Drainin’ Treys and Drivin' Holes

Conan talks to Lucas in Amsterdam about playing professional basketball and the quickest ways to gain weight. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: teamcoco.com/apply

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Conan O'Brien?

  The holidays are supposed to be about making memories, not managing the mess that comes with them. Between winter weather, road trips, shopping and family gatherings, your vehicle can take a beating. Mine sure does.

• 0:13Speaker 01

  Same.

• 0:14Conan O'Brien?

  Especially when I'm back in the Northeast, driving around. I mean, I grew up with that.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:18Conan O'Brien?

  Cars were red, the salt on the road, people throwing rocks at me.

• 0:22Speaker 01

  Whaaat?

• 0:23Conan O'Brien?

  That's not a weather thing. That's more of a me being, making people angry problem. WeatherTech helps protect your vehicle from snow, slush, salt and seasonal messes. They also make the best gifts for automobile protection, from floor liners and cargo liner to side window deflectors, even gift cards. Great for today and to prevent future messes. Everything is built to last, easy to clean and designed for harsh winter conditions, okay? I grew up with this.

• 0:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:49Conan O'Brien?

  And the salt would eat away the car. We actually did have a Chevy. My dad had a Chevy Impala and the floor rusted out and you could see the road going by.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  Ohhh.

• 0:57Conan O'Brien?

  Boy, we were praying for WeatherTech and we didn't even know it. That was before it existed.

• 1:02Speaker 01

  That's cool.

• 1:03Conan O'Brien?

  So get a gift today at weathertech.com.

• 1:09Conan O'Brien?

  Now Sona, clearly I'm a very important person to you.

• 1:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:12Conan O'Brien?

  Just accept the premise and we'll move ahead.

• 1:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:14Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a very important person to you. What would you get me from Macy's for the holidays?

• 1:20Speaker 01

  A vase.

• 1:22Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't want a vase. I want something better.

• 1:24Speaker 01

  A jacket.

• 1:26Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, nice jacket. I love a nice jacket.

• 1:27Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, that jacket. Nice jacket.

• 1:28Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, so now you have to do it because you said you would.

• 1:30Speaker 01

  Aw man, I didn't know you were doing that. I didn't know you were trapping me.

• 1:33Conan O'Brien?

  I know the holidays are months away, but it's never too early, Sona, to find gifts that I will love, gifts I will wear and surprises that make the season unforgettable for me.

• 1:44Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:44Conan O'Brien?

  Macy's Gift Guide makes holiday shopping easy with beauty favorites, stylish fashion, jewelry, cozy essentials, must-have toys, home upgrades and picks for every person on your list. Coach handbags, Breville appliances, Lego UG, and more all in one place. You can skip the scrolling and shop with confidence. Shop now in-store or online at macy's.com/giftguide.

• 2:09Speaker 01

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com/callconan. Okay, let's get started. Hi, Lucas. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan.

• 2:22Conan O'Brien?

  Hi, Lucas.

• 2:23Speaker 02

  Hey there, everybody. Hi.

• 2:24Conan O'Brien?

  How are you?

• 2:25Speaker 02

  Good. How are you?

• 2:26Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, we're, uh, we're doing well. Our friend Matt Gorley is not with us today. He called in sick.

• 2:31Speaker 01

  When?

• 2:32Conan O'Brien?

  Which means he's probably at the mall, uh, scoping out the chicks. Um, I know what he's up to.

• 2:38Speaker 02

  As he does.

• 2:38Conan O'Brien?

  As he does. Uh, okay, Lucas, uh, tell me a little bit about yourself. Where are you in the world right now? I have no idea.

• 2:45Speaker 02

  I am currently in Amsterdam.

• 2:48Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, okay. Is Amsterdam where you're from?

• 2:50Speaker 02

  Yes, it's also where I'm from. Yeah.

• 2:52Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, wow. Okay. Uh, I love Amsterdam. I was there many years ago. I, uh, shot some travel stuff there in a whole other lifetime. I believe in the 90s or early 2000s.

• 3:02Speaker 01

  Really?

