I Hate Richmond

Conan chats with geography professor Stephanie in Richmond, Virginia about studying climate change and what everybody gets wrong about the field of geography. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: teamcoco.com/apply

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Conan O'Brien?

  Now Sona, clearly I'm a very important person to you.

• 0:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:05Conan O'Brien?

  Just accept the premise and we'll move ahead.

• 0:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 0:08Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a very important person to you. What would you get me from Macy's for the holidays?

• 0:13Speaker 01

  A vase.

• 0:15Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't want a vase. I want something better.

• 0:17Speaker 01

  A jacket.

• 0:19Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, nice jacket. I love a nice jacket.

• 0:20Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, that jacket. Nice jacket.

• 0:21Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, so now you have to do it, because you said you would.

• 0:23Speaker 01

  Aw man, I didn't know you were doing that.

• 0:25Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I know the holidays are months away, but it's never too early, Sona, to find gifts that I will love, gifts I will wear, and surprises that make the season unforgettable for me.

• 0:37Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 0:37Conan O'Brien?

  Macy's Gift Guide makes holiday shopping easy with beauty favorites, stylish fashion, jewelry, cozy essentials, must-have toys, home upgrades, and picks for every person on your list. Coach handbags, Breville appliances, Lego UG, and more, all in one place so you can skip the scrolling and shop with confidence. Shop now in-store or online at macy's.com/giftguide.

• 1:02Conan O'Brien?

  Coca-Cola Zero Sugar is so good, it's almost impossible not to finish it before the meal arrives. It's just too good to wait. That happens to me sometimes.

• 1:11Speaker 01

  Me too.

• 1:11Conan O'Brien?

  You can try rules like no sipping until the appetizer arrives, or you tell your friend, "Don't let me touch my glass", but every time you're staring at an empty glass... So if you've ever finished your Coke Zero before the first fry hits the table, you're among friends. It happens. Occupational hazard with Coke Zero.

• 1:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:29Conan O'Brien?

  Real Coca-Cola taste, zero sugar, too good to wait. Enjoy an ice cold Coca-Cola Zero Sugar today.

• 1:40Speaker 02

  Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com/callconan. Okay, let's get started.

• 1:51Conan O'Brien?

  Hey Stephanie, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan.

• 1:53Speaker 03

  Hi, how are you?

• 1:54Conan O'Brien?

  How are you Stephanie?

• 1:56Speaker 03

  Great. This is funny.

• 2:00Conan O'Brien?

  So weird. Absolutely nothing funny has happened so far. So you have a very low bar for funny.

• 2:08Speaker 03

  I do. It's been a tough week. So I'll tell you, yes, the lowest of bars.

• 2:11Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I'm sorry. It's been a tough week. Anything the matter?

• 2:16Speaker 03

  No, my kids have just been home from daycare with the flu.

• 2:19Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, okay. And when the kid, yes, yeah, it's tough when their kids are around and you don't really love them.

• 2:26Speaker 03

  I know. I know. I had agency in that decision, but I didn't think it'd have to be around them all the time.

• 2:31Conan O'Brien?

  It's tough. It's tough. Even when you adore your children, it's tough when they're constantly around.

• 2:38Speaker 03

  It's more the job, but yeah.

• 2:39Conan O'Brien?

  We're getting a little, I'm just gonna check in a little bit. Is that a little bit of feedback? Feedback? Would that be, let's just do a quick test. Stephanie, let's do a quick back and forth. How are you? How you doing?

• 2:49Speaker 03

  Great. Love and life. How are you?

• 2:50Conan O'Brien?

  What's your astrological sign?

• 2:52Speaker 03

  Capricorn, Leo, rising, Gemini moon.

• 2:55Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, Jesus Christ. She was ready. I don't understand.

• 2:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm a real scientist though, too.

• 3:01Conan O'Brien?

  I thought, wait a minute, I thought people just gave one answer when they gave their astrological sign.

• 3:05Speaker 03

  That's not the whole picture.

• 3:07Conan O'Brien?

  All right. Well, okay. I'm just an Aries. I'm not an Aries. There's no moon rising. There's no ram jumping in a hole.

• 3:12Speaker 03

  You do have it. You just might not know it. There is.

• 3:15Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, but I've looked into it. Just Aries. Stephanie, tell us a little bit about yourself. You're coming to me. They say you're from, are you in central Virginia?

• 3:25Speaker 03

  Uh, yeah, I'm in Richmond. Do you want me to hit record or are we supposed to do it back?

• 3:28Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no, you don't have to hit record. We can proceed just like this. Thanks for asking. Yeah.

• 3:32Speaker 03

  Okay, perfect. Yeah. Yeah, I'm in Richmond, Virginia.

• 3:35Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. Why'd you make, you went like, uh, Richmond, Virginia? Disgusted? Yeah, I mean, Virginia is a beautiful state.

• 3:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, it is. I'm not from here. I miss from.

• 3:46Conan O'Brien?

  Wow, so you don't work for the tourism board, do you?

• 3:48Speaker 03

  I don't, I do not. They should not have me. I I will complain about the bugs and the humidity and the heat and their inability to deal with the snow and all of that.

• 3:58Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, well, I'm gonna move on to more pleasant topics, though, than the fact that you hate living in Richmond, Virginia.

• 4:05Speaker 03

  People know it.

• 4:05Conan O'Brien?

  What do you, uh, yeah, it's that T-shirt you wear. I hate Richmond.

• 4:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's a, yeah, they know.

• 4:12Conan O'Brien?

  They say Virginia's for lovers, and yet they have a hater living right in the center. Stephanie.

• 4:18Speaker 03

  In the capital.

• 4:21Conan O'Brien?

  You, uh, I, I, I see here that you're a geography professor, is that correct?

• 4:26Speaker 03

  That is fully correct, yeah.

• 4:28Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, this is not a police interview. You're allowed to elaborate.

• 4:31Speaker 03

  Yes, I am a geography professor. That is, that is my job.

• 4:34Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, and how did you get into that? I mean, how does one become a geography professor?

• 4:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's a, I, um, as an undergrad, I checked off a box that said I was to travel, so that I got into this geology program, and that's not geography. Geology is rocks. Geography is people in places.

• 4:52Conan O'Brien?

  You're talking to me like I'm an idiot.

• 4:54Speaker 03

  I don't know. People know. Do you know?

• 4:57Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, I know! The difference between geology and geography.

• 5:01Speaker 03

  Well, I know, but it's more than maps.

• 5:03Speaker 04

  The listeners might not all know.

• 5:05Conan O'Brien?

  If, listen, if, if you're a listener right now and you don't know that geology is rocks, never listen to this podcast again. You are banished.

• 5:16Conan O'Brien?

  And that includes you, David, because you seem genuinely confused.

• 5:21Conan O'Brien?

  So Stephanie, uh, you, you studied, you studied, uh, you studied geology, and then you said, you know what? I'm gonna move into geography. So what is it you do now? What is it you're studying?

• 5:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, I study a lot of different things, but I mainly use satellite data to understand changes in the landscape. Uh, so one of the things I, yeah, I could, I feel like I'm lecturing. One of the things I study is how climate change is affecting the timing of fall foliage in Maine, because I love Maine. Another thing I study is how deforestation in Brazil is affecting the regional climate there. I think about that in the southwestern Amazon. I do stuff locally in central Virginia that I love. I use drones to help map historically black cemeteries that haven't been funded.

• 6:07Conan O'Brien?

  First of all, I'm gonna cut you off and say this is all very cool stuff and very valuable stuff. This is important work. You know, it's forefront in our minds now, obviously. I mean, climate change has been for a long time, but we live here in Los Angeles and we're seeing the effects of terrible effects of 100 mile an hour Santa Anas and a lot of homes lost in a bad fire. And we're wondering, clearly, things are changing. And I think everyone's, almost everybody, I shouldn't say everybody, but I think almost everybody is slowly getting to the reality that there is climate change. What advice do you have for, for example,

• 6:51Conan O'Brien?

  there's just so much anxiety about it. My wife has anxiety about it. I have two children that have anxiety about it. And I sometimes want to be the voice of, things will be okay. We'll figure this out. But then I sound like, you know, very Pollyanna. I can sound like a moron. What's your take on this? Is there a way that we can be positive or talk to people about who are anxious on this subject?

• 7:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think it's okay to be anxious about it. I think it's kind of crazy if you're not anxious about it, because it's very real. But I also have a two and a four year olds and I, that was like an act of radical hope in society that we would kind of figure this out. I think just getting outside and breathing and taking a walk and connecting with nature, that's what I do if I'm getting overwhelmed. I think you can be overwhelmed, but you can't let it, you can't let it take over you, right? And you find, you just like, find faith in your community. Like you find what you can do, maybe eat one less burger a week, but I'm not saying become a vegetarian or vegan. Don't go vegan. You don't have to do that. It's not that good for the environment. If you just eat a little bit less meat, feel better about it. You can take one less flight a year. But honestly, just like, being okay

• 8:01Speaker 03

  with being upset, allowing yourself to feel your feelings, because you're kind, it would, to me, I think we all should be feeling our feelings a little more.

• 8:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, that's very good advice. That's very good advice. I should tell you, I drive a 12 cylinder car. And I eat seven burgers a day. All your private flights. I took a private.

• 8:21Speaker 03

  That's not probably great for your arteries.

• 8:23Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, terrible. They keep trying to get me to stop, but I can't hear them over the revving of my 12 cylinder. And it runs on rainforest wood that just I.

• 8:33Speaker 03

  Oh, my God, the mahogany is, yeah, I mean, it's the best wood.

• 8:36Conan O'Brien?

  I I'm trying in my small ways to do my part. It can all feel so overwhelming.

• 8:43Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 8:44Conan O'Brien?

  And I also, my son gets really mad when I say this, because my son's a very, he's into STEM and science tech and all that. And he, and I'll say to him, look, we all, we, humans have to change their behavior, but I'm also hoping that science comes up with some answers. And he gets mad that I'm just putting it off on science. Like, don't worry, science will fix it, because that can sound, I think, irresponsible. But I do think science is gonna have to be, is gonna have to come into the equation, because I have my doubts that China, India, the United States, Russia.

• 9:23Speaker 03

  US, yeah.

• 9:24Conan O'Brien?

  And I'm including us, trust me, are all gonna say, you know what, we gotta change our ways.

• 9:30Speaker 03

  Yes, I agree. I think it's not worth it feeling guilty, because like, you're not Exxon, you're not the US, you're not BP, you're not the people who like lied to people for centuries about what harm this would do. So it's not worth feeling guilty. But I think you can look for the good stories. A negative headline gets 10 more clicks than a positive one. So people are always gonna write negative headlines. There are some really cool climate resiliency things going on. Some cities are planting more trees. Trees are really great for cooling down cities. LA, I think, painted some pavements white for a while, because like, dark surfaces trap a lot of heat. There are small scale changes that a lot of cities in the US in particular are making. And yeah, I think it's gonna be a mix of science and everyone realizing that

• 10:12Speaker 03

  these disasters that we keep having cost so much money. So it'd actually be cheaper if we start actually investing in climate change solutions and resilience.

• 10:21Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I think insurance companies in LA are gonna start investing in climate change technology. Because, you know, and, and you're gonna see, I mean, unfortunately, at a certain point, it takes.

• 10:34Conan O'Brien?

  I hate to say it, but it it it does. Once you hurt, start hurting, um, big businesses' pocketbook, that's when they pay attention and they see, they see religion.

• 10:43Speaker 01

  I know. I'm so sorry. This is the most depressing conversation you've probably ever had.

• 10:47Conan O'Brien?

  No, first of all, no. Um, I just talked to my staff 10 minutes ago.

• 10:53Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, that was much more depressing. Real downer. Yeah, real downer. They're just not fun people. Yeah, we had a quick meeting where I encouraged them to tell me how they really felt about me. And that, that went terribly. We're never doing that again.

• 11:11Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 11:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:14Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen, you know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 11:28Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 11:29Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 11:37Speaker 01

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 11:42Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5N, which I love. Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 12:01Speaker 01

  Hello!

• 12:02Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space. With available, I had this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA-estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty, it's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View US News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 12:36Conan O'Brien?

  Your name represents everything you've built, okay? Everything, like, I feel that way about my name.

• 12:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:41Conan O'Brien?

