Begin Again Moments: How To Communicate When Love Gets Hard

In this episode of Begin Again Moments, we explore how better communication can help couples navigate conflict and find their way back to each other. Relationship therapist Karen Doherty and relationship expert Paul C. Brunson join Davina McCall to share practical advice for navigating arguments, understanding your partner’s triggers and communicating with more kindness, honesty and empathy. Karen explains why seemingly small frustrations can become emotional triggers in a relationship, how repeated arguments can slowly wear away at intimacy, and why choosing the right moment for difficult conversations can make all the difference. Paul explores how couples can rebuild struggling relationships through therapy, self-reflection and better communication. He shares a simple but powerful way to approach conflict: instead of seeing an argument as you versus your partner, learn to see yourselves as a team facing the problem together. Both conversations offer hopeful, practical relationship advice for anyone wanting to feel closer, communicate better and protect the love that’s still there. To hear the full conversations, watch the complete episodes on YouTube or listen wherever you get your podcasts. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• 0:02Speaker 00

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• 0:30Speaker 01

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• 1:00Speaker 02

  What other kind of triggers can people go through? Because you said, like, people often have five. You know, like, old, past, like, hangups that they carry through. I mean, after abuse or something like that?

• 1:13Speaker 03

  Yes, but they're not sort of the day-to-day triggers. They are, they're sort of more deeply embedded and they live, they live there all, all the time. They, they need work. The triggers that I'm talking about are the sort of ones that get, you know, stupid triggers, like leaving the dishwasher, for example. You know, how many times have people mentioned the dishwasher?

• 1:34Speaker 02

  Oh, really?

• 1:34Speaker 03

  Oh, my God, how many times I do the dishwasher and then he or she comes and changes the dishwasher and it, and off they go in the kitchen. Why do you have to do that? Why can't you just leave it? I mean, it's a trigger. Because there's a need for order. There's a need for order in one mind that is not the same as the order in another mind. Let it go.

• 1:54Speaker 03

  But people can't, they get triggered.

• 1:56Speaker 02

  But I was just gonna say, like,

• 1:59Speaker 02

  you know, have you had people going, well, that's easy for you to say, but it drives me fucking mad? Like, how can you get out of that?

• 2:05Speaker 03

  Well, then we have to talk about where's your capacity to tolerate? What, what, come on, let's have a think about. What, what, how do, how do you make this environment, this couple environment, more, more able to tolerate both of you? Come on, you've, we've all got quirks. We're all different. We've all got these little bits and pieces. Where, how do we meet? How do we get to acceptance of those without them being triggers? Without them, you know, understanding, actually. Do you know, I'm not gonna say that now because it just come in. I will, that, give him 10, give him, you know. Or, oh, it's that time of the month, so I know that she's not feeling very well. And I won't mention that today. I'll do it later. Maybe I'll go and get a bunch of flowers, something. Just having an awareness of each other's triggers actually de-escalates so often

• 2:49Speaker 03

  what could have become something ridiculous. And the, the point is, those escalations within a couple, they are, they're exhausting.

• 2:59Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 3:00Speaker 03

  And they wear away at the very, they wear away at the patience of the couple. They wear away at the tolerance. And then you've got this again. That's when the, the couple just starts to move away from each other because they can't be bothered. But if there is an intention to sort of find out, actually, what, what, what, what can I do not to trigger? Let's think about that. I mean, I have people sort of, if they've had a bicker, if they've had a bicker, you know, separate, and then the next day, can we have a process conversation?

• 3:32Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 3:33Speaker 03

  Can you tell me, please, exactly what it was that triggered you?

• 3:37Speaker 02

  Okay, yes.

• 3:38Speaker 03

  Because I don't want to do that again.

• 3:40Speaker 02

  Oh, wow, so that's so nice. Because that's saying, I know I triggered you. I don't want to do that again.

• 3:47Speaker 03

  I don't want to do it. Yeah, please, just tell me.

• 3:49Speaker 02

  That's such a nice way of coming about it, rather than go, you triggered me.

• 3:52Speaker 03

  No, no, no, no, no. I did it.

• 3:54Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, that's great.

• 3:55Speaker 03

  I did it, please, please. What, what, what was it? Just tell me. I don't want that to happen to us. And if I know, then maybe I can avoid it. And that really works.

• 4:05Speaker 02

  And also, I think if somebody said that to me, I'd be so appreciative. I'd go, oh, thank you for...

• 4:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, couples like it. They like it.

• 4:13Speaker 02

  Thinking about that.

• 4:14Speaker 03

  They're starting to get to know each other again. Because don't forget, with the general, I don't know, life,

• 4:23Speaker 03

  it's too busy. People don't get, they, they get to know each other. You know, they're together before the kids come along and they know, they know each other then in this wonderful, you know, full flows of limerence and free.

• 4:35Speaker 02

  Do whatever you want, spontaneity.

• 4:37Speaker 03

  Yes, spontaneous sex happens all the time, man, yeah.

• 4:40Speaker 02

  Everywhere.

• 4:40Speaker 03

  Everywhere. Nobody, nobody's thinking about it.

• 4:44Speaker 02

  But don't worry, when your kids leave home, it all happens again.

• 4:47Speaker 03

  It does. I've got lots of people that, you know, really, really, they can rekindle after that. You know, they can get back to normal. But yes, that's, yeah, it's, it's that sort of, it's getting to know each other, keeping in touch with each other. Well, have you developed that cough? Where did that come from? Is that that vape? What are you doing? How is it, is that, is that good for you? Or I know you're trying to give up.

• 5:09Speaker 02

  That feels caring, right?

• 5:11Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 5:11Speaker 02

  It's not like lecturing?

• 5:13Speaker 03

  No.

• 5:13Speaker 02

  That's coming from love?

• 5:14Speaker 03

  No, from love. Yes, the, the nagging, that's, you know, that sort of constant, constant repetition, that doesn't necessarily have to happen. There can be a different way of communicating. Because those, those, those

• 5:32Speaker 03

  all the time just wears away at the fabric of the, the bond.

• 5:36Speaker 02

  It's exhausting as well.

• 5:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, it can be, it can be. You know, that, when you wake up the next day and that's been...

• 5:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, and you open your eyes and it's like, oh.

• 5:45Speaker 03

  Oh, here we go again. We've done this.

• 5:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:47Speaker 03

  I'm another, that's another rule that I have. No talking at night. No, no deeper meaningfuls at night. No.

• 5:53Speaker 02

  Oh, no deeper meaningfuls in the bed?

• 5:54Speaker 03

  No deeper meaningfuls in the bed, otherwise they're...

• 5:57Speaker 02

  Oh, wow, okay. Well, I guess then the bed becomes a hostile place.

• 6:02Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 6:02Speaker 02

  Or not a hostile, but you know, like a, not, not a sexy place.

• 6:06Speaker 03

  Not a sexy place, not a kind place. It can discombobulate, those deeper meaningfuls. Somebody's tired.

• 6:12Speaker 02

  So something needs to hap, like, if you're gonna have a deeper meaningful, you need to make an appointment in a different room.

• 6:17Speaker 03

  Make an appointment, come on, emotional check. Let's go somewhere else.

• 6:19Speaker 02

  Let's sit down.

• 6:19Speaker 03

  Yeah. Had this on, with Ben Branson on the Hidden 20%. He said, well, I can't go to bed if the argument is still live. And I said, but what about your wife? She's got three kids all day. She can't have a deeper meaningful at 11 o'clock at night? No, that can't happen. I wasn't happy about it, but he did, you know, he took it on.

• 6:37Speaker 02

  But he saw it.

• 6:38Speaker 03

  Actually, do you know, I've always been told that you can't go to bed on an argument, but actually, perhaps sometimes it's better to leave it until everybody's fresh.

