Pod Insights Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard Armchair Anonymous: Holiday Nightmare II About this episode Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about a nightmare holiday experience.
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Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Dax Shepard? Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Buck Rogers and I'm joined by Monica Lightyear. What would the holidays be without crazy holiday stories on Armchair Anonymous?
0:10 Speaker 01 People got them.
0:11 Dax Shepard? They got them. They're gonna keep coming. These are great. Hopefully they'll get you in the mood. Let me just quickly glance to make sure no, no animals have died prematurely. No, that's fine. Yeah, I think we're good here.
0:22 Speaker 01 We're good.
0:23 Dax Shepard? Yeah, go into the holidays strong with crazy holiday stories. We get support from Quince.
0:30 Speaker 01 Okay, can we talk about the fact that the holidays are already here? It's crazy. I feel like I blinked and now we're in gifting season, which I'm not really mad about because I do love giving gifts. And Quince is making it so easy to find something great for everyone on my list, including myself, because let's be honest, self-gifting is a love language.
0:49 Dax Shepard? Quince is seriously the gift that keeps on giving. Their high-quality staples are made with premium materials like 100% Mongolian cashmere, 14-karat gold, and Italian leather. Full-on luxury quality at prices that won't wreck your holiday budget.
1:05 Speaker 01 It's the dream. The cashmere sweater, starting at $60, down jackets, wool outerwear, cashmere accessories. You and everyone on your list are staying cozy and looking incredible all season long.
1:16 Dax Shepard? Well, I'm gonna tell you this, it just got chilly for the first time this year in California, and I'm so excited, and I'm wearing my Quince cashmere right now.
1:23 Speaker 01 It's great.
1:24 Dax Shepard? Yeah, and I am going to gift this to some of my friends. I hope they're not listening.
1:28 Speaker 01 Quince is also more than clothing. They've got fine jewelry for your significant other, leather bags for your bestie, hotel-quality bedding to set up your guest rooms, chef-grade cookware. That's an amazing thing they offer here, and it's such a good gift because people don't like buying cookware for themselves, but it's very important. And they also have five-star luggage, another good gift that people don't like buying for themselves.
1:51 Dax Shepard? Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. This episode is brought to you by McDonald's. The Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Medium Fries and a Drink is now $8. Okay, I need to talk about something that doesn't get enough respect. The Quarter Pounder with Cheese. This is not a casual burger. This is a crafted burger. We're talking 100% fresh beef cooked right when you order it.
2:34 Dax Shepard? No artificial flavors, no fillers, no preservatives, just beef doing what beef is supposed to do. And here's a detail I love. There's a cowbell sound in the kitchen. When somebody orders a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a cowbell goes off and the Grill Master throws a fresh patty down. That's like having your own entrance music at McDonald's. I want a cowbell for everything in life. The onions are hand topped by someone who just knows the right amount. Two slices of cheese laid out in a star pattern. So every single bite gets cheese and two pickles side by side. So you're never in a pickle desert. Every bite is accounted for. Someone engineered this thing with love. I love a Quarter Pounder.
3:13 Speaker 01 Me too. That's my order is a Quarter Pounder with cheese. I love it. I didn't know they put so much effort that they did a star formation. I should have known because you can taste it when there's effort.
3:25 Dax Shepard? Yeah, the love. Don't tell anyone this, but I'll put two of them back in one sitting.
3:29 Speaker 01 I'm not surprised.
3:31 Dax Shepard? The Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Fries and a Drink now $8 for a limited time only, only at McDonald's. For a limited time only, prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska and California and for delivery. Fresh beef not available in Alaska and Hawaii. Offer not valid for delivery.
4:08 Speaker 01 Hi.
4:09 Dax Shepard? Hi Tracy, nice to meet you.
4:11 Speaker 02 Nice to meet you both as well. Well, thanks for taking my story. When you guys started Armchair Anonymous, I was like, man, I got a story.
4:20 Speaker 01 Oh, I'm so excited.
4:23 Speaker 02 So this is a Christmas story that happened about 20 years ago on Christmas Eve.
4:29 Speaker 01 Okay.
4:29 Dax Shepard? Okay, 2004.
4:31 Speaker 02 Yeah, so our children at the time, Daniel, he would have been about 13 and Abby would have been about eight.
4:39 Dax Shepard? Hold on a second, you do not look nearly old enough to have had a 13 year old in 2004.
4:44 Speaker 02 I will be 56 tomorrow.
4:46 Speaker 01 Nice, also happy birthday.
4:49 Speaker 02 Thank you.
4:50 Dax Shepard? Also, you're looking very foxy.
4:53 Speaker 01 Yeah, you're aging very gracefully.
4:55 Speaker 02 I'm having about 100 hot flashes now because I'm a bit nervous.
4:59 Dax Shepard? Okay, that's all right.
5:00 Speaker 02 As the mom, the head shopper, my goal every Christmas when the kids were younger was to really have a great day. And it's not just about gifts, but a lot of it is about the gifts.
5:13 Dax Shepard? They never hurt.
5:14 Speaker 01 It's a big deal.
5:14 Speaker 02 Yeah, and it's not about the quantity, it's just about making sure that they're getting what they put on their Santa list. So I'm in sales and at Christmas time, I'm super busy, so I always try to get everything done before we get into December. And I think it was like December 3rd, I hauled everything out and was going through everything. And we have to have the same amount per kid. The Christmas spirit is happening in that bedroom as well, as you get my drift here. So I'm making everything fits in the stockings appropriately. And I'm making lists, okay. Abby's done, Daniel needs a couple of things, and it's getting late, it's 12:30. So I tie everything up to make sure that I know where it is.
5:57 Speaker 02 And went down two flights of stairs and we have this crawl space that no one goes in because we're frightened to death of the crawl space.
