Armchair Anonymous: Bar Stories

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us a crazy bar story. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dax Shepard?

  Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard and I'm joined by Buck Rogers.

• 0:05Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 0:06Dax Shepard?

  Today we have crazy bar stories. Bars are very fertile ground.

• 0:10Speaker 01

  I mean, nothing, well, I shouldn't say nothing good happens.

• 0:14Dax Shepard?

  People find their soulmates at bars.

• 0:16Speaker 01

  Me, cute!

• 0:16Dax Shepard?

  Yes, but alas, that's not these types of stories. You know, we have every version of depravity happening. So, please enjoy crazy bar stories. We get support from Quince.

• 0:30Speaker 01

  I have to say, I am so ready for fall. I want sweaters. I've been craving a true crisp morning where I actually need a jacket. I can't wait.

• 0:39Dax Shepard?

  I'm fully there. The second it dips below 70, I'm like, this is my season. Give me the layers, give me the boots, give me a reason to wear something other than a t-shirt. And honestly, that's why I love Quince, because fall is when your wardrobe actually has to show up. And everything at Quince is 50 to 80% less than similar brands. We're talking 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, starting at $60.

• 1:01Speaker 01

  $60! $60 for cashmere that you'd expect from a luxury brand without the luxury price tag. It's amazing. Gets me every time. It really shouldn't be real, but it is because they go straight to the factories, they skip the middlemen, and they just hand you the savings. The stuff isn't trendy, it's the kind of pieces you grab over and over because they work every time.

• 1:19Dax Shepard?

  The 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters for me are it. When I look at Steve McQueen, this man owned a couple of sweaters he wore all the time and he looks iconic.

• 1:28Speaker 01

  It's a uniform.

• 1:29Dax Shepard?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:30Speaker 01

  And Quince isn't just about the clothes. They have hotel-quality bedding, cookware, bath essentials, thoughtfully-designed furniture. You can really go there and outfit your entire apartment or house. So if you're in need of any kind of fall refresh at home, too, same quality, same attention to detail for every corner of your life.

• 1:48Dax Shepard?

  Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK, too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. We get support from AG1. Fall is that time when your body and mind are getting ready for the winter. You're settling in, bracing for the cold. Your body's already running a deficit from the shorter days and broken sleep patterns. You don't want a nutrient deficit stacked on top of that, too.

• 2:24Speaker 01

  That's where your AG1 routine earns its spot. It's not fixing your sleep or your alarm time. It's giving your body what it needs so the dark mornings don't tank you before you even start. One scoop, cold water every morning before anything else.

• 2:36Dax Shepard?

  AG1 Next Gen has 75 plus ingredients, vitamins, minerals, pre and probiotics, superfoods, backed by four separate gold standard clinical trials. Key nutrient levels improved with three months of consistent use.

• 2:50Speaker 01

  That's the part people miss. It's not a one day fix. It's what happens when you stay consistent.

• 2:54Dax Shepard?

  It's an easy, everyday thing. I've added it to my morning routine and I'm going to tell you, I actually love the taste of it. It's like Pavlovian. I drink it and I know, mm, I'm going to get that little vitamin buzz.

• 3:04Speaker 01

  Well, that's also the thing. When you do it first thing in the morning, you already feel kind of self-esteem because you're like, I already did something good for myself.

• 3:12Dax Shepard?

  Yes. Go to drinkag1.com/dax and for a limited time, get a free immunity bundle, including a bottle of omega three fish oil and a bottle of vitamin D3 K2 with your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro. That's drinkag1.com/dax. And after checkout, be sure to let them know that Armchair Experts sent you.

• 3:56Speaker 02

  You guys see me?

• 3:57Dax Shepard?

  Oh, we can see you, we can hear you. What is this sound dampening you've put up? Are those trifold mattresses? What are those?

• 4:04Speaker 02

  No, it's a nugget. I don't know if you guys know what those are. It's for kids. You can basically make little shapes for them to climb on. Each one is about 18 inches thick.

• 4:13Dax Shepard?

  Oh, and they're big cubes, kind of.

• 4:14Speaker 01

  That's fine.

• 4:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:15Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow. Where are you, Justin?

• 4:17Speaker 02

  I'm in central Wisconsin right now.

• 4:19Dax Shepard?

  When did you move there?

• 4:20Speaker 02

  I moved here about three years ago, I'd say.

• 4:22Dax Shepard?

  From where?

• 4:24Speaker 02

  Minneapolis, where the story takes place.

• 4:26Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay. So you have a bar story. Please walk us through it.

• 4:30Speaker 02

  All right. So to set the stage, this was back in December of 2018. I was working downtown Minneapolis as head of security and was head of security for about six months at the time. At a bar at that time, it was more of like a college place where kids would come from the U of M and go parties. So it was pretty busy. I broke up a lot of fights, literally almost daily. One time I had to go to the hospital due to another injury.

• 4:51Dax Shepard?

  Can I ask really quick, two questions? How common is it to have to have a head of security? Is that just because it was a college town, do you think? Or is that common in Minneapolis?

• 4:59Speaker 02

  It's pretty common.

• 5:00Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay. And then second, how do you qualify for the job? Like, what's the interview like? How are they determining whether or not you can handle your business?

• 5:07Speaker 02

  They've seen me before. I've broken up quite a lot of fights.

• 5:09Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great, great.

• 5:10Speaker 02

  So one night at about 2:30 in the morning after the bars close, me and one of my security guards, we take one of the barricades and we're going to go around the building to put it into the garage where we put all the barricades and heat lamps. When we go around the corner, I see two men punching one woman.

• 5:27Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

• 5:29Speaker 02

  I hesitated for a second because I remember my boss constantly told us, do not break up fights that are outside because liability issues, only do it inside. But I'm not going to let two men beat up a woman. So I dropped the barricade and I ran over there and tried to pull off one of the guys. He tried to punch me, but I was sober and he definitely was not. So I kind of just stepped back. He missed. I kicked him in the stomach and I punched him in the face and I pushed him over. My other security guard went over there and held him there for a minute. And then I turned to the other guy. He has a handful of her shirt just holding it. And he's about to punch and he kind of looks to my way and he sees me and he starts going towards me to punch. And I saw that coming, so I put my head down and he hit right on the top. So I don't know if you know that would hurt him a lot.

• 6:12Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, his hand's broken for sure.

• 6:13Speaker 02

  Definitely, yeah. After that, he kind of let go of her. I punched him two more times. I used my left hand. I had him in the temple. And then I had him right below the nose. I also heard something crack.

• 6:22Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay.

• 6:23Speaker 02

  He goes down. And he has blood everywhere. He's looking at me and I see that he's missing a tooth. So that was the crack.

• 6:30Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 6:30Speaker 02

  So I turned to the girl and I say, we should go and I'll never forget the way she looked at me. She turns to me and she has two swollen eyes. She's looking at me and she goes, I want to stay here with my boyfriend.

• 6:41Speaker 01

  Oh, that makes me so sad.

• 6:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, I didn't quite know what to say to that. I felt really bad, but then I look over and I see my boss. He's outside the door and he's like, get back in here, Justin, right now. I told her I was gonna go call the police. So I ran there and I get my phone. I called nine one one, I talked to them and they said they were gonna come our way. When I got off the phone, I looked out there and all three of them were gone.

