So weird.

• 4:00Conan O'Brien?

  I don't want to read news in the morning. I want to read it at night, and it's the only way to get it, it's through the newspaper, I'm told.

• 4:07Conan O'Brien?

  Hi, I don't know much about the internet. But anyway, I don't, I don't, that looks like way too much to have something projected on the house. But I have a brother who's a fully adult man. He goes all out on Christmas on the inside of his house. And I think that's really sweet. I love that. I'm all for people going for it. You know what's funny? Every now and then someone gives me an ornament. I put it on the tree and then kind of forget about it. And then it just shows up because it all goes into a box and then it goes back on the tree the next year. And a couple of years ago, Zach Braff was here and he gave me an ornament. It's him and Donald Faison hugging each other. And I remember just coming home and like it was in my pocket. And I'm like, what's this ornament? And the tree was up and I went, oh, okay. And I just put it on the tree.

• 4:52Conan O'Brien?

  Like three years go by and I, the other day I passed my tree.

• 4:58Conan O'Brien?

  I'm like, what the fuck? Why is Zach Braff and Donald Faison hugging each other on my tree?

• 5:05Speaker 01

  I want that ornament.

• 5:06Speaker 03

  Is there any Conan ornaments? Did you ever make an ornament?

• 5:09Conan O'Brien?

  Um, there was a, you know, it's, it is actually a sentimental memory, but our first season, uh, we premiered September 13th, 1993. When I was a 30 year old kid and every, the reviews were pretty much this won't last. And there was a late night with Conan O'Brien Christmas ornament that someone made and gave to me. And I remember to hang it on the tree in Christmas of 93 and kind of thinking, well, at least I got this. No, seriously. And then all these years later, I look at it, it's, uh, and I'm, I'm like,

• 5:42Speaker 01

  you showed them little ornament.

• 5:44Conan O'Brien?

  You know, it's got, it's this nice little feeling.

• 5:47Speaker 01

  I want to break that ornament.

• 5:49Conan O'Brien?

  I know you do. I need to smash it.

• 5:51Speaker 01

  When I go to your house, I'm just gonna break it.

• 5:54Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, throw the Zach Braff, Donald Faison ornament at it. Smashing it. Uh, but yeah, so I mean, I get sentimental. I'm, I pretend I work really hard at not being sentimental, but I'm very sentimental.

• 6:06Speaker 03

  You like to play the Scrooge?

• 6:07Conan O'Brien?

  And I like to try to, but then I'm a, I'm a total mush about Christmas time.

• 6:12Speaker 03

  Here's a big divisive thing. Where do you guys fall?

• 6:14Conan O'Brien?

  On tinsel on a Christmas tree.

• 6:16Speaker 01

  Tinsel can go fuck itself.

• 6:17Conan O'Brien?

  You know what?

• 6:18Speaker 04

  You've chosen a side.

• 6:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:19Conan O'Brien?

  I'm.

• 6:19Speaker 01

  I'm, I have a little bit of an opinion.

• 6:21Conan O'Brien?

  I'm not a tinsel person. Growing up, um, there'd be some tinsel on our family tree, but I've never wanted it on our tree. I just, I, it just looks like shredded aluminum to me.

• 6:31Speaker 04

  I agree. And also pets often eat it and you find it later.

• 6:35Speaker 01

  Ew.

• 6:36Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, but it looks like someone left you a beautiful present of shit.

• 6:44Conan O'Brien?

  I tried to get my dog to eat a bow, a red bow, so that later I can put it under the tree. Say, look what I got you, honey. It's a shit bow.

• 6:56Speaker 01

  God, what?

• 6:57Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. The really hard part is getting the dog to swallow a card that says, ha, ha, this is shit. But if you can get it to swallow a bow and a card and the dog, and it all stays kinda together.

• 7:12Speaker 01

  Ew.

• 7:12Conan O'Brien?

  It's fantastic. It's such a good prank. Yeah.

• 7:16Speaker 01

  Happy holidays.

• 7:17Conan O'Brien?

  Happy. Aren't you glad you, you listened?

• 7:20Speaker 04

  Hey, Merry Christmas, you two.

• 7:22Conan O'Brien?

  Merry Christmas.

• 7:22Speaker 01

  Hey, you too.

• 7:23Conan O'Brien?

  And happy holidays.

• 7:24Speaker 04

  Well, that's taken it too far.

• 7:25Conan O'Brien?

  All inclusive.

• 7:26Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 7:27Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I'm just, everyone. I just want everyone to have a good holiday, be they Christian, be they not.

• 7:32Speaker 04

  Did you want to give us like Christmas bonuses in cash right now or anything?

• 7:35Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I could Venmo you.

• 7:37Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 7:37Conan O'Brien?

  And Sona will probably tell you I know exactly how to Venmo people.

• 7:42Conan O'Brien?

  That's the hardest I've seen Sona laugh in a while. Says the guy who, says the guy who calls his wife when she's in New York and I'm in LA and goes, come, can you Uber Eats me some of the chicken salad?

• 7:57Speaker 01

  Are you serious?

• 7:58Conan O'Brien?

  I got better, but there was a while there where I was petrified. I'm sorry. It was new technology for a very old man.

• 8:06Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 8:07Conan O'Brien?

  And she, or she'd be in Seattle visiting her parents and I'd be like, um, I really like that turkey burger they made. And she'd be like, yeah, yeah, you just get it. It's, you know. You know, it's on, what is it called? Chomp, chomp, chomp.net?

• 8:21Speaker 01

  That's it.

• 8:21Conan O'Brien?

  Chomp.net.

• 8:22Speaker 01

  Chomp.net?

• 8:23Conan O'Brien?

  Throw a couple my way and I'll tell you which one.

• 8:26Speaker 01

  Uh, Grubhub.

• 8:27Conan O'Brien?

  Grubhub.

• 8:28Speaker 01

  DoorDash.

• 8:29Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 8:29Speaker 01

  Postmates.

• 8:30Conan O'Brien?

  Postmates.

• 8:30Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 8:31Conan O'Brien?

  Postmates. There it is. I'd say, "Hey, honey, I like that turkey burger." And she'd be like, "Well, I'm in Thailand right now in a meeting." And I'd be like, "Yeah, yeah." And I'm asleep. "Yeah, yeah, I like that turkey burger." "Can you get it on chompchomp.gov?" And she'd say, "Do you mean Postmates?" And I'd go, "Yeah, just send it over to the house." "The turkey burger, no barbecue sauce."

• 8:52Speaker 01

  Oh, my god.

• 8:53Conan O'Brien?

  I will say, for anyone listening who thinks that Conan is joking, I remember teaching you how to right-click back at late night. And you were like, "Oh, that button does something else." Yes. Yeah, I remember that. That's true. You were, you were young, a young fellow. That's right. This is back when I had a steam-powered computer. We had to wait for it to heat up to work. That's right. You also make me, you also used to make me say, "Permission to come aboard" before I could go into your office. Yes.

• 9:18Speaker 01

  Oh, my god.

• 9:19Conan O'Brien?

  Even though your desk was literally like a foot and a half from the door, and I could put something on it, I had to say, "Permission to come aboard." And you would say, "Permission denied." Yes. And then I'd have to walk away. You'd have a piece of paper, and you'd go like, "Oh, I got the research notes." And I'd say, "What?" And you'd say, "Permission to come aboard." And I'd go, "Permission denied."

• 9:35Conan O'Brien?

  Now, I think that's quality leadership.

• 9:39Conan O'Brien?

  Anyway, shitbow. That's the way to go this Christmas. Get your dog to eat a bow. And then give that to someone as a present. Shitbow. Coming soon to a theater near you. Theater? No, it's not a movie. I've lost my mind. Merry Christmas.

• 9:55Speaker 01

  You put that up, and then you put it up again. It was a double rap.

• 9:58Conan O'Brien?

  This, yeah, what we call in the podcast industry, a double rap. Yeah, you just, you just slid the rap at me another, it's a rap sign that you slid to me a second time, and I just keep ignoring it. That's what I'd do if I was a teller, and someone slid a piece of paper that said this is a robbery. I'd say, "Yeah, and another thing, shitbow." And then they'd slide it again. Triple rap. Triple rap that shit. Get your dog to eat some tinsel, and you've got some shiny shit. Look, we've got families we've got to get home to for Christmas. And I'm trying to rob a bank. Happy holidays, everyone. Christmas? Mm, whatever. All right, you guys, let's get serious.

• 10:38Speaker 01

  Ship-o like forty times.

• 10:41Conan O'Brien?

  Quit screwing around. And, Son, enough with the poo poo jokes.

• 10:45Conan O'Brien?

  My guest today is an actor, director, author, and playwright, who's probably left after that intro, who has starred in such movies as The Social Network and Zombieland. Now you can see him in his new movie, A Real Pain, which he also wrote and directed, and it's fantastic. I watched it, and I love it. I'm very excited he's here today. I'm a big fan of this gentleman.

• 11:07Conan O'Brien?

  Jesse Eisenberg, welcome.

• 11:13Conan O'Brien?

  I'm going to quickly recap that I met you many, many, many years ago. You did The Squid and the Whale. I think it was the first time I met you.

• 11:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:22Conan O'Brien?

  You must have been... How old were you then?

• 11:24Speaker 02

  I was 21.

• 11:25Conan O'Brien?

  21 years old. I just adored you immediately, I think. And then, I've mentioned this before, but several days later, one of the loveliest notes I've ever... handwritten notes I've ever received showed up. I've mentioned this last time. But, and I thought, there's something different about this person. He's oozing with, like, character and and gentility in this kind of old-world way. And then you've gone on and you've had this extraordinary career.

• 11:52Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 11:53Conan O'Brien?

  And I'm just so happy for you.

• 11:56Speaker 02

  Thank you so much.

• 11:57Conan O'Brien?

  And I feel like, just to pat myself on the back, I feel like, I called it!

• 12:01Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 12:02Conan O'Brien?

  This is about me.

• 12:02Speaker 01

  I thought you were gonna say, "You did it," but you called it like you knew it was gonna happen.

• 12:07Conan O'Brien?

  This isn't about... This is what I'm really good at, pretending it's about, you know, Jesse.

• 12:10Speaker 02

  Right.

• 12:11Conan O'Brien?

  But then it's about me. I called it.

• 12:13Speaker 02

  That's right.

• 12:14Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 12:14Conan O'Brien?

  I called it.

• 12:15Speaker 02

  And me, I'm just the horse.

• 12:18Conan O'Brien?

  Blue Bell came in first!

