Pod Insights Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VII About this episode Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us a crazy story.
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Transcript 10,829 words · 8 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Dax Shepard? Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Rathers. I'm joined by Buck Rogers.
0:08 Speaker 01 Hi.
0:09 Dax Shepard? Today is wild card. Dealer's choice, chef's kiss. Pick your poison.
0:17 Speaker 01 Uh huh. Roll of.
0:18 Dax Shepard? Royale. Casino Royale. Roll of the dice. That's what Jess says all the time.
0:24 Speaker 01 Well, it was a thing we did at Mess Hall. You could roll the dice and they would bring you a drink and you wouldn't know what it was.
0:31 Dax Shepard? I love that. They should do it more like a Russian roulette where you you hold a toy pistol to your.
0:37 Speaker 01 No, I'm scared of guns.
0:39 Dax Shepard? I'm gonna be honest with everyone. This one leaned very medical.
0:45 Speaker 01 Very.
0:47 Dax Shepard? Very, very medical. So.
0:49 Speaker 01 There's some intense ones.
0:51 Dax Shepard? Yeah. I think it's a skip. Yeah. I think it's a skip. This one's a skip, everybody. So skip it and we'll see you next week.
0:58 Speaker 01 We'll see you next week.
0:59 Dax Shepard? We'll see you next week for a different one. I loved it though.
1:02 Speaker 01 Yeah, me too.
1:02 Dax Shepard? This was wild.
1:03 Speaker 01 Remember the, okay.
1:04 Dax Shepard? They put the wild in wild card. All right. Please enjoy. Wild card. Number seven?
1:10 Speaker 02 Yep, we've done seven.
1:12 Speaker 01 Holy.
1:12 Dax Shepard? This is the seventh wild card?
1:14 Speaker 02 I believe so, yes.
1:16 Dax Shepard? Can't be right, but I must be wrong.
1:18 Speaker 01 Lucky number seven.
1:21 Dax Shepard? We get support from Quince.
1:23 Speaker 01 Okay, can we talk about the fact that the holidays are already here? It's crazy. I feel like I blinked and now we're in gifting season, which I'm not really mad about because I do love giving gifts and Quince is making it so easy to find something great for everyone on my list, including myself, because let's be honest, self gifting is a love language.
1:42 Dax Shepard? Quince is seriously the gift that keeps on giving. Their high quality staples are made with premium materials like 100% Mongolian cashmere, 14 karat gold and Italian leather, full on luxury quality at prices that won't wreck your holiday budget.
1:58 Speaker 01 It's the dream. The cashmere sweater starting at $60, down jackets, wool outerwear, cashmere accessories. You and everyone on your list are staying cozy and looking incredible all season long.
2:10 Dax Shepard? I'm gonna tell you this, it just got chilly for the first time this year in California.
2:13 Speaker 01 Yes.
2:13 Dax Shepard? I'm so excited and I'm wearing my Quince cashmere right now.
2:16 Speaker 01 It's great.
2:18 Dax Shepard? Yeah, and I am going to gift this to some of my friends. I hope they're not listening.
2:22 Speaker 01 Quince is also more than clothing. They've got fine jewelry for your significant other, leather bags for your bestie, hotel quality bedding to set up your guest rooms, chef-grade cookware. That's an amazing thing they offer here and it's such a good gift because people don't like buying cookware for themselves, but it's very important. And they also have five-star luggage, another good gift that people don't like buying for themselves.
2:44 Dax Shepard? Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. This episode is brought to you by McDonald's. Ah, the Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Medium Fries and a Drink is now $8.
3:15 Speaker 01 What?
3:16 Dax Shepard? Okay, I need to talk about something that doesn't get enough respect, the Quarter Pounder with Cheese. This is not a casual burger. This is a crafted burger. We're talking 100% fresh beef, cooked right when you order it. No artificial flavors, no fillers, no preservatives, just beef doing what beef is supposed to do. And here's a detail I love. There's a cowbell sound in the kitchen. When somebody orders a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a cowbell goes off and the grill master throws a fresh patty down. That's like having your own entrance music at McDonald's. I want a cowbell for everything in life. The onions are hand-topped by someone who just knows the right amount. Two slices of cheese laid out in a star pattern, so every single bite gets cheese. And two pickles, side by side, so you're never in a pickle desert.
4:00 Dax Shepard? Every bite is accounted for. Someone engineered this thing with love. I love a Quarter Pounder.
4:06 Speaker 01 Me too. That's my order. It's a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. I love it. I didn't know they put so much effort that they did a star formation. I should have known because you can taste it when there's effort.
4:19 Dax Shepard? Yeah, the love. Don't tell anyone this, but I'll put two of them back.
4:22 Speaker 01 Yeah.
4:22 Dax Shepard? One sitting.
4:23 Speaker 01 I'm not surprised.
4:24 Dax Shepard? The Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Fries and a Drink. Now $8 for a limited time only, only at McDonald's. For a limited time only, prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California, and for delivery. Fresh beef not available in Alaska and Hawaii. Offer not valid for delivery.
5:02 Dax Shepard? Hello, can you hear us?
5:04 Speaker 03 I can hear you. Can you hear me okay?
5:06 Dax Shepard? Yes.
5:06 Speaker 01 And we can see you too.
5:07 Dax Shepard? We can see you. You're in a tent?
5:09 Speaker 03 I'm in a tent slash closet. I like to follow rules like Monica.
5:13 Speaker 01 I love that.
5:14 Dax Shepard? I don't know how you guys do it. I just don't know how rules are followed. Okay, so we're calling you Taylor. That's very promising. And why did you pick Taylor as a code name?
5:24 Speaker 03 There's two reasons. One, my eight-year-old daughter loves Taylor Swift.
5:29 Dax Shepard? Sure. You could have just said eight-year-old daughter and we would have known the rest.
5:33 Speaker 01 Or thirty-seven-year-old daughter.
5:35 Dax Shepard? Yeah, also true.
5:36 Speaker 03 And then my best friend, growing up, and I, that would be our code name. If we went to a restaurant, we didn't want to say her name. Or if we met somebody who we didn't want to tell the truth to, we would use Taylor. It goes way back.
5:47 Dax Shepard? So you do break the rules.
5:50 Speaker 01 No, you invent new rules.
5:53 Dax Shepard? Okay, so Taylor, you have a wild card story.
5:57 Speaker 03 Okay, I'm gonna try and do this as best as possible and stick with the timeline.
6:01 Dax Shepard? Can I tell you, you will not be in trouble if you don't stick to the timeline.
6:05 Speaker 03 Okay.
6:05 Dax Shepard? Just so you know, there's no threat of trouble.
6:08 Speaker 01 Speak for yourself.
6:08 Dax Shepard? Okay, now, yes, that's true.
6:10 Speaker 03 One Saturday in 2012, I was cleaning my stove. I cut my thumb on the metal piece of the burner. I'm trying to push through like it's fine, but it just kept really hurting me. By Monday morning, my thumb was barely swollen. I had to go to the doctor. I was administered two.
6:30 Speaker 03 Shots. One is a T Dap shot and the other one was a flu vaccine. After I saw the doctor, I went to another room. I was in there with a nurse. And she got the T Dap shot all fixed up, but she didn't know that I needed this other vaccine. So I saw her look at the paper, then realized, oh, she's getting another one. She came back in with the other syringe. She administered both shots into my arm. And I went about my day. By that night, I was feeling really off. So the next morning I wake up and I have no energy whatsoever. I pushed through my day at work. And I'm just not feeling good at all. So I call my mom, because she's my best friend.
