Bert Kreischer Returns!

Are You Garbage presents comedian and podcast host Bert Kreischer! You know Bert Kreischer from stand up comedy, 2 Bears 1 Cave, Hot Hones, The Joe Rogan Experience, Somethings Burning, Bertcast, This Past Weekend, This is Not Happening, We Might Be Drunk and so much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! AYG 2026 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: HexClad: Find your forever cookware @hexclad and get 10% off at https://hexclad.com/GARBAGE Factor: Head to https://FactorMeals.com/garbage50off and use code garbage50off to get 50% off your first Factor box PLUS free breakfast for 1 year. Shopify: Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at https://shopify.com/garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00H. Foley?

  Oh baby, hey Texas, hey Florida. The boys are coming down to see ya. So grab your tickets, they're the only shows we're gonna be doing in Texas and Florida. So grab some tickets and come see us.

• 0:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, this March, we're gonna be at The Creek in the Cave in Austin, Texas. Uh, tickets are going fast, as well as SideSplitters in Tampa, Florida, baby. Listen, Tampa and Austin, two great, uh, comedy towns. Get those tickets, we'll see you there.

• 0:22H. Foley?

  Yeah. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage?

• 0:48Speaker 01

  Oh yeah.

• 0:49H. Foley?

  It's that little show where we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find enough to group them to be classy.

• 0:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:53H. Foley?

  Except they're just a big ol' piece of trash.

• 0:55Speaker 01

  Trash, trash, trash.

• 0:56H. Foley?

  I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Toody's in a new addition. She's a jury duty.

• 1:02Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:03H. Foley?

  That's all I came up with. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. Probably a little unamused this week. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage. He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world, and I love him. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody.

• 1:19Speaker 01

  What up, gang? Shout out to you. As always, just make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also, full video available over there on Spotify.

• 1:26H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 1:26Speaker 01

  And the boys are in the middle of the charts. Not showing off, we don't wanna be at the top, we don't wanna be at the bottom, right there in the middle. Then, obviously, the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com/areyougarbage. You go over there, you get all that bonus content, gang.

• 1:40H. Foley?

  Yes, sir, and gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly, special guest. Back with us again today. It's been a minute, he's family, we love him, you love him. He's got a brand new series on Netflix right now, Free Burt. Give it up for the one, the only, Mr. Burt Kreischer, everybody.

• 1:56Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 1:56H. Foley?

  There he is.

• 1:57Speaker 02

  Thank you very much. I appreciate you guys doing this.

• 1:59H. Foley?

  There he is.

• 1:59Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 2:00H. Foley?

  Got a nice glow to ya.

• 2:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, I feel good. I also have makeup on.

• 2:03Speaker 01

  That's no kidding.

• 2:04Speaker 02

  A lot of makeup on.

• 2:05Speaker 01

  You look like you live in Boca.

• 2:07H. Foley?

  Look like a dead mobster.

• 2:09Speaker 02

  I did a podcast with Sebastian Maniscalco.

• 2:11H. Foley?

  I know what you're talking about. Why if we do makeup here, why if we do makeup on Tonight Show, why aren't we doing it here?

• 2:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, and I go, I just, I was like, "Your skin looks amazing." He goes, "Are we on, are we on camera?"

• 2:22H. Foley?

  Camera?

• 2:23Speaker 02

  I loved.

• 2:24Speaker 01

  You don't think he showed up the next day and was like, "We should have a makeup department"? He saw that clip and was like, already fitting up.

• 2:29H. Foley?

  I have a self-tanner at home. I was just too scared to use it because I didn't know how dark it was gonna be.

• 2:33Speaker 02

  Back in the day, if you wore makeup to a podcast, you'd get destroyed.

• 2:38Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 2:39Speaker 02

  And now, if you're not wearing makeup, they're gonna destroy your skin.

• 2:42Speaker 01

  Sure, which we're okay, I'm okay, I mean, I'm okay, I'm not.

• 2:45Speaker 02

  I, I was like, I was like, all the comments were like, "Look how fucking red his face is. Look at the, he's gonna die." And then I was just like, "I don't want to hear that ever again." But this is from CBS and this is from.

• 2:56Speaker 01

  Looks good though.

• 2:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, thank you. Hey, when does this come out?

• 3:02H. Foley?

  They cloned Burt.

• 3:03Speaker 01

  Uh, tomorrow.

• 3:04Speaker 02

  Okay, cool. I won't say anything.

• 3:06Speaker 01

  About what?

• 3:06Speaker 02

  About what I did.

• 3:07H. Foley?

  What, do you know what's coming? What's going on? Who got to you?

• 3:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't know. This guy's screwballs though, for sure. He came in squirrely. He's got loafers on. I typically don't see the guy with his shirt on.

• 3:17H. Foley?

  Talking to somebody over there at CBS News.

• 3:19Speaker 02

  I've changed.

• 3:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:22Speaker 01

  All this Netflix series went to his head.

• 3:24H. Foley?

  Congrats, buddy.

• 3:25Speaker 02

  Thank you, thank you guys. Thank you.

• 3:27Speaker 01

  I do want to say, there are moments in it, like certain, just like, written in the script where I was just like, "That is precisely how Burt would handle it." I've seen Burt handle situations this way. It's so on point.

• 3:39Speaker 02

  Oh, thank you, thank you, yeah. The, the, the little girls are the stars, apparently.

• 3:43Speaker 01

  They're great.

• 3:44Speaker 02

  That's who everyone's kind of drawn to. I think the three evil dudes are my favorite characters in the world.

• 3:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, the.

• 3:51H. Foley?

  You have Cousin Brian on the show.

• 3:52Speaker 02

  Who?

• 3:52H. Foley?

  Cousin Brian.

• 3:55Speaker 01

  He only talks in Sopranos references.

• 3:57Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He told, he would tell me great, uh, uh.

• 4:02H. Foley?

  Does he still see Carmella?

• 4:03Speaker 02

  He'd tell me great James Gandolfini stories.

• 4:06H. Foley?

  Ah, I bet.

• 4:06Speaker 02

  They, him and James Gandolfini had to do, he should tell the bit, I suppose, of me just sharing his. But he had a great story about them, uh, not getting drunk, but getting, doing a drunk scene that was fucking hysterical.

• 4:18H. Foley?

  That's awesome.

• 4:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's great. I, I loved everyone I worked with. I had, so, and it wasn't like, you know, it's not like Tires where they all grew up together. It's like a bunch of people that you meet, you hire.

• 4:28H. Foley?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 4:29Speaker 02

  And it was like fucking funny shit, man.

• 4:32H. Foley?

  Yeah, it was awesome, it was great. I loved it.

• 4:33Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 4:33H. Foley?

  I had a blast. Me and my wife crushed it.

• 4:35Speaker 02

  Oh, thank you.

• 4:36H. Foley?

  But that's neither here nor there. Yeah. It's been a minute. It's been a while. It's been a while. You're well documented trash. Dirtbag. Florida trash.

• 4:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:46H. Foley?

  Bathing in the pool. Picking your nose. Eating it. Fingernail situation.

• 4:51Speaker 02

  Under the table.

• 4:52H. Foley?

  Among other things. You just told us you have blood clots?

• 4:55Speaker 02

  I have boomba clots.

• 4:58H. Foley?

  Chet Hanks? Chet Hanks is your doctor?

• 5:00Speaker 02

  It's a white boy summer.

• 5:02H. Foley?

  This season two is gonna be weird.

• 5:03Speaker 02

  It's a white boy summer, everybody. Do you remember, did you ever see the video of him getting beaten up with a pan by his black girlfriend?

• 5:09H. Foley?

  No. Oh, I think so, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 5:12Speaker 02

  He's on live like, "That's it, I called the cops!" And all the accent's gone. It's Chet that Tom raised. Tom and Rita, "That's it, I called the cops."

• 5:20H. Foley?

  I'm suing you!

• 5:21Speaker 02

  "The police are coming! All the black people get out of my house!"

• 5:25H. Foley?

  I've been hit with a, uh, with a frying pan before. My mom threw a pot at my head when I was a kid.

• 5:29Speaker 02

  For real?

• 5:30H. Foley?

  Yeah, I had it coming.

• 5:32Speaker 02

  What did you do?

• 5:33H. Foley?

  I can't remember. I did something. I was a real bastard.

• 5:35Speaker 02

  I'm waiting for the pasta, ma!

• 5:39H. Foley?

  Yeah, caught me in the back of the head. I had to get a couple of stitches. I held it over her head for months.

• 5:43Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 5:44H. Foley?

  Couple of G.I. Joes out of it.

• 5:46Speaker 02

  Is that what you call hand jobs?

• 5:49H. Foley?

  From the neighborhood. She used to use palm olive.

• 5:52Speaker 02

  I found out that showering in the pool is not good for your skin.

• 5:56H. Foley?

  You think?

• 5:57Speaker 02

  What, what you gotta do is you gotta rinse off.

• 5:59H. Foley?

  You got three coats of makeup on right now.

• 6:00Speaker 02

  Yeah. Oh, you have no idea the pimples that are just sitting right under this.

• 6:04Speaker 01

  I can kinda see them.

• 6:05Speaker 02

  Can you see them?

• 6:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't wanna say. I'm right next to you.

• 6:07Speaker 02

  This side's bad too.

• 6:09Speaker 01

  Well, also I watch your Instagram, I mean, you do your Instagram stories, there's not makeup in them things.

• 6:13H. Foley?

  You look like a cyborg, Bert Kreischer.

• 6:14Speaker 02

  I got, I got, I got late, late, uh, late, what is it? Late, uh, rosacea. Like, I never had rosacea in my life, and then I started getting rosacea, and man, dude, I've, I've had pimples that I put a, one of those pimple patches on, and just, it's a hole, it's a crater in your face. It's, and I've never had acne in my entire life.

• 6:35H. Foley?

  You didn't get pimples as a kid?

• 6:36Speaker 02

  Not once.

• 6:37H. Foley?

  But when you got one as a kid, did you use to destroy it? Cause I did that. I didn't get them bad, but when I got one, I went to town on it.

• 6:43Speaker 02

  On my chin. I've had, I've had enough pimples that I can tell you three great pimple stories.

• 6:49H. Foley?

  Okay.

• 6:50Speaker 02

  Okay, first one.

• 6:51Speaker 01

  The only man in the world that can say that, and mean it, and be right.

• 6:55Speaker 02

  Uh, I'm listening to, uh, I'm in the back of my mom's station wagon, we're driving, driving to school. I have a mirror between my legs, and I'm trying to pop a pimple on my chin, and the song playing is, "I'm in the middle of the sky, I'm in the sky, that's the way to go, when they die."

• 7:10H. Foley?

  I'm spirit in the sky.

• 7:14Speaker 01

  I'm like, dude, we're gonna have to fake that we know this song.

• 7:17H. Foley?

  Oh, yeah.

• 7:20Speaker 02

  And I'm, it's before I knew that pimples popped, right? And I'm squeezing this lump on my chin, and I just see squirt under the mirror, and I go, it was one of the best pimples ever, okay? Number two, I'm in college, I have one of those lumps on my nose, where, where it hurts on the inside, the pimples on the inside.

• 7:39Speaker 01

  Those are good.

• 7:39Speaker 02

  But it starts showing up on the outside.

• 7:42Speaker 01

  You got an In-N-Outy?

• 7:43Speaker 02

  It's on, it's right on the outside, so I'm drunk, I go into my bathroom, and I decide to just squeeze from the inside and see if I can pop it out, and just, zink, a hair shoots out. Soink, squirts out onto the mirror, hair on the mirror, pimple on the mirror, shut the fuck up.

• 8:02H. Foley?

  I swear to God, I didn't know you were gonna say that. That's exactly what happened to me. And it was so cool how it came out like that, an ingrown hair. And then I just pulled it out and it was the most satisfying thing ever.

• 8:12Speaker 01

  Welcome back, ladies.

• 8:16Speaker 02

  It's almost like if Ice was extracting people from Mexico and bringing them in.

• 8:20H. Foley?

  Wait, what?

• 8:21Speaker 02

  I don't know. It comes from the other side. Anyway, third pimple, third pimple, third pimple, I'm headlining.

• 8:27Speaker 01

  I told you the first two stories to tell you the third story.

• 8:30Speaker 02

  I tell you the, yeah. Fucking sucks.

• 8:34Speaker 01

  What?

• 8:35Speaker 02

  Nothing. So, uh, third story. I'm at Sacramento, Laugh's Unlimited, and I have a lump on my cheek. Right here, right here. It's so bad. And I had a goatee.

• 8:48Speaker 01

  Beard or no, okay.

• 8:49Speaker 02

  I had a goatee at the time, and it's right on the line of the goatee, and it looks like I have a dip in. It's so bad.

• 8:55Speaker 01

  It's abscess.

• 8:56Speaker 02

  And it's getting bigger and bigger, and I go, it's gotta be an ingrown hair. It's gotta be an ingrown hair. So I'm working on it all week. I'm pulling hairs around it all week. Sunday, I get in the shower, a hot shower. I'm not, I've given up on this pimple. I get to the mirror out of the shower, I wipe off the fog, and I just go like this, and it explodes, like it rips my skin open, and just pours out of my face, and four hairs come out with it, and I went, oh, those are my three pimples.

• 9:24Speaker 01

  Now, when it gets on the mirror, like if you're doing it, it gets on the mirror, do you get a paper towel and wipe it, or you just do your hand?

• 9:31Speaker 02

  I leave it.

• 9:32Speaker 01

  You leave it?

• 9:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:33H. Foley?

  What do you clean up these days? Now, listen.

• 9:36Speaker 01

  Not the mirror.

• 9:37H. Foley?

  I'm saying this, you've earned everything you have.

• 9:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, thank you.

• 9:41H. Foley?

  Do well.

• 9:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:43H. Foley?

  What do you clean up these days?

• 9:45Speaker 01

  Take the trash out?

• 9:47H. Foley?

  Take the trash out?

• 9:48Speaker 02

  Nope.

• 9:48Speaker 01

  Leanne does that?

• 9:49Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 9:50H. Foley?

  What about the dishwasher?

• 9:51Speaker 02

  She brings it in, too.

• 9:52H. Foley?

  What do you mean, brings it in?

• 9:53Speaker 02

  I don't live there. I'm never there. Gone for 25 days straight, the bitch does her own house. If I'm with her and we pull up, she goes, "I'm gonna pull in the garbage." What I'll do is I go, "Sure." And then what I'll do is I'll pull them into the gate, like just to keep the gate open. And then I'll bring them off the road into the gate and then she'll bring them all in.

• 10:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:11Speaker 02

  Okay, uh, keep going. Dishes?

• 10:12Speaker 01

  Well, you drive, listen, cause I've, I've, I've got a house in the suburbs, so this is, I'm learning how to be suburban.

• 10:17Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 10:18Speaker 01

  Will you leave them there if you're, say they're there and you pull up, it's just you in the car? You're leaving them there? Yeah, you are. Okay.

• 10:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. Steal my garbage cans.

• 10:28H. Foley?

  I wanted to-

• 10:29Speaker 01

  I don't think people are stealing them.

• 10:30H. Foley?

  I wanted to ask you this. Dishwasher's done, it's clean, it's done.

• 10:34Speaker 02

  It's done.

• 10:35H. Foley?

  Clean dishes in there.

• 10:36Speaker 02

  Then it's done.

• 10:38H. Foley?

  You have a dish, will you have a problem putting that di- dirty dish into the clean dishwasher and running it again?

• 10:45Speaker 01

  Like instead of emptying the last few things out, you know what I mean?

• 10:48Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no. I, first of all, I'm not gonna empty the dishwasher.

• 10:51H. Foley?

  You're just gonna put, of course.

• 10:52Speaker 02

  I don't know where the dishes go.

• 10:53Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 10:53Speaker 02

  And so I will put it into the sink.

• 10:55Speaker 01

  Start with the cabinets.

• 10:55Speaker 02

  I'll just put it in the sink. Uh, yeah, but I, but I don't wanna fuck it up, so.

• 10:58H. Foley?

  But you cook and stuff like that.

• 10:59Speaker 02

  I cook, yeah.

• 11:00H. Foley?

  So you got, you know where everything is.

• 11:01Speaker 02

  I cook, she cleans.

• 11:02Speaker 01

  Really?

• 11:03Speaker 02

  It's our, it's always been our deal. I cook, she cleans.

• 11:06H. Foley?

  But you know where, you know where to grab like a-

• 11:08Speaker 02

  I can find stuff, but I'm not gonna start putting stuff away because-

• 11:10Speaker 01

  That's a good point.

