Pod Insights Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VIII About this episode Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us a crazy story.
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Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Dax Shepard? Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard and I'm with Monica Padman and Sharon Beasley. Hello. Today is Wild Card. It's gonna get wild. Let's see. Yep, they all delivered again. Wow. Yeah. Do we need a trigger? Pun intended. Warning?
0:21 Speaker 01 It is a trigger, right? Because actually, there might have been some abuse.
0:25 Dax Shepard? Oh.
0:26 Speaker 01 Potentially, and we talk about. We're not sure. So, but anyway, you gotta listen.
0:30 Dax Shepard? I'll just say, don't eat when you're listening to this one too, because the last story is fucking nuts.
0:34 Speaker 01 Don't masturbate while you're listening to this one, because it might make you go crazy.
0:39 Dax Shepard? Well, okay, okay. All right. Please enjoy Wild Card. We get support from Quince.
0:46 Speaker 01 Okay. Can we talk about the fact that the holidays are already here? It's crazy. I feel like I blinked and now we're in gifting season, which I'm not really mad about, because I do love giving gifts and Quince is making it so easy to find something great for everyone on my list, including myself, because let's be honest, self-gifting is a love language.
1:05 Dax Shepard? Quince is seriously the gift that keeps on giving. Their high-quality staples are made with premium materials like 100% Mongolian cashmere, 14-karat gold, and Italian leather. Full-on luxury quality at prices that won't wreck your holiday budget.
1:21 Speaker 01 It's the dream. The cashmere sweater, starting at $60, down jackets, wool outerwear, cashmere accessories. You and everyone on your list are staying cozy and looking incredible all season long.
1:32 Dax Shepard? Well, I'm gonna tell you this. It just got chilly for the first time this year in California, and I'm so excited. And I'm wearing my Quince cashmere right now.
1:39 Speaker 01 It's great.
1:40 Dax Shepard? Yeah, and I am going to gift this to some of my friends. I hope they're not listening.
1:44 Speaker 01 Quince is also more than clothing. They've got fine jewelry for your significant other, leather bags for your bestie, hotel-quality bedding to set up your guest rooms, chef-grade cookware. That's an amazing thing they offer here, and it's such a good gift, because people don't like buying cookware for themselves, but it's very important. And they also have five-star luggage, another good gift that people don't like buying for themselves.
2:07 Dax Shepard? Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers, or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. We get support from our sponsor Lilly. For adults with obesity or with excess weight and weight-related medical problems, it's time to find out about Foundo or for Glibron. Foundo is a once-daily prescription GLP-1 medicine used with a reduced calorie diet and increased physical activity to help adults with obesity or some adults with overweight
2:49 Dax Shepard? who also have weight-related medical problems to lose excess body weight and keep the weight off.
2:54 Speaker 02 Foundo should not be used with other GLP-1 receptor agonist medicines. It is not known if Foundo is safe and effective for use in children. Don't take Foundo if you're allergic to it, or if you or someone in your family had medullary thyroid cancer or multiple endocrine euplasia syndrome type 2. Stop and call your doctor right away if you have an allergic reaction, a lump or swelling in your neck, or severe stomach pain. Serious side effects may include inflamed pancreas and gallbladder problems. Tell your doctor if you experience vision changes, if you're nursing, pregnant, plant to be, or taking birth control pills, and before scheduled procedures with anesthesia. Taking Foundo with an insulin or sulfonylurea may cause low blood sugar. Side effects include diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting, which can cause dehydration and may cause kidney problems.
3:33 Speaker 02 Once-daily Foundo is available by prescription only in 0.8mg, 2.5mg, 5.5mg, 9mg, 14.5mg, and 17.2mg tablets. Learn more at foundo.lilly.com or call 1-800-LILLY-RX. Now is perfect to talk to your doctor about Foundo.
4:11 Dax Shepard? Hello?
4:13 Speaker 03 How are you guys?
4:14 Dax Shepard? Good, is this Jordan?
4:15 Speaker 03 Jordan is my husband, I'm using his account. My name is Gabby.
4:19 Dax Shepard? Oh, wonderful, I have a niece named Gabby and I love her. She's a real spitfire.
4:25 Speaker 01 Is it short for Gabrielle?
4:27 Speaker 03 Gabrielle with an A at the end.
4:29 Dax Shepard? And where are you?
4:30 Speaker 03 Indianapolis, Indiana.
4:32 Dax Shepard? You just had the Indy 500?
4:34 Speaker 03 We did.
4:34 Dax Shepard? And what happens in town when that show arrives? Can you feel it everywhere or only around the track?
4:40 Speaker 03 Only around the track, maybe downtown, but out in the suburbs, you're not really feeling too much.
4:44 Dax Shepard? Cause this is an enormous group of people, right? I want to say like 500,000 people spectate that.
4:49 Speaker 03 Oh, yeah. They were sold out this year.
4:51 Dax Shepard? How many people can that house? Rob will look it up.
4:55 Speaker 03 300,000? Is that way too much?
4:56 Dax Shepard? No, the Coca-Cola 400, well, it's not even called that anymore. But in North Carolina, that race I went to, they had 250,000 people. 350,000 attendees. 350.
5:07 Speaker 03 Yeah.
5:08 Dax Shepard? Okay, but do you go? You don't go?
5:09 Speaker 03 My parents go. They have the grandfathered tickets, but it's just not my thing. I think it's really cool that they go super fast left.
5:18 Dax Shepard? So you're wild card, so anything could be on the table.
5:21 Speaker 03 My story takes place when I was about 14 years old. I was a freshman in high school and I was taking a jewelry class. On this particular day, we had a substitute teacher. And I remember that she wasn't really like an art sub. So she came in, took attendance and basically left us to our own devices. I had a necklace project to do within that week and I was almost finished. All I needed was some light buffing. So I head over to the Dremel tool station for a quick polish. And I realized that I have forgotten the hair tie. And I have very long hair at the time, like almost touching my butt. The class had one major rule. If you had long hair, you had to tie your hair back. Cause we're using power tools, we're using fire, you know, safety first.
6:00 Dax Shepard? There are certain tools, like if you're using a belt sander and your hair gets like, not only is it gonna get your hair in there, it's gonna pull your face directly into the thing that's dangerous.
6:10 Speaker 03 Yes, definitely not that big. It was small Dremel tool, but I start buffing away, trying to be quick and careful. And someone in the class calls my name and I whip my head around. And the next thing I know, I can feel the Dremel grip some of my hair and yank.
6:23 Dax Shepard? Oh.
6:24 Speaker 03 So I instantly jerk the tool away from my head and the Dremel takes a clump of my hair with it.
6:30 Dax Shepard? Oh. Ooh.
6:32 Speaker 03 I'm sitting there stunned and one of my classmates gasps and the entire classroom looks at me. And the sub who was probably in for way more than she bargained for takes me straight to the nurse's office. Now, at this point, I haven't seen the damage. I haven't touched it. I'm still filled with adrenaline, so I'm not feeling any pain.
