Armchair Anonymous: Foreign Object in Butt III

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us a crazy story about finding a foreign object in a patient's butt. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dax Shepard?

  Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard. I'm joined by Lily Padman.

• 0:04Speaker 01

  Hello. What is it today?

• 0:07Dax Shepard?

  Foreign objects, baby.

• 0:10Speaker 01

  You guys.

• 0:11Dax Shepard?

  Guys.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  This one.

• 0:13Dax Shepard?

  Hits.

• 0:13Speaker 01

  Is.

• 0:14Dax Shepard?

  No, the last one.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  There's two.

• 0:17Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, you're right.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  That.

• 0:19Dax Shepard?

  Well, they all are wild.

• 0:21Speaker 01

  But there are two that you'll never be able to unhear.

• 0:25Dax Shepard?

  And you're gonna hear Monica scream a ton. So keep your volume at like, I guess, there's always trigger warnings. This is a, like, ear safety warning.

• 0:33Speaker 01

  I would probably not listen to this one with your children. There's some real sensitive stuff, actually.

• 0:38Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, insensitive areas, sharp objects. Uh, please enjoy Foreign Objects and Body Part Three. We get support from Quince.

• 0:51Speaker 01

  I have to say, I am so ready for fall. I want sweaters. I've been craving a true crisp morning where I actually need a jacket. I can't wait.

• 1:00Dax Shepard?

  I'm fully there. The second it dips below 70, I'm like, this is my season. Give me the layers, give me the boots, give me a reason to wear something other than a t-shirt. And honestly, that's why I love Quince, because fall is when your wardrobe actually has to show up. And everything at Quince is 50 to 80% less than similar brands. We're talking 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, starting at $60.

• 1:22Speaker 01

  $60. $60 for cashmere that you'd expect from a luxury brand without the luxury price tag. It's amazing. Gets me every time. It really shouldn't be real, but it is because they go straight to the factories, they skip the middlemen, and they just hand you the savings. The stuff isn't trendy. It's the kind of pieces you grab over and over because they work every time.

• 1:40Dax Shepard?

  The 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters for me are it. When I look at Steve McQueen, this man owned a couple of sweaters he wore all the time, and he looks iconic.

• 1:49Speaker 01

  It's a uniform.

• 1:50Dax Shepard?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:51Speaker 01

  And Quince isn't just about the clothes. They have hotel-quality bedding, cookware, bath essentials, thoughtfully-designed furniture. You can really go there and outfit your entire apartment or house. So if you're in need of any kind of fall refresh at home, too, same quality, same attention to detail for every corner of your life.

• 2:08Dax Shepard?

  Find your next fall favorite. At Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. We get support from AG1. Fall is that time when your body and mind are getting ready for the winter. You're settling in, bracing for the cold. Your body's already running a deficit from the shorter days and broken sleep patterns. You don't want a nutrient deficit stacked on top of that, too.

• 2:44Speaker 01

  That's where your AG1 routine earns its spot. It's not fixing your sleep or your alarm time. It's giving your body what it needs so the dark mornings don't tank you before you even start. One scoop cold water every morning before anything else.

• 2:57Dax Shepard?

  AG1 Next Gen has 75 plus ingredients, vitamins, minerals, pre and probiotics, superfoods, backed by four separate gold standard clinical trials. Key nutrient levels improved with three months of consistent use.

• 3:11Speaker 01

  That's the part people miss. It's not a one day fix. It's what happens when you stay consistent.

• 3:15Dax Shepard?

  It's an easy, everyday thing. I've added it to my morning routine and I'm going to tell you, I actually love the taste of it. It's like Pavlovian. I drink it and I know I'm going to get that little vitamin buzz.

• 3:25Speaker 01

  Well, that's also the thing. When you do it first thing in the morning, you already feel kind of self-esteem because you're like, I already did something good for myself.

• 3:32Dax Shepard?

  Yes. Go to drinkag1.com/dax. And for a limited time, get a free immunity bundle, including a bottle of omega-3 fish oil and a bottle of vitamin D3 K2 with your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro. That's drinkag1.com/dax. And after checkout, be sure to let them know that Armchair Expert sent you.

• 4:18Speaker 02

  Hello.

• 4:19Dax Shepard?

  How are you? Are you Randy?

• 4:21Speaker 02

  I am.

• 4:22Dax Shepard?

  Where are you, Randy?

• 4:23Speaker 02

  Well, I'm currently in Orlando. I'm on a road trip. I met one of my son's house. When I heard about this, we had to stop here on our way to our destination. So I could use his computer.

• 4:35Speaker 01

  Oh, that's nice.

• 4:37Dax Shepard?

  We appreciate you interrupting your road trip to tell us this story. This is our favorite prompt.

• 4:42Speaker 01

  We love this.

• 4:43Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, we do.

• 4:44Speaker 02

  I'm a retired paramedic. I was a paramedic for 35 years in a major metropolitan area. Of course, I've got a thousand, thousand stories.

• 4:51Dax Shepard?

  I'm sure.

• 4:53Speaker 02

  But some of these are more unique than others.

• 4:55Speaker 01

  Okay, the more unique, the better.

• 4:59Speaker 02

  My partner and I were sitting at the station and the call comes in from dispatch. It says, crew four two five, self inflicted trauma involving a foreign object.

• 5:09Dax Shepard?

  And really quick, what does that normally mean to you? What's like the highest probability that means?

• 5:14Speaker 02

  Self inflicted trauma, usually they're not that detailed. They'll call it an unknown medical or they'll call it a personal injury. But this one happened to come in, a little more description to it. We're just kind of wondering, what can this be? Every time I think I've seen it all, I see something I've never seen before. So anyway, we knock on the door and the middle aged woman answers the door and she's startled. She's going, you must have the wrong address. I didn't call 911. You better check with dispatch. We called dispatch to verify the address and the name of the caller. And I said, well, it wasn't a woman's name. I said, well, this is the name of the caller. And she said, that's my son. He's upstairs.

• 5:55Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 5:55Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 5:56Speaker 02

  Well, maybe we should go check on your son. We walked up there and we find that he's around 14 years old and he's laying in bed and he's got a blanket over him and he's very reluctant to answer any questions.

• 6:07Dax Shepard?

  He has a hard age for this. Yeah.

• 6:11Speaker 02

  I said, how do you feel? He says, well, I've been a lot of pain. So then he asked for his mother to leave the room. And he was more forthcoming with his complaint. So then we looked at him and he had what I would describe as a super silker 1000 up his rectum.

• 6:28Dax Shepard?

  Okay, an enormous squirt gun?

• 6:31Speaker 02

  Well, this particular model had an attachment to it that allowed this to happen. There's a tube on the end of it. He asked if we could take care of him at that point. And we sometimes try to do things like that, you know, we'll grease it up with a little KY jelly. If we could get it removed and it wasn't working very well. He said, well, at this point, we're gonna have to transport you to the hospital.

• 6:52Speaker 01

  Ugh.

• 6:53Dax Shepard?

  Randy, if you could explain to some detail, I'm picturing a big water gun. Is the barrel in his rectum or is the water tank in his rectum? Or is the entire device in it?

• 7:05Speaker 02

  The barrel and the water tank, I wouldn't think it would fit. There was a hose attachment to it that allowed a stronger stream, I would presume.

• 7:13Speaker 01

  Okay, interesting, okay.

• 7:18Speaker 01

  I'm gonna have to do some Googling after this.

• 7:19Dax Shepard?

  So it sounds like this might have started as like a hydro experiment. Like, oh, I might like the sensation of water spraying in my ass.

• 7:27Speaker 01

  Like a bidet, a makeshift bidet.

• 7:29Dax Shepard?

  Enema, yeah.

• 7:30Speaker 01

  Or an enema, yeah.

• 7:31Speaker 02

  Yes, we did detach the main water tank on it by severing that from the tube. So we didn't have to transport the whole thing yet. And then we did bring him to the hospital where he was sedated and the thing was removed. He had a lot of splain in the dude after that and it was pretty embarrassing.

• 7:49Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 7:49Dax Shepard?

  I can't think of anything. I was already so paranoid my mother would discover I was just masturbating, old fashioned masturbating.

• 7:58Speaker 01

  Let alone.

• 7:58Dax Shepard?

  I just can't imagine the horror I would experience having to tell my mother that that water pistol she got me.

• 8:06Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 8:07Dax Shepard?

  I used in my bedroom. Oh my gosh.

• 8:10Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 8:11Speaker 02

  He called 911 without her knowledge. I think he thought maybe that he could pull it off.

• 8:16Speaker 01

  Right, oh man.

• 8:18Dax Shepard?

  He could pull off a lot of stuff that day.

• 8:20Speaker 01

  He sure did. He learned a lot. So, did you have to tell the mom, can we have to take him to the hospital? And she's like, why?

• 8:28Speaker 02

  Well, at that point where we figured we'd have to try to remove it, we got her involved.

• 8:32Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 8:33Speaker 02

  Because she was quite nervous, wanting to know what's going on.

• 8:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, of course.

• 8:37Dax Shepard?

  And you want some? Parental consent when you're gonna remove something from a minor's anus.

• 8:42Speaker 02

  The parental consent, even when he's conscious like that. I explained to the 14 year old rather quickly that you don't want your mother in here, but we have to get her involved.

• 8:51Dax Shepard?

  Randy, did you make any effort to alleviate his shame? Did you go like, hey, brother, just so you know, this happens all the time.

• 8:58Speaker 02

  Well, I didn't say it happens all the time. I told him, I said I was his age once.

• 9:03Dax Shepard?

  Okay, that's nice.

• 9:05Speaker 02

  Experimentation is something that's rather common.

• 9:08Speaker 01

  Of course, yes, yes.

• 9:10Speaker 02

  I didn't get any of these details on that.

• 9:13Dax Shepard?

  Your own experimentation.

• 9:15Speaker 02

  The important thing is, is you're not hurting anybody else.

• 9:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:20Dax Shepard?

  Just yourself.

• 9:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:21Dax Shepard?

  What if the mom had walked in the room and he was mid-sentence going, well, when I was your age, I put a cactus in my rectum.

• 9:29Dax Shepard?

  So what you did was pretty sane.

• 9:32Speaker 02

  Or a live animal for that.

• 9:35Dax Shepard?