6:03 Dax Shepard? Nothing's scarier than a crawl space.
6:05 Speaker 02 Oh yeah, it's terrible. I threw them down over the stairs and I went, oh, no one's going down here tomorrow. I'll put it in the crawl space when the kids go to school. So let's go ahead to Christmas Eve that year. And we're having a great day, visiting family, and I'm having some wine. Shawn's driving, mom is partaking.
6:24 Speaker 01 Fantastic.
6:25 Speaker 02 Nothing serious, just having a couple of drinks. And we said, okay, it's time to go home and get the kids straightened away and read our stories and do our traditions. And myself and my husband Shawn, we sit on the couch and it's actually a unbelievably beautiful evening. The snowflakes are coming down. We're just getting ready to have a cocktail.
6:44 Speaker 01 Oh.
6:45 Dax Shepard? This is the dream.
6:46 Speaker 02 This is not the norm. Usually it's just a gang show. And I'm a stress bag. Is everything okay? I gotta cook a turkey tomorrow. Was that out? He looked at me and said, you are doing so good. I said, I know. This is great. So it's getting late. It's about tenish. And I said, let's get everything organized for under the tree. So that's done and then we can just relax for an hour before we go to bed. He said, all right, I'm going downstairs and getting everything. So I'm looking out the window and life is perfect and I'm just so happy with my family. And I could hear him open up the crawl space. Then I heard him close the crawl space. And he opened the other crawl space. And when he opened the second crawl space and closed it and he went over to the third one, I just kind of like perked up.
7:31 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah.
7:31 Speaker 02 And he called out, he said, Trace, where are the gifts? And I was like, they're in the same place they always are.
7:38 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
7:38 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
7:39 Speaker 02 And I started to go downstairs and at that point, tent is thrown out, Coleman stoves. Every piece of hockey equipment Daniel owned. Every old toy that the kids had from growing up that you just throw in the back of that. Things are going everywhere and I'm like, what the actual is going on here?
7:58 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
7:58 Speaker 02 I said, it's right there. I know. No one opens this door. The kids don't look there because they're terrified of it. He's in the other crawl space. Then he's out in the garage and the garage door is opening and closing. We're not giving into the panic, but it's just on the surface. And we start to go back to the night that I did all the gifts. And we realized when I threw them down over the stairs, the next day was garbage day.
8:25 Dax Shepard? Oh.
8:27 Speaker 01 No.
8:28 Dax Shepard? Oh, no.
8:32 Speaker 02 So now it is eleven P M on Christmas Eve.
8:36 Speaker 01 Oh.
8:36 Speaker 02 And I'm just like, oh, yeah, what's open? What's open? What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? And at that point, he actually started to cry. And I was like, oh, no, no, no, no.
8:46 Dax Shepard? I need you.
8:47 Speaker 02 I did the cry.
8:48 Speaker 01 Yeah.
8:49 Speaker 02 He needs to be strong. He was like, I threw the mountain. I said, well, I threw the mountain over the stairs.
8:53 Speaker 01 Oh.
8:55 Speaker 02 I'm thinking I have to get up in the morning.
8:58 Speaker 01 Holy shit.
8:58 Speaker 02 And tell those two little children, one who is the big believer of the Christmas spirit.
9:03 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
9:04 Speaker 02 That their parents are idiots and there is no Santa.
9:07 Dax Shepard? And we chucked all your presents. We had gotten you all the stuff you wanted.
9:11 Speaker 02 Yeah.
9:11 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
9:13 Speaker 02 Listen, and people have really bad shit going on in their lives. I'm gonna tell you, this was the worst feeling I had in my life up to that point.
9:20 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
9:20 Speaker 02 I got a bit of a hangover starting on top of it. I got a headache. I am crying. Sean's freaking out. We're just like, we are the worst parents. And then Abby wakes up and goes, what's going on? My Santa's here and you guys are awake. And I'm like, just go back to sleep. And there's no cell phone, so I'm not texting my girlfriend and going, help. It's getting late. I called my mom. My mom had just been recently retired, so she would like tinker around in stores, not little gift shops and secondhand stores. She said, okay, I'm on my way. And she brought this box. I mean, I looked in it and there was comics from nineteen eighty-two.
9:58 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
10:00 Dax Shepard? Okay, that'll do.
10:01 Speaker 02 Sean's sister and husband and two kids were living overseas in Qatar, and they were home for Christmas. And she's really super organized, so I knew she'd have some stuff in a tickle trunk somewhere.
10:11 Dax Shepard? Sure.
10:12 Speaker 02 She said, I got goodies, we're gonna come over. And it's getting so late and we took all the stuff they had and started poking it in stockings and unwrapping stuff. And there was gifts that Sean's family, they live in Calgary, they sent to us. And I started unwrapping those, saying, could we use some of this?
10:29 Dax Shepard? Desperate times.
10:30 Speaker 02 Yeah. So now it's two o'clock in the morning. I am a broken, destroyed human.
10:38 Dax Shepard? Yeah, you wrapped up a bunch of bullshit.
10:42 Speaker 02 We just go to bed, Sean goes, I don't know, this is gonna be bad. I'm like, we are idiots. Couple hours later, Abby wakes up and she's super excited. She has no idea what's going on. And she goes into Daniel's room, gets him up. The rules are you're not allowed to go downstairs. Mom and dad have to go down, get the video camera going like it's the old fashioned video camera. There's no phones.
11:03 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
11:04 Speaker 02 Me and Sean aren't even speaking to each other. We're just looking around going, this is so bad. Come downstairs and they start going through their stuff. And because Daniel, I still had to get him a couple of things. He did okay.
11:18 Dax Shepard? He liked the 10 year old comic books.
11:22 Speaker 01 These are vintage.
