Pod Insights Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard Armchair Anonymous: Remodeling Disaster About this episode Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about a remodeling disaster.
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Transcript 10,228 words · 7 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Dax Shepard? Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard and I'm joined by Monica Padman.
0:06 Speaker 01 Hi.
0:06 Dax Shepard? Today, we have remodeling disaster.
0:09 Speaker 01 It's, um, it's, this one hurt. This one hurt me since I'm in the middle of a remodel.
0:15 Dax Shepard? Too soon for you.
0:16 Speaker 01 A little too soon.
0:17 Dax Shepard? You would think remodeling disaster, you're not thinking poop, drugs,
0:22 Speaker 01 No.
0:22 Dax Shepard? fire.
0:23 Speaker 01 You're not.
0:24 Dax Shepard? You're gonna get it all in this episode.
0:26 Speaker 01 It's a fun app.
0:26 Dax Shepard? Any number of things can go wrong in a remodeling project. Please enjoy remodeling disasters. We get support from Quince.
0:35 Speaker 01 I have to say, I am so ready for fall. I want sweaters. I've been craving a true crisp morning where I actually need a jacket. I can't wait.
0:44 Dax Shepard? I'm fully there. The second it dips below 70, I'm like, this is my season. Give me the layers, give me the boots, give me a reason to wear something other than a t-shirt. And honestly, that's why I love Quince because fall is when your wardrobe actually has to show up and everything at Quince is 50 to 80% less than similar brands. We're talking 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, starting at $60.
1:07 Speaker 01 $60. $60 for cashmere that you'd expect from a luxury brand without the luxury price tag. It's amazing. Gets me every time. It really shouldn't be real, but it is because they go straight to the factories, they skip the middlemen and they just hand you the savings. The stuff isn't trendy. It's the kind of pieces you grab over and over because they work every time.
1:25 Dax Shepard? The 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters for me are it. When I look at Steve McQueen, this man owned a couple of sweaters he wore all the time and he looks iconic.
1:34 Speaker 01 It's a uniform.
1:35 Dax Shepard? Mm-hmm.
1:36 Speaker 01 And Quince isn't just about the clothes. They have hotel quality bedding, cookware, bath essentials, thoughtfully designed furniture. You can really go there and outfit your entire apartment or house. So if you're in need of any kind of fall refresh at home too, same quality, same attention to detail for every corner of your life.
1:53 Dax Shepard? Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. We get support from AG1. Fall is that time when your body and mind are getting ready for the winter. You're settling in, bracing for the cold. Your body's already running a deficit from the shorter days and broken sleep patterns. You don't want a nutrient deficit stacked on top of that too.
2:29 Speaker 01 That's where your AG1 routine earns its spot. It's not fixing your sleep or your alarm time. It's giving your body what it needs so the dark mornings don't tank you before you even start. One scoop, cold water every morning before anything else.
2:42 Dax Shepard? AG1 Next Gen has 75 plus ingredients, vitamins, minerals, pre and probiotics, superfoods, backed by four separate gold standard clinical trials. Key nutrient levels improved with three months of consistent use.
2:56 Speaker 01 That's the part people miss. It's not a one day fix. It's what happens when you stay consistent.
3:00 Dax Shepard? It's an easy, everyday thing. I've added it to my morning routine and I'm going to tell you, I actually love the taste of it. It's like Pavlovian. I drink it and I know, mm, I'm going to get that little vitamin buzz.
3:10 Speaker 01 Well, that's also the thing. When you do it first thing in the morning, you already feel kind of self-esteem because you're like, I already did something good for myself.
3:17 Dax Shepard? Yes. Go to drinkag1.com/dax and for a limited time, get a free immunity bundle, including a bottle of omega three fish oil and a bottle of vitamin D3 K2 with your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro. That's drinkag1.com/dax. And after checkout, be sure to let them know that Armchair Experts sent you.
4:03 Dax Shepard? Elise?
4:04 Speaker 02 Yes.
4:06 Dax Shepard? What are mom and dad like? That feels like a unique name. Are they unique people?
4:10 Speaker 02 I would say so. Mom was a social worker. Dad's an artist. He's a potter.
4:15 Dax Shepard? There we go.
4:15 Speaker 01 Love that. Great combo.
4:17 Dax Shepard? And where are you?
4:18 Speaker 02 I'm in Austin. That also feels fitting.
4:21 Dax Shepard? Did you grow up there or did you move there?
4:23 Speaker 02 No, I did. Born and raised and still live here today.
4:26 Dax Shepard? Okay. And you are pro or anti the intense growth that's happened over the last decade?
4:31 Speaker 02 I feel like a minority in this because I think everything that's happened has made Austin better. Traffic is worse, but. Also, we have new restaurants and new people and that kind of growth I love.
4:43 Dax Shepard? What a great attitude. Good, because I still like to visit quite often. In fact, I'll be there at the end of next month. And I want to be welcomed. I don't want to be a part of the problem, you know?
4:53 Speaker 02 Yeah, we've gotten a little bit mean about it. We're supposed to be nice. That's our thing, right? We're supposed to be welcoming and weird and we need to get back to that.
5:01 Dax Shepard? Okay, so you have a remodeling disaster story?
5:04 Speaker 02 I do.
5:05 Dax Shepard? Oh, wonderful. Are you in the current location where this remodel occurred?
5:10 Speaker 02 No, we have since moved, but we keep it as a rental. So I hope the current tenants aren't listening.
5:18 Speaker 01 Maybe should have gone with the fake name.
5:23 Speaker 02 Okay, so this started back in 2019. My husband and I had just gotten married. We later that year bought our first house. We bought a full fixer-upper, which, looking back, was quite delusional, I think, but we were fully in it. We both come from really capable families. My dad has built a couple houses. My husband's dad owns properties and does renovations. So we were very like, we can do a whole home renovation, no problem.
5:52 Speaker 01 Confident.
5:52 Speaker 02 This house was rat infested, had been vacant for nine months. We take on this project, so we move in with my parents for the majority of it, which in our first year of marriage is a choice. But we spend about the next eight months working on this house. So we had to gut it down to basically the studs. We tore down some walls and then building it back up. Towards the end, a couple of the last things that we're doing, one being drywall. So we've re-drywalled the entire house. Then we are installing the kitchen. So kitchen and flooring are sort of our last two major steps. We have this gorgeous hardwood floor that we are laying down and we've installed our base cabinets for our kitchen,
6:37 Speaker 02 which is kind of a tedious project if you haven't done it before. Once we get cabinets in, we don't even need the countertop. We slap some plywood on there and then we're moving into the house. So we're super excited to be at the end. We've got All our cabinets in, all our hardwood floors down. We leave, we come back and the second floor bathroom is right above the kitchen. We have left a water line open that has flooded down into the entire kitchen.
7:05 Speaker 02 It's created like a huge ring of water from the ceiling drywall and it's flooded the whole kitchen.
7:10 Dax Shepard? Oh, oh, no, I know hardwood floors have recently been installed.
7:14 Speaker 02 Just days before. We come into the water, we can see it streaming down, like someone's running a hose from the second floor. We go and turn off the water, then we're just trying to fix it. So we get it all dried up and we have to rip out all of the cabinets and rip out all of the floors. We were mostly just sad more than anything. The floors are warped, the cabinets were fine, they just needed to be set out with fans and everything to dry them. Could have been worse. I think it bruised our egos more than anything. We just lay everything back down, put new floors down, finish the kitchen. Cut to a few months later, we have finished the entire kitchen. So we have this
7:57 Speaker 02 gorgeous white kitchen, white cabinets, we have these beautiful white quartz countertops. It's perfect. We're so proud. We move in. Pretty quickly, we start getting a clog in our drain. So our kitchen sink isn't draining. And our downstairs bathroom is not draining. So being the types of people that we are to do everything ourselves. And I don't know if I said that, we did all of this work ourselves with the exception of some electrical and HVAC work.
8:28 Dax Shepard? But you muddied and taped the drywall and sanded and all.
8:32 Speaker 01 That is so impressive.
8:34 Speaker 02 Thank you.
8:35 Dax Shepard? Before we get to the disaster, I imagine the pride you have when you sit in a house that you actually did all this shit to. It must be immense.
8:41 Speaker 02 It is. And also you are very aware of all the things that you messed up on.
8:47 Speaker 02 Pros and cons to it. We've done two houses since this and we're really bad about pointing things out to people. They're like, oh, this looks so gorgeous, like so impressive. And we're like, yeah, but do you see where we didn't mud that well?
8:59 Speaker 02 So we start getting this clog and being the people that we are that will never call for help or ask for help. My husband's like, I got this. I can unclog a drain. He's snaking the drain, trying to unclog it, you know, Drano, doing all the things and nothing's working. So we think, okay, we got to get a little bit more creative. This would have been a really, really good time to call a plumber. We said, no, no, no, it's cool. We're good. My husband buys like a balloon, little thing that you insert into the pipes. And then once it's in the pipes, it inflates and then shoots a little line of water out that's supposed to do like a really strong pressure water that's supposed to clear
9:42 Speaker 02 out the clog. So he thinks this will do it. This is what the plumbers would do. So we can do this.
9:46 Dax Shepard? Well, really quick, the plumbers would have probably put a camera down there already to see what's happening.
9:51 Speaker 02 Yeah, that would have been the right thing to do. So the way our kitchen is set up, our kitchen sink has a big window above it that looks out into the backyard. So we have that window open and my husband's outside at the clean out line. And he has me standing at the kitchen sink with the kitchen cabinet underneath the sink where all the pipes are open. And so he has me watching the pipes to make sure there's no leaks or anything. And then also checking the sink to see if he clears it and it starts draining. He feeds this little balloon in, inflates it, and we have an explosion.
10:26 Dax Shepard? Oh, oh, oh.
10:28 Speaker 02 Immediately, our pipes have burst under the kitchen sink. Spewing water out. Picture like me standing there. It's already covered my entire lower body and it's like a fire hydrant.
10:42 Dax Shepard? Oh my gosh.
10:42 Speaker 02 It's full pressure force liquid coming out.
10:46 Dax Shepard? It's backed up waste?
10:48 Speaker 01 Ew.
10:50 Dax Shepard? Sorry, sorry, sorry.
10:53 Speaker 02 It takes me about one second to realize that it's sewage.
10:58 Speaker 01 It's poop? Wait, why in the kitchen?
11:02 Dax Shepard? Cause the main line is clogged and it's all backed up.
11:05 Speaker 01 It's also disgusting to think about the fact that there's poop in your kitchen sink. Like, this is why we shouldn't be doing the work on your own house.
11:13 Dax Shepard? Well, there isn't.
11:14 Speaker 01 Much.
11:15 Dax Shepard? There isn't, though, normally poop in your kitchen sink unless all of that main line water's getting backed all the way up into the little pipes.
11:22 Speaker 01 My god.
11:23 Speaker 02 Yep. So I start screaming bloody murder. Within seconds, I'm covered. He comes running in, he's covered. And he goes back out to stop the water. But in that amount of time, the amount of water sewage, I should really not be saying water.
11:38 Dax Shepard? Yeah, let's not use my.
11:39 Speaker 02 Or I should say shit water. There's probably three or four inches of standing.
11:47 Speaker 01 No.
11:49 Speaker 02 In our kitchen.
11:52 Speaker 01 How does it smell?
11:53 Speaker 02 So bad.
11:54 Dax Shepard? Oh, like a porta potty.
11:56 Speaker 02 Like shit water would smell, yeah.
12:00 Speaker 02 I have a pretty strong stomach and I was gagging. It was so, so gross. We got the water stopped, but then we just had to deal with the aftermath of it, basically.
12:11 Speaker 01 Just get some paper towels out.
12:14 Dax Shepard? Napkins.
12:15 Speaker 01 That's what I would do. I guess I'll start cleaning this up.
12:18 Speaker 02 We just start grabbing every bath towel, beach towel that we have. But you think of it's like putting something down immediately soaked.
12:26 Speaker 01 In a pool.
12:27 Speaker 02 So we're taking them out to our backyard and just slopping them on the ground.
12:31 Dax Shepard? Oh.
12:31 Speaker 02 Full of shit water.
12:33 Dax Shepard? But the grass was gorgeous afterwards, though. You don't have a shot back, I'm assuming.
12:37 Speaker 02 Well, we do. We were able to shot back up a lot of water, but within not long at all, our towels are all soaked. So we're like out in the backyard, we're wringing out sewage towels just to bring them back in and scoop up more waves.
12:53 Speaker 01 Did you consider just burning the house down at that point?
12:56 Speaker 02 Yeah, we sure did. We had friends that were about to come over for dinner that we had to call and say, hey, you can't come. We just filled our entire house with shit.
13:07 Speaker 01 That's so depressing.
13:08 Speaker 02 It was really, really sad and embarrassing. My husband's input mostly was like, we realize we haven't told this story to that many people. Because we had just moved into this house. I'm like, if I tell everyone that this happened, everyone's gonna come over and I'm gonna be like feeding them a meal and all they're gonna be able to think about. This entire kitchen covered in shit. It was a crime scene.
13:29 Dax Shepard? Did the floors make it?
13:31 Speaker 02 Yes, we were able to, we hope, clean everything.
13:36 Speaker 01 We really do hope your tenants are not listening here. They're like, that's what that smell is?
13:41 Speaker 02 I know, or everyone that's ever eaten at our house. And that first little bit, it was just like our kitchen went through it. What it turned into was, we'd obviously had all of the inspections, plumbing inspections and everything when we bought the house and started doing all of this. The house was built in sixty seven, so all of the pipes are cast iron. So the plumbing inspection, they even put the cameras down in there just a few months before. He was like, yeah, these are in great shape. Eventually you will have to replace them, but you've probably got a good seven, eight, nine years left in them. So we think, great. And that obviously not the case. There were like tree roots growing in and stuff.
14:19 Speaker 02 So this all culminated to a forty thousand dollar bill to replace all of the pipes underneath the foundation.