• 3:02Conan O'Brien?

  Um, and I loved it.

• 3:04Speaker 02

  Whoa.

• 3:05Conan O'Brien?

  I thought it was one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen. And the, really, I think it's absolutely gorgeous. So, good for you for living in Amsterdam. And tell me a little bit about yourself, uh, Lucas. How old are you?

• 3:17Speaker 02

  I am 26. Um, so I live in Amsterdam with my girlfriend and my two cats. Um, I currently work as an IT consultant and I play, uh, basketball.

• 3:29Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. Basketball.

• 3:31Speaker 02

  That's that in a nutshell.

• 3:32Conan O'Brien?

  On, uh, okay, you say you, you play basketball. You mean just as kind of a hobby? Or how serious are you about basketball?

• 3:39Speaker 02

  Um, nowadays more of a, it, it's more of a hobby. Uh, I used to play professional.

• 3:45Conan O'Brien?

  Whoa!

• 3:46Speaker 02

  Uh, some, a while back when I was still, uh, studying. Uh, but I could not combine work and professional basketball, so.

• 3:53Conan O'Brien?

  You played, on what level did you play professional basketball?

• 3:57Speaker 02

  Uh, the highest level in the Netherlands.

• 3:59Conan O'Brien?

  That's, that's fantastic. That's, that's, that's impressive.

• 4:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, compared to the rest of the world, it's kinda meh, but it's, it's all right here.

• 4:09Conan O'Brien?

  Can I say something, Lucas? I don't like your attitude. I, you know, you're saying, you, all you have to do is say, "I play professional ba- basketball. I played pro ball." That's, and then end the sentence there, not, you don't have to mention "in Amsterdam" and "for the Netherlands, it's okay."

• 4:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:29Conan O'Brien?

  But it's kinda meh everywhere else? By that point, the woman that you were talking to at the bar has gone. Okay? You just say, "I played professional basketball."

• 4:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, but yeah, but I don't wanna get, wanna let it get, uh, get to my head. So I wanna keep myself grounded and keep myself humble.

• 4:46Speaker 01

  It could get to your head.

• 4:48Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 4:48Speaker 01

  I think I would let it get to my head.

• 4:49Conan O'Brien?

  I would. I think there's nothing wrong. If I had played professional basketball for a day, it's all you'd ever hear about. It's all you'd ever hear about.

• 5:00Speaker 01

  It's true.

• 5:02Conan O'Brien?

  Were you any good? You must have been pretty good.

• 5:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, I, I did it for, I think, uh, five years. Yeah, I was pretty good. I was, uh, playing, I was also playing here in Amsterdam. So, yeah, I, I was having a good time with a lot of traveling. It was still, uh, when I was still in college. So that was kind of rough, like comparing, uh, uh, doing the studying stuff next to the basketball and combining that, but it, it was, uh, it was a good time.

• 5:28Conan O'Brien?

  Now, uh, let me ask you some stats about yourself. How tall are you?

• 5:31Speaker 02

  Uh, I'm 6'3".

• 5:32Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, all right.

• 5:34Speaker 02

  So I'm not that tall.

• 5:36Speaker 01

  Again, wow.

• 5:37Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, Lucas, we have a lot of-

• 5:38Speaker 02

  No, but compared to other basketball players on the court, right?

• 5:41Conan O'Brien?

  Compared to, yeah, guess what? Compared to the sun, I don't generate much warmth. I guess I'm a cold fish. You've gotta stop doing that, Lucas.

• 5:51Speaker 02

  Okay, okay, okay, all right.

• 5:53Conan O'Brien?

  You're 6'3", which is tall by just about any standard, okay? You're a six foot, we're gonna work on you, Lucas. You're a six foot three badass who played pro basketball.

• 6:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:05Conan O'Brien?

  And now you're an IT genius, okay?

• 6:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, sure, yeah.

• 6:10Conan O'Brien?

  You need some of this American swagger. Here's what we do in America, and I think, uh, you've probably noticed. We just say we're great at stuff.

• 6:17Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 6:18Conan O'Brien?

  Even if we're not. And, uh, a lot of times, we don't know what we're doing, but we just say we've got it all covered. And the rest of the world just shakes his head and goes, "They're wrong, but whatevs." You know what I'm saying? Yeah, so, um, I, uh, I think you should feel better about yourself, you know?

• 6:35Speaker 02

  All right, I'll take that attitude.

• 6:37Conan O'Brien?

  And you should start wearing a lot of chains.

• 6:39Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 6:40Conan O'Brien?

  Don't you think?

• 6:40Speaker 01

  That's an odd... Yeah, okay.

• 6:42Conan O'Brien?

  Just chains that say Lucas.

• 6:44Speaker 02

  Why?

• 6:45Conan O'Brien?

  And I'm 6'3".

• 6:47Speaker 01

  Okay. You want him to wear his height on a necklace?

• 6:51Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and I'm a badass.

• 6:53Speaker 01

  I mean, I feel like people know he's tall just by being around him.

• 6:56Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, you mentioned a girlfriend. What's her story?

• 6:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, so she also plays basketball. She still plays basketball, pro.

• 7:03Conan O'Brien?

  Wait, your girlfriend's a professional basketball player?

• 7:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, she is.

• 7:07Conan O'Brien?

  That's fantastic.

• 7:08Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty cool. I met her through her brother. I used to play with her brother on the team I used to play on, so...

• 7:16Conan O'Brien?

  What's her name?

• 7:16Speaker 02

  I met her... Sorry?

• 7:18Conan O'Brien?

  What's her name?

• 7:19Speaker 02

  Zoe.

• 7:20Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. Zoe, and how tall is Zoe?

• 7:24Speaker 02

  Uh, 6'1", I believe. 6'1", yeah.

• 7:27Conan O'Brien?

  You keep looking off to the side. Is she in the room with you?

• 7:30Speaker 02

  No, no, she's, uh, two rooms, uh, two rooms apart.

• 7:34Conan O'Brien?

  Wow, this relationship is flourishing. We live two rooms apart from one another.

• 7:43Conan O'Brien?

  What are you, a Mennonite? Um, okay, well, all right, uh, but thanks. How long you been going out for?

• 7:49Speaker 02

  Seven years.

• 7:50Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, my goodness. All right. Wow. Okay, things are getting serious. And you're young, so you started dating when you were 11. But you know what? Again, it's Amsterdam. You guys are probably, you know, toking on that bong.

• 8:03Speaker 01

  Oh, boy.

• 8:04Conan O'Brien?

  Dating when you're 11, you know? Uh, so, uh, no, no, no. Those are just stereotypes about Amsterdam, which we don't indulge in anymore. We know there's so much more to Amsterdam. The, uh, well, I think this is all very impressive.

• 8:17Speaker 01

  It's really cool. I think that's pretty sweet that you guys are both basketball players. I mean...

• 8:23Conan O'Brien?

  Do you play ball with each other?

• 8:25Speaker 02

  Um, not that often. Sometimes when she needs a sparring buddy on practice, I go over there and we can play some basketball.

• 8:32Conan O'Brien?

  You give her a little... You play defense a little bit and try and keep her on her, you know? That's good. That's good.

• 8:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll try to make her, uh, I'll try to make her life a little bit tough, yeah.

• 8:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay.

• 8:43Conan O'Brien?

  That's good. You live two rooms apart from each other and you try to make her life more difficult.

• 8:49Conan O'Brien?

  It's all adding up now. This is, uh, this is the way. Okay, well, I, I feel like you've got a pretty good life. Are you done with basketball or do you want to continue with it?

• 8:59Speaker 02

  No, I'm, I'm certainly, uh, I'm still currently playing. Um, so I quit pro basketball. And then I had two years of, well, not playing and I just started playing again this season, so.

• 9:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm, I'm still, but on a lower level, so I'm kind of relaxing.

• 9:16Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. What's your strength as a player?

• 9:19Speaker 02

  Ooh, I think, I think I'm a, I'm a pretty good scorer.