• 11:11Speaker 02

  When we get into the weeds of stuff of like, of like Tupperware stuff or like-

• 11:14Speaker 01

  Where's the vegetable peeler go?

• 11:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm not gonna, I don't know where that shit goes. And so, uh, I cook, it's always been our thing. I cook, she cleans. I'll clean up, I'll help her clean up like trash on the things, but as far as dishes, Leanne's always been a- Leanne's the kind of person that she goes to your house and eats dinner, she does your dishes.

• 11:31Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 11:31Speaker 02

  So I don't wanna take that away from her.

• 11:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, right, that's, I don't wanna steal her joy, obviously.

• 11:36Speaker 02

  I don't, I don't really clean-

• 11:37H. Foley?

  I left some pimple juice on the mirror for you, hon.

• 11:39Speaker 01

  I know how much you love cleaning.

• 11:41Speaker 02

  I will clean, uh, I'll clean up my gym, like I'll organize my gym, um, I'll, I'll clean my, I, I have my own bedroom now. So like Leanne and I split bedrooms. So like it's a sleep divorce. She wasn't sleeping well and I didn't notice, cause I was snoring.

• 11:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, I've, I've, I've experienced in the same thing.

• 12:00Speaker 02

  And so we got our own bedrooms. She has the real bedroom and then I took our guest bedroom and turned it into my bedroom.

• 12:05Speaker 01

  You got a fridge in there?

• 12:07Speaker 02

  No.

• 12:08Speaker 01

  Posters?

• 12:08Speaker 02

  I'm getting one.

• 12:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:10Speaker 02

  Full size?

• 12:11Speaker 01

  No, little guy.

• 12:11Speaker 02

  No, I'm getting a little guy.

• 12:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:13Speaker 02

  I got.

• 12:13Speaker 01

  You got the ice maker in here?

• 12:14Speaker 02

  I did it, I did it my way. I took the windows and I blacked them out. I murdered them out, right? I took, um, I have the AC cranked down to sixty-five. I have it so dark in there.

• 12:26Speaker 01

  Wait, you got a, you got a, you got a thing in the room?

• 12:28Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. I get my, my control that side.

• 12:30Speaker 01

  At a hotel?

• 12:31Speaker 02

  It's like my tour bus, dude. It's pitch black and it is amazing.

• 12:34H. Foley?

  King size bed?

• 12:35Speaker 02

  Uh, queen size. I'm getting a king size. I'm, I just, we just moved.

• 12:38Speaker 01

  Sounds like you're graduating college. I'm saving up for a king.

• 12:42Speaker 02

  And then what I did is.

• 12:43H. Foley?

  Cutting some grass this summer.

• 12:44Speaker 02

  I took, I took folding tables and I put them on all the walls so I could just put my stuff down.

• 12:48Speaker 01

  I like that.

• 12:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't understand.

• 12:50H. Foley?

  So it's all out for you?

• 12:51Speaker 02

  It's all out. It's, I can see it. I get my suitcase, cause I only live out of suitcase, really. I bring my suitcase, I open it up, I ump.

• 12:57Speaker 01

  Like you're going through TSA.

• 12:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

• 13:00Speaker 01

  You got everything in bins and shit?

• 13:02Speaker 02

  And LeAnn's room is like, she, she don't, when she sleeps, she doesn't even mess up the covers.

• 13:06Speaker 01

  Do you call it, Le, you, do you, and if you're talking, cause I have this in, I have this in the burbs, like, I sleep in the guest room due to snoring.

• 13:13Speaker 02

  Okay, so you're doing it too?

• 13:15Speaker 01

  I'm not set up in there.

• 13:16Speaker 02

  Just hang on.

• 13:16Speaker 01

  I, it's just out of like, I, I would come home drunk or have some beers is when it's worse. I'd be like.

• 13:23Speaker 02

  Just commit, just commit. Commit and turn it into your room and you'll never be happier.

• 13:27Speaker 01

  But now, do you, okay.

• 13:29Speaker 02

  I got, I got, I got a sign order that says no fat chicks allowed.

• 13:33Speaker 01

  Only fat dudes.

• 13:35Speaker 02

  Only fat dudes.

• 13:36H. Foley?

  Couple of sticks posters in it.

• 13:37Speaker 02

  Dude, it's fucking incredible.

• 13:39Speaker 01

  Now, when you refer to the one, what was once both of your rooms as our room, or do you say, it's in your room, I'm go, like, my, my, my phone's in my room?

• 13:49Speaker 02

  That's LeAnn's bedroom.

• 13:50Speaker 01

  That's LeAnn's bedroom.

• 13:51Speaker 02

  That's LeAnn's bedroom. The cats go in there. I don't fucking let a cat in my room. Not a fucking pig.

• 13:56Speaker 01

  What?

• 13:57Speaker 02

  I don't let cats in my goddamn room. Nothing goes in my room. I go in my room, that's it.

• 14:01Speaker 01

  What are you, superstitious? What are you, a gypsy?

• 14:03Speaker 02

  No, I'm allergic to cats.

• 14:04Speaker 01

  Oh, you are not?

• 14:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm, I'm a hardcore, I love having my own room. You should commit. I swear to God. You'll be so much happier.

• 14:11H. Foley?

  I thought you said you should come over and hang out.

• 14:13Speaker 02

  You wanna come to my room?

• 14:14Speaker 01

  She doesn't even fucking come over. It's awesome.

• 14:16Speaker 02

  Hey, Mr. Crasher. Come in here, we can smoke cigarettes in here.

• 14:18Speaker 01

  You're in there being like, we can turn the, we can turn the air down as much as we want.

• 14:21H. Foley?

  Do you have a TV in there?

• 14:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, but I don't use it. Uh, VR, uh, virtual headsets.

• 14:26Speaker 01

  Okay. Oh, my God, dude. You're like stepbrothers.

• 14:29H. Foley?

  You're like a kid that pushes the sleepover too hard.

• 14:31Speaker 01

  Did you ever see Blank Check? The movie? Ah, it's two, you two, yeah.

• 14:34Speaker 02

  No, I read the book.

• 14:36H. Foley?

  Wait, so I walk into your room, you're laying there with the headset on, watching TV?

• 14:40Speaker 01

  All your stuff's on a folding table?

• 14:42Speaker 02

  I don't know if I'm watching TV, but y'all got the headsets on.

• 14:46Speaker 02

  I'm fucking sucking and fucking.

• 14:49Speaker 02

  I'm into the Corona Arts, drinking coffee. I got, man, I got the life. When she was gone for the week, I don't think I left my room once. I lived, I stayed in my room. I was like, why do I, because I can't have coffee on blood thinners? So I was like, why am I getting up out of bed? Why not just take a Benadryl and go back to sleep?

• 15:05Speaker 01

  Man, this guy, that's good for blood thin- this guy's got it figured out.

• 15:09Speaker 02

  Dude, VR goggles are the shit. Have you had a pair?

• 15:13Speaker 01

  No.

• 15:14Speaker 02

  You get some for your room.

• 15:16Speaker 01

  Hey, you're telling me I'm working to achieve all this stuff that you've achieved and it just ends in, it ends in a room by myself on Benadryl and folding tables? I'm fucking breaking my fucking stones to do what you've done, following your footsteps, and it ends in separate rooms? And going, yeah, my life's awesome, I can't have coffee no more?

• 15:34Speaker 02

  I have knives, I have axes, I have my gun. I have so many weapons in there.

• 15:38Speaker 01

  You're seventeen.

• 15:39Speaker 02

  I'm like, I'm a child. Dude, it's so great when you get your own room.

• 15:45Speaker 02

  If you called me, so what was happening was, Leanne's, like, we'd wake up and I go, God, I got a ninety-eight in my sleep score. Because also, I drink waters throughout the night, and then as I take the water, I throw it in the air and just let it like land wherever it is.

• 15:59H. Foley?

  The bottle?

• 16:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, can. I drink liquid dust. And so, it's kind of loud.

• 16:03Speaker 01

  Bleeped out.

• 16:04Speaker 02

  And so, and so, uh, so Leanne would, that would wake her up. I'd get up to pee four times a night. She'd be woken up throughout the night, and she's one of those people, if she wakes up, she can't go back to sleep. So her sleep score was horrible, and then she started sleeping in one of the girls' rooms. And I was like, okay. And then I was sleeping amazing. And then, and I kind of like to listen to a podcast while I sleep.

• 16:26H. Foley?

  I do the same thing.

• 16:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, dude, we should sleep together. Do you want to come into my house and sleep, and we do a sleepover?

• 16:31Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 16:32Speaker 02

  You'd love mine.

• 16:32Speaker 01

  We've had sleepovers on the bus, we sleep, we sleep, you know.

• 16:34H. Foley?

  I tell, did I tell everybody?

• 16:36Speaker 02

  How great.

• 16:37Speaker 01

  It's great. Yeah, we love it.

• 16:39H. Foley?

  I tell everybody some of my best night sleeps, and I swear to God this is true, is the first time that we went out with you before you got the bedroom in the back, it was me and you up front and you slept next to me.

• 16:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:47H. Foley?

  I slept like a baby.

• 16:48Speaker 02

  It's

• 16:48H. Foley?

  It was like having a grizzly bear sleeping next to you.

• 16:50Speaker 02

  I would say that if there's, if there's any guys like listening, like a group of guys thinking about doing a bachelor party, it's a, it's a little bit of a spend, but don't get a hotel room. Do like a three-city tour of like just bars and strip clubs that you want to go to and get a tour bus.

• 17:05H. Foley?

  That's not a bad idea.

• 17:06Speaker 02

  It's a great idea and just get all bunks. You guys all sleep in bunks. You're gonna laugh. First of all, you're gonna drink until you guys pass out.

• 17:13Speaker 01

  It's a good time.

• 17:14Speaker 02

  And it's a great time. And then you're gonna get on the bus, you're gonna laugh in the bunks hysterically. And the best part is when you wake up in the morning. I think, what was the video? We had someone go viral during our video, like someone got like in trouble and like you curtain, you're thinking like, have you heard the thing about dot, dot, dot? And my curtain goes up and then I get on my phone and we're like, oh, it's in your inbox. It's in the group chat.

• 17:33Speaker 01

  It's in the group chat.

• 17:34Speaker 02

  But it's, it's the funnest thing you can do and you and all your boys will have a blast. And by the way, if you, if you have like, because you can sleep like, what, three, three, three, three. You can sleep 12 on a bus. You can have 12 dudes.

• 17:46Speaker 01

  They're coffin though.

• 17:47Speaker 02

  That's coffins. You don't want coffins. I go, I go condo and go two, two, eight. And so it's gonna be so much fun.

• 17:55H. Foley?

  It's a good night's sleep.

• 17:55Speaker 02

  When I, the thing that, the thing that Leanne sold me on, because I, I sleep, I sleep better on the bus than I sleep anywhere in the world. But my bus is my happiest place in the world.

• 18:03H. Foley?

  Care about something about Hexclad, baby?

• 18:05Speaker 01

  Shout out to Hexclad.

• 18:07H. Foley?

  Listen up, fellas. If you're making a new year's resolution this year, there's a good chance to start in the kitchen. You want to eat a little healthier. You want to start cutting back on delivery? Because you're wasting a lot of money on that crap. Do yourself a paper, get a nice set of pans like Hexclad.

• 18:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, a nice set of pans will keep you in the kitchen. I bought Hex, I bought a whole set of Hexclad before they were a sponsor.

• 18:25H. Foley?

  Sucker.

• 18:25Speaker 01

  I, I know. I cannot. Stress how much these pans have changed. The stress dude.

• 18:33H. Foley?

  Cooking a lot.

• 18:33Speaker 01

  You can't get eggs to stick on these things if you try, baby. They're flipping, they're flopping, they're sliding. You feel, I am a bozo when it comes to cooking. I'm trying to spend more, I'm trying to cook more. It makes you enjoy it, right? Because it's, it takes out the stress.

• 18:49H. Foley?

  Quality pan.

• 18:50Speaker 01

  Makes you like, make less mistakes. Mistakes I used to make, I don't make anymore. I'm not burning it, I'm searing it, the whole thing. Uh, it's dishwasher safe, super easy to clean, which is also, I'll wipe, sometimes I don't even use water. I just wipe it down, throw it back in a pot. Don't tell them I wiped that, you know? Uh, it's oven safe up to 900 degrees. Uh, the stainless steel handles stay cool, so you're not grabbing a scorching hot pan every time you cook, baby. Uh, and here's the turkey, new year, new you, new cookware. For a limited time, our listeners get 10% off your order, uh, with our exclusive link. Just head to hexclad.com/garbage. Support our show and tell them, uh, the boys sent you at hexclad.com/garbage. Make sure to let them know we sent you. Bone up at the, let's eat with Hexclad's revolutionary cookware, though.

• 19:32H. Foley?

  Kim, let's talk about Factor.

• 19:33Speaker 01

  Shout out to Factor.

• 19:34H. Foley?

  Let's talk about Factor, number one ready to eat meal kit in the United States of America. Let's go, it comes ready to go, two minutes in the microwave, fresh, never frozen, nutritious, delicious, Factor.

• 19:48Speaker 01

  Yes, uh, as two gentlemen who have struggled with their weight for many, many, many years. The big thing for me is being able to make the right decision. I am programmed to make the wrong decision every single time. Make the right decision, this makes it easier to make the right decision. That's how my brain works. I go, I got these at the house.

• 20:06H. Foley?

  Factor.

• 20:06Speaker 01

  I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna stop and get pizza on the walk home, cuz I got the shredded chicken Taco Bell waiting at the house. It'll be ready in two, three minutes.

• 20:14H. Foley?

  Yes.

• 20:14Speaker 01

  Boom, bada bing, little DC, how you doing? It makes it easier to make the right decision. I cannot stress that enough.

• 20:21H. Foley?

  Which that is, the factor.

• 20:23Speaker 01

  That is the determining factor.

• 20:25H. Foley?

  Yes. That's pretty good.

• 20:28Speaker 01

  Always fresh, never frozen, as the big man said. Head to factormeals.com/garbage50off and use the code garbage50off to get 50% off your first Factor box, plus free breakfast for a year. Hachimachi. Offers only valid for new Factor customers with the code and qualify and auto-renewing subscription purchase. Make it healthier eating easy with Factor. Do it. Yeah. I watched you, dude, I forget what it was. You like took medicine or something like you were like, and I was just like, oh, it hit me. I'm like, oh, this is just like his, a second home. This is his home.

• 20:59Speaker 02

  Yeah. Oh, it's my home. I would never, uh, some rock star wanted to rent it from me for his tour, for him and his family. I was like, no.

• 21:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:08Speaker 02

  He was like, what do you mean? I said, I'm not, I'm not cleaning my stuff. All my stuff is like very strategically placed, like little flashlights and like everything, lube, everything's strategically placed. And so I don't want to change my life for you. I got medicine, I got like extra medicine floating around, so.

• 21:23Speaker 01

  I know, that's what I saw, that's what it was. I was like, oh, you had it like in the bathroom and like outside and I went, oh, yeah.

• 21:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, so it's like if you drop a pill one time, you go, you know what? I'm gonna end up needing a little sartain one time, I'm gonna put it back here, keep on to it. So like, and so what was happening is I was, one night, we were driving home from a party and I said to Leanne, she goes, ugh, you've been drinking, this is gonna be a long night. And I had a cigar. And I was like, just drop me off at the tour bus. And she was like, what? I said, I'll sleep on the tour bus tonight. She was like, no, I want to sleep with you. And I went, but yeah, but you'll sleep better. And then that was the night that she came to me the next day, she was like, hey, what if we got you your own room? And I was like, I got really kind of, it sounds crazy.

• 22:02Speaker 01

  You're working really hard in school, you're doing all your chores.

• 22:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:05Speaker 01

  What if, what do you say we get you your own room?

• 22:06Speaker 02

  And then she was, she was like, she was like, listen, and she sold it to me. And I said, let me try it. And I slept in there the first night, slept good, but it was a little light. The next day she came in, this is Leanne's one in her room, you could tell. She was like, we'll murder out the curtains. So then we took, we took cardboard and that was the exact size.

• 22:25Speaker 01

  That's not like the Beverly Hills.

• 22:26Speaker 02

  Covered up the windows so you can't see anything. I mean, you turn the light off and it is like, it is like, you can't see your hand.

• 22:33Speaker 01

  Is that still the application? Do you have cardboard on your windows of the house I've been to?

• 22:38Speaker 02

  Yeah. That's what people who smoke meth do. Oh, I was gonna put tin foil up.

• 22:42H. Foley?

  Tin foil?