14:28 Speaker 01 Oh my god. That's, you know, a different twist on an unauthorized evacuation.
14:34 Dax Shepard? It's being covered in shit from the outside in.
14:36 Speaker 02 I saw the prompts and I thought, this has a nice little twist that you guys will like.
14:41 Dax Shepard? If it ever goes in that direction, we're delighted.
14:44 Speaker 01 Okay, so you need a shop vac.
14:46 Dax Shepard? You need a shop vac to get all that initial water out of there. And then you're gonna donate all of your towels to this project. You're gonna hose in the backyard and you're spraying the shit off the towels and the grass.
14:59 Speaker 02 Nightmare.
15:00 Dax Shepard? It's a character builder, though. When it's all done, you get a little surge of like, yeah, we did it, man. That was tough.
15:06 Speaker 02 We can tackle anything. We're plumbers.
15:08 Dax Shepard? It's the closest we'll ever feel to like being Marines, probably.
15:10 Speaker 02 I think it's the same.
15:12 Dax Shepard? Well, Elise, lovely meeting you. I presume you only got better at this over the next two?
15:16 Speaker 02 Yes, I would say we've gotten better. Nothing catastrophic. No poop filled rooms at all.
15:22 Dax Shepard? That's a positive turn of events.
15:23 Speaker 02 Well, thank you, guys. I just wanted to say I love the podcast. I am a social worker. And so I really loved, just wanted to shout out your most recent episode on foster care with Claudia. I work in foster care. I have for the last ten years since I've been out of school and. That's just a topic that doesn't get a lot of talking space on a major platform. And if it does, you're hearing only the really negative stories that hit the news. And while that happens and that's worth sharing, I feel like we're missing the opportunity to kind of say, okay, well, we know it's bad. What's the plan for reform? So I really appreciated that conversation. So I just wanted to say thank you for that.
16:03 Dax Shepard? I'm really glad because I did hear from a couple of people that work in foster care that were kind of offended or felt judged by it. That was certainly not our intention as we, I think, were hopefully pointed out. It's like, the system is not a good system. The people in the system are well intentioned and wonderful, but the system's producing a result. So we really got to rethink the system.
16:25 Speaker 02 Yes. She focused so much heavier on the older kids aging out, that kind of side. And my day to day is more with families fostering younger kids and kind of catching those earlier years, leading to either adoption or reunification. So she did a couple of nice shout outs of like, not all foster parents, you know?
16:44 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
16:45 Speaker 02 You could do a whole other episode on a different side to it.
16:48 Dax Shepard? Perhaps we should.
16:49 Speaker 01 Yeah.
16:49 Dax Shepard? To make it even. Well, thank you for doing the work you do and lovely meeting you. And I hope I bump into you at Barton Springs.
16:55 Speaker 02 I hope so. I'll keep my eyes peeled.
16:57 Dax Shepard? Okay.
16:57 Speaker 01 Bye.
16:58 Speaker 02 Thanks y'all. Bye.
17:08 Dax Shepard? This episode is supported by Helix.
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17:21 Dax Shepard? That's the dream. You just described one of my ideal fall nights.
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17:40 Speaker 01 Which I really.
17:42 Dax Shepard? Increasingly so.
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17:49 Dax Shepard? Hmm.
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20:07 Dax Shepard? We are supported by Walden University. You know that feeling when you've been thinking about making a move, going after the degree, the promotion, the thing you keep telling yourself you'll get to someday? Walden University is built for that moment. For over 50 years, Walden has helped working professionals get the W, the knowledge, the skills, and the confidence to create real change in their careers and communities. Their programs are designed around your life, not the other way around. With Tempo Learning, available in select programs, there are no rigid schedules or set weekly deadlines. You move at your own pace. And Walden's faculty aren't just academics. They're practitioners who bring real-world experience into everything they teach.
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21:15 Dax Shepard? Sight unseen, I'm gonna call her Callie.
21:17 Speaker 01 Wait, what?
21:17 Dax Shepard? You need a fake name, right?
21:18 Speaker 01 Oh, yes.
21:20 Dax Shepard? Yeah, so I said, "Sight unseen, I'm gonna call her Callie."
21:22 Speaker 01 Oh, wow.
21:23 Dax Shepard? Because I didn't want you to be influenced by where you see her first. It's a nod to Callie.
21:28 Speaker 01 That's nice.
21:30 Dax Shepard? And you have the cutest sweatshirt on.
21:32 Speaker 01 Yes, you do, robot. He is so cute.
21:36 Dax Shepard? He's a nice boy.
21:37 Speaker 01 He is.
21:38 Dax Shepard? He's been gone for a while.
21:39 Speaker 01 I know. I miss him.
21:42 Dax Shepard? So, Callie, where are you at?
21:44 Speaker 02 I am in Bismarck, North Dakota, where caramel rolls are a breakfast delight and a car starter is a must.
21:52 Speaker 01 Oh.
21:54 Dax Shepard? Our good friend Christina is from Bismarck. That's where we stayed on our trip. You're on the Missouri River there?
22:00 Speaker 02 Yep.
22:00 Dax Shepard? It's beautiful. We were there in the summertime and it was possibly green.
22:04 Speaker 01 Are you required to say that whole phrase after you say where you're from? Is that, that might be like a thing? I think like you guys have to say it, and I like it.
22:13 Speaker 02 Thank you.
22:13 Dax Shepard? So, Callie, you have a remodeling disaster?
22:16 Speaker 02 Yes.
22:17 Speaker 04 I grew up with a dad who fixed everything. I felt like he kind of empowered us to try. So our bathroom flooring, we needed to redo it. And I was like, okay, let's try. The flooring that was on there was a big vinyl sheet and it's just tons of glue.
22:34 Speaker 01 Oh, wow.
22:35 Speaker 04 My husband and I feel that a lot of our stuff is from Menards. I don't know if you guys know.
22:40 Dax Shepard? The hardware store?
22:41 Speaker 04 Yep.
22:42 Speaker 01 Oh, I don't know.
22:43 Speaker 04 Save big money at Menards.
22:44 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:45 Speaker 04 So I got to work with a box cutter and a putty knife and I'm cutting and I'm just scraping. And there was a tool my dad gave me, but it just wasn't working, like a motorized something. So it's coming off like little inches at a time.
23:03 Dax Shepard? Ugh.
23:03 Speaker 04 And then sometimes I get like a satisfying strip, but it's just laboring.
23:09 Speaker 01 Yeah.
23:10 Speaker 04 This is a day and a half of me going at this floor. It was a workout. It was very straining. So that night I'm in the shower and I'm scrubbing and I'm scrubbing and I scrub downstairs. And I'm horrified to feel something dangling out of my vagina.
23:29 Speaker 01 What?
23:30 Dax Shepard? Oh, my goodness.
23:31 Speaker 01 What?
23:31 Dax Shepard? Oh, wow.
23:32 Speaker 01 I did not see this coming.
23:34 Dax Shepard? I didn't either.
23:35 Speaker 04 I feel like I grew a third labia.
23:38 Speaker 01 What?
23:38 Speaker 04 I'm just not sure what's going on.
