Pod Insights Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend Conan Unboxes “Toy Story” Merch About this episode Conan contemplates reaching a whole new audience while unboxing more Toy Story 5 merch of his character Smarty Pants.
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Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
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0:43 Conan O'Brien? Now, Sona, clearly I'm a very important person to you.
0:45 Speaker 01 Yeah.
0:46 Conan O'Brien? Just accept the premise and we'll move ahead.
0:47 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:48 Conan O'Brien? I'm a very important person to you. What would you get me from Macy's for the holidays?
0:53 Speaker 01 A vase.
0:55 Conan O'Brien? No, I don't want a vase. I want something better.
0:57 Speaker 01 A jacket.
0:59 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, nice jacket. I love a nice jacket.
1:01 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah, that jacket. Nice jacket.
1:02 Conan O'Brien? So now you have to do it, because you said you would.
1:03 Speaker 01 Aw, man, I didn't know you were doing that.
1:05 Conan O'Brien? Well, I know the holidays are months away, but it's never too early, Sona, to find gifts that I will love, gifts I will wear, and surprises that make the season unforgettable for me. Macy's Gift Guide makes holiday shopping easy with beauty favorites, stylish fashion, jewelry, cozy essentials, must-have toys, home upgrades, and picks for every person on your list. Coach handbags, Breville appliances, Lego UG, and more all in one place. You can skip the scrolling and shop with confidence. Shop now in-store or online at macy's.com/giftguide.
1:43 Speaker 01 Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Wanna talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com/callconan. Okay, let's get started.
1:53 Speaker 02 So we're gonna do something a little different today. As we all know, Toy Story 5 came out, you play Smarty Pants. A few weeks ago, you were presented with the first ever toy of Smarty Pants, and you were really excited.
2:04 Conan O'Brien? Very excited.
2:04 Speaker 02 We have this giant Smarty Pants here.
2:06 Speaker 01 I know.
2:07 Conan O'Brien? That's great. Can I criticize your open for just a second?
2:09 Speaker 02 Yeah, anytime.
2:10 Conan O'Brien? You just glossed over Toy Story came out, and you're in it, stuff like that. It's the biggest movie
2:15 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
2:15 Conan O'Brien? in like, the history of the world.
2:17 Speaker 01 Oh.
2:17 Speaker 02 The history of the world?
2:18 Conan O'Brien? It's a massive, admit, it's a massive hit.
2:20 Speaker 02 It is huge.
2:21 Conan O'Brien? And, um, and something is sweeping through the country right now, which can only be called Smarty Pants mania.
2:27 Speaker 01 Oh, boy.
2:28 Conan O'Brien? And people are doing the Smarty Pants dance. Uh, it is everywhere, Smarty Pants. You know, all this talk about how Smarty Pants kinda is the movie.
2:36 Speaker 01 Oh.
2:36 Speaker 02 Do you have sources?
2:38 Speaker 01 Which, which character did you voice?
2:40 Conan O'Brien? Smarty Pants.
2:41 Speaker 01 Oh, okay, that's interesting.
2:42 Conan O'Brien? It just occurred to me which one. But anyway, you know, tons of articles are like, well, he, you know, Smarty Pants is the movie, and, oh, were there other characters? You know, who is this Bonnie in this Buzz?
2:52 Speaker 01 Oh.
2:55 Speaker 01 Toy Story blasphemy, how dare you?
2:57 Speaker 02 I just have to point out,
2:58 Speaker 01 How dare you?
2:59 Speaker 02 The like, day before we went to the Toy Story premiere, you were like, oh, man, what if, what if this isn't good? What if I'm the reason that this fails? Wow, you've really changed?
3:07 Conan O'Brien? Oh, I've changed. I've changed. I've decided, uh, I went from, oh, I don't wanna be the reason this Toy Story 5 goes down, to deciding that I'll take full credit for all of the movie's success.
3:19 Speaker 01 Oh, my god.
3:20 Conan O'Brien? People don't know, I did all of the animation.
3:23 Speaker 01 Oh.
3:23 Conan O'Brien? Yeah. Pixar was like, we're not sure how to do this. And I said, guys, guys, guys!
3:28 Speaker 01 Yeah.
3:28 Conan O'Brien? And I went in there and I took over.
