Nikki Glaser Returns

Nikki Glaser (Good Girl, Golden Globes, Alive and Unwell Tour) is an Emmy, Grammy, and Golden Globe-nominated comedian and television host. Nikki returns to the Armchair Expert to discuss not wanting to miss out on something because she’s afraid of looking stupid, why she wants another shot at Dancing with the Stars, and receiving self esteem from helping out. Nikki and Dax talk about pulling up to Hollywood tour buses to give them a little thrill, being so out of the loop as a result of comment sobriety, and her take on online incel culture. Nikki explains how being a hater can provide a form of bonding, why she doesn’t actually want people to watch her specials, and the pressure of aesthetic expectations attached to having money as a woman in entertainment. Take printer ink off your to-do list with HP Smart Tank | hp.com/SmartTank Check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds: https://www.allstate.com/ See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dax Shepard?

  Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dan Shepard and I'm joined by Lily Padman.

• 0:05Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 0:05Dax Shepard?

  We have a returning guest, Nikki Glaser, an award nominated stand-up comedian and actor, hosted, of course, the 25 and 26 Golden Globe Awards, expertly, The Roast of Tom Brady, Someday You'll Die, F-Boy Island, Not Safe with Nikki Glaser, and she has a new comedy special out that I watched that is hilarious on Hulu, April 24th, Nikki Glaser, Good Girl.

• 0:32Speaker 01

  Oh, she is a good girl. We love her.

• 0:35Dax Shepard?

  She's us guys. She's.

• 0:37Speaker 01

  She might get an award this year, one of the cool guys, sexy, sexy man.

• 0:42Dax Shepard?

  She might get sexy.

• 0:43Speaker 01

  Best boy, cool guy, you know, she's up for it.

• 0:45Dax Shepard?

  We're gonna find out. Please enjoy Nikki Glaser. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you've thought about trying therapy with our long-term partner, BetterHelp, insurance options may now be available nationwide with an average copay for eligible members of just $23 per session. October 10th is World Mental Health Day, but you don't need a day on the calendar to give yourself permission to talk to someone. I've been in therapy for a long time and the stuff rattling around in my head always just quiets down the second I say it out loud. And it doesn't have to be some big life crisis. Maybe it's a work thing that's taking up too much space, or hard relationship moment, or just a feeling that something's off. That's enough. That's worth talking about.

• 1:26Speaker 01

  You know, I love therapy more than anything. Gets me through. Often I'll want to cancel because I'm like, I don't really have anything to talk about. And then I'll go and I have some major revelation.

• 1:37Dax Shepard?

  You know, I was just talking to a friend who has just started it. And I said, one of the most powerful elements of it is just hearing yourself say out loud the thing that's been ruminating in your head and how different it sounds once it's out into the world. You gain perspective immediately just by hearing yourself say it.

• 1:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, you do.

• 1:53Dax Shepard?

  If you've been waiting to start therapy, BetterHelp works with more than 125 health plan networks and eligible members have an average copay of just $23 per session with insurance. Don't have insurance or live outside the US? You can still get 10% off your first month. Do yourself a favor and just try it. Future you will be grateful. Visit betterhelp.com/dax to explore your payment options. That's better H E L P dot com slash DAX.

• 2:39Dax Shepard?

  First of all, 3:30 hard out. So exciting. Where do we have to be at 3:30?

• 2:43Speaker 02

  It's relaxed. It's like 3:45, 3:50.

• 2:46Dax Shepard?

  But where are you going?

• 2:47Speaker 02

  I'm going to the Jennifer Hudson show.

• 2:49Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay. And what time do they kickoff?

• 2:51Speaker 02

  They kickoff, I think I have to be there to like re-glam and do a changeover and then practice my spirit tunnel dance.

• 2:57Dax Shepard?

  Different wig.

• 2:58Speaker 02

  Different, exactly.

• 2:59Dax Shepard?

  Remove the lace front, put in a new one.

• 3:01Speaker 02

  Yo, you know all the words. No, these extensions are staying in.

• 3:07Dax Shepard?

  Have you done Jennifer Hudson before?

• 3:08Speaker 02

  No, I've been dreading being asked to do it because of that damn spirit tunnel.

• 3:13Speaker 01

  And you know Nikki had a whole sketch on SNL about the spirit tunnel. So there's layers upon layers.

• 3:19Speaker 02

  Yes. So the spirit tunnel, it's the big draw of the show. It gets more views than anything, any other daytime talk show.

• 3:25Speaker 01

  It's huge.

• 3:25Speaker 02

  Online, is these clips before you go on, you walk out of your green room into the hallway and all the producers are on the sides and they're all clapping and doing a song that they wrote about you. It's like personalized song.

• 3:37Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow.

• 3:37Speaker 02

  And you have to walk through it and like do a dance and some people just nail it.

• 3:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, like Ken Badgley.

• 3:43Speaker 02

  Oh, exactly. That's who I'm thinking of.

• 3:45Dax Shepard?

  Oh, you watch it over and over again?

• 3:46Speaker 02

  So good. I watched Brittany Snow's today and she was like so perfect. Wasn't trying too hard, but still like looked good. I just have a lot of anxiety. I like have practiced some things, because here's the thing, you know, when you go into SNL, I didn't want to bring in any like fully formed sketches, but I was like, I had some ideas and my idea was a pharmaceutical ad for a pill you take that helps you deal with the anxiety and depression you face ahead of a Jennifer Hudson spirit tunnel. You know, are you feeling depressed? Are you not enjoying the things you once loved? It's like me staring out of a window with rain and just, you know, a typical pharmaceutical ad. And then it's like, have you recently been booked on the Jennifer Hudson show? And so it's this drug you take that, if so, take this drug and it will make you so sick that you have to cancel.

• 4:23Dax Shepard?

  Oh, that's a great drug.

• 4:26Speaker 02

  It was really from watching those being like, I'm so glad they haven't asked me to do it because I would probably say yes, because I don't like missing out on things that could be fun because I'm scared of looking stupid.

• 4:36Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 4:36Speaker 02

  And so I force myself to do it and then I'm dreading it. The dread ages me. I feel like I lose years of my life with the anxiety ahead of it.

• 4:43Dax Shepard?

  How was your sleep last night? Was it troubled?

• 4:45Speaker 02

  Not great. You know, like actually it was troubled like in the morning as I was waking up, I woke up instantly with this dread.

• 4:50Dax Shepard?

  I gotta dance in the tunnel today.

• 4:52Speaker 02

  And then it's gonna stay online forever.

• 4:53Dax Shepard?

  Cause let's really break it down. I go, yeah, dancing. I'm very comfortable dancing. That part's fine. But what will my face be doing?

• 5:00Speaker 02

  Oh, I haven't even thought about face.

• 5:01Dax Shepard?

  What's my face gonna be doing? And my body knows what to do if it hears music, but what is my face doing?

• 5:06Speaker 02

  I'm getting secondhand airs to my anxiety. I didn't even consider face.

• 5:10Dax Shepard?

  I'm gonna be the personification of that pill.

• 5:12Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 5:13Dax Shepard?

  Secondly, here would be my real issue with it. And this overlaps with something that happens on sets, which is when the actor wraps at the end of a production, they go, let's hear it for so and so. And all these people who've actually been working, carrying cable and building fucking C stands, they have to clap for you because you got the most amount of money and you worked the least amount.

• 5:34Speaker 02

  It's humiliating.

• 5:34Dax Shepard?

  I hate it.

• 5:35Speaker 02

  I just wrapped my first movie ever and it went through that. And I was like, it was seven o'clock in the morning. We had done all night shoots for the past two weeks. I was like, everyone wants to go home. We're in Vegas.

• 5:43Dax Shepard?

  And they gotta stand and clap for you.

• 5:45Speaker 02

  And then it's like, speech. I'm like, no one wants to hear me talk.

• 5:48Dax Shepard?

  You were at least the lead, right?

• 5:49Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 5:50Dax Shepard?

  I just did like four episodes of a show and I was barely there and they clapped me out. I was like, I'm so embarrassed to have you all have to stop and do this. I did the least amount that anyone here did.

• 5:59Speaker 02

  Do you sense that the crew resents the stars? Or do you think that they're so used to it that it's almost like we are being selfish and thinking that they're even thinking that way about us? Or maybe they actually are like, well, we couldn't do this without you.

• 6:12Dax Shepard?

  Like all things, I don't think it's either or. I think there's a spectrum. So yeah, some of the actors, like Peter Krause is the most loved actor by, they genuinely, he's going to baseball games with guys who do crafts. So like, so when they click, they're like, fuck yeah, my buddy Peter, who's so great to me.

• 6:27Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 6:28Dax Shepard?

  I'd say that's the exception. Most of the time like, oh, this guy who's already fucking arrogant. We're gonna clap for this guy.

• 6:34Speaker 02

  Yes. I hope they sense that we understand how ridiculous it is.

• 6:38Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. You want the Germans to know like, he doesn't represent me. It's that same kind of, do you know? It's clear, right?

• 6:45Speaker 02

  Perfect comparison.

• 6:47Speaker 02

  Freezer. Just nail on the head metaphor.

• 6:49Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 6:49Speaker 02

  No, but you're right. A lot of times on set, there's always a chair for you as the star, but there's not a chair for anyone else who might not have to be standing right now. And they all have to stand. I just don't sit because that just feels ridiculous to me.

• 7:00Dax Shepard?

  Okay. So back to this beer tunnel. So rung three on the panic thing for me would be like, these people that don't know who I am, having to clap and sing for me.

• 7:08Speaker 02

  But they're on camera and I think they like it. They do love it.

• 7:11Dax Shepard?

  Great, great.

• 7:11Speaker 02

  And they've come up with a song and I think because they're on camera, and maybe not all of them like to be on camera. I don't like to assume that everyone enjoys that. It's like they get a little glory in it. Yeah.

• 7:20Dax Shepard?

  What are we talking about?

• 7:21Speaker 02

  Isn't it funny? When I first got in this business, or I guess it started in high school of being like, I want to be on TV someday or I want to be famous. And my friends were just like, I have no interest in that. I would just be like, how? It would be like hearing someone say, I don't like food or I don't like music.

• 7:33Dax Shepard?

  I wouldn't want to win the lottery.

• 7:34Speaker 02

  Yes, but some people don't want the spotlight at all. They don't, my friends don't even want to get married because they're like, I don't want to have everyone watch me walk down the aisle.

• 7:42Dax Shepard?

  That's fair. But how about if you offered it this way? You go, no, I'm talking 50s movie star. Like you just are adored from afar. And you don't actually have to feel the eyes. Don't you want the world to adore you?

• 7:53Speaker 02

  I think some people don't care about strangers liking them.

• 7:55Dax Shepard?

  Oh, healthy.

• 7:55Speaker 02

  And that is healthy and I don't understand it and I may never.

• 7:59Dax Shepard?

  Well, let me ask you this. I have improved on that. Have you improved or where are you at in your cycle?

• 8:04Speaker 02

  Thinking back when I used to say like, I want to be famous. That doesn't resonate with me anymore. I hate the whole story of like, guys, I'm famous. It's not what you think. It's really bad. I don't like that kind of narrative, but it is kind of true. It's not that it's bad. I really love it. You get so many perks, but I used to always as a child dream of going to a restaurant and having people like, is that Nikki Glaser? I would die for that. And now that makes me not uncomfortable. Like I want privacy. It's just, I know I don't deserve that. Please stop. This is embarrassing for me because I know that I can't live up to what you think it is. I don't like the attention in that way because I've had a big kind of couple of years.

• 8:36Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, but come on.

• 8:37Speaker 02

  And you know, even hugely famous people are like, you're famous right now. Like you're killing it.

• 8:42Dax Shepard?

  What can I tell you? My wife just said to me, I said I was interviewing you to my 12 year old, soon to be 13 year old daughter. Two different times. She's like, you're interviewing Nikki Glaser this week? And I went, yeah. And then so Kristen said to me, she goes, you know, Lincoln has brought up to me like two or three times that you're interviewing Nikki Glaser. And I'm trying to compute what she's consuming.

• 9:01Speaker 02

  Where she gets that from?

• 9:02Dax Shepard?

  The stand up. And I go, well, honey, she watched the Golden Globes because we were there and she's the host of this fucking thing.

• 9:08Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 9:09Dax Shepard?

  And she's a comedian and she's a female and you don't get to see a lot of those. And she's like, yeah, I guess that's it. I was just wondering.

• 9:15Speaker 02

  Please ask her. I would love to know where I'm hitting that demo.

• 9:18Dax Shepard?

  She's pretty goddamn animated by the fact that you're here this week.

• 9:22Speaker 02

  That is so heartening.

• 9:23Dax Shepard?

  She really doesn't care for most people that are here.

• 9:25Speaker 02

  She also loves SNL, so maybe she's. Yeah, SNL young kids watch that. That's why I say yes to so many different things is because you want to be able to reach all the different demos. You never know where people are going to see you, but that means so much to me. But back to Jennifer Hudson. I also was just dancing. Are you a dancer? Do you like dancing? No. Like at a party? I'm like half dancing. I'm too afraid to go all out. Where everyone would be watching you and you're the only one dancing, isn't that?

• 9:51Dax Shepard?

  Like a circle?

• 9:52Speaker 02

  No.

• 9:53Dax Shepard?

  Go Monica, it's your birthday.

• 9:55Speaker 02

  Literally my. Kill me. Literally my house. Hell. No. Like when people at a wedding are like clearing out the floor because they want to do the worm or something like that is so humiliating to me. I know. And I was voted off Dancing with the Stars first when I did that show and I knew I couldn't dance when I signed up for it, but I didn't really know. It was almost like I'd never danced. So I was like, maybe I'm great and I'll find out. And I didn't even try to do anything before I showed up the first day. So I walk in and my partner is just, you know, the stunning man, Gleb Sevchenko.

• 10:23Dax Shepard?

  Well, tell me that name again.

• 10:25Speaker 02

  Gleb Sevchenko.

• 10:26Dax Shepard?

  Built for sex.

• 10:27Speaker 02

  He is as hot as his name is disgusting.

• 10:31Speaker 02

  He is one of the most beautiful people I've ever been around where we would go out to get coffee and people would just go, you're so handsome. Like he gets it so much that he's like, yeah, he knows how to handle it, almost like a famous person, but with his beauty.

• 10:42Dax Shepard?

  Is he straight?

• 10:43Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 10:44Dax Shepard?

  How are you feeling around him?

• 10:45Speaker 02

  So terrified to do the show. I just love being around beautiful people and he's so beautiful that it's not even registering. I could get this guy and he's married, but even if he weren't.

• 10:53Dax Shepard?

  It almost makes you more confident.

• 10:54Speaker 02

  It makes me calmer.

• 10:55Dax Shepard?

  You've ruled him out.

• 10:56Speaker 02

  It's like being with a gay guy. Like, he's not looking at me as a sexual object because I'm not in any kind of realm.

• 11:02Dax Shepard?

  I've noticed this arc with Monica. It's like, she can be so cocky with Brad Pitt. Immediately confident.

• 11:09Speaker 02

  He's not an option.

• 11:09Dax Shepard?

  Cause she's just like, who am I kidding?

• 11:11Speaker 02

  He's not considering me. Yes. You don't have to be nervous around him. There's nothing to lose because you've already lost. There's nothing to stick. Yeah.

• 11:17Dax Shepard?

  Then there's a guy that there could be a love connection. I'm like, bring that Brad Pitt energy.

• 11:22Speaker 02

  No, you can't. No. Oh, I'm horrible around anyone I could actually have potential with? Yes, thank you. I can't look at them. I'm really quiet. They always think I hate them. Right. And I'm so bad at flirting. But, so I walked in and I saw his eyes light up because he didn't know who I was, but you could see he was like, this looks like a dancer. I have like a ballerina type kind of like, at the time I was really, really thin.

• 11:41Dax Shepard?

  When you're stationary, you're very elegant.

• 11:43Speaker 02

  Totally. When I in a still photo.

• 11:47Dax Shepard?

  You look so graceful.

• 11:48Speaker 02

  With a very high shutter speed. I am so graceful. And I could see him like, okay. Cause he's never won the show and he doesn't know who his partner's gonna be. It's kind of revealed. We walk in and meet like a love is blind. Like, ugh. For the cameras, we just had to do a little thing.

• 12:01Dax Shepard?

  Ooh, cha cha cha.

• 12:02Speaker 02

  The smallest thing. And I saw the hope drain from his face instantly. Like, he knew before I knew that I could dance.

• 12:10Dax Shepard?

  I got a stinker.

• 12:10Speaker 02

  He was like, we're not gonna make it far. We tried and it didn't go off.

• 12:14Dax Shepard?

  Did they want to make it far? Did they get paid more? Like, are they incentivized to go to the?

• 12:17Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. You know, more screen time, more character development. You know, they're building a brand. And he deserves to go far. He was so great. But it was one of the most humiliating moments of my life is getting voted off that show first.

• 12:28Dax Shepard?

  Even though you had told yourself you didn't care?

• 12:30Speaker 02

  I did care. And they kind of warp your mind in there because you don't do anything except dance. Your whole life clears out.

• 12:37Dax Shepard?

  They love bomb you.

• 12:38Speaker 02

  Yes. And in more ways than one. Like, I got love bombed on that show aggressively. And then when I got voted off, I was crying to my friends like. I just like miss dancing. Like I'm a dancer and they're like, what the hell? I can never dance in your life because it's all you do for a month for like five hours a day. I miss dancing. And if you kind of get the hang of it and I'm like, if I work hard at something, I can get good. So I was just about to get past the place of, I can kind of get a grasp on this.

• 13:02Dax Shepard?

  Can you quantify it for me? If you started at what number out of 10 and where did you land out of 10?

• 13:06Speaker 02

  Zero to 2.1.

• 13:08Dax Shepard?

  But that's a huge improvement.

• 13:10Speaker 02

  A 10 being like, okay.

• 13:12Dax Shepard?

  Okay, passable.

• 13:13Speaker 02

  You know, I could put on a dance that would entertain people.

• 13:16Dax Shepard?

  Like if you got married and you did this dance at your wedding?

• 13:18Speaker 02

  It would impress people. And I think that's what Dancing with the Stars should be about is, you know, obviously you have the really good dancers or figure skaters or people who grew up dancing, killing it. But then you have the people that are so bad at it. Andy Richter went so far this year and he was a terrible dancer. You get to see him actually kind of get the hang of it by the fourth dance. And you start to pick up on stuff and have fun and character development. And that was the other thing that hurt about it was that it wasn't about just getting voted off because you're a bad dancer, which was a part of it. It's about ABC is developing talent and they're like, do we want to work with you? Does our audience like you?

• 13:48Dax Shepard?

  Who are they responding to?

• 13:49Speaker 02

  It was kind of like a rejection from America because America votes ABC as a corporation and the dancing community. And so when I was plucked out of there.

• 13:58Dax Shepard?

  The dancing community at large.

• 14:00Speaker 02

  And they forgot to invite me to the finale where they have everyone back. Just didn't get an invite. I had to talk to my friend who was still in it and be like, can I be your plus one? And they were like, oh yeah, come back.

• 14:09Dax Shepard?

  Wait, Nikki, what year was this?

• 14:11Speaker 02

  2018. Oh, it was a while ago.

• 14:14Dax Shepard?

  Eight years ago.

• 14:15Speaker 02

  Today they're upset. Well, I would love to get back in there. If they did a Dancing with the Stars losers season where it was all people who got voted off first or second.

• 14:23Dax Shepard?

  First round losers.

• 14:24Speaker 02

  I would definitely do it again. It was so fun, but you know, I was crying every day, broke my body. Like I still have injuries from it. It was so fun to care about something so trivial and to like try something new and see, oh, I think I kind of am getting good at this thing I had no ability at. It was awesome.

• 14:39Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. How long were you sad about it? How long did the depression last?

• 14:43Speaker 02

  A month or so. I was kind of embarrassed and then embarrassed to be around comedians who were already like, you're doing Dancing with the Stars. And you go, yeah, and I'm going to show you, I'm going to have fun and I'm going to have a good appearance, even if I'm bad. And then they're like, no, you didn't. It was really helpful to me because I really. That that was like the most embarrassing thing that could happen on the show after my first dance. They kind of tell you the whole show is about believing in yourself. And so after you finish the dance, as long as you don't fall, be like, I did it. I'm a dancer, say something like that. They're kind of telling you be family friendly and positive. And so I finished this dance and they're like, how do you feel? You know, Tom Bergeron and I'm like, I'm a dancer. And I said it sarcastically because I don't really, but I was like, I guess I'm a dancer, Tom. And then Len Goodman, the like mean judge was like, no, you are not.

• 15:27Speaker 02

  You look like a struggling baby horse, like so mean. And I was just like, oh, and I looked so stupid to be like, I'm a dancer. They took it seriously. It was so embarrassing. This is.

• 15:38Dax Shepard?

  But the gift, you lived.

• 15:39Speaker 02

  I lived and it doesn't matter. And it's a funny story now. Now you have a story. Yes. After that, I was like, say yes to anything because I was not going to do it because I'm like, I can't dance. There's nothing scarier to me than dancing in front of people. But I was like, I'm going to be 50 and I know the person I want to be at 50 is going to be like, I would do Dancing with the Stars. I plan on being that woman who's like, who cares? And when I'm 50 and they ask me to do the show, my body's not going to be able to move as well. So just do it now and be the person you want to be and like, do something fun and just never turn down something because you're scared of looking dumb or cringe.

• 16:09Dax Shepard?

  But you will not get to that mental state without doing it. You can't just land there. You've got to go embarrass yourself.

• 16:18Speaker 02

  You have to.

• 16:18Dax Shepard?

  You wake up two months later and you're like, oh yeah, and that's over and I lived. I don't know about that.

• 16:22Speaker 02

  It was funny immediately.

• 16:23Dax Shepard?

  You were on Dancing with the Stars.

• 16:24Speaker 02

  Exactly. No one cares. It's something that I can bring up and it's just a fun. I did the masked singer. You did the masked singer too? Oh my god. I really recommend that. If they offer it to you, do it. It's not a heavy lift. Okay, do it.

• 16:36Dax Shepard?

  Don't think about it.

• 16:37Speaker 02

  Even if you're a bad singer, do it because you're only you on the show for 10 seconds. When you take the mask off, no one goes, oh, that was her singing those last. They don't connect it. So you are just a piece of bread or an avocado. Were you a sushi roll? I was a snowflake. Oh, that's cute. And you don't have to dance because your costume is so cumbersome. So it's not forced to learn any choreo and you just sing a dumb song and you're allowed to be bad. And it's kind of freeing.

• 17:01Dax Shepard?

  And the people guess who's in there?

• 17:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:03Dax Shepard?

  Who are they guessing?

• 17:03Speaker 02

  Like Michelle Obama.

• 17:05Dax Shepard?

  Wow, that's flattering.

• 17:07Speaker 02

  Not me.

• 17:08Dax Shepard?

  No, I mean.

• 17:09Speaker 02

  No, they guessed like Sabrina Carpenter. Like, they didn't really think that I was her. I think the judges are told to guess big so that when it airs, people are like, is it possible? Ariana Grande's? Oh, I see. You know?

• 17:21Dax Shepard?

  And do they get those folks to participate occasionally when the mask comes off? Is it Patti LaBelle or? That's a terrible reference.

• 17:27Speaker 02

  Maybe it's an A-lister when they're in their 60s or 70s. They'll get a big name, but it's always someone that's on the way up or on the way down. Like, I don't think they get A-list talent, but it's still a very popular show and it's really, really fun. I always recommend that one to other celebrities.

• 17:41Dax Shepard?

  This is great. Now, again, I just learned that you're on Dancing with the Stars, but certainly if you and I had met for the first time two weeks after you got kicked off, you'd be convinced I had seen you get embarrassed, right?

• 17:53Speaker 02

  Yes, I would be convinced you knew about it and I would be like, oh, my God, he probably looked up the dances and watched it. The fact that they exist online is so humiliating to me. But you know what? The fact that my stand-up exists online humiliates me and I'm talking about my special that's coming out April 24th on Hulu. Can I be honest? I don't want anyone to watch it. I want it to exist.

• 18:11Dax Shepard?

  Too late, I watched it.

• 18:12Speaker 02

  It's so personal. I put out stand-up specials because that's what you do, but if I could really never put out stand-up, I would just only perform it live for an audience that is not recording it. And if they want to remember anything I said, it's like hearsay that I can always deny that I said what I said. And so when people are like, I watched your special, I change the subject so quick. Or I go, no, why would you do that? You know, Hulu probably wouldn't be having me say names.

• 18:34Dax Shepard?

  Coming to see you live.

• 18:36Speaker 02

  Totally. Not like people I know, like you guys, I'd be like, oh, God, now I have to be really good.

• 18:41Dax Shepard?

  We did a live show in Detroit, which I thought initially was like, oh, this would be so fun coming home. And no, I hated it. So many people I knew were there and I'm like, oh, my God, I'm reminded that I'm just a dude from Milford, Michigan. You did your special in St. Louis.

• 18:53Speaker 02

  I did. I don't know if you do this, but you're projecting that not your loved ones, but maybe your friends from high school or like kind of people you knew just around that are coming to the show are coming to go like, I want to watch him. Not six years. And like, I want to see how bad this actually is. And they're kind of rooting against you. And I got to admit that me thinking that someone would think of about me is coming from a place of, I've thought that before about people I'm jealous of. It's like always what you fear people. Think of you is probably what you have thought before.

• 19:19Dax Shepard?

  Yes, your estimation of others matches perfectly your truth about yourself.

• 19:23Speaker 02

  So I have to admit that I've rooted against people I'm jealous of. So I think they're doing that to me. And which they probably are because it's a very common thing. It doesn't mean you're a bad person. It just means you're insecure. And I recently have let a lot of that go. I really try to root for everyone and force myself to, even though it's going against what I feel. Cause it's just good karma and it's just the right thing to do.

• 19:43Dax Shepard?

  Well, and it rewires your brain if we want to get technical. The contrary, action actually creates a different neural network and you're more prone to use that one. And guess what? Your view of the world's much better and you benefit weirdly. It's not really an extension of kindness to them because you ultimately are the one that will be better.

• 19:59Speaker 02

  I even say that being like, I'm selfish to even practice these things because I'm wanting the karma.

• 20:03Dax Shepard?

  You want relief from suffering.

• 20:05Speaker 02

  Yes, it feels good to me. It's the same way when I give gifts to people or help friends out financially and they're always like, this is so generous. And I go, literally, this is how I get off. I have to tell you, it's kind of selfish of me because I really feel good when I give. And that's not to say hit me up on Venmo strangers, which happens sometimes, but I always am telling people, please let me do this because this is how I get self-esteem. It's helping out. It's more for me. And that sounds like something you just say, but it really is for me.

• 20:31Dax Shepard?

  And then conversely, the thing I wanted to point out about when you're depressed over Dancing with the Stars and we would have met and you would have thought I would have known. What's helpful to me is like, once I linked and not on my own through AA, once I linked that, that self-loathing is as megalomaniacal, as self-aggrandizement.

• 20:48Speaker 02

  Oh, absolutely.

• 20:48Dax Shepard?

  Because you have elevated yourself in a way when you're so embarrassed and you think everyone knows. Like you've made yourself way more important.

• 20:56Speaker 02

  Thinking about you.

• 20:57Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 20:58Speaker 02

  And that's almost more sad.

• 20:59Dax Shepard?

  That's acceptable. Like you don't beat yourself up over that self-indulgence, but you should feel equally guilty about that as aggrandizement.

• 21:06Speaker 02

  And I do. I've been quoting this a lot recently because I don't read comments about myself. I don't read reviews. I don't want feedback about anything I do. Because I can't handle it. I'm too insecure because the good isn't good enough and all of that and the bad is devastating. So I've been sober from any comments or purposeful reading about any critique or take on my work since 2018, I think. I think Dancing with the Stars was when I was like, I'm out.

• 21:28Dax Shepard?

  That was your bottom.

• 21:29Speaker 02

  I don't hear anything good. Either. I think my dad read me one Golden Globes review because I had him read it first. And I said, is there any but? Right. I know it was all good, but if there's a but, don't read it to me. And he was like, there's no but. So he read to me and that was like the first time I had gotten any positive feedback. So I don't read good and I don't read bad. So it's good because when people are like, you're killing it. I'm not reading what they're reading that's telling them that.

• 21:50Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 21:50Speaker 02

  Or I'm not looking at my own Instagram. Sometimes I do look at my Instagram and I'm like, you're fucking gorgeous and killing it and look at you. I'm like, I get jealous of myself sometimes. It's such a lie. I mean, it's always when I have bronzer on my tits. That's the truth. No, but it totally is because it's when I have hair extensions in, it's when I have eyelash extensions. I have a light that costs $1,500 that my assistant.

• 22:11Dax Shepard?

  Well, you just figure out a way to add the but.

• 22:13Speaker 02

  Yes, I do.

• 22:14Dax Shepard?

  I may have said this the first time we interviewed you, but I gotta find it. I'll send it to you. It's from Garrison Keillor and it's this thing he wrote. Remember Garrison Keillor, Prairie Home Companion? And it's his journey with faux humility. I turned down the compliments and I do this and he goes, but in truth, I don't want to just be adored. I want to be a sun god that you worship. The truth is you tell yourself, I want to be on this magazine cover. I want to be in the know. What we want, all of us in a sick ways, we want to be a fucking sun god that people are.

• 22:44Speaker 02

  Literally worshiping.

• 22:46Dax Shepard?

  So there's no satiating.

• 22:47Speaker 02

  But you can't get to be a sun god without so many people hating you too.

• 22:50Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 22:51Speaker 02

  There's no one that's universally adored besides Betty White, I guess, is the closest I can think of.

• 22:57Dax Shepard?

  Tom Hanks, pretty much.

• 22:58Speaker 02

  Even there's some kind of whispers of like, maybe he's not. Yeah, there's gonna be something. He and Betty White are the closest that I can think to just universally adored. Betty White probably wasn't until she was an old lady that no one felt threatened by. Exactly.

• 23:10Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 23:10Speaker 02

  Taylor Swift has insecurity. She doesn't feel like a sun god, you know? Even though she clearly is. That I can think of that kind of worship where her fans, i.e. me. Yeah, same. Won't even say like. This album's my second favorite. It's like, they're all tens. You can rank them, but they're all the best.

• 23:27Speaker 01

  They're all tens.

• 23:27Speaker 02

  But you can't even rank them because that would be sacrilegious.

• 23:30Speaker 01

  I loved your ranking of the songs for this past album.

• 23:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's fun to do.

• 23:35Speaker 01

  I was maybe gonna do it to meet you there, but then I didn't.

• 23:37Speaker 02

  I would have loved to see yours. I love talking about Taylor Swift.

• 23:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, I loved her list. I loved her.

• 23:42Speaker 02

  Oh, thank you. Father Figure.

• 23:44Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, that's my favorite.

• 23:45Speaker 02

  Fate of Ophelia.

• 23:46Speaker 01

  It also grew on me, that album. At first I was like, I don't know. And then I was like, all in.

• 23:50Speaker 02

  The answer to all of this with anything that at first, and I will say it's just music, for me at least, is that I just don't know it yet. That's it. I am never going to love anything from the first listen. I can think of maybe like three songs in my life, maybe more than that, that you shazam because you're like, this is gonna be my favorite song. My favorite songs ever are not that for me. They always grow on me. So I can never listen to an album right away and have a take, ever, ever.

• 24:14Dax Shepard?

  That's the fun of an album. You come for this song and then you stay for these like four others that over time.

• 24:20Speaker 01

  But we live in a world, especially around Taylor Swift, where it's like, five minutes after the album drops, you need an opinion.

• 24:26Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 24:27Speaker 01

  You better have your opinion. Oh, and people have them.

• 24:29Speaker 02

  And they're all like taking it back now because it grew on them and they love it so much. I love to see that happen. And I think she does a really good job of not paying attention to it anymore either. I just worked with Kim Kardashian on this movie and she is someone that is really good at not letting that stuff in. I would mention something to her that I had heard because we became really good friends. And she'd be like, I don't know what you're talking about. And it would be like a thing that was everywhere.

• 24:54Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 24:55Speaker 02

  And it's not even like she's trying to keep it away or has people protecting her. She just doesn't care.

• 25:01Dax Shepard?

  She's not tuned in.

• 25:02Speaker 02

  She obviously cares what people think about her. We all do. But for some reason, I think that it just becomes so much that you have to drown it out. It's like exposure therapy of so many people's opinions about me. If I responded to all of them or let them in, I would be dead. So you just kind of go, mm, I didn't even hear about that. I'm like, the biggest thing, like, I'll tell you after the show what it was. It was something where I was like, I'm so sorry. I just brought that up to you. I thought you would have had to go to intense therapy about that.

• 25:25Speaker 01

  It happened the other day. I ran into somebody and I won't say who, but she was like, how are you guys? Are you guys okay? Meaning us.

• 25:34Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 25:35Speaker 01

  And I was like, yeah. And then later I was like,

• 25:38Dax Shepard?

  What a loaded question.

• 25:39Speaker 01

  God, I wonder what that meant.

• 25:41Speaker 02

  I know.

• 25:41Speaker 01

  That must have meant something.

• 25:43Speaker 02

  Yep. That's how I find out about stuff too. It's always like your friends go, listen, I'm in your corner on this one. And I go, about what?

• 25:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:51Speaker 02

  I go, I wouldn't know what's going on. And actually, it's none of my business. Thanks for supporting me, but I wouldn't know about this unless you told me.

• 25:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:58Dax Shepard?

  That's the dangerous, because I remain very oblivious.

• 26:01Speaker 02

  Good.

• 26:02Dax Shepard?

  And it's always people reaching out to console me or offer support.

• 26:06Speaker 02

  Oh, my God.

• 26:07Dax Shepard?

  I didn't even know. And then it got to this point where I got nervous my family was going to start defending me online. So I did kind of a blanket text to everyone in the family like, hey, I know everyone's there for me. There's no need to ever defend me. I'm great, blah, blah, blah.

• 26:20Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 26:20Dax Shepard?

  And then, so my mom called me and she goes, I'm proud of what they're saying. And I go, that people think I abused Kristen? And she goes, oh, what's that? No, the thing about freezing your daughter's eggs. I'm like, wait a minute, that's a story.

• 26:36Speaker 02

  That's the thing now?

• 26:38Speaker 01

  I know.

• 26:38Dax Shepard?

  I'm like, I'm in trouble for saying I would offer to pay for my daughter's. But it was just such a comedy of errors. Like, she didn't know about that thing.

• 26:46Speaker 02

  Both of those were the dumbest thing. But you're thinking she's talking about another thing and you're like, oh, there's another.

• 26:50Dax Shepard?

  Now we're both informing each other of these other attacks. And I'm like, this is a disaster.

• 26:55Speaker 02

  No, I was really thinking the other day, if I got canceled, I don't think I would know about it. I scroll and I see my names, but I have like my name blocked on Reddit. I have my name blocked on Insta. Like, it doesn't show up in my feed anymore. So I think I would not know. And if you don't know, it literally wouldn't affect your life. Because here's the thing, I remember I was talking to a comedian that had been very, very canceled. And it was like a year or so after their cancellation. And I remember he had told some anecdote to a bunch of comedians that he was shopping with his kids and a woman like whispered in his ear, you fucking disgusting piece of shit. And then didn't even see it and he was kind of alarmed and taken aback. I had empathy for that to happen to anyone. And I was like, now, how often is this happening to you? And he was like, that's the only time. And I go like this week and he goes ever it's mainly autographs and pictures.

• 27:37Speaker 02

  He was like, no one says anything in public. So if he wasn't told by his publicist and wasn't online, he would never know because people will never say it to your face.

• 27:45Dax Shepard?

  That's right.

• 27:45Speaker 02

  It's only online where you're canceled.

• 27:47Dax Shepard?

  You're reminded, you go like, oh yeah, I don't bump into anybody in the world in real life.

• 27:52Speaker 02

  That would ever comment in the way they comment online.

• 27:55Dax Shepard?

  And then you're reminded, oh, it's not real.

• 27:57Speaker 01

  Mine is people who have lost their jobs. That has happened.

• 28:01Speaker 02

  Okay, that's, so I guess in that case. You would find out that way, yes.

• 28:03Speaker 01

  Why am I losing my job?

• 28:05Dax Shepard?

  When security handed you that box.

• 28:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:08Dax Shepard?

  What, I don't read comments?

• 28:09Speaker 02

  I don't even have a desk here. And they're like, but we did pack it up and here's your fired box that everyone gets.

• 28:16Dax Shepard?

  Okay, I just, I want to go back to the ego for one half second.

• 28:19Speaker 02

  Please.

• 28:19Dax Shepard?

  I think once you acknowledge to yourself that the ego knows no satiation, it can't happen.

• 28:25Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 28:25Dax Shepard?

  You actually can't fill the cup up. So you know just better. And then the id, like the terrible shadow in you that wants to destroy you and thinks you're a piece of shit, that's not valid either. So you really should be like you're saying, you need to be in the middle.

• 28:38Speaker 02

  I think Harry Styles had a quote about like any trolls online, any bad stuff you read about yourself is bullshit. And so is the good stuff. It's equally as bullshit. I was like, that's so true because you can go like, this guy is just a guy in his mom's basement, like typing away and what a loser. But the guy saying good stuff about you is probably a loser in his mom's basement too. So why?

• 28:56Dax Shepard?

  No, that guy's a genius.

• 28:59Speaker 02

  That guy actually gets it.

• 29:00Dax Shepard?

  He's like the competitive see a dunce version of being in his mom's basement.

• 29:04Speaker 02

  You know, and even people I respect who have suddenly been like, oh my God, you're killing it. And they say how great I am. I can even convince myself like, oh, they're just seeing the glowy version. They're seeing the Golden Globes, this polished thing that I worked on so hard with a lot of help. I go, that wasn't actually me. I can always kind of argue it away.

• 29:21Dax Shepard?

  Deflect it. Yeah.

• 29:23Speaker 01

  I do want you to work on that. I want you to be able to hear from us that you killed it at the Golden Globes.

• 29:29Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 29:30Dax Shepard?

  And Jon Stewart's compliment got to you.

• 29:32Speaker 02

  Yes. And I know, but if we're talking about ego and what is me, and maybe we got into this before, forgive me if I'm repeating myself from my last appearance, but I just don't believe in free will and I don't believe that I have chosen to be a hard. Worker, I have chosen to be funny. I didn't choose anything that I got. So the fact that people are like, you work so hard and you killed it. And I'm like, all of it's luck. I didn't choose to have a brain. Yes. That works hard. I didn't choose to have parents that supported my crazy career and led to all of this.

• 29:59Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you have a dad sitting in the front row of your stand up while you talk about your vagina. You got blessed with that dad that could sit there. I was thinking, I'm gonna be that kind of dad, too.

• 30:08Speaker 02

  You absolutely are that dad.

• 30:10Dax Shepard?

  And I can't wait to be that kind of dad, but you got lucky that you got that kind of dad.

• 30:14Speaker 02

  I was unlucky in some ways in life, but I don't internalize it like, I'm so special. Like, I'm special because I'm a human and I'm born, but it's not me who did any of this. It's just however I turned out, my brain chemistry and nature and nurture made me who I am, not me. I didn't pick myself up from my bootstraps and people counted me out and I said, I'm gonna do it. Even if I did do that, the person that goes, I'm gonna do this, I didn't choose to be that. When some people get mad at a drug addict who's homeless and they go, he should do something about it. He should get help and pick himself up. And then they go, well, this other drug addict did it and he was even worse than him. It's like, well, he has a different brain. So maybe he had a little part of his brain or a little bit of nurturing in his childhood that he could reflect upon that that guy didn't have. So you can't expect that guy to do that just because they're both drug addicts.

• 30:59Dax Shepard?

  Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. We are supported by Allstate. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking the pockets of your jeans before doing laundry? Classic oversight. That mystery clunking in the dryer? Yeah, that was your lip balm's final moments. And somehow, there's always one random receipt in there to dissolve into confetti. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North America Insurance Co. and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 31:44Dax Shepard?

  Well, the misleading part is it is true that hard work leads to X.

• 31:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:49Dax Shepard?

  And I have demonstrated hard work, but also for whatever reason, I'm capable of hard work.

• 31:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, you got the ability to work hard. Hard work is a talent that you were gifted with.

• 31:58Dax Shepard?

  Exactly.

• 31:59Speaker 02

  Just like anything else.

• 32:00Dax Shepard?

  Wrestling myself into submission to do hard work.

• 32:03Speaker 02

  I don't know if this resonates with you, but I didn't know that hard work was a talent I could be proud of. Because I was always ashamed when people would say, congratulations on your success because you deserve it because you work so hard. I always took that as a dig of, you're not really talented, but you stuck it out long enough. We all could be you, but we didn't wake up early enough.

• 32:22Dax Shepard?

  But again, that's you finding shit no matter what.

• 32:25Speaker 02

  But then people who are just naturally talented, you go, you're so talented and they don't get praised about working hard. Yeah. And then they feel bad that they don't work hard.

• 32:32Dax Shepard?

  They want to be the hardest worker and the one with the most talent and everything.

• 32:35Speaker 02

  I don't want to be sungod anymore. I just want to be happy.

• 32:37Dax Shepard?

  Okay, now back to one part, and I think it's what Monica's approaching. So I'm fine with your whole program unless, because this is something that I discovered in therapy. The therapist is like, do you make yourself smaller for other people? Anything that I get, that's great. If someone says like, oh, man, you got a Ford GT, there's a waitlist. My first reaction is like, oh yeah, but then you got to put this fucking $7,000 wrap on it. And it's such a pain, like I have to diminish that because I feel guilty. I have this thing and the other person doesn't. I know they would want it.

• 33:07Speaker 02

  I do that all the time, but I think it's the right thing to do.

• 33:09Dax Shepard?

  I don't think it is. I don't think you need to be adjusting yourself out of fear of how that other person's going to feel about it. And the word that he used that broke through for me is he said, there's a difference between being arrogant and being presidential.

• 33:25Dax Shepard?

  Like, think how you think of the word excluding recent history, what presidential means.

• 33:30Speaker 02

  With a lowercase p.

• 33:31Dax Shepard?

  I have this role and I walk tall and I represent my country with pride. I don't make myself small.

• 33:38Speaker 02

  Well, women can be president, so I can't even begin to picture what that is.

• 33:42Dax Shepard?

  So chancellor.

• 33:42Speaker 02

  I think that's what's holding me back from even relating to that kind of word.

• 33:46Dax Shepard?

  So how about this chancellor-esque? You have to be a German chancellor.

• 33:50Speaker 02

  Secretary of state? I think that's the highest. Secretary. Vice president. Secretary. Just stop there. That's why they let the women have that role so often. They're like, the word's in it.

• 34:01Dax Shepard?

  Made of the state.

• 34:02Speaker 01

  But that's actually telling. There is something that I don't think, I'll speak for both of us, can necessarily relate to because that is not a skill that women have been told is good.

• 34:12Dax Shepard?

  You could look at Andrea Markle and you can envision what that woman was.

• 34:18Speaker 02

  I don't even know what she looks like.

• 34:19Dax Shepard?

  A tall, regal German.

• 34:22Speaker 02

  German chancellor.

• 34:23Dax Shepard?

  Confident, in charge, not arrogant, not a braggy.

• 34:27Speaker 02

  But like masculine. I don't want to be that.

• 34:30Dax Shepard?

  No, I know.

• 34:30Speaker 02

  Because it's not soft and feminine. I've never looked up to women in politics because I'm like, I don't want to wear pantsuits.

• 34:36Speaker 01

  We've been trained that that's its own thing and that's not cool.

• 34:40Speaker 02

  And that men don't want to fuck that. If men want to fuck you, then that's when you get good stuff.

• 34:44Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 34:45Speaker 02

  Let's be clear, not getting fucked. I don't want that, but I want the things that they give you when they want to. Yeah, I will make people maybe feel better. I will say things that are true about what sucks about the thing I got. Not just to say it, I will say, but here's the other side of things. But I'm not going to lie about what I have anymore. These are just facts. I'm hosting the Golden Globes again. I'm telling that to a friend who is trying to get by. That sucks to tell them. I realize the disparity, but I'm like, well, it's just a fact of my life that I'm excited about. So I have to say it. Sorry to name drop Kim again, but when I was working with her, people would hold up umbrellas so people couldn't see her. I was saying to her posse of people, I'm like, do you ever just watch people lose their mind when they don't expect to see her? It's like, she just gets to walk around and give people gifts and the best story that they maybe get all year.

• 35:27Speaker 02

  That's what I delight in because I used to love seeing famous people or like buy stuff at the stars' homes. When I drive past a TMZ truck, I'm not kidding you, I roll down the window and I go, I'm Nikki Glaser. I host the Golden Globes. If you care, if you want to get a picture because I know what it's like to be on one of those bus doors with my family and be like, we didn't see anyone. We just drove past the old Roxy.

• 35:48Dax Shepard?

  Viper Room, they'll take you there. Nothing's happened there in 45 years.

• 35:52Speaker 02

  When you drive past them, make sure you wave and say hi. It's not gloating, but you're giving the guy who's doing the tour a boost in his like, when he goes to his team meeting, well, we got one celebrity today. Like, and it used to be a joke. I used to be like, I'm friends with Amy Schumer. Like when I was nobody. Like I used to make a joke of it. And now I'm like, speed up and pull up. Let's give them something. Most of the time I'm like, this This is kind of embarrassing because people are like having to Google like, who is that or like what? But if two people on that thing.

• 36:15Dax Shepard?

  Ricky Granger.

• 36:16Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 36:17Dax Shepard?

  Ricky Granger?

• 36:17Speaker 02

  Aliza Schlesinger, is that her?

• 36:19Speaker 01

  But if one person cares, it's worth it.

• 36:22Speaker 02

  That's so fun for them. I think about myself as a young person or someone even now like going to parties and like seeing celebrities and how it delights me.

• 36:28Speaker 01

  Also, you use the word deserve, which I think is interesting. I think deserve is something that gets stuck in our heads as a problem. Like, I don't think I deserve any of this. And I don't think you do. And I don't think you do. I don't think anyone deserves. And I'm sorry, I'm being insulted. I don't think anyone deserves anything good and anyone deserves anything bad. You get what you get.

• 36:48Dax Shepard?

  Well, I disagree a little bit. No one knocked on my door and said, you want this life? That part is true because I was moving around like I won the lottery and don't deserve to be here.

• 36:57Speaker 01

  I mean, you belong. That's different. You belong. You did a lot.

• 37:02Speaker 02

  But deserve is like, you know, I just moved into a house and people are like, oh, my God,

• 37:06Speaker 01

  congratulations. You really deserve it. And I'm like, I don't deserve it.

• 37:10Speaker 02

  I hate that word so much. Right? When you just said it, I'm like, ugh.

• 37:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't deserve it. I have it. I'm excited. It's a privilege to have it.

• 37:17Speaker 02

  And they're almost saying it to shit on people that they're thinking of that didn't deserve it. It's almost about other people.

• 37:22Speaker 01

  It is. There's some comparison in there.

• 37:24Speaker 02

  I get that all the time of like, you deserve this fame. And I'm like, who are we really talking about here? Who do you want to talk shit on who doesn't deserve it?

• 37:30Speaker 01

  And I'm with you. I'm making it back because I'm like, oh, because like I'm ugly. I had to work extra hard. If I was pretty, I would obviously have a house and they would deserve it.

• 37:39Speaker 02

  Well, you know. I go there too so much. That's so interesting. But how do you deal with being a recognizable figure when it wasn't the thing that you? Were you thinking about it as a kid of like, I want to be?

• 37:51Speaker 01

  Oh, you were. But not for this, obviously. It wasn't a thing.

• 37:54Dax Shepard?

  To be on Friends, the reboot.

• 37:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, to be on Friends was the dream.

• 37:57Speaker 02

  That was the dream. I was just saying the other night, when I was in sixth grade, I was like, I'm gonna be Jennifer Aniston. I'll have a sitcom when I'm 25. And I'll be on maybe a couple soap operas before then. And I have no other plan of how to get there.

• 38:08Speaker 01

  I'll be on Ferris Bueller, the TV show.

• 38:09Speaker 02

  I'll get discovered.

• 38:09Dax Shepard?

  I know I'm gonna land.

• 38:10Speaker 02

  I'll be a leprechaun.

• 38:12Speaker 01

  I know how this ends.

• 38:13Speaker 02

  I will get a famous haircut and then I will be famous forever. And that's just how it works.

• 38:17Dax Shepard?

  I may or may not marry Brad Pitt. I don't know.

• 38:19Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 38:19Dax Shepard?

  I'll decide then.

• 38:20Speaker 01

  I'm sure you feel the same then, because if you wanted to be an actor, and you are, and you just did a movie, which is very exciting, but you're known for this thing you probably, at the beginning, didn't think about.

• 38:30Speaker 02

  It was just the only way in that I was good at.

• 38:32Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 38:32Speaker 02

  It was the first way that was like, oh, I can maybe be on TV and I'm getting feedback right away that I have a knack for this. It was the first time I ever felt, okay, I guess this is gonna be it. Yes, I love it, and yes, I love comedy, but it was just the first thing I was good at. I would have done anything if people would have told me I was good at it. I would have a totally different life based on just one person being like, you've got this.

• 38:52Dax Shepard?

  You've got the mind of an engineer.

• 38:54Speaker 02

  Really?

• 38:55Dax Shepard?

  No, but what if someone said that to you?

• 38:58Speaker 02

  Oh my god.

• 38:59Speaker 01

  That's humiliating how excited I just got.

• 39:03Dax Shepard?

  Well, no, I'm just saying when you pursued engineering.

• 39:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, I know, it was being a character of someone saying that to someone.

• 39:10Dax Shepard?

  Oh my god, Nikki, the stand-up routine is mirroring real life now. This is wonderful.

• 39:15Speaker 02

  Funny.

• 39:16Dax Shepard?

  The good girl thing just kinda happened. I said you had a mind for engineering.

• 39:19Speaker 02

  It was.

• 39:20Dax Shepard?

  And it was like a dad told you.

• 39:21Speaker 02

  It was absolutely like that, a man telling you like, you're good and you're smart, and you got an A on your test, and you've got something, there's a twinkle in your eye.

• 39:30Dax Shepard?

  I think you're brilliant.

• 39:32Speaker 02

  I'm not taking your compliments anymore until I know they're real.

• 39:35Dax Shepard?

  I do, but I don't know enough about your brilliance to determine whether you'd be a good engineer or not.

• 39:41Speaker 02

  I had a boyfriend tell me, he was like, you have the mind of a quarterback, and I like, didn't know what that meant, and then I looked it up. It was the best compliment I've ever gotten in my life.

• 39:48Dax Shepard?

  Okay, there was one topic that I've been, in a weird way, wanting to bring up, and there's never a time on this show where it feels like this is the zone, but I feel like you're the person I want to bounce this off of. We know about incels a lot. They're well documented. They're involuntary celibate men.

• 40:02Speaker 02

  I just explained this to my assistant the other day. She had no idea what it was. We watched the Manosphere documentary on Netflix.

• 40:07Dax Shepard?

  Incredible, the movie, throw.

• 40:08Speaker 02

  Loved it.

• 40:09Dax Shepard?

  Great, great doc.

• 40:10Speaker 02

  Everyone needs to watch that. She's 26, and she had no idea what the Manosphere was.

• 40:13Dax Shepard?

  Because again, even though there's a doc and I got rubbed up, it's also no such thing. It doesn't mean anything as well.

• 40:18Speaker 02

  It means everything.

• 40:19Dax Shepard?

  That's why she didn't know.

• 40:20Speaker 02

  Well, she doesn't know because she's not getting it on her feed.

• 40:22Dax Shepard?

  I'm hopeful. It's a window of like 12 to 16 year old boys. All their audiences are like junior high kids.

• 40:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:28Dax Shepard?

  That don't know what the fuck they're.

• 40:30Speaker 02

  It's terrifying.

• 40:30Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 40:31Speaker 02

  Think of the things you consumed when you were that age that made you who you are today. It is who you are.

• 40:35Dax Shepard?

  Raising Arizona. I've been trying to be Nick Cage.

• 40:37Speaker 02

  It's who you are. It's terrifying. It is while they're being shaped. Yes.

• 40:41Dax Shepard?

  Okay. So the incels we would describe to me.

• 40:43Speaker 02

  Involuntary celibate, yeah.

• 40:44Dax Shepard?

  Involuntary celibate. And then in absence of that, they become misogynist. Like they hate women. They think that they're entitled to sex. There's like a very predictable outcome. Now I want to pitch in thought I've had recently, which is I think there needs to be the commensurate term, which would be V-cells, which is voluntarily celibate. I think there's a lot of single younger women who are voluntarily celibate.

• 41:09Speaker 02

  Interesting.

• 41:10Dax Shepard?

  And not in relationships.

• 41:11Speaker 02

  Who, who are you thinking?

• 41:13Dax Shepard?

  Like what I'm saying is all these people that are convinced I'm beating Kristen, none of them are married people.

• 41:19Speaker 02

  Oh, right. Well, they've never had a relationship. Well, they don't have that sense of humor.

• 41:22Dax Shepard?

  They've been together 19 years.

• 41:23Speaker 02

  Well, I have to say with that, a lot of what I read that I loved, and I know you didn't get a lot of feedback, tell me to stop if you don't want any kind of me echoing anything I heard. But what I did like that I heard was this seems to be inside jokes that you make in your house that we all do, but it's seeing the light of day. And none of us have to deal with the stuff we joke about with our husbands ever going out there. And we would also be canceled for the same thing. So it just seems like they made a mistake in airing something that they joke about all the time. That truly is, it's not like you're doing racist jokes. And I think a lot of people got that because I was really proud of little sex over Reddit that got it.

• 42:00Dax Shepard?

  I mean, I truly believe 90% of people, but when I look at who was outraged and who was publicly defending her.

• 42:06Speaker 02

  Was people who've never been in relationships.

• 42:07Dax Shepard?

  Never been in a relationship.

• 42:08Speaker 02

  Yeah. And never have had that kind of strange intimacy. Cause I even had to reflect on my own and be like, what's my thing that I would joke about? And I had so much.

• 42:17Dax Shepard?

  But just like the boy thing breeds misogyny, I do think the voluntary celibacy, it breeds something.

• 42:25Speaker 02

  I think these women want partners. It's just really hard to find one because a lot have been manosphere'd. And we're just not connecting anymore. We're not going to bars. We're not meeting up. The apps are horrible. And so I think that women may say they're being voluntary, but I think it's just out of not having any options. And then. Whenever you're angry about something, 99% of the times, there's some jealousy rooted in it. Yeah, for sure. So I think there's a jealousy of, we just want to take down anyone we're jealous of. And these two seem to be happy and working.

• 42:49Dax Shepard?

  There's a parallel. I was watching a 60 Minutes segment on sovereign citizens, which is this weird growing group of men who reject the government and they won't carry license. And they were shooting cops and they were suing municipalities. Like it's a whole movement. And in this piece, they had a social scientist on that was like, almost 100% of the members used to have pretty good blue collar careers that they lost. Things shut down in their town. And so for those people, if the system doesn't include you, the system has to be flawed. It's the only way you can survive that, right? Is to go like, well, there's a system that wouldn't include me. I'm worthy of being included. The system has to be corrupt. And I think if you're like, relationships don't work.

• 43:35Speaker 02

  All men suck because the ones I've dated have sucked and I'm not getting asked out. So I'll reject them first.

• 43:40Dax Shepard?

  They all must be being repressed and it must be terrible. I'm just curious if you think there's any validity to this point of view.

• 43:46Speaker 02

  The validity I see is that the backlash to whatever you went through, I think was spurred very intensely by people just not understanding that kind of intimacy, whether that's the kind of intimacy they want or not.

• 43:57Dax Shepard?

  Sure, sure.

• 43:57Speaker 02

  People don't always have dark senses of humor. They can't understand why that would ever be funny. And it's certainly people that have been in abusive situations or had their mom beat or anyone is going to personalize that and be like, that's not funny ever. And that's really actually not fair, to be honest.

• 44:12Dax Shepard?

  We both grew up with domestic violence.

• 44:14Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 44:15Dax Shepard?

  So if you tell me how domestic violence works, I can tell you those guys who beat my mom's ass never went online to find out if it was acceptable from someone. That's not actually how it works, which is mad.

• 44:27Speaker 02

  They didn't do it because someone made a caption on an Instagram and they go, oh, they've joked about it. Maybe I should do it tonight.

• 44:33Dax Shepard?

  That's just not how it works. So you want to be really mad about a hypothetical scenario that's never happened.

• 44:39Speaker 02

  Things that are unhealed from, that's just the case. And we all have our things and I love Sam Harris. And Sam Harris says, I'm paraphrasing, but to define yourself by what you're offended by, it's not interesting what you're offended by.

• 44:50Speaker 02

  That shouldn't be something that defines you or that you should think anyone should be interested in. It's not cool, but people don't have identities. I know. Especially white people. We don't have culture. And I've said this a million times lately because it's been coming up for me a lot, but like we're looking for something to make us feel like a part of a group. And to be like, I'm offended by this makes you feel like you have something.

• 45:10Dax Shepard?

  A community.

• 45:11Speaker 02

  Yes. Yes, because of other people saying me too, me too, me too. And it gets you attention because you're like, I'm sad about this. To people, anyone listening being like, she doesn't get it. I am upset. I know you are.

• 45:19Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 45:20Speaker 02

  I'm not saying it's fake. I'm saying I don't think someone who has, you know, a headache because they have anxiety doesn't mean they're not in pain. Or like back pain because of anxiety. I think a lot of back pain is in your head, but it doesn't mean I don't think it's painful. It doesn't mean I don't want to hug you and say, so sorry you're going through this pain, but it is in your head.

• 45:34Dax Shepard?

  The pain is real.

• 45:36Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 45:36Dax Shepard?

  But where is it coming from?

• 45:37Speaker 02

  Yeah. And your sadness is real about this and your anger about it is real.

• 45:40Dax Shepard?

  You can bond over, I hate Taylor Swift. That's a way to bond with another kid at school.

• 45:46Speaker 02

  Who are you gonna find?

• 45:47Dax Shepard?

  But what are you going to do with this bond? What are you gonna boycott? There's nothing to do. Whereas if you say, I love Sabrina Carpenter, now you guys can like, we should go see a concert.

• 45:57Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 45:57Dax Shepard?

  We should get her new album. There's things that can grow out of bonding over things you like. It's a dead end street to bond over what you hate.

• 46:04Speaker 02

  You're so right because I'm trying to think of anything I hate that I really get along with people because we hate it so much. And it really dead ends a conversation. Like you can kind of bitch about it for a little bit.

• 46:14Dax Shepard?

  You can protest.

• 46:15Speaker 02

  Now that you brought it to protest, I'm like, yes, I think it is important that people get together and create community around things that suck. But the other night I was complaining about, I think I'm the only person on the planet that was disappointed by U2 at the Sphere. I went to go see it. I had all the expectations. They were the first people at the Sphere. I read every good review. I was ready to have my mind blown. Maybe the bar was too high. But I was so disappointed, not in how they sounded, but they didn't use the screens. They used the screens to make something really cool where you're like, whoa, it's the desert or whoa, it's Vegas. Not something to make you sick. I just mean, use the fucking screen.

• 46:47Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, the contraption we paid to be inside of.

• 46:49Speaker 02

  I would say 60% of the show, the screen was only being used like the movie's theater size. They were only like doing their images. And I'm like, you're opening this sphere. You use the screen for every goddamn song.

• 46:58Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 46:58Speaker 02

  And I was at this party talking about this and I was getting so So fired up. Literally, it's gonna be a part of my next act. Because someone goes, well, it's really costly to make those screens. And I'm like, if I'm fucking Bono, if I'm having sex with Bono, I would say to him, no, if I'm Bono and I'm going to the tech rehearsal and I'm watching the screens and I go, we only are using, that was cool, that was cool, and that was cool, but the rest are not cool. Oh, it's gonna cost too much? Out of my pocket. This is the fucking sphere. You're YouTube, you have enough money. I don't want to hear about budgetary restrictions. Unless there's not technology in order to make that. But if you did it three times, you can do it 20. It was no excuse me. I was so upset about it. And I went home and I looked online for anyone who was saying what I was saying. And this was like well into their residency. Not one.

• 47:39Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 47:41Speaker 02

  And I was in the depths of Reddit. I was like ready to get the dark web and get like an external browser or something to find anyone. Not one person.

• 47:50Dax Shepard?

  You were all alone.

• 47:51Speaker 02

  That was exciting to me because I'm like, that's funny now. That I don't have a community. There's something there.

• 47:57Dax Shepard?

  There's no reward to this anger I'm feeling.

• 48:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's more interesting than if I had a bunch of people to talk about it with and to shit talk with. I'm like, I'm a lone wolf. Maybe there's something wrong with me. I had to reflect on it. But I was telling a story the other night. I'm sorry, all the name drops, but I just recently kind of became friends with Chris Rock. And I was talking to him about like, how do I come up with new material? I am kind of stuck right now. I need a new hour. My hour's about to come out. I'm losing all that material. I have to go on the road in August. And he's like, read, you know, he just told me you have to read, like feed the engine. And I'm like, wow, I do. But then I was going off about YouTube and he goes, that, do that. And I was like, thank God you said that. Because comedians always used to like, when we were starting up, always used to be like, that's a bit. Do that, do that. And you were constantly helping each other. No one does that anymore.

• 48:37Dax Shepard?

  Well, in success, you get more isolated.

• 48:39Speaker 02

  Yes, I've told my friends recently, like, if I say anything, please just tell me to write it down. Because that's the only way I'm gonna generate. Because I don't sit down and like.

• 48:47Speaker 01

  To your point, I want to circle back just for a second. I do think there is a current talking point a little bit. You know, I think there was an article that said, is it embarrassing to have a boyfriend? I'm embarrassed to have a boyfriend.

• 49:01Speaker 02

  Yes, I read that. I did like the memes after heated rivalry that were like, after watching this, when I see a man kiss a woman, I'm like, that's fucking gay. I love that because I definitely, I'm like, there's nothing more masculine than two guys going at it.

• 49:13Dax Shepard?

  Testosterone squared.

• 49:15Speaker 02

  But finish your point. There's a whole thing of like, it's embarrassing to have a boyfriend.

• 49:18Dax Shepard?

  They're innately subjugated or something?

• 49:20Speaker 01

  A younger generation than us, I think, probably like the one right under us that's like, is it okay to have a boyfriend? Cause boys do bad stuff.

• 49:28Speaker 02

  It's like you can get canceled.

• 49:30Speaker 01

  Exactly. Which is insane. It's insane.

• 49:32Speaker 02

  It's so insane.

• 49:33Speaker 01

  Also, again, just the thing that women have been trying to do forever, which is say, we're our own people.

• 49:40Speaker 02

  I think it's embarrassing to have a husband, to be honest with you. Like for most people. For most people, because to me, so few people find, like you have a relationship that I admire where I'm like, if I got married, I would want it to look like that. But I feel like so many people get married and it doesn't look like that. And it's just to get married. And I think it's embarrassing because you're locked in so much more. And I'm like, oh, honey, you have to get a divorce. Having a boyfriend, you can cut and run, whatever. Get a boyfriend, but a husband, be more mindful.

• 50:05Speaker 01

  I do think you're right. There's a little tinge in the air that's, men are bad or not all men, but all men. You know, there's reasons people think like that, manosphere stuff. And obviously our president and things like that have caused people to be like, ah, men. Oh, no. Oh, my God. I don't want to be affiliated with that. I don't want people to think I'm signing off on that.

• 50:28Speaker 02

  I know. That's so sad. And that's so dumb. And it's really not all men at all. There's so many great men out there and it sucks that these girls that are meeting guys online. It is hard to find even girlfriends that are cool.

• 50:41Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 50:41Speaker 02

  Like, think of how many awful girls there are out there. It's just as hard to find a guy that you want to hang out with. But I would advise girls to like, be friends with guys and then date them after. Don't put so much pressure on going on dates. I've ever considered going on dates with someone. I get so nervous because I'm like, you're meeting someone to have coffee. And what's really in the air here is, are we gonna suck each other's genitals forever and ever till the day we die? That's so much pressure. Even just, are we going to get nasty together? Are we gonna hump each other? That's a lot of pressure over a coffee date. I think it's best just to start, just get guy friends. And keep them after you find a boyfriend. And men, keep your girlfriends. We should all keep having friends of the opposite sex.

• 51:22Dax Shepard?

  We're in it together, y'all.

• 51:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 51:25Speaker 02

  That's right.

• 51:25Dax Shepard?

  You can't split into two camps.

• 51:27Speaker 02

  No, that's right.

• 51:28Dax Shepard?

  It's not gonna work.

• 51:28Speaker 02

  Once you get a boyfriend, you shouldn't not be allowed to hang out with guys that are your friends.

• 51:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:32Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 51:33Speaker 02

  And girls, you gotta let your guy friend have girlfriends. You have to, because they need to get their emotions out, and girls ask about emotions, and guys don't. So they're gonna put their emotions on you, and that's not sexy to you, probably. And if it is, great, but a lot of times, he's not gonna feel sexy after sharing his emotions with you.

• 51:48Dax Shepard?

  You can't be the only outlet.

• 51:49Speaker 02

  So let him do it to some girl that is gonna ask him about his feelings, that is not gonna wanna fuck him after he shares them. And for good reason, because they're friends.

• 51:56Dax Shepard?

  Okay, I have one question before Good Girl, which unfortunately, you're gonna have to hear that I loved it, of course.

• 52:02Speaker 02

  I don't wanna, literally don't wanna talk about it.

• 52:04Dax Shepard?

  We're gonna have to. I'm gonna force you to promote your project. Yeah, you did a great job at the Golden Globes, again.

• 52:09Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 52:10Dax Shepard?

  I'm so glad you're the go-to host now. It was so fun.

• 52:12Speaker 02

  I was so glad you guys were there. That was so fun.

• 52:14Speaker 01

  It was so good to see you, okay. You really nailed it.

• 52:16Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 52:17Dax Shepard?

  Isn't it fun when you have a personal connection with somebody? Now, all of a sudden, I feel, I mean, I hate to use the word, but proud, like, oh, yeah.

• 52:23Speaker 02

  Same, for you guys, same.

• 52:25Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it's such a good feeling.

• 52:26Speaker 02

  It's so nice to get these friendships that you meet from doing the job.

• 52:29Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 52:30Speaker 02

  That you're really rooting for people.

• 52:31Speaker 01

  Yes, exactly.

• 52:32Speaker 02

  Because they're so often, like I was saying before, you don't root for people, because of jealousy or whatever, or like, you don't like them, but it's awesome.

• 52:39Dax Shepard?

  So when you watch the Oscars, did you watch the Oscars?

• 52:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, oh, yeah.

• 52:42Dax Shepard?

  So when you're watching award shows now, is it like a completely different experience?

• 52:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, once I was in the business, I knew the work that went into it. You know, I saw his monologue, I think it was exactly a week before he was doing it at Largo. It was so great to hear the jokes and be like, oh, fuck, that was a good one. And it was all the same stuff that I was covering, the same movies. So it's like, oh, we fucking missed that one. Begonia and, what was the other thing where, deli meets? Begonia and Marty Supreme sound like off-brand deli meets. Like, that is just there.

• 53:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:10Speaker 02

  Like, it's not, I mean, it's a brilliant joke, but I'm like, we've looked at that from every angle, how did we not stumble upon that? So, watching the Oscars for me, I'm like, oh, my God, all the shoots he had to do for it, all the pre-tapes.

• 53:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:20Speaker 02

  Even the pre-tape at the end, I go, you're doing one at the end? So much work leading up to it, and the way that they were able to make it look like he was in all those films, the lighting setups, like, how much work went into each of those to look so seamless? I thought that was done so beautifully. Then the song with Josh Groban and the set design, the jokes were probably the least worrisome part of it. But you know, I just watched him walk off stage. It was kind of rolled off stage on top of that mountain. And I was like, this is the best moment of his year.

• 53:46Dax Shepard?

  It's over.

• 53:47Speaker 02

  And it killed.

• 53:48Dax Shepard?

  It's over.

• 53:48Speaker 02

  It's over. That's what you do it for. You have a respect for it. I do it for walking off, turning around and walking off as I walk past the presenters. I'm like, I'm done. Like the rest of the show, who cares? That's over. Yeah. Yeah. And that's the best feeling in entertainment.

• 54:01Dax Shepard?

  That kind of reminds me of the axiom, like, I hate to write and I love to have written. This basically is like, I hate doing it and I love having done it.

• 54:09Speaker 02

  Oh, I think that's everything in life. I hate going to Pilates. I love having done it. Right? I don't think there's anything good for you.

• 54:17Dax Shepard?

  Sax is one of the freebies. It's great while you're doing it.

• 54:20Speaker 02

  But sometimes afterwards you're like, if it's really good for the wrong reasons, you can regret it. And sometimes during it, I have often been like, when is this over? So I can say I did it and I don't have to do it again for a month and a half. Check it off the list.

• 54:36Dax Shepard?

  Okay. So that's actually one of the really funny parts of Good Girl, your special on Hulu that comes out on April 24th. You talk about when you look fuckable, everything is great. And the worst part is having to fuck.

• 54:50Speaker 02

  Yeah. I mentioned that before. I repeated my own joke in here early on the podcast, but yes.

• 54:53Dax Shepard?

  Heartbreakingly true.

• 54:55Speaker 02

  I'm kind of obsessed with this thing of like, looking a certain way gets you stuff in life and how that's unfair. If you're not just born gorgeous, but then now there's this whole thing that you can become gorgeous with enough money. This sounds so horrible and I would hate listening to this if I was not financially doing so well. But there's a burden that comes with the money that you can do whatever you want to look the way that you're like, I'm failing because I'm not doing the BBL and the facelift and the lasers. And there's always a new one coming out and some skin cream that you could do it. It's like, you could do that. It's like that failure that you feel of anything that you could do that you're not doing. And if you were prettier, what could you get?

• 55:37Speaker 02

  Because I don't think that my career and my success is based solely on my talent. It's based on looking good on TV too. I don't think I'm like the hottest person alive, but being a pleasant woman who someone deemed fuckable.

• 55:50Dax Shepard?

  Historically, that works.

• 55:51Speaker 02

  It does. And you're insane to think it doesn't. And when people tell me, you don't need to worry about it and don't focus on that. And that's really sad that you focus on that. I really felt bad about myself for a while that I was like, it is sad that I'm so obsessed with this. But I'm like, no. You live in reality. I just want to get things in life. I want to make money that I can then do good with. To be honest with you, I'm trying to be hot so people pay me more so I can open an animal shelter. Is that really sad? I'm trying to be hot for charity. Because it works. The hotter you are, you don't have to work. There are models that are literally, people go, she's a legend, an icon, a queen.

• 56:25Dax Shepard?

  She has a hundred million dollars.

• 56:27Speaker 02

  And you've never heard her talk. And not to say that modeling isn't a talent, because it is. It's really hard to be good at it, but it is way easier than writing scripts. I think I used to be mad about it when I was less intelligent about like, she's just hot. She's only getting it because she's hot. And it's like, that's just the way the world works. Exactly.

• 56:43Dax Shepard?

  Well, you do a great joke and it's like, are you mad at the girls that thought their brain was so weak? That they had to go get a sociology degree? Is that vain?

• 56:50Speaker 02

  This whole thing of like, why'd you have to change your face? Be happy with what God gave you. But then a girl is going to get an education. No one goes, just be happy with the brain that God gave you. When I realized that, I was like, yes, that's the same thing. But no one shames a woman improving herself if it's not aesthetically, because that's not threatening. Women and men are threatened by pretty women. I, myself included, are so much more judgmental of a hot girl than I am a smart girl. A smart girl, I'm like, she's threatening to me in a way that I'm not even competing with her.

• 57:15Dax Shepard?

  Trying to get that attention.

• 57:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's a different thing. But to be somewhere on the spectrum of hot, because some people are just like, that's not me at all. Like Fortune Feimster, I did a show with her. There's no part of her that's like, if I did this, she is what she is. And she's not trying to be a feminine sexy woman. And she would be.

• 57:32Dax Shepard?

  The first to say that.

• 57:33Speaker 02

  That's not like a rude thing to say. Yeah, she should be the first to say it. But to be somewhere on the spectrum where it's like, literally, I think a spray tan or lash extensions would amount to a thousand more likes if you have three million followers. Do you know like, it has. Numerical value in the system of just these little tweet botox or anything it does. So it's not sad to do it. And yes, it is sad when women do too much and it ends up not looking the right way and people get so mad about it, but feel bad for her. She went to a wonky doctor or she has body dysmorphia in her brain. It's not like she wants to look like people who go, she ruined her face. We all know the actress I'm talking about when I said like, there's one or two in mind that you have where you're like, she ruined her face and men are like, duh, I used to wanna fuck her. No, she's disgusting. It's like, first of all, she's 64.

• 58:18Speaker 02

  So you wanted to fuck her when she was 32, but like, she's a different woman now. And she may have done stuff to her face, but she's trying to be the girl that you knew in those movies. And she did it for you. And she did it for you. She didn't ask for that.

• 58:32Dax Shepard?

  That's the only part you're gonna get in an argument for me.

• 58:34Speaker 02

  Okay, bring it on. I would love it.

• 58:36Dax Shepard?

  Cause I think it's for each other.

• 58:38Speaker 02

  For women?

• 58:39Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 58:39Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 58:40Dax Shepard?

  Cause I can say it for me. I've gotten to a point where I have more muscles than women like, for sure. Men who I don't know grab my bicep and they're like, oh, would you die? Right? And I have status among my gender from these muscles and I love it.

• 58:56Speaker 02

  But women and gay men are kind of dictating show business culture of what is being lifted up as gorgeous, queen, slay. And so whether a man wants to fuck you or not, men are kind of falling in line with the monetary value of the gays and the girls wanting to be you. That's money. Selling cosmetics to women, selling a brand to women. We should be doing it for each other, but you are injecting to get back to the way you were when men wanted to fuck you. It doesn't work, but it's the best option you got.

• 59:23Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I'm not disagreeing with that, but it's like, you'll know if Monica has the row on. I won't and no man will ever know.

• 59:30Speaker 02

  I won't either, but I understand what you're saying.

• 59:33Dax Shepard?

  And I have a car that you don't know if it's the turboed one or the, but every man knows.

• 59:38Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 59:38Dax Shepard?

  My status is among other men and your status is among other women. That's how we are as primates.

• 59:44Speaker 02

  And gay men. Like those are the ones that come from curly. That's it.

• 1:00:02Dax Shepard?

  I just think a lot of times we blame the opposite sex and I don't even think that's actually quite fair.

• 1:00:07Speaker 02

  No, I think that's not fair. I agree with you.

• 1:00:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it's like you're getting fashionable for each other because guys don't give a shit.

• 1:00:12Speaker 02

  We know that men don't like the big blubbery lips, but here's the thing, you do like us with makeup. You don't like us with a ton. You do like us with some. You do. And I know you're gonna say, no, Kristen's so much more beautiful when she wakes up in the morning as bareface.

• 1:00:25Dax Shepard?

  I really think that, and I tell Monica all the time, like, I get to see Monica both versions.

• 1:00:28Speaker 02

  I don't think you would have initially fallen in love with Kristen or had that attraction to her.

• 1:00:32Dax Shepard?

  I met her without makeup.

• 1:00:33Speaker 02

  She was wearing no makeup when you met her?

• 1:00:34Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 1:00:35Speaker 02

  Like, first thing in the morning, like, so sleepy and, like, puffy eyes.

• 1:00:36Dax Shepard?

  Well, she's an exception, and we can acknowledge she's been gifted with, she has the most self-esteem of anyone. That's why I love, she's a perfect partner. She's so confident.

• 1:00:45Speaker 02

  And it doesn't hurt her.

• 1:00:47Dax Shepard?

  No. She doesn't have the insecurities I have and you have and Monica has.

• 1:00:50Speaker 02

  And some would argue, well, maybe it does hurt her and she didn't tell you it hurt her and she's just taking it because she wants to keep you around.

• 1:00:56Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that's someone who's projecting their insecurity.

• 1:00:59Speaker 02

  That's something I would do in a relationship. I'd be like, he always makes fun of this thing, but it seems to really delight him that he makes fun of it. So it seems to like that I take it, so I'll be the cool girl.

• 1:01:07Dax Shepard?

  This is back to the thing with Kristen that I want to say publicly, which is, don't insult my wife. She doesn't need your protection. You don't need to diminish her. That's what pisses me off. My wife has total fucking autonomy and is a gangster. So when you say that you need to come in and protect her, it's actually offensive to her.

• 1:01:23Speaker 02

  By the way, she was the one that shared it, right?

• 1:01:24Dax Shepard?

  Exactly. That's why the whole thing's set up. That was my comment. Yeah, yeah. You're insulting her by saying you're gonna go protect her. She's fucking good.

• 1:01:33Speaker 02

  Can I tell you a joke I was gonna do at the Golden Globes about it?

• 1:01:35Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 1:01:35Speaker 02

  But I didn't do it because I'm friends with you and I was like, I don't want to make his life hard.

• 1:01:39Dax Shepard?

  Another joke? That was almost, oh my god. I'm kinda flattered to even be in the mix.

• 1:01:43Speaker 02

  Oh my god. Well, now that we're friends, I have a feeling I know what you can take and what you can't take. And now that you know how I feel about that situation, I can tell Sean Penny looks like a leather handbag because I literally am attracted to him. If I literally thought he was disgusting, I don't think I would have been able to say it. I was already questioning saying that, then I was like, no, you actually think he's hot, so this is fine. It was, um...

• 1:02:03Dax Shepard?

  How nervous are you? I'm not. My only thought is, do I want to pour fire on it? But we'll decide that later.

• 1:02:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, you can take it out.

• 1:02:08Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah. I want to hear it. I definitely want to hear it.

• 1:02:11Speaker 02

  Die my love. If I had legs, I'd kick you. Sorry, baby. These are not just captions.

• 1:02:17Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 1:02:18Speaker 02

  To Dax Shepard's Instagram post for Mother's Day.

• 1:02:24Speaker 02

  Or like for Kristen, for his, no, these are not just Dax Shepard captions for his anniversary post. These are movies nominated tonight.

• 1:02:31Speaker 01

  That's very funny.

• 1:02:34Speaker 02

  But I didn't go because also like it was old news by then, but mostly because I didn't know where you stood on. I wasn't one of those people that reached out like, I got your back, man. Cause I'm like, maybe he doesn't even know about this.

• 1:02:43Dax Shepard?

  Well, I was alerted by someone that this whole thing was happening. I didn't know.

• 1:02:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, how'd you find out?

• 1:02:48Dax Shepard?

  And Kristen knew through her publicist, but didn't tell me. So I actually didn't know, and this was brought to my attention.

• 1:02:52Speaker 02

  For like a couple of days or like how long?

• 1:02:54Dax Shepard?

  Oh, a week and a half.

• 1:02:56Speaker 02

  Stop.

• 1:02:56Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I had no clue.

• 1:02:58Speaker 02

  Wow. It was like already kind of out of the news cycle by the time.

• 1:03:01Dax Shepard?

  Someone comforted me and I was like, what are you? And then I had to go to Kristen, what are they, what are they talking about? She's like, oh, that post I had.

• 1:03:07Speaker 02

  You do a good job then of like staying away from stuff about you.

• 1:03:10Dax Shepard?

  I just didn't. Well, I don't know, right? It's hard for me to know.

• 1:03:15Speaker 02

  That's the thing that bothers me is like, this is what you're talking about right now? Of all things, you fucking losers. You're wasting your time on getting angry about this. Go read some files.

• 1:03:24Speaker 01

  Why don't you pay attention to what's going on in the real? I very much stay away from comments. I don't comment on anything on armchair.

• 1:03:31Speaker 02

  I loved it.

• 1:03:32Speaker 01

  Thank you. I couldn't, and I don't.

• 1:03:34Speaker 02

  I know you don't do that. Cause I knew that was out of character for you.

• 1:03:37Speaker 01

  Yes, I was like, this is not something I do. But I cannot see this again. Also, I went to like a brunch before the Golden Globes for the cut. They asked me about it there. They asked us about it on the red carpet. The whole time we did red carpet.

• 1:03:50Dax Shepard?

  Oh, every interview we did was about Cher. Well, now we're talking about Cher.

• 1:03:53Speaker 02

  Oh, Cher. That was the one I read. Yes, yes, yes.

• 1:03:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, that was a separate thing.

• 1:03:57Speaker 02

  The Cher thing too. Oh, my God.

• 1:03:58Dax Shepard?

  A hundred percent of our interviews on the Golden Globes. Again, it feels beneath me to even defend myself, but the thing that drives me nuts is like, we released it.

• 1:04:07Speaker 02

  No, that makes me crazy.

• 1:04:08Dax Shepard?

  We posted it. You know how I feel about it. I think it's hilarious. That's why I posted it.

• 1:04:12Speaker 02

  Exactly. Not only that, but the headlines about it were so much worse than what it was once you watch it. But people don't watch things because they don't watch an ad first on Daily Mail or whatever. They don't want to watch Mario Lopez talking to them about something to get to the thing. So they just read the quote or they don't even read the quote. They just read the headline and that's all it is. And that is the most frustrating thing about being in the spotlight and having your words taken out of context. I'm just stressing to everyone at home who reads celebrity gossip. As a consumer of myself and who's learned the truth about things after the fact from the source, watch the video that it's quoting in context. Watch the whole thing. Don't just watch that clip. Go back to the podcast and watch the context of it. Be a savvy consumer because watching the video, you're like, what's the big deal here? It just took one

• 1:04:54Speaker 02

  person to be like, and then it fucking caught fire and no one writing about it even watched it. And it sucks so much. It's really the most dangerous thing about this job.

• 1:05:05Speaker 01

  Yeah. But I was like, it takes work to make a podcast. We decided to put that in. This was editing. This is a show.

• 1:05:13Speaker 02

  Because they don't work on their journalism. They don't even know what hard work is because they're doing celebrity like takedown pieces.

• 1:05:18Dax Shepard?

  They think we were guests on Cher's podcast.

• 1:05:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:05:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05:20Dax Shepard?

  She was on, don't let us have it.

• 1:05:24Speaker 02

  And that was some kind of intervention that she wanted to have for you. And then they have music playing in the background of it, that it was this serious moment where she finally was saying what she felt all along. And she was being funny. People don't contextualize Cher as being a funny person either and being like one of the wittiest women ever.

• 1:05:40Dax Shepard?

  I can handle most of the abuse to me because I know America doesn't think anybody's good enough for her. And that's awesome. And she deserves that. So I can play the role. Anyone in my shoes wouldn't be good enough for her. And that's awesome.

• 1:05:52Speaker 02

  It just, your name is Dax. You have a big personality and you have a podcast where you talk. We are going to find flaws about you that we can pit against you to say that you don't deserve America, sweetheart. That you don't deserve our snow princess. Having a podcast is putting you in the line of fire in a way that other celebrities aren't. You're going to say bonehead things. You're going to have vulnerable moments that people can attack. Like you're a funny, kind of ridiculously larger than life person. That's going to be problematic in some way because it can't not be.

• 1:06:20Dax Shepard?

  And I want all the upside. So guess what? I gotta take all the downside. Okay. I want to talk about, she does 10 solid minutes on her vagina. A great 10.

• 1:06:30Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 1:06:31Dax Shepard?

  Solid, strong 10.

• 1:06:32Speaker 02

  Got it.

• 1:06:33Dax Shepard?

  On your vagina.

• 1:06:35Speaker 02

  But some people don't like that.

• 1:06:36Dax Shepard?

  Listen, this has been a waste of your fear. We love this. We love it. I just gotta tell you.

• 1:06:41Speaker 02

  What?

• 1:06:41Dax Shepard?

  We love it. The description of her vagina, which she's insecure about.

• 1:06:44Speaker 02

  Endless. Oh, you love that stuff?

• 1:06:46Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 1:06:47Speaker 02

  Oh, thank you so much. I was thinking about talking about women, talking about their vaginas in general female comics. Like, I'm always insecure about, oh, they're saying, all she does is talk about her pussy. You read that comment about me constantly. Oh. And so I just lean into it because I'm like, but this is what the people want. This stuff kills.

• 1:07:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:07:01Speaker 02

  That's the part of my stuff that I always wanted to take out because it was just like, these are just pussy jokes and it's not as high caliber writing as other stuff I work on. But it was undeniable. It kills so hard. It's like, well, you gotta give the people what they want sometimes.

• 1:07:14Dax Shepard?

  I'll say it's even more than that. Every man in the audience is concerned about the size of their penis.

• 1:07:20Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:07:20Dax Shepard?

  And every female's worried that their vagina doesn't look right.

• 1:07:23Speaker 02

  Or doesn't look right.

• 1:07:24Dax Shepard?

  You are comforting all these people.

• 1:07:26Speaker 02

  I wanna make girls feel less lip shame.

• 1:07:29Dax Shepard?

  Sincerely.

• 1:07:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:07:30Dax Shepard?

  It's profound. When they're cutting to the audience and the way the women are laughing, it is with relief.

• 1:07:36Speaker 02

  I agree. Like, as a woman that had a vagina that I would say I still have anxiety about the idea of hooking up with someone new ever in the future of like, what if he doesn't like it? Or what if it smells a weird way? It doesn't go away, even though I am so open and people can just hear what it looks like.

• 1:07:51Dax Shepard?

  And yet you're still gonna be nervous.

• 1:07:52Speaker 02

  So nervous. So if I can give any woman a relief of, I'm not alone in that, that's why I do it. Because I wish someone would have been talking about their sloppy pussies. When I was coming up, when I was first starting to hook up and I compared myself to my friends and felt so disgusting and ugly, I would have, I loved that.

• 1:08:06Dax Shepard?

  And I wanna just tell you, as someone with a lot of male friends, we're in. We love it.

• 1:08:11Speaker 02

  A lot of you do, some of you don't.

• 1:08:13Dax Shepard?

  There are dudes who've not even been with women. They're telling you what they think they want and they don't even know what the fuck they're talking about.

• 1:08:18Speaker 02

  That's what I always tell women. When men are super horny, they don't see your stretch marks. They don't see your fat rolls. They don't see your floppy tits. They're kind of dumb. They're kind of like, duh, under a spell. Don't worry about the stuff when a guy is horny and if his dick is hard, he's not processing cellulite. He isn't.

• 1:08:34Dax Shepard?

  And you're not seeing his gut. You're looking at his shoulders.

• 1:08:37Speaker 02

  Maybe if I'm not turned on, I'm processing things. But if I am super wet and horny, you get dumb. That's why you put your mouth near a butthole.

• 1:08:44Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:44Speaker 02

  Why would you do that unless you were kind of dumb? So you don't have the cognitive functioning to like, take apart, dismantle someone's appearance when you're horny. So if a guy is horny, let loose a little bit.

• 1:08:54Dax Shepard?

  Enjoy the ride.

• 1:08:55Speaker 02

  Exactly. Just keep it clean. Yeah, do keep it clean. You know, keep it clean, but don't worry about your lips down there. I do feel though, that what you're saying is exactly right. But there are times where I will think about someone new and I'll be like, oh, but I wouldn't date them because of this thing. And I'm like, how many fucking things do you got that is like that? Would you want someone to dismiss you for that thing? That's the nervous part is in the dating stays before love. Because when you love someone, you really don't care about any of that stuff. It becomes hilarious or you just stop seeing it. I was just on Instagram last night and there was this account that's true celebrity skin texture. Oh my God, they turn up the structure, you know, like that knob that turns up the shadows that brings out every imperfection in your face. And they do that for all the red carpet. I was proud to make it because it's a popular account, but I was like, oh yeah, I'm included on this. It's all A-listers.

• 1:09:40Speaker 02

  And I get to mine and you could see my pores and the texture and just like, oh, it's like Play-Doh and I'm comparing it to other ones, like maybe that's not as bad as hers. And then I used to really love those accounts when I felt insecure and I wanted to see that celebrities weren't as pretty as they claimed to be. But then I was thinking about it and I was like, all these people in the comments are dismantling us and kind of calling us out for, oh, she's tried to hide this, but she couldn't. I commented, I was like, I am so ashamed of myself that I tried to hide my skin texture and pores when I was on a red carpet, taking a photo that thousands of people would see. I need to be more honest about my texture of my skin and more honest about my pores. And I'm so ashamed that I tried to feel pretty at a moment where it is imperative that you look pretty. Exactly. And I will never forget myself, I'm going to take some time to think about this.

• 1:10:24Dax Shepard?

  I'm going to take some time away.

• 1:10:25Speaker 02

  But I used to be one of the people that looked at that. I would never have commented like, eh, she did, she said. Like commenting is insane to me, but I understand being like, good. Oh, she has actually has acne or whatever, but it just felt like a hit piece for like trying to look pretty. And I'm sorry that I'm on this red carpet and you're not on it or that you feel like I'm lying to you. I'm not like, I'll tell you everything I did.

• 1:10:48Dax Shepard?

  But again, it goes back to like, no one in your whole life is ever going to come up to you and go, you've got shit skin texture. So you have to decide to walk into the room where people are acting like that.

• 1:10:57Speaker 02

  My clam team might be like, what's going on? But yeah.

• 1:11:00Dax Shepard?

  Well, they're going to hit you with some hard truths.

• 1:11:02Speaker 02

  My esthetician I go to see tomorrow might be like, you need to hydrate. But you're right.

• 1:11:05Dax Shepard?

  And at some point, this is how I take my own responsibilities, like I have to go enter into this room where people are behaving this way. It's not forced upon me.

• 1:11:13Speaker 02

  It's just jealousy and I understand jealousy.

• 1:11:15Dax Shepard?

  Do you watch as much porn as you claim to in the special?

• 1:11:18Speaker 02

  I go through spurts, but I have been watching a lot recently and a lot, meaning once I find the video I like, I'm done in literally five seconds, but I like to goon out for a little bit, rev up and make sure I'm coming to the best one.

• 1:11:30Dax Shepard?

  Yes, which is not possible.

• 1:11:32Speaker 02

  This one doesn't deserve it.

• 1:11:33Dax Shepard?

  It was four ago. What about when you realize it was four ago? You're like, oh God, he should have committed four ago. And you know, this guilt of wasting time.

• 1:11:41Speaker 02

  Why did you?

• 1:11:42Dax Shepard?

  And why'd you get greedy? Why'd you get so fucking greedy?

• 1:11:45Speaker 02

  And I run out very quickly. Like I have a joke in there where it's like, sometimes you get suggested like, here's a fisting video and you're like, ew, fisting. And they're like, you know, based on all the gangbangs you've been watching, we don't have anymore. And it's like, I literally have gotten to the place where I'm like, I'm out of gangbangs to watch. I took a break from porn just because I was busy or something, not because I was having sex. I don't know why. And I went back to it and I was so excited that there were months of production that led to more coming out, even though I love a vintage, like a pre nine 11, before the anxiety of that. Sometimes I do go back to like a 2000 one and it's like, oh my God, it's like modern enough, but like the world was different and everyone was freer.

• 1:12:23Dax Shepard?

  My question though was, are you scenario driven or I'm like very visually driven? Like I'm looking for something specific visually. Are you, is it very scenario?

• 1:12:34Speaker 02

  Mine is about, I want the guy to talk. I want the guy to be invested in it. I described in the special, like, I want him to be like almost a coach, like he's proud of what a crazy whore she is.

• 1:12:44Dax Shepard?

  Russian gymnast coach.

• 1:12:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, like he's like, you can do it. Like it's a gangbang. It's some kind of like physical feat of like so many holes, fisting or like something that I'm not even imagining myself necessarily doing, but it's just something impressive. Like this girl is such an insane whore and she's not doing something like there's ones like when you're looking in this area, you get into enemas and pissing on them and stuff like that, where I'm just like, no girl's enjoying that. I can see a world in which a girl would enjoy getting fessed. I've heard a girl talk about it and said it was great. So in my mind, I'm imagining this girl likes this, but it's a hard thing to do. She's like, I don't think I can. And the guy's like, you can do it. And like, I love that he's proud of her and he's horny for what an accomplished slut she is. I really like that. It's her work ethic. Yeah, so I need the guy, I don't want him slapping her, I don't want him being mean to her, calling her a dumb whore, degrading, spitting in her face. Like, I don't like that.

• 1:13:28Dax Shepard?

  Stern coach making her be better.

• 1:13:30Speaker 02

  Yes, I like him to be stern. This is such niche because most gangbangs are rough gangbangs. And if the word rough is in it, I can't watch it because I know she is not having a good time. And I know that this girl agreed to the shoot because girls, once you look into the industry, it's so fucking horrible. They move to Florida because they read about a Craigslist ad where they're a model for a thousand dollars, more money than these girls have ever seen in their fucking lives. They work at Waffle House and they didn't graduate high school. So they fly down to Florida alone. They sign a contract that they don't have time to read. Then they get thrown in a modeling shoot and then things get brought in and they are suddenly on camera and their life is ruined. There's some amount of time that it takes before they shoot it for it to get back to their small town. It's somewhere around a month or so. No. And by the time your dad will hear about it. And then they go back to their town because

• 1:14:13Speaker 02

  they have no money and they don't want to get beat up and put in these positions where they get into a porn where when you're a young girl, when you're 19 and you're shooting a video that's all of a sudden turned into a gangbang that you didn't agree to, do you think a 19-year-old from fucking Paducah, Kentucky, who dropped out of school, has the wherewithal around these guys in Miami to go, actually, I feel uncomfortable right now? You just keep agreeing to stuff and go, I hope it's over soon. And so I like to watch stuff that is made at reputable studios.

• 1:14:39Dax Shepard?

  Ethically sourced.

• 1:14:40Speaker 02

  Yes, but it's really hard to find that.

• 1:14:42Dax Shepard?

  Interestingly, we do have some overlap then because what I'm in search of, and it's so hard, I think it's easier to determine for the guys is like, it's very important to me that they love it.

• 1:14:51Speaker 02

  That the guy loves it.

• 1:14:52Dax Shepard?

  No.

• 1:14:52Speaker 02

  Or that the girl loves it. Oh, absolutely.

• 1:14:54Dax Shepard?

  She has to love it and then so you're looking for visual indicators of that.

• 1:14:58Speaker 02

  But I want her to be a little scared.

• 1:14:59Dax Shepard?

  Oh, you do?

• 1:14:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, but like it's scared in a way she likes. Like the way people watch horror films. They're scared, but they like it. Like I like her to eventually come. I like forced orgasm. Have you ever been into that? Where the girl's tied up and she's like, you know, like after you come, as a woman, multiple orgasms, after you come, it's so sensitive. And after a guy comes, like, don't touch a guy's penis after he comes. Be very gentle because it hurts because it's so sensitive. It's like a girl being forced to like keep coming even after it hurts, but then it feels good again. But it's like, it hurts so good. It's called forced orgasm and it's like girls being tied down. I always Fought orgasms because they just feel like a loss of control that I wasn't comfortable with. I couldn't do it for a really long time. Even when you were by yourself? Well, once I incorporated toys, but this is like my 30s until I actually was.

• 1:15:40Speaker 02

  Because I was so embarrassed because you look weird when you come and you sound weird and it's like really vulnerable. And so I never let myself do it, but then forced orgasm, it's like, it's not my fault. He made me. Like I didn't want it. So I getting what I want without being responsible at all. Like I didn't want to scream and look stupid and squirt all over the place or whatever happens. Like that's on me. Yeah. And then I think that's what's tied up in that.

• 1:16:03Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:03Speaker 02

  Literally.

• 1:16:04Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. It's fascinating, isn't it?

• 1:16:06Speaker 02

  It is fascinating.

• 1:16:06Dax Shepard?

  We're fascinating as humans.

• 1:16:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:16:09Dax Shepard?

  We're so similar and then also we're fascinating in these unique ways.

• 1:16:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, but I do feel like porn does rot your brain. Like I'm trying to take a break from it because my ideal sex is like being tied up and like all these things that it require a lot.

• 1:16:20Dax Shepard?

  That guy pulls his sibian out of his briefcase and sets it up in your room.

• 1:16:24Speaker 02

  Exactly. Like I need him to go to, you know, Home Depot. At least you've had real sex. I mean, the problem is for these young people who haven't had real sex and are just watching this and they think that really is. That's the problem. Or they can't get off to anything that isn't their hand without lube or like they don't even get off to a wet vagina because it's too slippery and not tight enough. Because they're just jerking dry. I have a friend who literally jerked dry so much as a kid and so tightly that vaginas are literally nothing to him. Like he can't come to a vagina because it's slippery. You could. He would talk about excessively. Shout out Andrew Collin. He's a comedian and he does a bit about it. He's hilarious and like, yes, I think it's bad for us, but I'm not doing it in succession. Like I've read about people with porn addictions where they come and then they have to do it again.

• 1:17:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, or they'll spend the whole day.

• 1:17:10Speaker 02

  I just hit a vape and then I'll maybe eat too much and then until I fall asleep, I'll rinse and repeat. You go from one thing to the next. Do you ever do that where you're like, I jerked off. Okay, now I guess I can eat. I'm done eating. I'm full. So now I'll vape weed. Now I'm anxious. I'm going to horny again. Let me maybe.

• 1:17:29Dax Shepard?

  Sounds like a great day. Nikki, I love having you.

• 1:17:32Speaker 02

  I can't believe after this conversation, we go from that to I have to go

• 1:17:37Speaker 02

  down the spirit tunnel like a good Christian woman. That has never done nothing in her life. So great. I can't wait to see it. I couldn't even find a clip for my special to play on Jennifer Hudson. It was all too dirty and it was not even cussing. Good for you.

• 1:17:51Dax Shepard?

  This will be my first time, but I think I'm going to set my DVR for Jennifer Hudson because I want to see how this turns out now.

• 1:17:57Speaker 02

  Look at it online.

• 1:17:58Dax Shepard?

  Well, I don't know how to do that.

• 1:18:00Speaker 02

  Go on YouTube and find it. Please don't watch it. It's gonna be so embarrassing. I'm building it up too much.

• 1:18:05Dax Shepard?

  So don't watch, good girl.

• 1:18:06Speaker 02

  It's too vulnerable. It's too exposing. I feel like if you watch it, you know way too much about me and I'm uncomfortable with it. If you watch it, just don't tell me in public because I get too embarrassed unless you absolutely loved it or something. But if you just watched, that's the worst. I saw your special.

• 1:18:19Dax Shepard?

  End of.

• 1:18:19Speaker 02

  And then they just sit and you're like, oh, you know, like, that's the worst. But if you know me, don't watch it because I can't hang out with you.

• 1:18:26Dax Shepard?

  I walked into Kristen's set yesterday. I went and visited her on set of her show and I stumbled into someone I know. And he goes, oh, hey, you're looking. And there's this long pause and he goes tan. And I was like, oh my God, he went through everything he could possibly compliment me on. And the only thing he could think of is tan and I'm not sure.

• 1:18:46Speaker 02

  Do you think that you looking was, he was gonna say something else and he goes, that might upset him?

• 1:18:51Dax Shepard?

  Like he looked at me and he first thought he's like, God, he looks so old. And he's like, I can't.

• 1:18:56Speaker 02

  I'm gonna say it. It could be it.

• 1:18:58Dax Shepard?

  It was a long pause and then tan. I was like, well, that's what you landed on.

• 1:19:03Speaker 02

  I think it's almost like you're saying, looking as jacked as you might not be what's in anymore. So him commenting on that might be insulting to you. Like that's where we're at now.

• 1:19:12Dax Shepard?

  I know. I'm watching the manosphere thing. I'm like, God, these guys have really bastardized being in shape.

• 1:19:16Speaker 02

  Oh, I know.

• 1:19:16Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, they really fucked it up for us. Like, nice guys who want to be in shape.

• 1:19:20Speaker 02

  The other day I was at Pilates and this really hot girl, perfect Pilates body, model hair, just perfect skin and everything. I just caught her looking me up and down, really taking it. And then she caught me seeing her and she felt really bad because she was in a judgmental state of mind. I looked like shit. I was wearing like Crocs with socks, like black socks, white Crocs. I looked really bad. I really did. And I catch her saying. Me and she feels bad and so she has to come up with a compliment. She did the same thing. She goes, I love, I love your, I love your phone case. And I was like, oh boy, that's all we got? And the funny part is I had just gotten one of those pop sockets on my phone case with a fucking big heart that was like a jelly heart that was so not this woman's style. It was horrific. It didn't even match my case. Like I had put it on the day before.

• 1:20:03Dax Shepard?

  And that was the favorite thing she had seen.

• 1:20:05Speaker 02

  And she goes, it's so basic. Like she followed it up with, and I go, is that in now to say basic? It was so funny. I was like, I got a chopped girl's compliment of like, she couldn't find anything else. Couldn't stop herself. It was so awesome.

• 1:20:19Dax Shepard?

  It was kind of great, man. Watching someone like ratchet through everything they could possibly say. And see like where the wheel's gonna land.

• 1:20:27Speaker 02

  She's just like, can't do the shoes, socks, can't do the spray tan, that's falling off. The set doesn't match.

• 1:20:31Dax Shepard?

  I think there's lettuce in the teeth.

• 1:20:33Speaker 02

  Yeah. And it was such a long pause. It was exactly the same thing.

• 1:20:36Dax Shepard?

  The fastest thinking she had done in years, like, like, terminate, no, no, no, no, no, no. Negative, negative, negative, not a match. Ding ding ding ding ding.

• 1:20:43Speaker 02

  And she looked like, I don't even think I was holding my phone case. It was like three feet from me. And she's like, phone case. Oh gosh. Oh no.

• 1:20:51Dax Shepard?

  Oh, I love it. Okay, Nikki, please come back a bunch, a bunch of times.

• 1:20:54Speaker 02

  We love you guys so much. I remember telling you like, I actually want to be friends with you and I want to get lunch. I stand by that. I think about you all the time because I sometimes want to say that to girls to give them a just nice thing to say. Yes, to be nice. And I never do because I'm like, then it takes away what it meant when I told Monica. Like it literally, I don't do it because I go, I say that for you. I really, you're the only person that I've said that to that I actually mean it. And I'm so sorry it hasn't happened, but I really like, I think about you all the time when I'm compelled to say that to people. That's very sweet. It means a lot to me and it means a lot to me that you invited me. You're housewarming and we DM all the time. You say the nicest things and I haven't really heard from you, but I feel like that goes this. We had the best text conversation after my last appearance that impacted me greatly of what a great person you are.

• 1:21:36Speaker 02

  Friends that like, whether we talk or not, that is in my corner and it made me feel so special.

• 1:21:41Dax Shepard?

  Oh, I'm at your disposal anytime you ever need it. I adore you.

• 1:21:44Speaker 02

  So nice. So thank you for that. And thank you for today. It was so fun.

• 1:21:48Dax Shepard?

  All right. Well, come back and let's do it again. Everyone watch the freedom tunnel. What is it? Spirit show? Spirit tunnel.

• 1:21:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, please don't.

• 1:21:56Dax Shepard?

  I sure hope there weren't any mistakes in that episode, but we'll find out when my mom, Mrs. Monica, comes in and tells us what was wrong.

• 1:22:05Dax Shepard?

  I'm currently racing around Coda on a motorcycle, Circuit of Americas.

• 1:22:11Speaker 01

  We can't wait to start over.

• 1:22:12Dax Shepard?

  Why?

• 1:22:13Speaker 01

  There was food in my teeth.

• 1:22:14Dax Shepard?

  But I was talking. They won't be on you.

• 1:22:17Speaker 01

  You don't know.

• 1:22:18Dax Shepard?

  Cut to her. Make sure you're on her.

• 1:22:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, you.

• 1:22:19Dax Shepard?

  They won't show you.

• 1:22:21Speaker 01

  I don't trust the process.

• 1:22:23Dax Shepard?

  I didn't see, where was the food at?

• 1:22:24Speaker 01

  Up here.

• 1:22:26Dax Shepard?

  How do you know? You felt it with your tongue part?

• 1:22:27Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 1:22:28Dax Shepard?

  Okay. I didn't see it.

• 1:22:30Speaker 01

  I felt it.

• 1:22:31Dax Shepard?

  Your lips covered it.

• 1:22:32Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 1:22:33Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. They saved you.

• 1:22:34Speaker 01

  Go on.

• 1:22:35Dax Shepard?

  Um, well, that's, that's currently, I may be, you might be hearing my voice right now, but currently, as this comes out, I am on the track in Austin.

• 1:22:44Speaker 01

  Okay. And tell us what that means.

• 1:22:46Dax Shepard?

  It means I go to the racetrack where they host the Formula One and the MotoGP race.

• 1:22:51Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 1:22:51Dax Shepard?

  There's a race on Sunday. I think it's the third round of the season. And then, then the following Monday, Aprilia does this track day. They make motorcycles. They have a bunch of motorcycles there and you ride all day long on the track.

• 1:23:06Speaker 01

  But you're racing in the competition?

• 1:23:09Dax Shepard?

  No, there's no competition. You're just out there.

• 1:23:12Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:23:12Dax Shepard?

  Racing yourself. Whoever's out there is who you're racing.

• 1:23:15Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 1:23:16Dax Shepard?

  You're trying to pass people.

• 1:23:17Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:23:18Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. But there's no checkered flag.

• 1:23:20Speaker 01

  All right.

• 1:23:21Dax Shepard?

  That's not true. There is a checkered flag at the end of every session. Yeah. The sessions are 20 minute sessions. And as you're riding on the track, you'll notice someone's waving the checker flag. That means come in. You gotta put your, your leg off the side of the motorcycle. Let people know you're pulling into the pits. You know, these are little safety.

• 1:23:36Speaker 01

  I know. You know what I like? I like that each industry has their own verbiage and their own little, um, ways of being that are specific to the industry. They're just niche, niche elements. And it's like, if you know it, you're in.

• 1:23:55Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, there's several different flags that can be waved.

• 1:23:59Speaker 01

  Oh, like when you wave the white flag, it means war is over.

• 1:24:03Dax Shepard?

  No, white flag means one last lap.

• 1:24:06Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:24:06Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:07Speaker 01

  Doesn't it also mean the war is over?

• 1:24:09Dax Shepard?

  Oh, that's a surrender. Yeah.

• 1:24:10Speaker 01

  Okay, great. Great.

• 1:24:12Dax Shepard?

  What you don't want is the black flag. If they point the black flag at you, you've done a bozo error. And you are being asked to leave the track because you're a dingus.

• 1:24:23Speaker 01

  Another example of black things being bad and white things being good.

• 1:24:32Dax Shepard?

  Well, how do you explain the checkered flag? It's half black and it means you've won the race. I mean, it's the best.

• 1:24:38Speaker 01

  Well, whatever. That's an anomaly, but the

• 1:24:41Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:24:41Speaker 01

  But the black flag is bad and the white flag is hip, hip, hooray.

• 1:24:48Dax Shepard?

  No, it's, well, surrender in your case. That means whites are weak.

• 1:24:52Speaker 01

  Well, no, it's, war is over. Everyone's happy.

• 1:24:55Dax Shepard?

  I don't think the side that surrenders generally happy when they were waving that flag, but

• 1:25:00Speaker 01

  The world is happy.

• 1:25:00Dax Shepard?

  I've never had to wave it, but I'm guessing as you're waving, it's not your happiest hour.

• 1:25:06Speaker 01

  Just keep your ears peeled for, you know, when you hear the word black in front of, I changed Jess's life by bringing this up.

• 1:25:15Dax Shepard?

  Oh, you did? Tell me how.

• 1:25:16Speaker 01

  He, now he see, he sees it everywhere.

• 1:25:18Dax Shepard?

  Tell me.

• 1:25:18Speaker 01

  And he's always texting me, giving me examples of, you know, black, uh, now I can't think of any. Okay.

• 1:25:25Dax Shepard?

  Okay. Black cat?

• 1:25:26Speaker 01

  Right. Bad luck. Black cat. You know? Yeah. Things like that.

• 1:25:30Dax Shepard?

  But here's where you get to decide, do you think it's about black people?

• 1:25:34Speaker 01

  I haven't said that.

• 1:25:35Dax Shepard?

  Right. I, I'm saying you get to decide if you think that's in reference to black people or that darkness is night. Light is day. Darkness is when it's scary. In blackness, you can't see anything. You're more vulnerable. Like, is it about light or is it about people? And then you, if you decide it's about people, then yeah, it's gonna be.

• 1:25:58Speaker 01

  We just don't know. We know that black, yeah, has a, has a

• 1:26:03Dax Shepard?

  Often negative connotation.

• 1:26:05Speaker 01

  Correct.

• 1:26:05Dax Shepard?

  But is it based in darkness or in people that are black?

• 1:26:08Speaker 01

  It could, it could be all mixy moo.

• 1:26:11Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:26:12Speaker 01

  You know?

• 1:26:13Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:13Speaker 01

  It could be chicken or the egg. It could be, there's a lot, you know, there's a lot.

• 1:26:17Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:18Speaker 01

  There's a lot there.

• 1:26:19Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:19Speaker 01

  But, um, anyway, just keep your ears peeled. It's kind of, it is actually kind of interesting and fun.

• 1:26:23Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I've, I've, I've been aware of that, uh, in the past myself.

• 1:26:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:26:28Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. But I don't think it's about black people. I think it's about lack of light.

• 1:26:32Speaker 01

  Okay. Well, we just don't know. We won't know.

• 1:26:33Dax Shepard?

  We'll never know unless we find out who first said a black cat is

• 1:26:38Speaker 01

  Bad luck.

• 1:26:39Dax Shepard?

  Bad luck. We'll define that. We're not gonna find that person. That's gotta be, they gotta be long dead.

• 1:26:44Speaker 01

  I would love to invite them to my, um, ghost.

• 1:26:47Dax Shepard?

  Discussion group?

• 1:26:48Speaker 01

  My ghost celebrity dinner party.

• 1:26:50Dax Shepard?

  Who would be at your celebrity?

• 1:26:52Speaker 01

  My ghost one?

• 1:26:54Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:54Speaker 01

  It's a great question. Um, you know who I would invite? I would invite JonBenet Ramsey.

• 1:27:01Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 1:27:01Speaker 01

  Let's get some answers, girl.

• 1:27:03Dax Shepard?

  You wanna find out?

• 1:27:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, I really wanna find out.

• 1:27:06Dax Shepard?

  Well, that's a fun idea is inviting people that could answer mysteries.

• 1:27:09Speaker 01

  Exactly. I want answers.

• 1:27:11Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:12Speaker 01

  Um, who else would I want there? Who?

• 1:27:14Dax Shepard?

  Jesus, right?

• 1:27:15Speaker 01

  Uh, nah.

• 1:27:16Dax Shepard?

  Really? You don't wanna try to get eyes on him to see if he was like a snake oil salesman or sincere? Or truly the son of God, or you don't even wanna know?

• 1:27:28Speaker 01

  I don't, well, this is, people might be very offended by this. I'm just like not all that intrigued by Jesus.

• 1:27:35Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:36Speaker 01

  I'm intrigued by what people have done.

• 1:27:39Dax Shepard?

  Well, he's clearly the most famous man to ever live. So in that respect, I would.

• 1:27:44Speaker 01

  Not because of necessarily who he was. Like, I think he might be boring at my table. Like, I want, and like, is he gonna get along with JonBenet Ramsey?

• 1:27:55Dax Shepard?

  I think, well, if he's, if there's any.

• 1:27:56Speaker 01

  Kid.

• 1:27:57Dax Shepard?

  There's anything everyone agrees about him? He was very nice. He was a very nice forgiving man.

• 1:28:01Speaker 01

  He was nice, but he was like, he had opinions. He had strong, morally, like, good opinions.

• 1:28:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, all the opinions were definitely like.

• 1:28:11Speaker 01

  I agree with his opinions. I just don't know if JonBenet Ramsey is gonna like feel, um, judged. Actually, she.

• 1:28:19Dax Shepard?

  She was a child, so it's gonna be a rough dinner party guest regardless.

• 1:28:23Speaker 01

  Maybe she can like come for the beginning and leave.

• 1:28:26Dax Shepard?

  Come for dessert. That'll be the big surprise at the end of dinner. It's like, we're gonna find out the end of a big mystery. Jimmy Hoffa, you could also invite and find out what happened to him, who killed him.

• 1:28:35Speaker 01

  Who's he?

• 1:28:37Dax Shepard?

  Very famous. He was a

• 1:28:39Speaker 01

  I know the name.

• 1:28:40Dax Shepard?

  Teamster boss.

• 1:28:41Speaker 01

  Oh, right. There's that movie about him.

• 1:28:43Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, um, I want to say De Niro played Hoffa.

• 1:28:47Speaker 01

  Yes, Scorsese movie.

• 1:28:49Dax Shepard?

  Uh huh. And there's a bazillion rumors about how he was killed. There's allegations he was mobbed up. He was taking Teamster money to, I think, invest in casinos. There was a lot of

• 1:29:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:29:02Dax Shepard?

  action happening.

• 1:29:02Speaker 01

  I'm good on him.

• 1:29:03Dax Shepard?

  You don't need to know about him.

• 1:29:04Speaker 01

  I don't need to know about him. But, oh, you know who I want to have? Charles Manson. Not at the same time as JonBenet Ramsey. I'm gonna keep those two apart.

• 1:29:12Dax Shepard?

  He's not invited to dessert.

• 1:29:13Speaker 01

  He's there for apps. And apps only. But I really, I want to, that's someone, like, kind of how you're uh, describing Jesus.

• 1:29:23Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:23Speaker 01

  That's how I feel about Charles Manson. Like, he got all these people under his spell.

• 1:29:28Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:28Speaker 01

  And I want to see that.

• 1:29:30Dax Shepard?

  You want to see if he could put you under his spell?

• 1:29:33Speaker 01

  I just want to see what his personality, like, how do you do that?

• 1:29:35Dax Shepard?

  What if he, what if he converts you in that limited time? You're not afraid of that?

• 1:29:39Speaker 01

  I don't think there'll be time for us to go, like, do a big murder.

• 1:29:42Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:29:42Speaker 01

  So I think it's fine.

• 1:29:43Dax Shepard?

  But I wonder if he could woo you into thinking he is the Messiah.

• 1:29:47Speaker 01

  I know.

• 1:29:48Dax Shepard?

  By the way, it could be a Messiah-only dinner, and it's a lot of people who've claimed to be the Messiah.

• 1:29:52Speaker 01

  That would be really interesting. And then see how they clash.

• 1:29:57Dax Shepard?

  Uh huh.

• 1:29:57Speaker 01

  Because they're all gonna be, like, really gunning.

• 1:29:59Dax Shepard?

  I'm gonna have Muhammad at mine as well. The prophet for Islam. I'm gonna find, uh, I'm gonna try to get a read on him as well.

• 1:30:05Speaker 01

  So you're gonna have Jesus and Muhammad?

• 1:30:07Dax Shepard?

  The thing about Jesus is, everything we know about him was written a couple hundred years after he died, unfortunately. So I do want to know, like, how accurate the description is with

• 1:30:17Speaker 01

  With the real man.

• 1:30:18Dax Shepard?

  Certainly. Also, people would be, that's such a good future dinner party story, is to say, I had dinner with Jesus.

• 1:30:24Speaker 01

  Rob, if Dax and I came to you and we said, we both came from dinner parties, um, who do you want to talk to? Me, who had JonBenet Ramsey, or Dax, who had Jesus? You only get to pick one of us and learn information. What would you pick?

• 1:30:44Dax Shepard?

  Probably Jesus. See, I think this is gendered. I don't think men are as consumed with what happened to JonBenet Ramsey. And just across the board, I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that I think, like, I'm not terribly interested in finding out.

• 1:31:00Speaker 01

  Really?

• 1:31:01Dax Shepard?

  Not because I don't think it's terrible that she died, but it makes no difference that she's unfortunately passed. It's not gonna heal anything for me.

• 1:31:13Speaker 01

  It's gonna bring closure to a very open-ended question that's very haunting. Like, I, I just really want to know if it's the brother. Oh, my God, do you think?

• 1:31:26Dax Shepard?

  See, I don't even know that that's an option. Yeah, I don't either.

• 1:31:29Speaker 01

  No shade. And if he listens to this podcast, great, actually. And I, I, I thank you for listening and I hope you're doing well.

• 1:31:36Dax Shepard?

  How about you tell me where you heard this theory laid out?

• 1:31:39Speaker 01

  Very, very common theory.

• 1:31:41Dax Shepard?

  Okay, and you, did you watch a doc?

• 1:31:43Speaker 01

  That he hit her in the head with his bowl of pineapple and milk.

• 1:31:45Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay.

• 1:31:47Speaker 01

  And it killed her.

• 1:31:49Dax Shepard?

  That's a real serious bludgeon.

• 1:31:52Speaker 01

  Oh, no, no.

• 1:31:53Dax Shepard?

  And how old is he?

• 1:31:55Speaker 01

  Well, now, I don't.

• 1:31:56Dax Shepard?

  No, at that time.

• 1:31:57Speaker 01

  Oh, he was a kid, too. That's why.

• 1:31:59Dax Shepard?

  He had the power to?

• 1:32:00Speaker 01

  There's a few theories about the brother taking out some aggression on JonBenet Ramsey. And the parents, of course, of course, I would do this too, maybe, actually, I don't want to say that. The parents, uh, did not want to turn in their child.

• 1:32:19Dax Shepard?

  Sure, no.

• 1:32:20Speaker 01

  So, that's how all this happened.

• 1:32:23Dax Shepard?

  Okay, that's, that's an acting theory.

• 1:32:26Speaker 01

  That's a, that's a big theory.

• 1:32:27Dax Shepard?

  I can give you another example.

• 1:32:28Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:32:29Dax Shepard?

  I have no interest in finding out if there's more than one shooter for JFK. Like, I'm totally satisfied with that it was, um, Lee Harvey Oswald.

• 1:32:40Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:32:41Dax Shepard?

  I don't, I wouldn't waste a guest on that.

• 1:32:44Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 1:32:44Dax Shepard?

  I don't, it doesn't keep me up at night trying to figure out that whole thing.

• 1:32:49Speaker 01

  Oh, you know who that reminds me of who I I would have, but can I can I do a two for one?

• 1:32:54Dax Shepard?

  I guess, yeah.

• 1:32:55Speaker 01

  Okay, it's a couple. So let's just act like they're one, you know? Um, JFK Junior and Carolyn Bissett Kennedy.

• 1:33:01Dax Shepard?

  Cause you're watching the show.

• 1:33:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I'm just, I've always been sort of very intrigued by them. And she's so fashion, just like I wonder, and I I do wanna know last moments.

• 1:33:14Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God, from the airplane?

• 1:33:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, like what, how did it feel like what? Did you have peace? No, like, things like that, like, did did peace happen?

• 1:33:25Dax Shepard?

  Well, you're not watching Madison, I can't imagine. Madison's a new Taylor Sheridan show. I'm watching it because Kevin Ziegler's is on it.

• 1:33:32Speaker 01

  Oh, your friend?

• 1:33:34Dax Shepard?

  And Ziegler's plays a very handsome, studly cowboy. It's very fun to watch him in that role. Um, but the first episode Kurt Russell and his brother die in a small aircraft. Uh, and they get into weather. And yeah, as it's being at least executed in that, I'm like, yeah, you're completely blind all of a sudden. You're like now staring at, uh, gauges. You don't know where you're at in time and space.

• 1:34:02Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 1:34:02Dax Shepard?

  And then you crash is terrible.

• 1:34:04Speaker 01

  Horrible.

• 1:34:05Dax Shepard?

  Like the feeling of everyone being disoriented, like, I don't know if we're flying up or down or sideways or left or right. And it's blind. I mean.

• 1:34:13Speaker 01

  But I just wonder what happens to your nervous, like, I I wonder if you really know. You're like, ah, yeah.

• 1:34:18Dax Shepard?

  Well, I, again, I had that experience when rolling in the car. I was like, oh, yeah, this is it.

• 1:34:23Speaker 01

  I know it wasn't it, thank God.

• 1:34:25Dax Shepard?

  Well, yes, but, um, whether you know or not, when you can decide this is gonna end fatally is what I'm sharing with you.

• 1:34:32Speaker 01

  I know. I just wonder if that, I guess that's sort of the thing I'm saying. We we can't know what the difference is from feeling like you're gonna die and dying to feeling like you're gonna die and not dying. I just wonder, like, there might be some chem- true chemical difference that's happening in our bodies.

• 1:34:49Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I'm only offering you what it was like when my equivalent of looking out and we can't see anything. And we're looking at instruments.

• 1:34:59Dax Shepard?

  And you go, oh yeah, we're about to die. This is how that goes. So I've had that experience.

• 1:35:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:35:06Dax Shepard?

  And that experience was far less terrifying than I would have guessed. My surrender to it was weirdly peaceful.

• 1:35:14Speaker 01

  Yeah. Well, I want to ask them, and I want to ask them how they feel about the show.

• 1:35:19Dax Shepard?

  That's currently out. Okay. You want to see if they're watching it?

• 1:35:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, I just want to see how they feel about a show being made about their lives. And if they're like, actually, like, it's fine. Or if they're like, yeah, this is not accurate and we're pretty pissed about it.

• 1:35:36Speaker 03

  Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert if you dare.

• 1:35:48Dax Shepard?

  I would never want a show portraying what was happening inside of my house by people who were not inside my house. I would never, ever want that.

• 1:35:55Speaker 01

  I don't think anyone would want that.

• 1:35:56Dax Shepard?

  I don't think you, even if you did a nice job and it was, it was flattering, you would miss what's special about our family. And I don't want you telling a version of our family. That's not the real version.

• 1:36:07Speaker 01

  I'm not.

• 1:36:07Dax Shepard?

  You know?

• 1:36:08Speaker 01

  Right. I mean, yeah, I'm sure that's what Prince Harry feels.

• 1:36:11Dax Shepard?

  When he's watching The Crown? Yeah.

• 1:36:14Speaker 01

  That's such a good show, though.

• 1:36:15Dax Shepard?

  Because the whole show's about the interpersonal.

• 1:36:17Speaker 01

  Yeah. The Queen, his grandma.

• 1:36:20Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, there is no show other than the interpersonal dynamics. And no, the writers weren't there.

• 1:36:25Speaker 01

  And his dad and all those things.

• 1:36:27Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:36:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's, that's, it's tough.

• 1:36:29Dax Shepard?

  I guess then the question, the moral question is like, so we disagree. It's like, not good for the family. That's, that's pretty obvious.

• 1:36:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:36:36Dax Shepard?

  And then you got, I guess, weigh that against societally, does it, is there some greater good that you should be asked to just deal with and sacrifice that? And I'm open to that argument. I'd love to hear it, like, presented succinctly.

• 1:36:51Speaker 01

  Well, this is, this is circling back to our last fact check, because we do talk about this show and I, you know, say like, I recognize this is like, not a good show to actually be consuming, and yet I kind of can't stop.

• 1:37:03Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:37:05Speaker 01

  No, I don't think there's any greater good that telling the the romanticized version of JFK Junior and Carolyn. I don't think that's doing anything for society, other than, other than,

• 1:37:22Speaker 01

  if it's, if someone's having a dark time and they're enjoying that show so much and it's like pulling them out of some depression. Great, but that's so individual. I don't think we could say like as a whole.

• 1:37:35Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:37:36Speaker 01

  That that is worth it. Let's see, there really are not many facts for Nikki, but it was such a great episode and I just love her.

• 1:37:44Dax Shepard?

  I did too. She's um, she's equal parts hilarious and self-aware and smart.

• 1:37:52Speaker 01

  She is.

• 1:37:53Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:37:53Speaker 01

  Things.

• 1:37:54Dax Shepard?

  Dream guest.

• 1:37:55Speaker 01

  She's a great guest.

• 1:37:56Dax Shepard?

  Are you gonna watch her stand-up special? Are you gonna heed her, her plea to not watch it?

• 1:38:01Speaker 01

  Um, I'm gonna watch. I have to watch it.

• 1:38:05Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:38:05Speaker 01

  I wanna watch it so bad, but I, I, I heard her say, don't.

• 1:38:09Dax Shepard?

  You will just, I think she also made it clear that if you watch it, just don't tell her you did.

• 1:38:13Speaker 01

  Exactly. I'm not going to.

• 1:38:14Dax Shepard?

  So when you, did you go out with her on Sunday?

• 1:38:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, we hung out.

• 1:38:18Dax Shepard?

  Oh, you did?

• 1:38:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:38:19Dax Shepard?

  What did you guys do?

• 1:38:20Speaker 01

  We had lunch. It was such a lovely time and I like her so much. Yeah, we really, you know, you're around some, you, you know, when you just like get the vibe, you're like, I really could be friends with this person.

• 1:38:35Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah. When, I mean, on the show?

• 1:38:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:38:37Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

• 1:38:39Speaker 01

  I don't, I actually don't feel that that often, um, but I did feel it with Nikki. And after the first appearance, um, she DM'd me, I think you guys exchanged numbers. She DM'd me and said, I was too nervous to ask for your number.

• 1:38:57Dax Shepard?

  Oh, that's so cute.

• 1:38:58Speaker 01

  So cute, but I wanna hang out. Anyway, so, um, we hung out and, and I was right. I was like, yeah.

• 1:39:07Dax Shepard?

  Hmm, yeah.

• 1:39:07Speaker 01

  We're, we're meant to be friends.

• 1:39:09Dax Shepard?

  Simpatico.

• 1:39:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, she's really, really cool. Seeing of another time I did this, maybe the only other time. Kate Mara.

• 1:39:19Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 1:39:20Speaker 01

  Is in a show Imperfect Women currently.

• 1:39:22Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:39:23Speaker 01

  And there's only two episodes out. I didn't know that. So I started the show, blew through those two and I was like, oh, you know, wait. Had to throw a tantrum because it was only two episodes out.

• 1:39:32Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:39:33Speaker 01

  And I, and she doesn't live here anymore. She lives on the East Coast.

• 1:39:37Dax Shepard?

  Ugh.

• 1:39:37Speaker 01

  Very sad.

• 1:39:38Dax Shepard?

  Annoying.

• 1:39:39Speaker 01

  And I like picked up my phone to text her and it was 2 AM our time.

• 1:39:43Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so 5 AM.

• 1:39:44Speaker 01

  5 AM and I was like, it's not right. Yeah, I was watching and watching and watching.

• 1:39:51Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:39:51Speaker 01

  I told you, right, that my mom, when my mom was visiting, she does the same thing.

• 1:39:57Dax Shepard?

  She binges.

• 1:39:59Speaker 01

  And she'll watch until 2, 3.

• 1:40:01Dax Shepard?

  You guys are naughty. And how late will she sleep?

• 1:40:03Speaker 01

  She likes to sleep.

• 1:40:04Dax Shepard?

  She'll get her eight hours in, no matter what time she goes to bed. And then she peels back the time over the next few days?

• 1:40:10Speaker 01

  No, she just keeps it going.

• 1:40:11Dax Shepard?

  Just keeps going. Good for her. She's a vampire. She's a vamp.

• 1:40:14Speaker 01

  Yep. Anyway, so I, I was like, I can't in like, good conscience text Kate right now at that, this hour.

• 1:40:23Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:40:24Speaker 01

  But I, so I waited until the morning and as soon as I woke up, I said, two episodes?

• 1:40:28Dax Shepard?

  Fuck you.

• 1:40:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:40:30Dax Shepard?

  She getting you a link or anything?

• 1:40:31Speaker 01

  She's working on it.

• 1:40:32Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:40:35Speaker 01

  But I'm in, I'm hooked. It's got my, it's got its hooks in me and I wanna know.

• 1:40:40Dax Shepard?

  Um, Delte's away at a fun camp.

• 1:40:42Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:40:43Dax Shepard?

  With the school.

• 1:40:44Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:40:45Dax Shepard?

  So exciting. Um, Lincoln had gone to the same one with school and, and loved it.

• 1:40:50Speaker 01

  Ah.

• 1:40:51Dax Shepard?

  It's where she learned that Uranus is a gaseous planet. There's a part two to it.

• 1:40:58Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:40:59Dax Shepard?

  That's great.

• 1:40:59Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:41:00Dax Shepard?

  Anyway, she's there, which means we've had, um, two nights without her where the three of us can watch whatever we want. And Lincoln is now older, so she has an appetite for more adult drama.

• 1:41:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:41:14Dax Shepard?

  Intense shows.

• 1:41:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:41:16Dax Shepard?

  So the three of us love Paradise.

• 1:41:19Speaker 01

  I was about to start season two last night and I didn't yet.

• 1:41:23Dax Shepard?

  You're gonna love it.

• 1:41:23Speaker 01

  Ooh, I can't wait.

• 1:41:24Dax Shepard?

  And we got all the way through seven. There's only eight episodes.

• 1:41:29Speaker 01

  They do this.

• 1:41:30Dax Shepard?

  And now we're in trouble because Delta returns.

• 1:41:33Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:41:34Dax Shepard?

  And we are dying to see the resolution of this season.

• 1:41:37Speaker 01

  Oh no. She, just send her to my house to hang for a bit.

• 1:41:42Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:41:42Speaker 01

  And you guys secretly watch the show.

• 1:41:43Dax Shepard?

  She likes this Korean high school drama. It's very Beverly Hills 90210, but it's in Korea.

• 1:41:48Speaker 01

  Cool.

• 1:41:48Dax Shepard?

  And, uh, and I was laying with her in bed, gonna watch an episode of that before we go to bed and that, you know. Those shows get me. Any high school drama, I'm in. There's so much drama in high school. So many people like so many people and they like the wrong person. They like their best friend's friend, or boyfriend, and it is, it's a juicy playground for drama.

• 1:42:09Speaker 01

  Hard time to live.

• 1:42:10Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. So I love that. That's so cute. Delta's into like these kinda high school drama. Oh, and then I showed, I showed them all Can't Buy Me Love a few nights ago. Favorite movie. Dempsey, I'm gonna say it in public. Patrick Dempsey, who's currently so handsome.

• 1:42:30Speaker 01

  Oh, my god, yeah.

• 1:42:30Dax Shepard?

  He's in Smoke Show.

• 1:42:32Speaker 01

  He is.

• 1:42:32Dax Shepard?

  He was so fucking cute as a teenager and very, very Timothy Chalamet. It's a very similar vibe. And I'm like, yeah, he was our Timothy Chalamet, but he just kinda

• 1:42:48Speaker 01

  Interesting.

• 1:42:48Dax Shepard?

  disappeared for a while and then popped back up as a super handsome adult male.

• 1:42:52Speaker 01

  Grey's Anatomy.

• 1:42:54Dax Shepard?

  But he's got that same wiry, super alive eyes. He is incredible in Can't Buy Me Love. What a movie.

• 1:43:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:43:04Dax Shepard?

  They loved it.

• 1:43:05Speaker 01

  He's so handsome.

• 1:43:06Dax Shepard?

  He is really handsome. Him or Noah Wiley?

• 1:43:10Speaker 01

  Don't make me. I mean, obviously Noah Wiley.

• 1:43:13Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great.

• 1:43:14Speaker 01

  Cause like.

• 1:43:15Dax Shepard?

  The whole thing.

• 1:43:16Speaker 01

  He's such a good doctor.

• 1:43:18Dax Shepard?

  So was McDreamy.

• 1:43:19Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:43:20Dax Shepard?

  He might have even been better. I don't even know.

• 1:43:22Speaker 01

  No, but.

• 1:43:23Dax Shepard?

  I didn't watch, I mean.

• 1:43:24Speaker 01

  He was a great, he was a great.

• 1:43:26Dax Shepard?

  Really good doctor. Oh, brain.

• 1:43:28Speaker 01

  I know, hot.

• 1:43:29Dax Shepard?

  Tip of the top.

• 1:43:30Speaker 01

  But, you know, he's only had one role as a doc. So I like, I, I, I grain of salt.

• 1:43:40Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay.

• 1:43:41Speaker 01

  You know, Noah Wiley is a doctor at this point.

• 1:43:45Dax Shepard?

  He's done two.

• 1:43:46Speaker 01

  I think someone should give him his M.D. for real.

• 1:43:49Dax Shepard?

  I'm sure he has an honorary.

• 1:43:50Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:43:51Dax Shepard?

  He's always out at colleges and doctor conventions and in front of Congress. He is like.

• 1:43:56Speaker 01

  I know.

• 1:43:57Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:43:58Speaker 01

  He's doing the right thing. I've never, Patrick Dempsey's always like riding motorcycles with you. And he's never at the rape treatment center.

• 1:44:05Dax Shepard?

  He's racing cars. I had, it was, it was, it was a big moment for me because the girls got super interested in him after Can't Buy Me Love. And then they wanna see pictures of him now. And then they realized, oh, they had seen him on the commercials for that thing. And then Kristen said he's also a really good driver like daddy. And I said, yeah, he's even, he's faster.

• 1:44:26Speaker 01

  Whoa.

• 1:44:29Dax Shepard?

  I don't know. He does, I don't know how he does in rally. I don't know how he does drifting. I don't know his, his full suite of skills, but on a road course, he's faster. And I admitted that to my children and it was, it was not easy for me.

• 1:44:42Speaker 01

  And how'd you feel afterwards? Like totally fine?

• 1:44:44Dax Shepard?

  Honest. They still loved me. Yeah.

• 1:44:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:44:47Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. I added, we're probably the two fastest drivers of all actors.

• 1:44:51Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:44:51Dax Shepard?

  From Planters.

• 1:44:52Speaker 01

  They probably.

• 1:44:53Dax Shepard?

  We're embarrassed about that second part I said.

• 1:44:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:44:55Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:44:57Speaker 01

  You could have stopped there.

• 1:44:58Dax Shepard?

  I think more Kristen was like, oh, wow. You're gonna say that. And I go, yeah, he is. He is. A lot more track time.

• 1:45:04Speaker 01

  Well, how should I reciprocate? Like, I should say someone's better than me.

• 1:45:09Dax Shepard?

  At something.

• 1:45:09Speaker 01

  At something that I feel a lot of pride in.

• 1:45:12Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. So what would that be?

• 1:45:14Speaker 01

  Okay, fashion?

• 1:45:15Dax Shepard?

  There we go. Oh, good. Who's more fashionable than you?

• 1:45:20Speaker 01

  Well, that's, I mean, like so many people.

• 1:45:22Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay.

• 1:45:23Speaker 01

  Well, are they? Cause they get styled. Um, street style.

• 1:45:29Dax Shepard?

  There's another, is there another, is there another podcaster that has a better style than you?

• 1:45:33Speaker 01

  I mean, there's like a Vogue podcast. So those girls are gonna.

• 1:45:37Dax Shepard?

  You would hope.

• 1:45:38Speaker 01

  They're gonna be as fashionable as me.

• 1:45:42Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:45:43Speaker 01

  I'm kidding. No, actually, there are two hosts of the Vogue podcast. And I know for certain, at least one of them is far more fashionable than me.

• 1:45:55Dax Shepard?

  Okay. Are they independent from the podcast, like fashion journalists? Like, what are their bona fides? They work at Vogue?

• 1:46:03Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:46:03Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:46:04Speaker 01

  One of them is the current editor.

• 1:46:05Dax Shepard?

  That's a tricky job because it's not, you're not starting at 500,000 a year, yet you're gonna be expected to have impeccable style. So what do they do? Are they getting freebies?

• 1:46:15Speaker 01

  Well, these girls are like, they like run Vogue, basically. So they have money.

• 1:46:19Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:46:19Speaker 01

  Um, but like, yeah, when you like, when you interview at Vogue and you have to look perfect and yeah, you don't have much money.

• 1:46:26Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:46:27Speaker 01

  That is fashion on another level because you can like, put together an outfit out of, um.

• 1:46:34Speaker 01

  Not a lot out of trash gear. Yeah.

• 1:46:38Speaker 01

  Why don't we just say this? Mindy is just like better than me across the board.

• 1:46:42Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 1:46:43Speaker 01

  At everything.

• 1:46:44Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow. Not gymnastics, not cheer.

• 1:46:47Speaker 01

  Never seen her do those things.

• 1:46:49Dax Shepard?

  Nah.

• 1:46:49Speaker 01

  So I will say I'm probably. Oh, you think I'm good at parallel parking?

• 1:46:53Dax Shepard?

  I think you're better than her. I'm gonna, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you're better than her.

• 1:46:57Speaker 01

  That's crazy. That's crazy. Yeah. I, I'm, I'm only okay.

• 1:47:01Dax Shepard?

  I think you're better.

• 1:47:02Speaker 01

  I don't actually.

• 1:47:03Dax Shepard?

  I've assessed her from afar. Is that mean as good as you at, at, at parallel parking?

• 1:47:07Speaker 01

  I feel actually weirdly defensive of her.

• 1:47:09Dax Shepard?

  I know. It's interesting. Yeah.

• 1:47:11Speaker 01

  Because you know why? Cause she grew up in a city.

• 1:47:15Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, not driving.

• 1:47:16Speaker 01

  No, she, you have to drive in Boston.

• 1:47:19Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:47:19Speaker 01

  But I think you have to parallel park more. I never had to parallel park until my

• 1:47:24Dax Shepard?

  Los Angeles.

• 1:47:25Speaker 01

  driver's test in Atlanta once, and then when I arrived in Los Angeles.

• 1:47:33Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:47:33Speaker 01

  It was my second time. So I, um.

• 1:47:36Dax Shepard?

  You think she's better?

• 1:47:37Speaker 01

  I think she's better than me at parallel parking.

• 1:47:39Dax Shepard?

  Alright.

• 1:47:39Speaker 01

  She's a better rider than me. There's no, there's no question.

• 1:47:43Dax Shepard?

  Well, but is that your primary identity?

• 1:47:45Speaker 01

  I, I have a lot of pride in my riding. Yeah.

• 1:47:47Dax Shepard?

  As you should.

• 1:47:48Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 1:47:49Dax Shepard?

  My driving's above my acting, my podcasting, my writing, my lovemaking, my everything.

• 1:47:55Speaker 01

  Oh my God. What is mine?

• 1:47:56Dax Shepard?

  It's tied with fighting, I think.

• 1:47:58Speaker 01

  Oh no. These are, Dax, no.

• 1:48:03Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:48:04Speaker 01

  Can fighting like at this point come down at this point?

• 1:48:08Dax Shepard?

  No, it's very much who I am and it's very much, yeah, no. Yeah.

• 1:48:14Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:48:14Dax Shepard?

  Like, did you see this thing? This is incredible. Do you see this viral, viral thing? The guy who plays Jack Reacher, Alan Richson, who plays Jack Reacher, he's enormous.

• 1:48:24Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:48:25Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. Look at him. He's a beast.

• 1:48:28Speaker 01

  We have a picture of him up for the listener.

• 1:48:29Dax Shepard?

  I can't believe you haven't, um, none of the, this videos have come across your Instagram. So he was riding a motorcycle in his neighborhood in Texas with his two boys riding littler motorcycles behind him. Apparently they had done some laps. He happened to have. A body camera on.

• 1:48:47Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 1:48:47Dax Shepard?

  And neighbors are filming from across the street. So this whole thing is very, very documented.

• 1:48:51Speaker 01

  What happened?

• 1:48:52Dax Shepard?

  This one neighbor, this really big guy from, he's not from here. He has some kind of a, I don't, I don't want to offend anyone. I don't know if he's got an English accent or an Australian accent, whatever he's got. Big dude, um, comes out and just screaming at them, stop riding this, stop riding these fucking motorcycles. I'm calling the cops. He's chatting out, right? He's just a total chat. And he jumps in front of, uh, Richson's motorcycle.

• 1:49:19Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 1:49:20Dax Shepard?

  And then Rich, Richson falls.

• 1:49:24Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 1:49:24Dax Shepard?

  Falls. He gets up and he's telling the guy, get, get away from me.

• 1:49:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:49:28Dax Shepard?

  Right? I'm gonna bludgeon you. Get away from me. And the guy's still screaming at him, his face pointing at him. He gets back on his motorcycle. He goes to pull away and the guy stands in front of his motorcycle again and pushes him. And now he falls off his motorcycle again. And then Alan beats the shit out of this guy hard.

• 1:49:45Speaker 01

  Oh, no. This is like not, this is what everyone wants to be, you want to be best at? Like, this is like, no.

• 1:49:54Dax Shepard?

  Yes. I, when a, when an asshole like that comes out and shoves me off my motorcycle in the street and thinks he can behave that way. I want the ability to show him he's not in charge.

• 1:50:06Speaker 01

  Guy is also thinking that.

• 1:50:08Dax Shepard?

  That one guy started the whole situation.

• 1:50:11Speaker 01

  He identifies that way too. That's the whole issue. It's two people who identify like that, that come together and create chaos.

• 1:50:18Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. And in your mind, it'd be better if the guy who's shoving people off his motorcycle got away with it.

• 1:50:23Speaker 01

  That guy sucks. I hate that guy. But that guy, my point is that guy is also the same type of guy. He thinks he's defending the neighborhood.

• 1:50:31Dax Shepard?

  He's not the same type of guy. Alan is not the type of guy that would be out in the street shoving strangers. So they're not the same type of guy at all. One guy's an asshole and one guy's a nice dude riding with his family. And then luckily the bully in the situation did not have the upper hand. In fact, he didn't have anything to back it up.

• 1:50:46Speaker 01

  Guy who likes to fight.

• 1:50:47Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. Alan didn't like to fight. He wasn't starting anything. But when, when he was assaulted.

• 1:50:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:50:53Dax Shepard?

  He quickly had the upper hand over this bully.

• 1:50:57Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:50:57Dax Shepard?

  And that's a great thing.

• 1:50:58Speaker 01

  I'm fine with that. I'm just saying liking to fight.

• 1:51:02Dax Shepard?

  No.

• 1:51:03Speaker 01

  Is not a quality I think should be at the top of your list.

• 1:51:06Dax Shepard?

  Liking to not be subjugated by assholes is what I like. So when a man, a stranger comes out and tries to act his will on you and stop what you're doing and shove you off your motorcycle.

• 1:51:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, obviously.

• 1:51:18Dax Shepard?

  I like when that person doesn't have to be a victim, they can get up and be the victor.

• 1:51:23Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 1:51:23Dax Shepard?

  I like it a lot.

• 1:51:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, that, but I'm, we were talking about your ranking of identity markers.

• 1:51:31Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, so I want to be the guy that if you attack me and try to bully me or victimize me, you're not going to get away with it. That's a very important part of my identity as I move through the world.

• 1:51:41Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:51:43Speaker 01

  Well, anyway, Mindy, she's better than me a lot of things. It's great. It is great. All right, now, only two facts. This is a picture of Nikki as the masked singer. I remember she told us she's a snowflake.

• 1:52:03Dax Shepard?

  Had you seen that video, Rob? No, I have not. The guy's, he went on some kind of podcast or something, The Neighbor, and he's trying to act like he got assaulted. And all these people watch the video and break it down. And he's like, and then, oh, you shoved him and, and they're like, okay, hold on, sir. So you left your house, you didn't call the cops on him. You decided to come out and confront him. And then you shoved him. And the police were like, not an assault. So he's got no charges against him yet. Okey doke.

• 1:52:36Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:52:37Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my heaven.

• 1:52:38Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:52:39Dax Shepard?

  Boy, she's like a space alien, snowflake.

• 1:52:42Speaker 01

  Yep, yep, she is.

• 1:52:44Dax Shepard?

  Wow.

• 1:52:45Speaker 01

  There's a lot going on with that mask.

• 1:52:47Dax Shepard?

  I bet she loved that outfit.

• 1:52:49Speaker 01

  It's a fun outfit.

• 1:52:50Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that feels like her vibe.

• 1:52:51Speaker 01

  It also could be like a fun Halloween costume.

• 1:52:55Dax Shepard?

  Mm hmm. Yeah, Heidi might end up in that.

• 1:53:00Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, Heidi.

• 1:53:02Dax Shepard?

  God bless her spirit, Heidi.

• 1:53:03Speaker 01

  She's so good at Halloween.

• 1:53:05Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I'm glad we have her.

• 1:53:06Speaker 01

  Me too. Okay, so you quote a Garrison Keillor quote. You said, but in, in truth, I don't want to just be adored, I want to be a sun god. The question is, do you know what essay it came from? Because we can't find it.

• 1:53:22Dax Shepard?

  Oh, I can find it right now.

• 1:53:23Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:53:23Dax Shepard?

  I can read it.

• 1:53:23Speaker 01

  And then maybe people can read it.

• 1:53:25Dax Shepard?

  Um, I just have to look up Tommy Schlomi. He's the one who sent it to me. I also wanted to share a quote I remember from Garrison Keillor's first book, Lake Wabagon Days, obviously inspired by your joyous conversation with HRC.

• 1:53:39Dax Shepard?

  I deflect every kind word directed to me and my denials are much more extravagant than the praise. Good speech. Oh, it was way too long. I didn't know what I was talking about. I was just blathering on and on. I was glad when it was over. I do this under the impression that it is humility, a becoming quality in a person. Actually, I am starved for a good word, but after the long drought of my youth, no word is quite good enough. Good isn't enough. Under this thin veneer of modesty lies a monster of greed. I drive away faint praise, beating my little chest, waiting to be named sun god, king of America, idol of millions,

• 1:54:22Dax Shepard?

  bringer of fire, the great Haji, Thundar, the boy giant. I don't want to say, thanks, glad you liked it. I want to say, rise, my people, remove your faces from the carpet, stand, look at me in the face.

• 1:54:40Dax Shepard?

  Isn't that great?

• 1:54:41Speaker 01

  Yeah. Okay, first book.

• 1:54:44Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:54:45Speaker 01

  Great. Yeah, I'm glad we got the whole thing.

• 1:54:47Dax Shepard?

  And a big shout out to Tommy Shalami, TV's greatest drama director to ever do it, for sending me that great quote.

• 1:54:53Speaker 01

  All right.

• 1:54:54Dax Shepard?

  Love you.