7:11 Speaker 03 And I say, I think I need to go to the emergency room. So she meets me at my house. She's helping me change out of my work clothes and we noticed that my arm, where I received the shots, was just so swollen and getting like little red spots. So my mom's like, I wonder if it has to do with shots that you got. So we go to the emergency room. They take me in fairly fast because I had such a bad fever. They give me all the good drugs and I'm still uncomfortable. And they tried to say, you know, I think you'll be okay. I think it might just be allergic reaction. You should probably just go home. And I was like, no, I'm not gonna go home. I stay the night and so that was Tuesday night. The next morning, the nurse comes in to check my temperature and do my vitals.
7:56 Speaker 03 And she puts the thermometer to my ear and she looks at it and she has this face. She took the cap off and put a new one in, put it in her ear to look, to make sure she was reading it properly. So then she drops the thermometer and just walks out the door in a really big hurry. My mom's a nurse. She went over and grabbed the thermometer and she looked at it and showed me it was a hundred and five point eight.
8:20 Speaker 03 This is why I'm not feeling good. I'm glad my symptoms are showing the pain I'm in. They get three or four doctors in the room. So they're like, there has to be a pus pocket in your arm because my arm had grown so much bigger since just the day before.
8:38 Speaker 03 I know. I'm not sure how far I should go with this.
8:43 Speaker 03 So they pull out this needle and it is huge. They put that in my arm three to five times and it was excruciating.
8:51 Dax Shepard? And were they pulling out pus?
8:53 Speaker 03 No, there was no pus. They were looking for it. They didn't find anything. So they're all kind of like scratching their heads and we knew one of the doctors. He was like, we're gonna do all the tests for you. So I went into the MRI. As soon as I get out of the MRI, there is already somebody waiting to bring me up to my room. My mom, my dad, and my best friend were waiting right by the door. I couldn't even hardly say hi because the pre-op guy came to get me.
9:26 Speaker 01 Fuck.
9:27 Speaker 03 So it's my mom, my dad, and I in pre-op. The doctor that we know came in and he was like, we read your MRI and it is glowing. You have necrotizing fasciitis.
9:40 Dax Shepard? Well, hold on. Necrotizing fasciitis?
9:43 Speaker 01 That means necrotic flesh.
9:45 Speaker 03 It's flesh eating bacteria.
9:47 Dax Shepard? Oh my god! I've heard of this on the news. I didn't think I'd ever meet anyone in real life. It's a streptococcus bacteria, isn't it?
9:55 Speaker 03 I think it is because they thought it was like an airborne disease. Luckily, it's not. So I got like a really good room. All the nurses that were coming in, you know, it looked like ET.
10:04 Speaker 01 Mercer.
10:05 Speaker 03 They were completely covered.
10:06 Speaker 01 I thought you got that from going in the pond.
10:10 Speaker 03 Every time people see my arm and ask me the story, because I'll tell anybody, and they're like, oh, my gosh, it's from the lake, isn't it? And I'm like, no, it's not. But now you're scaring me. I don't want to go in the lake now.
10:21 Speaker 01 In Georgia, you can't go in the pond or the lake?
10:24 Speaker 03 My mom, being the nurse, knew exactly what it was. And I'm looking at him and he's like, well, it's flesh eating bacteria. It was the scariest thing because just a few months before that, there was a report in the news where a lady in Florida had lost all of her limbs with it. And I read so many stories of this poor woman, and I just could not believe it. And then here I am in pre-op, ready to go in because I have the same thing that this woman had.
10:52 Dax Shepard? Okay, and can I ask, is the source of it your finger you cut or the shot?
10:56 Speaker 03 It was the shot. I sent Emma pictures. I'm not sure if you want to jump ahead.
11:00 Dax Shepard? Oh, I do. It's that time.
11:01 Speaker 02 That whole pile.
11:02 Dax Shepard? The whole pile! Oh my lord. Oh.
11:10 Speaker 01 Oh my god.
11:10 Dax Shepard? Holy fuck, America. Oh.
11:15 Speaker 01 This is horrifying.
11:16 Dax Shepard? Guys, you have to ima- this is one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life.
11:19 Speaker 01 Oh my.
11:20 Dax Shepard? Oh, but you have a smile on your face. Guys, you need to know, it is virtually a football taken out of her upper arm. So they went in there and they cut that area out to get to all the bacteria?
11:32 Speaker 03 Yeah, when the doctor came in to talk to us about it, he was like, we are so lucky we caught it because it was only in your flesh. It did not get to your muscle yet.
11:42 Speaker 01 Thank god.
11:45 Speaker 03 The next day, the pain was still so bad. As you saw, there's black foam in there. It's called a wound back and it helps heal. I won't go into detail. It's a very cool machine, but it's really gross if you see the whole contraption working. I couldn't handle the wound back because my arm was still really painful.
12:02 Dax Shepard? You feel undermedicated throughout this whole story. I want to be there advocating. You need a massive Dilaudid. You need some fentanyl.
12:09 Speaker 03 I was on Dilaudid, but my fever wasn't going down and the pain medicine was probably helping, but it felt like I was burning from the inside out.
12:17 Speaker 01 Jesus. Ah, this is horrifying.
12:20 Dax Shepard? I bet you felt like I did in Mexico City, but for days.
12:24 Speaker 01 I think necrotic flesh is worse than what I felt. Norovirus. I know. I'm sorry to tell you that.
12:29 Dax Shepard? I don't think you can feel worse than I felt for those eight hours.
12:32 Speaker 01 Well, let's hope you don't get this. Go don't go in any ponds.
12:35 Dax Shepard? I'm gonna live on a pond.
12:37 Speaker 01 Oh my god. Those southern ponds and lakes.
12:40 Dax Shepard? So how long was the recovery?
12:41 Speaker 03 I was in the hospital for 10 days because of my symptoms and my fever. They were afraid that I was still gonna either one, lose my arm, or two, it was gonna go to my heart because it was on my left side.
12:52 Speaker 01 Oh.
12:53 Speaker 03 I laugh now, but my boyfriend at the time looks at me and he's like, I can't come to the hospital room every day and see you. I have jobs lined up and then I have a workout routine.
13:03 Dax Shepard? Oh, sure. He's gotta stay fit.
13:05 Speaker 01 At the time is important. That guy sucks.
13:10 Dax Shepard? Well, hold on. No, no, don't. I'm only gonna ask. Were you 20 at the time? Was he like a 20-year-old dumb dumb?
13:18 Speaker 03 No, we were 30.
13:19 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah. That's really bad.
13:21 Dax Shepard? That's rough.
13:22 Speaker 03 I was in the hospital for 10 days and then I had that wound back in for another three months.
13:29 Speaker 01 Wow.
13:30 Speaker 03 And it just slowly closes up and it has to heal from the inside out. Cause if you have an infection, you can't just do stitches to cover it back up.
13:38 Speaker 01 So the needle.
13:40 Speaker 03 Yeah, the poor nurse, cause I'm sure she didn't mean to do this, but in my heart, I feel like she got the T DAP ready. Looked at the paperwork and thought, oh, I gotta go get that other vaccine and then put the T DAP syringe on the tray. And then went to go get the other syringe with the vaccine in it. And then came back and administered it in my arm. When my arm got swollen, you could actually see where the needle had gone in. So it was like opening up, I guess you could say.
14:07 Dax Shepard? It was starting to eat right there.
14:09 Speaker 03 Exactly.
14:09 Speaker 01 So we think it just wasn't clean.
14:11 Dax Shepard? That maybe on the tray?
14:12 Speaker 03 That's my guess because they did go through and do all the tests to make sure it wasn't the actual lot of those T DAPs. Nobody else in my area had contracted this. I was the lucky one in a million.
14:25 Speaker 01 Wowee, wow.
14:27 Dax Shepard? Oh, Taylor, sometimes life is just insanely unfair. You didn't even like do anything wrong while you cut your finger.
14:33 Speaker 01 Well, you picked a bad boyfriend.
14:36 Speaker 03 That's the good thing about this. It just showed me who was there for me and who I really should be spending my time with. It really makes you change your perspective on life.
14:45 Speaker 01 You're very positive. I like that.
14:47 Dax Shepard? A lot of silver linings here. Boy, that fucking sucks. I'm gonna put that in the top five worst injuries I've ever seen. And I've seen like a guy's leg come completely off in a snowmobile accident.
14:56 Speaker 01 Yeah, I think this is like the shark, the wolf bear, whatever.
15:01 Dax Shepard? The bear attack.
15:02 Speaker 01 And this.
15:03 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
15:04 Speaker 01 These are the worst and the best.
15:06 Dax Shepard? Should we have a banquet for like the most injured armed cherries?
15:08 Speaker 01 Oh, how fun.
15:10 Speaker 03 I will be there.
15:13 Speaker 01 Well, thank you so much for sharing that.
15:15 Dax Shepard? Thanks, Taylor. That's incredible.
15:16 Speaker 03 Thank you. You guys have a good day.
15:18 Dax Shepard? All right, you too. Bye, Taylor.
15:21 Speaker 01 Oh, man, I'm sad that happened to her.
15:23 Dax Shepard? You can't even post that picture.
15:25 Speaker 01 No.
15:26 Dax Shepard? You'd get kicked off Instagram.
15:27 Speaker 01 They could have done an episode of Magic School Bus where they go into the wound in the bus.
15:32 Dax Shepard? Explore it with like spelunking tools. You could definitely rappel down into this gash. Wow.
15:38 Speaker 01 Oh.
15:38 Dax Shepard? That sucks.
15:39 Speaker 01 I am never going in a lake.
15:41 Dax Shepard? People get sick at the hospital. It's so fucking common. They say it's like the most dangerous, but there's so many bacterias, viruses.
15:47 Speaker 01 I mean, yeah.
15:48 Dax Shepard? Superbugs.
15:50 Speaker 04 Hey, guys, how are you?
15:51 Dax Shepard? Is this Brennan?
15:52 Speaker 04 It is.
15:52 Dax Shepard? That's a great name. I don't think I've ever met a Brennan.
15:55 Speaker 04 I'm the first, I guess. Sometimes it's spelled with an A and a N and an E.
15:59 Dax Shepard? Okay, so you've met other Brennans?
16:01 Speaker 04 Yes, but not in the same spelling.
16:02 Speaker 01 Are you at a school?
16:03 Speaker 04 I am, actually, at a school.
16:06 Dax Shepard? Are you a teacher?
16:07 Speaker 04 I'm a student advocate at a high school.
16:09 Dax Shepard? Oh, cool.
16:10 Speaker 04 I work at an alternate high school. I help kids who are in rehab, teen parents.
16:14 Dax Shepard? The Aaron Winkley's of the world. He went to an alternate high school. You could smoke cigarettes in class and stuff. It was real Lucy Goose.
16:20 Speaker 04 Sometimes with the teachers.
16:23 Dax Shepard? Okay, so Brennan, you have a wild card story.
16:25 Speaker 04 I do. So it was June of 2014. We had just gotten married and our honeymoon was to Paradise Valley, Montana. We're gonna go whitewater rafting on the Yellowstone. It was the second day we got there. It was kind of overcast, raining on and off. It's June in Montana, so it's not super warm yet. There was a lot of runoff still, so the water levels were pretty high and it was cold. We showed up the outfitter, thinking that we were gonna have like this big group of people to go river rafting with, and there was two other people. And the guys. So it was my wife Nicole, myself, a guy named Billy, I'm gonna say, and a guy named Jeff. Billy was probably in his late teens. I don't know if he was quite an adult yet. And then Jeff was in his mid 50s.
17:06 Dax Shepard? He was Billy's dad?
17:07 Speaker 04 He was Billy's uncle.
17:08 Dax Shepard? Oh.
17:09 Speaker 04 Which I kind of thought was weird at the time, but I mean, whatever.
17:13 Dax Shepard? You never know.
17:14 Speaker 04 So we showed up to this outfitter. The guide's like, hey, all you need is a life jacket and a wet suit. Leave your keys, leave your phone. He's like, oh, if you want the real experience, you need to leave your shoes. I'm just barefoot. I think everybody else was like, no, I'm wearing my shoes. I'm like, I want the real experience. I'm a river man.
17:32 Dax Shepard? He was challenging your masculinity.
17:34 Speaker 04 He definitely was. On the way to the river drop, he starts explaining to us, there's only really two spots that you have to be concerned about. The first spot is a class four rapid at the very beginning. The second one is about a mile down that same river. It's called a hydraulic hole, or what people call a washing machine rapid. And what can happen with that is if you get sucked in, it's hard to get out. It just kind of recycles you. So we get to the drop off area, get in the boat, and on both sides of this river are basically just cliffs. So one side of the river is the road we drove in on. The other side is like a service road. We're 20 miles from really anything. So there's Nicole and I are up front, and behind Nicole is Jeff, and then behind me is Billy.
18:13 Speaker 04 The guide says, hey, when we get up to this rapid, this class four, you have to paddle super hard, or there's a chance that, you know, the boat could flip. At this point is when he's like, oh, by the way, if you fall in, make sure you hold on to the raft. So we can kind of see this rapid coming up. He's like, all right, everybody needs to paddle as hard as they can. So we just dig in, dig in, dig in. I remember looking back and seeing Billy and he's frozen. He wasn't paddling. He wasn't doing anything.
18:39 Speaker 04 And it was scary. I remember the last thing I saw was my feet in the sky.
18:45 Dax Shepard? Oh, your bare feet.
18:47 Speaker 04 My bare hairy hot ass feet. Then I just remember darkness and cold. The water was so cold.
18:54 Dax Shepard? So the boat did a wheelie. It went straight up.
19:10 Dax Shepard? We get support from Gusto. So here's the thing about running a small business that nobody romanticizes. It's not the big idea that wears you down. It's the payroll, the tax filings, the wait, do I need workers comp for this stuff? That's the part that quietly eats away your whole. Afternoon, which is where Gusto comes in. Gusto is online payroll and benefits software built for small businesses. It's all in one, remote friendly and incredibly easy to use so you can pay onboard and support your team from anywhere. They handle automatic tax filing, direct deposits, health benefits, 401k, all of it. And you get unlimited payroll runs for one monthly price. No hidden fees, no surprises. If something tricky comes up, you've got direct access to certified HR experts who
19:55 Dax Shepard? actually know what they're talking about. And they're ranked number one on G2's highest satisfaction products list for 2026 and trusted by over 500,000 small businesses. That's not nothing. Try Gusto today at gusto.com/dax and get three months free when you run your first payroll. That's three months of free payroll at gusto.com/dax. Again, that's gusto.com/dax. We get support from our sponsor Lilly. For adults with obesity or with excess weight and weight-related medical problems, it's time to find out about Foundo or for Gleepran. Foundo is a once daily prescription GLP-1 medicine used with a reduced calorie diet
20:38 Dax Shepard? and increased physical activity to help adults with obesity or some adults with overweight who also have weight-related medical problems to lose excess body weight and keep the weight off.
20:48 Speaker 05 Foundo should not be used with other GLP-1 receptor agonist medicines. It is not known if Foundo is safe and effective for use in children. Don't take Foundo if you're allergic to it or if you or someone in your family had major lary thyroid cancer or multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2. Stop and call your doctor right away if you have an allergic reaction, a lump or swelling in your neck, or severe stomach pain. Serious side effects may include inflamed pancreas and gallbladder problems. Tell your doctor if you experience vision changes. If you're nursing, pregnant, plant to be, or taking birth control pills and before scheduled procedures with anesthesia. Taking Foundo with an insulin or sulfonylurea may cause low blood sugar. Side effects include diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting, which can cause dehydration and may cause kidney problems.
21:27 Speaker 05 Once Daily Foundo is available by prescription only in 0.8mg, 2.5mg, 5.5mg, 9mg, 14.5mg, and 17.2mg tablets. Learn more at foundo.lilly.com or call 1-800-LILY-RX. Now is perfect to talk to your doctor about Foundo.
21:45 Dax Shepard? This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Every family has that one holiday tradition nobody actually enjoys, but everyone keeps doing because stopping it would feel like a federal offense. For me, it was a specific meal situation that I will not name because my family listens. But at some point, you have to ask yourself, am I doing this because I love it? Or because I'm afraid of what happens if I don't?
22:08 Speaker 06 Yes, and that question applies to so much more than the holidays. I think a lot of us carry these invisible rules about how we're supposed to spend the holidays, who we're supposed to see, what it's supposed to look like. And when you start unpacking that with a therapist, you realize half of your stress is coming from rules you didn't even write.
22:24 Dax Shepard? This is where BetterHelp can be a great resource during the holidays. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences, which means they typically get it right the first time. If you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recs.
22:43 Speaker 06 I just love therapy. I've been avoiding it recently, or not avoiding it, but I was like, oh, I'm busy, I'm busy, I'm busy. I haven't canceled, canceled, canceled, but then I-
22:51 Dax Shepard? You start feeling it.
22:52 Speaker 06 Yeah, because then I had it this past weekend and I was like, oh my God, I'm just, thank God, thank God for her. Yeah.
22:59 Dax Shepard? BetterHelp is now in-network with more than 125 health plans, with many copays as low as $15 for eligible members. And if you don't have eligible insurance or live outside the US, you can still get 20% off your first month. Sign up and get 20% off at betterhelp.com/dax. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash DAX. We get support from no bull. The holidays can get hectic. You finally hit a post-summer routine and suddenly you're on hosting duty every week.
23:33 Speaker 06 That's when you really need to ground yourself.
23:35 Dax Shepard? Exactly, and that's why I keep my training routine through the holidays. It's the whole no bull idea. There's a no bullshit training brand built around consistency, honesty, and just putting in the work. It's not about adding more pressure to an already packed schedule. It's about having the gear and the habits to move through the season your way. Favorite. All three of the shoes are fantastic. The Outwork, the Outwork Flex and the Drive Two. I like the Drive Two because it's a hybrid. And I lift, of course, but I also like to do what's called box jumps. Right? I do a lot of jumping onto a little platform and I want a little more flexibility. And boy, do they deliver.
24:12 Speaker 06 And if you're a cardio person and you're running and you also need to be lifting.
24:16 Dax Shepard? And the style is banging. I don't know what to say. Beautiful style, very breathable, very, very comfortable, lots of support. They were built for lifting.
24:24 Speaker 06 They also make a great holiday gift. You know, I love gifting. A purposeful one that actually supports someone's goals and routines. And it's not a gift that just ends up in the back of the closet.
24:33 Dax Shepard? Stay stronger than the season. Head to nobolproject.com all holiday season to shop new deals every week.
24:50 Speaker 04 So all five of us were in the water at this point. Raff's upside down and luckily we had fallen in close enough to the raft where we could grab hold of it. So everybody still hold of it. So there's me on one side with Billy, Jeff and Nicole on the other side and the guy's on the back. He says, hey, I gotta hop on top of this because on the top of the raft, there's a rope that they can pull in case of a flip. So he's like, hey, I gotta pull this raft back over. You guys need to let go for a second. So it counts one, two, three. And on three, Billy lost his shit. He lets go and he jumps on top of me, like on my head, pushes me under the water.
25:25 Speaker 06 What?
25:25 Dax Shepard? He's panicked like he's gonna drown. So he's like trying to grab onto something. This is why you don't rescue a drowning swimmer, by the way.
25:32 Speaker 04 Have you guys seen that scene in The Guardian when he elbows him?
25:34 Dax Shepard? Yeah, that's the move is you gotta knock the person out.
25:37 Speaker 04 I should have elbowed it, but yeah. He jumps on top of my ass and sends me and him down river. It was enough force to push us away from the raft. We are moving at a much faster pace than the raft.
25:48 Dax Shepard? Did he get it over? Cause that's its own challenge.
25:50 Speaker 04 Yeah, he actually was able to pull Jeff and Nicole back in. It's a crazy river and I'm in and out, in and out, trying to catch my breath. And all the while I like go under, I come back up and I can hear like
26:02 Speaker 04 And I finally hear the guy get to the left side, get to the left side washing machine.
26:10 Speaker 04 And in my head, I'm like, oh God. Nicole's there paddling, the guy's paddling. All Jeff is doing at this point is just scream crying for Billy.
26:17 Dax Shepard? Oh yeah, he's like, how am I gonna tell my brother I lost his son on this river? Well, this is a mess.
26:23 Speaker 04 So I start swimming as hard as I can. I could just hear Billy screaming behind me and I'm like, he's not even moving. He's sitting there with his hands on his life jacket, just screaming bloody murder.
26:32 Dax Shepard? Oh, fuck Billy.
26:35 Speaker 04 Part of me was like, do I do the selfish thing and just keep swimming and just let him go?
26:39 Dax Shepard? Let's relieve you of some guilt. You're doing a quick analysis whether one of you can live or none of you can live. I think that's the right math to be doing. I like didn't even think about Billy. Oh, okay, yeah.
26:54 Dax Shepard? Billy's on his own. Billy is the reason you're in this situation. You kind of want Billy to be punished a little bit.
27:00 Speaker 04 That's diabolical.
27:03 Speaker 04 So I'm sitting in the river and I'm like, okay, I gotta go back and get Billy.
27:06 Dax Shepard? Wow, you're nice.
27:09 Speaker 04 On the river, the right side, as you go around, is where the washing machine rapid is. The reason he was telling us to get to the left is because if you got far enough to the left of the river, you would miss it. I go back and I grab him with my right arm by the life jacket. And he's just like flailing. He's not doing anything. I'm trying to one arm myself and him to the left side of the river. I was exhausted at this point. But my adrenaline was going, so I had enough strength to get to where I knew he was gonna be okay. And I knew that if I didn't let him go, we were both going over. At that point, I was like, okay, I'm gonna get to the shore. I think I pulled him enough. I got to the side of the shore, got out and just like laid on a rock and then Billy went over. And I didn't see him go into the rapids. Like, I couldn't see him at all the way the river was.
27:51 Speaker 04 And so I had no idea if I helped him, but I do remember one specific moment of terror. When I'm laying on this rock, just exhausted, I remember looking back and seeing my newly wedded wife. And the guide and this screaming middle aged man fly past me.
28:07 Speaker 06 Yeah.
28:08 Speaker 04 How are they gonna come get me? I'm in the wild by myself. Like, what the hell am I gonna do? So I am now laying on this rock in the middle of the Yellowstone wilds, basically. With no shoes, no cellphone. All I have is my life jacket and my wet suit.
28:25 Dax Shepard? And you're in bear country.
28:26 Speaker 06 Oh, no.
28:27 Speaker 04 So we were driving through Yellowstone the day before and had seen some black bears. That's always in my mind, like, oh, no.
28:33 Dax Shepard? Yeah, what's next is the bears.
28:36 Dax Shepard? You feel so validated, right, to just avoid the nature?
28:39 Speaker 06 Yes. Don't go there.
28:41 Dax Shepard? Don't go to nature.
28:42 Speaker 04 Well, I don't anymore, so.
28:43 Speaker 06 Okay.
28:44 Speaker 04 There's the two cliffs on each side. I have to make a decision. I'm like, all right, I'm gonna climb up this cliff. And go to the service road and maybe that's where the company van can come get me. And I'll just kind of wait there.
28:54 Dax Shepard? Because you're like, there's no way I'm getting back in the water.
28:57 Speaker 06 No, hell, no.
28:58 Dax Shepard? And float down to meet them. Okay.
28:59 Speaker 04 That did cross my mind. Maybe I could walk along the river and they maybe have stopped, but I didn't know if they just kept going. I don't know. Billy had just kept going, so I'm like, they could be miles down the river. Who knows how long it would take? So I start climbing this cliff, basically, barefoot. My feet are bleeding. I get to the top and I kid you not. Do you know what goat heads are?
29:18 Dax Shepard? No.
29:19 Speaker 04 They're like a thorn. They get like hard when they fall off and they're like really pokey and they get in bike tires and bike tires go flat all the time. There's a whole freaking field of them. So I take off my life jacket and I try to strap it to my feet, thinking like, maybe I could like scooch across this field of goat heads.
29:33 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
29:34 Speaker 04 Nah, it didn't work. So I basically just had to like walk across this nasty field. All the while, they'd caught up to Billy. He had gotten out of the river, pulled the boat off. The guide was like, hey, I'm gonna go up and take Billy back to the van. He's not gonna wanna keep going. All of them were like, we don't wanna go. Nicole's like, I don't wanna keep going. Like, where's my husband?
29:53 Speaker 06 Yeah.
29:53 Speaker 04 What the hell is going on? And he goes, well, I'm gonna go up and drop Billy off and look for Brennan. He's gone for thirty minutes, comes back without Billy. And tells Nicole, oh, I found Brennan. He's gonna go back in the van. He doesn't wanna keep going.
30:07 Speaker 06 So he lied?
30:09 Speaker 04 He lied. Told Nicole that I was okay and safe.
30:13 Speaker 06 Oh, my.
30:14 Dax Shepard? Okay, hold on. Everyone's gonna hate this and make an argument for him.
30:18 Speaker 01 No.
30:19 Dax Shepard? Look, everyone's fucked at this point. Let's just say no one's days going as planned. So he's like, okay, I have this woman on board. Is it gonna be easier for her to continue thinking her husband's safe?
30:30 Speaker 01 Why do they need to continue? Why can't they do what he did with Billy?
30:33 Speaker 04 They can only pull the raft out at a certain point in the river because it's so heavy. And they remember the cliffs. So there was like a side path that they walked out, but it wasn't wide enough for the raft. So they had to finish.
30:42 Dax Shepard? The boat got it.
30:44 Speaker 01 Fucking boat. Oh, my God.
30:46 Dax Shepard? Expensive boat.
30:47 Speaker 01 The boat? Who gives a fuck? You get the people out.
30:50 Speaker 04 I mean, I agree. He comes back, tells Nicole that I'm safe and I didn't want to finish. I'm like, come on, man. I literally just got married to this woman. Please don't make me sound like some sort of weenie. He's like, hey, you gotta finish the tour with us at that point. And it was probably like only another two hours or so. So they get back in and the rest of the river is pretty calm for him. But all the while, I finally get to the road. But for some reason, I don't know if I got disoriented, I started walking in the wrong direction. And now when I think back, I'm like, I was so stupid because I could have just looked at the river. So I take off the top of my wetsuit because now I'm just cold. So I'm half naked, basically, with just my life jacket in my hand. And I'm walking down the road for probably like 40 minutes or so. And this Prius starts coming
31:32 Speaker 04 down the road. And I'm like, I'm saved. Sweet. They can like call somebody. It's all good, right? There's a lot of tourists in Yellowstone. And I could not communicate with them. They spoke an entirely different language.
31:43 Dax Shepard? Sure, sure, sure. They were on vacation.
31:45 Speaker 04 And all they said was Yellowstone with a question mark. They're like Yellowstone? Where's Yellowstone?
31:48 Dax Shepard? They were looking for you to help them find Old Faithful.
31:52 Speaker 04 Also, I'm bleeding.
31:56 Speaker 04 So they turn around and leave. And I'm like, okay, at least there's traffic on this road.
31:59 Speaker 01 Right.
32:00 Speaker 04 So I keep walking. And I finally get to this like ranger shack. I put my life jacket on the ground and just kind of lay down. And it starts to rain. All of a sudden, I just see the headlights and the van. So they had finally found me. And it was four hours or so later.
32:13 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
32:15 Speaker 04 Billy had run up to Nicole after all this and was like, oh, my gosh, your husband saved my life. Thank you so much. She's like, get away from me.
32:21 Speaker 01 Yeah.
32:22 Speaker 04 After all of this, we're back in the van. And the guy was like, hey, how would you like to come work with us next summer? You can get certified and come work on the river with us. And I'm like, yeah, that sounds awesome. Let's do it. My wife was like, absolutely not. You're not getting back on that boat.
32:36 Dax Shepard? That guy is up and down. He's like saying you're not qualified.
32:39 Speaker 01 I know.
32:39 Dax Shepard? You're a quitter and then he's offering you a job. I mean, he's really got to get his narrative straight.
32:44 Speaker 04 I wouldn't be surprised if their river rafting business is no longer around.
32:47 Speaker 01 Yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
32:51 Dax Shepard? Oh Brennan, have you ever gone rafting again?
32:53 Speaker 04 No, I would, but the very next day we actually went hiking and ran into some brown bears and my wife took off running, left me for dead again.
33:01 Speaker 01 Oh, this is a horrible honeymoon.
33:04 Speaker 04 It was great.
33:05 Dax Shepard? You're still together though?
33:06 Speaker 04 Yep, we're still together. She's, she's actually here.
33:08 Dax Shepard? Get her in here.
33:09 Speaker 06 Hi.
33:10 Dax Shepard? Hi, can you hear us?
33:11 Speaker 06 Yes.
33:12 Dax Shepard? That sounds like a terrible honeymoon.
33:14 Speaker 01 Yeah, I'm so sorry.
33:16 Speaker 06 Like I'm getting to a widow and the guide was like Brennan's not finishing and I'm like, I married a horrible person.
33:24 Speaker 01 I'm not following all the logistics of why he couldn't just bring you back up.
33:28 Speaker 06 I don't know either. Maybe he wanted to spend extra time with me or something.
33:32 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
33:33 Speaker 01 Yeah, maybe that was.
33:35 Dax Shepard? He flipped it. He drove it straight into the jump, flipped it. He's like, I'll be alone with her in no time.
33:41 Speaker 01 Exactly.
33:41 Dax Shepard? He's got to get rid of his uncle and nephew.
33:43 Speaker 01 And I'm going to say your husband is a wimp.
33:45 Dax Shepard? He went back to Utah, he told me. He's getting this annulled. Well, it's nice meeting both of you. I'm sorry that was your honeymoon.
33:53 Speaker 04 No, it's all good. We're happily married though. Thanks for letting us tell our story, guys.
33:57 Dax Shepard? All right, take care.
33:57 Speaker 04 See ya.
33:59 Speaker 01 Wow, honeymoon.
34:01 Dax Shepard? Honeymoon in hell.
34:02 Speaker 01 My honeymoon is gonna be.
34:05 Dax Shepard? In a spa.
34:06 Speaker 01 Yeah.
34:07 Dax Shepard? Yeah. Keep it nice and safe. But you might fall in love with your masseur.
34:11 Speaker 01 Well, you want a little risk. Cause that's the kind of risk I'm willing to take.
34:14 Dax Shepard? That's the kind of risk you'll take on.
34:16 Speaker 01 You mean masseuse.
34:18 Dax Shepard? I said masseur.
34:19 Speaker 01 I know.
34:20 Dax Shepard? Mon monseur.
34:21 Speaker 01 And monseur.
34:23 Dax Shepard? Hello. How are you all? Wonderful. Is this Elizabeth? Where are you at, Elizabeth?
34:29 Speaker 06 I'm in South Carolina.
34:30 Dax Shepard? Oh, wonderful. Okay, so you have a wild card story. So this could be anything. Could be a ghost story. We don't know.
34:37 Speaker 06 Not a ghost story. When I was graduating college, I wanted to do something fun summer after and my professor reached out and was like, I'm gonna climb Mount Kilimanjaro over the summer. And I was like, oh, seems like a great opportunity, something I would never do, honestly. I love a shower at night, love to sleep in my bed, like not a camping girl. But for some reason, I was like, this is great. This is exactly what I need. I'd taken some classes with her. She was great. And she was like, I'm taking students from my last institution. We get there and she was like, oh, one more thing. After we hike, the next day, I really like to go and get a massage. And I was like, oh, that's awesome. I can get on board with a massage.
35:18 Dax Shepard? Now she's speaking your language.
35:19 Speaker 01 We were just talking about spas.
35:21 Dax Shepard? And mansours.
35:21 Speaker 06 We climbed the mountain. Honestly, the climate itself wasn't awful.
35:25 Dax Shepard? How long did it take?
35:26 Speaker 06 Seven days up, two days down, so nine in total.
35:28 Speaker 01 Yuck. No wonder you get a massage after.
35:30 Dax Shepard? Are you camping or are there lodges along the way?
35:33 Speaker 06 No, you're in a tent. I don't know why I wanted to do this. I would never do it again. I mean, I had a great experience.
35:39 Dax Shepard? And you're going pooty in the woods and stuff?
35:41 Speaker 06 Mm hmm. The whole nine yards. Like when we were at camp, they would set up these little tent porta potties. But if you had to go on the hikes during the day, you just had to find like a rock.
35:52 Dax Shepard? And hope the lion didn't leap out from behind you.
35:55 Speaker 01 With the rock?
35:56 Speaker 06 I brought toilet paper.
35:57 Speaker 01 Oh, good for you.
35:58 Speaker 06 There's no way. But a lot of people really struggled with altitude and so their stomachs were super messed up and they were just having to find rocks and stuff. And the higher you get, the less rocks there are. So less things to really hide behind. And it was really more of just like a distance thing whenever you had to go.
36:15 Speaker 01 I'm not doing this.
36:16 Speaker 06 So that was interesting, but the hike itself was great. But the whole time I was really looking forward to the massage, like at night when I was cold in my tent. I was like, this is gonna be worth it. I'm gonna get this massage at the end. Or like when my shoulders or my feet were hurting, I was like, massage at the end. So we finish and the next day I wake up and I was like, today is the day. They didn't have one big place for everyone to go. So they dropped us off. Around Tanzania to get these massages in pairs of two. And so I get dropped off in the strip mall with the girl that I shared a tent with. It looks spa-like on the inside. They did tell me not to expect a massage like I would get here, which I was like, that's fair. I am here for the experience. I do enjoy traveling. Whatever is going on there, I'm good for. So I get into the room and I wait for the lady to leave and she doesn't.
37:02 Speaker 06 And I was like, okay, cool. And she just starts undressing me.
37:05 Dax Shepard? Oh, wow. She's undressing you. Okay.
37:07 Speaker 06 This is interesting, but again, going with it. And I turn around and she's like, get on the table face down. And it's just a table.
37:13 Dax Shepard? And have you gotten down?
37:14 Speaker 01 No sheets.
37:14 Dax Shepard? Okay, but hold on. Have you gotten fully nude?
37:16 Speaker 06 I was wearing leggings, so I wasn't wearing anything under the leggings. I was expecting some coverage. So there was just nothing there, just on a table.
37:24 Dax Shepard? Oh.
37:24 Speaker 01 Also, yeah, not comfy.
37:27 Speaker 06 So cold.
37:27 Speaker 01 Oh, oh my god.
37:30 Speaker 06 I'm laying face down and I'm kind of taking in the room as she's getting things ready. And I'm looking at the walls because the lights didn't turn off either. It's like bright lights. There was no real relaxing, no like music playing.
37:43 Speaker 01 Surgery room.
37:44 Speaker 06 And I'm noticing oil all over the walls.
37:47 Dax Shepard? Oh, okay.
37:48 Speaker 06 As I'm thinking, this is so weird. I hear like splurt and then all over my back, there's oil. Whatever you're thinking, triple it. And that's probably not much. And so I'm lying on my stomach and she's massaging my back and I'm trying to like really enjoy it. I'm kind of relaxing by the time we're done with being on my stomach and she's like flip over. I flip over and I'm alarmed at how naked I am. The lights are all on and we make eye contact. And she looks at my boobs and she goes, hmm, how old are you? I was like 22 and she was like, little girl. I don't have big boobs.
38:21 Dax Shepard? Wait, you made a pinching sign. Did she pinch your breasts?
38:24 Speaker 06 Yeah, she grabbed them. She said very flat chested.
38:26 Speaker 01 Oh my.
38:27 Speaker 06 I'm trying to recover from that and she's like massaging my shoulders. She finds her way back to my boobs and just continues there for like 10 or 15 minutes.
38:37 Speaker 01 She likes that part. Maybe she thinks she'll make them bigger.
38:42 Dax Shepard? Elizabeth, what's your comfort level? Cause again, we've talked about this in previous massage episodes. I can see myself. Coming to whatever I could lock into like, I'm going with this, you know? Where were you at mentally when she was on minute eight of your breast massage?
38:56 Speaker 06 I was just kind of going with it. I was like, this is gonna be funny when I meet up with my friend that I shared this tent with. And I was like, we're gonna laugh about this because I bet she's getting the same treatment. This is how it is here. And I was like, this is really uncomfortable for me personally, but we're not gonna say anything. I don't want to offend this nice lady.
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40:19 Speaker 06 So I mean, she's like playing with my nipples, the whole nine yards.
40:24 Speaker 06 She kept making eye contact with me every time I opened my eyes.
40:27 Dax Shepard? Wow, this is a nightmare.
40:28 Speaker 06 It became a lot. And so she continues to move down my body and I realize she's going down there. Finally said something. I was like, we're gonna do it. And she was pretty offended. I felt bad. She's like, well, where would you like to spend this extra time? And I was like, I guess my feet like really hurt. I was like, am I gonna get anything out of this? My feet were hurting that whole nine days on that mountain. So I'm gonna need a little extra love there.
40:52 Dax Shepard? I don't want to dwell on your assault, but I am curious, was she going to try to finger you?
40:56 Speaker 06 I think she was going for happy ending.
40:58 Dax Shepard? Yeah, right.
40:58 Speaker 06 At the time, that was where my mind was. I was just so confused.
41:02 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
41:02 Speaker 06 It went from, I'm just gonna let this slide on my boobs. So like, this is a really weird situation.
41:08 Speaker 01 It went from this is cultural to now it's not.
41:12 Dax Shepard? Yeah, this is an erotic massage.
41:13 Speaker 01 Yeah. Fuck.
41:14 Speaker 06 So she finishes up on my feet. She did a great job down there.
41:20 Speaker 06 We're wrapping things up and she's like, would you like to go to the shower with me? And I was like, although my body is covered in all of this oil, I'm good. We're done. So I go to try to dress and she again wants to dress me. The leggings and the oil, it was the longest.
41:37 Dax Shepard? This is worse than the height.
41:39 Speaker 01 Yeah, it is.
41:39 Speaker 06 It really was.
41:40 Dax Shepard? And at any point were you going, oh, wow, my professor's a pervert. She likes an erotic massage.
41:45 Speaker 01 No, but she didn't know about this place.
41:47 Dax Shepard? Uh, let's find out.
41:48 Speaker 06 I thought the boot part was normal. Honestly, I was just like, this is so weird. We're gonna laugh about this. I was just really trying to make this a funny situation, I guess. I don't know. I didn't want to think about it too hard. She finally dresses me. I used to wear like all these friendship bracelets. She's trying to get those back on and I found it's like, let me just put them in my pocket. So we get done and I'm in the lobby and I pay and I meet up with my friend and I was like, wow, that was like a really weird massage. And she's like, what are you talking about? I was like, did they touch you? And she was like, touch me? Yeah, it was a massage. I was like, did they play with your boobs? And she was like, no.
42:23 Dax Shepard? Oh.
42:24 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
42:25 Dax Shepard? Oh, wow.
42:26 Speaker 01 Wait.
42:27 Speaker 06 She was like, I think that lady was trying to give you a happy ending massage. And I was like, oh, that was the first time that it clicked.
42:33 Dax Shepard? Oh, my lord. She might have just been a fucking pervert. Did you talk to your professor about it?
42:37 Speaker 06 Yeah, she was like, you have the worst luck.
42:40 Speaker 01 So no one else had this? Wow.
42:42 Speaker 06 Just me.
42:43 Speaker 01 Oh, I would be so freaked out with the hands starting to crawl down.
42:48 Dax Shepard? What would you have done on the breast part?
42:50 Speaker 01 I would have done the same thing. I would have thought the breast part was cultural.
42:54 Speaker 06 Especially because they gave me the warning. I was just like, oh, this is just what they do. Because everything else besides not having like a blanket or anything was a very regular massage. A lot of extra oil, but just a regular massage.
43:05 Speaker 01 Right.
43:06 Dax Shepard? An excessive amount of oil.
43:07 Speaker 01 Wow, so weird.
43:08 Dax Shepard? Oh, that was great, Elizabeth. Yeah, real twisty and turning.
43:11 Speaker 01 Massage Stories was our first Armchair Anonymous.
43:15 Speaker 06 I know, and I missed the prompt.
43:17 Speaker 01 Yeah.
43:18 Dax Shepard? That's what birthed the idea. I was getting a massage at a hotel and I'd seen all these older men there on lovers' weekends with their wives. And I thought, all these guys are on Viagra and Cialis. Are they becoming erect in these massages? That's what it started as. Don't you remember? Yes, that's 100% what I started thinking. What are all these guys who are all bumped up on Cialis and Viagra for the weekend doing in these massages? Are they getting boners?
43:43 Speaker 01 I don't remember.
43:44 Dax Shepard? You don't remember that part?
43:46 Speaker 02 I remember that.
43:46 Speaker 06 I kind of remember that.
43:49 Dax Shepard? I think it's everyone but Monica remembers it. You just scrubbed it from your memory.
43:54 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's probably right. Oh, man. Well, thank you so much.
44:00 Speaker 06 Yeah.
44:00 Dax Shepard? So nice meeting you. All right, bye bye.
44:03 Speaker 01 I wanted to tell her that she could go by Lilabit.
44:06 Dax Shepard? Help me through. Help me with the math of that.
44:09 Speaker 01 The Queen of England, her name was Elizabeth.
44:13 Dax Shepard? Yeah, Queen Elizabeth.
44:14 Speaker 01 And her husband and family called her Lilabit.
44:17 Dax Shepard? Lilabit. We learned that on The Crown?
44:19 Speaker 01 Yep.
44:20 Dax Shepard? Why'd I forget that part? Because I'm bad with names. Cassandra?
44:25 Speaker 06 Yes.
44:26 Dax Shepard? Beautiful earring, very eye catchy.
44:28 Speaker 06 Thank you. They are by an indigenous artist named Joe Big Mountain. He did the quilt work for Lily Gladstone's Oscar dress.
44:36 Speaker 01 No way, amazing.
44:38 Dax Shepard? Where do you live?
44:39 Speaker 06 So I am currently located
44:40 Speaker 01 In Salt Lake City.
44:42 Dax Shepard? Okay. And are you from Utah?
44:44 Speaker 01 No, born and raised Montana.
44:46 Dax Shepard? We just talked to an armcherry that's from Salt Lake and their story took place in Montana.
44:52 Speaker 01 That's true.
44:53 Dax Shepard? Okay, so you have a wild card story.
44:55 Speaker 01 This takes place August 29th, 2001. I am 19 at the time. And I am supposed to be starting my freshman year of college in a week. I grew up in a rural town called Phillipsburg, Montana, and outside of town, there was a sapphire mine. Summer job, I worked at the sapphire mine. Two parts to it. You could, as a tourist, go pay for a five gallon bucket of dirt and sift it down, or you could go up and dig your own dirt if you were more intense. And that's where I worked. Happened to be my last day on the job before I was done for this season. And at the beginning of the season, for this particular feed dig site, a backhoe had gone in, created a pretty big trench,
45:40 Speaker 01 about 20, 25 feet wide. So there were these two walls that people could then dig into. Fast forward, end of the season here, one of the walls got to be pretty tall. We're talking about eight to 10 feet. And a large overhang started to develop.
45:55 Dax Shepard? Okay.
45:56 Speaker 01 I'm sitting out away from this wall and I hear a crack. Everything goes black. I am completely buried. Buried alive.
46:05 Dax Shepard? Thick, heavy dirt.
46:06 Speaker 01 We're talking two to three tons just on me. No.
46:10 Dax Shepard? Oh my gosh. Are you by yourself?
46:14 Speaker 01 So there's customers up there. Sad part of this story is there was another customer. Rockhound from Idaho loved to spend his vacation time at their digging stones. And he was further underneath and he died on impact.
46:27 Dax Shepard? Oh my god. So this is a severe, crushing amount of weight.
46:32 Speaker 01 Huge. Imagine 10 feet tall, 15 feet long, just falling down. It crashes down on me. I think, oh, this is gonna be like an avalanche. Let me try and get my hands up to my face, create an air pocket. I try and turn away and everything goes black.
46:52 Speaker 01 I am not my body. I am immediately just in the universe, having a conversation. There is no sense of time. My body does not exist. I have all the time. In the world to decide whether I want to live or die. It was just this really comforting place to be. There was no panic. There was just, oh, here's a decision I get to make. Wow. And so I'm having this conversation with the universe. Other people talk about white lights and life reviews and their near death experiences. I didn't get any of that. It was just me saying, yeah, I don't think I'm quite done yet. I've got some things I'd like to do. There was one particular sentence that I said, which was, I haven't been a judge yet.
47:37 Speaker 01 At the time I was political science, pre-law. And the minute I said that sentence, I was back in my body. And it was just like instantaneous. It felt like I was in that space for like 10, 15 minutes. In actuality, I was maybe a minute to a minute and a half. I can hear them saying my name. I'm aware what's happening. I'm aware I'm completely buried.
48:01 Dax Shepard? And really quick, when you tried to move your hands up to your mouth to create that air pocket, could you move your body at all or you cemented in?
48:09 Speaker 01 Completely cemented in.
48:11 Dax Shepard? This is the nightmare of all nightmares. As someone who's claustrophobic.
48:14 Speaker 01 I mean.
48:15 Dax Shepard? You're having a hard time breathing, right?
48:19 Speaker 01 I'm trying to spit some dirt out of my mouth. And one of the guys who'd been up there a lot that summer, so I'd gotten to know him really well. He sees this little bit of dirt move and he starts to uncover my face. My eyes are just caked with dirt, so I actually can't see anything. And I wear contacts, I really can't see anything. They start to get my body uncovered. In the meantime, this is 2001 rural Montana, there's no cell phone service. And our radios were not working. So one of the other customers jumped in their private vehicle and drove like the 15 minutes down the mountain back to the base to call 911 and say, we need help. There's been a cave in at the Sapphire Mine and people are buried.
49:04 Speaker 01 Oh, my God. As they're starting to get me uncovered and they get my torso uncovered first and free up my arms, they get this pretty.
49:14 Dax Shepard? They boulder off my chest and when they removed that weight, blood started moving everywhere and I could tell that I was bleeding inside.
49:23 Dax Shepard? I'm like spitting into my hand, asking one of the other customers up there, hey, like, hey, what color is this? I need to know. And he's like, well, why do you need to know? And I'm like, well, I need to know if I'm spitting up blood yet. And that kind of cued them into like, oh, she might know other things that's wrong with her. So it's like, yeah, my neck feels funny. My back feels funny. My pelvis feels funny. These are the areas that I can tell are probably broken. They continue getting me unburied and there was a boulder that fell next to my head so close that it pinned my hair down. It was so big, they couldn't move it. So they had to just cut my hair to get my head away from it. Took about an hour to dig me out. Volunteer ambulance shows up because that's what we have. The closest hospital that I need to get to is over 90 minutes away.
50:09 Dax Shepard? Are you optimistic during this? Are you starting to get concerned you're going to run out of time? This very comforting conversation that I just had with the universe was nope, here's my new contract. I'm going to live. And so pretty calm about the whole thing. I get loaded up on volunteer ambulance, backboard, neck brace. We're going down the mountain. I'm really starting to go into shock. Emergency life support from Missoula had gotten the call. They rushed out to meet up with me. We do a transfer on the side of the road. They are working on me. They realize I got pretty much no blood in me. They tried IVs in my feet, my neck, nothing was sticking. They put a big like
50:51 Dax Shepard? stint into my left lung to get me some air. Finally, they load me up into that ambulance. We take off again. About 15 minutes later, a helicopter finally makes it to us. Transfer again on the side of the road. They're working on me again on the side of the road before they get me up in the air. The whole time, haven't lost consciousness. Still there, still talking. Finally, we land at the hospital on top of the roof and they get me out of the helicopter.
51:18 Speaker 01 I just see white coats everywhere and get me into the elevator. Those doors close and it was this very conscious. All right, I'm out. I pass out. I wake up in the emergency room to my mom and one of the nurses stitching up my hand. So they did emergency chest tubes and gave me a little over four units of blood. They stabilized me. And then the next day they flew me out to Seattle Harborview because I was a trauma one and I needed massive teams of doctors. My pelvis was broken in four different spots and my left SI joint was totally hinged open towards the back and then rolled back forward. So they thought they were going to have to put a rod like in and out of my pelvis area to stabilize it.
52:03 Speaker 01 They told my parents I'd be out in Harborview for four to six weeks. So I flew out there August 30th, 2001. Spent three days in ICU, then got moved to my own room. About September 8th, they removed the chest tubes and we said, okay, we're going to discharge on September 10th.
52:20 Dax Shepard? Not even two weeks.
52:22 Speaker 01 Yeah. The only way for me to get home comfortably was by air. I was not going to do a 10 hour ambulance ride in my condition. So we chartered a flight to come to Seattle, pick me up and fly me back to Montana. It's pretty late in the afternoon on September 10th. My pulmonologist is like, ah, what's one more day? And my mom was like, we're getting home tonight. The flight is here, the plane's here, we're leaving, I don't care what time. So we land in Montana. It's still a little light out, but it's sun's starting to set. And then I get to a rehab facility and then the next day, September 11th. Oh. And air traffic shuts down.
53:02 Dax Shepard? Oh, my gosh. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Sim, sim, sim, sim.
53:06 Speaker 01 Yeah. Mom's intuition. That's why you can't say what's one more day. So I started my freshman year of college in a neck brace, my left arm in a sling, a leg brace and a wheelchair. I broke.
53:19 Speaker 07 C seven and T one at the spinous process. My third and fourth left rib, my left clavicle. Both my lungs burst. My kidney and spleen bled out. Major trauma to my left thigh. It's still numb to this day. Major trauma to my right knee. Lots of broken teeth, fractures in my feet. I was told I would never ski again. I walked at six weeks. I skied at Christmas.
53:43 Speaker 01 Wow, that's amazing. And are you a judge?
53:47 Dax Shepard? It's like you got hit by a train.
53:50 Speaker 07 Just about. I'm not a judge. Random life events led me into social work and I am a therapist. I specialize in religious trauma.
54:00 Speaker 01 Oh, wow. My goodness. Buried alive.
54:05 Dax Shepard? That's the worst. I'm gonna have a nightmare tonight.
54:09 Speaker 01 Yeah.
54:10 Dax Shepard? You can count on it. Has the rest of the life been a joke? Like, well, I've already been through the worst. I got that out of the way.
54:17 Speaker 07 Honestly, it's interesting. I've never had any nightmares. There's been no PTSD about that. It's my story. I wouldn't change it.
54:26 Speaker 01 What a story.
54:26 Dax Shepard? What a story. Well, that delivered. Thank you so much.
54:31 Speaker 07 You're very welcome. So I know as a therapist, both of you, thank you for all the work you guys do with mental health and Dax for being a vulnerable white man. That's really important to everyone.
54:43 Dax Shepard? Thank you.
54:45 Speaker 01 Thank you.
54:45 Dax Shepard? Thank you so much. Great meeting you. Take care.
54:49 Speaker 07 Bye.
54:50 Dax Shepard? I'm starting to agree with you. I was against you and now I don't ever want to leave the safety of my bedroom.
54:55 Speaker 01 Yep. These were scary.
54:58 Dax Shepard? Yeah, they should have been called Scary Cod. Twubble, twubble, twubble.
55:03 Speaker 01 Well, you know, life is.
55:07 Dax Shepard? Life is a box of chocolates, as F. Gump said. I'm glad you're safe. I have a lot of gratitude for our safety.
55:14 Speaker 01 Me too.
55:15 Dax Shepard? Lungs burst? How do your lungs burst and you carry on?
55:20 Speaker 01 Anyone listening, just knock on wood right about now.
55:22 Dax Shepard? Give it a good knock, knock.
55:24 Speaker 01 And we'll see you next week.
55:26 Dax Shepard? All right, love you.
55:26 Speaker 01 Love you.
55:29 Dax Shepard? Do you wanna sing a tune or something? We need a theme song. Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fire, rhyme dish. On the fire, rhyme dish. Enjoy.
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