Pod Insights Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard Armchair Anonymous: Children's Party About this episode Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us a crazy children's party story.
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Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Dax Shepard? Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Buck Rogers and I'm joined by Gene Lightyear. Today is children's birthday parties run amok.
0:10 Speaker 01 Well, you know, these children, they're wild.
0:14 Dax Shepard? They're terrible.
0:15 Speaker 01 And you just don't know what's gonna happen.
0:17 Dax Shepard? Although a lot of these stories, the parents are terrible. You know, it's good, good bounces back and forth nicely. Please enjoy crazy birthday party stories. We get support from Quince.
0:30 Speaker 01 Okay, can we talk about the fact that the holidays are already here? It's crazy. I feel like I blinked and now we're in gifting season, which I'm not really mad about because I do love giving gifts. And Quince is making it so easy to find something great for everyone on my list, including myself, because let's be honest, self-gifting is a love language.
0:49 Dax Shepard? Quince is seriously the gift that keeps on giving. Their high-quality staples are made with premium materials like 100% Mongolian cashmere, 14-karat gold, and Italian leather. Full-on luxury quality at prices that won't wreck your holiday budget.
1:05 Speaker 01 It's the dream. The cashmere sweater, starting at $60, down jackets, wool outerwear, cashmere accessories. You and everyone on your list are staying cozy and looking incredible all season long.
1:16 Dax Shepard? Well, I'm gonna tell you this, it just got chilly for the first time this year in California. And I'm so excited and I'm wearing my Quince cashmere right now.
1:23 Speaker 01 It's great.
1:24 Dax Shepard? Yeah, and I am going to gift this to some of my friends. I hope they're not listening.
1:28 Speaker 01 Quince is also more than clothing. They've got fine jewelry for your significant other, leather bags for your bestie, hotel-quality bedding to set up your guest rooms, chef-grade cookware, that's an amazing thing they offer here. And it's such a good gift because people don't like buying cookware for themselves, but it's very important. And they also have five-star luggage, another good gift that people don't like buying for themselves.
1:51 Dax Shepard? Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. This episode is brought to you by McDonald's. The Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Medium Fries and a Drink is now $8.
2:22 Speaker 01 What?
2:23 Dax Shepard? Okay, I need to talk about something that doesn't get enough respect. The Quarter Pounder with Cheese. This is not a casual burger. This is a crafted burger. We're talking 100% fresh beef cooked right when you order it. No artificial flavors, no fillers, no preservatives, just beef doing what beef is supposed to do. And here's a detail I love. There's a cowbell sound in the kitchen. When somebody orders a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a cowbell goes off and the Grill Master throws a fresh patty down. That's like having your own entrance music at McDonald's. I want a cowbell for everything in life. The onions are hand topped by someone who just knows the right amount. Two slices of cheese laid out in a star pattern, so every single bite gets cheese. And two pickles side by side, so you're never in a pickle desert.
3:07 Dax Shepard? Every bite is accounted for. Someone engineered this thing with love. I love a Quarter Pounder.
3:13 Speaker 01 Me too, that's my order. It's a Quarter Pounder with cheese. I love it. I didn't know they put so much effort that they did a star formation. I should have known because you can taste it when there's effort.
3:25 Dax Shepard? Yeah, the love. Don't tell anyone this, but I'll put two of them back.
3:28 Speaker 01 Yeah, I'm not surprised.
3:31 Dax Shepard? The Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Fries and a Drink, now $8 for a limited time only. Only at McDonald's. For a limited time only, prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California, and for delivery. Fresh beef not available in Alaska and Hawaii. Offer not valid for delivery.
4:07 Dax Shepard? Can you hear us?
4:09 Speaker 02 Yes, I can hear you. Can you hear me?
4:11 Speaker 01 Yeah.
4:11 Dax Shepard? I don't know if anyone's ever sounded better.
4:13 Speaker 01 I like the setup. It looks perfesh.
4:16 Speaker 02 This is one of those huge blankets. Do you remember those ads on Instagram a couple of years ago?
4:20 Speaker 01 I didn't get targeted, but I'm surprised.
4:22 Dax Shepard? Like, how big are we talking? Would it cover the whole floor of a bedroom?
4:25 Speaker 02 Huge. I got it from my husband for Valentine's Day. It's like four blankets in one.
4:29 Dax Shepard? Oh, wonderful. Like 20 by 20 maybe or something.
4:32 Speaker 02 Yeah.
4:33 Dax Shepard? And where are you?
4:34 Speaker 02 I'm in West Orange, New Jersey. It's like right outside New York City.
4:37 Dax Shepard? That's my first time hearing West Orange.
4:39 Speaker 01 Me too.
4:39 Dax Shepard? You'll be happy to know, Monica, I can't say anything about the geography of it. I'm just learning of it.
4:44 Speaker 01 You can do whatever you want with your geography.
4:47 Dax Shepard? Okay, Justin, you have a crazy children's birthday party story.
4:51 Speaker 02 I do. But first, because if I forget, she'll kill me. My best friend, Gia, turned me on to you guys.
4:55 Dax Shepard? Shout out, Gia.
4:56 Speaker 02 She's a day one armchair obsessed. Then during quarantine lockdown, I got into it. And I fell in love, obviously, too. And then, Monica, I started listening when you were doing your egg retrieval. My husband and I were going through the process as well to have our daughter, which we had her. She's here.
5:11 Speaker 01 Oh, congratulations.
5:13 Speaker 02 Thank you. But it was so helpful just to hear your experience with the egg retrieval. Because not just women who are doing it, but families like ours who can't have it naturally. Just to hear every detail of what you went through was really, really helpful.
5:25 Speaker 01 Thank you.
5:26 Speaker 02 Then looking you up, I was like, she looks really familiar to me, and I couldn't figure it out. And I lived in LA for 10 years.
5:31 Speaker 01 Oh.
5:32 Dax Shepard? SoulCycle?
5:33 Speaker 02 I used to bartend at The Abbey for four years, and I was like, did I maybe make her drink at some point?
5:39 Speaker 01 I think I've been to The Abbey once, so maybe you'd have a great memory.
5:43 Dax Shepard? You must have been fucking slain bartending at The Abbey. Were you just living your greatest life?
5:52 Speaker 02 Yes. It was good that I got out. But this story, this was 2003. I had just graduated from Mason Gross, which is the acting conservatory at Rutgers. So I was 23. I'd just moved to New York City. I was living in Astoria, Queens, in this little closet that was a bedroom. And I was waiting tables at Hard Rock Cafe.
6:12 Dax Shepard? Oh, yes. Great nachos.
6:13 Speaker 01 Nice.
6:14 Speaker 02 I got a job there. I thought it would be cool. And they were like, you need New York experience to work here. So I lied. And so it was a Saturday night, super crazy busy. A lot of tourists come through, so the tips kind of stop. You're working with a constant feeling of rage. And I get sat with a birthday party. So it's the mom, the dad, and about eight. Ten year old girls.
6:34 Dax Shepard? Oh, wow.
6:36 Speaker 02 So I approach the table and I'm like, let me get this drink order. And via the drink order, I learned a few things. First is that this is a family of privilege.
6:43 Speaker 01 I mean, a Hard Rock Cafe birthday, yeah, that's fancy.
6:46 Dax Shepard? Yeah, you're spending six, $700 for those little girls to have dinner.
6:51 Speaker 01 Nachos.
6:52 Speaker 02 They brought these kids into the city for a night and they want to impress the parents of these other little girls. The birthday girls got like full beat hair done. So I'm taking their drink orders. They're all like, Melchior. They're talking down to me. The mom's like, these are the only Chardonnays you have. And I'm like, well, Ken Bell Jackson's our top. And she's like, I guess that'll do. The dad's like, beer, keep it coming. I'm like, he'll be on my side tonight. I come back and I'm like, let's get the appetizers. Now, in our pre-shift meeting, every shift, they sit us down and they're like, you must upsell. You must sell souvenir glasses. They threaten us to get good shifts and good sections. So I'm offering the jumbo combo, which is like the biggest appetizer. It's this big thing in the middle of spring rolls, all the things around it, you know?
7:37 Speaker 02 So I'm like that and the nachos, I'm pushing all the best shit.
7:40 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
7:41 Speaker 02 And they're like, yeah. Order comes up and I'm in the back getting it ready and it's busy. The waiters are all running around and I'm like, I only have two hands. We're supposed to put on a separate plate, the guacamole and the salsa with a little macaron underneath. But I'm like, fuck it, I'm not doing that. I put the salsa on the side, guacamole on the other side, got the jumbo combo and the nachos. And I come out to the table, put down the jumbo combo and then I'm going to put down the nachos. And I clear more space for them and I'm like, I swear I put the salsa there with the guacamole. So I'm about to look at them and say, I'll be right back with your salsa. Meanwhile, I have like four other tables and I look at them and they're all just wide eyed, mouths dropped open. So I follow their eye line to the birthday girl who's seated right beneath me.
8:24 Dax Shepard? Uh oh.
8:24 Speaker 02 And the ramekin of salsas on top of her head.
8:27 Dax Shepard? Oh, it's actually on her head.
8:30 Speaker 02 Like a hat.
8:30 Dax Shepard? Oh, boy.
8:31 Speaker 02 So I dropped the nachos, I grabbed the ramekin with one hand, I scoop the salsa with my other hand and I bolt.
8:38 Dax Shepard? Oh.
8:38 Speaker 01 Oh, wow. Okay.
8:40 Speaker 02 And so I ran up to my friend in the back and I said, I just dropped the sauce on the fucking birthday girl's head. So I grabbed the little beverage naps that I was supposed to put on the plate. I run out there. The mom is standing up, picking onion chunks.
8:52 Speaker 01 Oh, boy.
8:54 Speaker 02 And I come up, I'm scared to death, this mother. And I approach and I say, here's some napkins. And she slowly turns to me and says, could you bring a clean, wet towel?
9:04 Speaker 01 Yeah, that feels fair.
9:05 Dax Shepard? In her defense, that probably was what was needed.
9:08 Speaker 01 Yeah, because these tiny, they're not gonna do anything.
9:11 Speaker 02 I'm 23, I'm panicked. I run to the back, I see my manager, I'm like, I dropped the sauce on the birthday girl's head. Can you get a clean, wet towel? He gets it. I ring in the dinner. The rest of the meal goes off without a hitch. The birthday girl has stopped crying, they're laughing, beautiful sight. The mom's drunk, the dad's drunk, looking at like the rock and roll memorabilia. Now I'm feeling the spirit. I'm like, this is a great party, you know, I'm gonna make this up to her. So at the Hard Rock, we're supposed to do a big birthday announcement. Like, they want us to scream, get everyone's attention, make it rock and roll. I hated doing these things. I'd always pay to give it the Mohawk, five bucks to do it for me.
9:46 Dax Shepard? Which is ironic, because you're in pursuit of performing. These are these weird contradictions we have, right?
9:51 Speaker 01 But it felt below you.
9:52 Speaker 02 Yeah. I went to Mason Gross, to be honest.
9:57 Speaker 01 Exactly.
9:58 Speaker 02 But this birthday I was doing it. So I went to the back and I told the dessert woman, I was like, make this good, extra whipped cream. And so this was in a large margarita glass, plastic.
10:07 Dax Shepard? What a restaurant. I want to go so bad. I want all this. I don't care how bad I feel the next day.
10:12 Speaker 02 So it's a big brownie on the bottom, three scoops of vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup, caramel, whipped cream, cherry on top. I put the candle on top, I take it, I march out there, all their eyes light up. I'm like, get up. She's like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm like, get out of your seat. I pull her up myself.
10:27 Dax Shepard? Oh, wow, okay.
10:29 Speaker 02 I pull her chair up, I'm like, get up on your chair. She's like, oh my god, no. I'm like, get up on the chair. She gets up on the chair.
10:36 Speaker 01 Your tone changes.
10:37 Dax Shepard? Get the fuck on the chair, birthday girl.
10:39 Speaker 02 This is what they made us do. So I light the candle, I hand her the sundae, and I turn around, I face the restaurant, and I yell, attention, Hard Rock Cafe. They want us to do like, how's everyone doing tonight?
10:51 Speaker 01 Oh, god.
10:52 Dax Shepard? Oh, yeah, crowd participation. Don't forget to check out the merch. We gotta get rid of some of these ads. Double dip.
11:00 Speaker 02 Attention Hora Cafe, this is whatever her name is, birthday tonight. I want everyone on the count of three to say happy birthday. And there's a collective gasp.
11:10 Speaker 01 Again.
11:11 Speaker 02 And I was like, oh my God, no. So I slowly turn around and she's on her back.
11:16 Dax Shepard? Oh.
11:16 Speaker 02 The chair is tipped backwards.
11:18 Speaker 01 Okay.
11:19 Speaker 02 The sundae's on her chest, her face, it looks like it exploded everywhere. She's screaming, crying. All the girls are jumping up. The mother's looking at me like, you're fucking dead.
11:30 Dax Shepard? Yeah, you're literally the worst server ever.
11:33 Speaker 02 I look at the dad and he's trying so hard not to laugh.
11:37 Dax Shepard? Okay, good. He's blasted enough, he's seeing the humor in it.
11:40 Speaker 02 I again run away.
11:43 Speaker 01 I hope to get a wet towel this time.
11:45 Speaker 02 I go in the back, I find my manager and I say, can you please bring a clean wet towel? So I go out there trying to avoid eye contact, hoping they're cleaned up and someone's taking care of the check. And I feel a tap, tap, tap. And I turn around, it's the dad and he slips me two twenties.
11:58 Dax Shepard? Oh.
11:59 Speaker 02 And he gives me a little nod. And so I said, well, I ruined her birthday, but I guess I made his night.
12:04 Speaker 01 Wow.
12:06 Dax Shepard? He's surrounded by all these little girls and this woman. And then he saw another man enter and have the same terrible luck he has. He's like, I know, brother. I know what it's like to disappoint these gals. I do it daily. Here's 40 bucks.
12:19 Speaker 01 That was really nice of him.
12:21 Speaker 02 And it's not like I was doing these things on purpose, right?
12:23 Dax Shepard? Right. It's not your fault she's got terrible balance.
12:26 Speaker 01 It is your fault that you made her stand up on that chair though.
12:30 Dax Shepard? I don't think the chair was the issue as much as do not hand her something that weighs a third of much as her body mass and put her in a precarious. It was one or the other, either have her hold the dessert or get her up on the chair, but not both, I think.
12:42 Speaker 01 These are the lessons we learn in life. You came out really unscathed, I gotta say.
12:47 Dax Shepard? Did mom sign the tip on the master bill? Did you get a pretty shit tip beside from the 40?
12:53 Speaker 02 What I do remember is that parties of six or more, they would include the tip. And that one, my manager was like, we're not including the tip.
13:00 Dax Shepard? Oh.
13:01 Speaker 01 I'm surprised the meal wasn't free.
13:04 Speaker 02 He probably comped the jumbo combo.
13:08 Dax Shepard? Maybe that dessert that almost gave her a concussion. Thank God the fucking thing was in a plastic.
13:12 Speaker 01 I know.
13:13 Dax Shepard? Yeah, if you would have looked down, there was blood everywhere.
13:15 Speaker 01 Oh.
13:17 Dax Shepard? You could be telling a much different story. Time that you murdered a 10 year old at her birthday party.
13:23 Speaker 02 Different prompt.
13:26 Speaker 01 Thank you for that story.
13:27 Dax Shepard? Yes, thank you, Justin.
13:29 Speaker 02 Thank you for having me. Can I go yell at my husband, bring him in here?
13:31 Dax Shepard? Yes, of course. Hi, what's your name?
13:35 Speaker 02 Mark.
13:36 Dax Shepard? Are you from the UK?
13:37 Speaker 02 I'm British.
13:38 Speaker 01 Oh. Who's this cutie pie?
13:41 Speaker 02 He also has a bit of a weird accent because she's raised by the two of us.
13:46 Dax Shepard? Yes.
13:47 Speaker 02 She's half Jersey, half British. This is Larson Jean.
13:50 Dax Shepard? Hi.
13:51 Speaker 02 Hey, Monica.
13:52 Speaker 03 Hi, Monica.
13:53 Dax Shepard? Oh, hi, Monica.
13:55 Speaker 01 Hi.
13:56 Dax Shepard? Hi.
13:59 Dax Shepard? Well, you guys.
14:00 Speaker 01 Thank you, guys.
14:01 Dax Shepard? Congrats on this beautiful family.
14:03 Speaker 02 Thank you.
14:04 Dax Shepard? All right, be well, take care.
14:05 Speaker 02 Thanks for having me.
14:06 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
14:06 Speaker 01 Bye.
14:07 Dax Shepard? All right, bye.
14:09 Dax Shepard? Nothing cuter than hearing your name from a little baby.
14:12 Speaker 01 Noah said it the other day and it was so cute.
14:15 Dax Shepard? He said Monica?
14:15 Speaker 01 Yeah.
14:16 Dax Shepard? Does he say Monica or does he say Monica?
14:18 Speaker 01 No, no, no. It takes them a long, long time to get that middle syllable. That's a hard one.
14:23 Dax Shepard? Because my kids did Monica a bit.
14:25 Speaker 01 Monica and Mama Ma.
14:26 Dax Shepard? Mama Ma.
14:27 Speaker 01 That was Delta.
14:28 Dax Shepard? Mama Ma. I wish this was a fact check so I could tell you Delta's most recent story.
14:33 Speaker 01 Oh.
14:33 Dax Shepard? I'll say in a nutshell, the Arons are in town. She's not been around the three of us. She's just meeting Tyrell for the first time. I'm going to put her in bed last night and she goes, Dad, do you think Tyrell ever feels left out? And I said, oh, that's such a beautiful instinct to worry about that. But I don't think so. We've been all really great friends for 35 years and I think he's maybe a little shy. And she goes, okay, did you ask him that? Are you assuming that? And I go, fuck, I'm assuming it. Do you want to go ask him? And she goes, yeah, let's go talk to him. So we went downstairs. And the Arons were downstairs watching TV and we said, Tyrell, can we ask you a question? And then we got this question out and he was like, oh my God, thanks for worrying about that.
15:13 Dax Shepard? I have a relationship with each of them individually and then when they're together, this new person emerges and I just enjoy watching and I'm glad I don't have to talk. So he just like walked through the whole thing. I was like, oh, thank God I assumed correctly, but she was right. I never asked him, but I assumed that was the case.
15:26 Speaker 01 Oh, she's always looking out.
15:28 Dax Shepard? She's so empathetic, yeah.
15:31 Speaker 01 She is. You know, I take her for her birthday.
15:34 Dax Shepard? Yeah, to the reckless unicorn.
15:35 Speaker 01 And Target. The year before that, we had lumped in Christmas and her birthday. And so Lincoln, we all went. This year, we didn't do that. And so I took her and then on the way home, she said, do you take Lincoln on a shopping spree for her birthday? And I was like, well, no, I don't. Something that we just started for me and you, but maybe I should start doing that. And she was like, yeah. Instead of just being like, I get this special thing.
16:03 Dax Shepard? Like I would do.
16:04 Speaker 01 She's very rare.
16:06 Dax Shepard? I know.
16:06 Speaker 01 But it makes me think, then I need to give you a shopping spree every day. Like you deserve so many shopping sprees.
16:22 Dax Shepard? We get support from Gusto. So here's the thing about running a small business that nobody romanticizes. It's not the big idea that wears you down. It's the payroll, the tax filings, the wait, do I need workers comp for this stuff? That's the part that quietly eats away your whole afternoon, which is where Gusto comes in. Gusto is online payroll and benefit software built for small businesses. It's all in one, remote friendly and incredibly easy to use. So you can pay onboard and support your team from anywhere. They handle automatic tax filing, direct deposits, health benefits, 401k, all of it. And you get unlimited payroll runs for one monthly price. No hidden fees, no surprises.
17:04 Dax Shepard? If something tricky comes up, you've got direct access to certified HR experts who actually know what they're talking about. And they're ranked number one on G2's highest satisfaction products list for 2026, entrusted by over 500,000 small businesses. That's not nothing. Try Gusto today at gusto.com/dax and get three months free when you run your first payroll. That's three months of free payroll at gusto.com/dax. Again, that's gusto.com/dax. We get support from our sponsor, Lilly. For adults with obesity or with excess weight and weight related medical problems, it's time to find out about Foundo or for Gleepran. Foundo is a once daily prescription GLP-1 medicine
17:49 Dax Shepard? used with a reduced calorie diet and increased physical activity to help adults with obesity or some adults with overweight who also have weight related medical problems to lose excess body weight and keep the weight off.