• 22:43Speaker 02

  When I was in Serbia, I put tin foil all over all my windows so I could sleep. Cause you get off, you get shoot until four in the morning and then you're, you know. Yeah. And so I did that and the cops showed up and they were asking, they thought I was selling, making drugs. Yeah, that's what. Yeah. I didn't know that, I didn't know that. That or the government's trying to steal my thoughts. I just thought that's so that, that's how you slept. So I was gonna put tin foil up and the aunt's like, come on. So one Sunday. You're putting the wrong emphasis on the tin foil. Tin foil, is that not how you say it?

• 23:07H. Foley?

  Tin foil.

• 23:08Speaker 01

  Tin foil.

• 23:08Speaker 02

  Tin foil.

• 23:09H. Foley?

  What?

• 23:10Speaker 02

  Am I saying it wrong?

• 23:11H. Foley?

  It's a guy.

• 23:11Speaker 02

  No.

• 23:12H. Foley?

  Tin foil.

• 23:13Speaker 02

  You know, my buddy, tin foil. Wait, do I really say that fucked up?

• 23:16H. Foley?

  Hold on, ready?

• 23:16Speaker 02

  Tin foil. Tin, tin foil, tin foil.

• 23:19H. Foley?

  Tin foil.

• 23:20Speaker 02

  Tin, tin foil.

• 23:21H. Foley?

  Stop.

• 23:22Speaker 02

  I'm not, by the way, now, no, hold on. I say, I say, I say some words wrong on purpose, like tattoo. I do that on purpose. You're doing that, yeah, you know that a little bit with the tin foil. No, I'm not on purpose, I'm saying, I'm saying the emphasis, tin foil. Ben Affleck, I do that for. Sure. Ben Affleck, I love his brother Casey Affleck. Like, that's my favorite one to do is go, I love Ben Affleck. His brother Casey Affleck, Affleck, I, now I have a hard time doing it, but it's fun to say it in a way differently. Say 50% of your card, sure. If you, if you do it, if you do it enough, you'll start saying it that way for real. Isn't it crazy? Yeah.

• 23:53H. Foley?

  But tin foil, you're saying that.

• 23:55Speaker 02

  Tin foil.

• 23:56H. Foley?

  Tin foil.

• 23:56Speaker 02

  Tin foil. That's not right. You know the one that I really do bad and I never was Nightmare?

• 24:02H. Foley?

  Cause what?

• 24:02Speaker 02

  Nightmare. And I did it.

• 24:04H. Foley?

  Which is what he had in his room when he was by himself the first night.

• 24:07Speaker 02

  Wrapped in tin foil. I did a show. He sleeps like a schizophrenic. No furniture.

• 24:13Speaker 01

  Throwing bottles of water everywhere.

• 24:14Speaker 02

  I like to see all my belongings. It's so good, it's so good. Uh, I, I did a show with Cody Rhodes and his nickname's The American Nightmare. And I introduced him like that, The American Nightmare, for two seasons. And he thought I was fucking with him the whole time. And I was like, and then he goes, wait, that's how you say it? Nightmare. Nightmare, nightmare, nightmare. You say pillow or pillow? Pillow. I'm not a fucking lunatic.

• 24:37H. Foley?

  What's the, uh, the pie that, that people, that people have?

• 24:40Speaker 02

  Pumpkin.

• 24:43Speaker 01

  If that's not, if that's not a glimpse into how your brain works, he's going, I don't want to say I don't know. So I'm just gonna fucking guess a popular kind of pie. That's why I love you, dude. You, I saw it in your eyes, go, I can't miss this. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

• 25:00Speaker 02

  Swung so hard.

• 25:04Speaker 01

  Pumpkin, obviously.

• 25:05Speaker 02

  It's the one that has, has nuts on top. Oh, pecan. Is that what you say? Pecan. I don't know now.

• 25:11Speaker 01

  I don't know now. I don't know now.

• 25:13Speaker 02

  I don't know now. Pecan.

• 25:15Speaker 01

  I say pecan, I think.

• 25:16Speaker 02

  Pecan.

• 25:17Speaker 01

  Is it radiator or radiator?

• 25:18Speaker 02

  Radiator.

• 25:19Speaker 01

  Radiator.

• 25:19Speaker 02

  Raccoon.

• 25:20Speaker 01

  Oh, that's not right.

• 25:21Speaker 02

  What?

• 25:21Speaker 01

  I think we gotta beep it.

• 25:27Speaker 02

  Raccoon. I say raccoon.

• 25:29Speaker 01

  Okay, okay. No, no, no, no, you don't. And we're back.

• 25:34Speaker 02

  How do you say Asian?

• 25:36Speaker 01

  Ayak!

• 25:40Speaker 01

  This has to go on Patreon.

• 25:42Speaker 02

  What's crazy is I misspelled Asian.

• 25:45Speaker 01

  How? It's like three letters.

• 25:47Speaker 02

  It's more than three.

• 25:49Speaker 01

  Oh, I'm spelling it wrong, too.

• 25:50Speaker 02

  It's five. Asia? No, it's four. Asian. Oh, Asian. So I did, I wanted to- We're not really talking about this? I wanted to get a burner account one time on Twitter. So I was like, Rogan sent me- Why? Because I'm not on Twitter anymore. So I got off Twitter. I have one, but I don't post. Someone posted for me.

• 26:08Speaker 01

  So who have I been talking to?

• 26:12Speaker 02

  About all these nightmares. A bunch of Asians.

• 26:17Speaker 02

  So I go, I get, I was like, I'm gonna get a, Rogan sends me something and I go, I can't open Twitter. I don't have Twitter. And he goes, just get a new account. And I was like, oh, bitch. I'm gonna get a burner account. So I get a burner account. Per Kreischer. Not Per Kreischer? And I signed up and I don't know how this happened, but I was listening to a song by Britney Spears and I thought, I, I was like, oops, I'm back on Twitter. So I was like, oops, I'll do it again. But I misspelled again and it said Asian. And I was like, oh, oops, I did it Asian. That's funny.

• 26:50Speaker 01

  That's funny.

• 26:51Speaker 02

  But I misspelled Asian. So it's ASEAN. And so, and then I went on Rogan and I told him about my burner account and he goes, "You misspelled Asian." Then someone took my real, that burner account, oops, I did it Asian, and started posting as me. And I was like, "Motherfucker, I can't win to lose. Lose to win? What? You know what I mean."

• 27:09H. Foley?

  At this point, I don't know if you should have your own room. I'll be honest with you.

• 27:12Speaker 02

  You guys, if you guys come over for an overnight, you'd love it.

• 27:15Speaker 01

  An overnight?

• 27:15Speaker 02

  Leanne, let's, we stay up as late as I want.

• 27:17Speaker 01

  That's what young children say. Come over for an overnight?

• 27:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, an overnight.

• 27:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 27:22Speaker 02

  It's awesome. I used to sleep in my screening room, but I fucked my back up really bad. Cause it's not a bed, it's just a couch.

• 27:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, I did the couch for a long time.

• 27:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:32H. Foley?

  I like a couch. I love a couch.

• 27:33Speaker 02

  Sweet, how's, how's your, no. So I got one of the lovesacks, is it lovesacks?

• 27:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:39Speaker 02

  Where they're like pods and you put them all together and you sleep, you end up sleeping on like a, like a, a wall.

• 27:44Speaker 01

  I gotta be honest with you, those look like they suck.

• 27:46Speaker 02

  No, they're really great.

• 27:48Speaker 01

  Okay, they are great, you heard that?

• 27:49Speaker 02

  They really are great. They're really great.

• 27:51Speaker 01

  Bert Kreischer.

• 27:52Speaker 02

  But, but you can't, uh, you can't really sleep on them.

• 27:55H. Foley?

  I don't like the fancy couches that don't have a back. It's just like a one, a cylinder pillow that goes.

• 28:01Speaker 01

  This was one Airbnb we stayed at in LA and he had a bad weekend, so let's just leave it at that. I don't think, I don't think, I don't think the couch was, was the worst of his.

• 28:08H. Foley?

  I don't do good in LA, man.

• 28:09Speaker 02

  No.

• 28:11H. Foley?

  Bad news.

• 28:12Speaker 02

  Sweet, how much weight are you down?

• 28:13H. Foley?

  Uh, about 50.

• 28:15Speaker 02

  That feels good, doesn't it?

• 28:16H. Foley?

  Yeah, it feels good.

• 28:17Speaker 02

  And what are you down?

• 28:19Speaker 01

  40.

• 28:19Speaker 02

  You look good. Oh, sorry.

• 28:22Speaker 01

  Take that, fatties.

• 28:24Speaker 02

  No, but it was like.

• 28:24Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 28:25Speaker 02

  You look good. You do, you look slimmer.

• 28:27Speaker 01

  I'm, I'm like, I'm probably 205 right now.

• 28:29Speaker 02

  Good God.

• 28:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:30Speaker 02

  What, is your wife sleeping well?

• 28:32Speaker 01

  My bones are hollow, but.

• 28:33Speaker 02

  Is your wife sleeping well?

• 28:34Speaker 01

  My wife's asleep, yeah. Well, we have a baby as well, so that's tougher, but that even got it more of like, well, who is ever kind of doing the night? We sleep in opposite rooms because it's like, if you're not doing the night, get a fucking.

• 28:44Speaker 02

  Wait, can I ask you about that? Cause I was like, I was, I'm gonna see Mark Norman tomorrow.

• 28:48Speaker 01

  Comedy.

• 28:49Speaker 02

  And I wanna know, if you guys are the dad, I was. Cause I was a dad before, like, uh, there were any dads really in comedy?

• 28:57Speaker 01

  Sure, you were a dad younger too, though.

• 28:59Speaker 02

  I was a dad.

• 29:00Speaker 01

  I'm almost, I'm 39.

• 29:01Speaker 02

  Oh yeah, I was 32.

• 29:02Speaker 01

  And he's probably, I mean, but I don't know, Norman's probably 43 or something like that.

• 29:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. So, so. Do you, uh, how often are you home with the, with the family?

• 29:11Speaker 01

  Uh, well, he's seven months and we kinda strategically planned the last tour, so I'd be home for like a good chunk of it, uh, of the early on. And then we went back on the road. You know, some longer runs. I think we did like a two-week run or 10-day, 12-day run.

• 29:24Speaker 02

  But like during the week, if you're in LA, like, or if you're in New York, are you coming in the city to do spots, or you?

• 29:29Speaker 01

  I live in the city, yeah. I have an apartment in the city.

• 29:31Speaker 02

  So then, are you, like, I was, I didn't-

• 29:34H. Foley?

  We didn't do the, like, the traditional headline. You were gone every weekend, right?

• 29:37Speaker 02

  I was gone every weekend. I was gone every single weekend. I'd leave Wednesday, be there Thursday for press, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, come home Monday, do pick-up Monday, 'cause I'd get the early flight. Pick-up Monday, take them to Ralph's. I mean, I had a, I had a schedule.

• 29:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:49Speaker 02

  Take them to Ralph's. We had a nanny for a period of time. LeAnn had a nanny 'cause she was on for Mondays. Because LeAnn worked Mondays and Thursdays and Fridays. So I'd pick up the girls at school with the nanny, 'cause usually I was drunk. And, uh, 'cause I'd fly and drink. And so then we'd go to Ralph's, I'd get food, I'd make food for Monday Night Football, and the nanny would stay. And the nannies were still close with, all those nannies, they were just really cool chicks. And then, uh, they were-

• 30:17Speaker 01

  Did I know you have your own room?

• 30:19Speaker 02

  Beautiful, always beautiful. I mean, I remember LeAnn brought a fat one in.

• 30:25H. Foley?

  Redesigning the door.

• 30:27Speaker 02

  And I was like, yeah. I was like, what are we doing here? She was, I was like, you think you wanna hang out with her?

• 30:31Speaker 01

  You think I wanna hang out with her?

• 30:33Speaker 02

  And then I was like, she was like, that's not what it's about. And I was like, can't you get up and down on the ground with Isla? And she was like-

• 30:37Speaker 01

  Good point.

• 30:37Speaker 02

  She's like, no.

• 30:38Speaker 01

  If there's an emergency, can't you pick her up and run out and, you know?

• 30:42Speaker 02

  So, so, uh-

• 30:43Speaker 01

  Well, my day is like, I woke up today, we were doing here at noon. So like, I had the morning, you know, with my family, and then I'll be home after whatever, eight hours or something.

• 30:53H. Foley?

  I was doing stuff too.

• 30:57H. Foley?

  Breakfast.

• 30:58Speaker 02

  Wait, you're, you're just still raw-dogging it, right?

• 31:00H. Foley?

  Raw-dogging?

• 31:01Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no kids, no.

• 31:02Speaker 01

  Does that mean jerking off in the bathroom?

• 31:05Speaker 02

  I can jerk off wherever I want, my room. No one stops me. I can just jerk off. I don't even need to ask anyone.

• 31:10Speaker 01

  Wait, you were asking before?

• 31:11Speaker 02

  Leanne can, yeah. Hold on, yeah. Hold on.

• 31:14Speaker 01

  Really?

• 31:14Speaker 02

  Hold on. Yes. So I, this is, I can't believe I'm talking about this. So Leanne would say-

• 31:20Speaker 01

  First of all, nothing's ever stopped.

• 31:21Speaker 02

  Nothing's ever stopped. You'd be shocked what I'm talking about on my news tour.

• 31:25Speaker 01

  I'm sure.

• 31:26Speaker 02

  Buddy, I have a joke that's so aggressive. Leanne's like, "I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that."

• 31:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:32Speaker 02

  We, I would say to Leanne, "Hey, uh, do you wanna..." This morning, she'd come into my room to get her stuff-

• 31:40Speaker 01

  "Do you wanna, do you wanna make love?"

• 31:42Speaker 02

  Uh, well, no, I'd ask for just a handoff.

• 31:43Speaker 01

  You wanna jerk me off?

• 31:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, you wanna jerk me off. She'd be like, "I'm not really that into it." And I was like, "You don't need to be into it. It's just your hand." And she'd be like, "Uh, I'm good." And I'm like, "Then is it, um, is it cool if I just do myself?" And she's like, "Yeah, sure."

• 31:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's fine.

• 31:54Speaker 02

  Do you have the VR glasses on when you're asking her this? No, she has, she has no idea what VR life is like. Have you done jerking off in VR?

• 32:01Speaker 01

  No.

• 32:02Speaker 02

  Have you done it?

• 32:03Speaker 01

  No.

• 32:04Speaker 02

  Hold on. I haven't. Okay. I don't have the goggles. Buy them. Okay. Dude, I was in a-

• 32:11Speaker 01

  I'll never leave the house.

• 32:11Speaker 02

  I was in a-

• 32:12Speaker 01

  I know, it's tough enough to get them in here on a Tuesday to begin with.

• 32:15Speaker 02

  You will. You will not leave your house. You, I was in a fivesome and this Airbnb with these five chicks.

• 32:23Speaker 01

  Whoa, wait, wait.

• 32:24Speaker 02

  I was a DJ. On VR goggles.

• 32:27Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 32:28Speaker 02

  And, uh- DJing, huh? Uh, DJ, they didn't wanna lose their Airbnb deposit, so they were like, "Can you help us hang out a little bit?" And then one girl starts sucking my dick, and then they're whispering in your ear like, "You like that pervert." And you're like, and it's in your ear, and you're like, "Oh my God." And then they're like sucking your nipples, and you're looking like this, and then it's crazy. The best is when they make you eat their pussy, and they lift you, lift the girl up and put her pussy right in your face, and you're like, "Uh, uh, uh." It's crazy.

• 32:53Speaker 01

  I normally don't do this, but okay.

• 32:55Speaker 02

  By the time the- I got a set in a half an hour. I was watching orgies just, I was in orgies that I didn't even, I wasn't even jerking off. I was just like, "Might as well. Why not be in an orgy?"

• 33:05Speaker 01

  She's gotta play the hors d'oeuvres or something.

• 33:07Speaker 02

  Just eating. You guys even looking at me?

• 33:11Speaker 01

  Seems like you're getting a lot done over there at Casa de Kreischer.

• 33:14Speaker 02

  Yeah. You guys wanna come over for an overnight? You can.

• 33:16Speaker 01

  I will.

• 33:18Speaker 01

  That reminds me, we went out for Something's Burning and you guys went in to eat and you invited us in and he didn't want, he was, felt weird and didn't want to go. You don't remember that, do you?

• 33:27Speaker 02

  Wait, when was this?

• 33:27Speaker 01

  When we did Something's Burning, or the pod, maybe. Well, we did something.

• 33:31H. Foley?

  Yeah, it was the first, it was the first time we were at the house.

• 33:33Speaker 02

  Oh, at the house house, not the podcast house?

• 33:35Speaker 01

  No, yeah, sorry, at your house, when it was in the weight room.

• 33:38Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, that was, that was.

• 33:39Speaker 01

  And you're like, guys, come in. And he's like, no. So we just sat in the back. And I'm like, dude, this is so much fucking weirder than anything we would do or say at the dinner table. And then they're like, you got.

• 33:50H. Foley?

  Well, not knowing what you're up to now.

• 33:53Speaker 01

  I'd be up in the room. Seven people kept opening the door, like, be like, you sure you don't want to come in? And we were all the way in the middle.

• 33:59H. Foley?

  You guys said you were doing leftover nights. Maybe it was Something's Burning.

• 34:04Speaker 01

  It was Something's Burning because you had everything from that week.

• 34:06H. Foley?

  Yes.

• 34:06Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 34:07Speaker 01

  When you shot around at that house.

• 34:08H. Foley?

  And Leanne set everything up real nice in the, in the center aisle and it was, I didn't want to leave.

• 34:12Speaker 02

  I really love what podcasting created. Like, the whole world it created is so fucking cool.

• 34:19H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 34:19Speaker 01

  It's great. I mean, it's the only reason.

• 34:21H. Foley?

  You two being the best. You make every, very welcome, very cozy.

• 34:24Speaker 02

  Well, I love that. Leanne really leaned into it. Like, when we started doing Something's Burning out of the how, out of my house, she was like, this is great, but we need a different place to do this because people are hanging, like, I remember, Eddie Bravo and Sam Tripoli were like.

• 34:39Speaker 01

  It was someone right before we were just there. Cause I think maybe that's why you didn't want to go inside, because you were like, somebody was here yesterday and just, it just was.

• 34:46Speaker 02

  Oh, it was Something's Burning. We, we did it. I made you guys a.

• 34:50Speaker 01

  Shepherd's pie. And we did haggis.

• 34:51Speaker 02

  Haggis, yes. It was Something's Burning. And Eddie Bravo and Sam Tripoli were then, in before. And Eddie Bravo started talking, or no, they started talking to Isla about conspiracy theories. And we're like, this is the kid that you can't talk about the earth being flat, she'll believe it. And then, and then Eddie got her into Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu that night. And then Leanne, and then we all smoked weed out by the, by the fire pit. And then Leanne goes, hey, we gotta get this out of our house. Like, this is too much for our girls. And then you guys came over the next night. You're like, you guys want to eat dinner with us? And by this, why the girls are dead inside? They're like, get out of here. But, uh, and yeah, but I, I love. I love everything the podcast has brought in my life. It's been so fun.

• 35:27Speaker 01

  Uh, yeah, you know, uh, watching that, like being there that day and then being on tour and stuff with you the handful of times we've done it, being on the cruise. It's like, and I say it to my wife. I'm like, it made me realize that I come up, my, my family owned like a heating and air conditioning like company. It was like a family business and like that was the fam- all kind of motions of the family go to the family business a little bit, you know what I mean? And I was like, oh, Bert, I'm like Bert's family business is podcasting and comedy. And I'm like, we're the same, I like, it was easy to put in a package and said to my wife of like, this is what we're doing. Like we, you know.

• 36:02H. Foley?

  A good amount of the stuff that we do is modeled after our experiences with you.

• 36:05Speaker 02

  No.

• 36:06H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 36:06Speaker 02

  Are you serious?

• 36:07H. Foley?

  Except for the DJ orgies.

• 36:10Speaker 01

  Can I add that to the list?

• 36:11Speaker 02

  You have to get those Oculus. They'll blow your mind.

• 36:12Speaker 01

  No, no.

• 36:13Speaker 02

  It's crazy. My daughter, Georgia, went to an open mic the other night.

• 36:17Speaker 01

  To watch or to perform?

• 36:18Speaker 02

  Uh, she had a friend performing and she went to support and then she called me and she was like, Dad, they were horrible.

• 36:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:24Speaker 02

  But you gotta remember, you know, who she was groomed on was like Joey Diaz, Tommy Gillis, Salvo Con- I mean, she's been groomed around.

• 36:32Speaker 01

  I don't think groom's the word you wanna throw around there, but yeah.

• 36:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, groom's the wrong word.

• 36:36H. Foley?

  You start losing, you're like, it's really hard when you start out first.

• 36:39Speaker 02

  But like, but like, but like she, like Gillis, Gillis was the first, David Tell and Shane Gillis were the first comics that she liked. And so those are your entry level.

• 36:48H. Foley?

  It's a high bar.

• 36:49Speaker 02

  Yeah. And so she went to the soap mic. She was like, Dad, they were horrible. And I was like, really? She's like, yeah. And then she started telling me the joke the guy would tell and then she was like, she could have, I would have gone this way. And I was like, I was like, you sure you don't wanna do stand up?

• 37:02Speaker 01

  Uh oh.

• 37:03Speaker 02

  She's never gonna do stand up. They'll never do stand up.

• 37:06H. Foley?

  Kim, it's like about chime.

• 37:07Speaker 01

  Chime.

• 37:08H. Foley?

  As you know, baby, life comes at you pretty quick.

• 37:10Speaker 01

  You ain't lying, big man.

• 37:11H. Foley?

  Things start adding up.

• 37:12Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 37:13H. Foley?

  You know what I'm saying? I wish I could go back and tell my younger self, if you're gonna do a little banking. Make sure you save your money, make sure you do it right, watch out for bank fees, all that kinda stuff. I'll tell you what I really wish, I could go back and say, "Hey, I wish I had Chime."

• 37:27Speaker 01

  I know. Listen, if you're out there, this is where Chime comes in. Chime is changing the way people bank. It's hard, listen, it's hard enough to keep a buck as it is. Then you got these big corporate banks coming after ya.

• 37:40H. Foley?

  Overdraft fees.

• 37:41Speaker 01

  Overdraft fee, uh, monthly statement, that eh, oh, oh, five dollars for this, ten dollars for that, they got their hand in your pocket. Not with Chime. Chime offers the most rewarding fee-free banking, all with no overdraft fees, no monthly fees, no minimum balances. You get 5% cash back on the Chime card in a category of your choice, like gas or groceries, all while building credit through regular, everyday spending. And if you're ever in a pinch, SpotMe lets you overdraft up to $200 fee-free. Look at that. I know I need that, dog. Uh, right now, you can join the millions that are already banking fee-free with America's number one choice for banking. Head to chime.com/garbage, that's chime.com/garbage. Sign up now, it only takes a few minutes.

• 38:22H. Foley?

  Do it.

• 38:23Speaker 03

  Chime is a fintech, not a bank. Banking services and Chime Card provided by Chime's bank partners. Qualifying direct deposits required. Terms and limits apply. Go to chime.com/disclosures for details.

• 38:35H. Foley?

  Kevin's talking about Shopify.

• 38:36Speaker 01

  Shopify.

• 38:37H. Foley?

  Shout out to all the hustlers out there.

• 38:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:40H. Foley?

  Shout out to all the brick and mortar stores out there.

• 38:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:42H. Foley?

  Could be using Shopify. You know who uses Shopify?

• 38:45Speaker 01

  Who's that?

• 38:46H. Foley?

  We do.

• 38:47Speaker 01

  Oh, are you garbage, uses Shopify?

• 38:50H. Foley?

  You wanna take your game to the next level, do yourself a favor, get on Shopify, the number one, absolutely fantastic way to grow your sales, your orders, and expand your markets, right down the line, baby.

• 39:01Speaker 01

  And take that from national businessman, H. Foley.

• 39:03H. Foley?

  That's right.

• 39:04Speaker 01

  Uh, Shopify gives you everything you need to sell online and in person. Millions of entrepreneurs have already made this leap, from household names to first-time businesses. For business owners just getting started, uh, gives you all the team, all the tools you need to build your store. You can choose from hundreds of beautiful templates. You can customize to match your brand. Listen, if you buy merch from, are you garbage? Well, you are ordering from a Shopify website, baby. That's what we're doing. They got, uh, built in AI tools to write product descriptions, headline, help you edit your product photos. They have built in marketing too. You can create email and social campaigns that reach customers wherever they scroll. And as you grow Shopify will grow with you. You can handle more orders, expand to new markets and do it all from the same day board. In 2026, stop waiting and start selling with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial

• 39:48Speaker 01

  and start selling today at Shopify.com/garbage. Go to Shopify.com/garbage. At Shopify.com/garbage. Here's your first, uh, here's to your first sale of the new year with Shopify by your side. Do it. Sure. Yeah. I mean, I think it's just, it's such a, it's a tough thing to do in the wake of specifically you or anybody, you know?

• 40:09Speaker 02

  I think so.

• 40:09Speaker 01

  Any sort of, even if you've achieved any sort of relative success or fame and stuff.

• 40:14H. Foley?

  I, I wouldn't be doing anything.

• 40:16Speaker 02

  If, if you were them?

• 40:17Speaker 01

  What? He's trying not to do stuff now. I'm like, buddy, we got a plan for retirement.

• 40:21H. Foley?

  Waiting you out. You kidding me?

• 40:24Speaker 02

  The new thing is, the new trend is you give your kid their inheritance while you're alive.

• 40:30H. Foley?

  All right.

• 40:30Speaker 02

  That's the new trend because you lose, you, you get rid of all the-

• 40:33Speaker 01

  Pass it with warm hands.

• 40:35Speaker 02

  You, you tax, all the tax stuff where they get taxed when you die, that, whatever that's called?

• 40:40Speaker 01

  Estate tax.

• 40:40Speaker 02

  Estate tax. You get rid of that. You give them the money and then-

• 40:43Speaker 01

  You have to pay taxes on it if you give it to them.

• 40:45Speaker 02

  No, but I think you do it in portions. I was, someone told me about it. And then what you do is you get to teach your children how to deal with money as opposed to like, you die, leave them a lump sum of money and then they're like, I guess I'm going to get it, go to Ibiza? And you're like, so that was, that's the new thing I've been hearing about.

• 41:02Speaker 01

  Yeah. It's good.

• 41:04Speaker 02

  Yeah. I didn't get, do you guys, are you guys getting any money when your family dies?

• 41:07Speaker 01

  What? I mean, like the house and stuff like that.

• 41:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:11Speaker 01

  But, I mean, at this point, you know, my brother does pretty well. My sister does okay. So it's like, we're, everybody's kind of chilling.

• 41:18H. Foley?

  I'm getting a golden retriever with bad knees.

• 41:21Speaker 02

  I got nothing.

• 41:23Speaker 01

  You've done okay.

• 41:25Speaker 02

  No, but I always thought, I always thought I'd get like an inheritance, you know, you hear people getting inheritance. And I was like, no, no inheritance for this guy. Wait, your dad, what do you mean? This is not going to you? No, it's not going to me. Well, it's not going to me, I'm sure, but I, but I, I mean, it's not, nothing to speak of. Like, I think, you know, his house, my sisters and I will split it. But like, it's not gonna be like, it's not gonna be like, when I was in college, my goal was to be an heir. I was like, I don't, I do not wanna be, I don't wanna work. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I did not have any goals. I didn't have any future. And I was like, please have a rich uncle show up and leave me German bearer bonds. Where I'm like, I'm just sitting in German bearer bonds and then. Your dad did well, though. You did fine, yeah. But it's not like, I mean, it's not like I'm getting an inheritance, you know?

• 42:11Speaker 02

  Like, how much are you getting? What are you? Nothing. You have a heating and air company.

• 42:16Speaker 01

  Well, I don't talk to my dad anymore, but sure, that's on, and that, that, that we, but the problem with owning a small business is, we say this a lot, is like, they were, you know, new money, for lack of a better term, but they made money, they'd be like, three good years, and it'd be like, this is awesome, we have a Lincoln Navigator. And then like, two weeks later, they take it out of the driveway, and they're like, okay, we no longer have a Lincoln Navigator.

• 42:34Speaker 02

  Let's say this, I think my parents lived too long. I think if they had died earlier, I'd have gotten a little cash. But at this point, they're like, like, like, I pay for their flights to LA. Like, I, yeah, like, they're like, they're not like, super wealthy people. Like, they, they can take care of themselves, but my dad still works, he's 77. My mom still works, she's 77. You're super wealthy. Me? Yeah. No, I am. No one else is.

• 42:57Speaker 01

  These broke-ass motherfuckers, eh?

• 42:58Speaker 02

  Look, look where your head's at, he's, I got my own room. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 43:03Speaker 01

  Maybe if you work hard, you can get a second job, bootstrapped.

• 43:08Speaker 02

  What do you think would be the funnest garbage thing to buy with money?

• 43:12Speaker 01

  Well, that, why, how much money?

• 43:14Speaker 02

  Let's, say, say you got, say you have like, 40 million dollars in the bank.

• 43:19H. Foley?

  I'd be in South America.

• 43:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, he'd be dead. This is cra- I mean- No, no, no, let's say- He got 20 grand in almost time. Alright, here's the deal. You guys are- you guys- I told you LA was bad, okay? Your ad sales team calls you and they're like, "Yo, we want to do a deal with Pepsi for the Super Bowl. We're gonna give you-" They reached out, they didn't like our ideas! So I guess you didn't take that deal, but we did. We didn't get the deal. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. It's also, they- people send us stuff, they're like, "Oh, you want this?" Or it's like, "Ah, they're gonna go with this." Okay, let's say, let's say-

• 43:45H. Foley?

  Got a case of wild cherry Pepsi.

• 43:48Speaker 02

  Shit's good. I love it. Yeah, it's real- I think Pepsi is better than Coke.

• 43:52H. Foley?

  Mr. Kreischer, welcome to the show. Would you like to hear the H. Foley theory-

• 43:58Speaker 02

  Please.

• 43:58H. Foley?

  About the United States of America?

• 43:59Speaker 02

  Please.

• 44:00H. Foley?

  We are at our best, we are at our coolest, when Pepsi and Burger King are at the top of the charts. Historically.

• 44:07Speaker 02

  By the-

• 44:07H. Foley?

  We've always been cooler.

• 44:08Speaker 02

  I'm not gonna disagree with one word you said. That is, that is, can I tell you, I just got in an argument with Tom about this? The Whopper with cheese is way better, way more fulfilling than a Big Mac.

• 44:22H. Foley?

  I will give you that.

• 44:22Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 44:23H. Foley?

  Although McDonald's is true to my heart.

• 44:25Speaker 02

  A hundred percent.

• 44:25H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 44:26Speaker 02

  Listen, McDonald- no one can fuck with McDonald's fries. But, and the McDonald's cheeseburger, pretty legit. If you take out the bottom bun and you just taco it, it's pretty legit. Yeah, there's too much mustard on the Burger King bun, on the Burger King cheeseburger.

• 44:39H. Foley?

  Are you allowed to eat up in your room?

• 44:41Speaker 02

  Oh, I can do anything in my room. What time do- what time do friends have to leave? Uh, by, right, midnight. Midnight, yeah. They can't stay too late. Okay. The end gets-

• 44:48H. Foley?

  Have you ever had anybody out there and you were hanging out in your room, like you and one of your buddies?

• 44:52Speaker 02

  They have to sit in the bed with you. Kyle comes into my room sometimes. He'll just walk into my room. Check for your pulse. He doesn't even- he doesn't even knock, he just walks in my room. Yeah.

• 45:00H. Foley?

  You wake up, you got a pet in your hand.

• 45:02Speaker 02

  Yeah. I do- I journal in my room, I wa- I- I- Are you journaling? I jour- yeah, I ju- I started journaling 'cause I was like, you know, what happened is, I was on so- I was doing so many- He yelled at him, he yelled at me.

• 45:14H. Foley?

  I would love to see that handwriting.

• 45:15Speaker 02

  Oh, it's- How do you hold a pencil? Oh, the right way. You sure about that? A hundred percent. I see.

• 45:23Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 45:23H. Foley?

  That's good.

• 45:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:24Speaker 01

  That's not bad.

• 45:24Speaker 02

  Not like this, like an animal.

• 45:26Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 45:27Speaker 02

  Or like this, like Taylor Swift.

• 45:29Speaker 01

  Is that how she does it?

• 45:30Speaker 02

  Well, hang on.

• 45:31Speaker 01

  That guy, that person failed every test.

• 45:32Speaker 02

  I made fun of her and one of her people came up to me, or like a person who's close to her, was like, heads up, you know, she's a guitar player. So like, she's protecting her fingers. And I went, oh, okay.

• 45:45Speaker 01

  So she's convinced everyone around her to lie.

• 45:47Speaker 02

  But, uh, so I journaled because I started journaling on my 20, on my 53rd birthday, because I was like, I was doing so many podcasts at that time. I was like, I have nothing to talk about. I have, I'm on every podcast. I've got three I release a week. And I was like, I'm, my thoughts are drained. Like, I go on a podcast with nothing to talk about. And then I decided to cut back my podcast. I was like, this is, and I still journal, but it's more for writing new material.

• 46:13Speaker 01

  It's good.

• 46:13Speaker 02

  I don't tell material on podcasts. So like, if I say something really funny, I'll be like, can you please take that out?

• 46:19Speaker 01

  You're safe on this.

• 46:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, lucky I'm good on this podcast. Pumpkin.

• 46:25H. Foley?

  Can I ask you this?

• 46:26Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 46:26H. Foley?

  Have you, you eat out a lot, right?

• 46:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:29Speaker 01

  I heard about that DJ party.

• 46:33Speaker 02

  Dude, it gets so close to your mouth, you put your head against the wall.

• 46:37Speaker 02

  You're literally like.

• 46:38Speaker 01

  There's just holes in your wall. Tiles in there spackling. That ain't grout.

• 46:43H. Foley?

  Two things, big debate on the podcast as of late. Um, how do you feel about the airport breakfast? Going to the airport, not, not now, I know your schedule now.

• 46:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:55H. Foley?

  The way you operate.

• 46:56Speaker 01

  But let's say, let's put, let's put you in our shoes, right? We travel six, five, six guys, travel. We meet at JFK. We meet two hours early. Flight's at 11, we get there at nine. Check our bags, the whole nine yard, make sure everybody gets it. You're dealing with, you're dealing with New York traffic. Someone might get jammed up, we want to have enough time. Then we get there, we got 90 minutes. We all grab breakfast.

• 47:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:17Speaker 01

  That's become a ritual now.

• 47:19Speaker 02

  I like that.

• 47:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's good, right?

• 47:20Speaker 02

  I like that a lot. Well, but here's the deal. I'd like you to get breakfast. I'm gonna get cocktails.

• 47:24Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 47:25Speaker 02

  I'm gonna do, uh, double vodka soda while you get breakfast, and I'm gonna order bacon.

• 47:29H. Foley?

  But you're not doing a show that night. If you're doing, if you're doing a show that night, you're not.

• 47:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, he is.

• 47:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are ya? Yeah, if I'm flying, I'm drinking.

• 47:35Speaker 01

  Really?

• 47:35Speaker 02

  Right now, I'm not drinking when I'm flying, just 'cause I can't. But if, if I'm flying, I'm drinking. And I'll, and I'll make sure the flight's early, and I'll make sure I get, I won't drink on the flight, I'll drink before the flight, pass out on the flight, and then, hence the blood clots, and then, but yeah, no, but I'll order a side of bacon. I won't order like a full bre- breakfast.

• 47:53Speaker 01

  Okay. Fair enough. I like that. What if, uh, let's say you're on the plane.

• 47:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:57Speaker 01

  Right? Uh, you're sitting, you know, let's say you're sitting up front, it's two and two.

• 48:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:02Speaker 01

  You know what I mean? You're in the aisle. Guy next to ya is on the window.

• 48:05Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 48:06Speaker 01

  You land.

• 48:07H. Foley?

  It's commercial.

• 48:10Speaker 01

  He stands up.

• 48:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:11Speaker 01

  Does the window get to stand up? The guy at the window get to stand up and try to get in the aisle?

• 48:16Speaker 02

  Uh, I got into an argument about this the other day.

• 48:19Speaker 01

  Welcome to the show.

• 48:20H. Foley?

  Oh, wait. Did you tell him that you're the first, that you're in seat row one?

• 48:24Speaker 02

  Uh, so, the plane lands, and he sta- he stands up.

• 48:27Speaker 01

  He's a window.

• 48:28Speaker 02

  He's a window. And I said, "Do you need me to get your bag for you?" And he went, "No, I'll get it." And I went, "No, but I, I'm gonna get out in a second. I can grab your bag and give it to you." And he went, "No, I'll grab it." And I went, "Give me a second, 'cause I'm gonna get out, and I'm gonna grab my bag and put my jacket on real quick." And well, "Yeah, of course, of course." I was like, "I'll be passive aggressive as fuck."

• 48:44Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 48:44Speaker 02

  And then the woman across the hall, got, I got out, I put my jacket on, and she gets up, and she pulls her bag out and hits me in the back. Now, in a weird thing with blood thinners, you can't get any head injuries. So the second I get hit in the back with a fucking, I'm like, hyper aware, and I said, "I'm so sorry. Am I in your way, ma'am?" And she went, "No, no, no, I'm trying to get my bag down." I go, "Here." And I grabbed it, and I moved it all the way to the door of the plane. I went, "There you go, you're the first out of the plane. Ya fucking cunt."

• 49:09Speaker 01

  Yeah. Take that! Take that!

• 49:12Speaker 02

  I am hyper, now here's the wild one.

• 49:14H. Foley?

  Have a couple of drinks, will ya?

• 49:16Speaker 02

  I know, I was, while I was sober, drinking on a plane. Uh, Leanne, Leanne doesn't like sitting in bulkhead, so I'll, I love bulkhead. So I'm sitting-

• 49:26Speaker 01

  I love any kind of head.

• 49:27H. Foley?

  What does that mean?

• 49:27Speaker 01

  It's when a fat chick blows ya.

• 49:31Speaker 02

  Guys, what are we even doing here? Yeah, are you even listening? Luke, that's the clip. Journal that. Bulkhead. I love Bulkhead and swallow, but they always swallow, they're fat. Anyway, so the, uh, the, I love, Bulkhead's the front row, the first row. I like sitting in Bulkhead. Okay. So I'm in the front row, Leanne hates it because if you sit in Bulkhead, your bags have to go up top and she doesn't wanna have the panic of making, she wants to put her bag on her, at her feet. Sure. So Leanne is sitting in two A, I'm sitting in one C. So we're across the aisle from each other, she's one behind me, maybe two behind me. The woman behind me, I recline my seat and she kicks it so that I, I don't recline it. Kicks it, not, not like, just like this. Wham!

• 50:14Speaker 02

  And I turn around and the guy with her is like, older and he's staring at me. And I go live on, we're about to land, and I go live on FaceTime, on, on Instagram. And I say, I'm about to get into a fight on a plane, I want everyone to witness this. And I said, because if you're, if I'm live, I know how I am if I have a mic on, I behave better. If I know there are cameras around, I behave better. And I said, I know you're watching, so if you're watching, I'm not gonna do what I wanna do, which is fucking lose my mind. Leanne sees I'm live and starts from the back chirping like, hey, nope, nope, it's not worth it. And I went, no, no, no, no. I go, it is, it is. And I, and then she kicks my chair again and I turn around, I go, are you fucking serious? And now everyone's like, I'm losing my mind.

• 51:00Speaker 02

  I'm drunk. Leanne, the plane lands and I immediately stand up to get in the woman's face. And Leanne gets up and boxes me out. She gets in front of me and goes, let's go, big boy, here we go. And I go, hold on, I'm not done. The woman- Go to your room. Was a nurse. The woman was a nurse and she was with an elderly patient, she was getting to like, whatchamacallit? And she was just a fucking cunt. And the poor guy she was with was just some elderly guy trying to get from point A to point B, hired a nurse to get him there, he didn't pick his nurse. And he's looking at me again like, please don't, uh, this isn't my day, I don't want this to be my day. Yeah, Jesus. And, oh, and then, and then it gets better, gets better. You're an internationally known celebrity.

• 51:45Speaker 02

  The next flight I'm on-

• 51:47Speaker 01

  You're on free bird, January 22nd.

• 51:50Speaker 02

  The next flight I'm on, I get up, I'm sitting bulkhead, obviously, this is one where it's one and two, okay?

• 51:57Speaker 01

  It's a CRJ 900.

• 51:59Speaker 02

  It is.

• 52:00Speaker 01

  I know.

• 52:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm really obsessed with planes like that. Like, I know a lot of different planes. So I get on, I put my bag up top on the other side, because this side's too small for a backpack.

• 52:09Speaker 01

  Hey.

• 52:09Speaker 02

  I put it up top, and guys sitting in this front row, their bags are here, so I put it in the row behind, two, two A and B, or B, C and D.

• 52:20Speaker 02

  Two gay guys walk on.

• 52:21Speaker 01

  We weren't on the flight.

• 52:24Speaker 02

  And the guy, all the luggage areas is taken, they're the last ones on the plane.

• 52:29Speaker 01

  Your fault.

• 52:29Speaker 02

  And he, he grabs my bag, and he goes, "No, no." And he pulls it down, and he throws it at me, he goes, "Put that at your feet." And I grab my bag, and I go, "Absolutely not," and I put it back up, and I go, "My bag will stay there, because I don't have a place to put my bag," and he goes, "No." And he tries to cram it in the other side, I go, "It won't fit, it won't fit." Flight attendant flies out and goes, "You stop immediate," like, lights him up, and he is embarrassed. Now, his boyfriend is the softer, fatter one, and he's more like skinny, right? It's almost like you two, a little bit. And, and he is talking at the top of his lungs about how he's gonna get in my face. He's gonna, he's gonna let me know. Guys like this in high school, he's talking about me.

• 53:12Speaker 01

  What are you flying, Spirit Airlines?

• 53:13Speaker 02

  Alaskan.

• 53:15Speaker 01

  What's going on?

• 53:16Speaker 02

  I'm going to a gig, I'm going to a gig.

• 53:17Speaker 01

  I'm going to a gig.

• 53:19Speaker 02

  And I'm watching this.

• 53:20Speaker 01

  If it's not an Alaskan, you shouldn't be on Alaska Air.

• 53:22Speaker 02

  It's, it's.

• 53:23Speaker 01

  You're not doing Chuku Charlie's.

• 53:24Speaker 02

  It's, yeah, no, it's one of those, it's like, uh, Spokane, Spokane or one of those things. Guys, I'm hearing him talk very loud, he wants me to hear him, about guys like this in high school, they thought they could get their way with us, he's gonna put his bag there, I'll put my bag where I, and he's loud as shit, and I'm literally like, I'm gonna lose my mind, here we go, I'm drinking. And at the last minute, I decided to kill him with kindness. And I, we land and I get up and I rush him, right? I rush him and he's like this, he didn't expect me to get there that fast. And I get in his face, I go, hey, I'm really sorry about my bag. I said, I just have no foot room to keep my bag. And so I had to put it up there and I really apologize. Did not expect that. And he goes, no, no, no, it's okay. I'm so sorry that I acted that way.

• 54:09Speaker 02

  I behaved out of man and his boyfriend was like, thank God we're not fighting. Jesus Christ. Yeah, killed him with kindness. I sucked his dick. I was gonna say, you gonna start kissing? Yeah.

• 54:17Speaker 01

  My, uh, my brother got into it on a plane, getting off the plane and with a, with a lady. She was, it was just like, he was just like, you know, hey, something with his kid, something happened. And, uh, she kept going, he hit me, he hit me. And my brother's like, I didn't fuck it. And now that's making him even more mad. So they get to customs and she's like, he hit me. And so they take my brother.

• 54:39Speaker 02

  Shut up.

• 54:40Speaker 01

  Border patrol, like the custom, like, you know.

• 54:42Speaker 02

  Edit my two stories out, this is so much better.

• 54:44Speaker 01

  They take him in, they take him into the room. He's like, dude, it's me and like fucking four guys with like, like the AKs and everything. And they're like, you know, and he's like, I didn't fucking touch her. Like, and they're like being stern, you know what I mean? And he's like, he's sitting there and he's, he's in there by himself. And he's like, Pat, he's like, I'm thinking of every name I could try to fucking drop. He's like, who do I don't know anybody on a federal level. Like I can get out of a speeding ticket in Philadelphia.

• 55:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:05Speaker 01

  I can't get out of fucking customs. So a guy came in, has his passport, throws his passport back to him. He goes, he's like, your brother's Kevin? And he's like, yeah. He goes, tell him I love the show. Let him go.

• 55:15Speaker 02

  Shut up.

• 55:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's like, oh, she's being a, he's like, he's like, I didn't hit her. He's like, yeah, of course. He's like, you're in a, you're in JFK, it'd be all, it'd be on 90 cameras if you got in a fistfight in a terminal.

• 55:25Speaker 02

  All right, edit my two stories out and keep this one. All right, so I'm flying Canada, I'm flying Canada, Arizona, all right? I got the pilot in a headlock.

• 55:34Speaker 01

  Why you do Boston, Chicago? What are you doing?

• 55:36Speaker 02

  Canada, cause it's, that's what we used to tour back in the day. I have my bag, my bag is a steel Ramoa bag, okay? This all isn't recently? No, this is, this is, I mean, these are, I've flown for years. I'm putting my steel Ramoa bag in the, in the overhead. I'm later on the flight, I'm pretty hammered, okay? I also have merch money from Canada, but back in the day was crazy. I put my steel bag up and I forget it's steel and it doesn't catch and it slides out and onto a dude's face. Breaks his glasses and his nose, okay? Blood's coming out of his nose, his glasses are broken and he loses his mind. Now, I'm in the wrong.

• 56:16H. Foley?

  Asian fellow?

• 56:17Speaker 02

  His glasses. I'm in the wrong on this, clearly. But he loses his mind.

• 56:23H. Foley?

  I'm Asian again.

• 56:24Speaker 02

  And he starts screaming at the flight attendant. Fuck you, fuck you, you set this up, you set this up. And the flight attendant's like this, like, and I'm going, what happened? Like, so I go, sir, I'm so sorry.

• 56:38H. Foley?

  You're all fucked up, this guy's crazy.

• 56:40Speaker 02

  He's yelling at the flight attendant and I go, sir, I really apologize, I'm so sorry. Please, please, please, let me make this up to you. Can I give you money for your glasses? He goes, you can't afford these glasses. Now, mind you, I have about $10,000 worth of loonies in my pocket from merch, okay? This back in when Edmonton was bubbling in the oil and you could make tons in merch.

• 57:00H. Foley?

  Sir, I did very well on koozies this weekend, I'll have you know.

• 57:04Speaker 02

  I pull out all this cash and I break him off $4,000 and I go, this should take care of your troubles and your glasses. The whole first class doesn't know what to say. They're like, what the fuck? The flight attendant says, you don't have to do that, it was an accident. And I said, I want to do it. I give him the money, I turn around, I sit down. Halfway through the flight, he comes up and he goes, my glasses weren't this much. And he gives me like $3,000 back and he goes, I can't take your money. And he goes, and I know it's not your fault. She goes, she set it up. And I went, no, no, no, no, no, this was an accident, sir. And he goes, no, no, no, I know what happened. We get to Arizona, Phoenix, Arizona, cops are waiting for him. He had gotten into a fight with a flight attendant before the flight took off.

• 57:45Speaker 02

  And he thought it was her who had said to me, hey, when you get on, will you throw your bag in that guy's face and break his nose real quick?

• 57:52H. Foley?

  Here's four grand.

• 57:52Speaker 02

  Here's four grand.

• 57:54H. Foley?

  This guy looks like a patsy, you can set him up. Dude, I thought you were, I thought those other two stories were recently.

• 58:00Speaker 02

  Those were the other day.

• 58:01H. Foley?

  That's crazy.

• 58:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, Canada was, uh, Canada was, yeah.

• 58:05H. Foley?

  Where was Kyle?

• 58:07Speaker 02

  Kyle, Kyle was in the back. You remember both those, right?

• 58:09H. Foley?

  He's in 23B.

• 58:10Speaker 02

  You remember both those.

• 58:11H. Foley?

  You can't have him fighting with people. Hey, who gives a fuck at this point? Let him do whatever the fuck he wants.

• 58:17Speaker 01

  Goddamn, he's a goddamn celebrity.

• 58:19Speaker 02

  Well, the alternative is-

• 58:20H. Foley?

  That's why!

• 58:21Speaker 01

  We can fight him if you want, Bert, I don't care.

• 58:23Speaker 02

  But you guys don't get, like, someone that, you don't get the, you sit next to a guy and the guy's like-

• 58:27Speaker 01

  We sit next to each other.

• 58:28H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 58:28Speaker 01

  And that's me going, "Ugh," because we land and his fat ass tries to get out in Ohio.

• 58:32H. Foley?

  He's a real dick when we fly. Especially when we're coming home. I can't talk to him, puts his headphones on, "I still got bits."

• 58:40Speaker 01

  He gets mad that I want to listen to something on the plane.

• 58:42Speaker 02

  But it's fucking bullshit. You see all these fights on airplanes, and it-

• 58:45H. Foley?

  It's crazy.

• 58:46Speaker 02

  It's crazy until it's you. And then you're like, like, someone kicks your seat or, like, shakes your seat.

• 58:52Speaker 01

  You push that old guy's seat up.

• 58:53H. Foley?

  That was years ago!

• 58:55Speaker 01

  We were flying out to meet him.

• 58:56H. Foley?

  That was years ago!

• 58:57Speaker 02

  Wait, what? Okay, do you think someone should be able to recline their seat?

• 58:59Speaker 01

  It's, uh-

• 59:01Speaker 02

  Because a lot of people say no.

• 59:02Speaker 01

  I, I don't do it. If someone reclines, I tend to eat it unless the person behind me is back. I try to be the change I, I want in the world.

• 59:11Speaker 02

  So I think if they, they would not want you to recline if they didn't make reclining seats.

• 59:15Speaker 01

  I agree.

• 59:16H. Foley?

  Sure.

• 59:17Speaker 02

  They wouldn't put yellow in the stoplight if they didn't want you to run it every now and then.

• 59:21Speaker 01

  That's a big brain idea.

• 59:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, I like, so I don't understand the idea that I can't recline my seat if my seat reclines.

• 59:27Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 59:27Speaker 02

  Do you, next thing you're gonna tell me, I can't drink alcohol on the plane when they serve alcohol. Because there's just serving it as like, it's just like there.

• 59:34H. Foley?

  Even though I have blood clots and I'm on blood dinners.

• 59:36Speaker 02

  I can't drink on, I had a fucking bullshit flight the other day, I played video games the whole time.

• 59:40Speaker 01

  Playing that fucking stupid solid, I had to teach myself Sudoku the one time.

• 59:43H. Foley?

  He's got the VR thing on?

• 59:44Speaker 02

  I got, whoa, put me in a VR on a fucking plane?

• 59:48H. Foley?

  Can I get the chicken, please?

• 59:50Speaker 02

  Flight attendant's like-

• 59:51Speaker 01

  Blowing the pilot.

• 59:51Speaker 02

  "Can I help you?" I go, "Heat up two pieces of roast beef and dangle them in front of my face."

• 59:58H. Foley?

  Man, you're getting squirrely.

• 59:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:00:00Speaker 01

  Uh, okay.

• 1:00:01Speaker 02

  Go ahead, notice.

• 1:00:01Speaker 01

  No, no, please. Um, in the world, just to get back on to food for a minute, try to right this ship a little bit, it's fucking, are you garbage? You're at a mall food court. It's dinner time. What, what's your go-to?

• 1:00:15Speaker 02

  I'll tell you what, I'm never doing Asian food at a food mart. Why? At like a mall? Why? I never do Asian food there. It never satisfies.

• 1:00:25Speaker 01

  I agree with that guy.

• 1:00:25Speaker 02

  Ah, it's crazy. Uh. Surprised. I am. Not a walk and roll guy? I'm not gonna do pizza, because it's not a full meal.

• 1:00:35H. Foley?

  It'd be a Sabaro's usually.

• 1:00:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, Sabaro's never delivers what I want it to deliver. I am a big, big, big sub guy, and I like a sub will fill me up and I only have to eat half of it. And I'll tell you what, ever since I started Manjaro, the only food that always delivers is an Italian sub. Hmm. I would get an Italian sub, get a diet Sprite. Hmm.

• 1:00:57Speaker 01

  Whoa.

• 1:00:58Speaker 02

  And I like it when the bread's messy and sloppy and soft. I love, I love, you know what a pub sub is? You know Publix?

• 1:01:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:01:06Speaker 02

  Pub sub, I love getting Italian pub sub, flipping it upside down, okay? Not, because if you keep it there, everything's gonna run there naturally. Flip it upside down, let it sit in the fly, so that the top bread gets moist.

• 1:01:19Speaker 01

  This is our burger theory. If you take a bite of a burger, depending on the bun, the bigger bun's on top.

• 1:01:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:01:25Speaker 01

  You then invert the burger, and then grab it like this. So you don't have to like do that. You take it, boom, put it on top. Like a backhoe.

• 1:01:33Speaker 02

  Oh, wow. I like that.

• 1:01:35Speaker 01

  Right?

• 1:01:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:01:36Speaker 01

  Add that to the repertoire.

• 1:01:37H. Foley?

  Let the juices run through it.

• 1:01:38Speaker 02

  Ah, fuck.

• 1:01:38Speaker 01

  Because that bottom, sometimes that bottom slice gets all fucking, and it's like mushed by the end of it.

• 1:01:42Speaker 02

  No, are you a regular burger or a smash burger person?

• 1:01:46Speaker 01

  A regular burger, but I mean, smash burgers are everywhere. What are we doing?

• 1:01:49H. Foley?

  This fucking smash burger shit, everybody shut up.

• 1:01:52Speaker 02

  It's like shaved pussies. You're like, yeah, we got it, but I also wanna see a little hair there.

• 1:01:56Speaker 01

  I do like them shaved pussies.

• 1:01:57Speaker 02

  Do you really?

• 1:01:58H. Foley?

  We gotta get you off this headset.

• 1:01:59Speaker 01

  He goes, "Do you really?", like I'm crazy.

• 1:02:02Speaker 02

  No, I like a good, I like-

• 1:02:03Speaker 01

  You like black licorice, what? You do? No.

• 1:02:06Speaker 02

  Do you like black licorice? I love black licorice.

• 1:02:07H. Foley?

  Let me tell you something, my mom lately-

• 1:02:09Speaker 01

  I like black pussy. I'm sorry.

• 1:02:12Speaker 02

  What are you, Mark Norman?

• 1:02:13Speaker 01

  Ah, god.

• 1:02:14Speaker 02

  Hey, black man, blah, blah, blah, blah.

• 1:02:15Speaker 01

  Just fucking word associations.

• 1:02:16Speaker 02

  Just word associations?

• 1:02:18H. Foley?

  I got a Disney audition after this, do we, zip it? My mom lately has been stocking the house with Goodenplennies. When's the last time you had one of them?

• 1:02:28Speaker 02

  Just pull it up real quick.

• 1:02:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:02:30Speaker 02

  You don't know what a Goodenplenny is? No, I do, I gotta see it.

• 1:02:32Speaker 01

  So he doesn't.

• 1:02:34Speaker 02

  No, I can't remember Good and Plenty. Is that?

• 1:02:36H. Foley?

  A little black licorice inside with the candy.

• 1:02:38Speaker 01

  You probably know those box, that box.

• 1:02:40Speaker 02

  Oh, oh, I know Good and Plenty's.

• 1:02:41Speaker 01

  The shit no one ever fucking buys.

• 1:02:43H. Foley?

  Buddy, they're great.

• 1:02:44Speaker 02

  So I got, I did, uh, that show with Cody Rhodes and our executive producer was a British guy and he found these.

• 1:02:53Speaker 01

  Hello.

• 1:02:53Speaker 02

  Very hard to get, uh, black licorice wrapped in chocolate. You get them in Europe and they're so fucking crazy.

• 1:03:03H. Foley?

  Okay.

• 1:03:03Speaker 02

  They're so good. You can only have like two of them because they're so rich.

• 1:03:08H. Foley?

  That's crazy.

• 1:03:09Speaker 02

  And, and we, and when Pete, I introduced him to Pete, my old assistant, and when we were doing Europe, Pete walked by a store and they had them and he bought them and I used to buy them.

• 1:03:17Speaker 01

  Chocolate, those.

• 1:03:18Speaker 02

  No, they come, they come in like a tube.

• 1:03:20H. Foley?

  Hmm.

• 1:03:20Speaker 02

  They're black licorice wrapped in chocolate and they're fucking incredible.

• 1:03:25H. Foley?

  I'm with it.

• 1:03:26Speaker 01

  Oh, no, I got it.

• 1:03:27Speaker 02

  I like, I like, so I like sardines.

• 1:03:29Speaker 01

  Those by any chance? Lacrades?

• 1:03:31Speaker 02

  That's it. That's it.

• 1:03:32Speaker 01

  Lacrades by Bullo.

• 1:03:33Speaker 02

  That's it. They're so good. They're kind of, are they expensive?

• 1:03:37Speaker 01

  Uh, 21 bucks.

• 1:03:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, those are incredible, but you can only have a couple. They're like a, like a Saberit type of dessert.

• 1:03:45H. Foley?

  I've never had anything where I can only have a couple. I wish I had that.

• 1:03:48Speaker 02

  Flavor ice cream. One flavor for the rest of your life.

• 1:03:50H. Foley?

  Coffee.

• 1:03:52Speaker 01

  Are you doing like one, what?

• 1:03:53Speaker 02

  One, I can't believe you picked coffee.

• 1:03:55H. Foley?

  I love it. I like when it gets a little bit of, when it melts a little bit. A coffee.

• 1:03:59Speaker 01

  Are we doing like a?

• 1:04:01Speaker 02

  One flavor for the rest.

• 1:04:02Speaker 01

  Like what? Like a vanilla chocolate or like I can do the fucking, the Ben and Jerry's?

• 1:04:05Speaker 02

  Um, yo, Ben and, oh yeah, I didn't think, I wasn't thinking, I'm sorry.

• 1:04:09Speaker 01

  I'd do, I'd do the chubby hubby.

• 1:04:12Speaker 02

  Chubby hubby. God, I guess I would do one of those. I'd do one of those caramel brownies from Ben and Jerry's, but I think ultimately, if you said one for the rest of my life and I meant like, you know, we're on vacation. I don't know if I want to fucking a whole brownie in my mouth. I think I'd go salted caramel.

• 1:04:28Speaker 01

  I like that. Gentlemen, that's the first crazy thing you ever said.

• 1:04:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, thank you.

• 1:04:33H. Foley?

  Bert, have you ever owned a fighter pilot's jacket? That had like the patches and stuff.

• 1:04:38Speaker 02

  I, I own a spaceman's jacket. Like a spaceman or is what are they called?

• 1:04:43H. Foley?

  NASA?

• 1:04:43Speaker 02

  Astronaut, astronaut, astronaut. An astronaut's jacket.

• 1:04:47Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:04:47Speaker 02

  I just got given to me.

• 1:04:49Speaker 01

  Oh, that's very cool.

• 1:04:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, from NASA.

• 1:04:51H. Foley?

  From an, from what?

• 1:04:52Speaker 02

  NASA.

• 1:04:53Speaker 01

  NASA.

• 1:04:54Speaker 02

  NASA.

• 1:04:54H. Foley?

  The Bahamas?

• 1:04:55Speaker 02

  Nope, NASA.

• 1:04:56Speaker 01

  NASA.

• 1:04:57Speaker 02

  NASA. Okay.

• 1:04:59Speaker 01

  This guy, this guy's screwballs. Um, if you go over to someone's house, will you look through their medicine cabinet?

• 1:05:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:05:05Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:05:06H. Foley?

  Good man.

• 1:05:06Speaker 02

  Oh, especially like first date.

• 1:05:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05:09H. Foley?

  See what's up?

• 1:05:10Speaker 02

  Looking for Valtrix.

• 1:05:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05:12Speaker 02

  Seeing what she's on.

• 1:05:13Speaker 01

  It's like a, you know, fucking Snoop and Pete.

• 1:05:15Speaker 02

  I had, I had, I've had only one night, one one night stand in my life, one, only one one night stand in my life. And I was at Rite Aid one time and I, she was standing in front of me at the pharmacy and I was like, what is she getting cured?

• 1:05:28H. Foley?

  This after?

• 1:05:29Speaker 02

  Yeah. It's like, it was like not that long after, but it was fine. I think she was just getting a cold.

• 1:05:36Speaker 01

  I think she was totally.

• 1:05:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:05:38H. Foley?

  Do you like bread and butter pickles?

• 1:05:39Speaker 02

  Love them.

• 1:05:40Speaker 01

  Good man.

• 1:05:40Speaker 02

  Love them, love them, love them.

• 1:05:42H. Foley?

  Um, with your success, Hollywood, all that kinda stuff, have you guys ever been to a party that involved masks? Where you wear like those, you know, like Eyes Wide Shut type of thing, masquerades?

• 1:06:00Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:06:00H. Foley?

  Okay.

• 1:06:01Speaker 01

  I hate to think. Let me run this.

• 1:06:03Speaker 02

  No, I've been to some weird parties. Like, we've been to some parties where someone tried to, wanted to fuck LeAnn, wanted to switch girls.

• 1:06:08Speaker 01

  Whoa.

• 1:06:09Speaker 02

  And I, and she was pregnant and we were like, what the fuck? Like, yeah, we've been to some weird parties.

• 1:06:15Speaker 02

  Hollywood people are broken. I mean, people are everywhere broken, I should say, but especially.

• 1:06:19Speaker 01

  High concentration.

• 1:06:20H. Foley?

  I'm in a thousand pieces.

• 1:06:21Speaker 01

  Yeah. Um, you'd say you're cooking breakfast, you're making scrambled, what kinda egg do you do, by the way? Do you scramble, you do an omelet, what do you do?

• 1:06:27Speaker 02

  So I do sunny side up, but I let it sit for a while longer, cause I like, I've turned, the older I've gotten, the more of a consistency of a yolk I want.

• 1:06:37Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 1:06:37Speaker 02

  I wanna enjoy the yolk, I wouldn't drag the yolk. I don't want the yolk to run. I want it to slowly kinda, like, I want it.

• 1:06:43Speaker 01

  A little thicker.

• 1:06:44Speaker 02

  When Forrest Gump had the braces on his leg, not after the braces.

• 1:06:47Speaker 01

  Gotcha.

• 1:06:48H. Foley?

  Wait, you want it, you, you don't want the yolk to run, you don't like a runny yolk?

• 1:06:51Speaker 02

  I like a runny yolk, but I don't like a crazy runny yolk, like a watery runny yolk.

• 1:06:55Speaker 01

  Where's a little bit of white mixed in?

• 1:06:57H. Foley?

  Can I turn you on to something?

• 1:06:58Speaker 02

  Please.

• 1:06:58H. Foley?

  What do you know about a soft boiled egg? Dude, popped up, right the whole thing.

• 1:07:03Speaker 02

  It's so good.

• 1:07:05H. Foley?

  It's so good.

• 1:07:06Speaker 02

  There is the, I would argue that, have you, do you have a sous vide?

• 1:07:10H. Foley?

  No.

• 1:07:11Speaker 02

  Sous vide.

• 1:07:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:07:13Speaker 02

  My mouth's watering right now.

• 1:07:14H. Foley?

  I got a house plant.

• 1:07:15Speaker 02

  They can make you the perfect soft boiled egg to the perfect consistency you want. It is, I mean, I will suck down soft boiled egg. If you, if you send me to Europe, I only eat soft boiled eggs. Oh, God, like Hercule Poirot. You know who that is? From Agatha Christie? He would always get a soft boiled egg and he'd crack it with his spooks. He'd send it in like a little bowl.

• 1:07:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:07:38Speaker 02

  And he cracks it with a spoon and then eats it out of the egg, egg shell.

• 1:07:41H. Foley?

  They call that something, right? Toy soldiers or something?

• 1:07:44Speaker 01

  Oh, sky in a thing or something? Yeah, but that's in the piece of toast kind of, I think. Frog in a hole.

• 1:07:49Speaker 02

  Frog in a hole is the first thing I ever learned how to cook.

• 1:07:52Speaker 01

  Well, let's say you're cut, you're, you're, you're making those eggs. You got a carton of eggs next to you. You crack an egg. You do that, you get it in there. Where does that egg go? Does it go back in the carton or in the trash can or garbage?

• 1:08:00Speaker 02

  In the carton. Oh, and I, by the way, I've gotten sick from that.

• 1:08:03Speaker 01

  What?

• 1:08:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, I got sick from that.

• 1:08:05H. Foley?

  Salmonella?

• 1:08:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:08:06Speaker 01

  That got real.

• 1:08:07Speaker 02

  I got, I got really sick from that. Cause I, well, I would crack them in the, in the things. And then I went on the road for a week. I came back, same egg yolks sitting in the bottom.

• 1:08:15Speaker 01

  But I would say it's cold, though. That's what I would say.

• 1:08:18Speaker 02

  But it's out of the egg.

• 1:08:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:08:20Speaker 02

  Once it's out of the egg, it's bad. And then what happened is there was an egg that was stuck in there.

• 1:08:24Speaker 01

  I had that.

• 1:08:25Speaker 02

  And I kind of pulled it out and then another one, I pulled it out and it fell into the egg yolk and then it dropped into the bowl. Oh, violent vomit. Violent, violent vomit.

• 1:08:34H. Foley?

  Any Kreischer family photos where you guys are all wearing the same shirt?

• 1:08:37Speaker 02

  Yes, a hundred percent.

• 1:08:38Speaker 01

  You're a family man.

• 1:08:39Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

• 1:08:40Speaker 01

  You and your dad?

• 1:08:41Speaker 02

  Not us.

• 1:08:44Speaker 02

  No, my, my girls, we had a, we won, so I'm really bad, you know, I'm really aggressive at like auctions and like raffles and stuff. So one of the things I won in one of my many raffles that I've won, and by the way, you have no idea, I have, you have no idea how aggressive I've gotten at these raffles. Like to the point where George and I was old school invited us back to the night, the raffle night. Cause they needed money for the school.

• 1:09:08Speaker 01

  A little bit of cash.

• 1:09:10Speaker 02

  One of the ones I won was a family photo session with one of the parents who's a photographer. And I made the girls dress up in the same, all, we all wore the same outfit and it is. So hilarious, cuz we took every family photo you could ever imagine, but my favorite one is, I had my arm on Leanne's shoulder, Leanne had her arm on Georgia's shoulder, Georgia had her arm on Isla's shoulder. And Isla just put her arm out in the air, and it is such a fucking-

• 1:09:36Speaker 01

  That's a good bit.

• 1:09:37Speaker 02

  And it's such a funny, but it was, it's the funnest photo shoot we've ever done.

• 1:09:42H. Foley?

  Let me ask you this, you're at a, uh, party, maybe a holiday party, something like that. Um, not close to your house, not far away, but not close.

• 1:09:52Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, I already know what you're gonna say, yes, I take a shit there.

• 1:09:55H. Foley?

  You do?

• 1:09:56Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:09:56H. Foley?

  Where?

• 1:09:56Speaker 02

  And, and in his bathroom.

• 1:09:58H. Foley?

  And where, whose bathroom?

• 1:09:58Speaker 02

  In, in, uh, our friend Colleen and, and what's his, I forget his name.

• 1:10:02H. Foley?

  You go upstairs to their-

• 1:10:03Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no, no, no, hold on, let's just, let's be very clear. Uh, and we could call Leanne about this, I come back from Vietnam, the girls-

• 1:10:11Speaker 01

  You served?

• 1:10:13Speaker 02

  You're welcome for my service. I come back from Vietnam.

• 1:10:16H. Foley?

  Eleven-year-old marine.

• 1:10:18Speaker 02

  I get in like in the morning, I take a nap, I wake up, Leanne's like, yo, we have a Christmas party at Jeff and Colleen's. And so I'm like, okay, so, uh, my, my schedule's off, my body's off, I get there-

• 1:10:29Speaker 01

  You have all that Vietnamese food in you, that's a lot of soup.

• 1:10:32Speaker 02

  A lot of Vietnamese food in me. So I get there, and their house is beautiful, he is the guy who sets up Video Village, right?

• 1:10:39Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 1:10:39Speaker 02

  As a matter of fact, he took us into his garage right before this, I hope Jeff's listening. And he took us into his garage to show us how organized he was, and it's, his garage is crazy organized. So we go inside, we have a couple of drinks, and I realize I have to take a shit, so I go to their guest bathroom, and I blow it out. Now-

• 1:10:54Speaker 01

  How far, how far from the, the people are you?

• 1:10:57Speaker 02

  By the garage, uh, closer than I'd like to the kitchen.

• 1:11:01Speaker 01

  Is this one where someone's waiting to go, like, someone will go, there's another bathroom that they-

• 1:11:05Speaker 02

  There's, I'm sure there's another bathroom, but this is the bathroom I would go to. If you come into the house right away, out of the garage, this is the bathroom you hit.

• 1:11:11H. Foley?

  Okay.

• 1:11:12Speaker 02

  I didn't, I was unaware of my blowback at the time, in that I hit the water and it blows back on the seat. And I was unaware of what I did to the back of the toilet, I kinda just flushed-

• 1:11:21Speaker 01

  You're no looked at.

• 1:11:21H. Foley?

  Jesus.

• 1:11:22Speaker 02

  Flushed and walked away.

• 1:11:23Speaker 01

  That's wild, dude, in an away game, that's wild.

• 1:11:27Speaker 02

  He was livid. Really? He was like really upset. And then, by the way, we're still friends. He's a cool dude, but he was like, he went to school on Monday and he was like, who took a shit in my bathroom? And like, what do you mean? He's like, at the party, someone took a shit in my bathroom and it ruined my bathroom. Like I, like I, I have to get worked on in that toilet now. Like I have to change the seat. Like it's, it's gross. And everyone's like, no. Change the seat? Like it's. Guy's being a bit dramatic. A little scrubbing bubbles, you'd be alright. He was, he was aggressive and then he was going around doing the rounds. And then he got to me, he's like, do you know who took a shit in my bathroom? I said, oh, that was me. And he goes, you admit to that? And I was like, yeah. I was bad. And he was like, very bad. You fucking destroyed my bathroom. And I was like, yeah, I know. He was like, why would you do that? And I went, why would you put a toilet there?

• 1:12:10Speaker 02

  If you didn't want me to shit in it, am I not allowed to piss in it either? Like, what do we do here? Like, if it's toilet, I shit in it. If it's a pit, you know? Kreischer's losing it. Hold on. You don't shit at someone's house? Yes, but there's.

• 1:12:22Speaker 01

  He wants to use the master bedroom, which I said is a little invasive.

• 1:12:26Speaker 02

  That's insane. What are you talking about? You're out of your fucking mind. I'm trying to head there. If you want to shit in my house, shit at the door, shit in the bathroom by our front door. Do not go into Leanne's bedroom.

• 1:12:39Speaker 02

  And shit in there.

• 1:12:40Speaker 01

  Shit in my wife's toilet.

• 1:12:42Speaker 02

  All right, here's the other thing. You wouldn't like that? Are you wouldn't let me? I would, I would let you shit in my bathroom. Do you have a bathroom? Never go into someone's master bedroom to shit.

• 1:12:52Speaker 01

  Shit all over his.

• 1:12:52Speaker 02

  Do you, do you have, do you have a bathroom in your, in your new room? It's attached to my room. It's not, it's not in my room. I gotta walk down the hallway to go to my bathroom. Kinda sucks.

• 1:13:00Speaker 01

  Man, your parents sound like they suck.

• 1:13:02Speaker 02

  Yeah. Dude, you cannot, you cannot go into someone's master bathroom to take a shit. That's so invasive.

• 1:13:09Speaker 01

  That's like your inner sanctum. That's like, that's like your only place like no other people have been.

• 1:13:14Speaker 02

  You might as well shit in their shoes.

• 1:13:17H. Foley?

  It's a party.

• 1:13:17Speaker 01

  Shout out to Joey.

• 1:13:18H. Foley?

  It's a party. There's people there. I'm a heavy guy. I'm a bigger guy. If I go in and dump it out, like, in that thing, it's gonna be... People are gonna know that I took a shit in there.

• 1:13:28Speaker 01

  Then I said, "If that embarrasses you, you should go home."

• 1:13:30Speaker 02

  Then go somewhere else.

• 1:13:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, you gotta go home.

• 1:13:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, listen, you either...

• 1:13:32H. Foley?

  I'm an invited guest.

• 1:13:34Speaker 02

  No, I, I would never... I would never go into someone's bedroom.

• 1:13:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, wild, right?

• 1:13:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, I would never go into someone's bedroom. I would never go upstairs in someone's house.

• 1:13:42Speaker 01

  He was giving me shit that, like, if, why, we were at my house.

• 1:13:44H. Foley?

  Shit all over somebody's toilet!

• 1:13:45Speaker 02

  It was downstairs by the garage. It seemed like it was like garages. The messy stuff happens.

• 1:13:50H. Foley?

  Huh.

• 1:13:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:13:51H. Foley?

  So you think if you guys are having a party and I end up to Leanne and I'm like, "Mr. Diaz, I'm just sorry, I really gotta go."

• 1:13:56Speaker 02

  No, here's the difference.

• 1:13:57H. Foley?

  You don't, I think she would show...

• 1:13:58Speaker 02

  If you're at our house, if you're at our house and you go, "Hey, I gotta take a fucking burner." Uh...

• 1:14:03H. Foley?

  I don't wanna embarrass myself.

• 1:14:05Speaker 02

  Can I use your master... Leanne would say, "Of course." But if Leanne walked in and you're like, "Ah, someone's in here." She'd be like, "What the fuck is he doing?"

• 1:14:12Speaker 01

  You got a robe on and shit.

• 1:14:15Speaker 02

  I had someone, uh, as a comedian, I will, I will remain unnamed, who took a shit at my house and told me, "Can I have a towel?" And I said, "What?" "'Cause he has to shower after he shits."

• 1:14:24Speaker 01

  That's crazy.

• 1:14:25Speaker 02

  That's crazy! That's, and he shit in my daughter's... Nope.

• 1:14:28Speaker 01

  No?

• 1:14:29H. Foley?

  I know who it was.

• 1:14:30Speaker 02

  You do?

• 1:14:30H. Foley?

  I assumed it was Mr. Diaz.

• 1:14:32Speaker 02

  No, no, nooo. You think Joey Diaz? No, he just shits. No, I had, uh, an Asian guy came to my house and was like, "Everyone's gonna guess Bobby Lee," and I'm not gonna say it wasn't, but it's, uh, it's not. But I had an Asian guy come to my house and he was like, "If I take a shit, I gotta take a shower. Do you have a towel?" And I was like, "What?" He goes, "I gotta take a shit, I'm so sorry." And I was like, and then he took a shit...

• 1:14:53Speaker 01

  That's very classy.

• 1:14:54Speaker 02

  And a shower in my daughter's bedroom.

• 1:14:56Speaker 01

  That's...

• 1:14:56H. Foley?

  Oh, that's no way.

• 1:14:58Speaker 02

  My daughter's bathroom, yeah.

• 1:14:59H. Foley?

  I would never do that.

• 1:14:59Speaker 02

  Yeah. I had a guy, I had a guy, uh, I, it's safe to say, Nick Thune, when he was going through his hardcore alcoholism, I was completely unaware. And he was like, "Hey, can I use your daughter's bathroom real quick?" And I was like, "Yeah." And then he, like, a month later, he goes, "You know when I went in there, I just destroyed that bathroom, just throwing up, shitting, just 'cause he was going through DTs." And I was like, "I didn't know that."

• 1:15:22Speaker 01

  Jesus Christ.

• 1:15:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:15:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm glad you got the, you got that out of the house.

• 1:15:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:15:28Speaker 01

  Now recording somewhere else. Um...

• 1:15:31Speaker 02

  Hmm. What's your sick protocol? You're not feeling well. I don't, I just deal with it. Like, I'll get, if I'm getting sick, or I feel I'm getting sick, I'll get an IV. You go back to LA right now, you got a little fever. Are you staying in the room? Are you shutting it down? Are you working through it? I worked through, I worked through it, but I get an IV, like, if I'm feeling sick, I get an IV, that's the first thing I do. And then, uh, and I'll get a good night's sleep, I'll get, I'll take some Benadryl, I get it in the IV, so it knocks me the fuck out. And then I sleep hard as shit. Like, the Red Clay Strays were in, in, uh, LA, and I started feeling like I was getting sick, and I just landed, we were gonna go straight to their show, and I was like, yo, I gotta call it, 'cause I don't wanna get too sick.

• 1:16:12Speaker 02

  So I got an IV, Benadryl, in the bed, I passed out with the IV in my arm, I woke up the next morning feeling better. I am not one of those people that, if I get sick, I don't work. I don't understand people who go, "I'm sick, I can't come in today." I think that's just, you want a day off. I mean, I work every single day. If I'm sick, I go onstage. I mean, I've had COVID 11 times. Like, I don't, I, I bear through it. I've got blood clots, I'm, I'm not supposed to be fucking working the way I'm working, and I'm here. Like, I, I go, I don't get, I don't understand the people who are like, "You know what? I feel like I'm getting sick, I don't wanna come in." I go, "Cool, then never come in."

• 1:16:49Speaker 02

  I mean, is that my, I understand that no one listening to this is gonna go, "That makes sense, Bert." I got a headache. I'm just saying, I am a man, and I've never, I've never let a, a flu dictate what I'm doing. I work, I work. I got a headache, I shut it down.

• 1:17:05Speaker 01

  He goes, he'll go, "I'm feeling a little sicky." I know, I ain't hearing from him for 72 hours.

• 1:17:09Speaker 02

  Are you serious? I had a guy, I had a guy who was a guest at my, uh, my sister's house, and he came out, and he was like, "I can't really hang out today, I have diarrhea." And I was like, "Hold on."

• 1:17:22Speaker 01

  I'd never leave the house.

• 1:17:23Speaker 02

  I go, I go, he was staying at my sister's house, I go, "First off, why tell anyone you have diarrhea? Right? Why, and who sits in a room if you have diarrhea? You hang out in the house and you just make runs to the toilet. You don't just sit in a room with diarrhea." Like, it's such a soft way to look at life.

• 1:17:39Speaker 01

  That's it, yeah.

• 1:17:40Speaker 02

  I have diarrhea all the fucking time. I had wild diarrhea last night. And I just was like, that's, that's what it is. Yeah. It's just, it's, it's part of the course. Also, you gotta know, when I was 11, I got all my teeth knocked out while I had a baseball bat during a baseball game and my dad made me finish the inning. I remember. So like, so like, I'm not, I'm not like a, and like, I can't imagine somebody who goes on vacation and is sick and is like, I gotta shut it down. I'm like, well, you're only here once. Get after it. It just happened to me. Are you serious? I had the norovirus. Oh, okay. That was bad. One time. Dude, I thought, I genuinely thought I was dying. I couldn't stand up. One time I had the swine flu and I was in Mexico. Patient zero.

• 1:18:16Speaker 02

  Oh. Swine flu was the worst illness I've ever had in my life, without a doubt. Hit me like this, de- like, debilitated me. Drank on the plane. Drank when I got there. Slept for a day. Drank at the show. Jesus Christ, yeah.

• 1:18:34H. Foley?

  That's a guy with his own room, right there.

• 1:18:36Speaker 02

  No, Leanne slept with me. Threw up in the middle of the night, barely could breathe. I was like.

• 1:18:41Speaker 02

  I think I threw up like 11 times in the middle of the night. Like, out of, had to get out of bed 11 times. Let me rephrase this. Throwing up is different for me. If I'm throwing up, that, like, I'm not like a. I can't, you can't do it. I can't. I'm not, I'm talking like colds. I never stood a cold.

• 1:18:54H. Foley?

  Is there anything special when you, when you are in that zone that you'd like Leanne to make you? Like, is there any little special treat that you like?

• 1:19:01Speaker 02

  No, I'm looking to lose weight. Yeah, come back snatched. Leanne can't cook anything.

• 1:19:06H. Foley?

  He isn't, what?

• 1:19:08Speaker 02

  Can't cook anything. She can make country fried steak, that's it. She's not like a cook.

• 1:19:11H. Foley?

  Hmm.

• 1:19:11Speaker 02

  She can't cook any, like, I took, this is, this is what a good dad I am. Um.

• 1:19:18Speaker 02

  I'm flying back. One, I'm modest. This is what a good dad I am. Okay, you know, you know I like drinking on planes. I'm flying back from Utah with my girls and Leanne and Georgia gets sick. She's like, I think I'm getting sick. And I was like, okay. She goes, I would love some chicken noodle soup tonight, if you could make it. And I make a crazy, crazy great chicken noodle, especially matzo ball chicken noodle soup.

• 1:19:42H. Foley?

  Ooh, very nice.

• 1:19:43Speaker 02

  And so, I. And this is, I wish I could do this more in life. I didn't drink on the plane so that I was excited to land, get in my car, go to the store, get all the ingredients and make her soup so she could watch TV and have soup. So I didn't drink on the plane. It was so crazy how that, my willpower for that flight was wild.

• 1:20:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:20:02Speaker 02

  Cause I knew I had to be a dad.

• 1:20:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:20:04Speaker 02

  I've only done that one other time. I flew to Hawaii and my daughters were like, "Hey, can we take a car to the top of the whatchamacallit?" And Leanne was like, "I don't have my license."

• 1:20:15Speaker 01

  Monte Carlo?

• 1:20:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, and, yeah, I think so. And I went, "Okay, not a problem." In a weird way, I was like, I wanted to be the dad. But I think, you know, I think I've had so much leeway of like, Leanne lifts up so much heavy lifting, that I didn't drink on the plane. I remember it was raining a little bit in Hawaii when we got to get the rental car, and I felt so proud to be like, "I'm driving my girls."

• 1:20:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:20:34Speaker 02

  Like, it's, it's really crazy.

• 1:20:36Speaker 01

  I have, I have moments of that where I'm like, you know, "I have to do this," you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

• 1:20:40Speaker 02

  Dude, uh, tooth fairy. Like, I remember being the tooth fairy, like, that's what I did. Like, I was always the tooth fairy Christmas, teach them how to ride a bike, teach them how to swim. I was, I kinda landed on like the funner stuff.

• 1:20:51Speaker 01

  You don't say.

• 1:20:52Speaker 02

  Georgia fell and broke her jaw and knocked out like six teeth. And I had to be the tooth fairy that night. And it happened in the morning, it happened on a Saturday. I flew home on a Sunday. And Sunday night, I had to go get tooth fairy stuff for Sun, for Monday morning. And man, that's one of my, I know this is sad, but like those moments as a dad, when you're sitting at a Rite Aid or you're sitting at a Walgreens trying to get toys for your kid, and you're like, and you're like, and by the way, you're poor. I was, I was not making money, but you're like, "I don't give a fuck, man. I'll, I'll break the bank for this kid." I bought her a, there's a video online, you can find it. I bought her a, a microphone where you could like sing karaoke, and she could barely speak, she had no teeth, and she goes, she was trying to sing "Pete and Butch" is a song from Mickey Mouse.

• 1:21:37Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:21:38Speaker 02

  She was singing Pete and bitch because she had no teeth. And we were laughing. She goes, "What's so funny about daddy?" And I, that, like, those are the memories. Like, on my deathbed, I just wanna remember all the times I was with my kids. That's it.

• 1:21:49Speaker 01

  That's amazing.

• 1:21:50Speaker 02

  Yeah. What's a tooth fairy, wha, wha, wha, what do you throw, tooth fairy? Uh, Twenty? No, no, no, no, no, no. It was, it was always a present.

• 1:21:58Speaker 01

  Really?

• 1:21:59Speaker 02

  So Leanne, Leanne, because I was on the road.

• 1:22:01Speaker 01

  A present?

• 1:22:02Speaker 02

  After that first one, any dramatic tooth loss, because we have teeth problems in our family, any dramatic tooth loss is a big present. But Leanne, because I was on the road and she could never really get to the tooth fairy on time, Leanne bought, like, and this is a good, and by the way, I'm gonna give guys a great tip in a second. She bought, like, 20 things of tooth fairy gifts, like toenail polish. In the closet. Yeah, in the closet, so she had a tooth fairy box. Now, you ready, guys? I'm about to give you the best tip you've ever heard. Clip this out. If you're married, uh, right now. Fully pay attention. Go find a, a flower shop by your house. Introduce yourself to the owner and give them your credit card with a list of dates. Her birthday, your anniversary, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day.

• 1:22:47Speaker 02

  Uh, and then tell them, surprise me three times a year. Tell them what flowers your wife likes and say, this is, and this is what we agreed to. $124 for a bouquet, for a vase of flowers. And then you have my address, you have my address, you don't need to call. I wanna make sure you stay in business. Just charge my card and send them to the house. Dude, Diane's flower, is it Diana's flowers? Diana's Flowers on Laurel Canyon has been doing this for me for, since 2008. Since 2008. And when I moved, she called me and she goes, "Hey, hey, did you move?" And I said, "Yeah." She goes, "I just sent flowers to your house. I'm sending them to the new house, what's the new address?" I was like, "Nice."

• 1:23:29Speaker 02

  When I changed my number, she tracked my fucking new number down.

• 1:23:33Speaker 01

  Damn.

• 1:23:33Speaker 02

  She called my sister, she called my wife, "What's his new number?" Called me and she goes, "Your wife's birthday is next week. Are we on?" And I was like, "Fuck, yes."

• 1:23:40Speaker 01

  Damn.

• 1:23:41Speaker 02

  Dude, it is the quickest, easiest, no-brainer move. Give them a credit card and say I'm good for flowers seven times a year.

• 1:23:48Speaker 01

  Now, I got a question. Does Leanne know that's the case? Or does she think you're picking up the phone every time?

• 1:23:52Speaker 02

  She has no fucking clue. She has no clue. And Diana sends them, and I told her, uh, I told her, uh, peach, peach roses, white lilies. That's it. Peach roses, white lilies. And I gave her my nickname for Leanne. Peach roses, Leanne loves peach roses. And I gave her my nickname for Leanne, so that it sounds like it's for me, baby doll. I love you, I couldn't live a life without you. And it's just Diana.

• 1:24:14Speaker 01

  It's good, yeah, it's good.

• 1:24:16Speaker 02

  I'm a cheat code motherfucker.

• 1:24:19Speaker 01

  Um, do you know the term BOGO?

• 1:24:22Speaker 02

  Buy one, get one?

• 1:24:23Speaker 01

  Okay, very good.

• 1:24:25Speaker 02

  Isn't that what Australians call rednecks?

• 1:24:27Speaker 01

  It's bogans.

• 1:24:28Speaker 02

  Bogans.

• 1:24:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's like they're, uh, dirtbags. I got one and then I, you know, I got, this just happened and I would like to get your take on it. I was at a nice restaurant. I was in a t-shirt.

• 1:24:39Speaker 01

  Right? Steakhouse.

• 1:24:40H. Foley?

  Very good way to close the chat.

• 1:24:41Speaker 01

  Right? Dressed just how you would, you're dressed right now, honestly. Like, well enough, you're put together, you know, it's not like, I'm not rolling in like a fucking bum.

• 1:24:51H. Foley?

  Sharp pair of pants? Shoes?

• 1:24:53Speaker 01

  I get there, uh, and I sit down, I have like a thin, like, one of those like puffer, it's like a polo puffer jacket on. And I sit down, there's no coat check, I sit down, I fucking take my jacket off, I put it on the chair next to me, and the hostess comes over and says, "Sir, all gentlemen are required to wear a collar." I said, "Well, I don't have one." She said, "You can put your jacket back on and eat dinner in my foot, like I'm at a, like I'm on a fucking ski lift, or we can give you, we can provide you a jacket." She came over with the ja, I said, "I guess I'll do that." But I had to try it on. One, I'm a bigger guy, you're a bigger guy, it's like, I don't know if this is gonna fit, and I gotta do it in the dining room, at the table. I took the jacket and it didn't fit, and it looked pretty good.

• 1:25:37Speaker 01

  But, what would you do there?

• 1:25:39Speaker 02

  Okay. This is, uh, this hits a lot of my buttons.

• 1:25:44Speaker 01

  Mine as well.

• 1:25:47Speaker 01

  I go on Instagram Live.

• 1:25:49Speaker 02

  The reason I don't, the reason I don't, uh, one of the reasons I don't wear a shirt is I have anxiety about what shirt to wear on stage. I'm afraid the shirt will say too much about me, when I don't want the shirt to speak for me. It's the reason I don't wear shirts with logos on them.

• 1:26:00Speaker 01

  Same.

• 1:26:01Speaker 02

  Cause I don't want you to go, "Oh, so you're a fan of, uh, my morning jacket?" And then you're like, "Huh? Oh, yeah, I guess I am, I don't know, it's what I put on." I don't wanna get in a conversation with people, it's why I wear hats that are teams you don't recognize the team. That's, so I don't wanna get in a conversation about the Red Sox. So I don't wear a Red Sox hat. I don't wear any team you've ever recognized, cause the conversation speaks about me, I don't want that head said. Now, what, one of my biggest anxieties since I was a child was being underdressed. It's one of my crazy anxieties. I'm afraid that I will go somewhere and they'll go, "You're not..." Not allowed to wear that and it's based off of one time we had uh end of the year ceremonies and all the coaches collected the uniforms and all I had on was a Speedo and so I had to wear Speedo knee high socks cleats a hat and nothing else. I mean that's insane. And I and I was so embarrassed.

• 1:26:46Speaker 02

  Talk about underdressed dude. It I it fucked me up like I sat in a bathroom crying at age 10 for fucking ever going like I was so embarrassed. And I and by the way, I was a wild Speedo wearer until that day, that day forward, I started wearing sun breeches. So I'm weird about now, we're gonna go to here. So last night,

• 1:27:10Speaker 02

  I went to a very nice steakhouse and I wore a sweatsuit, tracksuit, like Nike tracksuit, double XL, fucking pink. Like I did not look like I belonged there. But I think you get to a certain place in life where you just go, alright, fuck you, I'm out. And you and you walk away and you go, I'm I'm good, I'm good. And you give, I've done that a lot where I go in, like uh, there's a really great steakhouse near our house that I love. And I go in there one time in in a T-shirt and flip flops and that's not what you're supposed to wear. No, it's not Calipari casual. And um, and the woman said, I'm so sorry, we have a closed toed shoe policy here and you you can't, you need a collared shirt.

• 1:27:53Speaker 02

  And I went, cool, I'll just leave. And she went, what? I said, I'll just leave, I'm good, I'll find something else to eat. And she was like, well, hold on, cause that that's not the answer they're looking for. And then the manager came over and was like, hey, don't worry, don't worry, we can see past it. I went, no, no, no, no, I'm leaving. I don't want to be somewhere where I make everyone feel uncomfortable. Now, Dax Shepard has the best one. Dax Shepard, he told this to me, so I'm just regurgitating it. He went to dinner with Kristen Bell's wife, they're in Nashville. He was wearing a T-shirt that said, you know, like fucking Earl Haggard or Merle Haggard or some shit. That's how he dresses. He's a millionaire, he should be able to dress like that. And the guy at the table next to him complained about his shirt. Ah, what? Yeah. And he was gonna go light him up and Kristen Bell, the fucking gangster, goes, no, no, no, no, no, no.

• 1:28:39Speaker 02

  Brings a waiter over and goes, we're gonna pay for his meal. Pay for their dinner. Yeah.

• 1:28:44Speaker 01

  I do want to say, at the restaurant, there was a bar, and we were in Baltimore, and there was a woman wearing a fucking Ray Lewis jersey. So it's not like we were fucking, you know.

• 1:28:52Speaker 02

  So in Serbia, they would do that to us, uh, they would do that to us all the time because we were American. They go, "No jeans." And I go, "But I see jeans right there." "No jeans. Those are blue jeans? These are fashion jeans."

• 1:29:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, they love their fancy pockets and shit.

• 1:29:06Speaker 02

  And I had a wild burn on my leg, so I had to roll one leg up of my jeans. And he goes, "No roll-up jean." And I go, "I have a burn on my... I don't care, no roll-up jean." Fucking... But, uh, but, yeah, I, I would argue that is the reason I buy nice watches, is so I can wear a t-shirt into a restaurant.

• 1:29:24Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 1:29:24Speaker 02

  And then, and then if they know, they know. They go, "Oh, just, he's fine. Bring him in."

• 1:29:28H. Foley?

  Did they let you in with the pink sweatsuit last night?

• 1:29:30Speaker 02

  Uh, let me in, and the chef sent a million things to my table. They, they walked in.

• 1:29:35Speaker 01

  But New York doesn't, there's no, New York doesn't do that. New York doesn't do like, "You need a collar." We were in fucking Baltimore, and they were like, "I guess we're gonna try to be fancy." It's like, "Get out of here."

• 1:29:45Speaker 02

  I went, we went to, for my birthday, Leanne and I went to Naples, and there was a nice restaurant. And I went down in a, uh, a pullover collared shirt, and everyone was in like suits.

• 1:29:56Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 1:29:57Speaker 02

  And I was so embarrassed. I didn't have a collar, a jacket or anything. I didn't have anything. I just had a pullover collared shirt. And everyone was in suits. And I was, and it was a really nice restaurant. And I was, I murdered my first two drinks. I was like, "I feel so uncomfortable."

• 1:30:10Speaker 01

  Dude, I over-ordered. They were like, "The lagu taste." And I'm like, "We'll take two. Give me the T-bone. Let me get a Manhattan."

• 1:30:17Speaker 02

  You have no idea how small my ego is, like, and how easy it is to hurt it.

• 1:30:21Speaker 01

  Oh, it's so fragile.

• 1:30:22H. Foley?

  But you're you. You, they know it's you.

• 1:30:25Speaker 02

  Hmm, sometimes they don't. Uh, yeah. I, I remember when I used to do bar takeovers after my shows. I'd always do a show, and then I'd tell everyone what bar I'd go to. And we were in, uh, where did, where did Oasis grow up? Manchester.

• 1:30:38Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:30:39Speaker 02

  And...

• 1:30:39Speaker 01

  Hello, isn't it?

• 1:30:41Speaker 02

  We have to do this, contractually obligated. And we went to a bar, I was with Mark Norman. Comedy. Comedy. Queef. Chris Rock. And, uh. Chris Rock. He should be, they should make a cuckoo clock, a Mark Norman clock. That'd be awesome. Comedy, queef. And you're like, oh, it's two o'clock. Gum guzzler. Gum guzzler. Um, Dane Cook, what is, who's he say he is? Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart. Dane Cook. He, uh, and, and Mark and I showed up and the guy was like, there was a line around the corner. It's all the people that went to my show. I was like, how you doing, brother? And he goes, he goes, not letting you in, bruv, not like that, not dressed like that. And I was like, what? And he goes, nope, take another bar. And I went, okay, cool. And I went down the line and go, hey, guys, we're going somewhere else. And everyone got out of line.

• 1:31:25Speaker 02

  And then I was like, hey, someone want to tell the people inside we're going somewhere else? And the guy, someone opens the door and goes, Bert's leaving. And everyone starts, and he goes, hold on, hold on, they don't come with you, they don't come with you, bruv. You stay here, they stay here, where the fuck do you think you're going? And I'm like, no, no, no, no. I'm out. You kicked me out. You told me I'm not allowed in, I'm walking, taking my business elsewhere. And I go, we're just gonna fill the bar next door. And he goes, hold on, huh? And people are filing out and he's losing his goddamn mind. Good, yeah. And I was like, no, that's the punishment you get. You're gonna be an asshole, an arrogant bouncer. And then he, and he goes, what's happened? Someone goes, that's the guy, that's the reason we're here. And he goes, no, no, no, he's a fat guy. And I was like, I'm pretty fat, I wasn't that fat then. He goes, fat, he said fat guy. And I was like, that's me. And he goes, let me see.

• 1:32:08Speaker 02

  Lifted my shirt up, he goes, alright, alright, it is you, okay. And then we went in. Thank you for the compliment. We had, that night in particular, everyone got shirtless, everyone got shirtless. And I have the funniest videos of people manhandling Mark Norman.

• 1:32:23Speaker 02

  That's young Mark Norman who couldn't say no. And you could get him to do anything. Old, young Mark Norman was the fun, remember we took him to this place called, uh, it's like, it's like this outlaw city in Finland or in Switzerland, Sweden? Where it's, it's, uh, there's no laws, there's no laws. And Mark does not smoke weed. And we went in and I was like, we're getting weed. Mark's like, ah, I don't smoke it. And I was like, you are today. And he was like, not me. And I'm like, oh, yeah, without a joint, like Mark hit it. And he goes, ah, one take. And then he goes, I'm already having a bad exact. And he's like, oh, take another one. Turning green and shit. Push through it, push through it. And he's like, okay, it's getting worse. And like, one more. And he goes, okay, I want to go to bed now. Oh, it was the best.

• 1:33:00Speaker 01

  I love it.

• 1:33:01Speaker 02

  Oh, we got him addicted to Ambien that trip. We got him addicted to Ambien and then halfway through, he was like, he was like, I think my liver's failing. We're like, we're like, no, you're gonna be fine, Mark. He came back a mess, a mess. He's like, he tried to kill me.

• 1:33:15Speaker 01

  Have her crazy, she's crazy. Yeah, buddy.

• 1:33:18H. Foley?

  Gang, the series is Free Bird on Netflix, streaming now.

• 1:33:22Speaker 01

  Out now.

• 1:33:23H. Foley?

  Check it out. What are you gonna see? Is garbage?

• 1:33:27Speaker 01

  I mean, yeah, obviously. No? What the fuck are we doing here?

• 1:33:30Speaker 02

  In the, in the series, I'm garbage, so I'll take garbage.

• 1:33:32H. Foley?

  Of course.

• 1:33:33Speaker 02

  In the series, that's the whole point.

• 1:33:34Speaker 01

  Listen, the series is great. It's funny. It's very you. It's, it's great. It's a family. It's fu- it's like, it hits on all levels.

• 1:33:39Speaker 02

  Thank you, thank you.

• 1:33:41H. Foley?

  Congratulations, brother. We love you.

• 1:33:42Speaker 02

  I love you guys to death. Thank you so much.

• 1:33:43Speaker 01

  Love you, buddy.

• 1:33:44H. Foley?

  Gang, we love you and we'll see you next week.

• 1:33:45Speaker 02

  Peace.