11:24 Speaker 02 Sean's sister Trudy had a camera with an S D card. That was a gift he wanted. And at the time, this is when brand names like Nike and West 49, the skateboard clothes was good. And it was expensive and he had asked for this specific sweatshirt wasn't there. Anyway, Abby's going through her stocking. So she's this little eight year old girl that the spirit of Christmas is alive and well inside of her. And she's digging her hands into everything and everything she takes out, she looks at it with this little look on her face like, what did Santa bring me? And then smile, lays it down and she goes through everything.
12:05 Speaker 02 She takes out the comic books, covers off it. I'm like, how did I put that one in there? 1979, I'm sure. And she's just like, oh, wow.
12:16 Speaker 02 I am just shell shocked.
12:27 Dax Shepard? We get support from no bull. The holidays can get hectic. You finally hit a post summer routine and suddenly you're on hosting duty every week.
12:37 Speaker 01 That's when you really need to ground yourself.
12:39 Dax Shepard? Exactly. And that's why I keep my training routine through the holidays. It's the whole no bull idea. There's a no bullshit training brand built around consistency, honesty, and just putting in the work. It's not about adding more pressure to an already packed schedule. It's about having the gear and the habits to move through the season your way. My personal favorite, all three of the shoes are fantastic. The Outwork, the Outwork Flex and the Drive Two. I like the Drive Two because it's a hybrid and I lift, of course, but I also like to do what's called box jumps. Right? I do a lot of jumping onto a little platform and I want a little more flexibility. And boy, do they deliver.
13:16 Speaker 01 And if you're a cardio person and you're running and you also need to be lifting.
13:20 Dax Shepard? And the style is banging. I don't know what to say. Beautiful style, very breathable, very, very comfortable, lots of support. They were built for lifting.
13:28 Speaker 01 They also make a great holiday gift. You know, I love gifting, a purposeful one that actually supports someone's goals and routines. And it's not a gift that just ends up in the back of the closet.
13:37 Dax Shepard? Stay stronger than the season. Head to nobolproject.com all holiday season to shop new deals every week. This episode is supported by Helix.
13:49 Speaker 01 Okay. Can we talk about how November is basically survival mode? Between the holidays, the travel, the hosting, the cooking, the everything. Sleep is the one thing keeping me from completely unraveling.
13:59 Dax Shepard? It really is the foundation and I think people underestimate how much a bad mattress is quietly ruining their day. You wake up stiff, your back's angry, you're already behind before your feet hit the floor.
14:10 Speaker 01 That was me before Helix. I took their sleep quiz, which is so fast. It took me like two minutes and they matched me to a mattress that actually fits how I sleep. Not a guess, not a firm or soft coin flip. It's a real match. I have a midnight mattress and I really like it. I was noticing it because I actually had to sleep in one of my other beds.
14:28 Dax Shepard? Okay.
14:28 Speaker 01 Recently.
14:29 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
14:29 Speaker 01 That doesn't have a Helix mattress on it and I really could tell a big difference in my sleep.
14:33 Dax Shepard? Temperature was all over the map.
14:34 Speaker 01 It was a mess. I need a new one.
14:36 Dax Shepard? Look, they've got over 20 mattress models. So whether you sleep hot, need extra back support, or you've got a partner who moves around all night, there's one built for you. Plus free shipping and a 365 night happy with Helix guarantee. That's a full year to decide.
14:51 Speaker 01 Helix has been named the most awarded mattress by Forbes, Wired and more. So it's not just us being enthusiastic, the experts agree.
14:57 Dax Shepard? Right now, Helix is running their Black Friday sale with up to 30% off. Go to helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. That's helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. Helixsleep.com/armchair.
15:15 Dax Shepard? We get support from Skims. Okay, I have a confession. I genuinely love matching pajamas. It's the best part of Christmas morning, really. Everyone in the same matching set, looking ridiculously cute in front of the tree.
15:30 Speaker 01 I love matching pajamas. I'm literally going to be in coordinating sets with all my friends this holiday season. Because I got them, spoiler to my friends who are listening. The same Skims pajama set I've been living in. They are so soft and cozy and they look cute. So you can leave the house and go get a late night hot chocolate and be cozy.
15:51 Dax Shepard? It's so great how Skims has sets for everyone, too. Women's, men's, kids, even your pets. So nobody in your life has to be left out this year.
16:00 Speaker 01 I have a bunch of different pajama sets. One of my favorite is the organic cotton sleep long sleeve set.
16:07 Dax Shepard? Okay, tell me more.
16:09 Speaker 01 It is so comfortable, very chic, too. The top is a button down, but very, very soft, easy to sleep in. But as I said before, you can multi-purpose this and look super cute.
16:20 Dax Shepard? Hot chocolate runs. It's like the pajamas we grew up in, except without the scratchy polyester that made opening presents feel more like a hot yoga class that nobody signed up for.
16:30 Speaker 01 All the nostalgia, none of the discomfort. Shop my favorite loungewear and pajamas at skims.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you. Select podcasts in the survey and be sure to select Armchair Expert in the drop down menu that follows. If you're looking for the perfect gifts for everyone on your list, the Skims Holiday Shop is now open at skims.com.
16:49 Dax Shepard? We get support from our sponsor, Lily. For adults with obesity or with excess weight and weight-related medical problems, it's time to find out about Foundo or for Glee Pro. Foundo is a once daily prescription GLP-1 medicine used with a reduced calorie diet and increased physical activity to help adults with obesity or some adults with overweight who also have weight-related medical problems to lose excess body weight and keep the weight off.
17:14 Speaker 03 Foundao should not be used with other GLP-1 receptor agonist medicines. It is not known if Foundao is safe and effective for use in children. Don't take Foundao if you're allergic to it, or if you or someone in your family had majorary thyroid cancer or multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2. Stop and call your doctor right away if you have an allergic reaction, a lump or swelling in your neck, or severe stomach pain. Serious side effects may include inflamed pancreas and gallbladder problems. Tell your doctor if you experience vision changes, if you're nursing, pregnant, plant to be, or taking birth control pills, and before scheduled procedures with anesthesia. Taking Foundao with an insulin or sulfonylurea may cause low blood sugar. Side effects include diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting, which can cause dehydration and may cause kidney problems. Once Daily Foundao is available by prescription only
17:56 Speaker 03 in 0.8mg, 2.5mg, 5.5mg, 9mg, 14.5mg, and 17.2mg tablets. Learn more at foundao.lily.com or call 1-800-LILY-RX. Now is perfect to talk to your doctor about Foundao.
18:19 Speaker 02 At the bottom of the stocking, she hauls out this little clear cylinder package, and it's all filled with gold, like gold chains. I don't know what it is. And she goes, "Mommy, what is this?" I said, "Let's just open this up." So we open up. I don't know what it is. As it opens up, it unfolds into like a Cleopatra costume headdress.
18:43 Dax Shepard? Oh, fun. That's great. It's like a chainmail hat.
18:47 Speaker 02 Absolutely. So I put it on her little face. Some of her teeth are adult teeth, some are little baby teeth. She's got this weird old crooked smile. She puts this thing on. It goes over one eye. And she looks at me and she goes, "Mommy." And my princess. And I remember thinking, "That sweet little child does not care."
19:09 Speaker 01 Yeah. She doesn't know. Yeah.
19:12 Dax Shepard? She likes that she was thought of by Santa, yeah.
19:15 Speaker 01 Yeah.
19:15 Speaker 02 And I just remember looking at her and my heart just soared. And I went, "Baby, it is beautiful. You are Santa's little princess. This is gorgeous." And just thinking, "Oh, my goodness, did we pull this?" Anyway, I took Daniel aside. He was older. And I said, "Buddy, I am so sorry." He said, "Mom, I got everything I wanted. This is great." And we kind of just went, oh my goodness, we pulled this off.
19:46 Speaker 02 Daniel knew, but he kind of just parked it in his memory. And quite a few years later, I've said to the kids, do you not remember that crazy Christmas? And they were no, no idea.
19:56 Speaker 01 That's hard.
19:56 Dax Shepard? That kind of is, that's informative. Maybe we put too much effort into it. Just wrap shit up, dump it under the tree.
20:03 Speaker 02 It was the worst feeling ever. I thought I'm going to get up in the morning and tell that sweet little eight year old that there's no Santa. And that crushed me.
20:16 Speaker 01 Okay. I think this is what I would have done. I would have written a note from Santa. And it would have said something along the lines of Santa couldn't make it everywhere this year. And so he's coming back in a couple of days.
20:29 Dax Shepard? Okay. All right.
20:31 Speaker 01 And in the meantime, the elves dropped off some trinkets, but the real presents are coming in a couple of days because he got in over his head.
20:38 Dax Shepard? Okay. So you drove Santa under the bus.
20:41 Speaker 01 Of course.
20:41 Dax Shepard? Yeah. Okay. That's what he's there for.
20:43 Speaker 02 We ended up, once everything opened up, we took the kids shopping.
20:46 Dax Shepard? Let them pick out what they wanted.
20:48 Speaker 01 Shopping spree.
20:49 Speaker 02 Have fun.
20:50 Dax Shepard? Yes. People get cancer diagnoses. Those are worse. But when you have just spent this much time getting the gifts, then wrapping them, then putting them perfectly in the thing, there's a lot that's going wrong at once. You've wasted all that time, all that money. And then you have Christmas morning coming. So there's a lot there to be frustrated with. Third option, I would have just gone cash. Okay. Santa brought cash this year. He wanted you to know you're old enough to go shopping, like made a whole thing about that. Just spent like in a pinch.
21:19 Speaker 01 But you also want them to be opening the stuff.
21:21 Dax Shepard? We'll wrap each bill individually.
21:23 Speaker 02 Yes, yes.
21:25 Dax Shepard? Tracy, where in Canada are you? You have the most specific accent and I'm so curious.
21:30 Speaker 02 St. John's, Newfoundland.
21:32 Dax Shepard? I had a weird hunch because it's almost got a hint of Scottish in it, doesn't it, Monica?
21:37 Speaker 02 Okay, maybe Irish sometimes.
21:40 Dax Shepard? Yeah. I love that.
21:42 Speaker 02 Beautiful island on the east coast of the country.
21:44 Dax Shepard? And home to the cutest dogs ever.
21:46 Speaker 02 Oh, yes. The Newfoundland dog. They're big.
21:49 Dax Shepard? Big boys.
21:50 Speaker 01 Wow, that was fantastic.
21:51 Dax Shepard? Yes, thank you Tracy and sorry that you guys went through that. I love that the perfect buzz with the snowflakes turned immediately to a hangover. That's kind of my favorite part because I know that moment.
22:02 Speaker 02 Oh, my head almost blew off my shoulder. When the kids were young, I used to always try to have Christmas Day at the house. Didn't want to disrupt them from their stuff. So my family would come over. So my older sister, my younger sister, we're all like little bit glam queens. And they showed up like just superstars. I'm still in an old T-shirt. That's staring down my face and they're like, what the heck is going on with you? I said, you're never going to believe what happened. This is the worst day ever. Well, not the worst day, this was just the worst situation.
22:32 Dax Shepard? We threw out Christmas.
22:35 Speaker 02 Every year for about 10 years after that, at 4:30, I would run and just look for the gifts. Just get my eyes on them.
22:43 Dax Shepard? Sure.
22:43 Speaker 02 Because I knew that everything's closing in about an hour. If they're gone, I can high tail into a Walmart or to a store and just buy something.
22:51 Dax Shepard? Double safety check.
22:52 Speaker 01 It's a good cautionary tale story as well for people.
22:55 Dax Shepard? Sure. Do a few check-ins with those gifts leading up. Well, Tracy, that was a delightful story. Thank you so much for telling us.
23:02 Speaker 02 Oh, thank you for having me. Can I get my husband to come in and say hello?
23:06 Dax Shepard? Sure, of course.
23:07 Speaker 02 He's the guy that helped me throw out the gifts.
23:11 Dax Shepard? Hello, Sean.
23:12 Speaker 04 In my defense, they were in green garbage bag.
23:15 Speaker 01 That's fair. How would you have known?
23:18 Dax Shepard? You were being a very nice gentleman and taking the trash out. This is not on you. It's not on Tracy, but it is on Tracy.
23:23 Speaker 01 No, it's not.
23:26 Speaker 02 My girlfriends were trying to blame him. I said, no, I threw those down the stairs. I should have tucked them away. The green garbage bag at the time was the downfall of that evening. That's for sure.
23:38 Speaker 04 It's been a fun story for a long, long time.
23:41 Dax Shepard? Well, it's lovely meeting both of you. Yes, have a great holiday.
23:45 Speaker 02 You as well. Thanks so much, guys.
23:46 Dax Shepard? All right, bye bye. Yeah, they have like almost Irish accents. Yeah. They do too. All right, let's talk to Lori. Hi, is this Lori?
23:56 Speaker 05 This is Lori.
23:57 Dax Shepard? Hi, Dax, Monica, nice to meet you. Are you in your office?
24:00 Speaker 05 I am.
24:01 Dax Shepard? And what's your university poster I see?
24:03 Speaker 05 That is Ohio University in Athens, Ohio. So I'm a proud graduate of OU. Currently I'm living outside of Cincinnati.
24:13 Dax Shepard? In Ohio still, not in Kentucky.
24:15 Speaker 05 I actually do live in Northern Kentucky, but I work in Cincinnati, right across the river. So I have a very nice view of the Cincinnati skyline.
24:23 Dax Shepard? Oh, beautiful. And that's the home of Josh Hutcherson. Do you know that actor? He's a Northern Kentucky boy.
24:28 Speaker 05 Yes, he is.
24:29 Dax Shepard? Okay, so you have a crazy holiday story.
24:32 Speaker 05 I do have a crazy holiday story. This happened in Cincinnati as well in 2008, 2009. Some history on me. I had lost my mom about two years prior to that. Very young, she was 52. And I was just going through a lot, grieving, probably self medicating with food and alcohol.
24:50 Dax Shepard? Sure.
24:51 Speaker 05 Just letting myself go a little bit. So I decided to join a gym. And gyms kind of entombedated me a little bit. So I chose a place, I won't name any names, but it's known primarily for focusing on being for women only. They were primarily targeted at the older crowd. I mean, I'm 30 at this point. Most of the women who were going to this gym were 20 to 30 years older than me. It was a good start for me to get back into working out. I also got to talk to people who were my mom's age, have some maternal healing there, and actually just talk to other women who had lost their mother.
25:27 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
25:27 Speaker 05 I was the only one at that time in my friend group because I was so young and she was so young. So we really didn't have anyone to relate to, you know, mess of different ladies. And we started hanging out outside the gym, having dinner, going for a drink, going art fairs, craft fairs.
25:41 Dax Shepard? Yeah, I feel like that would be a good crowd to stumble into. They're like older gals who are making an effort to stay healthy. They're probably engaged in a lot of ways in life.
25:50 Speaker 05 Yes, it was very good. It was what I needed at that point. And realizing that everybody is going through different things. And grief doesn't have a timeline.
26:00 Dax Shepard? Right.
26:01 Speaker 05 One of the ladies was having a Christmas party. We were doing a white elephant gift exchange. They specifically said, bring something that's already in your house.
26:10 Dax Shepard? Okay.
26:10 Speaker 05 So that you're not spending any money on anything. So a bunch of us go to the party and we start this gift exchange. With this particular format, you didn't open the gift until everybody had picked and all the gifts were stolen. So really people were doing it based on the shape and the size of the bag or the packaging.
26:31 Dax Shepard? Oh, they were doing stealing before the reveal. That's different.
26:34 Speaker 01 That is interesting. Yeah.
26:35 Dax Shepard? Yeah. If it was heavy, if you could shake it and make noise. So there was probably 20 of us or so.
26:41 Speaker 05 We get through, everybody gets their final gift and then we're going around the room, opening the gifts. They're getting Christmas decorations, they're getting ornaments, they're getting wreaths, they're getting candy, they're getting, you know, just all kinds of different items.
26:56 Dax Shepard? You can say bullshit from other people's houses.
26:58 Speaker 05 Yeah, or things that people have re-gifted. They may have gotten it for Christmas last year.
27:02 Dax Shepard? Sure, sure.
27:03 Speaker 05 Then that gets to me. Then I pull out this item that looks and feels like it's a vase.
27:10 Speaker 01 Uh oh.
27:11 Speaker 05 It's got a cover on the top, but the cover, almost like a paper that's been taped on the top of it.
27:17 Dax Shepard? So maybe used.
27:18 Speaker 01 Yeah, I know what it is.
27:19 Dax Shepard? Yeah, me too.
27:20 Speaker 05 I pull it out, I'm looking at it, I'm trying to figure out what it is and I hear a voice coming from the back. One of the older ladies said, well, I was told to bring something that I already had. And this is my husband. Well, it's my husband's ashes. And he wanted me to spread them in a local park and I just can't bear to do it alone. I couldn't bear to do it at all. So I thought that if I came here.
27:52 Dax Shepard? This is not what I thought it was.
27:53 Speaker 01 Oh, you didn't, I thought.
27:54 Dax Shepard? I thought it was a dildo, for sure. That's what we were going.
27:58 Speaker 01 I knew it was ashes.
27:59 Dax Shepard? You knew it was, who would give someone an obligation?
28:02 Speaker 01 Because death was a part of this story, so it makes sense.
28:06 Dax Shepard? So this is healing, maybe.
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30:12 Dax Shepard? We get support from ZipRecruiter. Oh, get recruiting. So I went down this rabbit hole the other day on real holiday jobs that exist and I couldn't stop. Somebody out there is hiring a ham glazer, a professional ham glazer. Another place is hiring a lead elf, implying a whole hierarchy of elves I had never even considered. Here's the thing, these jobs need real skills. People like that are hard to find. And whether you're hiring for one of these roles or any other role, the best way to find qualified people who are genuinely excited about your role is on ZipRecruiter. And right now you can try it for free at ziprecruiter.com/dax. Plus ZipRecruiter has a new feature that shows you the most interested,
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31:28 Speaker 05 You know, I thought that if I gave it to someone that they could help me, or they could then take the ashes and dispose of them the way that she wanted them to. And I mean, she was very emotional saying this, and I was still sort of in grief state.
31:46 Dax Shepard? Now you have someone else's ashes.
31:48 Speaker 05 Yeah, the whole room was quiet. Like, nobody was saying anything at this point. You know, I was like, okay, Ruby, I'll help you with this. So then, kind of just sat there. And I wasn't the last one to open. So there were still some other gifts that people needed to open. And everyone's done opening the gifts, and we're mingling around again. I was 30, so everyone at that point felt so much older than me.
32:10 Dax Shepard? Yeah, right. If she was 58, you thought she was 70.
32:14 Speaker 05 I feel like she was at least in her 70s. I go over, I give her a big hug, and I said, Ruby, I'm gonna help you with this. We're gonna do this. She may at some point told me what her late husband's name was. I don't remember that. But she's like, we'll do this for him, and we'll make sure his wishes are all met.
32:32 Dax Shepard? We'll get Mark all spread out over the...
32:36 Speaker 05 We're not facing each other. We're hugging. So she's on my shoulder and I hear her and I think that she's crying and she's actually laughing.
32:46 Speaker 01 Uh oh.
32:47 Dax Shepard? Oh, oh.
32:48 Speaker 01 Oh, God.
32:49 Speaker 05 He says, oh, honey, that's not my husband.
32:52 Speaker 01 What?
32:52 Speaker 05 Those ashes are from my outdoor fire pit. And I just thought that this would just make such a funny gift exchange and a fun story to tell.
33:01 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
33:03 Dax Shepard? Oh, it was a prank.
33:04 Speaker 05 A holiday prank.
33:06 Dax Shepard? Oh, wow. But our dead husband.
33:07 Speaker 01 But that's like really sick.
33:10 Dax Shepard? She should write for a really dark comedy sketchbook. Yeah, that's next level.
33:14 Speaker 05 Crazy. It was not what I expected at all. You don't expect to get a base of someone's ashes and then come to find out that it's not a base.
33:22 Speaker 01 Yeah, this is a real roller coaster for you.
33:25 Dax Shepard? Yeah. Did you laugh with relief at that point? Like, oh, thank God, I don't have to spread this.
33:30 Speaker 05 Yes, there was a lot of relief. Grace is hard. So just trying to let people deal with things the way they could.
33:37 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
33:37 Speaker 05 But it was just a very odd situation. And she did end up giving me a candle that she had bought.
33:44 Speaker 01 Jesus.
33:45 Dax Shepard? I admire this woman because when the present was opened, everyone got uncomfortable. And that was an opportunity, if she was losing her resolve, to go like, I'm just kidding. It's from, you know, but she resisted and she let everyone walk away thinking she was nuts. The commitment to this bit is really admirable. We must tip our hat to her.
34:06 Speaker 01 But then what does she get from it?
34:08 Dax Shepard? Her own.
34:09 Speaker 01 The joy of a prank is to then be like, just kidding.
34:13 Dax Shepard? But she was intrinsically motivated, which we would all aim to be. She just knew in her own heart, this is hilarious. They all think this is real.
34:20 Speaker 01 Oh, I guess.
34:20 Dax Shepard? That's next level. That's like Andy Kaufman.
34:22 Speaker 05 And I think she was known to be a prankster. I just didn't know her that well at this point. But probably about 10 years after that, she herself did pass and a few of us from that gym did go to the funeral and we heard a lot of other stories of the different pranks and just funny things that she just tried to do to live. Life and make people laugh and smile, even if it was the dark humor.
34:51 Speaker 01 Wow.
34:52 Dax Shepard? I kinda like her. I would have been friends with her.
34:54 Speaker 01 I like you. I'm very impressed. I know that I would have felt fucked with. Especially if I was in the middle of grief myself and had lost my mom. And then I was having these ashes and I'd be like, oh, I guess I gotta do the right thing, even though I don't want to do this. And I gotta help this other person. And then it was all a lie. I would be so pissed. So I'm impressed.
35:16 Speaker 05 I'm not a super confrontational person, so I was probably just letting it ride out.
35:21 Speaker 01 Yeah. Wow. Interesting.
35:24 Dax Shepard? Baller prank, especially at all ladies, some widow, Christmas party.
35:29 Speaker 01 Yeah.
35:29 Dax Shepard? Yeah. It's something you might expect at a fraternity or the Friars Club.
35:33 Speaker 01 Sure, sure.
35:36 Speaker 05 Right. But it was something I'll never forget. And I have just a silly story from it.