• 9:24Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, so are you those guys that has like a killer outside shot? Like you can just, you can just drain it?

• 9:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:30Conan O'Brien?

  You can drain threes all day?

• 9:31Speaker 01

  Buckets.

• 9:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:35Conan O'Brien?

  I'm doing the cool talk. Can you just drain buckets all day?

• 9:41Speaker 01

  Doing the cool talk. It stopped when you said cool talk. That's when it stopped being cool.

• 9:46Conan O'Brien?

  You just draining trays?

• 9:48Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 9:49Conan O'Brien?

  All day and all night? Are you just, are these raining down?

• 9:55Conan O'Brien?

  Is that what's happening with you or are you a guy that drives, do you drive to the hole? Cause I'll tell you, that's what I did in my day.

• 10:03Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 10:04Speaker 01

  Ew.

• 10:05Conan O'Brien?

  What?

• 10:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:06Conan O'Brien?

  No, I meant drive toward the basket.

• 10:08Speaker 01

  Oh, that's, okay, yeah. Okay. I thought you meant something, you know.

• 10:10Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, no.

• 10:11Speaker 01

  Vagina.

• 10:11Conan O'Brien?

  No, no. Jesus Christ, no. Right. And that doesn't exclusively mean vagina.

• 10:18Speaker 01

  Okay, okay.

• 10:19Conan O'Brien?

  There's another hole.

• 10:21Speaker 01

  Alright.

• 10:21Conan O'Brien?

  I'm just saying.

• 10:24Speaker 01

  Oh no!

• 10:25Conan O'Brien?

  I'm saying, how dare you assume it's not anal? That's very insulting.

• 10:33Conan O'Brien?

  Lucas, this has gone way off the rails. And I think I blame Lucas.

• 10:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, I blame Lucas too.

• 10:40Conan O'Brien?

  Lucas, you know what? As Americans, we blame you.

• 10:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, Dutch.

• 10:44Conan O'Brien?

  You European.

• 10:47Conan O'Brien?

  You're not pulling your fair share.

• 10:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, you piece of shit.

• 10:50Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, that was too far. This guy can drain trays all day and drive to the hole, provided it's the right hole.

• 11:01Conan O'Brien?

  Lucas, I'm ashamed of myself. I'm ashamed of my country. I'm ashamed of my assistant Sona. This is just a mess. Hey, easy on the water, okay? That stuff ain't cheap. He keeps gulping water.

• 11:15Speaker 01

  No one ever said easy on the water.

• 11:17Conan O'Brien?

  Easy on the water there, pal.

• 11:28Conan O'Brien?

  Your name represents everything you've built, okay? Everything, like, I feel that way about my name.

• 11:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:32Conan O'Brien?

  It stands for all of the work, good and not so good. But guess what? Your children's names represent their whole futures.

• 11:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:41Conan O'Brien?

  Your children haven't even started building their futures, but their identities are already valuable. Your child's clean credit history can make them a target for identity thieves. Never thought of it that way, but it's true. Identity thieves can open loans and credit cards using your child's social security number, racking up debt and ruining their credit, and you may not notice until they try and get their first credit card. So it could be a long time.

• 12:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:04Conan O'Brien?

  Well, guess what? With LifeLock, you can add family members to your plan, giving you the power to block identity threats targeting your children. Now, Sona, your kids are pretty young still.

• 12:12Speaker 01

  They are.

• 12:13Conan O'Brien?

  Five, but within a couple of years, you know, they're gonna be buying heavy machinery online.

• 12:18Speaker 01

  What?

• 12:19Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna be, become tractor fanatics. They're gonna be buying tractors online. So if you have expenses or money stolen due to identity theft, you're backed by the million-dollar protection package with up to $3 million coverage in some plans. So join now, save up to 30% off your first year. Go to lifelock.com/conan. That's lifelock.com/conan to save 30%. Terms apply.

• 12:43Conan O'Brien?

  This fall, I wanna try something different.

• 12:45Speaker 01

  What?

• 12:46Conan O'Brien?

  I like to change it up. I like to learn things, so I'm gonna try and make apple cider.

• 12:49Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 12:49Conan O'Brien?

  Every morning.

• 12:50Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 12:51Conan O'Brien?

  This fall, just to see if I can do it.

• 12:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:53Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, fall's the perfect season to try something new, like joining T-Mobile.

• 12:57Speaker 01

  Oh, that's good.

• 12:58Conan O'Brien?

  See what I did?

• 12:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:59Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, there are 250 reasons to join T-Mobile right now. You wanna hear what they are?

• 13:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:03Conan O'Brien?

  They're America's best network.

• 13:04Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 13:05Conan O'Brien?

  True story. Plus, T-Mobile has got off-grid satellite coverage. That comes in really handy. I like to just wander in the woods sometimes.

• 13:12Speaker 01

  Oh, that's weird.

• 13:12Conan O'Brien?

  When I'm thinking about, like, making apple cider. And that's when it comes in handy. Here's another reason. High-speed data in over 215 countries and destinations. I travel a lot for the

• 13:22Speaker 01

  You travel a lot.

• 13:22Conan O'Brien?

  Travel show that I do.

• 13:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:24Conan O'Brien?

  Stream this podcast while ignoring local landmarks. That's always fun to do. Like, oh, look, there's the Mona Lisa. Yeah, I'd check it out. I'm in the Louvre. I should, but I'm listening to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

• 13:34Speaker 01

  That doesn't seem like a good idea.

• 13:35Conan O'Brien?

  It's a great idea.

• 13:36Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 13:37Conan O'Brien?

  You know, you can see art anytime. But how often can you listen to this podcast?

• 13:42Speaker 01

  My god.

• 13:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. No, all these reasons make T-Mobile a great choice.

• 13:47Speaker 01

  I agree.

• 13:47Conan O'Brien?

  T-Mobile is stacking up reasons to join. Go to T-Mobile.com and find yours best based on analysis by Euclid of speed test intelligence data first half of 2026. Can't believe I read that. T-Satellite with capable devices in most outdoor areas in the US where you can see the sky. High-speed international data with qualifying plan. Visit T-Mobile.com. Consult a physician. I just threw that in there.

• 14:11Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 14:15Conan O'Brien?

  So, what are some of the things in life that really get you down?

• 14:17Speaker 01

  Uh, driving?

• 14:18Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 14:19Speaker 01

  That's the first thing that popped in my head.

• 14:21Conan O'Brien?

  No, but I've seen you drive, and it's true. I'm always picking mailboxes out of your grill. You're a creative driver. Look, let's face it. Just living on Earth can be a lot, right?

• 14:32Speaker 01

  It can.

• 14:32Conan O'Brien?

  I mean, oy vey, it's a lot.

• 14:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:34Conan O'Brien?

  There's gravity, there's mosquitoes, there's the... You know that they say the sun is going to, at some point, go supernova and incinerate the Earth probably in five billion years?

• 14:43Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 14:43Conan O'Brien?

  But watch your diet. We might be sticking around for that.

• 14:46Speaker 01

  Oh, man.

• 14:46Conan O'Brien?

  So, cosmically speaking, you've earned a break.

• 14:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:49Conan O'Brien?

  And you know where this is going? I think you do.

• 14:50Speaker 01

  No.

• 14:51Conan O'Brien?

  Pluto TV.

• 14:52Speaker 01

  Oh, right, of course.

• 14:53Conan O'Brien?

  To escape all of these hassles in life, you gotta get Pluto TV. Turn off all your earthly problems and turn on the movies and shows you already love. You've seen them, but you want to see them again. They're old friends.

• 15:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:04Conan O'Brien?

  Anchorman, The Legend of Ron Burgundy, Dirty Dancing, Alias, X-Files. Pluto TV is completely free.

• 15:10Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 15:10Conan O'Brien?

  These streamers, all these things cost so much money these days. And I won't mention that when I do an ad for them, but no subscription, no fees, zero dollars. And as any mathematician will tell you, zero is one of the most profound numbers ever conceived. I was thinking about that this morning.

• 15:25Speaker 01

  Wow, that's profound.

• 15:27Conan O'Brien?

  I really wasn't. The best thing on TV are free. Escape to Pluto TV. Stream now, pay never.

• 15:37Conan O'Brien?

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• 16:21Conan O'Brien?

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• 16:49Conan O'Brien?

  Does Zoe know that you're talking to us right now?

• 16:52Speaker 02

  Yes, she knows.

• 16:53Conan O'Brien?

  Does she approve or does she think this is a huge waste of your time?

• 16:57Speaker 02

  No, she approves.

• 16:58Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. Okay, good.

• 17:00Speaker 02

  She was pretty hyped for me.

• 17:01Speaker 01

  Does she like Conan? Does she know who he is?

• 17:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, she knows who he is. She likes him.

• 17:09Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 17:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, there you go. I mean, who wouldn't?

• 17:12Speaker 01

  Sorry.

• 17:13Conan O'Brien?

  International, international star.

• 17:14Speaker 01

  She's just two rooms over instead of like outside excited. So I just thought maybe she was just kind of ambivalent.

• 17:20Conan O'Brien?

  And you know what? They didn't even have that room. She rented that room when she heard that Lucas was gonna be talking to me.

• 17:27Conan O'Brien?

  Paying a lot of money right now to stay away.

• 17:31Conan O'Brien?

  Lucas, is there any way that I can help you? I like to help people and you seem like a nice guy and I'd like to help you in any way I can.

• 17:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, sure. So, we were on the topic of basketball and you were saying like those interesting phrases with like driving through the hole and that kind of stuff.

• 17:49Speaker 02

  So, I'm in a team with a lot of introverts and I think and I'm also kind of introverted, but when I'm on the court, I can get more vocal, but I think you could help me and maybe my team through me be more of a trash talking team.

• 18:08Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, yeah. Oh, you came to the right guy.

• 18:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:11Conan O'Brien?

  I'll tell you a true story, Lucas. I used to play a lot of basketball with just kids in the neighborhood. There was a hoop. There was a school across the street. There was a hoop there and so my brother and his friends would get together and a bunch of us would play and my sister Kate would come over and play. She's a good athlete and we would have these games, these just pickup games in the neighborhood. And I spent all my time describing who my character was. I would stop the game and describe who my character was, how he had done time in prison for murdering a fan in the stands, but got off on a technicality.

• 18:55Conan O'Brien?

  I would go on and on and on. Then I would talk constantly. When they would pass me the ball, I would start talking as my character. And it was so, I mean, occasionally people would be laughing, but a lot of times they were just annoyed and frustrated. And so, all I did was talk. So, yes, you came to the right place. I swear I could teach you guys to trash talk. I would be so good at it.

• 19:20Speaker 02

  That would be great.

• 19:21Conan O'Brien?

  Because I really know. Go ahead.

• 19:24Speaker 02

  I was about to ask, did that trash talk open up anything like in the game for you?

• 19:29Conan O'Brien?

  Um, no. It in no way helped my game. It in no way helped my game because there were long periods of time where I'm holding the ball, not moving and not trying to score or pass, but just monologuing.

• 19:46Conan O'Brien?

  As my, as my character, Nicky Fiss. Nicky Fiss was actually one of them. Nicky, his name was Nicky Fiss. P-H-I-S-S.

• 19:55Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 19:56Conan O'Brien?

  And he had done time in prison for attacking an old woman in the stands. And, and she had died and he had gone to prison for manslaughter, but then got out on a technicality. That is a real story. And I remember my brother Luke holding his head in his hands, saying, can you just pass the ball? And I would be the announcer. This is Nicky's first time since being let out of prison on a technicality, may I remind you.

• 20:21Conan O'Brien?

  Nicky Fiss murdered a 72-year-old fan. In the stands, we have tape of it now. We'll go to it now. And they, they were just begging me to play. So, um, I will make your team more vocal. I will make your team, uh, great trash talkers. Will you be better at basketball? No. Will you be worse? Yes. This will not help your game.

• 20:46Speaker 02

  Okay, that sounds like a good deal.

• 20:48Conan O'Brien?

  What about physically? Is there any way I can help you physically? Like to train or anything like that? I'm a very, I'm a very physical man. I am 6'4", uh, and, uh, I have a very impressive physicality in person. I know it doesn't come across on screen. Shut up, everyone who's here. Just shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. In person, I have a very, uh, a physical aura. How can I help you in that area?

• 21:13Speaker 02

  Well, um, maybe, I mean, um, I've, this, this is not a good way to start this story, but I've completely given up on gaining weight, even though I think I still should gain some weight. Just to like, throw people around a bit more on,

• 21:29Conan O'Brien?

  You're saying you're skinny right now.

• 21:32Speaker 02

  Um, I don't, I don't say I'm super skinny, but yeah, I'm on the, the, I'm more on the leaner side.

• 21:37Conan O'Brien?

  How much do you weigh? And if you use kilos, I'm gonna fucking lose it. I want pounds because we are the dominant empire right now.

• 21:49Conan O'Brien?

  How much do you weigh?

• 21:50Speaker 02

  I don't know how to convert this.

• 21:52Conan O'Brien?

  Well, we can convert it. How many kilos?

• 21:56Speaker 02

  Uh, I think I'm about 85 kilos right now or something.

• 22:00Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 22:00Speaker 03

  187 pounds.

• 22:02Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 22:02Conan O'Brien?

  187 pounds, okay. 6'3". You know what? We're not far off because I'm 6'4", about 191, something like that, 192, somewhere in that neighborhood. Uh, of course, mostly muscle, that weighs more.

• 22:17Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 22:19Conan O'Brien?

  I do this when I'm lying.

• 22:22Conan O'Brien?

  I never did anything wrong. I have no lust in my heart. Okay, quiet. Man can look, can't he? Anyway, you want to bulk up, right? You don't want to just put on weight because if you want to just put on weight, I would say drink liquid ice cream. Literally, I've heard actors say that. You just buy ice cream, you leave it out so it becomes a liquid, and you just ingest as much of it as you can. But that's how actors put on flab. But you want to put on muscle, right?

• 22:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:50Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 22:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, I used to like before, like I told, I had an intermission between the basketball season. So I didn't play for two years and I went to the gym more often and I gained more

• 23:03Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 23:03Speaker 02

  uh, weight and more muscle. But once I started playing again, I basically didn't go anymore.

• 23:08Conan O'Brien?

  And how does Zoe feel about this? Is Zoe content with Lucas right now? Lucas who?

• 23:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, she is.

• 23:15Conan O'Brien?

  She's not complaining, right?

• 23:17Speaker 02

  No.

• 23:18Conan O'Brien?

  She's not saying, "You're not man enough!"

• 23:21Conan O'Brien?

  "I want more muscle mass!"

• 23:24Speaker 02

  No, not that I'm a wear-off, no.

• 23:27Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, she's been calling us. We've had some calls from Zoe. Can you talk to him? Can you set it up? Okay. I would say if you want to put on weight quickly, and this is my advice for not just you, but anyone in Amsterdam, in fact, anyone in Europe, I would say move to America.

• 23:46Conan O'Brien?

  Live here for six months. And you will put on a ton of weight. Just, and you won't even know what happened. But that seems to be, that's just the American way.

• 23:58Speaker 01

  It's our garbage food.

• 23:59Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, just live, just live here. And you will gain weight. So I, that's what I would say is move here. Now, it's not gonna be muscle, it's not gonna be lean muscle mass, but you will put on, you'll go back to Amsterdam, you will weigh 240 pounds.

• 24:13Conan O'Brien?

  And you'll have had three knee replacements, and you'll only still be only 26 years old.

• 24:17Speaker 01

  How many kilos?

• 24:18Speaker 03

  108 kilos.

• 24:19Speaker 01

  108 kilos.

• 24:20Conan O'Brien?

  You weigh 108 kilos, yeah. Yeah. What kind of car, do you have a car or do you drive around on a bicycle?

• 24:26Speaker 02

  I got a bicycle.

• 24:27Conan O'Brien?

  I knew it. Do you ever go la la la la la when you're on your bicycle?

• 24:31Speaker 02

  That's all we do.

• 24:32Conan O'Brien?

  Because when I was in Amsterdam, true story, I was standing on a bridge, and two beautiful girls, literally two of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen that were wearing plaid skirts, drove by together on one bicycle, not a bicycle, but for two. One girl and another girl like, you know, and these women were, I wanna say they were like 19, 20. They were, one was sitting on the, in front of the other, like straddling the front of the bike, and the other was behind. And they rode by and they rang the bell and they were going, la la la la la la la la la. And I thought, this is Amsterdam. La la la la la la la. We live in Amsterdam, ding ding.

• 25:14Conan O'Brien?

  If you do that for two seconds in LA, you'll be beaten with a pipe.

• 25:20Conan O'Brien?

  Can you imagine if I got on the 405 freeway, ding ding ding, la la la la la la la.

• 25:27Conan O'Brien?

  Three gunshots out the window.

• 25:29Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 25:30Conan O'Brien?

  Lucas, I admire you, you seem like a very nice guy. I think you need to, I think you need to project a little more confidence, you're an impressive person. I think you're a little hard on yourself. And I'm very happy that you and Zoe have found each other, I hope someday you spend some time in the same room. I look, I aspire for that for you. I hope someday she moves to the room that you're actually in. But this seems to be working for you guys now. And it's been an honor, it's been an honor talking to you.

• 26:03Speaker 02

  Well, thank you for having me, I'll, I'll phone to Zoe and see if we can erase something in the future.

• 26:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, why don't you write Zoe a letter? And then I want it to go through the postal service, okay? And then be delivered to her door, probably within a week, by a mailman who'll be singing la la la la la on a bicycle. Uh, well, Luke, it's so cool talking to you, and I hope our paths cross someday. That'd be fun.

• 26:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, that'd be fun. Thank you for having me.

• 26:30Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, take care. Cool to talk to you.

• 26:31Speaker 02

  Thank you, Conan. Thank you, Sona.

• 26:32Conan O'Brien?

  Bye-bye.

• 26:33Speaker 02

  Bye.

• 26:35Speaker 04

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O'Brien, Sona Movsesian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

• 26:52Speaker 04

  Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Dougherty and Lisa Berman. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are done.

• 27:22Speaker 05

  Hey, it's me, Teddy Swims. You hear that? That's life. So go grab it. Grab your old friends, grab new friends, grab a White Claw. Grab flavor for everyone in your crew. Grab music, laughter, and moments you'll never forget. You'll never regret it. Oh, hey, man. Grab new friends, grab old friends, grab life. By The Glow, White Claw. Please drink responsibly. White Claw Seltzer Works, Chicago, Illinois.

• 27:53Conan O'Brien?

  When you hear Alka Seltzer, you probably think heartburn, right?

• 27:55Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 27:56Conan O'Brien?

  Well, did you know Alka Seltzer has a line of cold and flu medications known as Alka Seltzer Cold? Did you know that, David?

• 28:03Speaker 05

  No, but I feel like we need it.

• 28:04Conan O'Brien?

  Why didn't you know that, David?

• 28:05Speaker 05

  I know. You expect me to know everything.

• 28:07Conan O'Brien?

  I knew this because I've... Yeah, I've tried it. It's really good. And I like that fizzy, fizzy, fizzy when you drop the Alka Seltzer Cold into the water. Alka Seltzer Cold fast dissolves tablets are designed to deliver cold and flu relief fast. Just... Drop the two tablets in water and hear those bubbles bursting into action. Ready to work faster than pills. Bubbles faster than pills. Pills take time to dissolve, not bubbles. Next time a cold or flu strikes, quick! Alka-Seltzer Cold. Nothing works faster for cold and flu symptom relief. Among oral products used as directed.