18:00 Speaker 04 Foundao should not be used with other GLP-1 receptor agonist medicines. It is not known if Foundao is safe and effective for use in children. Don't take Foundao if you're allergic to it, or if you or someone in your family had medullary thyroid cancer or multiple endocrine euplasia syndrome type 2. Stop and call your doctor right away if you have an allergic reaction, a lump or swelling in your neck, or severe stomach pain. Serious side effects may include inflamed pancreas and gallbladder problems. Tell your doctor if you experience vision changes, if you're nursing, pregnant, plant to be, or taking birth control pills, and before scheduled procedures with anesthesia. Taking Foundao with an insulin or sulfonylurea may cause low blood sugar. Side effects include diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting, which can cause dehydration and may cause kidney problems. Once daily Foundao is available by prescription only
18:43 Speaker 04 in 0.8 milligram, 2.5 milligram, 5.5 milligram, 9 milligram, 14.5 milligram, and 17.2 milligram tablets. Learn more at foundao.lily.com or call 1-800-LILY-RX. Now is perfect to talk to your doctor about Foundao.
18:58 Dax Shepard? This episode is supported by Helix.
19:01 Speaker 01 Okay, can we talk about how November is basically survival mode? Between the holidays, the travel, the hosting, the cooking, the everything. Sleep is the one thing keeping me from completely unraveling.
19:12 Dax Shepard? It really is the foundation. And I think people underestimate how much a bad mattress is quietly ruining their day. You wake up stiff, your back's angry, you're already behind before your feet hit the floor.
19:23 Speaker 01 That was me before Helix. I took their sleep quiz, which is so fast. It took me like two minutes and they matched me to a mattress that actually fits how I sleep. Not a guess, not a firm or soft coin flip, it's a real match. I have a midnight mattress and I really like it. I was noticing it because I actually had to sleep in one of my other beds recently.
19:41 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
19:42 Speaker 01 That doesn't have a Helix mattress on it. And I really could tell a big difference in my sleep.
19:46 Dax Shepard? Temperature was all over the map.
19:47 Speaker 01 It was a mess. I need a new one.
19:49 Dax Shepard? Look, they've got over 20 mattress models. So whether you sleep hot, need extra back support, or you've got a partner who moves around all night, there's one built for you. Plus free shipping and a 365 night happy with Helix guarantee. That's a full year to decide.
20:03 Speaker 01 Helix has been named the most awarded mattress by Forbes, Wired, and more. So it's not just us being enthusiastic, the experts agree.
20:10 Dax Shepard? Right now, Helix is running their Black Friday sale with up to 30% off. Go to helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. That's helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. Helixsleep.com/armchair. We get support from NoBull. The holidays can get hectic. You finally hit a post summer routine and suddenly you're on hosting duty every week.
20:38 Speaker 01 That's when you really need to ground yourself.
20:40 Dax Shepard? Exactly, and that's why I keep my training routine through the holidays. It's the whole NoBull idea. There's a no bullshit training brand built around consistency, honesty, and just putting in the work. It's not about adding more pressure to an already packed schedule. It's about having the gear and the habits to move through the season your way. My personal favorite, all three of the shoes are fantastic. The Outwork, the Outwork Flex, and the Drive 2. I like the Drive 2 because it's a hybrid. And I lift, of course, but I also like to do what's called box jumps. Right? I do a lot of jumping onto a little platform and I want a little more flexibility. And boy, do they deliver.
21:17 Speaker 01 And if you're a cardio person and you're running and you also need to be lifting.
21:21 Dax Shepard? And the style is banging. I don't know what to say. Beautiful style, very breathable, very, very comfortable, lots of support. They were built for lifting.
21:29 Speaker 01 They also make a great holiday gift. You know, I love gifting, a purposeful one that actually supports someone's goals and routines. And it's not a gift that just ends up in the back of the closet.
21:38 Dax Shepard? Stay stronger than the season. Head to nobullproject.com all holiday season to shop new deals every week.
21:54 Speaker 05 Hello.
21:55 Speaker 01 Oh, wonderful.
21:56 Dax Shepard? You're in a vehicle.
21:58 Speaker 05 Monica, I am so sorry. I'm not in the closet.
22:01 Speaker 01 No, you sound great.
22:02 Speaker 05 I worked from my car and I tried so hard to find a street that was extra quiet. And for whatever reason, today it's like the Audubon.
22:09 Speaker 01 No, you're fine.
22:11 Dax Shepard? What job are you running out of your vehicle? I'm so interested.
22:14 Speaker 05 I am in wine sales.
22:16 Speaker 01 Ooh.
22:17 Dax Shepard? There we go.
22:17 Speaker 05 So I have a trunk full of wine. I work for a distributor and I travel from account to account and sample them online. And then bring home whatever doesn't get tasted.
22:27 Speaker 01 Oh my.
22:28 Dax Shepard? Monica's backup dream job, right?
22:30 Speaker 01 I missed out. Wow.
22:32 Dax Shepard? You thought you had your dream job, but you don't.
22:34 Speaker 01 I guess I don't.
22:35 Speaker 05 It's a wonderful gig. I will not lie.
22:37 Dax Shepard? What state are you in? Actually, hold on. I'm gonna guess space nothing more than there are two buildings behind you that are clapboard. And they look like they're from the 1800s. So I'm going New England. I'm starting in New England. Are you in New England?
22:52 Dax Shepard? Old England?
22:53 Speaker 01 Yeah, original England.
22:55 Speaker 05 Dax, you are correct. I am actually in Rhode Island.
22:58 Dax Shepard? In Rhode Island.
22:59 Speaker 01 Wow, I don't think we get many Rhode Islanders. This is exciting.
23:02 Dax Shepard? Did you appreciate that one? That was fun. Cause that's just a building in the background.
23:06 Speaker 01 Cause that blue door felt very London to me.
23:09 Dax Shepard? It's the yellow and red house and the deep BG. That's a giveaway.
23:12 Speaker 01 Wow.
23:13 Speaker 05 I'm actually right now, pretty much on the Brown University campus, cause Brown takes up most of Providence. So I'm on a really beautiful street that is just all old houses that a lot of students live in.
23:23 Speaker 01 If you run into any hot professors, send them my way.
23:28 Speaker 05 I will send them your way. I was gonna tell you I had a bone to pick with you about Rhode Island having little brother energy.
23:33 Speaker 01 Oh.
23:33 Dax Shepard? There you go. It's about time. Let it rip.
23:35 Speaker 05 I've been really working on this for a while, wondering if I'd ever had the opportunity to say it.
23:40 Speaker 01 Let's hear it. I deserve to be taken down a peg.
23:43 Speaker 05 I'm gonna go about it in a very nice way. Rhode Island is an incredible state. Born here, raised here. I moved away. I most recently moved back to Austin, Texas. Rhode Island is very, very special. There's more coastline here. It's sunny. So give it a chance.
23:57 Speaker 01 I will. From what I'm seeing, it looks beautiful. I mean, little brothers are beautiful.
24:02 Dax Shepard? Okay, you have a crazy birthday party story.
24:04 Speaker 05 I do. My story takes place in two thousand five. It was my twelfth birthday party. Fun fact, my birthday is on Halloween, which means that every year I get to have cake candy and I get to dress up and I get to do something Halloween related and it's really wonderful. This year in two thousand five, my family was actually in the middle of a mood. So my stepdad had built my family a house that was gorgeous and it looks like a big old red barn from the outside. So when you walk in, the ceiling shot up twenty seven feet. And the second floor started in the middle of the house. So if you were on the second floor, you could yell down to the first floor and have a conversation. So the acoustics were crazy in the house.
24:47 Speaker 05 However, around this time, my mom decided she wanted to move. She wanted to live on a real farm. We had found a farm, we moved out of our old house, but we hadn't closed it yet. So we still owned the house. There was no furniture in it. So I decided for my birthday this year that I wanted to take all of my friends, a group of nine, eleven year olds, up to Salem, Mass. Salem, Massachusetts is known particularly around Halloween time because it's where the Salem Witch Trials took place. During Halloween, there's haunted houses and mock witch trials and wax museums and ghost tours and all of this fun stuff. Something that I loved at eleven, probably not my group of friends idea of fun at the time, especially when they were about two hours away from home and not with their parents anywhere.
25:31 Speaker 05 I was very lucky. My friends agreed, they all came. But then we had a sleepover afterwards back at my old house, which was entirely empty, with the exception of a television. All of my friends brought sleeping bags with them. It's a little creepy. There were some really funky features in the house that my stepdad had built in. Like he put an old confessional from a church in the house that was used as a coat closet. Oh, cool.
25:54 Dax Shepard? Interesting.
25:55 Speaker 05 My mom had a giant wrought iron gate that was the entrance to her office area. So just something really funky. When you get back from a haunted night of things and you're eleven years old in a vacant pitch black house, it's things that can freak you out a little. So it's about ten o'clock at night. All the girls are starting to- Go to sleep. I fall asleep very quickly. I have a tendency to do that. My mom decided to go sleep in a back bedroom in a sleeping bag while all the girls slept in a sleeping bag in the front area of the house. Everyone's falling asleep, but two girls were left awake. So now it's like three o'clock in the morning and they're just having fun and all of a sudden they hear thunder. Which was really weird because there was no rain or nothing happening in the forecast that would call for thunder. So they didn't think anything of it. Then the thunder starts to get a little bit louder.
26:40 Speaker 05 Then they start to hear creaking floorboards. And they're like, that's really strange because there's nobody in the house other than us. And nobody's upstairs because the creaking floorboards were coming from upstairs. Then they start to hear very loud footsteps.
26:53 Dax Shepard? Oh.
26:53 Speaker 05 Oh. At this point in time, they start to lose their minds. They run to get my mom, who is six months pregnant at the time.
27:00 Dax Shepard? Oh, Jesus.
27:01 Speaker 05 So they run to my mom, they wake her up and they're like, Dina, Dina, there's something happening. We're hearing these noises. And my mom's like, you know what? Go back to sleep. You guys got freaked out. We went and did all this haunted stuff. So they go back and a few minutes goes by and they're hearing more. Then it evolves and they start hearing chains rattling. Then they start hearing little kids singing. So at this point, both of them are absolutely in hysterics. So they go back and they get my mom and they shake her. As my mom sits up, she kind of starts to hear what's going on. So she comes into the main area of the house. The other girls start to wake up. The sounds are continuing. Now they're hearing wolves. Then they're hearing a woman singing children. And you. What the fuck? Town, you can possibly think. Oh, my god.
27:44 Speaker 05 My mom is hearing all of this as well. My mom is in a panic. All the girls are crying. My friend Jenna's down on her knees saying her our father. One girl pees her pants. It's just utter chaos. So this goes on for about fifteen minutes. I'm sleeping through this entire thing. My mom grabs her Nokia phone and calls my stepdad. And is rushing to tell him what's going on and he can't breathe. He's laughing so hard.
28:10 Dax Shepard? Okay.
28:11 Speaker 05 So she's like, what is going on? Do you know what's happening? Do you not hear me? By the time he can finally breathe again, he tells her that he rigged a tape in the upstairs closet of the house to go off at three thirty in the morning. That was all Halloween sounds because he wanted to play a prank on all of the girls.
28:29 Speaker 01 Oh, he did. Oh, my God. He did this on purpose.
28:33 Dax Shepard? He's a rascal. This house he built is so weird. And now this.
28:37 Speaker 05 And where he placed it was in the hall upstairs. So the acoustics of the house were in a way that because it was in the hall closet, the whole house echoed with the noise.
28:45 Dax Shepard? Oh, scary.
28:49 Speaker 05 So needless to say, I had a lot of friends that were not allowed to hang out with me for a very long time.
28:55 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
28:57 Speaker 05 My stepdad had to come and pick up one girl to bring her home at four o'clock in the morning because she was inconsolable.
29:04 Dax Shepard? Yeah. How are they going to go back to sleep after this? Even if it's explained to me at that age, I then go, well, this family's crazy. I don't want to be here. Ghosts or no ghosts, these folks are nuts.
29:16 Speaker 05 It was absolute mayhem. And the kicker is that his original plan was there are big glass windows in the house. He was going to have our neighbor come with a bloody mask and a chainsaw and being on the window.
29:28 Dax Shepard? Oh, my God. He thought it was your sixteenth birthday party, not your, he got a little confused on your age.
29:34 Speaker 05 Yeah, he got overly excited.
29:37 Speaker 01 Oh, I hate to say little brother energy, but that reeks of.
29:40 Dax Shepard? Oh, no. You think it reeks of.
29:42 Speaker 01 I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Oh, how fun.
29:45 Dax Shepard? That's definitely big brother energy.
29:47 Speaker 01 No, it's very, it's over the top. Yeah.
29:51 Dax Shepard? Monica, this is no, she's a very fluid definition of big brother energy.
29:56 Speaker 05 Okay, we'll take whatever comes our way.
29:59 Speaker 01 No, he sounds fun.
30:01 Speaker 05 Thank you guys so much. I really appreciate the opportunity.
30:04 Dax Shepard? Ally, you're delightful. And I'm so jealous of where you're at. I want a trip to Rhode Island.
30:09 Speaker 01 I do too. I want to be proven wrong.
30:11 Speaker 05 Come check it out. And Monica, I just want to tell you, I listened to Race to Thirty Five all during my pregnancy. The episodes were coming out every week and it actually inspired me to re-download. Twenty three and me and I had not checked it in years. Within a forty eight hour period of time, my family found out that my mom had a brother. And he lives in Rhode Island. He has daughters my age. We are now incredibly close with them, spend holidays with them. And it wouldn't have been without race for thirty five for now wanting to get in and checking into it.
30:41 Speaker 01 Oh, my gosh. Thank you. I'm so glad.
30:44 Speaker 05 Thank you very much.
30:46 Dax Shepard? All right. Nice meeting you.
30:47 Speaker 01 Bye.
30:48 Dax Shepard? Bye.
30:50 Dax Shepard? Hi, Taylor. How are you?
30:51 Speaker 06 Hello, I'm good. How are you?
30:53 Speaker 01 Dak signed your shirt?
30:54 Dax Shepard? In BFAW. What grocery store were you at?
30:58 Speaker 06 I was at Sprouts in Nashville.
31:01 Dax Shepard? Oh, OK, our last stop.
31:03 Speaker 06 Yes, and you met my little baby.
31:04 Dax Shepard? Yes, we met so many babies on that trip.
31:07 Speaker 06 I know.
31:09 Speaker 01 Little baby tour.
31:11 Dax Shepard? The only thing you were robbed of, not that you would have given a shit, but that was the only stop we made that we weren't driving the bus.
31:16 Speaker 06 I drove around the parking lot to see if the bus was there and was a little sad, but you know, it's fine.
31:22 Dax Shepard? Yeah, that's fair. I had parked it in the barn and I didn't want to deal with trying to find parking for it. Were you someone who got a picture that Lincoln took?
31:30 Speaker 06 No, but I got to meet Ruth.
31:31 Speaker 01 We love Ruthie. Shout out.
31:33 Dax Shepard? Shout out Ruthie. OK, so you have a crazy birthday party story?
31:37 Speaker 06 I do. It was March first, two thousand and three. It's in Nashville where I currently am at.
31:43 Dax Shepard? Can I stop you? We've heard three stories and they've all been twenty years ago or twenty two years ago. It's very interesting.
31:49 Speaker 06 I was seven. I was going to my very first ice skating rink birthday party, super nervous, super excited. And it was towards the end of open skate, right before we were about to get off the ice for cake and presents. I was gonna show my mom how good I had gotten at ice skating. I had picked one of my friend's moms, her name's Betsy, and we were skating around the rink and it felt like we were going lightning speed. And all of a sudden I fall and we were holding hands at the time, fall kind of in front of her. And because we were going lightning speed, she can't stop. So she runs over my fingers.
32:27 Speaker 01 Stop.
32:28 Dax Shepard? Also, I'm gonna add seven years old is pretty young for skating.
32:32 Speaker 01 Tell that to Michelle Kwan.
32:33 Dax Shepard? Well, I won't because she's so good, but imagine Khaleesi skating right now. It's not like anyone's super agile yet.
32:40 Speaker 01 You have to start young if you wanna be good.
32:42 Speaker 06 I will say, most of us were gymnasts, so there's a little more agility there.
32:46 Dax Shepard? Sure, standard deviation above.
32:48 Speaker 06 I didn't know this had happened because I am high on life. I'm the best ice skater that there is at this point.
32:54 Speaker 01 You didn't feel it because you were in shock, probably.
32:56 Speaker 06 Yeah, we go to the bathroom and my mom starts trying to wash my hands to kind of see the cut. That's when I noticed, obviously, the blood and I was like, let's not do this anymore because it's just pouring more blood out of my hand. She's like, okay. So she grabs my hand again, really tight, lifts it up above the heart and takes it to the counter with a bunch of teenagers asking for the first aid kit. They do their best, they wrap it up really tightly. Thankfully, the hospital was only about five minutes down the road. So they get me back and they stitch me up. And my mom likes to tell everybody that I always said, no more numbing medicine, just get the stitches in me because the numbing medicine hurts far worse than the stitches do.
33:35 Dax Shepard? Yes, I've had a lot of stitches in my life and none of the cuts hurt. But man, when they swirl around that needle to get it to swell up so they can get the sutures in, that is murder.
33:45 Speaker 06 Yes.
34:03 Speaker 06 Thankfully, other than my skin being cut, no ligaments or tendons were damaged.
34:08 Dax Shepard? Oh, I was very fearful your little seven-year-old fingers were gonna be on the ring.
34:12 Speaker 01 Me too, and just laying there and someone would have to collect them. Luckily, they're already on ice.
34:17 Dax Shepard? That's helpful, but then another few skaters come by and they chop it up even smaller, right? It started as half a finger now it's thirds. Well, the fingernail goes on the end.
34:28 Speaker 01 Frankenstein situation.
34:29 Dax Shepard? I have the fingernail, let's start there.
34:30 Speaker 06 A finger puree on the ice.
34:32 Speaker 01 Oh.
34:33 Dax Shepard? I can't believe you still have your fingers.
34:36 Speaker 06 And she felt terrible.
34:38 Speaker 01 Can you imagine?
34:39 Dax Shepard? No, running over a little child's fingers with ice skates on, I would be more panicked than the kid.
34:44 Speaker 06 Every time we go ice skating now, anytime someone falls, I immediately clutch my own hands.
34:49 Dax Shepard? Have you done a lot of ice skating since then?
34:52 Speaker 06 More in my adult years. It took me probably about seven years after that before I went ice skating again. Ended up falling and falling on my head.
35:00 Dax Shepard? Oh.
35:00 Speaker 06 Then it took another several years before I got back on the ice.
35:04 Speaker 01 Yeah, I don't think it's for you.
35:05 Dax Shepard? Might not be your sport, yeah. Did you ever get fucked up in gymnastics?
35:09 Speaker 06 I broke something. That was my career ending injury, but it wasn't that bad. It was just a fractured ankle. I was already phasing out.
35:16 Dax Shepard? You knew you weren't going to that next level.
35:18 Speaker 06 Oh, no. I'm a C plus gymnast at best.
35:22 Dax Shepard? Monty, did you ever break anything?
35:23 Speaker 01 No, I ripped my hamstring. That's the worst thing that's happened.
35:26 Dax Shepard? But not a full sever, like a tear?
35:29 Speaker 01 I wasn't allowed to go to the doctor because I had to compete and they would have said I can't. But I heard it rip. It was really bad, but no breaks.
35:39 Dax Shepard? Think I'd rather have a broken bone than a ripped hammy.
35:41 Speaker 06 I agree.
35:42 Dax Shepard? Well, Taylor, it's nice to see you again.
35:44 Speaker 06 It's nice to see you again. It's nice to meet you, Monica.
35:47 Speaker 01 So nice to meet you.
35:49 Speaker 06 Can I give a shout out to my friends?
35:51 Dax Shepard? Of course.
35:52 Speaker 06 Claire, we started working together a couple of years ago and she recognized this sweatshirt and she goes, are you an arm cherry? And I said, I sure am. And it kickstarted our friendship.
36:03 Dax Shepard? That's our dream. Yeah, our dream is that people see each other in the wild and then become friends.
36:08 Speaker 01 Yeah, I love that. Is she so cool like you?
36:11 Speaker 06 She is the coolest.
36:12 Dax Shepard? All arm cherries are. All right, we'll give her our love and great seeing you.
36:16 Speaker 06 Thank you.
36:17 Dax Shepard? All right, take care.
36:18 Speaker 06 Bye.
36:20 Speaker 01 Hi.
36:21 Dax Shepard? Is this Ariana?
36:22 Speaker 07 It is. This is a big year for my name.
36:24 Dax Shepard? Oh, it sure is. Is that a common name growing up or no?
36:29 Speaker 07 No, my parents picked it out of a book they got at a garage sale.
36:33 Dax Shepard? Oh, wow. Probably an outdated baby names book?
36:35 Speaker 07 Yes, definitely. I've seen the book. It's falling apart.
36:39 Speaker 01 Oh, I thought they found a book at a garage sale and the character's name like yours.
36:42 Dax Shepard? Right. I went straight to baby naming, but outdated because it's at a garage sale. Yeah, I think that's the way to do it. Where did you grow up?
36:50 Speaker 07 Northern New Jersey. I'm in upstate New York now.
36:52 Dax Shepard? Which is better?
36:53 Speaker 07 That's hard. Better bagels in New Jersey.
36:58 Speaker 01 Oh, you're gonna start a beef.
36:59 Dax Shepard? A bagel brawl.
37:00 Speaker 07 New York City bagels are better, but upstate bagels don't really exist.
37:04 Dax Shepard? They're bunk.
37:04 Speaker 01 Interesting.
37:05 Dax Shepard? What's the vibe where you're at? Is it rural?
37:07 Speaker 07 I live about 25 minutes south of Saratoga Springs, if you've ever been.
37:12 Dax Shepard? Haven't been, but I know this is where all the people vacationed in the Gilded Age. The camps were there and stuff.
37:19 Speaker 07 Actually, the Gilded Age is filmed near me.
37:22 Dax Shepard? Oh, it is?
37:23 Speaker 01 Fun.
37:23 Dax Shepard? Okay, so you have a crazy birthday party story?
37:26 Speaker 07 Yes. So I should start by saying I am like a type A kind of mom. My friends are always like, why do you go so hard? You're making us look bad. So I always have made my kids birthday invitations. I have two daughters, eight and five. And I'll put a silly little photo of them with some graphic. So last year was my daughter's eighth birthday and eight, I'm sure you know, Dax, they're starting to get a little sassy and have their own personality. And she wanted her party at the bowling alley. We're big kids now, no parents to hang out by us. The invitation and I'm also a little at this point exhausted from RSVP etiquette not existing anymore.
38:07 Speaker 07 No one wants to chase down the parents in the classroom that you don't actually know, like, are you coming or are you not? So I decided to do an Evite, which I've never used Evite before this time, but I had received them. So I sign up for Evite, I upload the invitation that I made. And I'm also weird about importing contacts. I have old bosses in my phone, like people I don't want to text. So here I am manually uploading each number. And I put them in, I send the invite out. I start getting some RSVPs. I'm like, okay, that went great. The next day, I, at the time, was working in corporate radio. My life, though, because I was corporate, was all day on camera in meetings, can't pick up my phone. And I see someone's calling me a number I don't know, so definitely not picking up.
38:52 Speaker 07 I ignore it. Then they call again. I ignore it. I'm in a meeting at the time. So I've ignored two calls. I see they left a voicemail. Then I see I get a text, the same number. And I can't look at my phone, but I can glance and all I see is Officer da-da-da.
39:07 Dax Shepard? Oh.
39:08 Speaker 07 So at this point, I tell the people in my meeting, I'm so sorry. I just have to pick this up quick. Some officer keeps calling me. But I made the mistake of just muting my sound and not my camera.
39:19 Speaker 01 Uh-oh.
39:20 Speaker 07 I pick up and he says, this is parole officer such and such. I'm calling because I need you to confirm that you intended to send an invitation to one of my parolees.
39:31 Speaker 01 Oh, no. One of the kid's parents in school?
39:34 Speaker 07 That's where my head went first, like one of the moms or dads.
39:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
39:38 Dax Shepard? And let's be honest, the moms. I'm sure that's whose numbers you had. That's more exciting to think one of the moms is an ex-con than the dads.
39:45 Speaker 01 What'd they do?
39:46 Speaker 07 So I'm still on camera, but I turn to go to my other screen and I pop open Evite and I ask him for the number. He thinks I texted and then I see it. I put a six instead of a seven on the end. So then I ask, who did I text? Are they coming to my party? And the officer tells me that I texted one of the most violent vicious child sex offenders.
40:11 Speaker 01 Oh my.
40:14 Dax Shepard? Oh my God.
40:15 Speaker 01 So this was a typo?
40:16 Dax Shepard? This is his dream fucking invite to a kid's birthday.
40:20 Speaker 01 And he's like, I was invited.
40:21 Dax Shepard? Yes. A boy nearly, there's alcohol. This is like the dream scenario.
40:26 Speaker 01 He hit the jackpot.
40:27 Speaker 07 Yeah. So at this point, I start crying. I am a mess and I just raced to hang up my meeting. And I just figured I'd tell them later what happened. I go into a panic, asking all the questions, saying all the things you just said. First of all, the number that called is my area code. So this officer was in my area code, which means that this person lives about two hours drive away, which is drivable. To come to my party.
40:49 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah.
40:50 Speaker 07 The next place my mind went was the invitation, which I did send you a copy.
40:55 Dax Shepard? Oh.
40:55 Speaker 07 My gorgeous daughter's on it.
40:57 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
40:58 Dax Shepard? Okay, time for me to take, oh, boy, okay. Yep, it's Zoe's eighth birthday and Zoe's being very sassy in the photo.
41:06 Speaker 01 She's so cute.
41:06 Dax Shepard? Hands on hips. If I were this violent pedophile, even I would be smart enough to go, this feels like entrapment. Clearly, the government's running a sting on me.
41:17 Speaker 07 I'm worried about her picture mostly.
41:19 Speaker 01 Yes.
41:20 Speaker 07 I didn't send you the town we live in, but it was on it. And when you open the e-vite, it has date, time, address, like my phone number, my email.
41:28 Dax Shepard? Yeah, you're inviting this monster into your world.
41:31 Speaker 01 Thank God, though, it wasn't a party we were throwing at your house.
41:34 Speaker 07 That's true. Where your mind went, Dax, though, is actually what happened. So the officer told me that the reason he even found out about this is that the parolee did believe it was a sting.
41:46 Dax Shepard? Of course.
41:47 Speaker 01 No way.
41:48 Dax Shepard? Well, look, you're a convicted fucking offender and you get this sassy invite to an eight-year-old's birthday. This is entrapment.
41:55 Speaker 01 Okay, but if he did go, would he be in trouble since he was invited?
42:00 Dax Shepard? That's a great question. I'm sure he's not allowed to be within X amount of feet of a school and a playground, but I don't know about a bowling alley or a birthday party.
42:08 Speaker 07 So I did get some more details on the man because at this point I'm spinning out of control. The officer's trying to calm me down, but also he's an officer, so he can't just be like, nah, everything's fine. He tells me that truly he committed so many crimes in four or five states to the point where he's about an eighty-something-year-old man. He has lived most of his life in prison.
42:31 Speaker 01 Oh, God. And he's at the end of his day, so he's ready to get back out there.
42:36 Dax Shepard? I don't, well, this is a bigger and dicier question. Okay, I'm curious because we often hear rape's not a crime of sex, it's a crime of control. I don't know what mentally is going on with the pedophilia world, but you would imagine as someone's sexual desire declines with age, as happens, does that all go away or is it still such a mess? Mental sickness.
42:59 Speaker 01 Good question.
43:00 Dax Shepard? Is it even related to your sexuality? I don't know. We'd have to ask this gentleman. Well, I shouldn't call him a gentleman. He's, if there's anyone we cannot call.
43:06 Speaker 01 This monster.
43:08 Speaker 07 I've never heard an officer talk this way, but he started saying, I don't believe in punishment, but I believe this man deserves punishment. Like it's disgusting what he's done. And then he gave me his name and a photo. He encouraged me to look up what he had done.
43:22 Speaker 01 Oh my god.
43:24 Dax Shepard? And you did? You went down the rabbit hole of his crimes?
43:27 Speaker 07 Very hard.
43:27 Dax Shepard? I stand by the decision to give you the photo because you want to keep your eyes peeled at the party.
43:33 Speaker 07 Yes. And this officer was a little funny. He said to me, I don't think you have to worry because of his age, he can't really drive. He can't really see that well. He does have an ankle monitor. He's not allowed to leave his house. But make no mistake, if you do find yourself in a room with him, you are in grave danger.
43:49 Speaker 01 Oh my god. Wow. He's kind of the Jinxey.
43:54 Dax Shepard? Yeah, Bob Durfey.
43:55 Speaker 01 Yeah. And you think like, he's 80, it's fine, but it's not fine.
43:59 Speaker 07 Apparently he doesn't even really understand phones because he was in prison so long. So he actually never saw the photo of my daughter, but he did see the words, "You're invited to Zoe's 8th birthday party."
44:10 Dax Shepard? This is a fucking bizarre turn of events.
44:13 Speaker 01 This really is.
44:15 Speaker 07 The officer offered, because he could sense he was not going to put me at ease, to geolocate the person the day of the party. I was like, can you just send a whole troop here to the bowling alley? But then realized that might be much. I hang up with him. That's the plan. Text him day of. But then I faced this super serious moral dilemma of do I tell the parents who are coming to the party?
44:39 Dax Shepard? Listen, I don't think so.
44:41 Speaker 01 Did you?
44:41 Speaker 07 For the most part, no. So they'll hear it on this podcast.
44:44 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no reason to unleash all this fear among them. Is it going to help make the situation safer? No.
44:51 Speaker 07 No, it's going to ruin my daughter's party.
44:52 Dax Shepard? They might even not bring their kids. There's already a cop involved.
44:56 Speaker 01 Did you consider moving the location?
44:58 Speaker 07 Yes, but I would have had a lot of questions. And again, RSVPs were already hard to get. I did tell the friend of mine whose number I messed up. I was Like this is how important it is to be careful when you write your phone number. And she laughed, but day of the party came and I woke up and I said, Officer blah, blah, blah. I texted, I would like you to geolocate. Thank you. And about 25 minutes later, he wrote back and said, I have located him. He is at his residence. Have a great party! Exclamation point.
45:29 Dax Shepard? Oh, my God.
45:30 Speaker 01 Wow. That's a great also cautionary tale.
45:33 Dax Shepard? I want your friend now to receive a text intended for him. That's what's exciting. If it's one number off, she should like keep her eyes peeled for some suspicious meetups.
45:44 Speaker 01 True. She could save the day.
45:46 Dax Shepard? Yeah, she could alert the police.
45:48 Speaker 01 Wow.
45:49 Dax Shepard? Well, Ariana, I'm really sad I missed this party because it does look like a blast. Was it a great party?
45:54 Speaker 07 You know, I wasn't allowed to really talk to her.
45:56 Dax Shepard? Sure.
45:57 Speaker 07 I think she had a good time. This year even, she's turning nine next month and she just said she doesn't want to party. She just wants to chill with three friends.
46:04 Dax Shepard? Oh, cool. Smoke a little weed, pop on Netflix.
46:09 Speaker 01 Well, thank you so much for sharing that.
46:11 Speaker 07 Thank you so much. I've been listening since the first episode. This is the most exciting thing that ever happened.
46:16 Speaker 01 Oh, wonderful. For sticking with us.
46:18 Speaker 07 Yes, of course.
46:19 Dax Shepard? All right. Take care.
46:22 Speaker 01 Oh, pedophiles.
46:24 Dax Shepard? That's a bummer. We have pedophiles.
46:26 Speaker 01 It really is a bummer.
46:27 Dax Shepard? Of all the fucking peculiar human antics, that one is like, oh, fuck.
46:33 Speaker 01 It really is.
46:35 Dax Shepard? And I feel bad for them.
46:36 Speaker 01 I do, too.
46:37 Dax Shepard? What a fucking terrible experience on planet Earth. Ah, happy birthday, everybody.
46:43 Dax Shepard? It's your birthday. Happy, happy birthday. You have a crazy birthday, Soraya?
46:47 Speaker 01 I had a really fun fondue party for my sweet 16.
46:51 Dax Shepard? Oh, you did? Oh, that's nice.
46:53 Speaker 01 That was nice.
46:54 Dax Shepard? The only one I remember is I got to go to McDonald's once and I got to invite like three kids from my neighborhood. And I invited Betsy Goodwin, who I had a crush on, and I got some present. My mom would remember the details more because she really didn't like her after this. And she said she would marry me if I gave her one of my presents and I did.
47:11 Speaker 01 And then she didn't marry you?
47:13 Dax Shepard? No, we got married. We were divorced.
47:15 Speaker 01 Seems like she did the right thing. She stuck to her promise.
47:18 Dax Shepard? I used to be a real patsy, a putz.
47:21 Speaker 01 Well, you really swung in the other direction.
47:23 Dax Shepard? I really did.
47:24 Speaker 01 Okay.
47:25 Dax Shepard? All right. Goodbye. Love you.
47:28 Dax Shepard? Do you wanna sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song.
47:31 Speaker 08 Oh. Okay, great.
47:33 Dax Shepard? We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, a rhyme dish. On the fly, a rhyme dish. Enjoy.
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