  We've heard those stories. And what's funny, Scott, is you said it wasn't a woman's name on the call. And I just want to say, we have now done this prompt quite a few times and I'm accumulating stories as I move through the world. And I just want to say, it's never gonna be a woman's name.

• 9:51Speaker 01

  It's really rare.

• 9:52Dax Shepard?

  This seems to be a very male endeavor.

• 9:54Speaker 02

  I suppose if I look back at my career, I would agree with you.

• 10:00Speaker 01

  Oh, man. Yikes.

• 10:02Dax Shepard?

  Well, Randy, where are you heading? Where's the road trip conclude?

• 10:06Speaker 02

  We're gonna go to New Spirit Beach. That's on the east coast of Florida.

• 10:09Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great.

• 10:10Speaker 02

  We're traveling with my in-laws who've just moved here about a year ago and they've never been at the Kennedy Space Center.

• 10:15Speaker 01

  Ooh, fun.

• 10:17Speaker 02

  That's our destination. And my sister owns a condo in New Spirit Beach. So we're gonna stay there for a couple of days.

• 10:23Dax Shepard?

  Lovely. Where did you live before you retired in Florida?

• 10:26Speaker 02

  Down north when it was very cold. And I love retirement.

• 10:29Speaker 01

  Good.

• 10:30Speaker 02

  I don't miss the challenges and the excitement of the job.

• 10:34Dax Shepard?

  That's great, because a lot of people don't do well with retirement.

• 10:37Speaker 02

  There really is an art to it.

• 10:38Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, what's the secret, as I near it?

• 10:40Speaker 02

  You take up a hobby, you golf, you own a home that's not brand new, that needs some improvements. And that's kept me busy.

• 10:49Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. You need to be busy, right? Doing something.

• 10:52Speaker 02

  If you're not busy, then bad things, I think, can result from it.

• 10:56Dax Shepard?

  You deteriorate.

• 10:57Speaker 02

  Yeah. If your muscles aren't being used, they kind of have a memory that says, well, if you're not gonna use me, I'm just gonna go away.

• 11:03Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I'm not going to expend energy on supporting you if I'm not needed.

• 11:07Speaker 02

  And I did that job for 35 years and that was a long time.

• 11:10Speaker 01

  That is.

• 11:11Dax Shepard?

  We've interviewed a lot of first responders and yeah, generally they don't do 20 years.

• 11:16Speaker 01

  That's really long and a very high stimuli. So I'm sure you feel happy to be out of that.

• 11:20Speaker 02

  Yeah. People say, well, you must have liked your job. And I said, I don't think so. I must have loved it.

• 11:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's right. So nice to chat with you.

• 11:28Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, Randy, a delight to meet you and I appreciate the story.

• 11:32Speaker 02

  I just want to say one last thing. My daughter's a big fan of yours. Her name is Megan. She lives in California and she's a film editor.

• 11:39Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 11:40Speaker 02

  Oh, she wanted me to say she loves the show and to say hello.

• 11:44Dax Shepard?

  Well, thank you. Tell Megan. Yes, Megan. Thank you so much for encouraging your father to submit.

• 11:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, we appreciate you.

• 11:51Speaker 02

  It's been a lot of fun talking to you.

• 11:52Dax Shepard?

  All right. Have a good trip.

• 11:54Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 11:54Dax Shepard?

  All right.

• 11:55Speaker 01

  Bye.

• 11:56Dax Shepard?

  I wish he had a photo of that water sprayer because I was having a hard time really.

• 12:01Speaker 01

  What did he call it? Super soaker?

• 12:02Dax Shepard?

  But with a hose.

• 12:03Speaker 03

  1,000.

• 12:04Speaker 01

  I think he said 3,000.

• 12:07Dax Shepard?

  10,000.

• 12:08Speaker 01

  Oh, wow. I mean, vintage. This is a vintage one from 1997.

• 12:13Dax Shepard?

  Well, it was a while ago. Let me see if I'm seeing a hose. Yeah, this is exactly what I was picturing, but I'm like, what's the, oh, there is a hose along the side there.

• 12:24Speaker 01

  Oh, so do we think he put the hose in?

• 12:28Dax Shepard?

  But that one gets stuck in your ass. You could jerk a hose out just fine. There had to be some big bulbous end of it stuck in the rectal.

• 12:37Speaker 01

  But he kept referring to the hose.

• 12:39Dax Shepard?

  I wish he referred to the cavity more.

• 12:41Speaker 01

  I think it was a super soaker because it's labeled pretty clearly on these things.

• 12:46Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 12:46Speaker 01

  Or like maybe this. No, that's Nerf. Oh, it's taking me to DoorDash now. Vintage. These are fun. Wow. This vintage one's $282.

• 12:55Dax Shepard?

  I want to put it in your butt and see how it feels.

• 12:57Speaker 01

  All right. Oh, I was going to say it is weird that the stories aren't. Females, because I do think generally women have more stuff up there. Anal beads, like it's more.

• 13:13Dax Shepard?

  Socially.

• 13:14Speaker 01

  Yes, socially, it's more of a thing.

• 13:17Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I think there's a couple of factors. One, women don't have a prostate. So they're not trying to explore some heightened, you know, they might enjoy the tension, but they're not in search of the male G-spot.

• 13:28Speaker 01

  No, I, yeah, I think it's more like in a sexual experience with, with a man.

• 13:33Dax Shepard?

  And then I also don't think they're as bold.

• 13:36Speaker 01

  Right, to tell it.

• 13:37Dax Shepard?

  No, like, oh, I think I'll put that entire fucking, I think they're more reasonable.

• 13:41Speaker 01

  Or doing it in secrecy. I don't think they're doing it in secrecy. I think they're doing it in sex. I'm just surprised there aren't more mistakes. Anyway.

• 13:49Dax Shepard?

  John, can you hear us?

• 13:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, can you guys hear me?

• 13:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:52Dax Shepard?

  Absolutely.

• 13:53Speaker 02

  All right, how are you guys?

• 13:54Dax Shepard?

  Good. Did you get stressed out about connecting?

• 13:57Speaker 02

  I had a little bit of a panic attack.

• 13:58Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, don't worry. So standard. It's always a bit of a challenge.

• 14:03Speaker 02

  All right.

• 14:04Dax Shepard?

  Where are you?

• 14:05Speaker 02

  I'm gonna see if you guys can guess. You guys are pretty good at guessing.

• 14:07Dax Shepard?

  I think you're at a hospital.

• 14:08Speaker 02

  I am.

• 14:09Speaker 01

  Oh, shit, I thought it was a classroom.

• 14:11Speaker 02

  Any idea what state?

• 14:13Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow. I'd be basing this on.

• 14:15Speaker 01

  Texas.

• 14:16Dax Shepard?

  Tiles and this blue background. I'm gonna go Ohio.

• 14:19Speaker 02

  You're damn good, sir.

• 14:20Dax Shepard?

  No.

• 14:20Speaker 01

  Are you kidding me? Wow.

• 14:25Speaker 02

  Yes, sir.

• 14:26Dax Shepard?

  You just made my year. That might be my best guess of all time. I have almost no details.

• 14:30Speaker 01

  For the listener, all we see is a green wall and a ceiling.

• 14:33Dax Shepard?

  Great, you're in Ohio.

• 14:34Speaker 02

  I'll leave it at that. I need to kind of keep it a little vague.

• 14:37Dax Shepard?

  Surely. And what line of work are you in, John?

• 14:39Speaker 02

  I'm an ER nurse.

• 14:40Speaker 01

  Oh, nice.

• 14:42Dax Shepard?

  You see it all?

• 14:43Speaker 02

  Yes, sir.

• 14:43Speaker 01

  We are excited.

• 14:44Dax Shepard?

  How long have you been doing that?

• 14:45Speaker 02

  About 14 years.

• 14:47Dax Shepard?

  Great. And are you fatiguing at all? Or are you still inspired?

• 14:51Speaker 02

  Comes and goes. There's some days where it's pretty fatiguing. Other days, it's, it's inspiring.

• 14:55Speaker 01

  How are you feeling about the pit?

• 14:56Speaker 02

  I love it. Most realistic medical drama since ER.

• 15:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's so good.

• 15:02Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 15:02Speaker 01

  Glad you love it.

• 15:03Dax Shepard?

  And really quick, did you know from a young boy that you wanted to go into this?

• 15:07Speaker 04

  No, I wanted to be a sniper in the military.

• 15:09Dax Shepard?

  So either save people or kill people.

• 15:13Dax Shepard?

  I'll be on either end of that spectrum, kill or save. Okay, so and then would I be right in guessing that you probably had to pick between many foreign objects?

• 15:22Speaker 04

  Yeah, I submitted a couple of different ones.

• 15:24Speaker 01

  Oh, great.

• 15:25Dax Shepard?

  Well, please walk us through the one that you selected for today.

• 15:29Speaker 04

  This was back in 2013, just after I was off orientation, so I'm a brand new grad. And it was like one of my first shifts off orientation. And the person I was sharing a part of the department with was going to lunch. And they had a patient come in, so I was trying to be a good coworker. I'm gonna get this patient settled. So I look up and there's an older gentleman on an EMS stretcher laying on his side. So I'm like, hmm, could be anything. So get him in there and I'm like, you know, what's going on? He goes, I'm having some pain down there and a little bit of blood.

• 15:59Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 15:59Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 16:00Speaker 04

  I'm like, okay, that's cool, whatever. So start doing everything. Doctor comes in and he's doing his regular questions. And he said, was there any chance he stuck something up there? The guy's like, absolutely not, nope, no way. And so he's like, okay, well, since you did say that you were bleeding, we have to do a rectal exam. You have to have a witness. So me being the nurse, I was in there just kind of being a witness. And the doctor does what he did. And when he pulled his finger out, he had a little bit of like clear plastic on his glove.

• 16:29Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 16:30Speaker 01

  Plastic.

• 16:30Dax Shepard?

  Clear plastic.

• 16:31Speaker 04

  I probably could explain it better, but we gave it away.

• 16:34Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great, great, great, great.

• 16:35Speaker 04

  So he's like, are you sure there's nothing up there? And he's like, nope, nothing's up there.

• 16:39Dax Shepard?

  Can we just talk for a second about the psychology of someone who comes in? What's so interesting is this is very common. We keep hearing people like they think they're gonna be able to deny it all is happening while also getting treated for it.

• 16:50Speaker 01

  I know.

