Pod Insights Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast Becoming a Man w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley About this episode Are You Garbage is back with Kevin Ryan and H. Foley for a family episode to answer your garbage questions from Patreon. It's a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show!
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Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test.
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Transcript 11,837 words · 5 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 H. Foley? Hang on there, Kippy, before we get the show started. I want to talk to Atlanta and Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The boys are coming for the AYG live show as a part of that back on the block tour. So round up the squad, grab some dickies, and come out and hang.
0:15 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's a great way to introduce people to the show. It's stand-up, plus we play AYG with the crowd. You know it, you've seen it. Grab your tickets, areyougarbage.com. We'll see you there, love yous.
0:24 Speaker 02 Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
0:43 H. Foley? Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage?
0:49 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
0:49 H. Foley? It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out that you're to be classy.
0:53 Speaker 01 Yeah.
0:54 H. Foley? Or they're just a big old piece of trash.
0:56 Speaker 01 Garbage.
0:56 H. Foley? I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Toody's in the new addition. She's okay, thank God.
1:03 Speaker 01 Okay.
1:04 H. Foley? Caught her sleeping with her eyes open.
1:05 Speaker 01 Woo!
1:06 H. Foley? Woo!
1:07 Speaker 01 That'll get ya.
1:08 H. Foley? Big scare.
1:09 Speaker 01 Uh-huh.
1:09 H. Foley? I was also thinking about how we're gonna chop the house up. Was that 50/50?
1:14 Speaker 01 Between me and you, I don't know if she has her affairs in order. That's some, you're gonna have to get documents on that.
1:19 H. Foley? She does. I found it downstairs in the, uh, in her roll desk.
1:21 Speaker 01 Well, then you would understand who gets the house.
1:23 H. Foley? I just saw an envelope that said, "To the boys."
1:26 Speaker 01 Okay.
1:27 H. Foley? "I never liked you."
1:28 Speaker 01 It's a bunch of receipts.
1:30 H. Foley? My co-host is coming at you from across the table. This is what we call a family episode, just the boys, the bozos, and the homies, just the way we like it. Give it up for my best pal in the whole wide world, father of the week, Kevin James Ryan, everybody.
1:45 Speaker 01 Last week. Holiday week.
1:48 H. Foley? Kids running around, kids running around in Europe right now.
1:50 Speaker 01 Shout out to ya. Uh, thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube, also full video available over there on Spotify. The boys are climbing up the charts to the medium part of the charts.
2:01 H. Foley? Top 15 comedy, I don't know what to tell ya. Give me a call.
2:03 Speaker 01 That's, give me a call if you want to discuss it. Uh, then obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com/areyougarbage. Go over there, you get all that frickin' bonus content, gang. And listen, if you are in a 100-mile radius, stop talking the tri, the tri-state area.
2:19 H. Foley? For you long-haul truckers out there.
2:21 Speaker 01 Get some tickets to the boys in Philadelphia at the Met Theater. We're doing it big come December, which is like... Less than two months away.
2:30 H. Foley? Big theater, biggest show you've ever done, hometown. Grab some tickets and come see the boys, we gotta sell this out.
2:36 Speaker 01 Started out at the Raven Lounge, that held about thirty-two people.
2:40 H. Foley? Mm-hmm.
2:41 Speaker 01 Twenty-eight if Foley was in there.
2:43 H. Foley? Out about thirty-two people, about sixteen Percocets.
2:46 Speaker 01 Couple of vodka Red Bulls.
2:47 H. Foley? Ooh, vodka Red Bull and a Percocet, goddamn.
2:50 Speaker 01 Okay, demonetized already. Thanks for that one, big dog, always contributing to the business.
2:58 Speaker 01 That's coming out of someone's end.
3:03 H. Foley? Ooh, man, talk about hitting. Listen, speaking of hitting, I wanted to-
3:07 Speaker 01 Get over here.
3:07 H. Foley? I wanted to bring something up to you. We've discussed it. It's been discussed to a degree.
3:14 Speaker 01 Okay.
3:15 H. Foley? But, uh-
3:16 Speaker 01 I'm always weary of-
3:17 H. Foley? I know, I know, I know.
3:18 Speaker 01 Well, just 'cause you said it, I don't know. I'm just, you really, you really rope-a-dope it.
3:23 H. Foley? I was down there at Patty's, at my lovely mother's, uh, recently, and, um, you know, she goes out to bed early. I stumble into the kitchen, you know, see what's, just see what's going on as I'm watching, you know, game, Seinfeld, whatever I'm doing. I'm not reading, but... Not much is going on there. It's a couple of them bad Activia yogurts, some weird cheese, you don't know whether it's, you don't know what it is. Some pomegranate juice is now in there, and then shit for the dogs. So there's not a lot to go on. But I roll over to the pantry-
3:55 Speaker 01 Okay.
3:56 H. Foley? And I pull out-
3:57 Speaker 01 I'm listening.
3:58 H. Foley? A box of something that really defines a boy or a girl becoming a man or a woman.
4:08 Speaker 01 Okay.
4:09 H. Foley? You understand what I'm saying? This is your cross-
4:11 Speaker 01 I don't know, I don't know.
4:12 H. Foley? This is your cross and a do- you could do your bat mitzvahs, your bar mitzvahs, your communion. This really-
4:17 Speaker 01 Your quinceañeras?
4:18 H. Foley? Huh?
4:18 Speaker 01 Quinceañeras?
4:19 H. Foley? Quinceañeras, sure. This really determines whether you've become an adult, your palate has changed, you, you are mature. When you realize just how good these things are. Luke, the screen.
4:35 Speaker 01 Sure, the, with the original wheat thin. Listen, as you know, I'm a bit of an old soul myself.
4:42 H. Foley? You really are.
4:42 Speaker 01 Uh, these were, I mean, these were just a row, I mean, young, young.
4:48 H. Foley? You got into them young.
4:49 Speaker 01 They were, I'm a fat kid.
4:51 H. Foley? Were you suspended from the police force at the time? Two weeks, no pay!
4:55 Speaker 01 The world needs plenty of bartenders. Uh, yeah, young age. I'll even push you one better, Original Triscuit.
5:05 H. Foley? No, come on, now you're being stupid. You're, Luke, cut that, it's crazy. The Triscuit, listen, we're not getting into a, uh...
5:14 Speaker 01 I'm not saying it's better, I'm saying it's more adult. Or like, yeah, the crap, the, the, the garden herb, I was doing them.
5:23 H. Foley? Who the fuck was doing that?
5:26 Speaker 01 My, my stepdad would get those and put the, uh, I wanna say, like, what, uh, what was that cheese? It was like, it looked radio, it was red and, or, it was maybe some sort of pimento?
5:36 H. Foley? No, you're talking about port wine cheese?
5:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
5:38 H. Foley? Fuck that shit.
5:39 Speaker 01 I think it was like, hell of a good port wine cheese.
5:42 H. Foley? Dude, no.
5:43 Speaker 01 See if you can pull that up.
5:44 H. Foley? You weren't doing that, were you?
5:45 Speaker 01 No.
5:46 H. Foley? That's like doing a shot of Cuddy Stark as a kid. Port wine cheese, it took me a while to eat the cheese.
5:51 Speaker 01 It had like pine nuts on it or something.
5:53 H. Foley? Oh, oh, you're talking about that shit?
5:55 Speaker 01 I don't even know, no, hell of a good port, that stuff, the hell of a good port wine. I remember looking at Ted, it looked like sherbet or something. I said, why the hell is this, they gotta put this in the freezer, it's gonna go bad.
6:07 H. Foley? That shit is nasty.
6:09 Speaker 01 I don't think I've ever heard of it.
6:09 H. Foley? Pull up Hickory Farm cheese bowls. They have fucking, um, nuts around them.
6:15 Speaker 01 It's a picture of you, yeah, they were big too.
6:17 H. Foley? The fuck those things.
6:19 Speaker 01 Those were, they had like sliced almonds or walnuts on it. I remember, B, you got a nut force field on this cheese, I ain't touching it.
6:28 H. Foley? Let me see.
6:29 Speaker 01 Sharp, che, yeah.
6:32 H. Foley? No bueno, where's the fucking provolone, man? But, uh, listen, I know, you know.
6:40 Speaker 01 No, that...
6:41 H. Foley? Wheat thins isn't a new topic, but I just wanna say, cause I really...
6:45 Speaker 01 They got great ta, great taste in a big crunch.
6:47 H. Foley? I was really thinking about it, like, that was really when, you didn't really fuck with those until a certain point, whether it was, you know, young for you, you know, some people hit puberty early, some people hit puberty a little late.
6:58 Speaker 01 Ironically, I hit it late. Think it was all the wheat thins stunting my hormone growth.
7:04 H. Foley? Tits came in, nice.
7:07 H. Foley? That was really when you grew up a little bit.
7:10 Speaker 01 No.
7:10 H. Foley? When you started appreciating them and you were like, "The Wheat Thin."
7:15 Speaker 01 That's the, that was one of the first, that and the Saltine, I'll also, I'll add to that list.
7:19 H. Foley? Yes.
7:20 Speaker 01 That was it, because they're, they're not savory, they're not sweet, you have to appreciate, that, that's the right word, you have to appreciate it.
7:26 H. Foley? Here's the thing, the Wheat Thin is sweet, that's why I can't put the Triscuit on there, I'm sorry.
7:30 Speaker 01 I'm not putting, I'm not saying they're the same, I'm saying the Triscuit is more of a grown up, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm seeing your Triscuit and going, "In the same world, I enjoyed the Triscuits more than the Wheat Thin."
7:42 H. Foley? There were these things.
7:42 Speaker 01 Crazy enough.
7:43 H. Foley? When you said garden salsa, there was a, there was a.
7:47 Speaker 01 Garden salsa, what am I, fucking European?
7:49 H. Foley? Garden, no, that's what you said for the Triscuit.
7:51 Speaker 01 No, gar, uh, garlic, garden herb.
7:53 H. Foley? Oh, garlic.
7:53 Speaker 01 Some sort of herb, that and the rosemit, the, the rosemary crack peppercorn or something like that.
7:58 H. Foley? You're a rose, you are old, god damn, you're doing rosemary?
8:01 Speaker 01 That's all they had, man, that's all they had, some days, be tight.
8:05 H. Foley? There was something that had to be made by Nabisco, they were octagon shaped and they had little things on it, I want to say crispix, but I know it wasn't crispix, but they were the crispix of cracker.
