Bad Friends
Hosted by Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee
Original podcast
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13,749 words · 7 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
Oh, you two are something.
We're bad friends.
I'm running out of air.
Yeah, I was already out. I was already out.
I didn't even have a collective.
Yeah, do it again, dude.
Ready?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh.
Well, this is out. This is out.
I had my eyes closed.
No, okay.
Because I couldn't breathe.
Your sky and fire keeps going.
I really liked it. Let's do it one more time.
Right, but I want to keep your eyes with it. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Dude, we're like a barbershop quartet.
Yeah.
That's real. That was incredible.
Also, I heard you laugh in the middle of it, too.
It sounded so beautiful to me. You kept the tone.
It was very good.
That was great.
Well, welcome back.
Welcome back, Harder. And let me say something. That's when you said, but don't say welcome back again. Because I think, I think welcome back.
Welcome back.
Yeah, yeah. Number one, I want to say we got back from Australia. And my sleep schedule is so wickily. No, yesterday I woke up at five. Today I woke up at three. You know what I mean? Carlos looks confused and dazed. Are you dazed? Yes. Or confused? Both? Both. Yeah.
It's a great movie.
And, yeah, it was a great movie. And I just.
Kangaroo balls there?
No.
Yeah. Yeah, kangaroo ball.
Petrified.
I'm petrified holding them. That's real?
They're heavy.
It's pretty heavy, yeah.
Sorry for fondling your kangaroo balls.
No, no, no. It's what I like. No, they're heavy because the.
We're getting it.
We're getting it. Yeah, we're gonna be doing that quite frequently on this podcast.
Oh, and I brought this.
For the studio.
Oh, whoa.
A boomerang.
I'll throw it to you. But hey, can you edit this so it looks like it comes back to me?
Nice.
It works.
Let me see it.
Okay, you're for real. I'll throw it to you.
All right, end over end.
Have you tried it? In public?
No, I just knew it would work. It's the first time I've thrown it.
Oh, you guys ready?
Is there a way to throw it that'll come back?
Right here.
Really?
If you throw it like that, it does, then, because it flattens out.
You know what it is, dude? You're such a know-it-all.
He does. He knows everything.
He knows everything. It drives me crazy.
Why'd you ask me then? Why, why do you ask me so many questions then if you don't want to know the answer? Because you know I got the answer.
I know you got the answer.
This is gonna break something.
Look at McConaughey, he's the most scared.
Don't go hard.
Because when I go like this, it's gonna naturally go sideways. You know that, right?
Oh, my God.
Stop, stop.
That's it.
So what's your sl- what are your, how's your sleeping?
And saying it's terrible. I can't believe you're doing spots. I had a spot at midnight and I, first time in my life, canceled it.
Saturday night. I didn't do it one Saturday. I can't.
I told you that was a bad.
No, no, I went.
I thought you.
Yeah, I went, I went, I went.
And you went Monday.
I went Monday, yeah, not tonight.
And tonight?
No, not tonight.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow, yeah, yeah. Um, so what time you been sleeping?
I've been trying to go to bed at night, but I stay awake till like 4 a.m. and then I, I still wake up at 9 a.m. and then I am tired all day.
It's rough. What about you?
I'm good.
I know you are.
I knew you would be good.
I'm good because I did the exact pattern I told you.
Oh, my God. It's gonna drive me crazy, that pattern. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
The funniest part is, I literally said, when we fly to Sydney.
He, he, this is what.
I did the pattern.
Everyone that's listening, this is what he does. This is what he does, okay?
Because he's Mr. Know-it-all, okay?
That's my new name, Mr. Know-it-all.
Mr. Know-it-all, dude, right?
But it's Mr. N-O, Mr. No.
Mr. Know-it-all.
And so Mr. Know-it-all, he, obviously, we do a group meeting.
We do.
When he has his little TED Talks, right? And he goes, this is what we need to do, right?
They're TEDx's.
Yeah, yeah. So he goes, so he says, um, all right, from, all right, so from Perth to Australia, right? Don't sleep at all.
We were in the airport.
We were in Australia.
Oh, yeah, yeah, Perth to Sydney. Sorry. From, but, okay. That's another know-it-all thing you just said.
You could've let it go, but you didn't.
Dude, I'm Mr. Know-it-all.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, alright.
That's my gig.
Alright, so from Perth to Sydney, don't sleep it up, which is like a four and a half hour flight.
Four hours, yeah.
What did I do?
Slept the whole time.
The whole time.
I stayed awake the whole time.
Because when he says something to do, I go the opposite.
Smart.
I wanna, I'm Mr., I'm know-it-alls nemesis.
Wait a minute.
I'm Mr. Know-it-all, you're Mr. No-it-all. That's Mr. No.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what it is.
Right, so I say no. I slept the whole way, right?
Smart, yeah, good for you.
And then...
Like a fucking idiot, you stayed up the entire flight home.
I did, yeah.
Fifteen hours?
Watch me, watch me. I said, stay up on the first leg, on the second leg, eat the dinner, and then last as long as you can to match up with the LA clock, and go to bed, because then it'll be nighttime. Then when you wake up, it'll be noon in LA, when we wake up and get to LA, but it'll actually kinda be our sleep schedule, we'll think it's like ten, nine or 10 a.m., which I go, that'll work perfectly. I took, I was up during the meal, I see him, I watch across the aisle, he's on his iPad, and you can hear him.
I can hear him laugh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then I go to bed, right? I wake up from bed, feeling good, take a piss, he's still up, still on his iPad, and I know he hasn't fallen asleep.
Still giggling.
In the exact same position. Ha ha ha!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Exact same position. Then, I go back again, I'm stretching a little bit, I'm thinking, he probably is asleep now. Wide awake.
Wide awake.
Not one hour of sleep on 15-hour flight. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! And now what's happening?
I can't sleep.
I know, see, I told you.
So, um, well, you were right, but I refuse.
Right, good for you.
Right.
Right, you should, I would rather...
And here's another thing that...
I would rather, you know what? I'd rather this for you. I like this.
I know you do. And here's another thing that I did.
What, a long time ago, you and I went bowling.
Right? And you tried to teach me how to bowl.
That's right, yeah.
And I refused.
That's right.
But then when we went to Sonny's birthday party.
Right? Um, Charles Melton taught me exactly what you taught me, but I listened to what he said.
Good.
You remember?
Right? And I started bowling correctly, right? And I looked at you, and I think you were a little upset by it.
Yeah, a little bit.
So it's like, you know, I re, like, if he teaches me something, I refuse to listen. But if it's like, anybody else, right, with the same knowledge, because he has all, he's Mr. Know-it-all, right?
But I don't know why that is. Why is that, you think?
Uh, because you resent the fact that I'm younger than you, but know more than you.
He's talented, too. There's literally nothing you can't do.
God bless.
We talked about it the other day. I said, can you name one thing you can't do? And you couldn't.
That's not true. I said.
He couldn't do that.
He couldn't.
He can't beat me.
That's the one thing you can't do.
He can't beat me. He can't beat me in ping pong.
How about this? I can't play piano and he's beautiful.
Piano, ping pong.
Okay, that's true.
Ping pong, I can beat you.
Get a table.
Oh, my God. Tennis?
Uh, tennis, we might be more evenly matched.
I was on tennis team in high school.
I know. And that was 40 years ago.
It doesn't matter.
And it was literally.
I hadn't ridden a bike since I was in high school. We rode a bike in fucking Australia.
There's no phrase that's, uh, hey, it's just like tennis. Once you learn, you never not learn. There is no tennis phrase.
Yes, it goes to tennis.
It's just like hitting a tennis ball.
Yeah, yeah. Once you know, you know.
Once you know, you know.
We did ride a beautiful bike around Rotteness Island and had a gorgeous day at Rotteness Island. Probably one of our best days.
What a roller coaster, though.
Incredible, right?
Why?