23:40 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
23:43 Speaker 04 I panic. I come out and I ask my husband to check it out and he's like, no. I lay down on the bed and then I'm checking it and I'm thinking, okay, I think maybe this is okay.
23:56 Speaker 01 You want to keep it moving.
23:58 Dax Shepard? Are you using a mirror? Do you have like a little hand mirror?
24:00 Speaker 04 No, no.
24:01 Speaker 01 Oh.
24:02 Speaker 04 So I think I'm also trying to talk myself like, we're fine.
24:06 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:07 Dax Shepard? Yeah, calm yourself down.
24:08 Speaker 04 Yeah, I get up, I'm moving around and I'm like, no, this is not okay.
24:12 Speaker 01 Does it hurt? What does it feel like?
24:14 Speaker 04 Well, so there's no blood or anything, but there's like something there.
24:18 Speaker 01 Yeah.
24:18 Dax Shepard? It's uncomfortable.
24:19 Speaker 04 Yes. And then it's cramping a little bit. Like, it's just not good. So then I, my chart, my doctor. She thankfully had a cancellation in a couple of days and I was so glad that it was at least that long because I felt like I was sitting on it, literally and figuratively, just nervous about what was going on. So I get there and she does her exam and she tells me that due to that straining and all that, sure enough, my uterus prolapsed.
24:51 Speaker 01 Prolapsed, oh my.
24:52 Dax Shepard? It was distended all the way, exiting.
24:55 Speaker 04 Exiting.
24:55 Dax Shepard? Oh, wow.
24:57 Speaker 01 Ow, ah.
24:59 Speaker 04 But Monica, I've had three kids and one baby for my sister.
25:03 Dax Shepard? Oh, hold on.
25:04 Speaker 01 That's beautiful.
25:05 Dax Shepard? Nice job. That's so sweet.
25:07 Speaker 04 Thank you. But I feel like she was holding on by a thread.
25:11 Speaker 01 She was already fragile.
25:12 Speaker 04 So that kicked her out. And the doctor did offer a mirror, but I was like, I have been avoiding looking down there. And the other thing that shocked me was she told me some women come with their entire uterus between their legs.
25:26 Speaker 01 What?
25:27 Speaker 04 My options were a cup to keep it up, which is just leave it.
25:32 Speaker 01 Forever?
25:33 Speaker 04 Yes. Or a hysterectomy. So then, a couple of days later, my dad comes over and my mom was a nurse forever. So he's telling me about this cup I could wear. And I'm just like, oh my gosh, I'm so embarrassed. My dad's telling me about a cup to keep my parts up.
25:51 Speaker 01 Oh, wow.
25:53 Speaker 04 Getting old is so depressing.
25:56 Dax Shepard? Well, really quick, you did preface this by saying your dad could fix anything.
25:59 Speaker 04 Yeah.
26:00 Speaker 01 That's true.
26:03 Dax Shepard? He's like, oh, there's a tool. We can use this tool for this.
26:06 Speaker 04 That is true. So the worst part is we go to the place to look at new flooring. You know, the flooring's off. We tell them the preparation and what I've done and they look at me and my husband and they go, you took off that flooring? And I was like, yeah, they said, my guys don't even do that. That's so much work. And we just lay the flooring on top of that.
26:29 Speaker 01 Oh, my god.
26:30 Dax Shepard? Yeah, or I think they even cut out the plywood underneath and just put new plywood down. You did the impossible.
26:36 Speaker 01 Oh, my god. Well, yeah, and you paid for it. This feels unfair. This feels like you should have been rewarded for your hard work. I don't like this story.
26:46 Speaker 04 I know. I had to ask the doctor. Now that this was on the table, I was like, what are the odds your rectum prolapses?
26:53 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
26:54 Speaker 04 Thankfully, she has only seen that once, she said, and that that's a lot of straining to go to the bathroom. Oh, I was glad that I have IBS at that moment.
27:04 Dax Shepard? We interviewed someone with a pet story and it was that their dog's ass kept prolapsing. The veterinarian said, put tons of sugar on the rectum and pack it back in and something about the sugar. So I've been on the toilet too long and I've started to think like, yeah, what if I prolapsed? Would I go get a bunch of sugar and try it myself before I go with the doctor?
27:23 Speaker 01 We had a picture of that.
27:24 Dax Shepard? Of a prolapsed anus?
27:25 Speaker 01 Of the dog. It was up here for a while.
27:27 Dax Shepard? Oh, the dog.
27:28 Speaker 01 The dog's butthole hanging out or inside butt.
27:31 Dax Shepard? Yeah. So this is personal, but what option did you select?
27:34 Speaker 04 Oh, yes. So it was last spring. So you can't swim for six to seven weeks. We have a pontoon.
27:42 Dax Shepard? Yeah, you do.
27:43 Speaker 04 It's that season. And so I was like, I'm gonna check what it's like just to hang out. And I couldn't do it because I like to exercise. I run. It felt like it was getting worse and worse. I chose in December to have a hysterectomy, but she was very knowledgeable, like kept the blood flow and ovaries and all that. So it did make me feel better.
28:05 Speaker 01 Man, these are tough options. A hysterectomy or a cop up there forever?
28:11 Dax Shepard? My mother had one very young, but I've since learned that your uterus is so integral in your hormones. Yeah. Has that been a thing where they were like, okay, well now we gotta monitor your hormones?
28:21 Speaker 04 Yes, but also she said that if my ovaries are still there, that that should help.
28:26 Speaker 01 Okay, good. Wow. You really went through it for this remodel.
28:32 Dax Shepard? And unexpected in a great way. You're not thinking remodeling disaster is going to involve a hysterectomy?
28:36 Speaker 04 It got me here, which is so exciting.
28:39 Speaker 01 Wow. We are very happy to talk to you.
28:42 Dax Shepard? Yes. So nice to meet you.
28:44 Speaker 04 Yes. Thank you so much.
28:46 Dax Shepard? All right. Take care.
28:47 Speaker 04 Bye.
28:48 Dax Shepard? Hi, Megan. How are you?
28:51 Speaker 05 I'm so good.
28:52 Dax Shepard? Is that a sheet behind you or are you in a camping tent?
28:54 Speaker 01 Oh, you did a beautiful sheet.
28:56 Speaker 05 I don't have a walk-in closet, so this is my makeshift fort. And so like taking a coat rack and a lamp from the other room and this is what we got.
29:06 Dax Shepard? Did it bring back any childhood memories of fort building?
29:09 Speaker 05 Yeah, but I feel like I remember it being so much better as a kid than doing it as an adult.
29:16 Dax Shepard? And what part of the country are you in?
29:17 Speaker 05 I am in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
29:19 Speaker 01 Ooh.
29:20 Dax Shepard? This is interesting. We just talked to Bismarck, North Dakota. So we're in that northern region. We don't get a ton of y'all.
29:26 Speaker 01 That's true. It's nice to have you.
29:28 Dax Shepard? And are you from there or did you move there?
29:30 Speaker 05 Grew up and have always been from the greater Milwaukee area.
29:33 Dax Shepard? Okay, so you have a remodeling disaster story?
29:36 Speaker 05 Yes. To set the stage, so in 2019, my fiance, now husband and I, we bought our first home. And it still had the original oak 1960s, kind of like that orange-yellow trim. And we wanted to give it a facelift. So our realtor recommended a small company. He had used himself and we were gonna have the trim painted and install new doors. And the quote for it all was about 4,500 for labor, but we had bought the doors, we had bought the paint. So it was pretty much just the labor.
30:11 Dax Shepard? That sounds very fair. That wouldn't be the quote here in LA.
30:14 Speaker 05 Yeah, or nowadays. So the project began and it was pretty much two workers, one installing the doors and one guy painting. And early on, there were small issues, like the doors not closing properly, or they were just cut too short. They used our drill bits, but then never returned them or would leave our garage door open overnight. And the painter in particular was kind of an odd guy. And one day he started acting very strange. I asked if he was okay and he said that he got bad news at the doctor. And then he started taking anti-anxiety medication, but then he made the comment that it sometimes made him feel drunk.
30:56 Dax Shepard? Sure. Oh, boy.
30:58 Speaker 05 At this point, you know, there wasn't too much thought given to it. Nothing was alarming. I just thought he was kind of a weird guy, had some stuff going on.
31:06 Dax Shepard? How old was he?
31:07 Speaker 05 If I had to guess, I would say like forty.
31:10 Dax Shepard? Okay.
31:10 Speaker 05 At the time, my husband's former roommate Bennett was temporarily living with us. And one day I come home while Bennett was there and the painter were there. And we suddenly hear strange noises coming from the bathroom.
31:25 Dax Shepard? Oh, no. Oh, wow. Oh, my god. That's a big umbrella, strange noises.
31:31 Speaker 05 I have a clip if you want to hear it.
31:33 Dax Shepard? Oh, my god, yes. Of course.
31:35 Speaker 05 Yeah, okay, let me play it for you guys. I'll just play a quick snippet.
31:52 Speaker 05 Okay.
31:53 Dax Shepard? This is not, wow. What I know is that it was going on long enough that eventually you were like, maybe I should record this. And then you did.
32:01 Speaker 05 It was like ten minutes.
32:02 Dax Shepard? That is very unnerving. It sounds like a psychotic break is happening.
32:05 Speaker 05 Yes. So we hear this going on. At first I thought he was talking to someone and I knew he had a young son. And at first I thought maybe he was on the phone with his kid. But yeah, so after about ten minutes, I start recording and I texted the owner of the company saying, hey, can you call me? Or can you call him? Something just feels wrong. And I said, you know, the past couple of days, he's been acting a little weird. And he's currently in our bathroom making these strange noises.
32:31 Dax Shepard? Speaking in tongues.
32:32 Speaker 05 Yeah, yes. So Bennett and I were just kind of outside the door and he eventually comes out. And again, he's saying that he started this new medication that was causing bad side effects. But he was barely able to stand and very incoherent. Bennett and I just trying to keep calm, just trying to talk with him, but also saying, you should call someone to come pick you up. You're not in a good state to work and you clearly cannot drive.
32:58 Dax Shepard? Yeah. It's time to knock off. Early for the day.
33:00 Speaker 05 While this is going on, I continued to text the owner and I said, "Hey, I don't really want this guy back until he can kind of get his medication sorted out."
33:08 Speaker 01 Until, you're so nice. Oh, my God. This is gonna be a rap on that guy coming to my house ever again. I hope he gets the help he needs, but like, no. So Wisconsin.
33:20 Speaker 05 Maybe like Midwestern niceness can be too nice.
33:31 Dax Shepard? This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you've thought about trying therapy with our long-term partner, BetterHelp, insurance options may now be available nationwide with an average copay for eligible members of just $23 per session. October 10th is World Mental Health Day, but you don't need a day on the calendar to give yourself permission to talk to someone. I've been in therapy for a long time and the stuff rattling around in my head always just quiets down the second I say it out loud. And it doesn't have to be some big life crisis. Maybe it's a work thing that's taking up too much space or hard relationship moment, or just a feeling that something's off. That's enough. That's worth talking about.
34:09 Speaker 01 You know, I love therapy more than anything. Gets me through. Often I'll want to cancel because I'm like, I don't really have anything to talk about. And then I'll go and I have some major revelation.
34:20 Dax Shepard? You know, I was just talking to a friend who has just started it. And I said, one of the most powerful elements of it is just hearing yourself say out loud the thing that's been ruminating in your head and how different it sounds once it's out into the world. You gain perspective immediately just by hearing yourself say it.
34:35 Speaker 01 Yeah, you do.
34:36 Dax Shepard? If you've been waiting to start therapy, BetterHelp works with more than 125 health plan networks and eligible members have an average copay of just $23 per session with insurance. Don't have insurance or live outside the US? You can still get 10% off your first month. Do yourself a favor and just try it. Future you will be grateful. Visit betterhelp.com/dax to explore your payment options. That's better H E L P dot com slash DAX.
35:04 Dax Shepard? We get support from our sponsor Lilly. For adults with obesity or with excess weight and weight-related medical problems, it's time to find out about Foundo or for Gleepran. Foundo is a once-daily prescription GLP-1 medicine used with a reduced calorie diet and increased physical activity to help adults with obesity or some adults with overweight who also have weight-related medical problems to lose excess body weight and keep the weight off. Foundo should not be used with other GLP-1 receptor agonist medicines. It is not known if Foundo is safe and effective for use in children. Don't take Foundo if you're allergic to it, or if you or someone in your family had majorary thyroid cancer or multiple endocrine euplasia syndrome type 2. Stop and call your doctor right away if you have an allergic reaction, a lump or swelling in your neck, or severe stomach pain.
35:49 Dax Shepard? Serious side effects may include inflamed pancreas and gallbladder problems. Tell your doctor if you experience vision changes, if you're nursing, pregnant, plant to be, or taking birth control pills, and before scheduled procedures with anesthesia. Taking Foundo with an insulin or sulfonylurea may cause low blood sugar. Side effects include diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting, which can cause dehydration and may cause kidney problems. Once-daily Foundo is available by prescription only in 0.8mg, 2.5mg, 5.5mg, 9mg, 14.5mg, and 17.2mg tablets. Learn more at foundo.lilly.com or call 1-800-LILY-RX. Now is perfect to talk to your doctor about Foundo. We get support from Skims.
36:29 Dax Shepard? So Monica just informed me that she's a girl's girl, and I nodded like I knew exactly what that meant.
36:35 Speaker 01 Yeah, but the girls who get it, they get it.
36:38 Dax Shepard? Okay, but for those of us who are clearly not girls, walk me through it.
36:41 Speaker 01 Well, you know how much I love my Skims fleece joggers? Because the plush fleece is so soft, it's cozy, it's really comfortable without feeling too heavy. Well, I went to friend them, and she would not stop talking about how comfy they were. She almost didn't give them back to me, which was upsetting, but I'm a girl's girl, so I let her have it.
36:59 Dax Shepard? Great, great, great.