6:50 Dax Shepard? Did you even look at the Dremel to see how big of a chunk of hair was around the Dremel?
6:54 Speaker 03 Honestly, I was just so like, is this even happening that I don't really remember the nurse taking me to the office. I don't remember it actually happening. It was just such a blur until they gave me two Advils and an ice pack.
7:06 Speaker 01 Okay.
7:08 Speaker 03 So the nurses called my sister to the office because she was a junior at the time and my mom, who worked just down the road. My sister shows up first, totally confused because she has no idea why she was even called. And the nurses tell her that there was a small accident and that I lost a chunk of hair about the size of a half dollar and then sends her in. Not being adequately prepared for what she was about to witness, I lift the ice pack from my head and there's a bald spot about the size of my palm.
7:34 Speaker 01 Oh, no way.
7:35 Dax Shepard? The size of your palm?
7:37 Speaker 03 Yeah, right in the front.
7:38 Speaker 01 Oh, my.
7:38 Dax Shepard? Oh, right where you wouldn't want it.
7:40 Speaker 03 So I want to say that I was holding it together pretty good up until that point. But when she started freaking out, I mean, I lost it and I just started bawling.
7:47 Dax Shepard? Yeah. Was there not a ton of blood?
7:49 Speaker 03 There was not. So it was only kind of like prickly with blood from the individual hair plugs, but it wasn't filled with blood or anything.
7:56 Dax Shepard? What's lucky is that you could imagine that you would tear off all the skin it was attached because there's so much hair.
8:03 Speaker 03 I will get to that.
8:04 Dax Shepard? Oh, okay.
8:05 Speaker 01 Oh, boy.
8:05 Speaker 03 So my mom arrives, she takes one, looks at me and has a very similar reaction, you know, like great poker faces in this family. Eventually, the assistant principal comes in and they tell me that I need to go home and that I need to stay home for a couple of days. If the spot turns purple or starts swelling, that means I have to go to the hospital immediately. It means that my scalp has disconnected from my skull and the empty spaces started to fill up with blood and I would need immediate surgery.
8:31 Speaker 01 Oh.
8:31 Dax Shepard? Wow. Did they look that up on the computer?
8:33 Speaker 01 Maybe they knew this about these tools and the hair.
8:36 Speaker 03 I imagine they had this prepared because if they're telling us to bring hair ties, they understand the possibilities of what could be happening.
8:42 Speaker 01 I'm surprised they don't make you do a hairnet.
8:44 Speaker 03 Maybe now. This was almost 15 years-ish. But thankfully, none of that ever happened. I stayed home for two days and I went back to school and everything was fine.
8:52 Dax Shepard? Ish.
8:53 Speaker 03 Yes. My consolation prize was a handwritten laminated note that said I could wear a hat for the rest of the school year, which was very special.
9:01 Dax Shepard? Oh, sure.
9:01 Speaker 03 Because hats were against my high school stress code.
9:05 Dax Shepard? We had a protest at my school over hats.
9:08 Speaker 01 Really?
9:09 Dax Shepard? This is ridiculous. Like, welcome to the white suburbs. But yeah, there was a walkout that was scheduled and it was about hats.
9:15 Speaker 01 Wow.
9:16 Dax Shepard? And we were all outside and I joined just because no one else was in school. I was kind of opposed to it.
9:20 Speaker 01 Oh, you were?
9:21 Dax Shepard? Yeah, it just seemed like a ridiculous thing to protest.
9:23 Speaker 01 But it's also autonomy, which you like.
9:25 Dax Shepard? I would have loved to have worn a hat. It just felt like, this is what we're protesting over?
9:29 Speaker 01 Oh, wow. Okay.
9:30 Dax Shepard? So when I was out there and the big gaggle of people was just after the 90210 episode had aired where they kicked out Tori Spelling from having drank at prom. They weren't gonna let her graduate. Donna Martin graduate!
9:44 Speaker 01 Yes, that's right.
9:44 Dax Shepard? So I started chanting, Donna Martin graduate. And I will say, almost everyone joined in. And that made the whole thing worthwhile.
9:54 Speaker 03 The best part of the whole thing was the original teacher came back. She put my clump of hair in a Ziploc bag and thumbtacked it to the corkboard in her classroom. Kind of like a weird, slightly horrifying cautionary tale for anybody with long hair.
10:08 Dax Shepard? That was the right move. Like, this is what no hair tie equals.
10:12 Speaker 01 This is a classic Final Destination plotline.
10:17 Speaker 03 Right?
10:17 Speaker 01 You know, Final Destination?
10:18 Dax Shepard? I don't.
10:19 Speaker 01 Oh, my god.
10:19 Dax Shepard? I'm totally out at sea right now. What does that mean?
10:21 Speaker 01 It's a movie series where basically all these people die in crazy ways. Like, the tanning bed closes on them and then they fry them. The lumber truck where all the wood falls off on the highway. See, yes. Every time I'm behind anything where a truck has stuff hanging out, I move lanes.
10:40 Speaker 03 Immediately move.
10:41 Speaker 01 Your hair thing could have easily been a whole Final Destination.
10:45 Dax Shepard? Sucked her whole head off.
10:46 Speaker 01 Yeah.
10:47 Speaker 03 I feel like if I didn't pull it away, which essentially was pulling all of my hair out, it could have been way worse. Like, if the Dremel came towards my face.
10:55 Dax Shepard? Well, it would have. It would have wound its way. Up to your skull and then that thing would have been spinning against your skull and ripping all the hair out. Yeah, it'd been like a chainsaw.
11:03 Speaker 03 Perfect for a 14 year old to experience. Absolutely.
11:06 Dax Shepard? Oh, Lord.
11:07 Speaker 01 I'm glad you got to wear a hat.
11:09 Dax Shepard? How long did it take for that to grow back?
11:11 Speaker 03 I had some stunted hair growth for a couple of years. It would grow maybe an inch or two and then it would just stop.
11:18 Dax Shepard? Oh, were you panicked that for life?
11:20 Speaker 03 Yes, but I also have a lot of hair, so I just parted my hair on the other side and it was pretty much fine.
11:25 Dax Shepard? What a good attitude.
11:26 Speaker 01 Great attitude.
11:27 Dax Shepard? Yeah, admirable attitude. You rarely hear nice toot, but that's a nice toot.
11:31 Speaker 01 It is.
11:33 Speaker 03 Lesson learned. Always put your hair back if you're using absolutely anything.
11:37 Dax Shepard? Anyone in the audience that's about to use a Dremel or any power tool. Also, being a substitute teacher has got to be one of the worst things ever because everyone's so disrespectful.
11:45 Speaker 01 That's a good prompt.
11:46 Dax Shepard? Oh, substitute teacher, write it down, WAB. Yeah, because that could either be there was one or you are one.
11:51 Speaker 04 Mm hmm. We had teachers written down, but I'll add substitute.
