Anxious Attachment 101

This week, Alex breaks down attachment styles and dives deep into anxious attachment. She discusses how childhood experiences can shape the way we approach intimacy, why inconsistent partners can feel so addictive, and how anxiety can lead to overthinking, reassurance-seeking, and self-sabotaging behaviors in relationships. She also shares advice on identifying your triggers, separating facts from the stories you tell yourself, communicating your needs more directly, and learning how to feel safe in healthier relationships. Enjoy!

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  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Uber. Uber just introduced a new feature called Women Preferences, which lets women riders request a woman driver directly in the app. It's honestly an amazing feature that gives women more control over their rides. Sometimes we all just want a ride that feels a little more comfortable and chill. So if you haven't used it yet, Uber's new Women Preferences feature is available now in the Uber app. Learn more on the Uber app. Daddy gang, welcome back to another Sunday session. I want to just get right into it today. I want to talk about attachment styles. I posted on my social media about this and there were so many people that were like, wait, what are attachment styles? And I was

• 2:23Speaker 00

  gonna go more in depth on one thing. And then I was like, oh wait, if people don't even know what this is, or don't know fully about it, I was like, this is a great jumping off point. First of all, attachment theory is not just some like BS trendy TikTok lingo that we are all seeing today. It is the literal blueprint of your brain. It dictates essentially everything you do. It's almost like, it's basically like this invisible puppet master behind you of like the why you make decisions and quite frankly, like why some of you are living in a self-inflicted cycle of absolute chaos or unrecognized patterns. And like, it

• 3:07Speaker 00

  is not your fault because it is almost like ingrained in you and innate. And so today, I wanna, I wanna dive deep into it all. Okay. Because this will literally relate to every single person watching. So to kick us off, I want to ask a couple of questions and I just want you to be brutally honest with yourself. Okay. Sit back, relax. Don't close your eyes if you're driving, but close your eyes if you're just sitting. Okay. For some of my ladies listening, why is it that the moment someone actually treats you right? And you know, they show up on time, they tell you they like you, they aren't hiding

• 3:48Speaker 00

  three secret families in different area codes, you suddenly are like, yeah, I'm bored.

• 3:56Speaker 00

  Bored. Like, why does a healthy relationship feel like a chore, but a toxic text at 2:00 a.m. feels like a spark? It feels like chemistry, right? If you relate to that, we are going to get to you. Don't worry. To other girlies listening, why do you get physically sick to your stomach if someone doesn't reply to a meme you just sent within 45 minutes? And then you immediately are convincing yourself, oh my, they literally hate me. If that is you, do not worry, I will get to you. And then for my independent woman out there, why does the thought of actually telling someone

• 4:40Speaker 00

  you missed them make you feel like you basically want to jump out of a moving vehicle? You're like, into oncoming traffic actually sounds way better than doing this. Like, why is your first instinct, the second someone gets close, you're like, pack my bags, find a flaw? Well, I've also got you too. All of these are kind of alluding to different attachment styles. And I think the hard truth about attachment styles is how you attached to your caregivers when you were a literal toddler, a baby, an infant, is currently running your

• 5:19Speaker 00

  adult life. And it decides who you sleep with, how you argue, how you behave at work. And it basically completely influences how you trust the world. And so if you don't understand your attachment style, it's basically like you're driving a car with your eyes closed, wondering why you just keep slamming into brick walls and getting in accidents. And then you're like, I don't know what, I guess it's the wall's fault for being there. What else could it be? And it's like, no, no, no, it's just because you don't understand what is actually driving you. So today, I want to help everyone, including myself,

• 6:02Speaker 00

  open our eyes so we don't just keep ramming into walls and be like, why did that happen? And I'm basically going to try to show you exactly how this wiring is impacting your sex life, your friendships, and your self-esteem and your future. So grab a drink, get comfortable, and let's get into it.

• 6:43Speaker 00

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Revolve. You know, I'm a father and now I'm also a mother. Okay. I'm not gonna lie. I don't think my entire style is gonna change now that I'm a mom, but like, I'm definitely looking at some more sweaters than going out tops. I know, what a concept. And I'm like liking my, like, I'm evolving. Okay. We're growing. Okay. And so I'm constantly looking for good little outfits to put together for a date night where I'm like, okay, I can be with the baby and then I can go and still have my husband be like, damn, Alex, you look great. There's, there's gonna be a balance. And whether you're building for your future hot mom wardrobe, or you're just trying to honestly find pieces that make you feel put together, that are still comfortable,

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  gut support, get clinically studied biotics to support your gut health with Ritual. My listeners can save 25% on their first month at ritual.com/callherdaddy. That's ritual.com/callherdaddy for 25% off your first month. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. At its core, an attachment style is your subconscious blueprint for how you behave, how you communicate, and how you react in close relationships.

• 10:17Speaker 00

  It's basically like how your brain reacts to intimacy and threat. And it's developed when you are a baby, right? I kind of just said that. But the annoying part is it then shows up when you're like 24, 25, 26, 30, 32, 33, like, and you're like, oh my God, why is this impacting me? You're like crying over an unanswered FaceTime and you're like, why am I so emotional about this? It goes all the way back to childhood, honey. I know. So fucking annoying. And so, everyone is believed to fit one, or some people more, attachment styles. But if you are watching today, you have an attachment style and you fall into basically one of these four categories.

• 11:01Speaker 00

  So we have secure attachment. We have anxious attachment. We have avoidant attachment. And then fearful slash disorganized attachment. Today, I kind of want to just focus on anxious attachment and then I will do episodes the next few weeks dedicated to each of the other attachment styles. Because I was going to try to cram it into one and then I was like, I feel like literally each one needs ample time to be discussed and dissected because there is so much to each of these. And so, here we go. Anxious attachment. Okay?

• 11:44Speaker 00

  So let's first start off with like, you may be like, am I an anxious attached person? I don't know, Alex. So I'm going to kind of just walk you through. If you have ever been called crazy, needy, too much, or, you know, dramatic by someone who couldn't even manage to text you back, this episode is going to hopefully be your holy grail. And I'm going to try to explain exactly what is happening in your brain, why you keep choosing people who make you feel like you're essentially starving. And more importantly, at the end, we're going to try to talk about, how do we change this? How do we stop this? So we're going to start with a little self-diagnosis.

• 12:29Speaker 00

  Very fun today. Very light stuff. Everyone's like, this does not feel light. I know, but I promise it's going to be helpful. I am going to paint a picture and you basically just decide if this sounds familiar, right? So, you're dating someone. It's going well. You had a great date on Tuesday, but now it's, let's say Thursday afternoon and you send a text. It's casual. Maybe you're sending a funny meme or a quick question. And then one hour passes. Nothing. Two hours, still nothing. Now, a normal, secure person's brain goes, oh, maybe they're just busy at work. Let me finish my emails, right?

• 13:12Speaker 00

  But your brain, your brain goes into full-blown DEFCON 1 alert. You're like, okay, I gotta open the chat. I have to reread every single text we've ever exchanged. You go to Instagram. You see if their follower count went up a little bit, right? You're checking their location. Even if you don't have their location, you find a way to find their location, okay? And your heart is quite literally beating through your chest. You're sitting at your desk. You're physically unable to focus on your actual job because you are convinced that they have suddenly realized you are a hideous, unlovable bridge of a troll and they are never, ever going to speak to you again, obviously, right? Right?

• 13:56Speaker 00

  And then three hours later, they text back. And instantly, your nervous system, it just floods with relief. You literally feel high. It feels like a high, right? You feel safe again and you're like, oh my God, I think I'm in love with them. And I think it's really important to acknowledge that daddy gang, that is not love. That is an anxious attachment trigger response. Okay? So, let's rewind. Why are we like this? Why can't we just be chill? Enjoy our relationships?

• 14:37Speaker 00

  Um, I'm obviously not a therapist, but I read the books and I talked to my therapist and I did a lot of research on this so that you don't have to, okay? It all goes back to your childhood. If you have anxious attachment, when you were a baby, your primary caregivers, usually that would be your mom or your dad or both, right? They were likely inconsistent. So, some days, they were incredibly, you know, warm and present and loving. And then, other days, they were stressed, cold, felt emotionally unavailable.

• 15:18Speaker 00

  And because you never knew which version of your parents you were going to get, your tiny baby brain essentially learned this survival mechanism, which is hyper vigilance. Okay? You realized that if you, you know, whimpered softly, nobody came to your rescue. But if you screamed and you cried and you clung to their leg, they would finally pay attention. See where I'm going here, okay? Flash forward 20 years, you're in a bar in West Village and you meet a man who behaves exactly like your inconsistent parents. One day, he's obsessed with you.

• 16:03Speaker 00

  The next day, he's cold. And so, your adult brain goes, oh my God, this feels, this feels familiar. This is what love feels like. This is what was modeled to me as a kid. And you are subconsciously then choosing partners who recreate the exact environment where you had to fight for attention. Because your brain literally thinks understandably that that is the only way to get it. That's the first thing you were taught as a child. So let's talk about behaviors, okay? Because when our anxious attachment gets triggered, we do some truly wild things to

• 16:48Speaker 00

  try and regain control. And psychologists call these protest behaviors, okay? And I'm going to throw out some hopefully relatable examples of how this can show up in real life. Because I'm using big words and it's like, okay, Alex, how does this actually apply to me? A good example would be when someone is triggering you and you're an anxious attachment, you give the cold shoulder. You ignore this person's texts for four hours to punish them. But what you actually want is you want them to panic and ask, is everything okay? Okay? Another example is threatening to leave. What you do is you text something like, you know, maybe we should, maybe we should stop

• 17:33Speaker 00

  talking. But what you actually want is you want them to fight for you and say, no, please stay. I feel like another common behavior that came up when I was researching this is like keeping score, right? So what you do is you wait exactly 43 minutes to reply because they took 43 minutes to reply. But what you actually want is you want to feel like you have some power too in this relationship. And so, a really common behavior is the over-explaining when you are this anxious person, right? Even if you were being cold for a second, finally, when it's time to talk, it's like,

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  what you do is you send a 14 paragraph text dissecting your feelings at 2:00 AM. But then what you actually really just want is you want them to finally understand and you just want them to reassure you. Now, if this is at all hitting home and this feels relatable and applicable to your life, this is a pattern that you know very well and you're very familiar with. You're watching this being like, yep, uh huh, let's go. Ooh, did that the other day, Alex. Did that literally five minutes ago, Alex. And I think what's hard to hear, but it's the truth, is these kind of protest behaviors that you're doing, they always backfire.

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  Always. You do them because you desperately want the closeness and the reassurance from your partner. But to the other person, it literally just looks like you're playing mind games, you're being dramatic, or you're just starting fights literally out of nowhere. And so inevitably, it then pushes your partner further away, which then triggers your anxiety even more. And then the cycle just continues. You unknowingly and unintentionally are actually hurting yourself more.

• 19:37Speaker 00

  Now, if you're listening to this and you're crying in your car right now, babe, I see you, okay? And I just want to,

• 19:46Speaker 00

  first, I just want to express empathy because it is exhausting to live this way. It feels like you are just constantly on an emotional roller coaster that you didn't ask to get on and you're like, why is this happening to my life? And I feel like we see people online just joking, using the words like, this person's clingy or I'm clingy or I'm needy. Or like, they joke about like being an FBI agent, you know, because they're like looking up their partner's location. But the actual internal reality of living with anxious attachment is it's incredibly painful and it's lonely and it's physically exhausting.

• 20:28Speaker 00

  And so there are some people who will never understand what that actually feels like to live with this on the day to day. And so if you are someone who is listening, who maybe cannot relate to this at all, but maybe your partner has anxious attachment, right? Or you've known someone that has anxious attachment, even if it's a friend or a family member, or you look back at an ex that had anxious attachment. I think to understand what these people are going through is to understand the emotional toll of what happens inside this person's body and mind during one of these like single, very common anxious attachment triggers.

• 21:10Speaker 00

  Okay, what someone with this attachment style is dealing with is a, basically, it's like a constant war between their logical side of their brain and then their nervous system. They're constantly at war. It's like a dual brain conflict. There is just a complete internal split going on. When you have anxious attachment style, basically, first of all, I want to make every, like, you're not stupid. You're not overly emotional. You're, no, your rational brain is, you are intelligent, okay? But when a trigger happens, because of all that's happened in your childhood, like, example, a partner suddenly, you know, they sound cold on the phone or they sound cold over text.

• 21:55Speaker 00

  Your logical brain says to you, oh, he's just tired. He had a 12 hour shift today. It's fine, like, it's totally fine. But then your survival brain, which is so much louder, is saying, he's pulling away. He's pulling away because he did not realize that you're boring and you need to fix this right now or you will be abandoned. And so that pain, this then means that you are forced to basically sit there fully aware, a lot of the times, that you are overreacting while your body physically reacts as if you are standing in front of a threat. Like, you can logically be like, I know this is crazy, but your body is operating at a level that you kind of can't control

• 22:40Speaker 00

  or it feels that way, right? And so the physical and the emotional toll is so fucking heavy. And you can go through so much in just a few hours. First, it's the physical toll, right? The fight or flight response. The moment a partner pulls away, your brain, it's like, guys, this is, this is science that I researched. Your brain basically releases a flood of cortisol and adrenaline the minute this happens, right? And then your chest tightens, your stomach drops, that like literal sick to your stomach feeling, it happens. Your heart rate spikes. And you can't distract yourself because your body

• 23:24Speaker 00

  is flooded with so much stress and so many stress hormones designed to just keep you awake and alert because that's what, it feels literally like danger.

• 23:37Speaker 00

  Which again, like even just hearing this, if you're not someone that has anxious attachment, like, we, I, you immediately have empathy, right? You're like, oh, my God, I didn't realize this is what they go through. And so for this person,

• 23:49Speaker 00

  they then suddenly essentially experience a loss of mental autonomy. They lose control, right? For those three hours of silence that he hasn't texted you back, your brain is basically hijacked. And you can't read a book, you can't, maybe you're at work, you can't focus on that presentation. You can't enjoy dinner with your friends or your family because your mind is entirely preoccupied by one task, which is solving the mystery of why they are pulling away.

• 24:26Speaker 00

  And so you reread past text messages, looking for clues or, you know, like, when, wait, when, when did the vibe change?

• 24:34Speaker 00

  And it feels like your peace of mind is entirely in someone else's hands. And then, to add on to that, you eventually will leave that state and then you will enter what feels like

• 24:51Speaker 00

  a shame hangover. Okay? When they finally text you back with, a lot of times, something normal, the panic goes away. It evaporates. But then it's immediately replaced by this wave of just like intense shame and, and it, and it feels like self-loathing, right? You can't help but think like, oh, my God, this is so embarrassing. Like, why did I get myself that worked up? I was that stressed and worked up. I am so pathetic for caring this much and overreacting. Like, I'm a grown adult. Why can't I just be normal and react normally? All my friends were like, it's fine, babe. Like, don't freak out. And I couldn't, I couldn't control myself.

• 25:38Speaker 00

  And so

• 25:40Speaker 00

  imagine running the cycle three, four, five times a week over months and years even, right?

• 25:50Speaker 00

  That emotional toll is just gonna, it's gonna create sheer exhaustion. And it, it's so depleting. It can impact your self-esteem because you're constantly feeling like you're just, you're basically a hostage to other people's moods and it makes you feel deeply unsafe in one space that you are supposed to feel the most secure, which is your most intimate relationships, right?

• 26:20Speaker 00

  And so

• 26:22Speaker 00

  I know this is probably triggering to some people right now, understandably, and it may be scary for some people. If you are a partner, this may be providing clarity to your situation with your loved one, right? You can't say that you experience it personally, but you are experiencing it because your partner experiences it. And therefore, this kind of also consumes your life. But the positive that you can find in this and take from this, I never leave you hanging, guys, is you can heal this. You can. You do not have to live your life like this forever. I promise you, you don't.

• 27:04Speaker 00

  And I do hope that that makes all of you watching feel a little bit better because I know we just went through the trenches and it's like, okay, I need to go cry. Obviously, my biggest advice always is therapy. It's always going to be my number one recommendation, always and forever. Therapy has literally changed my life and it will never be a bad idea to invest in yourself. Understanding yourself, helping yourself, like, how is that anything but good, right? But if you are someone who, for whatever reason, therapy just, it's not happening right now. I am going to do my best. I'm not a therapist, obviously,

• 27:48Speaker 00

  but I want to share some of this knowledge that I have to maybe help some of you in like, what's the game plan? Okay, your game plan to start trying to move from anxious to secure.

• 28:20Speaker 00

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• 30:50Speaker 00

  Okay, that was the heavy, heavy. Now let's lift it up. Now let's fix our problems. So first and foremost, you have to start to try to recognize that anxious spark that sets all of this into motion. It is a prerequisite. You won't be able to solve this unless you can start to identify these triggers. It is a must. So you basically have to accept that when you feel that overwhelming obsessive,

• 31:19Speaker 00

  almost in moments like butterfly inducing spark with someone who is emotionally unavailable,

• 31:27Speaker 00

  you have to try to recognize that it is actually your nervous system screaming in panic. Okay, I know this shouldn't be controversial, but somehow it is. Guys, real love, it feels calm, it feels safe. And honestly, it could feel a little boring compared to what you have been used to in your past. So to break this cycle, you gotta recognize at the very jump when it's beginning. You can't fix what you don't notice. And so that may literally require you to start tracking your triggers. Like, you need to be able to write down exactly what sets you off. Everyone's going to be different, right?

• 32:11Speaker 00

  So maybe for you, it's when, it's when your partner takes four hours to reply. Or maybe your partner used to randomly always have like a flat tone with you in moments.

• 32:25Speaker 00

  You need to note, what is the physical sensation in your body? Does your chest tighten? Does your throat close up? Like, being able to be like, oh, this feeling kind of arises when this has always happened to me in relationships. Naming that trigger, it basically strips away it just being in your subconscious. And you actually now can have power over it. Before, when you're like, I don't know why this happens. And you keep going over and over and over and doing the same thing. Understandably, it's like, how would you know how to fix something if you don't know what is actually causing it? So literally start writing down what did do it in the past? And then be cognizant, obviously, if there's something directly in the moment that's happening, write it down.

• 33:09Speaker 00

  The next step, though, is when you feel a trigger coming on.

• 33:16Speaker 00

  This is, seems simple, but it's, I understand it's actually way harder said than done. You basically need to force yourself to self-soothe before you react. This is something we didn't get to clearly do when you were children. If you have this anxious attachment style, right? So you need to teach yourself how to do this. When your partner does not text you back and the spiral begins, the cycle is about to start, do not text them. Put your phone in the other room, okay? Go do something physical. Maybe go on a run, take a hot shower, clean your room, okay?

• 33:57Speaker 00

  You basically need to try to prove to your nervous system that you can survive 30 minutes without this person's validation or communication. Because again, when you're triggered, you're, it's like your brain's panic button just takes over, right? Like I said earlier, it's like, it starts to block that logical side of your brain. So there's no point to try to think or talk your way out of a spiral, right? Your first job actually is purely physical. A trigger starts happening, you need to physically lean into your body. So again, everyone's going to be different, but you ultimately have to do something physical that signals to your brain, because you're trying to connect your brain and your body,

• 34:42Speaker 00

  that you are safe. I'm safe.

• 34:46Speaker 00

  This is an overreaction. This is a trigger, right? So it could be deep breathing. And I know that's like, okay, deeper, I'm not kidding you guys. Deep breathing literally will help you. Again, if that doesn't work for you, you guys can look things up that work and try different things. But like splashing ice cold water on your face. I know literally my friend does this. A cold shower, maybe cold over hot. I don't know. Everyone's going to be different. Something's going to work for you, but you have to physically get in tune with your body.

• 35:16Speaker 00

  And then, once you have done that,

• 35:19Speaker 00

  this is the, I think, one of the most important steps is you need to basically separate fact

• 35:27Speaker 00

  from the story you are telling yourself, okay? Once you finally are like, okay, my heart rate is dropping a little bit. I took that shower. You're going to sit down and you have to look at the situation. From all the research, okay? Anxious brains are brilliant storytellers, okay? They are top at Hollywood, okay, baby? You could write the craziest story of all time, okay? So what you need to do is reel it in and you need to say it or write it down, right? So focus on fact. What is the fact? They have not texted me back in three hours.

• 36:08Speaker 00

  Then write down, but the story I'm telling myself is they're losing interest. They regret dating me. I'm going to end up alone. They literally hate me. And so force yourself to write down the bare objective facts and next to it, write the story. Then write down three alternative, realistic explanations. Write down, okay, so that's the story I was telling myself. But also another story I could tell myself is they're in a meeting. Their phone is dead. They're focused on a task at work, right? And I know to some people, this sounds like, I'm not going to sit down and like, write in a fucking journal. This doesn't have to last forever, guys. I think what it, to actually get yourself out of these moments,

• 36:53Speaker 00

  you do though, need to be so intentional about how you're breaking this cycle. And so sometimes it is going to literally take a pen and a paper, right? Because then, once you do this, and you can start to eliminate those protest behaviors I talked about earlier, right? Now you're not sending a crazy text in your mind and you're not spiraling and you're not doing all these things. Once you start to manage it, that's, that is where the magic happens, baby, okay? You tell yourself, oh, I see the trigger. This is the classic trigger of mine. I slowed myself down. I went on a run. I did some deep breathing. I also separated fact from the story.

• 37:37Speaker 00

  Now I know, okay, just keep reading what the fact is, okay? And then tell myself a different story. And now, I need to just stop acting on my anxiety. When I'm about to go hit that, hit them with that double text. When I'm about to go play games, you know, make them feel guilty. Or if I'm about to withdraw, to try to punish them. We're going to do none of that. We're just going to freeze. We are gonna sit. We're going to lean into that discomfort of doing literally nothing. Because from what I have read and I've talked with my therapist and other people who are dealing with this, every time you survive a trigger without acting out,

• 38:22Speaker 00

  you prove to your brain that you are capable of keeping yourself safe. You did all of that on your own. You didn't need anyone else to do it for you. And that is a win and a win and a win and a win. Because think about it, the more than you get to that point, then maybe three months down the line, you don't need the pen and paper. Because you can be like, okay, wait, the fact is this, this is what I'm doing. Okay, great, let me go on a run, let me sit, I'm not going to do anything. I need to calm down. Like, you're going to start to innately shift your behaviors away from what has been really, really negatively impacting you, understandably, because you haven't been aware that you're even doing it.

• 39:04Speaker 00

  And once you get to that point, you guys, that is when you can try to.

• 39:11Speaker 00

  Start to like basically state your needs directly. No more games. Okay. When you finally now talk to your partner, you can stop playing passive aggressive mind games. Instead of saying to your partner, wow, you know, must be nice to be so busy. Like, no, no, no. You're going to be able to say, hey, when I don't hear from you for most of the day, I feel, I don't know, I feel a bit disconnected and it makes me feel secure when we check in, even if it's just briefly.

• 39:48Speaker 00

  Daddy gang, let me tell you something. If they run away from that, then they're just not your person. That is not asking a lot, right? Especially if your partner is aware that you have an anxious attachment style and you are working on it. What a beautiful thing to be able to be honest, what kind of triggers you and your partner meet you right there in the middle and be like, oh, that's totally fair compromise. We can totally check in during the day. If that's going to then prevent this spiral at the end of the day, got you. But I think practicing that like direct, clear communication, it is really key.

• 40:24Speaker 00

  Because it also, and this is where it gets hard, it does require vulnerability, right? Instead of like lightly dropping hints or waiting for them to guess why you're upset, you have to practice basically expressing your needs directly and calmly. And also, this is just like a past, like the attachment styles, big therapy talk. It's like whenever you also do this, use I statements always. I feel a bit anxious when we go all day without chatting. So do you think we could agree to just like quick little texts during lunch and a secure partner will respond with empathy and a desire to help you? Now, the

• 41:09Speaker 00

  an entire new conversation would be an avoidant or a toxic partner will make you feel crazy for asking them for a simple little check in. Okay. And I think that kind of, that actually perfectly leads me to the last step, which is, again, I would say, one of the more important steps, which is, here's the reality, guys. You can do so much work on yourself, but a lot of this is also influenced and comes down to the partner you are choosing.

• 41:50Speaker 00

  Because there are inevitably going to be people out there that can push your trigger so far. And you become the worst version of yourself, right? Some people also, and I hate to admit this, but this is the world we live in. Some people are so messed up that they even recognize your triggers. And if they are unhealthy and toxic, they will use that to control you. And so you basically have to force yourself to go out with the boring guy who texts you back in 10 minutes and, and you know, tells you his plans for the weekend. Cause I'm telling you, you think it's boring. It's not boring. You just have

• 42:33Speaker 00

  to give your nervous system a chance to get used to peace instead of chaos.

• 42:55Speaker 00

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Airbnb. Okay. I am well into my third trimester now. So I haven't really been able to travel because I need to stay close to my doctor. But spending all this time at home has made me start thinking about all the places that I want to go. Once the baby is here. I have literally been sitting on my couch with the TV on scrolling through Airbnb and planning trips. I am nowhere ready to take yet, but suddenly my vacation priorities, I will say are completely different. Like, does the house have enough bedrooms? Is there a big kitchen? Does the furniture look baby safe? Or is every table covered in, you know, sharp corners? And obviously we need an extra room for my mom who has

• 43:38Speaker 00

  already made it very clear that she will not be leaving my side. She's like, I got you. I'm the babysitter. Okay. And now that it is October, I'm picturing cooler weather, cozy sweaters. Oh my God, maybe a little cottage where we can escape for a little weekend. That's what I love about booking a home on Airbnb. Whether you're traveling with family, friends, or your partner, everyone has space to relax while still being together. Even if you're traveling for a concert or a game, you have one place where everyone can get together and convene after. Before the holiday season gets busy, treat yourself to one more fall getaway and check out Airbnb while you're planning it. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Haagen Dazs. Okay. It is so important to take some

• 44:23Speaker 00

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• 45:23Speaker 00

  And I think it's so important for especially women listening, like you don't have to beg for crumbs of affection. You do not have to twist yourself into this crazy pretzel to be loved by someone. If someone makes you feel like you're too much, it is highly likely that they are simply not capable of offering you what you need. Again, if you have this attachment, you do need to work on it. But anything in life, choosing a partner is, I don't know any people who came together and they're like, we were perfect when we met each other. It worked so perfectly. Like each person is going to bring their quote unquote baggage. And each person then is going to need to make a concerted effort

• 46:04Speaker 00

  to make sure that, okay, I see what you're struggling with and I'm willing to go the distance to try to help you with it. Again, if someone is not willing to work on themselves, then I agree. Maybe that person isn't going to be right for you at the time because it's not fair to them to put them through you being blindfolded and be like, I'm not fixing my anxious attachment. If I call you every 15 times a day, you better fucking answer. It's like, that's not fair to that person. But if you're making an effort and they're not willing to make an effort, then they're not the right one for you. You are so worthy of a love that feels warm and safe and not like a panic attack. What a concept. Okay.

• 46:43Speaker 00

  I hope that this anxious attachment breakdown could be helpful. I am so aware, again, that this is not a one and done solution, but it will hopefully just help someone to recognize like it can get better. And in a beautiful way, like you are in control of yourself. You weren't in control of your childhood. What happened to you in your childhood was out of your control, but now you're in control. And again, yes, you have to do the inner work on yourself, but the annoying part, but the reality is like, you cannot heal

• 47:22Speaker 00

  attachment trauma entirely in isolation. I know a lot of us wish we could. We, as human beings, heal in relation to others. That's just a fact. And so, one of the fastest ways to just build earned security is to date a secure person. Their consistent predictable calm responses will slowly teach your nervous system that it is safe to let your guard down. Because let me just tell you, okay, the absolute worst, most emotionally exhausting

• 48:02Speaker 00

  pairing for an anxious attachment style is to be with someone who has an avoidant attachment style. In psychology, that matchup is so notoriously toxic. And it's literally, guys, it's so common. This, this, this duo was walking around. It has its own name. It is called the anxious avoidant trap. And to no surprise, it is so annoying to say that those styles are so extremely drawn to each other in the beginning. They are, oh, it is like, boom, you're immediately attracted. But then, once they get close,

• 48:46Speaker 00

  they trigger each other's deepest psychological wounds in a very, very painful self reinforcing loop that is just exhausting. And so, I recognize a lot of you are like, okay, it's not that easy to just like stumble out of my apartment, big Al, and just find a secure attached man or find a secure attached woman. I so, so, so get that. And that's why I do think like, as much as maybe this episode today is relating to you because this is your attachment style, I do think that it's important to be educated on all the attachment styles so that you can be aware, oh, I think I'm dating someone with this and I have this, like, we're gonna,

• 49:29Speaker 00

  we're gonna have friction because my attachment style doesn't jive with his. It's like a way more intense psychological version of when people are like, what's your love language? I'm like, fuck a love language. First, you need to actually know your attachment style and what is your partner's attachment style? Let's see if we can even tango together in that capacity. Cause then like acts of service, we'll get there. Okay. But what is your attachment style? And so, having just spoken to everyone about anxious attachment style and how

• 50:01Speaker 00

  Influence you can be by the avoidant attachment styles. I think that next Sunday session, I am going to dive very deep into avoidant attachment styles. And basically similar today, we can just fully dissect and discuss what is avoidant attachment? And how does it show up in your everyday life? Or how does it impact your life if you are someone who is dating an avoidant? Because when I posted on my social media, asking you guys, for the people who were aware of attachment styles, they were like, hey, Al, um, could you help me just understand, like, will an avoidant ever settle down?

• 50:43Speaker 00

  Will they ever not, you know, be so comfortable to just ghost or disappear? Like, what do I do as a partner to an avoidant? There were a lot of people simultaneously saying, I'm an avoidant and it's ruined a lot of my relationships and I don't know how to break this cycle. And so have no fear, big Al is here. I hope this was helpful. I recognize that there's also so many more dynamics that like I could have been hitting of again, like if you're dating and an anxious person and how do you handle that? But I do think baseline, we covered a good amount for anxious attachment style. Obviously you guys, write any questions into me that you want me to answer.

• 51:25Speaker 00

  And yeah, I hope that this started, obviously as a little bit of a wake up call of like, okay, I've got to lock in, this is pertaining to me. But I really do hope, and I always hope with my Sunday sessions that like, yes, sometimes we're talking about topics that can be uncomfortable and hard to acknowledge. But at the end of the day, facing the hard stuff in life is what's actually going to make your life easier. And as painful as it is in the moment to be like, oh my God, this is what's causing me so much pain. How much relief you get when you can start to identify these patterns and you can start to actually adjust for yourself. Cause that's like my whole thing this year is like, why are we giving people all of

• 52:09Speaker 00

  the autonomy and ability to impact us? Like, life is just so much better. Once you start to be like, it's my life, I have to live with myself, I have to handle this. And so yeah, F my parents for messing me up back then, or F these people who did this to me and da, da, da, da, da. But like, if I keep just complaining about what they did to me, I'm going to sit in this pain for the rest of my life. In order to heal, we can't wait for other people to heal us. We can't wait for apologies. We can't wait for any of that. We literally just have to be like, you know what? I'm going to do it myself. And then it's even more gratifying when you actually do it yourself and you start healing on your own and you're like, oh my God, I didn't need anyone.

• 52:51Speaker 00

  Cause then it completely relinquishes control that anyone else had over your life. And then you actually get to start choosing things that you know you're doing in a clear headed space. You're not picking a partner because they fill this void that you've had since childhood. And you're not just putting up with something because you think that you can't do better. You're going to get so much clarity when you work on yourself and it's a lot of work and it can be really painful. And it's like the classic, it's going to get worse before it gets better. But at least you know it's going to get better. If you just basically blackout and just say, I'm, I don't want to open that can of worms, then you're just, you're stagnant, you're not growing. One day you probably will wake up and want relief.

• 53:32Speaker 00

  And it's like, God, you could have started earlier and you could have been living with happiness sooner. So I hope this was maybe helpful to anyone and I love you guys, obviously. And next Sunday session, yes, will be on more attachment styles. And you guys know the motherfucking drill. I will see you fuckers on Wednesday for a main episode. Goodbye.

• 54:10Speaker 00

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