Pod Insights Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard Armchair Anonymous: Waterparks About this episode Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about a crazy waterpark story.
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Transcript 11,328 words · 8 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Dax Shepard? Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard. I'm joined by Lily Padman.
0:05 Speaker 01 Hi.
0:05 Dax Shepard? And today we have crazy stories from the water park.
0:10 Speaker 01 You think you're gonna get E. coli. You know, that's what you think you're gonna get.
0:14 Dax Shepard? Did anyone get that? Well, there was a, some kind of a pathogen.
0:18 Speaker 01 There wasn't E. coli.
0:19 Dax Shepard? That was confirmed, yeah.
0:21 Speaker 01 Yeah.
0:21 Dax Shepard? But anything that could go wrong does go wrong in our crazy water park episode. Please enjoy. We get support from Quince.
0:31 Speaker 01 I have to say, I am so ready for fall. I want sweaters. I've been craving a true crisp morning where I actually need a jacket. I can't wait.
0:40 Dax Shepard? I'm fully there. The second it dips below 70, I'm like, this is my season. Give me the layers, give me the boots, give me a reason to wear something other than a t-shirt. And honestly, that's why I love Quince, because fall is when your wardrobe actually has to show up. And everything at Quince is 50 to 80% less than similar brands. We're talking 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, starting at $60.
1:02 Speaker 01 $60. $60 for cashmere that you'd expect from a luxury brand without the luxury price tag. It's amazing. Gets me every time. It really shouldn't be real, but it is because they go straight to the factories, they skip the middlemen, and they just hand you the savings. The stuff isn't trendy. It's the kind of pieces you grab over and over because they work every time.
1:20 Dax Shepard? The 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters for me are it. When I look at Steve McQueen, this man owned a couple of sweaters he wore all the time, and he looks iconic.
1:29 Speaker 01 It's a uniform.
1:31 Dax Shepard? Mm-hmm.
1:31 Speaker 01 And Quince isn't just about the clothes. They have hotel-quality bedding, cookware, bath essentials, thoughtfully-designed furniture. You can really go there and outfit your entire apartment or house. So if you're in need of any kind of fall refresh at home, too, same quality, same attention to detail for every corner of your life.
1:49 Dax Shepard? Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK, too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. We get support from AG1. Fall is that time when your body and mind are getting ready for the winter. You're settling in, bracing for the cold. Your body's already running a deficit from the shorter days and broken sleep patterns. You don't want a nutrient deficit stacked on top of that, too.
2:25 Speaker 01 That's where your AG1 routine earns its spot. It's not fixing your sleep or your alarm time. It's giving your body what it needs so the dark mornings don't tank you before you even start. One scoop, cold water every morning before anything else.
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2:51 Speaker 01 That's the part people miss. It's not a one day fix. It's what happens when you stay consistent.
2:55 Dax Shepard? It's an easy, everyday thing. I've added it to my morning routine and I'm going to tell you, I actually love the taste of it. It's like Pavlovian. I drink it and I know, mm, I'm going to get that little vitamin buzz.
3:06 Speaker 01 Well, that's also the thing. When you do it first thing in the morning, you already feel kind of self-esteem because you're like, I already did something good for myself.
3:13 Dax Shepard? Yes. Go to drinkag1.com/dax and for a limited time, get a free immunity bundle, including a bottle of omega three fish oil and a bottle of vitamin D3 K2 with your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro. That's drinkag1.com/dax. And after checkout, be sure to let them know that Armchair Experts sent you.
3:58 Speaker 02 Hello.
3:58 Speaker 01 Hi.
3:59 Dax Shepard? Hi, Josh.
4:00 Speaker 02 How are you guys?
4:00 Dax Shepard? Good. We just noticed that on your little Zoom login, you have a still from the claymation or stop motion. I guess it's not claymation, but the stop motion Christmas.
4:09 Speaker 02 Yes, it's one of my favorite Christmas time movies and clearly I'm behind on updating my profile picture.
4:15 Dax Shepard? Which one is it? Is it Rudolph?
4:17 Speaker 02 No, so that's Santa Claus is Coming to Town.
4:19 Dax Shepard? Ah, that's the one that got you. How do you feel about Rudolph? Is that in the running?
4:24 Speaker 02 That one's good. Year without a Santa Claus.
4:26 Speaker 01 Oh.
4:27 Speaker 02 Not a big Frosty the Snowman guy.
4:29 Dax Shepard? That's a pass for you. You like stop motion.
4:31 Speaker 02 I do, yes.
4:32 Dax Shepard? Yeah. And where do you live, Josh?
4:35 Speaker 02 I currently live in Connecticut.
4:36 Dax Shepard? Oh, okay. This is our first call from the East Coast today.
4:40 Speaker 01 Yeah.
4:40 Dax Shepard? That's exciting. Does your story take place on the East Coast?
4:43 Speaker 02 It does. My story takes place at Lake Compound's amusement park.
4:47 Dax Shepard? Oh, well, really quick, were you close to New York or far from New York?
4:51 Speaker 02 I'm pretty much like dead center.
4:53 Dax Shepard? Is ESPN around you?
4:54 Speaker 02 Yes, actually. ESPN is in the same town as Lake Compound.
4:58 Dax Shepard? Oh, okay, great. I just found my bearings.
5:00 Speaker 01 That was good, yeah.
5:01 Dax Shepard? Thank you. Yeah, it was one time to bore you in New York and we had to do a bunch of press. And then one of the things was like getting the car at six and then I got in and we're going to ESPN and I think it'll be in Times Square or whatever, Rockefeller Center.
5:11 Speaker 01 Yep.
5:12 Dax Shepard? No, three hour car ride. We're going to mid-state Connecticut. You don't soon forget that. But what was this theme park that was the big summer destination? Was it just water park or was it everything?
5:22 Speaker 02 So it's everything. It's actually the oldest continuously operating amusement park in the country. But yeah, it's really great. It's kind of a quaint place. It's right on a lake. And they have some really awesome roller coasters and amusement park rides. And then I actually worked in the water park and that's where my story takes place.
5:40 Dax Shepard? Oh, okay, great. I do love how all of us feel so much love and affinity for whatever amusement park we grew up with.
5:46 Speaker 01 Yeah.
5:47 Dax Shepard? So like, of course, if that were mine, I would know that it was the oldest. That would be my claim. Yeah. And I'll tell you like, oh, Cedar Point has the most roller coasters.
5:56 Speaker 02 Lake Compound also has one of the best wooden roller coasters in the world. And so I worked at Lake Compound. My wife also worked at Lake Compound at the same time. And she was the one that operated that ride.
6:07 Speaker 01 Oh, big responsibility.
6:09 Speaker 02 So if you're ever in Connecticut, definitely try to go on Boulder Dash. That's the ride.
6:13 Dax Shepard? Oh, okay. I do love a wooden roller coaster.
6:16 Speaker 01 Yeah.
6:16 Dax Shepard? That's my favorite. Okay, but alas, you were working there. What grade were you in?
6:20 Speaker 02 So I had just finished my sophomore year of college. This was a summer job. I was a water park attendant. I was the guy on top of the water slide, helping people go down the slide, making sure they get out okay and sending the next batch. I had nowhere near the responsibility that the lifeguards had. I was just sending people down the slide.
6:40 Dax Shepard? You're in charge of the gap, do you, I'd imagine?
6:43 Speaker 02 Yep, I'm making small talk with the guests. It was a lot of fun.
6:45 Dax Shepard? I hate to be a perv, but you're talking to chicks in bikinis and stuff. That's gotta be fun as a young man.
6:50 Speaker 01 You have a girlfriend, operating the wooden roller coaster.
6:52 Dax Shepard? You still see the girls in bikinis even when you have a girlfriend.
6:55 Speaker 02 It made me realize, replaying the story in my head, the water park is like such a vulnerable place for things to go wrong.
7:02 Speaker 01 Oh, it is, I know.
7:03 Speaker 02 You're pretty much naked and things are going wrong.
7:05 Dax Shepard? Yes.
7:06 Speaker 02 And so it adds this whole crazier element.
7:08 Dax Shepard? You're wet and naked.
7:09 Speaker 01 Yep.
7:10 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah.
7:12 Speaker 02 And I'm just up there with like a whistle, being like, okay, next.
7:16 Speaker 01 Yeah.
7:16 Speaker 02 It was a beautiful summer day and I was working, what I think is probably the biggest and the most popular water park ride at the compounds, called Mammoth Falls. And it is a huge green tube. Six people sit in a big yellow raft. The queue line for this ride can be like an hour, two hours long, especially on a busy day.
7:37 Dax Shepard? Whoa.
7:38 Speaker 02 And when you enter this ride, you kind of walk down a path, almost in the woods. And then there is a like four or five story tall tower of stairs. You climb all the way to the top to get to the top deck. And so that's where I am. And everything's going smooth. A family of four comes up. It's their turn to get to the raft. And I'm all alone up there, so I'm helping this family. Everything's normal, but then out of the corner of my eye, I notice a little bit of a commotion. And it was a woman and an eight-year-old girl, kind of pushing their way up to the top of this deck. In the moment, I didn't really think much of it. And I usually didn't intervene when people were cutting the line, unless people around them started to really make a stink about it.
8:24 Speaker 02 But no one was saying anything. They were kind of just letting this happen. So I just ignored it, was focusing on the family. Getting them ready to go down the slide. Next thing I know, let's say their mother and daughter, they are jumping into the raft. They have made their way to the top and now they are inserting themselves with this family of four. And again, like I wasn't really thinking much in that moment. And there were two open seats and I think if it was at capacity, I would have been like, please wait, but there were two open seats and they just jumped in and I thought maybe they were confused and they can join.
8:59 Dax Shepard? Now, to try to be really generous to them and make a good argument for them. Do you think it's possible that they were operating under the protocol of like a ski chair lift? Where it's like, if you're a single, you know, you can get in that singles line. They're like, well, we're not six, so clearly there's going to be a gap for two. Is that possible or they were just assholes?
9:17 Speaker 02 Well, it's kind of part of the story.
9:18 Dax Shepard? Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
9:20 Speaker 02 Usually it's the stairs and then right at the top of the stairs where you enter the top deck, there is kind of a barrier that is set up so that people aren't just flooding this top deck. Cause also at the top deck, there's a pretty large pool with about a foot of water and that's where the raft goes. And then it just filters down the tube. So usually most of the people are all on the stairs. So we really didn't experience people kind of going past that until it was their turn.
9:46 Dax Shepard? Gotcha.
9:47 Speaker 02 And so I am ready to send this group of six down the slide. And it was almost as like, just as I let go of the raft, I get a better look at the mother and daughter. And they were completely covered in vomit.
10:04 Speaker 01 No.
10:06 Speaker 02 As you really enter the tube, there's like a waterfall that kind of splashes you. And I just remember seeing the vomit splashing off of them and filling the inner part of this raft.
10:22 Speaker 02 It was bad. And then they just disappear into the darkness. They're on their way. And so I start panicking because my first thought is, oh my God, we're going to have to close down this ride. And the line is long and that's the worst thing to have to do to people is be like, you've waited all. This time and now we're shutting down the ride. So I quickly go and grab the phone that is at the top of this deck to call down to the lifeguard. I don't know if this is a universal thing, but at Lake Compound's, any kind of vomit situation, we called it a rainbow.
10:54 Speaker 01 Oh, alright.
10:55 Speaker 02 And so I called down to the lifeguard and said, hey, we got a rainbow. I don't know what's about to come out of this slide, but we're gonna have to shut down the ride. I'm gonna close the queue line. I'm gonna call the manager.
11:05 Dax Shepard? What is protocol? Like what happens when that's flagged?
11:08 Speaker 02 Usually it's scooping it out. It kind of depends on the severity of the situation. Sometimes it's kind of a temporary pause, like let's clean it up, make sure it's okay. I remember being told that the raft at the bottom was covered. So that raft had to get pulled. But yeah, we did end up shutting down the ride. But I'm on the phone talking to the lifeguard and I'm kind of looking down, I'm away from the queue line and I get a tap on the shoulder. And I turn around and there is a large gentleman shirtless standing in front of me. He is covered in vomit.
11:45 Speaker 01 What the fuck is going on? This is a horror movie.
11:49 Speaker 02 He's very distressed and then I see a few more people start to push their way up this staircase onto the top deck.
11:57 Dax Shepard? What?
11:58 Speaker 02 With some amount of vomit all over them.
12:03 Speaker 01 What is going on?
12:05 Speaker 02 I'm panicking. Everyone looks horrified and I asked the guy like, what happened? What's going on? And all he said was, it came from up above.
12:15 Dax Shepard? Yes, it was booting over the side.
12:17 Speaker 01 Oh.
12:20 Speaker 02 What happened was this little girl waiting, whether it was a heat related thing or feeling sick. She pretty much made it to the top of the deck, felt sick, leaned over, threw up all over everyone below her.
12:35 Dax Shepard? Oh, man.
12:37 Speaker 01 My god.
12:37 Dax Shepard? That surpasses, I've been pooped on by a bird on the Santa Monica promenade. That's rough, but I can't imagine getting hit in the face with vomit from above.
12:46 Speaker 01 Strangers vomit? No, no, no, no, no.
12:49 Dax Shepard? It helps it was a little girl. If I gotta pick who I'm getting vomited on, I think that's my pick.
12:54 Speaker 02 And I think for those folks, it was either let me leave this line and go to the bathroom, or I'm coming to the top to try to wash myself off.
13:02 Dax Shepard? That would be my instinct. Like, I need to get in the water now. Was he really covered? Like, it sounds like it was a tremendous amount of puke.
13:09 Speaker 02 He was covered.
13:10 Dax Shepard? Oh.
13:11 Speaker 02 My first thought was maybe this girl threw up and it got on people next to her, but no, he was covered.
13:17 Speaker 01 Ew.
13:18 Speaker 02 It was a mess.
13:19 Dax Shepard? Oh. And then, of course, he wants to jump in the water.
13:23 Speaker 02 Yeah, so I have all these people. They're jumping into this little pool with a foot of water splashing themselves, desperately trying to get it off.
13:31 Dax Shepard? That's chaos.
13:31 Speaker 02 And my first response was to be like, you gotta get out. It's not safe. You're gonna fall on the slide. But they didn't care. They were like, I need to clear myself off.
13:40 Speaker 01 Also, there was vomit in the water already, so it's like, ah.
13:44 Speaker 02 The top of the deck was a mess, so I ended up having to clear the whole line, shut down the ride.
13:50 Speaker 01 Oh my god, what a disaster.
13:53 Dax Shepard? Do you think people got free passes for that?
13:55 Speaker 02 Circumstances like that, there would definitely be some sort of voucher that people can receive.
14:01 Speaker 01 You would hope.
14:02 Dax Shepard? Yeah, it kind of ruined the trip to the water park to get thrown up on.
14:06 Speaker 01 That's disgusting.
14:07 Dax Shepard? What a wonderful mystery, though. The first one's like, oh, what's going on here? They're pushy.
14:11 Speaker 01 We think something's wrong with them.
14:12 Dax Shepard? Yeah, they're bitchy. And then also, oh, they've puked, so they just want to get down before she pukes again. No, still not the right.
14:20 Speaker 01 I'm surprised they didn't say, like, hey, there's a situation.
14:23 Dax Shepard? Someone's puking from above.
14:25 Speaker 01 Yeah, the mother and daughter when they got in.
14:29 Speaker 02 That's what was strange to me, too. It's not like they got to the top of the deck and they're like, hey, we're really sick. Like, we need help. I'm getting on this slide and I'm leaving. I'm going down.
14:37 Dax Shepard? Fuck decorum, yeah.
14:39 Speaker 01 Do you think they were the cause of it?
14:41 Speaker 02 One of the guests said that they saw the girl throw up over the edge.
14:45 Speaker 01 That girl.