• 16:50Dax Shepard?

  I feel like it's one of the more unique patients that can arrive at the hospitals. Cause like they're not gonna help you figure it out.

• 16:56Speaker 01

  They go into a weird spot in their brain, fight or flight.

• 16:59Dax Shepard?

  Save their life.

• 17:00Speaker 01

  Embarrassment, yeah.

• 17:01Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 17:02Speaker 04

  As I gain experience, I've told them like, I don't care. We're gonna help you regardless. Just be honest with us so we can make it a lot quicker.

• 17:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:10Dax Shepard?

  Do you think it would be helpful? This would comfort me. We were just talking to someone. If you were to say to the person like, hey, by the way, we get a hundred of these a year. This is average stuff.

• 17:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 17:19Dax Shepard?

  I think I would feel comforted by that because I bet when you're on your way there, you think you're the only person that needed to go to the hospital for this.

• 17:25Speaker 01

  This might have been the only time this person ever, but we don't know the story yet. But we'll have to see.

• 17:29Speaker 04

  Draw some blood work and the doctor sends them over for a CT. And I had sent a picture of the CT.

• 17:34Dax Shepard?

  We have it.

• 17:35Speaker 04

  I sent three pictures.

• 17:36Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 17:36Speaker 01

  Oh, my.

• 17:37Dax Shepard?

  I'm so excited.

• 17:38Speaker 01

  Me too.

• 17:38Dax Shepard?

  I feel like.

• 17:39Speaker 01

  Christmas morning.

• 17:40Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 17:41Speaker 01

  What do you see?

• 17:41Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so here we go, Monica. I see ilium and the ischium. I see the hips.

• 17:46Speaker 04

  The first one looking at is there should be like three circles.

• 17:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:49Dax Shepard?

  Uh huh.

• 17:50Speaker 01

  Okay, it's really far up there.

• 17:52Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, really far.

• 17:53Speaker 01

  And it's three stripes.

• 17:56Speaker 04

  It looks like a fidget spinner almost, but it's not.

• 17:58Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 17:59Speaker 01

  Right, okay.

• 18:00Speaker 04

  We get those back and the doctor's like, listen, sir, I've been doing this a long time. Just be honest with me. So he finally broke down and admitted that his wife was out of town.

• 18:14Dax Shepard?

  Always.

• 18:14Speaker 01

  The wife is, oh, wives cannot go out of town.

• 18:17Dax Shepard?

  They can.

• 18:18Speaker 04

  He had wanted to feel what it felt like. So he went to the fridge and he got bratwursts.

• 18:24Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 18:26Dax Shepard?

  Bratwursts, not a bratwurst.

• 18:28Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 18:29Speaker 04

  He put one.

• 18:30Speaker 01

  No.

• 18:31Speaker 04

  Thought it felt pretty good, thought two would be better.

• 18:34Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 18:36Speaker 04

  So then those are three bratwursts.

• 18:38Speaker 01

  Oh, no. No. Oh, let me see.

• 18:45Dax Shepard?

  I can so relate to this person.

• 18:47Speaker 01

  What?

• 18:48Dax Shepard?

  It's my whole thing with why I'm an addict. It's like, oh, this one pill felt great. Of course, two will feel better. And then, of course, three will feel better.

• 18:55Speaker 01

  What's the plastic? Oh, like the wrapping?

• 18:58Speaker 04

  The casing.

• 18:59Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 18:59Dax Shepard?

  The casing.

• 19:01Speaker 01

  This is coming up on July 4th, when everyone's gonna be cooking these up.

• 19:05Dax Shepard?

  Very patriotic.

• 19:07Speaker 01

  Hope you keep this in mind.

• 19:08Dax Shepard?

  What if he goes, I was just trying to celebrate our country's birthday?

• 19:12Speaker 01

  Ew.

• 19:21Dax Shepard?

  We get support from Scottsdale, Arizona. Monica, with summer ending or heading into fall, I've been researching a nice, quick getaway location, and I keep coming back to Scottsdale, Arizona.

• 19:32Speaker 01

  Ooh, Scottsdale's good. What's drawing you to it?

• 19:34Dax Shepard?

  Well, first of all, I have this wonderful memory of going there as a kid when I would go see my stepdad when he was working out there. The weather is perfect in fall. Warm, sunny, no humidity. And you can really do whatever you want with your time there. I want to do a sunrise hike through the Sonoran Desert, be surrounded by Saguaro, and then at the same afternoon, just completely melt into a spa treatment at one of their luxury resorts.

• 19:59Speaker 01

  Oh, that sounds amazing. I want to do that. Also, I was there visiting my brother once, and I loved Old Town Scottsdale. It's so walkable. They have galleries and cute little restaurants and shops. The food scene alone is worth the trip.

• 20:13Dax Shepard?

  What I keep reading is that it's luxurious, but not stuffy. There's no pressure to do it a certain way. You can explore public art, check out the architecture, go off-roading in the desert, or just sit and watch a sunset.

• 20:25Speaker 01

  It really is the perfect fall reset.

• 20:27Dax Shepard?

  Learn more about all Scottsdale has to offer at unwindinscottsdale.com. We get support from Superhuman. I'm someone who wants to do big, meaningful work, but the small stuff eats up my day before I even get to it. The endless emails, docs, scheduling, follow-ups that pile up. By the time all that's cleared, there's no energy left for the ambitious stuff. Most AI tools promise to fix that, but they require opening a new tab, re-explaining everything from scratch every single time. A week later, it's just another thing collecting dust in the browser. Superhuman, from the makers of Grammarly, is different. It's already embedded inside the tools people are using. Email, docs, browser. It's not waiting to be found. It's already there,

• 21:12Dax Shepard?

  working alongside, clearing what's in the way, so the focus stays on what's actually worth doing. A thought partner that's already up to speed. No catching it up. It knows the style, the workflows, and it backs people up without getting in the way. At your service, not after your job. That's the difference. Give it a try for yourself. Start streamlining your workflows with Superhuman. Try today at superhuman.com. We get support from our sponsor Lilly. For adults with obesity or with excess weight and weight-related medical problems, it's time to find out about Foundo or for Glibron. Foundo is a once-daily prescription GLP-1 medicine used with a reduced calorie diet and increased physical activity to help adults with obesity or some adults with overweight

• 21:57Dax Shepard?

  who also have weight-related medical problems to lose excess body weight and keep the weight off.

• 22:02Speaker 05

  Foundo should not be used with other GLP-1 receptor agonist medicines. It is not known if Foundo is safe and effective for use in children. Don't take Foundo if you're allergic to it, or if you or someone in your family had majorary thyroid cancer or multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2. Stop and call your doctor right away if you have an allergic reaction, a lump or swelling in your neck, or severe stomach pain. Serious side effects may include inflamed pancreas and gallbladder problems. Tell your doctor if you experience vision changes, if you're nursing, pregnant, plan to be, or taking birth control pills, and before scheduled procedures with anesthesia. Taking Foundo with an insulin or sulfonylurea may cause low blood sugar. Side effects include diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting, which can cause dehydration and may cause kidney problems. Once-daily

• 22:43Speaker 05

  Foundo is available by prescription only in 0.8mg, 2.5mg, 5.5mg, 9mg, 14.5mg, and 17.2mg tablets. Learn more at foundo.lilly.com or call 1-800-LILLY-RX. Now is perfect to talk to your doctor about Foundo.

• 23:00Dax Shepard?

  We get support from Instagram teen accounts. So, we talk a lot on this show about how the world is different now than when we were growing up. And one of the biggest differences is obviously social media. And I think a lot of people wonder, okay, what's actually being done to make it safer for teenagers?

• 23:16Speaker 01

  Which is a fair question.

• 23:17Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, so Instagram has got something called teen accounts, and they come with automatic protections built in by default. So, anyone between 13 and 17 is automatically placed into this experience. They get age-appropriate content settings, contact limits, so that by default, only people they're already connected to can message them, and time management. Tools, daily time limit reminders and also sleep mode that mutes notifications from 10pm to 7am.

• 23:43Speaker 01

  Sleep mode is genius.

• 23:45Dax Shepard?

  Right? And here's the thing, for anyone under 16, a parent has to give permission to change any of those settings to be less strict. The guardrails are on and Instagram keeps building new safety features to create age appropriate experiences for teens.

• 24:00Speaker 01

  I am really glad Instagram's helping to give parents peace of mind with teen accounts.

• 24:04Dax Shepard?

  Learn more about teen accounts and Instagram's ongoing work to protect teens online at instagram.com/teenaccounts.

• 24:20Speaker 04

  A couple of days later, the surgeon was down there because they had to take him to surgery to get him out. And where I'm at, there's a couple hospitals in the area. And the surgeon was talking to a buddy of his at the other hospital, who will come to find out the guy had been over there.

• 24:38Dax Shepard?

  With a different.

• 24:39Speaker 04

  Those other two pictures.

• 24:40Speaker 01

  No. Oh, I wondered. I was like, I don't understand how this is three bratwursts. Oh, no.

• 24:46Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my goodness. What is?

• 24:48Speaker 04

  Which one are you looking at?

• 24:50Dax Shepard?

  So I'm looking at like, again, this guy's pelvis and then there is a large object silhouetted that's really far off to the right. It doesn't look like you would, but anyways, yeah, what are we looking at?

• 25:01Speaker 04

  I'm sure you guys like to travel a lot. When you take your toothbrush, you get a plastic holder that the toothbrush goes in. That was his final one. He ended up having a colostomy after that.

• 25:15Dax Shepard?

  No.

• 25:16Speaker 01

  Oh, my.

• 25:17Dax Shepard?

  Oh, that's so sad.

• 25:20Speaker 01

  He is really addicted to this.

• 25:22Dax Shepard?

  But it's not even that he's addicted to it. That's so puzzling. It's that you got something lost in there. I would think minimally, you'd go, okay, next time I need a string attached to whatever I'm putting in my box. Or, you know, some game plan. Go ahead and keep pursuing this, but do it a little better.

• 25:36Speaker 01

  Keep pursuing it. You've already had to go to the hospital.

• 25:39Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 25:40Speaker 01

  And it's bad. And then you went again.

• 25:42Dax Shepard?

  So that's.

• 25:43Speaker 01

  And then you went again.

• 25:45Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, three, three strikes, you're out, is what you're.

• 25:48Speaker 04

  The other picture.

• 25:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, what's this one?

• 25:50Speaker 04

  Takes place shortly after the Bratwurst. Any guesses on what that could be?

• 25:56Speaker 01

  It looks like a dildo, honestly, but it's confusing.

• 25:59Speaker 04

  It's not.

• 26:00Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 26:00Speaker 01

  Is it a microphone?

• 26:01Dax Shepard?

  You know what it weirdly looks like? It looks like his spinal column.

• 26:05Speaker 01

  What if he stole one from a museum?

• 26:07Speaker 04

  What did our parents always tell us would keep a doctor if we ate it?

• 26:11Speaker 01

  An apple?

• 26:12Dax Shepard?

  It's this.

• 26:13Speaker 01

  Oh, it's the dark thing?

• 26:15Dax Shepard?

  It's the dark piece.

• 26:16Speaker 01

  Okay, so he really was into food.

• 26:18Dax Shepard?

  In two of the events, yeah.

• 26:20Speaker 01

  Until the-

• 26:20Dax Shepard?

  And then oral hygiene.

• 26:21Speaker 01

  Well, it's all connected.

• 26:23Dax Shepard?

  I've eaten so much food down there.

• 26:25Speaker 01

  I gotta clean up.

• 26:26Dax Shepard?

  A brush, a brush. Cavities.

• 26:29Speaker 01

  This looks like an apple that's been cut in half.

• 26:31Dax Shepard?

  He didn't want rectal cavities.

• 26:32Speaker 04

  It was full. It wasn't cut in half, but he did core it or he put, was able to get a string through it.

• 26:37Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 26:38Speaker 01

  So see, he was trying.

• 26:40Dax Shepard?

  That's how they got it out?

• 26:41Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 26:41Dax Shepard?

  Oh, so the Bratwursts required surgery. Did the toothbrush container require surgery?

• 26:47Speaker 04

  They had to actually open his belly. They took out some of his bowel because it had died.

• 26:52Dax Shepard?

  Oh, fuck, man.

• 26:54Speaker 01

  Oh, this is hor- how old is this man?

• 26:57Dax Shepard?

  I blame the wife. It sounds like she was traveling too much.

• 26:59Speaker 01

  She traveled so much.

• 27:01Dax Shepard?

  Why could she say put?

• 27:02Speaker 01

  I don't blame her. She had to get out of that house. How oldish was this person?

• 27:07Speaker 04

  Late 50s.

• 27:08Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 27:09Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 27:09Speaker 01

  Oh, Dex, you have time?

• 27:11Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it sounds like in my future.

• 27:14Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 27:15Dax Shepard?

  A lot of these stories, you know, what's interesting is we have both. There's the young people experimenting, but most of these stories are kind of older men and their wives go out of town. They've always had this curiosity and then they're like, you know what? I'm 58. What am I waiting for?

• 27:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:30Speaker 04

  No time like the present.

• 27:31Dax Shepard?

  That's right. Now or never. She gets back Tuesday. Oh, I feel terrible. You wouldn't know, but I do wonder, did he just come home one day and be like, ah, honey, I had to get a colostomy? What?

• 27:43Speaker 04

  That was at the other hospital, so I don't know. I'm assuming he had to call her from the hospital. I don't know if she was out of town at that time or that whole story.

• 27:53Speaker 01

  I wish he could just ask like, hey hun, I'm just interested in what it feels like. Could you just put a dildo up there? Ask for help before you do all of that. But maybe it's probably part of the appeal.

• 28:05Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you feel naughty.

• 28:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:08Speaker 04

  I don't know. That's one of many stories that I could have told about people sticking other things up, other body parts.

• 28:15Dax Shepard?

  You know, John, I would imagine when you entered this career, your own interest in putting something in your butt might have been around a three or a four, but post-career, you're like, is it zero?

• 28:26Speaker 04

  It's like negative 50.

• 28:27Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you've really seen it go sideways. That's the problem. We don't hear the victory stories, you know?

• 28:33Speaker 01

  Well, are there?

• 28:34Dax Shepard?

  Well, yeah, like we could have a promise, like tell us about the best day of your life. And some guy would be like, yeah, I put a corn cob up my ass and it got it out, but it was fucking great. We're not hearing those stories. So it could be misleading.

• 28:46Speaker 01

  Then he would do it again and he would keep doing it if it felt great. And like, maybe Bratwurst had been doing this for a long time and with success.

• 28:56Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 28:56Speaker 01

  And then he got cocky.

• 28:58Speaker 04

  I don't know.

• 29:01Dax Shepard?

  Well, John, this is a delight. I never anticipated that we would have a story where the person had three trips.

• 29:07Speaker 01

  Jesus.

• 29:07Speaker 04

  Yeah, I got one that probably would make Monica very uncomfortable and involve some stuff stuck in a vagina.

• 29:14Speaker 01

  Wait.

• 29:14Dax Shepard?

  Go ahead.

• 29:15Speaker 01

  We need to hear it.

• 29:16Dax Shepard?

  What was in there?

• 29:18Speaker 04

  Click Down and Dirty, this person came in, she was a furry. And she identified as a cat. It's kind of a sad story, but she wanted to feel like what it would feel like to birth kittens.

• 29:30Speaker 01

  No, no.

• 29:32Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 29:32Speaker 01

  No.

• 29:32Speaker 04

  Yes, yes.

• 29:34Dax Shepard?

  Oh my fucking god, dude.

• 29:36Speaker 01

  No.

• 29:37Dax Shepard?

  See, this is where women are more kinky.

• 29:39Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 29:39Speaker 01

  She put a kitten up there?

• 29:41Speaker 04

  Three.

• 29:42Speaker 01

  No!

• 29:44Dax Shepard?

  No.

• 29:48Speaker 01

  How? How?

• 29:50Dax Shepard?

  Dude.

• 29:51Speaker 04

  I don't know.

• 29:52Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 29:52Dax Shepard?

  Listen, I am all for people getting as kinky as possible. I would never shame anyone's thing, but you can involve other animals. We gotta draw a line with the other animals.

• 30:03Speaker 01

  We can draw a line before that.

• 30:05Dax Shepard?

  If she put three stuffies in her vagina, I would be miserable, but I would have no ethical issue with it.

• 30:11Speaker 04

  She ended up passing away because she got sepsis and infection. I guess she kept in there for a couple of days.

• 30:16Speaker 01

  No, no, no. This is so, okay. Oh my god. This is so horrifying and it is so sad. We've got some mental issues.

• 30:25Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I mean, I think if you're in a position where you're becoming a cat.

• 30:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, of course.

• 30:29Dax Shepard?

  You're in treacherous waters.

• 30:30Speaker 01

  Oh my.

• 30:31Dax Shepard?

  Whoa.

• 30:32Speaker 01

  Oh my god. John, that was truly.

• 30:36Dax Shepard?

  Are you like the king of a backyard barbecue?

• 30:39Speaker 04

  I'm a great time at parties.

• 30:40Dax Shepard?

  I would be all ears. I would just trail you around the party trying to gather.

• 30:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, there's like a kitten or at somebody's house, like, oh, that reminds me.

• 30:48Dax Shepard?

  John, you got a great story about kittens.

• 30:51Speaker 01

  Holy shit.

• 30:53Dax Shepard?

  What a pleasure meeting you, John.

• 30:54Speaker 01

  Very nice to meet you.

• 30:55Speaker 04

  Thank you, guys. Can I give a couple of quick shout outs?

• 30:57Dax Shepard?

  You can give as many as you'd like.

• 30:58Speaker 04

  First of all, I want to thank you guys. You guys have been, after some pretty stressful shifts, some great comic relief, hearing other people's stories. So thank you for what you guys do. Shout out all the other nurses, especially two of them that I work closely with. And funny, one of their names is Cat.

• 31:12Speaker 01

  Oh, boy.

• 31:13Speaker 04

  All the ones, Devin and Chelsea. And then the person that introduced me to this podcast is actually the lady that cuts my hair. Her name's Sarah.

• 31:19Speaker 01

  Oh, shout out.

• 31:21Dax Shepard?

  Thank all those nurses. I mean, truly, I hope you hear it in our voice. We fucking are so grateful for nurses.

• 31:27Speaker 04

  It means a lot.

• 31:27Dax Shepard?

  Well, be well, brother, and enjoy that encroaching summer that's upon us.

• 31:31Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 31:31Dax Shepard?

  All right, John, take care, brother.

• 31:33Speaker 04

  Take care. See you, guys.

• 31:35Speaker 06

  Max and Monica.

• 31:37Dax Shepard?

  Hi.

• 31:38Speaker 01

  Look at your beautiful hair.

• 31:40Speaker 06

  Oh, thank you. I, you know, washed it.

• 31:44Dax Shepard?

  How do you do with anesthesia?

• 31:45Speaker 06

  Not well.

• 31:46Dax Shepard?

  That stereotype holds?

• 31:48Speaker 06

  I had surgery and the pre-op nurse, my surgeon and the anesthesiologist individually all walked in the room, had met me and were like, redheads, like out loud.

• 31:56Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 31:59Speaker 06

  That wasn't super comforting.

• 32:00Speaker 01

  No. Was the surgery, you getting something removed from your rectum?

• 32:04Speaker 06

  No, that would be appropriate.

• 32:07Dax Shepard?

  Unfortunately, there's not a lot of women involved in these stories.

• 32:11Speaker 01

  But I said I'm surprised.

• 32:13Speaker 06

  My anecdotal evidence is unfortunately, I would say it's mostly male skewed. Is it okay if I do a fake name for this?

• 32:20Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 32:21Dax Shepard?

  Of course. What name would you like to go by?

• 32:23Speaker 06

  I was gonna let you pick, but I think go with Lucy for this.

• 32:26Speaker 01

  I love it. It fits. It really fits.

• 32:29Dax Shepard?

  Are you in the medical profession?

• 32:30Speaker 06

  I am.

• 32:31Dax Shepard?

  And can you give us a broad where you're at in the country?

• 32:34Speaker 06

  I am in the Pacific Northwest.

• 32:35Speaker 01

  Ah.

• 32:35Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great. It's comforting to know that this stuff is happening kind of globally. We're not isolating any certain area.

• 32:41Speaker 06

  100 for that. And this took place elsewhere in the country, in another like big city. So it's everywhere.

• 32:47Dax Shepard?

  And what do you do?

• 32:48Speaker 06

  I am an ER nurse.

• 32:49Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great. We are so grateful for you. Thank you.

• 32:52Speaker 06

  We love people who love us. And I should say, Monica, before you ask, yes, I love ER and the pit.

• 32:56Speaker 01

  Yes, it was coming.

• 32:58Dax Shepard?

  Yes, you already asked.

• 33:00Speaker 06

  And yes, I have seen Munchausen's by proxy, so.

• 33:03Speaker 01

  Really?

• 33:04Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 33:05Speaker 01

  God, maybe we can do a prompt.

• 33:07Dax Shepard?

  God, that was one of your old questions. You kind of forgot about that.

• 33:10Speaker 01

  I know.

• 33:10Dax Shepard?

  Maybe you had to get rid of that cause for CTE?

• 33:13Speaker 01

  It's a lot I'm causing.

• 33:15Dax Shepard?

  I know.

• 33:15Speaker 01

  You know, I have a lot of hills to die on.

• 33:17Dax Shepard?

  You just reminded me, Lucy, how obsessed she was with Munchausen by proxy. I kind of forgot.

• 33:22Speaker 01

  I'm gonna circle back to that. I feel bad. I really let that one go.

• 33:25Speaker 06

  I mean, in your defense, those stories are always overshadowed by how sad they are.

• 33:30Speaker 01

  I mean, CTE isn't much better.

• 33:32Dax Shepard?

  Most of your causes are pretty.

• 33:34Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 33:36Dax Shepard?

  Once you recognize what was going on, I would have a hard time containing my ire towards the parent. Like, were you having to police yourself with how you were interacting with the parent?

• 33:46Speaker 06

  100%. At least in this case, once the child was removed, the parent's still, obviously, like, it's always a mom. Mom always tries to, like, still be involved, tries to visit, tries to whatever. So you still interact with them. And I definitely found myself being shorter.

• 34:00Dax Shepard?

  Well, just like the butt stuff's very male, the moon chauvin's very female. I've never even heard of a dad doing it.

• 34:06Speaker 01

  I know, actually.

• 34:07Dax Shepard?

  Never heard of a female with a foreign object in her butt? I've never heard of a male that's a moon chauvin.

• 34:11Speaker 01

  I have heard of a female with a foreign object stuck up there.

• 34:15Dax Shepard?

  In the anus?

• 34:16Speaker 01

  Yes. But it was during sex. It wasn't like on their own playing.

• 34:22Dax Shepard?

  How could you have not told me this story?

• 34:24Speaker 01

  Somebody's story.

• 34:24Dax Shepard?

  Okay, alright.

• 34:26Speaker 06

  Well, to throw in an extra layer, I will say, I've worked pediatrics for a long time, and kids tend to go, like, penis vagina route. They don't tend to do the butt. I don't know what it is. But for that in the mix, to your point, the girls are usually, it's a vaginal thing. Not usually a rectal thing.

• 34:41Dax Shepard?

  And the boys are putting things in their urethra?

• 34:43Speaker 06

  I thankfully have only seen this once or twice, yes. The one that sticks out to me was a school age kid, eight or nine. It was a crayon.

• 34:51Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 34:51Dax Shepard?

  Oh, man.

• 34:52Speaker 01

  How?

• 34:53Dax Shepard?

  I know. Of all the areas of my body, the one that immediately can make me, like, fucking get a shiver is just the thought of anything in my urethra. I had a catheter this year. I was like, fuck this. This is way worse than any surgery I've gotten.

• 35:05Speaker 06

  I don't feel bad for dudes in the medical world all that often. With the cath, you have it a little bit rougher than me, too, I will admit.

• 35:12Dax Shepard?

  The thing is, is it's just like, there's so much, too. You feel like you have to pee for, in my case, four days straight. It's just a terrible feeling.

• 35:20Speaker 06

  It's not pleasant. I always feel bad. I will say, in the future, you have the option to have a numbing gel inserted.

• 35:25Dax Shepard?

  I don't know if you heard this story. That was phase one of the trauma, was the woman had my penis in her hand, and she's got this enorm- as you know, that numbing solution, there's like five ounces of it. It's not like a little top. It's like a huge syringe, and she's gonna squirt ounces of it into my urethra. And I can kind of feel she's wrestling with- Something I'm more distracted by the fact that a stranger's holding my penis. And then I hear a pop and I hear, oh, and all of it. It's like the plunger was stuck and then she just fucking turbo injected all five ounces into my penis in a millisecond. And I screamed, which I don't scream and she goes, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. That never happens. That's how we started my catheter.

• 36:08Speaker 06

  Not a good way to start. To your point, I have never used all of that gel.

• 36:13Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 36:14Dax Shepard?

  We did. I bet some is still in my fucking bladder. But alas, we've come for a foreign object in a butt story. So please set the stage for us.

• 36:23Speaker 06

  My only sadness is I only have one to tell you and we don't have time for all of them. There's so many.

• 36:28Dax Shepard?

  If you had to ballpark, how many do you think you've seen?

• 36:31Speaker 06

  12 years, maybe 20 to 30.

• 36:36Speaker 01

  Jesus.

• 36:36Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, wow.

• 36:37Speaker 06

  They often come in batches. I can't explain it.

• 36:39Dax Shepard?

  Like something's in the air?

• 36:40Speaker 06

  Or everyone's getting the same bad idea. I don't know. But yeah, so I'm in a big city, big trauma center, big ER, tons of patients in and out every day, a billion ambulances. This is 2021. It's post COVID. So we get an EMS call, ambulance is coming in. 80 year old male, abdominal pain, vitals are stable. And that's also all day, every day. Belly pain, fine, could be anything. Vitals are stable. Honestly, I kind of like check out. Great.

• 37:07Dax Shepard?

  You're autopilot.

• 37:08Speaker 06

  So get him into the room, the medics give their report and then at the end of it, the medic says, hey, can I talk to you in the hallway for a second? Now, this happens a lot. They have so much information. A lot of times it's like, hey, we were at the house and we think maybe social work should get involved. There's neglect happening. We saw a pile of drugs. Factor that into your differential. Like they have very helpful information. And in this case, she said, I have two things to tell you. One is that in route, he updated his chief complaint, which is that he inserted something rectally a couple of days ago. He thinks that's causing his pain.

• 37:41Speaker 01

  Couple of days ago.

• 37:44Dax Shepard?

  I mean, this is the shame you're dealing with. You're just sitting there for two days debating whether or not.

• 37:49Speaker 01

  Or at first you like it.

• 37:51Dax Shepard?

  Now, I think, I think, I think you're hopeful you might poop it out.

• 37:55Speaker 01

  Oh, sure.

• 37:55Dax Shepard?

  I don't know, I'm guessing.

• 37:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 37:57Dax Shepard?

  You're like, I'm gonna ride this out for a couple of days, because I can't deal with the shame of this. Let's see if it comes out naturally. And then you're like, fuck.

• 38:03Speaker 06

  So the other piece of this, what she said of note, also his wife died recently.

• 38:07Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 38:10Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 38:11Dax Shepard?

  That's the permanent going out of town.

• 38:12Speaker 01

  It is.

• 38:13Dax Shepard?

  We have found, we have found Lucy that almost all of these stories involve the wife was out of town.

• 38:19Speaker 06

  I was listening to that one the other day, and I was like, this is why married men are longer.

• 38:24Speaker 01

  She went really far out of town.

• 38:27Dax Shepard?

  She went permanently out of town, and he's like, fuck, let's get going, okay.

• 38:30Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 38:30Dax Shepard?

  That's terrible.

• 38:32Speaker 06

  You read the room. Sometimes people need like a little joking, like, hey, what are you thinking? You know, break the ice, make him more comfortable. This guy, I was like, I feel so sad for you.

• 38:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:41Speaker 06

  He is clearly so embarrassed. And I was like, we're gonna get this out, sir. Like, it's gonna be fine. And actually, you want to pick a name for him? I feel like he needs like an old man name.

• 38:51Dax Shepard?

  George.

• 38:51Speaker 06

  I'm like, all right, George, so we'll start some blood work, we'll get some urine samples, standard abdominal pain stuff, we'll get some imaging.

• 38:57Dax Shepard?

  Do you offer him any painkillers?

• 38:59Speaker 06

  Doctor offers him some, but at this point, he's mostly uncomfortable. Like, he wants to like be in a certain position, but yeah, that definitely gets offered. But he's very like eight-year-old stoic. He's like, nope, just get it out. Honestly, I mostly appreciate that he didn't lie to us. It wastes a lot less time.

• 39:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:13Speaker 06

  Imaging comes back. You can't really exactly tell what anything is, but you can kind of rule out the dangerous stuff. So really, the ER doctor is just looking at, is this safe to remove in the ER? So it's not glass, it's not metal, it doesn't seem to be sharp, it's all one piece. So he's like, great, we can take it out here.

• 39:29Dax Shepard?

  Or explosive, we've had that one. Someone put a butane tank up their ass, yeah.

• 39:33Speaker 06

  I've seen some errors on, there's definitely things that they get punted at the OR, and they're like, this is not an ER problem. They have to deal with a lot of shit up there. I feel bad for the OR. At this point, doctor's like, great, we'll take it out. He offers the patient sedation, pain meds. A lot of people need something to help get through this experience and tolerate it. And George was just like, nope, get it out. And honestly, the ER doc, they're all kind of like cowboys, so they're like, sweet, I like get to do a procedure and just do it and like be done with it. So I go grab my Friend, one of the other nurses I grabbed, Jason, and I'm like, hey, can you help me or something? Everyone thankfully is such a team player. They don't even ask what they're signing up for. He was just like, yeah, cool. I'm coming. And on the way I was like, it's okay. It's a rectal foreign body. So we all get in there. George is on his side.

• 40:15Speaker 06

  Doc gets a glove. He gets just a whole bunch of lube and goes for it. More maybe a minute into this, but he's already found it. He can reach it, which is great. He can feel it. He can kind of get his hand around it.

• 40:28Dax Shepard?

  Can I quickly ask you, did the man ever tell you what object was in there?

• 40:32Speaker 06

  No, they never.

• 40:32Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. Okay. Great. Great. Great. Great. So it's a mystery.

• 40:35Speaker 06

  Mystery. They're always like, I don't know. It's just like something.

• 40:37Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I fell down. I don't know what's up there. I fell.

• 40:40Speaker 06

  As if we're not gonna see it in five minutes.

• 40:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:42Speaker 06

  So he can feel it and he's like, all right, I have my hand around it. But as I'm sure you've discovered in hearing all of these three, that one problem is the slipperiness factor in the grip. One factor is like the suction.

• 40:51Dax Shepard?

  The back pressure.

• 40:52Speaker 01

  Yeah. The suction's so interesting.

• 40:55Speaker 06

  I mean, it's good in that if your rectal sphincter was open, you wouldn't just like want everything in there to fall out.

• 41:00Speaker 01

  Exactly. Yes, you would not.

• 41:02Speaker 06

  In this case, it's unfortunate. So Doc is in there and he's like trying to grab it and he can't do it. Finally, he takes his hand out. We like give the patient a break. Sweet little George is like, just do it. I got this. And so I'm now thinking, I don't think this is gonna go well. Like you didn't have a grip on it at first and I'm like, I don't think this is gonna work. But the doc is so like, nope, I'm ready. And there's plenty of instruments he could try. There's other options and things that he's like, no, I know I can do it. Second time hand goes in and at this point I look down and he is truly elbow deep in this man.

• 41:34Dax Shepard?

  In a senior.

• 41:35Speaker 01

  Going for it. Oh.

• 41:37Dax Shepard?

  Wow. God bless.

• 41:55Dax Shepard?

  Really quick, when I'm working on things mechanically and I get frustrated, I start going like, I fucking motherfucker. Have you ever heard doctor just start letting, I was like, fuck you, son of a bitch. Are they like stifling any of that chatter that men do when they're working on stuff?

• 42:11Speaker 06

  It happens more when the patient is sedated, I would say.

• 42:14Dax Shepard?

  Okay, okay.

• 42:14Speaker 06

  They like police themselves a little more when you're awake.

• 42:17Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 42:18Speaker 06

  About thirty seconds into this, I am now thinking, this isn't gonna happen. Cause at this point, he's leaned in, he's still elbow deep. This doctor is like ripped and he is in a T-shirt, which is only relevant because I can see that his shoulder and his bicep like, at this point, I'm about to ask him to stop because I'm like, you're gonna dislocate your shoulder trying to get this out.

• 42:37Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 42:37Speaker 06

  He is crying so hard. As soon as I'm about to say this, we just hear this perfect little like, just comes right out. He's now holding this thing in his hand and we all kind of are looking at like, it feels like someone's just giving birth. George is just like, he got this thing out, everyone's tired, the doctor's exhausted and he's holding it. I can only describe it as, he's holding like a six inches wide by eight inches long. Piece of a wooden banister.

• 43:06Dax Shepard?

  A banister.

• 43:07Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 43:08Speaker 06

  I can't say for sure, maybe he was like a woodworker, but it is kind of the shape of a bishop in a chest set.

• 43:14Dax Shepard?

  Oh yeah.

• 43:15Speaker 06

  But huge wooden, it's covered in like obviously stool, but also some blood.

• 43:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:20Speaker 06

  So not a gentle removal and also didn't look perfectly sanded, to be honest. A little splintering going on.

• 43:28Dax Shepard?

  I know, if I gotta pick a material to insert my butt, wood is just after glass.

• 43:33Speaker 01

  And he's been pulling on it, so splinters everywhere.

• 43:37Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, but it might've been those splinters that got him his found purchase.

• 43:40Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 43:41Dax Shepard?

  Might've saved him.

• 43:41Speaker 06

  So the doctor now is just like, sweet. So he just throws it in a specimen bag, chucks it on the counter. It's like this clear bag you put labs in. He throws it on the counter, tosses his glove and walks out of the room. And of course, my coworker Jason's like, all right, I got other patients. He leaves, so it's just me and George. And I was like, okay, I'm just gonna let you rest for a little while. You know, we're gonna keep him overnight because there was blood and he's old. So I go back to other things. Maybe an hour later, I get a call from security says, hey, you have a patient for room 20, for George's room. I said, okay, want to go chat with him, see if it's okay for him to come back. It's his nephew and I get up to walk and before I can even hang up the phone, I see somebody walking down the hallway and I hear them ask about room 20. I have not yet made it to the room.

• 44:23Speaker 06

  All I'm thinking is that bag and that bloody, stupid mess is on the counter.

• 44:27Dax Shepard?

  Oh, the evidence is in plain sight.

• 44:30Speaker 06

  I like dart into the room. I say, hey, your nephew's coming. They live together. This is who takes care of him. And as I'm saying this, I see the patient's face like poor George is just like, oh God, like someone's coming. So I just positioned myself so I'm now between the door and the object. So I'm standing in front of it against the wall. Door opens, nephew comes in and he's like, oh my God, like Uncle George, what's going on? Are you okay? What's been happening? And so I just tell him, hey, we ran blood work, urine sample, his vitals are okay. We're waiting on some imaging to come back. Which was true.

• 45:02Dax Shepard?

  Sure, yeah, mostly true.

• 45:03Speaker 06

  Bear in mind, his aunt just died, so he's probably thinking like, oh my God, this is part two. Like I'm gonna lose both of them. He's panicking. But I'm also like, I can't tell him what it was. It is George's story to share. At some point nephew just looks at me and he goes, okay, do you have any idea what could be causing this abdominal pain? Like what's going on? Cause it was like a neighbor called him to come in. You know, we saw an ambulance take your uncle away. He has no idea. I'm now backed up against the bag and I'm holding this bag against my back. Cause we're all very close in this room. And I just said, I have absolutely no idea. Could be anything.

• 45:37Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, great.

• 45:39Speaker 06

  I just kind of like slid sideways out of the room, like dropped it in the trash on the way home.

• 45:42Speaker 01

  Oh, nice.

• 45:43Speaker 06

  And I don't know that he actually ever found out what happened.

• 45:46Speaker 01

  Oh, and so we still don't know exactly what it was.

• 45:50Dax Shepard?

  Meaning like we didn't ask George, like, hey, where did this thing come from?

• 45:54Speaker 01

  Like, why'd you, what does it mean? Why like?

• 45:57Dax Shepard?

  What's the significance? Why are you in love with?

• 45:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:59Dax Shepard?

  I think George should have sent you Christmas cards.

• 46:01Speaker 06

  I feel like I did him a solid.

• 46:03Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 46:04Speaker 01

  You definitely did.

• 46:04Dax Shepard?

  You were a great wingman in that situation.

• 46:07Speaker 06

  I tried. I will say anytime I've ever asked somebody why, it's never a satisfying answer. It's always like, I was on drugs or I don't know.

• 46:15Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 46:15Speaker 01

  Not even why, but like.

• 46:17Dax Shepard?

  Where'd that come from?

• 46:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 46:18Dax Shepard?

  Where'd I get one? That's how you could trick him. Oh, I love this. Where did you get this? What is it?

• 46:26Dax Shepard?

  The other thing I think you could have said to the nephew is you could have just said like, oh yeah, you know, he had severe stool blockage, which is true. There's no way they he could have shipped

• 46:35Speaker 01

  That's a good idea.

• 46:37Dax Shepard?

  Knoll post. Is that what it's called? Knoll?

• 46:40Speaker 01

  I don't know what that is.

• 46:41Speaker 06

  That is actually a great answer. I will say any object, young people tend to do sex toys like vibrators, stuff that doesn't have a flared base, but like the object itself is like safe material.

• 46:51Speaker 01

  Right.

• 46:51Speaker 06

  Every single fucking piece of like wood, glass, whatever has been a patient over the age of 65.

• 46:57Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 46:58Dax Shepard?

  Yes. What I was saying at the beginning, these are generally older dudes that feel like they've been, either they've been getting away with it forever.

• 47:06Speaker 01

  Right.

• 47:06Dax Shepard?

  Or B, it's not their first trip and they're acting like it's their first trip. But I, I'm more inclined to think it's like, it's just been ruminating in the back of their mind for years that they want to try it. And then at some point they go, okay, we're gonna do this finally.

• 47:19Speaker 01

  Yeah. Or like because it was so old.

• 47:22Dax Shepard?

  Do you think this is my future?

• 47:23Speaker 01

  No, because I think it's because they were so old. They think dildos are made of wood and glass.

• 47:29Speaker 06

  I do think they need some education.

• 47:31Speaker 01

  Yeah. They're like, I don't want to go buy one at the store, but this is the same.

• 47:35Dax Shepard?

  Well.

• 47:36Speaker 01

  This banister.

• 47:36Dax Shepard?

  There's a ton of variety in these stories. One is like, yeah, they're too embarrassed to go buy a dildo. So they just try to find an object. That makes sense. We've heard a lot of these where there's some other thing going on. The danger part is clearly part of the eroticism. Cause it's like, there's no way you put that in your butt. That couldn't have been the best option.

• 47:54Speaker 01

  This one seems like he really just wanted to feel it.

• 47:57Dax Shepard?

  He just loves wood. He's a woodworker.

• 47:59Speaker 01

  Well.

• 47:59Dax Shepard?

  He might've made it on a lathe. He might've like been working on that thing. He had his lathe there. What are you doing, Grandpa George? I'm just making a new post. I'm gonna give it to Mike for Christmas this year.

• 48:11Speaker 01

  Oh my God.

• 48:13Speaker 06

  I did hate that there was so much shame involved. My husband's an ER nurse too. And he was like, oh, I bet his wife was like helping him with that for many years. I'm like, no, they would have had like a dildo if that were the case.

• 48:23Dax Shepard?

  Yes. They would have had a good system.

• 48:25Speaker 01

  Well, maybe he was like, she used to do that for me and she's gone. So now I have to do it myself.

• 48:30Dax Shepard?

  He buried her with the vibrator?

• 48:31Speaker 01

  No, I thought, I was like, at first I thought this was gonna go to a really crazy place where he like stuck the urn up there.

• 48:37Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 48:38Speaker 01

  There were ashes. Well, you know, yeah.

• 48:42Speaker 06

  That's so much more horrifying.

• 48:44Dax Shepard?

  I wanted to scatter her ashes in her favorite place, my ass.

• 48:50Dax Shepard?

  It was either Lake Winnipesaukee or my anus. I went with my anus and I regret it.

• 48:54Speaker 06

  It's what she wanted.

• 48:56Dax Shepard?

  It's what she would have wanted. Lucy, that's a lovely story.

• 48:59Speaker 06

  Good job.

• 49:00Dax Shepard?

  And you're a hero and you're a good wingman and you deserve some credit for that.

• 49:05Speaker 06

  Thank you. My lovely cousin Suzanne and my friend Carly are both big arm cherries and I know they will be listening.

• 49:10Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 49:11Speaker 06

  Shout out. First question they asked was, did I think I was gonna shit myself on camera talking to you guys?

• 49:17Dax Shepard?

  Have you done that? We have no way of knowing.

• 49:18Speaker 06

  No, but I did have the thought, if that happened, I feel like I would just own up to it and I think Dax would kind of be happy about it.

• 49:24Dax Shepard?

  Cause it just screams confidence.

• 49:26Speaker 01

  Oh, if you say it, yeah.

• 49:27Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's kinda gangster, you know?

• 49:31Speaker 06

  But I wanna say thank you to you guys. You guys came with me on my whole travel nursing journey. It started on my way to Austin. I had two days to kill and I was like, I love parenthood. I guess I'll like come over and see what Cross was up to.

• 49:41Dax Shepard?

  Sure.

• 49:42Speaker 06

  Monica, thank you for being willing to talk about being a single person existing in a world full of relationship. Like I was like mid, late twenties and I had not so much as kissed a boy when we first started listening. And so hearing you be able to talk about it and share kind of that perspective really openly was really lovely. And even though I'm married now, it has continued to be lovely and I still feel like, thank God, like someone's speaking up for the single people still.

• 50:06Speaker 01

  Oh, thank you. I'm glad.

• 50:09Dax Shepard?

  Well, we like you. We're very grateful you're an arm cherry.

• 50:12Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 50:13Dax Shepard?

  All right. Well, be well and thanks for doing what you do.

• 50:15Speaker 01

  Yes, thank you.

• 50:16Speaker 06

  Thank you guys so much. This was fun.

• 50:18Dax Shepard?

  All right, take care.

• 50:20Speaker 01

  Hello?

• 50:21Dax Shepard?

  Josie?

• 50:22Speaker 07

  Hello?

• 50:22Dax Shepard?

  You're in your closet, which is fantastic.

• 50:24Speaker 07

  Yes, I follow the rules.

• 50:25Dax Shepard?

  Monica, I appreciate it.

• 50:26Speaker 01

  Sounds so good.

• 50:28Dax Shepard?

  So silky. Where in the country are you? You don't have to be super specific.

• 50:33Speaker 07

  Yeah, I'll keep it vague just for patient privacy. I'm in the northwestern quadrant of the US.

• 50:37Dax Shepard?

  Okay, wonderful, wonderful. You're our second Northwest caller today.

• 50:42Speaker 01

  The other one's story wasn't in the Northwest, so that's...

• 50:45Dax Shepard?

  She just was currently practicing. You're right, you're right, you're right. I assume you're in medicine?

• 50:49Speaker 07

  Yes, I've been a nurse for 11 years and always like in a... Larger metropolitan area.

• 50:53Dax Shepard?

  Where the action is?

• 50:55Speaker 07

  Yeah, where the action is.

• 50:56Dax Shepard?

  I don't want to use the wrong word here, but are you a bit of an arousal junkie?

• 51:00Speaker 07

  Yes, being a nurse, you see some shit. The messiness of being human is on full display.

• 51:05Dax Shepard?

  Apex.

• 51:06Speaker 07

  It just excites me. Like, whenever I see something really shocking, I'm immediately like, okay, this is a story. I can't wait to get off work and tell my husband about this. So, yeah, I love that kind of stuff.

• 51:15Dax Shepard?

  I couldn't do the job for so many reasons because it's the hardest job in America. That's why we love the nurses. There'd be so much, like, duty stuff that would be hard for me. But I am also drawn to it because I think the excitement and how quickly a shift, I imagine, goes by. Does it just blow by?

• 51:30Speaker 07

  Totally. Because I work 12-hour shifts, and if I work, like, an eight or something, I feel like I'm barely there. I mean, I've done so many, like, nasty things. Like, I make the joke, like, if I wear gloves, I can touch anything.

• 51:41Dax Shepard?

  All you need is your gloves. And then, just quickly, if you had to ballpark, how many foreign objects in body have you seen in 11 years?

• 51:49Speaker 07

  More than five, I'd say. Like, I've seen multiple rectum swallowing is like a really big thing. People swallow stuff. I've seen urethral sounding. I had a guy that was putting objects through his urethra to masturbate.

• 52:01Speaker 01

  Oh, to masturbate?

• 52:04Speaker 07

  Yeah, so, yeah, like, pens, and he was getting all kinds of infections because of it.

• 52:09Speaker 07

  People do wild things.

• 52:11Speaker 01

  So he put a ballpoint pen in there and then jerked off with the pen in there?

• 52:15Speaker 07

  It's a thing. We, like, Googled it afterwards. And then, I mean, like, I had a lady who was injecting meth in her butt.

• 52:20Dax Shepard?

  Wow. Okay, so please tell us about this particular story.

• 52:24Speaker 07

  Okay, so, like I said, I've been a nurse 11 years, and this is one of those shifts where, right away, I got report, and I was like, here's a story. So, when you're a nurse, you come in for your shift, and you get report from the previous nurse, and they tell you everything about your patients. And this nurse just kind of gets right into it. You know, she goes, this is a young adult female.

• 52:44Dax Shepard?

  It's our first female!

• 52:45Speaker 01

  It's our first.

• 52:46Speaker 07

  Came into the emergency department with complaints of putting multiple razor blades

• 52:53Speaker 07

  and inserting it into her vagina.

• 52:57Speaker 07

  And then she super glued it shut.

• 52:59Speaker 01

  I gotta go.

• 53:01Dax Shepard?

  Super. Gluted shot.

• 53:04Speaker 07

  She's super glued the vaginal opening and then the labia majora all the way together.

• 53:09Dax Shepard?

  She was so mad. She's gonna pack it full of razor blades and seal it up for good.

• 53:14Speaker 01

  I can't, I can't, I can't.

• 53:16Speaker 07

  And imagine like if you did crunches or like bend.

• 53:22Speaker 07

  No kegels, yeah.

• 53:23Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so just wait, I gotta back up, I gotta back up. We're still clear, so we still don't have a female rectal. I feel like I know the world a little better now, okay? I wasn't prepared for a female, you know, okay. Holy smokes.

• 53:35Speaker 01

  I'd rather have razor blades up the ass than the vagina.

• 53:39Dax Shepard?

  I think there's more room in your vagina.

• 53:41Speaker 01

  No, it's so tender, Mo.

• 53:43Dax Shepard?

  Well, it certainly is, and that's why we like going there. Um, but you also can pass a baby head through there. I don't know, I don't know what's better or worse.

• 53:52Speaker 01

  I hate this.

• 53:54Speaker 07

  And usually people are kind of shy and like secretive when they first come into the emergency department with a foreign object, right? Like they're embarrassed. She just came right out and said it, even though her lips were sealed.

• 54:06Dax Shepard?

  Oh, really quick, so you said twenties?

• 54:08Speaker 07

  Yeah, young adult female. I don't want to get too into the weeds.

• 54:11Dax Shepard?

  But I guess what I want to know is, did you get a read immediately? Like, did you have a sense that the person was sane or not?

• 54:16Speaker 07

  So we're gonna get to it.

• 54:17Dax Shepard?

  Okay, okay, sorry, sorry, sorry.

• 54:19Speaker 07

  I don't want to spoil that, so. This is a medical emergency because she couldn't pee. So she's complaining that her bladder's super full. And we did a bladder scan, which is like a ultrasound device, a little wand, you just wave over their bladder. Zach, you probably had one when you had your little incident.

• 54:33Dax Shepard?

  I'm having PTSD hearing about it, yeah.

• 54:34Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah, so it was very full, so we need to address this right away. I think it just became clear, this is gonna be too painful, too complicated to do in the emergency department. So they had to book an OR, put her under general anesthesia. And there are solvents and things that can help disintegrate the glue. But the vagina, like we said, it's like a sensitive mucous membrane. So imagine like acetone or something on your vagina.

• 54:56Dax Shepard?

  Like gooby gone.

• 54:58Speaker 07

  It would burn so bad. So I don't know like if they used a scalpel or what. I wasn't in there, but I know that there was no wound or stitches or anything afterwards. They were able to separate it, put a catheter in, drain the bladder and all is well. You know, they could take the catheter right out. It didn't have to stay in. And then she came up to the post-op floor where I was working and I took care of her from there.

• 55:17Dax Shepard?

  I have a bad habit of getting ahead, but did they address the razor blades while they were under?

• 55:20Speaker 07

  Of course.

• 55:21Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so we put the speculum in and then they found the razor blades.

• 55:25Speaker 07

  I guess not too much damage actually either there. So, yeah, she got lucky. So the why, which is like everyone wants to know is, this is a ding ding ding. She had munchausen's.

• 55:35Speaker 01

  Whoa.

• 55:36Speaker 07

  Stop it.

• 55:37Dax Shepard?

  Monica, this is an all in one.

• 55:39Speaker 01

  My brain.

• 55:40Dax Shepard?

  And CTE?

• 55:43Dax Shepard?

  Induced by CTE.

• 55:44Speaker 01

  My brain feels crazy because also.

• 55:46Dax Shepard?

  Second time it came up today.

• 55:47Speaker 01

  Exactly. Second time munchausen's came up today and we haven't talked about munchausen's in so long.

• 55:53Dax Shepard?

  How do you start figuring that part out?

• 55:54Speaker 07

  To define munchausen's, for any listeners that don't know, it's a psychological condition where a person purposely and intentionally hurts themselves or fakes an illness or causes an injury with the primary motivation to get care from hospital staff. So they want the care and attention is like the main point or from like family.

• 56:10Dax Shepard?

  It's kind of sad when you're like.

• 56:12Speaker 01

  Of course it's sad.

• 56:13Speaker 07

  Pretty immediately, I like am able to empathize and it's just like a young person too, right? So childhood's not that far away. And like I'm a mom. So like I'm just picturing like this was a little kid who somehow learned this is the best means to get attention and love.

• 56:27Dax Shepard?

  We've seen, yeah.

