Movie Cowboys

Get your spurs on and your pistols ready to duel - it’s time for a four-way showdown from your favorite movie cowboys! From spaghetti westerns to singing westerns and beyond, the Wild West and its stories of adventure, bandits, saloons full of revelry, and of course cowboys on their trusty steeds have captivated the hearts of the American public. This week on the pod, we sit down with 4 of the most influential modern movie cowboys to hear what they love about the work, how they tap into the soul of the American West, and the unique challenges of being a fake cowboy. So put on your cowboy hat, have Alexa play “Old West Song” from the Good, the Bad, and The Ugly, and listen in! MERCH HERE! https://artistsonartistsonartistsonartists.com/shop This episode was filmed in the beautiful Dynasty Typewriter Theater, and tech-produced by Samuel Curtis. For live shows and events you can find more about them at dynastytypewriter.com. To learn more about the BTS of this episode and to find a world of challenges, games, inside scoop, and the Artists being themselves, subscribe to our Patreon! You won't be disappointed with what you find. Check out patreon.com/aoaoaoapod Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists is an improvised Hollywood roundtable podcast Created and Hosted by Kylie Brakeman, Jeremy Culhane, Angela Giarratana and Patrick McDonald. It is a production of Will Ferrell’s Big Money Players and iHeartMedia Podcasts. Executive Produced by Matt Apodaca and produced by Alexandra Dennis and Laservision Productions. Music By Gabriel Ponton, editing by Conner McCabe, and social media editing by Adam Keller. Thumbnails by Josh Fleury and logo design by Lucy Tomkiewicz. Hollywood's talking. Make sure you're listening. Subscribe to us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and YouTube! Please rate us five stars! See omnystudio.com/listener https://omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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  My name is Jessa. One of the things I love the most about working for United Healthcare is that everybody matters. Every moment matters. There's a person behind every problem. I care because it's what I was put on this earth to do.

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  Welcome back to Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists. This week, get your e-hawn, it's movie cowboys.

• 3:18Speaker 06

  Movie cowboys have been around basically from the dawn of film itself. From spaghetti westerns to American classics, these had a hold on Hollywood and cinema for years and years and years. And now, in the new age, we have cowboy shows. But has the cowboy movie star fallen completely off? Today, we'll sit down with four stars to get to the bottom of it. The legend of the American cowboy is as American as apple pie. And these four movie cowboys are just a couple of the incredible men, women, and, non-binary maybe, people that have created the landscape we know as the Wild West.

• 4:04Speaker 03

  So sit back, frame up,

• 4:08Speaker 03

  gun up,

• 4:10Speaker 02

  and hat on. Let's listen in.

• 4:16Speaker 06

  Well, howdy!

• 4:20Speaker 06

  How y'all doing today?

• 4:22Speaker 01

  Well, certainly, certainly can't complain, can't complain.

• 4:27Speaker 06

  Well, howdy, howdy, howdy to you. Howdy, all of y'all. It's such an honor and a privilege to be sitting down with some of the greats, I would say.

• 4:38Speaker 01

  My God. It is such a privilege.

• 4:41Speaker 06

  Don't take your horse here. I took my car. That's hilarious. No, I drive my Lamborghini. It's Italian-made. Italian-made is a great car.

• 4:52Speaker 01

  Italian, I do love Italian.

• 4:55Speaker 06

  Italian-made.

• 4:57Speaker 01

  Italian is good stuff.

• 4:59Speaker 06

  Make it different over there. Italians also make country movies. Western spaghetti westerns.

• 5:06Speaker 01

  Spaghetti westerns. You ever tried a bucatini western?

• 5:11Speaker 06

  Oh, baby. Yum-yum.

• 5:13Speaker 01

  A fettuccine Alfredo western.

• 5:16Speaker 06

  Hold on a minute. What's the difference between a bucatini western and a spaghetti western?

• 5:20Speaker 01

  Well, a bucatini western has 50% more beef.

• 5:25Speaker 06

  Wow.

• 5:26Speaker 01

  More cows involved. Fettuccine Alfredo western, snows.

• 5:31Speaker 06

  Wow. You know, a tagliatelle western, thinner plot. Penny western, full of holes.

• 5:40Speaker 01

  Lasagna western, well, there's layers to this one.

• 5:46Speaker 01

  Iffigato western. Wake you up, spit you out, sugar you up, put you in school.

• 5:53Speaker 06

  Ravioli western, you know there's something right in the middle there that's gonna get you going, you know? Carvenaro western, you eat it for dinner, but it feels like breakfast.

• 6:04Speaker 01

  Macaroni western, just something quick for the kids to go off to school.

• 6:08Speaker 06

  Absolutely.

• 6:08Speaker 01

  Just something quick. Maggiano's western, get a pasta, take a pasta.

• 6:14Speaker 01

  You get a western on the way home.

• 6:16Speaker 06

  Love it. I love seeing a movie in the theaters and I hand you a western as you leave. I love that. It's delicious.

• 6:22Speaker 01

  Well, now that we are that settled.

• 6:26Speaker 06

  Yeah, I don't think that's settled.

• 6:29Speaker 01

  I don't think that's settled. Now, let's make sure we go through all our topics today. We can cross off spaghetti western and its many other counterparts.

• 6:38Speaker 06

  We got Italians down.

• 6:40Speaker 01

  Italians. Although, I do think I may have some more thoughts on Italians down the road.

• 6:47Speaker 06

  We all have a lot of thoughts on all them European countries.

• 6:51Speaker 01

  Unfortunately, I think we could keep going and maybe we'll get back to it.

• 6:56Speaker 06

  I think we might. Well, let's, why don't we go around and introduce ourselves first? And of course, we all know how we are known, but maybe we could tell the audience, these city folk.

• 7:07Speaker 01

  These shitty slickers.

• 7:09Speaker 06

  Urban sons of guns.

• 7:11Speaker 01

  These little city slickers on their lime scooters. I'll tell you, though, I'll tell you this. Some of these city slickers, sometimes I'll find a cowboy in it. Like, I'll be on a set, big HBO set, and I see a grip, and I go, that's a cowboy.

• 7:29Speaker 06

  Absolutely.

• 7:29Speaker 01

  That's a damn cowboy.

• 7:30Speaker 06

  Cowboy ain't no hat, or that ain't no polo tie. Cowboy's an attitude.

• 7:35Speaker 01

  Sometimes the cowboy's in the eyes. I seen a scripty that's a cowboy.

• 7:40Speaker 06

  I ain't never met no scripty that's a cowboy. I'll go on record.

• 7:43Speaker 01

  To be honest, I have not as well, but I know they're out there.

• 7:46Speaker 06

  I went to a grocery store, woman gave me a bag without charging me for it. That's a cowboy. Now, that's a cowboy.

• 7:53Speaker 01

  That's a cowboy.

• 7:54Speaker 06

  I want Tom at an eight-second second.

• 7:59Speaker 01

  Chicken, chicken.

• 7:59Speaker 06

  Who is so close to being a cowboy. They were just starting off. Cow, cow little boy is what I like to call it. Cow child. Cow child.

• 8:07Speaker 01

  Cow child. Cow child.

• 8:10Speaker 06

  Cow child, how sad. You ain't there yet. Well, come on, let's, come on, guys.

• 8:15Speaker 01

  Well, come on.

• 8:16Speaker 06

  You getting me distracted. We're wandering more than a calf in the meadow.

• 8:21Speaker 01

  Come on, come on.

• 8:22Speaker 06

  And they do love to wander.

• 8:24Speaker 01

  Those calves love to wander.

• 8:27Speaker 06

  Drolling more than a barfly on his fourth round.

• 8:31Speaker 01

  Oh, God. I'll say it, I'll say it too.

• 8:35Speaker 06

  Whoa, went a little New York there, that's fun.

• 8:37Speaker 01

  No, I did it. I took my stick out my mouth, it changed the way my sound came out.

• 8:42Speaker 06

  Keep it in, stay country.

• 8:44Speaker 01

  I'll keep it in. The sound changes.

• 8:47Speaker 06

  Okay, hi, y'all. My name, of course, is Sam Spie.

• 8:51Speaker 01

  Good God, Sam Spie, the one and only.

• 8:54Speaker 06

  One of my best friends sitting here. We came through all of it. We came up and down together.

• 8:59Speaker 01

  All of it.

• 8:59Speaker 06

  All of it. I mean, we were constantly competing for such similar roles a lot of the time.

• 9:04Speaker 01

  Back in the day, when you wouldn't tape it before, we'd see each other in the hallways of the audition rooms.

• 9:10Speaker 06

  And that's when you could really tell who the true cowboys were and who were just these Hollywood schmucks. Well, a true cowboy has a different kind of slate. Yeah, we go.

• 9:20Speaker 01

  Oh, we gotta talk cowboy slates.

• 9:22Speaker 06

  We'll talk cowboy slate in a second.

• 9:25Speaker 01

  After we go back to spaghetti western, more Italian dishes.

• 9:29Speaker 06

  Italian and slate.

• 9:31Speaker 01

  We gotta put it on the minute, so we're gonna add cowboy slates to the minute.

• 9:35Speaker 06

  Put it on the itinerary. Itinerary, good idea. So I'm Sam Spie. Been in a lot of westerns, a lot of cowboy stuff on a ranch myself down in Fort Worth area, right outside of Coppell, Texas. And you might know me now, because I run Dirt Guy. I'm the lead in Dirt Guy, a show on Paramount Plus.

• 9:58Speaker 01

  How many seasons you got there?

• 9:59Speaker 06

  We're on season four, I believe. Well, howdy! Yeah, thank you.

• 10:04Speaker 01

  Well, howdy. I heard you signed a 400-season contract.

• 10:09Speaker 06

  I signed a 400-season contract.

• 10:11Speaker 01

  First of its kind.

• 10:12Speaker 06

  First of its kind, 400 seasons of Dirt Guy. And we're just getting started. We got 10 times the amount of seasons coming to you on Paramount Plus. It's kind of the new age cowboy, you know? I ain't wearing the gear, I ain't dressed, I'm wearing, you know, flannel and a trucker hat, but boy, do I get things done.

• 10:32Speaker 01

  God, do you.

• 10:33Speaker 06

  Now, I heard that that whole time show is based off a Guy that a bunch of people heard yelling crazy things somewhere outside of Odessa, Texas? That's exactly what it's based on.

• 10:43Speaker 01

  It's crazy. You can get the rights to anything these days.

• 10:46Speaker 06

  Amazing. We had to buy those rights.

• 10:48Speaker 01

  You had to buy them?

• 10:50Speaker 06

  It works now. You couldn't just write a movie. Now we had to go find this guy.

• 10:54Speaker 01

  You're damn kid.

• 10:55Speaker 06

  And buy the rights of him having a mental breakdown outside of Odessa.

• 10:58Speaker 01

  You had to option a mental breakdown.

• 11:00Speaker 06

  We had to option a mental breakdown. It takes all sorts. I mean, that's the most interesting thing. Cowboy life and Hollywood life, it's where you find the middle that is always going to be interesting because it ain't ballpark Hollywood. We ain't gonna go work with the big studios, but we have to. Right, absolutely. Yeah. So I'm Sam Spock and check out Dirt Guy.

• 11:23Speaker 01

  I will say really quickly, though, what you're talking about is interesting because I'd say the studio model, some of these streamers, some of these indie platforms, those are cowboys.

• 11:32Speaker 06

  Well, I like to think about it like the studio is the big ranch and the indies are the guys just starting it up, looking for gold on the side.

• 11:42Speaker 01

  Now, who's the horse in this?

• 11:44Speaker 06

  So the horse in this is all-

• 11:45Speaker 01

  Showrunner.

• 11:46Speaker 06

  That's the showrunner.

• 11:47Speaker 01

  Showrunner.

• 11:48Speaker 06

  Showrunner. Who's the saddle? The saddle that's an exec that attaches to the showrunner. Okay.

• 11:55Speaker 01

  Oh, sort of an executive pro reducer.

• 11:58Speaker 06

  An executive producer. That's a hard word for you, huh?

• 12:01Speaker 01

  Executive producer. Sometimes I'll see a horse. I'll go get him by the end. You get my idea. Sometimes I'll see a horse going fast and I go, that's the fastest showrunner.

• 12:11Speaker 06

  That's his fastest show-

• 12:12Speaker 01

  Fastest showrunner in Hollywood.

• 12:13Speaker 06

  Absolutely.

• 12:14Speaker 01

  Sometimes if a horse is trotting, you go, he's running at half showrunner right now.

• 12:19Speaker 06

  Half horsepower. I think showrunner power might be more appropriate. Show power. I tell you what, if cars are running on showrunner power, there ain't be one going on the highway.

• 12:31Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 12:32Speaker 06

  Let me tell you. I tell you what.

• 12:34Speaker 01

  You tell me?

• 12:36Speaker 06

  You tell me nut.

• 12:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, I tell you what, you tell me.

• 12:40Speaker 06

  Oh, my goodness, y'all.

• 12:42Speaker 01

  Tell me what or you tell me nothing about that?

• 12:44Speaker 06

  Well, howdy. How y'all doing today? My name is Randall Gentry.

• 12:50Speaker 01

  Randall Gentry.

• 12:52Speaker 06

  Y'all might know me as a singing cowboy from many, many, many years past. Also hosted the Randall Gentry Hour on television for 40 years, singing for children with my favorite puppet sidekick, Poopy Whoopie. Poopy Whoopie. I mean, I grew up on Poopy Whoopie. Poopy Whoopie, the crazy old cowboy. Come on in, make all sorts of noises. Oh, he had a lot of fun singing around the campfire with old Poopy Whoopie and his horse, Scoop. Poopy Whoopie and Scoop.

• 13:29Speaker 01

  Poopy Whoopie.

• 13:30Speaker 06

  And can I say, you must be at least 112, but you look no day over 28. I haven't gotten older. I have just gotten more excited to be alive.

• 13:40Speaker 01

  My God, that's beautiful. So what is your secret then? Is it cowboy Ozempic?

• 13:46Speaker 06

  Is it bush beans?

• 13:48Speaker 01

  Is it cowboy injections of some sort? Cowboy Botox?

• 13:53Speaker 06

  I wake up-

• 13:54Speaker 01

  Cowboy bleph surgery?

• 13:56Speaker 06

  I don't touch the stuff. I wake up- Cowboy bleph surgery. I didn't get cowboy bleph.

• 14:02Speaker 01

  You didn't get a little bit of cowboy-

• 14:03Speaker 06

  You think I got cowboy bleph?

• 14:05Speaker 01

  You got a little bit. Oh, please. If you don't have cowboy bleph surgery, I'll eat my damn hat.

• 14:11Speaker 06

  If y'all don't know what cowboy bleph surgery is, it's when a rattlesnake bites you above the eye. It makes you look so beautiful.

• 14:17Speaker 01

  And you can find that rattlesnake in Santa Monica where barely-

• 14:20Speaker 06

  Now, now, now. I ain't touched nothing on my face that the sun ain't touched first.

• 14:29Speaker 01

  Lord God.

• 14:30Speaker 06

  I'm a cowboy through and through. Whatever Mother Earth wants its way with, it will have.

• 14:35Speaker 01

  A TV cowboy.

• 14:37Speaker 06

  I'm a TV cowboy and a singing cowboy. Come on, give the people your intro song to your show. I mean, it brings a tear to my heart and an eye to my soul.

• 14:48Speaker 01

  And don't forget Poopy's part.

• 14:50Speaker 06

  All right.

• 14:51Speaker 01

  Poopy's part is most of it for me. Go ahead.

• 14:55Speaker 06

  Giddy up, ring the bell. It's a cowboy corral.

• 15:02Speaker 01

  Giddy up, ring the bell. It's a cowboy corral.

• 15:10Speaker 06

  Absolutely beautiful.

• 15:11Speaker 01

  Absolutely.

• 15:12Speaker 06

  Now, it sounds better when you hear it coming from Poopy's mouth, but I try my hardest. That was beautiful.

• 15:18Speaker 01

  Oh, no, that is absolutely nostalgic. I feel like I am a little girl in my grandpa's TV room again.

• 15:28Speaker 06

  I am so happy that y'all grew up with Poopy Whoopie and me. We had a lot of fun. I mean, that's how I learned culture. You had everybody on your show. You had Randy Dink. You had-

• 15:40Speaker 01

  Dink.

• 15:41Speaker 06

  You had Cowgirl Suzie Q. We had Okie Kook. We-

• 15:48Speaker 01

  Okie Kook, the first time I saw Okie Kook on my TV screen, I was in my grandfather's TV room. I'm sucking on a mint and I went, oh my God, Okie Kook.

• 15:57Speaker 06

  You remember, you remember when Okie Kook last hit me by the foot in front of him side now?

• 16:02Speaker 01

  How could I forget?

• 16:04Speaker 06

  He said a lot like a horse at the beginning of that. You remember? You remember that?

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• 18:09Speaker 01

  My name is Jessa. One of the things I love the most about working for United Healthcare is that everybody matters. Every moment matters. There's a person behind every problem. I care because it's what I was put on this earth to do.

• 18:25Speaker 02

  I'm Ben and I work at United Healthcare. I am just one piece of a larger puzzle, but every piece matters. It's more than just work. We want to make the healthcare system better for everyone. I care because I want to make a difference. That's what committed to care means to me.

• 18:40Speaker 01

  Join me, Cindy Lauper, with chef Michelle Bernstein and Dr. Panico, to talk about psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis, the potential connection and risk of developing permanent joint damage.

• 18:54Speaker 05

  Cosentyx secukinumab is prescribed for adults with moderate to severe plaque psoriasis 300-milligram dose and adults with active psoriatic arthritis 150-milligram dose. Don't use if you're allergic to Cosentyx. Before starting, get checked for tuberculosis. An increased risk of infections and lowered ability to fight them may occur, like tuberculosis or other serious bacterial, fungal, or viral infections. Some are fatal. Tell your doctor if you have an infection or symptoms like fevers, sweats, chills, muscle aches, or cough, had a vaccine or plan to, or if inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop or worsen. Serious allergic reactions and severe eczema-like skin reactions may occur. Learn more at 1-844-COSentyx or cosentyx.com/cindy.

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  It's some of the best activewear, you guys. I have the Halo Essential Wide Leg Pant and I love them. I live in them, you guys. I could wear them all day. They're so nice and stretchy and I love the little tire on my waist. It's a perfect pant.

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  I'm obsessed with these Sunday Performance Joggers. I put them on for my really long walks and then after my walk, when I'm exhausted, I wear them on the couch as I watch my favorite show. They have this soft performance stretch knit that wicks moisture and there's this cool tapered leg with a cuffed ankle. I look good, I feel good, and it's nice to be out in these Viori clothes. They're the best. Our listeners can get 20% off your first Viori purchase at viori.com/artists.

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• 21:38Speaker 06

  Wow, that's a lot.

• 21:39Speaker 03

  Nice to be here.

• 21:40Speaker 01

  Well, now, you are just the most chipper man in Hollywood, I do believe that.

• 21:45Speaker 03

  I'm happy to be there.

• 21:46Speaker 01

  It's a lot coming from you. Oh, please. That's a lot coming from you, son. You think I'm chipper? I think you're the alp, he said, honey. You think I'm... Oh, I see what you're saying.

• 21:58Speaker 03

  Lip it.

• 21:59Speaker 01

  You're accusing me of having a sour attitude. Oh, come on. Well, I tell you, I don't get sour unless the world make me sour.

• 22:10Speaker 06

  Oh.

• 22:11Speaker 01

  Like a sour old gobsmacker or a Mike and Ike. Listen.

• 22:19Speaker 06

  Both things not very sour, I gotta say.

• 22:21Speaker 01

  Hey, Mike and Ike, no, no, don't do that.

• 22:24Speaker 06

  A sour Mike and Ike, I ain't never heard of that.

• 22:27Speaker 01

  You would say Mike and Ike is sweet?

• 22:29Speaker 06

  Now, this is, that's why, not the main reason why, why we calling this guy the Candy Cowboy. The Candy Cowboy.

• 22:35Speaker 01

  I'm the Candy Cowboy. Beg your pardon, beg your pardon, beg your pardon.

• 22:40Speaker 06

  One of the many nicknames this guy has.

• 22:42Speaker 01

  My name is Dirt Mud Horse Lasso Esquire. Lord golf.

• 22:51Speaker 06

  Dirt Mud Horse.

• 22:52Speaker 01

  Lasso Esquire.

• 22:54Speaker 03

  So what's the first and what's the last name, which has never been able to ask?

• 22:58Speaker 06

  It's Dirt Mud Horse Lasso Esquire. And he's a lawyer.

• 23:02Speaker 01

  Dirt Mud, middle name Horse Lasso, last name Esquire.

• 23:06Speaker 06

  Your last name is Esquire. I thought, this whole time, I thought you was a lawyer.

• 23:12Speaker 01

  I thought you were a lawyer. I regret representing you in court that day. I wasn't qualified, and I'll come to that now like a man.

• 23:21Speaker 06

  I guarantee, we lost that whole-handedly.

• 23:25Speaker 01

  Whole-handed lawsuit. You'll get your custody back one day. Listen, I was a movie cowboy of the Esther year in the 1970s, around down then. Then I'm a little, took a little bit of a break because of the cowboy, less, less of those movies were made.

• 23:46Speaker 06

  It all became cocaine in Florida, Miami.

• 23:50Speaker 01

  It became, it is a shame. Florida cowboy is a different kind of cowboy. It's a cowboy with flip-flops on and a weird tan.

• 23:58Speaker 06

  A white, wearing a white.

• 24:00Speaker 03

  I ain't never been a cowboy with a fan boat.

• 24:02Speaker 06

  Hey, how can you wear white if you're a cowboy? You're gonna get covered in mud by the end of the day.

• 24:06Speaker 01

  You're gonna get dirty. This was a white shirt originally.

• 24:09Speaker 06

  Hey, y'all.

• 24:09Speaker 01

  Hey, look, I, and I, I, I feel that my career has, um, I've had to make some choices because I had a personal, I was Taylor Sheridan's bully in school.

• 24:22Speaker 06

  Oh, tough.

• 24:23Speaker 01

  Finally owning it now. I've been cut out of the whole Yellowstone situation. Sometimes he sends me all auditions as a prank, and then I do them, and then he goes, "Pank, it was me, Taylor Sheridan, you ain't never getting that part."

• 24:40Speaker 06

  Oh, brother.

• 24:41Speaker 03

  You hate to see that.

• 24:42Speaker 01

  You hate to see it. So I have pivoted to, uh, Christian films for financial purposes.

• 24:49Speaker 03

  Wonderful.

• 24:50Speaker 01

  A good, a healthy, a wealthy field.

• 24:53Speaker 06

  You know, we don't respect that film enough. You're doing the Lord's work, and it's great work.

• 24:58Speaker 01

  And that's what it's called, "The Lord's Work is the Great Work."

• 25:02Speaker 06

  Yeah, I saw that movie, I thought it was great. You're writing an exam, you decided to go back to school to prove the professor wrong.

• 25:09Speaker 01

  Thank you, yes. That is what I do. I am a cowboy, and I, I, I go back to school to prove the professor wrong, and this school's full of all these nasty liberal kids.

• 25:21Speaker 06

  They got all kinds of colored hair.

• 25:23Speaker 01

  All kinds of hair, hair every color of the rainbow. That don't look natural, no. Green, orange, purple, blue.

• 25:32Speaker 06

  It's crazy.

• 25:33Speaker 03

  Sounds like my wife when she left the sock in the washer with her wigs.

• 25:38Speaker 01

  She washes her wigs in the washer?

• 25:39Speaker 06

  She washes.

• 25:40Speaker 01

  She washes her wig in the washer?

• 25:42Speaker 03

  It's not what you're thinking. They're made of wool.

• 25:45Speaker 01

  That's not what I was thinking.

• 25:47Speaker 06

  And is the sock, is it like, so the sock is dying, the wig's colors?

• 25:51Speaker 03

  She left the pink sock with her gray wool wig.

• 25:56Speaker 01

  Wait, the wool, the wig is wool, so I think the wool, the wig sounds like more of a sock than the wig is.

• 26:03Speaker 03

  I don't know women, I'm a cowboy.

• 26:06Speaker 01

  Well, that's fair enough, damn straight. Damn straight. The strength of that little pink sock to make all those wool gray hairs pink.

• 26:16Speaker 03

  Ain't it amazing?

• 26:17Speaker 01

  That's the shine, that's the thing about being a cowboy, you know, sometimes a little gopher can affect the whole ecosystem of all the horses. Speaking of David and Goliath. Are you a Christian, or are you just doing it for the, the work? I am, I have decided in my best interest, it would be, I am, I, I, on Instagram, I am Christian. And I challenge you to find an Instagram account in which I am not Christian.

• 26:45Speaker 03

  Congratulations to your account for converting to Christianity.

• 26:49Speaker 06

  Congratulations, that's a very big move for your Instagram account to finally commit to Christianity.

• 26:54Speaker 01

  Thank you. My Instagram account is, is found the light one day, and my, my account and my posts, they have accepted all that comes with it.

• 27:04Speaker 06

  I love some of these movie scenes about you going up to some of these kids, and they're talking, and they say something like, "You don't believe in evolution," and your retort when they come, it's just an amazing moment.

• 27:16Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, I got a lot of zingers.

• 27:18Speaker 06

  Can we watch a scene of you kind of confronting these kids and calling?

• 27:22Speaker 03

  I wanna see that.

• 27:23Speaker 01

  Let's go ahead and play the cafeteria scene. Now, this is my first day in school. I am, of course, a 65-year-old man. Of course. And everyone else is 19 and has the wildest color hair you could possibly imagine. So, uh, they're talking, and I approach them. Uh, all right, let's play the scene.

• 27:41Speaker 06

  Milton, say it. Say God is dead.

• 27:43Speaker 01

  Say it, say it, God is dead.

• 27:45Speaker 06

  Guys, I'm not scared at all. God is dead.

• 27:46Speaker 01

  Milton, God is dead.

• 27:48Speaker 06

  I'm not scared, God is dead. I won't say, I'll say it too. God's dead.

• 27:51Speaker 01

  Jesus is stupid.

• 27:52Speaker 06

  He's stupid. I'm thinking about getting a tail this weekend.

• 27:54Speaker 01

  Well, if Jesus is stupid, then I better take one more test again.

• 28:01Speaker 06

  Huh? Can we help you?

• 28:04Speaker 01

  If Jesus is stupid, then I guess I better throw all the results of my SAT test out the window.

• 28:13Speaker 06

  Old man, what are you even doing here? What are you talking about?

• 28:19Speaker 01

  I'm, what am I talking about? What I believe in? I love that kid that says, say Milton, say God, Milton, say God is dead.

• 28:27Speaker 06

  I gotta, I gotta focus in on what you said, that this was a perfect retort to these children. If Jesus is stupid, then you gotta throw away all your, all your test results.

• 28:37Speaker 01

  This is, he really put them in their place.

• 28:40Speaker 06

  Break it down for me, cause I haven't understated what that means, but why don't you break it down for me? What, what that mean for you?

• 28:46Speaker 01

  So if Jesus is stupid, then you gotta throw away all your test results. If Jesus is stupid, then that means the very metric by which we judge intelligence has to be thrown out the window.

• 29:01Speaker 06

  Exactly what I was thinking.

• 29:03Speaker 01

  Exactly. I think I put those kids in their place.

• 29:07Speaker 03

  You did, and I like that show too, because there's no justification why there's an old cowboy walking around the high school.

• 29:13Speaker 01

  And the kids just talk to him like he's been there for years.

• 29:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, no one has an issue with it.

• 29:18Speaker 01

  No one asks him why are you here or what you're doing. Well, y'all just wait till the end of the season, because these kids are finally gonna learn their lesson.

• 29:27Speaker 03

  You're gonna reveal why you're there at the end of the season?

• 29:30Speaker 01

  No, you're, no, that'd be great. That's not an issue that came up in the writers' room. That is not a problem, that didn't bump anybody. Even when the parents pick up the kids, they just talk to the cowboy like.

• 29:42Speaker 03

  Oh, hell, cowboy.

• 29:43Speaker 01

  So you're in high school too, huh?

• 29:48Speaker 01

  I think that I come from, but thi- this town is set in a town that is not judgmental. You know, if your neighbor's doing something funny, you turn the other cheek.

• 29:58Speaker 03

  And I liked when it used to be like that.

• 30:02Speaker 01

  Well, I think there's a cowboy we haven't heard from yet.

• 30:06Speaker 03

  The strong silent type.

• 30:09Speaker 01

  Strong silent type.

• 30:11Speaker 06

  Always the black cat over here.

• 30:14Speaker 01

  They call him the black cat. Pardon me, thought maybe we don't even get to me and maybe that'll be the most cowboy thing that happens today.

• 30:22Speaker 06

  Wow.

• 30:23Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 30:24Speaker 06

  A living legend, but we have gone to you.

• 30:25Speaker 01

  Do I have to introduce myself? I don't feel like it.

• 30:28Speaker 06

  I th- I think you should introduce yourself.

• 30:30Speaker 01

  I know you need no introduction in regards to our company, but to the others. Yeah, well, I appreciate it. My name is Whiskey Brown. Whiskey Brown.

• 30:48Speaker 03

  You might have heard a song called The Ballad of Whiskey Brown.

• 30:52Speaker 06

  That's this man sitting right here, right next to me. I cannot believe I'm sitting next to a living legend.

• 30:59Speaker 01

  Shit, you do one movie, you do one damn movie back in the day and suddenly they call you the first Hollywood cowboy.

• 31:07Speaker 06

  The first Hollywood true, new age Hollywood cowboy.

• 31:12Speaker 03

  It's amazing because you guys came up together.

• 31:14Speaker 06

  We came up together and we auditioned and unfortunately he beat me out.

• 31:20Speaker 01

  He beat you out, you became the first cowboy.

• 31:22Speaker 06

  I mean, you were kind of the first one to not all, be only good. There was a complexity to you that was darker. People didn't know what to make of you, but they were into it.

• 31:32Speaker 01

  I'd say back in the day, it, it wasn't about who was the best, it was who was first.

• 31:39Speaker 06

  Exactly.

• 31:40Speaker 01

  And now I look at some of these pop stars, some of these, uh, uh, actors, young actors, and I go, oh, they're all comparing each other.

• 31:49Speaker 06

  They're always.

• 31:50Speaker 01

  And we didn't have that back in the day. It was like.

• 31:52Speaker 03

  We all had our own name, but that's cowboys. You stick to your own horse because you got your own bucking to deal with.

• 31:58Speaker 01

  You got your own bucket and you got your own ha- uh, saddle and you got your own pit.

• 32:03Speaker 06

  We're all on our own journeys, trying to follow it and figure it out before the sun finally sets on our quiet, short lives.

• 32:12Speaker 01

  Short, short lives. You're such a legend. What was it like working with the beautiful Dolly St. Clair?

• 32:23Speaker 03

  Oh, Dolly St. Clair.

• 32:25Speaker 01

  Dolly St. Clair be still my heart. Holy.

• 32:34Speaker 06

  That Dolly St. Clair is something special.

• 32:37Speaker 01

  May Lord rest her soul.

• 32:40Speaker 06

  Yeah, she's dead.

• 32:41Speaker 01

  She's dead. She is dead.

• 32:45Speaker 03

  Oh, she's dead.

• 32:45Speaker 01

  She's dead. She is dead, but she still makes my heart beat twice. And that's an alive woman. That's an alive woman with an alive heart beating.

• 32:56Speaker 03

  I see a picture, I go, aye, aye, aye, aye.

• 33:00Speaker 06

  He's turned into the yodeling cowboy.

• 33:02Speaker 01

  I love that.

• 33:02Speaker 03

  I yodel sometimes too.

• 33:05Speaker 01

  I'll tell you, nothing, nothing, nothing was like the first day I set my eyes on Dolly St. Clair. She walked in and this was back in the day in Hollywood where you didn't do chemistry reads, you didn't, uh, do callbacks, you met on set and, and there she was in, in picnic dress. It was a picnic dress. And I went, Lord, Lord, is that who will be playing? Sissy Barn?

• 33:34Speaker 06

  She played the shit out of Sissy Barn.

• 33:37Speaker 01

  And I was playing Dinkle Bank.

• 33:41Speaker 06

  Yeah, not Whiskey Brown.

• 33:42Speaker 01

  No, Whiskey Brown's my name.

• 33:43Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, Dinkle Bank.

• 33:45Speaker 01

  I was playing Dinkle Bank.

• 33:46Speaker 06

  The first cowboy, Dinkle Bank.

• 33:48Speaker 01

  Dinkle Bank and Sissy Barn, a match made in heaven.

• 33:53Speaker 03

  And I want to step back a second. If you don't know what a picnic dress is, that's a dress a lady wears to a picnic that she gets covered in food.

• 34:01Speaker 06

  And boy, did we love a picnic dress back then.

• 34:05Speaker 03

  We loved them.

• 34:06Speaker 01

  A picnic dress made the heart go wild.

• 34:08Speaker 03

  You see a woman covered in food, you know she's going to cook you up something nice.

• 34:12Speaker 01

  Oh God, I'd say it's the original wet t-shirt contest.

• 34:15Speaker 03

  A big old blackberry pie.

• 34:17Speaker 01

  Covered in hot dog, blackberry pie. Oh God, Dolly St. Clair, she's, she's sat on the lemon bars. She's got lemon bars all up on her toots.

• 34:27Speaker 06

  It's the people sitting on the cakes now. I'm like, do you know where you come from?

• 34:31Speaker 01

  You know where you come from. You have to know your history, ladies.

• 34:34Speaker 06

  You come from picnic dresses.

• 34:35Speaker 01

  You have to know your history. I see videos of women in Daytona with their white t-shirts and their black bras. And I go, you need to kiss the ground at Dolly St. Clair, walk down before you do that.

• 34:47Speaker 06

  You're doing the opposite of what we want. We want you covered in more stuff so we can't see as much.

• 34:53Speaker 01

  That used to be how it worked. We wanted to see less, not more. Now these days. And I wanted to stick my face in and take the food away. That's the goal. We were hungry back then. I said, put the cobbler on your face, put the cobbler on your, on your bosom so I could stick my face in there, eat the cobbler and get the boobs out.

• 35:09Speaker 03

  Exactly. We love a curvy woman because there's more room to put food on your dress.

• 35:13Speaker 01

  God, and I said that. I love my curvy wife. Can we all just talk about how much we love our curvy wife?

• 35:23Speaker 06

  Dirt mud horse class, so you love your curvy wife.

• 35:26Speaker 01

  You got a wife?

• 35:27Speaker 03

  Of course I got a wife. Her hair's pink, remember because of her, her wool wig?

• 35:31Speaker 01

  Oh, duh. Well, I'm not supposed to like that.

• 35:35Speaker 03

  She's curvier than a mountain switchback made by a person with a lazy eye.

• 35:41Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Well, my wife's curvier than a train on the track that's gone all broken style.

• 35:49Speaker 06

  Not broken style. Yeah, well, my wife's curvier than a wave cresting on a cliff that's gone all crazy style.

• 35:59Speaker 01

  And my wife is curvier than an F1 race going up and down the mountains of Canada.

• 36:10Speaker 06

  That's curvy. When you think about it, it's actually very curvy.

• 36:15Speaker 01

  So let's go back to the itinerary then, right? We've talked about Italians. Itinerary. Italians.

• 36:21Speaker 06

  West spaghetti and all its others.

• 36:24Speaker 01

  Do you remember that? Curvy wives. Do you remember that old horse in Tennessee itinerary? Itinerary. I lost ten big ones on itinerary. Ten big ones, huh?

• 36:36Speaker 03

  Ten big ones. Oh, wait.

• 36:38Speaker 01

  Ten big ones.

• 36:38Speaker 03

  Back in the day, that was a lot of money to lose.

• 36:41Speaker 06

  It's a lot of money to lose.

• 36:42Speaker 01

  It's a lot of money to lose. And what was these gas prices? Oh God, don't get me, actually we added to the itinerary, talk about the gas prices. Let's talk about gas prices because we're on the itinerary.

• 36:52Speaker 06

  So we got cowboy slate.

• 36:53Speaker 01

  Cowboy slate, we got to come back to.

• 36:54Speaker 06

  And we'll put itinerary, the horse on itinerary.

• 36:58Speaker 01

  And we want to do more Italian stuff.

• 37:00Speaker 06

  Italian stuff.

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• 42:28Speaker 01

  I'd say I want to talk about the difference between a cowboy and an actor who plays a cowboy. Because I see, I meet a lot of actors who play cowboys now in this day and age. And they've never been a cowboy a day in their life.

• 42:41Speaker 06

  These North Hollywood kids who went to Michigan University of Michigan or Chapman University, they don't know the first thing about cowpoking.

• 42:55Speaker 01

  I go see, I saw True West by Sam, uh, Sam Shepard at NYU. Playwrights Horizon, someplace they call it.

• 43:05Speaker 06

  Get rid of your V-neck and put on a spurs, is what I keep on saying.

• 43:09Speaker 01

  I said, where's the dirt? You walk into a cowboy audition room, you're gonna see a lot of Toneluka-like cowboys. Guys who are not walking the walk. And I think it's time to have this conversation, you know? Are, should they, should non-cowboys be taking cowboy roles?

• 43:29Speaker 06

  It's such a good question about appropriation versus appreciation.

• 43:34Speaker 01

  No, 100%. And I think we should put it on the itinerary.

• 43:36Speaker 06

  Let's put it on the itinerary.

• 43:38Speaker 01

  Because I think what's so important about it is really talking about it. Because I remember back in the day when I first got the role of Dinky Pinky, I thought, am I cowboy enough? Because I grew up around cowboys. Right. I grew up like, my daddy was a true cowboy and an opposite of an actor. That man could not turn it on if you tried. Even when we had to say grace in front of our, our chicken in the morning, he would not do anything performative because my daddy was a cowboy.

• 44:04Speaker 06

  I mean, are you, are you not? Let me ask you, you know you're a cowboy when you do grace in front of your chicken every morning?

• 44:12Speaker 01

  Come on.

• 44:14Speaker 01

  I'm sorry, but it's true. You know you're a Hollywood cowboy when you, you look for where your mark is, and it's also in the dirt. You know you're a Hollywood cowboy when you call your snake on the phone because your snake is your agent. And that take you 10%, that snake. He take you 10%. You know you're a Hollywood cowboy when instead of saying action, they say draw.

• 44:47Speaker 01

  You know you're a Hollywood cowboy when Sag after calls you looking for your doos. And you say, get in the house, horsey, you're not allowed inside.

• 44:56Speaker 06

  You know you're a Hollywood cowboy when your acting coach ain't Oohda Hoggan, it's you to shootin'.

• 45:06Speaker 01

  You know you're a Hollywood cowboy when your call time is high noon.

• 45:13Speaker 01

  You know when you're a Hollywood cowboy when only gas prices you worried about is how many pants you're ripping through of all the farts from the pee. You know you're a Hollywood cowboy when your for your consideration period is for your consideration, put them up.

• 45:30Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 45:33Speaker 01

  I tried.

• 45:33Speaker 06

  That was, no, that, I realized that. Consideration period into consideration, put them up. I liked it.

• 45:39Speaker 01

  Thank you for bringing it up, but it's a serious issue. It's a real serious issue. For FYC periods?

• 45:48Speaker 01

  No, about being a Hollywood cowboy, it's different than a cowboy.

• 45:51Speaker 06

  F Y C P E U.

• 45:54Speaker 01

  Absolutely. I grew up, I was the eighth brother out of eight. Uh huh. I was the youngest. I was a runt in the litter. And every single other one was a cowboy. They used to get up on the cattle trail and go up and down and up and down. Because I was out of, I was out of broken bulk in the home and hanging out by myself. I used to sit and wait for them to come home, singing on the porch, singing little songs. Little brothers waiting around. When will my brothers come down from the mountains? Good God, that was the best thing I've ever heard.

• 46:30Speaker 06

  I'm crying.

• 46:30Speaker 01

  I love your brother album.

• 46:34Speaker 06

  You got a song about every brother.

• 46:36Speaker 01

  I got a song about every brother.

• 46:38Speaker 06

  I love Malcolm the most. I love the song Malcolm.

• 46:41Speaker 01

  Big Malcolm, won't you come on down from the mountain?

• 46:47Speaker 06

  It's all kind of the same theme.

• 46:49Speaker 01

  And Malcolm was the oldest, right? That's why he was big.

• 46:52Speaker 06

  But it always got me because you never knew if Big Malcolm was gonna come down from the mountain.

• 46:57Speaker 01

  And they did not. What about your brother, the song? Sorry?

• 47:03Speaker 06

  Ever?

• 47:03Speaker 01

  What? He never, he never came down? Back in the day, someone went away, you just didn't know. But then. If they went away, you didn't know? Yeah, you'd look for them and then try to find them. They'd be told, told them, and they'd go, wait. And you just sang about it.

• 47:18Speaker 06

  I just read an article that a lot of your brothers ended up joining Moulin Rouge.

• 47:23Speaker 01

  Yeah. You read, now where'd you see that article? Now where'd you see that article?

• 47:28Speaker 06

  Cowboy Monthly.

• 47:30Speaker 01

  I think I read it on Death, the Dead Valley Live. Can we talk about this? Is this on the itinerary? I think I read it on Vanity Country Fair. Well, I want to talk about the death of the newspaper because what's happening is they're hiring these freelance people writing about. Mulan Rouge, put it in the cowboy papers. I don't care about that. Put it in the Mulan Rouge paper. Put it in Mulan Rouge paper. Mulan Rouge, get your own paper. Ooh, wait. Get it out. Get. All right, you got cowboy, here, here's the thing. And here's the thing, and I got a question for you. If you have advice for young cowboy actors trying to make it, what would you tell them? You know, because there's different things you gotta look for.

• 48:15Speaker 01

  I know that cowboy headshots require a different look, you know? I hear from these commercial actors, you know, they want you to look quirky, bright light, like approachable friend. Yeah. But cowboy headshots, you gotta go to a whole different Kinko's. Get that thing sepia tones. You gotta get a tintype photograph. You gotta go to one of those places that is the old timey photos.

• 48:37Speaker 06

  If it don't say wanted on the bottom, it ain't, it ain't, they ain't gonna take it.

• 48:42Speaker 01

  It ain't a cowboy headshot. If it don't say wanted. Five, two, a hundred. But that's a good advice for any actor, to be honest. Put wanted on the bottom so they know that the other people want you. Yeah, it's like. That's true. Dead or alive. Yeah, dead or alive. This role, dead or alive. I'd say dead or alive, sag eligible.

• 49:00Speaker 06

  Sag it, saggy.

• 49:02Speaker 01

  Saggy. Saggy. I heard some of these commercial actors, sometimes they'll put some scrubs or a blue, like a, like a Best Buy t-shirt, a collared shirt, or a red, like Allstate shirt in their trunk. Add a cowboy hat back there.

• 49:17Speaker 06

  Add a cowboy hat.

• 49:18Speaker 01

  There's nothing stopping you from adding a cowboy hat in that pile of shit. I keep a button down shirt in the back of my car that has a gunshot wound in it. Oh, yeah, neither. Just in case it's a scene where if and I'm looking to get shot. There you go. Hey, hey, if you wanna be a cowboy, stop taking showers. God, it's an easy thing, y'all.

• 49:37Speaker 06

  There's a thing called dry shampoo. It does wonders for a cowboy.

• 49:42Speaker 01

  I put it in my fucking crotch. I put it on my socks, directly on my socks.

• 49:47Speaker 06

  If you ain't putting dry shampoo on your crotch, I mean, you ain't been on the ranch.

• 49:51Speaker 01

  You, you're green, boy. You are not a real cowboy.

• 49:55Speaker 06

  Because cowboy culture is a lot tied with pioneer culture, but I wanna make one thing clear. We are not gold hunters.

• 50:03Speaker 01

  No.

• 50:04Speaker 06

  We are not gold hunters. We worked in the American West to grab farming land and work the fields of our cows. That's where cowboy comes from.

• 50:19Speaker 01

  Thank you for getting that done and settled. You need to get that out there. Knock it off the itinerary. Some people try and call, call, call cowboys gold diggers. You cannot say that for us.

• 50:32Speaker 06

  I will not, I will, now, we might be gold diggers personally.

• 50:35Speaker 01

  I'm married for money.

• 50:37Speaker 06

  Yeah, I'm married for money.

• 50:38Speaker 01

  I am in it for, my curvy wife has family funds.

• 50:42Speaker 06

  And how curvy is she?

• 50:43Speaker 01

  My curvy wife is so curvy. If you tried to draw an S in her presence, she'd be like, well, I already got that covered.

• 50:53Speaker 01

  I already got that covered if you try to.

• 50:56Speaker 06

  When you're writing, and you write an S, your wife is coming up and say, well, I already got that covered.

• 51:02Speaker 01

  I already got that covered. She dressed hers to her body, which looks like seventeen S's. That's how curvy she is. I heard she works on all the stop signs in town. That's incredible. I love that you're just trying to write an S down, and she says, look at my body and set. That's beautiful.

• 51:19Speaker 06

  It's a beautiful thing.

• 51:20Speaker 01

  It's a beautiful thing.

• 51:21Speaker 06

  Your wife seems medically unwell if she's that curvy, though, I would say.

• 51:25Speaker 01

  Medically. Oh, you're just jealous.

• 51:27Speaker 06

  That sounds like growth's on her.

• 51:29Speaker 01

  Sounds like, sounds like scoliosis to me. If you got every man talking to you saying your wife looks unwell, that's just jealousy. That's just jealousy. Every cowboy is lining up to measure my curvy wife's spine, and I won't let him. I know that's how it starts. They go claiming scoliosis, you go claiming envy and jealousy monster.

• 51:53Speaker 06

  Absolutely.

• 51:54Speaker 01

  Jeliosis. A jeliosis. Oh, Poopie Wippee sang a song about jeliosis. Let's hear it. Let's hear it. Jeliosis, jeliosis. Stay away from my cowgirl, jeliosis, jeliosis. I like it, it has a pop ring to it.

• 52:10Speaker 06

  A little more rock and roll.

• 52:11Speaker 01

  That's when, that's when Chuck Berry came on the show.

• 52:14Speaker 06

  Chuck Berry, a living legend.

• 52:16Speaker 01

  Living legend.

• 52:17Speaker 06

  A living legend, I would say.

• 52:18Speaker 01

  Cowboy rock and roll film people going to the bathroom, that's where you're at.

• 52:21Speaker 06

  I did not know that.

• 52:22Speaker 01

  Not always great. It's so sad as an old cowboy to see all your friends and realize they did that all along.

• 52:29Speaker 06

  Can we have an in memoriam for all our friends that have been canceled?

• 52:32Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. God, there is nothing faster than the cancellation of an actor who plays a cowboy.

• 52:37Speaker 06

  Absolutely.

• 52:38Speaker 01

  You guys are fast on it.

• 52:39Speaker 06

  We are just basically waiting to be on a hot mic saying something bad.

• 52:44Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, I'll kick it off. Cowboy canceled in memoriam. Old Skippy Layback, two thousand twelve, said a really bad word.

• 52:58Speaker 01

  Old Two Hats Johnson, twenty eighteen, said a really bad word.

• 53:07Speaker 01

  Flappy Boston Tipper said a bad word.

• 53:15Speaker 06

  Pappy Ohulahan did a really bad thing. Dusty Cleghorn pushed a woman off a boat?

• 53:25Speaker 01

  Question mark, it wasn't confirmed. Not confirmed, pending cancellation.

• 53:33Speaker 01

  Jennifer Two Spurs McGee smelled a really bad thing. And that's the thing with girl, cowgirls, they can get canceled for being, for smelling that. Smell a bad thing. For smelling that thing. There's a double standard for women.

• 53:49Speaker 06

  She smelled the murder.

• 53:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:53Speaker 01

  Johnny Button Time didn't like getting loved, so he smacked a sound gun in the face.

• 54:03Speaker 06

  That's a good cancellation. Shane Dirt Johnson was found at a club with seventeen year old women.

• 54:16Speaker 01

  Saying a really bad word.

• 54:18Speaker 06

  A real bad word.

• 54:20Speaker 01

  Donny Shadow, money laundering.

• 54:25Speaker 06

  That's canceled by the courts.

• 54:26Speaker 01

  That's canceled by the courts and the law. By the law. The law. Wheat Thin Double Hat Gopher. Wheat Thin Double Hat Gopher did a really bad thing twenty-four times.

• 54:45Speaker 06

  Yikes.

• 54:45Speaker 01

  Can only imagine what that could be. Well, we're still here.

• 54:53Speaker 01

  Kylie was just telling me the funniest thing. It's the funniest thing. You can become a Patreon member and hear more about our lives, the episodes, and other fun things we're doing on the side. Isn't that hilarious? Isn't that just a trip? And isn't that so like us? For three to five to ten dollars a month, we literally will do all that kinda stuff on Patreon.

• 55:16Speaker 01

  And we have merch. You know, we actually have a piece of merch that was voted on by the patrons that we made in real life. It's a set of AirPod headphones covers that say, if these fuckers is empty, I'm listening to A O A O A O A. So you gotta get on the Patreon because I think that's pretty funny. Yeah, you guys are doing some funny stuff and we're loving it too. And we're loving it. Where are those hats from? They're from artistsonartistsonartistsonartists.com. That's right. We call this ad a two for one. Enjoy the rest of the ad.

• 55:55Speaker 01

  Have you all ever done anything on set?

• 55:58Speaker 06

  We're dying breed. We're in exti, we're going to, we're going to extinction.

• 56:02Speaker 01

  Have you all ever done anything on set where you worry, am I, am I having too much of an attitude? Because I feel the older I get and the more famous I am, people act like, like, like I'm gonna bust a nut. They're, I'm just waiting to be canceled. You're just waiting to, well, I heard you got into some hot water because you put a horse in your rider and then you didn't like the horse. I think my horse is here today. Bessie, say hello.

• 56:33Speaker 01

  That's a good horse.

• 56:34Speaker 06

  Now, that's a good horse to say hello.

• 56:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love when my horse says hello. I got a little, I did a small spot on Euphoria.

• 56:44Speaker 06

  I saw this.

• 56:45Speaker 01

  Season three, the American West.

• 56:50Speaker 01

  I love Euphoria and only season three.

• 56:53Speaker 06

  The American West season was amazing.

• 56:55Speaker 01

  Finally, they got it right. Yeah, they had me come on for a cameo or whatever you call it.

• 57:01Speaker 06

  What was the scene you did?

• 57:03Speaker 01

  Um, I think Rue was on a walk, a depression walk. Yeah.

• 57:09Speaker 06

  Can we get it, if Rue does one more depression walk in Euphoria?

• 57:14Speaker 01

  We gotta show her something else. She's on a depression walk, and I'm sitting on the field across the way, and I'm smoking, and I go, you've been through a lot, huh? And Rue doesn't say anything. And I go, takes a journey to see a journey and recognize the journey in the face. That's Death Valley. That's the scene. But anyway, I said, I need a horse.

• 57:39Speaker 01

  And that's Bessie.

• 57:41Speaker 06

  Well, you done got a horse.

• 57:43Speaker 01

  You done got a horse, you did.

• 57:44Speaker 06

  Beautiful lines, beautiful words, you know? In this new age, it's just, they won't let me near a mic.

• 57:51Speaker 01

  Are you guys doing gigs right now?

• 57:52Speaker 06

  Yeah, I'm on Dirt Guy.

• 57:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, Dirt Guy.

• 57:55Speaker 06

  We're doing, Dirt Guy is going great.

• 57:57Speaker 01

  But they won't let you near it.

• 57:58Speaker 06

  Well, when I'm sitting up, I tend to get angry at all the people around me for anything that they're doing. Uh, because I just wanna shoot out and get back to my ranch. But they want, you know, they wanna do the hair and the makeup and the love.

• 58:14Speaker 01

  I mean that. These are all job requirements, I unfortunately have to say. And that video that went kind of viral of you screaming at the H M U people.

• 58:26Speaker 06

  Well, H M U, you better back off before I shoot you.

• 58:30Speaker 01

  Could we play it?

• 58:31Speaker 06

  With my gun.

• 58:31Speaker 01

  Absolutely. Come here, honey, honey, honey, you got shit to do. We're just trying to, we're just trying to clean.

• 58:36Speaker 06

  Hey, everybody chill for a second, okay? You back off, you back off, and you back off. I don't need no hair and makeup. I'm a man. I don't do that, okay? What is this? Dirt boy? No, this is Dirt Guy.

• 58:50Speaker 01

  Honey, you got literal shit on your face.

• 58:51Speaker 06

  I don't care.

• 58:52Speaker 01

  We're just like worried that there's like literal feces on.

• 58:56Speaker 06

  It's fine, I put it there myself to dirtin' me up. Just a little dirt and grime on my face. I didn't know I was picking up poop. That was an accident.

• 59:06Speaker 06

  I picked up some dirt, rubbed it on my face, yeah. A little poop on it. I didn't see the dog poop there, but we're gonna leave it there. We're gonna shoot out. Okay?

• 59:13Speaker 01

  Wait sweetheart, is that, is, did you really just try to get dirt from the ground?

• 59:17Speaker 06

  Now shut up, shut up. I tried to get dirt on the ground, try to dirt myself up to look like a real cowboy. I picked up some poop accidentally, rubbed it all over my face.

• 59:25Speaker 01

  I heard, I heard you gave Naomi Wasi E. coli.

• 59:28Speaker 06

  I did give her E. coli. She was sick for a week and a half.

• 59:32Speaker 01

  It's so embarrassing. You put poop on her face trying to look like a man.

• 59:35Speaker 06

  And you know, sometimes you do that as a cowboy. You try to dirt yourself up. You're rolling in poop.

• 59:39Speaker 01

  Now, what did the poop look like when you picked it? Like, did it look like poop? Was it like a chunk you picked up or was it?

• 59:46Speaker 06

  You wanna know the details of the poop I picked up?

• 59:49Speaker 01

  God, that's cowboy sitting around a table. Sorry, this is cowboy stuff. Cowboys being cowboys. I'm sorry, I was raised on a farm. This stuff is my own truth.

• 59:57Speaker 06

  It was a dog, somebody had walked their dog maybe 10 minutes before and not, decided to not pick it up, but kicked some dirt over it. So when I went to go grab the dirt, it was fresh.

• 1:00:06Speaker 01

  Well, it did look like dirt. I can understand that.

• 1:00:09Speaker 06

  Thank you.

• 1:00:10Speaker 01

  I got a very exciting show coming up. Um, we're doing on PBS, we're doing our retrospective, the Randall Gentry Hour, 100th anniversary.

• 1:00:19Speaker 06

  Wow.

• 1:00:19Speaker 01

  Good God, you've been doing that show for a long time. 50th, 50th anniversary. I always double every number in my head. Well, do you, now, do you remember, you, so you are 112? I'm 112 years old. Young, young. And you can still yodel like a 20 year old. Yes, I can, yeah, yeah.

• 1:00:40Speaker 06

  Wow.

• 1:00:41Speaker 01

  You have any fun guests you got on that? We got a lot of fun guests. I think Dolores Dancy Wample is coming.

• 1:00:48Speaker 06

  No, Dolores Dancy Wample.

• 1:00:50Speaker 01

  We got the Fingle Sisters.

• 1:00:52Speaker 06

  Not the Fingle.

• 1:00:53Speaker 01

  Oh, but you're still my heart. We got Sandy Patch and the Dusty Dickheads. Woo, but you're still my heart. Those dickheads make my heart go whoo. Those dickheads make my heart skip a beat. Mary Lou Williamson's coming out and she's singing with me, "The sun never sets on the wild west." What a beautiful woman and a beautiful song. Mary Lou Williamson, let me have some of that pie.

• 1:01:21Speaker 06

  Let me have some of that pie.

• 1:01:22Speaker 01

  I'd like to see her in a picnic, Chris. And then I'm gonna be giving my body to AI at the end. What?

• 1:01:28Speaker 06

  What?

• 1:01:29Speaker 01

  I'm giving it away so I can live forever.

• 1:01:31Speaker 06

  Giving your body to AI.

• 1:01:33Speaker 01

  I'm giving my body to AI.

• 1:01:35Speaker 06

  How does that even work?

• 1:01:36Speaker 01

  Hold on, hold on, hold on. A computer gonna scan your whole flesh?

• 1:01:39Speaker 06

  I don't think that's a hat. I think that's excess skin.

• 1:01:42Speaker 01

  This, yeah, this is my skin tag.

• 1:01:45Speaker 06

  Yikes.

• 1:01:46Speaker 01

  Lord God.

• 1:01:46Speaker 06

  You pulled everything back to look all tight.

• 1:01:49Speaker 01

  Gotta stay young in the face. Is that what all that tape is back there? Yeah, that's called a cowboy remedy to stay young.

• 1:01:57Speaker 06

  Cowboy remedy to stay young. It's tape?

• 1:02:00Speaker 01

  It's tape, it's neck tape. Don't give your body to AI. Listen, I'm a cowboy. We're all cowboys here. I think we can all agree. You can't trust a computer on the road.

• 1:02:09Speaker 06

  No, you don't want, you don't wanna be doing AI. You wanna be doing, aye, aye, aye.

• 1:02:14Speaker 01

  Aye, pow, pow, pow, pow. You know, I don't trust a computer to do anything a horse can. I totally agree. Whatever you need a computer to do, a horse can do it twice as fast.

• 1:02:26Speaker 06

  I got my horse sending all my emails.

• 1:02:29Speaker 01

  My horse is filing my taxes. I told my horse, you fix a direct deposit with a rat book. I ain't doing it. But ain't y'all sad? The idea that we can go away forever? The idea we can go off into the sunset and we never come back?

• 1:02:42Speaker 06

  I think it's sad they ain't made a keyboard for a horse's hooves.

• 1:02:47Speaker 01

  I think the worst thing in the world is a cowboy who fears death. And the fact that you fear death and you fear that beautiful white light we walk closer to every day is a, is a sad thing. Cause I know when I walk towards that light, the stronger I am, the more afraid of death I'm not. And the more cowboy I am. Wow. You got me thinking about my own mortality.

• 1:03:13Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:03:14Speaker 01

  I know, when I walk towards that light, I'm seeing Dolly St. Clair with all that chicken wing, lemon bar, custard all over her dress and I'm sticking my mouth on it.

• 1:03:27Speaker 06

  Yum.

• 1:03:28Speaker 01

  Now, when you look into that white light. What do you see? Do you see a higher power? I see Dolly St. Clair with a bunch of shit on her body and I'm cleaning it up.

• 1:03:39Speaker 06

  Now, are you, are you thinking, do you see, when you look into that white light, what do you see? Cause I know what your Instagram sees.

• 1:03:47Speaker 01

  I know what my Instagram sees, but now I'm starting to wonder, what if I see it too? Oh, god damn it. Your Instagram's Christian, so are you. My Instagram account may be on to something.

• 1:04:00Speaker 06

  Well, close your eyes and look into the white light. Tell us what you done see.

• 1:04:04Speaker 01

  I look into the white light, I see, oh, Zoe. Old Sandy Buttons with an apple cobbler over all her chest. How curvy is she? She's curvier than a spaghetti on a loop-de-loop ride. Yeah, close your eyes now. What do you see, Spike? Close your eyes.

• 1:04:27Speaker 06

  Looking to the light and I see, oh my lordy, I see Ophelia DeGraw.

• 1:04:36Speaker 01

  The best feet I've ever seen.

• 1:04:38Speaker 06

  Wow, wait, she is curvy.

• 1:04:47Speaker 01

  Is someone's car on?

• 1:04:51Speaker 01

  City slicker, you better get that car out of here.

• 1:04:57Speaker 01

  Don't hit Ophelia now.

• 1:05:01Speaker 01

  Don't hit Ophelia now. Ophelia!

• 1:05:06Speaker 01

  The gelatin's lost control, Ophelia. Move out of the way! He sees the light! Oh, Ophelia, oh God!

• 1:05:13Speaker 06

  Ophelia, come to me. Ophelia, Ophelia, Ophelia, Ophelia, come to me, come to me, come to me, Ophelia.

• 1:05:18Speaker 01

  I've killed a, I've killed a woman.

• 1:05:20Speaker 06

  Ophelia!

• 1:05:23Speaker 01

  He saw the light, Ophelia.

• 1:05:25Speaker 06

  I gotta drop. I gotta get out of here.

• 1:05:26Speaker 01

  No, come back, come back.

• 1:05:31Speaker 01

  No, you just hit her sister.

• 1:05:32Speaker 06

  No.

• 1:05:36Speaker 06

  Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. The road is too curvy. I couldn't see behind the block corners. I couldn't see him. He's not my fault. You gotta understand, he's not my fault.

• 1:05:48Speaker 01

  Hey, hey, open your eyes, open your eyes, open your eyes.

• 1:05:52Speaker 01

  What the hell was that?

• 1:05:53Speaker 06

  That, now that's what I call a, yee-haw!

• 1:05:57Speaker 01

  And you know what that is right there? That's a cowboy slate. That's a cowboy slate. Willing to hat. This has been Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists answering the question. Now that's what they call it, showbiz.

• 1:06:14Speaker 06

  Live from the beautiful Dynasty Typewriter. What a blast. Look, come to our Patreon. We're gonna be talking about cowboys all day long. We'll see you soon.

• 1:06:24Speaker 01

  Bessie, Bessie, say goodbye!

• 1:06:30Speaker 01

  I don't know if you heard that. Bye!

• 1:06:32Speaker 06

  Bye!

• 1:06:33Speaker 01

  Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists is an improvised Hollywood Roundtable podcast created and hosted by Kylie Brakeman, Jeremy Culhane, Angela Giarratana, and Patrick McDonald. It is a production of Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeart Media Podcasts. Executive produced by Matt Apodaca and produced by Alexandra Dennis and Laser Vision Productions. Music by Gabriel Ponton and edited by Connor McCain. Thumbnail art is by Josh Fleury and logo design is by Lucy Tomwitz. Special thanks to Samuel Curtis and the beautiful Dynasty Typewriter Theater. The opinions expressed on this podcast do not reflect the opinions of anyone who works on it, not even the performers, because this is an improvised podcast and we don't know what the heck we're talking about.

• 1:07:16Speaker 01

  Full video versions of AOA OA OA are available on YouTube, so please like and subscribe and leave us a five star review wherever you get your podcasts. That's all for now. Good night Hollywood!

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