• 12:21Speaker 02

  But I will say, like, just to that point, I remember right after... I was so... First of all, I grew up watching... Oh, maybe, sorry. I grew up, like, obsessed, obsessed, obsessed with you to the point where, like, literally my mom would sneak out after my dad fell asleep to go into my bedroom to watch your show with me. And...

• 12:36Conan O'Brien?

  So your dad's not a fan? No, no, no. This is how my mind works.

• 12:40Speaker 01

  That's what you got from that.

• 12:41Conan O'Brien?

  Why did he hate me?

• 12:43Speaker 02

  Well, my new worst enemy, Barry Eisenberg of East Brunswick, New Jersey. No, but, like...

• 12:49Conan O'Brien?

  And you know what's even sicker? My immediate thought is, "He saw the real me."

• 12:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, exactly.

• 12:53Conan O'Brien?

  That's how I feel.

• 12:55Speaker 02

  I guess he's the only one that truly knows. But anyway, like, um, after we did the segment on your, on your show, um, you leaned over to me and you said, "You seem like such a nice person." And I remember it was so odd because that doesn't seem like one of the compliments you get in the entertainment industry.

• 13:10Conan O'Brien?

  Right, right.

• 13:11Speaker 02

  It doesn't seem like one of the boxes you might check, you know, "You're a nice person." And it gets you nowhere.

• 13:15Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, it does. I, I mean, it means a lot to me and, uh, and you've gone on, um, and I'll, I'll mention this upfront and we'll, we'll talk, there's so much I want to talk about. And we're going to get to this film you made, uh, you, I mean, let's, let's take it off. You wrote.

• 13:33Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 13:33Conan O'Brien?

  Directed. You co-star in it with Kieran Culkin and this extraordinary cast.

• 13:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:39Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, you made this film and it's absolutely beautiful.

• 13:43Speaker 02

  Thank you so much.

• 13:44Conan O'Brien?

  And it's got people ranting and raving in a good way.

• 13:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 13:47Conan O'Brien?

  I've had people ranting and raving in not a good way.

• 13:51Conan O'Brien?

  It's called "A Real Pain" and we'll talk about that, but I, what was special for me was to watch this movie and, and see that, oh, you are a consummate artist. You've made this beautiful thing with such aplomb and it will endure. I always have this connection with you from that time that you sent me that note and I had that nice first meeting with you. And then, uh, here you are all these years later and you're doing extraordinary work and I'm just so happy for you.

• 14:19Speaker 02

  That is so nice of you to say. Thank you so much. Do you ever root for mean people?

• 14:26Conan O'Brien?

  It's funny.

• 14:28Conan O'Brien?

  Occasionally.

• 14:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:30Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, I, you know, Stalin did a lot of bad stuff.

• 14:33Speaker 02

  Right.

• 14:34Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no, but I was, no, but I was, sometimes I'd be like, "Come on, you can do it Stalin. You can turn this around."

• 14:39Speaker 02

  And you were really young at the time.

• 14:40Conan O'Brien?

  I was very, I'm older than people think.

• 14:42Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 14:43Conan O'Brien?

  I was born in 1911. Do the math. No, I, um, I can separate. There are people who do excellent work and are not good people and I do believe in separating the two.

• 14:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 14:56Conan O'Brien?

  You are a, a, a man who's, I think, uh, has real character and you do exceptional work. I like it when the two come together, but they don't have to.

• 15:04Speaker 02

  Got it.

• 15:05Conan O'Brien?

  Do you know what I mean?

• 15:05Speaker 02

  Yes, of course.

• 15:06Conan O'Brien?

  And there are, how many artists can you see, uh, you know, whose work is hanging on the wall and they're, you later, later learn, or amazing athletes who were absolutely deplorable human beings, but I still applaud their athleticism.

• 15:18Speaker 02

  Of course, perhaps even more so because you don't want them to hurt you.

• 15:21Conan O'Brien?

  Exactly.

• 15:25Conan O'Brien?

  I mean Stalin's been dead a long time and I still talk him up.

• 15:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 15:28Conan O'Brien?

  I think he could still get me. Talk about him a lot. He could still get me. It's funny, um, we probably have a few things in common. I grew up, uh, with my share of anxiety and hated going to school. I didn't want to leave my house, but I, I, I still to this day can remember the, the carpool ride from my house on Kennard Road to the Driscoll, Michael Driscoll School. Every second thinking, okay, we're not there yet.

• 15:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 16:00Conan O'Brien?

  Like, just filled with that kind of, you, uh, like your mouth tastes like aluminum. You're, you have so much anxiety.

• 16:06Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 16:06Conan O'Brien?

  And, um, I've later thought, well, I hate to say it, but it probably contributed some things to me.

• 16:13Speaker 02

  I know, I know.

• 16:13Conan O'Brien?

  And I know that you've have this struggle too.

• 16:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:17Conan O'Brien?

  I've had many therapists and many people tell me, well, you didn't need that. You'd have been, you, you, and I, I don't trust them.

• 16:25Speaker 02

  No, me either.

• 16:25Conan O'Brien?

  It's like Dumbo's feather. I think I needed that. I don't know where you come down on all this.

• 16:29Speaker 02

  Uh, the exact same kind of, um, confusion as you do and the exact same conversations with therapists, um, as you've had, uh, I, I always think, um, yeah, there was like maybe a parallel universe version of me that was kind of happy, um, and is an accountant. And so, um, but you know, the painful thing is the thing that person told you is no, you didn't need that. And that's even worse.

• 16:56Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 16:56Speaker 02

  Because then it was just for nothing.

• 16:58Conan O'Brien?

  It was a waste of time.

• 17:00Speaker 02

  I just feel like we got into jobs that no one was asking us ever to do. Like no one wanted you to host a TV show. No one asked me to be an actor.

• 17:07Conan O'Brien?

  They still.

• 17:09Speaker 02

  Retroactively trying to.

• 17:10Conan O'Brien?

  Still, people are trying to like, can we delete that 30 years of work? No, but. More and more, I think, I'm here out of a weird compulsion that I don't have a control over. And I, I, I think about you and your anxiety and you are not the typical, "Hey, put that light on me."

• 17:28Speaker 02

  Right, exactly.

• 17:29Conan O'Brien?

  "Because I'm ready to shine, see? I've got a song for ya." But something pushed this young, anxious kid. I mean, I, I know that you were so anxious as a child, getting on the bus to go to school.

• 17:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 17:44Conan O'Brien?

  You would cry.

• 17:46Speaker 02

  That's right.

• 17:46Conan O'Brien?

  And they had to kind of come up, well, you tell me.

• 17:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, no, I would cry, I cried every day in, when I, when I got to school, but they, they didn't want me to cry on the bus. The bus driver did not want me to cry, because I guess it was probably dangerous for me to be weeping in the back of a huge, moving vehicle. But basically.

• 18:01Conan O'Brien?

  I don't see why that's a danger. I'm trying to do the math, and I, I don't see how it affects the operation of the vehicle. Oh, no, it could, yeah, I could see it leak down into the transmission.

• 18:09Speaker 02

  I would use her sleeve as a tissue.

• 18:13Speaker 02

  But basically, so, no, right, so if, so, so she set up this system where if I didn't cry every day until Friday, on Friday she would give out Tootsie Roll Pops to all the kids on the bus if I didn't, if I made it through the week without crying on the bus. And so you would hear on Fridays, from down the street, windows open on the bus, "Don't cry, Jesse. Don't cry, Jesse."

• 18:34Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, no!

• 18:35Speaker 01

  Oh, my god!

• 18:36Conan O'Brien?

  But wait a minute, this is so sick. You're, it's not like the treat's just for you, it's everyone else, which is creating this group thing. That's evil!

• 18:44Speaker 02

  It's the equivalent of if you don't do all the pushups, everybody in this room has to do 10 more.

• 18:48Speaker 01

  That's insane!

• 18:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:49Conan O'Brien?

  And giving me ideas.

• 18:51Speaker 01

  No, no, no, no!

• 18:52Conan O'Brien?

  On how to run a podcast company. But, um, oh my god, that is wrong slash kind of ingenious?

• 19:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's all that stuff. Listen, that was her wound, and now she's an artist too, that bus driver.

• 19:07Conan O'Brien?

  And an amazing athlete.

• 19:08Speaker 02

  Yes, exactly. And that was her will to power.

• 19:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was just, I was a miserable, miserable kid with good parents. I feel uncomfortable saying this in public because I don't want to demonize my well-meaning, good parents. Yeah, I don't know, I was just wired to be absolutely miserable. And, you know, performing for me was kind of like an outlet, but not like an outlet like, I feel myself here. It was more just an outlet to literally just get out of school. Like, if I got into a show, it meant I could leave early from school on various days and rehearse and be with adults, which was the only place at the time I felt like comfortable.

• 19:43Conan O'Brien?

  You have this great quote, "When playing a role, I would feel more comfortable as you're given a prescribed way of behaving."

• 19:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:50Conan O'Brien?

  And I thought, that is, I understand, someone's telling you.

• 19:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:54Conan O'Brien?

  All the anxiety you might have, Jesse, about what am I supposed to say or do in this one particular situation?

• 19:59Speaker 02

  Right.

• 20:00Conan O'Brien?

  But if you're in The Seagull.

• 20:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:02Conan O'Brien?

  You know, like, no, I'm supposed to enter? And then I'm supposed to leave and shoot myself?

• 20:06Speaker 02

  Right, exactly.

• 20:07Conan O'Brien?

  This is what I'm supposed to do.

• 20:09Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 20:09Conan O'Brien?

  And there's a calm that might come with that.

• 20:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly. And not only a calm, but like catharsis, because the characters are emotional and it's like the thing I feel all the time bubbling under my surface but is inappropriate to do in public, you know, to have like an emotion or, you know, and also it's a burden on other people, of course, so I don't emote in public. But like, to have that catharsis, you know, is really helpful.

• 20:30Conan O'Brien?

  You weren't just drawn to acting, specifically musical theater.

• 20:35Speaker 02

  Well, that was like the thing that was like available. Like, they weren't doing The Seagull in, you know, community theater in New Jersey, you know?

• 20:42Conan O'Brien?

  They were doing the musical version of it.

• 20:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly.

• 20:44Conan O'Brien?

  "I've got to go and commit suicide."

• 20:47Speaker 02

  Everybody had jazz wings.

• 20:50Speaker 02

  But, uh, so, um, you know, so that's just like what was happening in children's theater at the time where I lived. You know, now I see a wonderful chasm between me and musical theater in terms of like performance style. That's not where I would shine these days.

• 21:07Conan O'Brien?

  It's funny because now I'm having this other, like, flashback memory of, I don't know if you remember this, Sona, but when we were doing the shows during COVID. Yeah. I think you were one of the first. First people.

• 21:18Speaker 02

  Yes, that's right.

• 21:19Conan O'Brien?

  You may have been, you may have been the first guest I talked to. Covid hit, all the shows shut down, then we all came back, I think on the same day. And we were doing, um.

• 21:29Speaker 02

  Virtual.

• 21:29Conan O'Brien?

  Virtual interviews, Zoom interviews. And I think everyone else really had their shit together and they were talking to guests who were in their home, but with state of the art Zooms. And um, I was very excited that you were gonna be like the first guest back. And it's, oh, great, we got Jesse Eisenberg, this is gonna be great. And your family had gotten into a van and you were just driving across America. I think to try and escape Covid in a van in America. Which doesn't work, by the way. But I remembered you having possibly the worst Zoom signal I've ever seen. And this was on television, you could probably look it up and see it.

• 22:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:09Conan O'Brien?

  But it looks like I'm talking to, it looks like it's 1962 and I'm talking to a Russian cosmonaut who's in space.

• 22:15Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 22:16Conan O'Brien?

  Yuri Gagarin, how are you?

• 22:19Conan O'Brien?

  And then it would go out and then you'd come back in again. And occasionally I could see, you know, like your family in the background.

• 22:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:26Conan O'Brien?

  Trying to swat away Covid and there was a coyote.

• 22:29Speaker 02

  Exactly right.

• 22:29Conan O'Brien?

  It was craziness.

• 22:30Speaker 02

  Yes, that, wow, yes, exactly. You know, I was like at a K O A, like a campsite, you know, where we stayed overnight.

• 22:36Conan O'Brien?

  Right, right.

• 22:36Speaker 02

  And the internet, the K O A is known for a lot of things, but not the wifi. So, uh, yeah, it was, it was pretty bad. Yeah, sorry about all that.

• 22:43Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, no, no, it, hey, I'm remembering it.

• 22:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 22:47Conan O'Brien?

  What I've remembered is I remember, those are the things I remember in show business. There've been many, you know, flawless, perfectly executed, technicolor interviews that I'll never remember.

• 22:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:57Conan O'Brien?

  But I just remember you in a baseball cap, uh, and your family trying to outrun

• 23:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:03Conan O'Brien?

  A virus in a van.

• 23:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, long story short, it caught up with us.

• 23:09Conan O'Brien?

  Um, yeah. Caught up with a lot of us.

• 23:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:12Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Yeah, the only one who didn't get it is Sona, who ate garlic, right?

• 23:16Speaker 01

  Yes, I ate garlic, lots of garlic, lots of lemon. But I did eventually get it.

• 23:21Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 23:21Speaker 01

  So even garlic can't outrun COVID.

• 23:24Speaker 02

  Wow, not even the root, garlic.

• 23:25Speaker 01

  Not even the root, I know. But you know, um, Gourley, who's not here, has never had it yet.

• 23:30Speaker 02

  Really?

• 23:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's never had it.

• 23:32Conan O'Brien?

  Maybe he's out with COVID right now.

• 23:34Speaker 01

  He could be, he could be, and Eduardo never had it up until like a month ago.

• 23:38Speaker 02

  Oh, wow.

• 23:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know, isn't that crazy?

• 23:40Speaker 02

  Are there people who are immune to it, like, actually, like?

• 23:42Speaker 01

  I have no idea.

• 23:43Speaker 03

  I thought it was a mutant.

• 23:44Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, of course you must have, and you were around people, right? Who of course had it. And he got real cocky about it, and he said, he kept, he was always shouting, COVID can never get me. Yeah. Remember? That's right. And if someone had COVID, he would, he would grab them and open mouth kiss them. Right. He got me tooed a couple of times for that. That's right. And then finally, you ordered a hamburger, and you said, put a little extra COVID on it. And you finally caught it. Got it. So it ultimately was your fault. It was his own fault. In my stories, it's always the other person.

• 24:15Speaker 01

  Put a little extra COVID on it.

• 24:18Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, hey, I said I wanted COVID. I want two scoops.

• 24:23Speaker 01

  Make it real COVID-y.

• 24:26Conan O'Brien?

  You call this COVID?

• 24:36Conan O'Brien?

  This fall, I want to try something different.

• 24:38Speaker 01

  What?

• 24:39Conan O'Brien?

  I like to change it up, I like to learn things, so I'm gonna try and make apple cider.

• 24:42Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 24:42Conan O'Brien?

  Every morning.

• 24:43Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 24:44Conan O'Brien?

  This fall, just to see if I can do it.

• 24:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:46Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, fall's the perfect season to try something new, like joining T-Mobile.

• 24:50Speaker 01

  Oh, that's good.

• 24:51Conan O'Brien?

  See what I did?

• 24:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:52Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, there are 250 reasons to join T-Mobile right now, you want to hear what they are?

• 24:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:56Conan O'Brien?

  They're America's best network.

• 24:57Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 24:58Conan O'Brien?

  True story, plus T-Mobile has got off-grid satellite coverage. That comes in really handy, I like to just wander in the woods sometimes.

• 25:05Speaker 01

  Oh, that's weird.

• 25:05Conan O'Brien?

  When I'm thinking about, like, making apple cider, and uh, that's when it comes in handy. Here's another reason, high-speed data in over 215 countries and destinations. I travel a lot for the

• 25:15Speaker 01

  You travel a lot.

• 25:15Conan O'Brien?

  Travel show that I do.

• 25:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:17Conan O'Brien?

  Stream this podcast while ignoring local landmarks, that's always fun to do. Like, oh, look, there's the Mona Lisa, yeah, check it out, I'm in the Louvre, I should, but I'm listening to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

• 25:27Speaker 01

  That doesn't seem like a good idea.

• 25:28Conan O'Brien?

  It's a great idea.

• 25:29Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 25:30Conan O'Brien?

  You know, uh, you can see art anytime. But how often can you listen to this podcast?

• 25:35Speaker 01

  Oh my god!

• 25:36Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 25:36Speaker 01

  What?

• 25:37Conan O'Brien?

  Now, all these reasons make T-Mobile a great choice.

• 25:40Speaker 01

  I agree.

• 25:40Conan O'Brien?

  T-Mobile is stacking up reasons to join. Go to T-Mobile.com and find yours best. Based on analysis by Ookla of speed test intelligence data first half of 2026. Can't believe I read that. T-Satellite with capable devices in most outdoor areas in the US where you can see the sky. High-speed international data with qualifying plan. Visit T-Mobile.com. Consult a physician. I just threw that in there.

• 26:04Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 26:09Conan O'Brien?

  Earth can be a lot. There's gravity, there's mosquitoes.

• 26:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:13Conan O'Brien?

  And a sun that will gulf us in about 5 billion years, give or take.

• 26:16Speaker 01

  Oh, good.

• 26:17Conan O'Brien?

  It is going to eventually incinerate us, the sun, but we've got 5 billion years.

• 26:20Speaker 01

  Okay, that's time.

• 26:21Conan O'Brien?

  Cosmically speaking, you earned a break, so escape to Pluto TV.

• 26:25Speaker 01

  That's where this was going.

• 26:26Conan O'Brien?

  Yep. I knew the second I saw, the minute I saw the sun exploding and incinerating us, I knew this was going to Pluto TV. Turn off your earthly problems and turn on the movies and shows you already love. From Anchorman, The Legend of Ron Burgundy, to Dirty Dancing, from Alias to The X-Files, no subscription, no fees, zero dollars. When that sun's pulsating and burning you up, you've got the best thing on TV. And the best things on TV are free. Escape to Pluto TV. Stream now, pay never.

• 26:53Speaker 05

  This is the story of the one. As a shipping manager, he's running the dock, stocking supplies, and making sure every order goes out on time. And Granger helps him stay prepared. From shipping supplies, to PPE, to hand tools, he counts on Granger to keep products moving and trucks rolling. So his operation runs smoothly, no matter the shift. Call 1-800-GRANGER, click Granger.com, or just stop by. Granger, for the ones who get it done.

• 27:29Conan O'Brien?

  I gotta ask you, I know you did Zombieland with him, and so I have to ask you about Woody Harrelson, because he's an unsolvable mystery to me. And I ask because he, in my little podcast company, he does a podcast, a very good podcast that he does.

• 27:44Speaker 02

  Oh, right, with Ted Danson.

• 27:45Conan O'Brien?

  With Ted Danson, they do it together in this very room. And whenever I encounter Woody, I'm convinced he's not real. I'm convinced he's not a real person, in all the best ways. I adore him.

• 27:56Speaker 02

  I get it.

• 27:57Conan O'Brien?

  I love him.

• 27:57Speaker 02

  There's something, he is an icon, and in some ways, like emblematic of what we think of as like, or for me at least, Americana. And we were working together for the last four months, up until last week. We just finished doing a movie in Budapest together, Now You See Me 3. It was our sixth project together. And I still have that feeling that he transcends the species somehow. I don't know.

• 28:24Speaker 02

  The thing I've...

• 28:25Conan O'Brien?

  It is, he's fascinating. He's a fascinating creature.

• 28:29Speaker 02

  The way I've been able to codify him in my mind just recently is the following. He is a truly eccentric artist masquerading as an everyman.

• 28:38Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 28:39Speaker 02

  I really think so.

• 28:40Conan O'Brien?

  I believe that.

• 28:40Speaker 02

  He's actually an eccentric artist with very unusual taste. But like, he's just been embraced, and I think it's not by his own decision or intent, like by America as like the person we can all agree on.

• 28:53Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 28:53Speaker 02

  You know what I mean?

• 28:54Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's like him and Paul Rudd are the people that everyone's agreed, we love them, they're great. Yeah. You know? I think so. Yeah.

• 29:02Speaker 02

  But Woody has a special cultural thing too, because he has a midwestern, he has a southern twang and a midwestern charm. He grew up in Ohio and Texas. And so there's something culturally, I think, also a little confusing, because he's also hippie and, you know, he has a weed store down the block here. So there's like, I think there's so many wonderfully contradicting things happening that we all feel he is with us.

• 29:23Conan O'Brien?

  And we've, I mean, mentioned it, but it was a big episode here, but it was, you may not be aware of this, that I was here with Ted and we were waiting on Woody, and they said he's good, and then we got this message, "Yeah, Woody's running late, he was in a motorcycle accident."

• 29:37Speaker 02

  Oh, wow.

• 29:38Conan O'Brien?

  And I was saying, "He was in a motorcycle accident, let's all rush to the hospital and go make sure he's okay." And they're like, "Nope, he's just gonna be 15 minutes late." And he showed up 15 minutes late and he had gone like ass over teakettle, over the hood of a car.

• 29:52Speaker 02

  Right.

• 29:52Conan O'Brien?

  Not wearing armor.

• 29:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:54Conan O'Brien?

  And Ted bandaged him and then we did the podcast.

• 29:57Speaker 02

  Oh my god.

• 29:58Conan O'Brien?

  And I'm, and he's like, ah, be right, man, you know, whatever. No!

• 30:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 30:03Conan O'Brien?

  No, what are you doing?

• 30:06Speaker 02

  A week later, we were shooting a movie in Budapest. That was like right after that.

• 30:09Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, was it right after that?

• 30:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:11Conan O'Brien?

  I'm also furious with him.

• 30:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:14Conan O'Brien?

  Because he pulled me aside and said, hey, man, you wanna go 50/50 with me on a houseboat in Amsterdam? And I'm like, to co-own a houseboat in Amsterdam with Woody Harrelson? I could dine out on that for the rest of my life. And so I said, yes, yes. And he said, don't you have to talk to your wife? And I said, no. I'm just saying, yes, right now.

• 30:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:36Conan O'Brien?

  He said, do you need to see pictures? I said, no.

• 30:38Speaker 02

  Right.

• 30:38Conan O'Brien?

  I, even if I never see it.

• 30:40Speaker 02

  Of course.

• 30:41Conan O'Brien?

  I'm gonna tell people, yeah, Woody Harrelson and I.

• 30:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:43Conan O'Brien?

  Co-own a houseboat in Amsterdam. Three days later, we don't talk, he's taping a podcast right in here and he's talking to Flea and on air he goes, hey Flea, you wanna go half and half on that? And I practically crashed the door down.

• 30:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 30:58Conan O'Brien?

  And I'm like yelling at him, you never intended. He was just laughing in my face.

• 31:02Speaker 02

  Okay, to be fair, he doesn't know fractions, so.

• 31:14Conan O'Brien?

  He is sold, it's like that con man who sold.

• 31:16Speaker 02

  A million halves.

• 31:17Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. You weeks get a half.

• 31:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:20Conan O'Brien?

  All thousand of you. Now if I could just leave town with this suitcase full of cash. Yeah, he's, he's the music man.

• 31:26Speaker 02

  The monterey.

• 31:27Conan O'Brien?

  He's the music man, yeah, or the monterey, it's Lyle Landley. Yeah, exactly. Uh, but, um, one of the things I love the most about being in this business is just meeting all these characters, these authentic people. And I just, uh, and, uh, just, uh, to me, that's the price of admission. I mean, I, it's worth everything. It makes it all worthwhile.

• 31:48Speaker 02

  Let me ask you this, though, like, how much eccentricity do you think is manufactured by people trying to be interesting?

• 31:55Conan O'Brien?

  I think, um...

• 31:58Conan O'Brien?

  I think it's less, yes, I know what you mean. I think there's eccentricity that's manufactured by celebrities, famous people, whatever you want to call them, people of note. There's some eccentricity. I think the thing that's manufactured the most is difficulty. I think that's what I've noticed is-

• 32:15Speaker 02

  Purposely manufactured.

• 32:16Conan O'Brien?

  Purposely manufactured difficulty because it almost creates a sense of importance. Sometimes I think when someone's being very difficult or there's a lot of demands and they have a giant entourage and everything has to be just right, I think this person's unhappy. This person is trying to create something because they don't feel authentic enough.

• 32:38Speaker 02

  But, but, but, but what they'd be doing would be compromising potentially being liked. And when do those two things come into conflict in a way that still makes them demanding?

• 32:46Conan O'Brien?

  Right. I mean, I wish I could answer the question. I just have seen it a million times.

• 32:50Speaker 02

  Right. And it always feels like it's coming from the same place of needing to feel externally important because something is missing.

• 32:56Conan O'Brien?

  I know that when I was doing the late night show, Bruce Springsteen came to perform and he showed up himself.

• 33:03Speaker 02

  Right.

• 33:03Conan O'Brien?

  And he's wearing a flannel shirt and he's hanging out in the hallway. And afterwards, someone bought a case of beer and we all cracked it open. We were standing around drinking beer, like, because he didn't need-

• 33:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, of course.

• 33:15Conan O'Brien?

  Validation. He didn't need that. And then occasionally there's someone who, they're not even the number one name on the call sheet or of the show they're on, that's, and there's a lot of demands.

• 33:26Speaker 02

  Of course. Yeah, that's always the case.

• 33:28Conan O'Brien?

  And I'd like to keep the limo afterwards. And I'd also, when I get there, this is what the temperature should be.

• 33:34Speaker 02

  Right, of course.

• 33:35Conan O'Brien?

  And to me, that's the pathology of it a little bit.

• 33:38Speaker 02

  That makes a lot more sense, of course.

• 33:40Conan O'Brien?

  And when you meet an authentic person, there's something, there's a little piece of zinc in our brains as humanoids, we know, oh, okay, this person is authentic. This Woody Harrelson guy is not making shit up. He's real. Do you know what I mean?

• 33:55Speaker 02

  Well, some stuff is made up.

• 33:58Speaker 02

  The cell phone tower, you know, I mean.

• 34:00Conan O'Brien?

  Cell phone, yeah, yes. Yes. Well, I think he believes it. That's true.

• 34:04Speaker 02

  That is true.

• 34:05Conan O'Brien?

  The truth is, he believes it.

• 34:06Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 34:06Conan O'Brien?

  What's made up is that he has a houseboat in Amsterdam. That's the bullshit. That doesn't even exist.

• 34:12Speaker 02

  What if it's just you and Flea who own this houseboat?

• 34:14Conan O'Brien?

  That's what's gonna be.

• 34:15Speaker 01

  That's cool too, though.

• 34:16Conan O'Brien?

  No, it's not the same. Flea's just gonna be doing bass scales the whole time. Really fast.

• 34:23Conan O'Brien?

  And I'll be like, Jesus, Flea. Do you know another instrument?

• 34:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:27Speaker 01

  Wait, you guys are living in the houseboat? I don't understand why you're s-

• 34:30Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, that's the whole point.

• 34:30Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 34:31Conan O'Brien?

  When Jesse and I get a houseboat, which is gonna happen, Jesse.

• 34:34Speaker 02

  Of course.

• 34:35Conan O'Brien?

  We're gonna live there together.

• 34:36Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 34:37Speaker 02

  Yeah. If you have the houseboat, why would you not live there all the time? Even when you have to go visit your families back home? You stay in the houseboat in Amsterdam.

• 34:46Conan O'Brien?

  This actually leads me to your film.

• 34:48Speaker 02

  Naturally.

• 34:49Conan O'Brien?

  Um, which, well, it does. It does.

• 34:53Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, it leads me to your film because A Real Pain, uh, co-stars you and Kieran Culkin as cousins. I saw a trailer first. Before I saw the film, as often happens. And the second I saw you and Kieran together, I was just, oh, this is gonna be great.

• 35:12Speaker 02

  Oh, thanks.

• 35:12Conan O'Brien?

  Because I adore both of you. I think you're both fantastic actors, but you also both play very well. Different registers. The two of you play these cousins who, in many ways, could not be more different. For a movie that has a lot of dark and meaningful subtext, you two are so funny and real together.

• 35:35Speaker 02

  Oh, thanks.

• 35:35Conan O'Brien?

  It's really beautiful.

• 35:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's funny because I hadn't, like, really seen his work ever. I mean, really. I, I, I just had this instinct that there was no one else on the planet who could do it. I met him at an audition for this movie Adventureland. I was already cast in the movie and he came in to audition for it. And in the audition, he, like, literally grabbed my nipples and twisted them. It was, in the, in the script, in the script, he was supposed to, like, punch me in the balls. And a lot of actors are coming in and no one touched me that day because there was, it was auditions, you know what I mean? And like, um, and yet Kieran punched me in the balls and then grabbed my nipples, twisted them, and was so brilliantly funny in the audition that he didn't even get the role. But he, um, he actually, actually wasn't cast, but I remember he left.

• 36:15Conan O'Brien?

  Wasn't cast because he sexually assaulted.

• 36:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 36:18Conan O'Brien?

  And he had to, there was a whole, he had to do a little time, get to go away for a bit.

• 36:21Speaker 02

  And Screen Actors Guild, they do take you back after, after, uh- After a probatory period, but anyway, he, um, no, but basically like, um, he, he, he left the room and the director and I turned to each other, I was like, that was unbelievable. This guy is amazing. And that was like in 2009, I think. And, um, I just had this, uh, image, I think in my unconscious or this feeling of being around a guy who's so funny, who's so magnetic and who doesn't kind of give a shit about at that point, like being polite or being like the obsequious auditioning actor of like, you know, so happy to be here. And a guy who just immediately manhandled me. And it's kind of what the movie is, like in the movie, I pay for the trip. I have the family.

• 37:01Conan O'Brien?

  Well, let's lay it out for people, just because, you know, I, I never like to give too much away, but it is a really lovely movie, uh, and like a tone poem, but also it's a, it's a, it's a travel story. It's the story of two cousins that you're taking this very meaningful trip. Your grandmother, who, uh,

• 37:19Speaker 02

  She survived the war.

• 37:20Conan O'Brien?

  She survived the camps.

• 37:22Speaker 02

  Right.

• 37:23Conan O'Brien?

  She, uh, in Poland. So you guys are coming back as part of this tour to tour Poland, see some of the sites. You visit a concentration camp and then you go to see the home where she lived. It is in a kind of Felix and Oscar way. You're so good at being very high strung and trying to hold it all together.

• 37:43Speaker 02

  Right.

• 37:43Conan O'Brien?

  And very responsible. And he is so irresponsible in these very funny ways. And I was watching this movie thinking, well, there can be more movies where you two, I mean, you can, you can do, you two characters can do anything.

• 37:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:57Conan O'Brien?

  Because it's just gonna be funny. But there's also, it's real. It's very meaningful.

• 38:02Speaker 02

  That's so nice of you to say. And actually, the original script was set in Mongolia. I was like 30 pages into the script of these two guys going to Mongolia to visit an old friend.

• 38:11Conan O'Brien?

  You're the new Hope in Crosby.

• 38:12Speaker 02

  They're gonna do travel, you know?

• 38:13Conan O'Brien?

  Look it up, kids.

• 38:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 38:15Conan O'Brien?

  It's a really good reference.

• 38:16Speaker 02

  Yeah. Next week, we're going to the Orient, you know?

• 38:18Conan O'Brien?

  Um.

• 38:19Speaker 02

  But, um, it was basically like, uh, it was, um, yeah, that, it was, and so like, I had this great dynamic. And then the movie, this Mongolia script was not going well. And it's kind of funny, but like, the script was not going well. I was 30 pages into the script and an ad popped up on the internet for Auschwitz tours and then in parentheses, with lunch.

• 38:38Conan O'Brien?

  Jesus.

• 38:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:39Conan O'Brien?

  Oh my god. That's what it said? Auschwitz, parentheses, with lunch?

• 38:42Speaker 02

  No, no, Auschwitz tours.

• 38:43Conan O'Brien?

  Auschwitz tours, yeah.

• 38:44Speaker 02

  With lunch.

• 38:45Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 38:45Speaker 02

  With lunch.

• 38:45Conan O'Brien?

  With, I know, I'm getting it. I know.

• 38:48Speaker 02

  Should I say it again?

• 38:51Speaker 02

  I can come closer. Yeah, so basically, and I was like, first of all, I knew immediately what the ad was for.

• 38:57Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 38:58Speaker 02

  But the implication of what the ad was for, which was just, you know, you want to do tours.

• 39:02Conan O'Brien?

  The ad's a little tone deaf. Let's say you can mention with lunch, maybe elsewhere.

• 39:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, maybe put an asterisk there and then address the asterisk after you click the banner. But basically, but what, but actually what they're appealing to is exactly why the tone deaf, why the ad is tone deaf, because they're appealing to yuppies who want to, instead of going to Rome this, this, this holiday, now you're going to go to Auschwitz, you know, and you're doing your responsible tourism, which is a good thing to do anyway. But as soon as I saw that, I changed, I took the characters out of Mongolia and I set them on this Polish trip. But that was really the feeling is like you could drop these characters in anywhere, in any scene, and it will still be amusing. And so, like what you said, like they're going to all of these places fraught with, you know, the history of trauma, and yet the characters have like an appealing bond that you can kind of just repeat and, and further uncover.

• 39:46Conan O'Brien?

  There's also this feeling that we've all had, there are moments in the film where you're meant to feel something, you're not quite feeling it in the same magnitude that you feel you should be feeling it. And I thought that is something we've all experienced.

• 40:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:03Conan O'Brien?

  Where you go to a hallowed space or you're learning about something. I mean, I'm a history buff and I've been to many places where very traumatic things happened and then you're like, well, we're gonna miss the tram if we don't get, and it's very weird.

• 40:17Speaker 02

  It's very weird.

• 40:18Conan O'Brien?

  It's very weird to lay the two on each other.

• 40:19Speaker 02

  Yes, I've thought about this so much, not just because of making the movie, but because I do the same kind of tourism. I've been to the Rwandan genocide museum in Kigali and in Cambodia, the, you know, killing fields. I'm fascinated with this kind of tourism. And yes, there's always the weird part of it, like we have to get lunch on the way there. Do we get bad lunch because bad things happened here?

• 40:38Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 40:38Speaker 02

  Or do we get the lunch we like because we want to have the energy to tour this place? And it's so weird. So in the movie, the characters are like kind of trying to reconcile that disconnect, this necessary disconnect, like we're on the train going to a concentration camp and we have first class seats because the, you know, exchange rate in Poland allows for us to have this, you know, we're on a Yuppie tour of Poland and Kieran's character cannot stand the fact that we're in first class. But like, Coach is not that much better, you know what I mean?

• 41:06Conan O'Brien?

  No, he goes, he's, you know, he's saying, "Our people were put on trains in Poland in this terrible situation to be killed."

• 41:16Speaker 02

  Right.

• 41:17Conan O'Brien?

  And here we are, 70 years later, on a train

• 41:22Speaker 02

  Right.

• 41:22Conan O'Brien?

  with really cushy seats.

• 41:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:24Conan O'Brien?

  Eating this fancy meal in first class. This isn't right. And he goes storming off

• 41:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:28Conan O'Brien?

  to go to another class.

• 41:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:30Conan O'Brien?

  And one of the characters yells out, "It's not gonna be that much worse."

• 41:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:35Conan O'Brien?

  And so, to me, the, the, the beauty of the film is when you can kind of dance on a knife's edge.

• 41:43Speaker 02

  Right.

• 41:43Conan O'Brien?

  Between the darkness, but also the, the humanity that is, people are imperfect. We don't always feel exactly what we're supposed to feel. There's always someone in the room who, if you say, "Oh my God, there, I just bit into this sandwich." And, uh, it's, it's, it's all, it's got mold all over it. This is terrible. Oh yeah? Well, guess what?

• 42:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly.

• 42:03Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, some people never got to have a sandwich and they're dead. And so you can't always pull it. "No, I still want the good sandwich."

• 42:09Speaker 02

  Right, right, right.

• 42:10Conan O'Brien?

  "I don't want mold on my sandwich. I'm sorry that someone else didn't get a sandwich 800 years ago."

• 42:14Speaker 02

  Right.

• 42:15Conan O'Brien?

  "God damn it, I want the good one."

• 42:16Speaker 02

  Yes, but also what if you did also have this kind of residual guilt that other people didn't have the sandwich? And your moldy sandwich is not something to even have pity for. You know what I mean? Like, there, there could be a version of you that goes like, "Oh my God, yeah, you're right. I'm feeling bad over something I haven't earned," you know?

• 42:31Conan O'Brien?

  Yes.

• 42:32Speaker 02

  Not that that's a good feeling to have, but I-

• 42:34Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I had a similar experience, you know, your movie is about, because this is based on something you've done. You and your wife, your family have taken trips. Poland is very important to you.

• 42:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. I mean, my family-

• 42:46Conan O'Brien?

  I'm telling you, I'm not asking you.

• 42:47Speaker 02

  Oh, thanks.

• 42:48Conan O'Brien?

  I'm just telling you that Poland is important to you.

• 42:50Speaker 02

  Are there any other countries I should look into as being important?

• 42:52Conan O'Brien?

  You're also into Guam.

• 42:53Speaker 02

  Okay. Okay, so protectorates, yes.

• 42:56Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 43:00Conan O'Brien?

  Man, you're chugging up the points left and right. Yeah. But I mean, I know that that's something that this reflects part of your life.

• 43:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly. Like the house we filmed the movie at, when the characters wind up at the end of the movie is the house my family lived in up until 1939. And yeah, my wife and I kind of took this trip, but not on like a guided tour and went to all these cities. And all the stories that the characters tell are basically just stories from my family. I just, you know, insert them in these kind of, you know, fictionalized ways.

• 43:28Conan O'Brien?

  Are you, is it right that you're trying to get Polish citizenship?

• 43:31Speaker 02

  I have a social security number in Poland, but I don't have my passport. Yeah, it's 17. And then the rest are Polish characters. So it doesn't translate. It's 17 Z W Z W C C W.

• 43:48Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, scammers, try and use that.

• 43:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, but I haven't got my passport and I was supposed to get my passport on Wednesday at the next Wednesday, like in several days, a few days from now, at the Polish Embassy in DC. And then I was just emailed last night, you're not getting it there. And so I don't know, I've been like chasing this thing for a while.

• 44:03Conan O'Brien?

  That would be so cool to have a, I can, I have some envy here because I, my, I'm 100% Irish.

• 44:11Speaker 02

  Right.

• 44:11Conan O'Brien?

  And, but the rule is your, I think your grandfather had to have been from Ireland.

• 44:20Speaker 02

  Right.

• 44:20Conan O'Brien?

  And it's my great grandfather, so I do not qualify. But I've always thought, wouldn't it be amazing to have an Irish passport?

• 44:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:30Conan O'Brien?

  Because I could, I could flee if there's an issue. Yeah, and I could escape from my crimes, my heinous crimes. And, uh, what's that?

• 44:39Speaker 01

  Don't, don't go anywhere.

• 44:40Conan O'Brien?

  You want me to stick around?

• 44:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, I like this job.

• 44:43Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, okay.

• 44:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 44:44Conan O'Brien?

  He'll get, he'll get another Conan O'Brien. There's always another Conan O'Brien.

• 44:46Speaker 02

  And you could do it remotely.

• 44:47Conan O'Brien?

  Exactly.

• 44:48Speaker 02

  You know, Ireland has many wonderful studios.

• 44:51Conan O'Brien?

  In a van, just like you.

• 44:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly.

• 44:54Conan O'Brien?

  But I had the experience of going back to Ireland to shoot a show, this travel show we did for Max. And, you know, we're, I'm doing, shooting a lot of comedy and a lot of very silly stuff. And then there was one part where this woman took me to the actual. Plot of land that my uh that my great grandfather lived on. And I get there and I'm looking at this beautiful view.

• 45:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:15Conan O'Brien?

  Gorgeous view of the Gobbling Mountains and like the ice and my heart started to melt a bit. Yeah, I did. I felt very and I said to her, I said, God, look at this view. And this is where he lives. She said, yeah, they lived in a. The shack is gone now, but this is where they lived and I've looked at the records and it would have been basically a one. One or two rooms and they lived here and um uh and I'm looking at it and feeling very emotional and I said, well, this is so beautiful here. Cause it was absolutely gorgeous. It was like an Irish Spring ad, you know, it was just a gorgeous. You know, leprechaun Ireland and mountains in the distance. And foolishly, I said to the woman, why did they, why, why did he leave?

• 45:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:57Conan O'Brien?

  And you know, and she said, because you can't eat the view.

• 46:00Speaker 02

  Oh, my God.

• 46:01Conan O'Brien?

  She's and it was.

• 46:02Speaker 02

  That's the tagline for Ireland.

• 46:03Conan O'Brien?

  I know.

• 46:06Conan O'Brien?

  But I mean, it was very powerful.

• 46:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:08Conan O'Brien?

  They had, there was not enough food. Uh, they didn't, you know, and she's just like, yeah, they're good. That's beautiful mountains. You can't eat the feckin' mountains. You they had to go. Well, I added second. I'm making her more of a character now. How you can't eat the fucking mountains, can you? And then there was a burst of smoke and she turned into a bat.

• 46:32Speaker 01

  Jesus.

• 46:32Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. And she went.

• 46:36Conan O'Brien?

  And um.

• 46:37Speaker 02

  That's pretty amazing.

• 46:38Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, but.

• 46:39Speaker 02

  Were you surprised that the feeling snuck up on you?

• 46:41Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, I was. Whenever I have any kind of emotion, I am shocked and dismayed.

• 46:46Speaker 02

  Was it something specific? Like, did you think, oh, that man would have looked at this view?

• 46:51Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, I was thinking that man would have looked at this. He had to go. I also knew very sad things about him. He, he uh. Back then, there was no going back. There was no writing to people. There was no, I mean, a lot of people left. They went to America. My people went to central Massachusetts to farm country and starting, but. This relative of mine who left uh struggled with alcoholism and it was a real problem for him and. Uh, and just.

• 47:23Conan O'Brien?

  When people have said to me, "Oh, are you in touch with the people back home in Ireland?" Well, no, there was no keeping in touch with anybody.

• 47:28Speaker 02

  Right.

• 47:29Conan O'Brien?

  They just went, you know, it was very dark.

• 47:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:32Conan O'Brien?

  It was a very, and, and so anyway, I, your story, your movie had some resonance for me as it would for, I mean, I think so many people, so many of us are immigrants. We're all immigrants and it's much discussed in the news now, but all of us have, that's, all of us have moved on and all of us have come here and we're all curious about where we came from. And it does sneak up on you. It gets, it gets emotional in a strange way.

• 48:02Speaker 02

  I had like a similar experience to you. I'm like rarely always on the edge of emotions and maybe you're not. And so I think I had almost like the X-ray inverse of your experience. I went to this house, again, we filmed this movie there, but 2008, my wife and I went to this house that my family was from.

• 48:19Conan O'Brien?

  And it's the, it's the house that I've seen in the movie, yeah.

• 48:22Speaker 02

  Yeah. And with a view you could eat and.

• 48:27Conan O'Brien?

  Mountains made of meatballs. A pastrami volcano.

• 48:32Speaker 02

  Come to Poland, a view you can eat.

• 48:36Speaker 02

  Not like Ireland where you.

• 48:39Speaker 02

  Not the, not the.

• 48:40Conan O'Brien?

  It is, it basically is Candyland.

• 48:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:43Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, let's go to Gumdrop Mountain.

• 48:46Speaker 02

  Not those gross views.

• 48:50Speaker 02

  Look at those inedible, anyway, nonetheless, there's.

• 48:54Conan O'Brien?

  Poland, better than Ireland.

• 48:56Speaker 02

  In terms of the views you can eat. But basically like, so my wife and I went to this house and I knew so much about the house and forgive me for like taking this and.

• 49:05Conan O'Brien?

  That's okay, go for it.

• 49:06Speaker 02

  Like forgive me for taking this in like kind of like a, you know, bleak direction. But you know, what happened in the house was like, my family owned this dry goods store on the corner of this, of this town square. In, in this nice, very nice town in Poland and they were friends with the Poles. I, I mean, I know this from, cause I'm, they're survivors. They were really good, well-liked in the town. And in 1939, they were taken out of their house. They were taken to the cemetery, which is like two blocks away and they were shot like point blank and. Then Mike, Mike, you know, um, we actually parked our trailers when we were shooting there outside the cemetery. So this whole town was kind of fraught with not only memories that, um, I had, let me put it this way. In 2008, I went to this house and I expected to have very much the experience you just described.

• 49:48Speaker 02

  That I would be overwhelmed with this feeling of catharsis and a kind of like immediately, uh, you know, resonant feeling of connection. And, um, I really didn't. And what was interesting like about that strange disconnect for me was like, I just had this feeling of like, oh yeah, we don't belong here anymore, you know, um, and, uh, uh, that was kind of depressing. And like, I was standing out there for a while, like with my wife, and then we're just basically loitering, you know, in front of this building in this town square. And I just had this feeling of, oh, right. Uh, uh, none of us are here anymore. And then I had this other weird feeling is when I was going into that town. I guess I assumed I would see people that look like me and I didn't. And, you know, there are no Jews left in the town. And so it was this weird thing. It was an emptiness I was left with, not the catharsis that I was expecting to have.

• 50:33Conan O'Brien?

  Well, it's always difficult to feel the pressure to have an emotion. Because that's not how it's supposed to work.

• 50:41Speaker 02

  That's true.

• 50:42Conan O'Brien?

  And, um, this is reminding me, uh, I've shot a bunch of shows around the world because I'm just very fascinated. I, I, you know, have a real wanderlust and I, I loved my talk show days. But I was always very jealous when someone like you would sit down next to me and, you know, next to, you know, Jesse Eisenberg, dun, dun, dun, dun, Jesse, how are you? Well, I'm good. I just got back from Budapest where I was with it. And I would think, I've never been there and I have to be in this seat I get to. I loved it. So the minute I started to invent this way to go to these different countries and one of the countries that we went to was Armenia.

• 51:19Conan O'Brien?

  And Sona came with me and we were shooting all this very fun stuff in Armenia and, uh, silly things. And you and I are dressing up as shepherds and we're in fields and we're wearing, you know, so we were shooting all this stuff. And then, uh, we went to.

• 51:38Speaker 01

  We went to the genocide memorial.

• 51:39Conan O'Brien?

  The genocide memorial and suddenly, I mean, we're not idiots. I didn't go thinking, oh, that's gonna be fun, you know.

• 51:48Speaker 01

  We'll get some good comedy here.

• 51:49Conan O'Brien?

  I'm not a monster. Hey, why am I feeling these feelings?

• 51:54Speaker 02

  What is this water coming out of my face?

• 51:58Conan O'Brien?

  But, but we went there and it was, um, well, you take over.

• 52:03Speaker 01

  Oh, it was heavy. It was really heavy. I mean, I'd, I'd never been to Armenia. I am Armenian.

• 52:08Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, oh, oh.

• 52:08Speaker 01

  I felt a lot of what Conan was saying about how you get the, I was crying the entire time I was there, I feel like. But then I saw my dad's village engraved in the, in the, in the wall of all the villages that were affected by the genocide. And I, it's like, I instantly just felt some kind of connection to my grandparents. It was like, I'm feeling emotional talking about it now. It's, it was amazing. It was one of probably the most like heart wrenching moments of my life.

• 52:35Conan O'Brien?

  Were you also not expecting?

• 52:37Speaker 01

  I wasn't. I was not expecting to feel that overwhelmed about it.

• 52:40Conan O'Brien?

  Mm hmm.

• 52:41Speaker 01

  I don't know. I mean, I think that something just like got very triggered in me and it was, you, you suddenly feel very connected to your past.

• 52:48Conan O'Brien?

  Exactly.

• 52:49Speaker 01

  Yeah. It puts, it puts everything into a very different perspective.

• 52:52Conan O'Brien?

  Also, I, I always have, I don't know if you felt this or you felt that, but I, I'm so lucky to be here.

• 52:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:58Conan O'Brien?

  That's the feeling I have.

• 52:59Speaker 02

  Of course.

• 52:59Speaker 01

  We're luck, we're lucky.

• 53:01Conan O'Brien?

  That, yes, that I'm enraged by people. We live in this world where, you know, we're in this business. We're extremely fortunate and the thing that really angers me is when, when people act entitled. I just, it makes me insane, except when I do it.

• 53:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, of course.

• 53:20Conan O'Brien?

  But no, I, I get very angry at entitlement. I profoundly understand that I'm here because a lot of

• 53:28Speaker 02

  Of course.

• 53:28Conan O'Brien?

  people, you know, this relative of mine, and it's not that long ago, late 19th century, said, I gotta go.

• 53:36Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 53:37Conan O'Brien?

  And walked out of that town, made it to central Massachusetts and there's all these other people that come after that that don't get one, one billionth of my, uh, opportunities.

• 53:50Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 53:50Conan O'Brien?

  And then I'm here and standing on millions of shoulders, you know? And so that's the feeling I have. And I, I, I do think, without getting overtly political, people forget that. People think I'm here because I made this happen.

• 54:07Speaker 02

  Of course.

• 54:07Conan O'Brien?

  And I think, I, no, I didn't, I've made some things happen in my life.

• 54:12Speaker 02

  Right. But in the context of opportunity.

• 54:14Conan O'Brien?

  In the context of amazing opportunities that everyone else provided for me.

• 54:18Speaker 02

  You especially. Um, no, I'm kidding.

• 54:20Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. All right. Eisenberg!

• 54:27Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, I don't know what it's like to be blessed with talent. But I did what I had to do.

• 54:37Conan O'Brien?

  But no, it's like, it's, uh, it's, it's such a, you know, going back to, this film you made is about a lot. It's, it's interesting. It's a, it's a very lovely film that's a very, and it's, it sounds crazy. It's very enjoyable to watch. It's a really good movie. Uh, and it's beautifully scored and it's beautifully directed. And you guys are terrific actors and it's got so much lightness in it and it's got, uh, obviously it has some, some heaviness in it as well. But it's, um, you know, it's about, it's about so much. And it's not, and it's, it's not overt in that way, but it's just, it's one of those films where I watched it and I just thought, okay, I have,

• 55:22Conan O'Brien?

  this is making me feel all kinds of stuff in a very good way.

• 55:25Speaker 02

  Oh, that's so nice.

• 55:26Conan O'Brien?

  And I'm an unfeeling man.

• 55:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, that says a lot. That you had any experience of sentience watching it.

• 55:36Speaker 02

  Is just the goal.

• 55:37Conan O'Brien?

  Why do I invite you back? I don't understand. I think I like the punishment, don't you?

• 55:43Speaker 01

  I think you do.

• 55:44Speaker 02

  I really like it.

• 55:45Speaker 01

  It's grounding here.

• 55:46Conan O'Brien?

  It is. Yeah, I need grounding.

• 55:48Speaker 01

  Yes, you need some humility.

• 55:49Conan O'Brien?

  I do.

• 55:51Speaker 02

  I've been sent in here by your wife.

• 55:57Conan O'Brien?

  I saw on our MX bill a $200,000 charge.

• 56:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:01Conan O'Brien?

  For, for, it said Eisenberg therapy. I didn't know.

• 56:05Speaker 02

  It's a speaking fee.

• 56:07Speaker 02

  I'm treating this like a state college.

• 56:12Conan O'Brien?

  Well, listen, I, congratulations on a real pain. And this is not just me. Uh, everybody is talking about this film. Uh, and I know it's award season, but, uh, people are abuzz about this film and rightly so. And congratulations and, um, and also just, uh, you know, I'm, I'm very proud to know you. I, I, no, I really do. I'm, I'm proud to know you. You have a lot of character. And I know you're tough on yourself. And you're a real human being, which doesn't always happen in this town. And so just a joy to have you here.

• 56:47Speaker 02

  Thank you so much. That's so nice of you to say. Thank you for always being supportive of me.

• 56:51Conan O'Brien?

  Well, we're gonna edit all this out.

• 56:52Speaker 02

  Sure. Okay.

• 56:53Conan O'Brien?

  And then we're gonna add it. Once you leave, I stay for an hour. And it's just Eisenberg zingers.

• 57:00Speaker 02

  Got it, got it, got it.

• 57:01Conan O'Brien?

  And then we tape in you going, "Huh?"

• 57:06Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I can't keep up. I can't keep up with Conan. And I'm like, "Yeah, another thing, Eisenberg. Zing, zing, zing, zing, zing."

• 57:14Speaker 02

  Oh, he got me.

• 57:14Conan O'Brien?

  How did he know?

• 57:17Conan O'Brien?

  He's probably the funniest guy I've ever met. Hey, why does he sound like Jimmy Stewart? I don't know.

• 57:23Speaker 02

  You only bought the Jimmy Stewart AI voice?

• 57:27Speaker 02

  We all just get...

• 57:30Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I made this movie. It's called Real Pain. I go back to, "I'm gonna Poland, you see." Man, Conan, you're the funniest, funniest character I've ever met. And I swear to God, I've met them all.

• 57:46Speaker 02

  I just love the idea that Jimmy Stewart's from anywhere like Poland.

• 57:50Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, my people, we had to, you know, had to leave Poland. We're in a stedle. You got any borscht on ya? I like a borscht.

• 57:59Speaker 02

  Mr. Smith goes to cross nostalgia.

• 58:04Conan O'Brien?

  God bless you.

• 58:05Speaker 02

  You too.

• 58:05Conan O'Brien?

  Jesse Eisenberg, man.

• 58:06Speaker 02

  Thanks a lot.

• 58:14Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right? Yeah, I love awards. Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen, you know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 58:31Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 58:32Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from U.S. News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 58:40Speaker 01

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 58:45Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5 N, which I love.

• 58:48Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 58:49Conan O'Brien?

  Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 59:04Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 59:05Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space. With available, I had this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA-estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty, it's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View U.S. News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 59:39Conan O'Brien?

  Sona, you have to admit, the holidays, it's really about hanging with the people you love.

• 59:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:46Conan O'Brien?

  And getting to be yourself, not going to some stuffy holiday party where you need to conform to what the man wants you to think about the holidays.

• 59:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:55Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's about being yourself. Turn your holiday time into Miller time by enjoying a Miller Lite in a place where you're free to enjoy yourself on a walk with a cousin. With a cousin? Why are they getting all specific about?

• 1:00:06Speaker 01

  Because it's family.

• 1:00:07Conan O'Brien?

  But what about a niece or a nephew?

• 1:00:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:11Conan O'Brien?

  Like a walk with an ex-wife?

• 1:00:14Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know. I mean, they're just throwing, that's a weird, they just made a very specific choice.

• 1:00:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:18Conan O'Brien?

  Now's the time for those unexpected holiday side guests and enjoy a great tasting light beer. 'Tis Miller time, as Dickens wrote.

• 1:00:26Conan O'Brien?

  Miller Lite is brewed for taste, the taste you can depend on. The original light beer since 1975 and still iconic more than 50 years later. I like to be with my bros, my chums, my posse. Crack open a Miller Lite, take a swig, a sip, look around and see my friends. We've known each other forever and we're just hanging out.

• 1:00:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, you guys are just doing chest bumps and high fiving.

• 1:00:48Conan O'Brien?

  Miller Lite is great taste done right. Go to millerlite.com/conan to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. 'Tis Miller time. Celebrate responsibly Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

• 1:01:08Conan O'Brien?

  This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. BetterHelp therapists can help you figure out what rules or traditions aren't serving you and how to rewrite them. And with insurance, many members pay $15 or less. Some pay $0. BetterHelp, they do a great job. You're in good hands. BetterHelp therapists are fully licensed in the United States with at least three years and 1,000 hours of hands-on experience. When it comes to matching with a therapist, BetterHelp does the initial work for you. Just take a short questionnaire to help identify your needs. And if you're not happy with your match, this is the best part. A lot of people think, oh my God, this is the person I've signed up with. I need to make this work. That's not the case. If it's not a good match, you switch to a different therapist at any time

• 1:01:51Conan O'Brien?

  from BetterHelp's tailored recommendations. BetterHelp is now in network with more than 125 health plans with many copays as low as $15 for eligible members. And if you don't have eligible insurance or live outside the US, you can still get 20% off your first month. Sign up and get 20% off at betterhelp.com/conan. That's better H E L P dot com slash Conan.

• 1:02:19Conan O'Brien?

  Sona, recently you met someone out in the wild, and I think that's about to lead us into an interesting journey.

• 1:02:25Speaker 01

  I need to talk about what happened to me on Saturday. Because I hosted all day, and it was so much fun. I hosted the Pasadena Armenian Festival.

• 1:02:34Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, wow.

• 1:02:35Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 1:02:35Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, I'm... No, I was just curious. I was just curious who they got after I turned them down.

• 1:02:43Conan O'Brien?

  And then I turned them down. Yeah.

• 1:02:44Speaker 01

  Oh, then you?

• 1:02:45Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, they called me, and I was like, well, I can't do it. And then Gorley was like, no, thanks. Um, which was really rude, no thanks. I had a legitimate excuse. So, wait, this is exciting. What happened?

• 1:02:55Speaker 01

  I had posted up on Instagram that I was gonna be at this thing to just kind of help promote it. And I had a few of our fans, who aren't even Armenian, come to the festival to come meet me.

• 1:03:06Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, that's cool.

• 1:03:06Speaker 01

  Which was honestly really cool.

• 1:03:08Conan O'Brien?

  So, so, these are non-Armenians coming to an Armenian festival?

• 1:03:13Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:03:13Conan O'Brien?

  Wow. And, uh, and see? What did I tell you long ago? We...

• 1:03:18Speaker 01

  I have no idea.

• 1:03:19Conan O'Brien?

  We unify people.

• 1:03:21Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:03:21Conan O'Brien?

  We do, we bring people together.

• 1:03:23Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:03:23Conan O'Brien?

  Just say, yes, you're right.

• 1:03:25Speaker 01

  Sure, yeah, okay, yes, you're right.

• 1:03:28Conan O'Brien?

  And the evidence is there, because the country seems pretty unified. Yeah. I brought us together.

• 1:03:33Speaker 01

  So, can I ca... Can I give a shout out to a couple of people who came?

• 1:03:36Conan O'Brien?

  Sure.

• 1:03:37Speaker 01

  Da... His... Daniel came with his girlfriend, Michelle.

• 1:03:40Conan O'Brien?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:03:40Speaker 01

  Daniel's a fan. Michelle doesn't listen, so we could just forget Michelle.

• 1:03:43Conan O'Brien?

  Well, then what the fuck did you bring her up for?

• 1:03:47Conan O'Brien?

  What's wrong with her? If he's listening, what is she doing? Just plugging her ears?

• 1:03:52Speaker 01

  And then Mary Ann and Dean came. This... So, they came all the way from, I think, the Midwest. They, they drove all the way out here.

• 1:04:00Conan O'Brien?

  No, they didn't.

• 1:04:01Speaker 01

  Not for me specifically. They came for something else, but then I was like, a stop. So, I'm just gonna tell myself it was for, for me.

• 1:04:07Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, they didn't drive from the Midwest to go to an Armenian festival.

• 1:04:10Speaker 01

  No, they didn't. But they, they did. Let's just say they did. Um, but they... So, Dean and Mary Ann, I met them. They're lovely people. Dean, I find out, writes fanfiction about you. He writes, he writes it about a lot of things, but he also writes a lot of Conan O'Brien-specific fanfiction.

• 1:04:29Conan O'Brien?

  Wow, I'm not... I have to say, I am not familiar with the genre of fanfiction. I've heard about it, but I'm not familiar with what it actually entails. So, he's writing fictitious things that happened to me?

• 1:04:40Speaker 04

  You're leaving out a major descriptor.

• 1:04:42Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 1:04:43Speaker 01

  It's explicit.

• 1:04:44Conan O'Brien?

  It's erotic fanfiction.

• 1:04:46Speaker 01

  It's erotic fa- it's erotic fanfiction.

• 1:04:48Conan O'Brien?

  That doesn't surprise me.

• 1:04:49Speaker 01

  Oh, it, it really surprised me.

• 1:04:52Conan O'Brien?

  I am an erotic, I am an erotic character. I'm a, I, I.

• 1:04:55Speaker 04

  Neurotic, you're thinking neurotic.

• 1:04:57Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, aren't they the same? Yeah. Um, I, uh, I think I ha- I exude a sexuality.

• 1:05:03Speaker 01

  It's funny you say that, cause I was like, really Conan? And I'm like, he's just, you know, he's very, he's like, I was like, you know, I was talking to Dean and Mary Anne and I said, he's just a very kind of repressed, got this repressed Catholic energy. And he said, a lot of the fanfiction that he writes comes from you, like, coming out of your repression.

• 1:05:24Conan O'Brien?

  Breaking out.

• 1:05:25Speaker 01

  Breaking out of your repression.

• 1:05:27Conan O'Brien?

  See, this guy gets me. His name is Dean?

• 1:05:29Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:05:29Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, let me tell you something. When someone's repressed, if anything, it means there's more sexual energy. Because it's trapped. It is.

• 1:05:37Speaker 01

  I guess, you're right, you're right.

• 1:05:38Conan O'Brien?

  So when you say like, I never think of you as, eh, eh, you're so repressed, yes, yes. A volcano, just before it blows.

• 1:05:48Conan O'Brien?

  Shooting its hot lava.

• 1:05:50Speaker 01

  Oh, gross. Come on.

• 1:05:52Speaker 04

  Oh, god.

• 1:05:52Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:05:53Conan O'Brien?

  Uh-oh, I, now I'm thinking, I know what Gourley's up to, cause he's looking at his phone.

• 1:05:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05:57Conan O'Brien?

  And he's either, either there's a 1940s hat sale in the area.

• 1:06:01Speaker 04

  My erotic fixation.

• 1:06:05Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, wow. Hamburg, yeah, um.

• 1:06:07Speaker 01

  I'm, I mean, I, I looked at just the descriptions, I said, pass. I can't do it.

• 1:06:12Speaker 04

  I'm gonna take us through some of these. For instance, here's one.

• 1:06:14Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 1:06:15Speaker 04

  This is a short introduction, but there's a ton of tags on this, like nipple licking.

• 1:06:20Speaker 01

  Oh, god.

• 1:06:20Speaker 04

  Not looking for constructive criticism, smut, porn with feelings, blowjobs. Okay, here it is. Receiving an autograph and a hug from her giant ginger idol following a live taping of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, would have been more than enough for Lily. But after he waves goodbye to the crowd, she realized Conan left a lot more than his signature behind. What does that mean?

• 1:06:44Speaker 01

  You don't listen, you know, so you never read, I love fanfiction.

• 1:06:46Speaker 04

  Yeah, but what does that mean?

• 1:06:47Conan O'Brien?

  I think you jizzed on the autograph.

• 1:06:48Speaker 01

  Oh, girl, I think he like left her, his info and then they had like a dalliance after.

• 1:06:52Speaker 04

  What are you talking about?

• 1:06:54Speaker 01

  Run-de-hoo.

• 1:06:55Speaker 04

  She's supposed to code his DNA.

• 1:06:56Speaker 01

  You said, you thought he jizzed on.

• 1:06:58Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, you're going down an awful road.

• 1:07:00Speaker 04

  I am meeting these people at their level. Let me remind you of some of these tags.

• 1:07:04Conan O'Brien?

  First of all, this is not fiction. I remember Lily.

• 1:07:10Speaker 04

  Teasing, dirty talk, blowjobs, face fuck.

• 1:07:14Conan O'Brien?

  Wait, wait, wait.

• 1:07:14Speaker 01

  Don't read the text.

• 1:07:16Conan O'Brien?

  So you can click on any of these and it will lead to something about me in that scenario? Or no?

• 1:07:20Speaker 04

  There's just tons and tons of these.

• 1:07:22Speaker 01

  No, there's, he's, he's got, his, his, the website is, can I just say the website? So people can go read it?

• 1:07:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, let's help this guy.

• 1:07:29Speaker 01

  The website is called archiveofourown.org. He needs DRH paints and he's got a lot of Conan specific fanfiction.

• 1:07:37Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 1:07:38Speaker 01

  I do think-

• 1:07:38Conan O'Brien?

  And it's erotica.

• 1:07:39Speaker 01

  It's, it's, it's a lot of erotica and it's very explicit. Cause that's the fun part about fanfiction.

• 1:07:45Speaker 04

  Recently engaged, Conan enjoys a low-key celebration with fiance Natasha at a Red Sox game where they get frisky in one of the VIP suites.

• 1:07:53Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:07:55Conan O'Brien?

  A bunch of things here. I am married, her name's not Natasha, uh, and I've never been invited to a Red Sox VIP suite. Nor, nor what I, the Affleck's are always in there.

• 1:08:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:08:06Speaker 04

  After an aggravating day alongside Detective Terry Seattle, when asked to question another of captivating Keith's former assistants, Conan finds the enchanting Eden has more than a few tricks up her sleeve.

• 1:08:17Speaker 01

  This is fun stuff.

• 1:08:19Conan O'Brien?

  I'm-

• 1:08:19Speaker 01

  And I think it's very flattering. I mean, like, you know, there was an entire movie series, the after movie series that was based on fanfiction written about Harry Styles.

• 1:08:28Conan O'Brien?

  Right.

• 1:08:28Speaker 01

  Like, it's, I just-

• 1:08:29Speaker 04

  Do you think there's movie material here?

• 1:08:31Speaker 01

  I'm just saying, I'm like, I, I just think it's very flattering when people choose you as like a main character in any sort of literary kind of take they have on anything.

• 1:08:41Conan O'Brien?

  This might be one of the best things that, that's ever happened to me.

• 1:08:44Speaker 01

  Oh, I don't, okay.

• 1:08:45Conan O'Brien?

  Maybe went too far.

• 1:08:46Speaker 04

  After getting a taste of the submissive lifestyle while filming Conan Without Borders in Berlin, Conan seeks out dominatrix Miss Andrea to fulfill his fantasies.

• 1:08:55Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? This person knows her stuff.

• 1:08:56Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah. We've, we've talked about that.

• 1:08:58Conan O'Brien?

  I shot a dominatrix segment, uh, in Berlin and, um, I'm still in pain from it.

• 1:09:05Speaker 04

  Oh, I see. These are lead-ins to the full, you have to kind of click through to get to the whole story.

• 1:09:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, these are just the beginning. You're leading just the, these are just the-

• 1:09:13Speaker 04

  Here's a good one. Conan attends his 40th high school reunion where he finds out Lolly, a fellow former student turned Brookline history teacher secretly pined after him in their youth.

• 1:09:23Speaker 01

  Ah, God.

• 1:09:24Conan O'Brien?

  Wait, so we're-

• 1:09:25Speaker 04

  It's called Not Too Late.

• 1:09:26Conan O'Brien?

  It is too late. It's way too late. It should be called way too late. Their hips clicked as they entwined.

• 1:09:37Speaker 04

  Eventually, this is-

• 1:09:37Conan O'Brien?

  "My skin hurts," said Conan. "What was that?" said his sexual partner. "I can't hear you because of my oldness."

• 1:09:54Conan O'Brien?

  "Ow, it hurts," Conan yelled, peeing pure blood into the toilet.

• 1:10:02Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 1:10:03Speaker 04

  Oh my god. Lolly nodded, eyeliner making her gaze appear smoky yet skittish. "Yeah, yeah, that sounds great." Uh, Conan's tongue wet his lips. My hotel-

• 1:10:13Conan O'Brien?

  Wet lips?

• 1:10:14Speaker 01

  I'm done, I'm done. I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't read it.

• 1:10:17Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, this is terrible.

• 1:10:18Speaker 01

  And I can't hear it.

• 1:10:19Speaker 04

  Hold on, we got, this is getting good.

• 1:10:21Conan O'Brien?

  But I'm glad someone is finally seeing me as a sexual being. Because I've been ignored too long in that category. And that's just what a sexual person would say. "For far too long, my sexual outtie is not conceived," said the dynamo, the lothario.

• 1:10:41Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 1:10:42Conan O'Brien?

  Oh my god.

• 1:10:43Speaker 01

  No, Matt, if you keep reading it, I'm gonna burn this entire building down to the ground. I can't do it.

• 1:10:48Speaker 04

  Mouth stalling at her clavicle.

• 1:10:49Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 1:10:51Speaker 04

  Conan rose.

• 1:10:52Speaker 01

  It's stop.

• 1:10:53Conan O'Brien?

  Wait, say it again.

• 1:10:54Speaker 04

  Mouth stalling at her clavicle.

• 1:10:56Conan O'Brien?

  What does that mean, stalling?

• 1:10:57Speaker 04

  Like, I think you're working your mouth-

• 1:10:58Speaker 01

  You're working your way-

• 1:10:59Speaker 04

  Oh, I should read the line before it here. Okay, here we go. Unsure-

• 1:11:03Conan O'Brien?

  I'm always unsure in these situations. What's happening?

• 1:11:07Speaker 04

  Unsure precisely when Conan sprang her breasts free. Mouth stalling at her clavicle, Conan rose. Eyes and ocean churning with uncertainty and craving.

• 1:11:16Speaker 01

  Okay, can we stop?

• 1:11:17Speaker 04

  Excuse me, ma'am. How rough do you like it? No blinking, exhalations audible. Lolly studied him in silence, features set. I want to eat, oh, I can't.

• 1:11:27Conan O'Brien?

  Can I just say one thing?

• 1:11:27Speaker 01

  Stop. I have to stop now.

• 1:11:30Speaker 04

  I just wanted to say-

• 1:11:30Conan O'Brien?

  Can I always, can I say, can I say one thing? I always pause at the clavicle.

• 1:11:35Speaker 04

  Do you? That's your move? That's your signature move?

• 1:11:37Conan O'Brien?

  My signature move is the clavicle pause.

• 1:11:40Speaker 04

  Oh my god, this is...

• 1:11:41Conan O'Brien?

  Stop it!

• 1:11:41Speaker 04

  I'm not gonna read it.

• 1:11:42Speaker 01

  I know, you have to stop. I'm gonna fucking punch your face.

• 1:11:45Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, you keep saying...

• 1:11:46Speaker 01

  I'm gonna just shut your fucking mouth.

• 1:11:48Conan O'Brien?

  Matt, Matt, you're getting turned on.

• 1:11:50Speaker 01

  Don't shut up.

• 1:11:51Conan O'Brien?

  He's getting turned on.

• 1:11:51Speaker 01

  I'm gonna stab you.

• 1:11:52Speaker 04

  I didn't know you had a fork to dick.

• 1:11:53Speaker 01

  Okay!

• 1:11:54Conan O'Brien?

  It's actually, it's more of a sport.

• 1:11:56Speaker 01

  It needs to stop now.

• 1:11:57Speaker 04

  I'm just saying, this gets...

• 1:11:58Conan O'Brien?

  It's a fork.

• 1:11:59Speaker 01

  Fork?

• 1:11:59Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's a fork and a spoon. It's good for if you want yogurt after salad. We'll take a break, we'll be right back. I'm stopping you.

• 1:12:07Speaker 01

  You have to stop.

• 1:12:08Speaker 04

  I'm not starting me, I'm not gonna read this. This stuff is...

• 1:12:10Conan O'Brien?

  Well, then, stop, you're keep...

• 1:12:12Speaker 01

  I...

• 1:12:12Conan O'Brien?

  You keep doom scrolling through it.

• 1:12:14Speaker 04

  I'm not gonna read it out loud, I wanna know what's going on.

• 1:12:16Conan O'Brien?

  Just put it down.

• 1:12:17Speaker 04

  Man, hey...

• 1:12:18Conan O'Brien?

  Step away from the phone.

• 1:12:19Speaker 04

  You are a command of your faculties.

• 1:12:20Speaker 01

  I need to, I need to leave. I quit, I have to quit right now.

• 1:12:24Conan O'Brien?

  First of all, you brought this up.

• 1:12:26Speaker 01

  I'm done, I'm working here.

• 1:12:27Conan O'Brien?

  And you gave this person a forum.

• 1:12:28Speaker 01

  I know!

• 1:12:29Conan O'Brien?

  So now you just...

• 1:12:30Speaker 01

  He was really nice, and his girlfriend was really nice. And I thought, hey, this is fun.

• 1:12:34Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? It's nice to be appreciated. Let's put it that way.

• 1:12:38Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:12:39Conan O'Brien?

  And...

• 1:12:39Speaker 04

  Can you guys just be quiet? I'm trying to read.

• 1:12:41Speaker 01

  Oh god.

• 1:12:41Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, I'm, I'm gonna end the segment.

• 1:12:44Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:12:44Conan O'Brien?

  But, uh, thank, I'm glad that you hosted the Armenian ma-ma-ma event.

• 1:12:49Speaker 01

  It's a Pashtun Armenian festival.

• 1:12:50Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, yes, yes.

• 1:12:51Speaker 01

  It was a lovely day.

• 1:12:53Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it sounds like these people really care about your culture.

• 1:13:00Conan O'Brien?

  Sona's there, we can read her our smut! Um, well, anyway, thanks for caring and for sharing to our fans. Put that down, put the phone down. I wanna hear the phone.

• 1:13:10Speaker 04

  It's a real page turner. Oh god.

• 1:13:35Speaker 04

  Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

• 1:14:22Speaker 06

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  Shop gifts no love at Walmart.