• 56:28Speaker 07

  But still, these people cause like a ton of wreckage. They hurt themselves. They hurt people around them. It's like an expense to the hospital system. Like we have to address all this. So with munchausen's, there's a really specific treatment plan too. So the psychiatrist had a note in her chart that told us exactly how to treat her. So you don't admit to inpatient psych because that would just further reinforce the drive to hurt themselves. Keep conversations, super surface level. Do not get emotional. Don't get personal. Don't give her a ton of attention. Don't help with any activities of daily living. Like don't wipe or feed her. She might manipulate you into trying to do things like that. Minimal interaction. Make it as least stimulating as possible. Possible, just kind of get in, get out.

• 57:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, wow, so fascinating.

• 57:11Speaker 01

  I know.

• 57:12Speaker 07

  And it's a lot of mental gymnastics as a nurse because like we're just used to being like a caregiver. So it was very different. Oh, the other thing is there was like some kind of suicide precautions. So like we had to remove anything from the room she could hurt herself with. But we didn't do a one to one staff because we didn't want her to have that much attention. So we had her on a camera room, but then we didn't tell her she was on a camera room because we don't want her to know she had like any special treatment or anything.

• 57:32Dax Shepard?

  They tie up, you guys are walking.

• 57:34Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 57:35Dax Shepard?

  You think you're dealing with one thing, razor blades in a vagina. And now you're dealing with now moon job, like much bigger project.

• 57:41Speaker 01

  But how did you know she had munchausen?

• 57:43Dax Shepard?

  It was in her chart.

• 57:44Speaker 07

  It was in her chart. Yeah.

• 57:44Speaker 01

  Oh, because she had been there many times.

• 57:47Speaker 07

  Yeah. So the story goes on. I'm taking care of her on the post op floor and then pretty early on in the shift around lunchtime, I get a discharge order. So I go in the room and I tell her, hey, you're going to discharge. I print out her paperwork and she calls family and says it's going to be like an hour or two until they come. And she asked if she could have her homework because she's in school and was a student. So I'm thinking like, ooh, like I don't really trust this person, but also I don't know, she has a rough life. Like, I don't want to hinder life anymore.

• 58:16Dax Shepard?

  You don't know what part's going to be a payoff for her. Yeah.

• 58:19Speaker 07

  Right. And so I was like, okay, well, I'm thinking like the doctor gave her the discharge order, discontinued some of those suicide precautions. I still have her in a camera room, so I was like, okay, I'll just be careful. So I go and I unlock the cabinet. I take out her backpack and she tells me which binder she wants and textbook. And I'm like, okay, and I give her one pen and the pen I was worried about, I'm like, ooh, it's this pen.

• 58:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:40Speaker 07

  Then I looked through all the pages of the binder and the textbook. I even like picked them up and I shook them to see if anything would fall out. It seems safe, so I'm like, okay, this is going to be okay. And I let her have them and I leave the room. I'm not even kidding, two minutes later, she hit the call light and says, I swallowed a razor blade.

• 58:58Speaker 01

  What? Wait, what?

• 59:01Dax Shepard?

  I swallowed a razor blade.

• 59:03Speaker 01

  Also, how?

• 59:04Dax Shepard?

  She somehow had razor blades in her Trapper Keeper.

• 59:07Speaker 01

  She even after you shook it, what the fuck? Oh, my God.

• 59:12Dax Shepard?

  She had like a contingency plan.

• 59:14Speaker 01

  Ew, this is so scary, actually.

• 59:18Speaker 07

  So I go in the room and I'm like, okay, don't make a big reaction, right? You don't want to give her attention and I'll have emotion. So I just go in and I was like, hey, what happened? She goes, I swallowed a razor blade. And I was like, where did you get it? And she shows me, you know, like a three ring binder, how it has that thin, plastic lining, like over the cardboard cover. So there was like a one inch slit in the seam.

• 59:38Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 59:38Speaker 07

  And she like shows it to me and she goes, I hid razor blades in here.

• 59:41Speaker 01

  I feel very scared.

• 59:43Speaker 07

  I just like, okay, well, I want to call the doctor. I called the doctor and she's like, one of my favorite doctors. So she's super cool about it and she was just like, Jesus Christ. Orders a chest X ray and clear as day, just razor blade right in the esophagus. You could see it.

• 59:55Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my gosh. How do we get that out of there?

• 59:58Speaker 07

  So we had to cancel her discharge and then they did an EGD. They can just put something down there with the scope and then pull it out.

• 1:00:05Dax Shepard?

  I cannot believe this woman didn't have massive bleeding on either end.

• 1:00:09Speaker 01

  I know.

• 1:00:10Speaker 07

  Sometimes these people just come in like repeatedly with these like self harm behaviors over and over. So it's super sad.

• 1:00:15Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that would be the hard, that would be hard for me to navigate in your job is like when you know it's going to be repetitive. I don't know how I'd handle that. I would be resentful at those people. I mean, that's what it would be. I think on their third trip, I'd be like, fuck this dude. There are people that are really, you know, it'd be hard.

• 1:00:31Speaker 07

  It's really hard to keep boundaries, but also like you have to treat someone whenever they come into the emergency room, like you have to get the razor blade out.

• 1:00:37Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. The only thing that's new about this from my previous understanding of Munchausen was just like, I thought they were trying to act like it was an act of nature or God, but there's no way someone gets razor blades in their throat in there.

• 1:00:51Speaker 01

  Well, she said I swallowed it.

• 1:00:52Dax Shepard?

  I know.

• 1:00:53Speaker 01

  I know. I thought the same thing.

• 1:00:54Dax Shepard?

  It's like, you can't be faking.

• 1:00:56Speaker 07

  Yeah, maybe they fake it more with family. I'm not sure. And then hospital staff, it's just like really apparent, but people get really good and creative. And like you said, like, it's really common among healthcare workers, people that are really good at navigating the system. I think they're like the most successful at it.

• 1:01:09Dax Shepard?

  Nurses have like the highest rate. Yeah.

• 1:01:14Speaker 01

  From beginning to end, that was horrifying.

• 1:01:17Dax Shepard?

  There's so much to be grateful for that you just aren't. Like, I'm not at all needing Munchausen's to feel seen.

• 1:01:25Speaker 01

  I know.

• 1:01:26Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 1:01:26Speaker 01

  Swallowing razor blades.

• 1:01:28Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. It's so extreme.

• 1:01:31Speaker 01

  To me, I'm like, this is Munchausen's mixed with psychopathy. I mean, looking you in the face and saying, this is where I hid it. That is Silence of the Lambs.

• 1:01:41Speaker 07

  There was like a weird vibe, for sure.

• 1:01:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:44Dax Shepard?

  Oh, well, Josie, this has been a delight. Yeah, thank you so much.

• 1:01:47Speaker 07

  Yeah, thank you, guys. It was so good to talk to you and have a good rest of your day.

• 1:01:51Dax Shepard?

  All right. Take care. Carry on the good work.

• 1:01:53Speaker 07

  All right. See ya.

• 1:01:54Speaker 01

  Bye.

• 1:01:55Dax Shepard?

  I'm gonna ask you a question and it's not gonna go well.

• 1:01:59Speaker 01

  All right.

• 1:01:59Dax Shepard?

  I'm still gonna ask you.

• 1:02:00Speaker 01

  Oh, I love when you choose that.

• 1:02:02Dax Shepard?

  It's like I can't resist my impulse control, I guess.

• 1:02:04Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 1:02:05Dax Shepard?

  That Ohio guess, when I knew he was in Ohio.

• 1:02:09Speaker 01

  That was, I gave that to you.

• 1:02:10Dax Shepard?

  I know. I'm now wondering, is there's.

• 1:02:13Speaker 01

  Something wrong with you?

• 1:02:13Dax Shepard?

  Well, just, that was crazy.

• 1:02:15Speaker 01

  It was Sim. It was Guessy.

• 1:02:17Dax Shepard?

  But like, I knew Ohio.

• 1:02:19Speaker 01

  So what are you thinking?

• 1:02:20Dax Shepard?

  I don't know. I just think it needs more thought on my end.

• 1:02:24Speaker 01

  Why? It's not bad. It's cool.

• 1:02:26Dax Shepard?

  I like it. Yeah, I'm just wondering, like, what leads to that decision?

• 1:02:30Speaker 01

  Why'd you pick it?

• 1:02:31Dax Shepard?

  That's what I'm wrestling with right now. It's like, I just looked at that room and him and I was like, I think we're in Ohio. Like, I could just feel that we were in Ohio.

• 1:02:39Speaker 01

  Yeah. Was it like his beard?

• 1:02:41Dax Shepard?

  He was a factor, but the room was a huge factor.

• 1:02:44Speaker 01

  The room?

• 1:02:44Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 1:02:45Speaker 01

  How could the room be a factor?

• 1:02:46Dax Shepard?

  I know. I'm agreeing with, that's what I'm wrestling with right now.

• 1:02:49Speaker 01

  I know. I don't want you to wrestle because I think you should just be like, wow, I have a power like Ricky has where he can do that thing with the acronyms.

• 1:02:57Dax Shepard?

  TTRD or whatever.

• 1:02:58Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 1:02:58Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:59Speaker 01

  He can do that. You can do this. You're just really good at thin slicing location.

• 1:03:04Dax Shepard?

  I think because I did travel so much for the car show thing.

• 1:03:07Speaker 01

  Maybe.

• 1:03:08Dax Shepard?

  And then doing movies. I don't know, something.

• 1:03:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, on the next fact check, I'm gonna just show you people in an environment and I'm gonna know where they are.

• 1:03:17Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:03:17Speaker 01

  Ooh, that's fun.

• 1:03:18Dax Shepard?

  I'm afraid to do that because, well, because I want to hang on to this a little bit and then that sounds like I'm gonna fail.

• 1:03:23Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:03:25Dax Shepard?

  It's like throwing out data you don't like.

• 1:03:27Speaker 01

  I get it. That's all right.

• 1:03:28Dax Shepard?

  All right. Love you.

• 1:03:32Speaker 03

  Do you want to sing a tune or something? We have a theme song.

• 1:03:35Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherry's book, it's a suggestion. On the fire, Rhindish. On the fire, Rhindish. Enjoy.

• 1:03:58Dax Shepard?

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• 1:04:42Dax Shepard?

  Roadside assistance plans provided by Allstate Motor Club, Incorporated, an Allstate affiliate.