The Wedding Ringer

Conan chats with wedding vow writer Brian about the value of sincerity, the worst revelations he’s witnessed during a speech, and more. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: teamcoco.com/apply

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:03Conan O'Brien?

  One in four Americans targeted by scams ended up falling for them.

• 0:07Speaker 01

  I did.

• 0:07Conan O'Brien?

  For me, it would be four out of four. Did you fall for a scam?

• 0:09Speaker 01

  I fell for a scam once.

• 0:10Conan O'Brien?

  Oh my god. Incredible.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  They didn't steal much.

• 0:12Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, still, you got taken for a ride.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  I did.

• 0:15Conan O'Brien?

  And you just put it out there that you're easy to scam.

• 0:17Speaker 01

  I am!

• 0:18Conan O'Brien?

  One accident, a little click, can expose your information, putting you at risk of identity theft.

• 0:22Speaker 01

  Mmm.

• 0:22Conan O'Brien?

  Thankfully, there's LifeLock. LifeLock has live, US-based restoration specialists who will be with you every step of the way to fix your identity theft from first alert to full restoration. Join now and save up to 30% off your first year. This is a good thing to have in your back pocket, don't you think?

• 0:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, I need this.

• 0:39Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, you do need it. You need it fast. Go to lifelock.com/conan. That's lifelock.com/conan to save 30%. Terms apply.

• 0:51Conan O'Brien?

  Now, Sona, clearly, I'm a very important person to you.

• 0:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:54Conan O'Brien?

  Just accept the premise and we'll move ahead.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 0:57Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a very important person to you. What would you get me from Macy's for the holidays?

• 1:02Speaker 01

  A vase.

• 1:04Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't want a vase. I want something better.

• 1:06Speaker 01

  A jacket.

• 1:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, nice jacket. I love a nice jacket.

• 1:09Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, that jacket. Nice jacket.

• 1:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, so now you have to do it, because you said you would.

• 1:12Speaker 01

  Aw, man, I didn't know you were doing that.

• 1:14Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I know the holidays are months away, but it's never too early, Sona, to find gifts that I will love, gifts I will wear, and surprises that make the season unforgettable for me.

• 1:26Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:26Conan O'Brien?

  Macy's Gift Guide makes holiday shopping easy with beauty favorites, stylish fashion, jewelry, cozy essentials, must-have toys, home upgrades, and picks for every person on your list. Coach handbags, Breville appliances, Lego UG, and more, all in one place, so you can skip the scrolling and shop with confidence. Shop now in-store or online at macy's.com/giftguide.

• 1:52Speaker 01

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com/callconan. Okay, let's get started.

• 2:02Speaker 02

  Hey, Brian, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan.

• 2:05Conan O'Brien?

  Hello, Brian, how are you?

• 2:06Speaker 03

  Nice, nice. Look at you guys. Amazing.

• 2:09Conan O'Brien?

  Look at us.

• 2:10Speaker 03

  You look even better on Zoom.

• 2:11Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 2:12Speaker 03

  It's great.

• 2:13Conan O'Brien?

  Just look at us. Isn't that an incredible sight? Brian, very nice to meet you. I'm told that you are a wedding vow writer. Is that correct?

• 2:24Speaker 03

  Yes, yes, sir.

• 2:25Conan O'Brien?

  And you don't just write wedding vows. You write any speech that would be a part of a wedding ceremony. Is that correct?

• 2:33Speaker 03

  Speeches, the wedding ceremony itself. If you have a friend or a family member doing it, all the written parts of the wedding that have been largely neglected from professional guidance.

• 2:44Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, first of all, this sounds like a demand that's a job that's much in demand. But second, how did you create this gig? Where did the idea come from?

• 2:54Speaker 03

  Well, it's actually got a connection to you slightly adjacent. A guy named Doc Schweitzer, a friend of mine, a very close friend of mine, recommended or introduced me to John Max, the writer, the TV writer. And Max, and I interviewed him during a, during COVID. I, like many people, started a COVID podcast where I just started interviewing friends that had done something in their lives. And he started talking about his role as a ghostwriter. And I had officiated a few weddings and helped friends and family write speeches. Because before this, I was in politics. I wrote, I was a political consultant.

• 3:34Conan O'Brien?

  Sure. So you had written speeches before?

• 3:37Speaker 03

  Correct, correct. And so I got the, I was looking to get out of politics because politics sucks.

• 3:45Speaker 03

  Badly.

• 3:46Conan O'Brien?

  That's what I hear.

• 3:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, it was soul crushing. And I just, you know, I felt a part of the problem. So I wanted to get out of it. And, and so I had this idea and I started looking around. And there were people that wrote. Speeches, but there was nobody that was making a real business out of there. A couple of people that had that had been doing it at some level or another. But, but I went on, there was an app called Clubhouse at the time where all of the wedding people were congregating because they had nothing to do during COVID. And I, I went in there and it's like an audio conference room where you raise your hand. I raised, I raised my hand and I said, hey, what do you guys think about this? And, and they loved it and I made a site that day and I put some stock photography up and put an ad out and I got a client the next day and I was like, okay, this is something here.

• 4:33Speaker 03

  So, so we explored that. My wife and I were in politics together and now we're, we're in this together. We went to a conference and, and started talking to people and, and my, my wife Nicole was like, you know, you've had a lot of cockamamie ideas before, but this isn't one of them. And so we figured it, we figured it out.

• 4:52Conan O'Brien?

  Sweetest thing she ever said to you. You know, you're a real idiot, but I think you accidentally hit something.

• 4:58Speaker 03

  I'm more about quantity, you know? Yeah.

• 5:01Conan O'Brien?

  All right, well, Brian, I think about speeches a lot. I watch other people's speeches. I, I take them really seriously. Let's discuss our do's and don'ts. My first thing I would say is, and I just want to know if you agree, that the biggest mistake people make is they go on too long.

• 5:22Speaker 03

  Oh, absolutely. I mean, what do you think the longest speech? So I talked to wedding planners and I ask them this question, like, what's the worst story you have? What's the longest speech or whatever it is? The record is 50 minutes.

• 5:37Conan O'Brien?

  Five zero for which speech? For like, who at the wedding?

• 5:39Speaker 03

  For like a father of, this would be a father of the bride speech. Like, all of the long ones are father of the bride.

• 5:44Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no, that is, I mean, it really depends on what it is, but I, I, I think that if you're, if you're saying some words at a, at a wedding, I'm guessing it, I mean, you should really be thinking about three minutes or four, tops.

• 6:01Speaker 03

  Three to four minutes. Three to four minutes is plenty to do justice. You know, I mean, you're there, you're there to give a gift, right? You're there to honor the couple, both sides, right? Not just one of them, not just the person you know. You're there, no matter what you feel, you're there to, to make people happy and, and including them. And if you're going even fight, look, you're, you're in, you're in comedy. I'm a huge fan of comedy. Five minutes is hard, like five, doing a straight five minutes where you're funny, unless you're trained, it's hard. And I, I think, uh, people try to do five all day long without being funny or without having any instincts at all. And, uh, and it just starts

• 6:42Speaker 03

  to drone. And so, uh, 20 minutes is wedding disrupting and 40 minutes is like a wedding killer. I mean, that's what, what people are going to talk about.

• 6:51Conan O'Brien?

  So when people reach out, when, when people reach out to you, well, 50 minutes is a war crime and everyone should be arrested.

• 6:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 6:58Conan O'Brien?

  And, and here's another thing too, is, uh, I think when, um, people underestimate the value of sincerity, that if you're talking, it's a very important occasion and this is the biggest day of these people's lives and you're, if you want to be funny, great, but also remember that it's a big thing that's happening. And people sometimes don't realize you can just be nice and you can try and talk about the emotional, uh, power of the event without just trying to kill. Does that make sense?

• 7:33Speaker 03

  Yes, it does. I mean, sincerity, as long as it works towards the mission, right? I mean, I've had clients where they don't like, they don't like the person they're talking about.

• 7:43Conan O'Brien?

  I see, yeah.

• 7:44Speaker 03

  Like they have their best friend and they don't like who they're marrying or, you know, I had one, one extreme case where I had a, a client who was marrying his third wife. The kids, uh, did not particularly like the third wife and we had to work around, you know, it was like, hey, what, you have, you must have something that's nice to say about them. And they're like, well, they're good at getting their nails done. And, you know, I mean, it was stuff like that. And so you have to work your way around that and make it fun for the audience at the same time. So yes, sincerity, but not, but this is not confessional, right? This is a time to, to have, uh, to, to talk about the good parts and to make, you know, to make it entertaining, but also, uh, make them happy. And, and so, yeah, no, sincerity is thing is fun, uh, or sorry, sincerity is important, but, but

• 8:29Speaker 03

  it has to be fun and it can't be something that's all.

• 8:32Conan O'Brien?

  But also, I, what I see a lot too, is people at weddings that they're giving a, a toast, you know, a, a best man's speech or, you know, bridesmaid's speech.

• 8:45Conan O'Brien?

  They think they really have to roast the person. And you just have to know what you're doing if you're going to roast the person, because that can go horribly wrong. And you've probably seen it go horribly wrong.

• 8:56Speaker 03

  Well, I haven't seen it go horribly wrong.

• 8:59Conan O'Brien?

  What have you heard? What's a horror story you've heard of?

• 9:01Speaker 03

  The worst horror stories I've heard of involve people disclosing things like past relationships, cocaine use, getting up there. And well, the worst, the hands down, the worst was the, was conveyed to me by a luxury wedding photographer. And she talked about how at one wedding, a very expensive wedding, the father of the groom thought it was the right time to disclose that he and the, he and the groom went to a brothel in South America.

• 9:36Speaker 01

  No.

• 9:37Speaker 03

  And yes.

• 9:37Conan O'Brien?

  Well, it is a bonding experience. And that's where he met his bride.

• 9:41Speaker 03

  Especially when you share the prostitute, according to the story. Wedding over, wedding over. Everybody yelling and crying.

• 9:50Speaker 01

  That's your question, Matt?

• 9:52Speaker 02

  I'm interested. I'm doing some research.

• 9:55Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? I've read about the etiquette of this. It's fascinating. I really didn't, and I've got nowhere to go on this.

• 10:01Speaker 03

  This is extreme. Look, this is an extreme story. But, and most of the stories just go.

• 10:06Conan O'Brien?

  Can you imagine being at a wedding where the groom's father says, "And then my son and I shared a prostitute."

• 10:12Speaker 01

  Yeah. But I, I love those moments. I prefer train wreck moments and moments where you cringe over a smooth wedding. I like it way more.

• 10:22Conan O'Brien?

  Would you feel the same at your wedding?

• 10:24Speaker 03

  That is more interesting than mediocre, right? But, but, but not at a wedding, you know? And, and so it was, yeah. I mean, most of the stories that are bad, I have one where like the groom's best man had everybody get ready and with their keys. And at some point in the, in the speech, he goes, Jingle your keys if you've slept with the bride.

• 10:47Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 10:48Speaker 03

  And so, you know, all the groomsmen like Jane, sorry, Jane, like, stuff like that. But it's like.

• 10:52Conan O'Brien?

  Crowd went key jangling crazy.

• 10:55Speaker 03

  But even with vows, there's a, there's a viral one about, you know, where, where the bride talks about how much she loves her husband. And then the, then the groom gets up and he goes, I just want to smack that booty.

• 11:06Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 11:08Speaker 03

  That's all he says.

• 11:09Speaker 01

  Come on.

• 11:09Conan O'Brien?

  Well, wait, is that a bad thing or a, I mean?

• 11:11Speaker 01

  Well, if she's pouring her heart out to you. Yeah, and then he responds, I just want to smack that booty.

• 11:17Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, he wants to smack that booty.

• 11:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, but that's not okay.

• 11:20Conan O'Brien?

  But that's sincere.

• 11:21Speaker 01

  That's a vow?

• 11:22Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, how was her booty?

• 11:24Speaker 02

  And they're a very traditional couple. He was waiting to the wedding night to smack that booty.

• 11:29Speaker 03

  You just want them balanced. You want, you want both of them to say that, right? If one's saying love and the other one's saying booty, this is an imbalance we've got to solve.

• 11:36Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, that's a tragic imbalance.

• 11:38Speaker 03

  Somebody to look over it, you know?

• 11:40Speaker 01

  Yes, yeah.

• 11:42Speaker 03

  That's why we started vows and speeches. We're doing this thing, you know?

• 11:52Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 11:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love awards.

• 11:55Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way.

• 11:58Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 11:58Conan O'Brien?

  Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen.

• 12:02Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 12:02Conan O'Brien?

  You know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 12:09Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 12:09Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 12:18Speaker 01

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 12:22Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5N, which I love.

• 12:26Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 12:27Conan O'Brien?

  Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 12:42Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 12:42Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space with available, I had this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA-estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty. It's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View U.S. News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details. Owning a car or home comes with responsibilities. Sure, it's fun, but sometimes it makes you wonder why you ever longed for adulthood in the first place. I do that all the time. I'm like, oh, these bills, these bills.

• 13:27Conan O'Brien?

  What am I gonna do? Yeah. You know, when you own a house, you gotta fix it yourself. Sona, you, you see this to be true, right? Yeah, your garage door breaks, and you're like, well, I have to fix it. Probably at first you said, hey, I'll get the super to fix it. It's your house, dude. It's mine, dude. Yeah. Liberty Mutual customizes your car and home insurance to save you money. In fact, they work overtime to tailor your insurance policy around what you actually need. The only thing they can't do is get that Liberty, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty jingle out of your head. Liberty, Liberty, Liberty. Liberty, Liberty. It's in my head all the time. Yeah, me too. Yeah. Start your quote at libertymutual.com. This fall, I wanna try something different. What? I like to change it up. I like to learn things, so I'm gonna try and make apple cider. Ooh. Every morning.

• 14:12Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. This fall, just to see if I can do it. Yeah. Yeah, fall's the perfect season to try something new, like joining T-Mobile. Oh, that's good. See what I did? Yeah. Yeah, there are 250 reasons to join T-Mobile right now. You wanna hear what they are? Yeah. They're America's best network. Okay. True story. Plus, T-Mobile has got off-grid satellite coverage. That comes in really handy. I like to just wander in the woods sometimes. Oh, that's weird. When I'm thinking about, like, making apple cider. Oh. And that's when it comes in handy. Here's another reason. High-speed data in over 215 countries and destinations. I travel a lot for the You travel a lot. Travel show that I do. Yeah. Stream this podcast while ignoring local landmarks. That's always fun to do. Like, oh, look, there's the Mona Lisa. Yeah, check it out. I'm in the Louvre. I should, but I'm listening to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. That doesn't seem like a good idea. It's a great idea.

• 14:57Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. You know, you can see art anytime. But how often can you listen to this podcast?

• 15:03Speaker 01

  My god.

• 15:04Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Now, all these reasons make T-Mobile a great choice.

• 15:07Speaker 01

  I agree.

• 15:08Conan O'Brien?

  T-Mobile is stacking up reasons to join. Go to T-Mobile.com and find yours best. Based on analysis by Ookla of speed test intelligence data. First half of 2026. Can't believe I read that. T-Satellite with capable devices in most outdoor areas in the US. Where you can see the sky. High-speed international data with qualifying plan. Visit T-Mobile.com. Consult a physician. I just threw that in there.

• 15:32Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 15:36Conan O'Brien?

  Ever invest in something that seemed incredible at first? But didn't live up to the hype?

• 15:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, like all the time.

• 15:41Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I did that with an all potato restaurant.

• 15:44Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 15:47Conan O'Brien?

  Marketers know that feeling. They optimize for the numbers that look great, like impressions. But then they don't see revenue. You know what I'm talking about, don't you, Sean?

• 15:56Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, all the time.

• 15:57Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, LinkedIn has a word for that. Bullspend.

• 16:00Speaker 01

  Bullspend.

• 16:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, instead you can get the highest ROAS of major ad networks with LinkedIn ads.

• 16:05Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 16:06Conan O'Brien?

  Cut the bullspend. Advertise on LinkedIn. Spend $250 and get a $250 credit. Go to LinkedIn.com/Conan. Terms apply.

• 16:23Conan O'Brien?

  So what you're doing is you're meeting with them. You're finding out basic information. And then you're helping them write it. They participate in the process.

• 16:33Speaker 03

  Absolutely, no, I interview them. I record it, so I try and get their, you know, in politics, I had to, I couldn't write like myself. I had to write like the person I was representing. So that's what I'm doing here. I'm ghostwriting. And so I interview them. I'm asking questions like, hey, when you guys moved in together, what did you want to throw out? They wouldn't let you. You know, like, what do they have an odd collection of?

• 16:55Conan O'Brien?

  His sex robot.

• 16:57Speaker 03

  Sex robots, yeah, yeah.

• 16:59Conan O'Brien?

  Why do you want to throw me out? I have nowhere to go. Please.

• 17:04Speaker 03

  But that would make a fantastic vow, right? Then now you've got a personalized vow.

• 17:09Conan O'Brien?

  Sometimes she'll leave town, you'll still need me. She goes to the grocery store, doesn't she?

• 17:17Speaker 03

  You make love robotically.

• 17:18Speaker 02

  Notice who's been cleaning the bathroom. It isn't her.

• 17:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, so you know, so you pull all that stuff together. You write about the robot, you throw that in, the crowd loves it and you know.

• 17:31Conan O'Brien?

  If my wife and I ever renew our vows, I'm doing 20 minutes on a sex robot.

• 17:38Speaker 01

  She'd be worried if you didn't.

• 17:40Conan O'Brien?

  I know, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 17:41Speaker 02

  Do you have them read?

• 17:42Speaker 03

  Hire me, yeah. I'd have to like figure out how to balance this out.

• 17:47Speaker 02

  Do you have them read the speech or do they memorize it usually?

• 17:50Speaker 03

  Never remember, I never encourage people to memorize it. It's you could, you could sit in your room all day long, try and memorize something like this. But this is the first time they've read it in front of their friends and family. They need something to reference. I want them to get fluent with it so they can look up and, and, and when you listen to somebody read something for the first time, there's a cadence that I'm sure you've heard where it's, it's almost word by word. When somebody's read it enough times out loud, they've got some muscle memory and now they can speak sentences. And that's really where I want them to get to. But yeah, we do delivery coaching as part of it. There's no AI whatsoever. We've, we've, you know, we, except for the transcribing process when I interview them. That's the only time I ever use AI for this, but the writing itself is all me and them.

• 18:35Speaker 03

  And I'm, I'm using as much of their words and stories as, as, as possible. And you know, like sometimes we'll write something that's, that's specific, specifically new. But it, but it's only to accentuate the stories that they have.

• 18:51Conan O'Brien?

  All right, well, Brian, I have a pet peeve.

• 18:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:54Conan O'Brien?

  I see now if I'm at weddings or occasions and people give up, get up and speak. Younger people primarily tend to read off of their phone and I just don't love it. I don't love people, I would rather they have it on a piece of paper and that makes me probably sound like an old man. But there's just something.

• 19:16Speaker 03

  I agree.

• 19:17Conan O'Brien?

  That feels very inauthentic. You see the glowing screen, the minute they take their phone out and go, I just want to say a few words. It almost gives the impression. That they used an app.

• 19:27Speaker 02

  Or they just wrote it.

• 19:29Conan O'Brien?

  Or they just wrote it.

• 19:31Speaker 03

  Some of these people have spent tens of thousands of dollars hiring photographers and videographers, right? And now you've got a shot that's like, somebody took a like a flashlight and it's for Halloween, right? Like that ghoulish, you know, up up lighting, that's one thing. But then you but but but all of the photographs will look like, hey, they're looking at their phone.

• 19:49Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 19:49Speaker 03

  Right? They're at on stage, but they're looking at their phone. It looks terrible. It's also hard to track. I mean, it's also something if you're reading off of it, you'll lose your place very quickly.

• 19:58Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, yeah, people are always going to hold on, hold on, hold on a second. Yeah.

• 20:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, let me scroll for a little while. That's that's great video. So it's very unnatural. You know, and yeah, so there's basic stuff like that that we advise them. But mainly, it's just like, you have people that are just good at math, or they're good at something else. And they're not they're good at science. They're just not the best writers, or they're terrified of doing this publicly. And and also, some of it's just, they're just not funny. And you need a little bit of that humor. I mean, and I, you know, I've been watching you from the beginning. I actually was a big fan of Not Necessarily the News back in the day.

• 20:36Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, cool.

• 20:36Speaker 03

  When I was, I think, two or three. I'm not sure.

• 20:38Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 20:38Speaker 03

  Uh, and, um, and I, uh, you know, I I know how to find like very mild humor in what they're saying. And just just as an offset to the sentimentality, you can't have like the same tone for the same three minutes. Otherwise, it's going to be a very boring song.

• 20:56Conan O'Brien?

  I just think, uh, we all have that situation where we see something go horribly wrong. But mostly, I think the biggest crime in public speaking is when someone just keeps going and going and going.

• 21:08Speaker 03

  It's life.

• 21:09Conan O'Brien?

  And you think it's ending, and then they go, oh, and another thing. And then you just feel disrespected, like, time is precious. And when someone's up there going and going and going, you just want to throttle them.

• 21:20Speaker 01

  It's okay.

• 21:21Speaker 03

  And there's people that have, you've stuck people on a table.

• 21:24Conan O'Brien?

  I want to throttle them.

• 21:25Speaker 01

  You want to get violent.

• 21:26Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 21:26Speaker 03

  Oh, and I feel, and that was one of the motivating factors for starting this. I'm like you, I can't stand it, you know, and you've put us at a table with people we're supposed to like. Right? We're supposed to be talking and laughing and whatever. You're asking us to be quiet for four speeches sometimes, maybe five if there's like a stepparent. And now, and if they don't stick to the timeline, we're in for like 40 minutes of people talking. And not, us not talking. And, you know, for people like me, it's hard.

• 21:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:52Speaker 03

  And so, uh, so yeah, you have to pay credence to that and give them, give them, give the audience the respect of, of like, yeah, I'm gonna keep this short, I'm gonna make it punchy and, and, and make it fun. And, and if you just hog the mic, you're, you're not doing that.

• 22:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:08Conan O'Brien?

  I also think people should lie more.

• 22:10Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 22:11Conan O'Brien?

  I think Norm MacDonald discovered the perfect formula because he would come on my show and his celebrities are always trying to think of their funny story, you know? And I went and I got the cake and it fell. And that's when Harry Hamlin said, and you're like, well, uh, okay, great.

• 22:26Speaker 03

  I don't want to hear that story.

• 22:27Speaker 01

  I know, that sounds cool.

• 22:28Conan O'Brien?

  It's a really good story, but, um, but Norm MacDonald would come on the show and just tell old salesman jokes from like the 1920s that you could probably buy in the Sears catalog. And it was insane, but he would commit to them. And I would think, yeah, people should just say, you know, I just want to tell a funny story about the bride. And then it's, it's just the plot, uh, to some great, uh, comedy movie from the 1950s.

• 22:54Speaker 03

  But I have retold the moth joke.

• 22:56Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 22:57Speaker 03

  Like a thousand, I mean, a thousand times.

• 22:59Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 23:00Speaker 03

  That, that joke, I mean, that, that, you're telling me he didn't learn that from a cabbie? I mean, that, that, you know?

• 23:07Conan O'Brien?

  Well, he didn't know he was gonna, you know, he wasn't doing that, uh, he wasn't supposed to do that segment. He was supposed to do one segment and I, on this fly said, let's do a second segment, Norman. He was like, what? And then I, he just had to make it up and he just, I mean, I think he had maybe told that before, but he just went for it. And, uh, it's become this iconic.

• 23:26Speaker 03

  Alexander, whatever.

• 23:26Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 23:27Speaker 03

  My son, Alexander.

• 23:29Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, exactly. Um, well, this is, I'm, I'm glad you're out there. This is going to help people immensely. And mostly you're helping their audience because I want more and more people who are giving toast at a wedding to get some advice before they do it.

• 23:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:44Conan O'Brien?

  Cause if I'm gonna be sitting there, I don't want to get violent.

• 23:48Speaker 03

  We ask people to do these, like people ask their friends and family to be officiants all the time, and it's one of the bigger trends in weddings where you don't hire an officiant, you hire a friend, you ask a friend to do it. But they don't know how to do it.

• 24:01Conan O'Brien?

  Nope.

• 24:01Speaker 03

  Right, they don't know how to write an eight to 10 minute narrative of a love story and make it beautiful and funny and keep it going. They have no guidance. So our whole job here is just to help people along through this process and make it fun and make it fun for everybody, including the audience.

• 24:16Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I'm glad you're doing it. It's been lovely chatting to you, Brian, but I want to make sure this doesn't go on too long. And I just got out on a big laugh. But Brian, take care. Thank you so much.

• 24:30Speaker 03

  Hey, it's been a real pleasure. I love you guys and I love you. We drove across country listening to you. And thank you, Sona and Matt.

• 24:38Speaker 01

  You're welcome. I'm a national speech champion. I feel like I had to mention that at some point in this interview.

• 24:44Speaker 02

  And I've been married.

• 24:45Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 24:46Speaker 01

  Have you officiated a wedding?

• 24:49Speaker 02

  Yes, I have.

• 24:50Speaker 01

  So have Conan. All three of us have.

• 24:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, I have.

• 24:54Speaker 01

  Oh, I crushed it.

• 24:55Speaker 02

  The couple immediately broke up. Because of my speech.

• 25:00Conan O'Brien?

  How did I do? I officiated for one of your friends.

• 25:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was really great.

• 25:04Speaker 02

  I did a great job, of course.

• 25:05Speaker 01

  Okay, all right.

• 25:06Conan O'Brien?

  Well, Brian, go forth and continue your good works.

• 25:09Speaker 03

  Thank you, Conan, and thank you all. Thanks, everybody.

• 25:13Speaker 02

  Take care. Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leal. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Dougherty and Lisa Berman. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

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