3:29 Speaker 01 You're a real computer guy.
3:31 Conan O'Brien? Um, oh, man, am I a computer guy. I'm a real computerer.
3:35 Speaker 02 Oh, that's what, that's what they say.
3:37 Conan O'Brien? Yep.
3:38 Speaker 02 And you're so, you're just so humble about it, too.
3:40 Conan O'Brien? No, no, anyway, uh, now, I'm sure a lot of people have seen Toy Story 5. Just, if you're checking the numbers, it seems like
3:46 Speaker 01 Oh, god.
3:47 Conan O'Brien? It seems like everyone, I think everyone on Earth has seen it three times already. But a fourth time, always a good idea.
3:53 Speaker 01 Five for five.
3:56 Conan O'Brien? So, uh, my character Smarty Pants is a, uh, uh, he's one of the tech toys, but he's the first level of tech toy, like, the first tier. So, uh, just when they were starting to put tech into toys. And, um, he is a potty training device. It was my insistence. I've been waiting for years. I've had many offers to do animation. And I always said, come to me when it's a toilet training device. This was my insidious time.
4:24 Speaker 01 Or did they, I mean, like, it looks like a roll of toilet paper.
4:27 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
4:29 Speaker 01 And it has a number one and a number two button.
4:31 Conan O'Brien? Yes, yes.
4:32 Speaker 01 And is there any part of you?
4:33 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
4:34 Speaker 01 That's like, why me for this specific device?
4:39 Conan O'Brien? As I told them, when they came to me and described the character, I said, I feel seen for the first time.
4:42 Speaker 02 It just felt right?
4:43 Conan O'Brien? Really seen. They see the real me.
4:46 Speaker 01 Ah.
4:46 Conan O'Brien? So, yeah, uh, and, and of course, now I'm told there's Smarty Pants merch.
4:52 Speaker 02 Yes, so we showed you the one toy a few weeks ago.
4:54 Conan O'Brien? And let me just point out, and I think I should point this out, I don't get a piece of this merch. Um, I, I've tried, you know, they said, do you want to be in Toy Story 5? And I said, yes. And they said, and then I said, uh, is there gonna be any merch for my character? And they went, yes, there will be. And I went, well, I demand it. And they said, do you want to be in Toy Story 5 or not? And they went, yes, please.
5:15 Speaker 02 You pulled it fast.
5:16 Conan O'Brien? So, yeah, I sure showed them.
5:18 Speaker 01 Yeah.
5:19 Conan O'Brien? So I don't profit in any way. I just thought this would be fun. Take a look.
5:22 Speaker 01 Go up against Disney.
5:24 Conan O'Brien? All right, what's the first one, David?
5:25 Speaker 02 All right, first one is this little play scale. It's you and your little friends from the movie.
5:28 Conan O'Brien? Oh, it's all my buddies from the movie. Let's see who's here. Well, look at that.
5:33 Speaker 02 Aww.
5:33 Conan O'Brien? Look at that. So you got Smarty Pants right here. That's a, he's adorable. There's Jessie. Jessie's got her hat.
5:39 Speaker 01 Jessie's the best.
5:40 Conan O'Brien? Good for, for sun protection and, uh...
5:42 Speaker 02 That's why, that's why she wears it.
5:44 Conan O'Brien? I like any character that's being serious about sun protection. Uh, so Atlas, Snappy, and then of course, there's Smarty Pants here. And, uh, what a lovely set. I think people should get this set. And if you do think I should have had a piece of the merch, feel free to send me money.
6:01 Speaker 02 You want the fans to send you money?
6:03 Conan O'Brien? I think fans, if they really enjoy playing with their Smarty Pants, if they were nice and sensitive...
6:09 Speaker 02 Move on. There's another playset, a few more characters in this one. We have Forky, Lily Pad, Buzz, and Woody up top.
6:15 Conan O'Brien? Okay. And why am I on the lower level? I'm sorry.
6:19 Speaker 01 Wow.
6:20 Speaker 02 Well, once you take them out, there are no levels.
6:23 Conan O'Brien? Very nice. But no, this is the thing my agent should have been on top of. I mean, I love Forky. We all love Forky, but come on. I should be, I should be up here. So that's the kind of thing, I'm gonna get to Rick Rosen right after this segment. And I'm gonna chew him a new asshole. I'm right there, though, with my typical, look at that, smarty pants sideways. He give him a side eye.
6:45 Speaker 02 The one eyebrow raise?
6:46 Conan O'Brien? The old one eyebrow raise, that is, man, that's smarty pants. Hey, wait a minute, I don't like this. Woody gets his own box. Oh, gosh. Forky, all these guys, and then you get to my box. And look at that. I share a box with Atlas, Snappy, and then me. That's not gonna happen in the future either. I want my own box!
7:05 Speaker 01 Uh, aren't you a trio?
7:07 Speaker 02 Yeah, you guys are all connected by like a USB.
7:09 Conan O'Brien? I'm not kidding anybody! Smarty pants.
7:12 Speaker 02 Hey, chill.
7:14 Conan O'Brien? You know what? I probably went too far there.
7:16 Speaker 01 Well, your toy in this one is also on a stand with the two other characters.
7:20 Conan O'Brien? Not if you have a power saw.
7:24 Speaker 02 Here, also, you can get this in a Kellogg's cereal box.
7:26 Conan O'Brien? Oh, look at this! If you get Kellogg's cereal, you get a little, uh, smarty pants card. But then look at this. You turn it around and it's a Woody toy.
7:36 Speaker 01 It's Woody.
7:37 Conan O'Brien? What is that? They're using me!
7:39 Speaker 02 This one's also Woody?
7:40 Conan O'Brien? Look at this, they're using me to sell Woody. That's wrong. That's just wrong. Another thing I gotta talk to WME about. Oh, boy.
7:48 Speaker 02 We have so many, so many calls to me.
7:50 Conan O'Brien? The calls that are going to my agents, my various reps.
7:53 Speaker 01 You should go to battle with Pixar, for sure. I think it'll be a good move.
7:57 Conan O'Brien? They're shaking in their cartoon boots right now.
8:02 Conan O'Brien? I'll chase that lamp all across North America.
8:06 Conan O'Brien? It'll be hawking away from me. Come back here, lamp, oh no, he's crazy!
8:12 Speaker 01 I love the lamp being the attorney for Pixar.
8:14 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, the lamp, the lamp was the attorney. Um, I read your contract, and, uh, it seems to me...
8:21 Speaker 02 Smarty pants has his own Funko?
8:23 Conan O'Brien? Look at this, we got some smarty pants Funkos right here.
8:26 Speaker 01 Funko Pop.
8:27 Conan O'Brien? You know what? You gotta go with the Funko. We've had a bunch of Funkos from all those years of doing Comic Con. And now this is added to the legion of Conan Funkos.
8:35 Speaker 01 Yeah.
8:36 Conan O'Brien? Very nice, you know what this means? I'll be signing these at airports for the rest of my life.
8:40 Speaker 01 Yes, yes.
8:41 Conan O'Brien? And outside Sizzler restaurants.
8:43 Speaker 01 Yes.
8:43 Conan O'Brien? I don't know why, but they always get, they always get me at the Sizzler.
8:46 Speaker 01 Did I read Conan is the most Funkoed person?
8:48 Conan O'Brien? We're gonna look it up right now, somebody is right on your tail. Dame Judi Dench.
8:53 Conan O'Brien? Oh, what's this?
8:53 Speaker 02 Look at this little wallet.
8:55 Conan O'Brien? This is a wallet.
8:55 Speaker 02 It'll hold your credit cards.
8:56 Conan O'Brien? This is a wallet. Look at this. You have all your credit cards back. Oh, I thought it said Prada. It says Pixar. It's like, wow, Prada.
9:04 Speaker 01 I thought it said Prada.
9:05 Conan O'Brien? Look at that. You can get a, you can get a Smarty Pants, uh...
9:09 Speaker 01 Oh, that's cute.
9:09 Conan O'Brien? Wallet right here, guys. This is incredible.
9:12 Speaker 02 I would love to be at a restaurant with you one day and you pull that out.
9:15 Conan O'Brien? This is what I'm gonna use from now on, and I'm gonna go to very fancy restaurants. And then when it comes time, I'm gonna make a big show of saying, "Uh, uh, uh, time to pay. Oh, really? Let me get my wallet." "Huh? Oh, oh, oh, Smarty Pants? Yes. That's me. I'm the voice of Smarty Pants." And then cut to the exterior of the, uh, restaurant, and I'm just thrown out. And then this wallet hits me on the head.
9:40 Speaker 02 Here's some more.
9:41 Conan O'Brien? So Conan, you are the most Funko'd person with 38 different Funko dolls. Stan Lee is 37, and Elvis is 30. This is incredible. And you wonder why I've gone insane. It's just too much success.
9:56 Speaker 01 This is ridiculous.
9:56 Conan O'Brien? It's too much success. No one reaches this status in show business, has a wallet. Can I just say, this is a clumsy wallet.
10:08 Conan O'Brien? The whole idea of a wallet is for it to be aerodynamic, and they've put a giant chunky toilet on this one?
10:15 Speaker 01 Can I just make a comment? I don't think it's for adults. I think it's for kids. And I think that it's for kids to like play with.
10:23 Conan O'Brien? So this is where kids put their credit cards?
10:24 Speaker 01 Yeah, I don't know. But I know, I know it's not for grown men to put it in their back pocket.
10:29 Conan O'Brien? So when kids...
10:32 Conan O'Brien? I don't know. When I was a kid, I didn't have anything that could go in here. Not one thing.
10:37 Speaker 01 They like to pretend.
10:39 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, okay, that's fine.
10:40 Speaker 01 But you're not, it's not adults wearing it.
10:42 Speaker 02 Now we're getting into the shirts and the hoodies.
10:45 Conan O'Brien? And what's this? Explain what's happening here, because I don't know that much about fashion.
10:48 Speaker 02 This is a hoodie with like a retro-looking Smarty Pants on it.
10:53 Conan O'Brien? I gotta put it on.
10:54 Speaker 02 You can get them at, like, Amazon selling them, Hot Topic selling them.
10:57 Speaker 01 Why Smarty Pants?
10:59 Conan O'Brien? Conan O'Brien in no way participates. Financially, this is me as a fan of Smarty.
11:05 Speaker 02 Oh, no.
11:07 Speaker 01 That's a cool, that looks cool.
11:09 Conan O'Brien? Oh, that is cool. This looks cool?
11:11 Speaker 01 It actually does look cool. It's like a, I love that retro 80s print.
11:16 Conan O'Brien? This will never fit me. Look at this. This is for, obviously, a toddler or a very small child.
11:21 Speaker 01 Yeah.
11:22 Conan O'Brien? Uh, very cool. It's the, it's Smarty and the Gang.
11:24 Speaker 02 Uh huh. Technically awesome, it says.
11:27 Conan O'Brien? Yep.
11:34 Conan O'Brien? You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?
11:36 Speaker 01 Yeah, I love awards.
11:37 Conan O'Brien? Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen, you know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.
11:51 Speaker 01 Nice.
11:51 Conan O'Brien? Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.
12:00 Speaker 01 I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.
12:04 Conan O'Brien? I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5 N, which I love.
12:08 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
12:09 Conan O'Brien? Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?
12:24 Speaker 01 Hello!
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12:58 Conan O'Brien? Who do you shop for first on the holidays, Sona? Was it, do you shop for the kids or do you shop for Tac?
13:02 Speaker 01 My kids.
13:03 Conan O'Brien? Okay, you gotta get them your stuff.
13:04 Speaker 01 Or my dog.
13:05 Conan O'Brien? And then your, your husband is last. Well, guess what? It's that time of year. You feel that, you smell that, uh, that, that cinnamon cider in the air. Do you smell that?
13:15 Speaker 01 Yeah.
13:15 Conan O'Brien? And you see pumpkins around, people buying turkeys. A little early to buy a turkey. Doesn't matter. Holidays, I would say it's just around the corner, but that's a cliche. It's, uh, very nearby in the cupboard.
13:30 Conan O'Brien? Well, guess what? Amazon delivers joy with low prices on the gifts you want even this early in the season. So get ahead to the season. Shop early gifts, top picks, holiday decor and advent calendars at low prices. Get ahead, start on holiday gifting with Amazon's low prices. Shop now at amazon.com/holiday.
13:51 Conan O'Brien? Owning a car or home comes with responsibilities. Sure, it's fun, but sometimes it makes you wonder why you ever longed for adulthood in the first place. I do that all the time. I'm like, oh, these bills, these bills. What am I gonna do?
14:03 Speaker 01 Yeah.
14:03 Conan O'Brien? You know, when you own a house, you gotta fix it yourself. Sona, you, you see this to be true, right?
14:08 Speaker 01 Yeah, your garage door breaks and you're like, well, I have to fix it.
14:11 Conan O'Brien? Probably at first you said, hey, I'll get the super to fix it. It's your house, dude.
14:14 Speaker 01 It's mine, dude.
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14:28 Speaker 01 Liberty, Liberty, Liberty.
14:30 Conan O'Brien? It's in my head all the time.
14:31 Speaker 01 Yeah, me too.
14:32 Conan O'Brien? Yeah. Start your quote at libertymutual.com.
14:38 Conan O'Brien? Coca-Cola Zero Sugar is so good, it's almost impossible not to finish it before the meal arrives. It's just too good to wait. That happens to me sometimes.
14:47 Speaker 01 Me too.
14:47 Conan O'Brien? You can try rules like no sipping until the appetizer arrives, or you tell your friend, don't let me touch my glass. But every time you're staring at an empty glass. So if you've ever finished your Coke Zero before the first fry hits the table, you're among friends. It happens. Occupational hazard with Coke Zero.
15:05 Speaker 01 Yeah.
15:05 Conan O'Brien? Real Coca-Cola taste, zero sugar, too good to wait. Enjoy an ice cold Coca-Cola Zero Sugar today.
15:18 Conan O'Brien? Oh, look, this is nice. I like this one. There I am, right there with Woody.
15:22 Speaker 01 It's a blue sweater.
15:24 Conan O'Brien? Blue sweater, that's a good color for me.
15:25 Speaker 01 It says playtime and it's Smarty Pants and Woody.
15:27 Conan O'Brien? Uh huh. Oh, my God, this is gonna...
15:29 Speaker 01 Sorry, I'm just describing it.
15:30 Conan O'Brien? This is gonna be flying off shelves. Everyone's gonna want one of these.
15:33 Speaker 02 I like this one.
15:34 Speaker 01 That's cool.
15:35 Conan O'Brien? This is nice.
15:36 Speaker 01 That's a picture of Smarty Pants with that jelly hand that he has.
15:39 Conan O'Brien? He's got that jellied hand. Incredible.
15:42 Speaker 01 It's like a, what is it, a baseball shirt?
15:44 Speaker 02 Baseball shirt, yeah. Here's a shirt that says, I need to recharge.
15:47 Conan O'Brien? I need to recharge, okay? Because Smarty Pants does run on electricity, on AA batteries.
15:53 Speaker 01 Do we need this much?
15:55 Speaker 02 I mean, here. Here's another.
15:58 Conan O'Brien? What are you talking about?
15:59 Speaker 01 Don't you think this is like, a little too much?
16:01 Conan O'Brien? No, for Smarty.
16:02 Speaker 01 For a side character?
16:05 Speaker 02 Oh. You struck a nerve.
16:09 Conan O'Brien? A lot of, a lot of people are saying I am the comedic and emotional center of the movie.
16:14 Speaker 01 Oh, okay. It's not Jesse?
16:15 Conan O'Brien? And when I say a lot of people.
16:16 Speaker 02 Is it you?
16:17 Conan O'Brien? It's me.
16:21 Conan O'Brien? Me alone. But, uh, wow, look at this. There's Smarty.
16:26 Speaker 02 This is the one you're wearing, just in a t-shirt form.
16:28 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, that's great. Okay.
16:29 Speaker 02 All right, this one, you recorded the lines for this toy in that chair. Press.
16:35 Conan O'Brien? Juice. Oh, that's when he's low on batteries. This is actually my voice. When do people ever get to hear my voice? You've gotta get this toy, or you'll never hear my voice. If you don't have this toy, my voice is lost to you forever. Just trying to get some batteries out of you.
16:53 Speaker 01 Don't you want it to shut up? Like, that's how we feel.
16:56 Speaker 02 At least this one's not motion activated like the other one.
16:59 Conan O'Brien? There is a motion activated one, and I almost killed it.
17:01 Speaker 01 Nightmare.
17:02 Speaker 02 Well, I was here like, I had to grab something at night once, and he started just talking in the corner.
17:06 Speaker 01 Oh, my god. You look like such a shill right now, wearing the sweatshirt and...
17:11 Conan O'Brien? Look at this. Don't I look like, hey, you're never gonna find me selling out to the man. That's not my style. That's not who I am. I have never seen...
17:25 Speaker 02 They're like all different sizes, too.
17:27 Conan O'Brien? There are so many different Smarty Pants toys.
17:30 Speaker 01 It's too much.
17:30 Conan O'Brien? And they're different. Stop saying that, Sonja.
17:33 Speaker 01 This is insane.
17:34 Conan O'Brien? Can I say one thing you're not gonna like?
17:36 Speaker 02 Uh-oh.
17:37 Conan O'Brien? I think it's not enough.
17:38 Speaker 01 Oh, okay.
17:39 Conan O'Brien? I think there should be a car that's patterned after Smarty Pants that you can get in. It's like a really expensive car.
17:45 Speaker 01 I don't know. Like a rolling toilet paper?
17:48 Conan O'Brien? I like that you don't know. You're not sure that that's a good idea. What you got?
17:51 Speaker 02 This one's gonna be fun for everyone. Everyone gets involved. It's a mystery box. We gotta see who can find the Smarty Pants.
17:56 Conan O'Brien? I've gotta play.
17:59 Speaker 01 Eduardo. Did you see I caught that with one hand?
18:02 Conan O'Brien? That's so cool.
18:02 Speaker 01 That was really cool.
18:03 Conan O'Brien? Wait, we gotta find out. It's a...
18:04 Speaker 02 We have to find. It's a mystery.
18:06 Conan O'Brien? All right, well, I got this. Let me see who I got. I got this pig.
18:11 Speaker 02 Okay, try again.
18:14 Speaker 01 How about if he's just-
18:15 Speaker 02 I got him, I got him!
18:16 Conan O'Brien? You got Smarty!
18:17 Speaker 01 Oh, I got the other part of Smarty.
18:19 Conan O'Brien? Isn't that weird when the guy who is dealing the game wins?
18:22 Speaker 02 I didn't cheat.
18:24 Conan O'Brien? Look at him, this is adorable. He's a little guy, so this is a toy where kids don't know who they're gonna get.
18:30 Speaker 02 You don't know who you're gonna get, it could be...
18:32 Conan O'Brien? Do you realize there are gonna be riots in malls when kids don't get Smarty Pants?
18:35 Speaker 02 It could be-
18:36 Conan O'Brien? When they get stuck with the pig?
18:40 Speaker 02 You know what I mean?
18:41 Speaker 01 That's true.
18:41 Conan O'Brien? Or like the stapler, whatever.
18:43 Speaker 01 Or this hand.
18:44 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
18:44 Speaker 01 His little jelly hand.
18:45 Conan O'Brien? A little jelly hand? When kids get that, there's gonna be rioting in malls.
18:49 Speaker 02 His hand does his own?
18:50 Speaker 01 Totally.
18:51 Conan O'Brien? A kid says, "I can't wait to get Smarty Pants," they pull out this jellied hand. Suddenly, you see a drone shot, a news helicopter shot of a mall being torn apart by kids. And so, you know, they bring in riot police who shoot cannons filled with little Smarty Pants to calm them down. How deluded am I? How insane am I?
19:13 Speaker 02 We should've never done this.
19:14 Conan O'Brien? We never, you know what? This is so weird.
19:18 Speaker 02 I have to admit. He's gonna start setting things up.
19:20 Conan O'Brien? This is so weird.
19:21 Speaker 02 There's a book, there's a sticker book.
19:22 Conan O'Brien? Oh my god, look at this.
19:24 Speaker 02 And like one of those like golden...
19:26 Speaker 01 Oh, those are cool.
19:27 Speaker 02 Golden books.
19:27 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, those are classic. God, everything's just going the way I always intended it to.
19:33 Speaker 02 Yeah.
19:34 Conan O'Brien? This was the plan, long ago.
19:37 Conan O'Brien? Back when I started my career. What's that?
19:39 Speaker 02 There's mystery snow globes.
19:41 Conan O'Brien? What?
19:42 Speaker 02 It's a snow globe.
19:43 Conan O'Brien? Okay, you know, you're... I think you did these in the wrong order, David.
19:46 Speaker 01 We've gone too far.
19:47 Conan O'Brien? David started with the biggest wow ones. And now he's down to, "Oh, look! It's a little sticker that can go on a frying pan."
19:55 Speaker 01 It's a box that may or may not have your toy.
19:59 Conan O'Brien? You admit you did this, you admit you did this in reverse order. You did this in reverse order.
20:04 Speaker 02 I think it's better than-
20:04 Conan O'Brien? You ended on the t-shirts. He ended on the t-shirts and now he's opening toys that possibly have Smarty Pants in them, but most likely statistically not.
20:14 Speaker 02 I got him!
20:15 Speaker 01 Hey!
20:17 Conan O'Brien? Oh, Smarty! Oh, he's trapped, trapped, I say!
20:21 Speaker 01 I just love that the lamp is watching everything that we do.
20:27 Conan O'Brien? You know who's really appalled by it all? My wife. My wife. We also have cheese. Smarty pants cheese. No! Yes. Smarty pants cheese? What kind of cheese? It's like the little baby bell. Little, I think they're cheddar, little cheddar cheeses. Okay, okay.
20:43 Speaker 02 Eric got some today, he commented.
20:45 Conan O'Brien? Can I say one thing? Sona, I honestly don't think this has gone far enough. And I'm being serious. This is great, this is amazing. This isn't enough. Because right now, America's gripped with Smarty Pants fever. A lot of people thought that July 4th, 2026, was going to be the 250th celebration. But you're not hearing about that. That fizzled. You know what's happening instead? Smarty Pants Mania!
21:14 Speaker 02 I have a question. Earlier, you said there's a Smarty Pants dance taking over the nation. What's the dance? How's it go?
21:20 Conan O'Brien? It's a rock to the left, a rock to the right, flush, flush, and then a spin. And you know what? People are doing that everywhere. I see, I can't.
21:28 Speaker 02 I haven't seen it yet.
21:29 Conan O'Brien? It's everywhere. I've never not seen it. I've never opened my eyes in the last month and not seen that.
21:36 Speaker 01 Can I make an appeal to the Pixar merchandising department?
21:39 Conan O'Brien? Yep.
21:40 Speaker 01 Fucking stop. Just stop. We're good. There's plenty of Smarty Pants merch.
21:46 Conan O'Brien? Paddle.
21:47 Speaker 01 I think we made our point.
21:48 Conan O'Brien? Paddle to the metal. And you could say something else? They know what they're doing.
21:51 Speaker 01 They do, though.
21:52 Conan O'Brien? They have research.
21:53 Speaker 01 Yeah.
21:54 Conan O'Brien? They know what they're doing, they know what they know. When they see Smarty Pants Mania, they know what to do. You know?
21:59 Speaker 02 You can step into reading and like, learn how to read with Smarty Pants now.
22:02 Conan O'Brien? Well, look at that. Jesse meets some of Blaze's old forgotten toys, known as the tech trio. First, there are Smarty Pants, voiced by a needy Irish Catholic boy from Boston.
22:16 Conan O'Brien? He has a hole in his heart that can never be healed.
22:18 Speaker 02 Oh.
22:19 Conan O'Brien? This is real, I didn't think these books got into it in this level. Yeah. The love he didn't get as a child in a large family will never be salved. Wow, it's an incredible word. S-A-L-V-E-D, it's right here for kids. The only way to ameliorate this problem is by constantly calling attention to himself. Jesus. This is terrible. All the cognitive therapy in the world cannot help.
22:43 Speaker 02 It's still going.
22:44 Conan O'Brien? The voice of Smarty Pants. It just goes on for pages and pages about Smarty Pants. I'll skip ahead a couple.
22:50 Speaker 02 Yeah, take us to the end?
22:52 Conan O'Brien? You'd think each success would calm him. But no, on the contrary, each success only feeds the need for more success. It's a bottomless cup of coffee with the needy, sad voice of Smarty Pants. Who wrote this? Wait a minute, my therapist?
23:08 Conan O'Brien? You didn't see that coming, did you? How you doing there, Sona? You having a good time? This is the hardest I've seen her go in a while. You were really...
23:17 Speaker 01 I just love the backstory of Smarty Pants's voice.
23:20 Conan O'Brien? It really goes, yeah, and they keep talking about the voice. In the rest of the book, they just talk about the characters. But when they get to Smarty Pants, they say, "Has the voice of a desperately sad, cloying,
23:36 Conan O'Brien? needy creep." It says, "The beady-eyed voice of Smarty Pants." How would they even know? How does a voice have beady eyes?
23:47 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, don't listen to Sona. Whoever's behind this, Disney, Pixar...
23:52 Speaker 01 Stop.
23:53 Conan O'Brien? Go, go, go. More, more, more.
23:57 Speaker 01 I think we've had enough.
23:58 Conan O'Brien? And remember, if you think I should have had a cut of the merch, send cash
24:05 Conan O'Brien? to the Conan O'Brien Fund.
24:06 Speaker 01 Put up your Venmo.
24:10 Conan O'Brien? I should put up a Venmo that's just me, a guy who doesn't need money, demanding money
24:20 Conan O'Brien? for my Smarty Pants merch.
24:23 Speaker 02 That they already bought. It's not like they're getting free merch.
24:25 Conan O'Brien? Can I do a Kickstarter? Where I want... That doesn't work. Is there any way I could get a Kickstarter?
24:29 Speaker 01 A GoFundMe.
24:30 Speaker 02 A GoFundMe is what you want?
24:31 Conan O'Brien? A GoFundMe.
24:32 Speaker 01 Yeah.
24:33 Conan O'Brien? I didn't get a piece of the Smarty Pants merch. And I feel I'm entitled.
24:41 Conan O'Brien? How would that go over in America right now? In this America right now? How would that go over?
24:45 Speaker 01 Yeah.
24:46 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, yeah. I demand it. David, have my Bentley bridle around.
24:54 Speaker 01 Go funny. I love the description.
24:58 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
24:58 Speaker 01 Conan O'Brien did not get a cut of the merch.
25:00 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, of the merch.
25:01 Speaker 01 Please donate to the cause.
25:02 Conan O'Brien? Please donate to the cause. I want a really, a really sad song and zoom in on his face. Yeah, I will be, I will be, everywhere I go, mobs will descend on me and tear me apart. All right, well, this was, I have to say, this was really fun.
25:16 Speaker 01 I am really excited. This is really cool and I'm, I'm, I'm happy you're gonna get to keep
25:20 Conan O'Brien? It's a little otherworldly, I have to say that.
25:21 Speaker 01 all this stuff for yourself, yeah.
25:22 Conan O'Brien? It's insane. It's insane and I can't wait to see it on a blanket at someone's flea market.
25:30 Speaker 01 And there are people who really collect all this stuff.
25:34 Conan O'Brien? Sure do.
25:34 Speaker 01 And this is like, you know, this is really cool. It's a lot of really cool stuff. It's beautiful. It's designed well.
25:40 Conan O'Brien? What are you doing? We're not selling this stuff.
25:43 Conan O'Brien? You already said we don't get a cut of it. No, no, we, we, we know we participate. You can say whatever you want. It doesn't matter.
25:48 Speaker 01 It is. I like the, I like Pixar a lot. So, you know, I, I just, you know.
25:53 Conan O'Brien? That's just your, that's, that's you not-
25:55 Speaker 01 That is me being actually sincere.
25:57 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
25:57 Speaker 01 Because earlier I was telling them, they do have to stop. I do love that they-
26:00 Conan O'Brien? No!
26:01 Speaker 01 The lamp goes after people who upset every, who upset Pixar.
26:05 Conan O'Brien? A lamp crashes through your door if you violate their precepts. Just separate me from these other two deadbeats!
26:15 Conan O'Brien? Craig Robinson's gonna come to my door and just cave my head in with a pipe.
26:19 Speaker 01 Oh my god.
26:20 Conan O'Brien? All right, you heard it here. What did, what did we hear?
26:23 Speaker 01 What did we hear?
26:23 Conan O'Brien? All we did was pile up a ton of smarty pants merch. Go, go, go. The business of America is business.
26:32 Speaker 03 Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Obsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.
26:49 Speaker 03 Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Dougherty and Lisa Berman. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are done.
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