11:54 Speaker 01 That's a too so specific because you don't know what you're doing.
11:57 Dax Shepard? I hate to say this to offend them, but you're a babysitter for the day because you don't know what the fuck they're.
12:03 Speaker 01 You can't teach.
12:04 Dax Shepard? No.
12:04 Speaker 01 Yeah.
12:05 Speaker 03 I'm sure she thought she was just going to come, maybe put on her headphones, get a little bit of work done. And now she's taking this poor girl with a ball to the nurse's office.
12:14 Dax Shepard? And she's probably like, fuck, I bet the normal teacher would have.
12:16 Speaker 01 Not allowed her.
12:17 Dax Shepard? She probably took on that responsibility.
12:20 Speaker 01 If you had final destination, she would have been feeling a lot of guilt.
12:24 Dax Shepard? Yes, yes. Well, Gabby, it's delightful to meet you.
12:28 Speaker 03 Thank you so much. My husband is actually the one who introduced me to your show. Is it okay if I go grab him?
12:33 Dax Shepard? Of course. Give him one of your ear pods so he can hear us.
12:35 Speaker 03 I will. Absolutely.
12:36 Dax Shepard? Why can't I remember earbud?
12:38 Speaker 01 Because you want to say earbuds.
12:40 Dax Shepard? And that's what it is.
12:41 Speaker 04 It's an AirPod.
12:41 Speaker 01 AirPod.
12:42 Dax Shepard? AirPod or earbud?
12:44 Speaker 01 Yeah.
12:44 Dax Shepard? And I'm mixing them.
12:45 Speaker 01 Or headphone.
12:46 Dax Shepard? I'm smashing, I'm conflating. No, not conflating.
12:50 Speaker 01 You're doing a portman too.
12:52 Dax Shepard? Portman too. Portman too?
12:53 Speaker 01 That's when two words come together, I think.
12:55 Dax Shepard? Oh, wow. I love when you speak French.
12:58 Speaker 01 There's a baby.
12:59 Dax Shepard? There's a little baby in the mix.
13:01 Speaker 01 Oh, my goodness. That's a cute one.
13:05 Dax Shepard? A lot of hair. No wonder this is in keeping.
13:09 Speaker 03 This is my husband, Jordan, and my daughter Amelia.
13:11 Dax Shepard? Hi, Jordan. Great to meet you. And you, Amelia? Is she about 10 months old?
13:16 Speaker 03 She's four.
13:18 Dax Shepard? Four months?
13:19 Speaker 03 Four months old.
13:19 Dax Shepard? Oh, fuck, dude. I thought you were saying four years old, and I was about to have a real panic.
13:26 Speaker 01 She is four months. She looks like when I started with Delta. She's that size.
13:31 Dax Shepard? Big cheeks. Jordan, what brought you to the podcast? It's not normal that the husband introduces the wife.
13:37 Speaker 05 I'm from Gary, Indiana originally, and I have about a two and a half hour drive. And my mother was going through cancer treatments. And I stumbled across you guys and been listening ever since.
13:48 Speaker 01 Oh, that's so nice.
13:49 Dax Shepard? I've been to Gary many, many times. You must know Sturgis, Michigan.
13:53 Speaker 05 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every time you guys bring up Michigan, I'm like, yeah, the proper place up north.
13:59 Speaker 05 I'm technically from Indiana, but I like to try to pretend I'm from Michigan.
14:02 Dax Shepard? Oh, good. We'd love to have you, Jordan.
14:05 Speaker 05 Thank you.
14:05 Dax Shepard? Well, it's so nice meeting you and your family. Thanks so much.
14:08 Speaker 05 Yes, it's great.
14:09 Dax Shepard? All right, tell Gabby we said thank you.
14:10 Speaker 01 Bye.
14:11 Dax Shepard? Bye.
14:12 Speaker 01 I can't with Amelia. She was so cute.
14:16 Dax Shepard? She was. And she's just hanging out. When you're four months old, you just hang out. Wherever they lift you up and carry you, that's where you're at.
14:23 Speaker 01 You're just squish.
14:24 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
14:26 Speaker 01 Gosh.
14:27 Dax Shepard? You're putting... Hi, is this Kristen?
14:30 Speaker 06 Yes.
14:31 Dax Shepard? You're in a little person's room.
14:33 Speaker 06 I have two little people. One's five and one's three. They're both girls.
14:38 Dax Shepard? And does five-year-old sleep on the upper bunk there?
14:41 Speaker 06 No, actually, she's kind of afraid of the top bunk. So her sister sleeps on the top, and then the five-year-old sleeps on the bottom, and she has a slide.
14:49 Dax Shepard? I was just gonna ask, does she depart every morning from bed by going down the slide?
14:53 Speaker 06 Yes, or she jumps over. You see this chair right here?
14:57 Dax Shepard? Of course, yeah.
14:59 Speaker 06 From there, onto the chair.
15:00 Dax Shepard? She's my kind of gal. I'd love to start my day by sliding down a slide.
15:04 Speaker 01 That's so fun.
15:04 Dax Shepard? I should figure that out.
15:05 Speaker 01 Add a little playfulness to the start of the day.
15:08 Dax Shepard? A little shot of adrenaline to wake you up. And what state are you in or country?
15:13 Speaker 06 Would you like to guess?
15:14 Dax Shepard? I feel like you're Midwest.
15:16 Speaker 01 I feel like you're southern.
15:17 Dax Shepard? No.
15:18 Speaker 06 I'll give you a hint. I've met you before at Sprouts.
15:21 Dax Shepard? In Texas or in Tennessee?
15:22 Speaker 06 In Texas.
15:23 Dax Shepard? Oh, okay. You're in Texas. So, Monty, you were right.
15:26 Speaker 01 I'm a little right, yeah.
15:27 Dax Shepard? Rightish.
15:28 Speaker 06 Yeah, about thirty minutes outside of Dallas in a town called Lavon.
15:32 Dax Shepard? Okay, wonderful. And that whole area has really exploded, right? The whole metropolitan Dallas area?
15:37 Speaker 06 Yes. My husband works at Rockwall and it's crazy.
15:40 Dax Shepard? Do you hate it or love it? I'm sure it's brought in new restaurants and stuff.
15:43 Speaker 06 I love it because he's a barber and he owns his own business. So lots of hair that needs to be cut.
15:49 Dax Shepard? Well, tell him from barber to barber, I say hi.
15:52 Speaker 06 Yes.
15:54 Dax Shepard? Okay, so you have a wild card story, which is our favorite.
15:56 Speaker 06 My dad is definitely the star of the story.
16:00 Dax Shepard? I love dads.
16:01 Speaker 06 Yes, he is amazing. His birthday is actually tomorrow.
16:04 Dax Shepard? Oh, wonderful.
16:05 Speaker 06 The story takes place in Rawlett, Texas. It's about two towns over from me now. The year is two thousand six. I am sixteen years old and our normal morning routine would be that my dad would wake up at six o'clock. His alarm clock would go off and it's so insanely loud. And it was always on ninety-two point five, the classic rock station.
16:28 Dax Shepard? Oh, good for him. I like him.
16:29 Speaker 06 So I would hear his alarm clock going off, but I would just stay asleep. And he would come in and wake me up at about six thirty. I'd get ready, we'd be off to bed or off to school.
16:38 Dax Shepard? That's what Monica does. Wake up and then off to bed.
16:41 Speaker 06 Yeah.
16:43 Speaker 01 You love to paint a lazy picture.
16:45 Dax Shepard? I know, I just made that joke when we were looking at your house two seconds ago. I'm doing what I can with what I got.
16:49 Speaker 06 So on this one particular day, my dad woke up and he just had this weird feeling and he felt like he needed to go look out the front door.
16:57 Dax Shepard? Huh.
16:58 Speaker 06 So it's six fifteen in the morning. And he goes and looks out the top of the door. We had like one of those little half windows. And he sees a man walking up our driveway in the dark.
17:09 Dax Shepard? Wow.
17:09 Speaker 06 It's completely pitch black.
17:21 Dax Shepard? This episode is supported by Helix.
17:25 Speaker 01 Okay, can we talk about how November is basically survival mode between the holidays, the travel, the hosting, the cooking, the everything? Sleep is the one thing keeping me from completely unraveling.
17:35 Dax Shepard? It really is the foundation, and I think people underestimate how much a bad mattress is quietly ruining their day. You wake up stiff, your back's angry, you're already behind before your feet hit the floor.
17:46 Speaker 01 That was me before Helix. I took their sleep quiz, which is so fast, it took me like two minutes, and they matched me to a mattress that actually fits how I sleep. Not a guess, not a firm or soft coin flip, it's a real match. I have a midnight mattress and I really like it. I was noticing it because I actually had to sleep in one of my other beds recently that doesn't have a Helix mattress on it, and I really could tell a big difference in my sleep.
18:09 Dax Shepard? Temperature was all over the map.
18:10 Speaker 01 It was a mess. I need a new one.
18:12 Dax Shepard? Look, they've got over 20 mattress models, so whether you sleep hot, need extra back support, or you've got a partner who moves around all night, there's one built for you. Plus free shipping and a 365 night happy with Helix guarantee. That's a full year to decide.
18:27 Speaker 01 Helix has been named the most awarded mattress by Forbes, Wired, and more. So it's not just us being enthusiastic, the experts agree.
18:34 Dax Shepard? Right now, Helix is running their Black Friday sale with up to 30% off. Go to helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. That's helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. Helixsleep.com/armchair.
19:00 Speaker 06 So he's confused, like, what is this guy doing? And then about halfway up the driveway, the guy starts to turn and goes toward my bedroom window, which is in the front of the house. So I had just moved bedrooms into my sister's bedroom because my dad made these really cool shelves. So he turns on the light. And the guy runs away. He then kind of tries to act like everything's normal. And he comes and he just wakes me up and I get ready for school.
19:29 Dax Shepard? Can I pause you for one second? I want to have a little debate with Monica. Okay, so I would definitely go outside and see what's happening. Yay or nay?
19:37 Speaker 01 You know, I'm gonna say.
19:37 Dax Shepard? You're gonna say nay?
19:38 Speaker 01 I understand why you should, but for me, maybe you took care of it by just scaring him.
19:45 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
19:45 Speaker 01 So to add more chaos, like why?
19:48 Dax Shepard? Okay, great.
19:48 Speaker 06 My dad is normally like you, Dex. There have been times where there was a guy following my sister home. And my sister called him and was like, what should I do? And my dad said, you need to come home.
20:01 Dax Shepard? Yeah, drive right here.
20:02 Speaker 06 Normally people would tell you to like, drive to a police station, but no. So this guy's following my sister. My dad is outside in his underwear with a shotgun.
20:10 Speaker 01 Yeah.
20:11 Dax Shepard? Sure, sure. He built his own shelves. I get it.
20:12 Speaker 06 For some reason, he felt like you, Monica. Then I just go to school and he didn't tell me anything. He didn't say anything. He waited until I got home from school. Him and my mom sat me down and he's like, I really didn't want you to be distracted at school. So I didn't tell you this morning. Then he tells me what happened and I am completely shocked. I am running through my head. Has he seen me like dancing, getting ready for school? He's obviously some weirdo watching me get dressed. He's probably seen a lot of tank top layering at that time.
20:46 Speaker 01 So much tank top layering at that time.
20:48 Speaker 06 He says, also, I've looked in the flower bed in front of our house. And there's like a part where grass is not growing. It's like a perfect size for two grown men's feet.
21:03 Speaker 06 He has been watching me for a very long time.
21:07 Dax Shepard? Oh.
21:08 Speaker 01 This is very you, the show, the show.
21:12 Dax Shepard? Can I make a request? From now on in the order, I want you to say, this is very much like the show you.
21:19 Speaker 01 I can't promise that.
21:20 Dax Shepard? You, then the show.
21:21 Speaker 01 I can't promise it.
21:23 Dax Shepard? We were talking for quite a while before I realized, oh, there's a beagle on the ground behind her.
21:27 Speaker 01 Did you think it was a stuffed animal?
21:29 Dax Shepard? I thought it was immediately a beagle and I thought, oh, what a calm beagle.
21:31 Speaker 01 Yeah, I've seen him.
21:32 Dax Shepard? And then you moved your head enough and I was like, oh, we got a second beagle on the bed back there.
21:36 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
21:37 Dax Shepard? Did you see that beagle?
21:38 Speaker 01 No, I did not see that one.
21:40 Dax Shepard? I'm now like, kind of expecting I'm gonna discover six or seven more beagles in this room.
21:44 Speaker 01 Oh, my God. It's like a magic eye and they start popping out.
21:47 Dax Shepard? Yeah, where's Waldo?
21:49 Speaker 06 That is Lady and that's Manja. There's only two of them.
21:52 Dax Shepard? Okay.
21:53 Speaker 06 You can probably hear this one snoring.
21:55 Dax Shepard? I could hear that a little bit, yeah.
21:56 Speaker 06 Yeah, he snores really bad. They know that I'm nervous, so they wouldn't let me in here by myself.
22:04 Speaker 01 That's so sweet.
22:06 Dax Shepard? So cute.
22:07 Speaker 06 So they sit me down, they tell me this has been going on. It's kind of fuzzy a little bit from that point, just because I was trying to absorb all of this information. So my dad's like, we're gonna call the police and we're gonna report this. So the police come. What I remember my dad asking the police officer is, can I put a bear trap in my front yard?
22:29 Dax Shepard? Literally, before you said that sentence, I was like, God, I wish it wasn't illegal to bury a bear trap under some mulch. Then you got him.
22:36 Speaker 01 How does it work, a bear trap?
22:38 Dax Shepard? You step on the center and then these jaws snap shut and they go into your leg and then that's on a chain. So you can't go anywhere unless you wanna cut your leg off.
22:47 Speaker 01 Wow.
22:47 Dax Shepard? Yeah. That's crazy you just said that. That's exactly what I was thinking about.
22:51 Speaker 06 I kind of knew that you would be on the same page because you're so very much like my dad. The cop said, no, sorry, unfortunately you can't do that because then all of the animals and children in the neighborhood are at risk. There was another, I'm not gonna go down this rabbit hole, but there was another time that he did booby trap the backyard.
23:10 Dax Shepard? Okay, yeah.
23:11 Speaker 06 The police officer said, no, sorry, you can't do that, but can you give us a description? So my dad is giving the description and it's a very, very short man, probably like five one. And he says he has the same facial hair as our next door neighbor. We need you to talk to him. So the police go and they talk to both of our neighbors on both sides. They come back and they say, that guy's really weird. He wouldn't look us in the eyes. His wife answered all the questions.
23:40 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
23:41 Speaker 06 And he was super shady, but without knowing exactly who he is. We can't just arrest him. They're like, we'll patrol your neighborhood every morning at this time. So my dad then takes me to Walmart to get black curtains. Because we had realized that there was an inch on the side of my blinds that you could see through. He also nailed every window in our house shut. Then put a fire bat next to each window, just in case the house caught on fire. We can still get out.
24:11 Speaker 01 Oh, smart. Okay. I love this.
24:15 Speaker 06 About a month goes by and the police call and they say, we caught him.
24:19 Dax Shepard? Oh.
24:19 Speaker 06 We need you to come to the police station. My dad goes without me. I didn't want to go because I didn't want to see him. Spoiler alert, it was the next door neighbor.
24:28 Speaker 01 Oh.
24:30 Speaker 06 He lived so close to us that we couldn't file a restraining order. In the state of Texas, though, you can have an order that basically says, if you come on my property, I can do whatever.
24:40 Dax Shepard? Stand your ground law kind of thing, yeah. How had they caught him? Did they catch him at your house or someone else's?
24:46 Speaker 06 So they tell my dad, he was doing the same thing to a girl down the street. He's been watching her through her bathroom window. And it's like one of those like frosted windows. So he thinks that she can't see him. And this girl, who is in high school, pretends not to see him. Kind of walks close to the window and with her bare fist.
25:07 Speaker 01 Oh.
25:08 Speaker 06 Punches through the window.
25:10 Dax Shepard? What?
25:10 Speaker 06 And hits him in the face. He is bleeding.
25:14 Speaker 01 Good for her.
25:15 Speaker 06 Her dad comes out and apprehends him. They call the police, everything. It's insane.
25:20 Dax Shepard? Is she a long haul truck driver now?
25:22 Speaker 06 I don't know.
25:23 Dax Shepard? Diesel mechanic?
25:25 Speaker 06 My mom asked me, she was like, do you want to go meet her and like be friends with her and talk to her?
25:31 Dax Shepard? Form a support group?
25:33 Speaker 06 And I was like, I'm kind of scared of her.
25:36 Speaker 01 Right.
25:36 Speaker 06 What if I get on her bad side and she beats me up or something? But that's how he got caught.
25:41 Speaker 01 Wow. How old was he?
25:43 Speaker 06 He had to have been in his thirties.
25:45 Speaker 01 Okay, so not that old.
25:47 Dax Shepard? It's hard for you to know when you're that age.
25:49 Speaker 06 Yeah.
25:49 Dax Shepard? What happened to him?
25:50 Speaker 06 I know that he's on a registry. I think that he had to deal with some legal ramifications. We didn't have to really deal with him for much longer because the girl down the street, her family made it really hard for him to live there. They put a sign in his yard.
26:04 Dax Shepard? Oh, okay. A little vigilante justice happening.
26:08 Speaker 06 Yeah, so he moved very quickly.
26:11 Dax Shepard? Oh, his wife. You've been doing what?
26:13 Speaker 01 She has to defend him, kind of. Oh, this is awful.
26:16 Speaker 06 Yeah, like what? Your husband is leaving at six o'clock every morning and then coming back?
26:21 Speaker 01 And do you think she knows?
26:23 Dax Shepard? She was asleep. She was a heavy sleeper. He was sneaking now.
26:25 Speaker 01 She knew, but she didn't want to know.
26:27 Speaker 06 I mean, I wonder even if he had like a schedule of the girls in the neighborhood, like she wakes up at this time.
26:33 Dax Shepard? Yeah, boy, boy. Oh, boy, I'm sorry that that happened in your neighborhood.
26:39 Speaker 01 I'm really sorry that that happened. I wonder where he went and did he do it again to a new neighborhood?
26:44 Dax Shepard? What I would be thinking if I were you from the second your parents told you that, I would be so distracted with literally trying to go through every single thing I've ever done in my bedroom.
26:53 Speaker 06 Oh, yeah.
26:53 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
26:54 Speaker 06 That's all I could think. I think that that's for a long time. Why everything was so fuzzy is because that's all I could think of.
27:00 Dax Shepard? The innumerable weird things we do in our bedroom by ourselves. Yeah, yeah. That's kind of universal, I think, is that fucking weird in your bedroom.
27:07 Speaker 01 Ew, God, oh.
27:09 Dax Shepard? Well, thank you for telling us that story.
27:12 Speaker 06 Of course. Thank you for listening.
27:13 Dax Shepard? It's wonderful to meet you a second time and now to chat for much longer. And tell the Beagles they did a really good job.
27:19 Speaker 06 Definitely. It's so good to see you guys and it's really, really great to meet you, Monica. I love you so much.
27:23 Speaker 01 Oh, thank you. I might need to get a Beagle now. You've really sold them.
27:28 Speaker 06 They're really pretty great. Lady can tell when you're nervous, sick or pregnant.
27:33 Speaker 01 Oh.
27:34 Speaker 06 She's predicted some pregnancies.
27:36 Dax Shepard? Yeah, Lola used to do that. Sit on Kristen's belly all the time.
27:39 Speaker 01 Yeah, they have powers.
27:42 Dax Shepard? Oh, all right. Well, much love to you and have a great summer.
27:45 Speaker 06 Thank you.
27:46 Dax Shepard? Okay, take care.
27:49 Dax Shepard? Those dogs were so calm and nice. Those are not like my dogs.
27:52 Speaker 01 I know. I've been looking at dogs on the street, seeing which ones I like, which ones I don't.
27:57 Dax Shepard? Okay.
27:58 Speaker 01 There was one the other day I liked, really fluffy.
28:00 Dax Shepard? So you're looking for something maybe more fluffy?
28:03 Speaker 01 Big fluffy, but can be mean.
28:06 Dax Shepard? You need a doodle.
28:07 Speaker 01 Soft. No, they're not mean enough.
28:10 Dax Shepard? Well, they bark like crazy. I know Aaron's dogs, if you come to the door, they go bananas. That's really all you need.
28:15 Speaker 01 I guess that's true. I'm looking for more of a wolf type.
28:19 Speaker 04 Husky.
28:20 Speaker 01 Yeah, I like husky.
28:22 Speaker 04 Did you see Maru put up a sign with no animals allowed in?
28:26 Speaker 01 That's a big change. They used to be an animal establishment.
28:30 Dax Shepard? There's probably a hundred fights.
28:31 Speaker 01 They hated the dogs in the line, remember?
28:33 Dax Shepard? Yeah, I was eating that mustard seed yesterday at the end of my bike ride. And yeah, this dude comes and he's got a pit bull and then this chick comes with like a boxer's pit bull. And then like barking each other. And then the woman's dog literally pulls her into the street. And I'm like, you can't have a dog that you can't control.
28:48 Speaker 01 I know.
28:49 Dax Shepard? And I was just like, get them away from the door.
28:51 Speaker 01 See, this is how I feel.
28:54 Dax Shepard? Hi.
28:55 Speaker 03 Hi.
28:56 Dax Shepard? What name should we say for you?
28:58 Speaker 03 I'm gonna go with Taylor.
29:00 Speaker 01 Taylor, because of Taylor Swift?
29:02 Speaker 03 You got it, Monica. I knew you would.
29:05 Speaker 01 I love it.
29:07 Dax Shepard? Taylor, where are you in the country?
29:08 Speaker 03 I'm also gonna keep that anonymous.
29:10 Dax Shepard? These are great starts. Fake name and fake location and a wild card. Let us have it.
29:14 Speaker 01 Give away that you have great hair.
29:16 Speaker 03 Oh, Monica, thank you. These are heatless overnight curls. I've been telling everyone about it.
29:22 Speaker 01 I've been hearing about this and this looks great. I'm gonna give it a whirl.
29:26 Dax Shepard? I like my curls with a little heat.
29:28 Speaker 01 You're like to damage your hair a little bit.
29:32 Speaker 03 Okay, so I actually originally submitted my story to the foreign body and erectum category.
29:38 Speaker 01 Oh, hell, yes. Okay, great.
29:40 Speaker 03 I was employing some artistic.
29:43 Dax Shepard? License.
29:43 Speaker 03 Licensing, that's what I was going for, yeah. But Emma's like, you know what? Let's just go ahead and do it on the wild card.
29:48 Dax Shepard? Wonderful.
29:49 Speaker 03 I am a nurse. I work in the emergency department.
29:51 Speaker 01 Wait, have you watched The Pit?
29:53 Speaker 03 Of course, Monica. Yes.
29:54 Speaker 01 Thank you. It's not actually, of course. You'd be shocked that. A lot of people haven't watched it yet.
29:59 Dax Shepard? In the medical community.
30:00 Speaker 03 I loved it. Such a good show. Very accurate on most accounts. All right. So I work in the level two trauma center in the emergency department. We get all the good stuff. So the traumas, strokes, stummies, if it's a big deal, it's coming to us.
30:13 Dax Shepard? Remind us of the levels.
30:14 Speaker 03 Level one, two, three. I think there might be a four. One is the highest. You have to be like a teaching hospital to be a level one. You have to have all the specialties like hand surgeons. We don't have all that. So we're only a level two.
30:26 Dax Shepard? Okay.
30:26 Speaker 03 But we are the highest level in our city. This was a few years ago. It was a pretty chill morning, not a whole lot going on, but we received a Pulsara, which is a secure app where the medics kind of let us know what's coming in. And this was quite a surprise. All of our jaws dropped when we saw what was coming in.
31:01 Speaker 03 The chief complaint for this patient was patient masturbating with a gun and shot herself in the vagina.
31:10 Dax Shepard? Holy fucking hell. Holy hell. I mean, I'm weirdly not shocked and I'm shocked.
31:18 Speaker 01 In the other ones, based on what we heard, I was like, I'm surprised there's no gun ones.
31:22 Dax Shepard? Yeah, there's more than sexual components going on in these situations, it seems.
31:27 Speaker 01 But vagina.
31:29 Dax Shepard? Wow.
31:29 Speaker 03 I mean, with a loaded gun, that's kind of a lot.
31:32 Dax Shepard? A rifle or a handgun?
31:34 Speaker 03 I was told it was a 38 revolver.
31:37 Dax Shepard? Oh, wow.
31:38 Speaker 01 Also, a loaded gun, you're obviously gonna shoot it when you're orgasming. Like, you're gonna.
31:45 Dax Shepard? Do you think it's gonna be an accident or you think it's gonna push it that much higher?
31:50 Speaker 01 What do you mean?
31:50 Dax Shepard? Like you're about to orgasm and you're just like, you're going and you're like, I'm fucking fire this thing and really blast off.
31:56 Speaker 01 It's an accident mixed with that. Like, who cares?
32:00 Speaker 03 So added on to the end of that, believe it or not, they said a patient has a psych history.
32:04 Speaker 01 Oh, shocking. Okay.
32:06 Speaker 03 But also her vital signs were normal. You'd expect someone to be like tachycardic, hypotensive, right? High heart rate, low blood pressure. It was totally normal. So we're like, geez, is this for real? Honestly, my first thought was this is a psych patient. She's on her period and she made it the story in her head. The cramping is the pain and the bleeding, you know, I shot myself.
32:24 Speaker 01 Great guess.
32:25 Speaker 03 We're excited, right? This comes in and we're all just like, this is what we do this for, right? To hear these crazy things.
32:31 Dax Shepard? Yes.
32:32 Speaker 03 On the medic side of things, the call was actually originally sent out as patient kicked a gun, accidental discharge. The dispatch is constantly sending them notes, right? Kind of updating them what the patient's saying. Then the story totally changes and it goes to patient was on a trail and got shot. So the medic's kind of like, okay. Another tidbit, apparently the SWAT team was deployed to this house about a week prior. Another note that the medic's getting and she's just like, what is going on? Then it comes out, patient was masturbating with a gun, shot herself the vagina. And then she's like, what is going on here?
33:03 Dax Shepard? Also, what will be the next update? You're seeing the pattern, the trajectory of this.
33:08 Speaker 01 Escalating.
33:09 Dax Shepard? Yeah. You're like, what could be next?
33:11 Speaker 03 I gotta give it up to our EMS, our medics. They're amazing. I can't imagine what they do every day going out to people's houses.
33:16 Dax Shepard? They're a medical professional mixed with a police officer. It's like they're entering houses and they don't know what's on the other side of the door.
33:22 Speaker 03 Yeah. So they're telling the medic, first she was bleeding. Now the patient's saying she's not even bleeding. Then it feels like there's someone in the background kind of feeding her a story. Then the patient's not talking at all. Then there's like whispering in the back. Who knows what you're heading into, right? So she rolls up on scene. Apparently there is a boyfriend. He's hiding in the basement.
33:40 Speaker 01 Oh.
33:40 Speaker 03 Police are on scene, thank God. But when she goes to meet the patient, the police are like, well, we don't really know where the gun is yet. It might be under the blanket with the patient. Medic's like, okay, rips off the blanket, no gun, but also no bleeding. Patient looks fine. She's pink, warm and dry. Starts getting the vital signs. They're all normal. She's like, do I believe this story or not? The patient, there's nothing going on on her back. She's just like, this is crazy. The patient's not really acting like she's in a ton of pain. So it's just kind of a big mystery. There also happens to be some needles spread around.
34:11 Dax Shepard? By the way, I already know she's shooting meth, not heroin. This sounds like a very methy psychosexual bizarre.
34:18 Speaker 03 Wouldn't be surprised. The only thing is though, is she was very chill. So a lot of the times people on meth are kind of jazzed up.
34:24 Speaker 01 Yeah.
34:24 Dax Shepard? That's a good counter.
34:25 Speaker 03 So who knows? But she decides, you know, I need to run this as a code three trauma. I can't prove that this woman didn't do what she said she did. So she loads up the patient. She's on her way, constantly assessing the patient, looking for rigidity in the stomach, checking her vital signs, constantly rolling her over, checking her back. Still normal vital signs. And she's practically sleeping the whole way. They roll into the department. We're all just like salivating, waiting like, well, what's going to roll on the door here? Cause we're excited to see too. We're not finding any wounds. We're hooking her up to the monitor. We're taking her vitals. They're all normal. We're just kind of looking at each other like, oh, this whole thing was BS.
35:00 Speaker 01 And is there a pelvic exam?
35:02 Speaker 03 That's where we go to. So we check everything else. And then the doc's like, I gotta do a pelvic exam. If you're telling me you shot yourself in the vagina, we gotta check out your vagina. So he starts to do a pelvic exam and he did see some blood. What caught his attention? He saw what appeared to be some gunpowder.
35:17 Speaker 01 Stop it.
35:18 Dax Shepard? Gunpowder.
35:19 Speaker 03 So we're like, okay, we gotta get this lady to CAT scan. Sure as shit. There is a bullet lodged in her pelvis.
35:26 Dax Shepard? It went into her ilium or ischium, her bone.
35:29 Speaker 03 I don't think it went into her bone. It was just kind of up in that pelvic region and definitely caused some damage up in there.
35:36 Dax Shepard? I would expect if you fired a 38 inside of a vagina, that it would exit out the back or the front. That's crazy.
35:43 Speaker 01 Just got lodged in that squishy tissue.
35:46 Speaker 03 I know, but she did it. She unfortunately had to have a full hysterectomy. She had to have a colectomy.
35:52 Speaker 01 Oh.
35:53 Speaker 03 She did some damage, but as far as I know, she's alive. We had some major concerns for this patient that this maybe wasn't consensual.
36:00 Speaker 01 Oh, my god.
36:01 Dax Shepard? Or I could even see it starting out as kinky sensual. Sensual. Consensual.
36:08 Speaker 03 That's a new word.
36:11 Speaker 01 I mean, that too.
36:12 Dax Shepard? Sensual is within the word consent. I could see them, yeah, some kinky thing and he's putting his gun in her and then he accidentally shot her and then he's like, you gotta act like you were masturbating with this.
36:21 Speaker 01 This is horrible.
36:23 Speaker 03 It's so sad. I wanna not make light.
36:25 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:26 Speaker 01 But still, this is a story.
36:28 Speaker 03 We've seen a lot of things. One of my favorites was like a DIY cock ring gone wrong. A lot of foreign bodies.
36:34 Dax Shepard? Tell me about the DIY cock ring. What was used?
36:37 Speaker 03 That was like a 16 ounce plastic soda bottle.
36:41 Dax Shepard? Uh huh.
36:41 Speaker 03 Cut the top of the ring part off and multiple ones fit over the penis. But then the end of the penis got very edematous and he couldn't get them off.
36:53 Dax Shepard? Sure. It swelled.
36:55 Speaker 01 Kinda like my finger with my ring.
36:57 Dax Shepard? Yes.
36:57 Speaker 01 Oh, my god. So she really did it, or it happened?
37:00 Speaker 03 It happened.
37:01 Speaker 01 Wow.
37:02 Dax Shepard? Wow, man. You gotta wonder how many times that's happened.
37:06 Speaker 01 No wonder she's on drugs.
37:09 Dax Shepard? Chicken or the egg, though.
37:10 Speaker 01 This is the situation.
37:10 Dax Shepard? If you're sober, you might not end up in this situation.
37:13 Speaker 03 Yeah, well, I feel like it's mental health mixed with the drugs never leads to great situations.
37:18 Speaker 01 All this is bruh.
37:19 Dax Shepard? Oh, wow.
37:20 Speaker 01 The idea of a gun going off in my body.
37:26 Dax Shepard? But now added to while you're orgasming.
37:28 Speaker 01 I mean, that part seems interesting.
37:31 Speaker 03 Yeah, I mean, if she got there, who knows?
37:33 Speaker 01 Oh, my god.
37:35 Dax Shepard? Taylor, what a story.
37:36 Speaker 01 That's a story.
37:36 Speaker 03 Is this a moment where I get to fangirl a little bit?
37:38 Dax Shepard? Yes, yes, yes, yes.
37:40 Speaker 03 I have been listening to you guys for a very long time. I accidentally found you just on my phone's podcast. I just needed something else besides music to listen to with my kids. Another armchair put it as you were the soundtrack to their life and I love that. That rang true.
37:53 Dax Shepard? Oh.
37:54 Speaker 01 That's really nice.
37:55 Speaker 03 And I have to give a quick shout out to my children. They've become quite some big armchairs. My 10 year old daughter, she's obsessed with Armchair Anonymous specifically. That's all she'll listen to in the car. Is it appropriate for a 10 year old? I don't know, but you know what? We're learning a lot about life together.
38:09 Speaker 01 That's right.
38:10 Speaker 03 And it's a lot of fun.
38:12 Speaker 01 Life is complicated. They need to learn.
38:14 Speaker 03 This is real life stuff, right? She's either gonna learn it on the playground. She's gonna learn it from you guys.
38:20 Dax Shepard? They're learning about the world they live in. And I don't think that can be a bad thing.
38:23 Speaker 01 Essentially a playground as well.
38:24 Dax Shepard? You must understand from our point of view, we hear that so often. We don't ever hear that their kids want to listen to the other two shows that are educational and heartwarming. And my own kids are not interested in Monday or Wednesday at all, but they love.
38:36 Speaker 01 I get it. It's more fun.
38:37 Dax Shepard? Wait till I tell them someone shot their vagina tonight at dinner.
38:41 Speaker 03 Yeah, just wait. And my seven year old son, he enjoys it as well. He actually has a suggestion for a prompt. He's obsessed with anything and everything military. So I don't know if a military prompt could be appropriate or not.
38:55 Dax Shepard? I think that'd be great.
38:56 Speaker 03 And a quick shout out to my friend Val. I turned her into an armchair. She's obsessed with anonymous. She's almost through all of them. And then she's gonna start over on just Armchair Expert.
39:05 Speaker 01 Wow.
39:05 Speaker 03 Work her way through.
39:06 Dax Shepard? She's got her work cut out.
39:09 Speaker 03 She's loving it.
39:10 Dax Shepard? Oh, wonderful.
39:11 Speaker 01 People for us.
39:12 Speaker 03 Oh, all the time. You guys are lovingly referred to as my podcast at home. Like if I'm talking to family and friends, it's just, oh, on my podcast, this and that.
39:21 Speaker 01 Oh, we appreciate you.
39:23 Speaker 03 Thank you. You too.
39:24 Dax Shepard? Take care.
39:26 Speaker 05 Hello.
39:27 Dax Shepard? Mike, hello. Your little screen that comes up first had the most amount of letters I've ever seen in someone's kind of description.
39:34 Speaker 05 Yeah, that was unintentional.
39:38 Speaker 05 Just stuck on there from past Zoom meetings.
39:40 Dax Shepard? Are you in the medical industry?
39:42 Speaker 05 I am, yes.
39:44 Dax Shepard? Okay, cuz you have kind of a medical looking name badge on.
39:47 Speaker 05 I'm a doctor, but first I'll tell the story and then we'll kind of go into a little bit about what kind of doctor I am.
39:53 Speaker 01 Man, what a day. This is the sixth time I get to ask, have you watched The Pit?
39:57 Speaker 05 Oh, I love The Pit.
39:59 Dax Shepard? Okay, hit us with this story and then we'll learn what kind of doctor you are.
40:03 Speaker 05 This story goes back to medical school in 2012. First of all, I'm Colin from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
40:10 Dax Shepard? Oh, Marquette.
40:12 Speaker 05 Yep, but this story took place in Kirksville, Missouri, which is a little town. And that's where my medical school was. One of the great joys of medical school is cadaver lab. At our school, we got to start with a full human. Over the course of a year, we take that person from a fully formed person down to bones.
40:35 Dax Shepard? Wow.
40:37 Speaker 05 Which is a really cool and really weird experience simultaneously, but it's just a lot of fun. They call it our first patient. And so you learn a lot from your first patient, but stuff does get a little wild in the cadaver lab. It's just an interesting place.
40:53 Dax Shepard? Yeah, there's a corpse in front of you.
40:55 Speaker 05 In our room, there were 28 corpses. There's six medical students at each table. And so what we would do is every day we had basically an objective. We have to show X, Y, or Z, whether it's nerves or bones or muscles, that type of thing. So this day was probably about a month into medical school. We were working on the arms and our team was scraping the fat off of the arm. We had an elderly gentleman who had quite a bit of subcutaneous fat. So it's like everything gets soaked and it's kind of like an olive oil kind of feeling. And then you've got all the formaldehyde. And so we're in the process of doing this. I'm scraping this fat off and I'm talking with my teammates.
41:39 Speaker 05 And a piece of fat, probably about the size of a kidney bean, flew off of the cadaver's arm into my open mouth.
41:50 Speaker 01 No, no, no. Oh my God, I gotta go, I gotta go.
41:59 Speaker 05 I immediately froze and I just went, ah! And I ripped off my gloves and literally everybody in my medical school class just turned and looked right at me. The room got dead silent and I just yelled, I've gotta go to the bathroom.
42:18 Speaker 01 Oh my God.
42:20 Speaker 05 I rushed out of the anatomy lab room and just stood. Over the toilet gagging for several minutes. You know, washed my mouth out with as much water as I could.
42:32 Speaker 01 Not enough water in the whole world.
42:33 Dax Shepard? I'm telling you, nothing in this show has gotten me close to vomiting thus far. And we've heard some crazy stuff, but I was a little bit like, oh my God. I mean, that's a horrifying thought. Bit of a corpse in your mouth.
42:46 Speaker 01 Fat, not even.
42:48 Dax Shepard? I know, it's not even muscle.
42:50 Speaker 05 It's not pleasant. I came back in the room and everybody's looking at me. One of our professors was like, did what we think just happened just happened? And I was like, yes, it did. You know, the rest of the day, having that taste in my mouth was not pleasant.
43:06 Dax Shepard? Oh, oh, fuck. Are you a pathologist?
43:09 Speaker 05 I'm actually an addiction medicine doctor.
43:12 Dax Shepard? Oh, really?
43:13 Speaker 01 Love that.
43:13 Speaker 05 It's so great that I got to talk to you because you guys played a big role in me choosing to go for my addiction medicine board certification. I was in the process of trying to chart my career at the beginning of the pandemic. And one of the things that I point to that had a big impact on me was the seven days episode. I'm just so grateful to you guys for sharing that and your honesty. And whenever I have residents or med students working with me, I give them a list of media. That episode is one of the things that I recommend to people.
43:45 Dax Shepard? Oh, thank you, brother.
43:47 Speaker 01 That's so nice.
43:48 Dax Shepard? Thank you. What do we think about GLP-1s? Is that a conversation that's in the mix in your field right now? Is there any curiosity or excitement around that?
43:58 Speaker 05 I've heard a couple talks on it at the American Society of Addiction Medicine. There's a lot of promise simply because it's hard to get insurance to pay for it. And there's been shortages and it would be off label. I'm not using it yet, but I do have some people who have diabetes. And alcohol use that I'm using it for. It's definitely part of the conversation. And I think it's going to be a great tool in our toolbox in the future.
44:23 Dax Shepard? It's kind of exciting. I'm optimistic and fingers crossed for people who are struggling and newly into it. Just to be very clear, I have no fantasies about going on a GLP one and trying to resume drinking responsibly. Just to put everyone's potential fear at ease. But I am very excited for the people who are currently struggling.
44:40 Speaker 05 Yeah, any tool that we have, because as we know, there's not a lot of great options for people. Anything we can do to give people ammunition in finding sobriety is going to be awesome.
44:49 Dax Shepard? Yeah, well, listen, I'm so happy, Mike, that you've chosen this career. I think we need bright people that are passionate about it. And I'm really happy you found your way there.
44:57 Speaker 01 Yeah, thank you.
44:58 Speaker 05 Yeah, thanks. Well, you guys have a wonderful day.
45:01 Dax Shepard? You too, brother. Take care. Thanks so much.
45:04 Speaker 01 Those were great.
45:05 Dax Shepard? Yeah, boy, piece of dead person fat.
45:09 Speaker 01 Dead fat.
45:10 Dax Shepard? Ooh, let's eat lunch.
45:11 Speaker 01 Ew.
45:12 Dax Shepard? Love you.
45:16 Dax Shepard? Do you want to sing a tune or something? I want a theme song. Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fire, Rhyme Dish. On the fire, Rhyme Dish. Enjoy.
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