• 6:49Speaker 03

  And not take it into that bedroom.

• 6:56Speaker 00

  The action's on the court. And as the official beer sponsor of the NBA, Michelob Ultra is getting fans closer to the game with a chance to win courtside seats, merch, and more. Visit michelobultra.com/courtside to enter. Michelob Ultra Courtside, 26 to 27. No purchase necessary. Open to U.S. residents 21+. Begins on October 1st, 2026 and ends on June 30th, 2027. Multiple entry periods. See official rules at michelobultra.com/courtside for free entry, entry deadlines, prizes, and details.

• 7:24Speaker 01

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• 7:54Speaker 02

  There must be a, a percentage of people that are dissatisfied but would love to try and make it better. They still love that person. These are people where, I always talk about love like a pilot light. You meet someone, the flame is really strong, right? And it's burning hot and you're like hot and passionate and it's all new and everything. And through life, you know, it can go down and go up and go down and go up. But towards the end of a relationship, it goes down really, really low and it's very fragile. And at some point, one of you, or maybe both of you do it at the same time, but you just go, whoo. And it's gone. And it's literally like, light goes out, pilot light's gone, it's gone.

• 8:37Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 8:37Speaker 02

  But if it's still there and, and you wanna make, you wanna make it go, like you wanna make it go of it, like what can, what can you do to save your relationship?

• 8:46Speaker 04

  So, there's a couple of places. One, I'm always going to say this, is counselling, therapy, incredibly important. It is accessible and there are many forms of therapy, many forms.

• 9:01Speaker 02

  Can you tell me a few?

• 9:02Speaker 04

  Absolutely. So, therapy, as I describe it, means healing. It is healing. Healing can come from different sources. So therapists are incredibly brilliant at this. But you can also be healed by a councillor, which is slightly different than a therapist, by a coach, slightly different than a therapist, by a great friend, by a mediator, by a pastor at a church. All of these represent therapy. But you know what also represents therapy? Sitting down, watching a YouTube video together, listening to a podcast.

• 9:36Speaker 02

  Yes, I mean, that's quite a new type of way of, and I don't think people in midlife in their forties and fifties would necessarily think of that straight away. That's a brilliant idea.

• 9:45Speaker 04

  Yeah. And the thing about this is that, sitting down, watching a podcast together on any relationship topic as a partnership and then discussing it, means that you are now on a pathway to managing the problem. So that is therapy, right? You're working on the tools to manage the problem, that's healing.

• 10:06Speaker 02

  And if, and if both of you are prepared to do that, I think, you know, you, you might look at your partner and go, wow, look, they're, they're willing to come to this with me.

• 10:15Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 10:15Speaker 02

  Thanks. Already you're winning, right?

• 10:18Speaker 04

  Already, already you're winning. That is a quick step and that is a high return from the quick step.

• 10:24Speaker 02

  Right.

• 10:25Speaker 04

  So that's incredibly important. Another area is the individual work. And a lot of people don't automatically think about that because they're in a relationship and they say, okay, well, the problem is actually what my, my partner's behaviour, it's not mine. But sometimes we don't realise how our behaviour, I'll just say, impacts our partner. And either increases their willingness to continue to act like an asshole to us.

• 10:55Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 10:56Speaker 04

  Or decreases that, or mitigates that. And so, understanding how we show up, why we show up, is incredibly important. And part of that analysis can be done simply by asking your partner to give you feedback. How many of us have turned to our partner to say?

• 11:13Speaker 02

  I don't think I've ever done that. How did I do that?

• 11:16Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 11:18Speaker 04

  How did I do in that? The only time that ever comes up sometimes is after sex, people will say, well, how did that work for you, right? But how about, how about just, if you were having a disagreement, you know, and I say an argument, right? And to then, literally the next day, say, you know, had, did you find that, was I fair in that? Or, or was I not?

• 11:43Speaker 02

  That's so healthy, isn't it? Like, how lovely, wow.

• 11:46Speaker 04

  It's, it's, it's a game changer.

• 11:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 11:48Speaker 04

  I, for years, thought I was the most fair. I was like, this is what I do.

• 11:54Speaker 02

  That's so fair.

• 11:55Speaker 04

  I was like, I, when it comes to these, with, with my wife, Jill, I, I am the best person to have an argument with, you know what I mean? The best. And there was a moment where I asked, I was like, okay, Jill, what do you think? And she said, you know, I find that you're unkind in these, in these arguments.

• 12:12Speaker 02

  But that's such a brilliant way to word that, because it's not saying you're unkind. She's saying, this is how I perceive you.

• 12:20Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 12:20Speaker 02

  So it's not like, you're, you're not gonna get defensive. I mean, obviously you know each other very well, but she's said that brilliantly.

• 12:26Speaker 04

  Yeah. She, the fact that she said, in these scenarios.

• 12:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:29Speaker 04

  What she did is actually textbook. One is that psychology is her background too. So she, she.

• 12:35Speaker 02

  She knows what she's saying.

• 12:35Speaker 04

  She, she's really good, is that she, she, she used a technique that is very effective. And that is, is that typically when we enter a disagreement, any person, you look at it as you, you versus your partner. This is how we typically look at it. But instead, I would say, reframe, and this will change your every argument. And that is, it is you, it is your partner, against the issue.

• 13:05Speaker 02

  Brilliant. You're not against each other?

• 13:07Speaker 04

  No, no, no, no.

• 13:07Speaker 02

  You're dealing with this thing over here.

• 13:08Speaker 04

  It's this thing over here that, that we're dealing with.

• 13:10Speaker 02

  But visually, that's so helpful.

• 13:12Speaker 04

  Yeah, visually, it, it is over here, you are here, I am here, and we are on the same team.

• 13:17Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 13:18Speaker 04

  And we're combating this thing. And what that does is it begins to reframe and it helps you understand that you're not under attack.

• 13:26Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 13:26Speaker 04

  You're not under attack. And not only are you not under attack, that you have the support of, of your partner. And so, she was able to do that, which, which, which is brilliant. But getting feedback is incredibly important, I think.

• 13:39Speaker 02

  How did you take it?

• 13:41Speaker 04

  Oh, I, then you're, then I'm open.

• 13:44Speaker 02

  Right.

• 13:44Speaker 04

  To, to receiving it, because.

• 13:46Speaker 02

  You asked, because you asked, so you know that you're gonna get something back.

• 13:50Speaker 04

  This is true. This, this is true.

• 13:52Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 13:52Speaker 04

  This is true.

• 13:53Speaker 02

  But, but, cause some people go, what do you mean? Like, how do you not get defensive?

• 13:56Speaker 04

  Jill's deliveries are spectacular, cause she also uses the whole crap sandwich delivery too, where she'll start positive, she'll add something constructive in the middle.

• 14:07Speaker 02

  Then dump the crap?

• 14:08Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's the crap. The crap is in the middle.

• 14:10Speaker 02

  The crap's in there.

• 14:10Speaker 04

  Crap is always that gooey stuff.

• 14:12Speaker 02

  And then finish with the.

• 14:13Speaker 04

  Then you finish with something nice. So it's like the bread, the bread is the nice stuff and the crap is in the middle. And she packs it in.

• 14:19Speaker 02

  That's so funny.

• 14:20Speaker 04

  Hands it over. Yeah.

• 14:22Speaker 01

  When fall comes back around, there's a sense of a reset. And new pieces from Lululemon's Fall Drop are an inspiration to push your goals and elevate your routines. As your calendar fills, easy-to-layer styles meet the demands of your day. And as you challenge yourself to try even more, versatile sets transition with you. The Lululemon Fall Lineup brings new levels of comfort and confidence, whether you're starting something fresh or starting something over. Check out the latest arrivals in store and on lululemon.com now.

• 14:53Speaker 05

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