37:00 Speaker 01 So the sleep sets are awesome because they are very soft and comfortable, but they're cute. If I'm in my sleep set, I feel fine about going down the street to pick up my food. I'm still looking cute, but I'm comfy and I'm cozy.
37:13 Dax Shepard? Roger.
37:14 Speaker 01 A really fun thing to do is if you're going on vacation with your girlfriends, to get matching Skims pajamas. I've done this with Callie and it is so fun. First of all, the pics are so cute, but also it's just fun and friendship.
37:27 Dax Shepard? So a girl's girl is looking out for your friends with better loungewear. I get it. Am I one of your girls now?
37:32 Speaker 01 You are. You and the other girlies can shop my favorite loungewear and pajamas at skims.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you. Select podcasts in the survey and be sure to select our show in the dropdown menu that follows.
37:53 Speaker 05 The owner responded, he's like, sure thing. I'll send a new painter in the morning. And this is when we noticed some items on the bathroom floor. A syringe, one of our kitchen spoons.
38:06 Dax Shepard? No.
38:08 Speaker 05 A lighter.
38:09 Dax Shepard? Oh.
38:10 Speaker 05 And a makeshift tourniquet made from Bennett's razor cord.
38:15 Speaker 01 Holy shit.
38:17 Dax Shepard? Shooting dope in the bathroom.
38:19 Speaker 01 This is really.
38:21 Dax Shepard? This is advanced stuff.
38:22 Speaker 05 Up until this point, I believed it was like a medication thing and I was like, I don't know. I know people can have all sorts of crazy side effects.
38:28 Speaker 01 That's scary.
38:29 Dax Shepard? Oh god, he left all of his works behind.
38:31 Speaker 05 So Bennett stayed with him inside. He's a very nonchalant guy, so he was just kind of chit chatting with him, like nothing was wrong. And I don't think he realized that we noticed. And I just kind of went outside to call the police and the officers arrived. And immediately while I'm talking to the officer, the painter comes outside and yells, I didn't inject anything.
38:55 Speaker 01 Oh wow.
38:58 Dax Shepard? The lady doth protest too much?
39:00 Speaker 01 Yeah.
39:01 Speaker 05 Yeah, yes. So Bennett said that when he was inside with him and the painter saw the squad car outside, he ran into the bathroom, locked himself in there and flushed everything down the toilet.
39:12 Speaker 01 This is all happening in your home? This is so stressful.
39:17 Dax Shepard? It's kind of the opposite of when like a sage.
39:18 Speaker 01 Yeah.
39:20 Dax Shepard? When you clear the house.
39:21 Speaker 01 A cleansing?
39:22 Speaker 05 It included flushing our spoon as well, like the spoon we took out of our kitchen drawer.
39:26 Speaker 01 The cord thing?
39:28 Speaker 05 That part was left, but syringe spoon.
39:30 Speaker 01 So now you have a plumbing issue on your hands.
39:33 Speaker 05 The police are talking to him. They say, you're clearly under the influence, but they couldn't find anything on him. And so they kind of just said, you can't drive, but you just need to leave. His car is parked outside our house and we live in the suburbs, so he kind of just walked off. I don't know where he went. I keep the owner updated, so I'm like texting him. And again, he's like, I'll send someone new the next day, but I did not feel comfortable with anyone returning without me there at this point. Especially because I guess the painter really wanted to come back to the house because he kept saying that he left his stuff there.
40:08 Speaker 01 This is upsetting. I don't like this.
40:10 Speaker 05 So we were afraid that he still had his stash in the house. We had no idea. I did not know what to do. I was 23 at the time. I was a first time homeowner. This is my first time hiring any sort of handyman service. And so I decided to call our realtor who recommended the company. And he actually was mad when I told him because that same painter did work at his house while his wife was home and pregnant.
40:35 Speaker 01 Oh.
40:36 Speaker 05 And he's like, you need to fire this company immediately. So I put their tools at the end of the driveway and I left a voicemail for the owner saying, don't contact me again. Anyone from your company is not allowed on our property. This is the point where the owner becomes very hostile and things take a turn for the worse. Oh, wow. We had not paid anything yet, so we paid for the doors and the paint, but there was no down payment prior to them starting work. And the job was maybe 50% done, but also poorly done.
41:08 Speaker 01 I would think so. This man is on heroin.
41:12 Speaker 05 Yeah. When we took a closer look, the guy had spent a week doing what maybe should have been a day or two's work. And we realized they had not sanded anything prior. Nothing was primed. Like he just came in and started painting over what was there. We later got a quote that it was going to be $7,000 to fix the original $4,500 job. So then the owner began sending threatening texts about filing a lien on the house, suing for double damages, ruining my credit. Saying it wasn't his fault. His worker went crazy.
41:46 Speaker 01 Um, I think it is. You own the company.
41:49 Dax Shepard? Minimally of the two people involved, one bared more responsibility than the other.
41:54 Speaker 05 Essentially, he was trying to convince me that I was too young to ruin my financial situation over this.
42:01 Speaker 01 Oh my god.
42:02 Speaker 05 So I was getting these messages and phone calls almost daily and I just ignored them. I'm like, I'm not dealing with this. We're just gonna not respond. To make things worse, a couple of weeks later, Bennett, our roommate, was showering and he stepped onto the bath mat and he stepped on a needle that was embedded into the bath mat.
42:25 Speaker 01 No.
42:26 Speaker 05 And it was embedded in his foot.
42:27 Speaker 01 No.
42:28 Dax Shepard? Oh, boy, oh, boy.
42:30 Speaker 01 This story, this is really wild. Didn't he have to get an HIV test?
42:37 Speaker 05 Yeah, so we had one of those fluffy bath mats and then when we really shook it out, there's like seven needle tips in there.
42:43 Dax Shepard? Oh, wow.
42:44 Speaker 01 That was where he was hiding them all?
42:46 Speaker 05 Maybe. They did a lot of work when we weren't home. So we had to deal with the painter, the owner was being threatening, and then now we were dealing with our roommate who had to get checked out for these things. Months of calls and texts from the owner go by and their harassment escalates to now anonymous numbers. They were ranging from attempting to make my husband, I believe we were cheating on each other, they were contacting my parents, saying like, I know where they live.
43:16 Dax Shepard? Sounds like the owner might have had his own addiction too and that the whole gang might party together.
43:21 Speaker 01 That's why this owner's an idiot because clearly something very shady is going on and if you're saying like, where on do you guys, all we're asking is for you to leave us alone, he needs to run with that.
43:32 Dax Shepard? Oh, sure. Any rational person would think I have potential liability on my hands and if I have an option to walk away, I'm going to. Unless you two are fucked up.
43:42 Speaker 05 Right. So that goes on and a lot of social media harassment, like we would block all these numbers and accounts and new ones would come up and I had waited until the window for him to file a lien had passed, just so I didn't have to deal with that. Aspect of it. And then I was like, I'm gonna write Google reviews now, report this to agencies. And you know, at that point, I just felt like there was not much more he could say outside of becoming physically threatening. And I was like, this guy sucks. I'm more mad that this is still going on. Here's my Google review.
44:15 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
44:17 Speaker 05 I knew things would probably get worse and they did. It took a little bit, but we could tell when he finally saw them, because then insert all these Facebook messages. And essentially it was calling us every horrible name in the book, my husband and I saying like, we cost his company over a hundred thousand dollars. Essentially blaming his workers livelihoods on us. And then he actually was threatening his own life because of what we did.
44:43 Dax Shepard? I wonder if the guy in the bathroom was also the owner.
44:48 Speaker 05 Unfortunately, they were two different people. So then at that point, we contacted the police and we didn't go the restraining order. They said that might be difficult because we couldn't prove that different numbers and profiles were from him. But they did call the guy and kind of were like, you need to leave this couple alone. And it actually worked because we never heard from him again.
45:09 Dax Shepard? Oh, wow. Is the business still operational?
45:14 Speaker 05 I don't think so. I kind of try to keep tabs peripherally, but they've gotten some other bad reviews, none like mine.
45:21 Speaker 01 Oh, my God, needles.
45:22 Dax Shepard? I have a completely unrelated follow up question. I like to make predictions or make big guesses. Are you a big skier?
45:29 Speaker 05 No.
45:29 Dax Shepard? Okay, never mind.
45:31 Speaker 01 What, what? Why?
45:34 Dax Shepard? Because her nose is so tan and I thought, oh, maybe she was wearing goggles and she was skiing recently.
45:40 Speaker 05 I did come back from Punta Cana about two weeks ago.
45:45 Dax Shepard? I thought Wisconsin, maybe some skiing.
45:47 Speaker 01 This story, it really got us rattled.
45:50 Dax Shepard? Yeah, you more than me because you just had a lot of workers and currently have a lot of workers in your house. So for you, it's like really prescient.
45:57 Speaker 01 Well, yeah, but also I just imagine like my home, it's such a violation. It really feels icky. I'm so sorry that happened. I'm glad it stopped. I mean, this almost turned into a stalking story.
46:09 Speaker 05 I would say in a lot of ways it was, you know, it was a crazy time, but that's my sort of cautionary tale is that how much information people can find out about you pretty easily online, like the things he would say and we would try to figure out like, how does he know that? Like, how does he know where we work? The lengths certain people will go to was very eye opening.
46:31 Dax Shepard? Yeah, well, and it's that like classic drinking poison, hoping your enemy dies. Like the amount of time he put into it that he could have been making money instead of chasing this money in his mind he lost, but just losing more because he's so distracted by this thing.
46:46 Speaker 01 Well, as you said, he is not a rational person. He is probably on drugs.
46:50 Dax Shepard? I hope that's a better.
46:51 Speaker 01 I hope too.
46:56 Dax Shepard? Well, Megan is delightful to meet you.
46:58 Speaker 05 Thank you so much. And just real quick, I want to shout out my two coworkers, Kristen and Becca. They introduced me to your podcast. And on behalf of all radiology professionals out there, we would love to see more insert foreign body prompts. Because we have a lot of these stories.
47:18 Dax Shepard? That wasn't on the list. We should put that in the batch, Rob. They deliver.
47:22 Speaker 05 There's some good ones out there.
47:25 Dax Shepard? Well, Becca and Kristen, thank you for turning Megan on to it. Big shout out and lovely meeting you. Bye bye.
47:31 Speaker 05 Bye.
47:32 Speaker 01 I'm glad I'm not addicted to heroin. I really am.
47:36 Dax Shepard? Sure. Be grateful for you.
47:39 Speaker 01 Hello.
47:40 Dax Shepard? Jessica, Monica was just taking a moment of gratitude for not being addicted to heroin. I don't know if you want to join that.
47:46 Speaker 05 Yeah, I'm right there with you.
47:47 Speaker 01 Okay, good.
47:48 Speaker 05 Although I hear that it's like a warm bath. I do like that.
47:52 Speaker 01 Uh oh.
47:52 Dax Shepard? Yeah, that sounds great.
47:53 Speaker 01 Let's just stick with the bath.
47:55 Dax Shepard? It's funny because this reminds me of when people are selling me fish really hardcore. They're like, well, swordfish is just like a steak. And I go, yeah, but we have steak. If that's the sales point. And likewise, if you're in search of a warm bath, that's at your disposal.
48:08 Speaker 05 I have a bathtub. I can do it anytime.
48:10 Speaker 01 I just feel like when people are struggling with gratitude, they can go to that.
48:14 Dax Shepard? Yeah, like I'm, I'm, I'm. Dude, I wasn't decapitated.
48:18 Speaker 05 At least that would be quick.
48:19 Speaker 01 Oh, wow. You're very glass half full.
48:21 Dax Shepard? Very, very glass half full. Jessica, where are you?
48:25 Speaker 05 I am in Ohio.
48:27 Dax Shepard? Okay, keeping it consistent. We've had a lot of northern callers today. What part of Ohio?
48:31 Speaker 05 I am in Norton, Ohio, an hour and a half away from Cedar Point.
48:35 Speaker 01 Oh.
48:36 Dax Shepard? In which direction?
48:37 Speaker 05 Southeast. Cedar Point is exactly halfway between me and Detroit.
48:42 Dax Shepard? Oh, okay, great.
48:43 Speaker 01 How often do you go?
48:45 Speaker 05 I used to go like once a year, but not so much anymore. I have a lot of anxiety and stuff.
48:50 Dax Shepard? It's a lot of people.
48:51 Speaker 01 It's hard.
48:51 Speaker 05 Lot of people. The rides make me sick. I like Camp Scooby.
48:57 Dax Shepard? But as a kid, boy, what could be better?
49:00 Speaker 05 Even as a kid.
49:00 Dax Shepard? Okay.
49:01 Speaker 05 Wasn't for me.
49:02 Dax Shepard? You suffered through Cedar Point?
49:04 Speaker 05 Yeah.
49:04 Dax Shepard? Okay, so you have a remodeling disaster story?
49:07 Speaker 05 I sure do. It takes place in 2014. First, you should know, the dynamic between me and my husband is I have crippling anxiety. It's just who I am. My husband, on the other hand, if he gets an idea in his head, he's got to roll with it, like immediately. He cannot sleep until the thing is done.
49:25 Dax Shepard? Sure.
49:26 Speaker 05 So, our house at the time, this was the first house we ever bought, the house itself, it was small, it was only like a thousand square feet. But our garage, we had a detached garage that was very large and heated real nice. But for this story in particular, he decided one day he just randomly wanted to redo our floors. We had hardwood floors, beautiful, so the whole thing. I've got dogs, so I didn't want carpet. This looked perfectly.
49:53 Dax Shepard? This was the original flooring. When was the house built?
49:56 Speaker 05 50s.
49:57 Dax Shepard? Okay.
49:57 Speaker 05 When we bought it, it had carpet in it, pristine carpet, but I had a bunch of big dogs, so it wasn't gonna work. So we ripped it all up and the floors actually were fine, like when we ripped the carpet up, it looked great. But we knew eventually we were gonna have to refinish them. One day randomly, he just decides, this is the weekend, we're doing it. Me, don't like it. I have to work this day. Can't handle it emotionally. So, we're in a fight immediately about this.