Well, because we kind of hyped it up the entire trip and Bobby kept pulling me aside and saying, listen, I know everyone says they're the cutest animals on earth, but what if we get there and they don't like us?
And we got there and they were all just like looking for food.
Because I'll tell you why. May I tell you why?
My wisdom on this?
Okay?
Look at them right there.
Oh, my God, they are cute.
They're so.
Right, they're so cute.
They're so fucking cute. So, um.
Edible, by the way. They look very edible.
Yeah, they look like porks.
They look like, they look like little Andres.
Little Andreses.
So here's the situation here, guy, my friend, is that I'll tell you how the Quokkas came into my, I told you, right?
How? Yeah, Jim Jefferies.
Jim Jefferies.
Months ago, pulled me aside, mate, you gotta see the Quokkas.
He told me the island and everything, right? So I've been thinking and dreaming about Quokkas a long time.
I get that.
Yeah. And then when we got there, some fucking bloke, some Australian bloke, says to me, uh, mate, you know why they call it Rotteness, uh, Island? I go, why? And he goes, because the first guy that went there, right, thought they were rats. So in my mind, I'm like, oh, they're not, they're not as, because what we see, we, I thought they were like going to be real small, like rats.
Me too, yeah.
Right? But then when I saw, that's me, yeah, when I, yep.
Look at that. You taking a photo with one so beautifully.
Oh, the Joey's coming out.
Yeah, the little Joey's coming out of the stomach. Dude, that was like magical.
In love.
In love with that.
And that was like four hours into the trip. You got that.
Yeah, that was the last second. We were about to, we were about to board the boat to go home.
Well, because I don't, you know, when people go crazy over celebrities.
Yeah, that's how I feel.
Yeah, yeah, I go less crazy. I take a step back and I go, you know, I'm better than that, right? So there was a lot of quokka fawning.
A lot of fawning.
Yeah, right. So I'm like, nah, you know what? I'm really cool about this. But after like two or three hours, like, what the fuck are you doing? It's a fucking quokka. Take a photo.
Yeah, you were like, three hours in, you're like, I'm ready.
I'm ready to take a, yeah, yeah.
No, but see, this is what I appreciate about you. You waited till you felt like it was time. And guess what?
That photo is proof that if you wait, good things will come.
Exactly.
Because a lot of people got a lot of bad photos of them with quokkas not looking at him. You, on the other hand, have a picture perfect picture with.
Perfect.
Quokka. Because I had the little baby in the stomach one.
It was unbelievable.
It was really unbelievable.
So the proof is in the pudding, kiddo. If you wait, good things will come.
You know, don't call me kiddo anymore.
All right, baby doll.
I think it's kind of funny. We got, um, we got a lot of love down there in Australia and we want to thank.
Oh, it was probably, yeah, go ahead. Sorry.
No, no, that's it. I just want to say we want to thank our fans.
What? Go ahead.
Yeah, I'm sorry, go ahead. I just want to say that I, uh, I want to thank, cut me off again.
Probably.
There it is.
I want to thank all the fans from Down Under. It was one of the best experiences we've ever had. I mean it. It was unfucking real.
It was so cool.
It was so fun.
Life-changing.
We had people come to the show that are actor friends of ours that came and.
Oh, can we talk about that?
Sure.
You're not gonna be mad?
What do I care? It's already, you already made fun of me half of the trip about it. I got mocked incessantly. Even though what did Andrew provide except for great recommendations for food and hangout spots and cool things to see, but that's okay. But make fun of me more. It's fine.
Well, then I will not. You're right.
I'd actually prefer it if you did. If you did. Go ahead, make fun of me.
Well, so, um. You asked me to close the shows.
I asked you to close the shows because I wasn't feeling good.
You're good, that's fine, and I 100% back that.
Because you, usually we switch off.
And I said, will you end up closing some of these shows, please?
Yeah, but I close, except for the one. So.
Except for one what?
One of the shows.
You didn't, what do you mean?
No, no, just let me finish.
You know where he's going.
He knows what I'm talking about.
Yeah, you know.
You closed every other show.
You know which one.
So the close, the show that, yeah.
I just wanted to close one of the shows.
Interesting.
This is so interesting, what you're doing. So interesting.
What, what did I do?
I wasn't there, but I, I get the picture now.
You get the picture, right? So there's one show where he goes, you know what, Bob, I'm gonna, I'm gonna close this particular one. I'm like, Mike, why, I thought I was gonna close all of them. Right, and then, it was the show, that it was Dakota Fanning, Sarah Smooch.
Smooch?
Bridie and Slim.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smook. Right?
Yeah, yeah. Now, what I'm saying is, is that, so the one show that your celebrity friends are coming, you're like, I wanna close because I wanna make seem.
Well, they came to see me. Because they're not a fan of you.
See what you're doing right now?
No, no, no, oh, oh, oh, oh.
No, no, I'm just being honest.
You like the honesty now?
They all were like, I don't really care about Bobby, I don't like his stuff.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I said, would you guys like me to go last?
Right, right.
I'd prefer it.
Less of him, more of you.
Well, whatever.
No, no, I just wanna tell you the truth.
Whatever the reason.
If you like the truth.
Whatever, I love the truth.
No, no, no, if you like this little truth game.
I love the truth.
They all literally said, we're not fans of Bobby Lee.
Both comedically, personally.
And I said, that's rude. That's my partner, Brian.
I love what you're doing. I love what you're doing right now.
Dude, these are their work.
Yeah, yeah, I know. I don't think.
They go, I don't like him as a stand-up.
I don't think so.
Or as a podcaster.
Yeah, I don't think so.
They go, we're not, that's just not our style. And I said.
Well, what would it matter who went up first then?
No, it doesn't matter.
They're gonna see me anyway. They saw me anyway.
Because you hate it if I do too much time. You bitch about it every time. So if I go second, then you're not gonna complain to me.
Right. It was just an observation. I don't know if it's the truth.
But I'm giving you the truth.
It could have been one show where you're like, here's the deal. It could have been one show where it's like, you know what? I just feel like closing out the second show.
No, no, no. The truth really is, I thought, okay, if they're coming to see, I'm not gonna have you get upset at me because I did too much time in the front. So I was like, let me close the show, so I don't hear it from you. Because every show we've ever done, if I do too much time, and there's proof in the booth, you do get mad.
Okay, so, alright, so.
Are you gonna be honest and say that that's true?
That is the truth.
Yes, because you go.
Let me ask, can I ask?
And then I see, I hear backstage you going like this, "He's doing too much time. He's always doing too much time."
Okay.
Because these guys, they rat you out. They rat you out.
Let me say something. Let me tell you something, right? The reason why.
Rat him out. You rat him out.
I'm sorry. Alright, what I'm saying is, is that.
So your beef is not with me, pal.
I'll tell you.
It's with the rat.
The rat island.
We call that rat island.
Rat island, okay. Let me say, alright, first of all, right, you rat fuckers, dude. I don't. Yeah, yeah, you both are, you rat fuckers. And number two, and number two, right?
Don't hide now, pal. Don't hide.
Let me, I'm gonna say something to you, okay? You're one of the best comics on.
First of all, cut it out.
Let me, let me finish.
Stop, cut it out.
Let me say, he's one of the best comics on planet Earth, okay?
Listen, right, we're playing in front of thousands and people, right? Do you know how hard it is, I'm blocking your face, do you know how hard it is to follow this guy in any environment?
He says this every time.
We say the same thing about you.
Okay, so my point is, is that, you know what I mean? I'm sorry that I, at times, don't wanna work that hard. Okay? I'm sorry that I don't wanna work that hard. And number two, right? Back me up. Now, now you two rats, right?
Time out. Real fast, real fast.
The truth is out there, and I love the truth.
No, but let me stop the truth real fast.
Um, okay, good.
Two, two, two things, real fast, real fast.
One, clearly they never said that about you. You know I'm joking. You know I'm joking.
I just ratted myself out?
No, no, I just said, listen to me.
I just admitted that I do complain and now that was some fucking Jedi shit dude. That was on co-op, don't do that.
He knows everything.
He knows everything dude, Mr. Know-It-All.
Can I finish though?
Two things.
Go ahead.
One, they never said it about you because you know that they're all in love with you. I made that up as a joke. But two, to li-
Who? Dakota Fanning them?
All of them.
Of course he didn't!
I know, but, but let me level this. Let me level this.
To make this even more fair. That is true. I did want to go second because I did, I did not want you to get mad at me about the time. And then, to make both of these things together, these guys will also tell you, the rat, fucking scumbag loser fuckheads that they'll tell you the exact same thing that I say about you when you're on stage. Verbatim, I go, "I don't know why he doesn't go second. He's crushing it. I don't want to go after that." Do I not say that to you? So yes.
Okay, so-
The same thing you say to them, I say to them about you as well.
So, so-
We're good.
We're good. And who are we really mad at?
Yeah, but we're not good yet.
I love this because my parents divorced when I was six, so I never got there.
So let me, let me, no, no, so let me, let me just, you know, like go to the committee, okay? So McCon, alright?
No, I have to burp.
Yeah, McCon, look at me. Why do you think he wanted to go second? Just in your opinion, you know what I mean? Your opinion? That only the second show on Melbourne.
Don't look at me!
What are you doing? Dude, you're about to lie. I could just see, you did a swallow!
He wanted to look cool in front of his actor friends.
Okay, Carlos?
I think he wanted to show what a good comedian he was in front of his friends.
And, yeah.
That's fine.
That's great.
Yeah, I told you what it was.
I didn't want to hear it from you if I went long. That's real, I, I did not want to hear your bullshit about you going, because by the way, I did 30 minutes. Because I wanted to do more time.
They wanted to give him the best version of the show.
Oh, fancy.
What are you doing?
What are you doing? We were just, we were just sailing through this.
So here's the issue.
No, no, no.
Alright.
Let that sink in.
I don't want it to.
Yeah, yeah, it's already.
Just clean it off.
Once you get HIV, you have it.
Not anymore, dude.
I know, but I haven't taken the cocktail yet.
Well, please do.
Yeah, so I just took some of HIV.
But can you see-
A shot of it.
He's walked into the porg-
Right, so, yeah, so, um-
At least he's embraced it.
You said, "That's the best part of the show."
No, I, fancy.
No, yeah, yeah, no, no, listen, if this is gonna be about the truth, and if we're putting it on the table, let's just do it, let's not like, you know, let's be cowboys.
Okay, so I told you my truth.
Yeah, and I believe you.
I genuinely, I just wanna do a lot of time.
So, I just heard your truth. And you know what?
Nice fancy, way to go.
So anyway, um, wow, what a great trip.
It was incredible.
What a wonderful-
It was awesome, we saw kangaroos.
We did, Jess and I went for a long walk and saw some roos.
That was awesome.
It was incredible. And then, in Auckland, um, Carlos went to a brothel, which I'm sure is-
Can you, can you talk about it?
Yeah, of course.
We already talked about it.
Yeah, it was more independent, um-
Oh, less-
More mom and pop?
Less corporate, yeah.
It was just in a hotel room and there was like a clothes barrier, like when you walked into the left.
So there was someone else hooking up in there as well?
So, she was like, "Go shower," and so I went and showered, like I faked it a little bit.
What do you mean you faked it?
I had already showered, I didn't do soap-
Like you just went in there and pretended to soap?
Why wouldn't you just shower again?
Shower?
I didn't wanna double soap it, it'd be just too much.
Sorry?
I didn't wanna do soap-
Double soap it is too much?
Like you got extra clean?
Yeah, what does that even fucking mean?
I didn't wanna do two soaps, so I-
But it's not your body, it's your breath.
That's what they meant when they-
You can't wash that in the shower.
You can't wa- you know, and let's, can we discuss-
I don't eat enough.
Can we discuss that for a second? Okay?
There was no discussion in Australia.
There's not anything that smells particularly like that.
That's why prostitutes don't kiss.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's why prostitutes don't kiss, yeah.
Do you kiss them?
It's a level of, it's, you know what it is, okay. When, you know, you know, I don't, I don't, when you're in a porta potty, you know what that, what it is.
You go, that's a mixture of poo.
And pee and puke.
Generations of it, right, right? When you go, whatever, right? When you're at, like, when you're in Skid Row, right? You kind of know what those smells are, you know what I mean? People that are, "BO, dirty," you know what I mean? You know what I mean?
Yeah, etc., etc.
I get that, yeah, I agree.
With his is a particular kind of skank.
Pretty interesting.
Yeah, Stan, that you don't know quite what it is.
Right, what is it?
It's like, there's salami, right? But then there's also dirt, but then there's also like, you know what I mean? Like, you know? Vomit.
Vomit.
Yeah, yeah, but it's like.
It's from vaping and a bunch of.
But it's a lot, but it's like, also, here's another thing that you can do, which is, I think, an X-Men power. You can project it from across the room.
Whoa, that is like a power if you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I, I, I, I. I can literally walk in a room and go, "Oh, Carlos is here," before even I see you.
Whoa.
I, I, I'm being real, I go, "Oh, Carlos," I don't even have to look. You're just there.
Does it leave a trail or something?
It's a projection, I don't know, it's weird, it's like a funk.
What is it, what is it?
What is it?
I think it's because I don't eat enough.
Because you don't eat enough food?
So your stomach is eating itself?
That's bile.
Weird shit's happening.
Yeah, that's bile.
Bile.
Well, every morning I throw up, blood and stuff.
Oh my god, what are we going, what the heck?
No, don't do.
Don't do that.
I'm still alive, though.
When's the last time you saw a doctor?
I'll see my dad in a couple of days and I'll see what's up.
Oh, so your dad is your doctor?
Oh, yeah, I just text him.
And then.
You call him Doctor Dad?
Doctor Dad on NBC. Wait a minute, do you, does he ever run blood work on you?
No, he just like.
You need blood work.
Do you ever run blood work on yourself?
Have you ever, have never go?
I don't do that.
You've never done that?
You honestly do, at your age, you have to run blood work?
I mean, I've gotten STD tests.
That's not the same thing, I'm talking about holistic, your whole body needs to know, like, maybe you have allergies to something, you can have some stuff going on that you don't know.
That's like what hot girls.
And I'm not even talking about your breath, he's, I'm, I'm talking about separately. You should run blood work, dude, to know what's.
I'm talking about your breath.
That's right, that part.
Yeah, I'm talking about it.
What if he does blood work? What if he does blood work and the results come back bad?
Bad breath?
Even the blood is like, mm-mm.
Even like when, um, like sometimes I'll say, "Get me mints."
Trying to like make it easy.
But you so, I haven't answered, when we're doing shows, do I ever say that?
When he says, "Get me mints," he means-
I go, "Get-"
Royal me.
I'm trying not to be rude. Right? It's a message.
He doesn't get it.
Yeah, "Get me gum mints," right? And "Get me," you know what I mean? Toothpaste. Mouthwash.
Gloss.
Right, yeah, everything, right? It's not for me. I don't use it. It's for you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's that hint.
I had a lot of mints in Australia. I always had some on me.
I just have to-
You, you won't believe this. I saw him put a mint in his mouth and it jumped back.
Kill me!
Play this video of him coming onstage in Sydney. This is Bobby coming onstage in Sydney. Jesus Christ.
So crazy.
Oh my-
Wow.
Crazy.
Eighty-five hundred people at this show?
Wow, man.
There was more people at that show than in the state of Nevada when it was admitted into the Union in 1860.
It was almost a great moment.
Do I get the Mr. Know-It-All thing now, or is it good passed to this fucking guy?
That's a great-
I think, I think you've influenced him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's basically baby know-it-all. That's baby know-it-all.
Baby know-it-all. I don't even come up with shit like that.
That's insane.
Cause you know it all, but you also know timing.
Ah, that's what it is.
But he knows a lot, man.
Let me ask you, McCone, do you know about Keiko?
Okay. Do you know about Keiko?
What's the Nevada thing? What is this saying?
I saw this in a video the other day when Nevada was, became a state in 1860, they had just over 6,000 people. And I thought, "That's crazy. There was more people in the audience."
I'm not gonna lie, that is fucking amazing.
That's insane. A state when it was formed-
Influence, influence.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. See how know-it-alls influence each other? Yeah.
Hey.
Good boy. He's learning.
Good boy. You're actually com-
But my kinda know-it-all, Carlos, is you, right? Yeah, what's up, bro? What's up?
There's a few things he doesn't know.
We know nothing.
Alright, so let me ask you though. Not to stick on this joke. Do you go to see a dental hygienist, though?
Oh my god.
You can't just have, you don't.
Will you?
I think it's will they.
Choose.
That's very funny. Yeah, they will not.
I will go.
Huh?
I am in pain and, you know.
He has this picture of a dentist office.
He's banned.
Wanted.
Dead.
Wait a minute, so you won't go?
I'll just do other things.
But wait, why won't you go see somebody?
Because I'm healthy, I'm alive.
Are you afraid of a dentist? Is that what that is?
No, I'm really not, I'm just lazy. Like how my car keyed, I didn't fix it.
But this is tripping me out. When's the last time you went to a dentist, for real?
Maybe when I was a teenager.
Andrew, check this out.
In fucking thirty years?
Andrew, check it out.
What?
What am I doing?
Who was that?
You're a dentist?
No, no, it's worse.
Every woman that makes my.
Okay, alright.
I mean, just imagine it.
That wasn't Kalila.
Oh, wow. Whoa, shots fucking fired, dude.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, very good.
The frequency of dental visits depends on your individual circumstances. However, the ADA recommends, the American Dental Association,
recommends adults and children see the dentist every six months.
That's so dorky, no one does that.
I think that most everyone I know does.
Yeah, I go to dentist.
Everyone in this room goes to the dentist.
You don't, you don't, I mean, at the very least, once a year is definitely what you should do.
I did tell Jesse this, but I did brush my teeth with Sprite and Adelaide.
Yeah, I forgot about that. I said, I spray it, and he goes, I don't know what fizz is.
Bro.
He's just rubbing sugar on his teeth.
Bro, dude, that's the problem.
That is.
I think we've found it.
Yeah, we found the problem.
You're brushing your teeth with Sprite?
I was too lazy to go to the bathroom.
Just do it with Pop Rocks.
Those fits do, dog. Do you smell, I mean, is there other smells in your body that you're not aware or privy to?
I don't know. I can't smell them. I can't smell-
You can smell.
But I can't smell like marijuana or anything like that.
Yeah, you dip, you dip and smell.
You dip and smell?
Like dip your finger in your butt and smell it?
No, not the butt. No, no, but-
Don't start there.
Yeah, don't start there. No, but I'll like, I'll go like this and do that.
On pit, yeah.
Have you done that?
Yeah, of course. Yeah, I want to see if I'm on track.
I think we need to get this solved, and I mean this, because now I feel like it's dangerous. Are you really throwing up in the mornings?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, buddy, come on.
Blood?
That's not good.
Oh, that's not good.
Well, then stuff's going on.
It's like indigestion, it's a whole thing. And McConaughey knows my pillows have blood on them when I wake up.
McConaughey, you're not voicing this to us ever? You're not going, "Hey, guys, I think you should know this." Both for the sake of health and comedy.
I mean, I feel like everybody who's like 10 years older than me, I'm like, "Oh, they got it somewhat figured out."
No, they don't.
They don't, no.
They got it.
No, there is no such thing.
I did love all the music we made together, though, with the piano and your singing and the trumpet.
I'm gonna say it right now, dude. I told you backstage.
Say it.
And I don't know if you really took this to heart, but I mean this. I said, "Man, it's incredible when you are freestyling on the piano and she's backing you up and just flowing with it." It's extremely impressive. Maybe I'm a fucking underexposed person to that kind of style of music, but it fucking blew my mind. Every night I would sit down, when you would freestyle on the piano, and you would just smooth come in, I was, I'm being so genuine to you guys. It's so impressive to me. And maybe I don't know shit about music composition and theory, but it fucking was incredible.
Basic chords, really.
Maybe, but it was fucking gorgeous.
I do also have to say that the shows- Versus the shows we did in America a year, a couple of years ago, were way tighter.
Over there, we were much tighter. Well, we had 60 cities of practice.
I mean, we-
We found a groove.
We found a definitely groove with all of it. It just seems faster.
It was smooth and we had some incredible people, fans to help out in the show. We had a woman who was able to squirt breast milk out of her mouth.
Into my mouth.
Out of her tit.
Out of her mouth, that'd be crazy.
Well, she'd be drinking and spitting.
Like milk coming out your nose.
She squirted breast milk and it's sour. It doesn't taste like oat milk or-
What do you mean?
Yes, it does not taste like oat milk.
Or, or any milk that I've ever had. It was like sour.
It was a human milk.
Oh, it's human milk, yeah.
Human milk. And let's see it right here. Let's play a clip there.
Oh my god, it's so much more than I remember.
That's all breast milk. Now, those babies are not gonna go hungry. That is so much.
And can I say something too? Probably one of the best breasts I've ever seen.
Gorgeous.
You saw them, right?
Yeah, I snuck back.
I mean, they were a perfect breast.
And her husband approved. We asked her husband, we said, she goes, "My talent is that I can squirt breast milk very far." And that's us asking her husband, I'm saying, "Dude, was this cool? Do you approve?" And he was thumbs up all day.
What show? Is that the show that Dakota was at?
It was. That was, yeah, that was in-
Oh, that was a magical show. That's a magical show then.
Sarah Snook, Jake Lacy.
Oh, Jake Lacy from, um-
White Lotus.
And I'm dying up here.
I'm dying up here.
That's how we-
Sarah Snook, who is, uh-
Secession.
Such an incredible actress.
I walked up to her and I just kinda grabbed her arms.
"I'm such a big fan of yours."
I have such a crush on her talent-wise. You know what I mean? Like, I think she's so talented. I'm like, "God, you're fucking-
I love-
And Dakota?
Dakota, oh my god.
She's the shit.
She's so not what you think.
Well, cuz she's, you know what, what's funny is when you grow up in LA and you meet people that grew up in LA that are like actors that grew up here.
I guess it's more, you have a projection of, an idea of who you think they are. You do, because you meet some kids that grew up here and they act and it's a thing. And, you know, even though she moved here as a young kid, she kinda grew up here.
But you see a lot of young actors, cuz I know a lot, that um, they play by the Hollywood rules, so they don't wanna say the wrong thing, or they wanna, they're just very like, in the middle about things, right?
Political.
She seemed to be, she reminded me more of a comic.
She floats her own way.
She's like, cool, like, just, you know, can accept.
She loved the show.
The show was wild.
It's really nice to see people feel free and not feel like, because our show is fucking insane. Like, you know, Sarah brought their 14-year-old son. And when they came backstage, I was like, "Do you want him to see the show?"
And she was like, "Yeah, I mean, why not? Who cares?"
And they just saw Neil deGrasse Tyson play there?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We played the same venue as Rocket Scientist Neil deGrasse Tyson. And we were sucking on tit milk.
Rock and roll, dude.
Incredible.
Rock and fucking roll. It was a great trip over there.
Yeah, the whole trip was good.
There's only one part of it I didn't like.
Tell me.
Only one part of it I didn't like.
You know what it was.
Um, McCone.
Did you make me mad the whole, the whole show? Did you, did I, was I mad at you a little bit? I was.
What was the anger about, I forgot?
I can tell you exactly what it is.
Hmm.
Cuz it's a little bit of jealousy, is what it was.
Okay, go ahead.
We played the clip on here of you walking out to Sydney, to all those fans.
Oh, I knew it, as soon as I saw Bobby post that, I knew this was gonna happen.
