Bley’s Fastballs Part II

Conan carefully considers what dramatic role he’d come out of acting retirement for. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: teamcoco.com/apply

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Conan O'Brien?

  Owning a car or home comes with responsibilities. Sure, it's fun, but sometimes it makes you wonder why you ever longed for adulthood in the first place. I do that all the time. I'm like, oh, these bills, these bills. What am I gonna do?

• 0:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:15Conan O'Brien?

  You know, when you own a house, you gotta fix it yourself. Sona, you see this to be true, right?

• 0:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, your garage door breaks, and you're like, well, I have to fix it.

• 0:22Conan O'Brien?

  Probably at first you said, hey, I'll get the super to fix it. It's your house, dude.

• 0:26Speaker 01

  It's mine, dude!

• 0:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Liberty Mutual customizes your car and home insurance to save you money. In fact, they work overtime to tailor your insurance policy around what you actually need. The only thing they can't do is get that liberty, liberty, liberty, liberty jingle out of your head.

• 0:39Speaker 01

  Liberty, liberty, liberty.

• 0:41Conan O'Brien?

  Liberty, liberty. It's in my head all the time.

• 0:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, me too.

• 0:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Start your quote at libertymutual.com.

• 0:49Conan O'Brien?

  Coca-Cola Zero Sugar is so good, it's almost impossible not to finish it before the meal arrives. It's just too good to wait. That happens to me sometimes.

• 0:58Speaker 01

  Me too.

• 0:58Conan O'Brien?

  You can try rules like no sipping until the appetizer arrives, or you tell your friend, "Don't let me touch my glass," but every time you're staring at an empty glass... So if you've ever finished your Coke Zero before the first fry hits the table, you're among friends. It happens. Occupational hazard with Coke Zero.

• 1:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:16Conan O'Brien?

  Real Coca-Cola taste, zero sugar, too good to wait. Enjoy an ice cold Coca-Cola Zero Sugar today.

• 1:46Conan O'Brien?

  All right, it's time for part two of what we discussed last week. It started as a massive argument. It was very intense. We were all shouting and screaming at each other. But it led to Bley reforming his ways, becoming quieter, more soft-spoken, more thoughtful. Out of that new persona came a decent pitch. He said, hey... Bley, why don't you repeat it? Uh, my pitch what?

• 2:10Speaker 02

  He's still learning.

• 2:11Conan O'Brien?

  No, he's doing it.

• 2:11Speaker 03

  Oh, I'm taking the...

• 2:12Conan O'Brien?

  Don't listen to her.

• 2:13Speaker 03

  Last week, you guys said I should lean back and I should be softer and not grip the mic. And so I'm gonna do that.

• 2:19Speaker 01

  I hate this.

• 2:20Conan O'Brien?

  No, I like it.

• 2:21Speaker 03

  My pitch last week was, you had said, you were in the movie If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You, is a dramatic role, and you had said you're not looking for any more dramatic roles. So my pitch was, like Daniel Day-Lewis coming out of retirement, what kind of role would you come out of retirement for to... What new... It is not a...

• 2:41Conan O'Brien?

  Almost at it. Oh, you know what? You almost at it. It's okay.

• 2:44Speaker 03

  What, what role?

• 2:44Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? This is a new persona, and those take time to get used to.

• 2:47Speaker 03

  What role would you, what dramatic role would you do next if you were to...

• 2:52Conan O'Brien?

  We got it. We got it. You could have ended the sentence there.

• 2:54Speaker 01

  Look what you guys did.

• 2:56Speaker 03

  But I did it softly, right?

• 2:57Speaker 01

  Look what you did to my boy.

• 2:58Speaker 03

  I did it softly.

• 2:59Conan O'Brien?

  You know what? I like it when you're inarticulate quietly.

• 3:01Speaker 03

  Okay. I'm just saying, I did do it softly.

• 3:04Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:05Speaker 03

  And lean, and I leaned back.

• 3:06Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. Good. Very good. We're done with that.

• 3:08Speaker 03

  Okay, sorry.

• 3:08Conan O'Brien?

  Let's get on to the idea itself.

• 3:09Speaker 03

  Here's the idea, yes.

• 3:10Conan O'Brien?

  The idea involves me, and I think it's worthy of discussion.

• 3:16Conan O'Brien?

  Well, famously, Daniel Day-Lewis has retired, I think, several times from acting.

• 3:21Speaker 02

  He's back again.

• 3:21Conan O'Brien?

  And when he does, he doesn't just, you know, mow the lawn. He's very interested in, I think, making shoes.

• 3:30Speaker 02

  He's a cobbler.

• 3:30Conan O'Brien?

  He's a cobbler, and I've actually driven through the town in Ireland where he lives, and he makes shoes. So if you can imagine, and he makes them the old-fashioned way. And that's what's fascinating to me, is that this, maybe our greatest actor in the world, makes shoes when he chooses not to act. So let's have everyone imagine that I, I completed my role in If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You, and I've retired to my small village. And I make late 19th century prosthetics for people who've lost their feet in a mining accident. And that's just my hobby. And so people come in and they say, "I lost my foot."

• 4:15Conan O'Brien?

  And I say, "Ah, sit there and have some cider." And then I... I do various measurements and then I-

• 4:21Speaker 02

  While they wait?

• 4:22Conan O'Brien?

  While they wait. And I say, and you know what, while they're waiting, they have to live off only cider. And then I go into the woods with like a 19th century saw. And I pick out the best old tree I can find. And I fell a giant tree, a massive beautiful tree that's been around for a thousand years. And then I take one tiny piece of it-

• 4:43Speaker 02

  For a finger.

• 4:45Conan O'Brien?

  For a toe that was lost by this guy. And then I go back and while he's dying now, because it's been a while, I had to go to a tree in the Pacific Northwest. And he's in Jersey, but I will, I will craft that. And that's what I do. But then, um, one of my fans has a great idea for a role I should play. And it pulls me away from, uh, my, my craft. And I come back to the world of acting and people are just as excited as when Daniel Day-Lewis reenters.

• 5:14Speaker 02

  I see.

• 5:14Conan O'Brien?

  Just as excited. This is an alternate universe where that would be possible.

• 5:18Speaker 02

  Gotcha.

• 5:18Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. So I guess-

• 5:20Speaker 01

  Where you can fell a tree.

• 5:25Conan O'Brien?

  Listen, I've read a lot of book, Sona. I've read a lot of books about manual labor.

• 5:32Conan O'Brien?

  Okay? I've just finished a book called Exertion. And so I'm quite, I'm quite certain that when the time comes for me to do something with my hands or body, I will know how to do it. Long hours in the libraries.

• 5:49Conan O'Brien?

  So that's what we're talking about, I guess, is, uh, what role would I, what role would I do? And I guess we're gonna turn this out to the fans, right?

• 5:57Speaker 02

  Well, we can do that, but we can discuss it amongst ourselves.

• 5:59Conan O'Brien?

  We'll discuss it first amongst ourselves and then maybe it will end with a, a challenge to the fans. Tell me what role I should play.

• 6:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, maybe there'll be some good ideas we can discuss at a further time. But the, the one staring us right in the face is that-

• 6:11Speaker 01

  Is Pippi.

• 6:13Speaker 02

  Pippi Longstocking, yeah.

• 6:14Conan O'Brien?

  Me play Pippi Longstocking?

• 6:16Speaker 01

  Is that what you were gonna say?

• 6:17Speaker 02

  No, but that's pretty good.

• 6:18Conan O'Brien?

  Pippi Longstocking is, well, okay. Pippi, refresh my memory, because I'm sure you're gonna know about Pippi.

• 6:23Speaker 02

  Well, we've talked about Pippi an inordinate amount of times on this podcast for some reason.

• 6:27Conan O'Brien?

  Well, we have. There are certain topics that naturally draw humans to conversation.

• 6:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:34Speaker 02

  Do you know that we talked about it so much so that they did a documentary on her in Sweden? And they reached out to me because of this podcast? And I'm on that documentary talking about my experience with Pippi.

• 6:44Conan O'Brien?

  That warms my heart. Well, Sweden, we're thinking of you, and thanks for the work. Yeah, I mean, me to play, is Pippi, how old is Pippi? Is Pippi in her twenties?

• 6:55Speaker 02

  No.

• 6:56Conan O'Brien?

  Teens?

• 6:56Speaker 02

  No, I mean, yeah, she's like 12 or 13, maybe.

• 6:59Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, she's 12 or 13? I thought she was super strong.

• 7:01Speaker 02

  She is.

• 7:02Conan O'Brien?

  Do they ever explain why she is so strong? It's not like it's the, she's far from the red sun.

• 7:09Speaker 02

  No, that's Superman.

• 7:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, okay.

• 7:11Speaker 02

  No, she's just got magical kind of strength. It's just like wonderful, youthful.

• 7:16Conan O'Brien?

  Wow, what a great, what a great origin story. Hey, this is who I am, quit asking.

• 7:20Speaker 02

  I could be wrong. I don't know.

• 7:22Conan O'Brien?

  How did Green Lantern, hey! This is what I do, leave me alone.

• 7:25Speaker 02

  My experience with Pippi is only the dubbed American versions of the Swedish movies, so I don't even know.

• 7:31Conan O'Brien?

  Well, anyway, no, it's not gonna be Pippi. Because I don't think I can play an 11-year-old girl.

• 7:35Speaker 02

  The one I was thinking of is this year specifically, they have to cast a new James Bond, you know?

• 7:41Speaker 01

  Uh.

• 7:43Conan O'Brien?

  Well, that would.

• 7:43Speaker 02

  I'm not suggesting that.

• 7:44Speaker 01

  Okay, okay.

• 7:45Speaker 02

  I'm just saying, let's get, let's take it off the table.

• 7:47Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, well, are they looking at Long in the Tooth Irishmen? Who've lived, who've lived in America for a couple hundred years.

• 7:55Speaker 02

  I guess Pierce Brosnan's a Long in the Tooth Irishman, they could just go back to home.

• 7:59Speaker 01

  Can you be suave and British?

• 8:01Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, come on.

• 8:02Speaker 01

  Do you even do a British accent? I've never heard you do a British accent.

• 8:05Conan O'Brien?

  Well, first of all, Does he have to be British?

• 8:08Speaker 02

  Distinctively so, yeah. I mean, that's the one thing he has to be.

• 8:12Conan O'Brien?

  Look, they know that they're gonna make changes. You know, Bond has to change with the times, right? So I'm thinking of a Bond who's from just outside Boston, in Brookline, Massachusetts.

• 8:22Speaker 02

  You're not far off. You know, they considered Burt Reynolds, they screen tested James Brolin.

• 8:26Conan O'Brien?

  Is that true?

• 8:27Speaker 02

  They considered Adam West at one time, too.

• 8:29Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, my god.

• 8:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 8:30Conan O'Brien?

  Um, well, they dodged some bullets there, probably.

• 8:34Speaker 02

  I know.

• 8:34Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, I mean, and I love those guys. I love everyone you just mentioned, but yes, it has to be British. Has to be British. No, there's no way I could be James Bond.

• 8:44Conan O'Brien?

  Because, yes, I have, I think I have the suave sophistication. And I think I have the temperament. I think my fight scenes would be quite unusual. And I love that my Bond would be a Bond who, anytime he has to use the gadget, calls Sona and asks Sona how to use the gadget.

• 9:06Speaker 02

  You're his cue.

• 9:07Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, but in real time, like, I'm fighting the Russian agent, and I call you to figure out how to use the thing in my watch that turns it into a garret, so I can strangle him, and you have to walk me through it.

• 9:20Speaker 01

  And then you call me?

• 9:21Conan O'Brien?

  While I download the app.

• 9:22Speaker 01

  I don't pick up, and then...

• 9:24Conan O'Brien?

  I call David.

• 9:24Speaker 01

  And then you call David, David doesn't pick up, then you start, like, doing all bits on our voicemail, and then you die.

• 9:31Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah, this is enough.

• 9:33Speaker 01

  It's gonna be the shortest James Bond movie.

• 9:36Speaker 02

  Sounds good.

• 9:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 9:37Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, but then the end of the movie is, uh, just playing all the bits that I did on the phone.

• 9:42Speaker 02

  You mean like Cannonball Run blooper style over the credits?

• 9:45Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, exactly. Just bits, bits, bits, and people, people say like, "The movie's terrible, but stick around for the credit bed, because those bits with Sona and David are okay."

• 9:56Speaker 02

  All right, so let's take Bond and Pippi off the table as much as we don't want to.

• 10:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, my, my question was if there was a biopic you would do.

• 10:03Speaker 02

  Oh, right.

• 10:03Speaker 01

  And then I thought, like, oh, but then you'd want to be like Lyndon Johnson's...

• 10:07Conan O'Brien?

  Slenderman.

• 10:08Speaker 01

  Treasury Secretary.

• 10:10Conan O'Brien?

  Slenderman.

• 10:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:11Conan O'Brien?

  No, I mean, uh, that's a really good question. I don't know what historical figure I'm most like, I'm the exact height. Uh, of Lincoln.

• 10:22Speaker 02

  Speaking of Daniel Day-Lewis, though.

• 10:23Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 10:24Speaker 02

  Would you be ready to come on the heels of that recent film and try to one up it?

• 10:27Conan O'Brien?

  I have problems with his Lincoln.

• 10:29Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 10:31Conan O'Brien?

  I do, and he's a great, and I thought he nailed it in a lot of ways. But I didn't see him ever look to camera and like make faces or anything. I didn't see him once.

• 10:40Speaker 02

  That's what you would bring to the role.

• 10:42Conan O'Brien?

  I would step, I, yeah.

• 10:43Speaker 01

  Like Lincoln used to do.

• 10:44Conan O'Brien?

  I do a lot of breaking the fourth wall.

• 10:46Speaker 02

  This is your camera, let's see a little Lincoln.

• 10:49Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I guess I gotta go to the theater. Ah, might not be a good idea, if you know what I mean. Oh, what?

• 10:56Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 10:57Conan O'Brien?

  Um, do you know what I mean?

• 10:58Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 10:59Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 11:00Speaker 01

  Wait, Lincoln knows what's gonna happen to him?

• 11:01Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, he knows, but he thinks it's all kind of fun.

• 11:06Conan O'Brien?

  You know, and, um.

• 11:08Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 11:09Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, you know, uh, yeah, he's like, let's go to the theater, I could get shot. Well, it's our American cousin. Um, it's pretty funny, maybe worth it. Oink, you know, he, he's, he knows what's happening.

• 11:19Speaker 02

  He goes, well, I'll be sitting in case anyone's curious.

• 11:22Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah. But I mean, I think there are many similarities between Lincoln and I, I think. We're both kind of tall, rangy, uh, sharp-cheekboned, uh, guys that just stepped out of the prairie and, and, and gave a new hope of freedom to America.

• 11:45Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 11:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love awards.

• 11:48Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen, you know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 12:02Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 12:02Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 12:11Speaker 01

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 12:15Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5N, which I love. Beautiful car. Well, listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 12:34Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 12:35Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space with available, I have this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty. It's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View U.S. News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 13:10Conan O'Brien?

  This fall, I want to try something different.

• 13:12Speaker 01

  What?

• 13:12Conan O'Brien?

  I like to change it up. I like to learn things, so I'm going to try and make apple cider.

• 13:16Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 13:16Conan O'Brien?

  Every morning.

• 13:17Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 13:18Conan O'Brien?

  This fall, just to see if I can do it.

• 13:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:20Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, fall's the perfect season to try something new, like joining T-Mobile.

• 13:24Speaker 01

  Oh, that's good.

• 13:25Conan O'Brien?

  See what I did?

• 13:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:26Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, there are 250 reasons to join T-Mobile right now. You want to hear what they are?

• 13:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:30Conan O'Brien?

  They're America's best network.

• 13:31Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 13:32Conan O'Brien?

  True story. Plus, T-Mobile has got off-grid satellite coverage. That comes in really handy. I like to just wander in the woods sometimes.

• 13:39Speaker 01

  Oh, that's weird.

• 13:39Conan O'Brien?

  When I'm thinking about, like, making apple cider.

• 13:41Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 13:42Conan O'Brien?

  And that's when it comes in handy.

• 13:43Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 13:44Conan O'Brien?

  Here's another reason. High-speed data in over 215 countries and destinations. I travel a lot for the

• 13:49Speaker 01

  You travel a lot.

• 13:49Conan O'Brien?

  Travel show that I do.

• 13:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:51Conan O'Brien?

  Stream this podcast while ignoring local landmarks. That's always fun to do. Like, oh, look, there's the Mona Lisa. Yeah, check it out. I'm in the Louvre. I should, but I'm listening to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

• 14:01Speaker 01

  That doesn't seem like a good idea.

• 14:02Conan O'Brien?

  I think it's a great idea.

• 14:03Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 14:04Conan O'Brien?

  You know, you can see art anytime. But how often can you listen to this podcast?

• 14:09Speaker 01

  My god.

• 14:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 14:10Speaker 01

  What?

• 14:11Conan O'Brien?

  No, all these reasons make T-Mobile a great choice.

• 14:13Speaker 01

  I agree.

• 14:14Conan O'Brien?

  T-Mobile is stacking up reasons to join. Go to tmobile.com and find yours best, based on analysis by Ookla of speed test intelligence data first half of 2026. Can't believe I read that. T-Satellite with capable devices in most outdoor areas in the U.S., where you can see the sky. High-speed international data with qualifying plan. Visit tmobile.com, consult a physician. I just threw that in there.

• 14:38Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 14:42Conan O'Brien?

  When you hear Alka Seltzer, you probably think heartburn, right?

• 14:44Speaker 04

  Yep.

• 14:45Conan O'Brien?

  Well, did you know Alka Seltzer has a line of cold and flu medications known as Alka Seltzer Cold?

• 14:51Speaker 04

  Ooh.

• 14:51Conan O'Brien?

  Did you know that, David?

• 14:52Speaker 04

  No, but I feel like we need it.

• 14:53Conan O'Brien?

  Why didn't you know that, David?

• 14:55Speaker 04

  I know, you expect me to know everything.

• 14:56Conan O'Brien?

  I knew this.

• 14:57Speaker 04

  Did you?

• 14:58Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I've tried it, it's really good. And I like that fizzy, fizzy, fizzy when you drop the Alka Seltzer Cold into the water.

• 15:04Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 15:04Conan O'Brien?

  Alka Seltzer Cold: Fast Dissolves Tablets Are Designed to Deliver Cold and Flu Relief Fast. Just drop the two tablets in water and hear those bubbles bursting into action. Ready to work faster than pills. Bubbles faster than pills. Pills take time to dissolve, not bubbles. Next time a cold or flu strikes, quick! Alka Seltzer Cold: Nothing Works Faster for Cold and Flu Symptom Relief. Among oral products used as directed.

• 15:34Conan O'Brien?

  So, you have to admit, the holidays, it's really about hanging with the people you love.

• 15:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:40Conan O'Brien?

  And getting to be yourself. Not going to some stuffy holiday party where you need to conform to what the man wants you to think about the holidays.

• 15:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:49Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's about being yourself. Turn your holiday time into Miller time by enjoying a Miller Lite in a place where you're free to enjoy yourself. On a walk with a cousin? With a cousin? Why are they getting all specific about?

• 16:00Speaker 01

  Because it's family.

• 16:01Conan O'Brien?

  But what about a niece or a nephew?

• 16:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:05Conan O'Brien?

  Like a walk with an ex-wife?

• 16:08Conan O'Brien?

  I don't know, I mean, they're just throwing, that's a weird, they just made a very specific choice.

• 16:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:12Conan O'Brien?

  Now's the time for those unexpected holiday side guests and enjoy a great tasting light beer. 'Tis Miller Time, as Dickens wrote. Miller Lite is brewed for taste, the taste you can depend on. The original light beer since 1975 and still iconic more than 50 years later. I like to be with my bros, my chums, my posse. Crack open a Miller Lite, take a swig, a sip, look around and see my friends. We've known each other forever and we're just hanging out.

• 16:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, you guys are just doing chest bumps and high-fiving.

• 16:42Conan O'Brien?

  Miller Lite is great taste done right. Go to millerlite.com/conan to find delivery options near you. Or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. 'Tis Miller Time. Celebrate responsibly Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

• 17:04Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, one idea is, you know, they get the opposites. They get two guys who are completely unlike each other to be in a cop movie.

• 17:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:13Conan O'Brien?

  And I've often thought, what if me and Olafant were in a movie?

• 17:19Speaker 02

  This is good.

• 17:19Conan O'Brien?

  And it's a cop movie and, you know, he's, he's the, he means Tim Olafant. So he's incredibly cool.

• 17:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:30Conan O'Brien?

  And he knows what he's doing. And then I'm the guy who, uh, let's face it, shouldn't be there. So it's that kind of thing. What do we think?

• 17:40Speaker 02

  I like this.

• 17:40Speaker 01

  I actually, I really like that idea.

• 17:42Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 17:43Speaker 01

  Just so Olafant can come in here and like pitch, not pitch the movie, but like promote the movie and stuff. This is another excuse to have him come back.

• 17:51Speaker 02

  Two cops, couldn't it be that he's a cop and you're like an insurance adjuster that he has to, almost midnight run style, has to get you somewhere.

• 17:58Conan O'Brien?

  How about this, closer to reality? He's a cop and I know this has been done a million times, is the actor who has to sit, go on some ride alongs with him. That's been done a lot.

• 18:08Speaker 02

  No, but not for a movie, has it?

• 18:09Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it has. Yeah, I think 55 times. But anyway, um, that is not the way we go. I'm a podcaster. We, we, we take it home to what we actually do. It's closer to home.

• 18:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, this is good.

• 18:24Conan O'Brien?

  So I'm a podcaster.

• 18:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:25Conan O'Brien?

  Or a, a, a former late night host.

• 18:29Speaker 02

  Right.

• 18:29Conan O'Brien?

  But I think podcaster puts us more in the zeitgeist.

• 18:32Speaker 02

  So are you doing a true crime podcast where you've got to ride along with this guy?

• 18:36Conan O'Brien?

  That's the way to go.

• 18:37Speaker 02

  About him.

• 18:37Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 18:37Speaker 01

  Oh, that's cool.

• 18:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:39Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. But I'm a real, yeah, exactly.

• 18:41Speaker 02

  It's a did he or didn't he? So there's a level of threat.

• 18:44Conan O'Brien?

  But also I'm always, I've got my equipment, my podcast equipment.

• 18:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:49Conan O'Brien?

  And so there's that comedy, there's, there's me constantly bothering him. Oh, I'm thinking right now, Only Murders in the Building is about podcasting.

• 18:56Speaker 02

  That's okay. There's, everything's about podcasting now sadly.

• 19:00Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 19:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:00Conan O'Brien?

  That does, that bumps me out and I, even though I know those guys and some say I really inspire them.

• 19:08Conan O'Brien?

  I think I'm.

• 19:09Speaker 02

  Sounds like they're inspiring you right now.

• 19:11Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if I'm a podcaster then. I don't know.

• 19:14Speaker 02

  What about a journalist?

• 19:16Conan O'Brien?

  Boring.

• 19:17Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 19:17Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 19:18Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 19:19Conan O'Brien?

  Um, yeah, I'm a contest winner. I don't know. There's gotta be a reason why a guy like me is riding around with Tim Oliphant, who's a really good detective or cop, but we'll figure that out.

• 19:30Speaker 02

  I know.

• 19:31Conan O'Brien?

  But.

• 19:31Speaker 02

  He, he has been accused of maybe some going over the line. He's a bit of a loose cannon. He's a, he's a quiet, kind of cool, loose cannon, and you're the IAA Internal Affairs guy that has to follow him around to see if he's actually going too far.

• 19:46Conan O'Brien?

  Do you get loose cannon though from, I get.

• 19:48Speaker 02

  Well, when he's in here, definitely.

• 19:50Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's true.

• 19:51Speaker 02

  But I don't mean loose cannon that he's crazy, but like Martin Riggs from Lethal Weapon, like he could crack or he could go too far and be a vigilante, you know, like he could administer his own justice and you have to figure this out.

• 20:01Conan O'Brien?

  I'm just not sensing it. I don't think you have it. I don't think, and, and this is.

• 20:04Speaker 02

  Okay, but I just want to say that pitch was what we're trying to get Bley to do, right? That kind of style, you know?

• 20:09Speaker 01

  What do you mean?

• 20:09Speaker 02

  Just.

• 20:10Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 20:10Speaker 02

  Just how it was delivered.

• 20:11Conan O'Brien?

  A chill.

• 20:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 20:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was very chill.

• 20:14Conan O'Brien?

  Your pitch style was terrific.

• 20:16Speaker 02

  Okay, thank you.

• 20:16Conan O'Brien?

  Your pitch style was terrific. The pitch itself was, you know, a rotted corn on the cob.

• 20:21Speaker 02

  That's fine.

• 20:21Conan O'Brien?

  But I don't think it's quite right. Yes, Ablay?

• 20:23Speaker 03

  I, I have, I have a quiet pitch, which is going off your idea, there is a hostage situation and you're the hostage negotiator brought in.

• 20:32Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 20:33Speaker 03

  But it's your first day.

• 20:34Conan O'Brien?

  Okay. I'm just trying to think of something that jumps out at studio executives. And by the way, studio executives today, who are on the ropes.

• 20:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:43Conan O'Brien?

  What's working? Nothing's working. And you come in, it's gotta be something that makes their minds explode.

• 20:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:48Conan O'Brien?

  Now, first of all, you say you've got Tim Oliphant. They're interested. Then you say Conan O'Brien's involved too. They're, they're very excited, you know, very excited.

• 20:58Speaker 01

  More so than Timothy Oliphant?

• 20:59Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 21:00Speaker 01

  Is that what you said?

• 21:00Conan O'Brien?

  And listen, no offense to Tim Oliphant, and Tim's a good friend of mine.

• 21:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:05Conan O'Brien?

  But yeah, yeah.

• 21:06Speaker 01

  Oh, oh, more excited. Okay. All right.

• 21:08Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 21:09Speaker 01

  I was gonna say with your hostage one, I, I'd rather the hostage be a woman so that they can do it. Like, the whole thing is, how do we get Tim Oliphant, like, to make it?

• 21:18Speaker 02

  This victim hostage woman is gonna have sex with her captor? That's the biggest case of Stockholm syndrome I've ever.

• 21:23Conan O'Brien?

  Can I just say? No one who goes to a Conan O'Brien movie. Expect or wants to see sex. So, this is for the rare moviegoer who hates the idea of sex and never wants to see it.

• 21:38Speaker 01

  Hear me out. You're not in, you're an extra. So you're like, only show up for a second and then the rest of it is like, people doing it with each other.

• 21:46Speaker 02

  And then he's eventually cut out anyway.

• 21:47Speaker 05

  I think studio executives who are on the ropes right now are looking to maybe make the next heated rivalry. And so maybe it's a Conan, Timothy Olyphant. And you guys have a little romance.

• 21:58Conan O'Brien?

  You know what, so he's some kind of athlete, cause he can pull that off.

• 22:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:01Conan O'Brien?

  And I'm a guy who was an athlete, but then fell into a vat of chemicals.

• 22:07Conan O'Brien?

  Like the Joker. And it turned my hair red and made me all stretchy and pale and long.

• 22:12Speaker 02

  Okay, this is good.

• 22:13Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, and so, um, but we, when I used to be an athlete, we would pal around. And so, but now, um, we're together and what are we doing together? Cause he, he, he feels badly for me and I'm, I'm comical relief. I'm hanging around. Uh, I don't think he could be a current day athlete, so he's a retired athlete, right? Cause I think, I'm looking at it right now.

• 22:37Speaker 05

  I was saying that they do it. I was saying that they're, that he's, even if it was a cop and negotiator situation, you guys are, you guys are finding a way to do it.

• 22:44Conan O'Brien?

  So it's me and Tim, hold on, it's me and Tim getting it on.

• 22:48Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 22:48Conan O'Brien?

  Cause we're in love with each other.

• 22:49Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 22:49Conan O'Brien?

  Did I also fall into a vat of chemicals?

• 22:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's in every one of these pitches.

• 22:53Conan O'Brien?

  Okay.

• 22:54Speaker 02

  That's a given.

• 22:54Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I mean, I, that's, let's just say, the way people buy me in a movie is if I fell into a vat of chemicals. That's, that's crucial.

• 23:03Speaker 02

  What about this?

• 23:04Conan O'Brien?

  That's the only.

• 23:05Speaker 02

  He's a veteran gigolo and you're a gigolo in training.

• 23:08Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 23:09Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 23:09Conan O'Brien?

  Who fell into a vat of chemicals?

• 23:11Speaker 02

  For sure, this goes without saying.

• 23:12Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, okay.

• 23:13Speaker 02

  This was every pitch we talked about from here on out.

• 23:15Speaker 01

  He's a veteran and he's training him?

• 23:18Speaker 02

  Well, he, for some reason wants to create, like, late-stage career change.

• 23:21Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, this is what happened. This is what happened.

• 23:23Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 23:24Conan O'Brien?

  Um, uh, Tim is a roommate. I'm a podcaster, former late-night host who lives with Tim Olyphant. Who, who, that's not his name. His name's Chet, Chet Chasnick. And, and, um, Chet?

• 23:42Conan O'Brien?

  This, we'll work this out. We'll, we'll figure this out. But, but Chet is a gigolo, okay? Okay. And then, um, uh, I've always been a little jealous of that. Then I fall into chemicals. There's obviously- The podcast bubble bursts.

• 23:55Speaker 01

  You're dying and you just wanna have a sexcapade. And so you're like, "Show me the ways."

• 24:01Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, I didn't realize, okay, well, there's dying. I was gonna say, "I fall into chemicals, I'm in the hospital, and they're doing rehab on me and they say, 'You need to find a new hobby.'" And I say, "Well, my roommate is a gigolo, but I know so little about it, I call it gigolo." That's how little I know about it.

• 24:18Speaker 01

  And you pay the women to do you.

• 24:20Conan O'Brien?

  Yes. Yeah, so he's just a John.

• 24:26Conan O'Brien?

  And, and Tim is really, Tim is like, "What?" And he gets arrested for prostitu- for soliciting prostitution.

• 24:32Speaker 01

  And the movie ends.

• 24:33Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Yes. No, and because- And then he falls in another vat of chemicals. Wait, the, the police, the police go to arrest me. I'm totally confused, cuz I think, I'm, what I'm doing, first of all, I know that I'm doing something wrong. Yeah. Because I'm losing a ton of money as a gigolo, or as I call it, gigolo. Um, and then the police come to arrest me, I run away, and while they're chasing me, I fall into more chemicals. Yes, and the movie's called Gusta Gigolo. Gust- I'm Gusta Gigolo. Everywhere I Joe.

• 25:04Speaker 01

  Okay, I gotta-

• 25:07Conan O'Brien?

  You know? No, it checks out, it checks out, if you do the math. You know, it checks out, if you have a piece of paper, and you've just written rap, and you're showing it to me, I guess it checks out. In the weird, in the weird, "Look, I guess it all checks out." It checks out, it checks out, it checks out. That reminds me of bad, my least favorite thing about improv is when I, is when you go see improv and the people on stage are like, "Well, I'm in a chocolate factory, I make blenders." "Wait, what? No, you don't, I'm your father, my father's dead." And they just look at the audience, and the director walks out and goes, "Ha, ha, ha, and scene, like they nailed it." Yeah. That's what you do when you hold up this rap at that point. I disagree. Uh, nicely done. Okay, um, let's put it out to the fans.

• 25:51Conan O'Brien?

  If you think of a really good movie I could be in, Yeah. Um, and I'm gonna even say it could be an existing franchise where I would slot in nicely. And I'm, I'm serious, like, I'm, I'm not looking to do more. I, I think, and cinema isn't asking me to do more, but- Should the right idea come, I might do it. Yeah. Keep our heart open, yeah. And so, let's hear your ideas, fans.

• 26:16Speaker 02

  Okay, great. To be continued.

• 26:19Speaker 02

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O'Brien, Sona Movsesian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

• 26:36Speaker 02

  Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Dougherty and Lisa Berman. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are done.

• 27:06Conan O'Brien?

  Technology can generate salary recommendations in seconds, but building an offer that lends skilled talent, that takes more than just an estimate you came up with.

• 27:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:15Conan O'Brien?

  You know?

• 27:15Speaker 01

  You're right.

• 27:15Conan O'Brien?

  That's where Robert Half's new 2027 Salary Guide can help.

• 27:19Speaker 01

  That's good.

• 27:20Conan O'Brien?

  Did we use a salary guide with you, Sona?

• 27:22Speaker 01

  Uh, no, but maybe-

• 27:23Conan O'Brien?

  For several years, I just gave you groceries, remember?

• 27:25Speaker 01

  I know, yeah, I remember that. That was not good.

• 27:28Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, well, anyway, now you got Robert Half's new 2027 Salary Guide. As a staffing firm placing talent every day, Robert Half combines compensation data with the experience of local recruiters. So you can hire with the confidence that comes from experience. The new Robert Half Salary Guide is here. Visit roberthalf.com/salaryguide.

• 27:47Speaker 04

  Hey, it's Dan Cummins. If you're into the weird, the wild, and the downright bizarre, check out my podcast, Time Suck. Each week, I dive into shocking stories like the rise of the NXIVM cult, the origins of conspiracies like QAnon, and the San Francisco witch killer murders. With deep dives and dark humor, Time Suck brings you the stories that'll fascinate you, make you laugh, and fill your head with lots of strange facts. New episodes drop every Monday. Join the cult of the curious. Follow Time Suck wherever you get your podcasts.