The Decisions You Owe Yourself

Some decisions get easier with time. Others quietly get made for you while you’re still waiting for the perfect answer. In this solo episode, Emma walks through some of the biggest choices that shape a life, from deciding whether you want children and choosing the person you want to build with, to protecting the friendships that matter and knowing when it’s time to take a bigger risk. There isn’t one right answer. The point is to get honest about what you want, understand what you’re willing to compromise on, and make the choice consciously instead of letting fear, timing, or other people make it for you. In this episode, you’ll learn: How to separate “Do I want children?” from “Am I ready right now?”The questions to ask when deciding whether a relationship can carry the future you wantHow to tell which friendships deserve more of your time and which ones you may have outgrownWhy Emma thinks you should calculate the risk of not actingHow to make a big decision without waiting for complete certaintyPlus, download Emma’s Decision Audit to work through the questions for yourself. Sign up for the newsletter at emmagrede.com http://emmagrede.com.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:09Emma Grede?

  Hello my darlings and welcome to a brand new episode of Aspire. This week, you get me, all me, on a subject that is very dear to my heart. The decisions you owe yourself before life makes them for you. Now, these are the decisions that quietly shape your whole life, whether you make them or not. No one gives you a deadline for these, and that's exactly the problem. So what I care about the most in life and what I wrote about extensively in my book and what I like to talk about, especially here on Aspire, is sharing with women the hard-won operational knowledge that I've gained over the years, the practical tools and the examples that you can see yourself in. I am not interested in content for content's sake.

• 0:52Emma Grede?

  I want you to be able to make better decisions, negotiate more confidently, own more and build lives that don't require you to disappear into everybody else's needs, which is where today's episode started. So let me ask you something. Is there a decision in your life that you keep putting off? Maybe it's whether you want children or when. Maybe it's the person you're with and whether they're really the one that you want to build a life with. Or maybe it's quieter than that. There's a friendship you've outgrown that you keep showing up for or an idea that you've had for years and you still haven't tested. I think a lot of people tell themselves that they'll decide when they're ready. There are certain decisions in your life that feel like they can wait, and sometimes they can.

• 1:36Emma Grede?

  But what I've learned is that indecision is still a decision. Your life keeps moving, your options change whether you're actively thinking about them or not. So I want to talk about some of the decisions I think women need to make much more consciously, especially in your 30s. That's when a lot of them show up first, but they follow you for the rest of your life, even if you never really make them. Even if that decade is ahead of you or behind you, I promise you, you'll recognise yourself in at least one of these.

• 2:08Emma Grede?

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• 2:52Emma Grede?

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• 3:22Speaker 01

  Our presenting sponsor today is Anthropic, the team behind Claude. Anthropic is a research company first, built to make sure the transition to powerful AI goes well. When they launched Claude in 2023, its first users were businesses. Since then, it's been tested inside leading startups and enterprises. At DoorDash, a code migration that would have taken four engineers months to complete took one person three weeks. At Carvana, one team used to hunt through old tickets and code to answer a question. With Claude, they get answers 65% faster. And at Rakuten, engineers have achieved 99.9% accuracy on tough coding jobs using Claude.

• 4:03Speaker 01

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• 4:22Emma Grede?

  I sat down to write an episode about this and it turned into two episodes. So today is the first half. The decisions that shape your family and you're in a circle. And I mean the people that you choose as well as the ones you bring along in your life, your partner and your friends. Then, we're going to talk about risk. Because as women, we just don't talk about it enough. And I'm living proof of what it can open up, especially when you start with yourself. Now, part two is going to be focused on your work, your money and your reputation. And we're going to get to that next time because you know me. I've got so much to say. I'm going to share my own story, including the parts that I wish I'd have known sooner. Because I don't think there's an honest way to talk about all of this without it. I wanted to do this one, though, a little bit differently.

• 5:08Emma Grede?

  I'm not going to hand you a list. I'm going to walk you through how I think. One question leading to the next, one decision leading to the next, so that you can find where you sit and begin your own process. So let's just jump straight in because we don't have time to waste. I'm going to start with the single biggest decision, which is this one. Decision one, deciding whether you want children, not whether you're ready to have them today. So I'm going to start here because I think that this is one that requires the biggest reframing. Here's the truth. Do I want children and am I ready to have one right now are completely different questions. And we often avoid the first because the answer appears to demand a different action. It doesn't.

• 5:52Emma Grede?

  Readiness is largely a myth. Very few thoughtful people ever feel fully prepared for the permanent upheaval of parenthood. So part readiness for now. The first question is only whether you want kids. Now, if the answer's no, let's be really, really clear. It's important to acknowledge that more and more women, for so many good reasons, are deciding not to have children. I'm not telling every woman to become a mother because I made the choice to have kids. Make no mistakes. Not wanting children is a complete answer and you don't need to find excuses for it. Now, in the US, according to the stats, when you look at adults under 50 who say they're unlikely to have children,

• 6:33Emma Grede?

  57% said a major reason is because they simply do not want them. Among women, that figure's 64%. So 64% of women who say they're unlikely to have children said it because they don't want them. End of. A fulfilling life for a woman does not require motherhood. And if that's you, start making plans for how you'll answer the inevitable questions that come up for women who make that decision. And then just go live your life. But if the answer is yes, or I probably want children, if motherhood might matter to you, ambiguity is just not a strategy. There are a couple of schools of thought here, but most of us fall into one of two buckets. So let's get into it.

• 7:14Emma Grede?

  If your answer is yes, I know with certainty that I do want to have children, then you'll need to begin to accept your choices and make a plan. Because the truth is, we have so many options, but the older we get, the worse those options become. And I learned that the hard way. So most of you who watch this show regularly, you'll know that I'm a mother of four. I experience the profound joy of motherhood and the uncertainty and the intervention and the physical cost and the lack of control and everything that comes with the journey to it. I know that wanting a child doesn't mean that you can dictate exactly when or how that child arrives. Now, I birthed my first two kids myself at 31, 33 years old.

• 7:59Emma Grede?

  The second two came by surrogate when I was around 39. And this came after multiple rounds of IVF and miscarriages. Now, what I wish I'd have understood and not taken for granted is how that timing was never, ever going to be my choice. I assume wrongly that because it had been so easy for me the first two times round and because as a young woman, like so many of you, I had trained myself to avoid pregnancy at all costs. It would always be my choice. That's what I believed. The timing was my choice. I really believed that until it no longer was. So I never, ever anticipated how the journey towards my twins would just swallow years of my life, that it would physically and mentally consume me.

• 8:42Emma Grede?

  Not to mention just the costs associated with IVF and then eventually surrogacy, which I never really thought about because I was okay, I had enough money. But it was astronomical. Now, I knew when I married my husband Jens that he was the person that I wanted to have children with. We discussed it in detail. We made plans, we talked about the timing. I still can't believe that I did that with such naivety for how much of the timing would be my choice as I aged. That was a huge mistake. The truth is, I only ever thought about the impact on my work and my life because I was in my twenties when we met. What I did get right, though, and I really want to share this with you,

• 9:23Emma Grede?

  was anticipating that being somebody that had spent so much time and energy on their career, that I really didn't want to have kids in my twenties before I could figure out how I would make the childcare work on my own if I ever had to. I knew that I needed to be making enough money without relying on my husband to afford really good childcare. Because my career would forever and will forever remain something that I wanted to protect in my life after working so hard for it. Otherwise, honestly, I would have just had a baby when I was 28. Because the truth is, I felt ready then, but I didn't think that I- I could afford to do it the way that I wanted to do it. And that would have like a knock on effect on my life down the line.

• 10:06Emma Grede?

  When you have trouble conceiving naturally, there are so many feelings. But for me, the feeling was anger and betrayal towards my body and a huge sense of a loss of control. I always, always remember thinking, I chose the timing. I made the decision to wait and it was the right one for me. They were my choices and as painful as it was, I had to live with them. And that was the only thing that actually made the ordeal more manageable for me. I was dealing with the pain of my own choices, but at least they were mine. And I suggest that you do the same. Now, let me think about this a little bit. I think that there are probably two kinds of yeses if you want children. So I want to simplify this a little bit.

• 10:49Emma Grede?

  The first one says, I'm having children, whatever happens. Come hell or high water, the timing is just gonna choose me. I don't choose it. The second one says, I want children if the conditions are right, with the right partner and the right resources. Both are completely valid, but they need different plans. So you have to work out which one you are. So let's say you're in the first group, right? I want kids no matter what. If nothing's gonna stop you, then you need to get organised. You've got to get real information about your fertility instead of relying on optimism. That is actually self-care. Make the appointments, find out what you're working with and then look properly at all of your options.

• 11:30Emma Grede?

  Whether that's egg freezing, embryo freezing or solo parenthood, that is your responsibility. None of it creates certainty, but it does create optionality. Now, if you're in the second group, if you want your shit sorted out like me before you have kids, you need to make a plan. You need to write down the conditions that need to be true for you to have a child. And then challenge every single one of them against how much you actually want and need those things to be true. Because if you're saying on one hand, I desperately want children, but I also refuse to change anything about how I live. You might be holding on to two things that can't both be true and you have to face that. You owe it to yourself.

• 12:10Emma Grede?

  The biggest danger that I see is letting your current relationship status make the decision for you. I see so many, so many of my girlfriends do that. So ask yourself, if the partner and the money were sorted, would you want to be a mother? So wherever you've landed, I want to leave you with a couple of questions. You should grab a pen if you can, or you can just come back to this later. But here are the questions that you might want to ask yourself. If nobody else had an opinion, would I want to raise a child? Then go one step further because the difference really matters. Do I want a baby and do I want the lifelong work of being somebody's mother? If the answer is yes, the next set of questions are about time.

• 12:54Emma Grede?

  Are you waiting or are you avoiding? And this is the one that I push the hardest on. Am I waiting because I need more time or because I'm afraid to choose? Put another way, am I making an active choice or am I allowing time to make it for me? Then go back, go back and ask yourself, what are my conditions? And that list of conditions that we talked about, what conditions do I believe must be perfect first? And are they actually realistic? Would I be willing to consider motherhood without a partner? Then you should get practical. How many children do I want and what does it mean for when I need to start? What do I actually know about my reproductive health?

• 13:38Emma Grede?

  And this is a big one because if we're truthful, a lot of us haven't even looked into that. If your honest answer to that one is not much, that's your first appointment. Now, the next set of questions will actually help you figure out where your partner stands. If you're with someone, ask yourself these two and then have that conversation. The first one is this, if my partner never wanted children, what would I choose? Have we discussed timelines or have we only agreed on the word someday? What does a fair division of parenting look like? And do I have the type of partner who's demonstrated fairness before we've even had children? Because let's be honest, nobody changes that much.

• 14:19Emma Grede?

  I really wanted to share this today because the goal is never to scare us into choices that we're not ready to make. But it is to stop leaving women alone with one of the most consequential decisions of their life until the decision has partially been made for them. So that's decision one, decide whether you want children.

• 14:41Emma Grede?

  We spend a lot of time thinking about how to get more value out of the things we buy. But one of the biggest payments most people make every month is for housing. And historically, that's been left out of the rewards conversation. That's why Bill is such an interesting concept. As a Built member, you can earn points on your housing payments, whether you rent or own. And those points can be redeemed towards things like flights, hotels, Lyft rides, Amazon.com purchases and even future housing payments. And the membership goes beyond your housing payments. You can link any credit card or debit card to the Built app and earn points on eligible purchases at participating restaurants and other businesses in your neighbourhood.

• 15:21Emma Grede?

  The app also has a neighbourhood concierge that can help you book a fitness class, make a dinner reservation or schedule a lift while automatically applying your member benefits. Download the Built app and join the membership for where you live at joinbill.com/emma. That's J O I N B I L T dot com slash Emma. Use our link so they know we sent you.

• 15:46Speaker 02

  Hi everyone, this is Kara Swisher.

• 15:47Speaker 03

  And I'm Scott Galloway.

• 15:48Speaker 02

  And we want to tell you about Pivot, our twice weekly podcast.

• 15:52Speaker 03

  That's right Kara, what a thrill. It's a chance for us to break down all the big things happening in tech, business and politics.

• 15:58Speaker 02

  Yes, and I keep you in check so people can make it through each episode. Whether it's digging into constant changes in the world of AI and social media or trying to keep up with whatever the fuck Elon is doing. We're here to give you our take on all of that.

• 16:09Speaker 03

  Every Tuesday and Friday morning, we drop a new episode about some of the major stories of the moment.

• 16:15Speaker 02

  And Scott is a prediction machine gazing into his crystal ball to tell you about where it's all heading.

• 16:20Speaker 03

  That's right.

• 16:21Speaker 02

  So if that sounds like a good time for you, especially Mr. That's Right, you can follow us on your favourite podcast app to get new episodes every week.

• 16:33Emma Grede?

  This is usually when the holidays start to feel real. The calendar starts filling up, the weather changes and people begin craving a little more comfort. Something softer, warmer and slower than the rest of the season. That is why cosy gifts always work. They're not overly complicated, but they still feel thoughtful because they give someone a little more of the feeling that we all want this time of year. Macy's has a lot of those pieces in their holiday gift guide. The kind of gifts someone will actually use on quiet mornings, cold nights and slower days at home. A great throw is always one of my favourite gifts because everyone uses it. The Ugg Avery Flow is exactly that kind of piece. It's simple, cosy and easy to imagine on a sofa or on the end of a bed.

• 17:18Emma Grede?

  And then there are the gifts that make someone's routine feel a little more comforting. A beautiful teapot, a soft sherpa layer, a pair of Ugg Tasman that someone can wear around the house all season. Those are the gifts that create a feeling. They make someone's space feel warmer or their routine feel a little more comforting. Macy's makes it easy to find those cosy pieces. Whether you're shopping for the homebody, the person who loves hosting or someone who could just use a little more comfort this season. Check out Macy's online gift guide for even more ideas.

• 17:54Emma Grede?

  Now, if a partner is one of your conditions, this is the next decision. Decision number two, decide whether your relationship can carry the weight of your future. Now, I have spoken about this a lot, but I really, really do believe the decision of who you marry or who you choose to spend your life with, that decision is the most important decision you will make in your life. And make no mistake, it is also a business decision as well as a life decision. Even though I know some of you didn't like to frame it that way, it is what it is. The person you choose doesn't just affect your happiness, they affect your time, your earning power, your confidence, your health, your parenting load and your appetite for risk.

• 18:39Emma Grede?

  I think that we have to ask a lot more questions before we decide whether or not someone is the one. Because love, quite frankly, will only take you so far. The questions I think about and I wish more of us thought about before we decided to combine lives would be, does this person genuinely respect my ambition or just tolerate it because it's convenient? When the work of our home life becomes invisible or repetitive, who assumes that? And is the default that you would be as the woman? How will things like children and money and domestic labour actually be divided? It's really terribly unromantic to have these conversations, I know that.

• 19:24Emma Grede?

  But at the end of the day, they'll become problems for you later in life if you haven't thought through them and just discussed them. And I always did. Are you able to discuss money with that person without there being any secrecy or shame or just theatre? Because the last thing you need is a relationship where you just can't have the frank conversations. And some of this work, you have to listen to this one, it's actually on you. What do you actually expect of yourself and of your partner? Is there a part of you that doesn't really even think it should be equal? When a child is sick and someone has to just go and pick that kid up from school, who is that going to be? What does fair look like? And has this person actually shown you fairness before you've even had children?

• 20:10Emma Grede?

  Listen, I have been reading so much recently, I'm sure you've heard about it, women in their 40s who quiet quit their marriages. It's completely terrifying. There was an amazing piece in The Cut and actually Oprah did a great podcast episode on it. It's essentially about women who literally grew out of their relationships and through lack of options, find it hard to leave their partners. We all understand the reality of that, but it got me thinking about growth. I am 100% a different person to the person my husband married, but that's never been a threat towards him. Honestly, quite the opposite because imagine being with somebody where your growth was an issue. That's why the question always has to come back to beyond the love, beyond the thrill of being with someone.

• 20:53Emma Grede?

  Is this someone that you respect, who you want to build with, who you want to have alignment with? And that you're willing to go on a journey with? Chemistry can begin a relationship, but it cannot operate a household. I think so much of this can be answered by having the hard conversations, but it starts with you being real honest about yourself. Now let's talk about friends because your partner isn't the only person that you're choosing to build your life with. So now we move into decision number three. Decide which friendships are going to be part of your future. Now, your friends, the people you choose to keep around you, will play a huge part in dictating your future. It's just a fact. I've never seen it work any other way.

• 21:36Emma Grede?

  And at some point, particularly in your thirties, that circle starts to set whether you're choosing it or not. So I want to start with the friends that knew you before anyone else did. For me, it's five women. It's a very small circle. I'd like to keep it nice and tight. My closest friends, they're Chanel, Melissa, Holly, Etty, Poppy. I met them in my late teens and early twenties at my first like real big girl job. I was broke. I was one of the youngest of the group. And in nights out when, you know, we'd head off and I'd get on the late train, Melissa would insist on giving me 20 quid for a cab home. They paid for all my cocktails. They never judged my choices and they loved me and they still love me to death. Now, they all still live in London and they knew me long before

• 22:20Emma Grede?

  anybody else knew my name. And quite honestly, I'll still fly to London for 24 hours so I don't miss their birthdays. But when I don't talk to my real friends for months, there's never ever an issue. So here's the first decision as it relates to your friendship. Work out who the people are that you never ever have to explain yourself to and protect them. Because as your life fills up, everyone gets busy. People move and they have kids and they have friendships that honestly like don't survive on their own. You have to put the work in. But here's the thing that nobody tells you. Sometimes you actually have to start again. I moved to LA and I had to work out friendships all over again at 34 years

• 23:04Emma Grede?

  of age. And at 34 years of age, what you need from your friendships is so different from what you require earlier in your life. Now, the risk for me is that I honestly, and this is going to feel so sad, but the risk for me is that I spend so much time at work that naturally the people I go the closest to are the ones I work with. But you know what they say, if you look around the table and everyone's on your payroll, you have serious problems and that's completely true. So I knew when I came to LA that I would never find friends like I made in England, the friends I've had since I was a kid. But yet finding just a little core group, a handful of people that I could be close to in my own time zone was an absolute necessity. But as you get older, friendships stop happening

• 23:49Emma Grede?

  by accident. You're no longer seeing the same people like you were at school or you were in your first job. You might have moved or had children, changed careers, or you'll be coming out of a breakup, or simply just become someone with a different set of priorities. Suddenly you look around you and you realise, I know plenty of people, but you don't necessarily have the people that you need close by. Now, with the benefit of years of experience and friendships that have come and some that have gone, what I knew I was looking for was just one or two women whose trust and honesty I could rely on. It took me years and years. Like I literally had so few friends for the first five years that I lived in LA.

• 24:30Emma Grede?

  But I did meet a handful of people for the things that I care about the most outside of work. Now, I wrote about this in Start With Yourself because I feel like I've always been a bit of a loner. And what I've learned is that I actually feel lonelier when I spend too much time with people that I don't really like, or I don't really know that well. Because small talk just isn't my friend. We all want to be known to the deepest levels. We want to be known properly. And if I'm honest, a lot of relationships in Los Angeles, they just feel transactional. That is a really tough pill to swallow when you've come from a place where people are just so straightforward and they say what they mean. So if you've moved, or if your old circle has drifted, or if you're just in some need of new friends,

• 25:15Emma Grede?

  here are the things that I actually asked myself, and this is what worked for me. What am I actually missing? Because before you go looking for friends, you have to be honest about what you want more of in your life. Who's already in your orbit that you'd like to know better? Because so often, the person that I wanted to know more is a friend of a friend or someone that I consistently see and I just want to know much better. You need to get realistic about your expectations. You can't expect instant deep friendships. You have to be willing to build trust bit by bit. And lastly, and probably the most important one, is whether or not you're actually being the kind of friend that you're looking for. It's back to you. Always start with yourself. Be someone that follows up and be

• 26:00Emma Grede?

  somebody that makes time if that's what your expectation is. Now, what I will say is that it's important that you do not, and I want you to, you can rewind this part, do not confuse your friends with your network. This one I feel super, super strongly about. Especially if you're building something. There are so many women in business that I love to see, and I do count as friends, but I never confuse the two. If I am sitting down with someone and we're being mates, I promise you, there is no business happening. And if somebody is befriending me because they think I'll do something for them, I can see it coming a mile away. I am entirely allergic to a friend who wants something from me. So decide who your friends are and what your network is and be honest about

• 26:42Emma Grede?

  which is which. You'll keep better friends and you'll make better deals. That I can promise you. Finally, find friends who tell you the truth. I mean, I can't think of anything worse than being lied to. But this one is the hardest. I meet women all the time who've started something, even friends, and I look at the plan and I have to ask, who was it that actually told you that this would be a good idea? All of those friends cheering you on, did they tell you that they'd actually buy the thing? Now, we can't really talk about anything related to friendships unless we have an honest conversation about friendships coming to a natural end. It's happened to me so many times throughout my life. Now, a lot of you might recognise this, having old friends that just bring the energy down,

• 27:27Emma Grede?

  they're no longer on your side. And one thing I know for sure is that you can never ever be friends with anyone who's jealous of you, or anyone who holds any resentment towards you for anything that you've got. It will never work. I'm somebody that loves any friend who can cut through the BS and tell me the truth. But when it bears on the side of pettiness and jealousy, that's the time you've got to rethink those friendships. So look at your circle honestly. Are these the women that tell you the truth, the ones that like push you forward? Or are they the ones that keep you small so that you fit in? You don't need a big announcement. Some friends, you just stop feeding. Whereas I like to put it to my girlfriends, you just ditch them bitches with a simple and direct conversation. Listen,

• 28:12Emma Grede?

  I have never ghosted anyone in my life and I never will. But equally, I don't carry relationships that leave me feeling drained or bad about things. I have two modes, all in or out. I'm realising as I actually say this, that I've never successfully reset a friendship after it got to a bad place. But maybe that's just me. I don't know if it's such a good thing to admit, but it is what it is.

• 28:38Emma Grede?

  One thing I've learned about building Good American is that getting someone interested in your product is only the beginning. You have to make it easy for them to find you, shop with you and come back. That's one of the reasons we use Shopify at Good American. Shopify is the commerce platform that powers our online store and it gives businesses the tools to manage their storefront and customer relationships. What's interesting is how much easier it is to start a business today. You don't need a physical store or the kind of upfront investment that used to be required just to start selling. Shopify lets you build your own storefront while also reaching customers while they're already discovering products, whether that's social media or the shop app. Shop Pay makes checkout

• 29:20Emma Grede?

  faster so there's less standing between someone finding a product they love and actually buying it. If you want to know how good it feels to have a business of your own, go to Shopify.com/aspire and see what Shopify can help you accomplish. One thing I've learned from having four kids is that you can care deeply about nutrition and still be realistic about what family life actually looks like. I want my kids eating well, but I also know that mornings are busy, their tastes change, and I'm always looking for ways to make the routine a little easier. That's why I give my kids Ella Ola. I love how simple it is and I feel good about what I'm giving them. It's a tasteless, colourless, multi-vitamin powder for kids ages two to 11, developed with paediatricians.

• 30:03Emma Grede?

  You just mix one daily sachet into something they're already eating or drinking, whether that's yogurt, milk or a smoothie. There's no taste or colour to change what they're having. Each serving has 19 essential vitamins and minerals, plus nutrients from 15 organic fruits and vegetables, with zero sugar and no artificial dyes or sweeteners. Now, with four kids, I appreciate anything that makes the daily routine a little easier. And Ella Ola is something I'm genuinely glad we've made part of ours. Ella Ola is offering my listeners 20% off your first purchase. Just go to EllaOla.com/emma. Discount is applied automatically. No code needed. Try it risk free with Ella Ola's 45 day money back guarantee.

• 30:47Emma Grede?

  Go to EllaOla.com/emma for 20% off your first purchase.

• 30:54Speaker 04

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• 31:38Speaker 04

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• 31:56Emma Grede?

  Now, when I think about the move to LA, it wasn't only the friendships that I had to rebuild, it was my whole business, which brings me nicely on to our last decision. Decision number four, the decision to take more risks. Now, if you haven't already, this is the moment that you have to go and get a pen and paper. Because as I said in my book, Start With Yourself, in case you don't already know, risk is a requirement for growth and playing it safe, that's the real danger. Risk is the bridge between who you are today and where you're going. Now, there is a golden window that I wish more of us understood. And for so many of us, that's in our 30s. That's the decade that we've gained enough life experience.

• 32:41Emma Grede?

  It's when we're not falling for charm, we're not easily swayed, we've worked a bit, we've learned a bit, we know more about who we are, we know more about ourselves, we know more about what we want, we know what motivates us and we know what doesn't work for us. By now, you've built some real skills, some judgment, you've got some relationships and you have a reputation. And yet, you're still relatively free, free from the burden of too much obligation and responsibility. Hopefully, not too financially burdened or becoming less so. And it's in that moment, it's that window where we need to open our appetite for risk. Now, I am not talking about stupid, throw caution to the wind risk, like put it all on red risk.

• 33:24Emma Grede?

  No, but I am talking about taking a bet on yourself, on your life, and being willing to make mistakes, take chances to start that business, to create that side hustle, to ask for the promotion or move locations, to just go for the thing that you want. Because while it's not your last chance, it may be the first time that you have enough evidence to bet seriously on yourself. What I'm actually asking you to do here is look at the opportunity cost if you don't risk anything. I'm going to say it for you again. I want you to look at the opportunity cost if you don't risk anything. I want you to actually calculate the risk of not acting. What happens when you stay another five years?

• 34:09Emma Grede?

  You become less employable, less energized, more resentful. What happens when somebody less capable creates an opportunity that you were waiting to be ready to start yourself? How do you feel then? Intelligent risk means that the downside is survivable, but the upside could really materially change your life. You know what you're willing to lose. You've got some runway and you've got a fallback plan, but you have to act before the certainty arrives. Now, I am definitely not asking women to gamble their lives away here, but I am asking you to stop requiring a guarantee before you back yourself. We are always, always taught to earn opportunities through absolute flawless performance.

• 34:53Emma Grede?

  I promise you, that is not what the guys are doing. We wait to be qualified and financially secure and supported, but the biggest opportunities don't arrive with that degree of certainty. And as I said, men are always encouraged to interpret confidence as potential. And as a woman, we interpret uncertainty as some type of evidence that we're not prepared. Let me tell you, self-trust is built from evidence. You make a decision, you act, you learn and you keep promises to yourself. I want you to learn that in your head and say it to yourself over and over and over again. We've been taught to ask, how do I know if I can do it?

• 35:33Emma Grede?

  But most meaningful decisions, they're built by people that asked a totally different question. Do I know enough to begin? That's it. That's all it is. Now, I'm of course aware that sometimes risk is not affordable. If you are supporting relatives or you're raising children or you're managing debt or you've got to rely on healthcare from an employer, for example, then you can't make the same bet as somebody who's got family money or more privileged. But you can take a proportionate risk. And I think you should think about that. Take the smallest risk that creates real movement. What I want you to do is ask for a promotion or an introduction or an investment opportunity.

• 36:14Emma Grede?

  Most transformative risk actually begins with a really uncomfortable conversation. So I want you to test ideas. Try to sell the product that you're thinking about to 10 people. Try to consult on the weekends or publish the idea you were thinking about. I am asking you just to commit to making a move in the direction of something that feels risky. You should literally give yourself a deadline and say, I'm going to try to do that by next week. Because if you fail, I promise that you would have gained so much anyway. I could tell you so many stories about things that haven't worked out that I've tried. Businesses that I thought were a sure thing, that totally flopped. I've lost money, I've lost relationships, but it doesn't kill you.

• 36:59Emma Grede?

  It actually just adds to your story and it makes you so much better for the next thing. Now, without a doubt, the two biggest risks I took in my life have opened up the biggest possibilities. The first one was leaving my corporate job in my 20s. And the second, later in my 30s, was leaving England and coming to the US. Now, in both of those instances, I went into the unknown after a lot of deliberation with myself. First, I started my own business and it was contending with all of the learnings and the fear that came with that. I worried every single day that I wouldn't make enough to pay my rent. Then eventually, when that went away, I wouldn't be able to make payroll. That I wouldn't be able to win enough new business to sustain

• 37:44Emma Grede?

  an office of people that kept growing and growing. All I knew for sure is that the only thing scarier than setting up and going alone would be staying stuck where I was and leaving my earning potential in the hands of somebody else. Now, coming to the US, a similar pattern of uncertainty came back to visit. But this time, I had two small kids, a great life that I was leaving behind. And yet again, I found myself moving into the unknown with a new business that I had little experience to operate and no social safety net. I'm someone who prides themselves on having a small but mighty friendship group that can help me navigate the worst of times. But I left all of that behind because I knew that I wanted a bigger life than the one I was living.

• 38:28Emma Grede?

  And I just reasoned that actually, the downside of the move not working out for me was just the cost of ego damage. The cost of starting over again if it didn't go to plan. There was just nothing to it but to do it. And it kind of worked out, so far, anyway. Now, looking back in my journals and in my notes app, I did a really good job of processing the risks. So I want to share with you the things that you should ask yourself and the questions that I asked that ultimately helped me make those pivotal decisions. The first one was, what do I want and why do I want it? You really have to question yourself. You have to get honest here. Because if you want more, more money, more anything, you have to ask for it.

• 39:11Emma Grede?

  You can't hide behind soft ambition. The next question, which I really deliberated on, was what am I afraid of? This is key because the things that you're scared of, you have to figure out, are they legit or are they more about ego? The next question is, what's the real downside and can I recover from it? Sometimes just confronting what could go wrong helps you move through the fear of it actually happening. Then you have to ask, what's the cost of staying where I am? Look forward at yourself five years from now and ask yourself, would I be okay if things stayed exactly the same? If I stayed exactly where I am now? What I know for sure and what I'm assuming so much of what we're grappling with

• 39:54Emma Grede?

  is old stories that we've told ourselves over and over again. And I've spoken about this so much in my book, but so many of our old stories about ourselves don't serve us and they need to be replaced with new ones. You have to ask yourself, what's a small move I can make to test this? Sometimes the risk doesn't need to be all or nothing. If you can find a way to test whatever it is, then you absolutely should. So here is what I want you to take away from today. There will never, ever be a decade that's without any uncertainty, whether it's your 20s, your 30s, your 40s and even your 50s. There's never going to be a moment where everything just lines up and somebody hands you permission. The point isn't to make perfect decisions.

• 40:38Emma Grede?

  The point is just to make really conscious ones and then take full responsibility for what they create. Whatever stage of life you're in, indecision is always a decision at any age. And I want you to make sure that you understand every choice is not consequence free. Your life is always happening. It's being built whether you participate in building it or not. So you should start with yourself. Tell yourself the truth, make your own decisions and move through life knowing that you are in the driver's seat. So we made a decision audit to actually go with this episode with the questions that I walked through today. So you can sit down and go through them properly. Sign up for our newsletter at my website, it's emagreed.com

• 41:22Emma Grede?

  and we'll send it to you for free. Now, next time is part two. We're going to cover your money, your work and the reputation you build by doing both. I cannot wait to hear what you think of this episode. Send me your questions, send me your comments. We will make sure that we think about every single thing that you come back to us. And make sure that you like and subscribe. I shall see you next time.

• 41:47Emma Grede?

  If you're loving this podcast, be sure to click follow on your favorite listening platform. While you're there, give us a review and a five-star rating and share an episode you loved with a friend. We'll be so grateful. Aspire with Emma Grede is presented by Odyssey. I'm your host, Emma Grede. Our executive producers are Ashley McShan, Derek Brown and me. Executive producers from Odyssey are Asha Saluja and Leah Reese Dennis. Producer KK Sublime. Stephen Key is our senior producer. Sound design and engineering by Bill Schultz. Angela Peluso is our booker. Original music by Charles Black. Video production by Phil Sweetech and Carla Stelgardo. Social media by Olivia Homan, Catherine Bale.

• 42:29Emma Grede?

  Special thanks to Brittany Smith, Sidney Ford, my teams at The Lead Company and WME. Josefina Francis, Hillary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Kate Hutchinson Rose, Tim Meekle, Evan Cox, Kurt Courtney, Andrew Steele, Sean Cherry and Lauren Vieira. If you have questions for me, you can DM me at aspirewithemmagreed. Grede is spelt G R E D E. That's aspire, A S P I R E with Emma Grede. Or you can submit a question to me on my website, emmagreed.me.

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