8:16 Speaker 01 Yeah, and they had like, they had like some bigger chunks of salt on them or something.
8:19 H. Foley? Those things were banging, but the Wheat Thin, man.
8:22 Speaker 01 It was Wheat Thin-esque.
8:23 H. Foley? Wheat Thin is really where it all began, where you become a man, when you start being like, "These fucking things are unbelievable."
8:30 Speaker 01 Sure, no, I'm right there with you.
8:32 H. Foley? Yeah.
8:32 Speaker 01 A grown, a grown up snack, where the men become boys.
8:36 H. Foley? Where the men become boys.
8:37 Speaker 01 And the women become who? Kidding, kidding.
8:42 H. Foley? Slice of cheese and a glass of white wine, we know what you're doing, honey. No, just thought of that, I wanted to share it with you, because I really thought about it and I was like, "Man, that really was a time in your life." Because you would, I would knock that thing right out of the way when I was going into the pantry when I was a kid, where are the Oreos, where are the Ginger Snaps? Where's, um, the pretzels, the chips, something like that, and all that time, they were right there.
9:06 Speaker 01 I would even push back, I would say the Ginger Snap is more, not that they're not enjoyed by children, but that is more of an elder statesman, upper echelon, mature snack.
9:17 H. Foley? Especially this time of year.
9:19 Speaker 01 Sure, I remember getting your hands on them in the summer, they were like leftover, god, they'd either be too, they'd get soft, some, they like, got hard, they went through a cycle of the seasons, hard and soft a couple times a year.
9:31 H. Foley? Yeah.
9:31 Speaker 01 I didn't like that.
9:32 H. Foley? It was like eating a coaster. Get out of here with that. But you may do. Summertime, mom and dad are at work, there's no money, there's no food. You ginger sap sandwich.
9:41 Speaker 01 Uh huh.
9:42 H. Foley? Put a little bologna on there, you'll be alright.
9:44 Speaker 01 Get my head on straight. I always wanted to put, I always wanted to take two and do a peanut butter in there. Never had the balls.
9:50 H. Foley? Never got around to it, huh?
9:52 Speaker 01 Uh, maybe one day.
9:54 H. Foley? Sometimes you gotta like-
9:54 Speaker 01 Never had the resources.
9:57 H. Foley? Or the money.
9:58 Speaker 01 Well, I think it was always, I was hungry, so I'm like, I'll just do sandwiches, like, mo- you know. Cause that, I don't know about you, I'd push back, I don't get full on snacks. They don't fill me up. I could eat-
10:09 H. Foley? They ruin my appetite.
10:11 Speaker 01 Here's the thing, is there, there should be, and this is, this is, I mean, we're in hot water debate about snacks here, this is real. I would argue
10:21 Speaker 01 that there is an age, a maximum age limit, and I haven't hit this yet-
10:26 H. Foley? A maximum age limit?
10:27 Speaker 01 To when you should be consuming Doritos.
10:31 H. Foley? What the fuck is this? Hey, take that shit down to fucking Venezuela.
10:36 Speaker 01 That's a childhood snack, to me. I still, I enjoyed them a handful of days ago, I'm not saying, I just think that's more of a, it's like a gusher.
10:46 Speaker 03 I think you're allowed the nacho cheese and cool ranch forever, but those crazy flavors?
10:52 H. Foley? You're not doing 3Ds, yeah.
10:53 Speaker 03 They gotta stop at some age.
10:54 H. Foley? Wait, I can't have a sweet chili lime, whatever those ones? Those Sweet and Spicy's are good.
11:00 Speaker 01 Spicy nachos, sweet chili lime. I, listen, I don't know, it just, they seem, cause I, they got huge when I was a kid, and they got very branded, they were very marketed to children. I would say like potato chips are marketed to everybody, I would argue Doritos are marketed to children.
11:15 H. Foley? Leno used to do the commercials.
11:17 Speaker 01 Yeah, he talks like a, he talks like a, like a clown.
11:20 H. Foley? Now, listen, Luke, put an ad up on Craigslist, I need a new co-host. This guy's bonkos. That's crazy.
11:26 Speaker 01 No, I, I told you-
11:28 H. Foley? When's the last time you had a Dorito?
11:29 Speaker 01 I just fucking said that, like 48 hours ago. I'm not saying I, I, I abide by the rule, I'm saying- There is more, the same way there's a Triscuit versus a fucking Cheez-It. There's, there are more mature chip options than fucking Cool Ranch Doritos.
11:47 H. Foley? I would say this, okay?
11:49 Speaker 01 That's all, I think that's fair.
11:51 H. Foley? There is a certain point-
11:52 Speaker 01 Cool is in the name, that's not for fu- If it was Ranch Doritos, Cool Ranch-
11:57 H. Foley? Ranch Hand Doritos?
11:59 Speaker 01 Now we're talking Yellowstone Doritos.
12:00 H. Foley? Whoa.
12:01 Speaker 01 I'm in. Put a couple of them on a PB and J.
12:04 H. Foley? 310 the Yuma Chips?
12:06 Speaker 01 You gotta, you gotta fucking cowboy hat.
12:08 H. Foley? I was gonna say, cuz I stopped myself from doing this, uh, again when I was, I was around the, the little cousins. There's definitely an age where you cannot eat a candy necklace anymore.
12:22 Speaker 01 I mean-
12:22 H. Foley? And I had a little bit of it, I was like, I shouldn't be eating this.
12:24 Speaker 01 Did you put it on?
12:25 H. Foley? No.
12:26 Speaker 01 Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was talking to an esteemed Yentleman over here.
12:30 H. Foley? I didn't put it on my, I, I rolled it twice and put it on my wrist.
12:33 Speaker 01 Yeah, like a real lady, huh? Hey boys, anybody want some candy?
12:38 H. Foley? You can't be eating those-
12:39 Speaker 01 No.
12:39 H. Foley? At 49.
12:40 Speaker 01 No.
12:41 H. Foley? Yeah.
12:41 Speaker 01 Yeah.
12:42 H. Foley? I'm done now.
12:43 Speaker 01 That's a sweet, uh, yeah, no, you can't be, that's, uh, that's a tough one.
12:48 H. Foley? Is that weird?
12:48 Speaker 03 Who brought those around?
12:50 Speaker 01 A child.
12:50 Speaker 03 Okay, yeah, like, how are those in your orbit?
12:52 Speaker 01 They're even, dude, they were-
12:53 H. Foley? I was at a rave in Jamaica, Queens. What do you mean? The kids had them.
12:57 Speaker 01 Was Vinnie with the skinny there? Uh, I would argue, that got phased out for me, I didn't, those things, they stink.
13:05 H. Foley? No, they don't.
13:06 Speaker 01 Yeah, they do.
13:07 H. Foley? They're like Sweet Tarts, but they're fun. And the big rings are cool too.
13:11 Speaker 01 I mean, you gotta crack them in half, it's just like, what are we doing?
13:13 H. Foley? That I ate. What about a, what about a Ring Pop? Would you have a Ring Pop now?
13:18 Speaker 01 No. No.
13:19 H. Foley? That's pretty good. What wouldn't you eat anymore?
13:21 Speaker 01 A Ring Pop? Candy, most candy jewelry I'd have to, I'd have to turn my nose up to, if I'm being honest with you. Unless it was edible panties.
13:30 H. Foley? Would you have a Fruit by the Foot?
13:31 Speaker 01 Nothing on that!
13:32 H. Foley? Have you ever eaten edible panties?
13:34 Speaker 01 No.
13:34 H. Foley? I feel like I've had a bite of one.
13:35 Speaker 01 One time at lunch. I, a rum-
13:38 H. Foley? Divorced dad sending missile edible panties.
13:41 Speaker 01 I'm sitting in the cafeteria, what the heck are these?
13:46 H. Foley? Teacher comes over. What are you doing going through my bag?
13:48 Speaker 01 Talking about Fruit by the Foot.
13:49 H. Foley? Nothing on that! Means the teacher had a pair in her bag.
13:53 Speaker 01 No, I got it. That was for going over my line.
13:57 H. Foley? I appreciate that.
13:58 Speaker 01 Yeah, a little vendetta.
14:00 H. Foley? Would you have a Fruit by the Foot?
14:01 Speaker 01 Uh... Maybe, but I would have to eat it in a certain way. I'd have to unravel it all the way, discard the trash, and eat it that way.
14:11 H. Foley? Well, that's the way I'd do it. I'd unravel the whole thing and then smoosh it up into a ball and eat it.
14:15 Speaker 01 Yeah, uh, I'm just not around fr- if I'm- I'm around children, if I'm around fruit, but they'd have to be like my- my brother or sister.
14:22 H. Foley? What about bubble tape?
14:24 Speaker 01 If they- no. No, the bubble gum stops it. To me, listen. What am I, you know, who am I? To me, bubble gum stop, like, you know, I'm not saying you can't enjoy it. Ah, let me get a piece of that Bubbleish or something like that.
14:38 H. Foley? I was trying to find that the other day at a bodega. They don't really have it.
14:41 Speaker 01 I don't- I would say-
14:42 H. Foley? It's all sugar-free gum now.
14:43 Speaker 01 I would say bodega, yeah.
14:44 H. Foley? I was eating Big Red like a dickhead.
14:46 Speaker 01 Oh, man. Big Red used to make my buddy shit. It was crazy. He'd give him diarrhea. It was wild. I'd never seen anything like it. And it took- he loved it. It took him months to figure out-
14:55 H. Foley? Talk about a couple of closers.
14:57 Speaker 01 It took, uh, we were like, we were well into- We were well into our twenties, I think, and he's like-
15:02 H. Foley? Why?
15:03 Speaker 01 I don't know, it was just one of the spices in it or something. Ran through-
15:06 H. Foley? Probably rosemary.
15:07 Speaker 01 Dude, we'd be like out at the bar and he'd be like, "I gotta go home," dude. It was crazy.
15:11 H. Foley? What?
15:12 Speaker 01 It was nuts. It was like- It was like, uh, see, if you see if you can find anything on- there's gotta be something. Unless he's the only freak. Maybe it was the rumble.
15:23 H. Foley? There's probably something for when he was a kid. Probably some type of childhood trauma. His dad chewed Big Red and he smacked him around.
15:29 Speaker 01 Got molested by Clifford?
15:31 Speaker 03 It's like specific sweeteners.
15:32 Speaker 01 Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
15:35 H. Foley? What are the sweeteners?
15:36 Speaker 01 Uh-
15:37 H. Foley? I'm not kidding.
15:37 Speaker 01 You got one?
15:39 Speaker 03 Sucarose, aspartame.
15:41 H. Foley? That's not sucarose.
15:43 Speaker 03 No, there's like a nut that was-
15:44 Speaker 01 That's sucrose.
15:46 Speaker 03 Sucarose and-
15:46 H. Foley? Now, wait, what are you making Spanish for?
15:48 Speaker 03 S-U-C-R-A-L-O-S-E.
15:51 H. Foley? Sucrose.
15:52 Speaker 01 Hey, Javier, you just did the same thing. Hola.
15:57 H. Foley? Sucrose?
15:59 Speaker 01 Me gusta edible panties.
16:03 H. Foley? E Clifford mucho grande rojo pero.
16:06 Speaker 01 Uh, but I feel like, listen, I think if you can, you can, you can have that stuff. Uh, this is a hard take by, you know, a guy.
16:14 H. Foley? The Doritos thing. Doritos thing's nuts. But go ahead.
16:18 Speaker 01 Listen, if I'm somewhere, if I'm, and I'm saying this as for mature people, not us. I'm not saying stop eating Doritos. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying if I walked in to like, the guy who's doing my will and he was finishing up lunch with a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.
16:36 H. Foley? The little bag?
16:37 Speaker 01 Anything. Yeah. Give me, I give a, an us, uh, some, that's, that's, that's childlike.
16:44 H. Foley? What about Funyuns? He had a fun, a small bag of Funyuns on the thing.
16:48 Speaker 01 I can go either, but that's not great. You don't want your doctor eating Doritos.
16:52 H. Foley? What?
16:52 Speaker 01 No, you don't. Come on, give me that. Give me that. You don't want the guy in charge of your 401K. You know, eating a hot dog and Doritos.
17:02 H. Foley? What?
17:03 Speaker 01 I'm.
17:03 H. Foley? That's my guy.
17:04 Speaker 01 I love them, but that guy's weak. That guy's gonna, that guy's gonna fold.
17:11 H. Foley? That guy'll flip on you.
17:12 Speaker 01 First line of question, he's gonna fold.
17:14 H. Foley? As soon as the Southern District rolls into town. Yeah. A little bag of Fritos?
17:17 Speaker 01 What has you got on a plane?
17:19 H. Foley? And?
17:19 Speaker 01 Young guy comes out and he's finishing a bag of, a bag of Doritos and he's got a ring pop on.
17:25 H. Foley? Who's the young guy?
17:26 Speaker 01 The pilot.
17:28 H. Foley? Oh.
17:29 Speaker 01 See what I'm saying?
17:30 H. Foley? Is he good looking?
17:31 Speaker 01 No, not really looks like me.
17:32 H. Foley? Is he coming out like, "Hey dude, what's up?"
17:34 Speaker 01 No, he's just like, "Uh, just wrapping up."
17:38 Speaker 01 He's got a candy necklace on. He's candy flipping. Isn't that something? Candy flipping?
17:42 H. Foley? No, I'm out.
17:43 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
17:44 H. Foley? I'm going for the door.
17:45 Speaker 01 Dude, I, I've said this before, the first time, I hadn't flown in a very long time, well over a decade. I was flying to see, uh, my boy Pat in Ireland. We were studying abroad. Bought to take a $421 with the money I sold my books. Take that. Was supposed to give that back to my mom. I did not. I was supposed to go towards student loans. It did not.
18:06 H. Foley? They got robbed on the way home.
18:10 Speaker 01 Guy got on, I was so nervous to fly again. I didn't fly, probably only flown maybe three times in my life as a child.
18:18 H. Foley? Since Normandy.
18:20 Speaker 01 The hair looks good.
18:23 Speaker 01 The doors are open.
18:26 H. Foley? Hey dude, that Band of Brothers, the guy, one guy shits his pants and drops them like a mile and a half out.
18:31 Speaker 01 And I was so nervous, the pilot got on the plane and I saw the pilot in the, what you gonna call it? In the duty free, I saw all pilot in the duty free buying two cartons of Winstons. And then that was the pilot.
18:45 H. Foley? That's good.
18:46 Speaker 01 Yeah, and I went, I want my guy smoking heaters, not eating Doritos. That's what I'm saying.
18:52 H. Foley? Hey, you're Rolos, what the fuck?
18:53 Speaker 01 Yeah, you fucked that, I don't trust you.
18:55 H. Foley? Okay, but talk about Ethos.
18:56 Speaker 01 Shout out to Ethos, baby.
18:58 H. Foley? Dang, you gotta have that life insurance, God forbid something goes south, you don't want to leave the family holding the bag, as we say. Walk outside, get hit by a bus, who knows? You want to make sure your family's covered and do yourself a favor, get Ethos to cover them.
19:12 Speaker 01 Yes, if your friend has ever experienced a loss, you know this stuff can happen pretty quickly and unexpectedly, which you gotta get out in front of sometimes. And you gotta be able to secure your family's financial future. If you're the breadwinner out there, you want to make sure your loss of income is covered, like keeping up with the mortgage, tuition and other bills. I had a new baby recently, obviously as you know, it's made me, thank you, it's made me rethink everything, if you've ever had a kid, you go, what's gonna happen when I'm gone? If I can't work, blah, blah, blah. And if you've ever used Ethos, you know that it's easy peasy, there's no complicated process, it's 100% online, there's no medical exam required, just answer a few questions about your health. You get a quote in as little as 10 minutes.
19:55 Speaker 01 Ethos is an online platform that makes getting life insurance fast and easy to protect your family's future in minutes, not months. That's a great line. You can get up to $3 million in coverage, some policies as low as $2 a day, bill the monthly. Ethos is a trustworthy company that disrupts the traditional life insurance industry. Right now, you can protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get your free quote at ethos.com/garbage, that's Ethos, E-T-H-O-S. protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get your free quote at ethos.com slash AYG. That's E T H O S dot com slash AYG. Application times may vary. Rates may vary.
20:34 H. Foley? Kim, let's talk about Harry's.
20:35 Speaker 01 Shout out to Harry's.
20:36 H. Foley? My favorite razor. I use Harry's. I get down here. I get it all cleaned up and nice. Feels fantastic. You buy those other razors, they're banging you out. For what? For this, that, the other thing? No good. That's a total scam. What you want to do is you want to go over to Harry's. My favorite razor to use.
20:53 Speaker 01 Yes. Uh, Harry's is their own world, uh, has their own world-class blade factory in Germany. There's no outsourcing, no middlemen. And listen, they can pass that savings right on to you. They got a good product at an affordable price. None of this big branding, none of these big things, big time. Harry's. Cut out the middleman, straight to the guys. Uh, the same facility has been perfecting the blade making for over 100 years because they control the entire process from steel to shelf. Love that. They keep the cost low. Why pay $34 for refills when Harry gives you better blades for a fraction of that?
21:27 H. Foley? Talking about the lubricating strip with vitamin E and aloe.
21:30 Speaker 01 I don't have to. You just did. Uh, they got an advanced pivoting system to reach every corner of your face. Redefine blade tech for a closer, smoother shave and weighted metal handle. Heavy, it's the Harry's heaviest handle ever for added control and comfort. We're talking a heavy bike handle. Um, for a limited time, our listeners can get Harry's plus, Harry's plus trial set for only $10 at harrys.com/garbage. This set includes all new Harry's plus razors, one reef, refined five blade cartridge, a two ounce foaming shave gel and a travel cover to protect your blades on the go. Just go to harrys.com/garbage to claim this offer. And after the purchase, we're going to ask you how you heard about them. Please support the show and tell them the boy sent you. Love you.
22:13 Speaker 01 Dude, if my, if my pilot is chewing bubba-licious and not fucking big red.
22:20 Speaker 01 That's a problem.
22:21 H. Foley? Juicy fruit, I'll give ya.
22:23 Speaker 01 That was in 1950s.
22:24 H. Foley? I judge the pilots on the cologne. If the cologne's too nice.
22:27 Speaker 01 You're making out with you? You're necking with these broads?
22:28 H. Foley? No, but you walk by and you get a little sour. I wanna smell brute, Old Spice, Aqua Velva.
22:33 Speaker 01 Stetson.
22:34 H. Foley? Stetson.
22:35 Speaker 01 My stepdad was...
22:36 H. Foley? Something that they wore in a fucking Vietnamese prison camp, you know what I'm saying?
22:40 Speaker 01 My mom still has the Stetson down the shore. It's made the, it's made the movie, like his Stetson. And I took a whiff of it last time. That is a-
22:47 H. Foley? Oh, Joe's?
22:48 Speaker 01 Yeah, that is a man's-
22:50 H. Foley? You should spill spritz of that for yourself.
22:52 Speaker 01 I can't. It brings me, it's just like, it takes me back to like-
22:57 H. Foley? What? You making out?
23:00 Speaker 01 Me and him? Nah, it wasn't as tight. Uh, no, I just, I don't know. It takes me back to like a kid, not in a good way.
23:07 H. Foley? I'm gonna start, oh, good.
23:09 Speaker 01 That's how you start fucking mind fucking-
23:11 H. Foley? Wow, there we go. Talk about psy-ops. I'm gonna start wearing Stetson. Driving race cars.
23:17 Speaker 01 Sure.
23:18 H. Foley? Smoking heaters. Get a mustache.
23:21 Speaker 01 Hey, two out of four ain't bad.
23:24 Speaker 01 You're drinking that like you're that mug? Dude, I feel like that mug's empty and you're drinking it like a Broadway actor. Does anybody else see that? Have you noticed that? It's, you're moving way too much for there to be any liquid in there.
23:36 H. Foley? There's only a little bit in there.
23:37 Speaker 01 I know shit, and you're doing big-
23:39 H. Foley? I drank it too fast.
23:40 Speaker 01 You're doing big gulps?
23:41 H. Foley? In my tattucky cup.
23:42 Speaker 01 The last one was empty, for sure.
23:44 H. Foley? Nah, there's still a bit in there.
23:48 H. Foley? I'll do a little baby sips. I'll, I'll do the cup now. I don't wanna be use reusable plastics.
23:54 Speaker 01 Okay, alright, new guy. I'm putting that up on Craigslist. I need another idiot.
24:03 Speaker 01 I'm looking, you'll apply?
24:04 H. Foley? Send me the link.
24:07 Speaker 01 Come in, hola.
24:09 H. Foley? Yeah, no more plastics for me.
24:10 Speaker 01 Okay.
24:11 H. Foley? Yeah.
24:12 Speaker 01 I don't-
24:12 H. Foley? No more animal products, either.
24:14 Speaker 01 Psych.
24:15 H. Foley? Burger.
24:16 Speaker 01 Got a fur coat on.
24:19 H. Foley? I think you ever coming back?
24:20 Speaker 01 Fur coat?
24:21 H. Foley? Yeah.
24:22 Speaker 01 It's kinda funny. I drove by one. There's a, you know, there's in the, in New York City, uh, there's the garment district. Where they have just like all those weird stores that just sell like random sweatsuits and-
24:36 H. Foley? Wholesale shit.
24:37 Speaker 01 Yeah, I don't, I don't know who they have like-
24:38 H. Foley? Who's buying?
24:39 Speaker 01 I don't understand, I don't know.
24:41 H. Foley? That's all Al Qaeda in my mind.
24:45 H. Foley? They're wearing it, that they're wearing it. That's who's buying that shit.
24:48 Speaker 01 Al Qaeda's running around in a bunch of fur coats, drinking empty mugs.
24:53 H. Foley? No, they were sweatsuits. I figured they work out in that shit. Something. I don't know who's buying that.
24:58 Speaker 01 That's not the videotapes I've seen.
25:00 H. Foley? It ain't jerseys.
25:00 Speaker 01 They're not all, they're not all wearing fucking Adidas matching sweatsuits.
25:04 H. Foley? Maybe they did pick up the profile a little bit.
25:07 Speaker 01 Couple of cool guys.
25:10 Speaker 01 Uh, alright, all that's neither here nor there. We got a Goshdawn Family episode on our hands.
25:14 H. Foley? Get the Wheatons out of here, you're killing me.
25:19 Speaker 01 As you know, when you join the old Patreon, the greatest website of all time, we'll answer your garbage question on the ears. Uh, this one, you know, very relatively timely. This was from Adalas. Uh, "Is it garbage to wear sports gear on vacation? I was just in Mexico on a trip on Sunday and there were tons of people wearing Eagles jerseys."
25:40 H. Foley? Oh, yeah. On Sunday?
25:42 Speaker 01 I gotta push back.
25:44 H. Foley? What?
25:46 Speaker 01 Let me fill you in?
25:47 H. Foley? Please go ahead. I apologize.
25:50 Speaker 01 He's just upset about the Dorito thing.
25:53 Speaker 01 Hey, gusher head. And gushers too. You can't be doing, you can't be buying gushers as an adult. I get all over my paperwork.
25:59 H. Foley? They, they make my teeth hurt. They're so...
26:02 Speaker 01 I never liked them. Never liked them.
26:04 H. Foley? That's crazy.
26:05 Speaker 01 There's not enough chew to, like, they're like too mushy. There's no...
26:09 H. Foley? Who are you, Andy Rooney? You don't like nothing? Yeah, my guy, yeah.
26:16 Speaker 01 I remember...
26:17 H. Foley? Candy didn't taste good. It can't now.
26:20 Speaker 01 I like candy.
26:21 H. Foley? Yeah, candy, cool Doritos.
26:24 Speaker 01 This is just like a fat guy getting mad.
26:25 H. Foley? If it was coal miner Doritos, I would eat it. I'm Kevin Ryan. And I don't like anything fun.
26:37 Speaker 01 That's kinda funny. I didn't know who Andy Rooney was, and then they cut to him one time and I was like, "This guy's got some good ideas."
26:45 H. Foley? Ah, he was funny as shit.
26:46 Speaker 01 Yeah, there you go. Take that, Kippy Rooney coming at you.
26:49 H. Foley? Real butt Kippy Rooney's on.
26:52 Speaker 01 Cut to me, I got a tweed jacket on.
26:55 H. Foley? Dude, a tweed jacket will get you some fucking crazy eyebrows.
26:58 Speaker 01 Hey, try, hit me.
27:01 H. Foley? What's the deal with fat friends? That was more Godfrey. Gilbert. Affleck.
27:15 H. Foley? I did go real Godfrey. Gilbert. Why is it called Fruit by the Foot? It's only 11 inches.
27:21 Speaker 01 Who's that?
27:22 H. Foley? You. Kippy Rooney. I'll work on him.
27:26 Speaker 01 I don't know what voice was.
27:27 H. Foley? I don't know. You got me confused with the Godfrey and then going back and forth to the Affleck.
27:32 Speaker 01 Don't you take a sip of water.
27:33 H. Foley? I had it perfect for a second.
27:34 Speaker 01 Gather yourself.
27:35 H. Foley? I will.
27:35 Speaker 01 Enneigans.
27:38 H. Foley? Hot.
27:39 Speaker 01 You stink.
27:46 H. Foley? Big red.
27:46 Speaker 01 Orange soda.
27:51 H. Foley? Stop telling people I'm a bad actor too.
27:53 Speaker 01 I only told you that in confidence. I didn't know you were gonna blurt it out.
27:57 H. Foley? I wanna say this about the jerseys.
27:59 Speaker 01 Uh huh.
28:00 H. Foley? You remember that there was, um... There was an Eagles game when we were in Hawaii.
28:06 Speaker 01 Yeah.
28:07 H. Foley? It's a Sunday. If you know you're gonna be on vacation and there's a Birds game, you bring your jersey or whatever you want to represent.
28:13 Speaker 01 I gotta, I gotta push back on a Jersey poolside at the beach. I gotta push back. I go, I think vacation wins there. I'm not saying you can't support the team, you can't watch the game, you got a hat on. I think a jersey? A thick NFL, a thick jersey?
28:29 H. Foley? I can't do a jersey in hot weather.
28:31 Speaker 01 That's what I'm saying. I go like, put a tee, if you got a Birds tee shirt or something, show your tattoo. But like, I mean, if you got the elastic up around your arms at a swim-up bar, you look like a bazo.
28:43 H. Foley? I didn't say we're in the pool, the chlorine's gonna stain the fabric.
28:46 Speaker 01 Yeah, I was making a juke. And also, the resort you put us up at, no swim-up bar. I don't know if you remember that or not. Take another empty swig of that.
28:55 H. Foley? There's some in there.
28:58 H. Foley? And you wouldn't know if there was anyway. I'll spill it on my...
29:03 H. Foley? Good actor.
29:08 Speaker 01 Um, yeah, I would, I, I, I'm not, listen, I'm not here to say do it, don't do it. It's trashy. It's trashy.
29:14 H. Foley? Can I say this and it's gonna sound, I'm gonna sound like a real jerk off? And this isn't just the Eagles.
29:19 Speaker 01 Hold on, let me, let me smoke a cig.
29:23 H. Foley? For some teams, I can see that.
29:26 Speaker 01 What?
29:27 H. Foley? That you look like a sucker.
29:30 H. Foley? Some teams.
29:33 Speaker 01 Okay.
29:33 H. Foley? But I, I don't wanna say who, you know.
29:36 Speaker 01 Listen, it's all, it's all teams. If, unless you're at like, you go to like the watch along, but I think if you're at a resort and the guy next to you doesn't have a shirt on and you have a thick Mike Mamula shirt on, jersey on. It's like, you're, you're out of place. That's what I would say. I don't, I don't think sportswear is around the pool and the beach.
29:58 Speaker 03 I think invest in some vacation sportswear if that's that important.
30:02 H. Foley? A Hawaiian.
30:03 Speaker 03 Yeah.
30:03 Speaker 01 Or a T-shirt, or an Eagles T-shirt. You're wearing that at the bar.
30:06 H. Foley? It's just jersey specific.
30:07 Speaker 01 I would say jerseys, yeah. Too thick. It's, it's a...
30:10 H. Foley? Alright, bro. I'll give it to you. But if we're on vacation and I got my jersey on, you start talking shit, you might get rocked.
30:17 Speaker 01 You don't have a jersey. You just said you don't like them.
30:20 H. Foley? And now you know what to get me for Christmas. I'd like a nice jersey.
30:25 H. Foley? Mine. From high school.
30:27 Speaker 01 Sure.
30:28 H. Foley? I'd be cool if you got me a Widener jersey.
30:31 Speaker 01 Don't get your hopes up.
30:34 H. Foley? I was 62. My Uncle Joe was 62. That's why I used 62 in high school. College, they gave me like five, I was like double zero or something like. Or 98. Weak. It was so big on me too.
30:46 Speaker 01 You were playing roulette, yours is green? This guy don't get in much. Uh...
30:53 H. Foley? More of an outside better.
30:57 Speaker 01 Um, this one is, this is from, uh, let's see, this is from Adam. Resub, $10 homie resubbed after being jammed up. Welcome back.
31:07 H. Foley? Hello.
31:07 Speaker 01 Uh, hello.
31:10 H. Foley? I'm Kippy Rooney.
31:11 Speaker 01 Is it garbage if your dad had to tie his shoelaces?
31:16 H. Foley? I don't like what this is.
31:17 Speaker 01 To his windshield wipers so he could, before he could get them fixed. I guess he was...
31:22 H. Foley? Wow. Huh.
31:24 Speaker 01 Um...
31:27 Speaker 01 Man, coming from a guy who doesn't have a good windshield wiper sitch going on right now.
31:32 H. Foley? No shit.
31:32 Speaker 01 It's been bad. Since I bought the car, it's been bad.
31:34 H. Foley? Yeah, mine's still, the windshield wipers aren't great anyway.
31:37 Speaker 01 Yeah.
31:38 H. Foley? The fog gets somewhere. I can't, I can't, I can't get it with the frost. It's just after like a couple of days, it streak.
31:45 Speaker 01 Yeah, I don't know. Mine's not good. I asked when I took it in for a tune up last time. I asked them to throw a new set of blades on there.
31:51 H. Foley? That didn't work?
31:52 Speaker 01 I don't know if they did or not.
31:53 H. Foley? It's something with the angle. You know what you gotta get is those two, two Jons. The double blade wipers.
31:58 Speaker 01 The Rain-X.
31:59 H. Foley? Oh, forget, we've talked about, forget about Rain-X. If everything worked as good as Rain-X, I mean, come on.
32:04 Speaker 01 But, yeah.
32:05 H. Foley? That stuff's amazing.
32:06 Speaker 01 I would argue, if you're doing that, I'll let you do that to get out of a pinch. If you're in a monsoon, I recommend just pull over and wait for the rain to pass if you don't got working windshield wipers.
32:15 H. Foley? Sure.
32:15 Speaker 01 Just me, hand up.
32:16 H. Foley? Mm-hmm.
32:17 Speaker 01 But, if you're gonna do that, I, great ingenuity, you made it work. How do you make the other one work, though?
32:24 H. Foley? That's Three Stooges shit right there. You got the wife doing this.
32:27 Speaker 01 Looks like you're doing a mashed potato. I can do that. Man, you, I, what are you, if you would've asked me at eight what the national dance is, I would've said the mashed potato and the twist.
32:38 H. Foley? Doing this, the twist.
32:40 Speaker 01 That would come, if there was-
32:41 H. Foley? I wish that would come back.
32:42 Speaker 01 There was ever a dance floor at a Sullivan family party, i.e. a christening, a wedding, something like that.
32:49 H. Foley? Twist is great for a fat kid.
32:50 Speaker 01 I mean, I was, I was over in the corner.
32:52 H. Foley? Till somebody does the worm, or makes you look like a fucking jerk off.
32:55 Speaker 01 Yeah. Hey, buddy, it's a family program. Why you start thrusting up in the floor?
32:58 H. Foley? It's always some cousin's fucking greasy boyfriend doing that shit. Fucking scumbag. Fucking coming in here at my fucking aunt's wedding, fucking embarrassing everybody doing that fucking American bandstand shit. That ain't my kinda rock and roll, buddy. I'll tell you that right fucking now. You do the fucking, you do the twist, you wanna fucking shimmy it up a little bit, do that. Fucking come in here, your fucking abs, fucking, ugh, ugh. All sweaty.
33:25 Speaker 01 First times that one of the girls in my family started dating an Italian. Joey. Dude, he showed up to Christmas. They must, she must've been, he was older too. And I think he's still around in our fam, like, somebody, he's somebody's-
33:40 H. Foley? Of course you can't get rid of him.
33:43 Speaker 01 He's somebody's, nice kid. Guy, I mean, he's probably fucking.
33:47 H. Foley? If you want a stereo or something like that.
33:49 Speaker 01 He's probably pushing 50 at this point. Nice guy. That's such a Philly dirtbag. Good kid. He's got like four kids. He's retired. Got a pension. Um, but he walked in, this is, this is down in Port Richmond. He walked into Christmas, Christmas Eve.
34:06 H. Foley? I mean, slid in.
34:07 Speaker 01 In a, in a head to toe Adidas tracksuit, brand new dude. He had the undershirt on, the shoes, the pants. I mean, he got crucified. And I didn't under, I was too young to understand why. I just saw the room. Dude, they got him, they got him in like the, at the front door, like a mob hit. Like he opened the door and it was like, yo, what the fuck? I mean, they were calling him like.
34:35 H. Foley? They hadn't met him yet?
34:36 Speaker 01 No, they did. Some of them did. But he got, I mean, he got crushed. And I remember the first time being like, that sucked. You gotta hang out here. Cause, cause your girl, your girl, he should have just been like, you guys got me? I'm tagged, I'm out. I'm not hanging out here for three hours.
34:50 H. Foley? You ever played it the other way? You ever walk into an Italian household? Fucking little Irish fat kid. He fucking ripped me to shreds. Uncle fucking one-liners in the corner, fucking crucified me. Cause I go up to get a fucking, second blade of fucking angel hair. Guy's fucking busting my, you got a mustache, man. You're yelling at me. I'm fucking 14 years old. I have a fucking weight problem. The fuck, I don't know. Tell your wife not to make fucking the sauce so good. Maybe I wouldn't fucking be up here three times. Just crushing me. Brutal.
35:22 Speaker 01 They're brutal.
35:23 H. Foley? And killing too.
35:24 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah. Ah, ha, ha, they all laugh.
35:27 H. Foley? Whole bottle of wine on the table. They made it. Killing me.
35:31 Speaker 01 Fucking guido's.
35:33 H. Foley? Food was so good though, I took it.
35:35 Speaker 01 Woo wee. Yeah, that was, uh.
35:40 H. Foley? That's like when you realize what funny was.
35:42 Speaker 01 Yeah.
35:43 H. Foley? You know?
35:43 Speaker 01 Yeah.
35:44 H. Foley? That was my kind of fun, even though they were coming at me.
35:46 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm. Uh, yeah, well, my, uh, we met him, my Uncle Pat came to the Atlantic City show, and he was talking, he had his boy there, and his boy goes, "I hear a lot of you, Kevin, in you." And I'm like, "Yeah, I'm just mimicking"
36:01 H. Foley? Oh, yeah.
36:01 Speaker 01 "The funnier guys that were at the party growing up." You know what I mean? I'm like, "I just took a little here, a little there, a little timing from him, a little act out from him, a little attitude from him." Got out, Brendan.
36:12 H. Foley? An artist doesn't create, he listens.
36:14 Speaker 01 Sure.
36:15 H. Foley? To my new book. An artist doesn't create, he listens.
36:19 Speaker 01 Drinking from empty cup, step one.
36:24 H. Foley? Still a little bit in there. I'll get to the first commercial break. Kevin, let's talk about Hexclad.
36:29 Speaker 01 Shout out to Hexclad!
36:31 H. Foley? Talk about getting with the big dogs.
36:33 Speaker 01 Woo!
36:33 H. Foley? We're selling Hexclad, baby, let's go!
36:36 Speaker 01 Oh, man.
36:36 H. Foley? Gang, it's the fall. Order it out. All that stuff, it's done. You want to do a little cooking in the fall and the winter? Hexclad is the way to go.
36:45 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
36:45 H. Foley? The best on the market. Get some Hexclad, tell them the boys sent ya.
36:49 Speaker 01 Yeah, uh, guys, I've, this is, this is just serendipitous timing. I bought a full set of Hexclad because I was tired of my bozo ass pans, pots and pans I had, and I came in and I started bragging about it on the show before they were even a sponsor.
37:02 H. Foley? I got the free ones.
37:03 Speaker 01 It's, it's, I mean, you could, you could, the eggs couldn't stick to this thing even if you used super glue.
37:08 H. Foley? Slide them off.
37:09 Speaker 01 Obviously, I'm speaking with hyperbole.
37:11 H. Foley? Of course.
37:11 Speaker 01 But it's fantastic, you feel like a pro. It takes the, it takes the stress out of, "Oh, my God, is this too hot, is this too cold?" The pan does it for ya.
37:18 H. Foley? You just feel good when you're cooking with them.
37:20 Speaker 01 Uh-huh, I got, I got the six-piece set. It's a perfect starter, uh, bundle for any kitchen. It includes three of their most popular pans with the matching lids. Gives you everything you need to handle daily cooking with ease. From breakfast to dinner, these pans deliver pro-level performance, effortless cleanup, and durability to last a friggin' lifetime.
37:36 H. Foley? Mm-hmm.
37:37 Speaker 01 Uh, game days are here, it's time to upgrade your kitchen for hosting season. Get 10% off at hexclad.com/garbage and make sure your, your spread is as strong as your lineup. Support the show and cook with gear as serious as your passion at hexclad, H-E-X-C-L-A-D dot com forward slash garbage. Let Hexclad know we sent you and experience the ultimate upgrade in your kitchen with Hexclad. Superior performance, Hexclad, do it.
38:03 Speaker 04 Hey Spotify listeners. When you travel with American Airlines, you'll enjoy comfort and convenience at every altitude. Before takeoff, unwind in the Admiral's Club Lounge with curated self-serve offerings of hearty bites and refreshments. In-flight, stay connected with high-speed Wi-Fi. Sponsored by AT&T. Your journey is designed to feel easy from the moment you check in to the moment you arrive. No matter where you're going, American gets you there. Book now at AA.com.
38:28 Speaker 01 Um, alright, this one's from Bugland Bad. Any ladies in your family obsessed with horses or wolves?
38:36 H. Foley? That's a tough look. Horses, yes. Is someone in your family? My mom loves horses. Really? She likes the trotters. No, she loves horses. Never bet the trotters. She talks, she, okay, she had a horse. What? For like a minute. This was when she was in, I don't know, you get her on the phone, she starts, she acts like she's fucking, um, uh... I had a pony. She's, yeah, she's actually, she's Katherine Hepburn or something like that. Just talking about like, you know, like she grew up on the farm or like around the Kentucky Derby. My Uncle Jack had horses, or had a horse, and... Were they up in Wilkes-Barre or something? Yeah, I think, somewhere up there. I don't think that was like the prestigious horse. That was like a workhorse. Yeah, dude. She had an old mule.
39:21 H. Foley? He'd run out for parties or something. Patches it was called. That's not a, that's a dog's name at best. That ain't a horse's name. And I, I never seen it. That horse got three legs. I don't even know where the fucking farm was. It could have been in a fucking empty lot around the corner for all I know. Um, but I know my, my Uncle Jack, they're, they're big in rodeo and all that stuff down in, down in Texas. Um, but this was like 1979. She said she had a horse. She used to ride it. And she loves horses. And for a minute, she was volunteering at like, uh, at like a horse farm, like brushing the horses and shit. I'm like, you're gonna get fucking kicked in the tit. What are you doing over there? Go to fucking water aerobics like a normal person. Yeah.
40:04 H. Foley? You can't get on a, a trained horse trainer. Probably doping him up.
40:12 Speaker 01 Yeah, I don't think anyone in my family's ever been on a horse. I know Denise does not get close, has never been close to a horse.
40:20 H. Foley? Flat teeth.
40:21 Speaker 01 I can guarantee you that.
40:22 H. Foley? Wolves is extra trashy though.
40:24 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's, um, I had a, uh, there's a faction of my family, extended, whatever, family that lives, uh, up in, up in the mountains.
40:35 H. Foley? Yeah?
40:35 Speaker 01 Yeah, they come down once about every 12 years.
40:37 H. Foley? No shit?
40:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
40:39 H. Foley? Huh. You gotta get eyes on them.
40:42 Speaker 01 Uh-uh.
40:42 H. Foley? No kidding?
40:43 Speaker 01 It's no bueno.
40:45 H. Foley? Ooh.
40:46 Speaker 01 Yeah, you'll, you, you would, there's no, there's no, uh...
40:53 H. Foley? I think the fireplace is always going at their house. See the smoke rising?
40:56 Speaker 01 Yeah, there's, I don't even know what the house, no one's ever been up there. They're like mountain people.
41:02 H. Foley? Whoa.
41:02 Speaker 01 Yeah.
41:03 H. Foley? Heavy.
41:04 Speaker 01 I've all, I've seen them in the past 20 years, once.
41:09 H. Foley? They smell like wood when they're around?
41:11 Speaker 01 Yeah.
41:12 H. Foley? Yeah.
41:13 Speaker 01 Uh-huh. Uh, but she came down...
41:16 H. Foley? Wooden gunpowder.
41:18 Speaker 01 She came down with one of those wolf shirts on. To like an event, like...
41:24 H. Foley? Even, even Joey was making fun of her.
41:28 H. Foley? Talk about me, look at this fucking brud.
41:30 Speaker 01 Different side of the family. Um, yeah, with a wo, with a wolf shirt.
41:35 H. Foley? Like the one like Jack Black wears? Ian wears those kinda shirts.
41:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
41:38 H. Foley? Like kitschy.
41:39 Speaker 01 Ian, yeah, this wasn't kitschy, this was like, I'm putting, this is my nice shirt I'm putting on.
41:44 H. Foley? I don't get the wolves thing.
41:46 Speaker 01 I don't get it either. They're, they're...
41:47 H. Foley? They're cool.
41:48 Speaker 01 They're a majestic, uh, they're the, you know, they're a more spiritual majestic.
41:51 H. Foley? Until they're fucking ripping you apart on a fucking hike.
41:54 Speaker 01 I, no, I, trust me, I agree.
41:56 H. Foley? They don't fuck around, they roll deep too, 15, 20 of them.
41:59 Speaker 01 Pack them and get you.
42:00 H. Foley? Uh-uh. Have you seen, you ever seen that big one? The one that, I can't remember where it was, it was a big, like gray black wolf. It was huge.
42:09 Speaker 01 Yeah, we think they're like dogs. Actual wolves are like significantly bigger.
42:13 H. Foley? Fuck you up.
42:14 Speaker 01 Yeah, dog. Um...
42:16 H. Foley? I don't get that. I think they're cool, but, I don't know. I remember being at somebody's house and they had like a painting of them. Behind the couch.
42:24 Speaker 01 It's so trashy. It's so trashy. They were big.
42:29 H. Foley? It's got, the family.
42:30 Speaker 03 I get it if it was like a Yellowstone portrait and you got some wolves in it, but I imagine it's like...
42:35 H. Foley? What's a Yellowstone? Oh, like, I thought you meant the show.
42:41 H. Foley? Are you related to Kevin Costner?
42:42 Speaker 01 That's, now that you say that, that same faction of the, uh, of the family, another branch of that, was very, uh, like southwest influenced. You know, like New Mexico, Wolfland.
42:57 H. Foley? I don't get that.
42:58 Speaker 01 They, they had a bu- she had a three, I don't, I don't-
43:01 H. Foley? That Tex-Mex bullshit.
43:02 Speaker 01 Ah, yeah, I don't fuck with that.
43:04 H. Foley? Turquoise jewelry.
43:05 Speaker 01 Pick a side, will ya? Tex-Mex.
43:10 H. Foley? Turquoise jewelry and tostadas?
43:12 Speaker 01 I remember the first time I went out for Tex-Mex, I didn't know what it was. This is, this is late in the game. I was proper mid twenties.
43:19 H. Foley? I just thought it was what they added to the Alamo.
43:22 Speaker 01 I didn't, I, I'm not even, I gotta be honest, I'm not sure what the Alamo is. Uh, that's where, that's where my neck-
43:28 H. Foley? It's a rental car place. They screw ya!
43:30 Speaker 01 The motherfuckers owe me. Uh, here for a tank of gas. Uh, I went out with Phil X. He's like, "Let's go to Tex-Mex." And this is when we were like, I was becoming an adult.
43:41 H. Foley? Uh-huh. You've had a wheat then?
43:43 Speaker 01 I was still eating Doritos.
43:47 Speaker 01 And I thought, I, I didn't know, I hadn't really started my foray into Mexican food.
43:53 H. Foley? Uh-huh.
43:53 Speaker 01 And there was just like, I got like the sausage, the smoked sausage sampler platters, it was, which was, would've been for like thirteen people or something.
44:04 Speaker 01 I ordered off the catering menu.
44:08 Speaker 01 And he's like, "Really?" Like, he got like a burri- you know, I don't know what the fuck he got.
44:12 H. Foley? That comes with seven salads.
44:16 Speaker 01 Is it me, or is that a lot of coleslaw?
44:27 H. Foley? That's a lot of coleslaw!
44:30 H. Foley? You know you're fucked up when the sides hit the table, really, "Oh shit."
44:37 H. Foley? Fuck! And they put down like a holding thing?
44:41 Speaker 01 Dude, it was like, it was like wheels of sausage, you know what I mean? Like, like the roll. Like, they got it from the grocery store and just cooked it and cut this thing up or nothing.
44:53 H. Foley? Ah, you stink. What'd Phil say?
44:57 Speaker 01 I was just like, "Ah, this is a lot." And he's like, "Yeah, it's a weird choice, man." And I was just like, muscling through some of my fucking ninth link of sausage.
45:05 H. Foley? The quinceanera platter.
45:10 Speaker 01 Pretty sure he picked up that check.
45:15 Speaker 01 I didn't know what Tex-Mex was.
45:17 H. Foley? I don't really understand what it is either. I'd like to try right now for you.
45:21 Speaker 01 Can you pull up the actual definition, see if Foley can define it?
45:24 H. Foley? There's beans involved.
45:26 Speaker 01 I mean, I think it's a hybrid combination of Tex- Texas and Mexican food.
45:30 H. Foley? Texas barbecue and Mexican food.
45:33 Speaker 01 I would, yeah, I think it's a blending of the two.
45:36 H. Foley? But I feel like baked burritos on there for some reason. A burrito with sauce on top that you would eat with a fork and a knife.
45:43 Speaker 01 What do you got?
45:44 Speaker 03 Blend is the key word. Blend of Mexican and Southern American features, originally characteristics of border regions of Texas and Mexico.
45:50 H. Foley? Hit me with a dish.
45:52 Speaker 01 Sausage platter.
45:55 H. Foley? Is it like when you put beans in chili? Like, because Texas chili is no beans.
46:00 Speaker 03 Defined by using ingredients like beef, yellow cheese, flour, tortillas, along with spices like cumin. Key dishes include fajitas, nachos, chili corn, carne.
46:11 H. Foley? Oh, okay. I got you. Alright, so, okay.
46:13 Speaker 03 Sour cream is like a big Tex-Mex.
46:15 H. Foley? Oh, no shit. So it's not really anything. I got it. It's just Americanized Mexican food.
46:23 Speaker 01 A version of that, yeah.
46:24 H. Foley? Which I'm into. I liked, I told you. I like a traditional, but, you know, hit me with an otega.
46:31 Speaker 01 Yeah.
46:32 H. Foley? I'm in.
46:32 Speaker 03 Sure, I'm right there with you.
46:34 H. Foley? Turn it right on, I'm in.
46:35 Speaker 03 Smoke something with your dog. Um, alright.
46:38 H. Foley? You getting more of that sausage on you, big man?
46:41 Speaker 03 It was like, it was a lot.
46:42 Speaker 01 Did you take it home?
46:44 Speaker 03 I doubt it. I think I was sleeping on his couch.
46:48 H. Foley? Cut it, you punk.
46:49 Speaker 03 Tough times.
46:52 Speaker 03 I had such a-
46:53 H. Foley? He probably thought you were real jammed up. You ordered that much food?
46:56 Speaker 03 I mean, he knows, I think he's well aware.
46:57 H. Foley? Geez, man, I'll get you breakfast tomorrow.
46:59 Speaker 03 Yeah.
46:59 H. Foley? Nah, this is cool.
47:04 H. Foley? What a loser.
47:07 Speaker 01 Yeah, I owe that kid so much money. It's crazy. It's crazy. So nuts.
47:14 H. Foley? I'll go down. Send me down.
47:16 Speaker 01 What?
47:17 H. Foley? Whatever he needs, you know? Go ahead and shake hands. I'll do a golf thing with him. Let him show me off a little bit.
47:23 H. Foley? Nah, it's fine.
47:25 Speaker 01 I had a day offer to take me to his country club. And I don't know anything about the country clubs, obviously. I'm more of a public...
47:31 H. Foley? Guys have sausage?
47:33 Speaker 01 Loser. Can you send me the menu? Uh, he's like, "Yeah, we can go here." I said, "There?" I said, "I'm a goddamn half a celebrity taking me to that. I don't know anything about it."
47:45 Speaker 01 Fuck, I can't be seen going there?
47:47 H. Foley? Public course.
47:48 Speaker 01 Place sucks.
47:52 H. Foley? Ah, man, we stink.
47:54 Speaker 01 Yeah, I had a realization of like, the struggle I had. Because as you know, now I'm a father, I've taken a lot of like, you know...
48:03 H. Foley? You still talking about the sausage? Get over it. You misordered.
48:08 Speaker 01 Swing and a miss. No, just like how much both of us, I'd say you still to a certain extent, struggle to be adults. Proper functioning adults. It's bad. For a long time,
48:23 Speaker 01 we just didn't have the resources to do it.
48:27 Speaker 01 Now that I'm a father and I see the responsibility, I went, "Oh, people have been doing this." You think you're behind, you think you, this is, I never realized how immature I was once the fatherhood came. And I was like, "Oh, everyone I know has been doing this for eight years."
48:45 H. Foley? And so you think attacking Doritos is gonna turn this all around on you? Is that what this is?
48:50 Speaker 01 You didn't like the comment about the Doritos?
48:52 H. Foley? I did not.
48:53 Speaker 01 I did not.
48:55 H. Foley? Goddamn American pastime. That's probably, Doritos probably Tex Mex.
49:00 H. Foley? Right?
49:01 Speaker 01 Listen, you're not wrong.
49:04 Speaker 01 Uh, this one's funny. This is from All the Toes, $10 Woodsman. How many tree stumps are in your yard? Bonus points if it's all stumps.
49:12 Speaker 01 I would, uh, I think to me, they were, my understanding of them, and they were very hard to get out up until like 15, 20 years ago.
49:22 H. Foley? 100%.
49:23 Speaker 01 It was like, what are you gonna do about this stump? You had to know a guy. Then the technology, they come and they drill it. They would burn them out. All that stuff.
49:31 H. Foley? The watch I saw.
49:33 Speaker 01 But now it seems like they'll come over in 30 minutes and fucking zip them out.
49:36 H. Foley? Cause there's more than machines out there and the technology's caught up. I remember watching that shit like it was fucking seeing fire for the first time. These dudes came over on a Saturday. It was done in five minutes. They just dropped this huge fucking thing.
49:54 H. Foley? It was all, you're all seeing instant mulch. Wood chips everywhere.
49:57 Speaker 01 Crazy.
49:58 H. Foley? Had to rake that shit up. Fucking, I'm busting my balls. But yeah.
50:02 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm. That's, um...
50:04 H. Foley? You ever try to go out one of those things? My dad, he must've had a Coors Light or two in him.
50:09 Speaker 01 Try to take a stump out?
50:10 H. Foley? Yeah.
50:10 Speaker 01 Nah, we were not, we were not, we were not large landscapers. We did, we cut the grass, we redid the beds. My dad would drop the mulch, drop the rock. We would do that, but like
50:21 Speaker 01 we knew there was better tools than us hacking at that for fucking a four day weekend.
50:25 H. Foley? Dude, we were hacking at it. My dad's so pissed. Cause those roots down there, they're like flexible. They're not dry, they're moist. And you can't snap those things.
50:37 Speaker 01 I saw one, it was the chain around it and then a wheel. And if you use like, if you put the wheel up, it acts as a fulcrum. Simple machines, take you back to elementary.
50:45 H. Foley? A wheel?
50:46 Speaker 01 Yeah, you take a tire.
50:47 H. Foley? Uh-huh.
50:48 Speaker 01 Like a truck tire, say. You wrap a chain around it and then a lot of people try to rip it, like with the back of their truck. Like they tow it.
50:55 H. Foley? Okay.
50:55 Speaker 01 You know what I mean? Like they pull it. Um, but this, you put a tire, like say this is the chain, you put a tire here.
51:01 H. Foley? Oh, I got you.
51:02 Speaker 01 And that creates the frick, and that can absorb, the tire can absorb the tension and create the whatever. And that pops it right out.
51:08 H. Foley? No shit?
51:09 Speaker 01 I mean, I ain't doing it.
51:10 H. Foley? Fuck that.
51:10 Speaker 01 I remember there was one in my yard and my dad's yard and, uh...
51:15 H. Foley? They were kinda cool for a little while. If you had a big one, you sit on it.
51:18 Speaker 01 I remember him going, "Yeah, we could burn this out." I remember going, I was like seven. I'm like, "We're not doing that." I'm like, "That, we're not, no, we're not try to light a tree on fire kinda guys. We have no experience doing that. We live in the suburb." Like, it's not like we're in like a country where you got like three acres and you can just let it burn. Yeah, we don't have a burn pit, dude.
51:38 Speaker 03 My dad tried to do that for one weekend.
51:40 Speaker 01 It takes like the weekend. It takes like two days.
51:43 Speaker 03 And it didn't work out. He just had to call in Tom Koscheta.
51:46 Speaker 01 That's a good tree guy name.
51:47 H. Foley? Tom Koscheta. Is he the tree guy or the everything guy?
51:49 Speaker 03 No, he's the tree guy. Wow.
51:51 H. Foley? Tom Koscheta. Tom Koscheta, that out in five minutes. You know what the hell you're doing, Lou?
52:01 H. Foley? I'm kidding, sir.
52:04 H. Foley? Please don't fire me.
52:07 Speaker 01 Also, I saw a comment. Somebody really thinks we sold to Luke's family's company, the Dempsey Group.
52:14 H. Foley? We didn't?
52:15 Speaker 01 What? What are those papers I signed?
52:19 H. Foley? Two guys coming to drag me away?
52:21 Speaker 01 Oh, God. Alright, let's see here. Um...
52:27 Speaker 01 Never ha- this is from Flatbush Tommy. Never have one read. Uh...
52:32 Speaker 01 Let's see. "I've caught my old man adding salt to the pretzel bag. P.S. He's on high blood pressure meds."
52:38 H. Foley? Ooh.
52:38 Speaker 01 That's wild.
52:40 H. Foley? Yeah, cuz it doesn't stick to it.
52:43 Speaker 01 Yeah, that was just in the bottom then.
52:45 H. Foley? Yeah.
52:46 Speaker 01 Unless you maybe flick some water in.
52:47 H. Foley? Yeah, you gotta flick some water on that first. Coat it up.
52:50 Speaker 01 That's still enough.
52:50 H. Foley? Oh, you meant because it's bad for you?
52:53 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's what I meant because it's bad for you. It's also, it's like... I don't know, I'm a big pretzel guy.
52:58 H. Foley? I could go with a little more salt on my Cheez-It, to be honest with you. Not on my Goldfish.
53:03 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah, I don't, I don't-
53:04 H. Foley? But my Cheez-It, I could use a little hit.
53:06 Speaker 01 I don't hate that, but the pretzels I feel are... You're buying the wrong pretzels, and you have many options of pretzels to get here.
53:11 H. Foley? I would say most of the time, pretzels are too fucking salty.
53:14 Speaker 01 That's, yeah, I mean, they're well salted.
53:16 H. Foley? You ever catch those rods? They'll fucking suck your eyes in the back here.
53:20 Speaker 01 Screaming cold fucking root beer.
53:22 H. Foley? Yeah, you do. Are the Snyder's? That thick, like real, real white salt? Oh, man, that shit's brutal. I end up scraping half of it off. Sometimes on a soft pretzel, too, they do a little too much.
53:33 Speaker 01 Yeah.
53:33 H. Foley? Not in Philly, but sometimes in the other ones, they go over the top. It's like, what the fuck?
53:37 Speaker 01 I watched, I used to get them a lot when I was very broke. I'd get a Diet Coke from the street vendor, and those pretzels stunk.
53:44 H. Foley? Oh, they suck.
53:45 Speaker 01 Suck, so bad. Especially coming from a pretzel culture.
53:48 H. Foley? Hey, dude, the soft pretzels in New York are whack.
53:51 Speaker 01 Um.
53:52 H. Foley? We should open up a soft pretzel place up here.
53:54 Speaker 01 You wanna?
53:55 H. Foley? We'd clean up.
53:56 Speaker 01 So we don't know how to make pretzels?
53:57 H. Foley? We get some fucking drunk to do it, I don't know.
54:01 Speaker 01 That's, that's a good start to the business.
54:03 H. Foley? Some fucking guy.
54:04 Speaker 01 Yeah, fucking Larry Kleinschmidt. What's his name? What's your tree guy's name?
54:07 H. Foley? Tom Cheshetti?
54:08 Speaker 03 Tom Cheshetta?
54:09 H. Foley? Tom Cheshetta.
54:10 Speaker 03 Tom Cheshetta.
54:10 H. Foley? We can find-
54:11 Speaker 01 Find, uh, the, find out if we can open up, uh, what's the requirements for a South, for a Philadelphia pretzel company, uh, just have them, to ship them up every day?
54:21 H. Foley? That's not a bad idea.
54:22 Speaker 01 For a franchise, so I think-
54:23 H. Foley? No, I'm not doing South Philly, get our own spot.
54:27 Speaker 01 You have them, we have to make the pretzels.
54:28 H. Foley? Well, we'll go down to Philly, we'll get our-
54:30 Speaker 01 Doing this every day? You gotta be, you can't be selling day, you're lazy ass, gonna try to be selling day olds in a week. Yeah, I don't wanna sit in traffic.
54:38 H. Foley? Can I finish?
54:38 Speaker 01 No.
54:40 H. Foley? We go down to Philly, we find somebody that knows how to make pretzels, we put the screws to him, and let him know that if he wants things to go nice, he'll do what we ask. We bring him up here, we tell him you're gonna make pretzels for us, get him to make the soft pretzels.
54:59 Speaker 01 Yeah, I don't think anything can go wrong with that. Sounds like a, seems like a foolproof plan.
55:03 H. Foley? We find the pretzel maker in Philly and hire him to come up here and make pretzels. We'll open them up, brick and mortar, we'll ship around the country.
55:11 Speaker 01 I think I'm out.
55:12 H. Foley? Do holiday pack-
55:12 Speaker 01 I'm out.
55:13 Speaker 03 I can get you a hundred for a hundred thirty.
55:16 Speaker 01 A hundred pretzels for a hundred and thirty bucks?
55:18 Speaker 03 Yep.
55:18 H. Foley? So if we, hu- how, what is it?
55:21 Speaker 03 Hundred pretzels, hundred thirty dollars.
55:23 H. Foley? Fuck that. They, they can't sell a pretzel for more than a dollar.
55:26 Speaker 01 Up here you can.
55:27 H. Foley? For what?
55:27 Speaker 01 These fucking yuppies, these tourists, they don't know what's going, this is your problem. You don't understand business at a granular, granu- granular level.
55:35 H. Foley? Get these rubes up here.
55:36 Speaker 01 Well, dude, say you're walking down the street, you're from Philly, you're, uh, a heavier man, you indulge in the salty carbohydrates of said soft pretzels? You go, holy shit, you smell and look-
55:52 Speaker 01 Like South Philly pretzels. And you pop in there and I go, hey, these pretzels. They're 250 each. Five bucks, two pretzels. What are you doing?
56:05 H. Foley? Three dollars, five for two. Two for five. That's how you do it. I'm fucking deal quarters. Three dollars a pretzel, two for five. Everyone's doing two for five. Two for five, that's 50 times five is $250. I made $120 on the pretzels.
56:26 Speaker 01 You gonna take out gas?
56:27 H. Foley? I'll see you around.
56:28 Speaker 01 Take out gas, take out tolls?
56:29 H. Foley? Gas? Where do I get gas?
56:31 Speaker 01 You gotta go down and buy these pretzels.
56:32 H. Foley? I thought this wasn't shipping too?
56:35 Speaker 03 Oh, I mean, we can ship these ones.
56:37 Speaker 01 Yeah, but you can't ship them. You can't be eating, you can't be selling day old pretzels.
56:40 Speaker 03 Yeah.
56:41 Speaker 01 Yelp will be all over.
56:42 H. Foley? Oh, I agree 100%.
56:46 Speaker 01 Two day old pretzels.
56:49 Speaker 01 Uh, you are a biz-oo.
56:52 H. Foley? Yeah, that's a good idea in theory, though.
56:54 Speaker 01 I think that's a good way to diversify. Open up a fr- see, are they franchising?
56:58 H. Foley? So we do a Philly pretzel company up here?
57:00 Speaker 03 Yeah.
57:01 Speaker 01 I'm surprised nobody has.
57:02 H. Foley? It's gotta be one.
57:03 Speaker 01 They tried like the cheesesteak places. They don't really last either. It's weird.
57:07 H. Foley? You're trying to do a powerful.
57:08 Speaker 01 Friends too high. You can't be selling dollar pretzels. I mean, but the pizza places do it.
57:12 Speaker 03 Franchising starts at 150...
57:14 Speaker 01 Thousand or pretzels?
57:17 H. Foley? Look, just give us 20 pretzels.
57:19 Speaker 01 150,000 it says?
57:21 Speaker 03 It starts there. It goes up depending on the store type. Uh, it goes up to like 500.
57:26 Speaker 01 Man, I used to remember.
57:27 H. Foley? What store? What, what, what's the 500 one? Is there like slides and shit in there?
57:30 Speaker 03 Uh, I bet if you're in a higher market.
57:32 Speaker 01 Yeah, probably size of the thing too.
57:34 Speaker 03 Store, yeah.
57:35 H. Foley? Oh, back to the drawing board.
57:36 Speaker 01 I remember eating their hot dog pretzel, like they're big, that, you know.
57:40 H. Foley? Yeah.
57:42 Speaker 01 I'd be, I think I was going to Temple Night Classes in Center City.
57:44 H. Foley? The burps on those things are.
57:46 Speaker 01 Man, they, they sit with you for about 48 hours.
57:50 H. Foley? Ooh, they hold your hand like your grandmother.
57:52 Speaker 01 Talk about day olds.
57:53 H. Foley? Dude. Phew, it's like hospice, fucking hanging on, brutal.
57:59 Speaker 01 Um, this is an all-time pro move, this is from Antoody's Bookie, recent $10 sleeper cell recruit here, never had like that, never had one read. Is it garbage to hold on to winning scratchers in case you get jammed up and need a quick 5 to 20 bucks?
58:13 H. Foley? That's really smart.
58:14 Speaker 01 That is brilliant.
58:16 H. Foley? Wow.
58:17 Speaker 01 I always go, let's lay it, if you win 10, I go buy an extra 10. But I like this.
58:22 H. Foley? Cause you're not gonna, you're not gonna go and return it unless you really need it. So you're not gonna blow it, you're not gonna spend, if it was 5 and 10 bucks just laying around, that you could grab and go.
58:32 Speaker 01 Yeah.
58:32 H. Foley? That's really smart.
58:33 Speaker 01 That's bril, that's like, fucking, that's like a 401k to me.
58:37 H. Foley? Yeah, that's really good.
58:38 Speaker 01 Ah shit, 20 bucks, oh here you go, let me go pop across the street, cash this, you got 20.
58:43 H. Foley? Yeah.
58:43 Speaker 01 That's great.
58:45 H. Foley? Man, that is like, that's protecting you from yourself. That's what that is.
58:51 Speaker 01 Not bad.
58:52 H. Foley? Right?
58:52 Speaker 01 Not bad.
58:55 H. Foley? Cause you know it takes a lot to get my fat ass off the couch.
58:58 Speaker 01 Sure.
58:59 H. Foley? Know what I'm saying?
59:00 Speaker 01 Uh huh, well alright.
59:00 H. Foley? You with me on this?
59:01 Speaker 01 I'm with you, big dog. She, I smoke some of them.
59:03 H. Foley? 500 grand for fucking pretzels? Yeah, right.
59:07 Speaker 01 Um, alright, let's see, this is from the Jersey Bull, lot to unpack here, $10 handjob, never had one read. This is a three-parter.
59:14 H. Foley? Wow, alright.
59:16 Speaker 01 Is it garbage if your stepmom was your neighbor growing up? Okay, listening, I'm ready for part two.
59:24 H. Foley? Hey man, people fall in love.
59:26 Speaker 01 Is it more trashy if your dad and that whore got married on Halloween, which is my favorite holiday?
59:35 Speaker 01 This guy, this guy is holding the grudges.
59:40 H. Foley? I didn't know he stood until just now.
59:43 Speaker 01 Is it even more trashy that I went as a drag queen? Wait. You're very upset. And I get that. I'm not here to tell you you can't be upset and call her whatever word you want to call her.
59:56 H. Foley? I respect it.
59:57 Speaker 01 That's that. I don't know what happened. I don't know what then.
59:59 H. Foley? She ruined your Halloween.
1:00:00 Speaker 01 She stepped out, you know, whatever. Your family got fractured for whatever reasons. You're not happy about it. I get that.
1:00:06 H. Foley? Listen, I hear this.
1:00:08 Speaker 01 A Halloween wedding is wild.
1:00:10 H. Foley? Neighbor's stepmom getting married on Halloween. That's freak shit.
1:00:14 Speaker 01 I've never.
1:00:14 H. Foley? Freaky deaky.
1:00:15 Speaker 01 I've never heard of.
1:00:17 H. Foley? If you're into Halloween and you like dressing up doing the weird, I'm with it.
1:00:21 Speaker 01 I'm, I get it. I've never heard of that. A Halloween wedding where everybody dresses up?
1:00:26 H. Foley? Jeresh.
1:00:27 Speaker 01 That's dirtbag level.
1:00:29 H. Foley? And he stuck it to him.
1:00:30 Speaker 01 There's also just a guy in a mask. He's saying, I'll just wear the mask, like no real outfit. I'll just do the mask. Got the screen mask on top of it.
1:00:37 H. Foley? Well, my, I'm a guy getting back from work. That's who I am.
1:00:41 Speaker 01 About to be better hors d'oeuvres, eating eyeballs and stuff, olives.
1:00:45 H. Foley? How do you feel?
1:00:46 Speaker 01 It's all spooky food.
1:00:47 H. Foley? How do you feel about that?
1:00:48 Speaker 01 Fuck that.
1:00:50 H. Foley? My buddy makes a meatloaf foot every year.
1:00:52 Speaker 01 That's, I mean, what are we doing? He's got kids? He better have kids. Tell me he's got kids. No? That's fucked up.
1:00:58 H. Foley? With onion toenails.
1:00:59 Speaker 03 Uh, that would be your crew though.
1:01:02 Speaker 01 That is your crew. That's your squad, dude. Your onion toenail crew. That's who you are. That's a weak crew.
1:01:09 H. Foley? Nah, it's delicious.
1:01:13 Speaker 01 Is this buddy at the table?
1:01:16 Speaker 01 Um, I, uh, that's.
1:01:21 H. Foley? I like Halloween cupcakes with the orange icing.
1:01:24 Speaker 01 Yeah, whatever. Yeah.
1:01:25 H. Foley? But I don't get it for all that other goofy shit.
1:01:27 Speaker 01 I remember we had one at our elementary school, like a haunted house in the gym. And I was part of it. They painted like, uh, walls, like fake walls with like cardboard and.
1:01:36 H. Foley? How many kids are just scared?
1:01:37 Speaker 01 With painting, I said a lot. And I got big eye, I had big bug eyes too back then. And I was behind the, behind the painting with my eyes following the people. I mean, these are like five, six year eyes. And I had a spotlight under my eyes freaking them out. I'm a pretty good actor myself.
1:01:52 H. Foley? How old were you?
1:01:52 Speaker 01 Uh, eight, nine.
1:01:54 H. Foley? Wait, why are you doing it to little kids?
1:01:55 Speaker 01 I was working, I was working the goddamn program.
1:01:57 H. Foley? Oh, okay.
1:01:58 Speaker 01 Our teacher said, do you want to do it? You got big bug eyes. I said, listen here, bitch. Yeah, I'll do it.
1:02:06 Speaker 01 But then there was-
1:02:07 H. Foley? Man, talking-
1:02:08 Speaker 01 They had the kitchen too, like the ki- where they had spooky food and man, those olive eyeballs. You had to like, put your hand in there and like, reach for some. I said, "You're fucking out, you're... Gosh darn mine."
1:02:21 H. Foley? Two words, Kit Kat, please.
1:02:26 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:02:26 H. Foley? Oh man.
1:02:27 Speaker 01 I was like, "No fucking-"
1:02:28 H. Foley? That means your teacher thought you were weird looking.
1:02:30 Speaker 01 Sure.
1:02:31 H. Foley? They weren't asking a good look- no, they were asking me to do that.
1:02:33 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
1:02:36 Speaker 01 Sure.
1:02:41 H. Foley? I didn't get picked for double there though.
1:02:43 Speaker 01 Yeah, why's that?
1:02:44 H. Foley? Cause I wasn't-
1:02:45 Speaker 01 You shit in your pants? Hey sir. Sir, I'm pretty sure some-
1:02:49 H. Foley? Call me sir.
1:02:52 H. Foley? That's the ultimate insult, calling a little kid sir.
1:02:55 Speaker 01 Guy walks out, there's a line up, he's got a clipboard. Excuse me.
1:03:05 H. Foley? Calling a little kid sir is great. Excuse me, sir.
1:03:11 Speaker 01 You didn't make it and I'm pretty sure you shit yourself. Pretty sure there's fecal matter in your underwear.
1:03:19 H. Foley? Nah, they didn't pick me, they didn't think I was good looking enough for TV. Fucking bullshit Nickelodeon.
1:03:24 Speaker 01 Yeah, what did they ever go on to do?
1:03:27 Speaker 01 Uh, alright, we gotta wrap it up, holy shit.
1:03:30 H. Foley? Hey, my buddy Steve won the whole thing. He's down here in Florida.
1:03:34 Speaker 01 Making meatloaf toes. Your crew stinks, Steve. Your crew absolutely stinks. And you know it.
1:03:43 H. Foley? I'm sitting in the studio audience like the rest of the losers.
1:03:47 Speaker 01 Fucking shit in my pants.
1:03:50 H. Foley? Gang, do yourself a favor, grab some tickets for that Philly show. December 13th, come out and see us at the Metropolitan Theater. We love you to death and we'll see you next week. Peace.
Previous Funny Marco! Next Pulling Pizza Scams w/ Ryan Sickler Page updated November 1, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated