Armchair Anonymous: Cops

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us a crazy cop story. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch new content on YouTube or listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free by joining Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Start your free trial by visiting wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ http://www.wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ now. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dax Shepard?

  Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard and I'm joined by Monica Padman. And today, we're going to hear crazy cop stories.

• 0:09Speaker 01

  Ah, yes, yes. Should we just go ahead and tell people? No cops called in, except one is about a cop.

• 0:17Dax Shepard?

  Family member.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  Family member.

• 0:19Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 0:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:20Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, we didn't know what to, to, to take away from that. Do we not have enough police officer listeners?

• 0:24Speaker 01

  We probably don't.

• 0:25Dax Shepard?

  We probably don't. Or they're really secretive about their stuff.

• 0:29Speaker 01

  Or they're busy.

• 0:30Dax Shepard?

  Or they're busy. But these folks were not busy and we got to talk to them and we now have some delicious crazy cop stories. Please enjoy. We get support from Quince.

• 0:42Speaker 01

  Okay, can we talk about the fact that the holidays are already here? It's crazy. I feel like I blinked and now we're in gifting season, which I'm not really mad about because I do love giving gifts and Quince is making it so easy to find something great for everyone on my list, including myself, because let's be honest, self-gifting is a love language.

• 1:01Dax Shepard?

  Quince is seriously the gift that keeps on giving. Their high-quality staples are made with premium materials like 100% Mongolian cashmere, 14-karat gold, and Italian leather. Full-on luxury quality at prices that won't wreck your holiday budget.

• 1:17Speaker 01

  It's the dream. The cashmere sweater, starting at $60, down jackets, wool outerwear, cashmere accessories. You and everyone on your list are staying cozy and looking incredible all season long.

• 1:28Dax Shepard?

  Well, I'm gonna tell you this, it just got chilly for the first time this year in California, and I'm so excited. And I'm wearing my Quince cashmere right now.

• 1:35Speaker 01

  It's great.

• 1:36Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, and I am going to gift this to some of my friends. I hope they're not listening.

• 1:40Speaker 01

  Quince is also more than clothing. They've got fine jewelry for your significant other, leather bags for your bestie, hotel-quality bedding to set up your guest rooms, chef-grade cookware. That's an amazing thing they offer here, and it's such a good gift because people don't like buying cookware for themselves, but it's very important. And they also have five-star luggage, another good gift that people don't like buying for themselves.

• 2:03Dax Shepard?

  Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers, or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK, too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. This episode is supported by Helix.

• 2:27Speaker 01

  Okay, can we talk about how November is basically survival mode? Between the holidays, the travel, the hosting, the cooking, the everything. Sleep is the one thing keeping me from completely unraveling.

• 2:38Dax Shepard?

  It really is the foundation. And I think people underestimate how much a bad mattress is quietly ruining their day. You wake up stiff, your back's angry, you're already behind before your feet hit the floor.

• 2:49Speaker 01

  That was me before Helix. I took their sleep quiz, which is so fast. It's taking like two minutes and they matched me to a mattress that actually fits how I sleep. Not a guess, not a firm or soft coin flip. It's a real match. I have a midnight mattress and I really like it. I was noticing it because I actually had to sleep in one of my other beds.

• 3:06Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 3:07Speaker 01

  Recently.

• 3:07Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 3:08Speaker 01

  That doesn't have a Helix mattress on it. And I really could tell a big difference in my sleep.

• 3:12Dax Shepard?

  Temperature was all over the map.

• 3:13Speaker 01

  It was a mess.

• 3:14Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 3:14Speaker 01

  I need a new one.

• 3:15Dax Shepard?

  Look, they've got over 20 mattress models. So whether you sleep hot, need extra back support, or you've got a partner who moves around all night, there's one built for you. Plus free shipping and a 365 night happy with Helix guarantee. That's a full year to decide.

• 3:29Speaker 01

  Helix has been named the most awarded mattress by Forbes, Wired and more. So it's not just us being enthusiastic, the experts agree.

• 3:36Dax Shepard?

  Right now, Helix is running their Black Friday sale with up to 30% off. Go to helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. That's helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. Helixsleep.com/armchair.

• 4:15Dax Shepard?

  We wear short shorts.

• 4:17Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 4:18Dax Shepard?

  Nick, can you hear us?

• 4:19Speaker 02

  I can hear you.

• 4:20Dax Shepard?

  Did you grow up in an area where that song was popular in commercials? If you dare wear short shorts, Nair wears short shorts.

• 4:29Speaker 02

  I don't remember that one.

• 4:30Dax Shepard?

  It was for a hair removal product called Nair. Do you remember that, Mike?

• 4:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, we used Nair, tried it on all kinds of places.

• 4:36Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow.

• 4:36Speaker 01

  But I don't remember that jingle.

• 4:38Dax Shepard?

  Where did you grow up, Nick?

• 4:39Speaker 02

  I grew up in Keller, Texas, just north of Fort Worth.

• 4:42Speaker 01

  I bet there was Nair in Texas.

• 4:45Dax Shepard?

  Oh, sure. Those women know how to take care of themselves. Yeah.

• 4:48Speaker 02

  We had a couple of jingles that were stuck in my head. It's like, call 2678433, because the next sexy thing to do is Da'Worth clean. That ran twenty years ago, still stuck in my head.

• 5:01Dax Shepard?

  That's a good jingle. That's a keeper. Are you still in Texas?

• 5:05Speaker 02

  Yes, I live in Plano, which is just east of that, so like just north of Dallas.

• 5:09Dax Shepard?

  I've driven through Plano a few times. And are you in law enforcement?

• 5:12Speaker 02

  No, I'm not in law.

• 5:13Dax Shepard?

  You're not in law enforcement. Okay, okay. You never know, these can go either way. All right, so tell us your story.

• 5:18Speaker 02

  Okay, so it's a stormy, dreary day in late May, Keller, Texas, 2006. And it's the last day of my senior year of high school. The last day was a short day. We had taken a couple of finals and it had been storming a lot, especially all that morning. And so me and my two best friends decided we're gonna head back to my buddy Steve's house to figure out what we're gonna do with the rest of the day. So we get to his place and sit down on the couch. And I don't know if it's the weather or the collective unclenching been done with high school, but we all pass out within minutes. We're all asleep, just on the ground.

• 5:47Dax Shepard?

  Wow, a group nap.

• 5:49Speaker 02

  An hour or so later, my buddy Steve wakes up and begins berating us for being super lame. You know, like it's the last day of school, we're sleeping on the ground. And so he's like, we gotta get up, we gotta go do something. We're getting ourselves amped up. There's nothing better than directionless energy for 18-year-olds.

• 6:03Dax Shepard?

  Nothing dangerous about that.

• 6:05Speaker 02

  Right, exactly. So to kind of set the players for this story. And so it's me and my two best friends at the time. One's name is Alan. He's like 6'7", 275, shoulder-length red hair, looks like a Viking.

• 6:15Dax Shepard?

  Wow, yeah.

• 6:17Speaker 02

  So my buddy Steve, he hadn't quite grown into his adult male form. He was all gangly. He was long limbs, long fingers, right? Just an awkward-looking dude. And so we all pile into my car. And the car here is important because it's where most of the story takes place. To surprise me for, just after my 16th birthday, my father brought home a manual cherry-red Saturn station wagon.

• 6:38Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I know that vehicle.

• 6:39Speaker 02

  Ugly car. I hated it. I don't know if my dad was going for a form of birth control. It was the worst. And so we all pile into my car. Alan takes the front passenger seat. Steve takes the back seat. Alan has a hard time fitting into most cars because of his size, but that little station wagon, he really struggles with. So the road from Steve's house back to town is like an old country road. And so we get a little ways down this road and then Alan decides, he's like, hey, I gotta go to the bathroom. But I think we were going to Whataburger or my place. I was like, well, when we get there, you can go there. And he's like, no, I gotta go right now. And I was like, well, what do you want me to do? And he's like, I'm just gonna pee out the door. And so he unbuckles, opens the passenger side door, lodges himself in the frame and then does his business. So Steve slides over behind my side because he doesn't want to be on that side of the car at the moment.

• 7:23Speaker 02

  And he's kind of amping himself up and he's like, I gotta moon somebody. I want to moon the next car.

• 7:27Dax Shepard?

  Oh, things are really, yeah, they're unraveling. One guy's dick's out the door and another guy's ass is about to be at the other side.

• 7:34Speaker 02

  Normal eighteen year old activity. So his head hits the backseat, his ass hits the back window. As we're going down the road, up ahead at the crest of kind of the largest hill, I can see a large tree branch that has kind of fallen in the road. I can see the front of a car and I could just kind of see somebody's walking towards this branch. Somebody's gonna clear it. And so I told Steve, I was like, hey, there's somebody out here clearing this branch in the middle of the road. This is perfect. Let's just moon that guy.

• 7:56Speaker 01

  Oh, the good Samaritan.

• 7:58Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah. Well, that's the reward.

• 7:59Speaker 02

  So as we kind of hit the bottom of this hill and we start coming up, I realize now that this is a cop car that's at the top of this hill. And it's an officer that's walking to clear this branch.

• 8:08Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy.

• 8:08Speaker 02

  And also, as we're kind of going towards it, I realize I'm the only one who can see this. Alan's preoccupied looking out the right side door. Steve's ass is against the window with his face in the seat. I kind of come to the split second decision that I'm just gonna let this ride. I'm not gonna say anything.

• 8:21Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow.

• 8:21Speaker 02

  I'm just gonna let this happen.

• 8:23Dax Shepard?

  Strange decision.

• 8:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, cuz you could be in trouble.

• 8:27Speaker 02

  See, that hadn't quite factored in. In my mind, I was like, this is gonna be hilarious. So we end up getting closer, obviously because he's in the road. I slow down. So we get down to ten, fifteen miles an hour. This part, as I remember it, is always in slow motion because he's walking up to this tree branch, doing his normal thing. He looks at me, he lifts his hand in greeting and all those micro emotions play across his face. He goes from amused and kind of just happy to angry, confused. Bewildered as he notices this but pressing against the back passenger window. It's at this point that Alan finishes, right? So he rolls back into the car and closes the door, looks over and just nonchalantly goes, "Oh, that's a cop." And Steve jumps up in the back of the seat. He's like, "I just moved a cop?" He's like, "We gotta run. We can't do this. We gotta get out of here." At this point, I'm realizing, "Oh, this might be something you get arrested for."

• 9:10Speaker 02

  So I slam on the accelerator and take off.

• 9:13Speaker 01

  Oh my God, he started chase.

• 9:15Dax Shepard?

  These are like the series of decisions that are being made. So I pull out a firearm and just start shooting.

• 9:22Speaker 02

  Steve and Alan at the same time are like, "We gotta get out of there. Take a left right here." So I hit the brakes and take a hard left. Quiz for you, Dax. If you suddenly accelerate and then take a hard left and hit the brakes on a wet road, what happens?

• 9:34Dax Shepard?

  We're gonna do a little spinning.

• 9:35Speaker 02

  Right. So we slide, but I managed to make the entrance to this neighborhood. But then I hit the ditch right afterwards and take out a speed limit sign.

• 9:42Dax Shepard?

  Oh, I see. You locked the front end and you couldn't steer any longer.

• 9:45Speaker 02

  Basically right. My back end is kind of back and looking towards the road. We kind of paused for a second. And then I tried to get my bearings, tried to like, "Is the car okay? What's the cop doing?" And so then I hit the accelerator and our wheels just spin. And I just start kicking mud out of the back of my car. And at this same time, a minivan comes up the road, kind of blocks the entrance to this neighborhood. The cop is just a little bit of ways up. His lights are on because he's out of his car. And he's over here waving at us, waving at this van. But he's also like looking back at this tree limb that he's got to clear. The limb is sizable. A grown man could clear it, but with some effort, right? So he's kind of in a predicament. But because this van is so close, I just coat the back of this van in mud. The poor driver of this van was just confused and bewildered as this cop is waving at him. The car is getting belted with mud.

• 10:26Speaker 02

  It felt like a really long time. I bet it was 15 to 30 seconds. And so Alan starts bouncing up and down in the seat. Eventually we get purchase and we slip out of this ditch and hit the road, basically take off into this neighborhood. And we make it a little bit of ways down and I look in the rear viewer. And at this point, the cop has resolved his issue. He's cleared the branch. He's in his car. He's coming after us. We're like trying to figure out what exactly we're gonna do, but we also all realize at the same time that we're on our home turf. We've driven these roads our entire life. We know the exact ins and outs of these neighborhoods. So these old neighborhoods, like there's lots of cul-de-sacs and roads that kind of loop around that kind of stuff. And so it's really easy to get lost if you don't know exactly where. Where you're going. Maybe the cop did as well, you know, he's a local officer, but we really knew these specific roads. We immediately go into planning mode, like take a right on Maple. Planning our exit was like, if we can go enough rights and lefts to break line of sight

• 11:08Speaker 02

  from this cop, we think we can get away. He came after us really hard, but he was always like one turn behind us, right? So Steve's looking out the back, basically giving us the play by play.

• 11:17Dax Shepard?

  And also really quick, Nick, you live in a pretty small town, right?

• 11:20Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 11:21Dax Shepard?

  In your mind, though, you're like, yeah, all I gotta do is get away, as if you're not gonna pass the same cop the next day downtown.

• 11:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, where's away?

• 11:28Dax Shepard?

  There's no hiding in a small town.

• 11:30Speaker 02

  That's true. Yeah. We fly through this area and we eventually lose it. We take a couple of turns and he's no longer on our tail. And we basically head towards the exit that we were planning for, and we slowly creep up to this exit. We didn't want to like stick our nose out in case he was on the main road that we were coming up to. And we look left and we can see nothing. We look right and we see a cop's lights on heading away from us. Whether it was the same cop, I don't know. Maybe he called for backup and they were heading like towards where we were. But we basically just like wait for him to get a little bit further away and then slowly take a left and just kind of head off. And we ended up taking all the back roads we could basically to get to my house. And we went inside, you know, locked the doors. We were like, we're going nowhere. We're hiding. That's how my buddy mooned a cop and then we got in a car chase and we escaped.

• 12:08Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 12:09Dax Shepard?

  I like to adding much more serious offenses in response to maybe questionably not even an offense.

• 12:16Speaker 01

  I agree.

• 12:17Dax Shepard?

  Oh, no, I think they think that we mugged that guy. So let's shoot this person who saw us.

• 12:21Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 12:22Dax Shepard?

  Who's confused.

• 12:23Speaker 01

  It's a real comedy of errors.

• 12:24Speaker 02

  For sure.

• 12:25Speaker 01

  I feel like your friend who was peeing, that's really risky. The door could have slammed on his penis.

• 12:33Dax Shepard?

  Well, first of all, you're granting him an enormous penis that from his seat, it's making his way out to the door jam.

• 12:39Speaker 01

  Well, isn't he peeing out the door?

• 12:42Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, but if you roll over to the side, the edge of the door is below you. But if you slam the door, it just hit your dick. He's not snaking it out the side.

• 12:51Speaker 01

  He like cracked the door.

• 12:53Dax Shepard?

  And is peeing down into that gap.

• 12:55Speaker 02

  He's got it open a pretty good amount. He lodged his whole frame in that door frame. It like took a lot to get him in the car. It would have taken a lot to get him out of the car.

• 13:02Dax Shepard?

  Sounds agile for a big guy.

• 13:03Speaker 01

  Cautionary tale. Don't pee out of the car because you might get your dick slammed.

• 13:07Dax Shepard?

  Okay, I think more cautionary tales, like if you pee out of the car and you see a cop, just deal with that. Don't get in a high speed chase through a residential area.

• 13:19Dax Shepard?

  Oh, I got such a little burst of fun nostalgia when you said you got out of class and then you went to a friend's and you gotta figure out what you're gonna do for the rest of the day? I loved that.

• 13:28Speaker 01

  I know, me too.

• 13:30Dax Shepard?

  Oh, what a time.

• 13:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was great. As the years go by, I kind of reflect on this story from like the officer's perspective, right? Like, he's just going about his day and then he gets out of his car, walks up, and then this car slowly drives by with a butt just pressed to the back. And then the car speeds up, freaks out, hits a ditch, and then a car comes up behind him. And then the car just coats that car in mud. From his perspective, it must have been wild.

• 13:51Dax Shepard?

  Well, yeah, he's assuming you have something very illegal in the car. Firearms or drugs. There's some reason you guys are now smashing into signs. Some public property damage with that sign, yeah.

• 14:02Speaker 01

  Yep, you hit a few things there.

• 14:04Speaker 02

  We actually went back the next day and that sign was still there, so we absconded with it.

• 14:09Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 14:10Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so.

• 14:11Speaker 01

  Okay, so you stole.

• 14:12Dax Shepard?

  You guys are really looking to get in trouble, and you didn't. And those boys, they made it to adult maturity. They're thriving.

• 14:18Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. Steve, he's actually my best friend, best man at my wedding. He's actually the one who introduced me to the podcast.

• 14:23Speaker 01

  Oh, Steve.

• 14:24Speaker 02

  So I really can't think of a better way to repay him for that than to embarrass him in front of millions of people.

• 14:29Dax Shepard?

  Yes, I like it. I applaud it.

• 14:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's nice.

• 14:33Dax Shepard?

  Well, it's great meeting you, Nick.

• 14:34Speaker 01

  Thanks for sharing.

• 14:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, you too.

• 14:36Dax Shepard?

  All right, take care, brother.

• 14:38Speaker 01

  Dax, did that story make you sad? Why are your eyes all red?

• 14:41Dax Shepard?

  Well, no, it didn't make me sad at all, but now I'm curious why my eyes are all red.

• 14:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, they look like you've been crying.

• 14:46Dax Shepard?

  I've been crying. No, I worked out and drank pre-workout. Now I'm concerned. Now I wanna see. Hold on, let me. You see what I'm dealing with?

• 14:54Speaker 01

  They look a little less red than they did a minute ago.

• 14:56Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 14:57Speaker 01

  It's on the up and up. Do you see what I mean?

• 15:00Dax Shepard?

  I'm taking a photograph. Then I'm gonna zoom in. Is it right there you're talking about?

• 15:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, that one is very red.

• 15:07Dax Shepard?

  That's probably from lifting.

• 15:08Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 15:10Speaker 02

  Pop the blood vessel in your eye?

• 15:11Dax Shepard?

  I don't know. I do think my eyes are going.

• 15:14Speaker 01

  Red?

• 15:14Dax Shepard?

  I think they're dying. I feel very vulnerable with my eyes.

• 15:17Speaker 01

  You do?

• 15:18Dax Shepard?

  I do. The rest of my body feels very bullish. Viral, but my eyes feel like they're in decline and I don't know where it's gonna stop.

• 15:25Speaker 01

  Okay, well.

• 15:25Dax Shepard?

  And now they're popping. They seem to be popping out the sides. Maybe it's just my Bob's Big Boy shirt made the red part.

• 15:31Speaker 01

  It might be that.

• 15:32Dax Shepard?

  I'll put my eye drops in before the fact check.

• 15:35Speaker 01

  Okay. Also, it's important for me to say that my brother was almost named Alan.

• 15:41Dax Shepard?

  Oh, he was. I'm glad you told us.

• 15:43Speaker 01

  I took the time to tell him.

• 15:44Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 15:45Speaker 01

  Okay, actually, I was thinking about mooning. Do you think anyone has been mooning and then they get freaked out and they fart and poop on the window?

• 15:52Dax Shepard?

  No, I don't think that happens.

• 15:54Speaker 01

  I think that's happened.

• 16:04Dax Shepard?

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• 17:27Dax Shepard?

  We get support from Instagram teen accounts. So we talk a lot on this show about how the world is different now than when we were growing up. And one of the biggest differences is obviously social media. And I think a lot of people wonder, okay, what's actually being done to make it safer for teenagers?

• 17:43Speaker 01

  Which is a fair question.

• 17:45Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, so Instagram has got something called teen accounts and they come with automatic protections built in by default. So anyone between 13 and 17 is automatically placed into this experience. They get age appropriate content settings, contact limits, so that by default, only people they're already connected to can message them. And time management tools, daily time limit reminders, and also sleep mode that mutes notifications from 10:00 PM to 7:00 AM.

• 18:11Speaker 01

  Sleep mode is genius.

• 18:12Dax Shepard?

  Right? And here's the thing, for anyone under 16, a parent has to give permission to change any of those settings to be less strict. The guardrails are on and Instagram keeps building new safety features to create age appropriate experiences for teens.

• 18:28Speaker 01

  I am really glad Instagram is helping to give parents peace of mind with teen accounts.

• 18:32Dax Shepard?

  Learn more about teen accounts and Instagram's ongoing work to protect teens online at instagram.com/teenaccounts.

• 18:41Speaker 04

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• 19:09Speaker 05

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• 19:48Speaker 06

  Hi, I was so hoping I would hear you guys talking about poop when I logged on.

• 19:52Dax Shepard?

  Well, we delivered.

• 19:54Speaker 01

  There's a 99% chance.

• 19:55Speaker 06

  It's what we all come for.

• 19:57Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, we were just debriefing because the previous caller involved some mooning. While you were saying that, Monica, she was curious if anyone has farted and pooped while they're mooning, but I don't think so.

• 20:06Speaker 01

  Everything's happened in life.

• 20:07Dax Shepard?

  That's true.

• 20:08Speaker 01

  So it's definitely happened.

• 20:09Dax Shepard?

  But my question is, I've done a lot of mooning as a kid, especially because my brother had a license. You know, I was 11, so I was constantly hanging my butt out the window to amuse him.

• 20:18Speaker 01

  You hung it out?

• 20:19Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah.

• 20:19Speaker 01

  Or stood it up against the window?

• 20:20Dax Shepard?

  No, I'd roll the window down and hang my whole butt out the window. My thought, though, is like, I've done that a bunch of times. I've never been mooned. Either of you been mooned?

• 20:29Speaker 06

  I don't think so.

• 20:30Speaker 01

  I have. People did it on the school bus a lot.

• 20:32Dax Shepard?

  Internally or towards the window or just to the other classmates?

• 20:36Speaker 01

  Towards the window you would do it. So when you got off the bus, you'd see some mooners.

• 20:41Dax Shepard?

  I think it's funny.

• 20:42Speaker 01

  Butts are funny.

• 20:43Dax Shepard?

  Little kids want to show their butts. There's nothing dirty really about it yet.

• 20:46Speaker 01

  Of course there is. It's the dirtiest thing we have.

• 20:49Dax Shepard?

  I think mouse could be potentially.

• 20:51Speaker 01

  Than poop? No, because you'd rather eat someone's spit than eat their poop.

• 20:55Dax Shepard?

  For sure. I'm just thinking, some people's mouths are really problematic, right?

• 20:59Speaker 01

  I don't want to think about that.

• 21:00Dax Shepard?

  Like, you've been talking to someone and there's food and there's stuff in the corner. I'd rather see their asshole at that point. That's what I'm getting at, Monica. Can you agree?

• 21:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm always panicked that I have that.

• 21:10Dax Shepard?

  If you've got a lot of food.

• 21:11Speaker 01

  Look, you're making everyone self-conscious. Stop that.

• 21:15Speaker 06

  There was some teeth mouth checking before I got on the computer today, so I think I'm all set.

• 21:20Speaker 01

  You look great.

• 21:21Speaker 06

  Oh, well, thanks.

• 21:22Dax Shepard?

  Where are you, Sydney?

• 21:23Speaker 06

  I am in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

• 21:24Dax Shepard?

  Fort Wayne. We've been doing a lot of Indiana lately. Okay, so you have a cop story.

• 21:29Speaker 06

  I do. So this was the fall of 2008. I was a freshman in college at IU. And at that time, I was not really vibing with my roommate yet. So when it came time for Parents Weekend, my parents and my younger sister came down to visit and just decided that I would stay in the hotel with them.

• 21:52Dax Shepard?

  Of course, yeah.

• 21:53Speaker 06

  I just needed a taste of home, wanted to get out of the dorm for a night. So we went to the football game that night. It was a night game. It all wrapped up.

• 22:01Dax Shepard?

  This sounds so fun.

• 22:02Speaker 06

  I know. It was a bit of an intense game. There was a major injury in the game, so it ran really, really late. And so this was the middle of the night. We are on the road to the hotel. And the reason that we are driving out of town is because it's Parents Weekend and all the rooms in town have been booked up. And it's like a state highway that we're taking, but this is still rural Indiana. It's very dark on this road. It's a two lane highway. And we're talking September, so there is full grown corn on either side of the road. And I remember that because as we're going around turns, you can't really see what's around the curve. And my dad is driving, my mom's in the passenger seat. I'm behind my dad and my sister is behind my mom. And we're driving down the road and all of a sudden this big white lifted truck comes barreling up behind us.

• 22:44Speaker 06

  And my dad doesn't drive the speed limit normally, so this guy had to have been flying, right? So he comes up behind us, speeds over into the other lane, lights are on. Where were you in 2000?

• 22:55Dax Shepard?

  Well, you sure it wasn't a burgundy lifted truck?

• 22:58Speaker 06

  No, bright white. And it passes us and it kind of just appears around the corner, right? So we're like, that was weird. What a jerk, whatever, keep driving. All of a sudden, we come around a curve and there this white car is pulled over to the side of the road. We'd pass it. And as soon as we get past it, it pulls out behind us and turns on flashing lights, like police lights. So we are getting pulled over by an unmarked police car. Oh, God, that's a thing?

• 23:21Dax Shepard?

  You don't know about unmarked police cars?

• 23:22Speaker 06

  That sounds illegal.

• 23:23Dax Shepard?

  They're huge in Michigan for speeders.

• 23:25Speaker 06

  Yep, we have them in Indiana, too.

• 23:27Dax Shepard?

  I could do a PSA right now. It's bullshit. Everyone needs to adopt California's strategy. You look at high accident zones and you police those and you're not just trying to catch speeders. That doesn't do anything to increase safety. But Michigan's all about getting that revenue.

• 23:41Speaker 06

  Yeah, same with Georgia, but their cars are black. And then in like, light black, it says, police.

• 23:48Dax Shepard?

  Oh, no, you can get pulled over by a guy pulling a fishing boat in Michigan.

• 23:51Speaker 06

  What?

• 23:51Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 23:52Speaker 06

  This is in rural Indiana. Who knows what county or whoever town that we're in. So we're getting pulled over. And of course, my dad, I'm sure says something along the lines of like, well, what the hell did I do? You're the one who just is barreling up behind me. So my dad pulls over, the guy gets out and walks up and he is wearing basketball shorts? No. A cutoff t-shirt. Got his glasses on and he's wearing like those earrings that are half hoop earrings that have the balls on the end. Do you know what I'm talking about?

• 24:16Dax Shepard?

  Oh my lord. Looked like he's coming from a rave or something?

• 24:20Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 24:21Speaker 01

  This is why this has to be illegal. Cause anyone can just pretend.

• 24:25Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it's very untrustworthy. We need a uniform.

• 24:28Speaker 06

  So he comes up to my dad's window and he starts laying into my dad about, do you know how inappropriate it is to be driving on these back roads with your brights on when there's people in front of you? It's really dangerous. You're lucky I'm off duty right now or I'd be writing you a ticket.

• 24:40Dax Shepard?

  Oh my god. This is such an abuse of power. Okay, continue.

• 24:44Speaker 06

  So my dad is kind of like, sorry officer, won't do it again. I'll be more careful going forward. And the guy says, okay. And he walks back to his car and gets in his car and drives off. We get behind him and we're driving, following him further towards the town that we're staying in. And as we're talking, like, that was really weird. The way he was driving, the way he was dressed. Honestly, generally his behavior, it just didn't feel right. My mom or I, we debated which one of us had the idea to say like, well, maybe we should just call 911, talk to dispatch, make sure that was on the up and up because that was strange. So she calls 911 and she talks to the dispatcher and the dispatcher is like, yes ma'am, you can get pulled over by an off duty police officer. Yes ma'am, the vehicle doesn't need to be marked. Really kind of dismissive until my mom described the vehicle

• 25:28Speaker 06

  that he was driving, that lifted white truck. And then all of a sudden, this woman's demeanor on the phone just changed. And all of a sudden was asking, where are you? Is he still in front of you? And trying to get a little bit more details.

• 25:40Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 25:41Speaker 06

  She says, okay, you guys are going to be coming into town soon. As you come into town, you're going to see a Walgreens. We want you to pull into that parking lot and officer is going to meet you there. So we pull into town, an officer pulls off to meet us and a swarm of police cars descend on the truck in front of us.

• 25:54Dax Shepard?

  Whoa.

• 25:55Speaker 06

  See him getting pulled over down the road.

• 25:57Dax Shepard?

  Oh, we love this.

• 25:58Speaker 01

  I love this.

• 25:59Dax Shepard?

  I love it.

• 26:00Speaker 06

  Yeah. So we're sitting in the Walgreens parking lot. The officer comes up and talks to us. Gets our description of everything. And because of where I was seated, I could kind of see him best because my dad's right there with the lights, my mom and my sister on the other side. I could have the best view of his face. And so I'm describing him to the officer. We give him a full statement. He goes back to his car for a little bit. We see the commotion up the road. Officer comes back and tells us, that was not a police officer who pulled you over. He has been suspected of doing this before. And it has generally been two cars full of one or more women.

• 26:32Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 26:34Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 26:37Speaker 01

  This is disgusting.

• 26:38Speaker 06

  We don't know details about what happened to those other women, but we do suspect that he came up behind us, saw me and my sister in the backseat.

• 26:46Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 26:47Speaker 06

  Thought it was a car full of women. And when he saw my dad in the front seat, he just kind of.

• 26:52Speaker 01

  He had to pivot.

• 26:53Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 26:54Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 26:56Dax Shepard?

  Wow.

• 26:57Speaker 01

  That is so crazy. I'm gonna start a bill.

• 27:00Dax Shepard?

  The law's already on the books. You're not allowed to impersonate an officer.

• 27:03Speaker 01

  We should have, you can't do unmarked or off duty.

• 27:07Speaker 06

  What we kind of learned from this is that if you are ever in somewhere as remote as where we were, or in a situation where you don't feel safe pulling over, you can call 911, you can talk to dispatch, and you can say, hey, I'm getting pulled over in this location. This isn't a good place for me to stop. I don't feel comfortable. Can you please tell the officers they can follow me? I'm gonna meet them here. The other thing we learned is that at least in Indiana, cops are supposed to have red and blue flashing lights.

• 27:32Dax Shepard?

  Did he just have red?

• 27:34Speaker 06

  I think it was just red. It was just one color.

• 27:35Dax Shepard?

  He was probably a volunteer firefighter, because you're allowed to have red flashers if you're a volunteer firefighter. It's illegal for anyone to have blue flashers unless they're law enforcement.

• 27:47Speaker 01

  I think he got it at Spencer's Gifts.

• 27:50Dax Shepard?

  Not Autozone or some auto parts store.

• 27:53Speaker 06

  We had to go up the road and we had to identify him. I don't know if he was like in handcuffs. That was probably prejudicial, but we saw him. We had to say, yep, that was the guy.

• 28:03Dax Shepard?

  And what was his demeanor? Do you feel like you were serving him up a plate of crow? I would have lived for that moment.

• 28:08Speaker 06

  His head wasn't down or anything. He also wasn't yelling at police officers. I just kind of remember him standing there, just kind of like taking it all in. We got something in the mail a few months later, like telling us that we were gonna have to come down and testify in a trial against him. At the very last second, we got a call from the prosecutor's office saying that he had taken a plea bargain, and so we didn't have to go and testify. But we do know that he was at least in some way prosecuted.

• 28:30Dax Shepard?

  Okay, good.

• 28:32Speaker 01

  Oh, that is scary.

• 28:34Speaker 06

  It's really freaky to think about what would have happened if he had some sort of weapon on him, because we were so in the middle of nowhere at that point.

• 28:40Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 28:42Speaker 01

  Or if you were a car full of girls.

• 28:45Dax Shepard?

  And the fact that he flew by and then he was like, oh no, I'm gonna stop, then I'm gonna pull over. Oh.

• 28:49Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 28:50Dax Shepard?

  I feel like you're a few steps away from being a serial killer.

• 28:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:53Dax Shepard?

  You're like on the path.

• 28:54Speaker 01

  That was a good story.

• 28:56Speaker 06

  Twisty and turny, huh?

• 28:57Dax Shepard?

  Swervy, tur- curvy. Curvy and swervy.

• 29:00Speaker 06

  Before I go, I just wanted to tell you guys, thank you so much for all that you do. And my sister is a huge armchair. She's so sad she couldn't be here to pop in.

• 29:07Speaker 01

  Oh, man.

• 29:08Dax Shepard?

  What's her name?

• 29:09Speaker 06

  Zoe.

• 29:09Dax Shepard?

  Shout out Zoe, and I hope you enjoy that beautiful Indiana summer that's coming your way.

• 29:14Speaker 06

  It's about to get muggy.

• 29:15Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it's time to find a swim hole.

• 29:18Speaker 01

  Time to get a lot of extra hair ties. Gotta get your hair up.

• 29:22Dax Shepard?

  You gotta get it out.

• 29:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:23Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, get it off your neck. All right, Sydney, nice meeting you.

• 29:26Speaker 06

  Nice to meet you guys too. Thank you for everything.

• 29:28Dax Shepard?

  All right, take care.

• 29:31Speaker 07

  Hello.

• 29:32Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 29:33Dax Shepard?

  Is your name Devon?

• 29:34Speaker 01

  Dax thought you were gonna be a boy.

• 29:36Dax Shepard?

  I did.

• 29:37Speaker 07

  It's been a common thread.

• 29:38Dax Shepard?

  I thought you were gonna be a boy with a big barrel chest.

• 29:41Speaker 07

  Wow, okay.

• 29:46Speaker 07

  I'm so happy to meet you both.

• 29:49Dax Shepard?

  We're happy to meet you.

• 29:49Speaker 01

  Why are you happy to meet us? This is a mess.

• 29:54Dax Shepard?

  I'd way rather see you than a barrel chested Devon, for sure. That's just what, for some reason, I decided we were gonna see.

• 30:00Speaker 01

  Devon is a common girl's name too.

• 30:02Dax Shepard?

  Now, you're in a cold climate.

• 30:04Speaker 07

  I am in New York City in Manhattan. I think I accidentally manifested this because I am in a walk-in closet for New York. And when I first toured this apartment, I'm a rule follower, which is actually foreshadowing for this story.

• 30:18Speaker 01

  Oh, great.

• 30:19Speaker 07

  I subconsciously must have, you know, listened to a lot of Armchair, and I saw this walk-in closet. I was like, oh, perfect, if I ever do Armchair Anonymous.

• 30:27Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 30:28Speaker 07

  I can follow the rules, which is sick and twisted.

• 30:31Speaker 01

  No, it's not. You secreted it.

• 30:33Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that needs to be an option for it to happen.

• 30:35Speaker 01

  That was great.

• 30:36Dax Shepard?

  Yes, for New York, this is like a 1,400 square foot closet.

• 30:40Speaker 07

  It's luxury, for sure.

• 30:41Dax Shepard?

  Yes. You're not from New York, are you?

• 30:43Speaker 07

  I am, but outside of the city.

• 30:45Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay, great. I shouldn't have assumed that, but I think New York's like LA where almost nobody is from here.

• 30:51Speaker 01

  Right. Except our Emma is from New York City.

• 30:54Dax Shepard?

  She is.

• 30:54Speaker 01

  You should let her break your stereotype.

• 30:56Dax Shepard?

  I'll conclude Emma and now Devon.

• 31:16Dax Shepard?

  All right, now tell us a grimy cop story.

• 31:18Speaker 07

  Ooh. This takes place about 10 years ago. I was 17. So my mom was taking my brother early morning to baseball over the weekend. What you need to know is that I did dance very competitively growing up, seven days a week, all of that. And as you get older, we had ballet multiple times a week, but it was Saturday mornings at 8:00 a.m., which, looking back now, as you get into high school, they were trying to keep us from going too crazy on the weekends or doing anything because you would have to pay for your crimes with our French ballet teacher on Saturday mornings.

• 31:52Dax Shepard?

  Yes, and was that effective? Did you find that you didn't have much of a social life on Friday nights?

• 31:57Speaker 07

  Sometimes I was trying to get around that. Ah, okay. Especially once I hit 17, I hadn't had much of a social life and I had been kind of pushing. So my mom was not going to be home in the morning. They were leaving at 4:00 a.m. So sometimes I would be able to go out and rely on my mom to be the person to be like, get up, get out, you have ballet. This Friday night, there was a big party. And I was like, Mom, I have to go. And she said, okay, but no one is going to be here to wake you up. You're on your own. And I was like, I'm fine. I am going to have a few glasses of cheap pink wine or whatever the hell I was drinking. I'm going to be totally fine. Like, you can trust me. She was like, okay, you have to get yourself there. So I go out, I have a great time.

• 32:41Speaker 07

  I have a little bit too much pink wine.

• 32:43Dax Shepard?

  Boone's Farm?

• 32:45Speaker 07

  Barefoot pink Moscato.

• 32:46Dax Shepard?

  Okay, I guess it's all changed. Monica just looked at me so disapprovingly. You're really showing your age.

• 32:52Speaker 07

  Boone's Farm.

• 32:53Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that was the pink wine of my generation.

• 32:55Speaker 07

  Oh, God.

• 32:56Dax Shepard?

  Is that even still in the marketplace?

• 32:58Speaker 07

  I've never heard of it.

• 32:59Dax Shepard?

  Have you ever heard of it?

• 33:00Speaker 07

  No.

• 33:00Dax Shepard?

  Oh, this is humiliating. Okay.

• 33:02Speaker 07

  So I have a bit too much and my alarm doesn't go off. I don't wake up. I wake up with a start on Saturday morning, look at my phone and say, oh, I am completely screwed. I am so late. We got to get moving. So I am paying. Panicking, freaking out. You know, when you're like really also hungover, running around, chicken with its head cut off. But instead of being a normal person with a brain and being like, let's get this show on the road, get your dance bag, get in the car. The first thing I do is I have to call my mom to panic cry and tell her what's going on.

• 33:34Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 33:35Speaker 07

  Not a step I needed to take, but obviously I was feeling so much shame about doing exactly what she told me was going to happen. So I go and I grab a landline, which is important. I dial the first three numbers of her phone. But in my state of shock, I dial nine one one. Oh, I think it's my mom. I'm like shaking, I'm shaking. And all I hear on the thing is nine one one, what is your emergency? I immediately hang up.

• 34:00Speaker 07

  They won't know. If I hung up, I hung up. Now I know first red flag. If you hang up, they need to call back.

• 34:05Dax Shepard?

  Make sure you're not being murdered.

• 34:06Speaker 07

  Exactly. So they call back, not once, not twice, three times. I am trying to ignore it to see if it'll go away. Again, second red flag. Finally, I say, this is not going to end. I have to pick up the phone. I pick up the phone, but I am inconsolable at this point. I am anxious. I'm on the verge of tears. I'm manic. They go, we have tried to call this residence. What is going on there? And I'm like, I'm so sorry. I tried to call my mom. I'm late for ballet.

• 34:33Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God.

• 34:33Speaker 07

  Oh, this is.

• 34:35Dax Shepard?

  I'm late for ballet.

• 34:36Speaker 07

  Sweetie, what is going on? Are you in danger? And I'm like, no, no, I promise I'm not in danger. And they're like, well, we need to talk to someone. So being a role follower, despite the fact that it is nine AM on a Saturday morning, and I am nearly eighteen years of age. I get it in my head that, oh, it's illegal that I'm here alone and that there's no one in my house. And they're like, so can you put someone on the phone? Is anyone home? I go, my mom. They go, great. This is like the first story where things are just escalating for absolutely no reason. This is completely my own fault. And they're like, great, put her on the phone. I go, she's in the shower. Again, red flag central.

• 35:16Speaker 07

  And they're like, well, you're gonna need to go get her out of the shower, or else we're gonna have to send in like a full investigation. Because now I'm realizing this is every single flag that they say you are being. Held captive, you're in danger, something's happening, there's someone telling you to say things. I am ticking every box. To be clear, at this point, I haven't actually gotten dressed yet. So I am in random pajamas and no shoes. So my brain goes, okay, take the landline, I'll go to my neighbor and make her pretend to be my mom.

• 35:47Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my goodness, this is a bad TV show.

• 35:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's very Kimmy Gibbler.

• 35:53Speaker 07

  I book it out of my house, barefoot, running through the neighborhood with the landline. So now, if they weren't already afraid, what they are hearing is, I'm gonna go get my mom and a young girl panting.

• 36:03Dax Shepard?

  So you're on a cordless landline?

• 36:06Speaker 07

  I am on a cordless landline. However, what I wasn't thinking of is I get to my neighbor's house, I bang on the door. She answers, I grew up in a neighborhood where we're all very close, so I could feel less embarrassed about how horrible this is. And I'm like, listen, you need to pretend to be my mom. And she goes, sweetie, even if I could, there's no way the landline didn't just disconnect. It did disconnect. So basically, what the cops heard was someone running and panting through the neighborhood and then a disconnect. All of a sudden, cops screaming through the neighborhood.

• 36:38Speaker 01

  I actually like this.

• 36:39Dax Shepard?

  You like it, yeah.

• 36:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, the cops are like, we're going.

• 36:42Dax Shepard?

  Better be safe than sorry.

• 36:43Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 36:44Speaker 07

  I go back inside, they're like banging on the door, and I have now put on my full leotard and tights. Because at this point, I'm still like, come hell or high water, I'm getting my ass to ballet. Like, this is not gonna be the end of me. I go to the door, and I'm like, I'm so sorry. And they're like, what is going on here? I try to explain the story, but it's so dumb. And I'm like, can I please get in my car and go to ballet? And they're like, miss, at this point, this is much bigger than anything else. We have a protocol here, we gotta search high and low. So it takes about an hour, they're looking to see if there is a secret basement, if there are other people being held in this home. Really bad, and a real waste of the poor taxpayer dollars, and I am sorry.

• 37:27Dax Shepard?

  Did they have to get on the phone with your mom at any point on the baseball trip?

• 37:31Speaker 07

  They didn't, because they saw me and I was seventeen years old.

• 37:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:34Speaker 07

  Like, they didn't care. They were like, what is wrong with you?

• 37:37Speaker 01

  Nobody's there to hurt you or anything.

• 37:39Speaker 07

  I was completely fine.

• 37:40Dax Shepard?

  Did you tell them about the pink wine the night before?

• 37:43Speaker 07

  I did not.

• 37:43Speaker 01

  That would be hilarious.

• 37:45Dax Shepard?

  Have they arrested?

• 37:45Speaker 01

  Oh, my god, that would be so funny. I'm so sorry, I'm just, I'm so hungover. How old are you?

• 37:51Dax Shepard?

  Could you put your hands behind your back?

• 37:52Speaker 01

  Coughed. When cops are involved, things get very heated.

• 37:58Dax Shepard?

  People's thinking goes offline.

• 38:00Speaker 01

  It does. Often I'm in the car and if there's just a cop anywhere near me, I really start to get scared for no reason.

• 38:06Dax Shepard?

  Right. You're doing everything by the book.

• 38:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:09Dax Shepard?

  Maybe you've had a couple of pink wines.

• 38:10Speaker 01

  No. No pink wines sober and I'm still scared.

• 38:16Dax Shepard?

  Your mom thought the whole story was funny and I'm sure you got your just desserts.

• 38:20Speaker 07

  She's like, you're an idiot and I could have told you this was gonna happen.

• 38:24Dax Shepard?

  She almost orchestrated the whole thing. She's like, I'm gonna give her enough rope to hang herself. This is parenting 101. It'll be harmless.

• 38:31Speaker 01

  She turned off the alarm.

• 38:33Dax Shepard?

  I didn't want to say anything, but you've brought it back up. Devin triggered me when she said her alarm didn't go off.

• 38:39Speaker 01

  Dax, sometimes the alarm doesn't go up.

• 38:41Dax Shepard?

  Or more often, people don't set it when they've had a couple of pink wines.

• 38:44Speaker 01

  No, you set it and you check it a couple of times and then even still it doesn't.

• 38:49Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. What do you think, Devin? Do you think it didn't go off or you didn't set it?

• 38:52Speaker 07

  Could have been either. I probably didn't set it.

• 38:55Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 38:55Speaker 01

  No, you said it.

• 38:56Dax Shepard?

  Oh, Cam's razor would definitely say you didn't set it.

• 38:59Speaker 01

  There are exceptions.

• 39:00Dax Shepard?

  What are the odds that it goes off all the time, except for the one night you came home drunk?

• 39:04Speaker 01

  I just can't believe this is the one time you're choosing to believe that tech doesn't have bugs.

• 39:09Dax Shepard?

  This is the only time I don't believe women.

• 39:15Speaker 07

  If I was male Devin with a barrel chest.

• 39:18Dax Shepard?

  I'd be like, you gotta get that alarm cock looked at. No, I would definitely think he didn't set it either. And I think all the times that I said my alarm didn't go off, I think I didn't set it. I think that's what happened. Well, Devin, it's a delight to meet you.

• 39:32Speaker 07

  It was so nice to meet you both. Thank you so much for everything. I do want to shout out my mom, who is such a big armcherry. She almost wanted to fly in.

• 39:42Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 39:42Dax Shepard?

  What's her name?

• 39:43Speaker 07

  Her name is Ellen. She loves you both.

• 39:45Speaker 01

  Shout out Ellen.

• 39:47Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. And I like Ellen's parenting.

• 39:49Speaker 07

  She will absolutely die.

• 39:52Dax Shepard?

  All right. Well, take care.

• 39:53Speaker 07

  Thank you both.

• 39:54Dax Shepard?

  All right. Bye.

• 39:56Speaker 01

  I was watching my sexy show. They drink wine in it sometimes. I think it's the most unrealistic thing about the show.

• 40:05Dax Shepard?

  Oh, really?

• 40:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:06Dax Shepard?

  Too young?

• 40:07Speaker 01

  Yes. And then now I'm proven wrong.

• 40:09Dax Shepard?

  Well, kids drink wine for sure in high school. Boones Farm. Hi, Anna. Can you hear us?

• 40:16Speaker 08

  Yes, I can hear you. Can you hear me?

• 40:17Dax Shepard?

  I can. Do you have any opinions on what ages over index for wine conception? Monica saw twenty somethings in a show.

• 40:25Speaker 01

  You can just answer.

• 40:26Dax Shepard?

  Okay. Did you drink as a kid in high school?

• 40:28Speaker 08

  I did not. I was a rule follower, but I'm from Louisiana, so everybody's drinking, okay?

• 40:35Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God, yes.

• 40:36Speaker 01

  But are they drinking wine when they're young?

• 40:39Speaker 08

  I mean, no.

• 40:40Speaker 01

  They're not, right? They're drinking rubbing alcohol like I was.

• 40:43Speaker 08

  I have friends in Europe and they were drinking at thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, all wine.

• 40:47Dax Shepard?

  That's right. And then they're fine. How old are you when you drank for the first time? Did you wait till your twenty-first birthday or college?

• 40:52Speaker 08

  I was twenty.

• 40:55Speaker 01

  You almost made it.

• 40:56Speaker 08

  My aunts took me out for a night. They said, we don't want you to make a fool of yourself. We're gonna give you a little prep.

• 41:02Dax Shepard?

  How did they initiate you? What was the cocktail?

• 41:04Speaker 08

  Oh, we drank everything. We went to a nice dinner and then we went home and then it was game on.

• 41:10Speaker 01

  Right. Oh, I love this.

• 41:13Dax Shepard?

  Okay, where are you in the world?

• 41:14Speaker 08

  I am just north of Dallas in Melissa, Texas, but I'm from Lafayette, Louisiana, which is where the story takes place.

• 41:21Dax Shepard?

  Okay, wonderful. Hit us with this cop story.

• 41:24Speaker 08

  Yes. So the year is two thousand and three. I am eight years old. My parents are freshly divorced. My dad is a police officer, but we are learning a new normal. We have a new house. We're in a new situation. And so while there was a lot of upheaval in my life, I felt like my dad was always this protector. He was the police officer. He was always so strong.

• 41:47Dax Shepard?

  That's a good feeling, isn't it?

• 41:49Speaker 08

  Especially as a little girl.

• 41:50Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 41:51Speaker 08

  Amazing. In our town, we have a little mini mart. My dad and I's thing was when we went to this mini mart, I was allowed to get a Mary Jane, which if you don't know is a small piece of taffy that probably grandmas only eat.

• 42:06Dax Shepard?

  Is it like a fifteen cent item or something?

• 42:09Speaker 08

  Ten cents. Oh, what flavor? It's like a caramelly something. Oh, my, yeah.

• 42:14Dax Shepard?

  Like a slow poke, maybe.

• 42:15Speaker 08

  It was just our thing, and so we would each get a ten cent Mary Jane. Oh, this is so cute. A lot of the times I would run ahead while he was still shopping. It was a small town mini mart, so it wasn't huge, but enough to be out of sight. I would run ahead, grab the candies, and then meet him wherever he was. So this particular day, I run up to grab the Mary Jane's, and as I'm reaching for the candy, someone grabs my wrist. I look up and it is a very tall man in sunglasses, and he says, "I am so sorry. I thought you were my daughter. I'm thinking harmless." And I just skip away. As I said, I'm pretty young, no red flags at this moment. So my dad was a car guy, and when we would drive around locally, we would take our seventy-two Chevy

• 43:00Speaker 08

  that was red and white pickup truck, so you can't really miss it. We hop in the red and white truck. It's a three-seater. We drive home. When we get home, we unload our groceries. I climb up to the counter. I'm eating a snack, and the way that our house was laid out was to the left of the island was a door. The top half was a window, and our garage was open, so that was the door that led into our garage. I'm eating, and I see someone approaching the door, and I turn and look, and it's the man that grabbed my wrist. Oh, my god. He followed us home. Oh.

• 43:34Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 43:35Speaker 08

  At this moment, I'm realizing something isn't right. I still am very confused. The dots are trying to connect, but they're not there yet. I hear my dad come in the room, and he says, "Go to your room." And I say, "No, I'm fine. Everything's fine. What's going on?"

• 43:48Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 43:49Speaker 08

  And he was a very unserious man. We were very silly. We grew up always joking and laughing, and he said... Go to your room. I go in my room. I don't know why this part of the story is so hilarious to me, but I lay in my bed, hands like a plank. I just lay down and look at the ceiling.

• 44:06Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 44:07Speaker 08

  It's so scary. Yeah, I was awaiting my fate. I just was so paranoid and scared at that moment. And I start to hear yelling.

• 44:15Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 44:15Speaker 08

  I hear things breaking.

• 44:17Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 44:17Speaker 08

  I hear glass shattering. Oh, my God.

• 44:20Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 44:20Speaker 08

  And I hear two male voices, my dad and this man, screaming at each other. Nothing like this has ever happened before, so I have no idea what's going on. And my dad was pretty well-liked in the community. I was like, no one's out to get us. What raised my concern and made me go out of my room and start to peek into the chaos of what was happening was I started to hear a female voice. Oh. And she was screaming, "Stop, everyone, stop, stop." And I run out. Now, my dad is a police officer, but he was a short little guy, 5'7", 5'8", maybe on a good day. And this man is like 6'5".

• 44:53Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy.

• 44:54Speaker 08

  I look through the door of my garage. My dad is like a spider monkey on this guy's back. Oh, my God.

• 45:03Speaker 08

  His legs wrapped around this guy's chest. He's got him in a headlock.

• 45:06Dax Shepard?

  Oh, beautiful.

• 45:07Speaker 08

  He sees me poke my head out. I see that there's a female. I have no idea who these people are. He looks at me and he mouths to me, "Call parent", which is Cajun-French for "your godfather." Oh.

• 45:17Dax Shepard?

  Oh, he doesn't want more cops. He wants godfather.

• 45:20Speaker 08

  My godfather was a canine cop.

• 45:22Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 45:23Speaker 08

  Yeah.

• 45:24Dax Shepard?

  Oh, this guy wandered into the wrong house.

• 45:26Speaker 08

  He's a big man, but he's struggling. And so I grab my dad's phone. I call my parent. Within five minutes, three or four police cars pull up to our house. They help my dad out. They handcuff this guy. They load him into the car. I am, meanwhile, panicking because I'm like, this is how I die.

• 45:44Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, well, there's a giant in your home and your dad's like hanging on for dear life.

• 45:49Speaker 08

  My dad comes in. He's flustered, but no injury, no lasting effects. And he sits me down and he goes, "That was crazy." And I was like, "Yeah, it was." And he said, "I arrested that man a few years back." He found out where I was and he followed us home. Our car is very obvious. He probably was scoping out the situation at the store.

• 46:12Dax Shepard?

  But wow, he grabbed you. That's such a crazy detail.

• 46:15Speaker 08

  I will never forget that feeling because right when he grabbed my wrist, I felt a little bit panicked, but when he said, oh, it was an accident. Everything was settled in that moment. Do you think he was gonna do something to you? But then when he saw your little face, he was like, I can't. I've never thought of that part. I just always thought he was thinking, how can I hurt her dad?

• 46:33Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, exactly. Scare everyone. But what's crazy is if you're this dude and you're like, I'm gonna go to the house. You know, it's a cop. You know, he's armed. What's the game plan? I'm shocked he didn't come in.

• 46:44Speaker 08

  With a gun.

• 46:45Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 46:46Speaker 08

  And I don't know if there was any weapons or what. I mean, I wasn't in the chaos and it was happening. Thank God.

• 46:50Dax Shepard?

  And who was the lady?

• 46:51Speaker 08

  His wife, I guess his driver.

• 46:53Dax Shepard?

  She was along for this ride.

• 46:55Speaker 08

  Bonnie and Clyde. Bringing him, yeah.

• 46:57Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my Lord. What was the outcome of all this?

• 47:00Speaker 08

  He went back to jail for that incident. I don't know how long he stayed in jail.

• 47:04Dax Shepard?

  Did your dad say what he had arrested him for initially?

• 47:09Speaker 08

  Probably kidnapping.

• 47:10Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow.

• 47:11Speaker 08

  That's crazy. That's so creepy.

• 47:13Dax Shepard?

  Were you so proud of your dad?

• 47:15Speaker 08

  I was so proud of him. When I saw him on that man's back, I was like, you know what? Your size doesn't matter. That's right. And honestly, when it came to me and my brother, it didn't matter if the person was an ogre. He would have won.

• 47:25Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I like this story. You know, I like my dad's stories.

• 47:31Speaker 08

  We love dads here.

• 47:32Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, we do.

• 47:33Speaker 08

  I just wanna say that the type of dad that you are, Dax, that's how my dad was with me. And as a little girl, you don't forget the way that your dad validates you and is so sweet to you and is involved and cares about what you care about.

• 47:46Dax Shepard?

  Oh, buddy.

• 47:48Speaker 08

  I just wanna say it's kind of a sim. My dad passed away very unexpectedly. Two days before I graduated high school, I got this little email on Father's Day and I just felt like it was so sim. And I was like, thanks, Dad. I get to talk about you. That is so sweet.

• 48:03Dax Shepard?

  I'm so sorry. That's way too young.

• 48:06Speaker 08

  But I'm glad you got a good one. I say that all the time. When people say, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I say, I got him for 18 years. So many people don't have that.

• 48:13Dax Shepard?

  That's a good attitude.

• 48:15Speaker 08

  Oh, thank you so much.

• 48:16Dax Shepard?

  Such a delight meeting you.

• 48:18Speaker 08

  It was so nice meeting you guys. I hope you have a great rest of your day.

• 48:21Dax Shepard?

  Okay, you too. Bye bye.

• 48:24Speaker 01

  Beautiful story.

• 48:25Dax Shepard?

  Oh, it kind of makes up for my missteps with the Boones Farm and the other things I messed up this episode.

• 48:32Speaker 01

  Why did that make?

• 48:33Dax Shepard?

  It just cleansed the palate. We got to go out on a happy note.

• 48:36Speaker 01

  Oh, I see.

• 48:37Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it erased all the bad stuff that happened.

• 48:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:41Dax Shepard?

  You did a bad thing too, or no?

• 48:43Speaker 01

  Did I?

• 48:44Dax Shepard?

  All right, love you.

• 48:45Speaker 01

  Love you.

• 48:47Speaker 09

  Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song.

• 48:50Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay, great.

• 48:52Speaker 10

  We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, a rhyme dish. On the fly, a rhyme dish. Enjoy.