  It stands for all of the work, good and not so good. But guess what? Your children's names represent their whole futures.

• 12:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:50Conan O'Brien?

  Your children haven't even started building their futures, but their identities are already valuable. Your child's clean credit history can make them a target for identity thieves. Never thought of it that way, but it's true. Identity thieves can open loans and credit cards using your child's social security number, racking up debt and ruining their credit. And you may not notice until they try and get their first credit card. So it could be a long time.

• 13:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:12Conan O'Brien?

  Well, guess what? With LifeLock, you can add family members to your plan, giving you the power to block identity threats targeting your children. Now, Sony, your kids are pretty young still.

• 13:21Speaker 01

  They are.

• 13:21Conan O'Brien?

  Five, but within a couple of years, you know, they're gonna be buying heavy machinery online.

• 13:27Speaker 01

  What?

• 13:28Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna be, become tractor fanatics. They're gonna be buying tractors online. So if you have expenses or money stolen due to identity theft, you're backed by the million-dollar protection package with up to $3 million coverage in some plans. So join now, save up to 30% off your first year. Go to lifelock.com/conan. That's lifelock.com/conan to save 30%. Terms apply.

• 13:52Conan O'Brien?

  This fall, I wanna try something different.

• 13:54Speaker 01

  What?

• 13:54Conan O'Brien?

  I like to change it up. I like to learn things. So I'm gonna try and make apple cider.

• 13:58Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 13:58Conan O'Brien?

  Every morning.

• 13:59Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 14:00Conan O'Brien?

  This fall, just to see if I can do it.

• 14:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:02Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, fall's the perfect season to try something new, like joining T-Mobile.

• 14:06Speaker 01

  Oh, that's good.

• 14:07Conan O'Brien?

  See what I did?

• 14:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, there are 250 reasons to join T-Mobile right now. You wanna hear what they are?

• 14:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:12Conan O'Brien?

  They're America's best network.

• 14:13Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 14:14Conan O'Brien?

  True story. Plus, T-Mobile has got off-grid satellite coverage. That comes in really handy. I like to just wander in the woods sometimes.

• 14:21Speaker 01

  Oh, that's weird.

• 14:21Conan O'Brien?

  When I'm thinking about, like, making apple cider. And that's when it comes in handy. Here's another reason. High-speed data in over 215 countries and destinations. I travel a lot for the

• 14:30Speaker 01

  You travel a lot.

• 14:31Conan O'Brien?

  Travel show that I do.

• 14:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:33Conan O'Brien?

  Stream this podcast while ignoring local landmarks. That's always fun to do. Like, oh, look, there's the Mona Lisa. Yeah, check it out. I'm in the Louvre. I should, but I'm listening to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

• 14:43Speaker 01

  That doesn't seem like a good idea.

• 14:44Conan O'Brien?

  It's a great idea.

• 14:45Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 14:46Conan O'Brien?

  You know, you can see art anytime. But how often can you listen to this podcast?

• 14:51Speaker 01

  My god.

• 14:52Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Now, all these reasons make T-Mobile a great choice.

• 14:55Speaker 01

  I agree.

• 14:56Conan O'Brien?

  T-Mobile is stacking up reasons to join. Go to T-Mobile.com and find yours best, based on analysis by Ookla of speed test intelligence data, first half of 2026. Can't believe I read that. T-Satellite with capable devices in most outdoor areas in the US, where you can see the sky. High-speed international data with qualifying plan. Visit T-Mobile.com, consult a physician. I just threw that in there.

• 15:20Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 15:24Conan O'Brien?

  So, you have to admit, the holidays, it's really about hanging with the people you love.

• 15:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:31Conan O'Brien?

  And getting to be yourself. Not going to some stuffy holiday party where you need to conform to what the man wants you to think about the holidays.

• 15:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:40Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's about being yourself. Turn your holiday time into Miller time by enjoying a Miller Lite in a place where you're free to enjoy yourself. On a walk with a cousin. With a cousin? Why are they getting all specific about?

• 15:51Speaker 01

  Because it's family.

• 15:52Conan O'Brien?

  But what about a niece or a nephew?

• 15:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:56Conan O'Brien?

  Like a walk with an ex-wife?

• 15:59Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know. I mean, they're just throwing... That's a weird... They just made a very specific choice.

• 16:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:03Conan O'Brien?

  Now's the time for those unexpected holiday side guests and enjoy a great tasting light beer. 'Tis Miller time, as Dickens wrote. Miller Lite is brewed for taste, the taste you can depend on. The original light beer since 1975 and still iconic more than 50 years later. I like to be with my bros, my chums, my posse, crack open a Miller Lite, take a swig, a sip, look around and see my friends. We've known each other forever and we're just hanging out.

• 16:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, you guys are just doing chest bumps and high-fiving.

• 16:33Conan O'Brien?

  Miller Lite is great taste done right. Go to millerlite.com/conan to find delivery options near you or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. 'Tis Miller time. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

• 16:55Conan O'Brien?

  Stephanie, I know how to brighten this up.

• 16:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 16:58Conan O'Brien?

  I'm gonna do it right now.

• 16:59Speaker 03

  Go.

• 17:00Conan O'Brien?

  I, I take to heart what you said, and you shouldn't be self-conscious, because I want these discussions. Yes, it's nice when they're fun, but it's also heartening to talk to people who are out there dealing with the real problems in the world. So, don't feel badly about that, okay? And, um...

• 17:18Speaker 03

  I won't feel badly about my job, okay?

• 17:20Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah. If you want to feel badly about something, feel badly about thinking that I didn't understand the difference between geology and geography.

• 17:29Speaker 03

  I just, I just think we don't have geography at many schools, so I just am used to, it's a battle I've been fighting for years.

• 17:37Conan O'Brien?

  Do you feel that people have lost touch with the outside world? That we're all on our screens, that we've lost touch with nature?

• 17:47Speaker 03

  I think everyone should just get out more and breathe more oxygen and stop looking at your phones more. Yeah, I mean, as a, it's weird, there was an Onion Head of Land like 15 years ago that was like, humans look at glowing rectangles all day. And I was like, oh, it's only got worse.

• 18:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 18:02Speaker 03

  I think everyone should just talk to more people and go outside and look at a tree and be like, wow, how long has that tree been there?

• 18:07Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 18:07Speaker 03

  Well, I have.

• 18:08Conan O'Brien?

  I have an, I have an app on my phone called Nature, and I just click it, and it shows me pictures of nature. And it calms, it calms me. And then, you know, every, every 15 seconds, there's an ad. Usually, usually for a porn site. And then the porn sites are great. And sometimes they're, and I'll be honest with you, Stephanie, sometimes they're outside.

• 18:30Speaker 03

  What if you take your phone and you watch your porn outside, though? Does that work?

• 18:34Conan O'Brien?

  That's fine, too, but I'm just encouraging more outdoor porn. It's always in an indoor facility in the valley, and I'm thinking there should be more porn that's shot outside. What's, what's wrong with that? And I think it's because of splinters. I think that's the big thing that's getting in the way. People are like, you know, uh, I'm gonna get hurt, splinter, if I get in that position on top of that redwood. So, my point is... And I don't really think I have a point. I just say that sometimes when I know where I'm going. Um, Stephanie, I think you're right. We gotta get outside and we gotta also know what nature is. I think, I mean, there are people that don't know that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. They don't know that, you know, uh, they don't know how a tree grows, you know, that you, they don't know what's edible.

• 19:19Conan O'Brien?

  Like, sometimes I just go outside and I just start eating stuff. Berries and things to educate myself about what's edible and what's not. Now, the problem is I don't record it. I don't write anything down. I just start stuffing berries and leaves into my mouth. And then I have a very powerful diarrhea, sometimes violent vomiting, and, um, so that's a mistake. I think I'm probably going out at the wrong way.

• 19:41Speaker 03

  You're, you're employing the scientific method on your own.

• 19:45Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, but I'm not recording. A big part of the scientific method is record the data. I don't do that. Every time I go to the emergency room, they say, what did you eat? And I say, I don't know. I don't know.

• 19:57Speaker 03

  Something.

• 19:57Conan O'Brien?

  And then they, you know, yeah, but they usually do a biopsy on what's in my stomach and find out that.

• 20:05Conan O'Brien?

  You ate a piece of a fire hydrant.

• 20:07Speaker 03

  A lot of people don't know why we have seasons. That's the question that my students get wrong all of the time.

• 20:13Conan O'Brien?

  Why we have seasons?

• 20:15Speaker 03

  Why we have seasons? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 20:17Conan O'Brien?

  Could you explain to us why we have seasons? I know, but I want to make sure that our.

• 20:20Speaker 03

  You went to Harvard. Why do we have seasons?

• 20:22Conan O'Brien?

  I did not go to Harvard College. I went to Harvard Driving School.

• 20:27Conan O'Brien?

  And I was asked to leave because I couldn't parallel park. That's a common, uh, misapprehension. Well, I mean, the tilt of the earth has a lot to do with it.

• 20:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, nice job. Okay, great. A lot of people think distance from the sun, and that's not it. We're actually closer to the sun during the winter.

• 20:41Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, but of course, the angle of the earth tilts us farther away from the sun. Uh, but, you know, I don't like to brag about my own knowledge.

• 20:50Speaker 03

  I'm so proud.

• 20:52Conan O'Brien?

  So proud of me for knowing that the earth tilts every now and then, and that I know what a rock is. Stephanie.

• 20:59Speaker 03

  And a tree, maybe sometime. My bar is low. I don't know.

• 21:02Conan O'Brien?

  No, you seem fine. And, and your life, you said you have kids?

• 21:07Speaker 03

  I have two kids. I have a two-year-old and a four-year-old, and they're pretty feral. And my, my oldest is a budding mycologist. He loves mushrooms. We always go mushroom hunting, but he has a book and he does record what we, and he doesn't eat it. We don't let him eat the mushrooms.

• 21:22Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, the responsible parent. That's great. Uh, he's four years old and he's learning the difference between, you know, the, the safe and the dangerous mushrooms?

• 21:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, we have like a little mushroom fan club book. He's really into mushrooms.

• 21:35Conan O'Brien?

  He's got a mushroom fan club book? Listen, he's gonna be bullied. You know that, right?

• 21:40Speaker 03

  I know. You're not the first.

• 21:41Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no, but I just want to make sure that he learns self-defense. Cause David here was in a mushroom fan club.

• 21:47Speaker 04

  Things did not go well for me.

• 21:49Conan O'Brien?

  They were constantly smashing his glasses.

• 21:51Speaker 04

  Yeah, it was awful.

• 21:52Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and then he came to work for me and I smashed his glasses. Uh, but I think it's great. I, I, I applaud, I applaud young people being passionate about knowledge. And I, I, I think that's a great thing. I think that's really cool.

• 22:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, he gets outside. We make sure we get our kids outside. Yeah.

• 22:08Conan O'Brien?

  And, and who's we? Uh, who's your partner?

• 22:11Speaker 03

  My, my husband, Chris, who's a delight.

• 22:14Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not.

• 22:18Speaker 03

  Uh, he's, no, he's the best. He's actually the best.

• 22:20Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, cause when my wife says Conan's a delight, it means she wants me dead.

• 22:24Speaker 03

  No, no, no, no. He's the great. He's with my two kids right now who are homesick from school. He's the best. He's a behavior analyst and what he does, he's the most patient man on earth. So he, um, spends his days trying to, uh, help adults with disabilities just like successfully walk through the world.

• 22:39Conan O'Brien?

  Great. I mean, I think you two are killing it. Good for him.

• 22:42Speaker 03

  Thanks. Yeah, good for him. Yeah.

• 22:44Conan O'Brien?

  No, seriously. He's, I mean, I, I'm constantly surrounded in show business. I'm surrounded by people that are just out for themselves, trying to advance their own career. I mean, I've never done that. I've taken mine, worked very hard to drive mine into the gutter. Um, but, uh, but I think it's amazing. You sound like a, like both of you are working hard to make the world a better place. Do you two get along? It sounds like you get along pretty well. Does he ever use his behavioral techniques on you?

• 23:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, 100% all the time. Whenever we're arguing, a snack will appear out of nowhere and I fully know what he's doing and I will take the snack and it doesn't matter.

• 23:21Conan O'Brien?

  Wait a minute. Well, we did a Conan. Wait, if you're fighting with your husband and arguing, he'll pop a snack into your mouth?

• 23:27Speaker 03

  He'll just, well, he won't pop it into my mouth because it's a little much, but he'll be like, are you hungry? Do you want this thing over here? And I'll be like, yeah, I want that thing, but also.

• 23:36Conan O'Brien?

  Jesus, it's called a Scooby snack.

• 23:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:40Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, okay. Well, um, I guess, I mean, that's, that's, uh, has he ever tried to lead you through a maze with a snack?

• 23:49Speaker 03

  Oh, not yet.

• 23:50Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, that's good. I just picture.

• 23:52Speaker 03

  We have been or we have been orienteering together, but and the snacks were more for like my self-preservation.

• 23:58Conan O'Brien?

  Orienteering is when you run through the woods and you have a compass and you have, are you allowed to have a map with you when you're orienteering?

• 24:04Speaker 03

  You have a map because the map has checkpoints, but it's not, not like your phone and just a compass and you have to figure out how to get where you're going.

• 24:11Conan O'Brien?

  See, that's a great thing to know how to do. I dated someone once who was into orienteering and she used her orienteering skills to get away from me. Um, she got out of that relationship with a compass and a map. Um, Stephanie, how can I help you? Is there anything I can do to help you? Because a big part of my life is trying to help others.

• 24:35Speaker 03

  Okay, you've described that so well before. Um, yeah, I was, right. So I have these two little kiddos who are two and four, two boys and they just are wild. And I was just wondering what the best parenting advice you've ever received was and maybe how I can bring that into my daily life to not get so overwhelmed.

• 24:53Conan O'Brien?

  Do you have duct tape?

• 24:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 24:56Conan O'Brien?

  Duct tape is, yeah, get the really strong electrical kind. It doesn't break. And you tell them it's a fun game called, uh, sit still. You just duct tape them to something. Uh, I don't, you know, it's a, it is a tricky one. Um, cause all kids are different. Uh, and so how to get, are you trying to say how to, you want me to help you parent these two? You've described them as feral children that are running around the woods, grabbing mushrooms and stuffing them in their mouths.

• 25:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, and they grab our chickens and yeah, yeah, yeah, a hundred percent. They'll just like pick up snakes, even though another reason Central Virginia is bad is there are venomous snakes here and there aren't back where I'm from, New England. Uh, so yeah, how do I?

• 25:36Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, where are you from in New England?

• 25:38Speaker 03

  From Brockton, Massachusetts.

• 25:39Conan O'Brien?

  You're kidding. You buried the lead. I'm from Brookline, Massachusetts.

• 25:43Speaker 03

  I surprisingly know that. Yeah, I played Brookline High in, uh, sports a lot.

• 25:48Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, what sport?

• 25:50Speaker 03

  Golf, because I played golf to get out of running the mile in gym class.

• 25:54Conan O'Brien?

  You got out of- I respect that. I respect that. You, wait, to get out of running the mile, you played golf-

• 25:59Speaker 03

  If you played a varsity sport, you didn't have to run the mile. And I was like, I can do golf.

• 26:02Conan O'Brien?

  I love this. It's so stupid. I wanted to be a sprinter and I tried out for the Brookline High School track team and they made me a two miler. So I ran the two mile.

• 26:11Speaker 03

  Oh, that sucks.

• 26:12Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and they made me swing a golf club as I ran.

• 26:17Conan O'Brien?

  For no reason. It just looked funny. Um, wow. Yeah, I have miserable memories of, uh, of my days on the track team at Brookline High School. It not, no, wasn't anything Brookline High School did. It's just that I had the lungs of a, of a two-year-old child when I was in high school. And, um, it was not a fun experience. I don't think I was a good runner.

• 26:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, I, I'm not built to run either, which is why I tried to golf it out.

• 26:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Well, um, you're from Brockton and you've made your way to-

• 26:46Speaker 03

  I am from-

• 26:47Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, a play, even though you study maps and your specialty is where things are in the world, you have moved to a place you seem to despise.

• 26:58Speaker 03

  It's so hot here. It's so humid.

• 27:00Conan O'Brien?

  Then get out of there! Get out!

• 27:03Speaker 03

  It's so buggy.

• 27:04Conan O'Brien?

  Go! What's keeping you there?

• 27:06Speaker 03

  Academia, the whole hierarchy. It's so, it's so hard.

• 27:10Conan O'Brien?

  They have schools other places?

• 27:12Speaker 03

  I know, but they have to want me to.

• 27:17Speaker 03

  I, I, yeah, you're right. They have schools other places. I have, yeah, I don't know what to say. I'm a pod. I love my job here from 600 miles north. I would never leave.

• 27:27Conan O'Brien?

  You know what I love? I can't wait. I can't wait till word gets out, and it will, because this is a popular podcast. Stephanie, that you were pleading with a way to escape. And that you're desperately sending out applications to other schools.

• 27:42Speaker 03

  I go up for 10 years. Stop.

• 27:44Conan O'Brien?

  You're up for 10 year? Not anymore. Not anymore. You're gonna be eating mushrooms day in and day out. You're gonna be living in the woods with a compass.

• 27:53Speaker 03

  I love it here.

• 27:54Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, I love it here. I love it here on the ninth level of Dante's hell. Oh, Stephanie.

• 28:04Speaker 03

  People here know how I feel about Richmond.

• 28:06Conan O'Brien?

  Sure, they do. They do now. They do now.

• 28:10Speaker 03

  Oh, they did before.

• 28:11Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Well, listen, um, I hope I've helped you. I think I've helped you move out of that job. And once you're homeless, once you're homeless, you'll have to move on, and you can move back to Brockton.

• 28:26Speaker 03

  Yup. Yeah. I can, my parents moved out of Brock. They're in Wilmington now. So, but yeah. I guess I would go somewhere around northern, north of Boston. I can't afford that. No one can afford that.

• 28:38Conan O'Brien?

  What are you talking about? First of all, it doesn't sound like, I mean, your children can feed themselves. They sound pretty much like wildebeest, so they don't need clothing. These two monsters, yeah, they'll just be. You'll just have them on long ropes. And you and your husband will be walking around the woods, and you'll be saying, look, a tree. Isn't it crazy? And your husband will give you a snack to change the topic. Stephanie, it's all a mess.

• 29:08Speaker 03

  What a perfect life you've just envisioned. Like, I love it here.

• 29:12Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, too late, Stephanie.

• 29:15Speaker 03

  I know.

• 29:16Conan O'Brien?

  Um, listen, it's been really nice talking to you. And why don't you check in with us and tell us what your new city and new profession is in about six weeks? It's too late, Stephanie. You did this to yourself. And you know what? This was a cry for help. You didn't... Don't worry about it.

• 29:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, I actually didn't have a question about parenting. It's how do I get out of this job? But I do like... This is in a place I don't like.

• 29:39Conan O'Brien?

  Too late. You're just digging the hole deeper and deeper. And as you know from geography and geology, if you dig deep enough, you'll end up in China. All right, Stephanie, I gotta run, but you take care, okay?

• 29:52Speaker 03

  Thank you so much.

• 29:52Conan O'Brien?

  And say hi to your kids. Greg and Greg. Those monsters.

• 29:57Speaker 03

  Close enough.

• 29:58Conan O'Brien?

  All right, take care.

• 29:58Speaker 03

  Greg and Greg.

• 29:59Conan O'Brien?

  Bye-bye.

• 29:59Speaker 03

  Bye.

• 30:01Speaker 04

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

• 30:18Speaker 04

  Supervising producer Aaron Blaird, associate talent producer Jennifer Samples, associate producers Sean Dougherty and Lisa Berman, engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are done.

• 30:46Conan O'Brien?

  Hey there. Conan O'Brien here to tell you how you can get even more from me and many of your other favorite shows. If you want to be the first to hear new episodes ad-free and a whole week early, subscribe to SiriusXM Podcast Plus on Apple Podcasts or visit siriusxm.com/podcastplus to start your free trial today. Now, I'm excited to give those of you who want a chance to listen early a chance to do so because I know you just can't wait a whole extra week to hear my beautiful, reedy, annoying voice. So go subscribe and be the first to listen right now.