50:27 Speaker 05 He's like, no, no, it's fine. We're just gonna move all of our stuff into the garage. We got room out there and then I'll do it while you're at work.
50:34 Dax Shepard? No, this sounds like a plan of mine. Yeah, I can relate. The whole thing will take me forty five minutes.
50:39 Speaker 05 Yeah, he is time blind.
50:42 Speaker 05 I am mad, but I go along with it. I'm like, whatever. I'm just gonna move my stuff. It's fine. He can handle it while I'm at work. When I'm at work, I go on break, I get a message and he's sent me a picture. He's got the whole garage set up for a date night after work. Candle, lid, wine, the whole thing. He's trying to make me not mad at him.
51:04 Dax Shepard? Also, it sounds very ADHD. It's like he was starting to do the floors, but he moved the shit out there and then he's like, oh, I could arrange this. Now I'm gonna have a thing.
51:10 Speaker 05 Now I wanna do a date night.
51:12 Dax Shepard? It's like, you can't even remember what the project was.
51:15 Speaker 05 This is my struggle, for sure. But love him. So he's trying to make me happy at this point. So I'm just like, whatever. I guess I'm not mad. Then he goes to pick me up that night and at this point in time, I was working retail. So it's like ten, ten thirty at night. And I had to work in the morning. I had to open the next day. So I'm like, you know what? Let's just pick up some Wendy's real quick, get some food. And then we'll go home and relax at the date night thing they set up. So we get to Wendy's and as soon as I start opening up my spicy chicken sandwich. I get a voicemail and I know exactly what it says to this day. I'll never forget it. It is my neighbor from across the street and he says, Jessica, this is John from across the street.
52:00 Speaker 05 I don't want to alarm you, but your garage is on fire.
52:09 Speaker 01 Date night candles? Also, why did he light the candles so early?
52:14 Speaker 05 His plan was to light it for the presentation and then get rid of it. But ADHD, right?
52:19 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah. He went to the big moment where the reveal happened and that's where he stopped thinking about it.
52:25 Speaker 05 Then it was back to the floors. So immediately I panic, my stomach just drops, you know, I'm just sick at this point. And I'm like, our garage is on fire. And he's like, what? And I kid you not, he takes another bite of his junior bacon cheeseburger, like it's nothing. So we rush home, longest drive of my life. And we get there and it's immediate chaos on scene. I get out of the car, the neighbor lady across the street, Michelle, she's just screaming like, there's dogs in there, save the animals. But remember, our garage is not attached to our house. So as much as I appreciate that, I'm like, okay, calm down. I'm trying to get everybody else to calm down at this point.
53:04 Speaker 05 And then the firemen are running out of the garage with like gas cans, like this is gonna blow.
53:13 Speaker 05 I go into complete anxiety meltdown. I'm like, oh my gosh, if somebody dies here tonight, this is all because I was throwing a tantrum, you know? So much pressure.
53:23 Speaker 05 Then the fire marshal comes over and it's immediately apparent, this to them looks like arson for insurance fraud. We moved everything except for our beloved pets into the garage and then lit it on fire.
53:38 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah, this looks suspicious.
53:41 Speaker 05 It looked so bad, but luckily I had the text messages from him. He was like, oh, this is an arson. This is pathetic. He's like, oh no. So he just feels bad for me at this point because in my mind, I'm like, I'm going to jail. I'm not built for jail. So everything that I own just went up in flames.
54:00 Dax Shepard? No, it was the garage shot?
54:04 Speaker 05 Oh yeah, everything was gone.
54:06 Dax Shepard? Oh, fuck.
54:07 Speaker 01 Oh my god, husband.
54:08 Dax Shepard? What was your husband's reaction? I mean, if he felt bad about earlier in the day?
54:13 Speaker 05 He's still embarrassed. He doesn't know that I'm doing this.
54:19 Speaker 01 But the marriage stood through that big, big, big dilemma.
54:23 Speaker 05 He's got a little Mr. Bean in him, but the rest of him is solid.
54:27 Speaker 01 That's so nice.
54:29 Dax Shepard? A little Mr. Mean. Yeah, that was 12 years ago. They're still together.
54:32 Speaker 01 I know. I like that.
54:33 Speaker 05 He's my person.
54:34 Speaker 01 Oh.
54:36 Dax Shepard? Well, Jessica, this is delightful. I mean, terrible for you, but this, yeah.
54:40 Speaker 05 Well, thank you. Before I go, though, I do need to say, Dax, thank you so much for creating both Hit and Run and Chips, because those are like my two favorites.
54:50 Dax Shepard? Oh.
54:51 Speaker 05 They're my comfort movies. I rewatched them. Monica, you were great in Chips also.
54:55 Speaker 01 Oh, thank you.
54:56 Speaker 05 I love them so much.
54:58 Dax Shepard? Thank you.
54:59 Speaker 01 That's so sweet. How fun.
55:01 Speaker 05 I can say that I was not a first day armchairy because I was mad. I thought you were wasting your time. I wanted you to write more movies.
55:10 Dax Shepard? Oh, that's a wonderful reason to be against the podcast.
55:13 Speaker 01 But I am glad we got you eventually.
55:15 Speaker 05 It didn't take long. I'm like, I gotta get on board, because it's, what are you doing now? Also, I need to do two quick shout outs. One to my sister in law, because she gave me confidence to do this. She's the best. And also my niece, Olivia, she's an armchairy, and we're all obsessed with you guys.
55:32 Speaker 01 How sweet. I love this. Shout out to both.
55:35 Dax Shepard? Okay, Jessica, you should try to get your hands on Brothers Justice, which is the third movie I made, which is much harder to find, but that's the first movie I ever made. Oh, and it's by far the craziest.
55:47 Speaker 01 It's funny, though. It's really funny.
55:48 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
55:49 Speaker 05 Literally tonight, I'm going to try and track it down.
55:52 Dax Shepard? Please do. Okay, well, lovely meeting you. Thank you.
55:55 Speaker 05 You too.
55:55 Dax Shepard? All right.
55:56 Speaker 01 Have a great day.
55:57 Dax Shepard? Bye bye. Oh, that made me so happy.
56:00 Speaker 01 Great group. That was a good app.
56:02 Dax Shepard? Fun bunch.
56:03 Speaker 01 Really fun bunch.
56:04 Dax Shepard? Marky Mark and the Fun Bunch.
56:06 Speaker 01 All right, well, I'm now gonna run across the street to my house that's under construction.
56:11 Dax Shepard? Make sure no one's shooting dope.
56:11 Speaker 01 That's right.
56:12 Dax Shepard? Okay. All right. Love you.
56:16 Speaker 06 Do you want to sing a tune or something? We have a theme song.
56:18 Dax Shepard? Oh, okay, great.
56:21 Speaker 06 We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of armchairs, we'll get some suggestions. I'm a fly, rhyme dish. I'm a fly, rhyme dish. Enjoy.
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