Armchair Anonymous: Cruise Ship

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about a cruise ship disaster. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch new content on YouTube or listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free by joining Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Start your free trial by visiting wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ http://www.wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ now. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dax Shepard?

  Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard and this is Monica Padman.

• 0:05Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 0:06Dax Shepard?

  Hello. Today is cruise ships.

• 0:09Speaker 01

  Oof. Didn't make me want to go on a cruise. I'll tell you that.

• 0:14Dax Shepard?

  I know. We should have almost called Laura LeBeau as an antidote because she just went on a Viking cruise.

• 0:19Speaker 01

  And she loved it.

• 0:20Dax Shepard?

  At the time of her life.

• 0:21Speaker 01

  Oh, good. My parents have gone on a couple and they love it.

• 0:24Dax Shepard?

  She said she's not going to do any other cruise line though, after this experience. She said the food was absolutely outrageously good. Yeah, this one, uh, this one you can listen to, I think. You can listen to this one.

• 0:36Speaker 01

  Um, there's.

• 0:37Dax Shepard?

  Oh, no.

• 0:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, there's stuff.

• 0:38Dax Shepard?

  Chemical catarization.

• 0:39Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 0:41Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 0:41Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 0:42Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, but no, no, well, whatever. Fuck it. I don't know.

• 0:45Speaker 01

  Fluids.

• 0:46Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. All right. Please enjoy cruise ship stories. We get support from Quince.

• 0:51Speaker 01

  Okay. Can we talk about the fact that the holidays are already here? It's crazy. I feel like I blinked and now we're in gifting season, which I'm not really mad about because I do love giving gifts. And Quince is making it so easy to find something great for everyone on my list, including myself. Because let's be honest, self gifting is a love language.

• 1:10Dax Shepard?

  Quince is seriously the gift that keeps on giving. Their high quality staples are made with premium materials like 100% Mongolian cashmere, 14 karat gold and Italian leather, full on luxury quality at prices that won't wreck your holiday budget.

• 1:26Speaker 01

  It's the dream. The cashmere sweater is starting at $60, down jackets, wool outerwear, cashmere accessories. You and everyone on your list are staying cozy and looking incredible all season long.

• 1:37Dax Shepard?

  Well, I'm going to tell you this. It just got chilly for the first time this year in California and I'm so excited. And I'm wearing my Quince cashmere right now.

• 1:44Speaker 01

  It's great.

• 1:46Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. And I am going to gift this to some of my friends. I hope they're not listening.

• 1:50Speaker 01

  Quince is also more than clothing. They've got fine jewelry for your significant other, leather bags for your bestie, hotel quality bedding to set up your guest rooms, chef grade cookware. That's an amazing thing they offer here. And it's such a good gift because people don't like buying cookware for themselves, but it's very important. And they also have five star luggage. Other good gift that people don't like buying for themselves.

• 2:12Dax Shepard?

  Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. We get support from Gusto. So here's the thing about running a small business that nobody romanticizes. It's not the big idea that wears you down. It's the payroll, the tax filings, the wait, do I need workers comp for this stuff? That's the part that quietly eats away your whole afternoon, which is where Gusto comes in. Gusto is online payroll and benefits software built for small businesses.

• 2:57Dax Shepard?

  It's all in one, remote friendly and incredibly easy to use so you can pay onboard and support your team from anywhere. They handle automatic tax filing, direct deposits, health benefits, 401k, all of it. And you get unlimited payroll runs for one monthly price. No hidden fees, no surprises. If something tricky comes up, you've got direct access to certified HR experts who actually know what they're talking about. And they're ranked number one on G2's highest satisfaction products list for 2026 and trusted by over 500,000 small businesses. That's not nothing. Try Gusto today at gusto.com/dax and get three months free when you run your first payroll. That's three months of free payroll at gusto.com/dax. Again, that's gusto.com/dax.

• 4:06Dax Shepard?

  Hello Hal.

• 4:08Speaker 02

  Hello, it's nice to meet you.

• 4:10Dax Shepard?

  Is that your lover's blouse behind you or yours? Is it birds or flowers on the sleeves?

• 4:14Speaker 02

  It is my wife's. We are in my daughter's closet. You guys did the impossible. You got my daughter to clean up her closet.

• 4:21Speaker 01

  Oh wow.

• 4:22Speaker 02

  Just so I can talk to you.

• 4:23Dax Shepard?

  Well, you're welcome, I guess, because that's an impossible task.

• 4:26Speaker 02

  It is an impossible task, as you probably know that.

• 4:29Dax Shepard?

  Yes, how old is your daughter?

• 4:30Speaker 02

  I have two, just like you. I've got a ninth grader and a seventh grader, so I'm a couple of years ahead of you.

• 4:36Dax Shepard?

  Oh yeah, things are getting real busy.

• 4:39Speaker 02

  They are.

• 4:40Dax Shepard?

  Where are you at Hal?

• 4:41Speaker 02

  I am in Lloyd Harbor, New York. It's on Long Island.

• 4:44Dax Shepard?

  Oh, how far from the city?

• 4:46Speaker 02

  About 40 miles or so.

• 4:48Dax Shepard?

  If you want to go to like Montauk, how long of a trip is that for you?

• 4:52Speaker 02

  I'm on the North Shore of Long Island. Non-Talk's on the South and all the way out East. So it's a good hour and a half, two hours from here.

• 4:58Dax Shepard?

  That's not bad, though. You're two hours from paradise?

• 5:01Speaker 02

  Exactly. Although I'd say where we are is pretty Edenic as well.

• 5:05Dax Shepard?

  Edenic?

• 5:05Speaker 01

  I like that.

• 5:07Dax Shepard?

  Wow, that's a takeoff on Eden?

• 5:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:09Dax Shepard?

  Did you know it, Monica?

• 5:10Speaker 01

  I don't think I've heard it.

• 5:11Dax Shepard?

  Edenic?

• 5:12Speaker 01

  That's a good vocab word.

• 5:14Dax Shepard?

  That's going in my arsenal. Okay, so you have a crazy cruise ship story.

• 5:18Speaker 02

  I do. Can I set the stage a little bit first?

• 5:20Dax Shepard?

  Oh, you can set the fuck out of the stage, Hal.

• 5:24Speaker 02

  All right, this is about 2002. I'm a couple of years younger than you Dex, but basically the same age. I was in law school. It's our second year. And if you know anything about how law school works, after your first year, which is super intense, you try and get an internship in the fall of that year for the following summer. And so my friends and I, we all got our internships. So this was spring break of our second year of law school. And we're feeling pretty good, we're less stressed, we want to blow it out. So we book a cruise and it's for spring break. So it's on a party cruise line. For me, this is a big deal. I didn't get to go on many vacations growing up. I was on loans.

• 5:59Dax Shepard?

  And really quick, if you're on a budget, cruise is nice. Could you get the drink pass at that point?

• 6:04Speaker 02

  There was no drink pass.

• 6:06Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 6:06Speaker 02

  That hurt a lot. I didn't realize that was going to be a thing until the end of the cruise, when you get that bill. I get really sick the week before. It's a couple of days before we're supposed to leave and I don't think I can go. I've got fever, I can't swallow, I've got congestion, I'm just horrible. My buddy describes it, he came over to drop off a sandwich for me so I could eat. And he said he opened the door and it smelled and felt like death.

• 6:32Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 6:33Speaker 02

  It was basically that kind of situation. He immediately drops the sandwich and basically runs out. He goes and calls my other friend and you know when you have that friend who's kind of like the party guy, the motivator, the guy who's gonna get you to go and do something? He was that guy and he called me up and just gave me some tough love. He's like, you're going, there's no chance you're not, fix yourself. So I go, I grab some antibiotic and it kicks in about a day and a half later. I'm feeling a little bit better. If you take antibiotic, those labels on it tell you no sun.

• 7:03Speaker 01

  Uh oh.

• 7:03Speaker 02

  Living alcohol.

• 7:04Speaker 01

  Oh boy.

• 7:05Dax Shepard?

  No cruises, basically.

• 7:06Speaker 02

  Cruise maybe not the best choice, right? But I'm good to go, I'm going. We get to the cruise, you get on the first day and if you've taken a cruise, you're gonna go up to the top and you're gonna watch it disembark.

• 7:17Dax Shepard?

  Can I quickly ask, where is it taking off from and where will you be going?

• 7:21Speaker 02

  We're taking off out of Miami and we're going down to the Caribbean. So we're gonna hit like St. Thomas and St. Croix.

• 7:27Dax Shepard?

  Classic cruise.

• 7:29Speaker 02

  On the Carnival Cruise Line, so the classic cruise line as well. So we're up on the top and we're watching it leave and we've already got our first boat drinks in our hands, but remember, I'm not supposed to be in the sun.

• 7:41Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 7:42Speaker 02

  And I'm not supposed to have alcohol. And first day, I'm out on the deck, drinking alcohol and in the sun. I didn't realize this, but you don't feel the sun on the cruise, right? Cause you get all that wind from how fast you're going, so it feels pretty cool even when it's hot. But you see my pigmentation here, I am not somebody who tans easily. I burn almost immediately.

• 8:03Speaker 01

  Oh no.

• 8:03Speaker 02

  Which started to happen, but I realized, I said, all right, I better put some sunblock on. And at this point, I'm in that phase where I've had enough drinks where I think I'm pretty good at everything.

• 8:12Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 8:14Speaker 02

  I start putting my sunblock on, I think I've got good coverage, but the next day, I wake up and clearly I had just smeared sunblock kinda down the center of my chest and now I've got the worst sunburn I've ever had. And I think Wabi Wab has a picture.

• 8:30Dax Shepard?

  Let's take a gander at this sunburn.

• 8:34Dax Shepard?

  To say you're a lobster is just as spot on as it gets.

• 8:38Speaker 02

  And it's a really flattering picture, too.

• 8:40Dax Shepard?

  It's everything you want.

• 8:42Speaker 02

  We'll get to where that picture takes place, because that's two or three days later.

• 8:46Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 8:47Speaker 02

  I've got a beer in hand again. And at this point, you know that, first of all, my friends are giving me so much shit. I'm also the guy on the cruise who has this ridiculous sunburn. And so everybody's starting to know me as that guy with the sunburn. It also hurts, right? So I have to kind of shield myself from sun wherever I can. I'm in the shade. But two days later, I'm okay. I'm going out. It hadn't blistered yet. It hadn't started peeling yet, because that happened later. But we get to the beach on, I think it was St. Croix at this point. And we're feeling good. We're on the beach drinking a beer. You know, we start chatting up this group of women. We go into the water. This is all going super well. I'm feeling good. I'm in the water. I'm out of the sun, right? It's not hurting anymore. My antibiotic is taking care of everything it needs to take care of.

• 9:32Speaker 02

  And I'm talking to this pretty woman. This was long before my wife. And I stubbed my toe.

• 9:37Dax Shepard?

  In the water?

• 9:38Speaker 02

  In the water.

• 9:39Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 9:39Speaker 01

  Well, a shell.

• 9:40Speaker 02

  Maybe it's a shell. Maybe it's a piece of coral, something, right? I stubbed my toe. And it hurts, but I try not to think anything of it. And I just keep chatting up this woman. It starts to hurt some more. What is this? This really hurts. Now I'm like, kind of walking away from her and my buddy's chatting her up. And I pick my foot up out of the water, kind of trying to see if there's anything there, holding my toe. And my friend looks at me and says, what's all that black stuff on the bottom of your foot? And I say, I don't know. And then at that point, pain sets in like I've never felt before. I am writhing around. I'm screaming. Now I'm also scared because I have no idea what this is. So I started trying to get out of the water.

• 10:19Dax Shepard?

  Is it a burning pain or like an impact?

• 10:22Speaker 02

  It's a stinging, searing pain.

• 10:24Dax Shepard?

  Okay, uh huh.

• 10:25Speaker 02

  So I go hopping out of the water. And if you've ever tried to get out of the ocean on one foot, it's actually really hard.

• 10:32Dax Shepard?

  Sure.

• 10:32Speaker 02

  So now I'm like army crawling up the beach. My buddy tells me later that one of the girls I was talking to says, oh, does your friend always cry this much?

• 10:40Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 10:43Speaker 02

  I get up onto the beach. I'm holding my foot. I'm still kind of screaming about it. And a guy walks by and he looks down at my face. He said, oh, yeah, you stepped on a sea urchin. So I had kicked a sea urchin and it was. Extremely painful. I don't know if you've ever done that or have heard of anybody.

• 11:00Speaker 01

  Did you just do it?

• 11:01Dax Shepard?

  Funny enough, I just in Hawaii got five quills in my heel. They're still there. Just this morning, I'm like, when are these coming out?

• 11:09Speaker 02

  Yeah. So you found out that you kind of just let them dissolve?

• 11:13Dax Shepard?

  Well, my daughters thought you're gonna get poisoned and die. And I'm like, no, there's no way they're letting a snorkel in front of the hotel not saying they're poisonous. They ran it to the scuba guy and then he came and gave me vinegar and said,

• 11:24Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 11:25Dax Shepard?

  soak your foot in vinegar, that'll help it dissolve. I did that, they didn't dissolve. Anyway, sorry.

• 11:29Speaker 02

  No, no. So I'm with my buddy, he's that overachiever as a doctor and a lawyer and he was ER trained. So he says, I'll go back with you to the cruise ship and see what they'll do for it. Cause the guy that walked by said, I have to get them taken out, which as you know, is incorrect.

• 11:43Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 11:43Speaker 02

  So I'm waiting in the taxi. He's also the person who's gonna give you the most shit about anything and loves to tell stories. So he's telling everybody on the beach what happened to me. And then we go to the cruise. They told me I don't take any of them out. So then I just limped around for the next few hours. So that's sort of the end of sea urchin part.

• 11:58Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 11:59Speaker 02

  Now, there's a third part to this. So I think I'm in the clear. I'm starting to feel good later on and I'm like, all right, no more mistakes. Nothing's gonna happen anymore. I'm sitting at a table in a bar. Another one of my friends comes over with a couple of girls and they sit down and we're just chit chatting away. And I lean over to say something to her and I put my hand behind her chair and now I feel something in my hand.

• 12:22Speaker 01

  What?

• 12:23Speaker 02

  And so I pulled my hand out and it's covered in splinters and bleeding. It's everywhere. But now I am at a point in this cruise where I can't show any pain. I can't do anything that's gonna bring any more attraction. So I kind of just hide it away. But I wasn't fast enough because my friend saw it and he then goes, jumps up and goes and grabs all my other friends to come and look at me.

• 12:48Dax Shepard?

  Well, you've done this.

• 12:48Speaker 02

  So that they can then have another laugh at my expense for the rest of the time.

• 12:52Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 12:54Dax Shepard?

  This was a deck chair that just was scraggly on the back?

• 12:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was just beat up on the back and I didn't know it and just bad luck.

• 13:01Dax Shepard?

  I hate to be disparaging about Carnival, but let's get those deck chairs oiled and sanded.

• 13:06Speaker 01

  Yikes.

• 13:07Speaker 02

  They probably have over the last 25 years.

• 13:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, this is like, you don't really like my Ziggy reference because you didn't grow up reading Ziggy?

• 13:14Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, I don't know Ziggy.

• 13:15Dax Shepard?

  But you, do you remember Ziggy Hale?

• 13:16Speaker 02

  Of course.

• 13:17Dax Shepard?

  He was the cutest cartoon in everything that could go wrong that Ziggy did.

• 13:21Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 13:21Dax Shepard?

  This is really like Ziggy went on a cruise in a lot of ways.

• 13:25Speaker 02

  It was tough. Thankfully, nothing else really happened on the rest of the cruise that was bad, but it was enough that I took shit for the rest of the time. We repeated the cruise the next year. Thankfully, nothing happened.

• 13:36Dax Shepard?

  Well, I'm impressed you win again. I would be like, fuck that. Let's just go to one of these islands that we want to be at and just be there. Were there any gals on the boat that really took pity on you and to rescue you?

• 13:47Speaker 01

  I was gonna say, any nurses? Nurses would have been a great meet cute.

• 13:49Speaker 02

  No. I'm not that slick. Maybe I could have played it better and played it up a little bit, but I didn't play it a pity card very well.

• 13:56Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 13:58Dax Shepard?

  Well, that's a real shit cruise. And you didn't make out with anyone?

• 14:01Speaker 02

  Oh, let's not say that.

• 14:02Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay. Great. Okay.

• 14:04Speaker 01

  I thought you still came out on top.

• 14:06Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 14:06Speaker 02

  It was still a fun cruise, and it was still a spring break. You know, things happen.

• 14:10Dax Shepard?

  Great, great, great, great. So, net win, maybe?

• 14:13Speaker 02

  Net win, and I'm talking to you guys. That's a definite positive. And actually, Dax, I thought we weren't gonna hear from you guys on this story, and then I heard from Emma. I was in White Lake, Michigan.

• 14:23Dax Shepard?

  No!

• 14:24Speaker 02

  And it's the first time I've been to Michigan in maybe 16 years or so.

• 14:27Dax Shepard?

  What on earth were you doing in White Lake? So, I grew up in Highland, right next door, bordering White Lake.

• 14:32Speaker 02

  I didn't know that, but one of my good friends from growing up lives there. We see each other fairly often, but I had not visited him there. Emma reached out when I was actually visiting him for the first time in 16 years.

• 14:43Dax Shepard?

  Does he live on the lake?

• 14:44Speaker 02

  He does not. His in-laws do, though.

• 14:46Dax Shepard?

  Okay. Well, hell, delightful meeting you. God, did you give your buddies a gift. Truly, there's no better gift than like when one of your buddies can take the beating on everyone else's behalf.

• 14:56Speaker 02

  Totally. I think if it happened now, I would kind of take it like you do, Dax, and say, oh, this is gonna be a story one day. At 24 years old, I wasn't taking it that way. I took it pretty hard during the trip. So, if you don't mind, my family's waiting right out there. My older daughter was the one who encouraged me to submit for the prom, so they'd love to get on and meet you guys.

• 15:14Dax Shepard?

  Absolutely. Bring them in.

• 15:15Speaker 03

  Hi.

• 15:15Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 15:17Dax Shepard?

  Are you the owner of this closet?

• 15:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, and the computer, it's on. I'm Leila.

• 15:22Dax Shepard?

  Hi, Leila.

• 15:23Speaker 01

  We heard you cleaned just for us.

• 15:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, that is not something that happens often.

• 15:28Dax Shepard?

  Well, it looks great. I mean, it's ready for a photo shoot.

• 15:31Speaker 03

  Thanks. I just want to say I'm so excited to meet you guys. I saw this prompt, I was actually outside and I was re-listening to the beach stories where the guy stepped on the sea urchin. And I was thinking, oh, dad's story would be great to go on Armchair Anonymous. And then I looked right then and there was a cruise ship story.

• 15:51Speaker 01

  Whoa.

• 15:51Speaker 03

  And so I ran inside.

• 15:52Dax Shepard?

  Sim, sim, sim.

• 15:54Speaker 01

  Very simmy.

• 15:57Speaker 03

  Really quick, my aunt asked me to give a shout out, so she's my mom's twin.

• 16:01Speaker 01

  Oh, how fun.

• 16:03Dax Shepard?

  Identical or fraternal?

• 16:04Speaker 03

  Identical, so love you, my Tracy.

• 16:07Dax Shepard?

  Do you feel like you have two moms?

• 16:08Speaker 03

  It's weird because I have three cousins from my mom's twin. We look pretty similar and we always joke that we're half siblings.

• 16:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:16Dax Shepard?

  Yes, yes, yes, double first cousins, half siblings.

• 16:18Speaker 01

  Whoa.

• 16:19Dax Shepard?

  I wish your mom had married an identical twin, then your cousins would really be your siblings.

• 16:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, that would be a very interesting experiment.

• 16:28Dax Shepard?

  Well, it's very nice meeting you. Really good luck with ninth grade. Tell your seventh grade sister, good luck with seventh grade.

• 16:35Speaker 03

  Good luck with seventh grade.

• 16:36Dax Shepard?

  My favorite year of my life and say hi to mom.

• 16:39Speaker 03

  Hi, mom.

• 16:41Dax Shepard?

  Well, nice meeting you guys.

• 16:42Speaker 01

  Nice to meet you guys.

• 16:43Dax Shepard?

  Take care, bye. Oh my God, a whole family.

• 16:47Speaker 01

  That was cute.

• 16:48Dax Shepard?

  We love identical twins.

• 16:49Speaker 01

  Cause they're so rare, they're limited edition.

• 16:52Dax Shepard?

  I guess everyone loves identical twins, probably.

• 16:54Speaker 01

  Well.

• 16:55Dax Shepard?

  We're probably not unique in that, right?

• 16:57Speaker 01

  Okay, comment if you don't like identical twins.

• 17:00Dax Shepard?

  Okay, yeah, I could see people being scared by them, especially if you don't really believe in science and God makes babies kind of a situation.

• 17:08Speaker 01

  They think they're demons.

• 17:10Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, maybe like, how do you explain that?

• 17:13Speaker 01

  Well, science.

• 17:13Dax Shepard?

  If you don't believe in a, right, if you don't believe in that.

• 17:16Speaker 01

  The explanation.

• 17:17Dax Shepard?

  In the absence of that explanation, what would you possibly guess?

• 17:21Speaker 01

  Demon.

• 17:22Dax Shepard?

  Demon.

• 17:23Speaker 01

  Or this one was so good that God had to make two.

• 17:26Dax Shepard?

  Really good spin.

• 17:37Dax Shepard?

  This episode is brought to you by McDonald's. The Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Medium Fries and a Drink is now $8.

• 17:47Speaker 01

  What?

• 17:48Dax Shepard?

  Okay, I need to talk about something that doesn't get enough respect. The Quarter Pounder with Cheese. This is not a casual burger. This is a crafted burger. We're talking 100% fresh beef cooked right when you order it. No artificial flavors, no fillers, no preservatives, just beef doing what beef is supposed to do. And here's a detail I love. There's a cowbell sound in the kitchen. When somebody orders a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a cowbell goes off and the Grill Master throws a fresh patty down. That's like having your own entrance music at McDonald's. I want a cowbell for everything in life. The onions are hand topped by someone who just knows the right amount. Two slices of cheese laid out in a star pattern, so every single bite gets cheese. And two pickles side by side, so you're never in a pickle desert.

• 18:32Dax Shepard?

  Every bite is accounted for. Someone engineered this thing with love. I love a Quarter Pounder.

• 18:38Speaker 01

  Me too, that's my order. It's a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. I love it. I didn't know they put so much effort that they did a star formation. I should have known because you can taste it when there's effort.

• 18:51Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, the love. Don't tell anyone this, but I'll put two of them back.

• 18:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm not surprised.

• 18:56Dax Shepard?

  The Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Fries and a Drink, now $8 for a limited time only. Only at McDonald's. For a limited time only, prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California, and for delivery. Fresh beef not available in Alaska and Hawaii. Offer not valid for delivery. We get support from No Bull. The holidays can get hectic. You finally hit a post-summer routine and suddenly you're on hosting duty every week.

• 19:22Speaker 01

  That's when you really need to ground yourself.

• 19:25Dax Shepard?

  Exactly, and that's why I keep my training routine through the holidays. It's the whole No Bull idea. There's a no bullshit training brand built around consistency, honesty, and just putting in the work. It's not about adding more pressure to an already packed schedule. It's about having the gear and the habits to move through the season. Your way. My personal favorite. All three of the shoes are fantastic. The Outwork, the Outwork Flex and the Drive 2. I like the Drive 2 because it's a hybrid. And I lift, of course, but I also like to do what's called box jumps.

• 19:55Speaker 01

  Ah.

• 19:56Dax Shepard?

  Right? I do a lot of jumping onto a little platform and I want a little more flexibility. And boy, do they deliver.

• 20:02Speaker 01

  And if you're a cardio person and you're running and you also need to be lifting.

• 20:06Dax Shepard?

  And the style is banging. I don't know what to say. Beautiful style, very breathable, very, very comfortable, lots of support. They were built for lifting.

• 20:14Speaker 01

  They also make a great holiday gift. You know, I love gifting, a purposeful one that actually supports someone's goals and routines. And it's not a gift that just ends up in the back of the closet.

• 20:23Dax Shepard?

  Stay stronger than the season. Head to nobolproject.com all holiday season to shop new deals every week. This episode is brought to you by Dell. Gifts mean more when they have the power to give more. They can inspire more discovery, give more confidence and unwrap more of who you are. This Black Friday, give a gift that goes beyond the box. The Dell XPS 13 laptop with a beautiful design and cutting edge performance. It helps you unlock more possibilities. It's the thinnest, lightest XPS laptop yet. With touchscreen, a backlit keyboard and long lasting battery life to power you through your day. Built with a durable aluminum chassis, weighing just 2.2 pounds and Intel Core processors.

• 21:08Dax Shepard?

  It's fast, reliable and portable enough to keep up wherever you go. Visit dell.com to explore the possibilities of XPS. While shopping, you'll also find great perks like Dell Rewards. Fast free shipping, premium support and financing with flexible payment options. Plus you can find great deals on monitors and accessories. That means you can score a whole new setup now for less. This Black Friday sale is one you don't want to miss. Head to dell.com/deals. That's dell.com/deals.

• 21:42Dax Shepard?

  We get support from Skims. Okay, I have a confession. I genuinely love matching pajamas. It's the best part of Christmas morning, really. Everyone in the same matching set, looking ridiculously cute in front of the tree.

• 21:56Speaker 01

  I love matching pajamas. I'm literally going to be in coordinating sets with all my friends this holiday season. Because I got them, spoiler to my friends who are listening, the same Skims pajama set I've been living in. They are so soft and cozy and they look cute. So you can leave the house and go get a late night hot chocolate and be cozy.

• 22:17Dax Shepard?

  Hmm, it's so great how Skims has sets for everyone, too. Women's, men's, kids, even your pets. So nobody in your life has to be left out this year.

• 22:27Speaker 01

  I have a bunch of different pajama sets. One of my favorite is the organic cotton sleep long sleeve set.

• 22:34Dax Shepard?

  Okay, tell me more.

• 22:35Speaker 01

  It is so comfortable, very chic, too. The top is a button down, but very, very soft, easy to sleep in. But as I said before, you can multi-purpose this and look super cute.

• 22:47Dax Shepard?

  Hot chocolate runs. It's like the pajamas we grew up in, except without the scratchy polyester that made opening presents feel more like a hot yoga class that nobody signed up for.

• 22:56Speaker 01

  All the nostalgia, none of the discomfort. Shop my favorite loungewear and pajamas at skims.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you. Select podcasts in the survey and be sure to select Armchair Expert in the drop down menu that follows. If you're looking for the perfect gifts for everyone on your list, the Skims Holiday Shop is now open at skims.com.

• 23:24Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 23:25Dax Shepard?

  Hi, Luke.

• 23:26Speaker 02

  Hi, that's right. Can you guys hear me?

• 23:27Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wonderful. It's like you're about to land an airplane.

• 23:30Speaker 02

  That's what I'm going for.

• 23:31Dax Shepard?

  Yes, it's working. Tell me why you have this headset. Are you a gamer?

• 23:35Speaker 02

  I am a gamer and I am recording this from a job site. And I just didn't want to rely on my laptop's audio.

• 23:42Dax Shepard?

  We appreciate that greatly. You're going by a pseudonym. Are we allowed to know what state you're in?

• 23:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's totally fine. I'm in Bozeman, Montana.

• 23:50Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay. Wonderful. That's a beautiful place to be.

• 23:53Speaker 04

  It's gorgeous. We had a blizzard yesterday. Mountains are still full of snow.

• 23:56Speaker 01

  A blizzard.

• 23:58Speaker 04

  Full on blizzard driving home last night.

• 24:00Dax Shepard?

  Wow.

• 24:02Speaker 01

  Do you like that?

• 24:03Speaker 04

  I don't love the snow, but I don't hate it. When it's unexpected is when it's the worst.

• 24:07Dax Shepard?

  Right. Which I imagine yesterday was unexpected.

• 24:09Speaker 04

  Absolutely.

• 24:10Dax Shepard?

  You guys have the same thing we had in Michigan where it's like you have a fake spring and you get excited and then all of a sudden it just fucking turns to winter in May and you're like, fuck this place.

• 24:19Speaker 04

  That's exactly what yesterday was. Yeah, it was like 75, 80 degrees over the weekend.

• 24:22Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 24:24Speaker 04

  Hard snow yesterday, accidents on my drive home. It was pretty rough.

• 24:27Dax Shepard?

  Those climates, they're backstabbers.

• 24:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, they're tricky.

• 24:31Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, they'll fool you. Did you grow up in Montana?

• 24:33Speaker 04

  I actually grew up in the Seattle area.

• 24:35Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay. So you have a cruise story.

• 24:39Speaker 04

  That's right. This was for my wife and I's honeymoon. And shortly before the cruise, as newlyweds tend to do, we fooled around a lot. During some of this fooling around, I ended up with a little bit of chafing on my dick. Okay, just saying.

• 24:58Speaker 04

  Imagine a red burn on your dick. That's what it was. Don't need to sugarcoat it.

• 25:02Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah. He was supposed to say penis and he's like, no, I'm already talking about chafing. It's dick chafing.

• 25:06Speaker 04

  That's the way the story's gonna go. So fast forward, we're like on day two of the cruise.

• 25:11Dax Shepard?

  Can I pause you, Luke? I just want to regale for a second. That brings me back to my youth. Your fecundity rate was so high that you'd actually damaged the skin. I mean, that's for the youthful.

• 25:21Speaker 04

  Absolutely. Happy that those days are long gone for me, for sure. So we're on the cruise. It's day two. It's a day at sea, so there's really not a lot going on.

• 25:30Dax Shepard?

  Where's the cruise going to? Is it a Caribbean cruise?

• 25:32Speaker 04

  We're going to Alaska.

• 25:33Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay.

• 25:34Speaker 04

  I go to take a shower. And if you've ever been on a cruise before, the bathrooms are tiny. I mean, you stand in the middle and you can touch all four walls, just reaching out. So as you can imagine, the shower is equally tiny. And in this shower, they give you a wand to get to those hard to reach places.

• 25:51Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 25:52Dax Shepard?

  Like you can pull it off the wall.

• 25:54Speaker 01

  Oh, I see.

• 25:55Speaker 04

  Right, a shower wand. Well, I'm going to shower and I'm thinking I want to get myself as clean as possible. I want this wound to heal up as quickly as it can. Because, you know, I've got to perform on my honeymoon.

• 26:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, you gotta get back to it.

• 26:09Dax Shepard?

  Back in the saddle.

• 26:09Speaker 04

  I'm cleaning myself up and. I have this great idea. I'm gonna clean that area specifically. So I pull myself a little tight down there and I spray the wand on it. The water pressure from the wand hits right on this rug burn spot and immediately starts gushing blood.

• 26:31Speaker 01

  Oh, oh my god.

• 26:34Dax Shepard?

  You've opened up the wound.

• 26:35Speaker 04

  Yeah, and it's, I mean, it's right on a vein. I'm talking a little bit of blood. I'm talking, imagine you're peeing, but it is solid red. I mean, it is just a pressurized bead of red coming out of my dick.

• 26:49Dax Shepard?

  It's like punctured the vein.

• 26:51Speaker 04

  Punctured.

• 26:51Speaker 01

  What?

• 26:53Dax Shepard?

  Wow.

• 26:54Speaker 01

  God, these penises are so fragile.

• 26:58Dax Shepard?

  They can take a beating, but you push them too hard, they will give.

• 27:01Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 27:02Speaker 04

  They will give, yes. And I am aghast. I don't know what to do. Honestly, my first thought, embarrassingly, is my wife doesn't need to know about this. She already knows I'm wounded down there. So if I can just get the bleeding to stop, she doesn't need to know about this. We'll just move on with life.

• 27:18Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 27:19Dax Shepard?

  This is where we're different. We were in line so far, but now I would be so excited to call her in like, holy shit, look at this, you know?

• 27:26Speaker 04

  And it gets there.

• 27:26Dax Shepard?

  Okay, okay.

• 27:27Speaker 04

  So I go grab a massive wad of toilet paper. I mean, I'm talking 30 sheets at least. And I go to stick it under there. It turns into a mushy mess of nothing in seconds.

• 27:37Speaker 01

  Oh my god, this is scary.

• 27:39Dax Shepard?

  You're losing some considerable blood here.

• 27:41Speaker 04

  Exactly. And so now I'm panicked. So now it's time to call the wife in and tell her I'm having an emergency.

• 27:47Dax Shepard?

  Having an emergency.

• 27:50Speaker 04

  I call her in. She walks in and it looks like a war zone in there. I mean, there's blood all over the walls. It's everywhere. And she handles it well. She goes and she calls the cruise site nurse team. So she calls the nurse team down and this little nurse comes in and same thing. She opens the door, she looks at me and she just has this look of horror when she looks into this bathroom. She gives me a one inch thick stack of that heavy duty gauze that's designed to stop bleeding. She says, put this on there, apply pressure. I'll be right back. I'm going to go get a wheelchair, some more supplies. We'll wheel you down to the infirmary. She's gone maybe just a few minutes. By the time she has come back, I have bled through this stack of gauze.

• 28:34Speaker 04

  There's literally blood dripping out the bottom of this stack of gauze.

• 28:37Dax Shepard?

  Luke, at any moment, are you considering a tourniquet?

• 28:40Speaker 04

  Based off the area of the injury, I am trying to avoid that as much as I can. And so she has me throw that away. She hands me a new stack of gauze, tells me to apply pressure again. I've put a shirt on, I'm on the wheelchair and they're wheeling me down to the infirmary.

• 28:55Dax Shepard?

  Any pants?

• 28:56Speaker 04

  Surprisingly, basically no pants.

• 28:58Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 28:59Dax Shepard?

  No, no, no, no pants, pants.

• 29:00Speaker 04

  Oh, pants, no pants, just a towel covering my leg.

• 29:03Speaker 01

  Oh, okay, but you are covered at least with a towel.

• 29:06Speaker 04

  But it is awkward. You're going through the halls of this cruise ship and there's all these people looking at you. At first glance, they really have no idea what's wrong, but I'm sitting there just freaking the hell out.

• 29:16Dax Shepard?

  And you bare legs. There's nothing I would want to see more than that. A man in his T-shirt in no pants, I want a towel over his groin.

• 29:24Speaker 04

  It's a scene. I wish the story ended there. So she wheels me down to the infirmary and luckily by this point, I've got about three quarters of the way through this second thing of gauze and the bleeding has stopped. The doctor on site is taking a look at this injury. Of course, it's a girl doctor too, but I've got no shame. You know, what am I going to do at this point? But she looks at it and she says, well, we've got to close this. It could reopen at any point. You're going to be right in the same situation.

• 29:49Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 29:49Speaker 04

  And so she says, well, I'd like to just use a stitch, but on this part of your body, it's very prone to expansion and contraction. So we don't want to use a stitch. So what we're gonna use is a chemical cauterization.

• 30:06Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 30:07Dax Shepard?

  Glue.

• 30:07Speaker 04

  Not exactly. Chemical cauterization is they apply two inert chemicals to your body. Chemical A doesn't do anything by itself. Chemical B doesn't do anything by itself. But when they come in contact with each other, it melts your skin back together.

• 30:23Dax Shepard?

  Oh, like cauterizes? It's like a chemical cauterizing?

• 30:26Speaker 01

  That's what he said, literally what he said.

• 30:28Dax Shepard?

  He said that? Oh.

• 30:28Speaker 01

  It's the exact phrase he used.

• 30:30Dax Shepard?

  Oh my god, I'm sorry. I missed the cauterize.

• 30:31Speaker 04

  Yeah, no, you're good. She lays me back on the table. There's no anesthetic.

• 30:34Speaker 01

  Ah.

• 30:36Speaker 04

  And she gives me a rubber stick to bite onto.

• 30:40Speaker 01

  Oh my.

• 30:42Dax Shepard?

  And I would be wondering, is this a disposable or have many people bitten down on this rubber stick?

• 30:47Speaker 01

  Oh no.

• 30:48Speaker 04

  I was kind of under the impression that many people have bitten down on this rubber stick before.

• 30:52Speaker 01

  Oh no.

• 30:56Speaker 04

  It was definitely like in the top shelf of the supplies, you know, like, oh, we need this every day.

• 31:00Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 31:02Speaker 04

  And so she does that, has me grab my wife's hand, and I'm telling you guys, I bet my screams are still reverberating through that cruise ship.

• 31:11Dax Shepard?

  Oh wow.

• 31:13Speaker 04

  I can't begin to describe the amount of pain that having your dick skin burned back together feels like.

• 31:19Speaker 01

  Oh my god. Oh, I wish this on no one.

• 31:24Dax Shepard?

  Oh, I know. And also, I want to see video of this entire thing from beginning to cauterization.

• 31:30Speaker 04

  I wish it existed.

• 31:31Dax Shepard?

  Wow. Once it's cauterized, does she say to you, like, don't use this thing for a while?

• 31:36Speaker 04

  More or less, yeah. She said no sexual activity for a couple of weeks. Obviously, it's gonna kind of expand on its own every once in a while. There's not a lot you can do about that.

• 31:45Dax Shepard?

  Right. Try not to look at any pretty ladies.

• 31:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, and you're on a cruise.

• 31:48Dax Shepard?

  Tell your new wife to keep her clothes on.

• 31:50Speaker 04

  Luckily, the cruise to Alaska, not a lot of women in bikinis, but still something to concern yourself with.

• 31:56Dax Shepard?

  Those bald eagles, though, they can get things moving.

• 31:58Speaker 04

  Oh, they get you excited, don't they?

• 32:00Dax Shepard?

  What a sight to see.

• 32:01Speaker 01

  I thought you were making a euphemism for vagina.

• 32:04Dax Shepard?

  Oh, that could also, yeah. I like that euphemism.

• 32:07Speaker 04

  It healed well. I had no lingering injuries, little bit of scarring, but you'd have to know what you were looking for.

• 32:13Dax Shepard?

  Wow. You reversed the wife who's had a baby.

• 32:17Speaker 01

  That's what I was thinking when she had to hold his hand.

• 32:20Dax Shepard?

  More just like wife has a baby and then there's a window where wife can't have sex. But in this case, they're like married and then he had an issue and then they're now waiting and they're newlyweds. They're very horny.

• 32:31Speaker 04

  A hundred percent.

• 32:32Dax Shepard?

  Oh, that's great. What a memorable honeymoon.

• 32:35Speaker 04

  Yeah, and that's what I always tell people. I've told this story to people over the years and, you know, if it wasn't exciting, you wouldn't remember it.

• 32:41Dax Shepard?

  Oh, Luke, that's fantastic. What a great story.

• 32:43Speaker 04

  I'm glad you enjoyed it. I hope it makes it onto the episode.

• 32:46Speaker 01

  Oh, it will. Don't you worry.

• 32:48Dax Shepard?

  Bet your scarred dick it will.

• 32:50Speaker 04

  Awesome. While I still got a second, I'm just gonna shout out my good buddy Casey, who got me into your show and encouraged me to share my story.

• 32:59Dax Shepard?

  Oh, Casey, big shout out.

• 33:00Speaker 01

  Shout out. I'm so glad he did. That's a doozy. That's a good one.

• 33:04Dax Shepard?

  That's a keeper.

• 33:04Speaker 04

  A few weeks ago, he sent the link. He was like, cruise stories. You.

• 33:09Dax Shepard?

  Well, thank Casey on our behalf.

• 33:11Speaker 04

  I most certainly will.

• 33:12Dax Shepard?

  All right. Take care, Luke.

• 33:13Speaker 01

  Have a great day.

• 33:24Dax Shepard?

  We get support from Superhuman. Look, I love what I do. The conversations, the ideas, the creative stuff, but there's this whole other layer of work that eats my day alive. The inbox that never ends, docs I need to get through, threads I'm behind on. And by the time I've dealt with all that, the stuff I actually want to focus on gets whatever's left. What I needed was something that just works where I'm already working. Not another tab to open, not another thing to set up. Superhuman Go, from the makers of Grammarly, is different. It's already right there inside your email, your docs, your browser. You don't go to it. It's already working alongside you. You're deep in a long thread, highlight it, and it pulls the key points. About to send something important. It flags what doesn't add up before it leaves your hands.

• 34:09Dax Shepard?

  It knows your style, your workflows, and it just backs you up without getting in the way. A thought partner that's already up to speed. At your service, not after your job. So do yourself a favor and try Superhuman Go from the makers of Grammarly. Find out more at superhuman.com. We get support from our sponsor Lilly. For adults with obesity or with excess weight and weight-related medical problems, it's time to find out about Foundo or for Gleepran. Foundo is a once daily prescription GLP-1 medicine used with a reduced calorie diet and increased physical activity to help adults with obesity or some adults with overweight who also have weight-related medical problems to lose excess body weight and keep the weight off.

• 34:53Speaker 05

  Foundo should not be used with other GLP-1 receptor agonist medicines. It is not known if Foundo is safe and effective for use in children. Don't take Foundo if you're allergic to it or if you or someone in your family had majorary thyroid cancer or multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2. Stop and call your doctor right away if you have an allergic reaction, a lump or swelling in your neck, or severe stomach pain. Serious side effects may include inflamed pancreas and gallbladder problems. Tell your doctor if you experience vision changes, if you're nursing, pregnant, plant to be, or taking birth control pills, and before scheduled procedures with anesthesia. Taking Foundo with an insulin or sulfonylurea may cause low blood sugar. Side effects include diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting, which can cause dehydration and may cause kidney problems. Once daily Foundo is available by prescription only in 0.8 milligram, 2.5 milligram, 5.5

• 35:38Speaker 05

  milligram, 9 milligram, 14.5 milligram, and 17.2 milligram tablets. Learn more at foundo.lilly.com or call 1-800-LILY-RX. Now is perfect to talk to your doctor about Foundo.

• 35:51Dax Shepard?

  We get support by Peloton. You know that feeling when you're spiraling over a problem and you just can't figure it out? When that happens to me, I need a change of pace. And I've found that running is the best way. It takes my brain out of the driver's seat and I come back with a fresh perspective. Running can be freeing and cathartic, and Peloton helps you feel all of that. And now that feeling fits wherever you need it with the new Peloton Tread Flex. It's movable and foldable, designed to fit your life. So next time you feel stuck, you can go for a run literally anywhere, whether that's in your office, living room, or even the attic. Plus, they have classes with expert instructors and programs to meet you at any level and keep you moving. Let yourself run.

• 36:34Dax Shepard?

  Explore the new Peloton TreadFlex at onepeloton.com.

• 36:47Dax Shepard?

  Are you gonna leave the room to make this call? Our next call is Monica.

• 36:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm calling in.

• 36:53Dax Shepard?

  Oh, Monica's calling. I have a lot of cruise ship stories. I could have submitted many different things. I've been on so many cruises.

• 36:59Speaker 01

  I haven't been on a one.

• 37:01Dax Shepard?

  You haven't been on a single cruise? I feel like your parents would have loved that.

• 37:04Speaker 01

  They go now.

• 37:05Dax Shepard?

  Well, they do.

• 37:07Speaker 01

  Hello, Monica.

• 37:08Speaker 06

  Long time.

• 37:11Dax Shepard?

  Hi. Don't show me much of this car. I always try to impress Monica. I'm gonna go with Chrysler Pacifica.

• 37:19Speaker 06

  You're wrong. I'm sorry.

• 37:21Dax Shepard?

  Fuck.

• 37:22Speaker 06

  It is a Honda Pilot.

• 37:23Dax Shepard?

  Okay, Monty had a, did you have a Pilot?

• 37:26Speaker 01

  No, CRV.

• 37:28Speaker 06

  So sorry, Monica, that I'm not in like a cushy closet somewhere. I'm actually at my daughter's track meet.

• 37:34Dax Shepard?

  Oh, God, I hope she doesn't come up to the blocks while we're talking.

• 37:38Speaker 06

  If you hear like shots, I'm not in some dangerous neighborhood.

• 37:43Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 37:44Dax Shepard?

  What's her event?

• 37:45Speaker 06

  Well, she just finished high jump.

• 37:47Dax Shepard?

  Oh, I was a high jumper. Is she tall?

• 37:50Speaker 06

  She is tall for her age. She's only 12.

• 37:52Speaker 01

  I have a question for you. I was getting a massage recently. This was weird. In the middle of the massage, the massage therapist said, can I ask you something personal? And this was while she was mid massage and I said, sure.

• 38:08Dax Shepard?

  That's a scary question on a massage.

• 38:10Speaker 01

  And she said, do you like being called Monica? I was like, yeah. And she was like, because my name is Monica and I love it. Every Monica in me is just so great.

• 38:22Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 38:23Speaker 01

  And I was like, yeah, it's a great name. It really caught me off guard. And would you have liked that?

• 38:29Speaker 06

  Yeah, it would have caught me off guard too. I've never had like a nickname or nobody's ever shortened it.

• 38:36Dax Shepard?

  No one calls you Monty or Mom?

• 38:38Speaker 06

  No.

• 38:38Speaker 01

  Oh, wow. We just had this conversation about nicknames.

• 38:42Dax Shepard?

  Monica's many nicknames.

• 38:47Dax Shepard?

  But I would agree. I'm gonna say that Monica's over index in Good Folks. I like all the Monicas I know.

• 38:53Speaker 01

  Except this one that stops in the middle of a massage.

• 38:55Dax Shepard?

  No, I might like her too.

• 38:56Speaker 01

  Okay, she was nice.

• 38:57Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, she has a boundary issue, which I like.

• 38:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, you love that.

• 39:01Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so you have a crazy cruise ship story.

• 39:04Speaker 06

  I do. So I'll give you just a little bit of background. So I grew up, I was a teen in the mid to late 90s. So peak boy band scene and I was a huge fan of the Backstreet Boys.

• 39:16Speaker 01

  Oh, me too.

• 39:17Speaker 06

  That was my boy band of choice. I had their posters all over my walls. I bought their CDs on the day that they came out.

• 39:25Dax Shepard?

  Did you have a favorite Backstreet Boy?

• 39:27Speaker 06

  I did. Brian Luttrell.

• 39:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, Brian was everyone's favorite.

• 39:30Dax Shepard?

  He was the number one.

• 39:31Speaker 01

  He was my favorite too. Are you gonna see them at the Sphere? You should.

• 39:35Speaker 06

  I, maybe when we get to the end of the story.

• 39:38Speaker 01

  Uh oh, okay, okay, alright.

• 39:42Speaker 06

  No, I probably won't be seeing them at the Sphere, but it's gonna be an amazing show. Are you going to see them, Monica?

• 39:48Speaker 01

  I don't think so. I'm kinda scared of the Sphere.

• 39:51Speaker 06

  So anyways, huge fan. Fast forward the years 2011. And I'm a newly married woman, working young woman. And I'm scrolling Facebook and I come across this ad from Ticketmaster that they're doing this sweepstakes giveaway. And it's a trip for two, all expenses paid, on a cruise with the Backstreet Boys.

• 40:14Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow.

• 40:16Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's like a three night, four day cruise to the Bahamas. And you also get to meet the Backstreet Boys.

• 40:23Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 40:23Dax Shepard?

  And you still like them in 2011?

• 40:26Speaker 06

  Yeah, I mean, I wasn't teenage obsessed.

• 40:28Dax Shepard?

  No posters anymore?

• 40:29Speaker 06

  The nostalgia. I was like, oh yeah, I would go on a Backstreet Boys cruise.

• 40:33Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, great.

• 40:33Speaker 06

  Yeah, so I put my name in and kinda forgot about it because it had been a while. And I get this email from Ticketmaster and I knew before I even opened the email. I was like, I won that cruise!

• 40:48Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 40:50Speaker 06

  I opened the email and yes, I had won and they had like a short turnaround. You had to tell them within 24 hours who was going, the names of the passengers, flight information, all that.

• 41:02Speaker 01

  Oh, this is exciting.

• 41:03Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, this is very exciting.

• 41:04Speaker 06

  My first thought is like, I don't think my husband is the right person to take on this. I love my husband, but he is not really the boy band type. And this seems like a girl's trip. He agreed. And so I immediately call one of my childhood best friends, Nicole. And I tell her, Nicole's always game for a good time. And so she was like, yes, let's do it. She was living out of state at the time, so we meet up in the airport. We fly to Miami. I should say that at this point, I had never been on a cruise before in my life. Nicole had been on a few cruises before, so that was kind of helpful to have her hints and tips. Part of the trip was hotel was included, so we're there the night before the cruise.

• 41:46Speaker 06

  And we decide we're gonna hit the town and this is in December. So I live in the Midwest. I'm leaving cold winter temperatures, heading to Miami. I've got tourists written all over my face. I got my spray tan. I packed my little halter dresses. I'm ready for some warm weather. So we hit some bars and we go to this daiquiri bar where we get served these daiquiris that are huge, like as big as our heads. We're sitting there enjoying ourselves and this man comes up to our table, very sharp dressed man with two shots in each hand.

• 42:21Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 42:21Speaker 06

  Has very strong accent and I kind of make out that he's one of the owners of the establishment. He's checking to see if we're having a good time. And wanted to give us these complimentary shots for our daiquiris and he just dumps them right in.

• 42:35Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 42:36Dax Shepard?

  Uh oh, I'm very scared.

• 42:37Speaker 06

  He walks away and we're both kind of like, well, that was kind of weird. And so I proceed to take a couple of drinks. At the time, and I don't know, maybe Miami is still this way. You can take your drinks in and out of bars, like you could walk out with an open container. So we decide, okay, we're gonna take these daiquiris with us and leave because we were weirded out by that guy. So we leave. And a little while later, Nicole is like, I don't think we should be drinking these.

• 43:03Dax Shepard?

  Good, Nicole.

• 43:04Speaker 06

  Yeah. So we throw them away, but apparently I must have drank a little more than Nicole had.

• 43:10Speaker 01

  Oh no.

• 43:10Speaker 06

  Because it hits me very fast. Pretty sure I had been roofied.

• 43:15Speaker 01

  No, oh my god.

• 43:18Speaker 06

  So the rest of the evening is kind of from Nicole's relaying the message to me, but she could tell that I was going downhill very quickly. I was slurring, I was falling all over the place.

• 43:30Dax Shepard?

  Whoa.

• 43:31Speaker 06

  So she got me into a cab, you know, this is pre Uber. We were heading back to the hotel and I threw up all over in the backseat of the cab.

• 43:38Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 43:38Speaker 06

  And so the cab driver's obviously pissed and wants to kick us out. She doesn't even know where we're at. She pleads with him to keep us in the car and get us to the hotel and agrees to give him a really good tip. So we get back to the hotel and Nicole tells me she basically had to like drag me back to the room. I'm sure the surveillance footage looks like some murder documentary or something, but she gets me back to the room. She helps shower me up and shower all the puke out of my hair and gets me cleaned up and in bed. Next morning, wake up, feel obviously pretty terrible. And we overslept, nearly missed the ship departure.

• 44:17Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 44:19Speaker 06

  They're just in time. We get on the ship, we head to our cabin and we're kind of walking down the halls and everybody's got their doors all decorated with actually boy stuff. And this is kind of lifting my spirits. I'm shaken off that night before, getting in a better mood. And we go to the kickoff party that's going to be on the pool deck. I'm starting to feel better and I'm like, okay, hair and a dog, I'm going to get another drink.

• 44:42Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 44:43Speaker 06

  So I get a drink and we're waiting and the Backstreet Boys come out and make their first big appearance and everybody goes crazy. We have a good time.

• 44:51Dax Shepard?

  Do they perform right away or they're just waving and saying hi?

• 44:53Speaker 06

  They're just saying hi, basically. Then the ship takes off and so things are moving, getting started. And I start to notice that, you know, I can feel the motion. And normally people tell you on cruise ships, oh, you can't even tell you're moving. Well, I could feel the movement. And so I tell Nicole, like, ah, I'm already just not feeling the best. And she was giving me all these pointers like, let's take some Dramamine. Let's dip on some ginger ale. Let's do this and that. And so I was trying it. And she said, well, whatever you do, just don't go lay down because as soon as you lay down, you're done. You won't get back up.

• 45:30Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 45:32Speaker 06

  And I was like, okay.

• 45:33Dax Shepard?

  Nicole's a pro at everything.

• 45:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 45:36Speaker 06

  The name of this story should be Nicole Was Right.

• 45:38Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 45:40Speaker 06

  The next event for the night is the Backstreet Boys are going to be doing this game show thing in one of the theaters. And so we had to go to this theater and we're walking down the hallway. And I mean, you can just see the hallway moving side to side.

• 45:57Speaker 01

  This is why I don't want to go on a cruise.

• 45:59Speaker 06

  People are trying to walk down this hall and thank God there were these handrails going down the hallway. Cause you had to hold on to these handrails or you would fall over. It was rocking so.

• 46:09Speaker 01

  Oh, my.

• 46:09Dax Shepard?

  It's like Triangle of Zabnes.

• 46:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, it really is.

• 46:13Dax Shepard?

  For the listener, Monica's getting a little sick right now, just remembering it. I can totally see.

• 46:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can see that you're hanging on by a thread already.

• 46:25Speaker 06

  It was terrible. And so we go into the theater and I'm seeing a lot of women are just getting up and leaving. And I'm seeing women coming back with all these doggy bag, like vomit bags.

• 46:37Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 46:39Speaker 06

  And people are getting sick in this theater. And I can't take it anymore. So I run out of the theater. I run to the bathroom. The bathroom is full of all these women getting sick.

• 46:51Dax Shepard?

  I also love there's no men on this cruise. It's just all women.

• 46:55Speaker 01

  It's true.

• 46:55Dax Shepard?

  They should have let the women use the men's bathroom for this cruise.

• 46:59Speaker 06

  But there were like crew members in the hallway handing out these doggy bags.

• 47:05Speaker 06

  I got sick and I told Nicole, I can't do it. I've got to go back to the room. So I go back to the room and I laid down and Nicole was right. I could not get up.

• 47:17Speaker 06

  It was like I was glued to that bed. I was so bummed because that night there was supposed to be like this eighties party.

• 47:27Speaker 06

  So I was stuck in bed and somehow managed to like get some sleep that night. And then the next morning, woke up, felt so much better and I realized it was because we had docked. We were in the Bahamas.

• 47:39Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 47:40Speaker 06

  But this was the big day that I got to meet the Backstreet Boys. We went to go watch their sound check for a while because one night they did a concert.

• 47:48Dax Shepard?

  On shore or on the boat?

• 47:49Speaker 06

  They did do an appearance on the beach, but the concert was on the boat. So we went to the sound check and then got to do the meet and greet, which was really fast. And I was given strict instructions. Only shake their hands. Do not hug them. Just say hello and take your picture and get off the stage.

• 48:09Dax Shepard?

  No kissing.

• 48:10Speaker 06

  Yeah. And I could just tell when I went up on that stage, the look on Nick Carter's face was just like, he was terrified. He was waiting for me to just like pounce on him.

• 48:20Speaker 01

  Oh god.

• 48:23Speaker 06

  I felt so bad. This is what these men endure all the time.

• 48:29Speaker 06

  I got to meet them. That was exciting. And I spent the day on the beach. And then that night, we started to head back to Miami and it was like all over again.

• 48:40Speaker 06

  I just could not wait to get off this ship. And I'm so glad that the trip was paid for because if I would have paid for this cruise and I was vomiting the whole time.

• 48:52Speaker 01

  And Nicole was fine.

• 48:54Dax Shepard?

  Did Nicole have a good?

• 48:56Speaker 06

  Great time.

• 48:56Dax Shepard?

  She sounds like if anyone on this ship would have hooked up with one of the Backstreet Boys, it would have been Nicole.

• 49:00Speaker 06

  She probably could have because she went to the casino one night when I was like throwing up and she was at the roulette table with one of them.

• 49:09Speaker 01

  Oh, fun.

• 49:11Speaker 06

  So that's my terrible slash awesome cruise story.

• 49:15Dax Shepard?

  Listen, A, this story is fantastic, but you're just so funny.

• 49:19Speaker 06

  Oh, thank you. Can I do a quick shout out?

• 49:21Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 49:22Speaker 06

  Okay, well, obviously shout out Nicole.

• 49:24Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, number one.

• 49:26Speaker 06

  Thank you for being such an amazing friend and shout out to my husband. Sorry you weren't able to come along for these shenanigans.

• 49:31Dax Shepard?

  You mean you're fucking welcome.

• 49:33Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 49:33Dax Shepard?

  You dodged this bullet.

• 49:35Speaker 06

  Yeah, and shout out to my two sisters. One is an armcherry and one was a huge fan of parenthood.

• 49:42Dax Shepard?

  What are their names?

• 49:42Speaker 06

  Megan and Molly.

• 49:44Dax Shepard?

  Megan and Molly, M M M M M.

• 49:46Speaker 06

  It was really hard for my grandma.

• 49:50Dax Shepard?

  Oh, I fuck up my kids' names all the time and they're drastically different.

• 49:54Speaker 01

  Wow, I'm sorry that happened, but that was a delight to hear about.

• 49:57Dax Shepard?

  That was so fun. Thank you so much, Monica.

• 49:59Speaker 06

  Thank you. It was so awesome meeting you guys.

• 50:01Dax Shepard?

  Take care. Wish your daughter victory in this high jump contest.

• 50:05Speaker 06

  Oh, thank you.

• 50:06Dax Shepard?

  All right.

• 50:07Speaker 01

  Bye.

• 50:10Dax Shepard?

  I love her. I love them. She reminds me so much of my cousins, me and Ian Kelly. Yeah, same kind of storyteller.

• 50:16Speaker 01

  I wonder nowadays if everyone just goes on cruise ships with zo- like is Zofran the same as Dramamine? Could you take both?

• 50:26Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I don't know what the mechanism for either of them is, but Zofran should have an actual cruise line.

• 50:31Speaker 01

  It really should.

• 50:32Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, and they should sail into the choppiest waters. Have you seen any footage of these fucking cruises down to Antarctica?

• 50:39Speaker 01

  No.

• 50:39Dax Shepard?

  None of those have popped up on your Instagram? The water's fucking crashing over the whole front of the boat. They've got like a glass thing where you can- so people are falling down and breaking shit. Yeah, it's nuts.

• 50:50Speaker 01

  Yeah. I also, when we went to Napa, the first thing we did was we went to this winery and it was up a very, very curvy road. I Zofran and thank God, because I still Felt awful.

• 51:06Dax Shepard?

  You did.

• 51:07Speaker 01

  Even with it. And if I hadn't had it, it would have been like that, Cruz.

• 51:11Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God, it was so funny. Everyone's got barf bags where the Backstreet Boys.

• 51:18Speaker 01

  If you're the Backstreet Boys and you're up there and everyone's just puking.

• 51:21Dax Shepard?

  And are they not puking?

• 51:23Speaker 01

  Right.

• 51:23Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy.

• 51:25Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 51:25Dax Shepard?

  All right, love you.

• 51:26Speaker 01

  Love you.

• 51:29Speaker 07

  Do you want to sing a tune or something? We have a theme song.

• 51:31Dax Shepard?

  Oh, OK, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, Ryan Dish. On the fly, Ryan Dish. Enjoy.