14:46 Dax Shepard? Oh, the girl who ran to the top.
14:48 Speaker 02 It was not good. And the worst part is that ride is so fun, because working in this water park, you had a rotation of rides you worked. And so, once you were done with your, like, hour block of working on a ride, you go to the next one. And I would always hop on. The raft with a family and like ride it down to go to the next one. But that one had to shut down the ride. I had to get a bag of cat litter, go down the steps, clean up all the spots that had vomit on it and make my way to the next ride.
15:13 Dax Shepard? That slide was probably down for the day. Yeah.
15:16 Speaker 02 It was.
15:17 Dax Shepard? We didn't get that back up and running.
15:18 Speaker 01 Take a minute.
15:19 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah. Oh, grody.
15:23 Speaker 01 I hate thinking about what goes on in these public environments.
15:26 Dax Shepard? And to Josh's first point, they were exposed. They were nude. So it was getting all over their skin. It wasn't like on their shirt that they could take off. It's on their thighs.
15:36 Speaker 01 In their mouth, maybe.
15:37 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
15:41 Speaker 01 Wow.
15:42 Dax Shepard? Yeah. How long did you work there?
15:43 Speaker 02 I was there for two summers.
15:45 Dax Shepard? Did you want to work there forever?
15:47 Speaker 02 Nope. It was just a summer job.
15:50 Speaker 02 There are so many stories at this water park.
15:52 Dax Shepard? Were there poop incidents? Did people have unauthorized evacuations?
15:56 Speaker 02 I never actually saw or dealt with that.
15:59 Dax Shepard? Oh, that's good. That's encouraging.
16:01 Speaker 01 Cause that's E. coli. You know, that's an E. coli scare.
16:04 Speaker 02 That's a mess. There would be a few times where that would happen in the pools. That's when you really have to drain the whole pool, but I never like dealt with that firsthand.
16:14 Dax Shepard? I went to a water park on the outskirts of Seattle and I was wearing a pair of shorts that I had been wearing way too many summers. I was probably in my fifth summer in these shorts.
16:23 Speaker 01 So they were very thin.
16:23 Dax Shepard? My friend Colleen. Yeah, they were really kind of thin and we went down one of these really tall, like 45 degree angle, really fast, you know, cross your legs type slides. And dueling slides. We're next to each other and we go down and then we get into the water and then we come out of the water and we're getting the water out of our hair. And then we just start walking and then all of a sudden, and we walked for a minute and she goes, oh my God. My entire butt cheeks were out. It had ripped the whole back of my fucking shorts off. And again, I left all my clothes in the car. I didn't want to get a locker or anything. So I entered in just that swimsuit. So I had to walk through the park with my hands over my butt crack and go back out to the car.
17:04 Speaker 01 And notoriously, you're pretty self-conscious about your butt crack.
17:07 Dax Shepard? Yeah. Uh huh. So if that happened to me, I can only imagine. I bet there's a ton of swimsuit disasters there.
17:14 Speaker 02 Oh, all the time.
17:15 Speaker 01 Well, thanks for sharing that.
17:16 Dax Shepard? Yeah, thanks, Josh.
17:17 Speaker 02 Of course. Do you mind if I bring my wife on to say hi?
17:19 Dax Shepard? Yeah, let's talk to her.
17:21 Speaker 02 She's the one that got me into the podcast. She was a listener way before me.
17:25 Speaker 01 Oh, she's wearing a robot. Hi.
17:27 Speaker 03 Hi.
17:28 Dax Shepard? Hello. Welcome, welcome, welcome. We heard you worked the tallest, fastest wooden roller coaster.
17:35 Speaker 03 That's right. I sure did.
17:37 Dax Shepard? Yeah. Anything exciting happen there? I mean, people must have come back in all kinds of states of mind.
17:42 Speaker 03 Oh, absolutely. We saw a lot of things on that roller coaster because that was the destination for the park. So you got a lot of people who would travel from across the country. We'd have roller coaster enthusiasts that would come to ride this particular wooden roller coaster. So it was cool. You got to see all different types of people, some having really great days, some not so much because they were very scared.
18:03 Speaker 01 Did you get promoted to that position? Like, that's like the best position you can have in the park?
18:08 Speaker 03 No, that's the first one I had.
18:11 Dax Shepard? First and last.
18:13 Speaker 03 I think I just got lucky. But it was fun because we were working there at the same time and we were dating. And so we sometimes would get lunch together or he'd wave at me.
18:22 Speaker 01 Oh, and then you'd get PQs.
18:25 Dax Shepard? I like it. Well, it's nice meeting both of you.
18:29 Speaker 03 Yes, likewise. Thank you, guys, so much for having us.
18:32 Dax Shepard? Take care.
18:32 Speaker 01 Bye.
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19:54 Dax Shepard? We get support from Scottsdale, Arizona. Monica, with summer ending or heading into fall, I've been researching a nice quick getaway location and I keep coming back to Scottsdale, Arizona.
20:05 Speaker 01 Ooh, Scottsdale's good. What's drawing you to it?
20:08 Dax Shepard? Well, first of all, I have this wonderful memory of going there as a kid, when I go see my stepdad when he's working out there. The weather is perfect in fall, warm, sunny, no humidity. And you can really do whatever you want with your time there. I want to do a sunrise hike through the Sonoran Desert, be surrounded by Saguaro, and then at the same afternoon, just completely melt into a spa treatment at one of their luxury resorts.
20:33 Speaker 01 Oh, that sounds amazing. I want to do that. Also, I was there visiting my brother once and I loved Old Town Scottsdale. It's so walkable. They have galleries and cute little restaurants and shops. The food scene alone is worth the trip.
20:47 Dax Shepard? What I keep reading is that it's luxurious, but not stuffy. There's no pressure to do it a certain way. You can explore public art, check out the architecture, go off-roading in the desert, or just sit and watch a sunset.
20:58 Speaker 01 It really is the perfect fall reset.
21:00 Dax Shepard? Learn more about all Scottsdale has to offer at unwindinscottsdale.com. This episode is supported by Helix.
21:10 Speaker 01 Dax, is there anything better than crawling into a perfect bed on a cold fall night? Candlelit, hoodie on, maybe even some rain outside. The dream.
21:21 Dax Shepard? That's the dream. You just described one of my ideal fall nights.
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21:41 Dax Shepard? Increasingly so.
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23:43 Speaker 01 Hi.
23:44 Dax Shepard? Hi.
23:45 Speaker 04 Oh, my gosh. So nice to meet you guys.
23:48 Dax Shepard? Abby, where are you?
23:49 Speaker 04 So I am in Boston right now.
23:51 Dax Shepard? Okay, that feels right for you. That would have been a top three guess for me.
23:56 Speaker 01 Really?
23:56 Dax Shepard? Yeah. You look Irish to me. Are you Irish?
23:59 Speaker 04 Definitely, yes.
24:00 Dax Shepard? Yeah, definitely very fucking Irish.
24:03 Speaker 04 Yeah, plays into the story, just the tiniest bit.
24:05 Dax Shepard? Oh, wonderful. Okay. Well, please take us through your water park experience.
24:11 Speaker 04 Okay, well, so first I want to say I was born and raised in Wisconsin. So I really hope you guys get some story from Wisconsindells because it is the water park capital of the world and sadly, my story is not from there.
24:24 Speaker 01 Oh.
24:24 Dax Shepard? Okay, now, we did just talk to someone from Wisconsin, but they had pooped their pants. That's why we talked to them.
24:29 Speaker 01 That was different.
24:30 Dax Shepard? On a tubing trip, did you ever go tubing in Wisconsin?
24:33 Speaker 04 Not in Wisconsin, but lots of good water adventures there.
24:36 Dax Shepard? Okay, great.
24:36 Speaker 01 Wisconsin is what I would have guessed.
24:39 Dax Shepard? Okay, well, you would be right.
24:40 Speaker 01 It makes sense.
24:42 Speaker 04 You should have said that first.
24:43 Speaker 01 I know, but I'm just so shy.
24:44 Dax Shepard? Yeah, she's so timid and afraid.
24:48 Speaker 04 Yeah, I've noticed that about you.
24:51 Dax Shepard? Okay, so not in Wisconsin, though, this water park story.
24:54 Speaker 04 Yes, so my story takes place in Bali.
24:57 Dax Shepard? Oh.
24:58 Speaker 04 Summer of 2019, I just finished my freshman year of college. And so I got the opportunity to work in a lab in Singapore with a bunch of other university students. It was like the opportunity of a lifetime. So I was like, okay, if I'm going to be in Singapore all summer and being paid to be there, like, I wanted to travel every single weekend.
25:18 Dax Shepard? And what kind of lab are we talking about?
25:20 Speaker 04 It was antimicrobial resistance bacteria kind of lab. One of the places that we went to was Bali. I did a long weekend girls' trip there. And it was as fun as you could like possibly imagine. Acai bowls every day, walking on the beach, surfing, hiking, all the amazing things you imagine about Bali. That's what that trip was.
25:42 Dax Shepard? Was it so hot, though? I went one time and I think it is in the top three prettiest places I've ever been in my life, but also it's the hottest place I've ever been. Ever felt in my life.
25:50 Speaker 04 Well, so since I'd been living in Singapore for a few months at that time and kind of like acclimated, it didn't feel too bad because Singapore is like a hundred and a hundred percent humidity every day.
25:59 Dax Shepard? Whoa.
25:59 Speaker 04 Yeah, it's brutal.
26:01 Dax Shepard? Yeah, I was on a cruise ship and when we got off the cruise ship to get on a little tender to go over to Bali, it was like walking into a blast furnace. It was just like, oh my God, this is overwhelming.
26:09 Speaker 04 Yeah, that's about right. So the first day we went surfing and this is important because I got sunburnt over like my entire backside. Fifty percent of my body was completely sunburnt.
26:22 Dax Shepard? For the listener, Abby is very fair skinned, blonde hair.
26:25 Speaker 04 In my defense, I did put on sunscreen, but I think I wasn't that good at surfing. So I did a lot more like tumbling than riding the waves. And I think that maybe contributed to the sunscreen coming off a bit too quickly. So then the day that the story takes place, we had a driver because that was cheaper than having like a taxi or anything. And he suggested this kind of like cool, slightly off the beaten path little water place for us to go to. And so we drove through the rice paddies and these like pepper fields and stuff. And all of a sudden you are in the Indonesian jungle and it's like so beautiful and green all around. And there's this huge gorge that goes through and the gorge is two to three stories high. The walls for most parts and this black gray stone.
27:09 Speaker 04 So it's this like super cool shady vibe where like the vines are hanging down onto the rocks. And then they basically have it set up as this natural water park.
27:17 Dax Shepard? Like a flume, like you're going through like carved out of volcanic rock.
27:21 Speaker 04 Yeah, exactly. And there's like water flowing through there.
27:24 Dax Shepard? Made for Instagram.
27:25 Speaker 04 Yes, for sure.
27:27 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
27:28 Speaker 04 Unfortunately, I was wearing a long sleeve T-shirt because I was too sunburnt. So no good Instagram pics that day, but it was so fun nonetheless. Our guide was super nice and we were walking through and there's some places where the water's like ankle deep and you're kind of just hiking and there's some places where it's like chest deep. And so you're kind of like grabbing onto your friends, pulling them through the current and like climbing over the rocks. And some places where the water is like deep enough for you to climb up the rocks and like jump into the water and like cliff dive kind of.
27:57 Dax Shepard? This is a heaven.
27:58 Speaker 04 It was heaven and our guide was really encouraging us to be brave and jump and have a good time. So I really appreciated that. And then the other part that I thought was really cool was that the water inside the gorge was all fresh water. And having spent the whole summer in that Southeast Asia region, everything is like saltwater. And being a Wisconsin girlie, I really like that freshwater feeling. It just feels nicer on my skin. I like it. It feels like at home for me. So I remember that being distinctly nice about being there.
28:28 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah. I'm a freshwater guy, too. The fresh coast.
28:32 Speaker 04 Yeah, I love it. So now we fast forward six years.
28:36 Dax Shepard? Oh.
28:37 Speaker 04 And this Bali trip and the time at the natural water park are just kind of like a distant fond memory. And I think about the water park. Oh, like, that was like such a cool little adventure that we went on, whatever. But so it was 2025 and I was having really bad issues with pretty constant stomach aches. Like, every single day I have a stomach ache. I'm curled over. I feel so bad. I'm going to work pretending everything's fine, but it's really not. I feel horrible. And so I'm seeing my PCP. I'm seeing a GI doctor.
29:08 Dax Shepard? What's a PCP?
29:09 Speaker 01 Primary care physician.
29:11 Dax Shepard? Oh, great.
29:11 Speaker 04 So I'm seeing them. I'm doing so many blood tests. I even got a colonoscopy. So kind of crazy that I can relate to your colonoscopy stories at age 26.
29:20 Speaker 01 Yeah.
29:21 Speaker 04 But so we kind of did everything and eventually we're sort of like grasping for straws. And my GI doctor asked me if I'd ever been to Southeast Asia or Africa.
29:29 Speaker 01 Oh.
29:30 Speaker 04 I said I had been, but it was like six years ago, so probably irrelevant. And then she asked if I'd ever been in freshwater there. And now I think back to the water park.
29:40 Speaker 01 No, no.
29:41 Speaker 04 And it turns out I, for six years, had had microscopic parasitic worms in my system.
29:47 Dax Shepard? No! Also, the irony that you were there doing antimicrobial work in Singapore.
29:54 Speaker 01 This feels unfair.
29:55 Dax Shepard? The microbes were like, oh, you want to fuck with us?
29:57 Speaker 01 Wait, what if the microbes actually got in from the lab?
30:00 Speaker 04 It's so gross. They literally swim into your skin in the water.
30:04 Dax Shepard? Really?
30:06 Speaker 01 Flesh eating.
30:07 Dax Shepard? So wait, did they? Okay, I have a lot of questions and you seem perfectly suited to answer them on a biological level. Do you think the people that live there and interact with that water all the time, are they all just infested with these worms? Or they somehow have some other microbe in their body that's keeping that in check? What's going on with those folks?
30:26 Speaker 04 Yeah, so I did some research on it and there's at any given time like 200 million people in the world that actually have this. So it's super common, but it's not common for a tourist because you're not usually in that type of water. But like a lot of the young kids who are like bathing in that water or drinking from that water, like using that water for different things, they're getting this parasite. And there's an anti-parasitic drug to get rid of it. But for me personally, I didn't have the early signs that I had the parasite because the early signs are fatigue, rash, and really itchy skin. But I had a rash over 50% of my body from my sunburn.
31:07 Dax Shepard? Oh.
31:08 Speaker 04 Literally, it was so gross. All of my skin peeled off within a few weeks because it was so badly sunburned. And so I was super, super itchy after I'd gotten the sunburn. So I had kind of like rashes and I had really itchy skin, but it didn't really tip me off that it was something like that. I was like, well, obviously I'm just got a sunburn.
31:28 Dax Shepard? This should be in the textbook for correlation versus causation.
31:31 Speaker 04 Definitely.
31:32 Dax Shepard? So I need to know about the treatment, but was your first thought was like, okay, all the girls on the trip, I need to call them and find out if they have this.
31:38 Speaker 04 Yeah, I was actually having like a college reunion with them a few weeks later. So it was kind of the perfect opening line conversation starter with them being like, just so you know, like I've had this parasite for six years. Oh, my god. If you think you might have it, talk to your doctor.
31:53 Dax Shepard? Did anyone say they were having stomach issues or no?
31:55 Speaker 04 No one else said that they ended up getting it, but I might have also been more susceptible like with the sunburn because it really hurts your skin barrier. So probably wasn't as good with my defenses as they were at that time.
32:07 Dax Shepard? And what's the name of the actual parasite you had?
32:10 Speaker 04 Oh, I'm going to butcher the pronunciation, but it's like shishto schmiasis, something like that.
32:15 Dax Shepard? Shit, shit, schmiasis. Whoa.
32:17 Speaker 04 Exactly.
32:18 Dax Shepard? And what's the treatment?
32:19 Speaker 04 There's pills you take, but it's very specific, the amount of pill you take too. So I had to go to the doctor and get weighed before I got prescribed the pills. And I had to take exactly 3.75 pills.
32:30 Dax Shepard? Wow.
32:31 Speaker 04 And so like the pharmacist gave me four and I literally had to like chip off part of one of them and take the exact right amount for my body weight.
32:37 Dax Shepard? So how long did it take before you felt better? And then a really gross question, do you pass them? Are they in your stool? Can you see them?
32:43 Speaker 04 Yeah.
32:44 Dax Shepard? Sorry.
32:45 Speaker 04 Yeah, so. I got better like pretty much immediately after you take the pills. It's like pretty much done within the next day or so, which is really nice. But yeah, you kind of like pass it through your stool. And the crazy thing is they can live in you for way longer than six years. Like it could live in you for up to like three decades.
33:03 Speaker 01 What?
33:07 Speaker 04 I know, it's so crazy. So I think I was probably pooping some out over time, but they just keep reproducing and stuff like that. So I didn't really like know to look for them.
33:16 Dax Shepard? Okay, last question, just because I'm a little too into the microbiome. Did the treatment also kill off a lot of your good microbes? And did you have to repopulate? Was there collateral damage in this?
33:27 Speaker 04 I didn't have to like do anything. It wasn't recommended to do anything. And you maybe don't want to know if you're like damaging your microbiome. Just be happy with the fix that you got.
33:34 Dax Shepard? Yeah, like don't worry about the water leak if the roof's on fire situation.
33:38 Speaker 01 We gotta get rid of these worms that entered through your skin.
33:42 Dax Shepard? Soon as you say worms, it takes it to another. I was preparing myself for a tapeworm story. Once you said six years later, I'm like, okay, she got something.
33:49 Speaker 01 I thought you had Zika.
33:50 Dax Shepard? Oh, no.
33:51 Speaker 04 Thankfully, no.
33:52 Dax Shepard? Isn't that from mosquitoes?
33:53 Speaker 01 I don't know, but it's in those areas.
33:55 Dax Shepard? Uh huh.
33:55 Speaker 01 Scary.
33:56 Dax Shepard? But you're now healthy as a horse.
33:58 Speaker 04 Thankfully, you know, knock on wood.
33:59 Dax Shepard? God, I'm trying to decide how I move forward, having heard this story. How many other gals were with you in this excursion?
34:06 Speaker 04 Three other girls.
34:07 Dax Shepard? So 25% chance.
34:08 Speaker 01 Yeah.
34:09 Dax Shepard? And I'm trying to think if I would still do it.
34:11 Speaker 01 Go there?
34:11 Dax Shepard? Yes, I want to see it. It sounds so fun. Was it so fun?
34:15 Speaker 04 It was so fun. And honestly, it seems like based on the number of people that get it every year, you probably would get it.
34:20 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
34:22 Speaker 04 If you get a rash and you get itchy and it's not from a sunburn.
34:25 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
34:25 Speaker 04 Then that's like a good tip to like go to your doctor. It's worth it. I think it's worth the risk.
34:29 Speaker 01 Guys, no, no.
34:31 Dax Shepard? Yeah, I recommend it to.
34:32 Speaker 01 I'd like to be on record saying I do not recommend doing this.
34:36 Dax Shepard? Well, Abby, what a story.
34:37 Speaker 01 I'm so glad you figured it out.
34:38 Dax Shepard? And I guess the Irishness did come to play in the sunburn.
34:41 Speaker 01 Yeah.
34:41 Dax Shepard? How do you do with anesthetic? Any wild experiences?
34:44 Speaker 04 Oh my gosh, it honestly is so bad. I've had issues with like a gum graft where it wasn't anesthetized enough and post colonoscopy, I like threw up everywhere.
34:53 Speaker 01 Oh no.
34:54 Dax Shepard? Wow.
34:55 Speaker 01 So you can't, it's not good for you.
34:56 Speaker 04 Yeah, it's not good.
34:58 Speaker 01 But maybe you threw up because worms were in your body. We could start looking back and worms could be causing it.
35:02 Dax Shepard? Of everything. Yeah. If you didn't file your taxes in 2022, could have been the worms.
35:06 Speaker 04 It could have. Exactly, exactly.
35:08 Speaker 01 Oh wow.
35:09 Dax Shepard? Well, Abby, it's so delightful to meet you.
35:11 Speaker 04 Thank you. Well, I really appreciate it. And I just want to give one quick shout out to my fiance, Ethan. He is the funniest, kindest, most handsome, amazing cat dad ever.
35:22 Speaker 01 Oh, we love Ethan.
35:25 Speaker 04 And exactly one month from today, he is going to become my husband.
35:28 Speaker 01 Yay.
35:29 Dax Shepard? Yay.
35:29 Speaker 04 Have to shout him out for that.
35:31 Speaker 01 Congratulations.
35:32 Dax Shepard? April showers bring May weddings.
35:34 Speaker 04 Exactly.
35:35 Speaker 01 That's what they say.
35:36 Dax Shepard? Well, congratulations and we wish you a ton of luck on this union. And he sounds like a babe and I'm happy for you.
35:42 Speaker 04 Thank you so much.
35:43 Dax Shepard? All right. Nice meeting you, Abby.
35:45 Speaker 04 Bye.
35:45 Dax Shepard? Bye.
35:47 Speaker 01 Hi.
35:48 Speaker 05 Hi.
35:48 Dax Shepard? Deirdre, where are you in the country?
35:51 Speaker 05 I'm near Lake Norman in North Carolina, Huntersville.
35:54 Dax Shepard? Okay. Is that closer to Raleigh or to Charlotte?
35:57 Speaker 05 Charlotte.
35:58 Dax Shepard? And do NASCAR people live on that lake?
36:00 Speaker 05 I've heard NASCAR, basketball, country stars.
36:03 Speaker 01 Oh, nice.
36:04 Dax Shepard? Place to be. I follow a few NASCAR drivers and I see them on their cool boats on the lake and I bet it's that lake.
36:09 Speaker 05 Yeah, they have like helicopters on some of the houses around here, little planes. We just have an SUV.
36:15 Dax Shepard? Okay.
36:15 Speaker 01 That's great.
36:16 Dax Shepard? Well, that's all one needs. Okay. So you have a water park story?
36:19 Speaker 05 It's taken me a lot of years to tell it. So 2013, we were on family vacation. My kids were six and 10. They are now 19 and 23. They begged us, can we go to a water park? It's not my husband and my favorite thing to do, but we thought, you know what? What the hell? Bought tickets, went. So we're about halfway through the day. It's time to go to the tallest, biggest, darkest water slide they have. And I want to talk about the version of myself at that point in 2013. This is very important. I'm thick now, but I was an extra, extra thick piece of bacon then. That's very important.
36:53 Dax Shepard? Okay.
36:54 Speaker 01 Okay.
36:54 Speaker 05 We climb up the 17,000 stairs. We get to the top. There's about five families in front of us and I get instant diarrhea.
37:02 Speaker 01 Oh.
37:03 Speaker 05 And I look at my husband and I am like, I've got to go. I've got to go now.
37:17 Dax Shepard? We get support from Skims. So Monica just informed me that she's a girl's girl, and I nodded like I knew exactly what that meant.
37:25 Speaker 01 Yeah, but the girls who get it, they get it.
37:28 Dax Shepard? Okay, but for those of us who are clearly not girls, walk me through it.
37:31 Speaker 01 Well, you know how much I love my Skims fleece joggers because the plush fleece is so soft, it's cozy, it's really comfortable without feeling too heavy. Well, I went to friend them, and she would not stop talking about how comfy they were. She almost didn't give them back to me, which was upsetting, but I'm a girl's girl, so I let her have it.
37:49 Dax Shepard? Great, great, great.
37:50 Speaker 01 So the sleep sets are awesome because they are very soft and comfortable, but they're cute. If I'm in my sleep set, I feel fine about going down the street to pick up my food. I'm still looking cute, but I'm comfy and I'm cozy.
38:03 Dax Shepard? Roger.
38:04 Speaker 01 A really fun thing to do is if you're going on vacation with your girlfriends, to get matching Skims pajamas. I've done this with Callie, and it is so fun. First of all, the pics are so cute, but also it's just fun and friendship.
38:17 Dax Shepard? So a girl's girl is looking out for your friends with better loungewear. I get it. Am I one of your girls now?
38:22 Speaker 01 You are. You and the other girlies can shop my favorite loungewear and pajamas at skims.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you. Select podcasts in the survey and be sure to select our show in the dropdown menu that follows.
38:36 Dax Shepard? This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you've thought about trying therapy with our long-term partner, BetterHelp, insurance options may now be available nationwide with an average copay for eligible members of just $23 per session. October 10th is World Mental Health Day, but you don't need a day on the calendar to give yourself permission to talk to someone. I've been in therapy for a long time, and the stuff rattling around in my head always just quiets down the second I say it out loud. And it doesn't have to be some big life crisis. Maybe it's a work thing that's taking up too much space, or hard relationship moment, or just a feeling that something's off. That's enough. That's worth talking about.
39:14 Speaker 01 You know, I love therapy more than anything. Gets me through. Often I'll want to cancel because I'm like, I don't really have anything to talk about, and then I'll go and... I have some major revelation.
39:26 Dax Shepard? You know, I was just talking to a friend who has just started it. And I said, one of the most powerful elements of it is just hearing yourself say out loud, the thing that's been ruminating in your head and how different it sounds. Once it's out into the world, you gain perspective immediately just by hearing yourself say it.
39:41 Speaker 01 Yeah, you do.
39:41 Dax Shepard? If you've been waiting to start therapy, BetterHelp works with more than 125 health plan networks and eligible members have an average copay of just $23 per session with insurance. Don't have insurance or live outside the U.S.? You can still get 10% off your first month. Do yourself a favor and just try it. Future you will be grateful. Visit betterhelp.com/tax to explore your payment options. That's better H E L P dot com slash tax. We get support from our sponsor, Lilly. For adults with obesity or with excess weight and weight related medical problems, it's time to find out about Foundo or for Glibron. Foundo is a once daily prescription GLP-1 medicine used with a reduced calorie diet
40:25 Dax Shepard? and increased physical activity to help adults with obesity or some adults with overweight who also have weight related medical problems to lose excess body weight and keep the weight off.
40:35 Speaker 06 Foundo should not be used with other GLP-1 receptor agonist medicines. It is not known if Foundo is safe and effective for use in children. Don't take Foundo if you're allergic to it or if you or someone in your family had majorary thyroid cancer or multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type two. Stop and call your doctor right away if you have an allergic reaction, a lump or swelling in your neck or severe stomach pain. Serious side effects may include inflamed pancreas and gallbladder problems. Tell your doctor if you experience vision changes. If you're nursing, pregnant, plant to be, or taking birth control pills and before scheduled procedures with anesthesia. Taking Foundo with an insulin or sulfonylurea may cause low blood sugar. Side effects include diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting, which can cause dehydration and may cause kidney problems. Once daily Foundo is available by prescription only in 0.8 milligram, 2.5 milligram, 5.5
41:20 Speaker 06 milligram, 9 milligram, 14.5 milligram, and 17.2 milligram tablets. Learn more at foundo.lilly.com or call 1-800-LILY-RX. Now is perfect to talk to your doctor about Foundo.
41:39 Speaker 05 So I go down the stairs as fast as I can. I'm like prairie dog in the hallway. Please do not let me shit in this swimsuit. It will ruin the whole day. I get to the bathroom. We walk in and it is like a watery grave in there. They have not taken care of the floors.
41:55 Dax Shepard? No.
41:56 Speaker 01 Disgusting.
41:56 Speaker 05 It's crazy. So I'm carefully trying to get to the stall. But at that time, and you may remember this, really it wasn't style was these like foam wedge shoes that were kind of like flip flops, which I wore. My husband is six, five. I'm five, seven, kind of always trying to be a little taller. I have that on. I have a cover up and a full piece bathing suit. You guys, I get to the stall. I lock the door. I'm like, God.
42:20 Dax Shepard? You consider just pulling it to the side because what a panic. Like, I feel like having to get out of a one piece versus just pull it to the side.
42:27 Speaker 05 I actually had that thought and I was like, if I get shit on myself, I will gag.
42:31 Dax Shepard? Yeah, okay.
42:32 Speaker 05 I can't do it.
42:33 Dax Shepard? Okay, you're sensitive to this whole.
42:35 Speaker 01 Also, yeah, it does run the risk of it getting more places.
42:38 Speaker 05 Yeah. And you want to be clean. So took it off, sit down like, thank God. Did what I needed to do.
42:44 Dax Shepard? Yeah. Really quick. I do need a little more detail, unfortunately.
42:48 Speaker 05 I love this.
42:48 Dax Shepard? Do you think all the motion of the day? Did you drink some pool water? Had you eaten something dicey? Was it a flu? How do we explain this?
42:56 Speaker 05 I think it was what I chose to eat mixed with an alcoholic beverage. It doesn't take me a lot.
43:01 Dax Shepard? Okay.
43:01 Speaker 05 One drink, I'm done. So it's time to lean in. Now let's talk about the size. Okay. I want to get a clean wipe, guys. I have a long torso, short arms. So I am now on my tiptoes, leaning forward, go to get a great wipe, you guys. When I do, I slip.
43:17 Dax Shepard? No.
43:19 Speaker 05 Oh, it gets worse.
43:21 Dax Shepard? Yeah. And you're bare naked.
43:22 Speaker 05 Bare naked, okay, but behind a stall.
43:24 Dax Shepard? Oh, there's nothing grosser to me in the world than a wet fucking bathroom floor. When you go to a public pool or a campground, it is the worst.
43:34 Speaker 05 It is disgusting. So I'm on my knees in a prayer, but my legs are wide open as the universe would have it. There is a woman walking on the other side of the stall who falls.
43:45 Speaker 01 No.
43:46 Speaker 05 Blood on her back.
43:47 Dax Shepard? No.
43:48 Speaker 05 Her foot comes up underneath my stall and her toes go into my vagina.
43:53 Speaker 01 No.
43:54 Dax Shepard? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. What the fuck?
43:59 Speaker 05 I swear to God.
44:02 Dax Shepard? What timing? She was barefoot in the bathroom.
44:08 Speaker 05 She knows what she touched. I know what she's touching. And we're in shock. I'm getting up and I'm like, um, are you okay? Yeah, are you okay? We're just talking through the door. He leaves and I'm like, I don't even fucking know what just happened.
44:22 Dax Shepard? Yeah, I would go to the car if I were you. That'd be a rap on the day for me. I just almost shit my suit. I fell on a wet floor. A stranger's toes went in my vagina. I mean, this is, this is impossible.
44:34 Speaker 05 It is impossible. And so I do what I need to do. I clean up. I get my suit back on. I'm like, I'm not coming out of this stall. Like, I don't want to see her. I need her to be like far, far, far away from the bathroom. And all of a sudden I hear, ma'am, we're gonna need you to come out the other party and you need to fill out an incident report. And I was like, oh no. I was like, I'm good. I don't need to fall. Yeah, for liability reasons, you need to fill out an incident report.
44:59 Dax Shepard? Oh, you gotta be on record, a paper trail of this?
45:03 Speaker 05 Out I come. I see the lady, basically I just had sexual relations with.
45:08 Dax Shepard? What kind of gal was she? What age was she?
45:11 Speaker 05 In her 40s, I would guess.
45:12 Dax Shepard? Okay, a little older. Okay.
45:14 Speaker 05 She had her whole crew there. I was so low. I had to tell my story. She has to tell her story. I finally get out of the bathroom. 30 minutes. My family is waiting for me. My husband is like, what the hell happened? He was like, you look traumatized. I was like, fucking think? I tell him, he dies laughing. But instead of comforting me, he said, oh my God, I hope she didn't have athlete's feet.
45:40 Dax Shepard? Ew, I know. It crossed my mind as a guy. I didn't say it.
45:44 Speaker 05 I'm already concerned about a possible yeast infection.
45:46 Speaker 01 I was about to say UTI.
45:48 Speaker 05 Right. I had him swear to secrecy that day. Do not ever, ever tell this story. It took him about three years and we were at like a cookout on July 4th.
45:57 Dax Shepard? And he's all tipsy.
45:58 Speaker 05 Yeah, he's like, hey guys, Yudi wants to tell you a water park story. That was in 2016 and it has been told so many times. I hope the lady whose foot went in my vagina hears this and calls you.
46:09 Dax Shepard? What could be better? Like, we have one last caller. From Madison, it could be.
46:13 Speaker 01 I mean, I hope.
46:14 Dax Shepard? Uh, fingers, toes cross.
46:16 Speaker 05 Please message me back. We started off on the wrong foot, I guess. Have a nice little date or something.
46:22 Speaker 01 That's insane.
46:23 Dax Shepard? I don't know how I would recover. Honest to God, the foot in the vagina to me is so secondary to being on the wet ground, naked in a bathroom.
46:30 Speaker 01 It's mixed in that she was on it.
46:32 Dax Shepard? Her feet were in that water.
46:33 Speaker 05 Her feet were on it. What are the chances? Hence, the title of, when I wrote in, I was like, I was towed at a water park. But it's like, how does that happen? I have tried to figure out just how in the world the timing.
46:47 Dax Shepard? It might be a glitch in the sim.
46:48 Speaker 01 It does. It sounds like something impossible, like a true glitch.
46:53 Dax Shepard? A true glitch, yeah.
46:54 Speaker 01 They happen sometimes.
46:55 Dax Shepard? CPU overheated.
46:56 Speaker 01 My dad, I'll talk to him about this.
46:59 Dax Shepard? Your kids, were they aware of the story?
47:01 Speaker 05 Not at that age, but as I got older, they did. And it's been repeated. I meet my daughter's adult friends and they're like, can you please tell the water park story?
47:09 Dax Shepard? Well, they owe you. You didn't want to go to the water park. You went and then you got footed.
47:15 Speaker 05 I got towed.
47:17 Speaker 01 Wow.
47:18 Dax Shepard? Oh, wow. What a banger. That's fantastic. You know, we thought we were getting water parking. It was unauthorized evacuation.
47:23 Speaker 01 Yeah.
47:24 Dax Shepard? Slip and fall. Tell us about a time you got a stranger's foot in your vagina.
47:28 Speaker 05 It was the first time I'd ever had a foot in my vagina.
47:30 Speaker 01 Wow.
47:31 Dax Shepard? Wow.
47:32 Speaker 01 What if you ended up really liking it and then it started becoming a kink?
47:36 Speaker 05 Oh, man. Part two, part two.
47:38 Speaker 01 Yeah, exactly.
47:39 Dax Shepard? Oh, well, it's a delight to meet you.
47:41 Speaker 05 Hey, great to meet you guys. Thanks for having me.
47:43 Dax Shepard? You're clearly a lot of fun. I'm happy for your kids. They got clearly a very fun mom.
47:47 Speaker 05 We like to have fun. My husband's not too bad either.
47:50 Dax Shepard? Six, five, he's got no choice. You can't be a wallflower at six, five. You gotta own it.
47:54 Speaker 05 He owns it. Monica, your podcast, Beth's Dead, best thing ever. Just wanted to tell you that.
48:00 Speaker 01 So happy you liked it.
48:01 Dax Shepard? It was the best thing ever.
48:04 Speaker 01 Thank you for listening.
48:07 Dax Shepard? Send our love to your family. All right.
48:09 Speaker 01 Bye.
48:09 Dax Shepard? Great meeting you.
48:10 Speaker 05 Great to meet you guys.
48:12 Speaker 03 Hi.
48:13 Dax Shepard? Hi, is this Madison?
48:14 Speaker 03 It is. Can you hear me okay?
48:16 Dax Shepard? Yes, how did you pick Madison?
48:18 Speaker 03 It's an ode to a good friend and I hope she appreciates it.
48:21 Speaker 01 Oh, that's sweet.
48:23 Dax Shepard? Where are you at?
48:24 Speaker 03 I am in Massachusetts.
48:26 Dax Shepard? Great, that's our second one today.
48:30 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah, you wonder if it's the same water park. I wouldn't be surprised.
48:34 Dax Shepard? What was the name of this one?
48:36 Speaker 03 This is called Water Whiz on Cape Cod.
48:38 Dax Shepard? No, no, that's new. This is novel. Okay, set the scene for us. What year is it? Walk us through it.
48:44 Speaker 03 All right, the year is 2007 and I'm an awkward 15-year-old girl, which is really crucial to this story. So I was at Water Whiz near Cape Cod with my best friend and her family and I was wearing this like cutesy bikini and in the middle of the water park is this giant black enclosed slide. It's like at least 50 feet tall. It's known for giving notorious wedgies. And if you've ever seen the movie Grown Ups with Adam Sandler, then like you've seen it.
49:16 Dax Shepard? Okay, okay. And this one, you're in an entirely enclosed tube, right? And you're flying, turning, and then the fiberglass with the seams are cutting your back.
49:25 Speaker 03 All of the above.
49:26 Speaker 01 Are you on a mat?
49:27 Speaker 03 Nope, straight body down. And there's always like teenage boys, you know, at the bottom looking to sneak a peek of someone's butt cheek because the wedgies are part of the ride.
49:38 Dax Shepard? Also, people are probably losing their tops occasionally.
49:41 Speaker 03 Absolutely.
49:42 Speaker 01 Also, some people just take them off in there.
49:44 Dax Shepard? Well, maybe.
49:47 Speaker 03 Okay, so I go plummeting down this slide and I get more than just the wedgie I bargained for. I get to the bottom and I immediately know something's wrong because I have this intense pain in the bottom area of my bathing suit and I can barely stand up.
50:04 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
50:05 Dax Shepard? Okay, now really quick, is the pain in your butt or your vagina?
50:09 Speaker 03 So that's the to be determined.
50:12 Speaker 04 So I go to the bathroom and there's like some blood.
50:14 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
50:17 Dax Shepard? Monica's very sensitive of these vagina stories, like the woman who fell in the movies.
50:21 Speaker 01 I know, I think about it all the time.
50:23 Speaker 04 Being fifteen is really like a crucial part of this story. And I had no idea what was happening, just like this general throb. And I was like a very inexperienced fifteen year old girl at the time. So I laughed to my friend and tell her that I popped my cherry.
50:40 Dax Shepard? Okay, sure, sure.
50:42 Speaker 04 And we're just like convinced, because when you're fifteen, you hear it can happen like riding a horse or like other things. So I was like, this is my experience. It happened on Pirates Plunge.
50:53 Speaker 04 So I tell nobody except her. This is like our little secret that I popped my cherry on Pirates Plunge at Water Whiz.
50:59 Dax Shepard? Really quick, Madison, does the bleeding stopped? Or did you have to put like a bird's nest of toilet paper in there? Where were we at with the bleeding?
51:07 Speaker 04 I definitely put some toilet paper in there, but it's not like a heavy bleed.
51:11 Dax Shepard? Okay.
51:12 Speaker 04 At the time. So I tell obviously no one. And days later, I can tell that it's definitely my asshole that's hurting.
51:18 Speaker 01 Oh, boy. You popped a different cherry.
51:22 Speaker 04 As a fifteen year old girl, I don't just go home and tell my mom like, oh, my butt hurts.
51:27 Speaker 01 Never, I would never.
51:28 Speaker 04 Exactly, like not something you do. So days go by, weeks go by, and I'm in excruciating pain. And in the meantime, I'm going to school, I'm dancing, I climbed the Statue of Liberty.
51:45 Dax Shepard? Oh. Wait a minute, how does one climb the Statue of Liberty?
51:50 Speaker 04 You could, you used to be able to do that.
51:52 Speaker 01 Yeah, there were stairs.
51:53 Speaker 04 So I resorted at this point to only going to the bathroom at my own house because I would literally need to bite on my family's hand towels that were hanging next to the toilet because of how much pain I was in.
52:08 Dax Shepard? And would you bleed every time you had a bowel movement?
52:10 Speaker 04 Not really, probably like streaky, but like not like heavy. Finally, after like shitting myself, I just. decide I tell my mom that something is going on. It's the end of November at this point, and this had happened in middle of July.
52:25 Dax Shepard? Oh my.
52:26 Speaker 01 You are a trooper. And also, we just need to be able to talk to our moms.
52:31 Dax Shepard? I know.
52:31 Speaker 04 Since giving birth, I would say this topped it. Imagine the feeling of like acid pee on an open wound.
52:38 Speaker 01 No.
52:39 Speaker 04 Absolutely horrible pain. Anyways, my mom ends up bringing me to like my family pediatrician and I, at this point, won't let anybody like touch me or like do like an internal or external exam. So they tell my mom that it's like most likely a hemorrhoid. And after several more weeks of no relief from like this over the counter hemorrhoid cream, that they kept saying, oh, it's gonna take time. And I'm like, well, don't you think slowly over time, it should be like getting better? So at this point, my mom's like sick of hearing that my pain is like a 10 out of 10. And it doesn't help that I'm the middle child who's kind of like, has the reputation for being the dramatic one, always looking for a little attention. Like my mom's like, what do you mean it's a 10 out of 10?
53:22 Speaker 04 If that's serious, then we're gonna go to Boston Children's Hospital. So I'm like, okay, we do, we got the referral, we go. And during the first visit in Boston, I met with this really amazing doctor, who I would say this was non-consensual, but definitely being a minor, my mom knew what was going down. He told me he was gonna just take a look, but instead he stuck several fingers up my asshole to determine the size of the hole he would be working.
53:53 Speaker 01 Okay.
53:54 Speaker 04 So he determined that I had tore about 80% of my tissue from like an anal fissure and had exposed nerve endings.
54:03 Speaker 01 No, no, no, no, no.
54:07 Speaker 04 They had only seen one injury like this before, and it was someone who actually fell off the back of a jet ski and like had like the water pressure like blown into their butthole, basically.
54:17 Dax Shepard? We interviewed someone that that happened to, yeah.
54:19 Speaker 04 Yeah, so I was like the number two situation for one this bad.
54:22 Speaker 01 Oh.
54:23 Dax Shepard? And what did they do? Do they have to put stitches in there somehow?
54:26 Speaker 04 Yes, but a week later started what ended up being three surgeries to like have to go in and repair all this damage.
54:34 Dax Shepard? Whoa.
54:35 Speaker 04 As a result, I had to be on a no food diet because they had to prevent me from like evacuating to help with the
54:42 Speaker 03 Repair process. I literally was a zoo animal with like a sign on the door that said, "Do not feed."
54:48 Speaker 01 Oh my god.
54:50 Speaker 03 Chip only diet. It was awful.
54:52 Speaker 01 For how long?
54:54 Speaker 03 I believe like three weeks.
54:57 Dax Shepard? We're getting into Christmas now.
54:59 Speaker 03 Yeah. Oh yeah, we're past Christmas. We're starting second semester of high school where I don't return back for second semester and that's kind of where this story goes.
55:08 Speaker 01 This is so severe.
55:09 Dax Shepard? Did the doctor theorize on, had the water ripped the inside of your ass or the fabric hadn't gotten up there or anything?
55:18 Speaker 03 No, it was definitely water pressure damage. It really was not wedgie induced.
55:24 Speaker 01 Yeah.
55:25 Dax Shepard? You never think that you could get that kind of pressure from a water slide. Wow. Okay.
55:29 Speaker 03 I never returned back after Christmas break for second semester and my sister, who is two years older than me at my same high school, returns back to school and she was told by my parents that she was like sworn to secrecy that she couldn't tell anybody what was going on to protect my privacy.
55:47 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
55:47 Speaker 03 So I don't remember exactly what she would tell people, but she was clearly my sister and I don't know if it was that she told people, "I don't know what's going on," or, "I can't tell what's going on," but like it was obviously sketchy. But it turned into like she's in Boston getting help for something.
56:04 Speaker 01 Oh, like psychological?
56:06 Dax Shepard? Oh Jesus, like you were at a rest facility?
56:09 Speaker 03 A bit. So then I finally returned back to school three weeks later. I'm down 20 pounds from this liquid only diet and have to now deal with this rumor that the reason I've been out of school is because I was at treatment for an eating disorder.
56:25 Dax Shepard? Oh yeah, now it looks obvious. Yeah.
56:28 Speaker 01 Wow. Are you like, I'd rather it be that?
56:31 Speaker 03 That's exactly what I was gonna say. The sad part is-
56:34 Speaker 04 Like the fragility of this situation that it was just easier to go along with that than for anybody to know where I really was for the past three weeks.
56:44 Speaker 01 Wow.
56:45 Dax Shepard? How's everything now, Rectally? We're good?
56:48 Speaker 04 Great. We've done like childbirth. We've done other things. We've used it. You know, it's working.
56:53 Speaker 01 And you don't have PTSD when you're doing a number two?
56:56 Speaker 04 I don't now, but I would say for a while it was hard to trust.
57:03 Speaker 01 Yes.
57:04 Speaker 04 There was no stool softener that would make it soft enough, you know, in the beginning.
57:09 Dax Shepard? Oh, boy.
57:10 Speaker 01 Wow. That was a doozy.
57:12 Speaker 04 Before we are done, I need to tell you that I am not a lifelong armchairy. Okay. And a few months ago, my friend Lindsay, who's here with me right now to babysit my two year old while I could come into this fort for 10 minutes. She's here watching him. She, a few months ago, was like, I need you to listen to this podcast because I've been listening to it for the past five years. And every single time I listen to it, I need you to go on there and tell the story of your asshole.
57:46 Speaker 04 In the past four months, I've listened to 80 episodes. Like, I've become strongly addicted.
57:55 Speaker 04 And then a week ago, you post this prompt. What is the chance?
57:59 Speaker 01 We call that sim.
58:01 Dax Shepard? If you listen to the show.
58:02 Speaker 04 I know. I became a fan just in time. She could not be more proud that this has come full circle.
58:11 Dax Shepard? Oh, I'm so delighted. Nice meeting you.
58:14 Speaker 04 Nice meeting you. Bye, guys.
58:15 Dax Shepard? Take care.
58:17 Speaker 01 Wow. I'm kind of shocked in this litigious country we live in that they exist.
58:22 Dax Shepard? Yeah, I'm almost happy. It feels like they couldn't even exist here, but yet they do.
58:26 Speaker 01 Yet they do.
58:27 Dax Shepard? Yeah, some of these huge places, they figure out how to navigate all the liability.
58:31 Speaker 01 I guess you sign a waiver. I bet when you buy the ticket, it's like part of it.
58:35 Dax Shepard? If your asshole tears, don't come knocking.
58:38 Speaker 01 Don't come running to me.
58:39 Dax Shepard? That's your asshole's fault, not ours.
58:41 Speaker 01 Oh, blood. I hate when there's, okay, I just really don't like when there's random blood.
58:47 Speaker 07 Should we do a blood prompt?
58:49 Speaker 01 No, I'm good. Accidental blood stories.
58:52 Dax Shepard? Tell us about a time there was blood in your toilet.
58:56 Dax Shepard? All right. Love you.
59:00 Dax Shepard? Do you wanna sing a tune or something? We know the theme song. Oh. Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fire, rhyme dish. On the fire, rhyme dish. Enjoy.
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