Byron Allen | Club Random with Bill Maher

Bill Maher welcomes media mogul Byron Allen to Club Random for one of the most remarkable origin stories you'll hear all year. Long before building a multibillion-dollar media empire, Byron was a 14-year-old kid hanging around NBC, studying Johnny Carson like it was graduate school and writing jokes for Jimmie Walker alongside young comics named Jay Leno and David Letterman. Bill and Byron trade stories about Carson, the Comedy Store, Hollywood in the '70s and '80s, early career missteps, and the mentors who changed their lives. Byron explains how his mother's persistence shaped everything he built, why showing up earlier than everyone else became his greatest advantage, and why he still believes health—not money—is the ultimate measure of wealth. Support our Advertisers: -Get 50% off plus free daily greens per box at https://www.factormeals.com/random50off with code random50off -Try QUO for free PLUS get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to https://www.quo.com/random Subscribe to the Club Random YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/c/clubrandompodcast?sub_confirmation=1⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Watch episodes ad-free – subscribe to Bill Maher’s Substack: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://billmaher.substack.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you listen: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bit.ly/ClubRandom⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Buy Club Random Merch: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://clubrandom.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices ABOUT CLUB RANDOM Bill Maher rewrites the rules of podcasting the way he did in television in this series of one on one, hour long conversations with a wide variety of unexpected guests in the undisclosed location called Club Random. There’s a whole big world out there that isn’t about politics and Bill and his guests—from Bill Burr and Jerry Seinfeld to Jordan Peterson, Quentin Tarantino and Neil DeGrasse Tyson—talk about all of it. For advertising opportunities please email: [email protected] ABOUT BILL MAHER Bill Maher was the host of “Politically Incorrect” (Comedy Central, ABC) from 1993-2002, and for the last fourteen years on HBO’s “Real Time,” Maher’s combination of unflinching honesty and big laughs have garnered him 40 Emmy nominations. Maher won his first Emmy in 2014 as executive producer for the HBO series, “VICE.” In October of 2008, this same combination was on display in Maher’s uproarious and unprecedented swipe at organized religion, “Religulous.” Maher has written five bestsellers: “True Story,” “Does Anybody Have a Problem with That? Politically Incorrect’s Greatest Hits,” “When You Ride Alone, You Ride with Bin Laden,” “New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer,” and most recently, “The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass.” FOLLOW CLUB RANDOM https://www.clubrandom.com https://www.facebook.com/Club-Random-101776489118185 https://twitter.com/clubrandom_ https://www.instagram.com/clubrandompodcast https://www.tiktok.com/@clubrandompodcast FOLLOW BILL MAHER https://www.billmaher.com https://twitter.com/billmaher https://www.instagram.com/billmaher Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:42Speaker 00

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• 1:01Bill Maher?

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• 1:36Speaker 02

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• 1:41Speaker 03

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• 1:46Speaker 02

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• 1:47Speaker 03

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• 1:52Speaker 03

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• 2:00Bill Maher?

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• 2:43Bill Maher?

  I don't know about you, but I'm a big fan of Green in all its forms. Get it? And for fellow lovers of, well, Green, the Club Random merch store has you covered. Grinders, papers, and Zippo lighters, all designed to support your relationship with Green, wink, wink, whatever and whatever philosophy comes with that for you. Head to clubrandom.com and bring home some random.

• 3:13Speaker 04

  Did you deviate?

• 3:14Bill Maher?

  I did.

• 3:14Speaker 04

  Okay, that's what I...

• 3:15Bill Maher?

  Well, I don't know.

• 3:17Speaker 04

  You deviated.

• 3:18Bill Maher?

  I probably.

• 3:18Speaker 04

  Yeah, you absolutely did. I do not want parking spot number two.

• 3:25Bill Maher?

  You were always one chess move ahead of the rest of us.

• 3:27Speaker 04

  No, no, no.

• 3:28Bill Maher?

  Byron. Byron?

• 3:33Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 3:35Bill Maher?

  You're so early, I'm so sorry.

• 3:37Speaker 04

  Early? I'm just on time, buddy.

• 3:39Bill Maher?

  Oh, well, our official time is 5:30.

• 3:43Speaker 04

  Oh, I'm sorry. They told me to get here at 5:00.

• 3:46Bill Maher?

  Well, because you can't materialize at the moment the show starts, we think, well, you don't need makeup.

• 3:53Speaker 04

  And I don't need hair.

• 3:54Bill Maher?

  Do you ever, do you ever wear makeup on your comics?

• 3:57Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:58Bill Maher?

  Really?

• 3:58Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 4:00Bill Maher?

  Okay.

• 4:00Speaker 04

  Yeah, and I don't need hair, so that's the...

• 4:02Bill Maher?

  You don't look made up.

• 4:03Speaker 04

  Oh, okay.

• 4:04Bill Maher?

  But, you know, black don't, black don't crack, I mean, right?

• 4:07Speaker 04

  Yeah, but you don't look made up.

• 4:09Bill Maher?

  Well, I'm tarred up, you know, but, but, you know.

• 4:15Speaker 04

  If you don't put makeup on, what do you look like?

• 4:20Speaker 04

  You look like Bill.

• 4:21Bill Maher?

  I do.

• 4:21Speaker 04

  What year did you come out here?

• 4:24Bill Maher?

  Eighty-three.

• 4:25Speaker 04

  Eighty-three, so there you go, eighty-three, seventeen. I've known you almost forty-five years.

• 4:30Bill Maher?

  And that's what I love about this show is that, you know, busy people like us, we sort of, we like each other so much, you can tell when we talk, but we never really make a plan to get together, even though I've always wanted to and you've always wanted to, but we have our lives. And this is like, oh, somebody who I know, but I don't really know.

• 4:47Speaker 04

  Oh, that's very.

• 4:48Bill Maher?

  And now, we're gonna, you know.

• 4:51Bill Maher?

  All questions will be answered tonight. Are you having a drink with me?

• 4:56Speaker 04

  I just drink water, I'm good.

• 4:57Bill Maher?

  Oh, cuz, yeah, wow.

• 4:59Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 5:00Bill Maher?

  Did you always, uh?

• 5:01Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 5:01Bill Maher?

  Tea total?

• 5:02Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 5:03Bill Maher?

  You've always been such a straight arrow. I mean, how'd you get to be a billionaire? That's just like, everybody is impressed with a billionaire. It's just a number that, that means so much to a society that is, let's be honest, very materialistic and, you know, I'm a capitalist.

• 5:21Speaker 04

  That's okay.

• 5:22Bill Maher?

  I know you are too.

• 5:23Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

• 5:24Bill Maher?

  You don't want all your fortune confiscated?

• 5:27Speaker 04

  No, of course not.

• 5:28Bill Maher?

  And we, look, we give a lot already.

• 5:31Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 5:32Bill Maher?

  And we're happy to.

• 5:33Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 5:33Bill Maher?

  If it goes to stuff we approve of.

• 5:37Speaker 04

  That's right, that's right. Yeah, you know what, for me, uh, I've never, it, I'll just say this. Your health is your wealth.

• 5:47Bill Maher?

  I say as I pour poison into a glass. Exactly what I've always said, where's my joint?

• 5:55Bill Maher?

  Oh, there, between my legs.

• 5:58Speaker 04

  See, look at that, you can't even keep track of where it is.

• 6:00Bill Maher?

  By my crotch, where I know I'll keep an eye on it.

• 6:02Speaker 04

  You'll keep an eye on that. So, yeah, you know, that is your, that's your wealth, man, you're like, just, if you can be healthy and really maintain your mental health, your physical health, it doesn't matter, you can, you can have a fortune, you can lose a fortune, you can do it ten times, you'll always rebuild it if you have your mental health and your physical health. And love, just have love in your life and have balance.

• 6:27Bill Maher?

  Uh, I've lived without love.

• 6:29Speaker 04

  Yeah, but I mean, you are a loved person.

• 6:32Bill Maher?

  Yeah.

• 6:34Bill Maher?

  I am swimming in love now, but like.

• 6:37Speaker 04

  But are there, there's.

• 6:38Bill Maher?

  There were times, I mean.

• 6:39Speaker 04

  But you love, there's something you love, people you love, animals you love.

• 6:43Bill Maher?

  Yeah, but I'm just saying, like, when I was in college, there were years where there was not a lot of love. I like, I didn't even have friends, let alone, I gave up on girlfriend, I think sophomore year. And then, yeah, it was brutal.

• 6:56Speaker 04

  And friends?

• 6:57Bill Maher?

  Cornell was, no, like, like, it was very hard. I, the first year they put you in the dorm four, which was temporary housing, this is Cornell.

• 7:07Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 7:07Bill Maher?

  Um, after World War Two, that was still up in the seventies. So, you know, I just didn't get along with the kid, the kids, you know. They were like first time away from home and they were just, I thought, very immature. And of course, stupidly, I said something, so then I was ostracized, so I, you know, no. And then after freshman year, either you go to a frat.

• 7:32Speaker 04

  Right.

• 7:32Bill Maher?

  Which I didn't want to join, I'm not the frat type.

• 7:34Speaker 04

  I did not.

• 7:35Bill Maher?

  That was, yeah. So, then you have to get an apartment in Ithaca, New York, in these slums. And they're slums because they, you know, it's like deliverance up there. I know it's New York State, but I'm telling you, it's like.

• 7:50Speaker 04

  Middle of nowhere.

• 7:51Bill Maher?

  Well, it's, you would think it was a town in the rural south a little, you know, like townies have been there a long time and, you know.

• 7:58Speaker 04

  Where'd you grow up?

• 7:58Bill Maher?

  Almost like Appalachia.

• 8:00Speaker 04

  Is that where you grew up?

• 8:01Bill Maher?

  No, no. Yes, I grew up in Butcher Holler. I just learned to talk this way. No, I grew up in New Jersey. Where'd you grow, you grew up out here, right?

• 8:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, well, I left Detroit when I was seven.

• 8:12Bill Maher?

  Detroit.

• 8:13Speaker 04

  So I was the first seven years in Detroit.

• 8:15Bill Maher?

  When you say you left at seven, meaning you'd already made your first million.

• 8:20Bill Maher?

  Cause you always have been a little ahead, you know, you were the first guy on The Tonight Show at a young age, you know, you had a. I remember nineteen eighty was real, real people, seventy nine. Okay, so I'm still in New York.

• 8:33Speaker 04

  So, yeah, okay.

• 8:34Bill Maher?

  That was my first year.

• 8:35Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 8:36Bill Maher?

  I, I left Cornell in seventy eight.

• 8:39Speaker 04

  I'm sixty-five. How old are you?

• 8:41Bill Maher?

  Seventy.

• 8:42Speaker 04

  Okay, alright.

• 8:44Bill Maher?

  Yeah.

• 8:44Speaker 04

  So that was your first year, because I finished high school in seventy-nine. And that was my first year at USC.

• 8:50Bill Maher?

  But you were doing things I wanted to do. You were younger.

• 8:56Speaker 04

  Well, that's because I grew up here and not, and not New Jersey.

• 8:58Bill Maher?

  Well, no. Actually, the comedy clubs are in New York. It was very convenient for me that I was across the river from Catch a Rising Star, the improv, the comic strip, later on, the Comedy Cellar.

• 9:13Speaker 04

  Right. Danger Fields, was he in?

• 9:15Bill Maher?

  Danger Fields, but that was not done, that was not a showcase club.

• 9:18Speaker 04

  Right.

• 9:19Bill Maher?

  You were a headliner.

• 9:20Speaker 04

  Yeah, but you can get some stage time there, right?

• 9:22Bill Maher?

  I never, I don't remember ever going up at Danger Fields. I remember once going there with a bunch of young comics and to see Jay Leno, who was headlining, which we thought was like, wow.

• 9:33Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:33Bill Maher?

  Though, we were very impressed, and I remember he talked to us with, he had a pipe at the time.

• 9:38Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's when I was pipe days. I forgot all about that.

• 9:42Bill Maher?

  You remember the pipe?

• 9:43Speaker 04

  I forgot all, wow, you're going way back.

• 9:46Bill Maher?

  Uncle Jay dispensing wisdom to the young comics. When you set up the junk like that, you know, you're gonna, only gonna have to crack.

• 9:55Speaker 04

  Wow, I love that. How'd you do your first time on stage?

• 10:00Bill Maher?

  Well, the first time on stage was in high school.

• 10:02Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 10:03Bill Maher?

  I mean.

• 10:03Speaker 04

  Talent show?

• 10:04Bill Maher?

  Yeah.

• 10:06Bill Maher?

  Which was then cancelled.

• 10:08Speaker 04

  After you went off?

• 10:09Bill Maher?

  Because of my performance.

• 10:10Speaker 04

  Are you serious?

• 10:11Bill Maher?

  Not because I was bad. I just stole my jokes from The Tonight Show. And it was a very risque

• 10:16Speaker 04

  Oh, wow.

• 10:17Bill Maher?

  show at eleven-thirty, inappropriate for, like, I would, I introduced one, uh, a sixteen-year-old girl. She does the Dance of the Virgins, which she performs from memory. This doesn't go over well with the father.

• 10:31Speaker 04

  Are you serious?

• 10:32Bill Maher?

  Yeah, that's what I did. That was my material.

• 10:35Speaker 04

  That's like, who cares? Like, why would someone be offended by that?

• 10:38Bill Maher?

  Because I'm calling their daughter a whore.

• 10:40Speaker 04

  Oh, okay, alright. Well, that might hurt someone's feelings.

• 10:43Bill Maher?

  It's just, you just don't, this is high school.

• 10:45Speaker 04

  And it was on The Tonight Show? I mean, you stole this from The Tonight Show.

• 10:49Bill Maher?

  Yes, I was seventeen, in love with The Tonight Show and Johnny Carson.

• 10:54Speaker 04

  He wasn't.

• 10:55Bill Maher?

  And it was risque adult humor at eleven thirty at night.

• 10:58Speaker 04

  Wow. I never thought of Johnny as doing anything risque, ever.

• 11:03Bill Maher?

  Oh, he...

• 11:04Speaker 04

  Double entendres, when the, when the pretty women would come on.

• 11:07Bill Maher?

  For the era. It was very risque. I remember as kids, we, I, before I even knew who he was, there was this sort of kid kind of story that goes around, you know, there's always something and one of them was that this guy Johnny Carson had on, uh, Jack Nicholas's wife. The golfer.

• 11:28Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 11:29Bill Maher?

  And said, uh, "Do you do anything to give him luck before the match?" And she said, "Yeah, sometimes I kiss his balls," or... And Johnny said, "That must make his putter stand up." That's like kids were telling that. I didn't even know who he was.

• 11:46Speaker 04

  I remember that.

• 11:47Bill Maher?

  That's risque, my friend.

• 11:48Speaker 04

  Oh, that's risque. This is nineteen... Yeah, when he had the ladies on, he would do the double...

• 11:52Bill Maher?

  What's he wearing? This is nineteen seventy.

• 11:53Speaker 04

  Yeah, I love that.

• 11:55Bill Maher?

  Sixties, I mean, the, the, I said, "Sucks."

• 11:59Speaker 04

  Who, what's it, what was the one that, one of the women came on and said, "Would you like to pet my pussy?" She had a cat or something.

• 12:05Bill Maher?

  Exact same thing. The other, that's the other one. That's the companion story to that one about the putter.

• 12:10Speaker 04

  Well, you have to share that one.

• 12:11Bill Maher?

  I figured that way, exactly. I think it was Ja Ja Gabor, some piece of ass of the era and she said something about, I don't know, but yeah, that was it. It was like, "Something pet my pussy." I do, I remember it. I swear to God, Your Honor. That is exact, that was the other story.

• 12:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 12:28Bill Maher?

  Something, something pet my pussy.

• 12:30Speaker 04

  Yeah, and everybody was like, "The biggest laugh ever."

• 12:33Bill Maher?

  That may have been when I learned the word pussy.

• 12:37Speaker 04

  I think so, for me. I'm five years younger than you.

• 12:41Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 12:42Speaker 04

  I'm sure. Yeah, I remember when he did that and it was like, wow.

• 12:46Bill Maher?

  But I didn't even know who he was. This is before I watched the show. It was just, yeah, this was really young. This is, I mean, he went on in sixty-two. I was six. I wasn't watching it or interested. I was interested in Dirt and the Yankees.

• 13:00Bill Maher?

  But by the time I was twelve, you know, in nineteen sixty-eight, I was like, oh, I'm starting to like, wanna girl and wanna know what might a girl like in me and like, oh, Johnny Carson. He seems like girls like him and he's funny. I could be, you know, he's like, so he was somebody I idolized. And he was cool.

• 13:21Speaker 04

  Yeah, oh, so cool.

• 13:22Bill Maher?

  Yes.

• 13:23Speaker 04

  So cool.

• 13:24Bill Maher?

  So cool, he was cold. He could be cold as ice.

• 13:27Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 13:28Bill Maher?

  Were like freezing people out. Remember all those stories, the John Rivers and the?

• 13:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, oh, that was brutal. That was brutal.

• 13:36Bill Maher?

  I mean, if you crossed him.

• 13:37Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 13:38Bill Maher?

  It was mafia time.

• 13:40Speaker 04

  Yeah, he felt he was betrayed in that scenario, you know. He really built up a career and he felt he had been betrayed. You know, but he was something, he was, he was great to me. You know, I was so fortunate to know.

• 13:52Bill Maher?

  He was. Yeah, me too.

• 13:53Speaker 04

  You know, he was just.

• 13:54Bill Maher?

  He liked comics.

• 13:55Speaker 04

  He loved comics.

• 13:57Bill Maher?

  Yes, he's, of course, he's, he's like, he is one.

• 13:59Speaker 04

  He's a comic.

• 14:00Bill Maher?

  It's like a director who's an actor, you know, he got us.

• 14:03Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 14:03Bill Maher?

  I mean, and when we fucked up even, I fucked up there and, and, you know.

• 14:08Speaker 04

  Did you?

• 14:08Bill Maher?

  Yeah, well, yes.

• 14:11Speaker 04

  How?

• 14:15Bill Maher?

  I did it, like, the producer of the show was Freddie Decordova.

• 14:19Speaker 04

  And Peter Lassalle.

• 14:20Bill Maher?

  Was the associate, but Freddie Decord was the main guy and he was an old school Hollywood, you know, very well-coiffed Beverly Hills, shopped at that store Carol's.

• 14:32Speaker 04

  Yeah. You have a great memory. You have a great memory.

• 14:37Bill Maher?

  There are Bernie bros. There are people like that, Joe.

• 14:40Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 14:40Bill Maher?

  Ready to.

• 14:41Speaker 04

  Impeccable.

• 14:41Bill Maher?

  Yes.

• 14:42Speaker 04

  Impeccable.

• 14:42Bill Maher?

  Well, just like, it's kind of very old school. I'm sure very expensive and, uh, you know, so, but he was a director. He directed Reagan in Bedtime for Bonzo.

• 14:52Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 14:53Bill Maher?

  And maybe a few others. And so we thought Reagan was his best friend. So it just, and Reagan, there was an assassination attempt. And then I guess the, they cut like two minutes out of a six minute thing. So they.

• 15:05Speaker 04

  Yours?

• 15:06Bill Maher?

  Yes. So they got very mad at me.

• 15:07Speaker 04

  Really?

• 15:08Bill Maher?

  And I, I think the only one who could have saved my ass at that point was Johnny himself.

• 15:13Speaker 04

  Right.

• 15:13Bill Maher?

  I think it had to go up to, I think it, you know, when he's, he's young, he's stupid, but so was I at 27. He's funny, funny young man. Give him another chance.

• 15:25Speaker 04

  Did you get on after that?

• 15:26Bill Maher?

  Yeah.

• 15:26Speaker 04

  There it is.

• 15:27Bill Maher?

  No, I'm saying.

• 15:28Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 15:28Bill Maher?

  I, I, but, you know, I did see my life flash before my eyes.

• 15:31Speaker 04

  Yeah, look at that.

• 15:32Bill Maher?

  You know, I mean, we've all seen the roadkill of show business.

• 15:36Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 15:36Bill Maher?

  You know, of some talented people and they just got greedy with sort of how big I am before I am.

• 15:45Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 15:46Bill Maher?

  Shit, which is always stupid. Or they just, you know, you just piss off the wrong person.

• 15:53Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 15:54Bill Maher?

  Sometimes you didn't mean it or, the town ain't rooting for you.

• 15:58Speaker 04

  That's true.

• 15:59Bill Maher?

  They're rooting for themselves.

• 16:01Speaker 04

  That's right. You're right. You're absolutely right. Yeah, you know, I was really fortunate, you know, in so many respects. Uh, you know, my mother got pregnant with me when she was 16 and she had me 17 days after her 17th birthday.

• 16:15Bill Maher?

  Wow.

• 16:16Speaker 04

  And, uh, my mother's brilliant and beautiful and I was born in Detroit, Michigan, April of 61. And they assassinated Martin Luther King in, uh, April of 68.

• 16:26Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 16:27Speaker 04

  And Detroit got lit up like a Christmas tree.

• 16:30Bill Maher?

  I remember the riots.

• 16:31Speaker 04

  And I remember being a kid in the streets and I was just playing baseball in the middle of the street and using neighbors' cars as first base and home plate. And my mother and my grandmother start screaming and howling like I've never heard before, like a.

• 16:49Speaker 04

  Such pain. And it was like, they killed him, they killed him, they killed Martin Luther King. And I'll never forget it. And literally, not less than a minute, I was looking down the barrel of a tank. And the military had immediately taken over the neighborhood. And the troops were walking, you know, down the street with the bayonets and the dogs and my mother and grandmother screaming, get in the house before they shoot you. And you get in the house and you just watch the place on fire like you have, you're, I'm seven years old. I didn't even know what was going on.

• 17:23Bill Maher?

  Did you, was having this troops come a relief or?

• 17:27Speaker 04

  Oh, it was scary. We, we felt like-

• 17:29Bill Maher?

  You would rather they not?

• 17:30Speaker 04

  Oh, we felt the troops were there to kill us, to shoot us, to contain because they knew the riots were breaking out, so they felt like we were the-

• 17:38Bill Maher?

  But you could be a victim of the riots also.

• 17:39Speaker 04

  Exactly. But they felt like, okay, you're the, you're, you're-

• 17:42Bill Maher?

  But you'd rather die in the riot than from the, from the troops?

• 17:46Speaker 04

  Exa-

• 17:46Bill Maher?

  I'm just asking, I don't know.

• 17:47Speaker 04

  No, no, I didn't want to die at all, but-

• 17:48Bill Maher?

  I know, but-

• 17:49Speaker 04

  Right. Their point was, what they said was, get back in the house, here's the curve for you, do not come outside until we tell you, and especially-

• 17:57Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 17:58Speaker 04

  Don't come out after dark, we will shoot you.

• 18:00Bill Maher?

  That, that choice to me is one that should not be political, but every, everybody makes everything political. I don't think it's a political decision at all. It's like, okay, there's two scary things going on here. The riot-

• 18:12Speaker 04

  They're burning and the troops.

• 18:14Bill Maher?

  With these people and then the troops, I don't like, I don't like either one of these.

• 18:18Speaker 04

  It was bad.

• 18:18Bill Maher?

  But which one?

• 18:19Speaker 04

  It was bad.

• 18:20Bill Maher?

  I, I, I wouldn't know either.

• 18:21Speaker 04

  It, you know, I, I believe over fifty people were shot and killed by the police and by the troops. It was just a horrible, horrible thing. And so my mom said, let's go to LA and visit some relatives.

• 18:32Bill Maher?

  Oh.

• 18:33Speaker 04

  We came out to LA in summer of sixty-eight, and it was supposed to be a two-week vacation. And my mom said to me one day, do you want to go back to Detroit? And I said, no. And she didn't ask me why, I just said, no. And the reason I said no is I had gone to the movie theaters, movie theater that afternoon. And there was a, there was a advertising, a, a trailer for a movie, a Disney movie, and they said, coming to this theater. I wanted to see that movie. I didn't think it was going to be in Detroit.

• 19:08Speaker 04

  I think I stayed in LA because I wanted to see 101 Dalmatians, whatever that summer movie was, I'm not even sure.

• 19:16Bill Maher?

  That's what it says on the poster out here. LA, come because your city is rioting, stay because the movie is-

• 19:25Speaker 04

  It's only here. The movie is only here. So, we end up staying. It was a lot of lean years, sleeping on floors and sofas and, you know, friends and neighbors letting us sleep in spirit. She's a young girl with a baby.

• 19:39Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 19:40Speaker 04

  She's twenty-three, four, twenty-four years old at this point. But, she ended up getting into UCLA and she ended up getting her masters-

• 19:48Bill Maher?

  So she was going to school while she was working?

• 19:50Speaker 04

  Yes, exactly. She ended up going to UCLA and getting her masters degree in cinema TV production. And, uh, she, after she got her masters degree and she, she used to take me to class with her, which I was, I remember vividly. She took me to a class that was taught by Peter Guber. And I, I remember sitting there, listening to him talk about making movies and so forth and so on.

• 20:14Bill Maher?

  Big producer?

• 20:15Speaker 04

  Big producer.

• 20:16Bill Maher?

  His partner was John Peters.

• 20:18Speaker 04

  And he ended up running Warner Brothers and Sony, just one of the, Batman, one of the biggest out there. And so, when she got her masters degree, and you'll love this, when she got her masters degree, she went looking for jobs. And she couldn't get one, a lot of doors slammed in her face. And she went to NBC one day, asked for a job, and they said, "We don't have one." And she said, "Do you have an intern program where I can work here for free to show you my passion for this business?" And they said, "No, we do not." And she asked a question that changed our lives forever. She said, "Will you please start one with me?"

• 20:54Bill Maher?

  Oh.

• 20:55Speaker 04

  And they said, "Yes." And that question changed our lives forever. And she could not afford childcare. And so I-

• 21:04Bill Maher?

  True, most people would just stop there.

• 21:06Speaker 04

  Would just stop-

• 21:06Bill Maher?

  She went the, yeah.

• 21:08Speaker 04

  That extra-

• 21:09Bill Maher?

  And that is the difference between humans, why, you know, I mean, you can complain about meritocracy, but some people just get the answer right and some don't.

• 21:19Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 21:19Bill Maher?

  Some people think a little one step past where most people stop, some don't. Some go down in the mine and come out with the gold.

• 21:27Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 21:27Bill Maher?

  Some just get dusty.

• 21:29Speaker 04

  That's right. That's exactly right. She, she, she went the extra mile.

• 21:32Bill Maher?

  She must be extraordinarily proud where you got, because like, wow.

• 21:36Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 21:36Bill Maher?

  I mean, that really exceeds-

• 21:37Speaker 04

  We work together to this day.

• 21:39Bill Maher?

  Oh, you do?

• 21:39Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, absolutely. I'm blessed.

• 21:41Bill Maher?

  What is she, what do you mean, work together?

• 21:42Speaker 04

  She's one of, she's one of my producing partners.

• 21:45Bill Maher?

  Oh, I see.

• 21:45Speaker 04

  She's exec producer on everything that I have on, and will always be. And so she could not afford-

• 21:50Bill Maher?

  That's a unique business. You don't see that in a lot of boardrooms, where the guy and his mom-

• 21:57Speaker 04

  That's right. You don't see that. You just make your own rules.

• 22:00Bill Maher?

  And you never fight about it?

• 22:02Speaker 04

  Well, we have our debates, but we don't fight.

• 22:04Bill Maher?

  But does she pull rank because she's your mother on a business decision? That's the key question.

• 22:09Speaker 04

  No.

• 22:09Bill Maher?

  Answer it!

• 22:09Speaker 04

  No. No, she doesn't. No, she-

• 22:11Bill Maher?

  She doesn't?

• 22:12Speaker 04

  She has faith in me. She will say, I don't-

• 22:14Bill Maher?

  But if she disagrees, she's not gonna pull rank. She's not gonna be like, I'm, this is-

• 22:18Speaker 04

  No. I'm, I'm not, well, I would, mom, it's like, I'm 65 at this point. Mom, you know, this is why I lay it out, and she goes, I get, and she'll say-

• 22:26Bill Maher?

  If I was her, that's what I would do. I'd be like, you know, I'm just gonna say this one thing. That last month that you were inside of me, it just was a lot, you know? I mean, at that point, the baby is very heavy, gas, I was, I was just shitting my pants. I mean, I was eating like a pig. I felt awful. Uh, but-

• 22:45Speaker 04

  And this is the answer you're giving.

• 22:46Bill Maher?

  But you do what you want with, with the BET Network.

• 22:50Speaker 04

  You do what you want.

• 22:52Bill Maher?

  I just, I just cannot help but picture that scenario.

• 22:55Speaker 04

  She, she hasn't played that card, but I'm sure she will one day. But, you know, when she, when I couldn't, when she couldn't afford childcare, she would take me to work with her. So I would go to work, I would go out to MBC after school, and on the weekends, and during the summer. And so that is when I met Johnny Carson. I was 14 years old. And I met him, and I thought, wow, this is the greatest guy ever. And I'm sitting there waiting for my mom to get off work. And I would go across the hall and I would watch Red Fox tape. Sanford and Son.

• 23:27Bill Maher?

  Oh, right.

• 23:28Speaker 04

  And I watch. Yeah, and I watched Freddie Prince tape Cheek on the Man.

• 23:31Bill Maher?

  Oh, I can picture that hall.

• 23:32Speaker 04

  Yeah, and I would go down the hall and I would watch, you know, Flip Wilson do the Flip Wilson Show.

• 23:37Bill Maher?

  Wow.

• 23:37Speaker 04

  And I'm watching Bob Hope do his specials.

• 23:40Bill Maher?

  Oh.

• 23:40Speaker 04

  And, and, and, and then Johnny Carson would tape his show from five thirty like clockwork.

• 23:45Bill Maher?

  Yeah, I know.

• 23:46Speaker 04

  Like clockwork.

• 23:47Bill Maher?

  Did it thirty times.

• 23:48Speaker 04

  Right, exactly. And so I would, I would sit there in this park, in the parking lot, and I was a kid. And I would wait for Johnny to pull in, and I, you could set a watch. Two o'clock, he would, his car would turn onto the lot, at two o'clock, like clockwork.

• 24:04Bill Maher?

  Yeah.

• 24:05Speaker 04

  He would pull into his parking space, space number one. Get out of the, get out of his car, whatever it is, at the time, a white Corvette. And he would get out of his car with a brown paper bag lunch.

• 24:17Bill Maher?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 24:18Speaker 04

  Right? He had his, it looked like he had a bologna or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

• 24:22Bill Maher?

  From Nebraska.

• 24:23Speaker 04

  Right, he's from Nebraska. And he would float into the studio. And he would go upstairs, work on his monologue, come downstairs shortly before five thirty. And I watched him, just religiously, and I watched him, he'd come downstairs. Few minutes before five thirty, right behind the corner, dun, dun, dun, hit the monologue, hit the mark, do the monologue. And I loved how he, he didn't let a cue card boy hold his cue cards. He would take his, his cue cards, and he would put them on a board. And the board would go the length of the studio, so no one ever flipped the cards for him.

• 24:59Bill Maher?

  Really?

• 25:00Speaker 04

  Yeah, they never flipped. Oh, it was unbelievable. So what he would do is that way he could stand there and he could edit the jokes. Right? Joke one's great, joke two.

• 25:10Bill Maher?

  I know the feeling with it, with the teleprompter. I mean, on my show, by the time I put it in the teleprompter after working on it a week, it is exactly what I want. But there have been times when a teleprompter, you know, you, you just, the, the prompter guy can't, he's not a, he's not a psychic.

• 25:28Speaker 04

  He's not your head.

• 25:29Bill Maher?

  He doesn't know if I, you know, I would, geez, I'd love to skip that next sentence, but I can't.

• 25:33Speaker 04

  Bingo.

• 25:34Bill Maher?

  Until I read it, you're not gonna move the.

• 25:36Speaker 04

  You're not gonna move the top. So Johnny created this system where he put him on a board that ran the length of the studio. And if you watch his monologue, and I know you've watched it a billion times, he will veer to the left because you read left to right.

• 25:51Bill Maher?

  I never noticed that. That's so interesting.

• 25:52Speaker 04

  He would veer to the left at the beginning of the monologue. And by the end of the monologue, he was veering to the right.

• 25:59Bill Maher?

  I gotta watch.

• 26:00Speaker 04

  Now you'll watch that and you'll see he was just reading left to right. And his body was gradually turned and he's editing the jokes as he's doing it. And it was brilliant. You may even find photos where you see the cue card in the studio and it's on the board and it's going from left to right. So I would watch him and he would be done clockwork at 6:30. He'd go upstairs, get off his makeup, whatever it was. And he would walk down to his car about 6:45. And Freddie de Cordova and Peter LaSalle would walk with him. And he would give his feedback, you know, I don't like the material that Bill Maher did.

• 26:38Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 26:40Speaker 04

  What was that kid thinking? And give him another shot.

• 26:44Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 26:44Speaker 04

  And then he was off the lot by 7 o'clock.

• 26:47Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 26:47Speaker 04

  And this studio that had hundreds and hundreds of people in there, crew, audience, completely empty by 7:05. And I used to go and sit behind his desk.

• 26:59Bill Maher?

  Come on.

• 26:59Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 27:00Bill Maher?

  They let you?

• 27:01Speaker 04

  No one was in the studio. It was just me and a janitor. And the janitor would be cleaning up, polishing the floors for the next night. And they knew me because I'm hanging out during the day.

• 27:12Bill Maher?

  Is that what you wanted to do, that job?

• 27:14Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah. I wanted to, not the janitor job, but yeah.

• 27:19Speaker 04

  I wanted to do the Johnny job.

• 27:20Bill Maher?

  You wanted to do the Johnny job.

• 27:21Speaker 04

  And I sat there and I would just, and I would read his, I would stand on this.

• 27:26Bill Maher?

  And now you have that time slot.

• 27:27Speaker 04

  And I have that time and I sat, I would stand.

• 27:29Bill Maher?

  That's an interesting full circle.

• 27:31Speaker 04

  And that's something, and I would stand on his time here, on his, on that star.

• 27:34Bill Maher?

  Tell people what I'm talking about.

• 27:36Speaker 04

  Oh, I'm gonna, I'll tell them we have some time.

• 27:38Bill Maher?

  No, but, no, but I mean, you have that time slot now.

• 27:41Speaker 04

  Yeah, I have that time.

• 27:41Bill Maher?

  On CBS.

• 27:43Speaker 04

  I've been chasing it for 51 years, since I.

• 27:45Bill Maher?

  51 years you've been chasing it.

• 27:47Speaker 04

  I've been chasing it for over half a.

• 27:49Bill Maher?

  You could never predict it, how it.

• 27:50Speaker 04

  How it would happen.

• 27:52Bill Maher?

  You know what I've been learning about healthy eating? It's rarely a discipline problem. It's a timing problem because. At 6:30 at night, after a long day, you're standing in front of the refrigerator, looking at the ingredients for a healthy meal, thinking, "Yeah, sure, or I could just eat something terrible in the next four minutes." That is the battle, and that's what Factor is here to change. Factor basically removes all the excuses. The meals are already prepared, designed by dieticians, crafted by chefs, and delivered right to your door. You heat them up in two minutes and move on with your life. What's impressive is the variety. More than 100 rotating meals every week

• 28:37Bill Maher?

  and enough options that you don't feel like you're trapped in some endless cycle of chicken and chicken. The ingredients are actually great: lean proteins, vegetables, healthy fats, whole foods. No artificial colors, no high-fructose corn syrup, none of the stuff that sounds like it was invented during a laboratory accident. So if you're trying to eat better this season, Factor makes it easy. Head to factormeals.com/random50off and use code random50off to get 50% off and free daily greens per box with new subscription only, while supplies last until September 27, 2026.

• 29:21Bill Maher?

  See website for more details.

• 29:25Speaker 05

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• 29:53Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 29:54Speaker 04

  I've been chasing, when I saw Johnny, and, and, and, and I saw him in summer of seventy-five, and I was like, oh no, this is what I'm gonna do. I was fourteen years old, and I just loved everything about him, and I just loved how, and he was so smart, the way he managed that show. And he was off the lot, and I would just go, and I would sit there, and I would stand on his mark, and I read his monologue, and I would just always read it, read it, read it, read it, perform it. And I just thought, he was just the greatest. And I, and then I started doing, and I went and did, you know, Gladys Knight and the Pips had a summer show, and they, and I knocked on the, they had a comedian on, this is summer of seventy-five,

• 30:38Speaker 04

  and they had a comedian on, and I went on, knocked on his door, and I said, sir, sorry to bother you, I wanna learn how to be a comedian, what should I do? And he said, you should go to the Comedy Store. And I thought, oh, okay, maybe I need to go there and buy jokes. I didn't know, it's the Comedy Store, you go buy gigs, you go buy, you go slip and fall, you, you buy a, I don't know, what are you doing?

• 31:01Bill Maher?

  That's hysterical. Hey, it's called a store.

• 31:02Speaker 04

  It's called a store, right? And I said, okay, thank you, sir, the Comedy Store, I'm gonna go to the Comedy Store, and I'm thinking-

• 31:08Bill Maher?

  I mean, magic shops, you literally go and buy your act.

• 31:11Speaker 04

  You go buy your act in a magic-

• 31:12Bill Maher?

  That's why comics hate fucking magicians.

• 31:14Speaker 04

  Hello. So you go, and I'm thinking to myself, okay, I'll go to this Comedy Store and go buy some material, whatever. And so, and I said, by the way, sir, what's the name of that show you're gonna do again in the fall? He said, Welcome Back, Cotter, and it was Gabe Kaplan.

• 31:28Bill Maher?

  Gabe Kaplan.

• 31:28Speaker 04

  Right? So he had just done the Gladys Knight and the Pips summer show, and he was doing his routine about his high school, and then that's a big sitcom, it was gonna be a sitcom that fall. So I called the Comedy Store, and this is summer of seventy-five, Bill, you'll love this. I call him up, and I say, so, uh, this is the Comedy Store, yeah, I'm just curious, how much do you sell jokes for? Like, what is a joke?

• 31:53Speaker 04

  And I'm like, okay, and you have like, like prop comedy, there's a guy. And the guy, thank God, he was the nicest guy. Because he could have easily blown me off. He says to me, he goes, no, no, no, he goes, the Comedy Store is a comedy club. It is not a supermarket where you buy jokes. And I go, oh. He goes.

• 32:16Bill Maher?

  A place where you steal jokes.

• 32:18Speaker 04

  It's where you steal jokes. And he said, I said, well, I would like to be a comedian, sir. And he says, okay, then you want to come to Monday night tryout night, potluck night. And I said, oh, yeah, that's what I want to do. I want to come try out. He says, okay, the doors open at seven. And we get a lot of people who want to be a comedian. So they start showing up. So do yourself a favor, get here early. I said, no problem, sir, I'll be there early. I'm fourteen. I take the bus to the Comedy Store and I get there at nine in the morning. I'm the first one there.

• 32:55Speaker 04

  I'm trying to make, I'm like, I think I'm in the right spot.

• 32:57Bill Maher?

  Funny, because I was gonna ask you, like, how does, you know, we all started as comics. How does this one become this mogul? This billionaire mogul who owns this and this and, you know, is buying this and gonna buy this. And I see now what it is. I mean, it's this. It's like asking the extra question, it's showing up at nine in the morning. It's just, it's, you know, just, some people just have that sort of, no. It doesn't ever enter their head that they're not going to succeed or get where they're going.

• 33:32Speaker 04

  That's true.

• 33:33Bill Maher?

  Well, that's not me.

• 33:36Bill Maher?

  Every step of the way, I'm like, oh, fuck. Is this it? Or, you know, I mean, I don't have that.

• 33:44Speaker 04

  Really?

• 33:44Bill Maher?

  Yeah.

• 33:45Speaker 04

  I'm surprised to hear that.

• 33:46Bill Maher?

  I mean, at this, at seventy, it's different because now I've done everything I ever wanted to do. So now I'm playing with the house money.

• 33:53Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 33:54Bill Maher?

  Yeah, I mean, if it all ends tomorrow, well, you know, it was a good ride. People are basically retired at this point anyway. But I don't want to retire and nobody who was my fan wants me to. And then stuff and things fine. I don't feel any fucking different really, or. Quite frankly, act different. That may be a good or bad thing than when I was forty. You know, I'm not married, I don't have kids. I still drink and smoke pot and blah, blah, blah. You know, it's like when my life changes, maybe the show or my career will change. But until it does.

• 34:27Speaker 04

  Enjoy your life.

• 34:28Bill Maher?

  I mean, yeah, and it's just those. Most surprising thing I learned about getting to seventy is how much everyone else lied about it. Or presented a picture of it that did not turn out to be true. I thought I'd be using a walker.

• 34:48Speaker 04

  Oh, wow.

• 34:49Bill Maher?

  You know, just the way people are.

• 34:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:51Bill Maher?

  I mean, I used to play basketball in the driveway. You know, the peach tree basket on the tree with my father. And he was like fifty and he'd throw up.

• 35:03Bill Maher?

  Everything hurt and you know, people back then, they didn't work out. They didn't stretch. They wouldn't. My father never stretched a day in his life. I don't think, it just wasn't.

• 35:12Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 35:13Bill Maher?

  You know, he was in the army. He was in World War Two. We don't stretch. We're, we're made of different material. I don't know.

• 35:21Speaker 04

  No, you have many, many, many years to go, my friend.

• 35:23Bill Maher?

  Well, you don't know that.

• 35:25Speaker 04

  Well, we certainly hope so.

• 35:26Bill Maher?

  We hope.

• 35:27Speaker 04

  Yeah, and you're, you're living the life you want to live, which is so key. But I remember, I remember that going there, that Comedy Store, and the doors finally, and I just sat there on the curb and I'm just writing jokes. And the doors finally opened and Mitzi Shore, God bless her so, she was signing people in. Mitzi, and I remember walking out.

• 35:47Bill Maher?

  Oh, Mitzi, of course.

• 35:48Speaker 04

  And I remember walking and she was looking down. She never looked up and she was looking down. What's your name? What's your name? And I said Byron. And she looked up, she goes, how old are you? I said, I'm fourteen, ma'am. She says, you are not old enough to be in this club. You have to leave immediately. I'm gonna lose my liquor license.

• 36:07Bill Maher?

  Oh, wow.

• 36:07Speaker 04

  And I said, oh, wow, I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm sorry, I didn't even think about that, right? And so I turn around, I start to leave. I get almost all the way to the door and she goes, wait, wait, wait. She goes, come back. She goes. I'm gonna give you a drink ticket. And then she says, don't you dare buy any alcohol with it, use it for alcohol. I said, no problem, ma'am. I don't drink alcohol. To this day, I still don't drink alcohol.

• 36:32Bill Maher?

  Sure you don't.

• 36:33Speaker 04

  And so she, she.

• 36:35Bill Maher?

  A goofus and ga- goofus and gallant over here.

• 36:42Bill Maher?

  It's true.

• 36:43Speaker 04

  It's true. And then, and she goes, you, you, you, you stand in the parking lot, I'll, I'll have someone come get you when I'm ready. And I think she put me up second or third, and they only had like four people.

• 36:53Bill Maher?

  So she was willing to risk her liquor life?

• 36:55Speaker 04

  She said, I'm, I'm not at risk if you are not in the club. If you're performing in the club, that's fine.

• 37:01Bill Maher?

  Oh.

• 37:01Speaker 04

  Right? So you have to be in the parking lot. So I just stand in the parking lot.

• 37:05Bill Maher?

  What a clever out.

• 37:06Speaker 04

  A clever out. So I'm stand, thank God she thought of it in that moment. Thank you, Mitzi. And she said, you know.

• 37:11Bill Maher?

  What was your material like at fourteen?

• 37:13Speaker 04

  I had written a spec script for Sanford and Son, Red Fox.

• 37:18Bill Maher?

  At fourteen?

• 37:19Speaker 04

  At fourteen. And a guy named David Panage, who was a writer on the show, read the script. And he said, how old are you? That's an important thing. He goes, I can't believe you wrote this script. He goes, this is amazing. He said, you must keep writing. And he said, you, he said, kid, you have it. He was a writer for Laugh-In and for, uh, Sa- Sanford and Son. So I, I submitted the script. They turned it down. And, and I took the jokes that I had in the script. And I went and did an impression of Red Fox, Sanford and Son onstage. Two hundred chairs and four people. And I got a couple of chuckles in my five minutes. And Mitzi said, you can come back.

• 38:01Bill Maher?

  Wow.

• 38:02Speaker 04

  And this guy came up to me, Wayne Klein. And Wayne Klein comes up to me, goes, who wrote those jokes? I said, I did, sir. And he said, they were funny. And I said, thank you very much. He goes, can I get your phone number? I know somebody that may wanna write with you. I said, sure. So I give him my phone number, and a week or two later, I get a call. And this guy goes, can I speak to Byron? I go, this is Byron. He goes, this is Jimmy J.J. Walker. Kid dynamite.

• 38:32Bill Maher?

  Of course.

• 38:33Speaker 04

  Summer of seventy-five, he's the number one hottest comic on the planet. Good times.

• 38:37Bill Maher?

  Good times.

• 38:38Speaker 04

  Yep, he's hotter than hot. He says, my man Wayne Klein says you're funny. And if my man Wayne Klein says you're funny, then you must be funny. He goes, I'm sitting in a writers' meeting right now. Would you like to come and write with me and my boys? And I said, let me ask my mom. And so he goes, oh, my God, Wayne. He has to ask his mom, and he's sitting in his home, in his apartment. And I hear all these guys moaning and groaning, and one of them in the background says, tell his mother not to worry. We will have cookies and milk for him. And Jimmy goes, Dave, be nice. You're gonna scare the kid, just be nice.

• 39:20Speaker 04

  And I'm thinking to myself, who is this Joker Dave, right? So my mom says, OK, you can go. And she takes me over there and drops me off. I walk into Jimmy's apartment the following week, because he says he has writers' meetings every Tuesday and Thursday at seven thirty. So I walk in, and sitting in his apartment, Jimmie Walker, Jay Leno, sleeping in his car, David Letterman, that was Dave, who had just come out from Indianapolis in a red pickup truck.

• 39:50Bill Maher?

  Yeah, that's that era.

• 39:51Speaker 04

  Yep, and Marty Kline, I'm sorry, Marty Nattler, who went on to write and produce Laverne and Shirley and Happy Days, Wayne Klein, Jeff Stein, who went on to do Mr. Belvedere. These guys, I got twenty-five bucks a joke. Jay Leno and David Letterman got paid two hundred a week. Dave had just driven out from Indianapolis, and he was in his orange or red pickup truck. He didn't think he was gonna make it. So he wanted to be, he wanted to be able to get back in his car and drive home back to Indianapolis. He actually said, I think I screwed up. I had this unbelievable gig as the weatherman in Indianapolis. And I blew it. I quit this job.

• 40:35Speaker 04

  And now I'm sitting here and like, and I remember one day picking David Letterman up to go write jokes together. And he lived in basically like a closet across the street from the Comedy Store. The bed, he opened the door, he could barely open the door because the bed was blocking it. The bed took up the entire room and all he had was this little like.

• 41:00Bill Maher?

  I had the exact same situation when I first moved in. I was, I was in the maid's room of a, of an apartment and the bed came out of the wall.

• 41:10Speaker 04

  Right.

• 41:11Bill Maher?

  And when the bed was down.

• 41:12Speaker 04

  Couldn't open the door.

• 41:13Bill Maher?

  You could open the door, but you, you, you had to be very skinny to get to the, it was a closet.

• 41:19Speaker 04

  It was a closet.

• 41:20Bill Maher?

  It was a closet with a bed in the wall.

• 41:22Speaker 04

  That's right. And that, and then, you know, on the dresser, he had a hot plate and like tons of Campbell's soup cans. And, and, and I'm like, this is a fire trap because he had newspapers all over the bed. So I'm like, oh, let's get out, let's go write. And these guys were getting 200 a week. I got 25 bucks a joke. I was thrilled. Because up until that point, I, you know, my only job at that point was a, I was, I delivered newspapers. I was a paper boy. And I had to.

• 41:50Bill Maher?

  So much better than being a nepo baby. I, I, I, I see so much in the media and TV and nepo babies are just, first of all, there's more of them than ever. And they kind of have a nepo pride, you know, it's one thing to be like, okay, you know, and then they're like, yeah, nepo. You know, they're, they're like not ashamed. They shouldn't be ashamed, but be, you could be responsible for the idea that, you know, yes, things are a little easier for you, but they will never have what, what we have with these kind of memories. They just, you just don't. And if you don't, you're never going to like it as much as we like what we have. You're just not.

• 42:30Speaker 04

  Yeah, the journey is amazing.

• 42:31Bill Maher?

  The, the shitty part, which at the time was so shitty, if you said to me that, you know, could, would you like to skip this part? You won't have the memory of it later in life. I'd be like, oh, fine, let's just skip it. I don't need the memory. But having had it, I love the memory. I love the memory. It makes everything sweeter.

• 42:53Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 42:54Bill Maher?

  In the present.

• 42:55Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 42:56Bill Maher?

  It just.

• 42:57Speaker 04

  And you look back on that and you go, wow, and everything you live, you can bring it forward. It's you can, it will play a part in of your life. You will use it. You will put it to use. I enjoy it. I mean, when I was a paper boy, I was getting half a penny of paper. Los Angeles Herald Examiner, out of business. I had to throw two newspapers to make a penny. I had to throw two.

• 43:21Bill Maher?

  Come on.

• 43:21Speaker 04

  It's true.

• 43:23Bill Maher?

  This is like a.

• 43:24Speaker 04

  True. I had to throw 200 newspapers to make a dollar.

• 43:28Bill Maher?

  This is like the fees for like after, you know, what was it after the Civil War?

• 43:34Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 43:34Bill Maher?

  When blacks were technically free, but they were, what do they call them?

• 43:38Speaker 04

  indentured servants, yeah.

• 43:39Bill Maher?

  Well, stuff, something, I can't remember the, but the agricultural version of that.

• 43:43Speaker 04

  Exactly.

• 43:44Bill Maher?

  And it was like, you know.

• 43:45Speaker 04

  We got paid nothing.

• 43:45Bill Maher?

  A penny for a pound of cotton.

• 43:47Speaker 04

  Yeah, exactly.

• 43:48Bill Maher?

  Just some.

• 43:48Speaker 04

  Half a penny for a newspaper delivery. And by the way, you had to get it right on the lady's porch. Or you would get, they would call your supervisor. So when I got that, that check for 25 bucks, I, I didn't know what that. I need, I went to my mom and I said, Jimmy gave me a check one day after the writers meeting. And he said, here's, you know, 25 for the joke. It was in an envelope. And I opened it up. I go, what is this? He goes, that's for the joke you sold me. And I go, oh, and I didn't say anything. I went home and I said, she goes, how did the writers meeting go? I said, it went well. I pitched a number of jokes that they like. And, and I said, he gave me this. And I go, what is this? She said, it's a check. I go, what am I supposed to do with this?

• 44:32Speaker 04

  She said, you're gonna go to the bank and you're gonna cash it. I'm 14. You're gonna cash it.

• 44:37Bill Maher?

  No, I can't.

• 44:38Speaker 04

  And they're gonna give you $25. And I said, well, that's okay. I'm not gonna cash it. And she goes, why not? I said, because this check says I can make it in this business. And I can't believe somebody would give me 25 bucks for something I would do for free.

• 44:53Bill Maher?

  What a dick. I would have cashed it. Jesus Christ. Who the fuck are you? That is a ridiculous fucking story I've ever heard. I hope that's not true. Well, I hope that's a bullshit story.

• 45:07Speaker 04

  I ended up cashing the check.

• 45:09Bill Maher?

  Exactly. See, I'm always right. It's a burden, but it's true. What am I gonna do?

• 45:15Speaker 04

  My mother said, you need the money, cash the check. So I go, she said, cash the check. And asked Jimmy to get the check back, cause it's gonna come to him in, you know, in a couple of months.

• 45:25Bill Maher?

  Jimmy?

• 45:26Speaker 04

  Jimmie Walker.

• 45:27Bill Maher?

  Oh, Jimmie Walker.

• 45:28Speaker 04

  That's who gave me the, yeah. So I, I cashed the check.

• 45:31Bill Maher?

  Dynamite.

• 45:32Speaker 04

  Dynamite. I get the 25 bucks and Jimmy, I said to him, cash, I said, you know, hey, when you, when you get the check back, can I, can I, you know, get it back? It'd be great. I like to frame it. And he said, sure. And he was kinda like, I wasn't, I thought maybe he was half listening. Sure enough, month or two later, he hands me the check. And I framed it. And, uh, and I had him on my show recently. And I said, you know, I don't know if you remember this, but this is a joke you gave me probably almost 50 years ago. And I hang it in my office because every day, uh, this reminds me, I'm doing what I love. And this was the moment I knew I could, I can make it in this business when you paid me 25 bucks.

• 46:14Speaker 04

  That was to be a writer and then one night, I was at the improv and Bud Freeman comes up to me. And, uh, he says, what are you doing New Year's Eve? And I'm like, well, I'm, you know, 17, I'm, I'm gonna be at home. He goes, would you like to perform? And I said, sure, it'd be great. So I performed. And then a couple of months later, he walked up and he handed me a check. And I looked at it, it was 25 bucks. I go, what is this for? Now, this is when comedians, they didn't pay us. The Comedy Store and the Improv.

• 46:41Bill Maher?

  I remember the whole strike.

• 46:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, they didn't pay us. And so I said, what is this for? He goes, I pay comedians to perform New Year's Eve. Now, I had performed there for three or four years for free. And I was prepared to work for free for many, many years. And he handed me that check. And those are the two checks I keep hanging on my wall. One for writing for 25 and one for performing. And both, uh, you know, both of them wrote a nice note, Bud Freeman. And Jimmie Walker. So that was that was a good turning point for me. But I remember Jay and Dave and, you know, really good friends and Jimmy was trying to convince us all, except for Jimmy, except for Jay Leno. He was like, you guys don't want to be comedians, be be writers. And for a minute, David Letterman really kind of focused on that writing part of his life.

• 47:27Bill Maher?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know,

• 47:32Bill Maher?

  but what's unique, what's what's interesting to me is that like you're playing this, the, you know, the game on this level that most people I talk, I mean, actually me, I do talk to people who play this game on this level, but they're not usually comedians, you know, where you're like, oh, you know, you're bidding on Paramount.

• 47:53Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 47:54Bill Maher?

  You know, or what are you bidding on now? Snapchat? You know, they very big, you know, this very, it's a it's a poker game I'm not in and I don't even want to be in. It'd be scary to, I think, I think too much money is a little scary.

• 48:10Speaker 04

  Right.

• 48:10Bill Maher?

  I do.

• 48:10Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 48:11Bill Maher?

  And I have, I'm a man of simple means.

• 48:14Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 48:14Bill Maher?

  I am. One house, one car, one plane. Simple.

• 48:20Speaker 04

  I like that. One plane.

• 48:23Speaker 04

  I love that.

• 48:24Bill Maher?

  None of that is even true. Except one car.

• 48:27Speaker 04

  One car, one house, or two houses.

• 48:29Bill Maher?

  I've never been a car guy. Are you?

• 48:31Speaker 04

  No.

• 48:32Bill Maher?

  No?

• 48:32Speaker 04

  No, which is odd.

• 48:33Bill Maher?

  What do you drive?

• 48:34Speaker 04

  I have a Mercedes SUV and my wife has the same one. And then, and we have a family assistant that has one and it's to get the cars around. We have the same one. I just am not a car guy. It's really odd because my dad worked at Ford Motor Company and and my granddaddy worked at Great Lakes Steel. My entire neighborhood put on a uniform and went to an automotive factory or some someone who made parts for the automotive.

• 49:00Bill Maher?

  Now, people either do or don't. I mean, like Leno and Seinfeld. You know, and, you know, Tim Allen, I think, I mean,

• 49:09Speaker 04

  They love cars. They're car guys.

• 49:10Bill Maher?

  People are car guys. I mean, it's a

• 49:13Speaker 04

  And they have great collections.

• 49:15Bill Maher?

  You know, it's not, it's not gay, but it's gay for cars.

• 49:22Speaker 04

  Very impressive. You look at their car collections, it's, and I love it. You know, everybody has their passion. You know, their passion is.

• 49:31Bill Maher?

  You think everybody?

• 49:32Speaker 04

  I think most people have some type of passion they like to collect or listen to or do.

• 49:38Bill Maher?

  Uh, I think a lot nowadays, I think a lot of people's passion is just to get to someplace.

• 49:44Speaker 04

  Right.

• 49:44Bill Maher?

  Like without sort of like doing what you have to do to get there.

• 49:49Speaker 04

  Right.

• 49:49Bill Maher?

  They just wanna be a Kardashian. You know, they're kind of like the heroes of the, this era in our life.

• 49:58Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 49:59Bill Maher?

  They became royalty from, you know.

• 50:02Speaker 04

  Social media.

• 50:03Bill Maher?

  Yeah, I mean, literally a blowjob tape.

• 50:07Speaker 04

  Social media. And it's, and it's just transports throughout the world quickly.

• 50:11Bill Maher?

  And I always say when people ask me about them, the nicest people in the world, the only.

• 50:15Speaker 04

  The Kardashians.

• 50:16Bill Maher?

  Yes.

• 50:16Speaker 04

  Oh, I love them. I think they're great.

• 50:18Bill Maher?

  The only issue they would ever have is the origin story. The origin story is a little suspect. It would be like if Spider-Man became Spider-Man because he blew a spider.

• 50:31Speaker 04

  You know what? I knew their dad. So, you know, his dad, cause I went to USC. And his dad was a big, you know, dad was a big USC, and he was the nicest guy. And he was just a good guy. And I like Chris. I think Chris has done an amazing.

• 50:43Bill Maher?

  Yeah, she was here. I liked her.

• 50:45Speaker 04

  Yeah, well, she's, she's, she has done an amazing job. And when you look at what has been, which, what's been built.

• 50:51Bill Maher?

  It's a fortress that, that family, it's like CIA, CAA. You know, it's like, it's like a, a machine, a, a, a shark-like machine that just runs and, you know, one show goes down and another comes up and that's like, I think, it is a never-ending money-making juggernaut.

• 51:11Speaker 04

  It's, it's, she's done a magnificent job. I think, I think Harvard.

• 51:15Bill Maher?

  I think they could slow down now a little. They've made their, I mean, they're billionaires too.

• 51:20Speaker 04

  I think, I think, I, I think Harvard should teach a business class on what they built. Branding.

• 51:26Bill Maher?

  What do you think of the the crowd that you hang with? I mean, I don't, I'm not saying necessarily like deliberately like, oh, I'm sure you have your people who you like. Let's have dinner. But, you know, just the thing I see you out, I see you with sometimes at the Laker. You're you're always at the Laker, you have floor seats.

• 51:44Speaker 04

  Well, I don't own them permanently, but I, yes.

• 51:46Bill Maher?

  Yeah.

• 51:46Speaker 04

  But who do you see me with when you see me at the Laker game?

• 51:49Bill Maher?

  I don't know. Who are you with?

• 51:50Speaker 04

  My wife and my kids.

• 51:51Bill Maher?

  Yeah, well, I'm not suggesting you're hanging out with Nick Fuentes. I'm just saying, I'm just saying.

• 52:00Speaker 04

  I'm always with my wife and kids.

• 52:02Bill Maher?

  Okay, but I'm saying just the crowd, like the, you know, we're fortunate enough that we hang out with the very fancy people.

• 52:10Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 52:10Bill Maher?

  Say.

• 52:11Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 52:11Bill Maher?

  Of Los Angeles, which is, you know, like it or not, I'm sure New York would argue, but kind of the cultural capital. I mean, we make the entertainment and everybody lives out here. And I mean, New York is New York. It's awesome and, you know, the greatest city in the world. And please don't fuck with me on this. If you love it, you love it. I live there. I have roots. I love it. I don't want to live there, but I love it, you know, but I love LA. I do. And I know you do too.

• 52:38Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah. Because I left Detroit when I was seven and I've been here since sixty eight. I can't imagine living anyplace else.

• 52:45Bill Maher?

  I can't either. And so many people come to the same conclusion, and a lot of it is just the climate. It's it's it's it's such a big thing that people pretend, or there are people, Woody Allen was here, somebody else was here recently saying the same thing. I can't remember who, that they like gray days. There are people who like gray days.

• 53:04Speaker 04

  God bless them.

• 53:05Bill Maher?

  God bless them, but it's a weird thing. It is. It's as weird as a lot of other psychological things people could have. Because we are solar creatures and the sun is so basic. I mean. It's like wake up, you know, first of all, you should get sun right when you wake up in your eye. That's that's science.

• 53:22Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 53:23Bill Maher?

  Just very healthy.

• 53:24Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 53:24Bill Maher?

  And.

• 53:26Speaker 04

  Yeah, I love it here. I love the climate. I love.

• 53:31Bill Maher?

  I like the suburbs. I never liked living in a, you know, urban setting in a building. I don't want to live in a building.

• 53:38Speaker 04

  I agree.

• 53:40Bill Maher?

  Right?

• 53:41Speaker 04

  I agree.

• 53:42Bill Maher?

  And anyway, again, it's, it's, I'm not saying you're weirdos or anything like that. I'm just saying, there's something about not wanting, being okay with people right on the other side of a wall. And I'm not saying, even in a nice building.

• 53:58Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 53:58Bill Maher?

  I'm just aware.

• 53:59Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 54:00Bill Maher?

  That I'm sitting here and right over there, there's another guy who I don't know or want to, and this, this thing between us, but.

• 54:08Speaker 04

  And you hear them quite often.

• 54:10Bill Maher?

  And in a cheap place you do.

• 54:12Speaker 04

  Yeah, even in nice places.

• 54:14Bill Maher?

  Even in nice places?

• 54:15Speaker 04

  Even in nice.

• 54:16Bill Maher?

  You think?

• 54:16Speaker 04

  Oh, I know.

• 54:19Speaker 04

  I know, I, I had a very nice condo in one of the most expensive buildings in New York, and I heard the neighbors. They must have been loud.

• 54:28Bill Maher?

  Isn't that right?

• 54:29Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 54:30Bill Maher?

  Doing what, fucking or fighting?

• 54:31Speaker 04

  Uh, they were, uh, the, the former, yeah.

• 54:34Bill Maher?

  You heard them fucking?

• 54:35Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, absolutely.

• 54:36Bill Maher?

  That can be kinda hot.

• 54:39Speaker 04

  Rich people having sex, yeah. I should have, I should have made that a podcast.

• 54:43Bill Maher?

  I mean, did you, did you know who it was?

• 54:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, they're your neighbors, you see them in the hallway.

• 54:46Bill Maher?

  Oh, so you could picture them doing it?

• 54:48Speaker 04

  Well, I didn't do that, but you could.

• 54:50Bill Maher?

  Oh, come on, you heard them and didn't picture them? You expect me to believe that?

• 54:54Speaker 04

  When I said, no, I would, I'd actually picture, I thought.

• 54:56Bill Maher?

  Were they attractive?

• 54:58Speaker 04

  Fairly.

• 54:59Bill Maher?

  Fairly?

• 55:00Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:00Bill Maher?

  Well, that isn't a ringing endorsement to like getting a boner. I said fairly. What's wrong with you?

• 55:13Speaker 04

  Oh, we're talking to our penis now, okay.

• 55:18Bill Maher?

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• 55:59Bill Maher?

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• 57:46Speaker 04

  So yeah, I mean, you know, I I am not a big fan of, you know, I will say this, New Yorkers, I don't want to speak for all New Yorkers, but they definitely started to agree with us when Covid hit. And man, did they run out of those.

• 57:58Bill Maher?

  Agree about what?

• 57:59Speaker 04

  Agreed about not wanting to be in buildings with other people.

• 58:02Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 58:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, they they ran to Aspen.

• 58:05Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 58:06Speaker 04

  They ran.

• 58:06Bill Maher?

  The Hamptons.

• 58:07Speaker 04

  The Hampton, any place they could get space.

• 58:09Bill Maher?

  Oh, I, you know, that's one of my big bugaboos about Covid, and the people who attacked me about Covid, is that the bullshit of every time I turned on the TV, it was some version of, we're all in it together. No, we're not, you fucking assholes, you, you fucking posers. Half of us are getting food delivered by the other half. And you're the half that's sitting home in your pajamas.

• 58:34Speaker 04

  Ah, that's.

• 58:36Bill Maher?

  And talking about how much we're all in it together. No, you're going out to the Hamptons. You got.

• 58:42Speaker 04

  You're going to a yacht.

• 58:43Bill Maher?

  Yes, I know you're, I know you're, I know you're putting out Instagram.

• 58:49Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 58:49Bill Maher?

  Political messages about it, and that's awesome.

• 58:52Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 58:52Bill Maher?

  But basically, you're the one who's insulated from, if we're really all in it together, I got an idea. How about we take turns about who's working for Grubhub?

• 59:01Speaker 04

  Ah.

• 59:02Bill Maher?

  You know, if we're really all in it together, maybe that should be something that has to get passed around. So some of us are delivering some of the time, instead of some of us delivering all of the time, and some of us in our pajamas all the time.

• 59:13Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah. You know, I have something I want to share with you about Johnny that you, I think you'll appreciate. Because I know how much you love him. You know, when I went to go, I had a once a week, one hour show called The Byron Allen Show.

• 59:25Bill Maher?

  Yeah, I know.

• 59:26Speaker 04

  And it was once a week, and and it was on Saturdays, eleven thirty, blah, blah, blah.

• 59:30Bill Maher?

  What year are we talking now?

• 59:32Speaker 04

  Eighty eight, eighty nine, about eighty eight, eighty nine.

• 59:34Bill Maher?

  So, so Real People's eighty?

• 59:36Speaker 04

  Eight, Real People's seventy nine to eighty four, and then, and this was eighty nine or so, around, late, late eighties.

• 59:43Bill Maher?

  Did you keep up with Skip Stevenson?

• 59:45Speaker 04

  I loved Skip. Unfortunately, he passed away.

• 59:47Bill Maher?

  He did.

• 59:48Speaker 04

  He had a heart attack. He was great. He was so, he was just a really good guy. He was a comedian. He just loved comedy, loved, remembered every joke he ever heard. That was the thing that blew me away.

• 59:59Bill Maher?

  But just his look and his name.

• 1:00:01Speaker 04

  It's Skip.

• 1:00:01Bill Maher?

  He would have to literally be named White Guy.

• 1:00:07Speaker 04

  I've never thought about that. That's hilarious.

• 1:00:10Bill Maher?

  Really?

• 1:00:11Speaker 04

  Skip Stevenson. Yeah, that's hilarious.

• 1:00:12Bill Maher?

  With the look and the hair and the blonde.

• 1:00:15Speaker 04

  From Nebraska.

• 1:00:16Bill Maher?

  Sweater and the Skip Stevenson.

• 1:00:19Speaker 04

  He was great.

• 1:00:19Bill Maher?

  I was like, is this, I always thought like, okay, you were on there. This is 1980.

• 1:00:24Speaker 04

  1979, 84.

• 1:00:26Bill Maher?

  Things were very different racially in 1980.

• 1:00:28Speaker 04

  79, 84.

• 1:00:29Bill Maher?

  Were they saying like, okay, we've hired a black guy. We need to hire now. The whitest motherfucker that God ever put on this green earth.

• 1:00:43Bill Maher?

  Looking, cut to looking at pictures. No, Biff Wellington, no. Skip Stevenson, that's easy.

• 1:00:52Speaker 04

  You know, how to end that show, you know, I ended up, I called him, remember, you were a member, Jim McCauley.

• 1:00:58Bill Maher?

  Of course. He was the booker of comedians for The Tonight Show. So in our world, he was like the comedy god. He was, yes. If you were the kind of person who blew people, you'd want to blow him.

• 1:01:14Speaker 04

  He was.

• 1:01:14Bill Maher?

  Didn't cross my mind, but.

• 1:01:16Speaker 04

  Yeah, nor mine. But he, he, I called him up one day and I said, Mr. McCauley, you know, I would like to be on The Tonight Show one day.

• 1:01:26Speaker 04

  Well, didn't you call him?

• 1:01:27Bill Maher?

  Of course you did.

• 1:01:29Speaker 04

  You didn't call him?

• 1:01:29Bill Maher?

  No, no, no. It's just hysterical.

• 1:01:31Speaker 04

  So I called him up and I said, I'd like to be.

• 1:01:33Bill Maher?

  And you were what, eight?

• 1:01:34Speaker 04

  I was 17.

• 1:01:35Bill Maher?

  17.

• 1:01:36Speaker 04

  And I said, I'd like to be on the show one day and I just would love for you to take a look at my material and where I'm going with it. And just make sure you think I'm on a track where, you know, Mr. Carson would appreciate it. And he said, okay, when you're gonna be, where you're gonna be next? I said, I'll be at the improv tomorrow night. He says, I'll stop by. Okay. And I, you know, and the club, Wednesday night improv, 20 people there, whatever, you know, it's a Wednesday night at that point. And he shows up and I did my act and I said, and he, I said, thank you for coming, Mr. McCauley, I really appreciate it. Calls me a week later and he says, I want you to do the show. I went, whoa.

• 1:02:18Speaker 04

  I said, I'm sorry, sir. Really appreciate the offer, but I'm gonna pass. And my mom goes, what was that all about? And I said, Mom, I'm not, you know, trying to do The Tonight Show and one and done. This is a marathon, not a sprint. When I do the show, I hope that I'm gonna get offers. And when I get offers, I wanna be able to accept them. I'm in high school. I can't accept one offer.

• 1:02:44Bill Maher?

  This is what you said?

• 1:02:45Speaker 04

  This is what I said to my mother.

• 1:02:47Bill Maher?

  In the movie version, I feel like it's someone who's much older having to say this to you. I personally was not of this maturity level at seventeen. But you're gallant and I'm goofish.

• 1:02:58Speaker 04

  No, no, no, no.

• 1:02:59Bill Maher?

  I mean, it's a, you're, you're, you're centeredness at such a young age is, is really amazing.

• 1:03:08Speaker 04

  No, it's thank you. And my mom said, okay, I understand. So Johnny introduces me on The Tonight, and I, I turn eighteen. Yeah, I turn eighteen. It's about a week before I graduate from high school. And I'm like, okay, this is great. I know I'm gonna get out of high school. I'm gonna get into USC Film School. And I'm gonna be able to play comedy clubs in the summer, make money, pay my tuition, and I'm off my mom's payroll. And I'm no longer a financial burden to my mother. This is my A number one goal, right? So I, Johnny says, we offered Byron The Tonight Show, and he was seventeen. He turned it down because he had homework. That is how Johnny introduced me.

• 1:03:44Bill Maher?

  That's awesome.

• 1:03:44Speaker 04

  Right, so I go, and, and now I'm backstage, and I'm standing, you'll love this story. I'm backstage, I'm standing behind the cor, the, the curtain. And, and I'm joking with, with Jean Jean, the dancing machine, and Irv.

• 1:03:59Bill Maher?

  Joking, behind that curtain? I remember standing behind that curtain, what, the band's playing?

• 1:04:03Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:04:03Bill Maher?

  That, I'm, you were joking, I was shitting my pants.

• 1:04:06Speaker 04

  I was having fun, and, cuz I had grown up there. Now, remember, I had been on that.

• 1:04:10Bill Maher?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:04:11Speaker 04

  I had been on that studio lot for four years, since I was fourteen years old. It was really.

• 1:04:16Bill Maher?

  And you sat in the chair in episode two.

• 1:04:18Speaker 04

  And I sat in all the chair, I sat, like that.

• 1:04:20Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 1:04:21Speaker 04

  That studio was an extension of my bedroom. It was an extension of my, of my apartment. Because I'm waiting for my mom to get off work, so I'm at home. So, in that studio, and I'm having fun with Irv and Jean Jean. And they, they, and my back is to the curtains, and they stop kinda joking and smiling. They stop smiling and just kinda get serious, and they go, clear their throats, and like, signaling to turn around. And I turn around, and it's Johnny Carson.

• 1:04:49Speaker 04

  And he says, don't worry, kid, you're gonna be great.

• 1:04:52Bill Maher?

  Wow.

• 1:04:53Speaker 04

  And when he said that to me, I thought, wow, this is my hero. I can make shares laugh.

• 1:04:58Bill Maher?

  Master didn't do it to me.

• 1:05:01Speaker 04

  But he loved you. He loved you. He would not have let me get away with two minutes of that.

• 1:05:05Bill Maher?

  Because you were a child star. It was a novelty act that they were claiming credit for.

• 1:05:12Speaker 04

  I was eighteen, you know, I was a kid star.

• 1:05:14Bill Maher?

  I mean, it's a little of both. I mean, I'm sure they would have done it if they didn't think you could score. I mean, because they, one thing they didn't like at that show, failure.

• 1:05:23Speaker 04

  Oh, boy.

• 1:05:24Bill Maher?

  I mean, Johnny was a tough taskmaster.

• 1:05:26Speaker 04

  Let me tell you.

• 1:05:27Bill Maher?

  I mean, you know, first of all, we keep talking about him, and if people are younger, first of all, they may be bored, I'm too bad, we love him, and he was an important guy in show business, but it's important to know if you even are interested at a younger age, things were just so different, beginning with, people had a much longer attention span.

• 1:05:51Speaker 04

  Oh, yes.

• 1:05:51Bill Maher?

  This is pre-phones.

• 1:05:53Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:05:53Bill Maher?

  So conversations could breathe.

• 1:05:56Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:05:56Bill Maher?

  You know, things could happen at a much slower pace. I get it, things change, technology, brains, whatever, I'm not fighting it, even though I may lament it, I don't think it's better, but okay, but it just was different. Johnny could not survive today.

• 1:06:12Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:06:13Bill Maher?

  As himself.

• 1:06:14Speaker 04

  No, no, you're.

• 1:06:15Bill Maher?

  He was right for his era.

• 1:06:16Speaker 04

  Perfectly right for his era, and I remember McCauley would go over every word of your material, which is why I'm surprised you had that setback there.

• 1:06:27Bill Maher?

  I'm surprised too, but maybe I, you know.

• 1:06:29Speaker 04

  Did you deviate?

• 1:06:30Bill Maher?

  I did.

• 1:06:31Speaker 04

  Okay, that's what happened.

• 1:06:32Bill Maher?

  Well, I don't know.

• 1:06:34Speaker 04

  You deviated.

• 1:06:35Bill Maher?

  I probably.

• 1:06:35Speaker 04

  Yeah, you absolutely did.

• 1:06:37Bill Maher?

  I guess I did.

• 1:06:38Speaker 04

  Yeah, you did, and then now.

• 1:06:39Bill Maher?

  Yeah, it was my, it was my sixth one.

• 1:06:41Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:06:42Bill Maher?

  And I guess I thought after five, like, okay, now the king could take his court here at the Tonight Show and just riff on Reagan getting shot.

• 1:06:55Speaker 04

  Oh, boy. And so, and then here, and now Jim McCauley, poor guy, he's walking around in adult diapers, because you, because that could end his career, and he's like, because he would go over every word, every nuance.

• 1:07:08Bill Maher?

  No.

• 1:07:09Speaker 04

  That's why I'm surprised you got away with that.

• 1:07:10Bill Maher?

  It's such a perfect example of why. It's as bad as it is sometimes to be seventy, it's better than twenty seven. You're just so stupid, you do so many stupid things. The idea that anytime like after hopefully forty, I would have been so dumb as to do that joke in front of that producer.

• 1:07:29Speaker 04

  You would never do it.

• 1:07:29Bill Maher?

  You just never would do it. And I think there was a couple of times in those early years when I did something brash.

• 1:07:35Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:07:36Bill Maher?

  And kind of like, and I think therefore the grace of God because I do think there was a couple of times I could have been one of those roadkill people who were like, you know, this kid is just an asshole. But luckily they were like, you know, I think he'll grow out of that and he did.

• 1:07:54Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:07:54Bill Maher?

  And, and the talent is worth it.

• 1:07:57Speaker 04

  There it is.

• 1:07:57Bill Maher?

  And I owe HBO a lot for that.

• 1:08:00Speaker 04

  Bingo.

• 1:08:00Bill Maher?

  You know, they really, they're a network that really like, they believe in how good you could, can be. Not just how good you are.

• 1:08:08Speaker 04

  There you go.

• 1:08:08Bill Maher?

  And that's a, that's I would say a key to their success because that makes artists really want to work with you.

• 1:08:14Speaker 04

  Yeah, and your success, you needed the right platform where you could shine.

• 1:08:17Bill Maher?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:18Speaker 04

  Yeah. So, yeah, so that was it. And when you had me come out there and do the show, you know, I remember standing there, I remember standing behind the curtain and I said, in the next five minutes, I'm gonna go out here, I'm gonna make these people laugh and I'm gonna change my life and my mom's life for the, for the better forever. And they, when they opened that curtain, boom, hit the mark, did it. Now, fast forward, I go to, you'll love this, I go to do the Byron Allen Show and I go looking for a studio to take. And I said, let's go look at NBC. So we go to NBC and they show me every studio except Johnny's. And I said, you showed me, they go, which studio would you like to rent? I said, well, you showed me every studio except one.

• 1:09:03Speaker 04

  And they go, which one did we not show you? I said, you didn't show me Johnny's studio. And everybody started chuckling and kind of getting nervous and a little nervous laughter. I said, no, I said Johnny's studio is the best studio in town. I said, it was designed by Bob Hope. And I said it's a

• 1:09:19Bill Maher?

  Yes, with the

• 1:09:21Speaker 04

  Stadium seating.

• 1:09:22Bill Maher?

  State

• 1:09:23Speaker 04

  Right, the stadium seating.

• 1:09:24Bill Maher?

  Stadium seating.

• 1:09:25Speaker 04

  And I said, the problem with a lot of these television studios is that they put the audience in a pit. And we as comedians, we, we can't help, we can't help but play to the people.

• 1:09:36Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 1:09:36Speaker 04

  And so when we go out there on stage, it's a, it's, it's really tough because the camera's right there, but the people are below and we keep playing to the people. And we're closing our eyes to the camera because we're looking down at the audience in the pit. And Bob Hope designed a television studio that has stadium seating and it rakes up.

• 1:09:59Bill Maher?

  Otherwise a prick, but that really was a good thing he did.

• 1:10:04Bill Maher?

  No, he had, he had some funny, he was, he was, he had a moment, a long moment. My, my parents loved him in World War Two, didn't like him later in life.

• 1:10:11Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:10:12Bill Maher?

  Uh, but

• 1:10:13Speaker 04

  So I would, I would, so I said, that's the studio. It's the perfect studio, you hit the mark and your eyes are open. And you're playing to the camera and you're also able to play to the people because they're sitting right behind the camera. Best studio in town for a comedian. And I said, as a matter of fact, Bob Hope designed the studio and he gets to use it. And tape his monologue for his TV specials. Cause he's doing specials every, you know, four weeks, eight weeks, whatever it was. They would just bring up Johnny's curtains and they would bring down Bob Hope's curtains. And he would go and tape his monologue after Johnny finished his show at six thirty. And that would be his monologue for his special.

• 1:10:57Speaker 04

  I said, so here's the deal, I said, I've been watching Johnny personally since I was fourteen. He's back in his car and off the lot by seven o'clock and on his way to Malibu. At seven oh one, I want to strike his set. And I want to take his set out. And on Saturday, on Friday night, on Friday night. And I said, on Saturday, I want you to put my set in. On Sunday, I will tape two shows. And on Monday, you'll put his set back in. Cause he wasn't doing the show on Mondays at that point. He was Tuesday to Friday. And I said.

• 1:11:31Bill Maher?

  Wasn't there a guest host?

• 1:11:32Speaker 04

  No, this was, they were doing Best of Johnny's on Monday at this point.

• 1:11:35Bill Maher?

  A repeat on Monday.

• 1:11:37Speaker 04

  It was a repeat on Monday.

• 1:11:38Bill Maher?

  So unthinkable today.

• 1:11:39Speaker 04

  So unthinkable today.

• 1:11:40Bill Maher?

  I mean.

• 1:11:41Speaker 04

  Right, right, so I said, seven oh one, my crew comes in, strike his set. Saturday, my set's in, Sunday, I knock out two shows. Monday, you put them back in. And then he tapes Tuesday through Friday. They said, he'll never do it. I said, just do me a favor. Just one favor. Ask him. And, and tell him the request is coming from me. Just say my name to him. He has watched me and he has, cause I've always made it a point to stand in the parking lot since the time I was fourteen and say, hello, Mr. Carson. Hey, Mr. Carson, I saw your joke the other night that was very funny. And over the years, I got him to know my name. And then he put me on The Tonight Show.

• 1:12:26Speaker 04

  I said, just mention my name. So they go to him and they say, they want to strike your set, da, da, da, da. He's like, you're out of your mind. Don't touch my set. Don't even think about it. And they said, oh, by the way, the request became from Byron Allen, it came from Byron Allen. He said, oh. He goes, let the kid strike my set.

• 1:12:47Bill Maher?

  You're a ridiculous person. I'm telling you, you're just a ridiculous person. And if this isn't a Lifetime movie, then my name isn't Johnny Asshole. I mean.

• 1:12:57Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:12:57Bill Maher?

  Come on, man.

• 1:12:58Speaker 04

  You'll love this.

• 1:12:59Bill Maher?

  Come on, man.

• 1:12:59Speaker 04

  You, look, Bill, you will love this.

• 1:13:01Bill Maher?

  But just, just in this one, how long have we been here? An hour? This is one hour. It's like, like we've got a whole inspirational, I mean.

• 1:13:10Speaker 04

  No.

• 1:13:10Bill Maher?

  Really, every story is like, I know you don't need the money, but you should either be an inspirational speaker or like make this into a movie because this is, you know, every story is like.

• 1:13:23Bill Maher?

  It's inspirational.

• 1:13:24Speaker 04

  Well, you'll love this story because you love Johnny and I love talking to somebody like you. So, this is the why, this was, by the way, this was the cra- it wasn't the craziest thing to ask. It was the cra- the craziest thing is how much money I spent to strike his set every other week and put my set in. That is not how you make television. Please believe me when I tell you that, folks. So, we, he, they say, okay, what parking spot do you want? Don't you dare ask for parking spot one. That's Johnny. They said, as a matter of fact, we gave you parking spot two, next to Johnny. I said, absolutely not. I do not want parking spot number two. I would like to have parking spot number three.

• 1:14:05Speaker 04

  And they said, three? I go, yeah. I said, Johnny has a white Corvette. At the time, I had a black car. I said, I'm not going to get out of my car and nick his, his white Corvette. I'm not getting my black paint on Johnny's white Corvette. I said, I was having one.

• 1:14:22Bill Maher?

  You were, you were always one chess move ahead of the rest of us.

• 1:14:26Speaker 04

  No, no, no.

• 1:14:27Bill Maher?

  Byron, it's true.

• 1:14:28Speaker 04

  You'll love this. So I said, I was having lunch, I told myself, I was having lunch with David Horowitz. You'll remember David Horowitz. He had a-

• 1:14:35Bill Maher?

  There's several David Horowitz.

• 1:14:36Speaker 04

  He was on, on CNBC Fight Back with David Horowitz. He had a consumer advocate segment on CNBC.

• 1:14:43Bill Maher?

  Consumer Advocate.

• 1:14:44Speaker 04

  David Horowitz. And so, if you rip somebody off, David Horowitz would show up with a camera. And David was great. He was amazing, right? And we were having lunch in the commissary one day and he was complaining about how they put his parking space in Siberia on the lot. Like, they had him way over, away from the studio.

• 1:15:05Bill Maher?

  Why?

• 1:15:05Speaker 04

  For whatever reason, because he was local television and all the national shows were taking up the parking spot over by The Tonight Show. I said, do me a favor. I said, give David Horowitz parking space number two. Do me, do me that, and I'll take three, right? And my producer will go over here, whatever. They said, okay. David pulls in, Byron, oh my God, you're the best. I said, listen, David, you have a gold Mercedes. I said, do me a favor. I said, I'm gonna scooch over to the right and I'm gonna encroach on Doc Severnson.

• 1:15:35Speaker 04

  He's spot number four. I said, and I want you to scoot over so you don't nick Johnny's car. Don't get your gold paint on Johnny's white Corvette. He goes, oh, this is a good thing. Now, so I get the parking space. Now, the reason I did this, and you'll love this. I was able to have these three, four, five minute conversations with Johnny in the parking lot.

• 1:15:58Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 1:15:58Speaker 04

  And so I was able to say to Johnny.

• 1:16:00Bill Maher?

  Clever.

• 1:16:00Speaker 04

  And I would say, Johnny, Mr. Carson, I say, I saw your monologue. This is great. And I'd say, sir, did you get a chance to watch my show on Saturday night? Cause he didn't go out. He goes, yeah, I did. I go, do you have any notes, sir? That you can give me? And those notes changed my mind, changed my life and helped my mind really.

• 1:16:21Bill Maher?

  Like what?

• 1:16:21Speaker 04

  He said to me in the nicest way. He says, Byron, he goes, I want you to remember something. He said, I'm not really doing a talk show. He says, I'm doing a comedy show. He said, the first half hour is comedy.

• 1:16:40Bill Maher?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:40Speaker 04

  He says, I do a monologue, eight to 10 minutes, and then I do a sketch. And then I'll have on, you know, a celebrity like halfway through.

• 1:16:48Bill Maher?

  Not a sketch, but a desk piece.

• 1:16:49Speaker 04

  Whatever it was.

• 1:16:50Bill Maher?

  Sometimes a sketch.

• 1:16:51Speaker 04

  A comedy piece or yeah.

• 1:16:52Bill Maher?

  But yeah, but yeah.

• 1:16:53Speaker 04

  Yeah, comedy piece. So he'd monologue and then a comedy bit, right?

• 1:16:57Bill Maher?

  With Ed.

• 1:16:57Speaker 04

  With Ed, right? Or whatever it was, right? And then he says, I'll have on celebrity number one, celebrity number two, good night. And he said, you know, and I don't jump in on the celebrity unless they're bombing. He says, pull back, let them shine. And your job is to step in when they're not shining.

• 1:17:14Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 1:17:15Speaker 04

  And he says, just pull back. But he goes, I'm doing a comedy show. And that's when I thought, you know what? I'm not going to do the talk show. I'll just do a comedy show. And I'll just have comedians come on. I don't need to talk to celebrities and talk about a book or a movie or TV show. That came out of that conversation.

• 1:17:30Bill Maher?

  That's interesting.

• 1:17:31Speaker 04

  With Johnny in the parking lot. Just, and also I remembered. When I would go to Cantor's Cantor's Deli, or across the street from the Improv, the Mustache Cafe, or whatever it was, the comedians, when we all sat around in a restaurant, everybody was funnier when we were together in that restaurant than on stage. Everybody was a little timid. They weren't themselves, like they were, you know, but when they came, comedians, when comedians around other comedians, they know, look, a comic knows when they walk into a room, they can be the funniest person if they want to be. But when they're around other comedians, it's a different sharpness. It's just a different focus. And I said, I like when comedians are together. When we talk, it's a certain camaraderie that's different.

• 1:18:16Bill Maher?

  I've never gotten into that, who's the funniest? It's such a silly, subjective thing.

• 1:18:20Speaker 04

  Not trying to be the funniest.

• 1:18:21Bill Maher?

  In what way?

• 1:18:22Speaker 04

  Exactly.

• 1:18:23Bill Maher?

  You know, there are certain ways I am, and there are certain ways Adam Sandler is, and you are, and you know, it's like, it's just silly.

• 1:18:29Speaker 04

  You're right.

• 1:18:30Bill Maher?

  You know, I mean, there are people who, Martin Short, Dana Carvey.

• 1:18:35Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:18:35Bill Maher?

  Who just are like these, these laugh machines. They're just, they're certainly on a, a level that's, uh, energy-wise.

• 1:18:44Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:18:45Bill Maher?

  Different than me.

• 1:18:46Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:18:46Bill Maher?

  Doesn't mean if, even if I wasn't me, and I was just an audience, I'd be like, I love them, and I love him too. It's just different. Sometimes, it's like, sometimes you want to hear an upbeat song, and sometimes you want to hear, you know, me and Mrs. Jones. We got a thing going on, and we both know it's wrong. Uh, let's put that on the table. We both know it's wrong. But it's much too strong.

• 1:19:10Speaker 04

  I love it. It's much too strong. I love it.

• 1:19:13Bill Maher?

  You remember that one?

• 1:19:14Speaker 04

  Oh my God, I remember that. Oh my God, that's great. That's so funny. So, yeah, I thought you'd appreciate that, you know, but that, having that time, and just learning from him was...

• 1:19:24Bill Maher?

  What, what is this, what is this Snapchat thing? I read this, I, I see you...

• 1:19:28Speaker 04

  Not Snapchat, I bought BuzzFeed. I bought, BuzzFeed's a publicly traded company, and I ended up making an investment in it, and I, you know,

• 1:19:35Bill Maher?

  BuzzFeed.

• 1:19:36Speaker 04

  BuzzFeed, and HuffPost, and Tasty.

• 1:19:39Bill Maher?

  I think all these places have been horrible to me.

• 1:19:41Speaker 04

  Have they really?

• 1:19:42Bill Maher?

  Oh, I certainly know Huffington Post has.

• 1:19:45Speaker 04

  Really?

• 1:19:45Bill Maher?

  Oh, once Arianna left, and it became like the most woke.

• 1:19:49Speaker 04

  Yeah?

• 1:19:49Bill Maher?

  Ridiculous, oh my God, I'm like...

• 1:19:51Speaker 04

  What'd they say about you? I don't even know.

• 1:19:53Bill Maher?

  Do you own it?

• 1:19:54Speaker 04

  Yeah, now I own it. I just, I control fifty, it's publicly traded. I control fifty-two percent.

• 1:19:59Bill Maher?

  Someone's fucked now.

• 1:20:02Speaker 04

  Have another drink, Bill.

• 1:20:03Bill Maher?

  Oh, I'm gonna have a, I'm gonna have a tall one for that. Are you kidding?

• 1:20:07Speaker 04

  So, Bill, we, we've only known each other since, what, nineteen eighty-three?

• 1:20:11Bill Maher?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:12Speaker 04

  So, I've owned it, I think, all of two weeks, three weeks.

• 1:20:15Bill Maher?

  Well, let's give it another week. Before we, uh, have, I don't wanna call it a witch hunt. Uh, well, frankly, that's what I hope it will be, but, no. Uh, they just have, they're, I mean, they were like peak woke.

• 1:20:29Speaker 04

  Yeah?

• 1:20:30Bill Maher?

  And...

• 1:20:31Speaker 04

  And they came down on you pretty hard?

• 1:20:32Bill Maher?

  Oh, for years!

• 1:20:33Speaker 04

  Which one? This is Huff Post?

• 1:20:35Bill Maher?

  Yes!

• 1:20:35Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:20:36Bill Maher?

  Like, that's what I hate about the left, the purity. And that's what Huff Post, I'm like, I'm worse than like Republicans, cuz I'm not pure with their, and a lot of what they believe, of course, is silly, insane, revolutionary garbage from people who don't know facts, or history, or perspective. But, it's okay. I don't have grudges against, I don't even read it.

• 1:21:00Speaker 04

  There you go.

• 1:21:00Bill Maher?

  But it is, and what was the other one? BuzzFeed?

• 1:21:03Speaker 04

  BuzzFeed.

• 1:21:04Bill Maher?

  But all these places are a bunch of snarky, fucking, millennial, probably nepo babies. I mean, I just know how these kids who have these jobs were, how much they were indoctrinated before they got there. And they are not America. So, I don't know, you, you don't read your own publications?

• 1:21:23Speaker 04

  Like I said, I'm there two or three weeks. At the end of the day, I do read it. And what I find is that, you know, there's that spectrum. You know, I learned very early on, a guy taught me, he was just a really good guy, I met him when I was nineteen years old, his name was Al Messini. And he created Entertainment Tonight and Lifestyles, Origin, Famous and Solid Gold. I met him at a television convention, and he became like a second father to me, and he just said... Don't get caught up. He said, you know.

• 1:21:49Bill Maher?

  Johnny, this guy, you're just like, you're fucking.

• 1:21:54Speaker 04

  You gotta go introduce yourself.

• 1:21:55Bill Maher?

  Unbelievable.

• 1:21:57Speaker 04

  Just introduce yourself, Bill.

• 1:21:58Bill Maher?

  I'm just gonna say.

• 1:21:59Speaker 04

  You just go.

• 1:22:00Bill Maher?

  What about the Pope? You ever meet him?

• 1:22:01Speaker 04

  No, but I have gone to the Vatican.

• 1:22:03Bill Maher?

  Really?

• 1:22:04Speaker 04

  And I went to Catholic school.

• 1:22:05Bill Maher?

  You did?

• 1:22:06Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:22:06Bill Maher?

  I was raised Catholic.

• 1:22:08Speaker 04

  Is that right? I was raised Catholic.

• 1:22:09Bill Maher?

  I went to catechism, which is Catholic training.

• 1:22:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:22:12Bill Maher?

  We had it on Sunday.

• 1:22:13Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:22:14Bill Maher?

  Before church.

• 1:22:15Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:22:15Bill Maher?

  My mother stayed home. She was not Catholic. I didn't know what she was until I was older. Jewish, it turned out. And my father and sister and I would go to church. Well, before church, which I fucking hated, of course, but the really bad thing was two hours before we dropped off at catechism, which was, I guess, teaching you how to be Catholic.

• 1:22:36Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:22:37Bill Maher?

  You know, I remember giving a hundred questions we were given on a mimeograph page.

• 1:22:42Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:22:43Bill Maher?

  That we had to memorize.

• 1:22:45Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:22:45Bill Maher?

  Where is God? God is everywhere.

• 1:22:47Speaker 04

  That's right. Did you go to confession every Friday?

• 1:22:50Bill Maher?

  Yes, and confession, which I think Saturday, because.

• 1:22:53Speaker 04

  I went every Friday.

• 1:22:55Bill Maher?

  Whatever it was, it was close to Sunday because you didn't want to leave a window there when you might sin. Because this, once you went to confessions and spoke through the little screen there, you were free of all sins.

• 1:23:09Speaker 04

  Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

• 1:23:10Bill Maher?

  But there was a little bit of a gap between then, when you got communion. You can't get communion unless you're free of all sin.

• 1:23:17Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:23:17Bill Maher?

  So there was like an eight hour gap. It's a little like when the porn star gets tested. And then there's still kind of like Saturday night, ah, yeah, but, you know what I'm saying? I think you do.

• 1:23:31Speaker 04

  This is hilarious. I love this podcast.

• 1:23:36Speaker 04

  I'm another drunk. This is for you.

• 1:23:39Bill Maher?

  But yes, I, I.

• 1:23:40Speaker 04

  You went every Friday?

• 1:23:41Bill Maher?

  Saturday.

• 1:23:42Speaker 04

  Oh, you went Saturday?

• 1:23:43Bill Maher?

  Saturday, because Sunday was when you got communion. And of course, as a kid, you're, you're just, what, what fucking sins could I be doing as a, as a seven-year-old? So you're like, the anxiety, the anxiety that I had.

• 1:23:56Speaker 04

  I remember one of mine, forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I told my mother I would take the trash out by five o'clock, and I did not do it until 5:30.

• 1:24:04Bill Maher?

  Yeah, shit like that, exactly.

• 1:24:06Speaker 04

  That's.

• 1:24:07Bill Maher?

  And, and for that, they put scars for life.

• 1:24:10Speaker 04

  I still remember it.

• 1:24:11Bill Maher?

  Like, exactly.

• 1:24:13Speaker 04

  I still remember it 58 years later.

• 1:24:15Bill Maher?

  Just the, you know, your heart is pounding because you were, you're, you're seven, and you were told this, this man has your fa- you know, he, he can condemn you to hell.

• 1:24:24Speaker 04

  Uh, my heart was pounding until he said, you are forgiven.

• 1:24:27Bill Maher?

  And then, yeah, and then, and then you would be given penance, and you know, like, like he's, like he's got an apicus in there. And he's like, okay, it's three Hail Marys for the lie, and, uh, yeah, and he would say, and of course, the children, we did, if only I'd known at the time, of course, he's not gonna make it too onerous. It would be like, say, three Hail Marys and two heart fathers, and I'd be like, phew, you know?

• 1:24:52Speaker 04

  So funny, when I met my wife 25 years ago, she went to.

• 1:24:56Bill Maher?

  Wow, really? 25 years? You've been married 25 years?

• 1:24:58Speaker 04

  We've been together 25.

• 1:25:00Bill Maher?

  Wow.

• 1:25:00Speaker 04

  We've been married 19.

• 1:25:04Bill Maher?

  How did you know she was the one?

• 1:25:06Speaker 04

  She said yes.

• 1:25:08Bill Maher?

  We'll be right back.

• 1:25:11Speaker 04

  Jennifer's great. She's my best friend, and she's just, well, she's just wonderful. I remember she walked into my closet, and, and, and I had nothing but.

• 1:25:18Bill Maher?

  You were in the closet?

• 1:25:21Speaker 04

  She walked into my closet in my one-bedroom condo, and she saw I had, it was nothing but black pants and white shirts and like, blue sweaters. And she looked, she goes, this is your entire wardrobe? I go, yeah, and she goes, did you used to wear a uniform?

• 1:25:41Speaker 04

  And I thought about it and I went, as a matter of fact, I did. And she said, this is crazy, we're throwing all this away, we're gonna go buy some jeans. And, and I just didn't realize how, I grew up with the uniform, like do everything straight over the plate. It was indoctrinated day one when I was a little kid.

• 1:26:02Bill Maher?

  You were living in a condo 25 years ago?

• 1:26:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, I was in a condo, I was in a one bedroom condo. When I, yeah, when I met my wife, yeah, I was in a one bedroom.

• 1:26:10Bill Maher?

  Yeah, so your, yeah, your wealth came, like your mogul period came not at all in the last century, all in this century.

• 1:26:19Speaker 04

  For the most part, yes, exactly right, two thou- exactly right. And, you know, I realized early on, it wasn't show business, it was business show.

• 1:26:27Bill Maher?

  My kid Rock was here and he goes, I fucking love being rich. And all I could say was, I do too. I mean, come on, I mean, why should we hide it, right?

• 1:26:37Speaker 04

  Especially when we were poor. Well, yeah.

• 1:26:40Bill Maher?

  I mean, it's just, it's just, it's like the, you know, it's the reason why it's so popular. Because it's just such a lubricant.

• 1:26:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:26:51Bill Maher?

  Like more than, because I'm not an acquirer of things.

• 1:26:54Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:26:55Bill Maher?

  Like I don't collect anything that, you know, motorcycles, cars, you know, paintings.

• 1:27:01Speaker 04

  Smart.

• 1:27:01Bill Maher?

  Like jewelry, none of that gives me any pleasure.

• 1:27:04Speaker 04

  Smart.

• 1:27:05Bill Maher?

  But it's just, you know.

• 1:27:06Speaker 04

  What does?

• 1:27:09Speaker 04

  What does?

• 1:27:10Bill Maher?

  My delicate Christian wife Sue. And our two homeschool children. No, I'm sorry, that's not my life, that's somebody else. Um, you know, my work.

• 1:27:21Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:27:21Bill Maher?

  Love.

• 1:27:22Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:27:22Bill Maher?

  Friends.

• 1:27:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:27:23Bill Maher?

  You know, just, my, I'm a person of a routine, I get it. I get pleasure out of being anal and just, I, I have a job that's been the same job for 23 years. That's, you know, I, I like that, I like the process. I like feeling that it's, you know, something people are feeling fulfilled by. I mean, you need a purpose to wake up in the day and, um, I just, but I have no material, there's no, uh... You know, I don't need a lot of money to do the things people do with money. I mean, for all the people who are like always talking about, you know, their virtues,

• 1:28:06Bill Maher?

  signaling about the poor and everything, well, you spend a lot of money on things you don't specifically really need. You could, we could all do that. We could all just, you know, this jacket is $5,000. I could just not have it and still have plenty of clothes and give $5,000. But we all think, well, is it really gonna get there? If I thought it really would go direct, if I could somehow telepathically put it in the pockets.

• 1:28:35Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:28:36Bill Maher?

  I don't think I'd ever buy another $5,000 jacket.

• 1:28:39Speaker 04

  Is that right?

• 1:28:40Bill Maher?

  If I could really do that, because I have 15.

• 1:28:45Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:28:46Bill Maher?

  Some people have 500.

• 1:28:48Speaker 04

  Right, right, yeah.

• 1:28:50Bill Maher?

  And are still buying.

• 1:28:51Speaker 04

  That's right, that's right.

• 1:28:53Bill Maher?

  Which one are you?

• 1:28:55Speaker 04

  You know, in my personal life, you know.

• 1:28:56Bill Maher?

  How many jackets do you have?

• 1:28:58Speaker 04

  Personally, not that many. For the show, we have a wardrobe, but look, I'm jeans.

• 1:29:02Bill Maher?

  I'm not counting the show.

• 1:29:04Speaker 04

  Oh, well.

• 1:29:04Bill Maher?

  Right, that's a wardrobe, that's business.

• 1:29:06Speaker 04

  That's wardrobe, that's right.

• 1:29:07Bill Maher?

  Right, that's wardrobe.

• 1:29:07Speaker 04

  I like jeans.

• 1:29:08Bill Maher?

  Please, we cannot be, people like us, who are male models, we cannot be seen just wearing anything on television, Byron. I mean, the people would revolt.

• 1:29:18Speaker 04

  I have a hole in my jean right here. I like, I just want soft jeans, tennis shoes. I wanna be comfortable.

• 1:29:23Bill Maher?

  Right.

• 1:29:23Speaker 04

  I like being comfortable.

• 1:29:24Bill Maher?

  Me too.

• 1:29:25Speaker 04

  I can't wait. I'm at home. I like to put on my soft pajamas and t-shirt and just hang out with the wife and kids.

• 1:29:31Bill Maher?

  Although, I also must say, I kind of, like, no, I wouldn't wanna do it a lot, but when there is a reason to put a suit on, um, you know, they look good in a suit.

• 1:29:43Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:29:44Bill Maher?

  The suit is designed for men.

• 1:29:47Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:29:47Bill Maher?

  I mean, it's just, somebody did that years ago and we went, oh, this thing makes me look better just sort of visually.

• 1:29:55Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:29:56Bill Maher?

  You know, you can be a fat fuck and you're still, under a suit, like, the thing is cut here. It covers up a lot, or if you are in good shape, you know, can look. Of course, even better. Yeah, frames you.

• 1:30:09Speaker 04

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:30:09Bill Maher?

  And the tie, no reason for a tie.

• 1:30:12Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:30:12Bill Maher?

  I mean, what's the reason for a tie?

• 1:30:13Speaker 04

  It's an odd thing, a tie.

• 1:30:14Bill Maher?

  It's an odd fucking thing.

• 1:30:16Speaker 04

  It is.

• 1:30:16Bill Maher?

  Do you know what causes disease?

• 1:30:18Speaker 04

  Know what?

• 1:30:19Bill Maher?

  The tie.

• 1:30:20Speaker 04

  How is this?

• 1:30:21Bill Maher?

  I tell you, I love that we're talking like David Mamet characters now. Suddenly it's now just.

• 1:30:28Bill Maher?

  And here's the fucking thing. Uh, because doctors in hospitals will be wearing a tie. And they will lean up, you know, there's a lot of bacterial infections in hospitals. It's one of the main reasons why you don't want to be in a hospital.

• 1:30:44Speaker 04

  Never.

• 1:30:44Bill Maher?

  Because whatever you go in with, you could get something worse in there.

• 1:30:49Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:30:49Bill Maher?

  It's where the germs live. So don't wear a tie that could like as you're bending over the patient. I'm not making that up.

• 1:30:59Speaker 04

  That's a great, that's great.

• 1:31:00Bill Maher?

  That shit happened.

• 1:31:01Speaker 04

  Great observation.

• 1:31:02Bill Maher?

  And like our one here, Cedar Sinai, very good hospital.

• 1:31:06Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:31:07Bill Maher?

  And like they're, they're a good hospital with a good rating because they don't do stupid, stupid shit just like this.

• 1:31:17Bill Maher?

  They really don't. And yeah, but no reason for the tie.

• 1:31:21Speaker 04

  No.

• 1:31:22Bill Maher?

  Aside from killing people. Except it kind of, again, frames us. There's something about it that works with the V of the suit.

• 1:31:31Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:31:32Bill Maher?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:32Speaker 04

  Do you like to go on vacation?

• 1:31:34Bill Maher?

  Ah, great question. You know, I used to see you in Hawaii.

• 1:31:38Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:31:39Bill Maher?

  Because for 12 years.

• 1:31:41Speaker 04

  Maui.

• 1:31:42Bill Maher?

  I did Maui and Honolulu. People know this, they, you know.

• 1:31:45Speaker 04

  Would perform.

• 1:31:46Bill Maher?

  Perform, I, I'd started at a time when no one would do it and I broke that market.

• 1:31:51Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:31:52Bill Maher?

  And said, New Year's Eve, who wouldn't want to be or, and you know, then everybody did it. So they crowded me out of my own market. Okay.

• 1:32:00Bill Maher?

  But it was awesome and I would bring people. I'd see you there.

• 1:32:03Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:32:04Bill Maher?

  I mean, it was, it was just a wonderful time. Um, what was the question?

• 1:32:09Speaker 04

  Yeah, where do you like to go vacation? Do you like to go vacation?

• 1:32:12Bill Maher?

  Now, once that ended, that was my vacation. And even then it was a working vacation.

• 1:32:16Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:32:17Bill Maher?

  You know, I did two shows. I did Honolulu and I did Maui in four days. But you know, I also was on the beach and body surfing and it was so awesome and I'd bring people and, you know, it was just, it was just fun. It was one of those great things. Things you can do when you're, you know, I couldn't have done it when I was thirty. I had other things that were good then, but I certainly couldn't have brought a gang of people on a private plane to Hawaii every fucking New Year's.

• 1:32:41Speaker 04

  Isn't that great?

• 1:32:42Bill Maher?

  It was awesome and, you know, got to like, like this, but for four days.

• 1:32:46Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:32:46Bill Maher?

  With people who I was getting to know, you know?

• 1:32:49Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:32:49Bill Maher?

  Uh, I got to know Nikki Glaser that way, lots of people. Lots of people I got to know that way.

• 1:32:54Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:32:55Bill Maher?

  You know, but.

• 1:32:56Speaker 04

  You would always bring these great comedians.

• 1:32:57Bill Maher?

  Yeah, it was fun.

• 1:32:58Speaker 04

  The Natasha?

• 1:32:59Bill Maher?

  But no, I, Natasha, yeah, absolutely.

• 1:33:01Speaker 04

  Natasha Lyfer, she's amazing.

• 1:33:03Bill Maher?

  I remember she had a baby at home at the time. She was not gonna do it. She was like, no, I have a newborn. I was like, yeah, but it's Hawaii. Okay.

• 1:33:13Bill Maher?

  But, uh, yeah, everybody was, was always, it was great. But, uh.

• 1:33:18Speaker 04

  Anyplace else other than Hawaii?

• 1:33:20Bill Maher?

  I, I, I don't tour anymore. I did that for over forty years.

• 1:33:24Speaker 04

  You don't go out and do dates anymore?

• 1:33:25Bill Maher?

  No, I stopped. You know, everything comes to an end. I mean, I feel like I quit at just the right time because.

• 1:33:32Speaker 04

  Oh, my God, you're worth a million, two million a night.

• 1:33:35Bill Maher?

  Uh, not a night, but I, I mean, it was very lucrative. I played all the great theaters in this country.

• 1:33:42Speaker 04

  You and a couple of more comics, you could do arenas.

• 1:33:45Bill Maher?

  Yeah, I would never do anything with other comics. I feel like you should really.

• 1:33:49Speaker 04

  Well, you did New Year's Eve.

• 1:33:50Bill Maher?

  New Year's Eve?

• 1:33:51Speaker 04

  You would take other comedians and open for them.

• 1:33:53Bill Maher?

  Oh, yes, you're right.

• 1:33:55Speaker 04

  Did you forget that?

• 1:33:56Bill Maher?

  Okay.

• 1:33:56Speaker 04

  Let's have another drink.

• 1:33:57Bill Maher?

  Okay, okay, once a year, you're right, you're right, I did.

• 1:34:01Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:34:01Bill Maher?

  I didn't like it. I mean, I love them, but like, I feel like comedy is, is, especially the kind I do, it's just so distinctive. I just, and I think all comedy is, not just mine. It's all so distinctive.

• 1:34:14Speaker 04

  You'd rather just do it by yourself?

• 1:34:16Bill Maher?

  It's just hard, yeah, yeah. I always did when I went on the road. I never had an opening act.

• 1:34:21Speaker 04

  And well, how much time would you do?

• 1:34:23Bill Maher?

  Hour and a half to two.

• 1:34:25Speaker 04

  Jesus.

• 1:34:25Bill Maher?

  Yeah. I mean, I think that's what, people buy a ticket to see you at that level.

• 1:34:30Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:34:30Bill Maher?

  You know, I mean, they're, they're not there to see an opening act and that's okay. I mean, that to me is one of the great things about. I mean, we're really privileged to do that, to like go out in front of a group of people who bought a hard ticket to see you, which means they really get you.

• 1:34:47Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:34:48Bill Maher?

  It's such a, it was such a joy, hopefully for them, I think usually it was. But for me too, just to be able to indulge myself with people who I know, you get me fully, you bought this ticket, you're not just a fair weather fan. You know, and it's like, just like it is in a, in a romantic relationship with somebody, to be with somebody who really gets you.

• 1:35:13Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:35:14Bill Maher?

  When that's the audience, it is almost intimate, it is intimate.

• 1:35:18Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:35:18Bill Maher?

  It's wonderful.

• 1:35:19Speaker 04

  I mean, you, listen, I'm surprised you're not out there, I didn't know you had retired, I mean.

• 1:35:24Bill Maher?

  I can't stand the travel, I'm a bad, I'm a nervous travel.

• 1:35:27Speaker 04

  You're flying privately?

• 1:35:28Bill Maher?

  I was for the whole century.

• 1:35:30Speaker 04

  Well, why?

• 1:35:31Bill Maher?

  Even that became too much, I'm telling you.

• 1:35:33Speaker 04

  To drive to Van Nuys and get on a private jet?

• 1:35:36Bill Maher?

  Correct.

• 1:35:37Speaker 04

  What's the problem?

• 1:35:37Bill Maher?

  Correct.

• 1:35:38Speaker 04

  What's the problem?

• 1:35:39Bill Maher?

  First of all, some, the, the, I'm, I'm not gonna sit here and like complain about private jets. But you know what, fuck it, I will.

• 1:35:48Speaker 04

  Okay, I wanna hear this, Bill.

• 1:35:49Bill Maher?

  No, no, I've always been very honest about it.

• 1:35:51Speaker 04

  You're always very honest, period.

• 1:35:53Bill Maher?

  I did an editorial about this on Real Time One, saying, and I remember turning right at the camera and saying, I'm Bill and I fly private. I mean, I did a whole thing that, and because everybody, I said, at least I'm honest about it. Everybody else is an environmentalist, I showed all the pictures of them getting on private planes.

• 1:36:08Speaker 04

  There you go.

• 1:36:08Bill Maher?

  None of them don't do it, carbon offsets, bullshit, okay?

• 1:36:12Speaker 04

  That's right, that's right.

• 1:36:13Bill Maher?

  Okay, we live in this age where if you can fly private, you do. I was always for a gig, it wasn't like I was even paying for the plane. I mean, I was in a way because I was making less on the gig, but I still made money on the gig.

• 1:36:25Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:36:25Bill Maher?

  I just wouldn't have done it if I had to fly, and many of them I couldn't even get to on the schedule.

• 1:36:30Speaker 04

  No.

• 1:36:30Bill Maher?

  I had to be here Friday to tape Real Time. So how am I gonna be on stage in fucking Wisconsin? Okay, so it became, first of all, too many crypto.

• 1:36:41Bill Maher?

  Assholes with too much money.

• 1:36:44Speaker 04

  Started buying up the jet.

• 1:36:45Bill Maher?

  Chasing too few jets.

• 1:36:46Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:36:47Bill Maher?

  I never bought. I didn't want to own one.

• 1:36:49Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:36:49Bill Maher?

  Because then everything is your problem.

• 1:36:51Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:36:51Bill Maher?

  You have to hire the pilots and keep them on. You have to get a hangar. You have to do the landing right.

• 1:36:57Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:36:58Bill Maher?

  I was like, no.

• 1:36:58Speaker 04

  The maintenance, the whole thing.

• 1:36:59Bill Maher?

  Yes. Let me just, and also, when you have a, this happened a few times. If you're renting it and it doesn't work on the runway, which happened more and more. It's one reason I'm stopping. More and more, there was the, ah, there's something wrong with the computer.

• 1:37:15Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:37:16Bill Maher?

  They will get you another plane.

• 1:37:18Speaker 04

  Not as pretty, not as good.

• 1:37:20Bill Maher?

  Does, or better.

• 1:37:21Speaker 04

  Or better.

• 1:37:22Bill Maher?

  I've had, I was once halfway to Florida, problem, flew all the way back to LA, and they had a much bigger, faster plane waiting for me. That's the advantage over not having your plane, as most of you people listening know.

• 1:37:37Bill Maher?

  If it's one thing I tell the young comedians, relate to your audience. Do things they can relate to, for God's sakes.

• 1:37:47Speaker 04

  Go out there and do the first half hour about your private jet.

• 1:37:51Bill Maher?

  But it's true. Too many crypto assholes chasing too many jets.

• 1:37:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:37:57Bill Maher?

  And, um, yeah, too many, like, the number of times there was like, oh, there's a problem, just increased. I don't know why that is. I don't know if the jets got worse, or maybe it was just people who are stoned, who are working in this industry. I don't know, but it just was, I, I never had a good feeling even about the private jet. Like, is there going to be some problem today?

• 1:38:21Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:38:22Bill Maher?

  And that.

• 1:38:23Speaker 04

  So you're afraid to fly?

• 1:38:24Bill Maher?

  I'm not afraid to fly. For years, I'm not afraid. I'm afraid of getting there late because, because they're gonna come back and say, um, we're having a problem. The computer isn't talking to the.

• 1:38:35Speaker 04

  How many Fridays do you do real time? How many, how many Fridays out of the year?

• 1:38:39Bill Maher?

  Thirty-six.

• 1:38:40Speaker 04

  Alright, so you have.

• 1:38:41Bill Maher?

  All year.

• 1:38:41Speaker 04

  You say, okay, it's all year. So you have the other, like, you have ten Fridays where you're not. Okay.

• 1:38:45Bill Maher?

  Where I may not want to work at all.

• 1:38:47Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:38:47Bill Maher?

  Mostly, I was flying out Saturday morning after taping Real Time on Friday. Honestly, Byron.

• 1:38:52Speaker 04

  But you can do concerts on Mondays and Tuesdays. People will come see you.

• 1:38:55Bill Maher?

  I can't. I'm working here on Real Time.

• 1:38:57Speaker 04

  You're getting your monologue, yeah.

• 1:38:58Bill Maher?

  I'm doing everything. This, this show takes all week to put together.

• 1:39:01Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:39:02Bill Maher?

  But honestly, it's been a year and a half since I've been there, and it does, it's, when I think of it now.

• 1:39:11Bill Maher?

  It's like, how did I ever do it?

• 1:39:13Speaker 04

  How'd you put your material together? Because you didn't hit the comedy clubs. How did you put your hour and a half together?

• 1:39:22Bill Maher?

  Interesting point that's come up before.

• 1:39:27Bill Maher?

  At a certain point, I didn't understand why anyone else needed to. Like, if you've been doing stand-up for thirty years.

• 1:39:34Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:39:34Bill Maher?

  You don't know how it'll work?

• 1:39:37Bill Maher?

  I don't know. I know.

• 1:39:38Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:39:39Bill Maher?

  I'm not saying I'm Superman. I'm just saying, I didn't have to go to the clubs.

• 1:39:43Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:39:43Bill Maher?

  And I wasn't wrong.

• 1:39:45Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:39:45Bill Maher?

  And if occasionally something didn't get quite the laugh I thought it would, I don't remember anything just completely dying.

• 1:39:51Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:39:51Bill Maher?

  I remember jokes trying out, of course, that's the process, where it was like, yeah, it worked. No one was embarrassed, but I can beat it, so I'm getting rid of it in the act. But, you know, every time I did something for the first time, it got something.

• 1:40:07Speaker 04

  Got it.

• 1:40:07Bill Maher?

  You know, it just, I just, I can just tell.

• 1:40:10Speaker 04

  And you can keep track of ninety minutes of material without working the clubs?

• 1:40:14Bill Maher?

  I loved the process there, too. I'm a process person. I always took on stage and had a music stand and I had my bullet points.

• 1:40:24Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:40:24Bill Maher?

  And so I did not have to memorize my act.

• 1:40:26Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:40:27Bill Maher?

  And I would then have that, those bullet points in the computer. I'd get home, I'd edit it, so every show is an updated version of what worked. You know, as opposed in the old days when I was writing on a yellow legal pad. This was like awesome. I could just do it in the computer. And now, next time I'm on the road, I have the act right up to date. And also don't have to memorize it, because it's gonna be up there with me. And I get great pleasure out of the fact that I moved this joke, two jokes earlier, and it worked so much better.

• 1:40:57Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:40:57Bill Maher?

  All that little tinkering shit.

• 1:40:59Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:41:00Bill Maher?

  That nerdy shit. That's what.

• 1:41:03Speaker 04

  That comedians do.

• 1:41:04Bill Maher?

  I loved it.

• 1:41:04Speaker 04

  Yes. Yes. Yeah, so you can go, you could play, you could play spots and do theaters in L.A.

• 1:41:10Bill Maher?

  I could do a lot of things. I could start skiing, I don't want to.

• 1:41:13Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:41:14Bill Maher?

  I mean, I, I loved it and I, and I miss it a lot sometimes. But not as much because I have a monologue I do every week on Real Time that scratches that itch.

• 1:41:24Speaker 04

  Ah.

• 1:41:24Bill Maher?

  And it's even better in a way because it's a different animal than doing stand-up, which is, you know, much more passionate, shall we say, because it's your, your act about evergreen things. And the monologue is just what happened that week, but it's still fun to tell jokes and it's very much fun, as you well know.

• 1:41:41Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:41:41Bill Maher?

  To tell jokes you've never told before.

• 1:41:43Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:41:44Bill Maher?

  And see if you can like do it. It's a, it's a test. Can I do this joke I've never told before and still fucking nail it?

• 1:41:51Speaker 04

  Right, can you find humor in this?

• 1:41:53Bill Maher?

  Well, not just find humor, but nail it like in performance and how it should be done and, you know, mostly but not always because it's the first time.

• 1:42:02Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's great.

• 1:42:03Bill Maher?

  It's great.

• 1:42:03Speaker 04

  I mean, once you're a comedian, you're always a comedian. See, you, you nailed it. You are scratching that itch because you're doing the monologue on your show.

• 1:42:10Bill Maher?

  Yeah.

• 1:42:11Speaker 04

  If you didn't have the monologue on your show, then you probably had.

• 1:42:13Bill Maher?

  No, then I, yeah.

• 1:42:14Speaker 04

  You'd have to get back out on the road.

• 1:42:16Bill Maher?

  There is not a, a time I am standing right backstage before the show starts when I don't think to myself, enjoy this because this is kind of what you live for.

• 1:42:28Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:42:29Bill Maher?

  It's, to be able to walk out of here every week and they're all ready for you and, and you've got all, you know, you've got all these great jokes from my great writers and, you know, you put them just the way you want them now, so you made it into a thing and now you get to deliver this and people will take it as a gift you're giving and they'll like you for your gift you gave them of this monologue. Like, that's not going to be there in my life forever unless I die like the day after my last show, which is possible. Andy Rooney did it.

• 1:43:04Bill Maher?

  Andy Rooney fucking literally like died like a week after he was doing sixty minutes.

• 1:43:09Speaker 04

  Is that right?

• 1:43:09Bill Maher?

  Yeah.

• 1:43:10Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:43:10Bill Maher?

  But I'm no Andy Rooney. So I'll probably be living after. But each time I go out, I do think that. I do think, wow, this is, this is as much fun as you're gonna have with your pants on ever.

• 1:43:22Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 1:43:22Bill Maher?

  So enjoy it and know it. It's, it's, at one point, it's gonna be the last one. So enjoy this one too.

• 1:43:30Speaker 04

  And you don't know when the last one is. And you just, you have to enjoy it.

• 1:43:34Bill Maher?

  You don't.

• 1:43:35Speaker 04

  You have to enjoy it. But you know, so, all right, so you said something earlier that was, that's really intriguing. Like you like Johnny and that the girls and this, the girls would notice you and the whole nine yards. So you become rich and famous. When you were talking earlier, you're talking about, you know, you know, the, the girls like you. Because comedy, what's cooler than this? You know, you got the attention of the young ladies.

• 1:43:56Bill Maher?

  Well, I mean, if you're really into that, you'd be a musician.

• 1:44:01Bill Maher?

  Comedy is.

• 1:44:01Speaker 04

  But you don't have any musical talent.

• 1:44:03Bill Maher?

  Exactly. So it's not really up to you.

• 1:44:05Speaker 04

  Yeah, I have zero musical talent.

• 1:44:07Bill Maher?

  I mean, comedy is, is just not in the same ballpark as music.

• 1:44:10Speaker 04

  That's exactly right.

• 1:44:12Bill Maher?

  And, and that's fine. It probably saved us from some shit too.

• 1:44:17Speaker 04

  A lot.

• 1:44:18Bill Maher?

  We, we would have gotten laid more, but we did fine.

• 1:44:21Speaker 04

  And not survived as long.

• 1:44:22Bill Maher?

  And, yeah, and we didn't have to like snort a column of ants or something. You know, you know, we just.

• 1:44:32Bill Maher?

  And also, I think it weeded out women of a certain, uh, shall we say passive IQ level. Like comedy, I kind of have to have a brain to appreciate it.

• 1:44:42Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:44:43Bill Maher?

  You know?

• 1:44:43Speaker 04

  Right. So you, you, you, you, you've had a great life. Is there anything else you want to do?

• 1:44:48Bill Maher?

  Well, let's not talk about it like it's over.

• 1:44:50Speaker 04

  It's not over. You've had a great life so far. And when you think about, when you think about the fact that.

• 1:44:55Bill Maher?

  I'm having one.

• 1:44:56Speaker 04

  You're having a great one. But, but listen, you've been doing what you love since you're what, twenty-two, twenty-three?

• 1:45:01Bill Maher?

  Well, I surely didn't love it then. It sucked.

• 1:45:03Speaker 04

  What age did you start?

• 1:45:04Bill Maher?

  Then, and it was horrible. I mean, you know those early years.

• 1:45:07Speaker 04

  Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, you, but think about it. You started at twenty-two, twenty-three years old. What you wanted to do.

• 1:45:14Bill Maher?

  Yeah, oh, no, I mean, all my dreams came true. I don't want to have to sound like Elvis when he made the, "All my dreams came true." Yeah, they did, and, but they didn't work out for you, dead at forty-two. Um, I'm still here at seventy. My dreams did come true. I mean, along the way, you know, both me fucked up and life fucked up. Some things could have worked out better. But in general, it's like, I would, I would not, I've said this before. I, I would hope there is no such thing as reincarnation because I don't think I would pick a better life. You know, I don't think I'm gonna, if I'm reincarned, whatever I come back on as, I don't think it'd be better than this one. It could be.

• 1:45:59Bill Maher?

  I could come back as Rod Stewart or something.

• 1:46:05Bill Maher?

  But the odds of it being better, slim.

• 1:46:10Speaker 04

  You know what that means? You're very happy.

• 1:46:12Bill Maher?

  Yes, I, again, you know, our generation, first of all, just accepts a much lower level of happiness. We don't have a sense of entitlement like it came about in later generations.

• 1:46:27Speaker 04

  So, what's the story? I'm just curious, and we've known each other a long time. I mean, you're completely off the possibility of marriage?

• 1:46:35Bill Maher?

  Well, at seventy, I think that's silly.

• 1:46:37Speaker 04

  Yeah?

• 1:46:37Bill Maher?

  I mean, why would you get married except to have kids? And you wouldn't have kids at seventy? I mean, not that people haven't done it, but it's a crazy thing to do. It's a crazy thing to do. I love being this age because it's a built-in excuse for being what I wanted an excuse from for, for all my life.

• 1:46:56Speaker 04

  What's that?

• 1:46:57Bill Maher?

  I can't get that serious, and I won't have children.

• 1:47:02Bill Maher?

  All right, I gotta go back to work.

• 1:47:03Speaker 04

  All right, man, great hanging with you.

• 1:47:09Bill Maher?

  It was so much fun. Congratulations on being Byron Allen.

• 1:47:14Speaker 04

  And you?

• 1:47:15Bill Maher?

  You somehow came out on top.

• 1:47:18Speaker 04

  You as well.

• 1:47:19Bill Maher?

  I bet you have more, more money than Seinfeld, I bet.

• 1:47:23Speaker 04

  He has more cars.

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