35:41 Dax Shepard? She gave you a gift.
35:42 Speaker 05 Yeah. And now that I've told it to the masses, not something I could do in the future, just try to pull a prank on someone else.
35:49 Dax Shepard? Well, Lori, we're grateful that you told us that. I like that woman. This now past woman.
35:54 Speaker 01 Yeah, rest in peace.
35:55 Dax Shepard? Spunky gal.
35:56 Speaker 05 She was very funky. It was great.
35:59 Dax Shepard? Well, happy holidays to you.
36:00 Speaker 05 Thank you.
36:01 Dax Shepard? I hope you get a legit present this year at, uh, White Elephant.
36:04 Speaker 05 I better.
36:07 Dax Shepard? All right. Take care.
36:10 Dax Shepard? Okay, last one. David, bring us home, David.
36:15 Dax Shepard? Oh, can you hear us now?
36:16 Speaker 06 Hey, how are you?
36:18 Dax Shepard? Wonderful. How are you, David?
36:20 Speaker 06 I tell you what, I'm doing okay. Thank you. You want to know something so bizarre?
36:25 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
36:25 Speaker 06 I have that painting of the Great Dane.
36:27 Dax Shepard? You do not.
36:28 Speaker 01 You have this painting?
36:29 Dax Shepard? You have that exact one?
36:30 Speaker 06 The exact same one.
36:31 Speaker 01 No.
36:31 Dax Shepard? How did you discover yours?
36:33 Speaker 06 My mom.
36:34 Dax Shepard? Oh.
36:34 Speaker 01 Wow.
36:35 Speaker 06 I had a house for a long time with nothing on the walls and she's like, here's a Great Dane and it's the exact same one.
36:41 Speaker 01 Oh, my God. Is it a famous painting?
36:44 Speaker 06 Well, it is because the two of us.
36:47 Speaker 06 I would probably get some stock in it if I could.
36:50 Dax Shepard? Yeah. So David, I had moved into a house. It was completely empty. I didn't know what to do. I just started surfing. Around the internet, looking at images I could order and I stumbled upon this one. I'm like, I love that great day. And I have another one that matches and it's a whip it.
37:03 Speaker 06 Oh yeah, that's frisbee dogs.
37:05 Dax Shepard? Sure, sure. They're lightning fast. Where are you at, David?
37:09 Speaker 06 I live in Gilbert, Arizona.
37:10 Dax Shepard? Where's that?
37:11 Speaker 06 Just outside of Phoenix, but I'm originally from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
37:14 Dax Shepard? Okay, very similar vibes to Detroit.
37:17 Speaker 06 Yeah, very much. I think we did a little bit better in the Rust Belt, but hey, what can you do?
37:22 Dax Shepard? Both heavy industry towns with a lot of drinking.
37:24 Speaker 06 You got that right. Funny you say that.
37:27 Speaker 01 Oh, ding ding ding.
37:29 Speaker 06 It's what this story is about.
37:31 Dax Shepard? Okay, wonderful. Please tell us about it.
37:33 Speaker 06 This is a long time ago, eighty nine to ninety one, not even sure if I remember, but on New Year's Day, there's the Polar Bear Club. And my friend Billy had a house with an in-ground pool, so he had a party every year. If you can see.
37:50 Dax Shepard? Oh, lovely. Right. So he chopped a little hole by the ladder.
37:55 Speaker 06 So you hop in, swim to the wall and back and out.
37:57 Speaker 01 Oh, God.
37:59 Speaker 06 A bunch of us did this and kept going back inside, drinking a lot of tequila, a lot of Sierra Nevada pale ale in a keg back then.
38:08 Dax Shepard? Oh.
38:09 Speaker 06 Which was like unheard of, especially in Pittsburgh.
38:11 Dax Shepard? That's an expensive keg.
38:13 Speaker 06 We had to special order it in. But anyway, got his fireplace going. We're having a great time. We decide, hey, let's go do it again. Hop back in, we're having a blast. We come back in, drink more tequila, throw more firewood in the fireplace. Then the next thing you know, there's smoke pouring into the house.
38:31 Dax Shepard? Oh.
38:31 Speaker 06 We don't know what is going on, but there's about twelve drunk guys. I mean, really a mess, obliterated, drinking this much tequila and beer. Have no clue what is happening. So anyway, we end up trying to get people out of the house. And of course, you know, I'm bulletproof at twenty two years old, so I pull the attic open, figure that's gotta be where the fire is.
38:56 Dax Shepard? Okay.
38:57 Speaker 06 So I peek up in there and then the whole roof just starts to go in blaze.
39:01 Speaker 01 Oh, God.
39:02 Dax Shepard? Oh, okay.
39:03 Speaker 06 So we get everybody out of the house, you know, other than the house burning, everything seems to be okay, but it doesn't stop there. My friend Billy, whose house it is. Now, back then, he had a Nissan Pathfinder. So Billy said to me, please move my Nissan Pathfinder. So sure, I go out there, put the key in the lock and it snaps off. So not only did his house burn down, but the Pathfinder melted along with the house.
39:32 Speaker 01 Oh my God. Wait, what hap- did the fire, it was just from the fireplace?
39:38 Dax Shepard? I think they put too much wo- you tell me, do we know postmortem what happened?
39:43 Speaker 06 Well, yeah, we put too much wood in, but he barely ever used his fireplace and there were cracks in the flue up top. So the sparks were going up and going out through the attic. Yeah.
39:56 Speaker 01 Holy shit.
39:58 Speaker 06 All the fire trucks show up. Everybody's outside. I see the fire chief suburban and I just crawled into the backseat and took a nap.
40:06 Dax Shepard? Oh, went straight to sleep.
40:09 Speaker 06 I am done.
40:10 Speaker 01 Wow, wow.
40:12 Speaker 06 So the last thing I remembered was the fire chief waking me up saying, hey, you can go back in the house. All that was left was the two brick walls on the side.
40:22 Dax Shepard? Oh geez. Oh fuck. It burnt all the way down.
40:26 Speaker 06 All the way down.
40:27 Speaker 01 Oh.
40:28 Speaker 06 He did rebuild. Every year after that, he had the burn the mother to the ground party.
40:33 Dax Shepard? Oh my God, is he alive still?
40:35 Speaker 06 No, you know what? Sadly, he passed away from alcoholism addiction.
40:40 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
40:41 Speaker 06 Years ago.
40:42 Dax Shepard? Yeah. And what's your journey? What had happened with your drinking?
40:46 Speaker 06 I'm very moderate. You know, I like a beer now and then, a glass of wine now and then, but that's it.
40:51 Dax Shepard? I can really relate to the scene you were at. I was at a lot of those scenes.
40:56 Speaker 06 Oh God, yeah. It was just incredible. When I saw that you guys wanted stories about winter holidays. I figured she can't even look.
41:06 Speaker 01 I mean, the whole house burning down and the car melting.
41:10 Dax Shepard? That was a hot car in the day, the Pathfinder.
41:12 Speaker 06 Yeah, everything burned.
41:14 Speaker 01 I mean, it really speaks to addiction in some ways because that wasn't his bottom and he kept going.
41:20 Dax Shepard? Yeah, you've lost all material items.
41:22 Speaker 01 Yeah.
41:22 Speaker 06 Yeah, it does suck though. I have a son. He's an addict. He's in recovery over in Oceanside right now. He's doing great, though. He's doing the steps. I think he went through step eight, finished up this weekend.
41:34 Dax Shepard? Oh, awesome.
41:36 Speaker 06 So very proud of him doing that.
41:38 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah, good for him.
41:40 Speaker 06 Yeah, but I found out about you guys through Bridget and Crystal, two beautiful souls that are in my life. They say hello and they love you.
41:48 Dax Shepard? Oh, wonderful. Hello, Bridget. Did you say Bridget and Crystal?
41:52 Speaker 06 Correct.
41:52 Dax Shepard? Hello to them.
41:53 Speaker 01 Yes, big shout out. Thank you for sharing that.
41:56 Dax Shepard? Yeah, what a great story. I'm really there. It sounds like a Michigan party or two I've been to.
42:01 Speaker 06 No doubt about it. I appreciate you guys.
42:03 Dax Shepard? Happy holidays to you. Thanks so much.
42:05 Speaker 06 Happy holidays.
42:06 Dax Shepard? All right. All right. Take care, David.
42:08 Speaker 06 Bye.
42:09 Dax Shepard? I love that this swimming under the frozen.
42:11 Speaker 01 That was a red herring.
42:13 Dax Shepard? It was a red herring. And for people who didn't see the photo he put up, there's just one little hole chopped by the ladder. So they're swimming under the ice.
42:19 Speaker 01 Hundred percent someone was gonna get stuck under there.
42:22 Dax Shepard? We thought for sure this is a drowning story.
42:24 Speaker 01 Yeah.
42:24 Dax Shepard? Everyone, the tequila and the keg is here in Nevada.
42:27 Speaker 01 They kept going back in there and doing it.
42:30 Dax Shepard? More wood, more plunging, more, more, more, more.
42:34 Speaker 01 Oh, wow.
42:35 Dax Shepard? More, more.
42:36 Speaker 07 I found the artist of your Great Dane painting.
42:38 Dax Shepard? Oh, you did? Is it famous?
42:40 Speaker 07 Christine Merrill. She's America's most extraordinary painter of dog portraits.
42:44 Speaker 01 Oh, that's cool.
42:45 Dax Shepard? I agree with that assessment.
42:47 Speaker 01 It actually says her name on it.
42:49 Dax Shepard? Okay, I've never looked.
42:50 Speaker 01 Yeah.
42:51 Speaker 07 From Baltimore.
42:53 Speaker 01 And it also says the name of the painting, but my eyes are bad.
42:55 Speaker 07 Recumbent Great Dane.
42:57 Speaker 01 How weird that he has the same one. How funny.
43:00 Dax Shepard? Must be a popular print.
43:02 Speaker 01 Yes, yeah.
43:03 Speaker 07 It's on art19.com.
43:04 Dax Shepard? art19.com.
43:05 Speaker 01 The dolly, like the melting clocks and we didn't know it.
43:08 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
43:08 Speaker 01 Anyway, well, happy holidays to all.
43:11 Dax Shepard? Let there be a warning of the holidays that are upon us. Keep your eyes peeled for...
43:16 Speaker 01 The whole thing was a cautionary tale.
43:19 Dax Shepard? I guess with a prompt like crazy holiday stories, it's gonna be... It does make me miss Grandma's on Fire, Nana's on Fire story. Remember that one?
43:27 Speaker 01 Oh my god, yeah, that was Thanksgiving.
43:29 Dax Shepard? Is it Thanksgiving?
43:30 Speaker 01 Uh huh, that was funny.
43:32 Dax Shepard? And Nana was fully ablaze. It wasn't Nana, it was like Mimi or something cute.
43:36 Speaker 01 Mimi, I don't remember. We've had some great stories over the years.
43:39 Dax Shepard? We have. These holidays, they keep producing terrible stories. All right, I love you. Happy holidays, everybody. Jingle, jingle.
43:48 Speaker 07 Do you want to sing a tune or something? We know a theme song.
43:51 Dax Shepard? Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fire, Rhyme Dish. On the fire, Rhyme Dish. Enjoy.
Previous Allison Jones (Award-Winning Casting Director) Next Holiday Spectacular 2024 Page updated November 5, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated