Pod Insights Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend The Conan and Jordan Show – Consumer Watchdog About this episode On this episode of “The Conan and Jordan Show”, Conan and Jordan discuss Conan’s Hot Ones experience and their birthdays. Jordan debuts his new “Consumer Watchdog” segment.
Transcript 11,832 words · 7 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:02 Conan O'Brien? Who do you shop for first on the holidays, Sona? Was it, do you shop for the kids or do you shop for Tac?
0:06 Speaker 01 My kids.
0:07 Conan O'Brien? Okay.
0:07 Speaker 01 Or Oki.
0:08 Conan O'Brien? You gotta get them your stuff.
0:08 Speaker 01 Or my dog.
0:09 Conan O'Brien? And then your husband is last. Well, guess what? It's that time of year. You feel that, you smell that cinnamon cider in the air? Do you smell that?
0:18 Speaker 01 Yeah.
0:19 Conan O'Brien? And you see pumpkins around, people buying turkeys. A little early to buy a turkey.
0:23 Speaker 01 Yeah.
0:24 Conan O'Brien? Doesn't matter. Holidays? I would say it's just around the corner, but that's a cliche. It's very nearby in the cupboard. Well, guess what? Amazon delivers joy with low prices on the gifts you want even this early in the season. So get ahead of the season. Shop early gifts, top picks, holiday decor, and advent calendars at low prices. Get ahead, start on holiday gifting with Amazon's low prices. Shop now at amazon.com/holiday.
0:55 Conan O'Brien? The holidays are supposed to be about making memories, not managing the mess that comes with them. Between winter weather, road trips, shopping, and family gatherings, your vehicle can take a beating. Mine sure does.
1:06 Speaker 01 Same.
1:06 Conan O'Brien? Especially when I'm back in the Northeast, driving around. I mean, I grew up with that.
1:10 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:10 Conan O'Brien? Cars would rip the salt on the road, people throwing rocks at me.
1:14 Speaker 01 Whaaat?
1:15 Conan O'Brien? That's not a weather thing. That's more of a me being, making people angry problem. WeatherTech helps protect your vehicle from snow, slush, salt, and seasonal messes. They also make the best gifts for automobile protection, from floor liners and cargo liner to side window deflectors, even gift cards. Great for today and to prevent future messes. Everything is built to last, easy to clean, and designed for harsh winter conditions, okay? I grew up with this.
1:41 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:42 Conan O'Brien? And the salt would eat away the car. We actually did have a Chevy. My dad had a Chevy Impala, and the floor rusted out and you could see the road going by.
1:49 Speaker 01 Oh!
1:50 Conan O'Brien? Boy, we were praying for WeatherTech and we didn't even know it. That was before it existed.
1:55 Speaker 01 That's cool.
1:56 Conan O'Brien? So get a gift today at weathertech.com.
2:10 Conan O'Brien? Yes. Hey there. If you're hearing that song, it means it's the Conan and Jordan Show.
2:17 Speaker 02 That's correct. You know, as I was listening to that song, something occurred to me.
2:21 Conan O'Brien? By Rush.
2:22 Speaker 02 I believe, listening to it, that that's the 2015 Sean McGee remaster. He works at Abbey Road Studios. He did the Beatles 2009 CD set. Anyway, it's got good dynamic range, but I just thought of a new show. You know, I have a hobby that you may not be aware of. I collect various CD pressings from all over the world.
2:39 Conan O'Brien? I didn't know that.
2:39 Speaker 02 Yeah, so modern music is generally standardized and whatever country you live in, you're getting the same CD quality. But back in the eighties and nineties, CDs in different countries had different sounds. They were mastered by different people and I always pick my favorite. I've spent many thousands of dollars on this hobby. I have my favorite versions of moving pictures. In fact, the Atomic CD from Mercury with the Matrix number ending from three to five is my favorite. Anyway, so here's my idea.
3:04 Conan O'Brien? Can I just say one thing?
3:04 Speaker 02 Yeah.
3:05 Conan O'Brien? I don't believe in judging other people's passions.
3:07 Speaker 02 Okay.
3:07 Conan O'Brien? But that's a stupid hobby.
3:08 Speaker 02 Okay.
3:09 Conan O'Brien? Because no one listens to CDs anymore. It's an outmoded.
3:11 Speaker 02 Well, you like music. You, and if I tell you I can give you the best Beatles pressing, whatever you're listening to Rubber Soul on, I can give you a better version of Rubber Soul, okay? I would take the 1965 Stereo 2-cut vinyl pressing by a certain vinyl ripper that I know. But my whole point is.
3:27 Conan O'Brien? I think you are the ripper. My point is, my, my, my point is, Jordan, before you get into your idea, I just want to slow you down because you came out of the gate hot.
3:34 Speaker 02 Yes, well, I was inspired.
3:35 Conan O'Brien? You were like a bucking bronco. We play that song because that's one of your, your favorite band is Rush.
3:40 Speaker 02 Yes.
3:41 Conan O'Brien? And you got to know them because of the fame that you accrued on my show, you got to know Rush.
3:46 Speaker 02 Yeah.
3:47 Conan O'Brien? And they actually let you come out at one of their concerts onstage with them, which I imagine was.
3:52 Speaker 02 A couple.
3:53 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, okay. Well, and one time you were invited and the other times you sort of rushed the stage. But my point, and I'm getting to my point, is that you heard, that's why we play the Rush song up top is because you're a fanatic for it. But then you launch in this whole thing about CDs. Everyone, every audio file agrees that CD is not the way to listen to music. Respond.
4:15 Speaker 02 Well, this is a cliche and a theory by those that are uneducated. Sometimes a vinyl pressing will sound-
4:20 Conan O'Brien? You're calling Neil Young uneducated? Jack White uneducated?
4:23 Speaker 02 I know Neil-
4:24 Conan O'Brien? These are master musicians.
4:25 Speaker 02 Neil Young appreciates the value of dynamic range. It was featured heavily in his Pono Music Service. Nevertheless, sometimes the format itself is mostly irrelevant, okay? What is relevant is the particular mastering. So sometimes the CD will have the better mastering. Sometimes the vinyl will have the better mastering. I have so much to say on this subject.
4:44 Conan O'Brien? I know you do. I'm here to help you. First of all, you understand that the point of doing a show on the radio like this is to get people to listen.
4:53 Speaker 02 Yeah.
4:54 Conan O'Brien? Okay? Get them hooked.
4:55 Speaker 02 Yeah.
4:56 Conan O'Brien? You are driving them out right now.
4:58 Speaker 02 So say you. There are people, there's a community. I'm part of online forums. There's a community of people like me out there.
5:04 Conan O'Brien? I know you're a part of online forums. And I know that you guys-
5:07 Speaker 02 It's called the Jordan Schlansky Music Hour, okay? I bring in my extensive collection of music.
5:12 Conan O'Brien? This is the Conan and Jordan show.
5:13 Speaker 02 No, I am talking, do you need content for this station? Because I have an idea. This is free content. I do an hour every week and I play my favorite pressings of different songs. John Parsnay almost fired. Do you know that the first note is upcut on most of the CD releases? However, there's one particular one where the note is intact. Don't you think your viewers would want to hear that?
5:32 Conan O'Brien? Okay, I'm just turning to our SXM official in the room. Identify yourself, sir, if you don't mind, very quickly.
5:40 Speaker 03 Andrew Grus.
5:41 Conan O'Brien? Okay, Andrew Grus. Andrew, and just be completely honest, because you guys run a business at SXM. Is what Jordan's pitching of interest to you?
5:51 Speaker 03 It feels a little niche, but I'm willing to hear an hour.
5:54 Speaker 02 Yeah. Oh my god. But I also have facts about these songs that people don't understand.
5:59 Conan O'Brien? Jesus, that is not what I wanted, Grus. Gruce, that was your chance to shut, that was your chance to put out a forest fire.
6:05 Speaker 02 I have some things to say about Andrew Gruce, since we've brought him up.
6:08 Conan O'Brien? I love Andrew Gruce.
6:09 Speaker 02 Now, here's why, here's why I think Andrew Gruce has such charisma and is such a compelling person, okay? Physically, he's a very powerful man, powerful and imposing, I think we'll all agree.
6:19 Conan O'Brien? Are you like 6'6", 6'7"? Okay, he's 6'6", 6'7".
6:22 Speaker 02 He's tall, he's got a great musculature.
6:23 Conan O'Brien? All right, go easy.
6:24 Speaker 02 Okay.
6:24 Conan O'Brien? I thought you were married, okay?
6:26 Speaker 02 Yeah, okay, so his posture is solid, he feels like he would not blow over. But, he is the sweetest, most gentle guy, and I think it's-
6:36 Conan O'Brien? Are you gonna use, are you gonna use the term gentle giant?
6:38 Speaker 02 Yeah, he's a gentle giant, but it's his sweetness in combination with his physical nature that makes him so fascinating, and it reminds me of kinda Michael Crawford, the original Phantom of the Opera.
6:50 Conan O'Brien? Okay, all right.
6:51 Speaker 02 Who starred, who starred in 1986 in The West End, and then moved to Broadway in 1988. Listen, he was a menacing character, okay, and he was terrifying, but he had an effeminate voice. He, when he would sing high, those notes, it's kinda like early Billy Joel before cigarettes got to him. If you look at the 1975 Old Gray Whistle Test performance of Piano Man, his voice is so pure and high, and it's that combination of the masculine, rough-and-tumble nature with that-
7:14 Conan O'Brien? Frank, Frank, that's not helping, you know, that's just, that's cruel, and that's an old cliche of this falling asleep. And we're not gonna do that here, we're gonna rise above that, I'm just gonna tell him to shut his yap.
7:21 Speaker 02 Okay.
7:22 Conan O'Brien? You've gotta stop. Now, Jordan.
7:25 Speaker 02 Yes.
7:25 Conan O'Brien? I like, this seems to be a back and forth.
7:28 Speaker 02 Yeah.
7:28 Conan O'Brien? And I feel what's happening here is I take the tennis ball, and I hit it over to your side across the net, and you grab it, and you shove it up your ass and walk away. There's no, there's no back and forth here.
7:38 Speaker 02 I'm saying-
7:38 Conan O'Brien? So let's not do that, let's have a real conversation.
7:40 Speaker 02 But I think we should have free time, like, I know you have scheduled things, an agenda, if you will, but I think we should leave time to just discuss things that are interested, uh, that we're interested by at any particular time.
7:51 Conan O'Brien? No, no, that one would find interesting, I think should be the, the key, not just that you find interesting.
7:55 Speaker 02 Well, uh, me and you, because, uh, we are 50% stakeholders in this show, not financially, of course.
8:00 Conan O'Brien? Of course not, no, you'll never see a dime from this.
8:02 Speaker 02 But in terms of content, I would like to think-
8:04 Conan O'Brien? Let's talk about something that is relatable.
8:06 Speaker 02 Well, I have something I would like to ask you, why is it that you wear that-
8:08 Conan O'Brien? Same shirt on every.
8:09 Speaker 02 Oh, yes, the, uh, the famous, um, practice of Albert Einstein.
8:14 Conan O'Brien? It's, I, oh, excuse me, it's Einstein.
8:16 Speaker 02 Oh, no, it's Einstein. No, he was a German.
8:19 Conan O'Brien? I know, but people just say Einstein.
8:20 Speaker 02 Well, I say Einstein in the country of Germany where he comes from. He said Einstein.
8:24 Conan O'Brien? You are not in Germany right now. You just say Einstein.
8:26 Speaker 02 I don't need to be in Germany. I know how to pronounce the man's name. It's Einstein.
8:30 Conan O'Brien? I, I, I've lived a good, long life. I've spoken to many people. This, uh, great mind has come up many times. I've never heard anybody say Einstein.
8:38 Speaker 02 Well, now you've heard it.
8:40 Conan O'Brien? All right, I, uh.
8:42 Speaker 02 Okay.
8:42 Conan O'Brien? Uh, if I, I just, I wish I had a mild acid, a very mild acid that I could throw on you.
8:47 Speaker 02 As described by Jeff Goldblum in nineteen eighty-six's The Fly by David Cronenberg. Uh, Albert Einstein wore the same outfit every day so he didn't have to devote mental energy into choosing his outfit. We, we are weakening by every decision we make.
9:00 Conan O'Brien? Steve Jobs did the same thing. He always wore the same outfit.
9:03 Speaker 02 It goes back to Albert Einstein.
9:05 Conan O'Brien? Einstein, um, and Steve Jobs, uh.
9:10 Conan O'Brien? But, but my point, Jordan, is that, uh, I see why they didn't want to devote valuable energy.
9:16 Speaker 02 Right.
9:16 Conan O'Brien? Of the mind, but you have. I, I want to put this in a way that's not insulting, but, uh, you know, I would be okay with you using up some of your brain, not on Rush or on the best place to get a weird upcut of a CD for St. Elmo's Fire and a little more on just picking out a shirt.
9:34 Speaker 02 I want to avoid the upcut. Nobody wants the upcut. Everybody wants that solid first note.
9:39 Conan O'Brien? I'm fine with the St. Elmo's Fire that came out, right?
9:42 Speaker 02 You don't know what you're fine with. You take what you're given. You subscribe to compressed music services. I like, uh, uncompressed, high-dynamic range music.
9:48 Conan O'Brien? Do you know the lyrics to St. Elmo's Fire?
9:50 Speaker 02 Yeah.
9:50 Conan O'Brien? Let's hear them.
9:51 Speaker 02 Uh, what part would you like?
9:53 Conan O'Brien? Just go.
9:54 Speaker 02 Growing up, um, well, you know what? I, we've talked about.
9:58 Conan O'Brien? You got it? You got it or you don't have it?
10:01 Speaker 02 I could see a new horizon underneath a blazing sky. I'll be where the eagles are flying higher and higher.
10:08 Conan O'Brien? You're under arrest.
10:09 Speaker 02 Yeah.
10:09 Conan O'Brien? You're under arrest for knowing that much of it. And you know what?
10:12 Speaker 02 Yeah.
10:12 Conan O'Brien? No judge will disagree with me.
10:13 Speaker 02 You know Charles in charge.
10:15 Conan O'Brien? Charles in charge of our days and our nights. Charles in charge of our wrongs and our rights. I want Charles in charge of me. Now, it's cool that I know that.
10:25 Speaker 02 But do you know what I don't like? The second season of all the sitcoms, like, let's take Perfect Strangers. Great, great theme songs. Sometimes the world looks perfect. And then the second season, they always had to add this keyboard flourish.
10:36 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
10:36 Speaker 02 Or, or look at Growing Pains, you know, show me that smile again. But the second season, Jennifer Warrens has to join and make it a duet. And she doesn't add, like, her lyrics are the same lyrics that were originally there. She doesn't add anything. She just echoes the original lyrics.
10:48 Conan O'Brien? You know what I love? The world right now, many people believe is in a very dire position. War, violence, hatred, uh, climate madness. We could be seeing the end of civilization as we know it. And you, these are the things that you want to talk about. These are the things that, uh, you're impassioned about.
11:06 Speaker 02 Uh, negativity doesn't lessen my passion for the things that I love. And in fact, it, it enforces it.
11:11 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, no.
11:12 Speaker 02 Yeah.
11:12 Conan O'Brien? Well, uh, I admire that. I want to talk about something you, I agree with you about negativity.
11:16 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm.
11:17 Conan O'Brien? I'm gonna bring up a positive thing, which is that you and I both had birthdays last week.
11:21 Speaker 02 That's right.
11:22 Conan O'Brien? Yours was April 13th.
11:23 Speaker 02 Yes.
11:23 Conan O'Brien? And mine was April 18th.
11:25 Speaker 02 Yes.
11:26 Conan O'Brien? Did you have a nice birthday?
11:27 Speaker 02 Uh, my birthday was adequate.
11:29 Conan O'Brien? How did you celebrate it?
11:31 Speaker 02 You know, I am, uh, I'm a private man, uh, some say an introvert, some say an observer of humanity. I like to be the observer, not the observed. I don't typically publicize.
11:42 Conan O'Brien? I asked you, how was your birthday? And I get this weird, it's like you're reading from a Kafka novel.
11:48 Speaker 02 Yes.
11:48 Conan O'Brien? I am a ma- a man. You know, we see a man. What, what? Why? Why?
11:52 Speaker 02 Well, you know, I don't like to be, um, uh, celebrated in any way or acknowledged.
11:57 Conan O'Brien? Trust me, not a problem.
11:58 Speaker 02 Yeah.
11:58 Conan O'Brien? Not a problem.
11:59 Speaker 02 Right. What I'm saying is, I don't like any attention, okay? I, I prefer to watch things unfold with, um, you know, sporadic, um, participation. Yet I don't like people to know, uh, things about me. And I don't like them to know when it's my birthday. And I don't like any attention that I might receive, should people know that it were my birthday.
12:17 Conan O'Brien? You like to peer at people, like, say, through a window. Would that be, is that where you're most comfortable doing?
12:20 Speaker 02 I mean, that's, uh, an analogy, I guess, that one might use.
12:23 Conan O'Brien? No, no, I'm, not an analogy at all.
12:25 Speaker 02 Right.
12:26 Conan O'Brien? You're comfortable watching others from a distance and observing them.
12:29 Speaker 02 Right. You go on
12:30 Speaker 04 Trips by yourself.
12:31 Speaker 02 I do. Yeah, I'm an observer. I'm a student. I'm a perpetual student.
12:35 Conan O'Brien? How is your wife, because you are married somehow, and she's lovely. I don't under- none of us were all baffled. And you have wonderful children. When you tell her, um, my dearest, love of my life, my companion, I'm off to Patagonia by myself.
12:51 Speaker 02 Yes.
12:51 Conan O'Brien? So I can look at people through windows.
12:53 Speaker 02 Yes.
12:53 Conan O'Brien? What does she say?
12:55 Speaker 02 You know, there are different people across this great planet, and for any type of person, there's someone that adores them.
13:04 Conan O'Brien? I'll translate that for every Mickey, there's a Minnie.
13:07 Speaker 02 Yeah.
13:07 Conan O'Brien? So you're saying your wife's cool with it?
13:09 Speaker 02 I'm-
13:10 Conan O'Brien? She's probably quite eager. Does she get- do you notice palpable excitement when you say you're leaving for a while?
13:16 Speaker 02 What I'm saying is, while you may not appreciate all my nuances, uh, there are people that do appreciate these things.
13:22 Speaker 04 Has anyone seen his wife?
13:24 Conan O'Brien? I have met her. She's lovely.
13:25 Speaker 02 Yeah.
13:25 Speaker 04 Oh, really?
13:26 Conan O'Brien? She's lovely. I've met his wife, yeah. And she's, she's very nice. She's, uh, you married well, Jordan, and she's a saint. My god. But she must have some system for you that I have not cracked yet, where she gets you to be quiet. Because I haven't figured it out. Does she have a way? Does she have a signal that she gives you? Is there a bucket she puts over your head?
13:44 Speaker 02 It's possible-
13:45 Conan O'Brien? A quiet time bucket?
13:46 Speaker 02 That there are some people that enjoy hearing what I have to say.
13:53 Conan O'Brien? That's the funniest thing you've said in a while. Hey, um, let's talk birthday guests.
13:58 Speaker 04 Yes, yeah, so-
13:59 Conan O'Brien? Oh, I'm, I'm, you know, I know what I'm doing here, but you go ahead, Frank. Oh, go ahead. Go ahead.
14:02 Speaker 04 First of all-
14:03 Conan O'Brien? I'm new to hosting.
14:03 Speaker 04 Did you know it was his birthday before you saw the note?
14:06 Conan O'Brien? Of course not. I was walking into the booth and you handed me a thing that said it was Jordan's birthday last week. By the way, I didn't hear from Jordan on my birthday.
14:12 Speaker 02 Yeah.
14:13 Conan O'Brien? So, you know.
14:14 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, I-
14:15 Conan O'Brien? Could you, could you have sent me a message or something?
14:17 Speaker 02 Well, I assume you got a lot of attention on that day, and, uh, I'll save it till I see you and I can wish you a happy birthday in person.
14:23 Conan O'Brien? Well, I'm still waiting.
14:24 Speaker 02 Happy birthday.
14:25 Conan O'Brien? Thank you. That was worth the wait.
14:27 Speaker 02 But I am aware of your birthday. I'm aware of your, you know, nineteen sixty, April eighteenth, nineteen sixty-three. Uh-
14:32 Conan O'Brien? Oh, great.
14:32 Speaker 02 I'm aware that you're an Aries, uh, Adiass, if you prefer the, uh, correct pronunciation.
14:36 Conan O'Brien? Would you say, no, people just say Aries?
14:38 Speaker 02 Yes, they do. But, um, nevertheless, I'm aware of your birthday.
14:41 Conan O'Brien? What astrological sign was Einstein?
14:43 Speaker 02 Yes. What I'm saying is, on your birthday, I take a minute-
14:46 Conan O'Brien? He was a Taurus.
14:47 Speaker 02 Yes, that's Taurus, you know, Toro in Spanish or Italian, the bull, Taurus. But, but my point is, on your birthday, I did silently acknowledge to myself that it was your birthday.
14:58 Conan O'Brien? Nice, that's, that's, that's what real good friends do.
15:00 Speaker 02 Today is Conan's birthday, yeah.
15:03 Speaker 04 I could bring up something that, uh, from the last episode. You talked about Conan ruining The Phantom Menace for you.
15:09 Speaker 02 Oh, yes, yes.
15:09 Conan O'Brien? The premiere of The Phantom Menace back in 1999, you told a harrowing tale of how much you were looking forward to it, and you're sitting there and you're ready, and this is a big deal because it's the first Star Wars movie that's come out in a long time.
15:24 Speaker 02 There was one moment in particular that I had anticipated, one moment in time.
15:28 Conan O'Brien? Which was?
15:29 Speaker 02 Which was that silence between the 20th Century Fox Fanfare and the opening music by John Williams. All I wanted was that moment.
15:36 Conan O'Brien? All you wanted was that moment?
15:37 Speaker 02 Out of the two hours, I wanted that one moment. Now, what are the chances?
15:39 Conan O'Brien? Now, can I just say, in the story you told, I enter right behind you and I'm, two seats have been saved for me uh, because of my status.
15:48 Speaker 02 And I could tell by the person you were with, you were there in an ironic fashion. You were there to kind of look at the fans and see how they react to the stimulus.
15:56 Conan O'Brien? No, no.
15:56 Speaker 02 I knew, I knew what was happening.
15:58 Conan O'Brien? It was an accident that I was placed right behind Jordan. And then, um, of course, uh, you know, I have to lean forward. I, I see that Jordan's there.
16:06 Speaker 02 You have to lean forward. It's like some calling that you have.
16:08 Conan O'Brien? And I, uh, you know, I'm doing, uh, giving you a little free shtick. Shtick that other people would pay top moolah for, you're getting for free, and you were enraged and said it ruined the experience. There's been a lot of fan response.
16:20 Speaker 04 Right. Somebody did make the point of, in hindsight, Conan was probably the best part of that screening.
16:26 Speaker 02 Not for me.
16:28 Conan O'Brien? What's your favorite, uh, part of that movie?
16:30 Speaker 02 The part where you weren't cracking jokes in my ear.
16:33 Conan O'Brien? Okay, well, anyway. I, uh, if you're a fan out there and you ever want to watch that movie and you'd like me behind you, uh, I'll do it for free.
16:42 Speaker 02 What I'm saying is, I appreciate the, the place of humor in the world, and certainly your humor, no question. But there are times where I want to be emotionally moved. Do you, like, is your brain, your brain fascinates me. You're clearly an extraordinary man, okay? You know, there are times where you... Want to look at a piece of art and be brought to tears? Do you want, do you cry at mood? Like, are you always cracking jokes in your head? Like with this ironic stance? Like, if you feel emotion wellinging you, do you have to pivot into like cynicism? And kind of like deconstructing in a comedic fashion?
17:13 Conan O'Brien? I don't think I'm a cynical person at all.
17:14 Speaker 02 Do you, do you tear up at movies? Like, when you watch Interstellar, the end of Interstellar, for example?
17:19 Conan O'Brien? What are you talking about? I don't tear up at movies. I don't, no, I don't have time for that. And I'm not gonna go look at a painting and go boo hoo. That's not gonna happen to me, no.
17:27 Speaker 02 It's fascinating. I know our brains are wired differently. I just, I'm always curious as to the extent of it. So you don't put on movies, you don't shit it?
17:35 Conan O'Brien? When I go to, when I go to a museum, when I go to a great museum and I'm walking, I'm thinking, what's funny about this? I'm not laughing. Where's the, where's the gags?
17:44 Speaker 02 Right.
17:44 Conan O'Brien? Do you know what I mean? I remember looking, I stared at Guernica for like half an hour. I'm like, I don't get it. Nobody's laughing.
17:51 Speaker 02 Right.
17:52 Conan O'Brien? And I've had that experience many times. I looked at Michelangelo's David. You probably have a very specific pronunciation from Michelangelo's David, don't you?
17:59 Speaker 02 Davy Day.
18:00 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
18:02 Conan O'Brien? I looked at Davy Day. And I was like, I don't get it. It's a guy with his cock hanging out in the wind. What's the big deal? Where's the laffaroos? That's me.
18:11 Speaker 02 What I'm saying is when you're alone and there's no audience, do you like, it's like late at night and you're watching like a movie, like the end scene of Gladiator. Do you, are you like cracking jokes in your head at completely inopportune times?
18:23 Conan O'Brien? He's dying and it looks like they put him on a skateboard.
18:25 Speaker 02 Okay.
18:26 Conan O'Brien? And they're dragging him around.
18:27 Speaker 02 I know the shot you're talking about.
18:28 Conan O'Brien? Oh, yeah. He's got wheels on his back.
18:30 Speaker 02 Yeah.
18:30 Conan O'Brien? Ah, Russell Crowe, he's a skateboard. Hey, they should put UPS boxes on him and use him to move packages around. That's how they could use the Gladiator. Hey, he's dying, but hey, we can still move these boxes. Hee hee hee, that's a funny bit. I better call my writers and get them working on it. The Gladiator, greatest way to move packages.
18:50 Speaker 02 See, that's your curse. You, you bring so much-
18:52 Conan O'Brien? Curse, curse, blessing, I say.
18:55 Speaker 02 You bring so much joy, you bring so much joy and you have such an extraordinary mind, but your curse is you can't shut it off and you're tortured 24/7 by cracking jokes, by feeling the need to crack jokes at every emotional event that- What happens?
19:08 Conan O'Brien? Shut, shutting it off. I mean, who wants to shut off Willy Wonka's chocolate fountain? Nobody.
19:12 Speaker 02 Don't you want to get lost in a beautiful moment?
19:14 Conan O'Brien? Oh, boo hoo. No, I don't want to get lost. I want a GPS at all times. I don't, you're saying, oh, isn't it the great tragedy of my life is that these gems sometimes have to stop? No, no one else is thinking that. Everyone else is saying, give me more of them gems.
19:29 Speaker 02 Yeah.
19:31 Speaker 04 You don't appreciate the gems?
19:33 Speaker 02 I'm saying there's a time and a place for everything. There are times that I want gems and then there are times-
19:37 Conan O'Brien? A time to sow, a time to reap, a time for you to go to sleep, a time to refrain from embrasures.
19:47 Speaker 02 Yeah. What do you got there Frankie?
19:49 Speaker 04 You want a birthday?
19:50 Speaker 02 Oh, okay.
19:50 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, look at that.
19:51 Speaker 02 Well, that's-
19:52 Conan O'Brien? Jesus, you did that very well Frank.
19:54 Speaker 04 Thank you.
19:55 Conan O'Brien? Frank was a magician's assistant for eight seconds before he was fired.
19:59 Speaker 02 You know, one-
20:00 Conan O'Brien? All right, now you, that's nice. You earned a nice hat.
20:02 Speaker 02 That's right. One may think after so many decades that your extraordinary mind doesn't necessarily impress me on a daily basis. Uh, even I have thought these things sometimes, but then every once in a while, there's something like the Hot Ones appearance and I'm newly amazed all over again. I mean, that was just a fantastic masterclass.
20:20 Conan O'Brien? Oh, please.
20:20 Speaker 02 I mean, there's so, there's so much to say about it. Um, I appreciated the show. I appreciated the host. I appreciated a quality of the host that reminded me of you back on the old Late Night Show in that in the Late Night Show, you created a venue to showcase comedy and let that comedy shine, even if in that particular moment, it wasn't you personally shining. And I think they have a great format, um, very clever in that it disarms the guest and, and presents more accurate depiction of the true guest, but they also, as much as their format, they're not rigid about their format and they allowed you, they knew you came in with material. Your great strength was you were always there as much or as little as your guest needed you to be. So if you had someone like Martin Short and Tom Hanks that came with material,
21:02 Speaker 02 you knew when to shut up and kind of let them do their thing. And if you, and if you're with someone that needed some assistance, you were there to give some support. And I think it's kind of the same thing. He knew that you came with material and he was happy to kind of let you run with it and-
21:15 Conan O'Brien? He's a great sleep machine, by the way.
21:16 Speaker 02 No, I'm not. So I thought the host was great. The host was obviously well researched, which is to discuss.
21:21 Conan O'Brien? First of all, I, this is a compliment.
21:23 Speaker 02 Yes.
21:24 Conan O'Brien? Now, when he drones on, but it's a compliment, I let him go.
21:27 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, we have free time on this show. We can, this is free time. This is part of, I have the floor. I have the floor.
21:33 Conan O'Brien? Whoa.
21:33 Speaker 02 This is what I choose to talk about.
21:34 Conan O'Brien? You know what I love? You're demanding, you're demanding respect while wearing a pointy hat. Yeah, but you, I love that you were demanding, "I have the floor, I have the floor."
21:41 Speaker 02 Yes.
21:41 Conan O'Brien? And you're, you're dressed like a jester, a chimp, a chump, you know? You know what I mean? I love it. I love it. I will be taken seriously. Time to get in your clown car there, Binky. But.
21:53 Speaker 02 This show is a slow burn, okay? We're not looking for like hit, hit, hit, hit.
21:57 Conan O'Brien? I'm always looking for hit, hit, hit.
21:58 Speaker 02 People are just driving. They enjoy just like human conversation. You see, here we are, here we are, two men, and we're just, we're just talking.
22:06 Conan O'Brien? You keep saying we're men, and you keep saying we're human.
22:08 Speaker 02 We're two men. We are relatable to humanity because they look at us. They look at us, and maybe we represent parts of their own psychology.
22:17 Conan O'Brien? You're a profoundly.
22:17 Speaker 02 And here we are interacting. What I'm saying is there are parts of us that are relatable to the listeners. And, and you may think there's an expectation that we have to keep things moving at a certain comedic pacing. And I, and I enjoy just talking to you.
22:29 Conan O'Brien? Okay.
22:29 Speaker 02 Yeah.
22:29 Conan O'Brien? Well, I was gonna say the same. I, I think, I think the.
22:34 Speaker 02 Were Jose's lines completely ad-libbed?
22:36 Conan O'Brien? Yes.
22:37 Speaker 02 Completely by, by him.
22:37 Conan O'Brien? Jose Arroyo, brilliant writer, uh, who I brought in as Dr. Arroyo because I always like him to play my doctor in any kind of sketch. Uh, and that's Jose Arroyo, and, and we, that was just all improv.
22:47 Speaker 02 But lines like it was supposed to be, you know, it was a four-year medic. A hundred percent, great.
22:51 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
22:51 Speaker 02 Yeah.
22:51 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, that's the real deal.
22:52 Speaker 02 Great.
22:53 Speaker 04 Should we move on to the next segment? We're gonna be right back with a, a new segment called Jordan Schlansky, Consumer Watchdog.
23:03 Conan O'Brien? Who do you shop for first on the holidays, Sona? Was it, do you shop for the kids, or do you shop for Tac?
23:08 Speaker 01 My kids.
23:08 Conan O'Brien? Okay.
23:09 Speaker 01 Or Oki.
23:09 Conan O'Brien? You gotta get them your stuff.
23:10 Speaker 01 Or my dog.
23:11 Conan O'Brien? And then your, your husband is last. Well, guess what? It's that time of year. You feel that, you smell that, uh, that, that cinnamon cider in the air. Do you smell that?
23:20 Speaker 01 Yeah.
23:21 Conan O'Brien? And you see pumpkins around, people buying turkeys. Little early to buy a turkey.
23:25 Speaker 01 Yeah.
23:25 Conan O'Brien? Doesn't matter. Holidays? I would say it's just around the corner, but that's a cliche. It's, uh, very nearby in the cupboard. Well, guess what? Amazon delivers joy with low prices on the gifts you want, even this early in the season. So get ahead to the season. Shop early gifts, top picks, holiday decor, and advent calendars at low prices. Get ahead, start on holiday gifting with Amazon's low prices. Shop now at amazon.com/holiday.
23:58 Conan O'Brien? We all have those pieces in our closet we can count on. Sona, I imagine for you it's that leather jacket I got you.
24:03 Speaker 01 Are you gonna do a bit?
24:04 Conan O'Brien? No, no, it's a really nice leather jacket I got you once.
24:06 Speaker 01 I had that and then I replaced it and yes, I use it all the time.
24:10 Conan O'Brien? We all have that versatile jacket, the perfect T-shirt, and those are the pieces that make getting dressed easy. And you know what I was thinking about this morning?
24:18 Speaker 01 What?
24:19 Conan O'Brien? Quince. They do it best. They really do. I was really thinking about this.
24:23 Speaker 01 What a coincidence that we're doing an ad for them.
24:24 Conan O'Brien? No, a co-coincidence.
24:26 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
24:29 Conan O'Brien? That's why I get the big money.
24:30 Speaker 01 I gotta go.
24:31 Conan O'Brien? Cut to very small amount of money. Quince makes elevated everyday essentials using premium materials and designs that are timeless, thoughtful, crafted, and made to be worn again and again. And when the temperature starts to drop, Quince makes it easy to build on those everyday staples with versatile layers. Layer up. That's the key. Now, Blay, you're using some Quince.
24:50 Speaker 05 That's right. I'm spending a lot of time back east in Michigan. It's getting a little colder, so I got a featherless quilted jacket in Atlas Navy, and I just feel like a different guy. I feel classy.
25:01 Conan O'Brien? You look like a different guy because you're well-dressed.
25:03 Speaker 05 That's right. No, I'm serious. He looks like a hobo half the time.
25:06 Conan O'Brien? That's true. He's right. That's true. No, they really do great stuff. Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK as well.
25:21 Speaker 01 All right.
25:21 Conan O'Brien? And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Please do that. Say, "By the way, I heard about this on Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend." "Oh, I didn't really ask. I just want you to know." It's the best way to support the show.
25:40 Conan O'Brien? So now, what are some of the things in life that really get you down?
25:42 Speaker 01 Uh, driving?
25:43 Conan O'Brien? Yeah.
25:44 Speaker 01 That's the first thing that popped in my head.
25:46 Conan O'Brien? No, but I've seen you drive, and it's true. I'm always picking mailboxes out of your grill.
25:51 Conan O'Brien? You're a creative driver. Uh, look, let's face it. Just living on Earth can be a lot, right?
25:57 Speaker 01 It can.
25:57 Conan O'Brien? I mean, oy vey, it's a lot.
25:59 Speaker 01 Yeah.
25:59 Conan O'Brien? There's gravity, there's mosquitoes, there's this... You know that they say the sun is going to, at some point, go supernova and incinerate the Earth, probably in 5 billion years?
26:08 Speaker 01 Okay.
26:08 Conan O'Brien? But watch your diet, we might be sticking around for that.
26:11 Speaker 01 Oh, man.
26:11 Conan O'Brien? So, cosmically speaking, you've earned a break.
26:13 Speaker 01 Yeah.
26:14 Conan O'Brien? And you know where this is going? I think you do.
26:15 Speaker 01 No.
26:16 Conan O'Brien? Pluto TV.
26:17 Speaker 01 Oh, right, of course.
26:18 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, to escape all of these hassles in life, you gotta get Pluto TV. Turn off all your earthly problems and turn on the movies and shows you already love. You've seen them, but you want to see them again. They're old friends.
26:28 Speaker 01 Yeah.
26:29 Conan O'Brien? Anchorman, The Legend of Ron Burgundy, Dirty Dancing, Alias, X-Files. Pluto TV is completely free.
26:35 Speaker 01 Ooh.
26:35 Conan O'Brien? These streamers, all these things cost so much money these days. And I won't mention that when I do an ad for them, but...
26:42 Conan O'Brien? No subscription, no fees, $0. And as any mathematician will tell you, 0 is one of the most profound numbers ever conceived. I was thinking about that this morning.
26:50 Speaker 01 Wow, that's profound.
26:51 Conan O'Brien? I really wasn't. The best thing on TV are free. Escape to Pluto TV, stream now, pay never.
27:02 Conan O'Brien? This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. BetterHelp therapists can help you figure out what rules or traditions aren't serving you and how to rewrite them. And with insurance, many members pay $15 or less. Some pay $0. BetterHelp, they do a great job. You're in good hands. BetterHelp therapists are fully licensed in the United States with at least 3 years and 1,000 hours of hands-on experience. When it comes to matching with a therapist, BetterHelp does the initial work for you. Just take a short questionnaire to help identify your needs. And if you're not happy with your match... This is the best part. A lot of people think, "Oh, my God, this is the person I've signed up with. I need to make this work." That's not the case. If it's not a good match, you switch to a different therapist at any time from BetterHelp's tailored recommendations.
27:48 Conan O'Brien? BetterHelp is now in network with more than 125 health plans with many copays as low as $15 for eligible members. And if you don't have eligible insurance or live outside the US, you can still get 20% off your first month. Sign up and get 20% off at betterhelp.com/conan. That's better H E L P dot com slash Conan.
28:14 Conan O'Brien? All right, you are listening to the Conan and Jordan Show. And very few people I know spend more time assessing the products they use than Jordan Schlansky. Jordan, I credit you. Everything on your body, everything in your life, you put a lot of thought into it. So it's only natural that you would be a consumer watchdog. So let's do a segment right now. Jordan Schlansky, consumer watchdog. And you have uncovered something today that you're going to talk about. Would you like to?
28:42 Speaker 02 To echo what you said, I'm very particular about the products I use. I believe that one's life in part is defined by the products that surround us. We spend hours with these things, maybe even years. And aesthetically speaking, I like to have objects of beauty and utility around me. Now, I choose my products very carefully. And that is certainly true in the case of toilet paper. Now, I've got some products here that I that I want to talk about.
29:10 Conan O'Brien? Wow.
29:10 Speaker 02 You know.
29:11 Conan O'Brien? That's a lot of toilet paper there.
29:13 Speaker 02 Well, I do buy toilet paper in bulk because, well, first of all, the need never goes away.
29:17 Conan O'Brien? Because you're a mad shitter.
29:25 Conan O'Brien? You're a 24/7. Yeah, you don't have to stack it all up. Maybe that's a mistake. There you go. All right, let's move that out of the way.
29:32 Speaker 02 So listen, I choose my toilet paper very carefully. And I like this to be a once in a lifetime endeavor. Okay, I don't need to re-chose my toilet paper every decade.
29:41 Conan O'Brien? Once you decide which toilet paper is yours.
29:43 Speaker 02 Why would I change?
29:43 Conan O'Brien? The conversation's over.
29:44 Speaker 02 Unless there's some new technology that needs to be introduced to the world. So many years ago, I sampled different toilet papers. There were the aesthetics, there was the design on the paper itself. Was it a quilt?
29:54 Conan O'Brien? Where did you sample them? Were you in the aisle of the store with your pants down? What were you? I'm just curious. What were you doing?
30:00 Speaker 02 Over time, I purchased.
30:02 Conan O'Brien? Oh, I see.
30:02 Speaker 02 Items.
30:03 Conan O'Brien? And you would and you would pay attention. You didn't.
30:05 Speaker 02 I would pay attention.
30:05 Conan O'Brien? You didn't line up a bunch of toilet papers, eat 15 burritos and then check all of them.
30:09 Speaker 02 No, I did not. No.
30:10 Conan O'Brien? Okay, that's that's how I would have done it. But anyway.
30:12 Speaker 02 I decided on a on Charmin. At the time, it was called, I believe, Charmin Plus or Charmin Plus Lotion or Charmin Plus Aloe. They've gone through many iterations of the name over the years. And it was basically, they marketed it as having lotion in it. The lotion was mainly mineral oil. Sure, they put some aloe in there just to say that they did. But the bulk of it was mineral oil, which is not an expensive addition. Nevertheless, when you're talking about friction, a situation which is inherently comprised of friction and abrasion.
30:42 Conan O'Brien? What do you mean a situation?
30:44 Speaker 02 What I'm saying is.
30:45 Conan O'Brien? Be specific.
30:45 Speaker 02 Use of toilet paper. Any physicist would know that the use of toilet paper involves friction. Two objects rubbing together. You're talking about abrasion. You're talking about erosion for all the environmentalists out there. There is a human bodily erosion when using any toilet paper product. Okay? Any toilet paper.
31:05 Conan O'Brien? Erosion?
31:06 Speaker 02 You're gonna get erosion.
31:06 Conan O'Brien? You're wearing away pieces of your ass? What are you doing?
31:09 Speaker 02 Yes, you absolutely. If it's if that's where you're using it, what I'm saying, what I'm saying is.
31:14 Conan O'Brien? What do you mean? Where are you using? What do you mean? Where are you using it?
31:17 Speaker 02 I use toilet paper on many areas of my body. I.
31:20 Conan O'Brien? What are you talking about?
31:22 Speaker 02 My nose, my ears. I use it to wipe up spills.
31:25 Conan O'Brien? You use Kleenex for your nose?
31:26 Speaker 02 No, I use toilet paper for my nose. Sure, in a situation where I'm sick and there's a there's an excess of mucus, I'll invest in a box of Kleenex. But why have a product that's good for one use when I can have a multi-use product like toilet paper? I use toilet paper for cleaning up the kit, the bathroom sink of the errant spills so as not to mineralize the countertop. I use it to clean up the toilet rim should there be any urine. I use it to.
31:54 Conan O'Brien? Urine?
31:55 Speaker 02 I use it.
31:55 Conan O'Brien? Did you say urine?
31:57 Speaker 02 I use it on different body parts. It's really a jack of all trades.
32:01 Conan O'Brien? Do you lactate?
32:03 Speaker 02 What I'm saying is anytime there's a discharge, to me, toilet paper is gonna be my first choice. Toilet paper is a big part of my life. See, some people take Q-tips for their ears, which by the way is unsafe, and now you have a second dedicated product that's only for your ears. What about toilet paper? What's the problem with using toilet paper to clean out your ears and your nose? Anyway, listen, I don't mean to go on too much about the secondary uses. Nevertheless, don't, don't give me that deep breath. I understand that you're in a rush, but I have a lot to say about toilet paper.
32:31 Conan O'Brien? I'm not in a rush. No, no. Guess what? Can I just say one thing? I'm not in a rush, but this is my life.
32:36 Speaker 02 Okay.
32:36 Conan O'Brien? And this is a piece of my life.
32:38 Speaker 02 Okay.
32:38 Conan O'Brien? And you're wasting it.
32:40 Speaker 02 Okay.
32:40 Conan O'Brien? Because you're talk- get to the point, which is-
32:43 Speaker 02 This is the point. This is the point. I, uh, I decided on Charmin toilet paper. They had a few varieties at the time because they liked to overcomplicate their product line. I went with the version with lotion, which turned out to be mineral oil. Okay. It's had a number of different- now, the Charmin people, the Procter and Gamble people, they're listening to this right now, and those thirty-something marketing people are saying, is this true? Did it used to be called aloe and eau? Because they only know it as Charmin Ultra Gentle, the common name. And there's, uh, there's one guy that probably knows that it was.
33:12 Conan O'Brien? Can I assure you, not only is no one at Charmin listening right now, I think anyone who really loves the Conan channel has turned off at this point.
33:20 Speaker 02 I buy my toilet paper in bulk because it never expires. I don't enjoy buying toilet paper. I don't want to buy toilet paper more often. I want to buy it less often.
33:29 Conan O'Brien? Do you get looks when you walk out, when you come into the cash register and you have thirty-five boxes-
33:34 Speaker 02 Sure.
33:34 Conan O'Brien? Of toilet paper?
33:35 Speaker 02 I do.
33:36 Conan O'Brien? Do they think you have an issue?
33:37 Speaker 02 Yes. Yes, I do get unusual looks. I'm used to unusual looks for a variety of reasons that never did- that never deters me. So I buy mine by the case. So I've got some cases here. I've got a backstock that I bought over the past few years.
33:49 Conan O'Brien? Right.
33:50 Speaker 02 Okay, now, this is, um-
33:51 Conan O'Brien? Is it like someone who loves wine has a whole cellar filled with different wine?
33:55 Speaker 02 Yeah.
33:55 Conan O'Brien? You go downstairs, and when it's your time, you, you run your hand along, uh, these racks and racks and racks of toilet paper, feeling for the one that will just suit this one particular purpose. Like, I want- this was one that was made in, uh, Napa Valley. Uh, it's got aloe. But it's aloe from uh that that really comes from the soil, the good rich loam.
34:16 Speaker 02 Eighty four.
34:17 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, it's an eighty. This is a great eighty four aloe Charmin. Did you ever do that?
34:20 Speaker 02 I picked the most damaged box because I like the boxes to look aesthetically beautiful. When I have an entire room full of toilet paper boxes, I like them to look beautiful. A lot of times you get shipping damage. Anyway, so the point is I buy them in these cases of eighteen rolls. These are mega rolls. Now again, in a ridiculous over complication, Procter and Gamble has decided to offer different sizes of their rolls. They have the regular roll. They have the giant roll. Then they have the mega roll. The mega is the biggest. I've done the research.
34:47 Conan O'Brien? Can a mega roll, can a mega roll fit on a standard toilet paper spool?
34:51 Speaker 02 It can, it can. So I buy eighteen mega rolls.
34:54 Conan O'Brien? I mean, if you're, if the toilet in your house is in a very small space, can you get in there with the mega roll or does a mega roll pretty much take up the whole bathroom?
35:02 Speaker 02 No, the mega roll, you would not, a person of your coarse visual perception would not even recognize the difference between a giant roll and a mega roll. But I do, okay? I look deep beneath the surface. Anyway, just listen to me, okay? This case, this case of.
35:16 Conan O'Brien? Why, why wouldn't I?
35:17 Speaker 02 Yeah, this case of eighteen Charmin Ultra Gentle Mega Rolls cost nineteen ninety nine. I bought this for many years, okay? Slight variations of the price up and down, but that's basically it. So, uh, recently, uh, I bought my, uh, Charmin order and I bought my eighteen mega rolls for, uh, nineteen ninety nine. And this came, okay? And I could already see the packaging is different and this is telling me, yeah. So this is telling me that something is, something is off, okay?
35:44 Conan O'Brien? So something changed.
35:46 Speaker 02 Something's changed. Instead of a case, now I have this package. And, uh, immediately I'm suspicious and, and listen, I don't want to look for a new brand of toilet paper. I don't like change when it comes to my toilet paper, okay? A lot of things in life should change, but like, things like matches, toilet paper, they don't need to change. So. The old Charmin Ultra Gentle, while the sheet size is the same, had 286 two ply sheets per roll, okay? The new Charmin has 231 two ply sheets per roll, okay? So the overall square footage of an 18-pack used to be about 51 meters squared,
36:29 Speaker 02 whereas this is only about 41 meters squared, which is a 20% decrease. So I get it, okay? Costs are rising in the toilet paper industry, and they've got to recoup, okay? Now, I don't believe they're being greedy. I don't think they're trying to impress their shareholders. I understand that the toilet paper costs have improved now. They could raise the price 20%, and then you'd have $24, and I'd get my same product, and you know what? I'd happily pay that $24, because I understand inflation exists. But instead, they say, "Let's charge the same. Let's make the rolls 20% smaller." Now, you can compare the old roll and the new roll, and you'll see a drastic difference.
37:05 Conan O'Brien? You okay? Why you... What's wrong with you? Why is your face?
37:08 Speaker 02 Listen to me.
37:08 Conan O'Brien? What's wrong with your face?
37:10 Speaker 02 You know what this means to me? That's just my face. Now, listen to me. This clearly means I'm going...
37:15 Conan O'Brien? This is the new one, and this is the old one. Yes, I will say, first of all, I don't know why you started to laugh maniacally like a Bond villain when you're talking about this stupid thing. But yeah, okay, the old roll, you're saying for the same amount of money, you're getting less?
37:30 Speaker 02 You're getting 20% less. Okay, fine. That's no bombshell. But the point is, why do I have to change my toilet paper roll 20% more often? Why? I'm always going to need new toilet paper, okay? It's not like I'm just going to buy one roll and be like, "Okay, that's it. I'm done when this rolls over." For the rest of my life, I'm going to be making sure that there is toilet paper on that toilet paper holder, okay? And why do I have to now? Because they have this marketing plan that are going to trick people into thinking that they're getting the same value. Now, I have to change my toilet paper roll more frequently? I have to buy more cases of toilet paper over the course of my lifetime? I have to maintain those cases and store those cases? Like, I just don't understand. Just be upfront and be like, "Hey, we're charging $24." And by the way, the packaging has changed too. I used to... If I have guests, I like to put...
38:14 Speaker 02 Put a six pack of Charmin unopened sealed into that restroom.
38:17 Conan O'Brien? Wait, what do you, wait, what?
38:19 Speaker 02 Listen to me.
38:19 Conan O'Brien? Wait, why do your guests need to see a month's supply of toilet paper? Why do they need to see that?
38:25 Speaker 02 I'll tell you why. Okay, if you go into a guest room, you want to know you have enough toilet paper for your stay there. You don't want to worry that you're gonna have to ask for more toilet paper.
38:33 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, but you're saying six rolls.
38:35 Speaker 02 No one likes asking for more toilet paper.
38:36 Conan O'Brien? You're saying six rolls.
38:38 Speaker 02 Because that's implied that you used above the average amount of toilet paper, okay? Six rolls is enough to comfort people. It's not excessive. It's like, no matter what, no matter what happens to me in this week, I'm gonna have enough toilet paper.
38:49 Conan O'Brien? Six of these?
38:50 Speaker 02 Six rolls in a seal case.
38:52 Conan O'Brien? You wouldn't need six in any situation when you need six.
38:55 Speaker 02 You don't have to use all six. You just know they're there. Okay, it's comforting.
38:58 Conan O'Brien? Did you do the same thing with food? When they come down in the refrigerator, do you have nine turkeys waiting for them to eat?
39:02 Speaker 02 What I'm saying.
39:03 Conan O'Brien? Just so they have the comfort level?
39:04 Speaker 02 I don't like to provide an atmosphere of scarcity.
39:06 Conan O'Brien? Give seventeen boxes of cereal?
39:08 Speaker 02 Abundance, abundance. I like to show them that there is an abundance of toilet paper. Whatever happens to you while you're here, you are covered. Anyway, just let me get this out.
39:15 Conan O'Brien? No, no, no. I'll let you speak a lot, and I'm gonna take over for a second because you're completely untethered. You're completely untethered. You're a balloon, free of its string, bopping around in the wind.
39:26 Speaker 02 I want my guests to know it's Charmin because I want them to know it's a high-quality premium product and I'm not just buying in bulk at Costco.
39:32 Conan O'Brien? Are you getting paid by, be honest, are you getting any money from Charmin?
39:34 Speaker 02 No, clearly not. I just criticize them, but at the same time, I do appreciate the quality of the paper. That has not changed. Nevertheless, their new packaging inside the outer package with the bear is just a generic plastic case. My guests think that I'm buying from like Costco or some like off brand. They don't know it's Charmin anymore.
39:50 Conan O'Brien? Okay, can I say one thing? First of all, I think when you put out that much toilet paper for your guests, it's an insult. It's you saying, I don't trust.
39:58 Speaker 02 Nope.
39:58 Conan O'Brien? I think you're a big pig. I think you're a big pig that eats and shits 24/7. You're a monster. That's what I think you're saying to them. You're just a giant.
40:08 Speaker 02 I'm saying if you are, if you are that person, I got you covered. If you're a normal person, you're covered too.
40:17 Conan O'Brien? Okay, so, next time I come to your house.
40:20 Speaker 02 You're gonna have plenty of toilet paper and you may not use it. And that's fine. I don't expect you to use it.
40:24 Conan O'Brien? I mean, first of all-
40:24 Speaker 02 But if you need to use it, it's there.
40:25 Conan O'Brien? Okay.
40:26 Speaker 02 You will never have to ask me for more toilet paper. Do you imagine the humiliation? Excuse me, thank you for letting me stay in your room. Do you have any more toilet paper? I gave you plenty of toilet paper. I need more toilet paper.
40:35 Conan O'Brien? So you're saying, um, I think if someone came to you, if you put six of these massive jumbo Charmin rolls in the guest room, and they came out after a three-day stay and say, "Excuse me, could I use..." With their pants around their ankles. "Could I have more?"
40:52 Speaker 02 That would be, that would be unexpected. Again, I don't want to give them cases. I'm not gonna put cases in there. That's ridiculous. But I'd like to put a six-pack-
41:00 Conan O'Brien? I have a question for you. When you travel, you and I have traveled together. We've shot some, some pieces together. We've traveled the world.
41:07 Speaker 02 Right.
41:07 Conan O'Brien? What is your security level, your feelings about going to distant lands? And needing to use a facility, another facility where you don't have control over the toilet paper?
41:20 Speaker 02 I have adaptive techniques, as Darwin has showed us. The key to survival is not strength, but adaptability. I adapt to any situation presented to me.
41:28 Conan O'Brien? You're gonna take Charles Darwin's Origin of the Species, one of the greatest, most seminal works in the history of mankind, and you're gonna apply it to your travel needs for toilet paper?
41:37 Speaker 02 I believe in orienting the puborectalis muscle in a certain position to allow a greater elimination at home. And I have devices that yield this result at home.
41:49 Conan O'Brien? I bet you have devices. I bet if a, if a SWAT team broke into your home right now.
41:54 Speaker 02 Sure.
41:54 Conan O'Brien? They would find all kinds of devices hidden in the, in the crawl space. You freak, you freak, you freak.
41:59 Speaker 02 Okay, but when I travel, when I travel-
42:01 Conan O'Brien? What, erectus bone?
42:02 Speaker 02 When I travel, I don't have access to my devices, so I improvise.
42:06 Conan O'Brien? What device?
42:06 Speaker 02 I use a garbage can in, in the hotel.
42:10 Conan O'Brien? No, you don't. No, you don't. No, you don't. What do you do? What do you do?
42:13 Speaker 02 I don't use the garbage can in the way you're thinking. I use a garbage pail to orient my body in a certain position. Do you understand?
42:20 Conan O'Brien? No, I don't know what you're talking about. I honestly don't know what you're talking about.
42:23 Speaker 02 I adapt to the situation. This is why- I survive. It's not my strength. It's my adaptability. If I don't have, if I don't have a toilet stool to properly orient my puborectalis muscle.
42:34 Conan O'Brien? I know. So hold on a second. I'm gonna draw something right now. You're talking about the squatty potty.
42:37 Speaker 02 That's one example of a toilet stool.
42:39 Conan O'Brien? Okay, but listen, I'm gonna draw, hold on. I'm gonna draw.
42:41 Speaker 02 Okay, go ahead.
42:42 Conan O'Brien? This is a toilet, okay? This is you sitting on the toilet and you were.
42:47 Speaker 02 Well, first of all, there shouldn't even, if, if, if you're a human animal, a Neanderthal, and you wanted to.
42:53 Conan O'Brien? It's Neanderthal.
42:54 Speaker 02 No, it's Neanderthal.
42:55 Conan O'Brien? No one's ever said Neanderthal.
42:57 Speaker 02 I just said it. The point is, you're supposed to be squatting on the ground, fully squatted, in a fully squatting position, to open up that puborectalis.
43:05 Conan O'Brien? Is this what you're talking about right here?
43:06 Speaker 02 Yes, that simulates a squatting position, even though you're, you're on a modern toilet bowl. Now also, you haven't even mentioned how tall that toilet bowl is. You know, there's a variable height. I like to go with the Kohler Wellworth, 15 inches off the ground, no more. Then they have a higher one, they call it comfort height. It's not comfortable.
43:21 Conan O'Brien? I think that goes without saying. So, um, in a perfect world, you'd be squatting, is what you're saying.
43:26 Speaker 02 In, in a perfect world, you'd be squatting. In the modern world, you can use devices to simulate squatting, okay? Now, in my house, I have these devices, and they're high-quality devices, because I'm gonna be using these for decades. As I just described, I like to stick with a product for years.
43:39 Conan O'Brien? So you're talking about, uh, these, these things that you put your feet up on, or maybe have a high-quality material?
43:43 Speaker 02 Yeah, bamboo. I like bamboo. Most of them are plastic. I have a high-quality bamboo.
43:47 Conan O'Brien? Bamboo and plastic, wow, you're a really fancy guy. That's what they used on Gilligan's Island.
43:50 Speaker 02 You know bamboo is a grass. Bamboo is waterproof, it is strong, it is replenishable. Okay, I'm not hurting the environment with my toilet stool.
43:58 Conan O'Brien? No. I think you're, you're hurting the environment with your constant shitting.
44:02 Speaker 02 So.
44:03 Conan O'Brien? That's, that's what you're hurting the environment with. You're, I mean, for God's sake, man. This is insanity.
44:10 Speaker 02 So when I travel, I don't have access to my bamboo toilet stool, okay? Sure, I could find a way to bring it with me, but that's ridiculous.
44:16 Conan O'Brien? You just store it in the overhead compartment.
44:17 Speaker 02 But I improvise. When I get to a hotel room, that immediately I assess the hotel room for any number of factors. And I look at the garbage pail, and if the garbage pail is the right height and shape, I can adapt that to my use.
44:31 Conan O'Brien? Now, I don't wanna, now that grosses me out, because if I stay in a hotel and I look at the.
44:35 Speaker 02 What are you doing with a hotel garbage pail? That's so intimate in any scenario.
44:39 Conan O'Brien? That you had it upside down in a bathroom while you were poop.
44:42 Speaker 02 I have no problem with someone using a garbage pail upside down. Do you know what substances are in hotel garbage pails that you need to be more concerned about than my feet? So I improvise. Okay, so toilet paper. If the toilet paper, first of all, I don't use toilet paper the way you think I do, okay?
44:58 Conan O'Brien? I don't want to know.
44:58 Speaker 02 Okay.
44:59 Conan O'Brien? I don't want to know. I mean, I honestly don't want to know.
45:02 Speaker 02 Toilet paper, there, there's an inherent flaw with the whole toilet paper system. Okay, I've discussed this before and I think it's really self-evident. I don't think it needs more explication. But just suffice it to say, you're going to want a soap and water scenario in most cases. And toilet paper, even the best, is not going to, uh, cover you. So I use toilet paper in very limited ways. Nevertheless, I improvise in hotel rooms with soap and water scenarios.
45:29 Conan O'Brien? Do you hear yourself? Why are you shouting? You shout a lot and, no, no.
45:32 Speaker 02 My enthusiasm, don't mistake my enthusiasm for anger, okay? I'm passionate and, and I don't see the problem with that. One day you call me stoic, the other day you call me overly passionate.
45:43 Conan O'Brien? It's not coming across as passion. It's coming across as...
45:49 Speaker 02 Crazy?
45:49 Conan O'Brien? Uh, well, I'm not going to say like a rant and also a defiant rant. A man who sees the world turning against him and using toilet paper improperly. And you are howling at the wind like King Lear, um, blind on the moors, uh, unchained from all reality. So yes, I think something in you is untethered and I'm glad that you've put this much thought into your toilet needs. But have you ever thought of, and we've talked about this before, but shouldn't you just be using a bidet?
46:20 Speaker 02 Well, like I was saying, I do have a system, an equivalent system. It's not a bidet per se, but I have a soap and water solution.
46:32 Conan O'Brien? So, uh...
46:33 Speaker 02 So what, you just use whatever toilet paper? Like, who even buys your toilet paper? Do you have a system?
46:38 Conan O'Brien? I just, uh, NBC used to give it to me for free and I, I still have my NBC supply.
46:43 Speaker 02 And you just...
46:44 Conan O'Brien? There's a Tom Brokaw on every sheet.
46:46 Speaker 02 Yeah.
46:46 Conan O'Brien? Listen, I, uh...
46:48 Speaker 02 You just take what you're given?
46:50 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, pretty much in life.
46:51 Speaker 02 Yeah, with your toilet paper. I mean, obviously, some things you care about, you're gonna pick your car, you're gonna pick your watch, but toilet paper, you just take what's there and you don't even notice these...
46:59 Conan O'Brien? I've not put this much thought into it, no.
47:00 Speaker 02 You understand there is abrasion, erosion?
47:03 Conan O'Brien? Stop saying erosion, there's no erosion.
47:05 Speaker 02 There is certainly erosion.
47:06 Conan O'Brien? There's no erosion.
47:06 Speaker 02 Of course there's erosion. Anytime you have two substances rubbing together, there's gonna be some, uh, erosion and you're losing skin, uh, on a cellular level and, or that's the micro level and potentially on a macro level.
47:20 Conan O'Brien? Okay, I'm gonna put an end to this now.
47:21 Speaker 02 Okay.
47:22 Conan O'Brien? This is, uh, Beyond the Pale and what you've done, I think, is an audio crime today. You've committed an audio crime. We've had to sit and listen to this for a while. I suspect that you're getting something from the Charmin people, I can't prove it, but I think you are. Um, and I'm glad that you're, I'm happy that you're happy. If you've found a toilet paper that you like, then I'm happy for you.
47:44 Speaker 02 Yeah, I wish that it wouldn't shrink in size necessitating extra trips to the grocery store and extra changes of the roll.
47:50 Conan O'Brien? Well, that's just the world we live in today. Many things shrink in size as time goes on and we accept it.
47:56 Speaker 02 I'll pay the $24 for the original product.
47:59 Conan O'Brien? Okay, well, I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. I think that you should just accept this. Uh, and again, I just wanna remind viewers, you are a married man, you have children and... I think I worry... I'd hate to be the child being potty trained by... Can you imagine, what is it like, when you potty trained your children, were you screaming at them the whole time? About, "You gotta get your legs up higher, that's, use the trash can, use the trash can"?
48:27 Speaker 02 I don't fault people that are passionate in life, you understand?
48:30 Conan O'Brien? Sure.
48:31 Speaker 02 I have passions.
48:32 Conan O'Brien? Uh, many dictators do. Many, uh, many, yeah, um...
48:37 Conan O'Brien? Many, uh, mad people have insane ambitions. I just, I would like and passions. I, I wish the best for you, Jordan, I really do.
48:48 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm.
48:49 Conan O'Brien? Um, wait a minute, I'm thinking about it. No, I don't. I just wanna, I wanna, I wanna completely rescind that. But I'm glad you found a product that you like. And so you're saying this toilet paper is your recommendation. Charmin, uh, gentle, ultra gentle is what you like.
49:04 Speaker 02 That's, that's secondary. Yes, it is my recommendation. I do have a, I do have a problem.
49:08 Conan O'Brien? And you do add, and you have a method where you use soap and water and any trash can that's available.
49:13 Speaker 02 That's separate, yes.
49:14 Speaker 04 This was, uh, Jordan Shlansky, Consumer Watchdog.
49:17 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, Consumer Watchdog, Jordan Shlansky. Anyone who listened to all of this, um, I don't know what to tell you. But you should, uh, spend your time very differently in the future. Something's wrong with you. Jordan, I salute you as I always do. And thank you for your wisdom, your passion. Um, and I think that's it. I mean, I don't know else to say. Uh.
49:41 Speaker 04 We'll be right back.
49:42 Conan O'Brien? Well, will we? I don't see why we've, anyone who's waiting for more of this, God help you. Maybe check out what else is on the dial. What do you think we learned today, Jordan?
49:57 Speaker 02 I think we were two men having a human conversation. I think, I think we don't need to learn anything per se. I think we enrich the lives of people in our relatability.
50:06 Conan O'Brien? Okay, why don't you ask any questions you might want to ask me about the episode? Maybe how I feel or from my perspective, or you just like to sort of be the yammerer in chief.
50:14 Speaker 02 Yeah, I, I can only, uh, I can only hope that you enjoy, um, this type of real conversation as much as I do.
50:21 Conan O'Brien? I don't think of this as real conversation. I don't think of you as a real person.
50:24 Speaker 02 This is exactly how we would discuss, uh, without microphones in front of us.
50:28 Conan O'Brien? I know, I know. But what I'm saying is whether there are microphones here or not, when I'm talking to you, I, it never feels like a real conversation because I, I, I don't know who you are, even after all these years. At your core, I don't know who you are.
50:42 Speaker 02 Well, maybe you have enough real conversations in your life and maybe you could benefit from an occasional surreal conversation.
50:48 Conan O'Brien? Oh, are you a surrealist? Is that what you're saying?
50:50 Speaker 02 If you consider our relationship surreal, I don't necessarily think that's a negative. I think that whether we're different or congruous with the rest of your human interactions, I think that there is value there.
51:01 Conan O'Brien? Whether you're congruous with the rest of your human interactions? These are just, this is, you're not gonna hear this anywhere else on SXM. Nowhere else on Sirius Radio are you gonna hear any of this.
51:10 Speaker 04 Right, you might hear it on his new show.
51:14 Speaker 02 The Jordan. Oh, the Jordan, the Jordan Schlansky Music Hour, yes. I play different pressings, some will be vinyl rips, some will be, I spent $300 for Men Without Hats' Rhythm of Youth, because I wanted the safety dance.
51:26 Conan O'Brien? The people that did the safety dance.
51:28 Speaker 02 Yeah, now you can find it on countless compilations, okay? But their original CD pressing of Rhythm of Youth is incredibly rare. I spent a lot of money for it. And by the way, when I rip a CD.
51:37 Conan O'Brien? Does your wife know that you're spending a lot of money on this absolute bullshit?
51:41 Speaker 02 When I rip a CD, I don't just use iTunes and stick it in. I have a very specific procedure, okay? This is bit perfect.
51:47 Speaker 04 Who came up with this theory of relativity?
51:49 Speaker 02 Einstein. You're talking about the special theory of relativity from 1905, or the general theory from 1915?
51:56 Conan O'Brien? You, I'm not gonna indulge this. When someone has an illness, you don't indulge it. And I don't wanna keep indulging this, because I think, I think this is a form of illness.
52:03 Speaker 02 Sure.
52:04 Conan O'Brien? So, does your wife know, answer the question, does she ever look at the bills and say, "Someone just spent $7,000 on a clock radio that looks like Darth Vader's head"? Does she, does she see that?
52:18 Speaker 02 I have hobbies, I have hobbies.
52:22 Conan O'Brien? Right, but does she, you, you're a couple, you're husband and wife, you have children, and they need to be educated at some point. Does she ever say, you know, "Who spent $4,000 on the lightsaber that's made out of salami that was a part of Etsy, an Etsy auction"? Does she ever call into question your expenditures?
52:45 Speaker 02 I, I think people have their passions, and it's, it's healthy if they get a chance to exploit those passions.
52:51 Conan O'Brien? Does she feel the same way?
52:54 Speaker 02 I think that.
52:55 Conan O'Brien? Ah, yes! We got the nerve here. Listen, maybe she'll be on the, we gotta talk to her at some point.
53:03 Speaker 04 That would be fantastic. Would that ever, would you allow us to?
53:05 Speaker 02 Look, you have your guitar collections, you have your, your various matters that you're passionate about. I collect rare foreign CD pressings.
53:12 Conan O'Brien? Don't make fun of my various matters.
53:15 Speaker 02 Yeah.
53:15 Conan O'Brien? That's getting way too personal.
53:18 Speaker 02 Yeah, I'm just saying, we all, we all have our passions, matters. And I do think it's healthy to explore those things.
53:25 Speaker 04 Could we have your wife on the show one day?
53:28 Speaker 02 Listen, I am a very private man. I, like I say, I like to observe other people. I'm not particularly comfortable with being observed. Some might say this whole format is contrary to my core values. Nevertheless.
53:41 Conan O'Brien? But here you sit, because you might make a little bit of scratch. And then, you know, you can buy Harrison Ford's, you know, incisor that he lost in 1972 in a bar fight. All I know is that I do enjoy you, Jordan.
53:55 Speaker 02 Thank you.
53:56 Conan O'Brien? In a very perverse way, I enjoy you, and you do fascinate me. And I enjoy our time together, and I'm glad that it's being recorded for the police on the Conan and Jordan Show, right here on Sirius XM. You can leave.
54:11 Speaker 02 Not the original CD pressing.
54:13 Conan O'Brien? This isn't it?
54:13 Speaker 02 No.
54:14 Conan O'Brien? Can you hear the difference?
54:15 Speaker 02 I would play your mine. Wait till you hear mine. Jordan Schlansky Radio Show, coming soon, Sirius Channel 104.
54:21 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, don't wait for it. It's not coming. We have someone from Sirius right here, right now, and he just keeps shaking his head no.
54:27 Speaker 02 Physically imposing, gentle giant.
54:29 Conan O'Brien? Yes, yes, and he's making it clear.
54:32 Speaker 02 Michael Crawford, Phantom of the Opera.
54:34 Conan O'Brien? What?
54:36 Speaker 04 Everybody says, "I wanna know, and I leave my friends." The Conan and Jordan Show with Conan O'Brien and Jordan Schlansky is produced by me, Frank Smiley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Jim McClure. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez. Our supervising producer is Andrew Gruce. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. The theme song is "Tom Sawyer" by Rush. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan and Jordan?
55:17 Speaker 04 Call the Team Coco hotline, 669-587-2847, and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. And be sure to subscribe and tune into Conan O'Brien Radio, Channel 104 on Sirius XM.
55:51 Conan O'Brien? When you hear Alka-Seltzer, you'll probably think heartburn, right?
55:53 Speaker 05 Yep.
55:54 Conan O'Brien? Well, did you know Alka-Seltzer has a line of cold and flu medications known as Alka-Seltzer Cold?
56:00 Speaker 05 Ooh.
56:00 Conan O'Brien? Did you know that, David?
56:01 Speaker 05 No, but I feel like we need it.
56:02 Conan O'Brien? Why didn't you know that, David?
56:04 Speaker 05 I know, you expect me to know everything.
56:06 Conan O'Brien? I knew this.
56:06 Speaker 05 Did you?
56:07 Conan O'Brien? Yeah, I've tried it, it's really good. And I like that fizzy, fizzy, fizzy when you drop the Alka-Seltzer Cold into the water.
56:13 Speaker 05 You do, yeah.
56:14 Conan O'Brien? Alka-Seltzer Cold Fast Dissolves Tablets are designed to deliver cold and flu relief FAST! Just drop the two tablets in water and hear those bubbles bursting into action, ready to work faster than pills. Bubbles faster than pills. Pills take time to dissolve, not bubbles. Next time a cold or flu strikes, quick! Alka-Seltzer Cold: Nothing works faster for cold and flu symptom relief. Among oral products used as directed.
56:41 Speaker 06 This podcast is supported by Nurtac ODT. Remagipant. We know you didn't ask for an interruption. But migraine doesn't wait for the right moment to interrupt either. It just barges in, takes your time, and throws everything off. So, when migraine takes your time, take Nurtac. It's for the acute treatment of migraine with or without aura in adults. Nurtac can provide pain relief in two hours, which can last up to two days. Ask your healthcare provider if Nurtac is right for you, because your time is for you, not migraine. Don't take if allergic to Nurtac ODT. Allergic reactions can occur even days after use. Get help right away for trouble breathing, rash, swelling of face, mouth, tongue, or throat. High blood pressure and Raynaud's syndrome can occur. Get help for high blood pressure, numbness, coolness, pain, or color changes in fingers
57:26 Speaker 06 and toes. Common side effect is nausea. For full prescribing information, call 1-833-4-NURTC or visit Nurtac.com. All right, back to your podcast, playlist, or whatever's keeping you going today.
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