Pod Insights Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard Armchair Anonymous: Little League/Coaching About this episode Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us a crazy little league/coaching incident.
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Transcript 10,974 words · 8 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Dax Shepard? Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Rather and I'm joined by Miniature Mouse.
0:07 Speaker 01 Here I am.
0:08 Dax Shepard? Hi there.
0:09 Speaker 01 Hi.
0:10 Dax Shepard? How you doing?
0:11 Speaker 01 Pretty good.
0:11 Dax Shepard? Pretty good.
0:12 Speaker 01 Yeah, I'm in the holiday spirit.
0:14 Dax Shepard? Did this prompt make you wish you had played Little League baseball?
0:19 Speaker 01 No.
0:20 Dax Shepard? No, me neither. I went to a ton of Little League games because I supported Aaron. I'd go to all his games.
0:26 Speaker 01 Oh, that's cute. I do love going to a Little League game or to a high school game.
0:33 Dax Shepard? Yes.
0:34 Speaker 01 Something very nostalgic about that.
0:35 Dax Shepard? I'm about to enter that.
0:37 Speaker 01 Phase.
0:38 Dax Shepard? Yeah, where Lincoln goes to a school that has sports and I get emails inviting to sports. She's not even on, but you know, should we go support? The school and I very much want to. I think that sounds really fun.
0:49 Speaker 01 That's so fun. I want to go.
0:51 Dax Shepard? Yeah, you can come. They need support.
0:53 Speaker 01 Critique the cheerleaders.
0:55 Dax Shepard? I don't even know that there's cheerleaders.
0:57 Speaker 01 That's sexist.
1:01 Speaker 01 Okay, instead I will start a cheerleading squad.
1:04 Dax Shepard? Okay. I don't even know if there is. I'm just, if ever there wasn't going to be one at an all-girls school, I feel like maybe that would be the place.
1:11 Speaker 01 They should still have cheerleaders. Cheerleaders are their own thing.
1:14 Dax Shepard? Let's just get clarification for you. You like competitive cheer.
1:18 Speaker 01 No, I hated sideline cheer.
1:19 Dax Shepard? Okay, so you're not, you don't really want Gail's.
1:23 Speaker 01 No, but they can do competition.
1:25 Dax Shepard? Okay, but just it wouldn't be a part of the sports game I'm going to see, right?
1:28 Speaker 01 No, it is. It's the same squad. So for us, anyway, our competition squad cheered varsity football.
1:36 Dax Shepard? But you didn't? You did?
1:37 Speaker 01 Yeah, we did. We had to.
1:38 Dax Shepard? But you didn't like that part?
1:39 Speaker 01 No, I didn't. It felt annoying. I like the vibe of the games and the ambiance, but I wasn't really into sideline cheering very much. But we did use it as like we practiced stunts and anyway, it was part of it. It was part of it.
1:54 Dax Shepard? Now, what I liked, and I know you guys didn't have this, but we had pom-pom.
1:58 Speaker 01 Sure.
1:58 Dax Shepard? And they came out at halftime. They weren't there on the sidelines bouncing around during the game, but halftime came and they put on a full dance routine.
2:07 Speaker 01 Yes.
2:07 Dax Shepard? And that was, Sassy Feld was one of the premier members of that team.
2:12 Speaker 01 Yeah, JV, we did that. So when I was in JV or freshman football, we did have a halftime dance.
2:21 Dax Shepard? You did, and you liked that.
2:23 Speaker 01 Yeah, but it was nerve wracking, but yeah.
2:24 Dax Shepard? Okay. All right. Well, this is about little league coaching disasters and we have four of them coming your way. All of them are pretty PG. You might want to skip it because there's really nothing to see.
2:34 Speaker 01 No, don't say that.
2:35 Dax Shepard? Okay, now we, okay. I like the idea that you shouldn't listen no matter what.
2:40 Speaker 01 This one, okay. Yeah, but I'm scared of that one a little bit. Oh my gosh, hold on.
2:45 Dax Shepard? Okay.
2:46 Speaker 01 Uh, when I was at Sephora the other day, I ran into a very fashionable armcherry and her son and her son listens.
2:53 Dax Shepard? How old was he?
2:54 Speaker 01 I didn't ask, but my guess is 13.
2:57 Dax Shepard? Oh.
2:58 Speaker 01 And it was so sweet.
2:59 Dax Shepard? Yeah, I like that.
3:00 Speaker 01 I hope he enjoys this episode.
3:02 Dax Shepard? Yeah, he might get some PTSD. Maybe he's been in one of these situations.
3:06 Speaker 01 Then I hope he doesn't listen.
3:07 Dax Shepard? Okay. Did you call him Tiger?
3:09 Speaker 01 Champ.
3:09 Dax Shepard? Champ. Okay. Please enjoy little league coaching disaster crazy stories. We get support from Quince.
3:17 Speaker 01 Okay. Can we talk about the fact that the holidays are already here? It's crazy. I feel like I blinked and now we're in gifting season, which I'm not really mad about because I do love giving gifts. And Quince is making it so easy to find something great for everyone on my list, including myself. Because let's be honest, self gifting is a love language.
3:37 Dax Shepard? Quince is seriously the gift that keeps on giving. Their high quality staples are made with premium materials like a hundred percent Mongolian cashmere, 14 karat gold and Italian leather, full on luxury quality at prices that won't wreck your holiday budget.
3:53 Speaker 01 It's the dream. The cashmere sweater is starting at $60, down jackets, wool outerwear, cashmere accessories. You and everyone on your list are staying cozy and looking incredible all season long.
4:04 Dax Shepard? Well, I'm going to tell you this, it just got chilly for the first time this year in California and I'm so excited and I'm wearing my Quince cashmere right now.
4:11 Speaker 01 It's great.
4:12 Dax Shepard? Yeah. And I am going to gift this to some of my friends. I hope they're not listening.
4:16 Speaker 01 Quince is also more than clothing. They've got fine jewelry for your significant other, leather bags for your bestie, hotel quality bedding to set up your guest rooms, chef grade cookware. That's an amazing thing they offer here. And it's such a good gift because people don't like buying cookware for themselves, but it's. Very important. And they also have five star luggage, another good gift that people don't like buying for themselves.
4:38 Dax Shepard? Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. We get support from our sponsor Lilly. For adults with obesity or with excess weight and weight related medical problems, it's time to find out about Foundo or for Glee Ron. Foundo is a once daily prescription GLP one medicine used with a reduced calorie diet and increased physical activity to help adults with obesity or some adults with overweight
5:20 Dax Shepard? who also have weight related medical problems to lose excess body weight and keep the weight off.
5:25 Speaker 02 Foundo should not be used with other GLP one receptor agonist medicines. It is not known if Foundo is safe and effective for use in children. Don't take Foundo if you're allergic to it, or if you or someone in your family had majorary thyroid cancer or multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type two. Stop and call your doctor right away if you have an allergic reaction, a lump or swelling in your neck, or severe stomach pain. Serious side effects may include inflamed pancreas and gallbladder problems. Tell your doctor if you experience vision changes. If you're nursing, pregnant, plant to be or taking birth control pills, and before scheduled procedures with anesthesia. Taking Foundo with an insulin or self only luria may cause low blood sugar. Side effects include diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting, which can cause dehydration and may cause kidney problems. Once daily Foundo is available by
6:06 Speaker 02 prescription only in 0.8 milligram, 2.5 milligram, 5.5 milligram, 9 milligram, 14.5 milligram, and 17.2 milligram tablets. Learn more at foundo.lilly.com or call 1-800-LILY-RX. Now is perfect to talk to your doctor about Foundo.
6:43 Speaker 01 Hello.
6:44 Dax Shepard? Hi there. Oh, wow. Immediate connection.
6:47 Speaker 01 We love that. That's very rare.
6:48 Dax Shepard? Almost never happens.
6:49 Speaker 03 Hey, I do what I can to help you out.
6:51 Dax Shepard? And you sound phenomenal. Are you a podcaster?
6:55 Speaker 03 I have to do a little bit of. Podcasting for my job, but yeah, they hooked us up with some sweet gear.
6:59 Dax Shepard? Yeah, you sound phenomenal. Maybe even better than us.
7:02 Speaker 01 I know. I'm jealous of your mic.
7:04 Dax Shepard? Are you recording?
7:05 Speaker 03 I am recording. We're set.
7:07 Dax Shepard? Matt, you're on top of it. Are you an overachiever?
7:10 Speaker 03 Sometimes. My wife would tell you, I need to slow down.
7:14 Speaker 01 Oh, that's good. You sound like one of us.
7:16 Dax Shepard? Where are you at?
7:17 Speaker 03 I am in the western suburbs of Minneapolis, Minnesota.
7:21 Dax Shepard? Oh, we love Minneapolis.
7:23 Speaker 01 Nice guys.
7:24 Dax Shepard? Yeah, good guys.
7:25 Speaker 03 Oh, and this story is all about Minnesota nice. Let me tell you.
7:28 Dax Shepard? Oh, wonderful. Tell us, set the scene.
7:31 Speaker 03 It's pretty raw because it just happened. It happened in June. It takes place at my daughter's eight and under machine pitch, fast pitch softball game.
7:42 Speaker 01 Oh, what's a machine pitch?
7:43 Speaker 03 In Minnesota, we use this funky blue spring loaded arm and you'll put the ball in and you pull this little lever and shoots the ball in at about 35 miles an hour.
7:55 Dax Shepard? It's mechanical. Yeah, it's not automated. So you still have to load it. A person has to pull it.
8:00 Speaker 03 Yep. And there's a little bit of skill to it. You know, we have a couple of coaches who put on like a little tutorial and they teach you how to do it. And the ball go every, if you put the ball in wrong or it's wet, next thing you know, you're putting it into the girl's ear.
8:10 Speaker 01 Oh, boy.
8:12 Dax Shepard? And can there be a strike or does it always throw a perfect ball?
8:15 Speaker 03 Oh God, no, it is terrible sometimes. It just really depends about the user. There's a spring. So if the spring goes bad, if there's a wind, I feel like it's bad. The point of me saying it's machine pitch though, is like, this is entry level softball. Nobody's getting the full ride tomorrow. We're learning how to throw the ball, catch the ball, where to throw the ball, all those pieces.
8:35 Dax Shepard? Last question, is it coed or just girls only?
8:38 Speaker 03 Girls only. This is girls, fast pitch softball. So my daughter's been playing now for a few years since she was like five. And now she's going on 10, but she'd been in machine pitch for a couple of years. And this year was unique because she wanted to try out for an A level team. So like an advanced team. When you sign your player up, you check the box to be a parent volunteer. I always do that. I loved to coach. I've been a head coach. I've been an assistant. So I always check the box and this year I got to be head coach of an A team.
9:04 Speaker 01 Oh.
9:05 Speaker 03 There's some differences. Is one, the players actually give a damn. They want to play. They love practice and they really want to win. The parents are in the same place and they may want to win a little bit more than their player sometimes. I've been very fortunate. Our parents were great people. I didn't ever really get that vibe, but some of the teams we've played. Mom and dad are living vicariously through their eight year old.
9:26 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
9:27 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
9:27 Speaker 03 So it's a Saturday morning. We're an A team playing in the top tier of the Minnesota State Tournament.
9:34 Dax Shepard? Oh, wow. You made it to the state tournament.
9:36 Speaker 03 And when you play at you, everybody makes it to the state tournament.
9:39 Dax Shepard? Okay.
9:39 Speaker 03 But we're in the tier one, which was shocking to me because I wouldn't say we won a lot of games.
9:45 Dax Shepard? All right.
9:46 Speaker 03 Everybody gets ranked and they have some weird algorithm and I don't really understand it, but they're going to rank these eight year old girls. And we're like the 15th seed out of 20 in tier one. And if you follow March Madness in a bracket, you know, the bottom seeds are going to play the top seeds. So we're going to play a team that has won more than they've lost. In fact, I don't know if they had lost more than like three or four games.
10:05 Dax Shepard? Well, I was going to say, given the fact you made the top tier with a losing record, tells me that there are a handful of teams that won every fucking match and then everyone else is kind of normal.
10:15 Speaker 03 Yeah. In fact, the first team we played for the season beat us by one run. They went undefeated the rest of the year.
10:22 Speaker 01 Wow.
10:23 Speaker 03 So we get into this tournament and it's a Saturday morning. It's beautiful. We have a 9am game time. Before the game, we met with the umpire at home plate. You know, it's both coaches, a couple of players from the team. And the umpire is walking us through the rules and there's some key rules for eight U softball. You can't advance on an overthrow. Girls can't run extra bases on ground balls that are fielded in the infield. So really the game is kind of a checkers match and they go one base at a time.
10:51 Dax Shepard? Okay.
10:51 Speaker 03 Unless you've got girls who are like five, six, and they say they're eight or nine, but they might be 11 and they're hitting bombs to like left center. They walked us through that you could have a couple of coaches in the field. We had a 70 minute time limit. The kicker is the umpire who's walking us through this is holding the rulebook because she's 13 years old.
11:09 Speaker 01 No, no.
11:10 Dax Shepard? Interesting.
11:11 Speaker 03 And this is her first game.
11:14 Speaker 01 Uh oh.
11:14 Dax Shepard? That's a lot of pressure.
11:16 Speaker 01 I know what.
11:17 Dax Shepard? She's on the umpire track.
11:19 Speaker 03 Welcome to the Thunderdome. Holy shit. Here you go. Good luck. So we get into it. I'll just fast forward to the fourth inning. We're winning seven to nothing. We had a girl backhand a ball and throw it from third base to first on a line. And she had never done that in her life.
11:34 Dax Shepard? Wow.
11:35 Speaker 03 We were on fire. So there's some run limits too. In AU, you can only score five runs an inning. When you get into the fourth inning of a five inning game, you start doing some math and you're like, oh, if we score four runs, this game's over. So I tell our coaches and our coaches are like, great, here we go. And we went out and just wet the bed and we went one, two, three. We get through four innings, it's seven to three. We go in to the fifth inning. We have now run out of time. All the other games are letting out and the teams that are playing next on our field are warming up in the outfield and all their fans are coming in. So we have a crowd and it's getting heated.
12:12 Speaker 03 And as they start to score, things start coming out of their mouths like they don't deserve to win.
12:16 Speaker 01 Oh geez.
12:17 Speaker 03 Typically you hear them coach each other's kids up, but now they're coming at my players. So all of a sudden it's seven to six. There's two outs and the bases are low in the bottom of the last inning. We have an audience. This girl comes up and hits a BB at my third baseman, who thankfully was probably our best player on the team. She was a stud and she misplayed it and it bounces off of her knee. She feels it. She gets to third base, steps on the bag, beats the girl, and I'm thinking game's over. And the umpire, 13 year old girl, calls her safe.
12:50 Dax Shepard? Uh oh. Wait, was she just at a disadvantaged viewing spot?
12:54 Speaker 03 I'll get to it here in just a second. My wife would tell you, I jumped about 14 feet in the air and yelled no at the top of my lungs. I did not argue with the umpire. She's 13. They're going to miss the call. And we didn't have umpires all season. Mostly coaches called the games because it's beginner softball. So who gives a fuck?
13:12 Dax Shepard? Yeah, sure. Also though, Minnesota honor policy works probably in Minnesota. Not everywhere.
13:17 Speaker 03 Nobody lies here, right?
13:20 Speaker 03 I start running to third base because I gotta check on this girl. Both of my coaches on the field now huddle the girls up because based on what has happened, the game's tied seven to seven and they can win it with one more run because they can score five in an inning and that'll be their fifth. I have another coach who asks the umpire, can you just clarify what you saw? And the umpire said, oh yeah, your third baseman beat her to the bag, but she had to tag her. And our manager, coach goes, why? It was bases loaded and the umpire like has this aha moment and she goes, you are a hundred percent right. And she announces very loudly, coaches, I'm reversing my call. The runner's out. I'm like, it's a force out. The game is over. And she goes, you're right, coaches, line them up. Game's over.
14:02 Dax Shepard? Oh no, this poor.
14:05 Speaker 03 This poor 13 year old girl. So now she's changed the call.
14:07 Dax Shepard? No, no, when you get a third person out, you automatically get five runs. We won by six points. You're right.
14:15 Speaker 03 And I'm like, great, line it up. And the fans in the other stands have gone ape.
14:21 Dax Shepard? Oh wow.
14:22 Speaker 03 And they are screaming at the 13 year old girl, like they are letting her happen.
14:26 Speaker 01 Oh no.
14:27 Speaker 03 How dare you? You can't do that. You're not allowed to change calls. You're such a bitch. They're calling her names. They're like, how the fuck could you do this to us? They are lighting her up. The parents are screaming at our girls. They're now also telling the girls, don't line up, shake their hands.
14:44 Speaker 01 Oh my god.
14:46 Speaker 03 These girls are cheaters, they're liars, they don't deserve it. Our girls are hearing this and the tears start rolling.
14:52 Dax Shepard? Oh no.
14:54 Speaker 03 This guy comes screaming through our dugout, making a straight line for the umpire. He's charging at the 13 year old girl.
15:02 Speaker 01 What the fuck?
15:03 Speaker 03 What the fuck?
15:04 Dax Shepard? People lose themselves.
15:06 Speaker 03 One of our coaches sees this and he steps in immediately. And this guy's like 6'2", 220.
15:11 Dax Shepard? Okay.
15:11 Speaker 03 And the guy's onto the field yelling, fuck you, you bitch. I have words for you. You fucking ruined our season. He's going off on her, right? My coach gets in between him and her at about the first base bag. Our girls are sobbing and my other coaches are now like, put their heads together and like bear hug them and they're like, giving them positive love and affirmation. You know, they're like, you're great, you're beautiful, gosh darn it, people like, you know. Meanwhile, I'm listening to this assistant coach who's like my brother. I'm listening to his voice go up and up and louder. And I'm like, this is getting bad. And I look and this guy's like poking him in the chest.
15:52 Dax Shepard? The angry dad's poking your buddy.
15:53 Speaker 03 Yep, except he's not a dad. We didn't know that yet. And he shoves my assistant coach.
15:59 Dax Shepard? Oh.
15:59 Speaker 03 And I watched like the slow motion of his arms cocking back to like light this guy up. And I go running and I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Get out of here. You need to go get our girls lined up. I've got this. And now I'm face to face with the angry citizen who wants to crush this umpire. Pretty sure I heard the C word at one point.
16:19 Dax Shepard? Wow.
16:19 Speaker 03 It was unbelievable. And I'm like hurting him off the field like he's a cow.
16:24 Dax Shepard? Uh huh.
16:25 Speaker 03 And I'm like, sir, you have to quit cussing. I need you off the field. And he's screaming at me like at an 11. So I'm talking to him at like a three. My wife hates me for it. I do it all the time.
16:34 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
16:35 Speaker 03 So I'm like talking to this guy and I think I've got him calmed down. And all of a sudden I'm like arms out. I'm ushering him off. He goes, don't you dare fucking touch me. And boom, right under my left eye.
16:46 Dax Shepard? What? He throws a punch.
16:48 Speaker 03 Throws a punch. Now I did not know I was in a boxing match.
16:52 Dax Shepard? Yeah, your, your three backfired on you. You went to three, he went to 17.
16:57 Speaker 03 He went to 17, popped me in the eye. I go tumbling backwards.
17:01 Dax Shepard? Oh my God.
17:03 Speaker 03 I've never been punched before and I would say it was a good punch. It wasn't the best punch, but he got me.
17:08 Dax Shepard? He tagged ya.
17:09 Speaker 03 He surprised the shit out of me.
17:10 Dax Shepard? Sure, sure. Been there. And it takes you a good 20 seconds before you put all the pieces together like, okay. Huh, I was standing, I'm laying down. Oh, and I heard a crack in my head. Oh, right, I've been punched. Oh, here we are. Right, you gotta kind of like catch up to what's happening.
17:24 Speaker 03 All of that. I mean, I'm on the ground. I look over, the girls are still sobbing and now they're really freaked out.
17:30 Dax Shepard? Yes, Coach Matt just got put on his ass.
17:33 Speaker 03 I know. Coach Matt is on the ground, looking around dazed and totally confused. And our fans obviously erupted and it's the state tournament. So it's aunts, uncles, grandparents, but other teams had made their way. Listening to what was going on. So now there's coaches from other teams and they're chasing this guy out. Meanwhile, I'm sitting in a pile of dirt and I look at one of our parents and I said, did that guy just fucking punch me? And she goes, yeah, he did. And I'm talking to the police right now.
18:06 Speaker 03 So 911 gets called. Now other teams players are sobbing.
18:10 Dax Shepard? Oh, boy.
18:12 Speaker 03 They've seen it. It's become like a crime right here on this field. So this guy and his girlfriend tried to flee the scene. We had parents that had to sit on the bumper of this car. Then we had to look at our players and say, okay, you just won. You have to go play again. Like, good luck. Use this energy. I mean, they were a mess. Half the girls wanted to quit. We had players from other teams that wanted to quit. And now I'm like, somebody's got to clean the dugout because I've got to go talk to the police for the next 45 minutes and press charges. Because you don't get to do this. You don't get to behave like that on the field. The worst part, I think about it too, was that the other coaches never came and checked on us. They denied knowing this guy. This was an uncle of a player.
18:55 Dax Shepard? Okay, uncles. Yeah.
18:56 Speaker 03 Uncles get serious at 8U softball. Okay, they get fucking irate. And now we're like picking up the pieces and I became a celebrity at that tournament for all the wrong reasons that day.
19:07 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's huge.
19:08 Dax Shepard? So did you guys lose the next game?
19:10 Speaker 03 You guys, I'm going to be really honest. We kicked the shit out of the next team.
19:13 Speaker 01 Nice.
19:15 Speaker 03 And then we went home for the night and then the adrenaline went away and we came back the next day and got thumped. But we finished fourth in state, which was great. I will tell you, the core memory of these girls is not fourth in state. It's Coach Matt in the dirt.
19:28 Dax Shepard? What did your daughter think of all this?
19:31 Speaker 03 So my daughter, thankfully, she had her back to me when I got hit. So she had a lot of questions about, why would someone get so mad about a little league game?
19:40 Speaker 01 There's no answer for that.
19:42 Dax Shepard? Hard to answer.
19:43 Speaker 01 Yeah.
19:43 Speaker 03 We went to Zoom traffic court, basically. He had come to terms with his mistake and pled guilty.
19:49 Dax Shepard? Oh, good.
19:50 Speaker 03 He could have gotten some jail time, I think, but they pled him out with some money, a lot of community service, anger management. I hope that sticks.
19:58 Dax Shepard? Sure. Did you? Find out if he had any priors for cold cocking strangers in public?
20:03 Speaker 03 He had never been arrested for cold cocking somebody. He'd been arrested for other things.
20:08 Dax Shepard? Okay.
20:09 Speaker 01 He almost punched that 13 year old. That was gonna happen if no one had intervened.
20:13 Speaker 03 If he had gotten to the umpire, I think that probably gets pretty ugly, right?
20:16 Speaker 01 Yeah.
20:17 Dax Shepard? Even when you call her an umpire, I lose track of it. They're like, she shouldn't even be called that, but yes.
20:22 Speaker 01 The 13 year old girl who's trying to do her best.
20:25 Dax Shepard? I'm picturing a 62 year old man on the weekend making 20 bucks.
20:29 Speaker 03 It's not like she was even out there in like ump gear. She was out there in shorts and a t-shirt. This was like her warmup. Like, do I want to go be an umpire and get paid on the weekends when I'm not playing competitive travel softball myself? And next day she showed back up. Like she was there. Now, her mom came with her the next day and I think I probably would have too.
20:48 Dax Shepard? Oh boy. Madness. That's crazy.
20:51 Speaker 01 Devolved.
20:52 Dax Shepard? We have a friend who's almost permanently at a little league game. He's got two boys. Two weeks can't go by without him reporting on some dad who goes berserk. It's crazy to me that people don't enter going like, okay, we know the bad thing. I can't be that dude. It's not like we don't know about this archetype.
21:08 Speaker 03 What's fascinating to me is I played competitive sports growing up forever. So I've been in this for 35 years. I've never seen that. I've seen some crazy. I've seen guys throw buckets of balls on the field and I've seen guys get thrown out for arguing balls and strikes and dropping F bombs and saying inappropriate things to umpires. But I've never seen someone go on to a field and chase down an umpire. That's next level crazy. And I blame participation trophies.
21:34 Speaker 03 Everybody thinks they deserve to win. It's like, come on, you gotta lose. That's part of the game.
21:38 Dax Shepard? The majority of people don't win the championship.
21:40 Speaker 01 That's right.
21:41 Dax Shepard? Yeah. Monica would know what that's like.
21:43 Speaker 01 I do majority win the championship, so I don't know, but I don't really imagine.
21:47 Dax Shepard? Loser. Yeah. Well, Matt, that was delightful. I'm sorry you got tagged, but also I'm glad I got to hear about it.
21:54 Speaker 03 Thank you for having me. I appreciate it. I'm sorry I even got tagged too. I think at the end of the day, we're glad I was the one that got hit.
21:59 Dax Shepard? And this is a very weird thing to say, but I also think it's good for a man to get blasted once in the face before they die. You know, we should all have had that experience. I mean, not really, but also I kind of feel that way.
22:09 Speaker 03 It was eye opening.
22:10 Dax Shepard? You live in fear of it your whole childhood and then it happens and you live.
22:14 Speaker 03 I just, I think was always really good at evading the right hook and this time I just was ill prepared for it.
22:19 Dax Shepard? Right. All right. Well, great meeting you. Thanks for telling us that story, Matt.
22:22 Speaker 03 Yeah. I hope you guys have a really nice holiday season.
22:24 Dax Shepard? Okay. You too, brother. Take care.
22:26 Speaker 03 Bye bye.
22:28 Speaker 01 You missed my really good joke. Luckily, Rob heard it.
22:30 Dax Shepard? I know. I looked over and you guys were giggling to each other.
22:32 Speaker 01 Yeah, cuz he said it was eye opening and I said it was eye closing.
22:36 Dax Shepard? That's really good.
22:37 Speaker 01 Do you wanna punch me in the face a little bit?
22:39 Dax Shepard? Never.
22:40 Speaker 01 I kinda do wanna know what it feels like.
22:42 Dax Shepard? Right. That's what I'm saying. It's like, I can only speak as being a boy. You're seeing your buddies get punched all the time. You're so afraid of it happening. And then it happens and you're like, that's okay.
22:49 Speaker 01 Yeah, except you wouldn't say that about a car crash.
22:51 Dax Shepard? I might.
22:52 Speaker 01 No.
22:53 Dax Shepard? Okay.
22:53 Speaker 01 If you can go through life without getting in a car crash, that's best case scenario.
22:57 Dax Shepard? Well, yeah, maybe that's.
22:58 Speaker 01 Do you wanna try to punch my leg so that could be kinda like it?
23:01 Dax Shepard? I don't wanna punch you at all.
23:02 Speaker 01 Rob, do you wanna punch my leg and see what it's like? Have you ever punched anyone?
23:09 Dax Shepard? Just Vinnie. When I was a kid, probably. Can you imagine if someone punched Vinnie?
23:14 Speaker 01 No, that's what I'm saying. You don't want Vinnie to get punched in his life. I don't.
23:18 Dax Shepard? Well, only if he was afraid of it and he lived in great fear of it and then it happened. He was like, okay, I don't need to worry that much about that. It's not a big deal. Only in that scenario.
23:26 Speaker 01 It's very, very.
23:27 Dax Shepard? It's very specific. Set of guidelines I want Vinnie to get punched under.
23:31 Speaker 01 To the arm trees who heard that, don't take this as an invite if you see me on the street to punch me, okay?
23:47 Dax Shepard? We get support from No Bull. The holidays can get hectic. You finally hit a post-summer routine and suddenly you're on hosting duty every week.
23:57 Speaker 01 That's when you really need to ground yourself.
23:59 Dax Shepard? Exactly. And that's why I keep my training routine through the holidays. It's the whole No Bull idea. There's a no bullshit training brand built around consistency, honesty, and just putting in the work. It's not about adding more pressure to an already packed schedule. It's about having the gear and the habits to move through the season your way. My personal favorite, all three of the shoes are fantastic. The Outwork, the Outwork Flex, and the Drive Two. I like the Drive Two because it's a hybrid. And I lift, of course, but I also like to do what's called box jumps.
24:29 Speaker 01 Ah.
24:30 Dax Shepard? Right? I do a lot of jumping onto a little platform and I want a little more flexibility. And boy, do they deliver.
24:36 Speaker 01 And if you're a cardio. Person and you're running and you also need to be lifting.
24:40 Dax Shepard? And the style is banging. I don't know what to say. Beautiful style, very breathable, very, very comfortable. Lots of support. They were built for lifting.
24:48 Speaker 01 They also make a great holiday gift. You know, I love gifting, a purposeful one that actually supports someone's goals and routines. And it's not a gift that just ends up in the back of the closet.
24:57 Dax Shepard? Stay stronger than the season. Head to nobolproject.com all holiday season to shop new deals every week. This episode is supported by Helix.
25:09 Speaker 01 Okay. Can we talk about how November is basically survival mode between the holidays, the travel, the hosting, the cooking, the everything? Sleep is the one thing keeping me from completely unraveling.
25:19 Dax Shepard? It really is the foundation and I think people underestimate how much a bad mattress is quietly ruining their day. You wake up stiff, your back's angry, you're already behind before your feet hit the floor.
25:30 Speaker 01 That was me before Helix. I took their sleep quiz, which is so fast. It's taking like two minutes. And they matched me to a mattress that actually fits how I sleep, not a guess, not a firm or soft coin flip. It's a real match. I have a midnight mattress and I really like it. I was noticing it because I actually had to sleep in one of my other beds.
25:47 Dax Shepard? Okay.
25:48 Speaker 01 Recently.
25:48 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
25:49 Speaker 01 That doesn't have a Helix mattress on it. And I really could tell a big difference in my sleep.
25:53 Dax Shepard? Temperature was all over the map.
25:54 Speaker 01 It was a mess. I need a new one.
25:56 Dax Shepard? Look, they've got over 20 mattress models. So whether you sleep hot, need extra back support, or you've got a partner who moves around all night. There's one built for you. Plus free shipping and a 365 night happy with Helix guarantee. That's a full year to decide.
26:11 Speaker 01 Helix has been named the most awarded mattress by Forbes, Wired and more. So it's not just us being enthusiastic. The experts agree.
26:17 Dax Shepard? Right now, Helix is running their Black Friday sale with up to 30% off. Go to helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. That's helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. Helixsleep.com/armchair.
26:43 Speaker 01 Hello.
26:44 Dax Shepard? Megan, is it?
26:45 Speaker 04 Yes, Megan.
26:46 Dax Shepard? Nice to meet you. Where are you?
26:47 Speaker 04 I'm in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.
26:49 Speaker 01 Ooh.
26:49 Dax Shepard? Oh, okay.
26:51 Speaker 01 Okay.
26:52 Dax Shepard? Okay, yes. Monica's on a pun kick right now. This is like the third in a row. I swear, we had very little Oklahomans, and now we've had like three in a row, yeah.
27:01 Speaker 01 It's spreading there.
27:02 Speaker 04 I've been proselytizing you guys to everyone I know.
27:05 Dax Shepard? Thank you. So are you the parent of a little leaguer?
27:09 Speaker 04 Not yet. I have a five-year-old son. He's about to start playing basketball.
27:12 Dax Shepard? But you have a little league story.
27:13 Speaker 04 This is my story, yes.
27:14 Speaker 01 Oh, yay!
27:15 Dax Shepard? Wonderful. It's a personal story. First of all, can I see your T-shirt?
27:19 Speaker 04 Yes, it's you.
27:21 Dax Shepard? Oh, my God!
27:22 Speaker 01 What?
27:23 Dax Shepard? I've never seen that. That's incredible.
27:25 Speaker 04 It's from Etsy, so it's not off your website.
27:28 Dax Shepard? We encourage people to make as much shit as they want. We're not litigious.
27:31 Speaker 01 Oh, absolutely.
27:32 Dax Shepard? Yeah, go crazy.
27:33 Speaker 01 But we are gonna have a new merch drop coming soon for anyone who wants more merch.
27:37 Speaker 04 I was wondering about that, so that's awesome. I'll be on the lookout.
27:40 Dax Shepard? All right, so yeah, hit us with little league.
27:42 Speaker 04 So, this story takes place in 1994, small town Oklahoma. I was nine years old. My brother, he's five years older than me, so he had been playing little league for several years before I got to the age where I was ready to start playing. I loved every part of being at his games, and my dad was always his coach, so my parents just kind of thought, well, we'll throw in little league with the boys versus softball. I was all for that, so I was a decent player. I was pitcher for my teams most of the time.
28:09 Dax Shepard? Oh, wow.
28:10 Speaker 04 I didn't throw super hard, but I was really accurate and consistent. But because I was pretty good, I hadn't really had a whole lot of boys teasing me about being a girl on the team or anything like that yet. But one day, we were about to play a game, and me and my teammates were warming up, and this kid from the other team comes over, and he says something to the effect of, "You guys have a girl on your team? We're gonna kill you guys." Like, girls suck at sports, basically, is what he was saying.
28:35 Dax Shepard? Mm-hmm, yeah. Standard fair.
28:37 Speaker 04 Exactly.
28:37 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah.
28:38 Speaker 04 I was pretty pissed, and my dad, he was an assistant coach on this team, and he saw that I was pretty upset. He asked me what the kid said, and I told him, and he said, "Well, what do you think you're gonna do?" And I said, "Well, I'll just strike him out every time he comes up."
28:51 Speaker 01 Yep, that's right.
28:52 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:53 Speaker 04 My dad said, "Well, I think he needs to learn a lesson."
28:55 Dax Shepard? I had a hunch maybe dad might say, "Why don't you beam him?" But continue.
28:58 Speaker 01 These are two approaches.
29:00 Speaker 04 Two good options. So I'm pitching that game and this kid comes up in like the third inning, which tells you that he sucks.
29:08 Speaker 01 Yeah. Oh, I hate this kid.
29:11 Dax Shepard? And then maybe you could even be compassionate.
29:12 Speaker 01 No.
29:13 Dax Shepard? He sucks. Now he's insecure. So he's gotta make other people feel bad.
29:16 Speaker 01 I don't.
29:17 Dax Shepard? Okay, alright.
29:18 Speaker 04 I didn't feel bad for him. It pissed me off even more because he thought he was automatically better than me.
29:21 Speaker 01 Exactly.
29:22 Speaker 04 Because I was a girl. So anyways, third inning, kid comes up and I start pitching to him. I pitch the first pitch, straight down the middle. Kid swings and misses. Second pitch, same thing. I throw it right down the middle. He swings and misses. So I've got two strikes on him, no balls. Right before I throw the third pitch, I look over at my dad and he's just got this look on his face. He nods his head up and down like, yeah, you know what to do.
29:46 Speaker 01 I love your dad.
29:47 Dax Shepard? This is uncharacteristic of you, Monica. You're voting for violence. This is not like you.
29:51 Speaker 04 Right? Yeah, you never go for violence.
29:54 Dax Shepard? This is my role.
29:55 Speaker 01 This little shit deserves it.
29:57 Speaker 04 Third pitch, I throw it as hard as I possibly can, right at this kid's body. I didn't throw it at his head. I wasn't trying to kill him.
30:05 Speaker 01 That was nice of you.
30:05 Dax Shepard? Monica's upset, but continue.
30:07 Speaker 01 You could have, but you showed some mercy.
30:10 Speaker 04 The kid panics when he sees the ball coming at him. And instead of turning away from it, he opens his body to it and it just lands right in the middle of his chest. Everyone could hear the thud. And he immediately falls to the ground, throws his bat, and he just starts bawling.
30:26 Dax Shepard? Okay, so now did it turn, Monica? Are you still in?
30:29 Speaker 01 I'm still kinda in.
30:32 Speaker 01 I mean, he's definitely an incel right now. That I do know is what the product of this was.
30:38 Speaker 04 The umpire was finally like, hey, you can take your base to first base. And about that time, his mom had come down out of the stands, out onto the field and took the kid out of the game and they left completely.
30:49 Speaker 01 The country?
30:50 Speaker 04 Maybe. Amongst all of that drama, I looked up in the stands to my mom and she was pissed off, like I could tell.
30:57 Dax Shepard? At you or your dad?
30:59 Speaker 04 Well, she knew I had done it on purpose. She had a hunch that he was behind the whole thing.
31:05 Speaker 04 So later that night, we got a pretty good lecture about how terrible the lesson that is for a nine-year-old. Fair. But I felt vindicated. I loved every second of it.
31:15 Dax Shepard? Oh, good, good, good, good.
31:17 Speaker 04 Yeah.
31:17 Dax Shepard? I hope that's the last time he opened his mouth to a girl, but I'm afraid it maybe got worse.
31:21 Speaker 01 I'm afraid too.
31:23 Dax Shepard? I know love's the answer, Monica. It's hard.
31:25 Speaker 01 Tell him love is the answer. He sucks.
31:29 Speaker 04 Well, the funniest part of the story is years later, I ended up having a one night stand with this guy.
31:34 Dax Shepard? No.
31:35 Speaker 01 Stop it. Stop it.
31:36 Dax Shepard? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You gotta give us a little more than that. Under what circumstance?
31:43 Dax Shepard? I gotta love this left turn.
31:45 Speaker 01 Did you give him blue balls? Was this like a long game?
31:47 Speaker 04 I ended up going to high school with him and when this all happened, I didn't make the connection at this time. I didn't realize it was the same kid until later on. And I don't know if he made the connection either. Obviously he wasn't too bad hurt about it.
31:59 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
31:59 Speaker 04 Let's just say he was about as good in bed as he was at playing baseball.
32:03 Speaker 01 Oh, this piece of shit.
32:05 Dax Shepard? I mean, the bar is fucking low.
32:07 Speaker 01 No, he sucks. He sucks. We knew it then and we know it now.
32:11 Speaker 04 That's right.
32:13 Speaker 01 Oh, wow.
32:14 Dax Shepard? I love that you hooked up with him. That's crazy.
32:17 Speaker 04 What would you do in that situation, Dax, if a kid said something when you're a girl's?
32:21 Dax Shepard? It's really funny you would bring this up because I didn't foresee this would ever be a thing that I would have to deal with having girls, but I'll leave them for you to guess. But one of them has a classmate that keeps touching her inappropriately and she has told her like very directly, do not touch me. Again, I'm gonna be a little sympathetic. This girl's probably got something going on. I don't know why she is this way.
32:41 Speaker 01 Oh, it's a girl doing it?
32:42 Dax Shepard? I hate to, I have to assume something's not great at home.
32:46 Speaker 01 Yeah.
32:47 Dax Shepard? And they're young and I said, okay, well, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna make the teacher aware of this and that is step one. And if it does not correct itself, you have my full blessing to do whatever you want. If someone's ever touching you inappropriately, whatever has to happen, I stand by you in this situation. So weirdly that just came up.
33:07 Speaker 01 I approve of that.
33:08 Dax Shepard? Okay, TBD.
33:09 Speaker 01 Teacher first, you know, you do all the protocols. Hopefully that will work.
33:14 Dax Shepard? But you don't let someone touch your body if you don't want them to.
33:15 Speaker 01 No, you don't.
33:16 Dax Shepard? Again, it breaks my heart because I think this girl's probably already got some stuff going on. So I don't also want her to get beat up, but I've seen Delta go after her older sister and, uh, I mean, that's.
33:25 Speaker 01 It's obvious.
33:26 Dax Shepard? Yeah, it's kinda obvious. I've seen Delta go after her older sister and I have had the thought, I hope no one ends up on the other end of her because she is a feisty motherfucker.
33:35 Speaker 04 I love it.
33:36 Speaker 01 It's good quality.
33:38 Dax Shepard? Oh, Megan, what a story.
33:40 Speaker 01 Yeah, that was fantastic. I love that story.
33:43 Dax Shepard? Mine gets horny.
33:44 Speaker 04 I want to say something real quick before I go. I know you don't like talking about day seven, but May of 2022, I was in a gnarly relapse. And one day I had a particularly bad night and the next day I was home alone and decided to listen to day seven again. And when you started talking about how it just hit you all of a sudden that you needed to get honest with Kristen and Monica, that sat with me and it was just like, oh my God, I have to get honest with my wife and everyone. And so later that night I told her everything I'd been hiding and a week later I got into treatment and I've been sober ever since.
34:18 Speaker 01 Oh, my God. Congratulations. That's so beautiful.
34:22 Dax Shepard? Yes, yes.
34:23 Speaker 01 Oh, you're killing it.
34:25 Dax Shepard? How liberating is that, huh? To finally stop carrying all that?
34:28 Speaker 04 It's great. In fact, we're going through some tough stuff with my son right now and I'm like, thank God I'm sober, man. It would be way worse.
34:35 Dax Shepard? That's the big gift, right? You can show up for people.
34:37 Speaker 04 That's right.
34:37 Dax Shepard? Thanks for telling me that.
34:38 Speaker 04 Yes, of course. You guys take care.
34:40 Dax Shepard? You two keep proselytizing.
34:42 Speaker 04 Okay, I will.
34:42 Dax Shepard? All right.
34:43 Speaker 01 Bye.
34:44 Speaker 04 Bye.
34:45 Speaker 01 She's awesome.
34:46 Dax Shepard? Yeah, I love her.
34:47 Speaker 01 I hate that boy.
34:48 Dax Shepard? Yeah, you really hate that boy.
34:49 Speaker 01 Was it you?
34:50 Dax Shepard? Really brought up some stuff. No, I didn't talk to girls like that. I was a nice boy-ish.
34:55 Speaker 01 You talk to me mean.
34:56 Dax Shepard? You talk to me mean.
34:57 Speaker 01 I know.
34:58 Dax Shepard? You're a worthy adversary.
35:01 Dax Shepard? Now, you know, I say I don't like when people spell standard names differently. I'm really enjoying the spelling of this.
35:07 Speaker 01 What is it?
35:07 Dax Shepard? M A D I.
35:08 Speaker 01 Oh, I like that.
35:09 Dax Shepard? Right? That's good. I reversed my position. Reverse back. Hello?
35:14 Speaker 05 Hi.
35:15 Dax Shepard? I was just saying, Maddie, I generally don't like when people spell a standard name differently, yet here I am. I love M A D I.
35:23 Speaker 05 Thanks. My name's Madison and so when I was little and people called me Maddie, I just cut off the S O N.
35:28 Dax Shepard? Ditch the sun.
35:29 Speaker 01 Smart, efficient.
35:30 Dax Shepard? Okay, Maddie, you have a little league story?
35:32 Speaker 05 I do. For context, I grew up in Northern Virginia, which is kind of intense with sports, kind of intense. With academics.
35:38 Dax Shepard? Really quick, why? Is that where George Washington is? What's there? Why is it academically hard?
35:43 Speaker 05 It might just be because it's outside of DC, but I know that it's like nationally ranked.
35:47 Speaker 01 Wow.
35:47 Dax Shepard? Okay.
35:48 Speaker 05 And I did crew, I rode for my high school and we had to practice five days a week. We had races on Saturdays and it was a whole day affair. Also, we were required to go to this training camp every spring break. And it was in South Carolina. Our whole team would get in a bus and we would drive eight or nine hours down to South Carolina to go to this crew camp and we would practice and train for six to eight hours every day for a whole week. It was fun. It was a cool destination. It was a boy scout camp, so the place itself was maybe a little bit rundown, but it was fun for high school. We were having a great time. We were a little sleep deprived. It was all together. Good experience. And we were down there and I've got two kind of related stories to share from the same trip.
36:33 Speaker 05 Also, our coach was probably as old as I am now. I'm like 27. I don't think this guy could have been older than I am.
36:41 Speaker 01 Oh, oh.
36:42 Dax Shepard? Well, hold on. Don't worry yet. Don't worry.
36:44 Speaker 01 Okay.
36:44 Speaker 05 He was in the military and then wasn't anymore. I think he had some sort of experience with crew and he took himself very seriously. But we as a team maybe didn't take him as seriously as he would have maybe liked to.
36:56 Dax Shepard? I can picture it perfectly.
36:58 Speaker 05 Yeah. So he had the idea that we should go on a night row, which isn't a thing. Never done it before, never done it since, but he thought we should go rowing at night by the moonlight. And as an adult now, I know that there are requirements for the kinds of lights that you need to have on a boat to go out in the water at night. You need a little light in the front and a light in the back. We didn't have that. The coach's gift did not have that. And it's kind of a silly atmosphere. It's very leisurely. It's a little whimsical. And we're out here and we're rowing and something hits the bottom of our boat.
37:29 Dax Shepard? Can I ask, are you in a lake or a river?
37:31 Speaker 05 We're in a lake and you're not supposed to keep going. If something hits your boat, you're supposed to stop because the rudder underneath can break off. So we stopped rowing and whatever it is that's just hit our boat is now sliding towards the front of our boat, but in a way of like a living creature.
37:47 Speaker 01 No.
37:48 Speaker 05 Like it's not going in the same direction as the current and we're in South Carolina, so we're sure that this is an alligator.
37:54 Speaker 01 No.
37:56 Dax Shepard? Of course.
37:57 Speaker 01 Oh, I hate your coat.
37:59 Dax Shepard? Straight to gators.
38:00 Speaker 05 So that alleged alligator then hits, like thwacks the bottom of the boat in the front.
38:07 Speaker 05 So we're spooked, it's dark and we've been messing around this whole time. So the tatter from us is not probably alerting our coach that anything's wrong. The girl in the front of the boat then starts telling everybody that there is water coming in the boat from underneath her feet.
38:22 Dax Shepard? Oh.
38:23 Speaker 05 We're trying desperately to get the attention of our coach. He comes over. It's really hard to get a little motorized boat next to the really small crew boat that we have. So he's trying to investigate and see what's going on, but he can't really see. So he just takes our word for it and he gets on his coach voice and he's like, all right, we got a power 10 all the way back to the dock. So now this goes from like leisurely funny and then we're rowing full speed all the way back to the dock.
38:48 Dax Shepard? Can I ask a quick question? Did he even bring a flashlight? Did he shine a light at the boat to see if water was coming on?
38:54 Speaker 05 He did shine a light. I can't remember if it was his phone flashlight or if it was an actual flashlight.
38:59 Dax Shepard? We know it was the phone. Oh geez, okay.
39:01 Speaker 05 So we get back, he sees that there is a hole. We can't take that boat out anymore because we have to repair it back in Virginia. So that boat is out of commission.
39:26 Speaker 05 Then we fast forward to the last day of our crew camp. We would always do like a scrimmage. On this day, it was really cold, maybe 45 or 50 degrees and it was really windy and other coaches had safety concerns about putting us out on the water because there was white caps and it was really windy. Obviously, our ex-military coach is having none of that. So he determines that we should probably go on this race, even if it's just the boats from our school. So he's like, we're going to have our own scrimmage. It's going to be great.
39:56 Dax Shepard? Oh, boy.
39:57 Speaker 05 So we're mad and it's hard to kind of row against the waves and we're generally not having a super great time. And we get like five or 10 minutes out from the dock and then he realizes that the other boat that was with us is lagging behind. So he tells us to pull our boat over into this little cove off the main waterway of the lake. And he says he's gonna go back and check on the other group. So he goes back and we're sitting there and the waves are lapping up on the boat and it's uncomfortable. It's splashing us like it's really cold. Quickly, the boat starts taking on water.
40:30 Dax Shepard? Oh.
40:30 Speaker 05 Oh, the waves are coming over the side of the boat. We start trying to bail out the boat with our water bottles, with our shoes, and by just splashing water out, that's clearly doing nothing. I don't know how much time elapsed between when he told us to pull over and when we're like waist deep in water, but I think it was five to 10 minutes.
40:51 Dax Shepard? Oh.
40:52 Speaker 05 And I'm talking like I was up to my waist. The boat was underneath the water, but we were still sitting in it.
40:58 Dax Shepard? Oh, my god.
41:00 Speaker 05 He's coming over and we're like arms up in the air screaming, panicking. There's crying, there's laughing. Everything's kind of going on.
41:06 Dax Shepard? At any point, did anyone think to row to shore and get off the fucking boat?
41:10 Speaker 05 No one thought about that. And I can't tell you why. There wasn't like a shore shore that we could have rowed to. It was houses with docks and like a seawall. But nobody thought that we should move or do anything.
41:23 Dax Shepard? Right, cuz you've been bludgeoned into submission by a coach.
41:27 Speaker 05 Yeah, it's the literal Stockholm syndrome.
41:29 Dax Shepard? Yeah, the military is dicey cuz sometimes you gotta break that chain of command.
41:33 Speaker 05 He comes over and he yells at us and he says, listen to me, you need to row. And at the time, that was the most hilarious instruction that could have been given cuz we're almost sunk. And it's hard to get the oars up out of the water. And so nobody listened to him right away. And then his complex kicks in and he's like, I know what the hell I'm doing. You need to row. And so he's yelling at us. So then we do start trying to get our little oars up out of the water and like push the water back. And we get a little bit of momentum and we come up out of the water a little bit, but barely. And then his next instruction to us is that we need to get rid of our oars. Because these boats are really skinny and the oars are really long. And so the oars are kind of keeping the boat balanced.
42:14 Speaker 05 And the goal is essentially for us to abandon the ship and flip it over.
42:19 Dax Shepard? Oh.
42:20 Speaker 05 We need to jump off on opposite sides of the boat. We all get off. And at this point. My memory is a little bit fuzzy because we're in the water and it's freezing and we know there's alligators in there.
42:33 Dax Shepard? Oh, fuck.
42:34 Speaker 05 At some point during this predicament, a family came out on their dock and they saw what was happening.
42:39 Dax Shepard? A bunch of young girls dying.
42:42 Speaker 01 And some man yelling.
42:44 Dax Shepard? Dishonorably discharged.
42:45 Speaker 01 Yeah.
42:46 Dax Shepard? Cadet is screaming.
42:47 Speaker 05 They must have beckoned to us or to our coach to say that we could come to their dock if we needed to get out of the water. And our coach informed us that he was gonna rescue the boat. He was like, I'm gonna take the boat back so that the boat is safe. So he hooks the boat up to a tow line and it pieces out of the situation.
43:06 Speaker 01 What? While you guys are just in the water?
43:08 Speaker 05 Yeah, we're in the water. We're fourteen. I'm just really glad we could all swim.
43:13 Speaker 01 Did you have life vests on?
43:14 Speaker 05 No. And we had layers on. Like, I had a sweatshirt and this little Vortex jacket because it was cold. So we're like sailing around. He leaves with the boat. We go up onto the dock of these strangers and then they took us into their house and gave us towels and tea. So luckily they were good Samaritan strangers. Very well. You could have never heard from the nine of us again because he just left.
43:36 Dax Shepard? What a champ.
43:37 Speaker 05 We had to call a parent chaperone from the home phone of this nice family's living room and they had to drive from the camp to come get us and bring us back.
43:47 Speaker 01 Oh, my.
43:48 Dax Shepard? How many girls are in the boat?
43:49 Speaker 05 There are nine. So there's eight that row and then there's one that coaches or is like the captain.
43:54 Dax Shepard? Oh, wow. They had nine girls in their kitchen trying to warm up.
43:57 Speaker 01 Did that coach get fired?
43:59 Speaker 05 He didn't come back the next year.
44:01 Speaker 01 Okay, good.
44:01 Dax Shepard? Now, how did you guys perform that year? It sounds like you had gone through hell and back. Maybe you would be great after all that.
44:07 Speaker 05 We were all right that year. I think that there are other schools that are definitely a lot more competitive than us, but our boat did okay.
44:13 Dax Shepard? Luckily, it didn't go in the direction you were fearing it would.
44:15 Speaker 01 Alligators.
44:16 Dax Shepard? No, even before that. You heard twenty-six.
44:20 Speaker 01 Oh, I did. I did.
44:20 Speaker 05 Oh, yeah, young.
44:22 Dax Shepard? So at least that wasn't on the table.
44:25 Speaker 01 But he sucks. Oh, I bet he was the boy in the baseball game.
44:29 Dax Shepard? You think he grew up and wanted to take out his frustration against women?
44:33 Speaker 01 Yes. It's a through line.
44:35 Dax Shepard? Wow. Well, you made it. I'm sure you guys had a blast ripping him apart every time he wasn't looking or listening. That's fun.
44:42 Speaker 01 That part's fun.
44:43 Speaker 06 Absolutely. It went down in history. We talked about it for years and years and years after.
44:47 Dax Shepard? Well, Maddie, what a disaster. Thanks for telling us that.
44:51 Speaker 06 Yeah, absolutely. Thanks for having me.
44:53 Speaker 01 Have a great day.
44:54 Dax Shepard? All right. Nice meeting you.
44:55 Speaker 06 You too. Bye.
44:56 Dax Shepard? Bye. Hello?
44:59 Speaker 06 I'm gonna cry.
45:01 Dax Shepard? Don't cry yet. Cry at the end. Save it for the end. What name are we gonna use?
45:06 Speaker 06 So my name is Mary today.
45:07 Dax Shepard? Okay, Mary, Mary. We love when someone wants a fake name. That feels like it's very promising. Like, maybe there's residual legal issues or something.
45:15 Speaker 06 Exactly.
45:16 Dax Shepard? Mary, are you allowed to tell us where you're at, or do you think that'll be too revealing?
45:19 Speaker 06 I'm in the Midwest.
45:20 Dax Shepard? That works. That's enough of a stereotype as I need.
45:23 Speaker 06 And of course, I'm changing some of the details to protect the innocent.
45:26 Dax Shepard? Okay, great.
45:27 Speaker 06 Back when my daughter was in kindergarten, we were trying to get her into different activities to make friends. The sport that she chose first was T-ball. She was so excited about it, made lots of friends through all of that. And as you know, with any group sport, you get added to a group text with tons of people.
45:43 Dax Shepard? If you're the parent, right?
45:45 Speaker 06 If you're the parent, you're in the group text, for sure. And so, right off the bat, the first week, getting tons of notifications, I put it on silent and I'm thinking, I'll check this one I can. So around that same time, something that you should know is I was going through a divorce with my ex. And he was having a good time. Different lifestyle. He's single, he's free.
46:04 Dax Shepard? Okay.
46:05 Speaker 01 He's not really dealing with the T-ball.
46:07 Speaker 06 He's not dealing with the T-ball text.
46:09 Dax Shepard? Hard to be present with T-ball when you have this other life happening.
46:12 Speaker 06 During that time, I also wanted to take my kiddo on vacation. You're just trying to make life as normal as it can be when you're going through something like that. And so I invited a new T-ball mom to go on this trip with me. And again, daughter was very excited. We actually go to Florida. So we're out on the beach, right? We're doing fun things, not looking at my phone. Notifications are off.
46:33 Dax Shepard? Uh huh.
46:34 Speaker 06 We get back to the room at the end of the night, pick up my phone, at least 50 notifications from the group text.
46:41 Speaker 01 Oh boy.
46:41 Speaker 06 I'm nervous because I'm thinking, oh no, someone got hurt at the T-ball, you know, something innocent happened. So I look at the text messages and the very first one in the list is my ex-husband.
46:51 Dax Shepard? Uh oh.
46:52 Speaker 06 He's asking for a sexual favor.
46:54 Speaker 01 Stop.
46:55 Speaker 06 From someone.
46:56 Dax Shepard? Oh, oh.
46:58 Speaker 01 Oh my god.
47:01 Speaker 06 And that was obviously not intended for the T-ball group text.
47:04 Speaker 01 Sure. Oh god. If you're comfortable, what did it say? Do you want to spell it out instead?
47:11 Dax Shepard? Do you want to draw a picture for us and we'll describe?
47:13 Speaker 06 Can we do like a base?
47:14 Speaker 01 Yeah, sure.
47:15 Dax Shepard? Oh.
47:15 Speaker 06 Third base.
47:16 Dax Shepard? He wants oral?
47:17 Speaker 01 He's requesting third base.
47:19 Dax Shepard? Okay.
47:20 Speaker 01 From a specific person?
47:21 Dax Shepard? He thinks he's texting with just one member of this group text.
47:24 Speaker 01 Oh, somebody on the group text?
47:27 Dax Shepard? Yeah, so he met some other T-baller mom and then he now thinks he's got a side thing going, but he accidentally, he went to her name, Gail, and then got too hasty because he's in the mood for third base, and then he fires off a text and he didn't realize it was the one where they list all the.
47:41 Speaker 01 No.
47:42 Dax Shepard? Is that right? Is that what happened?
47:44 Speaker 06 It's so close, but it wasn't someone from the exchange. I'm looking at these messages, right? And I'm with this fellow mom.
47:51 Dax Shepard? Oh boy.
47:51 Speaker 06 On the T-ball team. And I look up at her and she looks at me and our kids are with us and I'm like, I don't know what to do. So you had some dads that were cool about it, like making jokes, like, oh, lucky guy you are.
48:03 Dax Shepard? Oh boy.
48:04 Speaker 06 You know, yeah, I'll come over and do that.
48:07 Speaker 01 Oh my god.
48:09 Dax Shepard? No one knows what to do.
48:10 Speaker 01 Did any women say, how dare you?
48:12 Speaker 06 For sure.
48:13 Speaker 01 Okay.
48:14 Speaker 06 It got to the point where finally the coach stepped in and was like, hey, guys, this group chat is for kindergarten T-ball. So let's keep it to that and move on. So needless to say, the rest of the T-ball season was very awkward because, you know, I walk up to a mom and you know they want to ask you.
48:34 Speaker 01 Yeah.
48:34 Speaker 06 About it.
48:35 Dax Shepard? She must have felt so self-conscious. You're also going through a divorce. I feel like all this would just be so hard to deal with.
48:42 Speaker 01 So much.
48:43 Dax Shepard? Like, yeah, I'm going through divorce. Yes, my husband's clearly on the warpath. And now you all know.
48:48 Speaker 06 Mm-hmm.
48:49 Speaker 01 She doesn't know, thank god, but that people know that your daughter's dad, it's too much. Men, keep it in your pants for a little while longer.
48:59 Speaker 06 Be considerate, right?
49:00 Dax Shepard? Okay, two questions. Did your ex-husband respond ever after he realized what he did?
49:06 Speaker 06 He said sorry to the group, you know, wasn't intended, obviously for this group text.
49:10 Dax Shepard? And did you sidebar with him?
49:12 Speaker 06 Oh, yeah.
49:13 Speaker 01 Oh, you did.
49:13 Dax Shepard? Okay. Now, how did that conversation go?
49:16 Speaker 06 I was very upset, obviously, you know, I was so embarrassed. Again, you're just going through all this already. And in the moment, it felt like my world was ending, honestly, and I was so angry, but we're fine now. And it's a story to tell. We've come a long way. Great co-parenting relationship.
49:30 Dax Shepard? How many years ago was that?
49:31 Speaker 06 12 years ago.
49:32 Speaker 01 Wow.
49:33 Dax Shepard? Oh, boy.
49:34 Speaker 01 Ooh.
49:35 Dax Shepard? I can't imagine the searing heat that would shoot through my body the second I realized I had done that. I can't imagine a more embarrassing thing to all the parents. Oof.
49:49 Dax Shepard? Yeah, as much as you suffered, I guarantee he too, probably.
49:53 Speaker 01 I don't know. We don't know how he is.
49:55 Dax Shepard? I doubt he high-fived anyone after that. Did he remarry?
49:59 Speaker 06 He did a couple of times.
50:00 Dax Shepard? A couple of times, okay.
50:02 Speaker 06 But yeah, I'd say we all lived happily ever after and we're good.
50:04 Speaker 01 Well, I'm glad everyone's good, or I'm glad you're good.
50:07 Dax Shepard? Weird question. Did any of the fellow T-ball dads see this as a door opening opportunity for you?
50:13 Speaker 06 That's so funny that you said that, but no.
50:15 Dax Shepard? I could see someone going like, ah, this poor gal, she's got embarrassed by her husband.
50:19 Speaker 01 I'll take advantage of her in her most vulnerable time.
50:22 Dax Shepard? Hey, you, you want to get frisky too, to show them?
50:25 Speaker 01 No.
50:25 Dax Shepard? No, out of generosity and kindness.
50:27 Speaker 01 Okay.
50:28 Dax Shepard? Okay, you don't like that one bit.
50:32 Dax Shepard? How long have you been listening?
50:33 Speaker 06 I started listening during COVID. I'm a very uptight person, as you can probably tell by I changed my name. And I even told her I wanted to change my voice when I was telling the story. But listening to your podcast has just like opened my mind in the best way.
50:47 Dax Shepard? Oh.
50:48 Speaker 06 I learned so much. I actually have a few people in my life that struggle with addiction and it's hard for you to understand, right? When you haven't been through it, it's been life changing and I just thank you so much for doing what you do.
50:58 Dax Shepard? That makes me so happy, Mary. Oh, my God, what a story. Thank you so much for telling us.
51:03 Speaker 06 Thank you. Have a good one.
51:04 Dax Shepard? All right, take care. If you could see her face, what a sweet lady.
51:08 Speaker 01 So, so nice.
51:09 Dax Shepard? The last person that deserves to be on that text chain.
51:11 Speaker 01 Oh, it's just hard because you're embarrassed, but you're also sad. There's a lot happening.
51:16 Dax Shepard? Jealousy.
51:17 Speaker 01 You feel betrayed. Oof, that's a sad one.
51:20 Dax Shepard? That was a hell of a week of her life.
51:22 Speaker 01 I don't know if I should state the obvious. I don't think I should.
51:26 Dax Shepard? Do it. What do you say? Men are terrible?
51:28 Speaker 01 Lot of bad men in this crop. Lot of men doing some not so hot stuff in this crop. I'm just gonna say that.
51:36 Dax Shepard? Yeah, we didn't have any ladies who really shit the bed ethically in this episode.
51:41 Speaker 01 It was pretty much every story had a unbecoming man.
51:46 Speaker 07 Sporty men don't tend to be the most evolved of our kind.
51:50 Dax Shepard? Yeah, I think we could probably agree on that.
51:52 Speaker 01 Cause CTE?
51:52 Speaker 07 Probably that.
51:55 Speaker 01 I don't mean to laugh at CTE. It's not funny.
51:57 Dax Shepard? Yeah, I just think if you just live in the sports world, you're just with other boys and men all the time.
52:01 Speaker 01 Might be the sport itself. I find basketball players to be fairly evolved. They're just so regimented and disciplined.
52:09 Dax Shepard? Okay, this is great. You know who I think are the most evolved? Soccer players.
52:12 Speaker 01 Yeah, I also like soccer players too.
52:14 Dax Shepard? Cause that was kind of the alternative sport when I was growing up. If you weren't like a jock jock, but your parents wanted you on a team, that was kind of what you did.
52:21 Speaker 01 I like both of those types.
52:22 Dax Shepard? What do we think is the worst?
52:24 Speaker 07 Chess players?
52:25 Dax Shepard? Yeah, absolutely.
52:27 Speaker 01 Yeah.
52:27 Dax Shepard? Arrogant, know it alls.
52:30 Speaker 01 We know what's the worst.
52:31 Speaker 07 Football?
52:34 Speaker 01 I love everyone.
52:40 Dax Shepard? Well, it would make a bit of sense that as you chart the violence of the sport.
52:45 Speaker 01 Yeah, exactly.
52:46 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's not terribly hard to imagine.
52:49 Speaker 01 It's not a big leap.
52:49 Dax Shepard? You're probably over indexing in testosterone. You've been told to be tough nonstop.
52:55 Speaker 01 Exactly.
52:55 Dax Shepard? Yeah. All right.
52:56 Speaker 01 Okay, love you.
52:57 Dax Shepard? Well, I love you and I'm just so grateful that my kids aren't currently yet in.
53:02 Speaker 01 They're not in any of those.
53:03 Dax Shepard? No.
53:04 Speaker 01 That's kind of funny. Well.
53:05 Dax Shepard? Although someone is trying out today for something.
53:07 Speaker 01 I thought Lincoln played soccer though, for a minute.
53:10 Dax Shepard? Yeah, it was like a just a.
53:11 Speaker 01 Didn't take.
53:12 Dax Shepard? Well, no, it was just, I think that team only assembled to play a couple of games and then they did that. It was like her school.
53:18 Speaker 01 Remember she wanted to quit and you were like, no, remember back then?
53:21 Dax Shepard? Well, that was when she was a baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
53:23 Speaker 01 That's what I'm talking about.
53:24 Dax Shepard? That's back when we were in the phase of like, they have to be in something.
53:27 Speaker 01 Yeah.
53:27 Dax Shepard? And then why? I don't know.
53:28 Speaker 01 Yeah, not necessary.
53:30 Dax Shepard? Yeah. All right. Love you.
53:31 Speaker 01 Love you.
53:34 Speaker 07 Going to sing a tune or something? We're going to have a theme song.
53:36 Dax Shepard? Oh, okay, great.
53:39 Speaker 07 We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, a rhyme dish. On the fly, a rhyme dish. Enjoy.
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