• 7:04Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 7:05Speaker 02

  So I had, you know, I had quite an adrenaline rush. So I couldn't really feel my body at the time. So one of my coworkers said, hey, you're dripping blood off your hand. I looked down and I have about a half inch cut on my knuckle. And I'm like, oh, great. So I go find the first aid kit, which was empty. And so I was like, okay, I'm just gonna put some cold water to this. Another coworker said, you should probably go to the hospital because getting saliva or something like that.

• 7:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, you could go rancid. You could get that cat disease.

• 7:32Speaker 02

  So I ended up going to HCMC, which is a Hennepin County Medical Center. I got there, it was pretty busy. After about, let's say, an hour or so, I got to see a doctor. They washed it out for me a little bit and then they gave me two different antibiotics because I'm allergic to amoxicillin. Then Neil, they sent me home, but they drew a circle on my hand. And they said, if it gets past this, you need to come back.

• 7:51Dax Shepard?

  Hmm.

• 7:51Speaker 02

  I go home and go to sleep and when I wake up at about eleven o'clock in the morning, I can feel my hand is throbbing. And it feels like I could feel my heartbeat in it.

• 8:00Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 8:01Speaker 02

  It was pretty bad to say, look at it. And the circle was down low, but the infection was higher.

• 8:08Dax Shepard?

  Ah, had gone up past your wrist?

• 8:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, only about eight hours after all of that happened.

• 8:13Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God. What was he carrying? Rabies?

• 8:15Speaker 02

  I wish he was drinking more alcohol. It might have, uh, disinfected.

• 8:17Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 8:18Speaker 02

  I decided to go back to the hospital and when I walked into the door, to the left was the emergency room, to the right was urgent care. So I was like, I'm gonna go to urgent care because the emergency room is packed right now. I walked in there and I talked to a nurse and she's getting you all my information and I told her I was there. Earlier today, technically, she looks at my hand and she goes, oh, and she drops everything and she brings me into the emergency room and then I get to the top of the list. So I go in right away. When I see a doctor, he looks at it and he goes, okay, you're probably gonna need surgery.

• 8:48Speaker 01

  What?

• 8:49Dax Shepard?

  Whoa.

• 8:49Speaker 02

  So they got me hooked up on IV antibiotics. And a little bit later, I had a surgeon come in and talk to me and he looks at it, he goes, okay, so this is what we're gonna do. And you know, we're gonna put you under, you're probably gonna stay here for a night or two. About an hour later, they bring me down to get surgery. I think the surgery is about an hour and a half. When I woke up, the surgeon was there and he was talking to me. It was, you're very lucky that you came in when you did because you could have had a finger or your hand amputated from how bad it was infected. I sent pictures.

• 9:19Dax Shepard?

  So wait, they went in there and they actually had to like, cut out the infection? I thought you were about to tell me they extracted the tooth from your hand.

• 9:26Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 9:28Dax Shepard?

  Oh my god, the tooth lodged in his hand.

• 9:31Speaker 02

  Oh, that would have been horrible. He probably swallowed it.

• 9:34Speaker 01

  Wait, yeah, so they cut out?

• 9:36Speaker 02

  You can see the pictures.

• 9:37Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, let's go.

• 9:38Speaker 02

  They kind of cut it, it looks like an S sort of.

• 9:40Dax Shepard?

  Oh yeah, it looks real gross, like it's gonna pop with infection.

• 9:43Speaker 01

  Ew.

• 9:43Speaker 02

  Yeah. So the first one, then you have right after I got the circle on my hand. And then the other two were after the surgery.

• 9:49Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow. Did they tell you, did they like, send tissue samples away and then tell you what the infect? I mean, I guess it doesn't matter, but I'm so curious. What was it?

• 10:00Speaker 02

  I'm not sure. I didn't even ask that. It was very painful. As you can see in one of the pictures, it looks like they kind of forgot some of the gauze and they kept it in there. But that was kind of like a wick to get rid of.

• 10:09Speaker 01

  Oh, keep sucking up?

• 10:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:11Dax Shepard?

  Oh yeah, it's hanging. Look, Monica, it's hanging out of the.

• 10:13Speaker 01

  I saw.

• 10:14Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you don't like.

• 10:15Speaker 01

  I don't need to keep looking.

• 10:16Speaker 02

  The most painful part was when they removed that. I thought it was just gonna be like, you know, half an inch. There is probably an inch and a half or something. And he pulled it out quick. He goes, this is gonna hurt.

• 10:26Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 10:27Dax Shepard?

  And did you examine it when it came out? I would really want to see what was happening on.

• 10:31Speaker 02

  Oh yeah, it was very bloody.

• 10:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:33Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 10:34Speaker 02

  I called my boss after that and I told him, you know, I'm probably gonna be here for a few days. He asked me if it was gonna be workers comp and I said, oh yeah, yeah, that'll be workers comp. So he was pretty upset about that. So I returned to work about a week later. I was told to do a safety briefing for all the security guards. This is how you break up a fight and this is where you break up a fight, not outside.

• 10:55Speaker 01

  What were you gonna do? Not as your job, like as just a person.

• 11:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, they were actually gonna fire me, but a few of my coworkers, female ones, said that they were gonna quit if they did that.

• 11:06Dax Shepard?

  Okay, now this willingness and appetite to get involved in chaos. I want to know how much the red hair plays into it. I don't know if you've ever heard my theories on redheads.

• 11:16Speaker 02

  We have a temper.

• 11:18Dax Shepard?

  I have a few rules you don't fight. You don't fight a guy at a stoplight who, when he gets out, he casually takes his shirt off. Like, not to show off, but just, he's ruined so many shirts that he's learned, just move on, get back in your car. In general, a married guy at the bar, just don't mess with. He's been holding a lot in. And then I don't care what size the redhead is, just keep it moving. I've seen a lot of little, little redheads in junior high and high school get the best of somebody.

• 11:44Speaker 02

  My friends, they'd say I ginger snapped.

• 11:48Speaker 02

  I also have martial arts experience. I got my black belt in karate and some stuff in the military too. So the entire thing from when I saw them to him going down, covering his mouth was about 10 seconds.

• 11:58Dax Shepard?

  Sure.

• 11:59Speaker 02

  It happened very fast.

• 12:00Speaker 01

  God, I wonder what was in his mouth.

• 12:02Dax Shepard?

  He had been eating someone that had flesh eating bacteria.

• 12:06Speaker 01

  Oh, he's a cannibal.

• 12:08Speaker 02

  Oh, I took down a zombie.

• 12:11Dax Shepard?

  How much longer did you have that job?

• 12:13Speaker 02

  Probably for another five or six months. The month before that happened, I also had to go into the hospital due to a slight fracture in my elbow. There was a guy that was trying to harass some of the waiters and waitresses and stuff like that. And I tried to escort him out. He tried to punch me, so I put him in a rear naked choke and right then I kind of fell forward. And his weight, my weight landed on the tip of my elbow. You'd think I would have learned.

• 12:39Speaker 01

  Well, again, I don't know what you're supposed to do and you walk upon that.

• 12:42Dax Shepard?

  No, you gotta. It's time to get down. Of course, I'm having a lot of envy listening to this.

• 12:46Speaker 01

  I know you are.

• 12:47Dax Shepard?

  As a job I would have loved to have.

• 12:48Speaker 01

  I know you are.

• 12:49Speaker 02

  I loved it.

• 12:49Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah. Aaron ran a bar for 10 years and he didn't have security. He was the security and the owner and the bartender. Yeah, and he got to see a lot of action. I was always quite jealous. Well, Justin, I'm glad that there are people wired like you and I that would intervene in a situation like that. And then, of course, I'm heartbroken by the girl who wants to stay with the guy.

• 13:05Speaker 01

  It's so upsetting. But also, you know, there's a lot of stats around that. Like, she would have been killed probably if she did not say that or do that. Like, it's a really horrible situation. I don't have any answers, but it's, yeah.

• 13:20Speaker 02

  Yeah. Can I do a shout out?

• 13:21Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 13:22Dax Shepard?

  Of course.

• 13:22Speaker 02

  My significant other, Sarah, she was supposed to be here to watch her son while I was doing this, but I got the times wrong. I forgot it was Pacific time.

• 13:30Dax Shepard?

  Oh, sure.

• 13:30Speaker 02

  Central time. She's the one that told me to submit it. She's the one that got me to start listening years ago. And I think Monica would really like her because you guys have a very similar personality, but she's also a physical therapist.

• 13:41Speaker 01

  Oh, I love her. I just add her to my PT collection.

• 13:45Dax Shepard?

  PT club.

• 13:47Speaker 02

  The two other people would be our friends, Amber and Ethan. They're the ones that got us to start listening to your podcast.

• 13:52Dax Shepard?

  Oh, thank you, Amber and Ethan. Yeah.

• 13:55Speaker 01

  We appreciate all of them.

• 13:56Dax Shepard?

  Converting people, Amber and Ethan.

• 13:58Speaker 02

  I have a lot of people are gonna start listening because I was like, I'm gonna be on there.

• 14:00Speaker 01

  Oh, fun.

• 14:02Dax Shepard?

  Well, it's great meeting you, Justin.

• 14:04Speaker 02

  It was good meeting you, too.

• 14:05Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, congrats on your family. I'm happy for you.

• 14:08Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 14:08Dax Shepard?

  All right. Take care.

• 14:09Speaker 01

  Bye. Are you so happy we have such a tough listener?

• 14:13Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, but also so sweet. Could you hear his sweetness? That's what I love. I doubt he's starting a lot of fights, but he's finishing them when they need finishing. Hello, hi. Is this Casey?

• 14:23Speaker 03

  Yes, Casey.

• 14:24Dax Shepard?

  Nice to meet you. Casey, where are you?

• 14:27Speaker 03

  Dax, I know you like to guess, so maybe you want to take a guess from my accent?

• 14:31Dax Shepard?

  Here's what's gonna happen. I already know what I'm down to. It's just down to two.

• 14:34Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 14:35Dax Shepard?

  And I know if I get it wrong, both parties would be very offended, but I'm going New Zealand on this one.

• 14:39Speaker 01

  Me, too.

• 14:40Speaker 03

  I'm in South Africa.

• 14:41Dax Shepard?

  Oh, triple wrong. Who's offended now? I don't know.

• 14:47Speaker 03

  It's pretty close. It gets mistaken now and then anyways.

• 14:50Dax Shepard?

  What city are you in down there?

• 14:51Speaker 03

  Johannesburg.

• 14:52Dax Shepard?

  Okay, what's the vibe in Johannesburg? I've never been.

• 14:55Speaker 03

  Johannesburg's got the friendliest people, I would say. Have you been to Cape Town?

• 14:59Dax Shepard?

  No, I've only been to Tanzania and Kenya and Uganda.

• 15:03Speaker 03

  Cape Town's beautiful as well, but Johannesburg is way for endleers.

• 15:06Dax Shepard?

  Okay, and so you've got a bar story.

• 15:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, so let me set the scene. I was in my early twenties, like nineteen, twenty thereabouts.

• 15:15Dax Shepard?

  What's the drinking age down there?

• 15:17Speaker 03

  Eighteen. By the time we're twenty-one, we're veterans. I'd moved up to Johannesburg, probably like a year before that, from my hometown in George, very small coastal town. So, small city to big city, getting used to the vibe in Johannesburg. By this time, I've got a nice group of friends and we're starting to go out and meet people and whatnot. The story starts off at a bri, it's basically a barbecue.

• 15:40Dax Shepard?

  I love starting something off with a barbecue, bro. That's great.

• 15:44Speaker 03

  I went there with my cousin and I ended up meeting this couple there. Thought nothing of it, and a couple of weeks later, or a couple of months later, I don't exactly the time, I saw that the girl from this couple ended up being single and I decided to slide into the DM.

• 15:59Dax Shepard?

  Okay, lovely.

• 16:00Speaker 03

  After some time, we ended up dating, so that's kind of like the precursor to the story. So after a few months of dating, we decided to go out one night. We went to Hooters, so we also have Hooters here.

• 16:11Dax Shepard?

  I'm very happy to hear that you have Hooters. Hooters is very international. Best fried chicken sandwich, I maintain that.

• 16:18Speaker 03

  I enjoy their wings. Anyway, so, leading up to this, the ex of hers was messaging me now and then on social media and not being very nice, let's say threatening me, but I thought nothing of it, blocked him, carried on with my life. We ended up at this bar and as I walk in, I turn a corner and I walk straight into this guy. Like physically bump into him and I kind of taken aback and I moved to the side and carry on walking to my table and we sit down, you know, think nothing of it. I forgot to mention, this dude is super big compared to me.

• 16:51Dax Shepard?

  When you bumped into each other, were there any words?

• 16:53Speaker 03

  Bump in, no words, part ways, so thought nothing of it, right? So anyway, sit down at our table and we're having a good night, having a couple of beers, ordering food. And I see this guy starts moving closer to us and sits at a table adjacent from us.

• 17:08Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy.

• 17:09Speaker 03

  And he's like staring me down the entire time.

• 17:13Speaker 01

  Is your girlfriend with you?

• 17:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, my girlfriend's with me. I've got a lifelong friend with me as well. And then another guy, friend of mine, that's a pilot that was visiting. He flies for Doctors Without Borders in Afghanistan, but he's a British guy. So it's the four of us sitting at the table, minding our own business. And every time I glance over to him, he's mouthing off, making as if he's swearing at me. I can't tell what he's saying, but you know, you can see it's something not good.

• 17:47Dax Shepard?

  We get support from Scottsdale, Arizona. Monica, with summer ending or heading into fall, I've been researching a nice, quick getaway location and I keep coming back to Scottsdale, Arizona.

• 17:58Speaker 01

  Ooh, Scottsdale's good. What's drawing you to it?

• 18:01Dax Shepard?

  Well, first of all, I have this wonderful memory of going there as a kid when I'd go see my stepdad when he was working out there. The weather is perfect in fall, warm, sunny, no humidity. And you can really do whatever you want with your time there. I want to do a sunrise hike through the Sonoran Desert, be surrounded by Sowaro, and then at the same afternoon, just completely melt into a spa treatment at one of their luxury resorts.

• 18:26Speaker 01

  Oh, that sounds amazing. I want to do that. Also, I was there visiting my brother once and I loved Old Town Scottsdale. It's so walkable. They have galleries and cute little restaurants and shops. The food scene alone is worth the trip.

• 18:40Dax Shepard?

  What I keep reading is that it's luxurious, but not stuffy. There's no pressure to do it a certain way. You can explore public art, check out the architecture, go off-roading in the desert, or just sit and watch a sunset.

• 18:51Speaker 01

  It really is the perfect fall reset.

• 18:53Dax Shepard?

  Learn more about all Scottsdale has to offer at unwindinscottsdale.com. We get support by Peloton. You know that feeling when you're spiraling over a problem and you just can't figure it out? When that happens to me, I need a change of pace and I've found that running is the best way. It takes my brain out of the driver's seat and I come back with a fresh perspective. Running can be freeing and cathartic and Peloton helps you feel all of that. And now that feeling fits wherever you need. Eat it with the new Peloton Tread Flex. It's movable and foldable, designed to fit your life. So next time you feel stuck, you can go for a run literally anywhere, whether that's in your office, living room, or even the attic.

• 19:36Dax Shepard?

  Plus, they have classes with expert instructors and programs to meet you at any level and keep you moving. Let yourself run. Explore the new Peloton Tread Flex at onepeloton.com.

• 19:49Speaker 04

  If you like YouTube, you'll love YouTube Premium. It's destroying athlete, creator, and YouTube Maxer. YouTube Premium enhances how I use YouTube with awesome features like offline downloads, so I can download my favorite training videos before I hit the gym. So no Wi-Fi doesn't turn leg day into loading day. Plus, I get ad-free videos, background play, and so much more. YouTube Premium is like YouTube got some extra gains. Try YouTube Premium for two months free at youtube.com/premium.

• 20:19Speaker 05

  Hey, what's up, guys? It's Haley Bailey. Okay, I need to tell you about something. I just got YouTube Premium. It's got tons of awesome features like offline downloads, so I can download my favorite videos before I travel and watch them whenever I don't have Wi-Fi. Because we all know airplane Wi-Fi is the worst. I get ad-free, I get background play, and there's like a ton more in there. You should try it. If you like YouTube, you'll love YouTube Premium. So try YouTube Premium for two months free at youtube.com/premium. Trial eligibility varies, terms apply, cancel anytime. That's a mouthful.

• 20:56Speaker 03

  So we noticed this as a group and we decide maybe we need to get out of here. It's starting to get a little sketchy. So as we stand up to leave, him and his friends stand up to leave as well. We walk outside and he starts to try and confront me. Now, I'm more of a lover than a fighter, but I stand my ground. My girlfriend at the time comes in between us and kind of like pushes him back and tries to calm him down a bit. And he's getting more and more aggressive. The bouncers decided to step in at this point. The bouncers at Hooters in Johannesburg are massive, so they kind of diffuse the situation. The bouncer then put his arm around me and started... Started to walk me to my car and the other bouncer was arguing with the guy behind me and just trying to handle the situation.

• 21:40Speaker 03

  Every time I glanced back, another one of this dude's friends arrive. So like it's turning from two people into like four and then six. And then at some point, there was like eight of them.

• 21:50Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 21:50Speaker 03

  Now, the bouncer behind me is starting to get obviously a little overwhelmed. And the one that's walking me to my car is like, okay, you need to leave now. Get in the car and go. Get in the car. The one female friend of mine, she got in the driver's seat and I was like, I don't think you should drive. Let me drive rather. Just in case we need to like get away or something like that. I feel like I'm a more evasive driver, you know? This parking lot that Hooters is in, it's like parking lots with parkades on either side, but there's one entry and exit. As we reverse out and we start going down this exit path, him and his entire group of friends blocked the road.

• 22:27Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 22:31Speaker 03

  So now like, okay, now what? So he's standing in front of the car and he's swearing at me and trying to intimidate me. The friend of mine in the back, the one that was visiting from Afghanistan had his window rolled down. And one of this dude's friends punched him through the window and ended up chipping his tooth.

• 22:48Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 22:49Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy.

• 22:49Speaker 03

  His famous quote from that is, he spends his career in a war zone, but comes back for one night in South Africa and gets punched.

• 22:57Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 22:59Speaker 03

  This guy starts like pushing on the bonnet of the car, trying to stop the car. At this point, I've had enough, so I started to edge forwards. And as I move forwards, he jumped onto the bonnet of the car and like smashed a massive hole in the windshield.

• 23:12Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 23:13Speaker 03

  Hammerfisted it.

• 23:15Dax Shepard?

  He's lost it.

• 23:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, I use pretty cray cray. So at this point, I just floored it and he kind of rolled off the car and we got home after that. That's not where the story ends though.

• 23:26Dax Shepard?

  We're police.

• 23:27Speaker 03

  Called? That's what I'm getting to. So we got home and the friend whose car it was went to go lay charges at the police station. The next day, this guy contacted us and they were trying to like negotiate so that she would drop the charges and he would pay for the damages. But it turns out he was contacting us because he tried to charge me as well. So he also went to the police station and he tried to charge me with attempted murder.

• 23:53Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 23:55Dax Shepard?

  Oh my lord.

• 23:56Speaker 03

  When he was charged with malicious damage to property. So we ended up getting contacted by a detective and now I'm super nervous, like my first run in with the law. I'm like, what's going on? Am I going to get arrested for this? I go to the police station, make my statement. The detective's taken both of our statements and he says even a blind man can see this dude's not telling the truth, you know, so I shouldn't worry about it. So I was like, okay. And he said he'll let me know if I need to come in for anything again. And that was the end of that. Then about a week later, he phones me, he's like, I need you to come to the police station today. I'm like, oof, okay. So I get my friend to go with me in case they get arrested me or something, that they take my car home. But yeah, it turns out that wasn't the case. He just wanted to tell me that they'd

• 24:41Speaker 03

  actually arrested the other guy and he wanted to confirm some of my statements. So that's kind of where it ended. I ended up being a witness.

• 24:49Dax Shepard?

  For his trial?

• 24:50Speaker 03

  Yeah. I have no idea if he was convicted or not. I wasn't there for the sentencing or whether like he was guilty or anything like that. So it was just stand as a witness and that was kind of the end of that.

• 25:02Dax Shepard?

  And did he ever reach out to your then girlfriend about it?

• 25:06Speaker 03

  I don't think so. I ended up moving back to my hometown and then back to Johannesburg again. So a few years later, I like I bumped into him at the gym.

• 25:14Dax Shepard?

  Oh, you did?

• 25:15Speaker 03

  He didn't say anything. He didn't do anything. So I think he'd learned his lesson, whether or not he got charged or not. Like he was super young. So I don't know if he would have gotten a criminal record or anything from that. I'm sure the judge would have been lenient if it was like a first time offense.

• 25:31Speaker 01

  People cannot control their temper.

• 25:33Dax Shepard?

  No, young men are wound up a little hot.

• 25:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, especially when the legal drinking age is eighteen.

• 25:39Speaker 01

  Oh, true, yeah.

• 25:39Dax Shepard?

  Alcohol, jealousy, massive size, maybe he was juicing, who knows what's in the mix?

• 25:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, lots going on. Well, I'm glad you made it out of there.

• 25:48Dax Shepard?

  And I hope that didn't taint your feelings about Hooters.

• 25:52Speaker 03

  No, not at all. I still regularly go to Hooters for their all you can eat chicken wing special.

• 25:57Dax Shepard?

  Oh, they've got an all you can eat wing special?

• 26:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:01Dax Shepard?

  Oh, baby.

• 26:02Speaker 03

  Pretty good. And you'd love the exchange rates for it as well.

• 26:05Speaker 01

  Surprised they don't do some sort of like chicken breast special.

• 26:11Dax Shepard?

  You're more perverted than us.

• 26:12Speaker 01

  All you can eat breast.

• 26:13Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God, Mom, you're so perverted. I will say, I hated this about Hooters. They were very ethical about serving people because my friend Scotty and I used to go and watch basketball in the Santa Monica Hooters location, eat wings. They would only sell you two pitchers of beer.

• 26:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, because.

• 26:30Dax Shepard?

  All the pandemonium in the parking lot? But we would always be a little frustrated with what they wanted us to consume. But again, very ethical of them.

• 26:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, it is.

• 26:38Dax Shepard?

  I guess I am applauding them, even though I was frustrated. How about down there? Is it willy-nilly? Will they over-serve you or are they pretty tight?

• 26:44Speaker 03

  The portion sizes are pretty big. I have been to the US before and South African portion sizes don't really compare. Like US portion sizes are insanely huge.

• 26:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:54Dax Shepard?

  I know, we're so gluttonous, it's crazy. I'm guessing you don't have sixty-four ounce drinks at the gas station either?

• 27:00Speaker 03

  No, none of that.

• 27:04Dax Shepard?

  Well, Casey, it's lovely meeting you and we're so flattered you're down in South Africa, listening.

• 27:08Speaker 03

  I think I might be a first for South Africa.

• 27:11Speaker 01

  I think so. Please spread the word.

• 27:14Dax Shepard?

  All right, well, lovely meeting you, Casey.

• 27:16Speaker 03

  You too. Have a good one.

• 27:17Dax Shepard?

  Take care.

• 27:19Speaker 01

  Hello?

• 27:20Speaker 06

  Hello, can you hear me?

• 27:21Dax Shepard?

  Yes, is it Leah or Lee?

• 27:23Speaker 06

  Lee.

• 27:24Dax Shepard?

  You just never know with these spellings.

• 27:27Speaker 01

  That's tough.

• 27:28Speaker 06

  I was excited for you guys to guess. I get Leah a lot. I get Lay a lot.

• 27:31Speaker 01

  Lay is inappropriate, but Leah and Lee, eh, that's tricky.

• 27:38Dax Shepard?

  How do you spell Leah? Leia? Lea- Leah?

• 27:41Speaker 01

  Lea?

• 27:42Dax Shepard?

  Leia. No, Leah. How do you spell Leah?

• 27:45Speaker 06

  L E A H, usually.

• 27:46Dax Shepard?

  Where are you at, Lee?

• 27:47Speaker 06

  I am just a stone's throw away from some of your many references in Northville, Michigan.

• 27:53Dax Shepard?

  Oh, I know. Northville, inside and out. Do you cruise Heinz Park?

• 27:57Speaker 06

  Of course. I'm like a mile away.

• 27:59Dax Shepard?

  Wonderful. Yes, we would go cruising in Heinz Park quite a bit. My very good friend went to Novi High.

• 28:06Speaker 06

  My husband went to Novi High.

• 28:07Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 28:08Dax Shepard?

  And then we would cruise downtown Northville. That's the story, Monica, that I met the girl and I was lying about my age and she tooted when we were hooking up.

• 28:16Speaker 01

  Jesus Christ.

• 28:18Dax Shepard?

  I'm sorry. That's all from Northville. Bringing back all the memories. Lee, did you grow up in Northville?

• 28:26Speaker 06

  I grew up in Northville and I met my husband at Michigan State where this story takes place. And then we moved all around. I was by Wabi Wab in Chicago, down in Dallas, and now back in good old Northville.

• 28:38Speaker 01

  No stints in Atlanta? What do you have against Atlanta?

• 28:41Speaker 06

  You know, I worked for United Airlines. They're very Delta country. So maybe my only rivalry there.

• 28:48Dax Shepard?

  Do you still work for them or no, you don't?

• 28:50Speaker 06

  Now I'm a stay home mom and a personal trainer.

• 28:51Speaker 01

  Oh, nice. Oh, I have gains.

• 28:54Dax Shepard?

  Monica's worked out 1.2 times, 1.1 times.

• 28:57Speaker 01

  And my muscles are huge. I'm sorry to scare you.

• 29:01Dax Shepard?

  How often are you working out? We're so off track, but I'm curious.

• 29:05Speaker 06

  Probably five to six times a week.

• 29:07Dax Shepard?

  There we go.

• 29:07Speaker 06

  Always a rest day, sometimes two.

• 29:09Speaker 01

  How about five or six days rest days?

• 29:12Dax Shepard?

  I like the six day workout.

• 29:14Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 29:14Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, sometimes seven on accident.

• 29:16Speaker 01

  Let's hear our story.

• 29:17Speaker 06

  Okay, so as we reference Michigan State, sort of known as a party school, which is where this story takes place. This is January 2014, which would make me a 18-year-old freshman at Michigan State. We are back for second semester and I was on a sports team at MSU. And I actually want you guys to guess what team you think I was on.

• 29:40Dax Shepard?

  I think you were a soccer player.

• 29:41Speaker 01

  Uh, lacrosse.

• 29:43Speaker 06

  We're gonna go lacrosse because my husband was lacrosse. So I'm gonna keep that part anonymous, but I like lacrosse.

• 29:47Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so neither.

• 29:48Speaker 06

  Neither. Because I'm on the lacrosse team, there are girls who are a lot older that I've become friends with over summer trainings and we kind of have this big age group of friends. All the girls who are 21 obviously are going to the bars on Friday night and that gave a big incentive to the younger girls to find a way to also go to the bars. So there are two ways at the time it felt like you could get a fake ID. First one is the one I opted for, which was to take some sort of very sketchy passport-like photo to send to who knows what country via whatever boy on the dorm floor was willing to take on this endeavor. Get all of those fake IDs back in like a necklace box from, again, who knows what country and who knows when? And he would kind of go and pass them out.

• 30:32Speaker 06

  Terrible, very clearly fake from Connecticut. Not great, but worked at the bars you knew it would work at. The more ideal way to get the ID was a cousin that turned 21, pretends they lose theirs. You look enough like them. You use a real Michigan driver's license, you know, more of a surefire.

• 30:48Speaker 01

  The real ID was always preferred. I didn't get to have that, obviously, because nobody looked like me. One time I used Callie's ID, we've talked about that. Anyway, go on.

• 30:58Speaker 06

  So I've got my fake ID. I'm 18, feeling good, getting into the bars. I know I can get into with my older teammates, but some of the other girls in my grade were still looking for an ID. Well, it turns out, feels like fate, one of the older girls on the team is at a party and sticks her hand down because she drops her phone in the couch cushion and pulls out a driver's license.

• 31:19Dax Shepard?

  Oh, bingo.

• 31:19Speaker 06

  For someone, we don't know, but immediately she looks at it, blonde, blue eye, could have been any one of our teammates. So she holds on to this morsel and she decides that she is going to knight one of my best friends, another freshman, Janine, with this fake ID. Now, Janine is about 5'1", 5'2", cute as a button, and this ID does say 5'10".

• 31:41Dax Shepard?

  Oh, oh, boy.

• 31:43Speaker 06

  We're gonna roll with it.

• 32:00Speaker 06

  So Friday night comes around, January, it's freezing cold. Monica, as you know, the best part of going out is the getting ready. We're getting ready in the dorms, skater skirts, peplum tops, big chunky Charlie's necklace. We're ready to go. We're hyping each other up. Janine parts her hair, the way that Haley, the fake ID name, has her hair parted. She wears it straight, which she never does. We're trying to make Janine Haley. She is living the role. We get to the bar and this is the bar on campus. Okay, Rick's American Cafe for all my fellow Spartans.

• 32:31Dax Shepard?

  I gotta ask my sister about this. My sister is a MSU graduate.

• 32:35Speaker 06

  She will know. It is a basement bar, is all good, college bars are. And the way it's set up is you kind of can see the front door and that's it. Because you immediately go down the steps. So the line goes out and around the corner and you have to wait outside until you get to the bouncer and go in. So we've got our group of all my teammates and we are strategizing here. We've got someone who's 21 with a real ID first, then me, then someone else who's 21. You know, we're intermingling the fakes. We think this is gonna help us.

• 33:03Dax Shepard?

  I co-sign on this.

• 33:04Speaker 06

  Thank you, appreciate that. We're there and we are strategizing and while we're in line, we're all studying. Everyone who's underage is studying their info, right? Address, what's your date of birth? What's your full name? What's your middle name? What's your hometown? All the things. And Janine is locked in as Haley. She's ready to go. And we decide, because this is her first time using a fake, she's gonna go very last.

• 33:24Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 33:25Speaker 06

  Because the rumor is kind of like, if you're cool with the bouncer, even if he turns you away, usually they'll give you your ID back and just say, I know this is fake, scurry off. She's like, I'll just go back to the dorms if I don't get in. So we get up to the bouncer, somebody goes, they get in. I go, I get in. Next person goes in and then we look at Janine and we're all kind of trying to like creep down the steps so that we can hear what's happening. Sweetie, peaty, little farm town. She's been peer pressured into using a fake ID, really, is what's happening here. She hands over the ID and immediately the bouncer looks at it, smirks and goes, how do you know Haley?

• 34:00Speaker 01

  Oh, fuck. Yeah. See, huh, this is the risk you run.

• 34:06Speaker 06

  We're on a campus of 50,000 just undergrads, but Janine is fast on her feet and immediately, instead of trying to be the I am Haley, which is what I would have done. I would have doubled down, panicked, gone with it, immediately doesn't miss a beat, goes, oh, we're really good friends. Like, all my friends just got in. Can you just give me the ID back? And she was just, I think, trying to get the ID back. I don't even know if she wanted to get down the steps, but he kind of like rolls his eyes, gives it to her and lets her in.

• 34:32Speaker 01

  Yes. Good job.

• 34:35Speaker 06

  Reveal her at the end. She's too cute to let her go home. So Janine gets down the steps and we are celebrating like it is Super Bowl Sunday and we have won. We are Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelsey high fiving. This is the greatest thing that's happened to our freshman selves. The bar is split because you go down the steps, you go to the left side, we called the dark side because that was the dance floor, the booty bumping of it all. And then the right side was the light side and that's where you would go to like watch the game, order a drink. It's a big oval, so you can walk kind of all the way around. So we're into the bar. We are there for probably 45 minutes, just enough to get a couple vodka crans in us.

• 35:11Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, that was my drink too.

• 35:13Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah. It's every 18 year old's drink. What else do you order?

• 35:17Speaker 01

  My 18 year old drink was Amaretto Sour.

• 35:19Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 35:20Speaker 01

  That's what we would all get. And then I worked my way up to vodka.

• 35:24Dax Shepard?

  I like that you're also always like, it's a two for you're getting drunk and also kind of buffeting yourself from a UTI.

• 35:30Speaker 01

  Exactly. You're being healthy.

• 35:32Speaker 06

  It's the wellness choice. We're having a good time. We're booty bumping. Now, the manager of this bar, we're gonna call him Hank because I'm pretty sure he still works there and I want to be in good graces as an alumna, but he is exactly what you think of when you imagine a midwestern bar manager, like big, burly, he's wearing the Ricks East Lansing t-shirt. Everybody kind of knows his face in East Lansing. We spot him walking over to Janine. So there's a couple of us that are all hanging out and Janine is near the bar getting a drink on the dark side. Hank walks over, steps right in front of Janine and just puts his hand out, palm up, as if to say, hand it over. Right? Like, I know you're using a fake, hand it over, but he's saying no words. So from the opposite corner of the bar, I am watching this go down.

• 36:16Speaker 06

  And immediately I clock that the person standing next to him is Haley.

• 36:21Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 36:23Speaker 06

  The reason that the bouncer immediately recognized Haley is because they're coworkers and she's a bartender.

• 36:30Dax Shepard?

  Oh my gosh, what are the odds?

• 36:34Speaker 01

  That is a bad, bad sim.

• 36:37Speaker 06

  Bad luck is what that is. As she's fumbling through her cross body to get this ID out, she goes to give it to Hank and Haley snaps it out of her hand and just turns and walks away. Kind of drew the conclusion that at some point in the bouncer shift, he ran down the steps and said to Haley, I just let your friend in with your ID. And Haley said something like, what do you mean, my friend? I lost my ID at a party.

• 37:00Dax Shepard?

  You're right. And that's why he let her in. He's like, oh, it's one of Haley's buddies. She works here. We're gonna let it slide. I'm caught up now. That makes sense.

• 37:08Speaker 06

  So now we've pissed off Hank, we've pissed off Haley, and we've pissed off the bouncer. There's a lot of lies happening here, right? From far away, I just see Haley get her ID and Janine turns immediately and walks the other way. So I'm like, we're good. I've got three vodka crans and I'm booty bumping. Come on back and join the party. I think we're fine. And she comes to join the group and is like, we gotta go. They're mad. This is bad news. Now, truly like out of a movie, cut to the next thing we see is we're trying to get up the steps. And at the top of the steps with the bouncer are two East Lansing police officers.

• 37:46Speaker 01

  Fuck that. God. MIP.

• 37:51Speaker 06

  They were known to send the police officers in and kind of have a good relationship and say, oh, we don't know who's using fake IDs, but if you want to come down, you're allowed to go and ask people to see their IDs. So we're at the top and we just hear the bouncer say to the police officers, yeah, blonde in the big pink necklace.

• 38:11Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 38:11Speaker 06

  Describing.

• 38:12Speaker 01

  Oh my gosh. She just pull off the necklace and throw it?

• 38:16Speaker 06

  Literally. So we are walking the steps. Our walk turns into a full-blown sprint.

• 38:22Speaker 06

  Turn the opposite way from the police officers. And at this point, I don't know if it's the adrenaline. I don't know what's happening, but there are no words being said between the group of the three of us that are sprinting away from this bar. We are just like all somehow telekinesis, going the same direction and getting out of there. End up running away from the police officers. They do not chase us. In my mind, I was like, we're now going to be on a foot chase. That did not happen. We ran around the corner, went into the drunk food spot, ditched the pink necklace in the bathroom and all was well.

• 38:53Speaker 01

  Scary.

• 38:54Dax Shepard?

  That's exciting. All's well that ends well.

• 38:57Speaker 06

  The full circle, full circle of it is she obviously got her fake taken. I was like the young one. I didn't turn 21 until well into senior year.

• 39:05Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 39:06Speaker 06

  And I got very cocky with my fake ID because it had worked for so long. So for her 21st birthday, I tried to use my fake ID in Vegas. Not a good idea. And that's when I got mine snatched.

• 39:18Speaker 01

  Happened to the best of us.

• 39:19Dax Shepard?

  Two things, I used Ken Kennedy's at times when I needed to, but mostly we lived in downtown Detroit and they did not give a flying fuck what age you were in downtown Detroit in 1993. They didn't care at all. You go into the liquor store and buy whatever you want and they're like, great. You got cash, you're good.

• 39:34Speaker 01

  Mine got taken my senior year, right before I turned 21. It ended up being okay. I got three years out of it.

• 39:44Dax Shepard?

  What was yours? How'd you, how'd you get yours?

• 39:46Speaker 01

  The bad kind, obviously.

• 39:47Dax Shepard?

  You bought it off a freshman in the dorm?

• 39:49Speaker 01

  I had a friend who was making them.

• 39:52Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 39:53Speaker 01

  I mean, it was literally glued to the back of a Blockbuster card. You couldn't take it out of the wallet.

• 40:00Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 40:00Speaker 01

  You know, you had the wallet with the clear thing and you would just like give them that. You know, if they said, take it out, then you're like, actually, I gotta go.

• 40:08Dax Shepard?

  Actually, I have diarrhea. I gotta go home right now.

• 40:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:10Dax Shepard?

  I just remembered I have diarrhea.

• 40:12Speaker 01

  So he made me and I cried.

• 40:14Dax Shepard?

  This is a fugazi. You cried?

• 40:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:19Speaker 01

  I was so embarrassed.

• 40:20Speaker 06

  Janine's coming out somewhere over here. Hold on, I'm giving my earpods.

• 40:25Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God.

• 40:27Speaker 01

  Look at this. Hi.

• 40:29Dax Shepard?

  You're still friends.

• 40:31Speaker 01

  Roommates to best friends.

• 40:32Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 40:34Speaker 01

  That is so cute.

• 40:35Dax Shepard?

  Who's the third member?

• 40:35Speaker 06

  I'm, was not a part of the story. I met them after, but I'm just a huge armchair. And so Lee and I text all the time when episodes come out where I was just like bonding over it. And she was like, okay.

• 40:45Speaker 01

  You have to come over, serve some moral support for the story and sneak in and say hi if you can. So just wanted to say I'm a huge fan.

• 40:50Dax Shepard?

  Oh, I love it. All right. Well, nice meeting all of you.

• 40:54Speaker 01

  Yes. Yeah, nice meeting you too. Thank you for inviting us. Yeah, thanks. So fun. Bye.

• 41:02Dax Shepard?

  Katie, where are you camping?

• 41:04Speaker 07

  I'm currently camping in my living room.

• 41:07Dax Shepard?

  Oh, I love it.

• 41:09Speaker 01

  Are those rosettes?

• 41:10Speaker 07

  Oh, no, this is part of a fort kit that my children own.

• 41:14Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 41:14Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, we had the same one and I come across big tubs of the poles and the joining pieces all the time and think, are we really still ever going to play with this? Can we please get rid of it? And we don't.

• 41:26Speaker 07

  Well, now they're also weapons.

• 41:28Dax Shepard?

  Oh, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Yeah, I mean, look at it. It's just dying to be swung at a sibling. Where are you at in the world?

• 41:35Speaker 07

  Outside of Washington DC and Northern Virginia.

• 41:38Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay. Wonderful. What kind of weather do you have over there right now?

• 41:42Speaker 07

  It's a little chilly, but the sun is starting to come back out, so I'm slowly getting out of my seasonal depression.

• 41:48Speaker 01

  Oh, good. I'm happy for you.

• 41:50Dax Shepard?

  Driving with the windows down yet?

• 41:52Speaker 07

  Yes, sunroof wide open.

• 41:54Dax Shepard?

  Oh, it's a big, big moment.

• 41:55Speaker 01

  You know, in my planner, I have to write down what I'm grateful for every day.

• 41:59Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 41:59Speaker 01

  And yesterday I wrote sunshine.

• 42:01Dax Shepard?

  It's a good one.

• 42:01Speaker 01

  Cause it's a real good one.

• 42:03Dax Shepard?

  So you have a bar story?

• 42:04Speaker 07

  I do. So this story takes place in a small college town in Virginia. I am a college sophomore in this story and I am not yet 21. So I am going to the bars with a fake ID that is pretty bad.

• 42:22Dax Shepard?

  And where did you get it?

• 42:23Speaker 01

  Tell us the variety of.

• 42:24Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, we're learning a lot about fake IDs in this episode. I'm learning a lot about fake IDs on this episode. What was your variety?

• 42:31Speaker 07

  We found some guy that did fake. It wasn't like a real ID. It was created for me.

• 42:37Dax Shepard?

  And so I basically traded a Kate Spade bag that my aunt gave me for this ID.

• 42:43Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 42:43Dax Shepard?

  That's pretty expensive. Better be a good fake. It was bad. Did you have to take a picture or did you use an existing one? How was it constructed? They took a picture and then it was horribly laminated and then they didn't even like stand down or round it. So it was pointy. Oh, sharp, dangerous to retrieve out of the wallet. Yeah. And how successful was it as a fake ID? Did it work? If they ever used the scanner, which they started using as I was getting closer to 21, I would not make it in. But for the most part, it did its job. Okay, great, great.

• 43:15Speaker 01

  We love that.

• 43:16Dax Shepard?

  It's a Thursday night. It's the local bar that everyone goes to. It's only college students. And it's one of those special college bars that has this big open space where you can dance and it's like a club. But then as soon as you enter these other doors, it's just like a restaurant and bar. So it's picture night. It's two for one. And I have two pictures and I'm going to meet my friends. I'm already wasted. We're already making our way towards this club space. So it's like a different feel now. I am hammered. And as I'm walking, I'm in my heels and my black lacy going out top. I'm strutting my stuff. I slip on a puddle of something.

• 43:59Speaker 01

  Uh oh.

• 44:00Dax Shepard?

  And I fall face forward and I catch myself with my mouth.

• 44:05Speaker 01

  Ah.

• 44:06Dax Shepard?

  Okay, okay. You break your fall with your teeth. I did. I broke my fall with my teeth.

• 44:10Speaker 01

  Cause you couldn't let those pictures go.

• 44:12Dax Shepard?

  I didn't. I needed to. It was a priority. I had to get them to my friends. So I fell and I knocked all four of my friends.

• 44:20Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 44:21Dax Shepard?

  Oh my goodness. This is really a serious tumble. It was in a like crescent moon shape across all four.

• 44:29Speaker 01

  Fuck.

• 44:29Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wait, they broke off? The roots didn't come out? No, the roots didn't come out, but they all broke off.

• 44:36Speaker 01

  Ooh. Out.

• 44:38Dax Shepard?

  Which was actually pretty fortunate for me later.

• 44:40Speaker 01

  That they didn't all actually come out.

• 44:43Dax Shepard?

  Wait, can I ask you quickly, like, what's the pain of your teeth cracking off?

• 44:47Speaker 01

  There's zero pain. Oh.

• 44:49Dax Shepard?

  That's nice.

• 44:50Speaker 01

  I feel nothing. But you're drunk, which helps. Could also be a little shock. Yeah.

• 44:54Dax Shepard?

  And you run your tongue along your teeth and you go, oh, there's a moon shape.

• 44:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't run my tongue along my teeth. I just run my tongue through my teeth. Oh.

• 45:05Dax Shepard?

  Really quick, do you look on the ground for the pieces of teeth?

• 45:08Speaker 01

  So this is where it actually gets bad. My guy friends that lived around the corner from me, they saw this whole thing. And they watched me spit my teeth into my hands.

• 45:19Dax Shepard?

  Oh, boy.

• 45:20Speaker 01

  Look at them like really pissed off and then throw them across the floor of the bar.

• 45:26Dax Shepard?

  Gangster move. I like it.

• 45:30Speaker 01

  So they did frantically look for my teeth, but we never saw them again. Oh. Which was also a blessing because the dentist would have tried to glue them. It wouldn't have looked good. Yeah.

• 45:42Dax Shepard?

  A big seam across your smile.

• 45:44Speaker 01

  I'm wasted at this point and my guy friends being guys were like, we want to stay at the bar. So they usher me into a cab with people I don't know. So strangers are now bringing me home. They decided that finding my friends was not the best option. Oh, my God.

• 46:02Dax Shepard?

  Well, really quick, I mean, maybe they saw what disregard you had for your teeth and they're like, oh, she didn't care about shit.

• 46:08Speaker 01

  Doesn't, that doesn't mean. They can't care. They should care. It was just a normal night for me. So I get inside and I'm by myself and I'm not really sure what to do. I'm not really panicking. It could still be that I was in shock, but everything seems fine. I do call my mom and it's probably eleven or twelve at night on a Thursday night. She's sleeping. She's two hours away and I leave her a message and all I say is they're gone. Oh, my God.

• 46:40Speaker 01

  And then my roommate comes in and so I hang up the phone and I don't say anything else. My roommate quickly calls my boyfriend who is long distance and she quickly.

• 46:51Speaker 03

  Quickly just tells him what's going on before we go to the ER. And she says Katie fell at the bar. Which he heard as Katie fell off the bar.

• 47:00Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 47:01Speaker 03

  So he's thinking I was dancing on the bar.

• 47:04Speaker 01

  Oh, and he's pissed now. He's pissed. Oh, I told her never to do that slut.

• 47:09Dax Shepard?

  Anymore.

• 47:12Speaker 03

  It made me want to actually have dance on the bar. Like, I wish I had done it. So we do go to the ER. And the doctor is unfazed by us. We're wasted. He checks me for head trauma. I'm fine. He says, you just need to go to dentist in the morning. Everything's fine. He does prescribe me Percocet.

• 47:30Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 47:31Speaker 03

  It was also fun to stay at the pharmacy with my list. So it was Percocet.

• 47:37Speaker 03

  So we proceed to go home. Everything's fine. I go to sleep. And I wake up at seven in the morning from a phone call from my mom. And she is just like, what is happening? What's gone? So I tell her everything. And she says, okay, I'll be there in two hours. So on her way, she does make a dentist appointment for me. And I went back to sleep. I made no effort to clean myself up. I have last night's makeup on. I have maybe like those Juicy Couture sweatpants on with Juicy across my butt.

• 48:11Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 48:11Speaker 03

  A crop top. I look like a mess. I smell like a bar. My mom is clearly ashamed of my choices.

• 48:17Dax Shepard?

  The caps off the Percocet bottle, sitting on the nightstand.

• 48:21Speaker 03

  She did make me give her the Percocet.

• 48:23Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 48:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, smart.

• 48:24Speaker 03

  She takes me to the dentist. And the minute that I walk in, I realize that my Jesus-loving mother has taken me to the most Christian dentist there could ever be. And I know that she's not acting that disappointed, but that this is her form of retribution for me. I proceed to spend the next two hours in the dentist chair smelling like bar and staring at their scenes from the Bible, listening to all the Jesus losers there is in the world.

• 48:56Dax Shepard?

  Oh, so they had adorned the ceiling with Jesus iconography?

• 49:00Speaker 03

  It was.

• 49:01Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 49:01Dax Shepard?

  So did this dentist, did he send you out with a smile? I mean, he's got to make fake crowns or veneers?

• 49:08Speaker 03

  It was actually really impressive. So I needed a root canal because I did kill one of my roots.

• 49:13Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 49:14Speaker 03

  So I had to do that. And then they had to brine down all four of the teeth.

• 49:18Speaker 07

  So that they could put veneers on.

• 49:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's kind of fun. See, it's an excuse to get veneers.

• 49:25Dax Shepard?

  Have you had to have them replaced?

• 49:27Speaker 07

  I already had to have them replaced once. So that first time was on my parents dime and then this last time was not.

• 49:33Dax Shepard?

  They're pricey, right?

• 49:34Speaker 07

  They are pricey.

• 49:35Dax Shepard?

  You want nice ones?

• 49:36Speaker 01

  Well, you have nice ones. Your teeth look great.

• 49:38Speaker 07

  Thank you. My husband said that I need to make sure I brush them before I talk to you guys.

• 49:42Dax Shepard?

  Oh, that was nice of him. What I'm mad about in these post-apocalyptic shows is they don't show people whose veneers have fallen out. Like, there should be a good percentage of the people in post-apocalyptic America who have the shark teeth.

• 49:56Speaker 07

  I really need to store up on like the dental glue, just in case.

• 50:00Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you're gonna want to be able to put them back in there. Other people will be grabbing water and stuff and you'll be grabbing fix a dent or whatever it's called. Oh, well, Katie, it's lovely meeting you.

• 50:09Speaker 07

  Lovely meeting you guys, too. Thank you so much for all you do.

• 50:12Dax Shepard?

  Oh, our pleasure.

• 50:13Speaker 01

  Thank you for listening.

• 50:14Dax Shepard?

  All right, take care.

• 50:15Speaker 07

  You, too. Goodbye.

• 50:16Dax Shepard?

  Bye. All right, love you. Have fun at the bar tonight, anyone who's going out. Try to keep your teeth.

• 50:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, be safe out there.

• 50:24Dax Shepard?

  Don't get any fights. Use a high-quality fake ID if you must.

• 50:28Speaker 01

  And condom.

• 50:29Dax Shepard?

  All right, love you.

• 50:32Speaker 07

  Do you want to sing a tune or something? We have a theme song.

• 50:35Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay, great.

• 50:37Speaker 07

  We don't have a big song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, Rhymedish. On the fly, Rhymedish. Enjoy.