No, no, no, no, it's not mad at Bobby. I said to him, "Did you get us all coming out to the fucking crowd?"
Wait, he didn't get you coming out?
No, no, no, no.
No, there's gotta, that, that doesn't make it.
My head, he does not.
And you were re-watching it all day on your Instagram? And I just knew that he was...
I wasn't, I wasn't upset at you. I was, I said to him, "Did you get everybody getting that shot?"
Of us going out.
Is that what I asked you? I said, did you get me or Jesse going onstage to the big crowd?
I don't wanna, I don't wanna fight you. Andrew?
Can I side with Mccone for a second?
Interesting. Someone's trying to get under Mr. Nodal tutelage, huh?
Someone's trying to be Mr. Nodal for the show.
I mean, just, just a little thing.
I did go up to him before the show and I go, "Make sure you get me coming out."
Interesting. Okay. That, that has no bearing on the fact that he would literally go, "I should probably get everybody coming out."
Yeah, that, yeah, but that doesn't make, yeah, you're right. That doesn't make-
It's 8,500 seats.
Yeah, you're right. You might, yes.
You assume.
If one of us said, "Hey, make sure you get this shot," why wouldn't your instinct go, "I should get this for Jess?"
You were already onstage.
Correct.
At that moment. So he couldn't go back and-
I was also-
No, no, no. He asked him before the show.
Oh, I thought it was like-
No. No, no, no.
I was running up to run the cameras to get the back of everyone going, because I have running second cameras as well.
I don't, it's over to me. And that will always lay inside of me as something that you disappointed me at. And it turned me.
I was extremely upset.
I went into my hotel room and I said, "Not happy, doesn't care, doesn't care."
Almost a Dollywood moment that day.
Pretty close. That wasn't why I was feeling that way. But that, that, that Dollywood moment almost happened again, yeah. I had a day.
That was scary.
I needed to go-
I kept wanting to hang out with you so bad, but I knew it would be best to just leave it alone.
Had to go to the gym. I had to just walk away.
But Mccone was a big sliver. A big sliver in my hand. Ow. How do I get this out?
Can't.
I do have to say, my relationship with Mccone got better on the trip.
Mm-hmm.
Because, because of that?
No, not because of that. I feel like he was trying to, he was trying.
Yeah, I will say he-
He was trying.
Well, you're welcome.
Every one of my-
Excuse me?
That's me. That's all me.
I know what it is.
That's all me molding and shaping the kid.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what it is.
And you know who didn't try on the trip at all?
Who?
Who didn't put any effort into the trip whatsoever? Carlos.
Shout out to Carlos, he worked very hard.
Yeah, you've killed it, Carlos.
You actually did a phenomenal job.
Thank you, I appreciate it.
A phenomenal job, much better than than than we expected you to do. You went above and beyond. Fancy you didn't do shit. You stayed back and caught a check.
Let's talk about um the best hotels you think we stayed at.
I think the coolest one we stayed at was uh um the W in uh.
The W was good.
In Brisbane.
That hotel was wildly dope.
But also my second was the Ritz Carlton, the last night of.
Was it Perth?
What night?
Perth.
Uh, yeah.
Oh, the Crown.
The Crown, I mean, yeah.
Oh, the Crown, yeah.
Well, we had Nobu that night.
A little Nobu dinner?
And the kid never, kid kids never had Nobu, right?
Never.
You're welcome. Didn't say thank you once. Didn't say thank you.
Ungrateful, really, huh?
Did not, did you say thank you? Did you?
We said it a few times.
When? Do you remember? Give me the time.
He probably has it on camera.
Yeah, he's got the timestamp of it.
I'll pull it up.
That dinner was amazing. I love the lazy Susan.
Love a, love a good lazy Susan.
Love a good lazy Susan.
And we had a, we had, overall, man, every city did what we thought they were gonna do. Nobody let us down. Every city was amazing. Every venue was great. And let's be honest, can we be honest? We thought one of the cities, you, we both were like, what if this isn't that good? Because of the venue.
And it turned out to be fucking great.
Which, oh, yeah, that one.
We were both.
Oh, I walked into that one. I went, oh, here's another Memphis.
Yeah, you did say that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's another Memphis Tennessee.
Tank.
But it wasn't.
That show was incredible.
Amazing.
One of the best shows I think we did.
I had a panic attack that day.
Was that Brisbane?
Adelaide.
Wait, tell that story.
Yeah, on the plane, I had a panic attack and I was trying to like hold it together until I got to the hotel room so no one would know. And right at the end, or well, when I got to the baggage claim, Bobby's like, go get me some donuts. So I was like still trying to like hold my breathing together and I'm ordering these donuts and the lady's taking forever and Shrimp's like, come on.
I'm sorry.
No, you didn't know. And so I get the donuts and I get on the the thing and right when we park, Bobby's like, what's going on with you? And I was like, I think I'm having a panic attack.
Yeah, you were having a panic.
And then he starts yelling to everyone, she's having a panic attack. I was like, you're making it worse.
Well, then I went back there and I go, are you really having a panic attack? I didn't know if he was joking, and then you were just off.
I just got to my hotel and like, tried to control my breathing, took a shower and like, calmed down.
I felt so bad.
And then, the show was like transformative. Cause it was like, all, I just could focus all my thinking just on the show.
And form, and, and yeah, that venue was great, and yeah.
Since we're being honest.
Since this is the honest show.
When you get low, you get low.
When I get low.
That's what I said.
I thought it could have been a royal, when people get low, they get low.
Oh, right, right. No, when you get low, we, we can feel it.
Uh huh, yeah.
Right? And there's always like a 12 hour period.
Where it's like, we just know not to.
But what happens to your mind there?
Well, I have clinical depression, so I go into a deep, very dark, low hole.
Yeah, it's, it's scary.
Nah.
I get really, I feel so bad for you.
Well, thank you.
No, I'm being real. I'm always like, going, this, oh my god, I mean, I can't imagine.
Yeah, I wanna get you out of it.
We're trying to get you out of it, but then we don't even, we don't say any, I, I think, I don't think I said to you, anything to you that day.
No, you didn't.
But I would walk by your green room and just, hey.
If I'm being honest, if we wanna talk real shit, um, yeah, I get fucking, I have, I have, I have depression, I get extremely dark and low, I think the worst negative thoughts, I'm sure there's fans that have exactly what I have, or, you know, they do this thing, and, um, I found my only solution is to not communicate with people, cause I just feel like I'll be mean or rude. And sometimes I am, then I just get snappy, cause I'm really low, and I apologize if I am. And I find that if I can go and exercise, or just break away for a second, and just kind of do my own little thing, it helps me reset my bearings, and then I can get back to it, and I've done it a few times
with you guys, but that's just, unfortunately, I think it's a part of my chemicals.
I think it's a part of my fucking unfortunate DNA. I'm born with this awful, you know, I don't even know how to describe it, it's awful, it sucks. I'm not proud of it, I'm not, but it also is who I really am, so
I think if I service myself and I leave people alone, I can, I can figure it out. I found the tools for me to go, okay, and you know what helped me? Shout out to, I'll tell you this. Shout out to the guy I met in the gym. I didn't want to fucking talk to you. I absolutely didn't want to talk to you. I was lifting weights. I had headphones in and he approached me multiple times to talk. And I was being a little mean at first. I was do- I was like, "What's up?" I did that.
Oh, I've done that.
Like, "What, what, what, what?" And then as soon as I dropped my internal guard, I thought, "This guy's just a nice guy asking a question." And then, I- shout out to that guy. For some reason, it helped me like get back to where I needed to go. Cause I knew this was a test. I don't know what you believe in. I don't care if you believe in a god or a not or a universal energy. This was 100% a test from the universe going, "Watch this." I was in the gym alone. And it was like, "Watch this." And it put this guy in front of me and it was like, "You can either fucking, be a fucking grump and be bummed and ruin someone else's part of the tour, the other people you're performing with. Or you can take this guy as our little fucking tool." And honestly, I felt great after that. Like, I- it's something in the universe gave me that guy. I believe that.
To be like, "Look at this happy-go-lucky, sweet guy who just wanted to talk, chat, didn't know me, had no- like, it wasn't like a fan. It was like just a guy wanting to chat about something." And I don't know. I wholeheartedly believe the universe was like, "Deal with this." Because you gotta cut it out. And then it did it. Like, re-triggered my, "I gotta be good for the other people on the show." It's not fair. It's not fair to your friends and performers and people who support you to bring your shit on other people. What is this clip that you want to play?
This is just Bobby throwing a cig back at Carlos.
After you threw one at him first?
Right, so you threw one, then he just retaliated. But that seems fair. Eye for an eye, smoke for a smoke.
Leaves everyone blind.
Yeah, like the good old days.
There's a resentment, you know, your behavior? You keep bringing up resentment. There is, there is something there. There has to be something there.
I think he loves you, but the bad breath is like, like venom. Like, it's taking over.
Maybe that's what it is, yeah.
Yeah, like it's not-
The bad breath had something to do with it.
It's not him.
It's morphing into its own thing. It's becau- it's like actualizing.
It's becoming itself.
Cause he's changing, right?
Oh, 100%. Carlos has- the change is there. I see it.
It's the responsibility y'all gave me.
So we gave you too much?
No, just the right amount for me to grow.
Interesting. Um, I will say this. We had a little talk off camera. People don't know. We're working on- Uh, right now, we looked up our analytics and uh, we, I think are going to play a show in jolly old England. We're working on going to London for a show. Because our fans in the UK have said, why don't you guys come to us? The first country we went to outside of the US was, well, Canada, but we went to Australia and I think we owe, we owe it to our uh,
Australian, um, London friends.
Our London, our Londoner friends, so we're working on that right now, so.
But can we do this?
Yeah. Make a whole vacation out of it.
No, I know, but the problem with the Australia trip is, is that we, there was just too much traveling. I mean, what I would want is to be in Sydney for two or three extra days, two days. So we can travel around. I know it's, we lose money that way.
No, that's fine. You mean London. So when we go to London.
No, we're going to London. I don't want to be like flying in and flying out. I want to, I spent two or three days. I want to go to the Emirates and look at.
I was just gonna ask, did we go there?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I say something about you?
She saw the Champions League game. Did you see it or the highlights?
I watched the whole thing. It started at noon. I put it on my big TV and just watched it.
Because that's the best way I can learn the players is by watching them.
And so, I know, what do you mean?
Same thing.
I would love to bond with you.
I know, I know.
This is your.
I love it. So let me ask you something about our bond, right?
You saw, did you, do you love the team or?
I love.
I became an Arsenal fan.
Why though?
Why do you think?
Well, it started to bond with Bobby.
Why do you think it is that she likes it?
Why? Because of my passion?
Yeah, so that's where it started.
That's where it started.
And it starts with.
She wants your love. So she loves what you love.
Well, let's face it, we don't, we love each other, but we don't have a lot to talk about.
We went to a dinner together and they took our phones away and it was kind of hard for us.
That was a great day though.
It was great.
Oh, so, so.
But we ran out of.
You were mad. Okay, can we talk about that day?
They took away your phone and you were at dinner without a phone?
I've never seen that in my entire, I'm not kidding. In the 20 years I've known you, I've never seen you at a meal, not on your phone.
Yeah, and if I liked Arsenal then, it would have been way different.
Yeah, yeah. So here's what happened, okay? We were gonna go eat, go, and then you go, I don't want to have lunch.
You said you guys go get lunch.
You said you guys.
Go get lunch.
Verbatim.
But then you were mad that we had lunch without you.
Cause you went to a fucking five star restaurant. Yeah, if I knew you were going to Michelin, I thought you were just gonna grab a snack like we've been doing. I didn't think you were gonna go to a fucking sit down Michelin restaurant. I thought, hey, grab lunch, we'll all just grab lunch and then we'll have a nice dinner.
But it was discovery, so.
Yeah, we, we looked and looked.
We looked and looked and looked and then we found this place and then.
Oh, we stumbled into a Michelin?
No, literally, we did.
Yeah, basically, we walked by it.
We did.
Cause there's no sign.
There was no sign.
You stumbled into a Michelin restaurant?
Yes.
Yeah, so then I go, no, we Googled it.
Yeah, we Googled it.
Yeah, actually, literally, he, I was looking for restaurants, he goes, no, no, no, no, just type in expensive restaurants.
Then we found one.
So there was, so we walked by and then, and then, and then, and you go, I don't think we, it's here, I think it's gone.
I go, I think, you know that fancy door that those stairs?
Go down those stairs into the alley and check that door.
Yeah, and she checked, it was the restaurant.
And you had to ring a door, doorbell.
Yep.
Right, then we got buzzed in.
Walked down the stairs and it was probably one of the best meals we had, I think, there.
This was in Sydney, right?
Do you remember the name of the place?
The Gidley?
Something like that, yeah, The Gidley.
The Gidley.
I think that's what it was called.
Yeah, yeah, The Gidley, I think, that's, it's close to that.
Shout out to The Gidley in Sydney.
It is, mate.
But they took our phones, they put them in little, they go, here's something quirky we do here, we'll take your phones, put it in back.
I respect the fuck out of that. That's what Chappelle does at his shows.
Yeah, and we sat there and then we didn't, did we talk?
We talked about comedy and like the state of comedy, but like that can only last so long.
But, yeah, the, we went into this store in Perth that was a, a sports vintage store and there were some, uh.
Oh, that's how I saw, oh, yeah.
And I saw one that I really liked, it was like my fit, but I was like, I'm such a poser if I wear this. I go, will you teach me about arsenals, that weird?
He said, are you serious?
Yeah, and then, so we, I educated her and she memorized a bunch of things, and now you can wear the jacket, I think.
I think I, I'm close.
I think you can wear the jacket.
I really like them, it, cause it's like, I get super into certain shows, like Mr. Roba.
Wait, wait, why are you guys laughing?
No, it's cute.
Cause it's sweet.
There's something else. Look at Carlos.
I don't, I'm, I just thought it was nice.
No, because you're so strict on people about wearing jerseys and making them afraid of being posers that she should have just been able to wear.
Well, no, I will say Bobby's been nothing but like, I was afraid if I wanted to like this team, he would get mad because that's his thing, but he's been nothing but like, no, like if you kind of like the team, you like it.
Because it's something that no one ever wants to talk about with me.
Ian Edwards?
No, I can't believe this. I can't believe you said that. I love, she's doing it.
But I really like it. And I realized I've always wanted to get into a sport, but I never could know where to start.
And it's like certain shows like Mr. Robot and Arcane, like I love them so much, but they end. And I just, it clicked, like sports, I get why people like them now.
They never end.
You get new people every year.
New seasons and so I'm really into this.
The drama.
Right. I'm on season 40 of, of all my local sports teams.
Except I don't like the cast on any of my sports teams.
Well, you switched to Arsenal, they're great.
Well, I don't like soccer, but that's, that's the other thing is we just, we both love sports individually, but I just, I'm not a soccer guy, but I, I like that you like it.
I don't see how. It's like basketball and American football together.
Uh, no.
Because it moves so fast.
Yeah, but I like, I like fast-paced scoring.
Like, you like basketball?
Basketball's the best. It's fast-paced scoring.
Yeah, but they're bouncing around the field. It's.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. That sounded a little.
The reason why I like soccer is because, um, when you do score, it's just that much more potent.
I was screaming alone in my living room.
Yeah, man.
It is.
I just like to see black guys dunk.
I like to see.
Then Arsenal's one of the first teams to allow black people on their team.
Oh, then I definitely don't like them.
Are they really?
Were they really?
Yeah, dude, I'm on a deep dive.
Wow, I didn't know that. Wow, wow.
So they were the first team to have black players?
One of them. I don't know if the first, but they got some backlash for that, some backlash here.
A little bit of backlash from that. So this is a photo here, this is a photo of, uh, Mccone in bed with, uh, who is that?
That's my mom.
Now, what are you doing in bed with?
Where'd you get that?
From a fan.
A fan.
And I didn't ever find a good time to show you guys.
Oh, I love that.
We literally got it the first day and I would pack it.
Can I have that?
Well, can we just put it up at the studio here?
I want it.
Why can't we put it here?
Please let me have it.
You may.
My mom.
Yeah, I mean, you definitely have, you have that photo.
Yeah, I was like, where'd they get that?
Not printed up like that.
Well, can we print out a real nice one? That looks like shit.
I want that one.
Okay, we'll give you that one.
Can I see it?
Wait, let Andrew hold it. I want to see a side by side.
What do you guys think? What do you say?
Is it close? Is it close?
I hate you.
I'm Bobby mom.
I hate you. I love your mom.
You, I love your mom too so much. I actually miss her and I'm coming out to Phoenix. Can you?
When are you going?
Line it up?
Can I plug some dates?
I'm going to Sunnyvale and Fort Worth and Dallas all next year. Colorado Springs, Rochester, New York.
Ooh.
I know I'm forgetting some stuff, but it's all coming together. My tour, I'll post it and my merch will be up too. Jetskijohnson.com.
With the glasses?
The glasses will always be up on Rainbow Optics, but my t-shirts, I finally got an online store that'll mail them out. So if you can't go to a live show where I'll always have merch, you can buy it online finally.
Wait, is it, is it Jetskijohnson.com? Is that up, your merch?
Right now, go look at it. Let me pull it up. Also, by the way, to the Australian fans that asked us why the fuck we didn't bring merch, I'll tell you why. We hunted for a way to bring you guys merch. Local companies, of course, is what we'd have to use because it would cost too much to ship merch in the United States. And all the local companies that we tried to work with, it just wasn't, it wasn't going to work. So that's why. We just wasn't going to work out for us, for you guys. It wasn't cost effective or efficient for you guys to get good merch from us that we cared about to distribute to you. So we have great merch all the time on the website. So sorry, we didn't bring anything with us, but it just wasn't going to work.
Can I ask you a question?
I got invited to a Thanksgiving with somebody. Should I go, you think?
Can you tell some?
Michael Bay.
You're gonna blow up that bathroom.
Imagine the fucking whole table just explode. Lights on fire.
You think I should go?
Um.
I have no plans.
From a personal perspective, do you want to come to my house?
Who's going to your house?
Nobody, my cousin and a friend or two.
Yeah, maybe.
You come to my house.
Yeah, maybe. But if the Michael Bay thing is real, I'll go there.
100%. I know your priorities.
Best friend.
I just think that it would be like an interesting story.
Of course. I assume, okay, my assumption, the reason I didn't invite you to Thanksgiving, honestly, my assumption is you would not want to do that.
Well, you know, it, well, can I say something to you? Have I not been showing up to places?
No, you do. I'm saying.
Lately, I've been being very mindful about going to different places.
I agree.
And when I get invited and I go.
But I'm saying.
I go to raves, I don't, whatever, like.
We talked about inviting you.
And my wife was like, do you want to invite Bob? I said, yeah, but I don't think he would like this kind of thing. Because I don't know, you know, traditionally.
If you're gonna be anal, then no.
I am, I'm sure.
Well, I'm gonna be a mess.
Yeah. Yeah, I don't want you at the house.
I'm going, I'm going.
No, go to Michael Bay, please, please. Now that I think about it.
I'm going.
There's cranberry sauce on the ceiling.
Yeah. There's another thing that I've noticed is at this comedy store, people have been like, I had a waitress come up to me and go, have you been working out? I go, no. Why are you laughing?
I'm saying the Ozempic is working.
And then, um, Steph Tolev goes, oh, I see it now.
Stand up, stand up, for real. You don't, you don't.
Well, I'm not.
Just stand up. You don't do anything else but stand up. We can see it. It's an obvious difference. Can you or no? Yes. Be honest. We've said it every fucking.
It used to protrude.
Wait a minute, what did you say, Carlos? You can't tell?
I can't tell. So I see him every day.
You can totally tell.
You need to take more.
See, that's what I'm saying. He wants me to overdose on Ozempic.
No, don't do this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wants me to die.
No, it's like weed. You can't overdose.
No, you literally can. And also, let's stop plugging Ozempic. It's fucking Wegovy.
Wegovy, yeah, yeah.
It's the other one.
Oh, okay.
The amount of people that commented on my Instagram about you, they were let down because they thought you were on Ozempic, and so they were too.
But now you're on Wegovy, and now people were like, fuck, I gotta switch.
No, I'm still on, I have black market Ozempic too.
Oh, you do? You bad boy.
Wegovy guy.
I do both.
The smeglitude. But it is working. Everyone on tour has said that. There was a few ladies that said that on tour. I mean, it was just true. The truth is the truth.
I'm so hungry.
But don't eat.
I'm not.
Yeah, just don't. Bobby wants it because he wants to be, say it with me.
Hollywood.
Ripped. Well, you want to be ripped.
Jacked, I think it was.
Jacked, ripped and jacked.
What did you say in the van?
You'll see.
And that's the name of the special, "You'll See." Be jacked. Absolute jacked and ripped. And you know what? I think you're on your way. I mean, you're definitely losing the weight. Are you late night snacking?
No, look at me. Nothing. Not even like a, not even like a Kit Kat or a Chippy?
Well, last night, I, um, I went to Shabu Shabu, it was my first meal.
Of the day.
Of the day. And then, after the store, Andrea Jin goes, "Let's go have dinner." I'm like, "I already ate." And she's like, "Just call." So I went to, um, Sunun dang. Right? And they had this, they had a couple of dumplings.
That's nothing.
Yeah. And then I went to, dude, I've been going to We Spa every day, it's been great.
Dately?
In fact, last night, at We Spa, it's so interesting, I'm in the fucking dry sauna, completely naked, and I sit like this.
That's how you're supposed to sit.
You know, I just kind of sit like this, and I lean like this. You know, and there's only a lot of black guys in there, which I love. "What's up, brah?" "What's up, man?"
You gotta show off.
Yeah, and I do this, I'm not afraid of my little guy. Right? There was two white dudes sitting there, and I was looking at them. Like this, I was looking at them like this, and they were like, "What are you looking at, man?" "You guys."
Yeah, I'm looking right at you.
Yeah, and they go, "Oh." And I go, "What do you guys do?" I go, "We, we're actors." "We just moved here from, I forgot where." You know, I got there, we talked a little bit about, it's dry, you know what I mean? And then later, when I'm like done, they come up to me and they go, "You're Bobby Lee, I can't believe it." I go, "Why didn't you say that in the dry sauna?"
Yeah, why'd you say that? Yeah. You didn't think it was the penis thing? You think that?
I don't think so. What do you think?
Well, they might have been threatened.
I mean, I, I, but it's like, why don't, you can just say, "You're Bobby Lee," right? What is, what's the problem here?
Well, because it's kind of hard to, your cock is right there, so they might want to save the excitement for when they don't see your cock.
Oh, what if I started getting hard?
That's why.
That'd be so funny, dude.
That's what I'm talking about.
You're Bobby Lee.
You do get excited when people notice you.
I love, when's the last time you went to We Spa?
Forever.
Yeah?
It's been so long.
Have you gone?
No, I don't.
I love it though, I want to go back.
You want to go tonight?
You're going every day?
To We Spa?
I'm not going to that dry sauna with you.
There's a women's department. There's a women's department.
Yeah, there's a section.
It's like, men and women.
You would go in your own section?
What is it like? Walk me through it, because I can't, I have no idea what it is.
Can I ask you something?
I'm not trying to start anything, at all.
Are there, are there trans people in the sauna?
Well, there was-
That's a real-
So there was a controversy at We Spa. Do you know the controversy?
So We Spa's, see, that's, see, see that photo right there? They give you clothes, and so there's a like, a, you know, a coed area of the spa.
But there's no nudity.
There's no nudity, there's like a clay room, a salt room, and then we're fully clothed with other people.
And you steam out there and do your thing there.
You can meditate, you can, there's yoga.
And there's a women's department too, right? Anyway, the controversy was, if you go to We Spa, there's kids.
Running around, you know, there's like a lot of like, in my section, little boys running around.
Not late at night, but yes.
Even late at night.
Sometimes?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, even late at night, you'll see like a Korean kick on.
You know what I mean? Right? And you're trying to like, you know, maybe be cool, you know, but, um, you know what I mean? You gotta be cool.
That'd be cool, man.
So, a couple, years ago, a man, a woman.
A trans woman, right?
Who hasn't had the procedure.
Went to the women's department.
Uh huh.
And there's little girls there.
I think that's what happened, right? Reed, and then, yeah, and then- There was protests because they kicked out the guy or the girl out.
A trans woman with presence of a nude individual with a penis, most commonly believed as a trans woman. The women's changing area of the spa, the video went viral, attracting significant attention from gender-critical feminists, also termed "trans-exclusionary" oh, TERFs, right? And some media, which led to protests and counter-protests. Some media outlets initially questioned whether or not the alleged incident had been a hoax. They reported again, the transgender woman was charged with indecent exposure relating to the alleged incident after four women and one minor girl filed police reports in July. Suspect is awaiting trial on seven counts of exposure. And finally, judge ruled that the indecent exposure case could proceed citing the testimony of two witnesses and the individual in question had partial or full erection for a duration of 30 to 60 minutes during the incident.
That's a bummer. It's a bummer to have a boner. But that spa is phenomenal. I mean, if I could walk around there hard, I would.
Imagine taking a fucking blue chew then going to We Spa.
But it's also a cultural thing. It's a Korean establishment, right?
What? Yeah.
And they're like, you know, it's just a different culture and it was just like, what else are they gonna do?
You're saying they, you saying they're just in their, in their removal of the...
If there's, I mean, because I know that there's always little girls and little boys. I'm talking about five, six-year-old kids running around.
And it's just a part of Korean culture to bring your kids to a spa. It's like, you know?
And I would do it if I was a father. And I don't know, I just think that it's inappropriate.
It's hard for your kid to see someone else's penis. This kid only sees my penis. My kid sees my penis.
Yeah. But they're little girls, right? So he's in the women's department.
I know.
You know what I mean?
Do you remember the first time you saw your dad's penis, by the way?
When I saw it or sucked it?
You should have did. I remember the moment I see my dad's penis. I mean, what a bummer.
I almost grew up on a nudist colony. Did I ever tell you guys that?
You almost did, so you didn't.
No, my dad wanted to take me to a nudist colony and my mom was like, I don't want the first penis she sees to be your penis.
How old were you?
I don't even remember it, but it had to have been after they were divorced, so probably around six to eight.
Seven, yeah. Wow, a nudist colony.
Different life.
Are there any nudist colonies in Southern California? Welcome to, uh, Southern California's premier family nudist resort and RV park located halfway between Los Angeles and San Diego. Glen Eden has nestled 154 acres with the base of the Cleveland National Forest. Where the perfect combination for resort for amenities and nature and stuff. Dude, we have to go to this. There's a nudist, and look, it's a Korean woman on the photo. Glen Eden Sun Club here in Southern California, the largest member-owned nudist and resort club. I am joining.
Cause dude, clothes are so fucking dumb.
I know, but look, okay, look at that photo to the left, right?
Those are what we're gonna be saying.
Yeah, I don't wanna grow up there.
Fun, fun, fun.
Like Clint Eastwood's dust dick.
Hello, partner.
Yeah, I mean, just...
No, no, I'm saying retire here. I don't wanna, I don't think you should grow up here. I should retire, I wanna retire here.
Okay, I mean...
Don't you hate laundry?
Imagine never doing laundry again and every day waking up, eating naked, swimming naked, hanging out naked. Not worrying about it. You love the wee spa naked in the sauna. Imagine if that's every day.
That's true.
And cause you got a nice little cock who cares, run around with it. What's the difference? And they do Toys for Tots.
They do blood drives. I mean, this place is fantastic.
And look at this, they're plant-based. You can go vegan there if you feel like it. I'm in. Call us up. Call us, I mean, there's just some things you can't do naked.
When did clothes start, first started happening? Cavemen, cavemen probably.
Well, I'm sure, I mean, before anything, clothes were probably for fucking warmth.
And protection, yeah.
And protection.
And then it became about puritanical fucking ideologies of covering up parts of your body.
Like shoes was probably the first thing.
Yeah. Look, they got the first shoe in Africa on there, on the, between 30,000 and 120,000 years ago. Oh, just a small gap. Between 30,000...
I know, wow.
And 120,000 years ago, early clothing was made from animal skins and fur and leaves and grass and wrapped, draped, tied around the body. Clothing changed with wealth. I mean, I just think like, you know, there was a point when... Nudity in the summer was chill and somebody didn't like it. Some small dick weirdo was like, "We should cover up."
That's so funny. That's probably exactly how it happened.
You know what I mean? Some small dick loser in the community was like, "I don't like to see other guys' penises. It's gross." And everybody's like, "What are you talking about?"
Yeah, what are you talking about, yeah?
Everyone has their penis out.
I think it's gross.
Yeah, as soon as like Leroy moved into the...
Leroy, as soon as Leroy...
I don't like when Jermaine comes over. For dinner. I don't like...
Your wife is like, "What is, what's the problem?"
"He's not my kinda guy."
Some fucking huge cock guy moved into a community and then all these fucking insecure dudes were like, "We should wear, we should wear clothing."
I don't like that, I don't like that that's out.
You know, I wanna move into the village where the Changs live.
And by the way, that's how Hacienda started, little community. Where they're like, "That's where the Asians are, that's where the whites are, that's where the black dudes are."
But do you think that if you had a time machine and you went back where cavemen were, right? And you were wearing modern clothes, they would freak out?
They'd probably, well, they'd kill you on sight.
Like, I'm wearing like a FUBU tracksuit.
You don't own that, do you?
I know, but I would buy one.
Like a full FUBU tracksuit.
Yeah, they might like it.
A fedora. Do you think they'd be like?
They'd kill you on sight.
Oh, they would?
Well, cuz you'd look like a future person.
Oh, really?
Like a spacesuit.
Like that?
If we show up, me, Donnell.
You, who else?
Me, Doc. Me, you, Doc, Donnell.
Yeah, Donnell, and just with full-blown, identical...
FUBU tracksuits?
FUBU tracksuits.
They'd be excited at first.
Cuz we'd look like we're like a group of aliens.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, they, we would.
And different colors, too, imagine.
A Korean and a redhead and black guys?
Yeah, no, you know what I would do?
And we'd start rapping?
Imagine how happy they'd be to hear rap.
Cuz they would go...
Yeah, it's natural.
They would start going along, yeah, they would hear the rhythm.
Yeah, that'd be cool, dude.
One of the cavemen starts fucking roboting. And then they kill us and eat us.
And wear the clothes.
If you, would you ever eat human? If you had...
Or have you?
If you had to?
Like that one, um, movie, is it Alive or?
Alive, yeah, the soccer team.
The soccer team, yeah.
Would you do it?
I don't know what it, I, I, I presume I would because I don't know what extreme hunger's like.
What if you got into a plane accident and you crashed in the Andes Mountains, but you still were taking your Ozempic to curb your appetite for humans? Like, you would just-
Oh, I would definitely do that.
You would just double down on it.
Oh, double down on something.
Then you're like, well, I'm not that hungry.
And everyone's like, how are you? How are you doing this?
Nothing?
Alright, anyway, thank you for being a bad friend.
Great.
Page updated November 5, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated