How To End A Relationship Rut

This week, Alex discusses what it means when you run out of things to talk about with your long-term partner. She breaks down the difference between comfort and complacency, and why novelty, independence, and growing together are key to keeping the spark alive. Alex also shares ways to have better conversations with your partner and how to get curious about each other again. Finally, Alex breaks down how to handle being on a different page than your friends post-grad, and whether or not you can grow emotional intelligence. Enjoy!

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Southern New Hampshire University. Daddy gang, let's get real, okay? We like to make our own rules. Southern New Hampshire University gets it. They let you learn what you want with over 200 career-focused programs, where you want with 100% online courses, and how you want with no set class times. Basically, you get to call the shots from day one. Visit SNHU.edu/callherdaddy to learn more. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Bright by Scotch Bright. Daddy gang, a lot of us obviously take pride in where we live, right? We want the decor to look good and then we want the lighting and the cleaning and all of it. And you want it to look spotless and you want it to look really nice, right?

• 0:43Alex Cooper?

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• 1:27Alex Cooper?

  Like, anyone can buy you something nice, but when someone gives you a gift that is actually meaningful, you appreciate it so much more. And that's what I do love about Pandora. They have so many pieces that you can really just make your own, from festive charms to personalized engravings and jewelry that can represent the people and the moments that mean the most to you. So whether you're shopping for your partner or your mom, your best friend, you can find something that really is specific to them. Maybe it's a charm that makes you think of the trip that you guys took together once, or maybe it's an engraving for your anniversary, or just a piece that feels like them the second you see it. Pandora makes it so easy to get.

• 2:10Alex Cooper?

  Give a gift that feels thoughtful and personal and makes every holiday moment even more meaningful and special because at the end of the day, the best gifts aren't just about the piece itself, but it's the intention and the story behind them. Say more this holiday season with Pandora. Shop now at pandora.net or visit your closest Pandora store. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Uber. Uber just introduced a new feature called Women Preferences, which lets women riders request a woman driver directly in the app. It's honestly an amazing feature that gives women more control over their rides. Sometimes we all just want a ride that feels a little more comfortable and chill. So if you haven't used it yet, Uber's new Women Preferences feature is available now in the Uber app. Learn more on the Uber app.

• 2:54Alex Cooper?

  Daddy gang, welcome back to another Sunday session. I hope everyone had a nice holiday break. I hope you guys got some rest. I don't even know why, but I feel exhausted, even though I should be so relaxed because it was the holidays. So I'm about to crack open an Unwell Energy. Everyone calls this the POG flavor or the P O G flavor. It's Passion Fruit Orange Guava. You can get it, oh, little ASMR. You can get it at your local Target, everyone. I'm obsessed with these. You guys, I didn't really even drink like energy drinks like I think most of my friends do. Like I would have one like once a week or something, but now I'm drinking one every single day because they're so delicious.

• 3:39Alex Cooper?

  Ah, oh my God, that's what I needed. Okay, holiday break. We're back. Also, I feel like New Year's resolutions don't even start until Monday, right? Like, we're fine. Okay, we've got one more day. We can just relax and we can chill before life hits us in the frickin' face. I hope you're all laying on the couch, eating some holiday leftovers. Maybe your screen time is up. It's a beautiful time to be alive. I actually came across a TikTok the other week while I was scrolling that I saved because I wanted to come on here and talk about it with you guys because it got me thinking. The TikTok was essentially a girl asking, please help girls. Like, what are we talking about at dinner with our long-term

• 4:20Alex Cooper?

  partners? And she went on to say that at a certain point, after years of being together, you kind of just know everything about each other. So what the fuck are you gonna talk about? And, you know, I think it's interesting because I will say, like, usually my day-to-day life, Matt and I Don't have enough time to talk about all the things that we want to talk about. Like, we don't run out of things to talk about. We both have really hectic jobs. We're going out, we're meeting new people. We're both so busy with our own routines. And that kind of makes us come together at the end of the day. And it's like, pretty easy, because there's just so much for us to discuss, right?

• 4:58Alex Cooper?

  But I have noticed that, say, we go on like a two-week vacation, which is never, but I guess just happened because it's the holidays. But like, if you are away together, maybe, or things are slowing down, like for the holidays, and you're just together 24/7 at home, let's say. There is a lot less to discuss when you go and sit down for dinner, because you literally just spent the whole fucking day together. You're like, we moved from the couch to outside, and then we took a little five-minute walk to stretch our legs to go rot in bed again. Like, we were together the whole time, we brushed our teeth next to each other. So what do you talk about when dinner hits, right?

• 5:37Alex Cooper?

  And so, as I was scrolling through the comments on this girl's TikTok, I saw a lot of people who were struggling with the same thing. And it can lead to, I think, some feelings of anxiety, right? You're like, am I bored with this person? Should we just turn on the TV during dinner? Like, is there something wrong if we sit in silence? Has the spark died? And while I don't think necessarily that silence is a bad thing, I do feel like it can potentially be a red flag if it's happening all the time. It's great to be so comfortable with each other that like, you can sit in silence. But it is also really easy to become complacent in long-term relationships.

• 6:22Alex Cooper?

  On topics like this, I obviously find it really helpful also to turn to people for advice who have decades more experience than I do. Like, I'm coming to you fresh into like, what, a two-year marriage? Like, yes, Matt and I still have so much to talk about, we're not struggling. So I, I do think that, I think, okay, who would have experience that could really fucking talk about this? And then I think about my parents, who have been together for 40 years. Like, how do you not run out of things to talk about for 40 years? I actually am actually quite fascinated. And so I started doing some good old research, so that we can go down a rabbit hole, right? And just, I wanted to hear from older couples who have dealt with this issue. And you guys?

• 7:07Alex Cooper?

  Let me tell you what I've been up to today. Okay, I ended up on a website called 60 and Me. Okay, this is an online magazine for women who are over 60 years old. So you know, I'm not personally perusing this website often. To be quite frank, I didn't even know this fucking website existed. But let me tell you, they've got some really interesting things to say over here. The conversations that are happening on 60andme.com, this is not an ad. This is just a genuine, thank you 60andme for providing us absolutely hard hitting research. So I came across this article called, Have You And Your Spouse Run Out Of Things To Talk About? By Pam Lamp. And I'm going to read a little bit to you today.

• 7:54Alex Cooper?

  Here we go. In our younger days, I'd watch the older couples next to us in restaurants, and I'd vow we'd never be like them. Those folks who sat across from each other and ate their meals in silence, I'd nudge my husband, we won't be like them. That won't be happening to us. Well, never say never. As we celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary with white tablecloths, soft music, and menus loaded with French dishes, conversation lasted through cocktails. But after we gave our orders to the waiter, we struggled. How had we run out of things to talk about? Before kids and mortgages, our younger selves had a steady stream of thoughts. We couldn't wait to tell each other. Now, we floundered. I wanted more, so we sought

• 8:38Alex Cooper?

  therapy. The therapist we visited did not think we were falling apart. Still, I winced when she used words like complacent and stale and stagnant to describe our relationship. It seems we expected our marriage to hum along in a happy rhythm without a lot of effort or energy on our parts. Our relationship craved a good shot of novelty, like humans are wired to do. We had gravitated towards activities requiring us to stretch ourselves the least. We chose restaurants where reservations and parking spaces were easy to come by. We hung out with those friends we knew the best, the comfortable ones, who were the most like us. But newness, it injects Excitement and passion and brings couples back to life.

• 9:20Alex Cooper?

  Novelty, we discovered, didn't have to be on a grand scale. Cooking new recipes or sipping coffee in a trendy neighborhood, or watching a wildlife documentary all contributed to our relationship's reboot. Nowadays, we are the older couple in restaurants. But we are talking. We converse about the long list of things we want to do and learn, and how we can continue to grow together. Um, I don't know about you guys, but I'm fucking crying. Okay, 60andme, 60andme, coming through. Guys, if you told me OG colored daddy days, like you're gonna be quoting 60andme.com, bitch. I'd think it was like a sugar daddy site. I wouldn't think that it was wisdom, okay? We've come a long way.

• 10:05Alex Cooper?

  And so clearly has this couple. Look at that transition. Basically, she also goes on to say in the article that she talks about how their next date night as a couple was rock climbing together. So you know what? Go, go Pam, okay? We love to see it. I hope you are still thriving with your husband. But what I kind of took from reading this is that as human beings, it is natural for us to drift towards routine and familiarity in our lives. Trust me, I know that it is so much easier on a random Wednesday night to come home to your partner, get your favorite takeout, watch your favorite show that you've seen 19 fucking times, and maybe do your favorite sex position that night. And just like, be like, alright, calling it a night.

• 10:49Alex Cooper?

  Goodnight, sweetie, quick kiss, we're done. And there is nothing wrong with that until it becomes the routine every week for Thursday night, and then Friday night, and then Saturday night. And then suddenly, you look back and you realize you guys have been doing the same activities day after day after day, over and over, because the comfort is a lot easier than trying something different. Over time, if you keep going on like that, of course, you're gonna run out of things to talk about together. Because nothing new or exciting is ever happening between you two, right? But if we can prioritize trying new Things together in a long-term relationship, then I think that spark really does start to

• 11:33Alex Cooper?

  come back to the relationship. So let's say one random Wednesday night, you guys turn off Netflix and go take a cooking class instead. There is now so much more for you to talk about that night, right? When you get home, you're like, babe, what did you think of the class? What was your favorite dish we made? What's the best meal that you've ever had in your life? Oh, my God, live octopus? When did you eat live octopus? Wait a second, you've been to Korea? Like, when you were 12? Oh, my God, why did your family go there? Oh, my God, like, you went with an ex-girlfriend? I'm gonna fucking kill you. Tell me about her. What does she look like? Did you have better sex together? I'm just kidding. Don't go that route. But you know what I'm saying? Like, and then even

• 12:15Alex Cooper?

  at the actual cooking class, you can be flirting, you can be people watching, you can be judging people, you can talk shit, you can have a good fucking time and bond together, right? I think when you and your partner, especially, I was thinking about this when I was preparing for this episode, it's like, when you move in together, it becomes even more important that you two make this a priority. Because it's so easy to be like, oh, you know, we're nesting, we don't need to leave the house to see each other anymore. Like, this is perfect. We love it. Like, yay. But then you're sitting on the couch staring at each other, and it's like, wait, why are we now just the same person doing the same thing at the same time? Like,

• 12:59Alex Cooper?

  what happened here? There is no foreplay of you getting ready and shaving and putting on a cute little outfit to like, go see him. And I think this kind of leads to my next point, because I have to say that, yes, well, trying new things together is so important for the health of your relationship. It is also equally as important that you're trying new things on your own daddy gang. In a relationship, you both need to be continuing to push yourselves individually, to evolve and to change, right? Like, you're not, no, who's interesting if they're not trying to like, become better or change and evolve? Like, and I think it's important to have a commitment to growth from both partners. It's so vital to have long-term

• 13:46Alex Cooper?

  Health for the relationship, if that's, if, if, if that is what you are committed to, I genuinely think you will have a prosperous relationship. And that starts with maintaining your independence. From my experience, I have found that relationships start to get really stale when people become too intertwined in each other's lives. And it's weird because you're like, wait, I thought that's the point of a relationship. And it's like, to a point, like at first it feels sweet, like, oh my God, they're my best friend. We love to do everything together. But then over time, that dynamic can take a toll on the relationship. We all know those motherfucking couples, right? Every weekend, they have the same socials calendar, right? Every dentist appointment, they're by each other's side.

• 14:29Alex Cooper?

  You plan a girls' night, well, you know what? John George Joseph is coming right along. Oh babe, I'm coming. It's like, no, it's just a girls' night. Oh, well, John George Joseph, what the fuck's that? Is coming along, okay? Yes, that's one person. Their hobbies are the same, the shows they watch are the same. And all of a sudden, it's like, they've just become one person. Your social life should not entirely revolve around your partner. I'm not saying a majority can't be. I just think that like, I do think it's beautiful to have shared interests with the person that you are dating or you are married to, absolutely. But it is also necessary to prioritize maintaining your own individuality.

• 15:06Alex Cooper?

  I look back at relationships that I have been in and I wish I had been able to maintain some more independence in those relationships. In one of my past relationships that I ended up getting cheated on, that I recently talked about, my partner's life had just become my life. Our days revolved around his schedule, seeing his friends, watching his movies, discussing his career, doing his favorite things. And I think that's a big reason why it felt impossible for me to leave, even after he fricking cheated on me. Because having your own independence in any relationship is so important.

• 15:45Alex Cooper?

  Outside of just keeping the spark alive, it's also potentially imperative for your safety as a woman. If you stop prioritizing your individual friendships and make all of your friends just couple friends or his friends, who do you turn to for support when you break up? Or when maybe he doesn't have the right opinion. So you're like, oh, I needed a second opinion. Oh, wait, I've alienated myself. I don't have any friends anymore. How do you escape something toxic if you feel isolated to that person? How can you even picture a life outside of your partner if you're trapped fully inside of their world? And I'm not even saying sometimes it is intentional. Sometimes, you guys, this just happens.

• 16:25Alex Cooper?

  And sometimes it's not even a toxic situation. It just creeps up and you all of a sudden look around and you're like, oh, my God, we don't interface with anyone anymore. We're just in our own bubble. And not only is it interesting and sexy when your partner has their own life and friends and hobbies going on, but it's also just healthier overall, especially as women in long-term relationships. I feel like being in a relationship does not mean the self-work just stops. If anything, having a long-term partner is actually the perfect springboard to become even more curious and interested in learning more about the world as a whole. Because you do have someone to go home and bounce ideas off of it and be like, oh, my God, look what I just did.

• 17:08Alex Cooper?

  Like, this is so interesting. And then be getting to share with your partner how fun. You guys fell in love with each other as separate individuals. So you need to continue to grow separately to keep that excitement and intrigue alive in the relationship. Of course, you need to bond. Of course, you need to have commonality. But if you completely lose yourself in the relationship, it's gonna get stale. It's gonna get so fucking boring, guys. So let's say you and your partner prioritize time apart and you prioritize new experiences together, right? Amazing. Great. We're on the right track. Now we're looking for that

• 17:47Alex Cooper?

  final step to make sure that you not only are actually communicating, but you're having good conversations together as long-term partners. I think this is a huge key because sometimes, and I think a lot of times, there's an imbalance in relationships. A lot of times I feel like you'll look at a couple and you're like, one person is more interested in growing and working on themselves and the other person is kind of stagnant. And that is where it gets so complicated because one person is like, babe, come on, let's go, let's do it. And the other person's like, no, like, I don't want to. That's where I think people start to either gain resentment or kind of slowly move apart from each other.

• 18:30Alex Cooper?

  And so I think when you're having conversations, even if let's say you are the one that's going out and being active, the big key to these conversations and keeping them interesting after years of being together is just to start asking each other better questions. And I know that sounds so simple. You're like, oh, no shit, Alex. No, no, no. Maintaining curiosity about your partner and engaging with them in bids for connection is pivotal to keeping that spark alive long-term. Listen, I'm sure all of us have seen that weird trend on TikTok that's like, hey, babe, I saw a bird today. You know what? I need to go do

• 19:13Alex Cooper?

  that to Matt tonight. And basically the girl's going to the boyfriend being like, babe, I saw a bird today. And then you can kind of decide how much the man is like interested in this woman and what she has to say, because a lot of the men are like, What the fuck is wrong with you? Or some of them are like, what color was the bird? What kind of bird? It's like, whatever you say, babe, I'm gonna go along with it because I love you and I actually am interested in whatever you're saying. So ideally, your partner hits you with some fucking questions. Like I just said, like, where did you see the bird? What did it look like? If, and I know this is like the dumbest bare minimum example,

• 19:54Alex Cooper?

  but the point is if they are curious and open to engaging with you on any level of depth, then that opens the floor for more substantial conversation. Let's say you're sitting at dinner in silence, trying to conjure up the strength to be like, where do we start tonight, babe? Just hit him with a few open-ended questions. It's this simple, you guys. Tell me about your workday. Explain your workday to me. What did you do? Tell me about a challenge that you were dealing with at work. Ask about things that you're, okay, I was gonna say genuinely interested in. Maybe you're not genuinely interested in his work, but you're genuinely interested in him and that is his life. And that's what he was going through that day.

• 20:38Alex Cooper?

  So ask him about it. If all of a sudden you guys have these siloed lives where you've kind of just made it like, we don't want to talk about work together. I feel like a lot of people today in our day and age, like, that's a lot of people's lives. So if you have no idea what's going on in your husband or your wife or your partner or your boyfriend, girlfriend's work lives, maybe start to ask it. And you don't have to ask if you don't want, like, if they don't want to talk about the details, totally fine. Did you have a win today at work? Or what was stressing you out? How can I help you? I'm a sounding board, I'm here. Like, try to let them unpack things with you. Also, try to probe them for new stories. Like, even if you have been with this person for what feels like a million years

• 21:21Alex Cooper?

  and you know every freckle on their body, you could draw their fucking tattoos at this point. They're ingrained in your mind, okay? There are still, I promise you, stories that you have never heard from your partner. With Matt, if we are on a, I, we've been Certain vacations where we're like, okay, we've hit week two and like now we're sitting at dinner and we've been talking all day like there's nothing new to talk about. I will hit this man with some of the most random fucking questions I can think of. I am digging into the childhood friends. Tell me more about Jeremy. What's going on with him and his wife? What do you think's going on? Okay. And wait, who did you take to prom? No way. Oh my God. She's stunning. Wait, what did you wear for your, what was your first job?

• 22:03Alex Cooper?

  What did you wear for your first day of work? Do you remember? What did your mom pack you for lunch when you were a kid? Wait, no way. What was your favorite song in college? When was the last time you talked to your brother? What's going on with him? Um, what did you guys talk about? Literally, we will just go back and forth asking each other random shit. On those type of nights where we're like, we kind of are out of shit to talk about. And let me tell you something, it's really fun. Cause there's like a levity to it, but you're also connecting and learning more. Sometimes in the day to day of life, we're so busy with work and family drama and, and finances and friends and family and all that. You don't actually have time to have these dumb fun conversations. And so I would suggest that you also, when there is silence, it can be a good thing where you're like, oh my God, wait babe.

• 22:50Alex Cooper?

  We're both kind of like bored. What a fucking lovely luxury of a concept. Let's have a fun night. Let's play a game. Let's look up a game online and let's sit here and let's ask each other the questions from the game. You know what I mean? It's a privilege almost in moments to get bored with what's going on in the world. Also, I would like to shout out my parents lately because they have been doing this thing once a month that I think is so adorable and cute. And they started it when they were living back in Philly and now they have kept going with it now that they live in LA. And they basically signed up for this speaker series. And basically a speaker comes, whether it's someone who has a book or has a project or just has something like interesting to say.

• 23:34Alex Cooper?

  And then my parents go and it's all over different parts of LA and you'll get the email of where the event's gonna be. And they go to this speaker series together. I'm fucking crying and picturing them in the car together, like excited for their speaker series. And then they sit together, hold hands. I made that part up. I don't know if they do that, but I fantasize they're holding hands. They're watching their speaker series and then they're getting in the car and they go have dinner after and they discuss the fucking speaker. Why is that the cutest thing I've ever fucking heard? Like, my dad is retired recently. Like, they're both acclimating to LA. They, they, they have that newness and now it's settling because they've been here for a few months and their speaker series is like their fun little thing that they do together.

• 24:18Alex Cooper?

  I'm emo. Like, that's the cutest fucking thing, okay? So, it doesn't take you to be in your fucking 60s to go to a speaker series. If shit's getting stale with Robbie, sign up for the speaker series and get downtown and listen to a lecture about feminism and really see if he can fucking hang with you, okay? Because maybe also you should be dumping these motherfuckers if they're getting that bored. The point is, find a hobby that you can actually enjoy together that will also be interesting that you can learn about.

• 24:45Alex Cooper?

  Robbie, okay. Your partner, I think, just to clarify, because I also know people, like nuance is something we have lost in this world and people are like, but what if, what if? Listen, I get that your partner, most of the times, yes, they should be your best friend. And yes, you should know a ton about them. You should share interests and hobbies and you should, of course, enjoy spending ample time together. They should be the person you spend the most amount of time with. But you also need to give each other some space to be your own people and your own person, right? The truth is, in a healthy functioning relationship, silence is not always a bad thing. And I want to be very clear about that. I'm not saying if you're sitting at dinner and there's nothing to talk about, that's always a bad thing.

• 25:29Alex Cooper?

  Sometimes after a long stressful day, nothing actually sounds better than laying on the couch with Matt, leaning back, closing our eyes and sitting together without saying a damn word. Ah, heaven. Being able to sit fully in silence together can be a sign of how close you are and how relaxed you can feel with each other. But my point today is when silence becomes the only option, or it starts to feel lonely, that's when it's a problem. There are going to be silences in your relationship, some that feel good and some that you wish weren't there. That doesn't mean your relationship is doomed, also to clarify. They may just, you know, be a little flag to notice that you need to spend more

• 26:11Alex Cooper?

  time doing your own things or trying something new when you're together. Remember, there's a difference between comfort and complacency. But if you two have grown complacent, you don't need to freak over, "Oh, my God, our relationship's over. We're complacent, babe. We've lost it. Time to move on." No. Curiosity can easily bring the spark back, as long as you are both willing to put the effort in. And that is a huge point, Daddy Gang. If he's not willing to meet you there, you have to also look at that. But if he is, great. Ask good questions, try new things, and enjoy learning about each other again. And to the TikTok girlies out there that were spiraling about this, report back and

• 26:53Alex Cooper?

  tell me if any of this was helpful and worked for you. Let me know if you guys, obviously, have any more questions about this topic. I think it's a good one, right? And I'm sure a lot of people went through ups and downs during the holidays and all the things. And so, yeah, write in. Tell me all of your problems. Tell me all your fears, and Big Al will try her darndest to solve them for you. So with that,

• 27:20Alex Cooper?

  I've got the energy. I think we can go to Paris. I know we haven't been in a while. I want to take you down. I want to put you on a first-class flight. I want to bring you to the Maldives. Then we're going to pop over to Japan. Then we're going to swing back over to London. And then we're going to land in motherfucking Paris. And we're going to do a little something called Questions of the Motherfucking Week. Let's get into it, okay?

• 27:57Alex Cooper?

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• 28:40Alex Cooper?

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• 29:23Alex Cooper?

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• 30:03Alex Cooper?

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• 30:48Alex Cooper?

  This girl and I were really close in our early twenties when we lived in DC and went out together all the time. But she moved to LA and our dynamic naturally shifted. We still talk regularly, but it's surface level and we're in totally different phases now. When she was back in DC for Thanksgiving, she asked to get dinner, which turned into me basically babysitting her all night when she was blacked out at the bar. I don't really drink anymore and the whole night felt off to me. She kept saying things like she felt heartbroken if she's not at my future bachelorette party. And it made me realize she still sees me as a close friend. I'm completely down to be a medium friend because I do think she is a sweet girl and a good person. But how do I walk this friendship back? Oh, you know, I feel like a lot of times on Call Her Daddy,

• 31:32Alex Cooper?

  we have to talk about the pains of long distance, you know? Oh, he's so far away. I can't grab him by the neck and kiss him. Or, oh, my friend's so far, we've lost touch. This? Ah, sweetie, this is the beauty of a long distance friend. You're like, oh, my God, we, we don't see each other as much anymore. We're not as connected. Um, sorry, Tracy, sucks to suck. No, I'm just kidding, but like, not really, like weirdly, it's kind of nice that like, you have this person at like an arm's length and you don't have to deal with them on the day to day. And so when bigger moments come up, like a bachelor party or choosing Bridesmaids, that's kind of your excuse if she does come to you and you can be like, hey,

• 32:15Alex Cooper?

  Tracy, Stacy, Tracy, Rebecca, I don't know. I forget what I said. Um, it's a weird day. Rebecca, Tracy, Stacy, like, listen, like, I, I love you as a friend. I think just like proximity wise, like, we have grown apart because we haven't been able to be as day to day in each other's lives. I still love you and I would love for you. Um, I would assume you want her to come to your wedding, or maybe you don't want her at your wedding. Then obviously that's gonna, you know, you're gonna have to say that. But I think you can just be truthful that like, I think we've grown apart a little bit and I'm totally down to work on our friendship. But I think just like the distance has shifted things. I do think that you though can give her a better idea of this by like, take a little bit longer to text back. Maybe don't answer every time she FaceTimes

• 32:59Alex Cooper?

  you. I don't know if this is me being not direct, like, maybe some people would disagree with this. I guess you could just say to her like, hey, uh, I'm dropping you down to the medium friend category, Carol, and that's just how it's gonna be. So buck up and I'll see you every time I visit DC and don't, or wait, is she in DC? You're in LA. She's in LA. And I won't call you when I'm in LA. I don't know. You have to find your rhythm. But if you really feel like this person is so not on your wavelength with regard to your friendship, or like she's blacking out and she's being kind of weird, maybe this is kind of like the end of a friendship. And that's, I think, where the difference and when I talked about medium friendships, where for you're watching this, obviously, go, um, you can go watch the medium friendship Sunday session. But I do think that

• 33:41Alex Cooper?

  medium friendships do still have a beauty to them. And I worry for you as I'm reading this that I'm like, you're sober, she's getting drunk, you know, it feels like you guys aren't on the same page. And so I'm not saying completely disregard the friendship, but maybe you need to go to a museum together next time. Maybe we're not hitting the clubs, or maybe we're not two tequila shots deep and you're sitting there drinking your fucking spritzer like, I'm sober, Debbie, okay? And you're hammered. Like, we're not on the same page. That's really fucking hard as friends. And again, it's like, we don't have that much time as adults. We really don't. And so to actually have someone visiting and you're going and you're putting an effort in and then to leave, there's nothing worse than when you leave after a friend dinner and you're like,

• 34:26Alex Cooper?

  I feel horrible. Not only was she not great, I literally just wasted a night. And I know it sounds selfish, but it's like when you become an adult, a night off from work or from life is fucking needed for your mental health. So I wouldn't take that for granted. I think you still can prioritize yourself and still pour into the friendship, but there needs to be a rejiggering of boundaries and that is okay. That's the biggest sign it needs to happen is because you are, you know, she looks at me like a very different way than I look at her. Perfect time to reset the boundaries. How you go about that, I think is kind of a personality thing. You could be direct or you can get, let it kind of wean off. I think sometimes if you're the person in the power position because you don't care

• 35:09Alex Cooper?

  as much, you could just start to let it wean off. And then if she comes to you and says something, then you can have a conversation. I don't know, that may be being passive aggressive, but like I'm in a weird mood. So I'm not in the mood for confrontation right now. And if you, if you caught me in 24 hours, I may be like, you're going to sit this girl down. Okay. But right now, girl, fade off into the distance. Okay. Question number two. Hi Alex, my friends and I recently graduated college and moved to the same city. We went to one of the biggest party schools in the nation. And now that we're post grad, it seems like half of my friends are still stuck in college. Despite having real jobs, several of them still go out every night, get blackout drunk, go home with random guys and try to pressure me into drinking. They literally treat the city like a college campus. I've

• 35:53Alex Cooper?

  started to make friends outside of this friend group, but it's hard watching my friends do such immature things. Any advice on what I can do? I'm ready for this next chapter and to leave college behind, but I don't think I'm ready to leave my friends behind. Oh, girl, this is like one of the hardest things because you cannot force your friends to grow up at the same speed as you. And you also have to recognize that they may look at you. The way you're looking at them like, God, she's not being fun like chill out. We just graduated. Like, we don't have to grow up. We're 22. Like, we still have time. We all like, I, so I think it's all perspective

• 36:35Alex Cooper?

  based and I, and I can imagine, let me empathize with you. I can imagine how lonely it is right now that you are, that is your core group. Those are your people, but you have never felt more disconnected from them. That fucking sucks and I acknowledge that. I do think though, if you are pouring into work and you're pouring into maybe not wanting to drink and you're going to yoga classes or you're going to the park on weekends instead in moments, you have to start to try to find more of a community in the areas of life that are making you feel happy. Because I have a feeling then that you weirdly will either one, enjoy your friends on a Saturday and be like, oh my God,

• 37:15Alex Cooper?

  I worked my ass off. I've been doing like coffees and work sessions with new friends and I've been so stressed and I can't wait actually to go hit up One Oak. Is One Oak still alive? I don't know. I can't wait to go to, you know, Bootsy Bellows. That's definitely closed. I don't know any of these places. I'm saying, I can't wait to go to the fucking club and rage my tits off with my friends. And I actually am excited to take shots with them and to do beer bongs and to have a natty light and just to really, you know, throw up and have a crazy fucking night with them, you know, like shit, take my top off and shake my tits in the middle of New York City. We're thriving. Like, maybe you need one of those a month and that's the group you can tap into for that. But for the most part, you're now leaning into Carol at work and she's, she's organized and

• 37:57Alex Cooper?

  she's going to Staples and she's getting organizers and she's got binders and she's got plans. Finn has plans. Do you guys remember that from Grey's Anatomy? Um, she's Finn, okay? And you think you want Derek, but you want Finn right now. You want Finn who's organized and has plans and is there for you and is going to help you grow into the next phase of life. And Derek is the sweet treat that you occasionally bounce back to, but he's not good for you. Okay. If no one has watched Grey's Anatomy on this, you're gonna be like, what the fuck are you talking about? The point is, is you have to find a balance. There are people that also have different life situations. There are people- That's parents are going to be paying for their apartments to move to this new city and they don't have as many responsibilities as you instead of getting angry and upset with

• 38:42Alex Cooper?

  your friends because the only thing I think that's going to do to you is alienate you. I think you just have to reconfigure your expectations of what you want out of that dynamic and how you love them. You just are growing up and your relationship's gonna look a little different and as depressing as that sounds, it's only going to be depressing if you just sit there and watch it all fall apart instead of actively starting to reconfigure your life a little bit. So you're still getting what you need on the day to day. And so your friends are like, oh, I'm gonna meet my friends where they're at. They're degenerates. They're having fun. You know what? I'll pop in once a month and I love them to death. Boom. I miss

• 39:24Alex Cooper?

  going to Staples, you know, I miss going to Staples, getting a fresh new notepad, maybe buying like something I know I'm never gonna use. Oh, my God, remember those five star like multi-pronged organizers? Like you'd have social studies and then you'd have, you know, math. I always wanted to be an organized bitch and then I just never took a fucking note in my life. All right. Oh, that's for another time. Um, okay. Next question.

• 40:09Alex Cooper?

  Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Airbnb. Okay, I am well into my third trimester now, so I haven't really been able to travel because I need to stay close to my doctor, but spending all this time at home has made me start thinking about all the places that I want to go. Once the baby is here, I have literally been sitting on my couch with the TV on scrolling through Airbnb and planning trips. I am nowhere ready to take yet, but suddenly my vacation priorities, I will say are completely different. Like, does the house have enough bedrooms? Is there a big kitchen? Does the furniture look baby safe? Or is every table covered in, you know, sharp corners? And obviously, we need an extra room for my mom,

• 40:52Alex Cooper?

  who has already made it very clear that she will not be leaving my side. She's like, I got you. I'm the babysitter. Okay. And now that it is October. I'm picturing cooler weather, cozy sweaters. Oh my God, maybe a little cottage where we can escape for a little weekend. That's what I love about booking a home on Airbnb. Whether you're traveling with family, friends, or your partner, everyone has space to relax while still being together. Even if you're traveling for a concert or a game, you have one place where everyone can get together and convene after. Before the holiday season gets busy, treat yourself to one more fall getaway and check out Airbnb while you're planning it. This is a paid ad by BetterHelp.

• 41:34Alex Cooper?

  So anytime that I am finding myself having a habit that I just cannot kick, I'm like, okay, I need to talk about this in therapy. Listen, guys, everyone has habits, mindsets, or patterns that don't serve them. But recognizing what they are and learning how to let them go can be so important. It's literally the first step towards creating meaningful change. And therapy with BetterHelp, one of the leading online therapy platforms, can be a space to explore where those patterns come from and develop healthier habits and mindsets for a more fulfilling life. With over 30,000 therapists worldwide, BetterHelp has served millions of people globally. BetterHelp makes it easier to fit therapy into your routine with flexible ways to connect that work for different schedules and lifestyles.

• 42:17Alex Cooper?

  Plus, BetterHelp therapists have at least three years and 1,000 hours on hand experience and hold all required education, training, and certifications. You can meet with a range of professionals from marriage and family therapists to social workers and counselors. So Daddy Gang, if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com/daddy. That's betterh-e-l-p.com/daddy. Guys, things are going off the rails. It's also getting a little hot in here, so I'm sweating, but I have like a nine pound sweater on and I have nothing underneath. So we're not doing that for views today.

• 42:59Alex Cooper?

  Um, okay. Hey Daddy, I'm a junior in college dating a guy who's two years older than me. Let me get one thing straight. I'm a crier and I'm proud. I've always been in touch with my emotions and easily able to communicate about them. The same is not true for my boyfriend. He told me that he's only ever cried once in his life when his dog died seven years ago. Oh, Jesus. Okay. I know men can be less emotional than women, but I find that low key shocking. Is this a red flag? I mean, crying, I don't think is a red or green flag. Like, if he's not crying often, I think it's okay.

• 43:40Alex Cooper?

  You know, maybe it just takes a lot to like wa- wind up a tear, you know? Maybe his body is just not like ticking that way. Um, and especially since you are such a crier, like you said, like you're kind of going based off of like the extreme and he's on the other end of it. So you're really kind of like looking for him to be like, what's wrong with you? I think the bigger red flag is, does he express his emotions? I don't give a fuck if a man is gonna cry, okay? Um, I care if he's unable to tap into his emotions. I care for you that if you're having a vulnerable conversation with him and you're coming to him genuinely wanting to have an honest, open conversation about something in your life that you're struggling with,

• 44:22Alex Cooper?

  or in your relationship that you want to try to work on, and he's sitting there stone cold Bert, and Bert's like, uh huh? And you're like, and so I just feel like you don't see me anymore and we haven't been connecting and like, you're never there Bert, you're always in the video games, you're always in the tech, you're always in the whatever. And Bert's like eating the chip like, yeah, I see what you're saying, Michaela. And you're like, Bert? Bert, you're looking for him to muster up a tear? No, fuck the tear. If anything, the tear could be crocodile tears, performative tears. Fucking Bert is all of a sudden gonna realize, oh, you just want a tear? And then I like, I'm good for the fucking month that I like filled your cup with emotion?

• 45:06Alex Cooper?

  But what is he saying? What is the substance? Okay? That's what I think you can focus on is actually what is this man saying or doing? If he is so emotionally in tune, which I'm, I'm gathering, what the, who the fuck are we kidding? I'm gathering this motherfucker's not, because now that I'm thinking about it, if this man was holding your hands and able to meet you in the highest EQ capacity, this man's emotional intelligence is off the roof. It's off the charts. This man should be studied. This man should go in to fucking be a therapist because he is, he, he's in it with you. We're, we're locked in. He's one on one. He's like in that shit with you. You wouldn't be writing in, right? So I can feel Michaela, you've got your answer.

• 45:46Alex Cooper?

  What you're not missing that he's not crying and that's not what freaking you out. You're lacking emotional connection and depth. And

• 45:56Alex Cooper?

  here's what I will say because I'm in a weird mood today. And you know what? Again, ask me in 24 hours and I may have a different opinion. But the hard truth, I think I will tell every woman and man, I guess, is

• 46:10Alex Cooper?

  I don't personally believe that emotional intelligence and depth is something that will significantly or even at all be gained during the course of you in a relationship with someone. I think if you meet someone on a date and you're like, I, everything's great. I just don't know if like, he's like emotional intelligence is there or like, yeah, he's like, if, if like the emotionally we connect on the like deeper like EQ level. I hate to break it to you because I recognize there's potentially a lot of women out there because trust me, I've been in that relationship where like, no, he's going to grow.

• 46:53Alex Cooper?

  Growing is different than like emotionally being intelligent, emotionally being in tune, emotionally being able to like regulate and recognize when someone needs you to be comforting them and recognizing, oh, this dynamic is happening. I'm going to actually provide very like emotionally sound advice because I'm an emotionally intelligent person. If you are dating someone that you're like, I just don't feel like it's there. I don't think it's ever going to get there. Now, the, the outliers could be they have trauma and they just needed to get into therapy to break through that and to like work through dissociation and to work through

• 47:32Alex Cooper?

  the like suppression of the emotions that they have not acknowledged for their whole life. And now, once it's all coming up, they're now able to actually now start to self-regulate where they can participate in conversations like this. But my fear is that it's like one of a million. If you do not think your boyfriend is emotionally intelligent enough.

• 47:57Alex Cooper?

  That's never gonna change. And so you have to make a decision for yourself then. If you are happy with a relationship that you may need to be going to more outside people in your life for emotional support and advice. When you are going through something emotional with a parent or something, you may not feel like you're ever getting the answers from your boyfriend. And it's not even like we need answers from them. We just need someone to like be able to fucking regulate and be like, yes, I understand you. I see what you're saying. I think in this moment, this obviously happened and you're feeling this way because of this. If your boyfriend can't do that for you and he's like, yeah, oh God, okay.

• 48:42Alex Cooper?

  So are we like still gonna go to their house for dinner on Friday? And you're like,

• 48:49Alex Cooper?

  I don't know, Frederick. I don't know if we're going on fucking Friday because I just told you that my mother brought up my fucking eating disorder again that she has fucking been enabling since I was five years old and I'm struggling because I can't look my mom in the fucking face because I want to rip her fucking face off. And how that makes me feel is so infuriated. And he's like, oh, so should we not do dinner? Should we just do drinks? And you're like, oh my fucking God. And then you're like, do you even know I struggle with this? And he's like, well, I've like sometimes seen you like at dinner, like, like move your and you're like, oh my God. That is never going to change, girlfriend.

• 49:27Alex Cooper?

  You are never, ever, ever, ever going to feel emotionally held, supported and seen by someone who does not have that on day one. I'm sorry, I would love people in the comments to argue with me because I think EQ is one of those things that you're born with. And then yes, you can build it. But it ain't fucking easy and it ain't quick. It's gonna take a long time. This motherfucker could be 70, okay? And the light bulb just goes off when he's 70. Do you wanna wait till 70 to have him recognize and see you for all your worth? Ditch Frederick and hit up Josh, okay?

• 50:11Alex Cooper?

  Okay, Josh, I can see it now. Josh has got the wisdom. Josh has got the IQ and the EQ. Josh is fucking cruising. Frederick is a fucking loser. Okay, guys, some things in the air today.

• 50:39Alex Cooper?

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• 51:22Alex Cooper?

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• 51:55Alex Cooper?

  Um, I think that's it for today. I think the more I keep going, I'm gonna start spiraling. I'm kind of like running on no sleep and this energy drink is like making me feel alive and I'm like, "Let's fucking go." Um, but I also want to be, you know, realistic about my advice to you guys, because I always want to keep it real. Um, also, if I, you know, didn't answer some of your questions this week, I have so many more that are coming every Sunday session. Please write in and send in your questions. I think the overall arching, uh, topic for today was growth. Yeah, it's growth. It's from the beginning of this episode, talking about like wanting to grow, wanting to be a better person, wanting to learn, actually having like an, like an interest in the

• 52:36Alex Cooper?

  world and yourself and your partner and life is so important. And when you feel like you're getting stagnant, that's a bad thing, but it doesn't mean it's the end of the world. But if then you try to progress and be a better person and a better version of yourself and learn more about the world and experiences in yourself and your partner is holding you down, I think that's something that you need to look inward at because life is only gonna get more boring. Like as you get older, there's less to do, right? There's more sitting around. So you better be really fucking happy with the person that you're sitting around with. Okay. Well, I love you guys.

• 53:16Alex Cooper?

  Again, shameless plug, Unwell Energy is officially at Target. I don't know if you guys have seen my, um, little marketing push for this. I basically have like been making these insane short videos that I got to put wigs on and it's basically like everything I could have dreamt up as a kid, getting budget to just like play with wigs and dress up. And I had so much fun with the campaign and Unwell Energy is officially out now. And I totally understand that probably a lot of women watching this have been drinking Alani New or Celsius. And I get it. I get it. But unfortunately, I need to shit on them for a second. You don't want to put sucralose in your body, which is chlorinated, um, sugar. It's disgusting and it's horrible for you and you're probably closer to

• 53:57Alex Cooper?

  getting cancer than getting energy. So drink Unwell Energy because we have no sucralose in it. We have no artificial. Flavors. This is, uh, Big Al's got you covered, baby. So drink up, go to Target, and I love you guys and happy Sunday session. This is gonna be a good year. This is gonna be a good year for us. I can feel it. I feel like even the way that you guys are writing questions, I feel like it's so fun when you start to be like, I think I kinda know the answer, but I just wanted to ask Father really quickly. And I'm like, oh bitch, you didn't need me. You knew exactly who that motherfucker is. You read him to filth and you now just wanted me to like, you know, memorialize it in a podcast that you could be like, hm, I was right. You guys always know. It's always in our gut. A woman's intuition is

• 54:40Alex Cooper?

  never wrong. I think what's beautiful about Sunday sessions and what we've done here is like, getting to talk through things that maybe you're sitting and you're ruminating on by yourself is extremely important that I wanna be there for you guys because, trust me, a lot of the shit you guys write in, the reason that I'm able to respond is because I've also personally been through it. And so I love you guys so much and you know the motherfucking drill. I will see you fuckers on Wednesday. Goodbye.

• 55:30Alex Cooper?

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• 56:14Alex Cooper?

  time depending on my outfit, it's going to be kind of dependent on what jewelry I'm wanting to wear that day. Discover Pandora Talisman, a new collection designed to help you express every side of who you are, because the most powerful statement you can make is being yourself, obviously. Daddy gang. They have meaningful zodiac symbols and personalized jewelry pieces. Each design tells a story that's uniquely yours, a reflection of what you stand for, what you believe, and how you choose to show up every day. Pandora Talisman, a new language of self-expression, because every version of you deserves to be seen. Shop new styles in-store or online at pandora.net.

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